This feels like honey...

[Mellers]

Hi everyone!

I don't see very many names on this board now that I recognise, which I hope is a good thing because they've found their endeavours to be successful

I was quite a frequent poster on these boards for a while, and found them to be a lifeline, and I have no doubt at all that if I hadn't come here, I'd have been in a very different place today...

First of all, I must explain my sitch: I'm not married (yet!)- my problems were with my long term BF. He split up with me after about 10 years, citing "space" as his main reason for doing so. Both of us were battling with depression, although we didn't realise it at the time.

Of course I followed the predictable pattern of being clingy, needy and calling him all the time. He still saw me at weekends, but it was always a tearful affair, and eventually that stopped. Then he stopped answering my calls, and so it went on, with me getting deeper and deeper into the pit over a period of about 3 years.

Then I found this place after a desperate trawl of the web, and I started becoming me again. The other day I found a thick notebook full of things I'd quoted from this site, inspirational paragraphs (and sometimes entire threads!) I'd written/printed out, and I thought of just how much I'd grown and learned throughout my time here.

Anyway, I eventually decided I was strong enough to contact my BF after months of sparse e-mail contact and tell him it was OK - I'd moved on. It was finally over.

The very next day I found a mail from him in my inbox, which I didn't reply to for a week. I even felt that was quite easy, thanks to my time here. Then I did send a mail, strictly friendly, and within 10 mins I had 2 back from him!

This was last July, and to cut a long story short, we've been closer and more in love than we've ever felt over his past year He's a gentle, loving and attentive man now, who respects me and looks after me in every way. Every day I'm astounded by him.

We've been talking about marriage and kids, and he saw a mortgage advisor the other week to find out how much he could afford to spend on a new house

The one thing I want more than anything now is to be with him full time (we still live apart). So that is what I'm working on now

I just wanted to come here and let anyone who remembers me know how things have worked out for me, and maybe I can help someone else in the same way that so many brilliant peopple here helped me when I thought there was no help to be had.

Thank you all very much
Mel

[anna123]

Mellers... I cannot tell you how much it meant to read your post today. My heart is telling me that things are improving with my H, but I was starting to feel saddened by how few success stories I read here. A lot of roller coasters.

Your story is inspiring in the most literal sense - it has inspired me to keep my faith, and put it into your practical changes (I'm starting a book of quotes etc from the site tonight).

Can you tell us any other details of things that you did that changed your sitch? Changes in communication, in your life, in your interactions?

Every crumb of information is like a feast some days...

Thank you for coming back to let us bask in your success!!! It makes me see that I don't read a lot of success threads because they are off living in their relationships!

[sage]

It makes me see that I don't read a lot of success threads because they are off living in their relationships!

Anna, yes, lots of folks stop posting after achieving a certain level of success in the M rebuilding process...have you checked out the "successful men" and "successful women" threads (I think they're in newcomers)?

Sage

[dfb]

Mel -

I am so glad to hear from you! I haven't posted my own thread since I got married, and I know I should. I am thrilled that you are back with your bf! I was finally - finally - ready to concede my own relationship and move on (and date) last year when my ex-b decided he wanted to be back with me. I wish I'd gotten to that point earlier, but it really is hard, isn't it?

Wow, I'm so happy for you!

[Mellers]

Hi anna123, sage and dfb!

dfb, good to hear from you again, too! Glad you've been doing well -yeah, post again - I'm sure everyone would like to hear about your success!

anna123, nice to meet you I'm pleased that you've drawn some comfort from my post - I felt exactly the same way. I scoured these posts for any crumb of hope and inspiration, and when I couldn't be online, my scribblings and printouts kept me company. I seemed to learn something new from them every time I read them...

My learning curve was pretty steep, but the more I changed myself, the more I realised that I wasn't becoming someone "different", although my actions were very different - I was "re-becoming" (if that makes any sense ) the girl I'd always been, but that girl had been dormant for a long time. She was underneath layers of depression, sadness, defensiveness, self-pity and heartache.

My instinct is to learn, to read, to arm myself with as much knowledge as possible. By following that instinct, I was being true to my nature, but the thing that really challenged me was knowing that I had to put the theories I learned about, and that resonated so deeply with me, into practise.

Changes in communications?

I pulled back - totally
I stopped mailing BF constantly (I mean about 5/6 times a day)
I stopped calling him - I only got the answering service anyway...

Both these things were difficult - I had to sit on my hands!

When he did eventually come round, I let him lead the communication - I waited a suitable amount of time before replying to him, and when I did reply, I was friendly, light and upbeat.

He was comfortable with e-mailing, which continued for a few weeks and then he suggested MSN Messenger nights, where we ended up talking for 2/3 hours - strictly friendly - I always signed off first That went on for a few weeks as well

Then one night he rang my mobile! After I'd signed off from MSN, he said "Oh, just in case you need to get hold of me, here's my number" !!:) Although I was ecstatic, I didn't call that number - not once - for about 3 months. He called me all the time, however!
The first time he asked if he could come and see me, I actually had plans! So I didn't have to lie. I was so pleased about that!

After about 3 years of nothing, we'd finally gotten to the stage where he was calling to ask if we could go out!

Changes in interactions?
I smiled, I laughed , I made sure I always had something interesting to talk about, something that I had done. And if I hadn't done anything, I made it up

I have a dog, so when I felt like I was going to ask "awkward" questions, I said "I'm just going to walk the dog - want to come with us?" and changed the situation. The dog has been very helpful to me during DBing, though she doesn't realise it She was something to diffuse things, pay joint attentions to, etc.

Changes in my life?
I accepted invitations to go out, I went to the gym, I got a dog, I went on a trip to London on my own, I re-decorated my house, I watched comedy DVDs, I saw more friends, I relaxed, I wrote, I gardened. Now, I had done all these things prior, but I had stopped - it was like I had just stopped existing - I slipped under life's radar.

I kept a detailed diary of everything that I did - every little thing - I needed to keep track of where I was going, and sometimes, where I was going wrong. I set down my goals, and they were small - "Get up and get in the shower every day" - seriously. Some of them were bigger - "BF will call me" and they all got accomplished. Once I saw my successes, however small, they spurred me on to keeping on track, and they inspired me to think of even more goals because I knew I could achieve things.

My spiral started spinning the other way...

Well, those are some of the things that I did, and there were many more, and I no longer wonder about how things will end up between us.

The other day we were talking about me changing career and possibly going back to university, and he said: "You have to be happy, and I'll go wherever you want to..."

I came to piecing because I want to keep these positive changes happening, and because one of my goals now is to get married. But I'm not desperate for it to happen right away.

All the best
Mel:)

[amy7071]

I was "re-becoming" (if that makes any sense ) the girl I'd always been, but that girl had been dormant for a long time. She was underneath layers of depression, sadness, defensiveness, self-pity and heartache.

Now, I had done all these things prior, but I had stopped - it was like I had just stopped existing - I slipped under life's radar.

I can relate to that. With me it was such a long - subtle process - that it seemed all of sudden I was in a hole and I didn't know how I had gotten there.

Do you mind of I ask - are you taking anti-depressants ?
I am on zolaft - I wonder sometimes if its the AD's that had such a big affect on my attitude towards life or was it just me pulling myself up by the bootstraps...
I had never taken AD's before when I was younger and I didn't have such a negative attitude then.

[ANS]

Hi Mel,

I haven’t been back here for awhile either, so it’s an happy coincidence that I ran into you.

I’m very happy for you, Mel!!

Seems like some people don’t get the R they want until they give up wanting it. Ironic, ain’t it?

I always thought your BF was simply taking you for granted. Didn’t know if he’d ever realize that, but it’s heart warming to know he did, and figured it out.

Marriage is a pretty goal. So many people around here; whether married or not want that!

[Mellers]

Hi Amy, hello again, Andy!

Andy, it's synchronicity at work again, eh?

Amy, I was on ADs, but I only took them for a month, so it's unlikely that they had any real effect, but even if it was a placebo effect, I did feel better.

For me, the very fact that I had to go on ADs was a spur to "pull myself up by the bootstraps". I had already stopped taking them before BF came around, but I've no doubt that they helped me (in whatever way they worked) to relax, to stop churning up my insides, and to think more clearly. I was on Lustral - I'm not sure if it goes under a different name in the US...

Andy! So nice to see/hear from you again I hope you're well and happy, and everything is going your way...

Yip, things are working out great here, and I'm so happy - all that bad stuff seems a million years behind me - that's where it'll stay, too...

It'd be great to hear from you again

All the best
Mel