Well I guess I posted enough to my last thread that it got locked, so here we go with a new one. Lately I have been kind of struggling on what to do in my sitch. What I see is good change, in all but a few parts. Unfortunately those few parts included major LL components for me. It seems that we have reached a point of stand off and W does not look to be moving in that direction any time soon.
I made a call into my MC, although we haven't been in a while, I will try to make an appt. for myself and leave an open invite to W. Right now I find myself trying to figure out what I missed, and where to head next. What bothers me is I know we can make our way out of this, however W seems to be fixed on not crossing a line she has put down as how far she will come back. Perhaps she is afraid that if she gets too far back in she can't justify bailing at will. Part of my struggle has to do with too many nonDB types telling me to bail and cut bait. This would probably suit wife just fine because she could lay any blame she wanted on me.
I knew when we married she was strong willed. I'm starting to regret that now. Back then I believed it would be a strength to our marriage, not a boat anchor holding us back. I'm open to any and all recommendations.
PS, you've said it so well, I feel like I should have said it about me. Good change, stand off, what I missed, where to head next, not crossing a line. That about sums it up! One long thought I have that I'd like to add to all that. I figure I can keep working on this as long as I can see good change, I expect stand offs because of what I missed and it takes me so long to figure out where to head next to erase that line. I have plenty of time to be not married after I've exhausted all my try at making this a better marriage, and I'm learning in the process.
Don't give up, surround yourself with DB types that can help rather than hinder. I'd sure like to hear what your MC has for suggestions.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I like what you said about not jumping too quickly towards bailing. Like yourself I feel that way, I just get frustrated when I feel like I'm not in the "worst case" group, but I'm not in the "happily ever after" group. Some days it feels like the "one foot on the dock, one foot in the canoe" group. You want to make a move soon, but which way do you go.
MC didn't call back. I too am waiting to see what is said. MC responded fairly well, and seem familiar with the DB/DR principles. However, we didn't get too much of a chance to review them. In the sessions that we did have, she seem to be following them fairly well. My feeling is that at least I need to get back to C, the sitting around waiting for the "bus" is killing me.
For tonight I think I will just look at things in the form of pluses and minuses.
Pluses
This weekend W stopped and indicated that she might want a hug and kisses.
W made the comment/observation realizing that I am going through the same experience that she is, and don't deserve it also.
W wants to talk to me more and more about her day to day feelings (non R).
W will ask me to do things for her that she would not ask me to do post Bomb due to feeling that she did not want to feel obligated or closer to me.
In general things are more comfortable.
W is including me in plans, discussions and is seeking my input. Before she seem to feel I should/was gone and therefore irrelevant.
I was able to have a discussion with W about some of her feeling, which I mainly listen and validated while she talked. This appeared to be very positive.
Minuses
W seems to show signs of really needing C. (Non R)
Medical problems seem to be taking a real toll on her.
Sometimes her moods and position really seem to take a swing.
Sometimes W talks favorably of me and is proud of what I do, some times talks about me like she's taking "shots" at me, trying to make me look bad.
There are personality traits that were not a part of her before that seem to be coming out quite strongly. This bothers me, considering the time I have known her.
Not quite sure what to do or say some days. Although there are positives, it sure is becoming quite a can of worms. I still feel I'm doing the right thing, regardless of the pain and struggle. Hope the rest of you are doing better.
Yeah, I see a lot of pluses. You worry about personality traits that weren't there before, and maybe that just means you have to re-discover your wife. Like getting to know someone new. Just a thought. Hang in there, Phoenix.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
At this point I'm still trying to figure out if I want to know the "new" person. I guess re-discover is definately true in this sitch. The last few days I have found myself getting out the books and reviewing to see maybe if I have missed anything. I suspect the rest of my life it will be at least a yearly event. Perhaps I feel I have more hope, due to this book.
Well W was not doing well last night. She was sick and for some reason was out of sorts with the kids. I tried to just take care of things and let her be alone. This morning she is off with kids doing projects. I'm going to get myself together and outside.
So far DR review has helped. It's amazing how it feels like I'm going back to a new book. Definately something to remember. Life right now has been quite insane, I'm looking forward to the long weekend. I need something with two wheels, but that probably won't happen.
Hi Phoenix! Life has been insane? you mean in general or in the R? Remember too that if W was sick she would be out of sorts. That has nothing to do with you, don't let it get to you. How were things over the weekend?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Insane = Life. With that in mind the weekend went fairly decent R wise. At one point I got to sit down with W and talk R. We agreed to sit down once a week and talk R. I did a great job of using proper R talk technique. Kept it short, positive and forward focused. For now I just want the communication to be a little more open, as thing progress we'll try to work up some game plan.
I've been following your thread too. I was very impressed with the "move"/"memory refresh" you applied to your H. Work it slowly, but keep up the pressure. Unless he's stone dead, that's got to at least make an "impression" on him. Stay "focused"!?
(Not trying to lose my PG rating here, just can't quite relate to someone who wouldn't respond to such opportunity).
Anyhow, if it gives you more PMA, let's say your report made some of us here proud. I think your starting to work out a good plan of attack and technique. With better evironment, better "benefits", and a new and inproved W, he'd be crazy to leave. (I think he knows that too). The question is can he recommit and swallow his pride. I'm still smiling from the Latte move. Your a sly cookie!
Work it slowly, but keep up the pressure. Unless he's stone dead, that's got to at least make an "impression" on him. Stay "focused"!? 