For anyone new to my thread - welcome. Lots of catch up reading if you want. Lowdown that brought me to the board Me 24 wasband 24 Separated for "a week" july 9th Bomb July 11th. D final August 23rd.
(we tried to be friends, thought that it was a begining - he was insisting on a friendship. Found out he contacted a lawyer july 10th. later found out that he has had gf since at least middle of june and was set up with her by a co-worker (possibly her own mother). upon sale of the marital home this past march, found out wasband has been engaged since xmas) in the mean time, I started dating my bf from high school, before wasband. We stayed at the condo together and now we are living with our respective parents.
Barb - it's funny you asked what I see with BF/ why I love him. I often asked him why he loved me, but never gave an answer. Thinking back to XH - I'm finding I forget most of the reasons I loved him. I just did. It was like breathing for me. From the day I first seen him, I had that bolt - that feeling that I knew he was it. He used to have romantic moments.
I don't know what's going to happen with BF. I think that we do need to sit and talk about this face to face. After 8+ months togetherI can't just stop taking his calls and stop calling him and just let him get the hint that it's over. I want to talk about this, give him the chance to talk / fight ...whatever. Who knows. I'm not 100% about anything at this point.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
SC- I can see how emotion would cloud thinking of good things, but looking back on the R with XH- I'm really having trouble thinking of anything. He took the dog out. He would occationally do laundry. But I cleaned, I cooked. The last months together he took care of the bills.
But there was no meeting me to pay for gas - no lunches or dinners out. He didn't invite me out to the bar when he went with his friends. Didn't even snuggle in bed. No breakfast or coffee or anything in bed. With his income he didn't really complain about things I bought. He encouraged me professionally. Still does that when we talk. He occationally did dishes.
I might be blocking something because of anger and hurt - but it's hard to say because I really truley honestly cannot think of many things he did for me to show he cared and loved me. I woke up before I had to iron his pants. I got up when he did just to take the dog out.
But when I was doing it all - I didn't have a problem with any of it. He didn't demand it of me or anything like that. I was fine about it. I was happy with life. But he wasn't and that's pretty much all that matters.
Oh well.
It's really upsetting that BF hasn't called or anything. Drives me nuts how closed off he can be. I haven't gotten him a birthday card. I was planning on getting 1 mushy and 1 funny card. Now I don't know if I should get a card at all.
Even if BF did call - I have no idea what to say. Add lib I guess.
I very much don't feel like dealing with customers for 4 hours tonight.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
TMW, I'm wondering why you don't understand that you deserve better than these "emotionally unavailable" men that you've chosen????
Don't call BF. Don't text BF. Don't chase BF. Don't try to talk with BF about your R. He's telling you how he feels by his actions. Get your self respect back and dump his sorry a$$!!!! He doesn't deserve you.
TMW: Working tonight for 4 hours is the best that could happen - 8 would have been better. You have something else to concentrate when you're at work - you HAVE to.
I think you have to give up all expectations of BF. Others here have told you the same. DON'T PHONE HIM. OR TEXT HIM. OR EMAIL HIM. You had little expectations of him before and he still let you down. WOW - honey, there are so many guys who are 100 times better. Listen to your friends here. Have we steered you wrong before???
Emotion doesn't really cloud our thinking. It lets us go through this honestly. Otherwise we would be unfeeling beings and we are not that. I remember going to sleep sobbing and I'm a grown woman. I remember driving to work sobbing. It's the way we do things. You love him because you do. For no other reason you feel this pain. But really, it's the pain of everything. The pain of your loss of XH, the pain of losing your home, and now the pain of losing him - the BF. The one who made you feel better.
But TMW - this is HIS loss. He does not feel pain because he was never invested enough in you. Believe me, you deserve that. You will never find it with him right now because he has so much growing up to do. You, on the other hand, have been growing up over the past year and are a full grown woman who deserves a man willing to respect that. You don't need to be a mans' mother. You don't need to have to remind him about what you need or what you expect from him.
Hell TMW, he allowed everything that happened - to happen without any input. Without anything at all, he just moved to his mother's house and let other people control what happened to himself. It could be that one day he will grow up, but RIGHT NOW, what you need is a grown up, responsible man. Or - no man at all. All you need right now is love. You can choose to love yourself, expect better, live with what life brought ya. It's all you can do right now. Eventually, you will realize what a gift the BF gave you. He's not ready and you are.
Work is what saved me TMW. I immersed myself in it. I let IT take the pain from me. I let IT bring me exhaustion and sleep. And eventually, I came out of the fog and realized the only one who could ever make me happy was myself.
You go right ahead and cry. It's therapeutic and it's ok. You will be just fine.
As you think about not calling bf etc. You might feel emotional pain. Please own this pain as your own. BF is not causing it in you. It's there and you want him to take care of it, but he's not going to. You have to. It will feel painful, it will feel worse before it feels better. If you allow yourself to feel it and know that it is normal. It will be okay. You can do it!
I called him at midnight and told him happy birthday.
I simply told him that it was really hurting my feelings the way he doesn't ask anything, he doesn't call, he doesn't step up. Not sure that he fully realized that he was really hurting my feelings by doing/not doing these things. He asked me to come over tomorrow (today). I said I was already planning on it for his birthday. He surprised me and said goodnight. (He usually just says bye)
I have no idea what I am going to say to him today, I have no idea what he is going to say to me.
I love him and I want him to step up and want this relationship and to fight for it and work at it. I'm not doing the work and the fighting. As of this moment, I don't know what's going to happen. I can't say it's 100% over. I don't know everything that's going on with him. I do know it's hard on him moving back in with his parents & not having a job. I do know he has to grow up and learn how to take responsibility and has to learn how to have discussions and conversations.
It's wierd - a few people I've talked to in my life about this situation, they place such a large part of the blame on his parents. Because, they conclude, his brother is so much the same way.
My mom got into an argument with BF's mom - Bf's mom just says "I know, I know" about everything. My mom told her - no you don't know, it's your behavior and your husband's that your sons look to and that's why they are mostly the way they are. They are not affectionate (but BF is). They do not communicate. BF's mom takes care of everything - all shopping, cooking, cleaning, bills. They hide things- from each other, from their sons, from the rest of their families. When they got married, they lived in a relative's basement. Then they "bought" the house from Bf's grandma (they still haven't paid it off) right down the street.
Thankfully BF and his brother aren't AS bad - but they picked up a large extent of it all. It's a shame.
But there comes a time they both have to grow up and realize the ways they want and need to live.
I know there is better, I know there is worse. I'm going to see what happens today, tonight and go from there. 1 day at a time.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
You have had to deal with several good sized emotional issues all on top of one another. Be good to yourself and allow your feelings to flow. You'll get there, they have to process and come out or be locked away and cause ongoing problems for you.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Thanks - that is very true. I don't want to bottle things up or anything - I've seen the truly deadly affects that can have mentally, emotionally and physically.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
TMW: You don't listen to the good advice you've been given. You phoned him. You pulled at him again to give you what you want. Even your Mom nags at his Mom - how much does that say about the situation. STOP IT NOW!!
Ok, this has been going on for months. You won't stop. No matter what. So its obvious you are torturing yourself. And no one can help you.
