BM just made me laugh for the first time today. BM, you do realize I get paid for the verbal spin! Sometimes, poundage helps. Those $4 words fleece my wallet...
Had a crappy day. Did the Dick Van Dyke thing at work. Marble floor, big wet spot. I was wearing 3" leather heel boots. Bam!
Then I get into work. No lines of communication with a frigging proposal. I about chewed out a project manager. But I held my tongue.
Get into the weekly business development/marketing meeting. Two hours of blah blah blah blah blah. A software nerd is one of our "leaders." Snooze.
I get cranking on my proposal. Nothing is going well. Run out to Subway. Order a turkey on whole wheat, hold the onion and jalapeno. I get a roast beef loaded with onion. Ok, so the stinky PM deserves to work on the proposal while I have bad breath. Karma has its way you know...
Dash out to the life coach. We talk more about the forgiveness thing. He's probably right. I may feel some residual "guilt" for chewing the ex an new a$$hole or two when I kicked him out AFTER we were divorced. I try to rationalize it... he was taking advantage of me and yet I saw another human being. Life coach tells me it'll take me time to process that and really get over it. We talk some more about the spiritual aspects of forgiveness and he is making some sense about me having to to realize that the relationship was a separate entity and that I need to understand I did the best I could. Damnit, even he figured it out...I'm such a damned perfectionist. He tells me I can't rationalize this and that I need to be patient with myself.
Oh well. Forward march. Working on the portfolio. Waiting on the last tax document to come in so I can get cracking (er, find someone I can afford to pay to do this) on my taxes.
Life is good. A big plate of penne pasta with pesto and grilled chicken awaits...
I cannot believe that you don't want a Hummer. I would love to have one....a BIG one. I have designs on a Hummer. I really want one bad. Other than a semi I don't think anything less would do for me.
You see, I have a dream....to drive a BIG HUMMER over a certain little red 2003 Chevrolet crew cab pickup truck and flatten it like a pancake.
Give you three guesses who drives said red pickup....and the first two guesses don't count!
But then, good reasoning sets in and I have to admit that it wouldn't be nice to the Hummer to have bits and pieces of the Old Skanky Harley Whore adhering to the underside and sides. That would be most disrespectful to the Hummer!
Gosh, I wish I could afford one. If I could, I would have one! BM can tell you that I salivate every time I see one. Oh well, I can dream..........
Hope you didn't hurt yourself in the Dick Van Dyke fall. Hope too that the snow goes away soon and you get some warmer weather. From the looks of things on the weather channel, I don't think any of us are going to see good weather any time soon.
Following the as yet unexplained 2/04 incident, I needed to read a lot about forgiveness. Of my husband mostly, but then came all the drama with daughter and eventually I realized that I needed to forgive them both and myself as well. Forgiving them has not been all that hard, but I find that I am always hardest on myself. I shoulda, coulda, woulda syndrome. Like Maya A. says...when I knew better, I did better. What will it feel, look like when you forgive yourself for your actions? I think that I should hold to my morals regardless of what he is doing. And many times I just did not do that. I remember a priest talking to the parish right before some big event. He said in his experience, women tended to confess more of their husbands sins than their own. That is, they will say, I lost my temper..after he did..a,b,c and blah blah blah. He said many spent much more time talking about their husbands shortcomings than their own. He asked us before confession to please confess only our sins. It was light hearted and very funny. But I know I laughed because I do that... yes, I neglected him to hang out on line (years ago), but only after he....fill in the blank.
Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
And I bet ya looked damn sexy in those boots right before you fell.
Hope you are feeling okay after the fall.
Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark—hopeless. (Byron Katie)
That would be disrespecting a HumVee. But then again, they were developed for war time use
My dream car: a Lotus or a Lamborghini. Sleek, sexy, black, and a kick a$$ Euro engine. (BM, I don't need any comments on that.) I about peed my pants at the end of summer. There before my eyes was a Lambo Testorone (however you spell it). I was drooling. I even have an HO scale model to remind me every now and again.
A dream of mine: drive the Autobahn. In a Lambo. Doing minimum 150mph. Forget about NASCAR and Indy. Gimme the ability to use my leadfoot freely. If I can buy one and drive it here in Ohio, just maybe... my ex will never hear me or see me coming. Total stealth mode. Hee hee.
Hey...now there's a goal. I'm going to increase my income by 200% so I can at least afford the payments on a Lambo long enough to go stealth...
Quote: What will it feel, look like when you forgive yourself for your actions?
Wish I knew. All I know is I'm still somewhere in that process I think. But I do feel about 2 tons lighter than I have in the past four or five years.
What is it with Catholics and this "forgive me father I have sinned, I was so rotten my spouse cheated on me and I got angry about it" crap? I never understood that. But then again, I'm a bad Catholic.
Well, I hung my ex out to dry. He's somewhere out there, still flapping in the wind. Maybe my hangup about that is he's using good clothespins. Dunno. I do know I struggled with the idea that he was a human being and deserved help. But I knew I could not do a darn thing about what he was doing to himself and his decisions. He didn't view walking, cheating, drugs, probably having risky, unprotected sex with strangers and other behaviors as harm or potential to himself let alone harm to anyone else.
I kind of have taken on a twist since having a few long discussion about this with a friend. "Do no harm." Or at least, attempt to minimize the harm as best you can. Owe that friend for that concept. Never got my head around this stuff quite as well as I had after those convos.
The forgiveness thing I think is for me to go back to the relationship and realize and understand I did the best I could with my abilities, understanding, and limits. The things that do make one go hmmmmmm after a long night getting a proposal together. Waiting on uploads and I'm gonna treat myself to a short night of zzzzzzz.
Oh...I was wearing dress slacks with those boots. Darn it. I could've given some project manager a flash or two in that fall and have had a laugh out of it. Oh well.
I don't know a thing about the Catholic reasons for forgiveness. However, being a "good back row" Southern Baptist, I have a couple of reasons for strongly believing in forgiveness.
I agree with whoever it was that first said, "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." Forgiving someone for harm done to you really is a gift to yourself. By forgiving that person, you free yourself from feelings of anger, hate, discontent, etc. You release those emotions out into the ozone and get them out of your mind and body.
Hanging onto the anger or the hate or the discontent simply isn't healty. You don't do yourself any favors by hanging onto an unhealthy practice be it unforgiveness, smoking, overeating, drunkeness, drug usage, whatever. It leaves its mark on your emotions and even on your physical appearance.
Unforgiveness shows in your face as unhappiness. It is most unattractive and an unforgiving nature also has a tendency to make you say things that really are best left unsaid. Constant harping on whatever it was that caused the unforgiveness makes others not really want to be around you. Who wants to be around someone who constantly complains, bitches, moans and groans about the wrongs the world has perpetrated upon them? Not me.
And, for me, my Church teaches that if you don't forgive others their "tresspasses," forgiveness will not be extended to you by others or by God Himself. Not only that, if you possess the spirit or harbor the spirit of unforgiveness in your heart, your prayers are ineffective because God will not hear your prayers.
The way I look at it, I don't want to a person no one else wants to be around and I do want my prayers heard...if not for me, for those I love and care about and pray for. I think it would kill me to know that someone desperately in need of prayer would not benefit from my prayers especially if I was the only one praying for that person.
Right now, I think I can safely say that besides me there might be one, hmmmm, maybe two other persons praying for my ex. As for the Old Harley Whore, I cannot think of anyone, family or friend (?) who thinks enough of her to pray for her. I try, but must admit that whatever prayers uttered by me in her behalf are extremely short and very, very infrequent. I should do better. Who knows what the result might be? One day she might see the light and straighten out her life. I hope, for her, that she does.
It is harder, I think, to forgive myself for my part in the downfall of my marriage than it is to forgive the ex. Neither of us protected our marriage by prayer and because we didn't, the devil walked right into the middle of it and destruction reigned. Even if he didn't pray to protect the marriage, I should have. The sad fact of the matter is, at the time, I didn't know I needed to pray for a healthy marriage to continue to be a healthy and happy marriage. I know it now, but it is a day late, a dollar short and is about as effective as closing the barn door once the horses have gotten out. I wonder why it is that our churches do not teach us to pray a hedge of protection around our marriages and our families?
I don't like the Old Harley Whore...actually can't stand the woman. But in some ways, it has been easier for me to forgive her than it was to forgive him. She is an ignorant, uneducated woman who has had a hard, hard life. I'm not defending her life choices, which for the most part, have been about the worst choices she or any other woman could possibly have made. But knowing what I do know about her, I understand her desperation to get what she saw as a "better" lifestyle for herself. I don't agree with what she did, not at all, but the woman is so desperate for someone to "love" her and take care of her that she is willing to do whatever it takes and put up with whatever it takes to have the illusion of someone "loving" her. It is extremely pathetic and there are times I admit that I pity her. I still don't like her, but she is a very desperate and pitful person and I thank the Lord I am not walking in her shoes.
While proofing my post I realized that some of you might not know what a "good back row" Southern Baptist is....well, it is best explained by saying when you go to church as infrequently as I have been in the past years, you make sure you sit on the back row just in case the roof falls in from the sheer shock that your presence graced the church house doors!!!
WOW BK2, I love what you said here and it is so true. My XH's current GF did not break up our M but I've told many people how sorry I feel for her. She makes minimum wage, has 3 kids, gets no help financially or in any other way from her XH. She's with my XH because he can help her financially. I like where I'm at a lot better than where either of them are. Actually the trash that did break up my M is also forgiven by me as she was also looking for a free lunch. I'm "still" working on forgiving XH, but I'm getting there. Everything you said about forgiveness is so true. At one time my hatred for XH was literally eating me alive. I'm happier every day since I started letting it go.
B2K, what a lot of thought you put into this. Thanks.
I was being somewhat sarcastic about the idea of confession in the Catholic church than I was the reasons for forgiveness. I don't believe it necessary to kneel in a dark box and do a prescribe penance by a priest in order to obtain forgiveness. I truly believe that if we allow ourselves to go on with our lives and taking that lesson from what we need to learn, and accepting what's happened, we will be forgiven. That doesn't mean we callously neglect the hurt or pain we've caused others, but we do need to remember to love others as we love ourselves.
That said, yes, your ideas of forgiveness are much along the lines of mine. As for back row Baptists, I think all churches have 'em. Ever go to a Sunday Catholic Mass, especially the last one of the day? Many people wait until 10 minutes into the service to go in and they duck out during communion.
You know, I'm not really angry at my ex. I don't really think about him all that much any longer. I do feel that if we were to see each other that it wouldn't be friendly however. He is pretty miserable himself. As for his OW, she's confused and is such an attention eater. She thinks she's the Lord's gift to the world. Drama queen, drug addict, internet whore. Unfortunately, this woman is educated. She's a nurse, but somehow I wonder if she can practice--the drug felonies must have either suspended her license or limited her ability to practice. I do know through the ex she came from an abusive background. I believe he meant physically abusive.
When my ex was going through one of his suicidal spells, he mentioned something about the abuse in her background. I remember having this reaction: "You idiot. Here I am, YOUR WIFE (we were just separated then), and you're telling ME how sorry YOU feel for a whore you shop around?"
But distance gives me a perspective. I think he related to her because of some abuse in his background possibly. A mutual pity party. And this woman is a scorpion when she gets any attention and becomes very controlling. A few conversations I'd had with her were like talking in circles. All conversations were basically about her. A conversation I'd had with her not long after the suicide stunt I mentioned had her denying somethings she'd done to trigger my ex's suicide stunt. She'd broken into his apartment while we were both gone to take one of the kids to a college visit in Indiana. She hacked his computer, busted up some stuff, and I guess really laid it on him about being "unfaithful" to her. I do have to laugh at that thought! She was shacking up with a married man, she was married, and my ex shopped her around over the internet doing couple swaps and porn stuff! Ha!
But in this conversation, she kept insisting that her H did the break-in and that he did it out of jealousy, that basically she was such a prize that... well, you can probably fill in the blanks. It's all a scene out of any X-rated soap opera.
The thing is, I felt such a negativity in my ex's presence for a long time. I do think it had to do with this woman being in his life. His personality had changed. Mr. Meek and Mild Mannered turned into a monster at home. Angry. Sullen. Always barking at me or the kids. Always blaming me or one of the kids for things we really had nothing to do with--a broken faucet, a flat tire, that sort of thing. I think in hindsight, that's why I traveled so much and worked so much during that time. I HAD to get away from him. I sometimes wonder that had I been more aware and available, I may have found something to work with with him--not to save the M but to help him. Last I saw him, he was looking mighty gaunt. And he plays such head games with the kids whenever they do talk or visit.
Occasionally, I'll have a dream about him. It doesn't frighten me, but I see him and he is skin and bones, dirt poor, ragged, and barefoot. No car, it's repo'd. No real place to live.
Now, this probably isn't true. But I do know that he's still dodging creditors because others have gotten his mail as well. I was getting it for a long time--repo notices for his car, complaints from Visa and Mastercard about lack of payment, and IRS notices for him.
I had a hard time letting fall on his arse when I kicked him out of here. I shouldn't have perhaps--since he DID walk from a well-paying job, let his life get sucked up into a drug/orgy culture, and maintained how much I "persecuted" him because I didn't keep my mouth shut about it.
I too don't want to be a person no one wishes to be around. I pray in my own way... and I meditate often. But there seems to be this "disconnect" in my head. I have "accepted" this situation--it exists, it is what it is, and it's all been long a done deal. I know in my heart of hearts, I cannot love this man as a spouse. Like you wrote about on your thread, that to me is a huge loss. We were at one time very good friends as well as lovers, spouses, parents. I just don't know how to settle all of this in my mind at times.
The conversations I'd had about "do no harm" were probably some of the most interesting ones I'd ever had. I've always had somewhat of a fascination with Eastern philosophies, and detachment and acceptance are big components of what is taught by the Dalai Lama. Along the way, I'd come across ideas that pertain to the use of positive energy that we have--to focus on the glass as half full so to speak because our minds cannot relate well to loss when we focus on it too much. So maybe somewhere deep inside this pea-picking twisted little brain I have, I am still processing that idea. And man was there a lot of loss in my life over a brief few years--friends to death, a marriage, the empty nest stuff, a home, a significant influence on my life in my ex, and the structure of my life as I once knew it. And yes, my life isn't "empty" in that I have many good things in it--my kids, a great career, some wonderful friends and family, that sort of thing. But yet, there's still a hole there. It doesn't feel like a "wound" any longer, there's really no "weight" associated to it--I don't feel burdened or as if I am suffering because of it. But there's an emptiness there that I just haven't been able to address yet.
And more ideas that I keep kicking in my head that all relate back to my life coach and his ideas about that I haven't totally forgiven myself and the "do no harm conversations" are that I've never really felt like a "victim." I always believed I was a player in that situation with my ex. The dynamic got sick and twisted pretty quickly. I wondered sometimes whether I'd enabled what ailed him--depression, addictions, loneliness, whatever. Maybe I saw something in him that really frightened me and I just ignored it? Don't know. It's really a mindbender for me to figure out. I don't think I'll really fill that "hole" until I do figure it out and am able to go back in my head to the relationship and say to myself "ah ha! There really was nothing I could have done, that I did the best I could given my abilities and limits, and this all did happen for a reason, my life now can really move forward." Not that my life isn't moving forward, it is in a number of ways. But I really do have a hard time to this day confiding in others due to what's happened with life with a psycho spouse! I sometimes wonder what people think when they hear this story... "how blind WERE you?" "What did YOU do to provoke him to be so angry?" Having come from the background I did with my mom, who is a "by the books Catholic," I hear much judgement in her statements and questions about this. And based on what I experienced with my ex's headgames, I think I expect things to happen in a predetermined way based on my mom's and my ex's reactions to my past experiences and statements. My mom has a strange way of talking about my divorce "it's a shame you don't see him, it's a shame this, it's a shame that... you know you can't remarry...yada yada yada..." And my ex had a really narcissitic way of putting blame for whatever happened during the years our marriage was crumbling on to me "what did you do to have a flat tire?" sort of mentality. 'Scuse me, all I did was drive the car LOL!
In some way, I am probably finally getting to the point where I'm putting all of this to some sort of conclusion in my head. It's been a hellacioiusly strange four or five years I've had. Maybe my unconscious mind is finally settling all of this crap once and for all? What has happened is all fact now. But I seem to still carry something from it, even though it's really not affecting my everyday life--I still work, I still have fun, I still do a lot of the stuff I normally do with my normal energy and am usually in a good mood (well, unless I'm grumpy due to a lack of sleep). I thought perhaps I was going through some depression at first, but none of the signs are really there. I'm eating, sleeping well, keeping my normal routine and activities, and feel as if I have my normal energy levels. Something else is happening on a completely different level maybe? This whole forgiveness thing has been blowing my mind in some strange ways! I do feel as though something good will come of it...but like childbirth I guess there's some pain involved in all of it.
I don't know if any of this makes sense. And I'm rambling! I haven't had much sleep last few days due to the proposal I had to get out on the street for work.
He tells me I can't rationalize this and that I need to be patient with myself.
