Well, I gonna give it one more shot here, then I buggin out Jim.
I assume you were talking about the scr dad not going to a scr game because you were there. Well, you can look at that two ways. One is the way you've taken it which is very understandable. I feel your pain! The other way is to see it as a victory! He's out of the picture at least for one function. That's cause for a celebration! Hopefully you used that time to make some positive progress with your W.
I'll be brutally honest with you Jim. You're frustrating me. You whine and complain about your W and her possible EA's, yet you have no problem flirting with the ladies on this board. Talking about whips and butts and mowing lawns and such. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with what your doing, just don't judge your W for having R's with other men. At least she's doing it in your prescence. I just wonder what she might think if she read your exchanges with some of the ladies here.
It's so easy to play judge yet there is only one judge who is right and perfect. Take a good look at yourself Jim and be honest. Unless your perfect, please don't judge your W. Accept her for who she is, where she is, what she says and what she does. Accept her, support her, agree with her, love her (check out 1 Corintians:13). You are not perfect, you are not without sin, you are not the chosen one. But you have been given the opportunity to serve, to make someone elses life better. Lay down your ego, your pride, your neediness. SERVE AND SUPPORT YOUR WIFE! If you can't handle that, or can't live with her the way she is right now, then take the easy out. Finish the D and move on to the next struggle.
God be with you Jim,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
COG, I know that Jim does a lot of teasing in fun but you're right, how would W see that? I know how I'd see it. Jim, I do think that you're not being completely honest regarding your actions and maybe this comes across to W. I think you may be expecting something from your W that you are not willing to abide by yourself. This is a two way street. In our conversations, I kind of get the feeling that you're trying to find fault with W so you can justify your actions. The best thing for you right now is to figure out what you "really" want and work toward that.
BTW, I'm not offended by your posts here as I know it's all in fun but how would L feel if she heard some of this stuff? How would you feel if you heard her saying some of these things? Makes her behaviour with SC seem kind of tame, I'll bet.
OK, I'm off my soapbox for now. I really want the best for you.
Wow interesting posts hope Jim gets to respond before it's locked! There's always 3 sides to every story mine, yours,and the truth usually somewhere in the middle. From what I'm hearing from Jim is he's a hard working father who loves his kids and his W, that is why he's in the pain he's in! Personally if it was me, I would be hard on the trail of the big D, an E/A or P/A are not on my list of things that I could easily forgive! I find Jim's remarks to be in good taste, and in no way offensive, as most of us here on the board partake in this past time. Were all going through, or have gone through a lot of crap and the humor supplies a needed comic relief! Rock on Jimmy! C.
With due respect to COG, I have to say that I take exception to what you have written.
I remember Jim, who was only ever James when he first appeared on the board. He wasn't laughing or making jokes then. There was always so much sadness and despair in what he wrote, that there were times when I wasn't sure how to answer.
I feel good for Jim when he can laugh or find something to joke about. Although when we first show up here we all know how we hope our situations go, as time goes on we are presented with a clearer picture of how things really are. Luckily by the time the truth starts to sink in, we are not so deep in our own sadness and we move ahead. Life goes on, and we even can find a laugh again.
I think that Jim knows full well that even if his wife has somekind of epiphany, the road ahead will not be an easy one, and we all handle things in our own way.
I think what I am trying to say here COG, is that there is a kinder way to put what you have just written to james. Maybe asking him if he's ever thought about how he's dealing with things would be better or telling him that this is how it appears and asking him what he thinks.
How can any of us assume what the dynamics are with anyone else's relationship? It has been in the making in most cases here for many years and old habits are hard to break. What I have learned from being here is that although the situations are all very similar, we all have our own way of dealing with our loss. Who am I to question how someone else deals with their pain?
Jamesluscious, As you can see, I, nor anyone else here, is offended by your joking. You know that I personally find you hysterically funny, even when I don't know what the hell you're talking about!!! My main message which I didn't get across very well, is don't expect more from W than you are willing to give. This is what you need to think about. Whatever you do though, don't stop being you. That's who we all care about!!!
IMHO, when people move to Surviving - they have really given up on their M. In many cases b/c the people in this forum were unable to save their M's - there is often (not always) a certain element of pessimism when it comes to the effectiveness of DB'ing. The concept that DB'ing is really something you do for yourself is sometimes lost in this forum.
And yes, there is a higher degree of flirting and even hooking up. I myself hooked up with a fellow DB'er as my first post D R - perhaps not the wisest choice given where I was in my own healing process at the time - but that was something I had to discover for myself...
If a DB'er still harbors hope of saving their M - "Divorced but not Done" or one of the other forums may be more helpful.
I personally have a rep as one of the most uptight and prissy DB'ers when it comes to flirting! LOL! It's just something I'm personally not comfortable doing on the BB.
That being said - I have met James in person. And he came across as an absolute gentleman that truly misses his W. His pain is real and his love for his W is real. His regrets with respect to his own mistakes in the M are genuine.
Actually James, as I've followed some of your posts, there are times when I find myself wondering if you didn't actually belong in a forum where people are actively setting DB goals. You don't sound like someone that is ready to give up yet. And your W is sending out too many mixed signals - and while there are no guarantees, I am not all that sure that she is really gone yet...
However, you are the only one that can decide what is right for you. I support whatever you decide is right for you.
Jim, Just hung up from talking to you and felt so bad for what you're going through right now. Let's hope you're wrong in your thinking. If you're not, then this probably is the right forum for you, mostly because we're such a happy group for the most part!!!
Anyway, wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and hoping for the best. ((((JIM))))
Oh yeah, I wanted to be the last one on your thread too!!!
Hey COG - I'm with you. I was gonna mention that myself next.
The whole time I've been here, I've never engaged in that sort of joking. I think the closest I think you could say is JamesJohn and that's not saying much (not about him or me, just we're platonically crazy for each other in a respectful, non-flirty way). You know, there have been some people around here that tell married people to date other people? And they try to act like that's Michele endorsed (and I have never seen her recommend that). You gotta watch out.
Our egos get plain busted and it's nice to engage in comradery - but we're supposed to be here to either save our marriages/relationships or to get through the time it's coming apart or to help others once we really look at the cards in our own hand and mature.
I've also seen so much of that type of joking...want me to tell you what a lot of those jokers are doing right now? I'll go ahead.
a) they're still going around in the exact same circles. Either with the same others or new others. And they're still not happy and they're still saying it's nothing to do with them. They're still waiting for everyone/everything else to change so they can be happy.
b) they've moved on to other boards on other sites and they don't much mention their experience here. And they act like they're experts and give advice to others, even though they can't really say they've been successful, even in the broad definition.
c) they just fade away.
I guess because I've always worked with/gotten along better with men...I've always been sensitive to it and made sure that line was drawn as clearly as possible for all parties involved. DTP didn't do that and pretended to not understand why I'd be mad when some female took his "friendliness" too far. And boy, did some of them... Beau & I are doing everything in our power, including avoiding each other, now because technically we're both still married... It's that propriety thing and the fact none of us like it when we're the ones on the other side.
But I do applaud the recognition of it and being honest about it. That's wonderful. Most of the time I know there's nothing really meant with it. It's just ego boosting. All I can keep saying is nothing worth having is easy. Nothing. Suck it up and reap the rewards when it's time. It does come .
I would like to mention that this particular forum is "not" for people still trying to save their marriages, but for those who have moved on.
Some of us preferred to get a life and find someone else that would be good to us, or even be alone, rather than put up with the BS inflicted upon us by unworthy spouses. If you are continuing to work on "saving" your M, then find a more DBing friendly forum than this one. Honestly, when I go to some of the other forums and read, it just depresses me and makes me remember when I was that miserable, confused, angry, etc. I've learned not to offer advice as my advice is....you deserve better, move on, etc. This isn't what they want to hear in the other forums. They still have hope that it will work for them.
Also, I've never heard anyone here say that Michelle approves of dating while still married. That is a personal decision. When the M is over, it's over. Why not date?
I believe Jim came to this forum originally thinking that there was no hope for his M and stayed because he has friends here. I doubt, well, I know, he hasn't done everything perfectly, but who has? Also, it does take "both" people to "want" to save their M and if you're working alone, IMHO, it doesn't matter how much you want it....it isn't going to happen.
My main message which I didn't get across very well, is don't expect more from W than you are willing to give. This is what you need to think about. Whatever you do though, don't stop being you. That's who we all care about!!! 