I guess now is as good a time as any to begin my thread. I don't think I will even try to keep it condensed. This just seems like a good way to offload a whole bunch of what has been crammed up in my head. And now with having a cold there seems to be even less room to fit the cauldron of interpersonal turmoil that is boiling away in my cranium. So anyway, time to release my personal pressure cooker and hopefully feel slightly better in doing so.
I met my wife on Nov 20, 2000 in a Bon-Ton Dept. store. It just so happened that a good friend of mine also worked in the Men's Dept there. So in the process of paying him a brief visit he pointed out several of his female co-workers who might make good prospective dating candidates for me. Of those he mentioned, only one did I wind up approaching and talking to. For me to be approaching and striking up conversation with really anyone and especially a female was rather uncharacteristic for me. What truly stands out above all else from that first encounter with the beautiful woman I would go on to marry, was her cheerfulness, her smile and how she seemed to immediately take comfort in being around me. The comfort level manifested itself in her placing her hand on my shoulder and my arm. This was kind of an element which normally would make me uneasy but I found it to be a pleasant surprise. So, the non-verbal indicators were very good and as for her verbal input, it had a slightly wierd twist to it. Her first remark to me was to ask if I was any relation to the W@#*^ family. I told her they were unknown to me and she informed me that I bore a striking resemblance to the man she calls 'dad' (actually her stepfather), and that was his surname. Our conversation during that first encounter although not a great length of time formed a definite connection between us. She was eager to further that connection evidenced by her offering to meet me at a cafe perhaps that evening once she finished her shift around 8:00. She provided me with a contact #. I on the other hand was still in disbelief that I had just approached and even talked to this attractive blond & available female that it didn't occur to me to give her my #. It wouldn't have surprised me if she had to ask her co-worker (my friend) for both my name and number. Though my words in the exchange were few, I think I did manage to say 'hi I am !@#'. So that was day one in what would become a winding tumultuous path for the two of us friends, counterparts and lovers.
More to soon follow . . . (maybe some of substance)
Hello to the board community (from a Man in need):
I had just wrapped up my crystal clear recall of the very first moment I set eyes on the woman I would be joined with for a lifetime.
For both her & I it is an understatement to say that we have had to deal with a whole lotta crap since that first encounter. Obviously some of it has been self created and other parts of it have not. Fate (for those who subscribe to it)can place in your lap apparent joys as well as apparent sorrows.
Myself and my mate were beset by terrible news only 4 months into our engagement and just a couple months prior to our wedding day. That news was that she might very well have a tumor in the area of her brain stem. Not that there is any great way to receive news of that magnitude, but to have it delivered to you in an office visit would have been surely preferable to hearing it over the phone as she did.
Needless to say our lives were turned upside down. It hurts me now and causes me to quiver a little to think of this. That was nearly 6 years ago and it is to this day a weight that our marriage (and each of us individually)has had to endure. The two of us have counted our blessings that from that day until now her physiological health has not been impacted in any way. I certainly hope those same blessings from GOD on high continue just the same.
Suffice it to say that our marriage, like most, has had its continuous tests for resiliency. Sometimes we fared better on those tests than other times. And as is evidenced by a helpful and well utilized Board such as this one, certain times in life require outside assistance from others and hopefully from trained professionals as well. With this devastating news happening during our engagement the two of us thought it wise to seek out the help of an LSW counselor for help with the multitude of issues staring us in the face.
My then fiance had a 13 yr old daughter who's emotional state and well being would need to be closely monitored during this unfolding crisis. This was of course my fiance's first priority rather than herself. Secondly, as tough as a person as she is on the outside, my fiance's widely ranging emotions could not be contained. A third reason for the counseling sessions(and more peripheral and lesser)was what this discovery would mean in terms of our marriage plans and just what part I would play in her life from this point on.
Not that many wedding engagements don't have plenty of twists and turns to them which shake the core on some level but ours had a uniqueness to it that I am glad many other people do not have to face. I found myself being questioned by my fiance about if I would want to stay with her given the circumstances and why I would do that to myself. More than 5 years later I would still answer affirmatively to that question and I have never regretted it. Even as I sit here now having to wait day in and day out for divorce papers she claims she has filed, if we could magically move backwards in time(with the knowlege of our present life) I surely would not have chosen to bow out of the chance to marry the person that I Love more than any other. I may not be sure of too many things right now, but of that I am sure.
Another thing that I can say that I am sure of is that as of today (and we are supposed to be living for just this 1)I am still a married man. I am even a happily married man at certain moments. As I survey my perspective on the present state of my marriage, I see myself doing the things that I need to be doing to allow for the best possible outcome to our marital mess. In casting my view on my wife I see her scrambling to survive and to her that would seem to include discarding her marriage because she see's no way to experience anything other than pain that she attributes to the marriage.
Jesus reigns supreme. Despair will not come over me.
I am having to rally hard to turn back the despair right now and will be bowing down before my Lord shortly for some reinforcement.
It just seems with each weekend that rolls along the I am being marched one step closer to a rotten despicable divorce. Maybe this would be easier for me to take (or maybe not) if the love that i feel for two precious women was not soon going to abruptly and drastically change. While my wife and I were never blessed with having any children (she has a 19 yr old D), we (and almost without question to a greater extent myself) have gotten deeply involved in the life of a terribly neglected "throwaway child" who has spent the bulk of her life in and out of foster homes. This child has taken my life to a level that I would never have that possible in the 1.5 years I have been active in her life. Tears of joy routinely well up if not just flow freely from my eyes when I spend any length of time considering the moments that she and I have been able to share most notably within the last couple of months. When my wife and I struggled to conceive a child of our own of course the subject of how I might feel about adoption would invariably arise. For quite a while my initial view was at best luke warm with regard to adoption. But that all changed when this truly amazing gift of a daughter descended into my life. Now sure I realize that like all relationships there is the initial "honeymoon stage" that just about all of us are aware of. I am not of the belief that she has no flaws and that as a teenager she won't be a handful to parent(especially with the tapestry of issues that she will forever have resulting from a long history of her real parents atrocious physical, mental sexual abuse and trauma). I can only say that she feels as though she is nothing less than my very own daughter and the love I have for her grows by the day whether with her or not.
The heartbreaking part of all of this is that this child has for the 1.5 years that we have been involved in her life, with the passage of time, she has felt one step closer to joining our family. She has suffered nothing but abandonment all her life and I am sure was seeing my wife and I as a family and a home that would not be a mirage. And a mirage we certainly seem to be in my mind. The pain I am experiencing is tortorous to me but I am very sure that it is not even a tiny fraction of the pain that this child has had to endure through her young life.
So the relationship between my W & I appears to be forever changed for the worse and just what is in store for the blossoming father/daughter relationship which I have aparently been foolishly developing is a huge question mark.
Time to say my prayers and head of to bed and hope that something positive comes tomorrow.
May the Holy Spirit immerse you and those you love.
Just a quick capsule of how my weekend unfolded. I had some in person contact with WAW this weekend and that was just resulting from my dropping off the foster child which we have been sponsoring/surrogate parenting, and probably more to the point, further screwing up the life of. One sure sign that seems partly indicative of this is the terrible news that I received two nights ago. As I was readying to spend a great weekend with my ?quasi- daughter? (for lack of a better term)I received word that this girl had slid back to self harming behaviors of cutting herself which she had been free of for about 4-5 months. For me to presume that I can pinpoint what caused her to self harm again is perhaps not good(given that there are so many variables in the life a teenager) but suffice it to say that chief among those variables is her witnessing the rapidly eroding relationship between myself and my W. It makes me feel terrible for what we are doing to this already deeply wounded child to not be able to not be able to convince my wife in any way to stay in this marriage til we get it right.
As a result of the incident of this teenager cutting/scratching herself Friday, she politely requested that we reschedule this weekend's visit with me so that she could have "girl" time with my wife. I understood this entirely and let her know that I would pick her up as planned (fm the therapeutic foster hm she's at) and I would drive her to my W's place as she wished. Upon arriving there Sat PM we did the brief phony family harmony routine that has become customary but always concludes with this sweet darling child seeing either myself or W go on our merry way and disappear for the remainder of the weekend with some sorry ass pitiful excuse given. My W is the one more heavily addicted to the cool-aid than moi and for quite a while believed we were fooling this vulnerable child.
As a friend of mine mentioned to me "a lot of men are dreamers and are caught in fantasy land" with regard to being rather ignorant to the real state of our marriages. So I guess I am just aS MUCH OF A DRINKER OF THE COOL-AID
Who the heck knows? And I kinda would like for someone to take a glance @ my sitch and offer some kind words or any at all as I am feeling lonely and could sure use a boost.
Please respond if you are able to take the time to read my F . .'d up mess of a present life.
Thx in advance. May the Lord lead you, bless you and keep you well!
Gotta go walk the dog 1 last time and take care of other misc promises to self.
Another fine morning (half-hearted attempt @ a PMA):
I have always believed that without sarcasm I would fall away as dust. Maybe that is one of the things she can't stand about me?
Since I have received no responses or feedback from any of ya, guess your all either to baffled at how much of a knuckleheaded donkey I am as evidenced by the dung heap I find myself floundering in. Or maybe more to the point, I have not been too much to the point on what I would like anyone to make a comment/suggestion about.
So, I will back away from the self effacing angle and believe it was because of the latter reason of not offering something direct for anyone to provide input on.
Some questions that are windmilling around in my head are:
1. Is anyone familiar (as I have had to become) with attachment disorder linked to pre-adolescent traumatic experiences/PTSD?
2. Can anyone offer some help on how I gently but firmly have my W be accountable for and follow through with her promise to notify the CHildren & Youth Svcs that because of her insistence on a D we need to retract ourselves as candidates to foster or adopt the sweetest child I have ever met? (this is a catch 22 cuz I don't wish to speed my W towards divorce but the child must finally be put 1st!)
On that note, I will toss these Q's out there and hope 4 at least a HELLO from somebody perhaps. I am decently groomed & hygiened so I don't suppose that's the reason nobody on here has tossed out a hello 2 me . .ha ha!
First, 'Hello' - I've discovered that weekends here can be a little quiet, so please don't take the lack of response personally.
Second, my heartfelt sympathies for the stresses you've endured before your wedding and others now.
Next, if you haven't already, get one of Michelle's books. I'm personally working through DB, but many here will recommend DR as well or instead of...
After that, based on what you read in that book, put making yourself better first and foremost. Your pain and anguish didn't attract your W in the first place and won't attract her back now. More importantly, there are others in your life (including you) who want/need to see you as healthy, happy and adjusted as possible!
Finally, put this troubled young lady as close to the top of your priority list as you can (based on your posts, that would probably be right behind you and your lord) - if having the discussion with CYS is going to happen, the sooner the better for her. The more she's exposed to your situation, the more she's likely to backslide.
PLEASE have THAT discussion with W as soon as possible!
Same But Different
T - 7 years M - 2 years (my 2nd) Bomb (ILYBNILWY) - 10/19/07 WAW - 12/29/07 W home 12/30/07
My D(18) lives with us
'The aliens abducted my wife, and all I got was this T-shirt!'
I agree with the other guys above. Read and post and work on you.
I know that this time can be frustrating and painful, but put the M in Gods hands, ask him to bless it and let his will be done with it... then you can focus on you. The better a man you become, the better off everyone will be.
Maybe I missed it, there was alot there to process, but does your W have any specific complaints about the M or your roll in it? It's obvious that you all have been through a lot of crap together and that can be so hard.
Hang in there...
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
thanks so much for making me feel like part of the group here at last - same, atlas & ann. It feels good, not so much because i have so many pressing Q's that I need answered (although input is sure always nice)since I am by no means weak or dumb in finding my way through most things in life. And where I stumble and fall or feel clueless I have no prob turning it all over to the one with the Teachers Edition answer bank . . .GOD
Thanks again it is great hearing fm you, I look fwd to more. And I have acquired a fair amount of knowlege and seasoning in life to sometimes share with others if they want to hear my ranting and raving.
Time to stroll around here some more b 4 work calls.