My H and I have been separated in same home but he thinks things have not gotten better with us, so he will likely move out this weekend. He says he wants to DATE me to see if he feels there's anything left to salvage. Our first "date" is tomorrow. I need advice.
This is what I want to do: tell him how misguided he is to move out, tell him out it will devastate our oldest, tell him what an a**h*** he's being, etc. I KNOW I can't do that-I've read DR three times. I know I have to be happy, upbeat, but inside I'm seething and sufferring! I really need advice on how to go on a date with one's husband when you know they'll be walking out on you 4 days later.
My thread in case more info is needed...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=24877
If living in the same house didn't make him happy, what makes him think that "dating" you is going to make him any happier.
I think he has to see that first before anything else. That the problems go beyond you. He has to face his own unhappiness first.
How do you feel about the date? Do you want to go? If not, then I would suggest against it since both of you wouldn't be in the right frame of mind. Maybe give it a cooling off period, and then date.
I just feel that he's doing it to settle things in his own head to make him believe that "hey I did everything I could". I don't know where the WASs get these ideas from, but going out on a token date isn't going to make them happier. They have to "want" it to work first before going out. Even if it's a little desire for things to work out. If they don't have the initial desire or feel like they're "forced" to do it, it's not going to turn out very well.
Hi stuck808,
Well he did suggest the date so it's his idea. I am a bit ambivalent about the date. I'm glad he is still at least pretending to be working on it. I'm just puzzled as to why he doesn't want to be in the same house, yet wants to go out with me. I do worry he is doing it to appease his conscience. The reality is when he moves out , he'll be moving in with Mommy and Daddy in their lake home. Mommy will cook and wash and he'll have a boat at his disposal, so life will be great for him. He also has all his adoring woman friends, some of whom are now divorcing, so he won't miss life here at all. So I guess my point is he'll never face his unhappiness, cuz he'll have such great escapes from it.
OK, so the date is tonight. He confirmed last PM that he will be moving out this weekend. AND he's meeting with his attorney tomorrow, but says he is not filing yet. Please, anyone, any advice on how to handle this dinner!!!
Hi 2inlimbo
It is a very difficult situation you find yourself in and I understand why you have such mixed feelings. However, I would say - what is your main goal? By your presence here I will assume it is for your husband and yourself to reconcile. You can't stop him leaving but you can plant that seed of doubt in his mind that it is the right thing to do. The date is the perfect opportunity.
Do you know what you are doing for your date yet? Dinner, see a film?
I would set everything else aside and concentrate on having a good, fun night out. Make sure you look good, make sure you smell good. Have fun getting ready to put you in a good mood and then have a great time. Relationship talk, him moving out, the devastation to your children can all be discussed at another time.
That would be my advice. Let us know how it goes and good luck.
J
If your not up to what JCJ is suggesting.... say your busy. Then be busy.
OK, I did it! Despite the fact he is meeting with D attorney tomorrow, I was upbeat, interesting, funny, flirtatious AND I asked no controversial questions!! I really think I should be nominated for an Oscar because it was a lot of acting! I wanted to scream, cry, reason, but I heard a voice in my head saying "shutup!" and I listened!
OK, now the high is over and we're back to him moving out sunday and seeing an attorney tomorrow....the glow is fading, the victory seems small....
So despite our good date last night, H is meeting with the attorney today for an "informational session". He insists he's not filing. He's moving out Sunday but says he's still willing to work on it. I don't know what to believe. His actions seem to contradict his statements. Was wondering if others out there have had experience with similar situation.
I really wonder why your H wants to move out on the one hand, and then date you on the other hand. And couldn`t he just go see an attorney without letting you know if it was just an informational meeting? seems like he`s still trying to hook you in and leave you dangling along.
Maybe his moving out will give you both a clear space to recover from the crazy dance. To detach enough to see if there`s something decent worth saving instead of engaging in a game of fear/control.
Maybe LRT mixed with the Love Dare thing confused him too-now you want him/now you don`t. Would it be a good time now just to `go dark`?
Perhaps keep your focus on healing you and minding the kids?Let him make his own journey to find himself and what he wants.Maybe in this game we get too caught into minding our partner`s life and not minding our own enough!
Take care!
((((2il))))
Thanks, Fallgirl! Good advice as always!! I am so caught up focusing on his every action, every word, so filled with fear, anger and disbelief...I must get back on track with GAL. Let the chips fall where they may...
Oh don`t worry 2il;I`m an expert when it comes to everyone else`s problems!I know that place of fear anger and disbelief all too well!
The key thing for me was discovering through LRT what made my H tick(or thick, as the case may be!) The more I applied the LRT the thicker he got;instead of initiating R as I had hoped, he just got madder with me. Not quite sure what exactly triggered that for him but once I learnt(the hard way!) not to get caught in the crazy fear-anger-fear dance I began to feel more peaceful.
For my H blaming me for everything AND trying to make me angry is what keeps him ticking. So I`m unhooked from that.
I`ve also discovered through therapy that I`m very quick to jump into the fear place AND I like to control everything too so I really needed to let go for my sake.
I don`t think your H reacts the same as mine:yes, he seems to need to blame you for his problems but I don`t think he gets a buzz out of making you angry. Maybe he enjoys seeing you pursuing him.
I think being happily detached from him might help you see the unhealthy pattern between you.
Maybe. I`m no expert though!
I do know you MUST mind YOU and your kids.Plan lots of fun without him!
Yes, the LRT seems to make my husband more distant, he thinks I "don't care". But I'm sick of pursuing, it just causes me pain as he continues to reject me, so I'm not doing that anymore.
My heart is breaking at this very minute, he is meeting with the attorney right now.
2iL
(((hugs))) I know its hard when your H seems to be moving on but try to have fun just to distract you at the very least. Get moving on your goals for you.
And, no matter what happens, just believe that all this will work for the very best outcome for you and your kids.
I know quite a few DBers on this board whose WAS saw Ls and even filed but later it was dropped, him seeing his L isn't the end, though I can understand your pain that he is even seeing one and that it seems so final talking to a L, but it doesnt have to be.
As far as the date, I had one of those, that numbskull idea of "seeing if I feel something", he still doens't understand that love isn't a feeling it is a desicion, I'm sorry you had hopes that were dashed, but dont' loose hope hon. Sometimes distance does help, and I hope this is your case, that he sees what he is missing.
I do believe in fake it until you make it, but I dont' think you have be all upbeat and chipper when he is around, just relax, be yourself, the self you were before you met him...find that confidence again.
Well, H saw DA who counselled him not to leave the house for a separation. So H is staying but he's being so mean and unkind, I wish he WOULD leave! His negativity is dragging me down..
Hugs to you 2IL! I suspect your H wants to drag you down. My H is at the lark as well-sulking cos his mother says he has to stay-yeah great, I`m only here with you cos I have to be here. Don`t get any notion that I love or care for you.
Leave `em to stew in their own hurt. Detach. Detach. Detach. The old game is they get angry/demanding/whatever you jump.You`ve gotta stop jumping to his moods and get out there and don`t let summer pass you by. Make 09 Happy Memory Time for you and the kids.
Only you can make you happy.
Only himself can make your H happy.
It`ll; probably take a very long time for him to learn that lesson. Just don`t get into the pit with him.
That`s where I`m at at the moment and no, its not easy but the less I watch him the easier it gets.
(((Stay Strong)))