When I start feeling bad, like "this is never going to happen for me, I will never have my family back", I stop myself and think about all the TIME I have to make what I want happen. Days, months, years. As long as it takes or as long as I am willing. How many times have you seen "patience is key"? Well, it really is.
I am in dark mode right now, we live separately, she is in an EA with a guy from work she sees every day, and I will very likely be divorced in time for Christmas. Sounds terrible huh? Only if I let it be.
Remember...with time all things are possible. Water and time made the Grand Canyon and I think that under all that fog, she still loves me somewhere...I'd swear I can see it in her eyes.
I could be wrong, but...
Let me be the water in our R. Constant but gentle, forever moving toward my goals.
So for me, right now, these are my short term goals:
Personal:
Lose 6 more pounds.
Run a sub 30-min 5K
Bench press my weight
Relationship:
Don't waver from the boundaries I have set in my interactions with STBXH.
Try to make each interaction with her as possible (within my boundaries).
Avoid triggers that may put me off my path.
I really hope your sitch turns around. I really wish there was a magic wand that could be waved over this board and for all to have happiness. I'm in a dreamland right now for I see no silver lining and just dream of one.
Hi Superstar,
I'm having a hard time dealing with my impending divorce as being "The End." We have our first hearing next week and it feels like there is no turning back from here....I haven't spoken to her in almost 3 months. However, I like you really beleive that she still does love me as naive as that may sound.
Seaglass,
I can only reiterate what superstar says above. I went through a very similar situation to what he is now going through (for over 17 months) and my M did end recently, however, time is in fact your friend. Mind you, I'm not putting my life on hold; in fact I'm continuing to use this as an opportunity to achieve new goals and improve myself as a human being, but I also know this is the woman I want to continue to share my life with despite the big setback we've had. I'm not actively pursuing or badgering, but rather providing unconditional friendship. Aside from a month or so of acting like an idiot after she left a while ago, I've done nothing but show good will towards her and have faith that my patience and willingness to be understanding, forgiving, etc... will pay off. Some will argue that the WAS doesn't deserve this, but I argue that only you can make that decision. I wish you luck. My thread is in this forum, it's "Marriage with WAW ended, but..."
sorry, I meant it's in Walk-Away Spouse
Remember...with time all things are possible. Water and time made the Grand Canyon and I think that under all that fog, she still loves me somewhere...I'd swear I can see it in her eyes.
Ever so true. Your post was a great breath of inspiration. I know so many times I feel like quitting or that the test of time isn't worth it - so this is a nice reminder that love is worth all the time and patience it requires. Thanks again for the encouragement. Keep on keeping on
Hi Seaglass, your post reminded me of something and I want to ask the board's advice. I initiated divorce proceedings about 18 months ago, but let the proceedings 'pend' while we worked on reconciliation. When H dropped the bomb in November (after I thought we were doing well), I called my atty and asked her to proceed (in the heat of emotion, feeling hurt, etc). Now, we have a hearing on Jan 12th, but I don't know if I should proceed since I REALLY do not want the divorce. I do know that H will not file, he's leaving it up to me. I don't know what to do. Advice?
Thank you for your post Superstar. I found it when I desperately needed to.
Don't do it. Ask for more time. If you know your spouse will not file, then be patient. Read DB immediatley.
Time is on our side. I have been separated for over 24 months. Whew. I am in a much better place now than I was last year, but it is still a struggle and I need DB.
I look at my folks who were married for 18 years but have now been apart for 20 and they are still in each others' lives as best friends, just not married. It's weird.
People need to consider how much a spouse is a family member even after a break up.
Superstar,
Good post. I needed that today.
I've been separated for a week. Long story - will share privately. But, I still have some hope that one day things will turn around and work out. The focus right now are my children. So, do you try to pursue the reconciliation, or give it some time and test the waters later?
Give it time. The first few weeks and months are the hardest. You are raw emotionally and it is heart breaking but focus on you, do things to keep your mind off the situation. For now, your spouse wants the separation, and you do need to respect that. Does not mean that in the future things can't change.
I think, for most of us, we want to be able to live in the past and future. But all you have is this moment. For right now, the situation is what it is. Pursuing reconciliation may only push your spouse further away. So try not to do that, no R talks (either positive OR negative). Have no expectations. Just try to heal. What is going to happen will happen, but if you try to rush things, it will definitely be disastrous.
Great post!
I'm in a similar situation. My wife (married 26 years) had an affair with someone who was in our circle of friends. The guy was married with a family and when the affair was exposed he "dumped" my wife and went back with his family. She said that she didn't go out to have an affair but she wasn't happy in our marriage and things "just happened." The guy took advantage of her friendship and her vulnerability. Now she's devastated and can't face me because of the guilt and her still having feeling for the OM.
We separated over a month ago and she moved out. Now I'm a single dad with our 2 kids (19 and 16). She comes over once a week to do laundry and see the kids. She's cordial to me but no affection of any kind. At first I did the usual "pursuing" behavior that Michelle warns about. Now I know better. I've been friendly and warm, but no more trying to move things along.
I realize that (As Mick Jaggar once sang) TIME IS ON MY SIDE.
I know she still loves me (she says she does but in not "in love" anymore) but her love is clouded by the feeling for the other guy and her justification of the affair.
The more I read to more I know that I'm on the right track. She knows how I feel about her so I've stopped telling her. I've stopped the phone calls and the "I love you's" because they were only pushing her away.
We have a date scheduled for the end of November because I have an event that we already have tickets for and she agreed to go with me even when we separated.
I think that's a good sign.
I finally realized after 2 1/2 months (since I confronted her about the affair) that even though I still love my wife with all my heart it's really up to her to want to put things together. She has to show remorse and prove to me that I'm number one in her life, not the memories of the OM who dumped her.
I also know that I'm in control because I am willing to endure and have patience. I will SHOW her my love but not push and not pursue. I will be there for her when SHE calls ME but I won't initiate contact unless it's an emergency about the kids.
I've learned that it's not over until I quit and I'm just getting started!
Hope things work out for you. Any comments are always appreciated!
I finally realized after 2 1/2 months (since I confronted her about the affair) that even though I still love my wife with all my heart it's really up to her to want to put things together. She has to show remorse and prove to me that I'm number one in her life, not the memories of the OM who dumped her.
When I read this bit a light bulb came on in my head.
I tried to talk to my wife just a few days ago and told her that she had to put herself out there if she wanted something. She had to open herself up and have fear of rejection in order to fight for, and get, what she wants. I was referring to my daughters (her step-daughter) but I was referring to me too.
My biggest mistake, or maybe it wasn't, was to tell her that I had moved on and that I wouldn't take her back. At the time this is what I was feeling and I acted out of emotion rather than thinking. However I actually feel like it's cleared the air slightly as there is no more talk of the M as there isn't one.
Since then I've had a phone call (okay I missed it but she tried) which is a HUGE leap forward for us (the last call I got was probably about 8 weeks ago) and two texts. I told her no more texts unless it's just to exchange facts. The fact she listened was news enough.
I am moving on with my life but will not give up until the ink on the D is dry. But, as you said, it is up to HER to fight for us. I will be here when she wants to do that but I'm not running after her anymore.
I also know that I'm in control because I am willing to endure and have patience. I will SHOW her my love but not push and not pursue.
How are you showing her love?
I will be there for her when SHE calls ME but I won't initiate contact unless it's an emergency about the kids.
I am slowing getting the strength to do that. It was difficult for a while - a lot of pursuing from me, and also from her (which still confuses me) when I told her to leave me alone. The OM has now moved in with her and contact is now very different.
I've learned that it's not over until I quit and I'm just getting started!
I wish you all the luck in the world. I really really do.
Great quotes and attitudes here Superstar.. the name says it all! Good luck.
How long do you wait before becoming a schmuck? I often feel (and friends tell me), that I deserve better and would be happy with a woman who really appreciated me.
But I know I still love my wife and we BOTH had more work to do. This time it's only been two weeks, the first time we were separated for almost a year and when we got back, I hadn't read DB.
Great post!
I'm in a similar situation. My wife (married 26 years) had an affair with someone who was in our circle of friends. The guy was married with a family and when the affair was exposed he "dumped" my wife and went back with his family. She said that she didn't go out to have an affair but she wasn't happy in our marriage and things "just happened." The guy took advantage of her friendship and her vulnerability. Now she's devastated and can't face me because of the guilt and her still having feeling for the OM.
We separated over a month ago and she moved out. Now I'm a single dad with our 2 kids (19 and 16). She comes over once a week to do laundry and see the kids. She's cordial to me but no affection of any kind. At first I did the usual "pursuing" behavior that Michelle warns about. Now I know better. I've been friendly and warm, but no more trying to move things along.
I realize that (As Mick Jaggar once sang) TIME IS ON MY SIDE.
I know she still loves me (she says she does but in not "in love" anymore) but her love is clouded by the feeling for the other guy and her justification of the affair.
The more I read to more I know that I'm on the right track. She knows how I feel about her so I've stopped telling her. I've stopped the phone calls and the "I love you's" because they were only pushing her away.
We have a date scheduled for the end of November because I have an event that we already have tickets for and she agreed to go with me even when we separated.
I think that's a good sign.
I finally realized after 2 1/2 months (since I confronted her about the affair) that even though I still love my wife with all my heart it's really up to her to want to put things together. She has to show remorse and prove to me that I'm number one in her life, not the memories of the OM who dumped her.
I also know that I'm in control because I am willing to endure and have patience. I will SHOW her my love but not push and not pursue. I will be there for her when SHE calls ME but I won't initiate contact unless it's an emergency about the kids.
I've learned that it's not over until I quit and I'm just getting started!
Hope things work out for you. Any comments are always appreciated!
It's post like this that really make me enjoy coming on this board! I have so much respect for everyone here who is willing to persevere to try to save their marriage. To show your wife, who has cheated and defiled the most sacred aspect of a marriage, kindness/respect is an amazing display of true love.
Please read my post "together again" under the reconciling thread. Miracles happen--but the first and biggest miracle has to happen within yourself. Bring out your best, be your best, pray and wait...
Please read my post "together again" under the reconciling thread. Miracles happen--but the first and biggest miracle has to happen within yourself. Bring out your best, be your best, pray and wait...
I so agree with you SP; miracles ARE happening in me...my best is coming out again (finally)...praying and waiting upon the Lord to sort it all out is the best thing to do...we can trust Him and not be "in a rush" because we don't know what He is going to do and how our "other" will respond to Him...praying that mine WILL respond...he has resisted ALL counsel so far...glad that your miracle happened....hugs.
I needed this thread today. Feeling the pressure now that she has filed, again. I will make time my friend.
This thread encourages me. My husband filed for divorce today (no separation prior to that) and if all goes the way he planned, it will be finalized in around 2 months. Terrifies me! He was very nice today (go figure!) when he came home and I tried to stand back a little. He actually showed more attention. I'm not sure how the separation part will go. He's leaving tomorrow and will come back on Saturday to see our daughter.
Jessica
i needed to read this thread today. Last night was the first night of our separation, I expect her to file any day. I'll take this time to do some things for me, to improve myself, to develop a PMA.
I believe with all my heart that miracles do happen. I pray daily for God to work on both of our hearts. After all, His will will be done...I pray it's His will to lead us back together. Whether that be in a few months, years, decades...whatever.
I really like the idea of the spouse showing YOU that you're a priority. I had never really thought about that. Being cool and calm and letting them show you that you're important to them. I think that's a powerful stance, and it shows strength, and values you. And it should be that way, as well. My husband should want to be with me. I can be cool and laid back and nice, and he can show that he wants to be with me. Because I am worth it. I don't know if he will, and the divorce was his decision. But still. That's an important aspect about chasing. Stop chasing and let them come to you.
Great thread- something I needed to read today. H moved out at the weekend but is over every morning and night to see the kids. I'm trying to be patient but it's very difficult given the frequency of contact.
I am trying here...but I'm only a week and a half after H dropped the Dbomb. He left and is staying with friends since that night. I am doing my best to make time my friend, but I don't know if it is. He is pressured by time, because he plans to get a two bedroom with these friends and their lease is up at the end of December. I feel much better about myself but have had very little contact with H and so I am in such a limbo...
My wife left two months ago, hasn't spoken with me in one month. I am working very hard on GAL stuff, but am breaking down into tears nearly every day. Have gone dark. Want this marriage to work so badly and the no communication hurts so badly. Anyone have any success stories about WAS who break off all communication returning to the table to talk? Thank you!
So powerful. Any woman would be proud to have you or her husband.
wow--as i read your post i am desperately wishing that my SH (gone dark for one week--asked for D to months ago) would think this about me.
I've read this post before, and revisit it every now and then. H and I separated "properly" now, and he insists that "he wants out, he is done, he wants to be a single man". So I am not "given" time, I'm highjacking it. I know I cannot make him change his mind, but I cannot agree to a divorce, not now. So I will use all the time I legally can to stay married to this person that hates me, and I'm putting my faith in DBing and working hard on my self and my children's happiness. I'm lucky he hasn't abandoned us, I take that as a little victory and proof that even if he sees us as an "obligation" now, maybe one day he will work through his issues too and understand that I am there for him.
Thanks to super for the Grand Canyon quote. It gives me hope. Separated now for 8 months with WAW. We have 2 kids. She wants a divorce but Has not filed yet because I asked her no to. Staying patient is so hard, especially when you get so close to each others families. I prepare for worst but keep hoping we reconcile.
We have a 1 1/2 year old and it pains me to see how selfish WAW wife is.
Just wanted to say a quick thank you for your post about a spouse even when divorced being a family member. Even if my H and I dont reconcile we both want to stay in eachother lives as we have been best friends for years, I wont cut him out just because we get a D.