I thought I should self moderate and start a new thread. Here is a link to my old one.
Tired of the game So, life has been pretty quiet. Work has become a bit annoying and I am going to think over some issues to do with that while I am away. I am thinking of starting to look for a new job when I get back.
I have 2 days left till I go away. I am so excited!
I have just had to walk home because North London is at a standstill because of the snow but it was lovely because it was so pretty.
I guess I should update on H news, but to be honest he quite secondary now. I decided that I would meet him, I am very much in a different frame of mind these days and I thought long and hard about it whether it was the right thing to do or not. In fact it was a really nice meet up, he let me know a time and day a week in advance (those of you who have followed my story will know that is a miracle!) and we had a nice brunch together. I was very strong, happy in myself, and had my confidence back again and I think it was quite a different meeting to the past. He talked about how he was tired all the time, even though he got plenty of sleep. I guess the big thing was he paid which I think was the first time ever. I am really glad that I put my foot down over him messing me around and set a boundary. I will be consistent with it should I decide to meet him again in the future.
Since the meeting he has sent me a Christmas card in which he wrote a personal message (first time ever again) and is also sending me a present 'to take on holiday with me'. I am not reading anything to any of this at all and am not changing my course or attitude in any way at the moment. I will be fine whatever happens. I did miss him the day after seeing him but bounced back pretty quickly. I think the divorce is all still in progress but to be honest I am leaving it to the solicitor, as I want as little as possible to do with it. Perhaps why I am not posting here so much.
Anyway, I wanted to wish everyone a very happy holiday and I will probably be on the internet a fair bit when I am away so I shall let you know what I am up to.
Hugs to all my lovely DB friends!
First!!!!
Good for you. You go girl!
Have a BLAST on vacation!!!
Oh can I be excited about being second?? Proud of you and so excited about your adventure. do all that fun stuff now, it gets so much harder with kids in tow.
kat
I agree. Have fun, that's what you should be doing now...
Hugs
K
(((((Julia)))))
You sound GREAT!
Remind me of when you are going to be visiting the mouse!
Oh Julia!! I can't get on FB from work but I wanted to answer your questions!!!!!
#1 - Youth hostels are nearly unheard of in LA except in the worst parts of town. Of course the problem with asking me is that I'm a bit of a hotel snob and can't stand the thought of a hostel.
Out of those I have researched probably the best would be the Hosteling International location in Santa Monica. Fairly safe area with good access to all major points of interest.
#2 - Don't bother buying Disney tickets in advance. There really are no discounts except for multi-day passes through tour companies and those generally require you to book hotel in conjunction so you would end up spending more. I can say that you should definitely visit both parks if you can, but if you are limited to only one then definitely do Disneyland, not California Adventure. It is the original, the only park that Walt actually walked in and spent time in. It gives it a little something extra. Of course, I'm biased in that respect since I'm from SoCal. LOL.
#3 - I assume you are not planning on renting a car while you are there? Oh wait! I forgot! Are you still not driving? It is not easy to get around SoCal without a car. Pretty expensive proposition actually. Taxi's are ridiculous especially since you spend a lot of time sitting in traffic and being charged for every minute of it. There are some shuttle services that will transport between major attractions and the airport. Super Shuttle and Prime Time Shuttle come to mind. They are door to door shared ride service but not cheap. Public transportation is nearly impossible because lines don't always connect to each other without going far out of your way. I would suggest checking with the
Los Angeles Visitors Bureau and see if you can plan out your routs using the metrorail and other public transport. Anaheim (where Disneyland is) is in Orange County, about 35 miles south of Los Angeles.
I don't know if any of this is helpful or stuff you have already found out on your own. I hope you can use it to further your research. Departure date is coming up quick!!!!
Enjoy every minute of your time away!!!!!
FYI Julia, RB & I bought 3 day park hopper passes (the online discount actually made them cheaper than 2 day passes)! We are going down Jan 29-31. I was trying to get down there the 28th, but he doesn't think he can get off work. What day are you doing Disneyland?
Ah Michelle that is a shame. I leave on the 29th
ah well. So I think I should be visiting the Mouse on the 27th or 28th.
Thanks for the info Mishka. I think I am going to have to hostel it as I will probably have about 3p by the time I get to LA
I will look into the visitor bureau as travel could be an issue. Thank you for pre-warning me and also recommending as hostel as I was worried about the neighbourhoods.
Hugs to you all. I can't wait to go now, but gosh I have got so much to do as I have done *nothing* in preparation so far
ce la vie, that is quite typical of me. Before all the h stuff I used to be so laid back, seems I am reverting
Have a wonderful time, (Julia))!!!! And safe travels.
Hopefully, now, you have some packing done. I wish you the Merriest of Christmases and a safe and wonderful journey. this is going to be just what you needed to get a fresh start. cheers!!
hugs and blessings, kat
Merry Christmas Julia! Less than 24 hours to departure........I'm excited to see your pics and hear of your adventures.
Well maybe I missed you... but have a fab time!
Well done for being brave and confident enough to meet with H, I am sure you feel better to have done that than leave your M on an acrimonious footing. I think its very sweet and about time that he treated yuo like a human being and didnt cancel, sent you a card with some actual nice words in and bought you a present. Of course you cant read owt into all of that, as it could just be that he still cares for you etc but isnt planning on leaving ow, but its just brilliant that you have got this far with him and that he is showing you some respect and thought now.
Have a great time! I hope you have fun and fall for some gorgeous irish man (as once happened to me when I went off to america for 6 weeks, theres loads of em out there!)
Al xxx
How funny Ali! Irishmen in America???? Where???? I want to go find one. The accent alone would have me melting into a puddle.
Try Pennsylvania or New York lol
I'm here, I love it. I have met people already and am having lots of fun. I'll post when I have more time. But this was definately the right decision
Excellent news, Julia! All the best now and Merry Christmas!
Travel is good for the soul!
kat
Hey guys
Well I am now in Thailand and it is great. Tomorrow I am off to Phi Phi, where they filmed 'The Beach'. Singapore was really good fun, I met another girl weirdly who's ex boyfriend had Chron's disease so it was really good to have a discussion about that, him and h shared some very interesting post illness traits. It was good being able to talk about it with someone who understands what it is like to go through it, especially as a parnter of. And a couple of guys so the 4 of us hung out together and had Christmas lunch together and Singapore Slings at Raffles. During the day I hung out by myself and had some much needed me time. I was staying in Little India so it was good to hang out there and also looking round China town and all the countless shopping malls that Singapore has.
I think I am meeting up with an old friend from school on Phi Phi which will be nice.
Anyway, I hope everyone had a great Christmas
Travel is definately good for the soul! :-)
I'm closing my eyes and imagining you sitting at the beautiful Raffles hotel sipping Singapore Slings.....sigh....so peaceful.
Ok, so you were in Singapore, staying in Little India, looking around China town and headed to Thailand. Good heavens! That's quite a blend of asian flavors.
Hope you had some great Indian food while staying in Little India. Enjoy the Thai! It's my favorite. You just made me want to jump a flight to Mumbai actually to visit a friend I haven't seen in about a year other than on FB. He's a serious hottie.....:) Way too young but good for the ego......hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....oh my, ok, it's getting hot in here.......
Enjoy! Lay in the sun and soak up the rays on the beautiful beach. I'm so jealous!!!!!
Good to hear that your journey is off to a good start! This adventure and what you take from it are going to define you for the rest of your life. I am so thrilled for you.
kat
Off to a wonderful start-fantastic!
Yay!!!! That sounds like so much fun!!!!
I spent the day snorkelling round and island called Phi Phi, it was the place that was featured in the film 'the beach' with Leo. I also hung out with 3 *gorgeous* french guys who were really funny so it was quite like being in the beach lol. It's all good!
I have just booked to go off to 'paradise' apparently for New Year as it is so touristy here hopefully it'll be a bit quieter there. I didn't fancy the full moon parties as apparently it isn't recommended if you are on your own esp of you are female. Paradise'll do me ok though
FUN FUN FUN!! I love that you are doing so many interesting things and meeting great people. Impressive!
Happy New Year, Julia. This one is for you!!
Hey Guys
I thought I'd try and catch up a bit with my emails and here
I have mainly been on the islands around southern Thailand but have finally got back to dry land. I spent New Year on an island called
Koh Ngai which was so lovely, the pic does not do it justice. Although I am not sure it was the wisest of choice really becasue after it got dark there was nothing to do and it was full of couples having a romantic time which didn't make me feel the best. Still, the beach was lovely and you only had to swim a few feet out into the water to snorkel in the reef which was full of gorgeous fish.
Previously I was in
Koh Phi Phi which again wasso beautiful but very very touristy and full of bars and clubs and the bit where you had to stay was totally ruined by that. Still though, I really enjoyed it. Now I am in Krabi and tomorrow I am getting the bus up to Bankok. I am going there early as I really feel like I have seen round here now and I figure I can always do day trips from Bangkok if I want to. I plan on doing a Thai cooking course there too and also I am hopefully meeting a friend there from when I was at school so it will be nice to see a friendly face.
H wished me Happy Christmas text which I ignored and when it came to New Year I sent him a happy new year text, perhaps becasue I was feeling a little lonely. He replied straight away actually with a nice text so I sent a chatty one back and he replied with a funny saying we used to have between the two of us re the cat. That was the first for a long time. Later he sent me a happy new year text when it was his time for new year. Like always now, I read nothing into anything but it was nice. I have missed him today and then I realised that it was just becasue I was a little hormonal and probably feeling a bit vulnerable in a strange place on my own. That being said, seeing all these coupls travelling together does make me miss him. Hopefully Bangkok will help wiith that.
I am having a fantastic time, he just sneaks in sometimes
I hope this isn't too full of typos. I can't read what I have written on this computer so I am writing 'blind'!
I hope everyone had a good new year and here's to a great 2010 to all the amazing people on this fantastic board!
Jx
Glad you are having to much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How beautiful and serene. I know the feeling of the couples. I have it everytime I go to Fiji and I've been there about 5 times now! Endured it and felt envious of the fun and friendship between couples. You're very young still, Julia. It will happen!!
Following along and living vicariously through your travel blog! Hope you are having a ball. Peace.
p.s. After reading that back, it did not come out the way I intended. Hope you are having the time of your life. Now, if that includes a couple of hot French guys, well...do what you need to do. Sorry, my humor gets a little off-color in the wee hours of the morning.
Hey Julia, glad you are having a brilliant time!
Wow, so NOW H emails you huh... do you think thats because you let go?? I wonder how he would react if you just ignore his texts for the next few ???
Happy New Year! xxx
(((Ali, Goldey, Cas, Michelle)))
Yes, I ignored his Christmas text, and I will n/c from now I reckon. It is interesting how once I put my foot down and took away the privilidge of 'me' he has become more responseive.
Bangkok is so much better. I met my school friend last night and it was so lovely to catch up, we are meeting tonight too. And then last night I was having a foot massage on the street and the two lads from singapore happened to walk passed so I have been sight-seeing with them today and tomorrow. i think I just needed a bit of company again :-)
It is so hot here, I fly out to Oz on Friday. Exciting!
Yay!!! What an amazing way to usher in 2010!
Did you know the guys from Singapore were going to Thailand too? What must the odds be that you would see them on a street in such a huge city as Bangkok? Bizarre!
No I didn't know, it was really random :-)I've had a great few days with company again. Being by myself if ok but I don't think I can do it for more than a week. Still, I will be back on the backpacker trail from now on in NZ.
Actually, a potential opportunity has presented itself. I was out with my friend H last night and she is teaching English over here. She suggested that in April there would be some job vancancies at her place and asked if I wanted one for a year and we would share a flat. Well, I am seriously considering it really. I have been thinking a lot that it is time to move on from my job any way and I have no other ties in London other than my cat and the house.
Well, I think I can organise something for the cat (although I would miss her terribly) and the house isn't too much of an issue. It just seems like a great opportunity and I think me and H would get on very well together over here. Bangkok is a great jumping off point for Asia also, so... I don't know. I am *very* tempted.
The opportunity sounds perfect; it creates space, gives you a change from your current employment, provides insight into the Thai culture and the perfect base for more Asian travel (and Aus/NZ/ Oceanic)Having a friend and accommodation is the icing on the cake. It sounds wonderful imo.
That sounds like a marvelous opportunity Julia. What an interesting way to spend a year!
Oooh! You are just getting all sorts of opportunities!
Wow! It sounds like you are having quite a trip, (((((Julia)))))!
So glad that everything is going so well! Keep enjoying yourself. The teaching thing sounds as if it has potential. there is no better time in your life than now to do it.
hugs, kat
Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you are still having an incredible time.
kat
Ugh, ugh, ugh!
*Warning huge vent ahead*
I got back from my trip to a letter from my solicitor. I thought it would either be there or not, and I decided both of which would be as bad as each other for different reasons but it seems he has signed the papers so that is it. The thing is though is that he is refusing to pay costs as he says that the adultery occurred after the marriage had broken down. Even so he was the one that walked out on me with no explanation than his priorities had changed and he wanted to spend all his time on his new job and with his new friends. We all know what that means and even if there was no overlap she was around pretty damn soon after if that was the case, like a month or so and they were definitely 'friends' before. He was the one that left; he should be doing the decent thing, taking responsibility like a man. He was the one that walked out and never looked back, I could list so many reasons why he should be doing this but I know it is fruitless. Seriously, I would be so interested in hearing what he thinks happened that summer - the re-writing of history part.
I felt so done when I read that letter, I despise so much of what he stands for these days. I could have been so much harsher with him in terms of money, having a go at him and making his life miserable. Instead I extended the hand of friendship and he walks all over me.
Receiving this has made me even more convinced that going to Thailand for the year is the right thing to do, in fact there has barely been any doubt since my friend first suggested it. I went straight out to the estate agents and I can give up my house now if I want to, all I have to do is make arrangements for the cat somehow but I'm pretty sure I will find a way. I just don't want to be here, I don't want to go back to that job that gives me so much time to dwell and stew and I really think that flat sharing with someone and having a complete change of scene will do me the world of good. Just these few weeks have.
I'll write more about my travels soon. I had so much fun; I just had to get this out of my system first. That is why I love this place. Still, it'll be all over soon and it'll be chalked up to past. I can't believe I spent time missing that man over New Year.
On the plus side the cat has taken to sh!tting on the door mat while I have been away and she had done her business all over that letter. Nice one imo Maple.
Enough of a brain purge :-) I can't wait for this to be over with now. I don’t know what I should do really, fight it (probably not worth it), have a conversation with him about it (which would probably throw up a lot of r stuff and be very difficult but perhaps worth it), or just pay the half and be done. I guess I’ll have to think. Ugh, more thinking and about him, what a waste of time. Perhaps when I'm not jet-lagged and emotional. It did make me cry though, really hard. That is a good thing, unusual for me. Coming home to that was a shot.
(((Julia)))
Its okay to cry, it purges the bad emotions, cleans the soul and makes way for better emotions to come.
48 hour rule...if you do decide to confront wait and think first about what you will say. That way it is constructive, and you won't say something you regret.
Purge away...that's what we all do!!!
Absolutely wait at least 48 hours before taking any action. If it still seems like a good idea then do it.
I know, I'm too well DB trained to react
I was just getting my anger out here. It was so horrid to return too.
Just to prove why I don't talk to family and friends about any of this my eldest sisters comment last night.
'Yes, you must feel very embarrassed (about getting divorced) especially after that big wedding.'
My Mum and her bring that up really quite regularly, the fact that in their opinion I had a big wedding. There were only 60 people and it was in H's parents back garden with a bbq. Plus the fact that I planned it and it really was my perfect day. Sigh!
My sister isn't known for her self-awareness but still, wow!
WOW! That is pretty thoughtless of her. She thinks you should have stayed M'd to a man that left you for another woman to save face? GAG! Here, if this makes you feel any better.....there were 230 people at my wedding, full festivities before and after, huge reception, etc.. Feel any better now?
I haven't had a chance to go surf through your fb...have you posted more pics?
Have you thought of a good comeback yet to put her in her place? How insensitive!
I have to admit my dad has done similar stuff to me and I finally found my voice and told him how much it hurt. It didn't stop it completely but it helped.
I would have ran away from all of this if I had the chance. Gone somewhere new and started over. Not easy to do with 4 kids. I hope you can go because you are at a place where you want to explore and not just to "get away" from the hurt. Can't wait to hear about your trip.
hugs, kat
Kat, I would have gladly picked up and moved somewhere else away from the drama to start over if I hadn't had all of these responsibilities and obligations. I hear ya sister!
Julia, I'm so excited for you and all the possibilities in building a new life and new experiences. Go and conquer (ok....I can't spell today and that is so NOT right!)the world Julia!!!!!!
It'll be both really exploring and healing. Getting away from all the reminders will really help as well as not being tempted to get involved in the drama again as I will be physically unable. Also, a different scene will do me good. But also this is an opportunity and they don't come along that often that I want to grasp. Bangkok is such a great jumping off point for SE Asia and I think it will be an amazing experience. I am lucky in that my responsibillities are minimal and I can do it. I really appreciate that!
That's a depressing reality check to come home to. GO Maple!
I love that Thailand is still an option. That does sound like a fantastic opportunity.
Glad you have a great trip! Too bad we missed each other in So Cal!
Thanks Michelle!
Photos of my trip up on FB...
Thanks Mishka!
Sigh, so last night I got a text from h just 'dropping me a line to say hello' and asking me if I was back and hoping that I was having a lovely time.
Man, what a mind f"ck! Is there two different people in one body? This is why it has always been so confusing, nice h vs. yob h.
I hate that...one minute they are asking you how you are, and the next...being total jerk offs.
Split personalities?????
Bipolar?
Ya know, my XH accused me of both. When I told my sister that (she's a nurse), she laughed hysterically and said maybe he was projecting.
Loved your pictures! What a beautiful part of the world. I may just have to hop over there some time. I am really proud of you for doing your adventure. You are a girl after my own heart.
kat
Welcome home from your trip Julia!
I'm going to have to take a peek at your photos in the alt.
My H is bipolar too!
It would be so much easier if they were jerks ALL the time.
Hugs,
W2G
Those pics are awesome!!!!
I'm so pleased you all liked the pics, I had such a fantastic time. And a big hello W2G, I've missed you round here!
I've had my last session with Jody and she said some really helpful/ interesting things that I thought y'all may be interested in. In fact it has really helped me in coming to terms with what has happened and the fact I am getting divorced.
She asked me how I would be feeling now if we were still together and he was acting in the way he has been? - the constant being at work and obsession with work, the heavy drinking, the rude/ loud/ annoying behaviour and selfishness (my descriptions not hers, of course she didn't cast aspersions). In fact he was very much like that before he left and I was absolutely miserable and I still would be if I was in that situation. She said he clearly has needed to get this stuff out of his system and the nicest thing he has done for me is to not drag me into where he has gone. That he can not delay gratification for himself and cannot say no and that I would never have been able to set boundaries on that behaviour. He couldn't stay because there was no way that he could act out that behaviour and be with me.
She said that had we stayed together and he had continued down the path that he has chosen there would not have been good feeling between us in fact there would have been a lot of bad feeling and there is no way that we could have stayed friends. The situation that I am in now is that there is a lot of positive feeling towards each other (to the extent that we care about each other and even buy presents for each other etc.) and this means that I can move forward with a clean slate rather than holding onto bad feelings.
She also said that this process was much more about him than me being a horrible or bad wife (which is what I have always struggled with) and that the Chron's had had a big impact on his life and life choices.
Reframing it in this way, which is totally different to my feeling like a bad person because I am getting divorced has helped me so much. I would have absolutely hated bad feeling between us and that would have been very hard to live with.
So, I am going to have to have the conversation about the fees for the divorce with him and I know what I am going to say. Roughly - initially I ticked that he should pay the costs because none of this is anything I have initiated. And that to me it is semantics whether he got involved with another woman 6 weeks before or six weeks after he left because at the time we were still married. However, I need to sort it out because of the timing as I am going to be out of the country for a year or more so I am willing to pay half.
Hey Julia, It's been awhile for me. Thanks for the insight of Jody. I totally agree & have felt that way about my own sitch for a long time. It brings some sort of peace to all of this.
Wonderful to hear you had a fantastic time on your vacation!
Thanks for stopping by Julia. Yes, I am a bit in shock but I knew it would be about a year after he told me. Maybe it was harder to see after we had a decent chat just a couple of days before...
Hope you are doing well. Loved all of your pictures!
kat
Ms M! I was wondering about you the other day. How are you?
Kat, you know whenever I see anything to do with ow it always just feels like an invasion to me and also rubs salt in the wound.
Well, today I found out that I got the job in Bangkok. I start on the 19th April. I would have preferred an extra month as I was going to move back to my parents and save my last month’s salary but hey ho. Money will just have to be tight. I'm so excited and this just feels so right.
I asked h to meet this week. He got back to me pretty quickly actually but still pinning him down on a day is still a challenge. Hopefully after this meeting that'll be us sorted, but I am learning that every time I think that something else throws itself up. I tell you though, when I am on that plane to Thailand leaving my stresses behind (probably to swap for a load of new stresses
) life will feel good I hope.
CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Congrats Julia!!! Maybe that's where we should all meet!!
K
I have never been outside of North America...that would be an amazing trip/reunion!
Funny I always say reunion even though I haven't actually MET any of you before...
The new job sounds like such an exciting adventure!
Does your H know about it? Wasn't sure if I had read anything about that or not. Good luck on your meeting with him, hopefully things won't be prolonged for you more than they already have been...
WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Awesome Julia! Congratulations!
Thanks Guys, I am still so excited.
I hand in my notice for my house today and next week will hand in my notice for my job - scary!!! Also, I'm really scared that they are going to be cross with me - that is irrational and I guess it doesn't matter even if they are but still. They will be stuck as I am the only employee.
My only issue is Maple at the moment. It is so hard trying to find foster parents (!) for her. I haven't exhausted all options yet though. I am going to miss her especially as she was all cute yesterday
There are still no firm arrangements with h so I sent him a reminder text. I haven't told him yet as I was going to do it when we meet up. I think he will be very shocked - although if he ever looks at my FB page he will get clues. Last time I suggested that I might go travelling for a year he looked gutted. Perhaps he should have thought of that before he left me. Let's hope he gets his act together for tomorrow night as I really want to sort this out.
So many people are really sad to see me go but at the same time so happy. I can't wait to throw my leaving party but also to get away from this cold weather. It was snowing *again* this morning.
(((((Julia)))))
What an adventure! If i was in England, I would watch Maple for you!
Ah Jeff, thank you
I appreciate that!
You can't take her with you without having to bring her back through quarantine, can you? And I don't think I'd want to do that to any animal.
Would it be possible for you to sub-let your house and have that person watch Maple? I know my Danish sister did that when she went off to London. Just a thought.
hugs, kat
Good luck with finding a home for sweet Maple!
Sorta random, but have you thought about asking H? He seems to miss her and all...
I'm sure he will be shocked, in a good way! You are taking an amazing opportunity here!
Great minds think alike Michelle! I was just thinking that. Ask him to watch Maple. It's the VERY least he could do for you after all this crap!
Must be the name
I thought of sub-letting - unfortunately no one I know can afford the rent. Also, when I come home I won't have a job so paying this rent will be a huge responsibility I don't know if I can meet.
I have been thinking about h, he knows her foibles and loves her very much and would look after her well. It is just it wouldn't be just h looking after her. I thought about it and at first I thought 'over my dead body' - it would feel like ow would have completely taken over my life and the thought of Maple being nice to her/ sleeping on their bed etc was too much. And then I thought about the fact that ow would have to be shovelling my cat's sh!t and that kinda made me smile.
The last thing I thought, which seemed to be the best thing really, was that actually she was welcome to my old life as I'm moving onto bigger and better things.
In essence (!!) I am feeling better about Mapes going to them if needs be. And Jeff you are right quarantine and aeroplanes etc would be too cruel for her, she is very nervy (except when listening to Faure’s Requiem and being stroked on her terms on the bed!!
)
So, unless he did get a cat - which I'm pretty sure I would have heard about - h may be a possibility.
Speak of the devil... just arranged with h to meet on Friday lunchtime. I feel nervous! I have some challenging things to bring up. *takes some deep breaths*
You can do it!!!!!!
And I laughed so hard about OW shoveling sh!t. Perfect!
Isn't it just
Charlotte didn't like the place rides that got her from Germany to Tucson (or the car/ferry ride that got her from England to Germany, for that matter), but she forgave pretty quickly. Quarantine, on the other hand, I just couldn't do that.
OW shoveling sh!t....now there is a pretty picture.
LOL!
Trust me, it's no better when it's ow interacting with your child. Animals are so extra sensitive though and maybe Maple will try to scratch her eyes out knowing that she's one of the reasons her home was changed.
Just a thought.......
I just had this funny vision in my head of Maple hanging from all four paws from ow's face in the classic scaredy cat pose....LOL!
Lol Mishka, that's so funny!
I was thinking about the children thing, that if I felt this strongly about a cat how would I feel about children?!
I reckon I could get Maple a pet passport but I think she'd be pretty miserable all the same. It wouldn't be a kind thing to take her over there.
Keep your fingers crossed for me for Friday lunchtime.
Deep breaths!! For some reason I am incredibly nervous. Just getting that out here instead of stewing on it internally. My stomach is doing flips.
However it seems I look good as I have got a few comments this morning. Black/ grey patterned capri pants/ trousers, black top with subtle lace vest and red bra strap that you can see at certain angles and some cute heels. Not that it really makes a difference as he never seems to notice sigh... Oh well, it shouldn't really be an issue for much longer.
45 mins to go. I am armed with all the solicitor information.
Hey Julia.. GOOD LUCK! Why are you nervous?? I totally agree that it is morally the right thing for him to do, to pay all the costs. I guess legally, perhaps he isnt obliged to, because of the technicallity that he didnt leave the M for her.. but thats not the point right? So look him in the eye and appeal to his better nature and you know what.. screw dbing mentality (I know you said you were too practised already).. but all you can do is BE HONEST. Heck, tell him you cant wait to get on that plane and put all this hurt and shame behind you that you were a bad wife. Say the things you never did before.. that you never wanted this and it was HIS choice to leave and then start an R within weeks of leaving WHILST still being M.. and that therefore, could he just not be an *rsehole one last time and pay for this D !!??? Ha.
But yes, pay half if necessary, if he refuses. Its only money right and you know you wouldnt have treated him the way he is treating you.
As for Thailand.. WOW !!!! THat is so amazing, I am so happy for you!
Al xxx
Well, that's over. I feel wrecked; I was so nervous and pent up. I just find it so incredibly difficult to talk about this divorce.
We met up and had a nice lunch. I told him about Thailand and he was very pleased and excited for me. He is happy to have the cat and said yes straight away (ow has no input then?! If I got lumbered with a cat for a year, I'd want to know about it first...). We had a general chit chat; he said how tired he was. He talked about his *rsehole friends and how they were all getting engaged now. One of them he talked about I said 'oh yeah, wasn't that the guy that used to cough blood?' and he laughed and said yes. Nice! So I may have the bombshell that he's engaged to look forward to but hopefully I will be too wrapped up in my new life by then.
When we left the restaurant I asked if we could go for a quick walk to talk about the divorce. He looked shocked and said yes. I ended up tearful as I knew I would be because I always am when I talk about it - hence never talking about it. And he suggested we go to his car.
I explained the situation. He looked shocked and said that wasn't what he intended at all. That he had been to a solicitor with help on the form and she had filled it in without him being there. She had told him my solicitors would be charging thousands. Anyway, I explained that the reason that I had asked him to pay the costs was that I had never initiated or wanted any of this and still didn't. He reached for my hand and looked a bit upset and crushed. We ended up hugging which I broke out of. Of course he didn't change his mind about it or vocalise that he didn't want this, so I guess that was his chance if he was ever going to. He said he would pay the rest of the fees (about £700) as I had already paid the £300.00 court fee. So that is settled. He drove me back to my office and looked his lovely, kind, old self as I got out of the car.
I've come back to my work and am just sitting in my little office crying now. I know I have so much to look forward to with Thailand etc, but this it is just so horrible and I never wanted to be divorced. I have to accept the fact that he is clearly happy in his new life so I have to make myself a happy new life, which I am doing.
At least the cat is going to a good home. Oh and he had bought me a funny book about cats as a Christmas present, I gave him a boomerang.
This is all so deeply painful for me.
Al – thank you reading your words helped me so much before I went!
(((((Julia)))))
I'm glad Maple will be well taken care of! It will be nice to not have to be worried about her.
I know you don't want to be divorced, but look at it from the other angle.... do you want to be married to him? As he is now, and has been for years? I think your year abroad will give you a good chance to start fresh when you get back home. Back at the top of your game, confident, and ready to take on the world!
HUGS!
Thanks Jeff, I know he'll take very good care of her.
I know you are right. Already being away those 5 weeks did me so much good. I am in such a better place and I don't have to face any of this again. I will even not receive the divorce papers as they are going to my sisters address, so I won't have to see any of it. I don't need to, I know it is all over. He seems happy in his new life and I have to accept that.
And you are right, he is what he has been for years. Even when we were together. I remembered the other day that he acted like that at university, annoyed his tutors so much that they found a loophole to give his 3rd degree honours even though he actually achieved a 1st. I guess it is all his choices and my rose-coloured glasses are off!
Hey ((Julia)), I'm sorry that you are still struggling with the emotions of getting D. The guilt to overcome that is very difficult (for both sides I imagine). I struggle w/that myself at times. It does not mean YOU are a failure (or myself for that matter). Through all of this I've come to realize, that 2 people, 2 minds, with emotions, thoughts & desires - well it takes A LOT of work, on both sides for them to stay together. I don't know, it's difficult for me to put into words - what I want to say. M is just not as easy & harmonious as we think or are led to believe. Now, if we M robots - maybe!
AS for myself, I am well. In Dec I lost my baby kitty of 17yrs. We fought her kidney disease for 11yrs. I do miss her, yet I am thankful for the time we spent together & in knowing she had a good life. Strange how I cried for her, but not for my xh or the loss of my M. No contact from my xh since Oct - but that's ok. (Shrug) - not much I can do about that. I'm focusing on what I need to change in myself & move forward. I am writing some poetry again & an old friend of mine has written me. We will see if he / we continue to write.
Good to hear you have found a possible home for Maple. And Congrats on your new job in Thailand!!!
Remember the happiness we will find is always hidden inside.
TExt convo with h
H - 'I'm sorry for making you so sad'
Me - 'Thank you, I appreciate you saying that. I have accepted all of this. It is just very sad for me and I find it very hard to talk about. I guess life is all about plan b now - whatever that may be. I'll be ok, you know me I have too much stubborn determination not to be. I'm just glad we are still friends out of this and it didn't go a different way.'
H - 'Me too. I still feel very sad and sorry for what I've put you through, every day I think about it in some way. But it means a lot to me that we can still be friends. Like I said I'd find it very hard never to see you or talk to you again. I really hope the Thailand thing is a success'
I haven't replied, I'm at a loss as to what to say.
Julia it is hard, I agree. Letting go is the best thing you can do right now. Live your life for you and then everything will start to fall into place.
So I suppose the meeting went well even though he didn't jump up and say he wanted to stay married. He has moved on with the hopes you can be friends. I don't know that I am a big enough person to even think about being friends with my ex bbecause really you don't treat your friends the way he treated me.
You have so much to look forward to. Your adventure is just about to begin.
kat
Julia,
Amazing I finally know your name. Just stopping in to say hello. Haven't been here in a while. But you must know, my H doesn't even want to be friends. So, think of the positive. My divorce is coming - I see no way to be friends with a man who (like Kat said) treats me like a stranger/nonfriend. We are working on getting mediation set.
Are you in the FB group, on the other "universe?"
poet
Well, glad he agreed to pay some costs! That's a victory for sure!
It's such a rollercoaster. Hang in there.
SO glad Maple will be well taken care of!
(((Julia)))
Michelle, it is good that he is paying a larger share of the costs and *so* good that Maple will be taken care of. It is also good that we are friends too Poet, it took a lot of hard work to get there and I am proud of that. In fact I was packing some stuff away and I found a list of goals that I had made to see recognise when H would finally not be pulling away from me and I actually reached most of them.
Kat, you are right that it was a positive meeting. I lost sight of that. I had no expectation that he would voice that he wanted to stay married, in fact it hadn't crossed my mind but somewhere during our conversation I think I hoped he would which is why I was upset.
MsM, I'm so sorry about your cat
Great news about the poetry and I hope things go well with your old friend.
Saturday I went to a great party with Lisa, it was 40's glamour. So we got our hair and makeup done, it was a very girly afternoon and then we went out with a group of us in the evening for a meal. It was a great antidote to h stress and it was so nice to feel so glamorous. I have learnt some great make up tips! Nothing like a bit of pampering to help me when I feel down eh.
Good for you going out with Lisa. She sounds like an absolute gas to hang with. I've never heard of a 40's glamour party but I'm sure it was a blast!
The meeting with H sounds like it went well. You solved your need for a place for Maple, you layed things out in front of H that you had held back, and you got an apology out of him. That sounds like a triple win for Julia!!! YEA!!!!
So how is Lisa? What's she doing? Did she catch the CEO? Did she have new socks?
(((((Julia)))))
That sounds like a fun party! So glad you are hanging out with Lisa. Always nice to meet great people.
Lisa and I usually hang out every week in one way or another. We have lots of fun! She's fine, CEO is... CEO
A great by product of this place, a brilliant friend.
Well, I signed the affidavit today. I had to make an oath on the bible that the contents of the divorce petition were true. Actually it flashed across my mind that I was lying as it states the adultery started in November 2008, that was just when they moved in together should I need to 'prove' it. Still, I guess it doesn't matter.
It is quite a process this. I think I have to wait now for the Decree Nisi, then 3 months to change our mind and then the Decree Absolute, then 6 weeks again after that if we want to change our mind. In a way it is good that they make sure that you are really sure but on the other hand it draws things out even more. Still, I'll be in Thailand.
I got a text from h today to let me know that he had sent the letter to the solicitor saying that he would pay the remaining costs.
I'm chilling out this evening trying to get over the inevitable cold I get when dealing with this stuff.
My goodness, that is quite a process. You are right, at least they make triple sure that this is what you really want because once it's done........it's done.
Relax, recoup, and recover! Chicken soup and a hot toddy usually do the trick.
Hope you feel better. I am dealing with all 4 kids sick, with one on the mend. Not fun. Maybe I should buy stock in Kleenex...
kat
Oh Julia how are you??? I know it must mean you are doing well if you aren't posting but heck sometimes it is just fun.
kat
Hey Kat
Actually today I've had the worst food poisoning I've ever had. Very unpleasant! I'm feeling a little better but still in quite a lot of stomach pain. I did just manage to eat some dry toast.
Other than that, I'm really good. I handed in my notice at my job yesterday (over lunch that gave me the food poisoning!) and am just enjoying spending some QT with Maple (as I have no money for a social life) and waiting to go away. Actually I was supposed to be going out tonight and had been looking forward to it all week. Oh well, I shall just have to watch Johnny Depp being interviewed on my fav chat show instead.
Hoping I keep this toast down! Sorry for the tmi
Ugh! I hope you feel better soon. I had food poisoning once and I had to call my Mom to watch the baby I was so sick. 16 years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday.
Get some rest and maybe it's your turn for tea.
hugs, kat
Thanks Kat
Well hopefully it wasn't intentional on the company's part since you were handing in your resignation! Sorry you are going through that.
I had my own food poisoning experience and the memory does stay with you a very, very long time. I absolutely thought I was going to die. It was over some bad salmon - it was literally years before I could even think about eating salmon again. For the longest time I couldn't even smell the stuff much less eat it. Hope you are better soon! Saltine crackers are helpful as well as toast.
BA
OMG Julia! I'm so sorry you have food poisoning. That is the worst experience!!! I got sick once on calamari....BAD!!!
Funny thing BA! I was thinking the same thing about them doing that to her. It's a charity though and that would just be super bad. LOL!
Feel better sweetie! I hope you keep that toast down.
Thanks guys
Lol, ouch except I can't laugh it hurts!! I think I was already eating the offending item when I said it
They took the resignation pretty well considering I am the only employee and they are a bit stuffed. My Chairman asked what he could do to make me stay, I replied nothing
I don't think anything beats Thailand.
It seems seafood is the theme. I think it was either calamari or haddock that did it. I did properly think I was dying in the middle of the night and this morning.
Oh gosh........squid are out to get us apparently!!!
Gee I wonder if everyone got sick and no one was at work there today! Sorry we are closed due to the squid we ate yesterday, try back Monday!! LOL
kat
Hope you are feeling better today!
hugs, kat
Hi
Kat, yes today is the first day that I feel much better and actually have an appetite. It is a beautiful day here and the sun is shineing, the Spring flowers are starting to peep through and yet, I cannot wait to leave for Thailand
In other news, my charity has decided to fold. Obviously they cannot survive without me
No, it is probably for the best. As we are losing the office space, I have 'done' all the work and nothing has happened for ages it seems for the best. It also looks better on my CV too rather than just saying that I left.
I have a date on Friday, should be nice. I've known him for a while, I don't think it'll be anything lasting or special but I think it'll be a fun night.
Glad that you are feeling better today. What a bad weekend. I suppose it was good the way things worked with the charity. How soon do you leave for Thailand?
kat
Around April 13th. TIme is dragging...
I can imagine it would seem like eternity now that you are ready to go. Of course, when 13APR comes around you may be looking at it like, "WOW! Already? Time flew by!"
I'm always curious how people handle moving long term to another country. What do you do with all of furniture and belongings you don't need to take with you? Do you ship things in advance or go with basically your couple of suitcases and a smile?
Well I'm taking my backpack and a smile
lol. I don't really need much and I can always buy stuff out there as it isn't expensive.
My stuff is being taken up to my eldest sisters garage which she is kindly letting me have the use of. Half my stuff is already there as I moved from a 3 bed house to my matchbox last summer so it is just the fridge and washing machine and a few tables and stuff. Luckily her boiler is out there so it is quite dry. So long as her boys bikes fit in there she doesn't mind which is cool because when I looked into the cost of storage in London it was £70 a week!!!!
I think it is dragging because I am bored because work is so slow and I can't go out because of lack of money. Sorry for whinging
Eek! That's expensive! I was paying about that per MONTH here.
It's hard to stay focused and engaged in the day to day life with such an adventure coming up!
Oh, the old lack of funds argument......
Just over a month to go....you'll make it!
Wow thats so great that your life is now moving along like this. Who'd have thought hey, that you would end up making such a huge exciting life change as MOVING to Thailand for a year !?? And to teach right? I'm so happy for you. Of course it doesnt make up for the hurt and disappointment of what H did to you. Its too soon to reflect hey, but I guess you can suspect that you will see that your life took a more interesting turn, as a consequence of something you had no choice over. And you gave up that job that you were stagnating in, which is cool too. Are you anywhere near 28/29? Thats the Saturn Return time, when we often chuck in our jobs for a new career/go back to college or generally just change the direction of our lives (and yes, many R's that started in the early 20's can break up at this time).
Hugs to you, Al xxx
I'm 28 and a half Al, so that sounds about right
I'll read up on it, thank you.
Argh, it's so hard to be here. I literally can't keep still. Luckily I'm meeting my friend for a long lunch so that should help...
I'm also feeling quite zen at the moment about h stuff. Everything just all seems ok and I feel on the right track. Of course now I've written that I've probably jinxed it but for however long it lasts I'm just enjoying it. And it is so nice not to be tormenting myself constantly for the first time in 2 and a half years
Enjoy the long lunch. I hope the weather is good enough for you today that you can include a nice long walk with it. That always seems to help with my fidgeting.
Enjoy my dear! Lunch and now obsessing about H. It's great to have those moments of freedom, both mentally and physically!
It is so freeing Michelle!
Lunch was great although, not surprisingly I ended up paying as I always do with her. Sigh! The weather was beautiful today Mish, although still very cold. The crocuses and snow drops are out now and it is lovely. Spring is my most favourite time of year!
Next time when they come to take your order, say that this will be on two checks please. Maybe she doesn't realize this bothers you even a little bit. If we want others to change we have to change first i.e. the way we handle the situation.
kat
Just a quick observation. Today my friend told me about this couple that are having typical marriage problems (totally fixable but they are considering splitting up) and they are going to Relate (a charity that runs marriage counseling here in the UK) and they are putting their trust into a random stranger that they know nothing about to fix their problems without doing a single bit of research. None of the couples that I know that have been to Relate have saved their marriage as it is very much 'explore your feelings' etc.
Sigh, isn't hindsight a wonderful gift
Maybe you could have your friend pass on info about DB? Such a waste to throw time/love/trust etc in the can over something that could be overcome. We aren't teens anymore after all.
kat
Yes, find a way to slide the DB info through your friend. It couldn't hurt.
Yes....hindsight is 20/20 isn't it?
I watch couples interact in a totally different way now. It's an extreme effort not to open my mouth!!
Oh, I know I zip it so much observing the way other people treat each other in r's. There are so many patterns people fall into and they mistake passing feelings for reality. Honestly I reckon the next man who deserves me is going to be real lucky
hee hee.
I kind of do try to slip in about DB but unless people are open to it, it is hard. People just think they know what is right and it isn't until they face a crisis that they are willing to change or see another way of doing things.
I just think that whatever they are feeling now, it is nothing to what they will feel if they do split, for both parties - the WAS and the LBS. There is nothing worse, especially when you realise that there are no real reasons. And also especially if there is another person involved, which I don't think there is here, but I have a friend who is ow at the moment and I say to her 'you are novel not special, all r's get old no matter what you think now'. She thinks she is special and I am a cynic - hmmmmm...
Ok, rant over!
Hey guys,
I have started a new thread over in Surviving.
Here it is,
The world is my stage See you over there!