I would like to explain my situation to see if I can get some advice. I’ve bought Michelle’s book and I’m waiting for it to arrive. Husband and I have been married for 7 years and since he’s an explosive specialist in the Marines, have gone through 5 deployments. We have a 4 y.o. little girl and I can’t begin to explain how hard the years of deployments have been on all of us. I have dealt with various bouts of depression and I have reasons to believe my husband is currently dealing with PTSD, a drinking problems and perhaps depression as well.
He deployed in April of 2014 and during the deployment everything seemed normal, we would facetime often and he was even talking about us trying for another child when he returned. Up until the day he returned it seemed everything was fine, we were planning a vacation shortly after he got back. I noticed upon his return that he was drinking a bit more than usual, but I figured he was just enjoying his vacation. Then on 11/22 out of the blue, he tells me that he can’t continue to fake it anymore. That he wants to divorce, that he loves me but isn’t IN love with me. Furthermore that he’s never loved me, that when we married he thought it would be easy to grow to love me. This was earth shattering for me, but I didn’t break down, and confessed to him that on many occasions I had dreamed of the freedom that divorce might bring, but that I hadn’t because of our daughter. He seemed upset by this and said that it just went to show what a horrible husband and father he is, and that he will never be any good. I finally started crying when I thought of my daughter and then my tears seemed to anger him.
A few days after he dropped this bomb I found out via Facebook that he had been talking to a female Marine who was deployed with him. When I confronted him about her, he denied an affair but said that she reminded him of his high school sweetheart and that he wanted to feel that IN love and happy feeling he had back then. During the following days he kept pressuring for us to see a mediator, we never got around to it. However during this time, maybe because of all the raw emotions, we were intimate a lot and his reactions and responses were not those of a man who has never been in love.
A few days later he flew out of state to visit his parents, they, specially his mother, were very upset about the news. While there, he called me every night to talk and so he could talk to our daughter. He mentioned that he missed home, I assumed he meant the weather, but he said that wasn’t what he was talking about. When he returned we both seemed to be very kind to each other and did various things with our daughter together. He then had to travel out of state again since his grandfather passed away.
Upon his return he made a joke about alimony which shook me noticeably, then he said, if I didn’t want to we didn’t have to talk about that anymore. At this point, I was almost sure he had changed his mind. Some days later I found an apartment application and he moved out of our home into an apartment, saying that sex wasn’t enough.
Since then we’ve texted quite a bit and he calls almost every evening to speak to our daughter and me as well. When he came by our house to pick up his mail, he said that we should hug goodbye, so he hugged and kissed me on the cheek. This believe it or not, made my chest ache but angered me. Then I made the mistake of telling him that him and I shouldn’t see each other or talk to each other unless it had to do with our daughter. I was angry and upset about what he was doing to our family as well as feeling like he was treating me like his granny. He seemed to take this really hard and we didn’t text after that for a few days. This however, was upsetting my daughter that we weren’t talking to each other so it was short lived. Last night he called to speak to our daughter but she was ill and sleeping so we just spoke for a while. He kept yawning so I told him I’d let him go to sleep, he changed the topic and we spoke a little longer, then I said goodnight. This seemed to anger him.
I’ve read tons of advice online and I’m anxiously waiting for Michelle’s book. In the mean time I’ve been exercising, working on my emotional health, spending time with friends and family and want to start doing things I’ve never done or haven’t done in a long time, in an attempt to heal some of the damage our stressful marriage caused my self- esteem. Despite everything though, I love my husband and I don’t want a divorce. Unfortunately we’re both fairly insecure people. While he may have pulled the trigger on the divorce gun, I did more than my share to load it.
He’s only been moved out for a little over 2 weeks and it feels like there’s a gaping, burning hole in my chest. I’m willing to fight for us, but I also can’t live in limbo forever; it’s torture. Also, although he’s only 36, I swear he’s having a mid-life crisis.
I'm sorry this is so long, any advice would be appreciated.
Hi Loli04, I'm really new here and only read Michele's book 2 weeks ago so I'm not sure how much help I can be but I'll try.
First I'll suggest you move this post over to the 'newcomers' forum, which seems to see a lot more activity.
Second, I know 2 weeks feels like a long time when you're in it and it's awful being stuck in limbo, but from what I've seen/read that's not long at all, and it takes a lot of people months to get things back on track. Almost all my friends told me after a month that it was 'too long to be in limbo' and I should give up, but it didn't feel right to me, and I'm so glad I found Michele's book and this forum. You'll see when you read the book that it's a long process.
First things first, it's really good you're taking care of yourself. You said you realised you did your fair share - what did you contribute? And how can you change?
As far as the mid life crisis, it is possible. In the book Michele states they can occur as early as 35 (my husband is only 28 but I have thought he was having some sort of mid life crisis! I think it's more identity crisis though). There's a section in Divorce Remedy that deals with mid life crises.
My advice for now would be:
-read the book (there's a link to the first chapter on this forum if you want to make a start)
-think about what YOU can change, and how you've contributed, and actions you can take to change. You mentioned you're insecure, maybe you can start by working on this?
-carry on doing this for yourself and getting out
Good luck and hang in there. Also there are some success stories around the forum, which I found really helpful to read. They gave me hope!
Thank you for the reply. I just got the book last night and I'm about 1/3 through it. I'm now glaringly aware of the many ways I contributed to this. Being critical, negative, insecure and always having to prove I'm right. I've been working on those things already. Each night I talk to him I'm cheerful and agreeable, some days he seems to love it and also gets cheerful, some days, like last night it seems to throw him off and for lack of a better word, really piss him off. I almost felt like he was trying to pick a fight last night. I didn't let myself get pulled into it though.
Don't give up! I think Michele says in the book that sometimes they might get angry so I think that's a normal reaction. Just keep trying different things and see what works. Think of it as an experiment.
Just think of how to do a 180 on each individual way that you contributed. Is there anything specific he complained about, any problems he brought up?
For example, some 180s:
critical - you could compliment him and thank him for stuff he does (for example if he does something around the house).
Negative - continue being positive, optimistic and upbeat. Make some jokes and have a good time!
Insecure - "act as if" you are confident (and also work on boosting your self-confidence)
Always have to be right - well done on not getting sucked into the fight, carry on with this and don't take his bait! I have this problem too! Here's what I'm trying to do (sometimes with more success than others): If you disagree with him on something, walk away or take a deep breath before you answer to gather your thoughts. If it's not a big deal, let it go. If it is something you think you need to discuss, tell him calmly your view and explain your reasoning. Don't push your view on him, and ask calmly and non-judgmentally ask him why he thinks what he does. This is hard for me but I figure it's really worth it because it's something I'd like to learn in general in life. Someone recommended me a book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I've just started it but I hope it's going to help with my need to 'win' arguments!
You also need to get out/GAL ("get a life", another concept from the book). What was it that attracted him to you that you might not be doing anymore? And what makes you happy? If you've stopped painting, for example, take it up again. Connect with friends and family and find time to go out with them. Take up a new hobby you've always wanted to try!
Let us know how it goes!
It's funny how each day is different. Yesterday was rough, today I feel better.
I'm working on GAL, I've got things planned with my daughter this weekend. I'm going to take up archery, which I've always wanted to do. I'm also planning on starting my masters which should occupy my time so that it's not on my mind all the time.
Last night he text me to tell me he wouldn't be able to call that night to speak to our D4. Naturally I was wondering why, I didn't ask though. At least he was considerate enough to text me.
When he met me I was at one of the best points in my life, I had finished my degree after working ft and going to school ft at night. I had been accepted to grad school and I was happy and proud of myself. 5 deployments during war certainly took their toll. I got to get back to who I was.
I'm glad you're feeling better today. It really is like a rollercoaster with a lot of ups and downs...
That sounds really positive! Enjoy your weekend. And taking up a new hobby is a great idea.
Well done for not questioning why. If that was one of the best points in your life it sounds like starting your masters is a good starting place for getting you back to that place.
Take care.
Today was promising. He came over to spend some time with our D4. We had lunch together, flew a kite and just talked and laughed. He spent a few hours here until he had to go. As he was leaving he hugged me goodbye and told me how good my hair smelled. I was shocked and not expected by that at all. My husband is not a person who gives compliments readily; in fact he's never said that before. I'm trying to just take it at face value but it did strike me as different.
Today was promising. He came over to spend some time with our D4. We had lunch together, flew a kite and just talked and laughed. He spent a few hours here until he had to go. As he was leaving he hugged me goodbye and told me how good my hair smelled. I was shocked and not expected by that at all. My husband is not a person who gives compliments readily; in fact he's never said that before. I'm trying to just take it at face value but it did strike me as different.
What do you think you did differently or how did you act differently that made the whole interaction more positive? Identify what you think worked and keep doing that! Remember small, consistent changes are what it takes. And hope you are getting out and doing activities you enjoy.
Remember to make changes for you, and your happiness (not with him in mind).
Well, I think I blew it last night. He called 2xs to FaceTime with us but I missed the call and called him approx 16 mins later. His reception was rather cold. Our daughter was sleeping anyhow so he wouldn't be able to talk to her. We spoke for a while, a bit over an hour, and he lightened up a bit. I think I blew it though since i made a comment about an acquiantance of his not being the best person to go to for advice since the guy is an alcoholic. I realize this was a mistake. He became almost confrontational after that. I didn't get pulled into an argument. His parents argued non stop when he was a kid and it's almost like he craves confrontation. He also seemed slightly annoyed that I'm getting out and im upbeat and easy going. I feel exhausted from his moodiness. Maybe I won't talk to him tonight and I'll just let my daughter chat with him. He always has a smile for her.
Well, I think I blew it last night. He called 2xs to FaceTime with us but I missed the call and called him approx 16 mins later. His reception was rather cold. Our daughter was sleeping anyhow so he wouldn't be able to talk to her. We spoke for a while, a bit over an hour, and he lightened up a bit. I think I blew it though since i made a comment about an acquiantance of his not being the best person to go to for advice since the guy is an alcoholic. I realize this was a mistake. He became almost confrontational after that. I didn't get pulled into an argument. His parents argued non stop when he was a kid and it's almost like he craves confrontation. He also seemed slightly annoyed that I'm getting out and im upbeat and easy going. I feel exhausted from his moodiness. Maybe I won't talk to him tonight and I'll just let my daughter chat with him. He always has a smile for her.
Hi Loli, don't worry, we all have better and worse days, and days where we backslide. Now that you know you shouldn't have said his friend wasn't a good person to go to for advice, what are you going to do next time? It's really important not to criticise. But don't worry, we all backslide sometimes - just take this as a lesson for next time. What happened yesterday, did he call?
Yes, he calls every night, except for like either Friday or Saturday when he goes drinking, or so I assume. Today is a bad day, I feel so emotionally drained from dealing with this and long work hours just get me thinking about it. If I get through today without asking him when he intends in filing it will really be a miracle. I'm tired of having been plan b for 7 years to the Marine Corps and now to whatever this is. If it weren't for my daughter I think I'd be done.
Yes, he calls every night, except for like either Friday or Saturday when he goes drinking, or so I assume. Today is a bad day, I feel so emotionally drained from dealing with this and long work hours just get me thinking about it. If I get through today without asking him when he intends in filing it will really be a miracle. I'm tired of having been plan b for 7 years to the Marine Corps and now to whatever this is. If it weren't for my daughter I think I'd be done.
I'm no expert here (I'm a newbie too) but I think if you're feeling like that, maybe you should limit contact with him- just hand the phone straight to your daughter. That way you limit the potential time in which you could make a comment you may later regret.
I know it's really hard, and emotionally draining. I think that's why people on these boards talk about GAL ("get a life") so much. Getting out will give you more energy and make you focus more on yourself.
What are you doing to GAL?
And what are some changes you want to make in yourself? Are you working on you?
I didn't text him at all yesterday, I tealixed I was texting him almost everyday with something related to our D4 but I was still texting him. When he called to FaceTime with D4 I just put her on and didn't talk to him. A little while I to the conversation he started asking our daughter what I was doing. Then he asked to speak with me. It went well except he seemed noticeably upset when I mentioned that I had a planned vacation time in May. He seemed to think that when I alsed about his schedule it was for some other reason when what I wanted to know is if he could take d4 during that time. Of course I am speculating but he seemed really down. The mixed messages are never ending. If he doesn't want a divorce he needs to actually tell me. Today I had to text him about our d4 and he replied quickly, which he hadn't been doing.
I'm working on me, working out and GAL as much as possible, my job is just very cerebral so I think all day and inadvertently my thoughts turn to the sitch. Today was better though.
I wouldn't speculate too much...you never know what's in his head and it could just drive you crazy! Just state it clearly - "I'm planning a vacation in May and I need to know if you can take D4 from XXX date to XXX date."
What are your GAL activities?
And have you read DB or DR? You need to look deep down in yourself, and ask yourself what *you* contributed to the breakdown in this M. What specific complaints did your H have? What behaviours can you change/what 180s can you do?
I'm working out regularly, I'm taking archery lessons and planning things with friends.
I know that my insecurities have been probably the main motivating factor in a lot of our problems, I'm really trying to work on it. He never really complained too much, but he mentioned it once or twice.
I think what drives me crazy are all the mixed signals he sends.
In what ways have you changed for the better since the BD? I notice you mention his "anger" quite often. Does he have an anger issue?
I've accepted my part in our problems, specifically my insecurities and my need to always be right. I've realized that being happy is more important than being right, so now in our interactions if he says something thats factually incorrect, I just ignore it. I've been actively working out since, this helps with my self esteem and I'm trying out new activities.
He does have some anger issues, while he's never been violent towards me, other than shoving me once. He often feels that he's being disrespected by people, and this angers him. I'm sure he often felt I disrespected him and this must have been difficult since he has his own insecurities he deals with.
Back up a bit. It sounds as if YOU WERE disrespecting him, especially if you felt that you were always right. Did you feel the need to correct him often?
It didn't occur to me then, that correcting someone when they are factually wrong could be seen as disrespect. Ive always believed that knowledge is power and sharing that comes from a good place, and while he never articulated it, I have a good feeling this is what he felt. However with him it goes beyond that. Traffic would make him angry, people walking slow in front of him, anyone questioning his motives or actions. Even offers of help were viewed as an insult. He did acknowledge during one of our last conversations how angry he feels.
I wish I could say I didn't do it often but I'm sure I did. Our educational backgrounds are very different, and I think that really rubs raw his insecurities about his intelligence. Which is odd because he's actually rather intelligent. But I suppose most of our insecurities are unfounded.
It comes down to pride. If you say he has insecurities, you don't prey on them by correcting him all the time. No one likes that. You're his W not his teacher. If you did want to correct him in some way, you can change the way you tell him without sounding like you're teaching him a lesson. Something like... "I think you're right, but I've also heard that ..."
Yes, unfortunately years of deployments caused a lot of bitterness between us and we were both pretty mean to each other, albeit many times it was without even thinking. I wish I would have realized much of this sooner. At this point all I can do is change on my end and hope he will change his mind. I have noticed some positive changes in him too, specially with our daughter. I've made sure to sincerely praise him for it and he seems to love it. Hopefully it won't be too little too late.
"a lot of bitterness between us and we were both pretty mean to each other, albeit many times it was without even thinking."
Actually, the two of you knew what you were saying to each to push each others buttons. Of course, you two did that because of both of your insecurities. Someone had to "win". I'm glad to hear that you're working on it. slow and steady. Get him to trust in you again.
Maybe made a mistake, I'm not sure. Last night my D4 cried herself to sleep asking about her daddy and saying how much she misses and loves him. This really gutted me. Not only does it bring to the forefront howixh I miss him myself but it vividly illustrates how my failures are affecting her and will continue to affect her. Well I couldn't help myself. I sent my husband a text
"I'm not sending this text with the intention of making you feel bad so please don't take it that way. Isabelle was crying tonight as I put her to sleep wanting to know when she was going to see her daddy, she was saying she misses and loves you very much. I do appreciate all your effort in calling her and spending time with her, I understand work is hectic, but if you could find anyway to spend a few hours with her during the week I'm sure it would help."
I hope he doesn't interpret it as me trying to guilt trip him. He didn't respond.
Next time, ask your D if she wants to talk to daddy. Then if she does, go ahead and call your H. You don't have to be on the phone, just let her talk.
Thing is she had just face timed with him earlier in the evening. The hardest part of this is how it's affecting her and it angers me that he isn't as affected by it as I am because he doesn't see it.
Then you shouldn't have replied back to him after. When you do, it does seem like you're guilting him.
He came by tonight for about two hours to spend time with our D. I was really pleased and told him how much I appreciate him making her a priority. So I'm really happy about that. Totally confused though by how gropey he was. I'm utterly confounded, supposedly we don't have sexual chemistry but he kept staring and trying to grab at body parts and hugging and squeezing hips. The more this goes on the more I think his reasons were a big pile of b.s.
Unless he's just trying to get some until whatever he's looking for comes around... Weird!
Unless he's just trying to get some until whatever he's looking for comes around... Weird!
That is probably the correct assumption.
I figured as much, he sure isn't acting very nice about this whole thing. At least he's being responsible towards our D so I'll take that.
Having one if those days where I just want to tell him to file for divorce already if that's what he really wants. I know for some people it drags on for years but come on already. It's going on 3 months since he dropped the bomb. He seemed so sure that's what he wanted, what is he waiting for. This is exasperating.
You have a choice to make. Do you want to reconcile your marriage or do you want to end it and move on. I have read on here that if you want to have any chance of reconciling the marriage to put the divorce off for as long as possible.
Sorry to bust your post. I don't know how to make my own post.. My husband has been gone for 3 months. I've read the book. He was texting everyday with i love you's and I miss you's I want you's. He is living with another woman. He sent me valentines flowers ask to meet me that Friday. We had an awesome night together, he promised to come home just give him time. And for me not to date anyone for me wait for him. Well on Monday he continued with the same o'l sweet sayings. He told me to wait for him to find us a nice home to move into. We already have a home that's paid for. I told him it shouldn't matter where we lived as long as we were together. Then did a 180 on me... Told me, " JoAnn, the truth is I'm not coming home. I just love you so much that it is so hard to hurt you. You must move on an try to find happiness. Plz don't hate me.." so now I'm lost.... What am I to do now??? I need advice please!!!!
You're right Vince. I'm having a real hard time with deciding exactly what it is I want to do and what path to follow. The part of me that loves him and wants him to be there for our D4, wants to be patient and follow through. Then there's the part which on a weekly basis finds out more and more about the involvement of another woman as the trigger for all this and that parts makes me want to tell him off repeatedly and be done with it. A few days ago I did in fact tell him off, it resulted in us having probably the most honest and intimate talk that we've had during our entire marriage but it also did a lot of damage, since he said he was considering coming back but couldn't like this. Part of me thinks that may just be B.S. to buy more time away. He's making no movement in the legal proceeding direction and this time. I wish I could read his mind. He'll come over to spend time with our daughter and does, but I watch them interact and he will be looking out of the corner of his eye to see if I'm watching. So yeah, I still need to commit to one decision, it's so hard when I miss him and watch to choke him at the same time.
Hurt,
It's easy to make your own post. Go to:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=20&page=1 Then click "New Topic" and type away.
We look forward to hearing your story.
Loli04! SO much of your situation is like mine. My H was in the Marines, although he got out before I met him. But I don't think anyone ever stops being a Marine. Your words below...I could have written them myself!! Our big issue is that is disrespect him. And yes, I could have done things differently, but even he admits that he is easily triggered. I never meant to disrespect him.
And ohh my. your comment about the traffic. I would often be embarrassed by how he lost his temper while driving with someone else in the car. And when we got married, I had just finished my masters degree, and even though he is incredibly intelligent, he didn't go to college and I think he never felt comfortable around some of my “friends”.
I really hope you are able to find happiness with your H again. It sounds like he still is interested in you and especially your D. I think for me the biggest thing is to remember that you still have a choice. You are not helpless. There is strength in standing for your marriage. That doesn’t make you weak, even if you “deserve” better. It makes you a person of character. But standing for your marriage doesn’t mean you have to wait around being miserable. You can choose to use this time to make yourself happy, which is sounds like you are doing! So stay strong!
"He often feels that he's being disrespected by people, and this angers him. I'm sure he often felt I disrespected him and this must have been difficult since he has his own insecurities he deals with.
It didn't occur to me then, that correcting someone when they are factually wrong could be seen as disrespect. Ive always believed that knowledge is power and sharing that comes from a good place, and while he never articulated it, I have a good feeling this is what he felt. However with him it goes beyond that. Traffic would make him angry, people walking slow in front of him, anyone questioning his motives or actions. Even offers of help were viewed as an insult. He did acknowledge during one of our last conversations how angry he feels.
I wish I could say I didn't do it often but I'm sure I did. Our educational backgrounds are very different, and I think that really rubs raw his insecurities about his intelligence. Which is odd because he's actually rather intelligent. But I suppose most of our insecurities are unfounded."