By the number of posts I have there's no doubt I'm not a newbie.
I came to this site almost 4 years ago when my h moved out and wanted a d.
he was having a A that he originally would only consider an ea and now considers nothing.
obviosly he came home and suposidly ended the a.
Things were good for a while...infact they were great...we talked, spent time together and sex was suddenly a part of our life (he had always been too tired or too whatever before)
It didn't take long for things to start turning bad...the more he moved his stuff back in the more he returned to his old unattentive self serving self.
I've tried talking to him about it and gotten nowhere...
Off and on I've had my suspicions that ow wasn't really gone but figured that was just a "normal" way to feel after going through something like this...
over the past week my suspicions have began to consume me.
H's behaviour has changed...
he's even more distant, I'm lucky if I even hear from him all day and usually it's when he's on his way home.
if he doesn't go to bed right when the kids do he falls asleep on the couch.
Sex has once again been put on the back burner...once a month at best and even then there's NO kissing.
I do the laundry so it didn't take any snooping to find 3 pairs of underwear with tel-tale signs of excitment...that's 3 pairs within one week...one pair so obviously trimmed with his manhood that he rinsed them..though not well enough to rid what he was attempting to rinse away.
whether he's at it again or not is irrelevant...sure I'd like to know as it would make things alot easier...it would explain his lack of real presence here...the real problem is that we just aren't.
I don't know what I expect any of you to say...sometimes it's just good to get it out.
I'm drowning in these new suspicions...I don't have many ways of knowing for sure...he'd of course deny anything as would ow.
what am I supposed to do now?
I've been down this road before and honestly I don't want to work to save this m.
in any case...yes it does seem like "again"...as then, I don't know anything for certain and the likelihood of the same event that let it be known occuring again are slim to none (that is someone from "my side" seeing him with her).
Maybe it would be good for you to get out? Shake up your life. I need to remember that myself. I get stuck in my ruts all too often.
I've been getting out a lot lately. some of it's functions some of it's just fun.
Sucks, doesn't it?
You can say that again!
You know what's going on.
Trouble is I really don't know...right now I have suspicions and circumstantial evidence.
So... do you want to go through this again?
NOPE! no one is worth it.
What else can you do?
wait it out and keep my eyes open I suppose. Other than that I'm not sure.
Anything different this time?
that I'd do? not sweat it! if what I think is going on is going on..there'll be no fighting...no crying...there'll just be bags packing and me singing na na na na hey hey hey good bye. I wouldn't even consider for a second "working on it". Last time I was under 30 had two kids under 4 (more accurately one under 1 and one that just turned 3) I'm a bit older a wiser and see that I can make it without him or any man for that matter...I have been all along anyway...he's just here...he's never really been a present participating partner.
I'm just confused is all...keep trying to figure out if what I think I see is real or if I've just gone batty and become paranoid all of a sudden...I'm sure that's what he'd like to have me think if he's up to no good.
I am so sorry. I don't know if I could go through this again if I were you. Frankly, it's something I'm contemplating now because life is to precious to waste. I want to be in a mutually loving relationship. I don't know if I want to waste this time now, especially if he may very well turn around and do this again. You deserve more. Do you still want to save this? Or can you picture yourself having a first kiss with someone? Someone who will be honest and loving with you.
lostlove, sorry to hear of your sitch but you do seem to have a strong attitude about it. I remember reading something (can't remember what book right now) about after reconciliation, often the spouse who was left behind before ends up wanting out of the marriage later. They figured out what their needs are and they forgave their WAS and had the strength to work on the marriage and then if the spouse comes back and doesn't prove themselves capable of really creating a beautiful marriage, well the tables turn and they are the ones walking away. Perhaps the spouses who come back don't realize what they need to prove, perhaps they are still trying to get away with the wrong things they were doing before or maybe not at all...either way they need to realize we won't be doormats.
Are you able to have good, honest communication with your H? Can you take baby steps to create that if not now? I personally want to reach a point where if I have any concerns (suspicious, fears, sadness, anger, anything negative) I can voice them in a loving way and my H will LISTEN and validate and WANT to make me feel secure. If H feels secure with your love toward him but is not doing the same for you, he needs to understand the consequences of it. If you both feel secure, you both win of course.
Quote: I want to be in a mutually loving relationship.
don't we all.
I don't know if I want to waste this time now, especially if he may very well turn around and do this again.
That's a decision all of us have to make on our own. But it can be "he may do this again" it has to be more about the r...is the r or can the r be worth the risk that he may do it again. I've seen some r's come through here that have endured an a and turned out better in the end. Mine is not one of those stories though. Sure he came home, but did he really come home? I'm feeling like he didn't.
You deserve more.
Damn straight I do!
Do you still want to save this?
I don't think so and if he's involved with someone again I definetly do NOT!
Or can you picture yourself having a first kiss with someone?
You Bet! But I'm in no hurry for that.
Someone who will be honest and loving with you.
You mean there are actually honset loving people out there?
I recall hearing the same sentiments you refer to...don't know if it was a book or just a realization.
Quote: Are you able to have good, honest communication with your H?
Not unless it has nothing to do with him and even then...
Can you take baby steps to create that if not now?
done with it...he's a wall and I'm tired of bouncing my ball off of him
I personally want to reach a point where if I have any concerns (suspicious, fears, sadness, anger, anything negative) I can voice them in a loving way and my H will LISTEN and validate and WANT to make me feel secure.
That's what I want as well...thought we were on our way there after his return home but it seems to have slowly ended and now reached a point of taboo.
If H feels secure with your love toward him but is not doing the same for you, he needs to understand the consequences of it.
he feels pretty secure...believes I will not do the same that he did..at least knows I will not have sex with anyone. Consequences? he also knows I'm all talk and I'm going no where...can't make him leave without legal action and he knows I'm not ready for that..so he can pretty much do as he pleases.
Listen to your intution, don't try to guess what he's doing. He's probably at it again. Ok, here's my take... evidence can mean anything from him spanking the monkey to really fooling around. Either case, it's pulling energy and attention from you M. And he's not participating, right? There's no sex, right? There's the blank look and the mental vacancy on his part, right?
I can't give you a perspective of being in my 30s and young kids and having to deal with this. I was in my 40s with almost grown kids when I went through this.
But I realized I had to cut bait. It sucked me dry.
How long can you live with indecision? Do you want to live with indecision?
Listen to your intuition, it will not steer you wrong. If you are suspecting that he is up to something then he probably is. You have trust issues (who can blame you) do you not think that you deserve to be in a R where you can 100% trust the other? of course you do.
This is what i did:
My H. has been having A for 1.5 yr. and I took sometime for myself and did a lot of soul searching and decided that i need to be true to myself. I have a young daughter and I have thought a lot about her and how divorce would affect her. I also thought about the life lessons I want to teach her.... like don't let anyone treat you like a door mat.
Once I made my decision ( to divorce him)I knew it was for the best because all of my stress and worry just seemend to leave me it was really interesting. for me I can now vision my new life as hard as it will be I am truly looking forward to the next chapter in my life.
We're supposed to be divorce busters here, not trying to talk people out of their marriages. First of all LL, I'll admit it, men just don't get it! I already explained the "gunk" in his undies to you, so I won't go into that here. I know your H works hard, and he probably is tired at night. He just doesn't understand your needs (a man thing)!
But when he had his A before, he wanted a D, right? And he moved out! This time, it's only your suspicions! You need to put those behind you. At least he's home every night. LM123 hit the nail right on the head! Reconciliation is tough, VERY tough! I still think if I had been more patient with my W, I may still be M.
Let's look at the good side of things. Your H is a good provider. He's a good father. Has he brought up D again? Make a list of the 10 best things about him... ( )! Then forget ALL the bad things! Did you ever think you're expecting too much?????? (Before all you other posters pick on me, LL and I go back a long way, so I can be blunt with her)
I've learned more about women the last 3 years, than I did the whole 31 years with my W, mostly from this board. Men are simple, and women are complicated! This time, you should give him the benefit of the doubt! Part of the WAW syndrome is the woman finally gives up in her M. When she gives up, and resigns herself to a D, she stops all the bitching and complaining. At that point the H thinks the W has finally "got it", and everything is all right!