I have been unable to think of a name for this... and several times I have come here and tried to update, but stared at a blank screen not able to type... other times I have typed a novel and not hit submit, 'cuz my situation has been so convoluted from the beginning even the people who have stuck with me through it all have a hard time following.
That said, I am determined to type this morning and hit the submit button!!
Basically H and I are separated and will eventually be getting a divorce. Not what I want... hasn't ever been what I want, but it's way past time for me to accept reality.
H is of he mind that this is all my fault! That I am angry and unwilling to work things out. But working things out to him is going back to how things were... he refuses to see that he has any work to do at all. His privacy is way more important to him than re-earning my trust.
A little background...
We have been married almost 21 years... have two teenage boys... H is active duty military and is stationed about 5 hours from us. About the time he got these orders I discovered he was having an affair with a co-worker.
Ideally to work things out we should have moved as a family but with the economy and housing market that was not possible.
There have been many issues over the years. Lots of dysfunctional stuff. I began counseling almost 4 years ago and started dealing with mine. Maybe that was why everything eventually came to a head.
I love my H... As mad as I have gotten over some things I have never stopped loving him for one day. I hope he will eventually look at himself, fall to his knees and figure out how to be good to himself and find happiness.
So good to see your post. I know the feeling of wanting to post or writing it all out and then hitting delete. BTDT!
Here's a feeling I get too, and sorry if it sounds harsh because I certainly am not wanting to 2x4 you. You want your H to change, you want him to be the H you want. Was he ever? Can he ever be the H of your dreams? If the answer is no then yes you should move on. Get the D done, stop dragging it out, just do it.
But, my opinion, from being a DB buddy all these years - you want change to happen NOW, because you are changing from your sessions with a C. After 21 years of a pattern of a dysfunctional M you can't expect a night and day change. and you know what? if that happened I would bet it wouldn't last either.
I think you are like me, and we are not good communicators. So....show your H by your actions what you want and how you want a M to be. If he is still active with his affair it won't be noticed. When that affair dies, if you are willing to be there, he will remember the person that you have been for him.
Your H has been like mine, he wasn't happy with me or the M, but he wouldn't leave and just be done with me. Rather than tell me or offer options he went outside the M to find comfort. You can call it cake eating, you can call it living on both sides, whatever. I call it eye opennig for me, and i had to find a way to change me for me, and to envelop the person that H remembered he fell in love with.
If you have honestly loved your H for 21 years then you do love the man he is, the H he is, the father he is, and it is up to you to offer him the pieces he needs to discard to continue in the M with you if he doesn't want to be divorced.
Ok, and now I am hitting submit before I read this all and hit delete.
(((NNP)))
you are right our M has been very dysfunctional and as much as I would like things to change overnight, I know that is not possible. I have been patient (although not as patient as you my friend lol ).
H does not feel he needs to make any changes at all. He thinks "we just need to have some fun together" and that I need to get over my anger and forget about things that have happened in the past.
I feel we need to deal with the things that have happened so they do not happen again.
It may seem selfish of me, but I need him to want to re-earn my trust. I want that passionate marriage based on respect, trust, and honesty that oldtimer mentioned so long ago in my sitch.
I am willing to do the work to get it, but I can not do it alone.
You weren't kidding about being in the same place hun.
Willing to do the work; he blames you and says you are angry.
I know 21 years of marriage is nothing to 5+2 years of dating and I know that I don't have kids adding into the mix. Plus military life for the "soldier" and the wife can be very unique and difficult.
Like others have told me - only you know when enough is enough.
Just an interesting note I seen -I was looking at your profile and I noticed that we came to these boards just 3 days apart from each other. (weird that for some people, like yourself, you can go back to your original posts but mine don't).
Here we are, 5 years later. My D was final 47 days later (yep, Ohio dissolution is quick) & I started (or restarted) the R with BF and we see where that has brought me to as of today.
Just a suggestion - maybe you should look back, from the very begining of your R. All the ups and downs. Maybe even make a list of all the positives and negatives.
Then also look specifically at the last 5 years. What brought you the boards, the journey you and the marriage have been on.
Who knows - maybe I'm just babbling cause I didn't get much sleep.
I was thinking of some goals last night.
1. Read my Bible! I think it is time to give up all these "self-help" books I have spent a small fortune on and remember to read the true self-help book more often.
2. Eat better. I lost 70# 4 years ago by limiting my sugar and upping my protein intake. In the last 12 months I have gained 15 back and summer is almost here, wish I had woke up sooner on this one. UGH!
3. Exercise more. Not sure how I let this slide... I was doing so good (boot camp 2 times per week, elliptical every other day) and then about Jan stopped everything, gotta get back to it.
4. Keep focused at work. Not really sure how I even have survived this past 18 months. Some days go by and I feel like I spent 8 hours staring at my computer screen. I know I am not letting things slide too badly, but still I owe my employer my FULL attention!
5. Keep up better with the housework. Many days I come home from work and feel like I just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head. I think I could get rid of 3/4 of the stuff in the house. No one needs all this stuff... I am beginning to hate stuff!
and finally and most importantly:
6. Spend more quality time one on one with my sons. I am always with them, but they are so close in age that it has always been a challenge to have time to devote to each of them individually.
I need to borrow some of your goals...nice work!
thanks
use whatever you like.
I had a pretty good weekend. Went to see Letters for Juliet. Really good movie. It didn't even make me sad... actually it made me hopeful.
H was here this weekend, I did a good job of enforcing my boundaries and that felt really good.
I'm a little blue today. I need to do something productive instead of giving in to the melancholy. Guess I will go pick some strawberries today, the local farm is offering a 25% military discount. Can't beat that
Anniversary #21
(((NNP))) Anniversarys are still hard for me and I've been divorced 2 years! Mine would be next week. I had breakfast with my ex last month (I am now out of state, but was back near him visiting my daughter). It was a healthy thing for me to do.....he is still not happy! I blamed myself for so long even when I knew I had been the best wife I knew how to be.
I would like to borrow your goals....all but the last one since I have no sons.
Off to work....
I am looking forward to the day that I really feel like that.
Mat! So happy to see you and read that you are doing ok. Use whatever you like!
I know I will be sad on our anniversary date in Aug. Someday maybe it will be just another day, but not now. I still mourn the loss of my marriage, and that's ok...
Hope you got through it without too much trouble!
I wrote just another day, but I didn't treat it that way. A friend of mine in Chicago got Cubs tickets that day -- late April -- and I headed there for the night.
So if it's not "just another day" yet, do something special for yourself.
do something special for yourself.
I like to buy myself flowers.....just the $4 bunch at the grocery store, but it still is a treat!
Last year I was a bit mean and sent my ex a message on what would have been our anniversary telling him I was enjoying an egg mcmuffin instead of eggs benedict which would have been our traditional anniversary breakfast. Don't think he "got it".
NNP, checking in and there is nothing new from you. How are you?
I did something for myself last weekend Mat... something totally out of the ordinary for me! LOL I took the state motorcycle safety course... all three days that he was home!
I just saw the funniest thing. I was stalking a high school boyfriend on plentyofish and noticed a faux pas...
Don't say you are a "non-smoker" and then post a picture of yourself smoking!
Don't anyone panic, I'm not looking for a date or anything I kind of stumbled across him, it was harmless entertainment.
Sounds like a tv show that used to be on called Bloopers or Blunders or something like that.
What else is happening?
nothing much... still just paying bills and taking care of my boys and myself
H comes here once in a while, but not very often. We rarely talk and almost every time we do he says something like "it seems like you never want to talk to me." I've told him several times there is nothing for us to talk about except boys and bills.
4th of July is my second fav holiday (next to Easter)... we normally have a get-together. This year somehow I ended up inviting double the amount of people and everyone accepted so I will have a house full. A couple of days ago it occurred to me that I probably invited so many some how thinking it would fill the void of my H not being here.
I still have a lot of work to do on me... but I am getting there.
HAPPY 4TH EVERYONE!
Very aggravated today! 4th of July is always a big party at our house. H will not be here. I have invited all the usual people and some new ones as well... probably trying to fill what I know will be a void. ...and this is actually my first real entertaining with H not here.
So last night he starts txting me, the theme was basically woe is him, no one cares about him... yada yada yada I answered a few more times than I should have. But kept it sort of brief.
What I don't get is once he got rid of me I thought his life was supposed to be perfect???? I am sure he is having a ball on all his adventures and I figure last night was more about people being here and him thinking we would be talking about him. I am sure it had nothing to do with me.
I have a hard time not answering when he contacts me... I seldom do, but it is agony for me. I know he just needed his NNP fix. I wonder since he didn't get it if he will be trying again all day today. I guess I will leave my phone on my nightstand.
He doesn't want me, he threw me away, why won't he leave me alone?
NNP--hope you have a great party anyway, and are reminded by the presence of all your friends (and some new ones) that you are not disposable!
I hope you had a fantastic party!!
He doesn't want me, he threw me away, why won't he leave me alone?
Honestly, did he throw you away? doesn't he want to stay M but on his weird terms? That's not throwing you away. You have become a person that is capable of leaving him in the dust and he is not used to that. You have finally 'gone dark' and he doesn't know what to do about it.
I know you're living apart due to his job. If it wasn't due to that would you be officially or legally separated?
The smoking thing made me laugh because that has happened to me. I browse match.com on occasion, and several times a guy has said he "never" smokes but then there is a pic of him with cigarette in hand! Sheesh!
NNP, how was the 4th? I am so proud of you carrying on with traditions even though your H is not around. That shows you are a strong woman! You are my hero!!!
I had to laugh about your stalking a high school friend. I have a high school reunion coming up in August so I have been looking over the list to see who is coming. There are 2 particular guys that had crushes on me in HS, but I was dating someone else. Saw both of them on facebook, but they are not on the list of attendees. Anyway, I asked the person in charge of the reunion to contact both of them to ask if they were coming.....I didn't want to appear inappropriate, but love watching those old tv movies when old loves meet after years and years. Wonder if that works for "old crushes", too??? On the other hand, I have considered putting my wedding ring back on just for that night....I am not sure I want to face being "the divorced woman" Is that crazy??? I suspect I will not be the only divorced woman there, though!
Back to YOU: "What I don't get is once he got rid of me I thought his life was supposed to be perfect????" That is something I could have said! It makes me secretly happy that he is not happy....at least it confirms that I was not totally at fault!!! You certanly aren't either,but I think we tend to take the blame.
So, keep in touch and let us know how you and the boys are doing!
checking in again. How are you? Please give us an update when you are ready.
Well not much to tell. It comes as no surprise that my H continues to lead a double life and to lie even though he doesn't have to. I no longer stay around when he comes to town, which is less and less all the time.
I am ready to move on with my life and I am working on finishing paying the bills off. I may be able to get out from under this house very soon and that would facilitate things greatly. In the next year or so this ordeal may actually be over. I never wanted my marriage to end, but as most of you who follow my story know, I never had the marriage I thought I did or wanted anyway.
I know I did not DB as well as I could have, but I doubt it would have made much difference. What DB (and counseling) did do for me is enable me to move on a much stronger person.
You do sound so much stronger than you did before. You have really been an inspiration for me as I strive to be a stronger person.....just for me! I am happy being me (well, for the most part!) I don't have to please anyone else.
Are your sons doing ok?
Hi Mat... I am glad you are still checking in with me
I do feel I am getting stronger all the time. I have not had any interaction with H for over two weeks now. We have not had any interaction initiated by me in about 3 months.
I am approaching this like driving over a bridge. I keep my line of vision focused on the road directly in front of the car, right between the two straight yellow lines.
I have a thing about bridges. If it is a bridge I drive often enough to become somewhat comfortable I may sneak a peak now and then out my peripheral vision to see the spectacular view. hmmmm I think there might be a really good analogy in there somewhere
Sons are doing as well as can be expected, it is so true that the better I do with things the better they do.
How is your DD?
NNP, keep crossing those bridges!!! When I was going through my divorce I used "my journey" to get me through that.....I had a picture of a pretty scene,with lots of stairs. I kept the picture out to look at. Now the bridge would be better....I no longer feel I am going up the those long steps....just still on a journey across the next bridge.
My dtr had a baby 2 weeks ago!! I'm a GRANDMOTHER!!! YIKES!!! He is a sweet thing....just too far away. I saw my ex when I was visiting the new baby and he is not happy at all. We actually had dinner together. I was pretty proud of myself for being able to spend time with him, being able to talk as a friend, but to realize that he still has so many issues that were not resolved by leaving me. The sad thing about my dtr is that she has a rocky marriage already. Trying to get her to go for counseling, but her husband doesn't think they need it. I wish I could pass on some of the wisdom I have learned over the years. They are not ready for that, though.
Take care, and please keep in touch.
Good to hear you're feeling better about getting better. I know quite a few folks that are nervous about bridges. Just be careful that you don't drive with blinders on (like on a harness for horses) or you won't know when it's safe to look around again.
Matilda, congrats Grandma!
Congrats Matilda! If nothing else maybe your DD will seek counseling. I hope so.
This might be a good time for me to start a new thread. Big doings yesterday. Gotta think of a name then I will post a link here.
ok here you go:
No longer holding on to what I know is gone. I moved to Surviving, cuz that is what I plan on doing.