Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 13 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 12 13
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,938
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,938
Hiya Sage - I feel your anxiety, simply because many sentiments echo my bad days, and I do not have a baby to take care of. It's like we put all our effort into dbing, and personally part of me feels unvalidated because NG does not seem to have altered any of his outlook

Ellie as always has terrific ideas, I would just add that it may be practical to remember the baby step approach. Change just one thing this week, and see how it goes. As strange as this may sound, my friend back home used to have a baby-sitting exchange with another couple - every Tues Jane and her H will watch Gaby's kid, who was of similar age to Jane's, and every Thurs, Jane's kid spent the evening at Gaby's. Apart from giving both couples date nights, it also allowed parents to 'benchmark' the kids' behaviours, which apparently took care of some latent anxiety.

Hugs to you. Slowly


A Liberal Allowance of Time
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,778
A
amd Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,778
I like the shared babysitting idea. Maybe that would also give your H another man to talk to or at least watch interact with babies and see how he does it.


amd
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 4,885
sage Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 4,885
Hi Ellie, Slowly and AMD,

Sorry to post and run. I won't whine about having no time to post I thought about posting many times while I was at work this week but felt funny about it.

Thanks so much for the suggestions, all, I really appreciate them. I KNOW that time together with h is the key for us and I can see myself in a crappy cycle and I suppose it's a good thing that I can see it but I'm trying so hard to stop it and it's not going as well as I want.

Just last week my stepmom and dad said they'd like to babysit at least once a month so that's cool. I've also got three other potential babysitters (teachers from dd's daycare) so I can swing something at least 2 times a month, I think. I swear, though, I just want to bop h off the head of late...he's probably thinking "I'm in this negative pattern and I can't break it".

What I really need to do is start posting some goals and 180s...getting back to my roots, ya know? I also feel like if I read my old threads I could get myself back into the groove.

But simple truth...spending more time with h, letting go of resentment and score keeping, focusing on the positives, speaking his LL, etc. would all go a long way.

Sage


Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 4,885
sage Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 4,885
Grrr...ok, fodder for DB'ing (one way to look at it).

Last night, at the end of our three day weekend during which h spent 1/2 of it acting as though his dog had died, I struck up a conversation with him last night -- "I'm worried about you", "Do you want to talk about it".

Well, yes, he did.

Basically, he said this...

1. He feels that despite our pre-baby conversations we have turned into people whose life is "all about the baby". He said that he didn't realize that she would have to be watched at all times save when she's sleeping. That it's all encompassing, etc.

It sounds like it's not just the effort involved in watching her but that he feels as though we're "choosing" to have her be the focus.

2. He does not want to be corrected, EVER -- earlier during the evening when we were getting ready to feed her he ripped a toy out of her hand (our "rule" is "toys or food in the highchair, not both"). I said "She's getting to the point where you might want to tell her that you're going to take the toy away" (notice that I did not say "ask for permission"). Anyway, heinous mistake on my part. He said I think my way is always right, etc. OK, easy enough.

3. That he's stressed out about his new job.

4. That he doesn't feel well.

He was so downtrodden during this conversation -- through the who GD weekend and the weekend before this and the one before that -- weekends are too hard, he says, etc.

Last night I was in good listening mode, etc. Today I am depressed, mad, sad, tired and wondering if I have the stamina to take this on -- particularly since toddlerhood (hers, not his) is looming large and do I really think it's going to get easier or actually be fixed? Do I really think some sense of teamwork or his enjoying his family will return? Is that even possible?

And, let me get something off my chest (and I did not point this out to him)...here's what his sunday consisted of (1/3 of his "no downtime, awful weekend")....

a. Sleep through the night (I got up 4 times with Charlotte)
b. Sleep until 8am (I got up at 6:30 with her)
c. Take a 3 hour nap (hahahahaha)
d. Go watch football at a friend's house for 5 hours
e. Watch Charlotte solo for 40 minutes while Mom takes a break and showers (watch Charlotte for 24 hours - 40 minutes)

Yes, I'm feeling a wee bit "keeping score bitter" right now but let me ASSure you that he got my best face that day and every other freakin' minute of the weekend.

Cheeseless tunnel alert -- where's my credit for 10 months of keeping crap pulled together while working full time and being patient with everyone and everything? (Yes, Ellie, I can hear you now -- "Here's your credit, Sage, now get a babysitter!" )

So, when I'm feeling a little less mad (later today), I'll come back and do something with his complaints. At this moment, I have no desire to even try. (Yes, that was me pulling out my KLA tapes this AM but I did NOT listen to them on the way to work. So there! )

Sage


Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Quote:

(Yes, Ellie, I can hear you now -- "Here's your credit, Sage, now get a babysitter!" )



Yup.

It IS overwhelming to have a child and realize how all-consuming it is to take care of them - and for guys, they feel simultaneously like they lost their wife. You NEED a weekly date night, no ifs ands or buts.

As for critiquing his parenting - we moms do have a tendency to take over in that department, criticize H for not doing it right, then criticize them for leaving it all up to us! One thing that will help is if you get some YOU time on the weekend, where he has to be solely responsible for her for a chunk of time. He won't do things the way you would, but eventually he'll gain more confidence in his parenting skills.

Also - all this sleeping sounds like he's depressed again. Of course, when he's depressed, everything seems like it must be your fault. Would he use a light box? Can you sneak a dawn simulator into the bedroom (I know where to get a really cheap one for under $30). Check out this website of an old professor of mine, he's done a lot of the research showing that light therapy helps regular depression too, and has a nice little free e-book that covers all the bases - www.dankripke.org I think.

Hang in there. Speak his love languages, give him your attention, carve out some couples time. Feed him salmon and vitamins. You can do this.

Ellie

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,691
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,691
Hello Sage ,

I can only imagine how you feel not having children myself, and your feelings come out loud and clear. And it's good to come here to get them out.

As someone who read every one of your threads thoroughly and admired your ability to identify a problem and deconstruct it into small actionable steps, I know you've got it in you. You know fully well that you have to be the change you want to see - that you can't make H do or think or change. Gripe all you want here - I'm sure there are plenty of moms who share your feelings.

I know in the moment when you are mad or angry, you don't feel like being the one to take on the issues, yet again. But have you thought of the alternative? Will letting things get worse be closer to your ideal picture?

Can you take H's statements below and 'translate' them into a more 'loving' version? For example, how often do you hear someone say something like "well, you coulda called ?" When really what they probably were saying beneath the anger was more like "I really looked forward to talking to you, and I miss you."

If I were to take a quick crack at the items below, I see:

1. H. misses the you and him before the baby. And as a non-parent, I can tell you that I have seen many of my friends have kids and somehow completely transform - they stopped doing their interests, or able to talk about anything other than the kids. And you happen to know that I LOVE kids, but I also need adult conversation and interests. Can you put enough of a positive spin on this one to see that he might miss the Sage & H you were?

2. I think you've got this one figured out - might be time to pull out M/V again . . . I remember you going back to it several times (don't you have it on tape?).

3. Hmmm, well not much you can do about this one. I think M/V would suggest you simply listen and show confidence in his ability to handle it.

4. Did he elaborate? Has he gone to the doctor?

I know you can do this Sage - I've seen you do it before. You know that it takes some consistent focus in small steps to turn things around.

Now, you've come and griped - fair enough. Come back and let's see you tackle some of these in the Old Sage Way. And Ellie's right - get a babysitter and get a night out w/ H. right away. That has got to be good for both of you.

Hugs,
-H2H

Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 4,885
sage Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 4,885
Ok, dear friends Ellie and H2H (where have you been, girl??) -- I will take it as a sign of your confidence in me that you think I can rise to this challenge. Yesterday AM I did NOT agree with you but I'm feeling more spirited today.

First off...we have a babysitter for Saturday night AND we have another one coming for an interview on Sunday afternoon -- so between those two and my stepmom, we have 3 of the 4 weekends in a month covered (I think each will commit to one night a month at least). I have a couple of other possibilities to find the 4th weekend coverage.


Quote:

1. He feels that despite our pre-baby conversations we have turned into people whose life is "all about the baby". He said that he didn't realize that she would have to be watched at all times save when she's sleeping. That it's all encompassing, etc.




More positive spin -- that yes, h is saying loud and clear that he misses US and our alone time. I realized today that it is a gift that he said all of this outloud...when he dropped the bomb so many moons ago I wondered if I had missed the "conversation" warning me. This I can hear loud and clear.

So, #1 becomes:
h would like our relationship to be on the front burner again.

How:
-- Set aside time for us each week to be alone (date night)
-- Make times when we are alone more special -- make sure to listen intently, take time to just relax with each other, consider how to avoid the rut of weeknights blurring together.
-- LISTEN when he is talking
-- Figure out what REALLY needs to be done "now" and what doesn't. DON'T do what doesn't need to be done.
-- More as I think of them.

Quote:

2. He does not want to be corrected, EVER -- earlier during the evening when we were getting ready to feed her he ripped a toy out of her hand (our "rule" is "toys or food in the highchair, not both"). I said "She's getting to the point where you might want to tell her that you're going to take the toy away" (notice that I did not say "ask for permission"). Anyway, heinous mistake on my part. He said I think my way is always right, etc. OK, easy enough.




The more positive spin -- h is saying "My relationship with DD is special and separate from your relationship. I want to feel confident and able in caring for her. Please allow me the latitude to learn how to do things my way. You may even learn something Miss Smarty Pants. "

How:
-- Let DD and h spend more time alone together -- schedule "me" time out of the house
-- Note and verbally appreciate the things that he does with her
-- Show h the "process" type things (mixing her cereal, fixing her food, etc.) so he feels more confident doing them
-- Accept that he will grumble about most of these things but allow that he really wants to do them
-- Bite my tongue in lieu of offering "helpful advice" (aka, my way or the highway)
-- Engage him in discussion on approaches to take (but NOT on date night! ) This isn't me telling him what I would do but more listening to how he wants to handle things...I've found that he really does like to talk about "so how should we handle this thing in the future"
-- More as I think of them

Quote:

3. That he's stressed out about his new job.




Last night he was in a MUCH better mood and it was because he was no longer worried about something at work (note to self, when he's worried about work he may start griping about home).

I think I've been very good about listening to his job stuff and being supportive but it occurred to me this AM that he might think I'm NOT getting IT in terms of how hard his job is (because I keep telling him how awesome he's doing). Test the waters of saying "Oh, that sounds so hard/complicated/complex" instead of "I'm sure you can do that". That way, when he does succeed, it will have been noted how complicated a task he just accomplished.

Quote:

4. That he doesn't feel well.




I think this is tiredness + the depression that Ellie cited + us not working out/eating particularly well. I think I can help with this by getting back on the exercise horse, myself, and by encouraging us to eat healthier at home.

I'll put some actions around this and expand on the others when I have more time!

Thanks, guys I'll be back.
Sage



Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,375
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,375
Quote:

(note to self, when he's worried about work he may start griping about home)




Hey sage ...

Just a quick note as I come up for some air from the work-baby-tryingtosleep wheel...I know that I have a tendency to do this.

Hope things are going well.


[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,691
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,691
YooHoo Sage -
Sooooo, how did the Saturday night date go w/ H.? How are things going? I'm nudging to stay the course and do what you used to do so well which was to post regularly, post the positives, and attack the issues slowly but consistently.

Come and tell us how things are going?
Hugs,
-H2H

Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 245
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 245
Dear Sage
I haven't posted on this board for the longest time so forgive if it sounds like an intrusion. Just adding to good advice that you already have about the quality adult time. it is v important. I have naiively imagined that if I knew back when I first had children what I know now I would have avoided lots of problems. The fact is clear now that I wouldn't have avoided the problems but could have handled them better. You have a fantastic ability to deal with problems - but there will always be another one. I love your positive spins.

Page 7 of 13 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 12 13

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard