Finding it impossible to get my former login name & posts back after a friend "helped" me clean out my computer, I'm back with a new alias.
In short, I spent over two yrs faux dating, using my new found R skills & basically getting on & off the merry-go-round while my H kept his affair going steadily.
We are now 6 wks away from a D date & full swing into negotiations both w/financial & Child visitation.
About 3 weeks ago he asked if I'd be interested in counseling, after finding out that while we're still pro per, I have a hard hitting attorney backing me & ready to go.
Last week, I had meeting w/ attorney where I found out just how deep H is going to have to go to call it a day.
Add to that the fact that I met someone beyond H's expectations (gotta watch those, both ways)the day after I decided to let go.
So, I laid it all out for H & got another attempt @ "Maybe be should just forget this whole thing."
I do believe he's still with OW (3 yrs) & she of course doesn't know of his attempts.
As I told you... When you showed her you let go and when you showed her that there may be someone else in the picture that could possibly pull you away from her... Is when the tide began to turn....@Gucci loafer
The tide has turned, I just don't know if I want to stop the train. So far I haven't answered any of his attempts, except with "It's too late."
Don't know if he believes me. Don't know if I believe me.
Sunny
I was here yrs ago when my m was failing. exh had ow. After his r with ow ended, he finally looked at the wreck he had created and woke up. He was deeply remorseful, regretted what he'd put me thru, missed me & dd terribly. Wanted reconciliation... AFTER the D. I thought I would have given limbs for this chance But handed the opportunity, I surprised myself and declined. We all have a point of no return. I could not go back. I did explore the possibility a bit b4 realizing I just didn't have it in me to begin the process, I'd lost the desire to do the work. I admire & respect people here who DB & don't lose faith even after years. But I guess I don't have that much patience in the end.
It seems you may be there. ? Only you know. If you're considering it, he needs to know it's your way or no way. After what he's put you & the m thru. Ow is out of picture for good or it's off the table, don't you agree?
I shouldn't encourage or advise you toward any decision since I don't know your situation. Just commenting on the sense I have about your post.
Tell us more. Do you love him? Do you think he's making a cognitive decsion to return to m?
Hey Ms. Sunny!
*hugs* It's great to see you again.
It's taken a long time to get where you are, to have this momentum and frame of mind.
Actions speak louder than words. If he's sincere, state your boundaries and deal breakers, expectations. Promise only what you can which might not be more than "you can try but I can't guarantee anything".
Being honest with yourself in a relationship is crucial. Ask yourself what you want. If you have a smidge of doubt about divorcing him, consider putting forth your requirements for you to even consider friendship with him. If he's unwilling to meet them, you have your answer. If he does, then he's working on being a friend. He earns the right to be trusted, as you continue living your life.
This may be a tough proposal for your new guy. But being true to yourself.. the sunny you within.. is at the core of all you do. Take time away from their voices, walk, talk to trusted friends, counselors, clergy.. etc.. and decide what is best for you, best for your children.
You are a beautiful person.. inside and out.
*hugs*
@rinserepeat-thanks for the recap on your experience & comments. It seems to be an all too common pattern w/WAS's when they sense you're serious about moving on happily w/out them. Too bad the LBS is sometimes not able to get to this point until it's @ a point of no return.
Mine was a hard nut to crack, so to speak, & no amount of pretending to move on that wasn't entirely real was going to get him to budge. Part of that is prolly due to his making boatloads of $ & believing I couldn't/wouldn't leave that, find someone as handsome as him, or give up on having an intact family.
He may have calculated himself right out of a marriage & into paying heavily to support us in the family home w/him watching from the sidelines.
Moral of the story, drop that stink'n rope sooner rather than later.
On Sunday, when I was laying out what is going to happen if we don't come together on an acceptable (to me)agreement financially, he started with the WAS script talk; "I regret everything I have done & the way I have done it, but, you didn't give me an honorable way back in b/c you kept coming to my house."
I went to his place 2 times in 2 1/2 yrs for a total of maybe 10 minutes. Still not ready to get rid of the "but" & take responsibility.
Hey Ms. Gypsy, couldn't type that w/out thinking of the letter you received with the passive/aggressive crossed out Mrs.
I'm afraid to give him any opening, even on a friendship basis, until he gets back to me w/counter proposal.
So, he freely admits that the price he's going to have to pay has something to do w/his desire to stop the D. Along w/the fact that he still loves me, blah, blah, blah. If he had it to do over again, he would never have done the dishonorable thing he's done.
I'm going to have a couple of weeks to sit on it, as he just dropped off S6, & leaves for another extreme sport competition in the morning. He was as friendly as is possible, making it difficult not to respond in kind.
And that's the hard part, we have always enjoyed each other, and then I think of how that wasn't enough to keep him from choosing OW & leaving.
You would think that new guy had a good amt of experience with DB'ing, because he sure is clued in on how to make the best of time together in every way. He has given me a heads up that if I add anyone else into our R, it's a deal breaker for him.
I did ask H b/f he left this morning if he had completed the new offer. "Ah, no, it's not likely, it's a lot to think about & I do have a lot of work today."
Looks like a way of putting my attorney off for the time being.
Sunny
Hi Sunny,
stick to the new guy.
Hugs
K
On second thought, I'd go with Kalni's suggestion! Why keep sticking a fork in you to see if you're done (even when well meaning folks (gulp) suggest it?
*hugs*
@Kalni "...stick to the new guy."
I'm going to continue seeing new guy & enjoying his company at the same time admitting I can fully understand what happens when someone is added to the mix. It definitely muddies up the water for any thought of R the M.
Although I personally find Dr. Laura hard to take, she hits the nail on the head regarding infidelity & the mess it creates in it's wake;
"If it isn't a lover who won't let go, then it's a pregnancy, attempted suicide, extortion, sexually transmitted disease, public humiliation for your spouse & children, disruption of generations of family ties, legal & financial battles, demoralization of your children & the loss of their foundation of safety, trust, & respect for you & for marriage. It's dirty, face it."
I can see the realization in my H, whose hair is now turning grey @ a rapid pace, that he failed to grasp what his choices would entail.
I do appreciate your thoughts Gypsy, as I appreciate all responses here. I'm able to process & come to my own choices on how to proceed, it's one of my strong points.
I have learned not to do anything quickly, most everything benefits from allowing time & consideration.
H left a vm b/f leaving town that he was really working hard to do discovery(?) & get back to me w/an another offer, but it's not going to happen until prolly a week after he returns in 2 weeks.
Pretty predictable stalling maneuver.
Take Care,
Sunny
I stuck to the "new" guy when my exh attempted to reconcile. Now i'm on the boards over the new guy! LOL. Life is funny. No regrets whatsoever tho. I was confused for a minute, but after all exh put me through, I preferred the unknown to the potential for more of his bad choices. Oh only 1 regret, I was all too willing to take nothing in the d, thought it wouldn't matter cuz we would get back together soon enough anyway. He walked away nearly free. Looks like you're doing a better job of looking out for yourself than I did.
You're so right about the myriad of consequences that result from some poor decisions.
Time & thoughtful consideration is a great approach to most everything, esp. these situations. I like the expression, Time tells All Things.
Seems you have a few wks of waiting time before the next move.
Good luck
Hey Ms. Sunny...
*hugs*
"he was really working hard to do discovery(?)"
Discovery refers to the written request your lawyer sends out for the other party to answer truthfully usually revolving around spending and financial assets/liabilities. It can be a basic financial affidavit or require exhaustive information going back five years in hard copy. The parties are given about a month or so to compile the data.
Your lawyer or paralegal can explain it better.
*hugs*
Good Morning Ms. Gypsy,
"he was really working hard to do discovery(?)"
Sorry I didn't express that well, the question mark was actually referring to him doing his own discovery regarding our financial lives together, & using that to determine if the amt. I'm requesting hits the mark.
In other words, it's yet more #'s from him to me that won't be submitted legally. My attorney has had some pretty good laughs at some that he's given me so far. (25% of 25% & 50% of 50% for community property.) I've already expressed to him that he will be required to submit to the courts if we don't reach an agreement beforehand, I just want the bottom line right now.
We will be going to court re;child visitation, as he would now like to have S6 enough for him to qualify as head of household filing status for tax purposes. He actually put that in writing to me...further proof there was an abduction <;)
Unfortunately for him, I documented every hour he spent with his son since 4/23/07 & every trip taken since that time, & it isn't pretty. Although I know they don't care legally that he took OW on many of those trips, I included them in my documentation that I submit anyway.
Going to the beach for play dates & enjoy this incredible day.
Sunny
Hope you had a good day on the beach.
Good for you. Documentation. Very good self preservation skills you have Sunny.
It is so pathetic & sad that he wants enough time with his son to qualify for a tax break! Ouch.
Take care.
Thing's are moving right along & I'm finding myself in a confused state, bordering on panic here & there.
Now that I've expressed to H it's too late to do anything but go thru w/the D, when I get an email like I got this morning about him filing a motion for bifurcation (where the D goes thru w/out having all the financial & custody issues completed), I start to question whether I'm making the right decision.
I can see how involving another person puts pressure on following thru with what you've expressed as your desire to be done w/your M.
I'm not making any moves right now, since H is out of town until Sunday, and new guy until Monday.
It may be a case of severely cold feet on both fronts.
I've taken such a hard line now with H that it's done, I don't know anyway out that wouldn't weaken my position & show some cracks in my resolve.
Any imput would be welcome.
Sunny
Also, H is flying 4 family members out here in a couple of weeks, telling me he would like S6 to stay with all of them during that time. I don't know why I would think I would be invited to join, since we are getting a D, I do know that it triggered me in that special way by reminding me I'm no longer a member of the family.
I catch myself thinking he scheduled that on purpose, knowing it would have a desired effect. Really who knows, he may not even have considered anything deeper than wanting to spend time with them, & I really don't think it changes anything.
Sunny
edit=input
Sunny,
I've lost my mind and my advice is no good right now. BUT, CUTTING the last ties, was in my case difficult for both of us, as it seems for you The final good bye is scary and sad. As for your new friend, I know it stresses you more but it also keeps life going, no end at the end of your M, cant explain it...
love
M
Sweet Sunnyokie.....
I've taken such a hard line now with H that it's done, I don't know anyway out that wouldn't weaken my position & show some cracks in my resolve.
And that matter to you why?... That's actually a serious question...'cause I think that may help you figure out where you stand...
(It's been so long, can't even remember how to quote
And I just posted too soon....premature postalation!!!)
I've got to dash now, but I have some more thoughts on this...
Hugs and love to you...
L2
@L, Nice to hear from you, it's been a while!
@Kalni/M,Tomorrow is our scheduled Mediation, so I've been compiling documents & taking them to be filed w/the courts. Amazing how much time this sort of thing sucks out of your life!
H has decided to go for 50/50 custody which he may find difficult since I have every hour he's spent w/son documented since day of separation. I have had S6 80-90% to date.
I tried an experiment last week when new guy was out of town.
It made it appear that we were no longer spending time together, i.e., he was out of the picture.
Since H expressed his desire to R, I called & asked if he would like to come over & spend time w/us for an hour, since he hadn't seen S6 in a while, to see what the reaction would be.
H="Ah, well....I wished you had called earlier. I...ah...can't make it tonight."
It was an immediate pull back when he thought there was no competition.
Tells me everything I need to know.
Now that it's back to that shiny black car parked in front of the house when he comes for pick up, it spun right back & he's calling/emailing throughout the day with questions/information that are unnecessary.
I just don't respond.
Meanwhile, I think new guy should teach a class on how to get & keep a women's interest. I know there must be some sort of insecurity there, he just doesn't show it at all. Nice to be with someone I can laugh with & appreciates my fine points.
H showed me what he's willing to do about all his "regrets"....not much except to tell me he made a mistake & doesn't want a D. Actions are a no show.
Take Care,
Sunny
Interesting.
Actions speak louder than words. It always reveals the truth.
Hang in there. I'm glad you've got new guy. He sounds like he knows what you need and he's confident enough to handle the complications.
Ah, Mediation, such a bonding experience.
Even though H, as it turns out, paid someone to coach him, it didn't go well for him. The times when I thought he would know better than to add material that would obviously hurt his case, he just kept talking.
Afterwards he sort of stomped off, angry & shaken.
I just left him alone.
Two hours later, he calls to tell me he's a huge 'F'up & regrets what's happening. "The happier you are, the more unhappy I get."
An hour after that, see's that dam* black car here & tells me he want to come on Sunday & pick up his dishes, a car & some other items left here.
Sunday, OW drops him off, I tell him I have boxes ready for his stuff & leave him to do his thing.
So, here it comes, "Are you sure you want this? I know I don't.
I think we're making a big mistake, I was just going a long with how you're trying to push this thru."
I let him know that I'm not interested in being with someone that can't be faithful to me, show respect or care about the consequences to me or my family. Please take your thing's & go, I have to get out the door in the next hour.
When he's all loaded up, he asks if I'll at least consider what he had to say.
I tell him I'll consider it, however it doesn't look likely.
I continue on w/having my friend over & enjoying my life, noticing H's unhappiness with the situation.
Last night S6 comes home from dinner @ his place & tells me OW let him play with her dog. I let him know today that I've decided against any chance of us getting back together.
Just left me a message saying he wants to talk to me tomorrow about another financial proposal & "Oh, I think I made a poor decision last night."
He can send it to me in writing...I'm done talking.
So predictable......
Sunny
"Hang in there. I'm glad you've got new guy. He sounds like he knows what you need and he's confident enough to handle the complications." @rinserepeat
Hi R&R, I thought so too. His confidence seems to have taken a bit of a dive in the last week I've noticed. His antenna is probably up & he senses potential danger.
"Hang in there. I'm glad you've got new guy. He sounds like he knows what you need and he's confident enough to handle the complications." @rinserepeat
Hi R&R, I thought so too. His confidence seems to have taken a bit of a dive in the last week I've noticed. His antenna is probably up & he senses potential danger.
Dont send mixed messages. Some men are actually...human and do care about us and what's going on in our minds, I know it sounds like science fiction after all we have been thru but believe me, it is true, men like that do exist...
You stbxh is a ...jerk and has control issues. It wouldnt surprise me if he fit 10 different "syndroms". There is this "nusty" taste on him. I am sorry if I sound mean, I am not really. I just had enough of these sick situations and hate to see you being mistreated by him.
In solidarity (LOVED that one, really touched me)
M
Dont send mixed messages. Some men are actually...human and do care about us and what's going on in our minds, I know it sounds like science fiction after all we have been thru...
You're right M, it is like science fiction to imagine a R with a
man that truly cares & acts like he does.
I have muscle memory that's triggered by the last almost 3 yrs of interacting in a R that has little to offer.
H told me, "You're doing the same thing, you said you would think about it (R'ing) & you still have NG over, so I just did the same thing."
I can't even picture putting up with him & his loony tune ways even one more time.
I'm having an excellent time socially interacting with Mr. Confident right now & have no plans to push anything to the side because H is
uncomfortable.
Sunny
So, the voice mail that we need to meet today & "try & figure this thing out", just came in.
I'll send an e-mail later that he can send me his proposal in writing, there will be no meeting. Too bad I didn't do that 2 1/2yrs ago.
Feels like my spine is made of steel & I like it.
Sunny
Good for you Sunny,
hmm Sunny and Sunshine...
K
Hadn't had a chance to get back to H, what with having to shower up after my run & all, so the messages are starting to get a little more desperate; "I have time before my next appt & when S6 gets out of school to come over, please call me."
Just received this email from a friend who's H was having an A with one of her best friends:
How are you doing Sunny?? Tell me what's new with you? Did you and H get divorced? My H and I are doing good. Lifes back to normal now, but he's very sorry for what he put me through last year!!!
After the bomb, she went full swing into gucci mode, telling her H she would not be with a man that wasn't faithful, etc. & started socially interacting. Three months later he was begging her to get back together.
Kinda speaks for itself....although I do think the LBS needs to do the work to make themselves into someone no one would want to leave.
Sunny
Sunny dear,
It's Sunday here and it's your birthday!!! Happy Birthday!!! Wishing you peace and happiness,
xxx
M
Just as I was beginning to think that my H was different.
Yesterday, after dropping hints at S6's open house for parents, he follows me to my car & tells me again that he's made huge mistakes & what would I think about getting back together. Maybe get some c'ing & see what happens.
He doesn't know, we may be back @ this spot in two years...people really don't change.
My response was; I have to get going to P/U the kids, I don't have time to talk. I love you, but I'm no longer in love with you. I'm sorry you didn't feel the need to put actions behind your words. I'm enjoying my life right now & have no interest in doing this again in two years. I like being around someone that treats me incredibly well. This is probably for the best.
Boom, and there it was, my H arguing against D, asking me how I can compare a 10 yr R to one "in it's infancy, where you don't even live together. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
He went on & on talking about all the positive aspects of our M until I left with a "better get going."
So, 2 weeks until our hearing & it looks like he's doing some serious regretting.
Sunny
Maybe we should get our stbxs (?) together for some comiserating... Mine is writing me a letter, been waiting for one for 2 long years... It better be big as Homer's Iliad or he is scr$wed!!! LOL
K
Mine is writing me a letter, been waiting for one for 2 long years... It better be big as Homer's Iliad or he is scr$wed!!! LOL
K
LOL, yes, I saw that he was working on a letter, I hope he doesn't "lock up" from the pressure or it could be a while.
I think H was trying to give me just enough to get me back on the shelf & finding that it's not working anymore.
My making our interactions all business is making him crazy.
Onward,
Sunny
Random things;
Had H's family over for brunch Sunday, along with mine. We had an excellent time. I hadn't seen his sister in 7 yrs, so didn't want to pass up the opportunity. There was an elephant in the room which everyone did a nice job of ignoring.
H thanked me profusely for hosting such a fun get-together, although every time I saw him he didn't look so happy.
I just received my copy of the recommendation from the mediator regarding visitation & it was scathing. H not only didn't get the 50% he requested, he didn't even get the 28% he would have gotten from me. It was for 20%, no weekday overnights.
Anyway, the importance of keeping record of actual time spent is really important in visitation cases. They try to keep things status quo & look behind someone trying for a sudden large increase in time.
S
I am just thinking, I havent done that... Maybe I should.
"Anyway, the importance of keeping record of actual time spent is really important in visitation cases."
Protecting your interests should always be a top priority. There is nothing "wrong" about doing it. It can also go a long way towards giving you that "spine of steel".
"I'm going to continue seeing new guy & enjoying his company at the same time admitting I can fully understand what happens when someone is added to the mix. It definitely muddies up the water for any thought of R the M."
You mentioned this a couple of times over the posts here. All I can say about it is to be careful with it. You have done some testing and have seen the outcomes. Don't make a dramatic movement until/if you see some definite change. You will know it if/when it happens.
You have been where you are now before (sans the "friend" if I recall correctly). Remember, people like to do the same things.. even to a fault sometimes. Being "stuck" can be more comfortable than change. Look at what has changed in your life. See what is better, decide what is not. It is amazing what can happen when you just can't "care" anymore?
I was thinking about you FG, I HAVE MISSED YOU!!! (Sorry Sunny)
I hope all is well with you...
M
I am catching up.. or falling behind.. depending on how you look at it.
I have missed you guys too. Today is the first time in a long time I have actually had any free time.
So nice to hear from you Forrest! I've missed the heck out of you!
Yes, we have been here over & over again in the last 2 1/2 years, however, it's taken on a different hue this time.
We're heading into court tomorrow morning & paper is now being 'spit' back & forth. My H so did not like the Mediator's proposal & take on the sitch, that he filed a slew of Declarations, one of which was at least 40 pages long.
So, we are now engaged in what seems to occur when you enter this stage & why the chances of R greatly diminish by the day.
I still can't wrap my mind around why an intelligent, in business anyway, man would submit anything to the courts that can be easily proven to be untrue.
One of many is that he raised his D27 & always had an equal sharing visitation sched. He did not meet her until she was 10yrs old when they came looking for the father, as her mother was in rehab. From that time on, he had infrequent contact, although he did provide for her. It's all on file, what could he be thinking?
So many damage causing events are now taking on a life of their own that I have lost any desire to put myself through anymore of this with him.
We may have had a chance if there was a faster turn around & it didn't get this far, who's to know.
So, I still won't make any dramatic movements because I know better, with 6 days left until what could be D day, I don't really have to I guess.
New guy is giving me a little space to get thru this & being supportive at the same time.
*Thinking of you my special K....
Sunny
I hope you are Ok Sunny...
I have a blue label whisky locked in my office at work, I will have it the day I sign... (if I am still working by then cause John 210 says I will be 80 before that happens
)
K
I still can't wrap my mind around why an intelligent, in business anyway, man would submit anything to the courts that can be easily proven to be untrue.
Somehow, and I don't know how they do it, but they are able to convince themselves that the history they rewrite is somehow actually true.
S4H
"Somehow, and I don't know how they do it, but they are able to convince themselves that the history they rewrite is somehow actually true."
It is all about perspective.
"So nice to hear from you Forrest! I've missed the heck out of you!"
Always a nice thing to hear. I feel the same way.
"New guy is giving me a little space to get thru this & being supportive at the same time."
So.. what you are saying is.. he likes what he "see's". Good for you. It gives you something to "compare".
What happened in court Sunny?
Good Morning/Afternoon Sweet/Special K,
Funny, I should have been nervous going into court & wasn't, just focused. H, on the other hand, looked dazed & anxious, so I patted the seat next to me when he asked where he should sit.
Sitting there thru 6 other 'matters' before us, he kept looking at me & whispered, "Sheesh, we look pretty together, don't we?", "I hate this, I really hate this." Amazing cases of "War of the Roses", involving police reports & hurling of insults all around. Judge admonished a couple to "grow up."
Because I 'know' my H, I made sure to have my latest declaration/response handed to him by my neighbor. That didn't stop him from starting off with, "...and she just handed me the papers, which doesn't really bother me..."
My job was to sit there w/out reacting or getting emotional.
Difficult to do when you hear some major re-writing of history.
There were some slap downs from the judge, such as to his response as to why he didn't spend more time than 1 overnight & 2 dinners w/S6 in the last year ("Place was too small, now moved back into my lrg ocean view home").
Judge="The mediator wrote that it was because you spent most of your time with your girlfriend."
H="That is not true."
Judge="Oh, you didn't have a girlfriend?"
H="Uh, well yes, I had a girlfriend."
Judge="Okay."
Surprising she would say this, although it was also in the mediators report.
Questionable H moves;
-Crosses out the amt of days on some of the 7 trips (56 days) I documented he took in 2007', (I put w/GF when she accmp.), and put down one day less, etc.,?? That's kinda verifying my record of events.
-Attempts to 'tell' judge what the best ruling would be, & you know how they love that.
Anyway, temporary ruling is status quo, with the exception that instead of 1 Friday night sleepover, we go to every other weekend. He also has to p/u S6 from school 3x a week instead of here after work. Much harder for him, especially on the short school day.
So, after court we talk & clear the air a bit.
He hugs me & tells me he "loves" me. He wishes he hadn't ever started this.
We have some nice moments. I tell him I have to get going.
He says he'll "talk" to me later & ....
Next phone call he asks me to forget about the temporary orders & go back to the way it was.
Nope, I haven't had a weekend off in 2 1/2 yrs & I'm also not going to go against court orders (to be used against me later, perhaps).
Back to court on Monday, where we have a status hearing & also the matter of H filing a Bifurcation motion, requesting the judge issue a Judgement of Dissolution immediately. We would then settle the property & visitation issues later.
I don't know why he filed for this, just that if he wants a D that badly he'll have it.
Can't say that it doesn't bother me. I will "hold onto myself" though.
@S4H-"Somehow, and I don't know how they do it, but they are able to convince themselves that the history they rewrite is somehow actually true."
Yes, S4H, I think of this as the O.J. mindset & believe we're all capable of it to a degree, some more than others for sure.
@FG-"It is all about perspective."
Of course this also holds true, & all going on at once.
Sunny
Damn it!!! I was hoping he would get a lightbulb moment...
At least you sound strong and focused. Dont pretend though. I hope you dont. We are here...
love & hugs
K
At least you sound strong and focused. Dont pretend though. I hope you dont. We are here...
love & hugs
K
Just realized I never filed a response to H's motion to have our status changed to D'd on Monday.
With having the flu a week ago, him asking me to R every- other week, & the Custody hearing this week, it got lost in the shuffle. Ugh!
Just left him a message that if I don't get something in writing that he's going to drop the motion set for Monday, I'll have to retain my attorney to put in for a contin.
If I have to do that, it really becomes difficult to turn around at a future point.
Thanks for the support Maria, it does help.
Sunny
So, court is on for 1:30pm today & it's not even a blip on my radar. Guess I've gone more towards 'embracing' whatever comes my way.
H did bring over a signed statement that he does not want to proceed with the separating of our case & have our M declared null & void today.
He also issued an invitation for a BBQ Saturday night @ his place. This was the 1st full weekend with S6 since the new visitation orders. Just the thought of going had my stomach twisted.
Last night when he dropped off S6, it was back to asking me when I can give him the response to his offer & all the #'s so he can have it written up by his attorney.
I'm finished reacting to subtle hints & innuendo about what he wants. I don't know if he realizes the M ship is sinking fast.
He may just be making conversation, and it is hard to find something to talk about when you won't be direct to save your life, choosing the topics he does, & tone to go with them, amazes me.
Last night it was S6's school being too "touchy-feely."
"They have way too much parental involvement. They should let the kids stand on their own two feet."
I love this school. It has the best atmosphere of any in my experience.
Still 'holding on to myself' & liking it. (This image pops in my brain when I say that everytime ;-)
Sunny
So, I am confused. He brought you signed papers he DOESNT want the marriage declared null?
If so, why would he do that? WHy now damn it????? And,...are you done or are you semi done as I find myself, despising my weak nature? (not that you should despise yourself, you know what I mean, LOL)
K
Lol, you think you're confused!! I really don't know why we're going to court today
I'm embarrassed to say I'm serious about that. Maybe that's why I'm not nervous, I don't know what to be nervous about.
I think we have 2 hearing today, one is a status hearing (where you tell them how things are moving along?), and the other is for a 'motion to separate the case' into parts, allowing the D to be final before we have the financial/visitation completed.
The signed paper he handed me yesterday was just stating that he wanted to have that hearing continued, he did not want it held today as scheduled.
That's what I'm saying, he's so indirect with me & all over the place, that I'm kinda just hanging out off to the side, letting it all go where ever it goes.
Am I done? Dunno, everytime I've declared myself so, I find that I'm really not. I don't consider it a weak nature though. Infact, I consider it a sign of a strong one.
Sunny
I was talking about MY weak nature!! And when are you coming at my side of the woods?
K
"I was talking about MY weak nature!!"
Actually, I was talking about nature's in general being strong when you don't choose the 'easy' way. It looks like I'm going to do a poor job of explaining what I mean, so I'll just bow out.
"And when are you coming at my side of the woods?"
I think the call is whoever can make the woods first. I'm totally envious that Ali & BF had the opportunity to spend time with our own Greek Princess.
H told me in court that he wants the changes I'd like to his financial offer by tomorrow. Because he filed an additional motion, they put us at the end of the court day, instead of #2 where we were originally. This was a motion I asked him not to file ahead of time & he did anyway, only to give me a paper saying he didn't want it anymore.
My body language gave me away after the 2nd hour...he whispered that I was acting like a B, he filed it b/c it's been 2 1/2yrs & I should calm down.
We ended up just leaving when the judge took a break (his idea, I guess he could tell I was working up a real dislike of him).
We told the clerk we were leaving. Not sure how they look at that, at this point I don't care much. Like he said, "What are they going to do, arrest us?"
I can't think straight anymore today, nothing is making sense to me. Maybe we're both crazy now.
Sunny
Hey Ms. Sunny..
*hugs*..
Lots and lots of stuff going on and you've been so busy!
Whenever the world is spinning from all the legalese, talk to your lawyer. It's their job to know what is and isn't in your best interest. What is your lawyer's take on your spouse pushing through the dissolution before the custody and financials have been determined?
This is an incredibly confusing time. Your spouse no longer has your best interests at heart, only his. He's not one to sit with in court, take direction from, especially when it comes to leaving when the court is in recess. Leaving makes both of you lose credibility. You leave when your attorney says "Let's go."
Sit as far away from your spouse as you can in court. He's not doing you any favors. Route all his questions, suggestions directly to your attorney. He's doing so many wacky things it's making your head spin. Getting you off kilter works best for him.
The term 'Crazy like a fox' comes to mind about your spouse. If he's great in business, successful negotiating is second nature. He is not your friend. He is using his skills against you.
Your lawyer has your back. Let him/her deal with your spouse.
This is a tough time.
You're wonderful.
*hugs*
It's been a while since I posted I see. Strange around here, almost everyone I know has been out experiencing the ever-so-special H1N1 flu. Things are looking up though, last one in the family to fall, S17, is finally back in school today. About 1/2 of S6's class were out the last couple of weeks, so it hit pretty hard.
Getting back to my thread, I see I never responded to your post Gypsy.
I stopped responding to H, except for necessary information regarding our settlement agreement that my attorney drafted.
He wanted to have a sit down to discuss what/why I'm asking for changes which I declined. He can respond in writing because, you're right;
@Gypsy="The term 'Crazy like a fox' comes to mind about your spouse. If he's great in business, successful negotiating is second nature. He is not your friend. He is using his skills against you."
I've become unavailable to him, & am still busy socially w/new guy, 6 months & prolly 60 dinners later. We really have a good time together. The more I tell him I'm not sure where I want this to go, the crazier he is about me, telling me I'm the perfect woman.
Amazing how one man can place such little value on you & another quite opposite. Really not that difficult to figure out though, now that I'm embracing the whole, "...you don't value/respect me, fine, your choice, I know plenty of others that will."
I am getting more e-mail, v-mail, excuses to have to see me by the day. He now has that worried look of the LBS. It seems he's in dis-belief that I'm moving forward, & happily.
Last night it was lots of lingering, sad looks & sighing @ drop off.
Doesn't effect me anymore.
Next court date is Jan. 5th, when we should have everything wrapped up. Tick, tick tick....
Sunny
Happy New Year, Ms. Sunny..
January 5th... how time flies.
Sending you love and hugs..
*hugs*
Hey Ms. Gypsy,
I got it wrong, court tomorrow January 4th...good thing I looked yesterday.
I think it was triggered by my S17 & what looks like an attempt @ seeing just how far I can be pushed...yikes he's giving me a run for my money, I'm taking a break from them all right now.
Self-preservation.
I so appreciate your sending of love & hugs...Thank you Butterfly.
Strange how I feel so happy right now. Still holding on to myself (Da*m it), & fully intending to tomorrow.
Take Care,
Sunny
I guess he has a new attorney. Received the bill in my mail, addressed to his #, but my street (How does that happen?) He's under Super-attorney when searched...
Makes him appear a little insecure about his standing @ this stage of the game.
Anyway, we'll see how it goes tomorrow. I've heard they want you to get going in some direction already.
Sunny
Good Luck today Jenny...
I am happy if you are happy.
Let us know how it went
K
Well, I was so relaxed going to court yesterday that I had to grab meter parking in front & hope it didn't go past 2 hrs.
Took a seat & placed my purse on the seat next to me as a hint. Didn't help, he went around & sat next to me on the other side. I asked him to please find another seat, too late, they started.
The judge asks him if he'd like to wrap things up now, as the motion he filed asked & he acted like he didn't know what she was talking about. He said we are only here for a status hearing & we have a few things left to work out?
She scheduled to come back March 1st, looked at us strangely & said you should have it together by then.
So, outside he says he wants to talk to me for 15 mins. I maintain my position that there's nothing to talk about, he knows what I'm asking for, if he'd like something different my attorney can take over.
Not long after that the mixed messages started, wanting to hug me, telling me how much he enjoys my company, at least when we're getting along. I say, that's nice, have to run.
Next up is telling me how hard times are for his business & can I just make some adjustments. He will need to know by Thursday, because he's stressed & tired from not knowing what our final MSA will be.
I gave him a few minutes & said I had nothing more to say.
Today he sends an email insisting I look over the MSA he made minor corrections to, e-mail it to my attorney & let him know by Thursday at the latest.
Same time asks that I trade my time w/S6 in April/May/June due to his competion calendar.
Same thing over & over, only now I feel like I'm the one at the wheel. I sent him an email saying there would be no exchanging days, afterall, when he took me to court, he said if there was a conflict, he "simply won't go."
I'm not walking on egg shells & wondering what his reaction will be any longer. Catering does just the opposite & I finally know that.
I think being firm is what is necessary. I'm always nice/polite, just not pursuie.
After 3 angry e-mails, he's now asking why I can't be nicer to him.
He has to feel the full effect of his decisions, I'm not saving him from that.
Take Care,
Sunny
Last email;
Sunny,
Why are you friendly to me one day and mean the next? I will delay my trip for a day but you should start being more flexible in the future. This is about S6, not you or I. I will get my things out of our house when it is no longer our house. I will drop off your stuff that I can transport. Would you like to come pick up the mirror? It is quite heavy.
Thx
I'm doing my very best to stay positive. S17 is leaning hard, although both kids seems to be acting out at the moment.
Maybe this is typical for all families, I don't know.
Just want to say that I'm going to come thru grateful for what I have & what I've learned.
Thanks for the support.
Sunny
Hello Ms. Jenny..
*hugs*
What a long strange road it's been.. And goodness.. does that man love his papers.
I know my kids acted out when I was pushing to get the house ready for market. It was then that the divorce was real, months later.
This is a tough time for all. It's good to hear the confidence and boundaries you've placed that are working for you. I think the kids do act out during this time and look for guidance, support, boundaries. Sometimes it involves letting go, other times reigning in. Ahhh.. and listening. DBing, validating the kids was invaluable. One book,
How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk, I read was incredibly helpful. It saved me many a time on all levels.
Good to hear from you.
*hugs*
What a long strange road it's been..
That's for sure Gypsy. Just when I think it can't get any stranger.....
After 2 1/2yrs of this, there has finally come a time where I know I was mourning a marriage to someone who doesn't, can't, won't be a partner to me.
It makes sense now why he was trying to get me to sign on the dotted line immediately in front of the court house.
Yesterday I found out my mother has been given up to 5 months to live. Minutes later, I find out from my S6, that the OW has moved into my old house, & that "he likes us both the same" because his dad said it should be that way.
My 17 yr old son has transformed into someone I never imagined, posting on FB that I can go F myself when I took his drug away (interactive computer gaming.)
Through my dad's long illness, losing him along with one of my best friends, my mother's 6 months in bed due to injury & telling me he's still "boffing that woman" on my birthday,
I still believed I had a chance to turn it around.
I will probably never understand someone that could treat another person this way, especially for so long a period.
I wouldn't trade what I've learned for anything though. I also wouldn't trade the wonderful people I've met here, including my friend CVA who helped me thru a difficult night.
What can you say to express your gratitude to people who help others & pay it forward like those on here.
Thank You & may you all be blessed.
Sunny
I am sorry Jenny. Just read your update...
I am very sorry about your mom.
You have a friend here.
Love
M
Update;
On what was to be our final court date, March 10th, H had an appointment he just "couldn't change." He made some half hearted attempts to get a new date, then said, "Well, we could just not show up." I ask him to keep trying to reschedule. The day before, he suddenly has yet another appt. that day he can't miss, & says they may dismiss the case if we don't show, & "one" of us would have to re-file to go forward.
Instead of dismissing, they give us a new date for December, with a note from the judge letting us know that if can't get it together by then...
My mother has open heart surgery & we decide to put anything having to do with our M on the back burner, until after she's had a chance to recover.
Meanwhile, I go for as little contact as possible, OW continues to move in pieces of furniture, rugs, etc., but is not actually living there.
I decide to venture off on my own to a friend's birthday party, much to the dismay of new guy, who tells me he looked it up on friend's Facebook, & see's that address is on there for any friends that wish to attend, so why am I going with out him? We had just had dinner the previous night & I let him know I desired a little time on my own. He obviously doesn't realize the effect this has on someone, which is to want to get away.
Go to the party, & the strange feelings I get sometimes hit me full force when I walk in the door. Not bad, just the feeling that something I can't put my finger on is happening.
Not long after, a man walks up to me & asks if I'm married, well, after a couple of minutes anyway. I say, my H has been having an A for 3 yrs, it's complicated. He says some of those things guys say, "your H must be crazy, you're beautiful, yeda, yeda, yeda..." Tells me what he thinks of Jesse James types.
After talking for a few more minutes, I can tell he feels it too, that strange pinging....Now he's telling me I should get a D ASAP, to move forward, I may be surprised at how fast my H really wants to move on. I tell him I'm not so sure my H wants a D, as he can't seem to show up for our court dates, that's why our next one isn't until December. He has this shocked expression which prompts me to ask his name.
It's her best friend... He get's teared up & tells me she has no idea, she believes he went to court that day & the ink is almost dry.
H came by to drop off S7 after his week long vaca. I met him at the door, didn't offer to let him come in, didn't answer any of his questions about where I was this last week. (He had been having S call me wanting me to call them everyday.) I sent one text, asking him to tell S I loved him & would see him at the end of the week. Friendly, but distant. He looks nervous. Probably because I'm not in his pocket anymore & am happy, one way or another.
Sunny
PS)Why does the text jump around when I'm typing posts...makes it really difficult to work with. If anyone knows.
Hello Sweet Generous Soul..
I hope your mom's surgery goes well. I saw her photos on FB.. she looks so vivacious, it's hard to believe she could be that ill.
What does your lawyer say about all this skipping out and changing dates? Connecticut limits the number of times a trial date can be rescheduled, and if one party doesn't show up, the other party can get whatever they want.
I had and the former spouse changed to a Super Lawyer, not because of the the assignation, but because of their reputation. Mine came highly recommended from a good attorney friend. In the end, I felt my lawyer was more concerned about her reputation than meeting my needs.
Your situation is so strange. Why does that man dawdle? It sounds like he's making a life with his affair partner but stringing her along at the same time (and how did HER best friend end up talking to you at a party?).
Is there a benefit for you to allow the divorce to stretch out so far over time? Any continuance and legal advice should come from your lawyer.. not your divorcing spouse, encouraging you to leave the courthouse, etc. If you want the divorce, finish it. This limbo thing becomes its own lifestyle.
If someone asks if you are married and you speak about a three year affair your husband has been having.. that sends one message. If you reply that you're finishing up the legal process of divorce, that says another. If you say, no.. that says something else completely.
How's the new place? I didn't realize you'd moved out of the house. It's good to know you can reassure your youngest that all relationships take time to develop.
It's always great to hear from you.
*hugs*
Sunny,
I dont know what to say except that sometimes luck or life or whatever you want to call it, fill some pieces of the puzzle, gives us -some at least of- the answers...
So your H is being more honest with you than with the OW... How sad these men act and are.
I hope your mom recovers soon...
K
About the text jumping around when typing: there is a button on the tool bar when you are replying. The down area makes the text area larger and then it doesn't jump around. You will see it the next time you reply to a message. The up and down arrow thing on the right. Didn't that just sound so technical???
"Is there a benefit for you to allow the divorce to stretch out so far over time?" @Gypsy
At this point, there really is no disadvantage, except, of course, that I'm not quite married & not quite divorced. It has also allowed me to get my ducks in a row, taking care of all our dental work, car repairs, wardrobe renewal, etc., while I can.
I have a really strong attorney that I'm using for our MSA, although I represented myself (you know what they say about that:)when he took me to court for child custody. I came out very well on that front, however, I do know my limitations.
So, while I'm not fighting him on getting a D, I'm not doing any of the work either. Just living my life to the best of my ability, and honestly, I find that I don't think of him much anymore. (Or is that think much of him?)
Ran across this re:Affairs this morning cleaning out my e-mail
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=19930501-000027&page=1 worth the re-read.
@Kalni-Yes, funny how pieces of the puzzle come by you, even when you're not looking! In a city the size I live in, it's amazing how many connections there really are.
@Cynmad-Thanks for the text bouncing info, it's made my typing much more calm!
Off for the beach...my kids are still out for Easter break.
Sunny
What I didn't add about the strange meeting w/OW's friend, is that he told me he had been married for 20 yrs, then engaged to someone a few yrs back. After the "aha" moment, I find out it was OW he was engaged to, until she broke it off about 4 yrs ago. About the time she set her sites on my H, I'm guessing-;)
He asked me if I'd like to get together to talk further. I told him I'd get back to him after 48hrs, so yesterday I sent him this;
E HO `I KA WA`A; MAI HO`OPA`A
AKU I KA `INO.
Make the canoe go back;
do not insist on heading into a storm.
--Mary Kawena Pukui
Apparently not direct enough, because he sends a response telling me we need to get together due to the "beshert"
forces @ work. Besides, he's really attracted to me & thinks we need to explore that. Right.
I don't think I want to know anything more about her, them, him. I've let enough of my life be taken up with OW. It begins to feel like if I continue giving her pieces of it, I'm allowing her to steal slices that I can't get back.
So, I don't think a response is necessary, or advisable.
Sunny
I agree with you. I would find it hard to resist the urge to talk to this person, but your decision is much better than what I would do...
Hugs
K
@Kalni>>Actually, I have somewhat of a desire to know more, but it's out-weighed by other considerations, by far.
So, H is all of a sudden showing up everywhere. Yesterday at a B-Day party @ Chuck-E-Cheese's (started @ 9a.m.
), I turn around, & there he is again, just stopping by on his way back from surfing in Mexico.
Later that day, calling to say he was driving right by the house on his way to our friends house for tacos, what are we up to the rest of the day. Can he come by to pick up S7. Calling again, he's on his way home from friend's home.
Thanks for the offer, we already have plans all day.
I tried to sit at the other end of the baseball field Saturday, but he has another chair set up right beside him.
I feel nothing, although I do occassionally almost put my hand over on his arm. Maybe just from habit.
Anyway, nothing's really changed. It took me a while to get to this place & I'm not going back. If he wants to changed anything, it's going to be him doing the work. I think he's starting to get that it's not his decision any longer.
I just got a call from a friend of mine, his wife "...just decided she didn't want to be married anymore." I don't know why this stuff shocks me, but it does. He says she was telling him she was happier than she's ever been in their 21yrs together, just 3 weeks before that. I asked if there was OP, "oh no, I don't think there's anyone else, why do you ask?"
I remember first coming on here & someone asking that question. I had the same response.
Sunny
This is kinda along the lines of, "How much do ya really want to know."
I'm a friend of my S17 on Facebook. On one hand it's good to have some kind of contact point, as he doesn't share a lot with me now-a-days, if you KWIM.
So, my question is, "Is it worth the sick feeling I sometimes get from some of the things on his FB page?"
Thanks,
Sunny
Sunny,
it is worth it if you ask me. But you only know how sick you get...
K
Hey Ms. Sunny!
Were you effected/affected? by the quake in Baja?
What bothers you?
*hugs*
@Gypsy>>>"Were you effected/affected? by the quake in Baja?
What bothers you?"
Actually, the only way the earthquake effected me was reading on my son's FB; "That wasn't an earthquake, it was me with your mom." To his credit, that was removed pretty quickly.
It gets pretty crude & obnoxious, sharing on a whole new level than I anticipated, and I'm not easily offended.
I really enjoyed talking with you the other day, by the way, you're pleasurably engaging on many levels. We'll have to do it again!
@Kalni>>>"...it is worth it if you ask me."
I think I'll take a break from keeping up with him for the time being. Could be that it's hard to read things about your child, just as I'm sure it is for him to have TMI about me.
Sunny
Just adressing the FB issue and being his friend: I really think it is a good idea. I also spend a lot of time in their room since that is where my computer is(that's another story). It has allowed me access to the kids, their friends and they don't seem to mind. They talk about almost everything in front of me and come to me when they have questions or need help. FB fills in the gaps. I even have some of his friends calling me Mom!
kat
Hey Ms. Sunny..
I had a blast talking with you, too. Anytime is fine with me.
Teens and older speak differently to each other than to adults... and vice versa. I'm sure his friends found his comment to be hilarious, even if short lived.
I'm sure any attempt of a parent telling an mild off color joke or personal sexual involvement is 100 times worse for them. At least it is for my kids, though they stop me before it gets even close.
*hugs*
@Kat-Yes, I guess it's a good thing when they don't filter much to keep you in the dark. I am a little surprised he keeps me on his friends list, kicking me off only once in the last year.
Last night had me wishing I had taken H up on the offer to send him to the military school up the coast.
Three weeks off for spring break, he walks (kinda) into the house @ 10p.m., in no condition to complete an assignment due today.
Many parenting classes later, I'm still not sure what to do with a kid accepted into college with a 4.0, now getting grades his last semester, that may keep him from graduating from high school.
Nothing seems to get thru & there's really nothing left to take away.
"Teenagers are so smart and alive, vulnerable, so at-risk, so brave and terrifying. They can be so mean, and so tender. So profoundly loyal to their friends and even to their moms. They can blow your mind with their brilliance and insights and passion. And they can be so stupid." Anne Lamott
So, I'm left with that "ancient parenting dilemma: How to give your children the freedom to screw up while making sure they don't screw up too badly?"
@Gypsy>>>Teens and older speak differently to each other than to adults...
True dat!! Oh, & it was one of his friends referring to me & the earthquake, prolly just the thought made him hit the delete quickly.
Any & all helpful hints are appreciated, thanks!
Sunny
Thanks Lotus, always good to hear from you.
It's all the hard work that came before...all the preparation he did to get into college. Only to drop the ball in the final inning!!
Somehow, I take that as a direct F' you. I'm well aware his pre-frontal lob is not quite developed...still hard to deal with.
Reminds me a little of a WAS in an A.
Sunny
*Along with the 2 F's, he's maintaining a 92% in calculus. Defies logic.
"*Along with the 2 F's, he's maintaining a 92% in calculus. Defies logic."
Sometimes.. DAM (they come in all different shapes and ages) just need something to challenge them.
My D reminds me more and more of my wife everyday!
Hey Sunny...
*Along with the 2 F's, he's maintaining a 92% in calculus. Defies logic.
He may be suffering from senioritis and working the system. I later discovered during the last semester of senior year my rebellious son would arrived at school minutes before he'd be marked absent, since being tardy didn't affect his grades.
Or drug use could account for falling grades and a distinct change of attitude. Oops.. he had that, too.
And sons are a funny thing. The rebellious one had to push away from me harder because of how close we were for his sense of independence. The second, more mellow son, opted for the mutual trust, usually telling the truth thing. Or maybe he learned from his older brother and knew how to work things out better.
It's a curse to be a MILF, and it's touching that the offensive comment on FB about you was removed. I can just imagine one of your son's reactions, "Sh!!111!!!!!T Don't you know my mom READS this???!!!????? while making sure that you were not demeaned.
*hugs*
When I saw that your D was adjourned to December, my immediate question was whether or not you live in the state of NY. LOLOL. I saw someone post 'Baja' above.
It takes courage to say 'no' to an unhealthy relationship when some people on this forum would push to keep you in it.
Time is on your side.
FIB
@FG-"Sometimes.. DAM (they come in all different shapes and ages) just need something to challenge them."
Nice to hear from you, Cory! And yes, he must yearn for challenges. If he doesn't have one at any given moment, he'll find a way to create one.
@FG-"My D reminds me more and more of my wife everyday."
And this is a good thing, right?
@Gyspy-I think you're right about the separation being more difficult for the closer child, Gypsy, we must have been even closer than I thought!
@FIB-Yes, time is on my side, which is why I'm fine with the adjournment to December.
Not quite sure about your reference to people pushing me into staying in an unhealthy R. I don't know of anyone who's done that here. Or maybe I just don't retain things like that, so they don't register. Basically, it's difficult to influence me one way or another, I know everyone is coming from their own reference point.
Looking forward to catching up with the latest WAS 'worst lines ever,' on your thread. Nice to have a little entertainment break!
Take Care,
Sunny
It's all the hard work that came before...all the preparation he did to get into college. Only to drop the ball in the final inning!!...Along with the 2 F's, he's maintaining a 92% in calculus. Defies logic."
Phoning it in." Obviously, calculus isn't difficult for him. The other classes probably aren't difficult either but are "more" work than calculus is. So he punts, figuring that a couple of low grades "won't make a difference now."
'Twas ever thus.
And next year, about the time he (metaphorically) finds himself sitting in my office hours, trying manfully not to whine while whining about his grade, he will be the proverbial deer-in-the-headlights
"But-but-but I was an 'A' student in high school!"
Yes, my friend, I'm sure you were. And so was everybody else in this class. And of all the "A" students, you're an average one -- so I had no choice but to give you a "C."Best when nipped in the bud by Mom -- but the nipping; ah, there's the rub.
Fortunately, he's got these
totally jacked-up professors who
totally assign
way too much reading, like they
totally think you have, like,
no other classes or something, and then they have, like, these
totally harsh grading standards like you're supposed to be some kind of
genius or something and who even get, like, the
totally meanest TA's who don't even, like, give
extensions, to look forward to.
Bwah-ha-ha-hahhhhh!
Ah, yes, Ms. Sunny..
The ultimate punishment... suspend texting (which is incredibly easy to do with your cellphone provider.)
For some reason, talking on the phone is a burden.
*hugs*
@SP>>>-"So he punts, figuring that a couple of low grades "won't make a difference now. 'Twas ever thus."
Yes, I'm sure you're right on there!
@Gypsy>>>"The ultimate punishment... suspend texting (which is incredibly easy to do with your cellphone provider.)
For some reason, talking on the phone is a burden."
Following another episode (of mind blowing proportions,) I decided to go a step further...I'm no longer willing to pay for a phone for his use at all & stopped service last week. He'll be 18 in 4 weeks & can get his own phone.
I never imagined it would be possible to have a R like this with your own child. This morning I was a f'ing white b*tch, when I refused to make him a lunch. So, I'm staying out of the way, letting him fall as far as he chooses, & allowing him to feel the full impact of his behavior.
Strange that it's so similar to the nc I have with my H.
Unless there's an emergency, which hasn't happened to date, I don't have any contact. He'll be gone on one of his extreme-sports competitions for ten days & I'm completely enjoying the break.
Before H left, he spotted the 2 dozen roses someone sent me, along with the dozen from last week, and started the "sighing" thing he does. Doesn't directly address anything, just hints & sighs. Sorry, I reached my threshhold sometime back...
Walked to the door, held it open, & said goodbye nicely.
I get no e-mail from him anymore, & no calls, except for S7.
Originally, I thought he was trying to put distance between his last years earnings & CS, but I just got our tax statement & it's higher.
Anyway, doesn't matter. Back to my life & making it as incredible as I can.
Onward & upward, is my motto of the day...
Take Care,
Sunny
Wow, some people just don't change much. I accepted a FB friend offer from a pilot I knew way back when. He had an on-going affair with a FA that lasted years. She kept an apt available to him to use, while he lived in another state with his wife, until he had yet another child with the wife he was going to leave. It disgusted me then, although not as much as it does now. After two messages went un-answered, he sends one this morning asking if I'm single, letting me know he & his present wife are about to be D'd. She's been seeing a pilot for a year. Funny that the pictures of them, looking very 'together', were only posted a couple of months ago. Creepy!
And there are people that change so frequently, you don't know from one minute to the next what you're going to get.
Like my S17, who has a personality worthy of respect...this morning. Laughing, engaging, & nice. I hope it sticks around for a while!
Sunny
Woke up yesterday to a Mother's Day breakfast prepared by S7. He used chairs to reach dishes & cereal (full bowl of milk with a sprinkling of cereal
)
He then gave me a card & bracelet he made. So loving & sweet.
Older son wakes up around 2p.m., in a bad mood because Hard Rock Hotel wouldn't let them gain access to the party suite they rented for after the prom. Ranted about how wrong that was, so unfair.
No Mother's Day acknowledgement, no card, nada. Ouch
Asked him to please take lap-top into his room, as I wanted to enjoy the day. Throws computer mouse & makes a direct hit on my forehead & leaves the house. Ouch....heart hurts more than anything.
I selected the choice of not letting it ruin my day, considering I had been having a really nice weekend, until then.
H calls & leaves Mother's Day greetings for me & also vm for my mother. Voice cracking, sounds like he's crying. Probably painful for him to see my friend's car parked in front of her house Fri night, brother in town, & all of us celebrating inside.
Oh well, it's a new day...have to shake it off.
Sunny
Hugs Jenny, and kisses on that forehead ()
K
I always kiss my shorter Gffs on the forhead. I think you are taller though LOL
Happy Leftover Mother's Day, Sunny... *hugs*
What a precious joy your youngest son is.. and so inventive and conscientious.
Your oldest hitting you with a mouse spooks me.
I remember a friend in college telling me that if a guy ever hit or physically hurt me to never see him again.
My daughter and her friend (both about 11 or 12, a year or so before the bomb) were talking about boys. I told them that if a boy intentionally hurt a dog or was mean to an animal to walk away. When we got to the house, the (pre bomb) husband walked in, kicked the dog and went on his way. "Well, except your father, of course."
Oops!
Something's amiss with your oldest, my friend.. and you are not his punching bag.
*hugs*
Thanks, My oh so special K & wonderful Gypsy, xoxo!!!
"Something's amiss with your oldest, my friend.."
Yep, complete personality change. Everyone used to rave about how he was so kind & polite...:(
We're animal lovers though, even H, so at least there's that.
Sorry the same can't be said for your children's father!
Big Hugs, all around....my head feels better already
Sunny
*Think we're about the same, 5'6"
No we are not.I am 1,71. In meters, LOL
Sorry you had to go thru that on Mother's Day. This, too, shall pass. Stay strong. FIB
From my S7 on Tues, after spending the long weekend with his dad;
S7= "Mommie, when do people die?"
Me= "Ah, why do you ask?"
S7= "Because, if ow dies, then my daddie will move back in with us, & I don't want to wait until I'm a teenager."
My H had been doing his best to give the impression that ow was long gone. Trying to keep himself "in there" with me, my family & friends, when....He's been living with her for 6 months & asking S7 not to tell me!!
Bowled me over.
Tells me he didn't want to get into it, because he can't break his connection from me....hasn't been able to follow thru with D'ing me & it's ruining his life. Boohoo...he makes me more than ill.
I took a couple of days to process, & am thankful to have the facts. Incredible deception to involve your child in, that I wonder about his mental state.
Just got an e-mail that he's off to Mexico to surf for almost a week, giving up his Monday to spend w/S7.
I guess I am in some state of shock still & will spend the weekend getting my ducks in a row.
When I would read on this site about living with the ow, I never imagined it would be me someday, lol!
Sunny
It ALWAYS hurts to have the OP thrust back at you suddenly. I'm sorry.
Thanks Thinker!
Okay, since what I discovered is a deal breaker, I'm having my L take over & getting the best deal I can. He had wanted to take care of it with us doing our own MSA & just having the L's look it over.
He is still out of town on his second trip to Mexico in the last couple of weeks.
When he returns in two days, I plan on telling him to pick up his belongings. I have already requested this, but he tells me he doesn't intend, nor has to do that until we are legally D'd. I will find out from my L if that is the case.
Here is where I messed up. Every time I got serious, he would reel me back in, and I let him. Rinse/Repeat.
As much as I can read the posts here & know the course to take, apparently I can suck @ my own. It would have been much different had I known all the facts.
Here I go, adjusting BGP's so they're nice & cozy.
Sunny
June has been a busy month;
Moved first born out of the house, after what seemed to be a dangerous, downhill slide, and into my mother's house, where he has a bedroom suite to himself. Lot's of tough love built into the arrangement, which he seems to be responding to;
-Begins new/old job (he was rehired) today @ 5pm
-Graduates 6/26 & begins college classes 7/8
Getting to this point has had plenty of Jerry S. moments & I'm sure we were the subject of convo around the 'hood' for a while.
After reading a post regarding Penny Tuby, I've gone full no contact w/H since finding out OW is living w/him. S7 is now picked up & dropped off @ my mother's house.
I get daily vm & e-mail wanting a connection, & respond when I must. He invites himself to my family engagements & I have to let him know an invitation was not given.
He threw a bit of a tantrum yesterday when he p/u S for Father's Day. Said the arrangement wasn't working, b/c there weren't swimming trunks packed, he had better start coming back to the house to make the exchange.
That's not going to happen. I see how I gave him his fix with me, & then off he would go to OW.
I do wish I had investigated more, I would have had knowledge (is power) along time ago.
Feeling very strong & capable these days....with a little ding yesterday missing my father.
Still amazes me how H still tries to run the show from a far.
Take Care,
Sunny
*FIB-Noticed I forgot Lather...have learned to spit, however
Ha. Yes. Common piece of poor advice here: "don't go looking for cheese in cheeseless tunnels". Unfortunately, the majority of people starting on this forum are rife with gorgonzola.
Knowledge is power. As Dr. Phil said, "you own your marriage". Better know what's going on.
Stay strong.
FIB
Since h no longer comes & goes to my house for S7, has no contact with me, etc., he has progressively increased pressure to get back to status quo.
He called my mother's house to talk to S18 once again about coming to his graduation on Sat. For the 1st time, she shared a few truth darts w/him;
-Under the circumstances, we are not comfortable with you attending with us.
-What you are doing is by no means setting a good example for my grandsons.
-Your concern about the small things seems to take importance over the large/major life deciding issues.
This was in response to being told that, "It doesn't have to be this way. Your daughter is just making things difficult."
Must be getting uncomfortable for him. Now I'm getting e-mail about soccer registration @ close to midnight, when he could be cozy in bed.
@FIB-"Better know what's going on."
I'm still laughing @ myself, asking H if she was living there 4 months ago, and believing him when he said no.
Sunny
I'm still laughing @ myself, asking H if she was living there 4 months ago, and believing him when he said no.
Laugh, but don't be hard on yourself.
We all did it. I believed when my w said the A was over - twice!
It's too easy to believe when they tell you what you want to hear.
After all the activity in the last couple of weeks, with my oldest son graduating from high school, having a graduation party here last weekend, etc., I now have time to get back to my marriage & my next step.
Since finding out my H has been living with OW, I have had no contact in person. We exchanged a couple of e-mails, one of him expressing his displeasure @ not attending S's grad w/us.
There was one today, wanting S7 overnight Weds. since he won't have him this year for the 4th.
I believe he wants to "normalize" our situation so it's more comfortable for him, & get it back to me being available & friendly again.
My youngest son came home from the weekend, telling me, "Daddy says he's never moving back, because you got in word fights. I don't think he's coming back, because he likes OW more than you, not to hurt your feelings."
I don't know why they have those conversations, so I tell him something along the lines; that adults sometimes make choices we may not understand. We are responsible for making the best choices we can & making ourselves happy.
So, by appearances, H is happy with his choice (that 1% ?). I guess I still have difficulty in being the one that takes the final step...The one who gets to finish what I didn't start.
Once I take the next step, it is going to start getting more difficult financially for me, another reason I haven't pushed thru.
I feel a little stuck.
Sunny
I'm having difficulty processing how to proceed. I've gone NC, trying to just keep with the schedule the courts came up with after H took me to court.
He sends this e-mail today;
Sunny,
Sorry you can't be a little more flexible in the schedule. I really thought that when the Judge decided to go by the FCS recommendation, that she intended it more as a guideline then something so set in stone. It is after all a temporary order given at the onset of the school year. Don't you think if she had taken the time to contemplate the summer months she would have been a little more likely to let S7 have more overnights with me?
In anycase, will you switch with me this Monday for Tuesday? I may be out of town over the 4th.
Am I being unreasonable in not switching times, etc.? He made the choice to leave, why should I be flexible to make it easier on him?
Sunny
Sunny,
you are angry and want...revenge. You want to make his life difficult just as he made yours. Unless you had plans you shouldnt change, what does it matter? Really, one day in the big sceme of things, what does it matter?
Hugs
Hey Special K,
After I posted yesterday, I had a chance to process a little better.
It took a while for me to get to the point where I'm out of H's grasp. I paid a price for my willingness to be flexible, which I was to a fault, before being taken to court & having it used against me.
I don't feel angry. I see the almost everyday e-mail requests as a way for him to continue the connection with me. That's why I would like to go with the court orders, so there isn't a need for constant contact. It may appear that it's just a matter of a day...it's not, it's a matter of him trying to keep control when it's slipping away.
I'm really happy with having a 3rd party for our exchange...wish I had done it earlier. It's a relief from the drama of H & his world.
I feel like I can handle whatever comes my way. I'm not afraid of what's to come. I was...I think he knew that, so it kept it going on...and on...and on.
I'm bucked up now.
Take Care,
Sunny
Well, it's happened, H couldn't take 3 weeks of nc from me & has apparently taken leave of his senses.
I had other pressing matters that kept me occupied, such as;
-teenage son w/substance abuse & other issues.
-helping my mother with a property nightmare that took 2 yrs for our incredible L (and I mean that) to resolve.
Just sat down at the computer to compile information on the list my L asked me to complete & receive a 51 page motion from H, as an attachment to an e-mail, saying he's prepared to file if I don't comply.
Although his "super L" was listed, it was all written by him.
There's a reason they just want you to answer the questions during a deposition.
Amazingly, he takes the FC mediator & judge to task, for "buying into what I was selling."
-Wants the courts to order that child transfer takes place @ my house, not 3rd party.
-Daily phone calls, between 5pm & 7pm, with no exception.
-Court ordered private mediation to settle our differences, because the FC one "empowered her."
Anyway, it went on & on..."I knew she'd find out I was living with my GF (A single, 42 yr old woman, who has never had kids of her own) eventually, and she did."
When I recovered from reading all of it, and stopped laughing, I did call him to let him know that I agreed with him, I don't know why it took me so long, but it could never work between us. Please go ahead & file the motion. I have to get going, bye.
That was 4 days ago. I'm now getting phone calls & e-mail everyday, with some excuse for him needing to talk to me.
I've completely lost any attraction I ever had, & am looking forward to moving on to my great life.
Sunny
I was thinking about you. Some of them WASs do all in the powers to look unattractive. It's amazing. I am glad you are sorting things out... inside.
Love
K
Hi K,
Yes, I think he did me a favor.
In the motion, he says because he's now in a stable, live-in R, he thinks it would be in S7's best interest to be with him 50% to enjoy a real family life. Then talks about when we were married (ah, we still are), and ends it all with "regarding the D proceedings, we're still not ready to move with any of that, yet."
I used to think my husband was so smart...
It's fascinating that someone would voluntarily sink their own case.
A lot has happened in the last month. I got a call on a Friday afternoon from H's new attorney, telling me I had to appear for an ex parte hearing @ 8:30am Tuesday morning, leaving me no time to get L in order. We both had used attorneys without actually retaining them.
Spent all the time preparing myself to go against H & his L.
Judge said it looked like H wanted a "second bite of the apple," although gave him a 1 time private mediation, instead of unlimited, "until we come to terms" that he requested.
Handing over almost $20,000 (borrowed) to my attorney for my retainer, spending a good chunk of that meeting with "my team" @ $1,000 an hour, finding out that it's still up to me to get everything together for my response to his 51 pg motion. It finally caught up to me. My immune system took a dive. I spent this last week fighting off several infections, one of which I caused myself by running into a stucco wall on my son's bike, the other's, like strep throat, prolly due to stress.
All of this happened when I went into no contact. No seeing, emailing, calling for any reason...all goes thru a 3rd party, if it needs to be addressed at all. Most of what he wants is due to that change. He wants the court to order that he gets to coming here for drop-offs, that I talk to him personally to discuss schedules, and even that we have birthday parties for S7 planned & held together.
I'm not backing down & going back to the way it was.
Here it is, over 3 years later, and I'm still dealing with this crap.
Big mistakes I made;
-Taking H up on his 1st offer @ reconcilation immediately, letting him know I was still in his back pocket, without his ending the A first.
-Not letting him go free soon enough, and moving on with my life.
-Letting the constant contact continue.
I could continue, I know it's pretty common knowledge around here what the cause & effects are, although when I first found this site there didn't seem to be as many wise "voices" as there are now, especially cases with infidelity included.
Who knows, maybe I just didn't notice them
Those who now have "the crew," are blessed (if they allow themselves to be.)
Take Care,
Sunny
Handing over almost $20,000 (borrowed) to my attorney for my retainer, spending a good chunk of that meeting with "my team" @ $1,000 an hour, finding out that it's still up to me to get everything together for my response to his 51 pg motion.
Wow!!! $20 grand, $1000.00 an hour and you do all the work??? That is outrageous, maybe you need a new "team" because this team seems to have an "I" in it and that I is just you.
All of this happened when I went into no contact. No seeing, emailing, calling for any reason...all goes thru a 3rd party, if it needs to be addressed at all. Most of what he wants is due to that change. He wants the court to order that he gets to coming here for drop-offs, that I talk to him personally to discuss schedules, and even that we have birthday parties for S7 planned & held together.
I'm not backing down & going back to the way it was.
I don't blame you one bit. You have no obligation to talk to him personally and it's just crazy to think a divorce decree would mandate planning and holding a joint birthday party - you are no longer a couple do primarily to his failings and he needs to accept that and move on himself.
Big mistakes I made;
-Taking H up on his 1st offer @ reconcilation immediately, letting him know I was still in his back pocket, without his ending the A first.
-Not letting him go free soon enough, and moving on with my life.
-Letting the constant contact continue.
Instead of "big mistakes" I would call these "common mistakes" that a lot of us LBS's have made because we initially focused on doing whatever we though we could do to save the marriage regardless of whether they were right for us or not. I hope you are feeling better!
BA
>>@BA- "I don't blame you one bit. You have no obligation to talk to him personally and it's just crazy to think a divorce decree would mandate planning and holding a joint birthday party - you are no longer a couple do primarily to his failings and he needs to accept that and move on himself."
Yes, BA, it appears that my H believes if you throw enough money behind super L's, anything can be done! In some ways that may be true, a dream team can sometimes accomplish the seemingly impossible, as history proves.
I've completed my response to motion---only took me 20 hours, or so
, but I'm satisfied it captured the important message I wanted to convey.
My S7 just returned last night from a week with H & I managed to stay NC, excepted with a couple of phone calls directly to S during that time. It hasn't been easy, I get e-mail & phone calls daily, turning up the heat on me to re-establish contact.
I think about when I did cave to the pressure & it makes me sick. That's all I have to do to stick with my decision.
The longer it goes on, the meaner he gets. The call from S7 last week had OW laughing in the background, then interrupting him to ask if he was ready for his freshly baked cookies & get back to playing Go-Fish with everyone.
So, today is the first day of our vacation until school begins in a week or so, and I'm really looking forward to enjoying it with my family. I did get an e-mail yesterday asking me if I wanted to just cancel my vacation & take it some other time, since I had to cancel my trip plans (due to his filing court motions)
A record 2 crazies in one post! I guess there could be more if I thought about it...but I'm not.
Thanks for your post BA, and I hope everyone has a great weekend!
Sunny
Sunny, I apologise for not checking in on you. I was on vacation for 3 weeks on August when all this happened and well..., I thought you had stopped posting.
I hope you are healthy now and I wish you could update us on what happened finally?
Love
K
Still sounds as if he doesn't want to let you go. He just has to have you in his life. The question is why? He can't let go and so he has to make your life a living Hades. Sorry that this is still going on.
Hope you are feeling better.
kat
Just missed you on FB Kalni...
I'm on my 3rd round of strep throat & back on antibiotics. Can't seem to shake it, seems my immune system is at an all time low. Stress of legal issues, 2 interventions with older son, etc., had an effect.
Back in the saddle though, S18 is in his 3rd week in college, one individual mediation under my belt & somehow feeling pretty good about my life.
I never really got why there was so much negativity about Lawyers, jokes, etc., until now. H's L has been pulling so many dirty tricks. The latest was sending a list of what their camp is passing on to the mediator, putting a false filing date & not including H's 51 page mistake. It passed by my L's, but I caught it & had it submitted for his review. This is costing a fortune on both sides & my retainer is shrinking rapidly. They did include a credit card payment insert, & I'm tempted to put some of mine on there, since he pays for it...not sure which way to go on that.
H wanted to rush this thru before his next trip. Didn't happen. He left for over a weeks competition on Saturday, missing his scheduled time with S7 & making that 22 separate vacations with a total of 148 days since we separated. Mine is running 0/0
.
Still on n/c, although I had to drop off S7 at his soccer game & see him Saturday. I went off to sit the period after pictures until the game & H brings me a book he's reading, "to give me something to do." Non-fiction, 1st paragraph begins, "I was only 3 years old & my sister 7 when our parents divorced. It left us with insecurities & confusion." Seems there was a message there...who knows, I'm not interested in guessing.
@Kat>>>"Still sounds as if he doesn't want to let you go. He just has to have you in his life. The question is why? He can't let go and so he has to make your life a living Hades. Sorry that this is still going on."
Thanks, Kat!
Not sure what he has in mind. It certainly has been a long time though. Sheesh, would prefer for him to leave me alone now.
Sunny
Get better soon, I know how it feels when your body starts demanding attention.
I dont understand your H. At all. And I am afraid he doenst have a clue what he is doing either.
Stay strong,
xxx
K
I forgot to ask are you still seeing the same guy? I know he had been a great support for you. You didn't mention him, so I just wondered.
Hope you start feeling better soon.
kat
Thanks for the well wishes,
K, I've only ever taken antibiotics twice before, so I'm hoping they'll be effective & I'll finally be free of swallowing glass anytime soon!
@Kat>>>
"I forgot to ask are you still seeing the same guy? I know he had been a great support for you. You didn't mention him, so I just wondered."
Hope you start feeling better soon.
kat" Yes, still seeing the same guy, although he has yet to spend the night when kids are present, and is pushing for more of a commitment from me. He has a cabin in Canada, so spends much of the summer there & that takes a little pressure off.
He mentions things like turning one of my bathrooms into a closet if we get married and I want to head for the hills.
He showed up 45 minutes early this Monday to watch FB game. I had my hair in these goofy pincurls, out in back doing a bit of yardwork while I had some time, and he "surprises" me. He thought it was a lot more funny than I did, lol. I made an attempt to explain that sometimes it's worse to show up early than late. I don't know if he knows about just agreeing & not arguing with feelings. Kept telling me he thinks I always look beautiful...ugh. May sound like a small thing. May be a male/female thing. Don't know, just know it made me question whether I want to continue moving forward.
Ended up being a really fun night, bc I'm pretty good at "self-soothing" & letting things go now. Well, enough to not let it effect the evening anyway.
See what happens when reality hits a R
I am feeling better, thx Kat!
Sunny
Mediation date set for Monday. H made an attempt to have us handle this w/out L's, as "it's getting completely out of control."
He has good reason to be nervous, I believe his declarations are filled with plenty of material, as the mediator from Tennessee says they're fond of saying there, that makes him "shoot himself right in the foot."
One of the best is in the latest declaration where he claims he picked S7 up hours late on Christmas Day because he remembered how he would wake up and want to play with his new toys, so he called me & offered to let him stay an extra 3 1/2hrs out of the goodness of his heart & now I lie and incredibly use it against him.
Only problem with this
A Christmas Story, is that
he had our son for Christmas...it was the day before that he had us waiting for hours.
His L would have been wise to keep his client away from that keyboard
Good luck on Monday with the mediation on Monday, but it seems to me that you are on much stronger legal ground then your H and should do just fine. He's taken enough rope to legally hang himself with.
BA
Yes, still seeing the same guy, although he has yet to spend the night when kids are present, and is pushing for more of a commitment from me.
Just be careful. Always do what is best for your kids. FIB
How did the Mediation go yesterday?
Begin'nAgain>>>Yikes! Walked out 3 hours later with a twisted stomach. My H is so successful in his business b/c he's a master salesman. He's paying for the mediation & I think that sets him up with an unfair advantage. It's also in the mediator's best interest to get us to agreement so he'll have a better rating.
So, I had to regroup, which took me from 3a.m. until 6:30a.m. this morning.
Our next, & should be last mediation, is on Thursday. I have come up with my bottom line & will take my chances with the judge if it varies off from that. I re-read the judges comments from the last hearing & think she might agree. Too bad it's not going to be over & done soon, it's so stressful & expensive.
We haven't even gotten to the financial segment yet.
So my H claims he's willing to cut way back on his work schedule & be more of a SAHD, & also forgo out of town competitions, etc., all the mediator has to do is tell him to & done deal. Right! He's so tricky...
Thanks for asking, BA, it's not over til it's over!
FIB>>>Yes, I always do what's best for the kids, so I decided it was best to go our separate ways. I don't want to begin a new relationship anytime soon. I was clear all the way thru with him, although I think he thought I'd change my mind. I've been trying to keep up with you & laugh thinking about someone having a problem with 3 lol's in one email, lol!
Sunny
Forgot to add this to my post. I switched over to using my mother's house for pickup & drop off of S7 a few months ago. He pitched a fit when I did, and now wants it court ordered that they take place curbside at our homes.
Having a difficult time with a good reason that's not reasonable.
Can anyone think of anything? I so enjoyed no contact.
Wow - a 3 hour meditation and not even touching the financial segment yet, talk about chinese water torture! I do hope today's session goes well for you. Stand firm on your bottomline and don't let your H even get a whiff of weakness on your part. I would hope that if he knows you are serious about this being your final number he will be more apt to settle rather than have it dragged in front of a judge.
As for your question regarding the drop-off location for your son. the only thing I can think of as a good argument is that having a third party involved provides you a "witness" should there be any conflicts or disagreements that arise.
Good luck today!
BA
So how did things turn out? Did you get somethings worked out? Some great progress in my situation which I have posted on my thread. Thinking of you.
kat
@B.A.& Kat>>Court was so exhausting yesterday that I haven't recovered enough to think clearly. My 7 yr old is very sick today with a fever & throwing up, poor little guy!
In a nutshell, my L arrived unprepared. She doesn't work on Fridays, they knew that & filed a new declaration & other documents on Friday afternoon, saying they had been accidently filed under the wrong case#/wrong court. Incredible that they got away with all the dirty things they did.
I'm trying to regain balance at the moment...
Sunny
Sunny,
First of all sorry your little one is sick and hope he gets better.
Your H and his L sound like a real fine piece of work. So did you come to a settlement and is it one you can live with or are things still up in the air.
I absolutely hate court proceedings!!! They just absolutely suck the life right out of you and so often lack common sense and reasoning all "in the name of justice."
Best,
BA
Funny how in court rooms fair play and honesty just fly out the window. Sorry things didn't go as smoothly as you had hoped. Big hugs to your son. Hope he feels better soon.
kat
Whew...just when I thought the wild ride was over.
@BA>>>Your H and his L sound like a real fine piece of work. So did you come to a settlement and is it one you can live with or are things still up in the air.
I absolutely hate court proceedings!!! They just absolutely suck the life right out of you and so often lack common sense and reasoning all "in the name of justice."
I called H & said I wanted to settle our MSA immediately, I had some #'s for him. If he didn't agree, my original L would take over & we would head straight into attorney h@ll. Considering the last few months of only dealing with visitation, etc., were painfully expensive, and as you say BA, suck the life right out of you, I guessed he would jump on the chance.
@Kat-It didn't really matter how dirty his L was, the only ones who really made out were the L's.
So, I had everything laid out when he arrived for our meeting. What I would accept & what I wouldn't.
Bottom line, I'm ready to wrap this up, get the MSA signed off by L's & be done with it.
Well...guess who's not so done all of a sudden!
-Doesn't know "how we got here."
-Should have never left.
-Should have come right back.
-Loved being married to me.
-Let's go p/u S7 & get some lunch.
I might have fallen for that before (I did in the beginning), not a chance now.
I asked him to have the changes made & get the agreement back so we can hopefully wrap it up in the next couple of weeks.
S& is feeling a little weak, but made it to school for picture day. So sweet...wanted to wear the same thing as last year, "But I thought you said I looked nice in that shirt!"
Sunny
Ah yes their timing is always remarkable. Just as they see us moving on with our lives, completely detaching from them and having some semblance of happiness they want to swoop on in and tell us how sorry they are and what a big mistake they made, yada, yada, yada...
So did he get the agreement back to you yet?
Best,
BA
Just stopping by to check in. Hope things are sorting themselves out for you.
Hugs, kat
BA-No agreement yet. Not one word about it since we went over the final changes. Could be that it's close to the end of the year & he wants to stall so we file M'd jointly.
Only problem with that is we have a court date in Dec. that the judge called "the last," or she will dismiss the case.
Kat-rather than things in my life sorting out, the opposite happened. My S18 is full blown out of control in every self-destructive way, so I've had to drop the rope with him also. My efforts to help him had the predictable result of making the situation worse. An addict can't be helped unless/until they make that decision. He has lost his job & is failing all his college classes.
This is hands down the most difficult time in my life...S18 was just here, pounding on the glass door, raging. Left before police could get here. Friend that's known him all his life was here, couldn't believe it if hadn't witnessed it himself.
Please send me postive thoughts & prayers...
Sunny
I am very sorry about the situation with your S18. You are exactly right though - an addict can't be helped until it is their decision to want help. I am going through the same situation with a sister who now finds herself in jail because of the choices she has made in life.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
BA
Sunny,
you got all my love and my positive thinking and prayers coming your way. I hope he gets out of this wiser and healthy. And I believe he will because these reactions do not dismiss the fact that he had had a great mom.
Love
Maria
Sunny ~
Positive thoughts and peaceful wishes all out in the universe for you from me.
Greek
BA~Kalni~Greek=Appreciate the good thoughts & words, thank you!
Last week saw a continuation & escalation of events...Like a bad movie I couldn't exit from.
Found myself in the registrar's office Friday unable to breathe. I've always been able to maintain my composure under difficult circumstances, so it was new to me to be unable to gather myself together. So, this woman I'd never met took me into her office & gave me immeasurable support. There are some incredibly amazing people out there, what an angel!
My son is out on the streets, coming back occasionally to try to get in the house. I have to let him go.
I gave notice to H yesterday that I want it all completed by this week.
I let him go, also.
Both were past due. Had I done what I should have, instead of "Bo Peeping," a lot of damage would have been avoided.
I'm certain of that!
Taking a page out of the Skills of Optimism class I attended last week;
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." ~Viktor Frankl
Sunny
Find your self, right yourself and all other things will fall into place. It just make take them a while to get there. Thinking of you and sending you strength and love.
kat
New v.m. from H just now, "S18 is living in alleys, he called me this morning & sounds desperate. I don't know what you're going to do about it. Just so you know."
Nothing I can do to save him from himself. Made that error with both of them, making sure they escaped any kind of real learning opportunity.
Kat-Trying to right myself. Much better than I was a few days ago. I minimized the shape I was in last week. I just left the gym, where I avoided my neighbor. I'm sure they've witnessed all the police cars here again & I'm not yet ready to be asked how things are going.
(((((Sunny))))) from the mother of one 18 year old to another.
kat
New v.m. from H just now, "S18 is living in alleys, he called me this morning & sounds desperate. I don't know what you're going to do about it. Just so you know."
He's not sure what YOU are going to do about it??? What about what HE is going to do about it. S18 called him afterall and not you. Why does he think that S18's problems are all your responsibilities? Geesh, where do these types of men come from?
I hope and pray that life gets immeasurably better for you and your son sooner rather than later.
BA
Just checking in on you. Any new stuff/good stuff going on?
kat
@BA- Yep, it's my job to figure out what to do about S18.
What I'm doing is the same thing I've done with H-letting him go. I haven't heard from him in a couple of days & it's a relief! He's living with a friend in a garage somewhere. Not much has been appreciated, although it'll be interesting when it gets colder around here.
Well, actually, I spent half a day last week in the Dr's office taking care of my skin, while I'm covered. After reading a post of yours a while back, I decided I better get on it. I had a mole that had changed significantly over the last few months I knew was going to be trouble, and it was. While I was there I had a good amt of sun damage addressed. Left there feeling like I'd been tortured. Less than 1/2 week later I can say it was worth the pain.
H is still busy toying with me. Sent me the revised MSA, saying there may be a few mistakes...almost none of the thing's he agreed to change, were changed. I just got it Friday afternoon (of course), so haven't wanted to waste my weekend dealing with more of this stuff. I did notice he put in there that it wouldn't take effect until after Dec. 31, 2010, but in his cover letter said we just had to file the MSA with the court and it would be final. I guess he still wants to file taxes together. I don't think they let you do that (File everything & put it on hold to suit your purposes.)
Letting go of both of them has been an excellent decision.
Sunny
It may sound dtrange to say, but I am glad that my lesson and bout with skin cancer is helping others. Yes, even if the outcome is the same as mine.
Letting go makes you feel better doesn't it? Hang in there. I am rooting for you.
kat
I meant strange. My fingers get behind my mind and I make a typo! Darn edit button and the mods that control it!!
kat
Hey Sunny,
Just checking in - how are things going? Did the D get finalized? Is S18 doing any better? Hope so.
BA
Merry Christmas, BA!
Not final yet...going on year 4! S18 just came by for X-Mas...high. Sigh.
I, however, count my many blessings!
Thanks for checking up on me!
Sunny
Much love and many wishes to you and your family Jenny!
M
Thanks Sunny! Belated Merry Christmas to you! Very sorry that S18 is struggling with addictions but you sound so strong!
Wow - going on your 4th year with no final resolution. That must be extremely difficult. This Spring will be 3 years since I had the bomb dropped on me and I geel like I have been in this limbo hell forever. I hope that 2011 brings resolution and good things to all of us!
Best,
BA
Sunny, I haven't posted to you in a long time, but I read your entire thread and think you are incredibly wonderful. I know you are physically beautiful (fb), but your inner strength and loveliness are equally exquisite.
My heart goes out to you regarding your S18. I hope and pray he finds the strength to overcome his current life situation.
How are things going now that we have a new year?? Are things better with your 18 year old? Have things been settled yet with the divorce? Don't I sound like a two year old with a ton of questions?
Hope the new year trweats you right!
kat
Hi Kat....Happy New Year!!!
A lot of twists & turns. I'd like to say better w/S18, but it's pretty much the same.
Still not D'd, although I think it's close now.
Would love to hear how you're doing. See if you can find me in the alternate, K knows.
Sorry S18 is not doing any better but glad at least that it isn't worse! (Positive thinking)
Glad your D is getting close to completion and you won't have that to deal with anymore. I know for me it will be a big deal and sigh of relief once mine is done but I still have a ways to go.
BA
I think I would make a good detective. LOL I found you!! We will have to chat.
kat
Hey Sunny,
Just checking in - how are things in your universe? Hopefully everything is improving for you and your kids, especially S18!
BA