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A Message from Michele
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Continuing Chronicles: Morphing into Red Hot Momma #353735
09/24/04 03:56 PM
09/24/04 03:56 PM
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,914
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debcb Offline OP
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debcb  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2003
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I should have started a thread sooner, it snuck up on me and I got locked out. So, here's the link to my last thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=764597&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1

As always, my fingers are crossed that will work!

Just a tad bit of updating, though, I am beginning to let myself believe OW is fading into the sunset. Last night when I got home, H was still giving me warm hugs, and he initiated ML for the 3rd night in a row ; he seems so happy and excited now when he does that, I have no doubt that he's interested, it's not just going thru the motions to make me happy, which at one time I worried about.

this morning, he gave me more nice warm hugs, brought me coffee, and when I told him I loved being with him, he said "that's a very good thing"; I asked why, and he said "because it looks like you're stuck with me"...he also said his weekend stomach upsets are starting to get better, he thinks because "getting this "thing" settled helped".

I take all of these as indicators that yes, it finally is over, and is almost if not totally "history". Soon, I expect to be able to exhale!


been around awhile!
Re: Continuing Chronicles: Morphing into Red Hot Momma #353736
09/24/04 07:31 PM
09/24/04 07:31 PM
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,375
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Nevanna Offline
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Nevanna  Offline
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#1?


[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]
Re: Continuing Chronicles: Morphing into Red Hot Momma #353737
09/25/04 03:25 AM
09/25/04 03:25 AM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 342
Florida
PunkinsMom Offline
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PunkinsMom  Offline
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Posts: 342
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Hi Deb! Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad that I helped you through that horrible period. As I said back then, I remembered how torn up and raw I felt in the beginning, and no "old timers" would post to my thread..not saying that I didn't make some GREAT newbie friends that I went through my ordeal with, (and still keep in touch with today)...I was so desperate to hear anything from someone who had been through it with success.. you sounded so much like me and your sitch was SO similar...well...we laughed about how our H's could have been long lost twins..lol.. I rarely post any more, but I could really "feel your pain"..lol. I'm glad my instinct to "jump back in" was correct.

As for my guys, they are doing great. My little guy is pretty much over his mono, but still has some "tired" days. His Ped said it could affect him for up to 8 months!

The hurricanes have been a nightmare. We have to replace our roof, and lost our privacy fence, and ended up with someones patio furniture in our pool (lol!..freebies ) and were without power after Frances for 5 horrid days (after the "rainy gray" passed, it was back to that good ole Florida 90 degree humid weather) and we were miserable. Thank God we had the pool so we could flush toilets!! lol. Unfortunately, we are right in the path for Jeanne. So..we repacked our hurricane kit tonight and we are ready for round 4. Gotta love it..lol. Actually, I can honestly say that when the lights went out, we actually spent some really fun hours playing cards, and talking. But when the winds picked up to over 70mph and the roof started comming off, it got pretty hairy.. H was very much in control. I felt safe. Thank you for thinking of me.

Quote:

"because it looks like you're stuck with me"...




my H said this very same quote a lot too. Isn't it nice to hear? In my opinion, this is where your hard work starts. You MUST forgive him for OW. Meaning, it's ok to discuss it if he brings it up and opens up the floor for questions. My h did..said "ask any thing you want..we'll sit here all night if we have to." And I did. I asked every single question I could think of..and at that point (maybe a month from where you are now) I DID want to know all the gory details...NOT what the may have DONE to or with each other (I'm not THAT much of a glutton for punishment) ...but what it was ABOUT it, that was better, different, than what we had had. (I hope that makes sense). And then I dropped it. He has mentioned it again, and still does to this day. He will say "I will NEVER do that to you again. What a mess I caused". But I don't talk about HER anymore ever. I have to say, the first anniverisary of the "bomb" after we were doing ok, I had a bad week...too many memories popping up. But..I just had to tell myself to suck it up, and thinking about HER, only made her win..because I was STILL allowing her to screw up my marriage.

I am so proud of you! Enjoy your success. Trust me, at some point you will stop analyzing every little move he makes (looking for baby steps) and your life will lose that "surreal" feeling. (FINALLY!!) I'll keep checking on you.

Take Care you Red Hot Momma!!!



Bomb Nov 01
PA w/OW (lied for 10 yrs)
Dumped OW/back home Nov 02
I became WAS:Feb 05
Reconciled:Oct 06
Current:Going strong, Still using DB techniques to KEEP it that way 10 years later!
Re: Continuing Chronicles: Morphing into Red Hot M #353738
09/27/04 01:37 PM
09/27/04 01:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,199
New York
O
ObiWan Offline
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New York
Quote:

I am so anxious no matter how hard I try. I havent heard much at all today from H via email, and what I did get was very matter of fact and businesslike. I am always terrified it means he & OW are firing up again.



Quote:

Has anyone else who managed to rebuild their marriage after an affair experienced this cycle of anger -- grief--anger--grief...(the WAH's, that is) over and over? HOW do you handle this?????




I dont know, but it seems like the crux of your problem these days. He doesnt want you to revert into someone who's constantly checking up on him and worrying that he's straying - but you scare me when you post about doing just that. It might be time for some professional help to get past the remains of the A. It's not something to be taken lightly. It can come back to hit you again years later if not dealt with. This is one of the key things that killed my M.

Hang in there.


Bill. "you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant Link To CURRENT Sitch
Re: Continuing Chronicles: Morphing into Red Hot Momma #353739
09/27/04 06:39 PM
09/27/04 06:39 PM
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 374
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41dk Offline
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Aha! I found you. Don't scare me like that again.

Everything sounds great. I am so happy for you. And I think that you are stuck with him! Yeah!

Dawn

Re: Continuing Chronicles: Morphing into Red Hot Momma #353740
09/27/04 08:04 PM
09/27/04 08:04 PM
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,914
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debcb Offline OP
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debcb  Offline OP
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Hi Punkinsmom! I'm glad you guys are making it through the storms ok, hope Jeanne misses you! hurricanes sound much more frightening to me than tornados.

I hate to think where things might be for us if you hadnt taken me by the hand--and met me with a 2x4 a time or 2! LOL! I needed guidance so badly, and you and Bill and Dawn came through like angels!

I know the hard stuff starts now. I feel like I've forgiven him, certainly not forgotten but forgiven, because of all the soul-searching I've done to understand how we got to the point of the A....seeing it as not all one sided helps to get to the point of forgiveness, I think.

It seems to be getting easier as a few more weeks go by, thank heavens. The more he's home on Saturdays, etc., the easier it gets, and the more confident I feel that it truely is over. I am not asking much about it any more, and he's not talking about it as much. but when the issue does come up, it's not nearly as emotionally charged, just pretty matter of fact. I feel H detaching from her more and more emotionally.

I must keep my focus on building up the "good stuff", so we can have such a great M and life together that there's no worry about an A. I need to look into some of the other materials here, I think.

Any way, I am eternally grateful for your insight in those dark, frantic, right-after-the-bomb days.


been around awhile!
Re: Continuing Chronicles: Morphing into Red Hot M #353741
09/27/04 08:11 PM
09/27/04 08:11 PM
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,914
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debcb Offline OP
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debcb  Offline OP
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Hi Bill, it's good to hear from you, I kind of lost you, I gotta get over and catch up on your sitch.

I know you are so right about being able to forgive, let go and move on being a "make it or break" thing....I think I made quite a bit of progress even since last week in this regard, but if I feel like I'm getting "stuck" as far as being able to do that, I will get some help.

I've not been nearly as anxious today about him being in contact with her...partly because of my intuition telling me it's safe to breathe again, that it is over. BUT, I'm sure there will be some anxious times still....when he does have to work on a Saturday, I'm sure I will struggle mightily. but he is slowly getting to the point of offering me reassurance, and I'm slowly letting myself accept what he offers, so that is "baby stepping" in the right direction, I believe.


been around awhile!
Re: Continuing Chronicles: Morphing into Red Hot Momma #353742
09/27/04 08:15 PM
09/27/04 08:15 PM
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,914
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debcb Offline OP
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Hey Dawn! I'm glad you didn't lose me!!!!!! I still dont' know what I'd do with out you!!!!!!

I wish we all lived closer, I'd throw a party just for the fun of it! guess I'm in more of a celebrating mood these days.


been around awhile!
Re: Continuing Chronicles: Morphing into Red Hot Momma #353743
09/27/04 08:59 PM
09/27/04 08:59 PM
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,914
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debcb Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2003
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Thought I'd update the weekend, some kind of neat things happened. H is much nicer and more attentive than I think he ever has been.

Friday afternoon, he initiated ML, and again Saturday morning....he's also hornier than he has been in a long time, pretty amazing for an "old guy" of 49 ; We were talking about all we've learned from our recent experiences, and H commented that "I guess maybe you have to be married 25 years to really fall in love"...He said he had prayed to be able to discern the truth, and that eventually it had become clearer and clearer to him. Said one of OW's famous quotes is "you better get a fire-proof suit if you want to be with me, because I'm bound for Hell". Interesting. H said he knew from the type of personality disorder she has that he would have to let her be the one to end it, or she would never leave him alone, and that's why it took so long ( I know there was a big emotional attachment on his part as well). Friday night S was at a friends, and we watched tv for a while; H held my hand, squeezed it, and fiddled with my wedding ring, smiled at me, and was just so sweet. Topic of OW came up on Saturday, and H just seemed so emotionally detached from her, I could hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. He said his stomach is not as upset anymore, and he thinks "getting this thing settled" is a big part of that. I asked him if he was feeling better emotionally and he said "yes, I am" and actually sounded pretty happy. I asked him if she still called him at lunch, and he said "no"; I asked if she still emails, and he said "no" that he hadnt heard from her at all. I believed him because he seemed so unemotional about it, if that makes sense.

We went to my brothers for my 50th (yikes!) bday party on Saturday afternoon, stayed all night there....it was fun, only 1 old bf came, H made a comment about him being a "blow hard"....I just validated , said he could be sometimes....but H seemed to have fun. My parents were there, my mom took me aside and told me H "seems so much happier!" and was emphatic that she saw a big difference in him. She also said my new hairdo made me look 15 years younger (now, of course, this is my mother speaking) but that was good to hear the day I turned 1/2 century old! My brother even commented that he really liked my hair, and he's a harder sell than my mom.

Sunday afternoon at home, I was getting something out from under the kitchen sink, and H patted my behind, real timidly. way back when, "Old Deb" probably would have gotten aggravated at him; new Deb turned around, put her arms around him, and enjoyed a great big smooch. It's so much a matter of how you look at things, I've come to realize. Later, I was dusting a lampshade in the living room, and he came up behind me and kissed the back of my neck! I love this stuff! and it's so amazing to me, he never ever did stuff like this before. I hope I can figure out how to get him to do MORE of it (goal setting project here?)

Today, I had to go to a meeting in H's little home town...now this is weird....but some guys whistled at me! it's been a long time since that happened. I thought at first it was my brother in-law, but when I glanced that way, it was actually 2 guys I never saw before.

I also saw OW at work today, she was coming through a doorway in a hall going one way as I was going the other. I just looked at her and kept walking....she said "excuse me"...at least we both fit through the door frame at the same time! I have to say, the woman doesnt look real well to me...she looks like she's been spending a lot of time crying. I still don't feel any sympathy. Don't feel a lot of anger, more like pity and disgust, but not even much of that, it's kind of like she's not worth the effort of any strong feelings. weird.


been around awhile!
Re: Continuing Chronicles: Morphing into Red Hot Momma #353744
09/27/04 10:53 PM
09/27/04 10:53 PM
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 374
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41dk Offline
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41dk  Offline
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Posts: 374
Hey Red Hot-

So glad to hear the JOY in your post! I just know that it is shining through and your H sees it! I am happy....and so jealous of all the touching and ILYs. I'll try to keep plugging away and hope that they will come. If I get discouraged I will simply think of you.

Thank you so much for mentioning me in such a nice way in your post. It really made my day. (You'd think my LL was WOA!)

As for the party....I'd be there with bells on!

Dawn

Oh, and BTW happy birthday and congrats on the new do. Keep doing those kind of things for yourself.

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