Have you saved any nasty emails from H? Next month you could re-read those instead of getting freshly hurt by new nastiness. I just read some of H's worst today, from discussions over our 2003 taxes. What an a$$hole he was over about $700. It toughened me up pretty quickly after some weakness over the holidays!
Don't give him any decent towels if he is just going to use them as rags. If there are too many, give them to charity, or an animal rescue org. or even use them as rags yourself.
I've been checking in on you regularly, just haven't had anything good to say!
Hey, ka_zump. Don't worry about waiting for something nice to say before posting. After the sh!t H did, there's not much nice to say. . Thanks for stopping by. Unfortunately, H doesn't use e-mail. It's all been face-to-face visits when he's been his meanest. It's weird how the things he says -- even when I vividly remember them -- don't "stick" like the written word. It's too bad I don't have a nasty e-mail I could revisit.
Journaling... So I've been doin' a little thinking the last coupla days. It helps that I've been feeling really strong. So, I thought maybe I could rely on my own written word to pull me outta the gutter next month.
I've been reading a lot about our essential emotional needs, and how a spouse may stray when one or more of those needs are not met by his or her spouse. But the OP is eventually able to meet even fewer of those emotional needs than the LBS. The WAS typically realizes that sometime after leaving, then often goes back to the LBS. It's all a pretty predictable pattern, though at times I feel my sitch is so much different, and so much more unpredictable, than everyone else's. We probably all feel that way at times.
So what emotional need was I not meeting that OW did? Methinks that's an easy one. My H is very much my opposite in that he relies on external approval for self-validation. If I didn't immediately praise him for his work, he would practically beg for my opinion. He *knew* it was a good piece of work. But he needed me to fall all over myself resassuring him. However, I am a firm believer in self-validation through our own feelings of self-worth ... maybe even to a fault. My job is one that generally causes a lot of strong feelings -- sometimes "for" me, but most times "against" me. I can't care what people think as long as I'm doing what I know in my heart is the right thing to do. If I'm happy with what I'm doing, I don't need someone else to approve of it. Just to provide an example: I won a coupla state awards last year for my coverage of a controversial issue where I live, and I just now hung them on my wall at work ... and only because they've been collecting dust at my house, and I'm finally trying to clean up around here.
But here's how it possibly impacted my R with H: The OW is an interior designer. My H is a fabricator, and focuses a lot on designing and building custom furniture. She had contacted him to build something for her for a room she was designing. What was interesting to me was to recall today how, on OW's first and only visit to my house, I was on the computer while H was greeting her. I had made a portfolio for him (of his work) to show OW when she was here. But as soon as she stepped foot in our door, H starts taking her on a tour of our house, skipping *all* the wonderful pieces he's built and instead showing her everything *I* designed and decorated. "Look at these lamps. P&DB made these!" "Hey, look at these candles! She made that! Can you believe it??!!" "Oh, and look at this! P&DB painted it. Isn't that awesome??" Only then did he show her his work. And boy, did she "Ooooo" and "Ahhhh" over his masterpieces. Rightfully so, of course.
I should've known then that she might be a weakness to H. He's one of these people who would ask me, "What did such-and-such think about the table I made? What did s/he say? Did s/he like it?" It wasn't enough for me to say, "Honey, they thought it was fantastic. But of course they would. You're awesome."
The downside of that is that I was often H's "feet" when his head was in the clouds. As soon as he was contracted to build one spiral staircase, he was ready to quit his full-time job to start his business. And he would literally argue that he could and should do it. I would remind him that if he didn't get a job after the staircase, we'd be homeless. I tried and tried to reach a compromise with him, and finally did -- one where he could work part-time at his "real" job, and I would continue to work to make up for what we were missing as a result.
But he always *hated* that I ended up being right. He's admitted that to me time and time again. He'd say, "I'm not mad at you. You're right. I'm mad at myself." But now, in his anger, he says that with sarcasm. "Ol' P&DB ... always has to be right!!"
So back to my basic question: What emotional need is OW meeting that I didn't, or couldn't? My H's need to feel like the center of the Universe. He needs, and is receiving from her, external approval, assurances that he's the greatest welder and person alive, and he can do anything he puts his mind to. OW makes him feel special ... because (and this is my opinion) she feels inferior to him. I truly now believe that H always felt inferior to me. He felt he was standing in my shadow. I was the "well-known" one in our R. Many of his most well-known and well-liked jobs were spawned by my connections with people. I was always in the "spotlight," and he felt he was "riding my back." I was the strong one, the smart one, the rational one, and yes, I "wore the pants." OW doesn't even live here, so she's not that well-known. And she's obviously kinda weak and desperate for attention -- even if it's from a married man with a child on the way. Like H, she obviously looks outside herself for approval (and is likely getting that from my H).
As a side note, that's one thing that really hurts: My H and I fell in love for some of the same kind of reasons. We made a good team, and we admired one anothers' work. Our love was built out of admiration and respect.
I believe that one day he'll remember that. One day H will grow tired of his "June Cleaver fixation" -- which I would argue he already has, since he came back home to Momma for that brief while. One day, I think he'll realize that while OW might be really good at praising him and making him feel special through her admiration of him, that I too admired him ... but I also kept him grounded. And I did that because I loved him and wanted us to have a good, stable life together. Then again, he might always remember that as me being "nagging" and "controlling." (But I don't really care because I don't depend on his approval -- Just kiddin'.)
Maybe one day H will realize all his emotional needs that I *did* meet rather than focusing on the couple I didn't. He didn't leave me for lack of physical touch. He didn't leave me because I cramped his style or didn't leave breathing room in our R. He certainly didn't leave me because I held him back from pursuing what he likes to do ... though maybe I didn't "allow" him to pursue those things as hard as he wished he could.
Yes, I was demanding. Yes, I had very high expectations for him. Yes, he took care of a lot of my dirty work while I worked my a$$ off in my job that didn't do much to pay our bills. Yes, he sacrificed a lot to be my H and the father of my children. Yes, I prolly could've done a little more and expected a little less.
But while I may have done some things wrong, I did nothing that justifies him leaving me at all ... much less for OW. And this may sound really egotistical, but I also realized today that H is gonna have a very hard time finding someone who compliments him the way I did. Or at least in so many "essential" ways.
It's all true what people say about spouses leaving to test the grass on the other side. And my sitch is really no different. Maybe it is, after all, just as predictable as everyone else's. I'm not sure how long it'll take, but one day H's eyes will open to the fact that he left a very good thing when he left me and our M. I worked really hard at creating a good R with him. I cooked hot meals for him nearly every night. I made a comfortable and clean home for him. I would show affection to him in public, though he knows I despise public displays of affection. I would put my best foot forward to change my bad moods for him, assuring him that they weren't his fault. I made sure the kids were away at least one night a weekend so he and I could spend time together. I took beers to him in the garage (and that alone should be enough for a man, right?? ) I followed him on his mountain biking trips, even though he admitted he'd never be a spectator at one 'cause they're so boring, and I turned them into a mutually rewarding event by taking my camera for pictures of H. I would kiss him goodbye and tell him to have fun at the concerts he and his buddies wanted to go to. And I would ML to him when he got home.
So what that I didn't dress up and meet him at the door everyday in plastic wrap?? So what that I didn't wear make-up everyday to look purty for him? And so what that I thought he should learn to trust his own instincts, and learn to validate himself, rather than depending on the opinions of other people??
Screw him! I was a good damn wife! I'm not the one who should be sitting at home crying right now. 'Cause you know what? I'll be a good wife again someday. And maybe this time to somebody who will appreciate what I have to offer.
Okay, somebody remind me of all this when I hit bottom again. Hey, the way I look at it: If I embrace the pain on the bad days, I can likewise embrace my strength on the good days. There'll be plenty more painful ones to come.
WOW, prego!!! What an insight!!! It hit home here. My H used to feel inferior too. It was one of the main reasons when he first dropped the bomb: "I am tired of the feeling that someone has so much power over me!" And you know what? I did have. That was the whole problem. He would roll over and play dead if I asked him to and threatened to leave. Reading your stitch made a few things more clear to me. H was also a sucker for compliments (which I rarely gave him). OW is also inferior to him.
Thank YOU for YOUR insights!!!
(I want to remind you that you can call me at any time if you are having one of those bad days. I also want to remind you that I have always admired your strength through this!)
Ahh, caverna. You're welcome. I didn't think all my rambling would strike a chord with anyone. I'm glad it made sense to you. Yep, you sound kinda like me. Our Hs, at one time, were kinda wrapped around our fingers. I never meant to take advantage of that. I believe I may have gotten to a point where I did, then something happened, and I opened my eyes to the reality that I could lose the guy I love. And he's a very good guy, despite what he's doing to me right now. I had a lot of power over him, and perhaps I could've been a little more gentle with it. It's weird that whenever that certain something happened -- when I realized I could lose my H -- was when I started relinquishing my "power." I started being more loving, more affectionate, blah, blah, blah. And two months later, he left me.
Our Hs, at one time, were kinda wrapped around our fingers. I never meant to take advantage of that. I believe I may have gotten to a point where I did, then something happened, and I opened my eyes to the reality that I could lose the guy I love
I gotta jump in here PandDBing...this is exactly the same thing I did with my H. I always felt like I had the control in my M...that my H would NEVER leave me b/c he loved me too much. I took that for granted. I took advantage of him. And every time my H would say to me, "look, i am having a hard time now...you need to let me in, be more affectionate, etc." - that was when I would "step up to the plate" as my H likes to say. It was always when my back was up against the wall that i decided to change and become more loving and affectionate. Thing is, my changes never lasted...after a while, i would go back to how i had been. After 10 years of that, i guess my H doesn't believe it will last this time. And, i can't really blame him. He actually admitted that the year before i moved out, when he started to pull away from me, he was doing it purposely b/c he was finally getting a response from me. Interesting. Thing is, now that i really do feel capable of giving him all the things he needed, i don't think i will get the chance. I guess i can use what i have learned in my next R, if there is one. I'll tell you, this whole experience is enough to make me swear off love for the rest of my life. But, i know i'll be a sucker again. I just hope i don't make the same mistakes.
Sorry to have hijacked there...just couldn't miss commenting on the similarities...glad i'm not the only one who feels that way.
And, i have to say, that i really do admire your strength. I don't know how i would do this if i was pregnant...let alone if i had caught my H with his OW (well, i kind of have, just not with "his pants down"). Your last post was really inspiring. I don't even think anything i could say would really do it justice. Just know that people here respect you for your strength. I appreciate the feedback you have given me. Thank you.
Hey, Imdi and caverna. Interesting similarites, eh?
(caverna) Maybe our Hs are men "who love too much?" And than can't handle it?
I dunno. I wish I could figure out the problem. It almost seems in my sitch that when I started being more "domestic" -- in other words, when the tables were turned and *I* started being the one who went out of my way to show him I loved him -- that's when he stopped respecting me. Maybe not, though. I don't know enough about how he was feeling leading up to him leaving to really be able to say definitively. It could be just as possible that he had grown tired of my "hardcore" independence throughout the few years we were together. And he finally snapped.
Journaling again... I've had another good, strong day today. I don't know if it's because I called him the other night, or because I don't know where he's living, or because the holidays are over, or just because some days are up and some are down. But I'm not gonna worry too much about it. I'm liking the "up" time a little too much to drag myself down now.
I had my first visit with a C today. It's been planned since before H and I had started reconciling, or whatever those 3 weeks were. It was interesting. Got the comment, even from the C, that I'm so used to hearing: "Wow. You're really together considering the circumstances. You're really strong." She actually felt better when she saw some tears. She smiled and said, "There's the emotion I was looking for."
I caught her up to speed on things that have gone down. She didn't have much time left to talk, and I only scratched the surface in the hour I was there. She said I definitely needed to come back so that I just had an "outlet" where I could lose my strength for a while.
I dunno. I'm gonna keep going, but what I really want to do is try to get into the minds of WASs. I already know what's in *my* mind. I already know what *I* have to do to move on with my life -- and find whatever peace and happiness I can muster in it. I want to know about the dynamics of Rs. But a C isn't really going to focus on an absent person. She wants to focus on me. Sigh. I'll see where it leads, I guess.
Interesting happening while I was there, though. I believe that God works in mysterious ways. A MF of mine -- who's married with 3 children -- stopped by my house at lunchtime to drop off a bunch of baby things that he and his W are finished using. This friend is *very* talkative. He doesn't meet a stranger. I think my H has met him once.
Anyway, H was apparently here in the driveway when MF stops by. MF calls me and says, "He was working on a car or something, and you know me. I struck up a conversation with him about the stuff I brought by. I was showing him the little jumpy chair thing and said, 'Hey man. You'll love this thing. Just stick Little Man in it and he'll jump away. You're gonna love it.'"
MF said my H said, "Hey, thanks. I really appreciate it."
SuperDad really appreciates it. Ain't that sweet? Why can't he just say, "Hey, P&DB will be raising our son by herself, and I'm sure she'll appreciate it"? Of course I'm being sarcastic. But isn't it interesting how he still seems to be pretending that we're a happy little family? That he really cares at all about this baby?
Okay, change focus ...
I just read some posts a little while ago about anger, and how it shows that feelings are actually still there when a WAS uses anger. Hmmm. That's a hard concept to buy. But it reminds me of what H's friend told me soon after H left: "Hatred is not the opposite of love; apathy is." And it also reminds me of Ellie saying, "Anger is guilt turned outward."
The hardcore me, who says everything's over, wants to believe (as I posted yesterday) that this stuff doesn't apply to my sitch. That my sitch is different.
But maybe everybody's right. And that makes the more compassionate me think that maybe I'm being too quick to decide what I want in -- or out of -- my life forever.
Maybe H will come around after all -- maybe even sooner than later -- and at the least he'll take an active role in the baby's life. Maybe. I can't bank on that, which is why I have to move on just like we're not getting back together. And that means continuing with the legal process, which worries me a little. I fear that by protecting myself, I'll be pushing H totally away. But then that other part of me knows that *he* did this to me. He put me in this sitch. I have no choice but to protect myself. I have two weeks before my L and I are required to submit an answer to H's November complaint. We're answering with a lawsuit. We'll also be sending OW a letter. I haven't waffled at all about wanting to fight, primarily because (as I already said), I wasn't really left with a choice. I have to make my decisions based on being alone, raising three kids by myself. Not protecting myself is not an option.
Judging by what you've read in my posts, do you guys think that my H is just the classic WAS, like everyone else's? That right now he's just in an anger stage that's gonna pass? That maybe deep down he really does feel guilty and thinks he screwed everything up?
I guess I don't see it because the solution seems so easy to me ... and apparently he hasn't even entertained it. But before anyone goes and says, "Well, *your* solution is one thing. But he doesn't want to be with you right now, so his solution might be something different," keep in mind that H *did* come back around for those few weeks. It wasn't until I caught him with OW that everything went back downhill.
I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that I should keep a door open for H. Not *the* door; just *a* door. I mean, I guess I have to because of the baby. But he's really hurt my feelings in the way he's handled the baby, too. In saying "f*ck that kid." Can you guys tell how badly that bothered me? Do you think he really meant it? Do you think he'll want to have anything to do with the baby once he's born? I know you guys can only speculate, but I'm just probing a little...
Anyway, I guess there's also that little spiteful part of me that would like to have a choice, too, by the end of this game. That's what drives me crazy right now. Whether my M will or will not work is not my choice. Whether my H comes home or not is not up to me. I would really just like to have a choice. But isn't that what everybody wants?
Okay, enough introspective rambling. Sheesh. One visit to the C and you'd think I'm in la-la land.
...and here's another question while you're at it. I know this has been addressed in other sitches a million times. But I think I need it addressed in mine (again, maybe just to prove to myself that mine is really no different than anyone else's):
My H insists -- as everyone else's does -- that he has no feelings for me. But if that's so, why does he have to be so hateful? It seems that he thinks that being mean will prove to me that he has no feelings left. Why can't we be friendly to one another? Why can't he take an interest in the baby? Why does he have to be angry at the baby, too?
It seems to me that if he has no feelings left, he wouldn't mind helping me out a little bit around the house, calling to see how I am, going to prenatal appointments with me, etc. What's he so afraid of?
Stop trying to figure it all out. It will never happen. I know one WAH who has returned. He says "I don't know, I was just out of control".
Just watch, take note of things, but don't try to figure out what H might mean by them, or why he did them. It's a sure way to drive yourself insane while H blissfully floats through la la land, not thinking about what's happening or why.
I'm not sure I'd be so eager to have the "f*ck that kid" guy in my child's life. As great with S as my H is, sometimes I wish he was out of the picture so I could avoid the hassles of scheduling, and to spare S some of his feelings. I guess it's good to try, though. I don't think you should push it (because of course that would mean you are controlling in his eyes). I think you should just see how much interest he has on his own.
P.S. when I said I had nothing good to say I didn't mean I didn't have anything nice to say, just that I didn't really have anything to contribute.
. Thanks for stopping by. Unfortunately, H doesn't use e-mail. It's all been face-to-face visits when he's been his meanest. It's weird how the things he says -- even when I vividly remember them -- don't "stick" like the written word. It's too bad I don't have a nasty e-mail I could revisit.
