One afterthought. Something that helped ME get through those difficult kids events when my W was socializing with other men. I ignored who she was talking with and just enjoyed the people that God brought around me. I found that by the end of the game it was better for ME, not to know who she had talked to. I also met some new people and had some nice convo's. It takes practice and a strong will but it's much better than wringing your hands with frustration over who your W is with.
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
A quick update. STBX called me the other night to tell me some things about the meeting that day about my D's trip we are all taking next week. Talked for a bit and then before she hung up I asked,
Have you heard from your attorney? W; not since before the court date last week. H; Ok I was wondering what he had to say about the case, the courts dont seem to know anything. W; I assume it was dismissed. M; Well from what I was told he has to file a formal request to dismiss or eventually the courts will do it for lack of progress. I think the date is still the 26th. W; maybee I'll go over there on my lunch break tomorrow. m; Ok. Are we still on the same page with this? W; yes. M; Ok have a good night. W; allright thanks.
Bethie; Friends say what they feel to each other out of concern and honesty. Say what you will, say what you think.Thats all I ask. You are always welcome here. You and your brains.
Oh, and as far as my queen go's I'll try and keep her distracted whenever you need so you can make your getaway. Just give me the secret handshake, heh, heh.
Qoe; you are so good to me that I've decided to take you up on your offer. I'll let you know what day is good for me to mow your lawn. I do plan to collect this time though, LOL!
Take care all and drop by anytime. I'll keep the coffe on for yah.
"You two have always thrived on drama. You're a late bloomer. She's substantially younger. She may be a late bloomer too."
Yes it has taken me a long time to get where I am at. And sometimes when I look at her I see myself. That is one of the reasons why I have hope for us and feel so discouraged at times. People DO change, but somtimes it takes so much to make them do so. If I am right this may take a long time. If I am wrong it will not matter. If I am right it still may take a long time and it may not matter. Yes she is younger, 46 to 37.
"A thought - do you think your wife is DBing you unawares? Playing to the old you? So this og she's developing a R with (and yes, she is) is maybe something she's using to draw you back? Think like you WERE here. It's hard, I know, but do it."
No. I am not the jealous type. Even though I have been in this position before, I have always trusted her completely. I believe she knows that. And I have rarely been the type to trust anyone. And I cant see any reason why she would want to draw me back to her.
"I'll tell you from extreme experience: If you're done you're just done. And you do everything in your power to make sure EVERYONE knows that. If you're not, you make sure there's always a ball in play."
Well now that is the question isnt it? So if the ball SEEMS to be in play, why? Is it insecurity on her part? the I want to play the field and see what I could get thing? And if its not bettor I come back to you? I remember when we had come to this point before. One of the things that stuck in my mind was the comment that she was afraid that if she had run off with this OG and it didnt work out that I would not take her back. Of course that was a long time ago.
"Or is she one of those who doesn't want to be alone at all costs type? You know. But with all the time invested with you - she loves you man. You know it. She knows it. Everyone knows it. The real question is - is she willing to grow and become the woman you need? Is she ready to settle down yet? Cause I think she settled down before she was ready. Yeah, us chicks are guilty of that too"
Is she one of those types? Maybe, I dont know for sure. Is she willing and or able to grow and become the women I need? I dont know that either. As far as the settling down to young thing. Thats possible, she was a young mother at 23 when we first got together.
So I guess to summarise, there are more questions then answers. How to answer these questions? By continuing to try and find them. By continuing to create dialog between me and STBX that will answer those questions and help her to feel more comfortable discussing them. And in so doing help her possibly to overcome some of the same difficulty's and fears that I believe we have both shared without knowing it.
That is one of the things that keeps me going. The belief that I THINK I know why STBX is the way she is sometimes. However that is also one of the reasons why I become so discouraged about our sitch. I KNOW people can change. All I have to do is look in the mirror. But sometimes it takes a long time. And its hard.
As far as playing this smart or losing big? If I was so smart I wouldnt be where I am today. So I seem to have a hard time playing things smart. So I guess I just have to play things as best I can and still run the risk of losing big.
Thanks for now. And thank you for your input. It will always be appreciated. Take care, as always, and may you always find the rich's in life.
Thanks again Cog. Your right of course letting that get to me isnt doing me any good at all. I need to work on that.
Now I have been trying to think of idea's to try and begin initiating some type of constructive dialog between me and whatever she is right now. For the following reasons;
Communication has been a problem for us, Duh.
By not talking all this time the D just rolled right along and I believe would have happened by now.
Any progress I have made seemed to be directly related with my attempts to talk with her about our sitch.
So I have decided to approach her with the idea that we should try looking at our family as a business with us as the 2 permanent board members, with three major issues to address. 1. Financial; This has always been my big problem so Im gonna ask her to take the lead on this one. Household spending will be discussed periodically and agreed on with her having any final veteo power. 2. Child discipline; now this an area that I think she needs improving in as I have always felt that she tends to be inconsistent and allows the children to be to disrepectful of her. 3. The R between the 2 permanent board members needs improving. What once was a close R has been ignored and abused to the point of becoming non-existant. 4. Any other issues she deems necessary.
Im hoping that by looking at this from a slightly different perspective and by promoting some active involvement for both of us that maybe we can at least begin to attempt to repair what has been broken. I want to ease into this as Im concerned about moving to fast. But I dont see any changes occuring while we are both standing on the sidelines leading almost completely seperate lives.
I'll need to think about where Im gonna post next cuz I think the lock monster is coming soon, heh, heh.
Thats all for now except my S scored another goal at his game today. Yay! thats one every game so far. Go S!
Love and Blessings to you all! JIM
And Jilly, dont you worry I'll think of something,heh, heh. Pssssttt. And just between you and me wait till Bethie finds out what the secret handshake is, LOL!
But see, so what if there's more questions instead of answers? Don't examine deeply or try to figure out the why's of stuff. THAT really is bad DB. SBT - Solution Based Therapy. It's quick. It's not emotionally driven. It gets results. I read here someone else telling you to take your feelings out of this - that is some golden advice my friend. You have got to look at this as though it was happening to someone else instead of you.
On the DBing unawares - here's a slightly different spin on that thought. Ok, so you're not a jelous type. And she knows you've trusted her completely in this type of situation in the past. And you're not the type to trust like that.
soooooo....could this be somewhat a bonding to you type thing somehow in her mind? A safety/security thing? I'm just thinking how DTP has several times during this divorce done something mind bogglingly mean spirited/foolish and then tried to use those chances to get me to talk to him/try to get me back with him. Because that used to work in his mind at some level.
Combine that with her not wanting to be alone (but I think realizing it's a good skill to have and becoming more independent) - and I just wonder how much she's showing you her love in an "unconventional" manner. It's just a feeling I'm getting.
I suggest you don't try to form dialog (NO R TALK - except the bare basics and re: the D). ZIPIT! Continue to be loving and supportive and have interesting conversations about kids and weather and what's on the discovery channel - but don't play the home Oprah show game. That tends to go into more-of-the-same behavior.
Don't dwell on it. I think you're doing a pretty good job keeping yourself busy. Dwelling leads to our own old behavior that does not work and then to more of the same.
Then, there's just keep your heart out of it as much as possible. Really - It seems like that would be bad but it's really not.
I'm sorry to cut short at the moment. I want to get back to C2H and finish my chores for the nite. Have a good rest of the weekend and I'll check back in later - and hopefully clarify anything I've really boogered up here. Really, if this doesn't make sense - I'm sorry. It's been a long day . God bless you and your family!
Ok. I still want to try and open up some communication between us in the hope that it will lead to some positive discussion about our R eventually. But I will keep the talk to the financial and child side and eleminate the R aspect, unless she brings it up.
What do you think about me asking for my ring back? When my W first filed she started playing the dissapearing ring game. Not wearing it when I wasnt around and then putting it back on when I was. Her best buddy told her she should take it off. It used to drive me nuts. So one day when I was at the house I noticed them laying on a table and I left mine with hers. Stupid I know but I was very angry and upset about the whole thing. I of course dont expect her to wear her's and will say so but I would feel more comfortable with it on to help keep the "vultures away" so to speak.
Hey dont be sorry. I respect and desire your opinion. And I appreciate you taking the time to respond. THANK YOU!
Well our overnite trip for my D's school is coming up thursday. I hope it turns out to be a good one. Watching the kiddie's at the house for the next two days after work so I will be seeing her both evenings. And of course practice tuesday, lol. Ahhhh yes the happy and nothing is bothering me self confident daddy show. Thanks gang Ill do my best to put the emotions on hold. Gonna reread DR again too, I think I could use the refresher.
Definitely ask for your ring back. And wear it. And don't play games with it and try really hard to not pay attention to whatever games she may or may not play with hers.
For informational purposes - DTP used to play that crap with me. To be honest we both did. Finally one day he mushed his into a nice dessert I'd made him and I flung it in the back yard. A day later he combed the yard and didn't find it. I did (easily) and I still have it and he doesn't know. That was a long time ago.
Have fun and get rest and do well. I'll keep checking in when I can .
Ok yesterday STBX? W? left me a note asking if I could help with a couple bills. So I think Im gonna pick tonight to initiate my business plan. Not sure if Im gonna ask about the ring tonight or wait till I know for sure about the D.
As far as that is concerned I havent been re-served as of now, if thats whats gonna happen, and no date has been re-scheduled by anybody yet.
So........ I ponder. Why did L let me talk her out of the D, at least seemingly anyway. Either she still feels something and wants to see what happens.Or she wants to have her cake and eat it too, by keeping me on a leash in case she dosnt find a suitable replacement anytime soon and still be able to benefit financially. I sure hope she isnt being that shallow.Just been thinking to myself thats all.
Well back to work. Gotta build myself up for watching the soccerdad and mommy show tonight. I am curious as to where this "friendship" is gonna go in a strange clinical kind of way, lol. Its almost amusing. I have a hard time believing she would actually go that route but hey, you never know. Im sure gonna find out one way or the other. And Im curious as to when or if the other W is gonna start to take notice. She dosnt get to see the practice so Im sure its gonna take awhile and she wasnt at the game where all the "comradery" was going on. I sure hope it dosnt go any further, not just for my own sake, but for the sake of her and her family. That would really suck. No guys and gals Im fine for the most part really.
Thank you all. And if anybody else is making meatloaf would you save me some? Phoe's being mean, lol. Just kidding
Great job on DBing. I think it's great for you to watch your W and the soccer dad as if it were a TV show or something. Worrying, fretting, wringing your hands will get you nowhere. Fear will not help you in this case. By being brave and seeing past the surface, you are keeping a positive vision in your heart, and your W WILL notice it. Whatever happens, will happen. Deal with it then, but don't worry in the meantime.
Be generous. Help your W with the bills and do it unconditionally. It's a lot cheaper than D for YOU too. Don't overlook the huge step that your W has taken in not following through with the D. She may be biding her time waiting for a suitable replacement, in which case she will be waiting forever right, OR she knows what she has in you and she is waiting and gently working towards the moment that she can completely love you.
It's your time to give now, to carry your M for awhile. Give until it hurts brother. If things don't work out then you can walk away with a clear heart knowing you gave it all. If things do work out, then your W will remember your generosity and unconditional love and reward you for it.
Thats what I'm banking on!
God Bless our struggle.
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
. God bless you and your family! 
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