Are we there YET?

[Phoenix_spark]

Well since things have progressed off of square one. W is still in the house and seems to be warming up. I didn't feel like I belonged in Newcomers, so I made the move here. Perhaps I have held off on this move till I felt more confident.

I would not say that my DBing technique is great, but at least good enough to hold things together. Due to my nature I want to see direct results for that which I have done, therefore you will see me get frustrated here sometimes. Hopefully Zoo, BeingMe and Chrushed will find there way over here. I have appreciated their input on my sitch. Right now I am working hard at not latching on at the first sign of success. Trying to make her work for things.

Right now I am trying to decide what would be my best approach for Valentines Day. Don't quite think Hallmark is going to have something to cover my feelings. (Or at least what I should say). Most of the stuff I would have usually gotten for her would be considered pursuing. Jump in here DBers, all recommendations will be considered.

[crushedNJ]

Pheonix

Of course I tracked you down and I'm happy to be the first one that posts on your new thread. Good luck dear, take the advices given to BeingMe as ones directed to you as well since you know what kind of ride you're about to sign up for. I'm so very happy for you!

Now V day. Tell me more about your W. What things does she like to do when she is on her own? What are her hobbies? Do you recall anything that she might have talked about but never got around to that would be just for her? Also, when you do talk the R talk - what vibes is she sending? Is she really working on R or is that your assumption only (since she is still under the same roof with you)? What attempts has she made to actually invest in your R lately? Give me more boy cous I want to think long and hard. I have the hardest time buying gifts for my loved ones but I'm pretty good at offering ideas for total strangers that I was given info about. Weird eh?

[BeingMe]

Hi Phoenix. I think we both belong here, 'eh!?

Oh grief! Valentine's Day! I wonder if my H will do anything this year. We went out to dinner last year, and I got some flowers (I love flowers), and that was a month before the OW came on the scene. So much has happened since then, I feel like I live on another planet.

Perhaps you should give your W something that she can enjoy by herself - i.e. a day at the spa. In our happier days, that's what my H gave me for my 40th birthday, and I loved it. I felt so spoilt.

[Zoo]

Hey Phoenix

Let me say something here real quick...a LOT of Newcomers feel they don't belong in Piecing until they have reconciled...wrong answer Newcomers is for learning the basics...picking up DB/DR for the first time, setting goals, learning to GAL and to quit scurrying down cheeseless tunnels and dropping ropes. Piecing is to keep those things going...it is where the old-timers hang out and keep themselves motivated You flesh your basic skills out here and stay on track. If you reach reconcilliation you might stay around a little bit longer but you eventually leave...it is where you come back to when you fall off the wagon I think I came here right before H and I reconciled...I believe I felt at the time that there were more positives happening then negatives (plus it was suggested that I move ...lol).

ANyway...WELCOME!

Valentine's day...eeeeeewwww! I have a slight aversion to it now. On H and I's second V-day together he decided it was time we got married...we married 2 weeks later. Two years ago he started withdrawing on V'day and by our anniversary were barely talking. A week later he couldn't even look at me or be in the same room with me...a few more days and he dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb and it went to hell quickly afterwards Now, I get REALLY tense starting around V'day and it doesn't dissipate until the end of March (and we had a good V'day/anniversary last year...except for the whole RING debacle )

You are the best gauge of the mood your W would be in. If you want to give her a card then do so without being overly gushy about it. Try to keep things as simple as possible. LISTEN to what she says about the holiday if it comes up....does she sound wistful or irritable about it? Instead of a dozen Red roses would a bouquet of wildflowers be more suitable (women have differnet meanings for different flowers received...at least the women I know do). Would an addition to a collection be something she would accept now?

Like I said on another thread...if you are a "giver" by nature then you should fulfill that need in yourself but keep it simple and somewhat ambivilant in meaning and don't EXPECT or demand and gratitude in return. You are getting your pleasure from the act of giving and nothing more

Regards,
Zoo

[Phoenix_spark]

With todays' events, I don't know if she'll even get diner out. Problem with S12 lead to R. A comment she made kind of left me speachless. "You know how I feel, I guess that really doesn't matter, ....I guess I just have to suffer through the rest of my life". This was given in response to a comment I made suggesting we try to work on those things that cause contention in the house.

Essentially it's a matter of I'm trying not to bring up R, she just feels like she has to suffer through the rest of life and has no desire to make changes. So all I can see right now is her approach is either wear me down, or stay at miserable for the rest of our lives. I can not say enough how dissappointed I am in the way my wife is behaving. One of the things that attracted me to her in the beginning was the mature attitude and selfless manner in which she handled herself. Now I have to sit there and watch/listen to my in-law tell her how she is not acting her age AND THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE SITCH!

Well I've gotten it out of my system. I better turn in. Hope your weekends were better.

[Phoenix_spark]

Journalizing,

I'm still trying to figure out where I belong here. So far I think I'll stay with Piecing just because the group seems more positive and less "damage control". Right now I'm trying to figure out how to get us off of "comfortably numb". At this point this seems to be the wife's answer to how to deal with the sitch. She doesn't want to fix things, but she doesn't want to ruin other peoples lives.

I know DB wise I should be going dark, GAL, drop the rope, etc., but that would give the appearance of me wanting out of the R. This is exactly what she wants. She wants me to leave, that way she gets kids, house ... and I look like the bad guy. No one other than me, her and the OM and his wife know any better. She will get all the acholades of being a diligent mother, left with the kids, and of course I would look like I couldn't handle married life or fatherhood.

So how do I proceed. Up to this point I have just stayed diligent, tried to remain loving and keep up my end of the marriage. This however does not seem to make her too happy. However at this point I keep thinking, "tough", I owe this to me and the kids. I'm not going to let her drag me down.

Well if anyone has suggestions, don't be afraid to speak up. Just another day in paradise.

[Zoo]

Lol Phoenix...actually, damage control does get run here, just not with the same amoutn of oversealousness as elsewhere

You use the methods of db'ing that work for you. Not everyone has to go dark or resort to LRT etc. Personally, I think too many people are jumping into those particularly methods much too rapidly here lately. I think they are thumbing through the book looking for the quick fix and since they feel desperate (who doesn't when the bobm is first dropped?) they immediatley reach for more desperate measures. Keep it simple and easy and give things time...that is what I have learned

Have you read any of BillM's threads ? He was in a pretty hairy sitch for quite awhile (living with a W who was actively dating and doing everything she could think of to make him be the one to leave) and had an AMAZING turn around...his W even posted on the bb eventually with a message about WAW's. I believe his threads can be found in "Success" stories here in Piecing.

It is very important NOT to R talk...even when you have reconciled, at least in the beginning. You definitely don't want to do it when either one of you are feeling down or in a bad mood. It usually ends up going bad and is unproductive. If the R comes up in that type of sitch then WALK AWAY. Even though YOU want to talk about it badly or a comment is made you feel you just have to reply to...DON'T. Be polite about it...something like " what you are saying is a valid point/issue but I don't feel/think I can respond to it right now in a constructive manner. Perhaps we can talk about it later when I am in a more positive fram of mind and can give it all of my attention?" Then go run an errand or something.

HTH
Zoo

[Phoenix_spark]

{Zoo}
Can you tread a link so I can find BillM's story, I can't seem to find it.

Journalizing

I followed good form last night and walked away from some "issues" that I would have probably latched onto before. Atmoshpere was good, somewhat comfortable. However, trust is definately on shaky ground right now. I'm having a hard time trusting much of what she says.

[BeingMe]

I think you and I have to just accept that the trust issues are going to take awhile to resolve itself. Patience, patience!

I couldn't get hold of my H last night on his cellphone, and I just assume that he's talking to OW, but of course he wasn't. It's going to take quite a long time to get this stuff out of my head.

Hope the rest of your week goes well, Phoenix.

[Phoenix_spark]

Following good DB form I have just been letting things ride. Things I would have wanted to talk about before, I now just let it ride. R talks are pretty much to a minimum. Perhaps this could be one of my best 180s, however I just don't want to get lazy and cop out. Maybe I would feel better if she was more motivated to be pro-active instead of status quo (which she doesn't like).