Hi everyone, actually DBing worked for me after my S had a EA progressing to PA with a work colleague. we actually managed to begin to pull it together, drfited apart for a while and were pulling it back together very well. I can speak very positively of DBing.
However, in the late stages of our R process, I met someone and have an infatuation with them. I met them at a bar, have been to lunch and generally this OW seems a lot more attractive right now.
This is a problem because part of my DBing approach was to commit to saving the M at all cost.
I barely know this new person and logic tells me I am in the infatuation stage but there's a reason they call infatuation 'love sick' isn't there?
any advice???
Simple.
Do you still love your W? do you still want to save your M?
You know how hard it is and how much work it takes to keep even a good M. This new friend of yours is a good release from the stress you've been going through in your M. But then again, when you started going out with your W, it was the same thing.
How are the R efforts going?
Hi stuck88, well, R is going so so but after 2.5 years since the bomb I just can't get this newcomer out of my mind. I have ceased contact but I feel like a tennager again. WAW senses the issue and is more attentive but I have some kind of block....
That's actually pretty typical. A new person with a new perspective, and you are having butterflies.
But, if you have agreed to give it your all for your marriage, then you have to follow through. You made a commitment to your wife. You may feel like a teenager, but you are not one...you are an adult. With being an adult comes responsibilities that teenagers don't have.
And the fact is, even if you do decide to go with this new woman, eventually the newness will wear off. We are all only human, fabulously flawed, and nothing is always perfect all the time. What are you going to do when that happens...walk away from the new woman?
Stick with your wife. Go to counseling. Remember the things about her that made you fall in love with her in the first place. Try to plan a romantic evening, something both of you will enjoy.
And get your head out of your a$$. You are doing to your wife the same thing she did to you...and it hurt you. Why in the world would you want to turn around and do it to someone else?
Sorry, just a little sharpness to Lola...
Hi Lola,
not sharp, just honest. I understand everything you say but I am really struggling to let go of the newcomer.
I guess the newness = easiness which doesn't exist with WAW. There is a chasm opening up between WAW and me now; I'm really not sure how to close the gap. I have not progressed the newcomer at all but obviously mentally there is something there.
When you say it is common, how do people put the newcomer out of their mind?
Thanks, Kiwi000
How many times have you seen her, 2 times?
You need to have stronger boundaries in place. There's nothing wrong with a fantasy as long as you realize it's just that, a fantasy. You are not going to seek her out in real life and make it clear if she pursues you.
When you say it is common, how do people put the newcomer out of their mind?
I think it's common in a sense that when your M is on the rocks there is a lot of void that is not filled within your M and it's natural to want it filled somewhere else.
You need to realize that that's what's happening and stick to your boundaries.
As far as getting them off your mind... why bother. You can entertain yourself with whatever your imagination can offer, as long as you have no intention of acting it out.
Completely separate thought to spoil your grandiose WAS plans:
Why do you think OP would want to be involved with someone who is not even divorced yet?
Thanks wholeagain, all good advice. I'm back on track for my goals. Newcomer is just that and I don't know her at all so I won't give up on a M, even though I was the LBS, for a fantasy.
Kiwi, You said you've DB'd before...perhaps get out the book and re-read a bit? Dust off an old copy of The 5 Love Languages?
It's for you. Forget about what W is doing and focus on you. Start looking like a better fantasy.