Divorcebusting.com
First Thread --> Ready2Change (1) looking for guidance!
Second Thread --> Ready2Change (2) - Detached
Third Thread --> Ready2Change (3) - Papers filed
Forth Thread --> Ready2Change (4) - Drop the Rope
Fifth Thread --> Ready2Change (5) - No trust
Sixth Thread --> Ready2Change (6) Temp Orders
Seventh Thread --> Ready2Change (7) Two Lives
Eighth Thread --> Ready2Change (8) CFI

Recap of my sitch:

I have been living with my wife for the past 17 years (married 11). We both are profesionals and make a good living. We have S9,S7,D6.

Feb 14 --> Realized my M was not in good shape.
Feb 18 --> I told wife "We need to talk". I listed out the following:
I want to do what is best for our M.
I want to do what is best for our kids.
I want to listen (really listen) to W.
I want more effective and frequent communication.
I don't want to get mad or angry.
I want to spend more one on one time with W.
I want to do more family activities.
I want to spend more one on one time with each of our kids.
I want to let W have the freedom to do what she wants.
I want W to let me have the freedom to do what I want.

Feb 18 --> I got the bomb (I don't want to be married to you any more, I don't want to slowly die inside, I want to find my soul mate )

I started DBing right away (Before I found/read book). Lots of 180's. I stayed out of W bubble and got into kids bubble. Cleaned up my looks. Started doing housework while W not around.

March 4: Read DR. (Wow those two weeks felt like months) Time was in slow motion.
March 4: This was the lowest point in R. No eye contact from W and only 1 Hi. She did not look good. She went to bed early and without saying goodnight to kids.

Lots of reading including:
Divorce Remedy
Venus/Mars
His needs/Her needs (good book!)

April 3: I find out W sells stock to retain lawyer. I believe I convinced her there is beter options including mediation.
April 4: First telephone coaching session
April 17: All day session with Wife and Michele
April 29: I visit lawyer to find out my rights. My state is Joint custody in 85% of cases and it is an equal equity state. Most of my fear goes away.
May 3 : I find out W has retained lawyer. Wants me to go sign papers at her lawyers on the 5th.
May 4th : Notify W I have lawyer and her lawyer needs to call mine.
June 1rst: Wife and I talk for first time in a while.
July 1: Wife and I agree to Nest. I have house and kids SMT W has kids and house WTF and we alternate S. 50/50 split.
Almost all communication is now by EMAIL. A few phone calls.
July 28th : Temp Orders -Parenting plans stays as is.
August 1-2 : I move out to rental 1/2 block from school.
Oct 1 : CFI (Child and Family Investigator)
So I found out today that W moved forward with the Child Family Investigator (CFI). We both agreed to this before the Temp Order hearing based on both of us wanting different parenting plans.

I don't believe I have anything to worry about, but the CFI has a direct impact on my future parenting plan.

Keep the prayers flowing for me and my family!

Thanks everyone!

*HUGS*
Wow Ready, even their title sounds intimidating. What exactly do they determine; If your current parenting plan is good for the children? It seems to be working out well so far, so why did W decide to do this? Sounds like there might be some anger still being directed at you.

You are wonderful with your child. I dont think there is much you need to worry about, but still.....I am hoping for the best. Please let us know what happens.

Thanks for you very indepth reply. I was feeling down (hormones ;\) ) when I posted it and you really helped me alot. And by the way, no way can you EVER call yourself a DAM. I am honored that you have taken the time out of your life to help me...a DAM would not have an ouce of the wisdom to pass along, or the insight you have taught yourself. You should be proud of all that you have learned in this journey, so no more DAM's from you!!!
Hi BH,

Thanks for checking in on me!

The CFI will be an unbiased opinion for the court.

W does not talk to me, so I do not know why she choose this path. I said I would support her either way, but would prefer the money be applied to our debt.

There is lots of anger directed at me. We are still in each others space frequently.

Thanks for the compliment. I was glad to help!
This sounds a little odd....why do you have an investigator involved...or is it routine...

How are you doing, Ready?
W and I disagreed on the parenting plan. Before we went to court for Temporary Orders, L both agreed that one of us would request the CFI. The court ruled in my favor, so W wants CFI. If court would have said I only get every other weekend, then I would request CFI....

I think it is all odd, but I just deal with what is coming at me one day at a time....

I am doing good (Thanks for asking). Things feel normal right now.
**HUGS**

When is the CFI appointment ??

All my prayers.
Hi R2C,

Good luck with the CFI appointment. I am praying for you and your children.
Hey Watusi..

My sister-in-law and her husband did something similar when they were divorcing. I was so impressed by the impartial, unbiased nature of the report. The husband was saying she was a raging alcoholic, she was saying he was doing everything to undermine her relationship with the kids by always pushing her buttons.

The report focused on the wellbeing of the young children. The synopsis of both parents was well balanced. It actually showed them how to be better parents.

Be your wonderful self.

*hugs*
Hello Friend. I am sure you are very busy with the upcoming investigation. I wanted to stop by and see how you are doing. Remember Ready, you are an inpiration to so many and have gone through so much growth. You will be just fine because you are strong and have so much love from so many of us being directed your way. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Joe Re: Ready2Change (8) - Child Family Investigator - 10/14/08 11:15 PM
R2C,

Wow buddy. This sounds nuts! Good luck with everything ok. My prayers are with you Pal. Youve been good to so many on here including me. I know that God sees this. He'll help you get through man. Keep being yourself. Ive posted some depressing stuff on S2's, Edgies as well as my thread. Had a minor chat with the w this afternoon. Im getting My 180s, GALing and Acting as ifs going big time. At least trying to.

Take care of you man, We are here for you.

Joe
Hi all,

Thanks for checking on me. Been busy with kids.

I met with the CFI, filled out her forms and she explained the process. She appears very nice. I don't believe I have anything to worry about....just continue what I have been doing.....

Keep the prayers coming!

*HUGS*
Hi ((Ready))

I'm so glad to hear it went smoothly.

Just keep in the back of your mind, her total focus is doing what she perceives is best for your kids.

From everything I've read .....what is best for your kids is spending lots of quality time with YOU !!!

Hugs
Hi Scookie,

Thanks for stopping in!

I understand her focus. I am glad her perception is not reality.

We had parent teacher conferences tonight. We did them together. I was able to DB. I showed interest in her running in SF this weekend by wishing her luck. Tried some small talk, but she did not engage. I complimented her coaching ability to one of the other parents that came up to talk.

I am off to the GYM!!! My back feels healed finally....
WOW! Can't believe how good it felt to be able to ride the bike again! Can't wait to get outside and ride.....
Hey Ready...sounds like things ae going well. You know they say exersice is the best medicine. Aparently it increases the good brain chemicals better than any anti depressant. Glad I found it as well. Enjoy the changing of the leaves on your ride.
Originally Posted By: Ready2Change
WOW! Can't believe how good it felt to be able to ride the bike again! Can't wait to get outside and ride.....


WOOT !!!!

hugs
How was your day ? Anything new & fun ?

Hugs
Hey Ready..

That "not intentions, no expectations" thought is something I've finding to be very helpful.

Thanks for sharing.

*hugs*
Been missing you friend. Hope all is going well.
Hi Ladies *HUGS*,

Thank you so much for being so supportive.....you are wonderful friends....

Originally Posted By: brokenhearted
Been missing you friend. Hope all is going well.
My life is going well. There is so much to be thankful for (even during this difficult time in my life). S7 was not feeling well tonight, but he is sleeping well now......

Originally Posted By: Scookie
How was your day ? Anything new & fun ?
My day was wonderful. Every moment was beautiful! I have laughed and cried.....I brightened several peoples lives (this is such a wonderful feeling). I was able to talk to a very good friend on the phone today. It was a nice feeling to be able to just listen to her talk about the issues in her day..

*HUGS*

[/quote] That "not intentions, no expectations" thought is something I've finding to be very helpful.[quote]You can flip this also and put 100% intentions on something. Dream up something and put 100% intention towards it and it will happen....I have 100% intentions on having a happy family...Working on me.....Kids and W will follow....
You do have an awesome attitude !!! Hugs
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
You do have an awesome attitude !!! Hugs
Thanks for sharing this with me. It takes a lot of work to change your thought process, but it is CRITICAL to do so.


*HUGS
*hugs*
Hey Ready, sorry to hear your son has been sick. Hope he feels better soon.

Glad you are back. Your little harem has been missing you. \:\)
Posted By: Joe Re: Ready2Change (8) - Child Family Investigator - 10/22/08 05:24 PM
R2C,

I like that quote about intentions. My DBing days have been off track lately and I am trying to get myself centered and strong again. It feels like my w is really trying hard to pull away these days...almost like Im forcing her to stay, or out the door, either way its not good. I havent been focusing to much on my 180s either so, I need to smarten up a bit.

Sorry to hear about your son. Its never fun when the little ones get sick. Keep up with the rock solid PMA. Last night at the M course, Im apparently touching people with my courage and strong will to keep my M together. They are seeing what I am going through, even though they dont know details, and put that knowledge into their M. 2 couples came up and told me that last night. Just knowing that empowers me to do betterfor my M. My w and I have alot of people praying for us. It does feel wonderful to show people my courage and know that Ive brightened their day.

Anyhow, havent heard from you in a few days and just wanted to check in and say hi.

Joe
Originally Posted By: Ready2Change
Thanks for sharing this with me. It takes a lot of work to change your thought process, but it is CRITICAL to do so.

*HUGS


How did you recognize the patterns at first ??

Hugs
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
Originally Posted By: Ready2Change
Thanks for sharing this with me. It takes a lot of work to change your thought process, but it is CRITICAL to do so.

*HUGS


How did you recognize the patterns at first ??

Hugs
Could you rephrase the question? Thanks!
Originally Posted By: Ready2Change
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
Originally Posted By: Ready2Change
Thanks for sharing this with me. It takes a lot of work to change your thought process, but it is CRITICAL to do so.

*HUGS


How did you recognize the patterns at first ??

Hugs
Could you rephrase the question? Thanks!


Specifically what did you do to change your thought process ? You had to first recognize that it wasn't so great.....then what ??

Hugs
Guess What ?

I'm so proud of myself. I did 17 medical reports today. Woot ! That's a record for me.

Hope you had a great day. Thanks for always being there.

Hugs
Hey Ready...

Hope all the change in your life continues the growth of the incredible man and father you are.

*hugs*

Scookie and Gypsy:

Thanks for stopping in. You both are very special friends. I appreciate all of your continuing support. *GROUP HUG*


Wow, It has been a week since I posted. Lots going on....

I have a sinus infection that kicked in hard yesterday, so I am at home letting my body fight it.


S7 Turned S8 Today!! Not my parenting time, but I am going to go over to school now and give him a hug.....
Originally Posted By: SmartCookie
How are you doing ? What's new on the mediation front ? How's the co-parenting going ? What are your kids going to be for Halloween ? Do you have them or W ? Are you dressing up ?
How's work ? Are you taking your vitamins ? LOL just kidding threw that one in there for fun.
Knock me over with the questions... \:\)

I am doing great! Each day is a wonderful experience. Thanks for asking!

I like the CFI. I feel comfortable talking to her and giving her my POV. I had to cancel the appointment with her yesterday due to this cold....

Co-parenting is going good. I feel more free to parent the way I believe is in the best interest of my kids. IE: less control, more fun, solid boundaries....

The kids are spending Halloween with MOM. This is one of the holidays that I love spending with the kids...Makes me sad that W doesn't want me to be with them while they trick or treat. Past Halloweens, W would rush to 12 different places and the kids spent most of it in the car. I want this holiday added to the divorce agreement with alternat years. I am going to address this with CFI.

W bought the costumes. I believe S9 is going as a storm trouper.
Will find out from other 2 tonight......


I have my costume. Last thing is shoes....if you ever make it to the alternate universe you may see what I look like! I will be out taking photos at the local events. Should be a really interesting night....

I am focused at work. Things are slow and there is some fear (only 6 of us in the office). I am DBing with my boss. He likes to debate as a defense mechanism...I have been listening to and affirming his POV.....

PS: I try and get my vitamins from a varied and ballanced diet...Of course I still need my Starbucks and cookies...
Here is another good book I highly recommend reading:

RUIZ:"The Four Agreements"
Be impeccable with your word
Don't take anything personally
Don't make assumptions
Always do your best
((Ready))

When I ask you about you on MY thread, it's okay to answer me on MY thread.

Thread etiquette rule # 37. ;\)

Hug
((Ready))

Don't forget to change the clock back, & charge the batteries. LOL

BSP

Hugs
What a weekend, here is a short:

1) Halloween: W came over with kids (Her parenting time) and we went trick or treating for 30 minutes (the five of us). It was nice that W stopped by, let me spend some time with kids during her parenting time and on top of that go along with us for 30 minutes. First time (since the bomb) we have done something as a family where I didn't feel any tension (maybe I have detached enough and not projecting anything on her)....

2) I had on interaction with W where I was able to do the "Hmmm" noise...It was good....

3) Lots of time with kids. Time with both my mom and dad also....

4) I went out Halloween night after kids and W left. Had a great time taking photos and interacting with people....
Hey Ready...

You keep asking me about a "Jacuzzi guy".. Hmmm does that mean you're hoping for a "Jacuzzi girl"?

*hugs*
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
Hey Ready...

You keep asking me about a "Jacuzzi guy".. Hmmm does that mean you're hoping for a "Jacuzzi girl"?*hugs*
I'll see if I can get my W to be the "Jacuzzi Lady"....
Ohh ohh... any ideas on how you'll entice her?

*hugs*
Maybe love,patience,compliments,surprises.....
Okie doke... how are you going to do those things?
Ready....been missing you. Sounds like you had a really great Halloween. Its my favorite holiday as well.

I got a question for you....is you W still with OM? Just wondering.
I do not know if there is OM or not. I did not go snooping......

HUGS
*hugs'n'glugs*
Goal!!

One of my original "small signs of positive change" in the R was W says "good night". She said that to me tonight.

W also invited me and my dad to S8 Birthday party at her house. First time I been in house since I moved out August 1.

Still no eye contact or talking but it was nice being at the party (opps forgot my camera)...



I also went out last night and had a great time. I did drink more than I really intended. It did relax me. I need to make sure that drinking doesn't become a habit.
Hey Ready!

That's great news. What other small signs of positive change are you looking for.. have you received from your wife?

What small signs (or big) signs of positive change have you had... AND

What small (or big) signs of positive change have others commented to you about?



*hugs*
Hey Ready, have you made a list of small goals? What are they? I know when I thought STBXH might be trying to come back I had a list so I could watch for small signs of progress. The key is to not be completely focused on the signes because they can consume you. You sound like you are doing really well and staying strong. Glad to hear there was some progress with you and your wife.
It is very interesting. Tonight was another one of those "Family School Events". I don't worry about W any more and don't let her affect me. It is a very good feeling. Even better, I expect her to be "normal" and that is how she is (or at least how I perceive her)....

Self fulfilling prophesy....

Another "Family School Event" tomorrow....Still fells good to be "a family"

I have the kids on Thanksgiving day....Going to my dads house....
As far as the questions about the changes and the baby steps.....

I can notice the small changes, but I haven't set too many goal and am not really doing much work on R right now. I am patiently waiting for W to let go of the anger.....Looks like she is.....
(((Ready))) sounds like you're comfortably detached from W. \:\)

Good Job !

How's work ?

Kids ?
R2C - Just checking in and wanted to say hello. Sounds like you're in a good place and your patience is incredible! I hope she does let go of that anger. I feel like my W is holding a lot of that too -- I can feel it coming out of her sometimes in conversations.

Family time is awesome...my kids had Veteran's Day off Tuesday so I asked if they wanted to go to a movie. My D14 was scared to be seen with the "P's" at the theatre, so suggested we go to lunch instead. \:\) So I took them all to lunch and invited W to join us and she did. It was nice just to go out and have some fun with them. Hard to find things to do with kids age 10-18 that all enjoy...but I did it!

Take care and have a great weekend! Edge
Posted By: Joe Re: Ready2Change (8) - Child Family Investigator - 11/15/08 08:28 PM
Hi guys,

That is exactly how I feel about my w to. I think she is slowly starting to let go of her anger to and it is coming out in volumes at me these last couple of days, but my FF turnout gear is almost bullet proof other then fire proof so I am not willing to get burned or let her bullits get me!

The only problem is that it gets to hot when I wear it aroung the house all day and to bed at night!!! LOL!! (Obviously JKing)

Joe
(((((Ready)))))))
This was my weekend with kids. Several interactions with W over the past few days. Big one was today. She was at church.... I saw her, so brought kids over and joined her. All my 180's were shining through. I looked good, smelled good. I was singing my heart out. Lots of smiling. No expectations from her. Still very little talking. Did say "Piece be with you" and shook her hand....Been months since we touched. No emotional reactions (on my part) from this touch....
Been busy with GAL.

Had kids this weekend, so lots of fun with them. The school had two productions (F and R) S8 and D6 were involved in. Was able to DB while there....Hardest part for me is the "No communication policy" my wife has.

Kids and I went fishing with my dad today after church. All the kids caught at least one....

Had one of the "new neighbors" over for dinner last night. They have 5 kids plus 1. So 3 adults and 8 kids... Good time.

Now that my back is better, I was able to do more around the house. Sat I got more settled in by organizing some of the clutter that happened while moving from the "Marital house" to the rental.

Went out with friends Friday night. Had a good time playing pool. Met some interesting people....
Posted By: Joe Re: Ready2Change (8) - Child Family Investigator - 11/17/08 07:10 AM
Good on ya R2C. It was my first day back to work so I went to church tonight and it was powerful. Im relishing being there right now, even though I am alone. Im making friends there however and it was good to talk and pray with a few of them tonight.

Acting as if in front of wife again. Watched a funny movie with her tonight and laughed my head off as she slept on the other couch. I did take her up and I tucked her in bed. Which is where I am headed now to. Keep an eye out for Edgie. Spread the word that he has it tough right now.

Have a good one.

Joe
Geez Watusi..

I ask for a list and what does your wife do? Lots of stuff! And you, too!

Your direction, motivation and growth are amazing and inspiring. You're a wonder to know and I'm thankful to call you my friend.

*hugs*
R2C - Thanks for the 2x4. I needed that. I'm glad you had a good weekend with the kids. Take care and stay strong -- it really inspires me too.
So BH and Gypsy asked about My R goals.

Soooo.....

The question I always ask: What is in the best interest of my kids? First: My INTENTION is to have a loving relationship with W. THIS IS IN MY KIDS BEST INTEREST. I can control MY thoughts, words and behaviors in a way that is loving to my W. This is MY CHOICE. The way I react to W is also MY CHOICE. I will listen to her and validate her point of view without being defensive or judgmental. I do this by being empathetic to her.

Wife being at church during "my parenting time" was definitely a positive sign. She chose to be with me and the kids. 60 minutes as a family. I am not going to read anything into it. I enjoyed it. It is now a positive memory for me. One of the other church members also noticed....

The next most recent positive sign was S8 BD party. (I received a "Good night")

The next most recent positive sign was Halloween. W kids came to my neighbor hood. We spend 30 minutes going to my neighbors as a family. W chose to walk with me and the kids. Again, I did not read anything into it and I enjoyed it and created a positive memory for me.

I can see the positive signs when they occur. They come a lot slower than I would have guessed, but based on the "rule of thumb" time line of a month for every year of R, I still need to be very patient. Filling up her love bucket without pressure is the difficult part for me. I am focused on not dumping her bucket. Harder to DB while out of her space.

Next signs to look for:

1) More time as a family. 90 minutes.
2) More frequent time together as family. To do this, I need to open the door without pressure. Thanksgiving???
3) More eye contact. There is still very little. I still use this to gage OUR R.
4) Casual talking would be a positive sign. Currently there is very little.
Hey Watusi..

Good to see you keep going with that positive stride. You know you've become a babe magnet... Right?

*hugs*
Hey Watusi..

How are those dancing skills?

*hugs*
Dancing Skulls are good! LOL

Dealing with CFI things.....
R2C - You have it as rough or rougher than me. But, you see the good in all those small things. I need to look harder at those things and recognize that. I do appreciate your comments and 2x4's -- I'm just really tired and frustrated (if you couldn't tell).
Posted By: Joe Re: Ready2Change (8) - Child Family Investigator - 11/28/08 08:50 AM
R2C,

Im here, Im hurtin, Im frustrated and not typin much, but Im holding on, barely.

This week Im coming to grips with dropping the rope and moving on. Theres not much left to do. Im trying to figure out what and how to say it to my girls.

I told w to choose. Face her fears and work on herself and get help. Help us.

Or,

Run away from her fears and we will seperate.

No more limboland. No more "I dont know". No more "I'll think about it." No more "I'm sorry." I cant do this anymore. Im tired of the hurt. The pain. The rejection. Im exhausted, mentally and physically. I am approaching "being done." Either shes in or shes out.

I just want to stop crying. I dont want to do that anymore.

Joe
Hey Watusi...

Sending positive thoughts and prayers for the CFI today...

You are amazing.. in how you process this, move this, make this all happen in such a positive, expansive, live your life and love type of way.

It's an honor to grab onto your tailcoat!

*hugs
Quick update:

Went to "Suicidal Tendencies" concert Friday night and the Nutcracker ballet today (With D6). What a contrast....

Concert clothing on Friday. Perry Ellis suit today.....
Well a big hello to you my friend.....long time away for me. Thank you so much for your concern and for checking in on me. I read over your list of goals and think that they are very reasonable in your expectations for progress. How are tings going between you and W? Are things becoming more peaceful and better interactions?

Thinking of you!
Well.....

I feel like I am checked out of M now. I am keeping a sliver of faith that W will come around sometime next summer. I am moving on and enjoying all the other people that do not have a fortress around them.

I had so many women flirting with me yesterday that it is hard to even desire W. I know W is still confused about what is important, so I will be patient with her. I will keep passing out the kindness to her.....

DB away.....
Hey Watusi..

Live in the now and keep your favorite questions in the fore front... "How will this effect my children?" "Is this in the best interest of my children?"

Or is there a time that changes just a tad?

*hugs*
R2C,

Thanks for your encouragement with my situation. After reading through your situation I am amazed that you can help others such as myself out. Your advice so far has really helped me stay focused on what is important. One of the things I've learned from reading your sitch is that I need to better clearly define my goals.

Hang in there man. You are a great man, and I know your W will see that and come around.
BBrown,

Thanks for stopping in. Always glad to help.
Update:

I completed the CFI 12 pages of questions. Lots of questions ranging from what did you find attractive about your spouse to what issues are you currently dealing with......

I am glad that is over. Lots of emotions while reviewing the past and evaluating the present......
*hugs*
And just a few more...

*hugshugshugs*
Why do I always expect W to be nice? I guess cause everyone else I interact with is nice. O well. Her problems. We had a parade tonight that the kids were involved in. I walked along with the boys and W was with D6. She didn't know I was there till the end. She kept saying say goodbye to daddy. D6 did not want to let go of me. I walked them all back to car. W was walking way fast for kids to keep up. I walked at kid speed.

Anyway just venting.......
Hey Watusi..

*hugs*
Originally Posted By: Ready2Change
Why do I always expect W to be nice?


A wise guy I know always says... No expectations, no intentions.

Quote:
I guess cause everyone else I interact with is nice.


Who can resist that smile?

Quote:
O well. Her problems.


They are her problems. She's not a happy camper and you're not behaving the way she had the script written out in her mind.

She hurts but you can't fix her.

Quote:
We had a parade tonight that the kids were involved in. I walked along with the boys and W was with D6. She didn't know I was there till the end. She kept saying say goodbye to daddy. D6 did not want to let go of me. I walked them all back to car. W was walking way fast for kids to keep up. I walked at kid speed.


Walking faster than the kids could keep up... or running away from you?

Quote:
Anyway just venting.......


*hugs*
Hi Gypsy,

The four agreements as your tagline. I like it!

Night
Ready, when my W gets angry with me I just think to myself. Angry is better than numb. Though angry isn't the reaction we want from our Ws, at least it shows that we still affect them in some way. Keep up the good work bro. Your awsome!
Thanks BBrown,

So here are some things that I enjoyed before arriving at work:

* Waking up in a nice warm bed. What a great feeling.
* Stretching in bed.
* D6 came in and snuggled with me. Lots of hugs and kisses.
* S8 came in and snuggled. Hugs and kisses.
* D6 and I relived us swinging at park on Monday.
* S9 came in and snuggled with me. Lots of hugs and kisses.
* D6 was laying in bed and and making her noises...
* Shaving felt good...
* Candle in bathroom smelled nice.
* Nice hot shower was great...
* The apple shampoo smelled great
* Getting my hair looking "Just right"
* Picking out the cologne to wear
* Picking out nice clothes to wear....
* Eating chocolate pancakes with kids.
* The nice cold air felt refreshing!
* Seeing kids off to school. I got goodbye kisses. They are with W for next three days. Glad mom is still in their lives..Other kids are not so lucky (Prayers)...
* Chatting with 3 Starbucks employee's
* Drinking my Mocca Frappachino
* Singing along with songs on the radio
* Chatting with a good friend on the phone
Great to hear those things! Think I am going to go play with my D3 and enjoy myself.
Ready...

*hugs and prayers*

I'm honored to know you...

*hugs*
I had my last session with CFI yesterday. Her report is due Friday.

Her statements were positive. She did say several things that made me anxious. I didn't sleep well last night. (First time in months). Time to get my head back in "The NOW".....
Hey Ready..

How did the night go? What are you up to today?

*hugs*
I feel great today. I did some stretching and I made sure I got good sleep last night.

Time to balance out some things again.
Hey Ready..

It's fantastic to hear you're feeling great.

How and what do you need to balance?

*hugs*
Maybe he's building a see - saw. \:\)

Hugs
Hi Ladies!

Thanks for stopping by.....

Some things to balance:
I need more ME time to just relax and exercise....
I need to eat a healthier breakfast. Starbucks frappuccinos aint cutting it...
Starbucks has breakfasts.. at least here they do.

Then you won't miss flirting with all your lady friends..

*hugs*
Well,

I don't have much to say about my sitch, only that W is still distant and angry. It has been 10 months since the bomb. I feel great, with the exception that my family is ripped in two. Final orders are in less than a month. It will be nice when the dust settles....
I feel anxious today. I have started the longest stretch away from kids. Next time I see them will be Dec 24th. I will be GAL, wrapping X-mas presents and focusing on making the rental more a home.
Hey Ready...

You're an incredible guy. Good job on making creating a home for the kids.. are you having a female friend help you?

They say that children model after their parents.. if you are calm and moving forward, then the kids are too.

Something very strange happened tonight.. perhaps disturbing. While hanging up Christmas ornaments my daughter saw the one we got before she was born that had the names of spouse, me and the two boys. She looked at it and said, "I was always sad I wasn't on this ornament. We can take off Dad's name and put mine there."

Oops.. that was off topic. Keep up that energy and smile.

*hugs*
(((((((((Ready)))))))))))

Thank you for being willing to go places most people wont. You are a very brave special person. Thank you for helping me to heal the scariest places.

Hugs
Gypsy and Scookie,

Thanks for the compliments. You are both wonderful friends. It is nice to have you both in my life.

*hugs*
Well.. it's fun to be sandwiched together..

*hugs*
Posted By: JCJ Re: Ready2Change (8) - Child Family Investigator - 12/24/08 10:09 AM
(((R2C)))I just wanted to stop by and say Happy Christmas. I know things aren't perfect (or not the way you would like) but you are doing a marvellous job imo!

Jx
Hi JCJ,

Thanks for stopping in. I am in a good place right now.
To all my good friends,

I have accepted the fact that my family now lives in two houses. I can stand up to W and say what I believe without fear. I know what I need/want out of a relationship, and have accepted that my W is not able/willing to do what it takes to make a marriage work. I know there is a woman out there that is....It will be a huge stress relief when the final orders are over on Jan 8th. I will be able to focus my energy back toward the kids and away from the legal issues.

Thanks for all your support!
My dear friend..

You are incredible.

*hugs*
Merrry Christmas, Ready,

I couldn't resist the chance to come thank you for the Christmas wishes. You stay strong too, m'friend. (I need a poke).

poet
Wife actually said "Bye" on the phone tonight......
Merry Christmas! Ready, your an inspiration for us all. I seem to get way more from my wife than you have from yours, and yet you seem to be in a much better place than me. I use you as an example to follow. Thanks for being my inspiration...
*hugs*
Hey Ready..

Your wife said "Bye" on the phone? That's a first isn't it? Or a rare occurence.

How was your Christmas with the kids?

Thought of all the hugs and love you were giving them.

*hugs*
Originally Posted By: Ready2Change
I know what I need/want out of a relationship, and have accepted that my W is not able/willing to do what it takes to make a marriage work. I know there is a woman out there that is....

Many of us have come to realize this about our WAS and our own sitch. Focus on yourself and your children.
I hope you had a good Christmas.
<< I know there is a woman out there that is....

and there's a woman out there that's hoping someone like you exists for her. I hope you two find each other.

Hugs
Hey Devil Bunny... (the ultimate DB'er)..

There is a woman that's right for you... in fact there's probably as many as a diamond has facets, a disco ball has mirrors, the space station has nuts and bolts.

Different people bring unique feelings and sense of being out of you. Think of all the people you turn to support.. are they all the same? Is talking to each of them unique or interchangeable?

I think this is a great time to experiment, to sample, to find what you like and dislike, to discover who you are as an unmarried man and father. When my divorce is final, I'll be more unmarried than single. But that's me and my babysteps.

Anyway, you can do whatever you want, Devil Bunny..

Enjoy and share the love.

*hugs*
Hi Ready,

Just read through your sitch...and, what can I say, you are a great man. Back when I started visiting this site, I read a lot of what Coach used to write about aspiring to deal with his sitch as a great man would - and I see that you are doing so. I admire your strength and positive thinking - and so happy for your children that they have you as their father.

It means a lot to me to read about your journey - your growth - and it reminds me how important it is to come out of all this as a better person - no matter what the outcome.

Cheers,
Carlos.
Hi Guys, thanks for stopping in. I am busy being Mr Mom until the 7th. Good times with the kids playing guitar hero world tour. It has been warm the last few days. We went to the lake and slid around.
2 hours til a fresh new year ! I sure hope it's better than this one. Enjoy your kids.

Hugs
I am not on the roller coaster anymore. I have found piece.

Thank everyone here for their support during this crazy year, Especially Scookie and Gypsy. You both have been great friends and I hold a special place in my heart for both of you! *HUGS*

The 2x4's and insight as well as words of wisdom are greatly appreciated!
Hi R2C, just wanted to stop in and wish you a Happy New Year... congrats on your changes, it looks like you have really worked hard on that and you are certainly a good example to someone like me who is at the very beginning of this path.
Hey Ready..

Thanks for becoming a dear and constant friend, purveyor of challenging concepts that when put into play brings great rewards.

You're a very special, strong, intriguing man and most of all, a loving and committed (in the good way!) father.

I'm honored and blessed to know you.

Thank you.. and may your new year be the best ever.

*hugshugshugs*
This is the week.

Mediation on Tuesday and Final Orders on Thursday......

Keep the prayers flowing!!!! Thanks for your support.....
Posted By: JCJ Re: Ready2Change (8) - Child Family Investigator - 01/05/09 06:05 PM
Oooohhh big week. ((((hugs))) I'll be thinking of you.
You know, Ready..

You have all the good stuff.

*hugs*

Oh yes.. sending support, prayers and warm fuzzies
Hey Ready..

Hope the mediation goes well.

*hugs*
Thanks everyone for all the support!

Mediation went well. We settled. No court appearance needed. I think the only thing left is to sign some paperwork.....

I will start my next thread in "Enjoying the Big- D" forums area...
Ready..

I love you focused you are, your positive frame of mind, your openness. It's truly inspiring.

*hugs*
Hi All,

Two interesting things this weekend:

W let off some anger with me (on the phone) and I just listened. It was way out of proportion with the issues at hand. At the end, I said "thanks for sharing". I may have gotten a little more out of her with a "Ahhhh I see" or similar, but it was a start. This is first time she poped for many months. I CHOOSE not to feed the fire. A very good feeling. I also stuck to my beliefs and did not try and "MAKE HER HAPPY". This also felt nice. I feel liberated!!!!

I also got a small smile from W at the church today. I am not reading anything into it, but I did notice it......
We only toss out those small smiles every once in a while to drive you totally insane. ;\)

hugs
Posted By: JCJ Re: Ready2Change (8) - Child Family Investigator - 01/12/09 10:33 AM
Maybe that shows that the way you handled it worked... so she responded with a smile instead of a scowl which she would have dished out if she was p*ssed at you.
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
We only toss out those small smiles every once in a while to drive you totally insane. ;\) hugs
To bad it doesn't work anymore! The only person that cane drive me totally insane is me, and I love myself too much to do that to myself....I choose to be happy no matter what W does.....
I posted this in another thread, but I believe it can go here to:

Quote:
I believe that everything happens for a reason. I do not worry about what has happened in the past. I also do not fear the future. I live in the present. BE HERE NOW!!!

I have a clear vision of my goals. I set my intentions to head toward those goals. I do the best I can. Some days my best is better than other days, but I still do my best.

One goal is to be be a great father. I may stumble as I work toward this goal, but the journey is what will make me a great father. I get back up and do the best I can.

Another goal is to unconditionally love my W. I can be patient and kind to her, and at the same time assertive and firm. My beliefs are different from hers, and that is OK. She is making the best decisions for HER that she can. I am doing the same. The D is finalized this week, but that does not mean that the R is over. It has just changed. She can be angry, happy, mad, or anything else she wants....I CHOOSE to be happy no matter how she feels.....
OMG R2C You are amazing!

I have only read your last thread and just now finished your first thread, and I intend to read it all until I finish, but your PMA is off the charts!

I usually follow those who seem to be close to my sitch but somehow I missed your story in all of the fabric of this site. I have seen your name several times in my travels but must have never jumped in. I don't journal as well as you. No one journals as well as you. Your first thread had me on the edge of my seat. Unfortunately for me it was like reading my own unwritten story. The only difference is you seemed to have your PMA 95% of the time and mine has been more like 25%. I can't wait to read the rest. I changed immediately just like you did. I do the dishes. I feed the dogs..etc. I have sustained it for over a year. Hearts softened a little. We even nest!

Well, W asked for a D last week. She got a L, I got a L. And away we go.

Anyhow, I don't feel right jumping in and trying to be your friend until I have read it all. But I will be back because I can't get enough of your PMA. Thank you for your words. I hope I can give back to you some day, and all your friends.

L
R2C,

You are amazing. Thank you for all of your sharing and wonderful insight. Your PMA is something I strive for. And I am always a sucker for a great father.

God Bless!
K
Hi guys,

Thanks for the compliments. What a year of growth. I have lots more I want to work on (ME). I am getting back into my hobbies again. I worked hard for the past year trying to salvage the M by working on ME. Time for a break. I will focus on being Dad during half of my life, and enjoy being single the other half.
Posted By: K4D Re: Ready2Change (8) - Child Family Investigator - 01/13/09 04:13 AM
How does one enjoy being single? I haven't figured that out yet. I'm not a loner, so I'm not really sure how to take enjoyment in that. If you find out, let me know.

Kevin
Posted By: K4D Re: Ready2Change (8) - Child Family Investigator - 01/13/09 04:31 AM
Don't answer. I just read your post on my string. Thanks,

Kevin
Posted By: K4D Re: Ready2Change (8) - Child Family Investigator - 01/13/09 06:33 AM
Ready2Change. You seem to have a very positive outlook. Thats amazing and healthy. I hope to be that positive with time. I am definitely going to take some of your tips. I do like the double chocolate chip frappachino at starbucks. Could be a good time to start chatting with people and just say hi. I have never been much of a flirter so it will be good practice for me. Quite frankly I'm surprised my wife ever had much interest in me. But if she did, then I must have something. I just need to dig down deep and pull it out again. But only for friendship as I will always be loyal to her.

However, if she chooses to remarry, and this is looking way down the road and not taking it day by day like I should, I'm not sure what then. I guess I will buy some more good smelling shampoos?

Kevin
Hey Ready..

Givers gain..

You're wonderful.

*hugs*
Hugs
I signed the final papers today. Wife and Judge will sign and it will be official....
Posted By: JCJ Re: Ready2Change (8) - Child Family Investigator - 01/14/09 11:23 PM
((((((((R2C)))))))
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