I needed a new thread, but honestly I am at a loss as to what to write. So, Jeff, since copying is the best form of flattery, I think I am going to take a page from you and just update.
But first, I want to hug Jen (((Hugs))) because I cannot imagine what she is going through right now, and to tell her that she and her D are in my prayers every day. Love you Jen.
The bankruptcy is finally complete, and I am amazed at how much less the creditors are calling. I do get my car back, finally, tomorrow. H has been great, and I have talked to him almost every day. Small steps, although in light of the circumstances of this week, I have begun to appreciate those little things more than anything. H is taking me to get my car tomorrow, and I am going to make sure he knows how much I appreciate all that he has done for me.
Job is great, and I will know in 9 days whether I will be permanent. Pray. It will be a little more stability in a very unstable year.
Yesterday was one year from the day H and I separated. He drove me to work, and although I am sure that he doesn't remember the significance of that day, it was a little fitting that we were not as chatty as we usually are. Just sitting in silence, a few words here and there, and I hugged him when I got out of the car. I am testing the waters just a little, every once in a while I kiss him on the cheek.
After what Jen has been through, I have wanted to just reach out to him and tell him how much he means to me, just so he knows, but I also know the timing is very bad. So I wrote him a letter, in my journal. I hope to share it with him someday.
Anyway, that is where I am. Not too much going on.
(((Lola)))
All of this, losing our SO emotionally if not physically, does shake things up and make us think.
It's amazing what life can throw at us.
I may end up sending him an email over the weekend. Nothing mushy, but in light of all of this, I really do want him to know how much I care, no matter what the consequence. Even if he turns and walks away. Even if he pulls back, I don't ever want him to doubt that I will always care for him.
((((((Lola))))))
Hope you are having a FABULOUS weekend!!!!!!!!!
(((((Lola))))))
Happy Sunday!
Hi Lola. Just wanted to pop in and say hi! My one year sep anni is coming up as well. Can't believe it's been a year. What growth! What pain!
Hi Lola...in church yesterday they sang the prayer of Saint Asisi and I thought of you. I hope you're doing well.
Thanks guys. I have been taking a break for a few days because I had some soul searching to do. Everything seemed to be going so well, and then the DAM had to bring up the good ole' D word again on Friday, while I am sitting in the parking lot of the auction house where my car was. Says to me "Can we discuss the other paperwork?" Me, duma$$ says what paperwork? He mumbles the divorce.
Well guys I have just had enough. I love my stupid German husband, but I am honestly sick to death of dealing with this crap. He is so wishy washy. Just when we get close, he backs off. I am LRT...dark. Completely. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to talk to him at all right now. I am just angry. So he can kiss my butt. I emailed him, told him he could do his own homework. I sent him a quick email this morning to let him know....drum rolll please...for those of you not in the alternate universe I received a permanent job offer from the law firm I work for on Friday!!! I wanted to tell him where he could shove his insurance, but I was a little more eloquent. He sent me a "Congratulations!!" and I felt angry at that. I did not want his congratulations. I don't want him to be happy for me. I don't want anything from him right now except for him to leave me alone and let me heal.
Vent vent vent
So that is where I am.
(((Jen))) I'm gonna miss you, but will see you "on the flipside..."
Wait I forgot the best part!
I actually told the DAM that I couldn't see him anymore. Man that felt good.
(((((((((Lola)))))))))
Sorry things went that way. But it sounds like you handled things pretty well! Congrats on the job! That is great news!
I am actually okay. I look at it this way: either I am going to get over him and be fine, or he is going to come to his senses and I will be fine. Either way, its a win win situation.
And an 8000/year raise really helps!!!
Well thank you! I can't believe I have come out on the other side. It was not so long ago that I felt my world revolved around this man. Now I realize that it doesn't. With everything I have gone through in the last year, it has made me a different person. It has made me a stronger woman. I am coming out of the financial nightmare, being able to face the future. It is completely empowering.
(((((Lola)))))))
I am so happy for you!!!!!!!!!! I'm so glad everything is improving for you. Even your DAM situation seems like it is being handled with dignity and grace. You are awesome! Send some of that this way would ya?
((((((Lola)))))))
Sorry he dropped the D word again.
But so happy about the permanent job, and the raise, getting your car back, feeling stronger, etc. etc. etc.
You are such a beautiful, wonderful woman.
(((Mishka))) (((Michelle)))
Miska, it is a state of mind. I am tired of crying, and being depressed. I am tired of walking on eggshells. I figure it this way, right now, I have nothing to lose. It's already gone, so why not focus on what I have versus what I don't have???
You know, its okay. It is a pattern with him. The thing is, I am getting tired, and angry, at the pattern.
But he is not going to get off that easy. He wants the divorce, fine. But he is going to have to file it. I don't think he really will, because he is so used to having me do everything. Well, this time I am abdicating.
My future looks bright, and I am going to focus in that.
Where is Lola? What have you done with her?
(((((Lola)))))
((((((Lola))))))
Damn skippy!
I LOVE it!
Jeff...aliens man. I am an alien...
LMAO!!!
I had the strangest dream last night. H was doing some kind of training in Germany, and we had not spoken. Then I received a message from him telling me to hook up my cam (I don't have one) so he could see me. He told me he still loved me and wanted me to wait for him until he got back from training. I told him I would wait for him forever.
You know when you have those dreams that stick with you and give you some pause to think? Yeah, this was one of those.
Oooohhhh NO!! Get the shotgun, the aliens are coming for us all.
Lola's becoming a webcam babe.
Let them try, those aliens aren't getting m.......
Hmm that is a strange dream
(((Lola)))
Woo Hoo!! Maybe I am supposed to change my profession to webcam sex slave...
I have the FMP's, I do still have the boobs for it... (*)(*) LMAO!! I could probably really make more money!!!!!
ROTF LMAO
You are so awesome!
I have to laugh. If I don't, well, no I have to laugh. The entire ordeal is becoming somewhat humorous...
Thus, I gave the ever so slight push needed to let the hilarity ensue.
Lola, here is some advice I was given from a different context on how to behave. Do things for your own amusement. Express, not impress. So, whatever you do, do it as an expression of who you are, not because you are trying to impress someone.
The more I try to live this sentiment, the more I find that life is a joy and well worth living.
Dan
Thanks Dan!! I like that and it does put a spin on things!
Glad to see you doing well Lola!
(((Lola)))
I missed you being around!
Im still around. I just didn't have anything new!
This afternoon has been a little hard. I am doing great most of the time, but every once in a while it hits me again. I miss him, the big dumb idiot that he is.
But I also know I will still be fine...
I am so tired! It seems now that I have gone permanent at the job, the work is neverending, but I am loving every minute of it!
No word from H. That is okay though. I miss him, but really don't want to talk to him either. It is strange. Sometimes the hurt still overwhelms me, but on the other hand, most of the time I am doing well. I think I am beginning to finally heal.
And one of the best things is I am not getting calls from damned creditors all day! it is exhausting, being broke. I wish I could win the lottery so I could just pay everything off and disappear into the world.
Of course, that isn't going to happen...but it is a nice dream!
Speaking of dreams, I had another strange one last night. H was still in Germany doing his training, and I was kissing another man. All of a sudden, H was trying to get me on my cell, but I missed the call, and because he was overseas I couldn't call him back.
Hmmmmm...
I wonder what the heck all of that means.
LOL
Strange dreams. I've had my share of them too.
((((((Lola))))))
You will figure out what it means.
(((((Lola))))))
Being busy is a mixed blessing. It helps keep your mind focused somewhere besides your own situation.
I hear ya on the dreams. It's so annoying to wake up with a vivid dream stuck in your head that you try to analize all day long. Probably not worth the frustration.
Probably not...lol!!! I just find them interesting...
(((Lola)))
I am just wondering... are you dark on your h now? Is it because he mentioned the D word? Things seemed to be going well there for a while.
Also, I just thought you may be able to help a newbie on the separated forum
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1617281&page=1#Post1617281Hope you are ok hon. I'm so pleased to hear about your job.
Julia
Hey Julia: There are a few reasons I am dark. Yes, H mentioned the D word again. We were in a good place, and he uses that to back off.
Mostly it is becasue the emotional rollercoaster is killing me. I am so tired of the up and down. I was very angry in the beginning of the week, but have calmed down since them. I think I am at the point of saying either way, I will be okay. I love my H with all my heart. But I also cannot just be his friend. I am his wife. If he doesn't want me to be his wife, he cannot have it both ways. I cannot stay in his life so I can be around just when he needs me. I have to be able to need him too, and right now, I can't. So it is better for me, and my heart, to not talk to him right now.
I will take a look at the thread...
Lola, I am just saying because you were going into stage two which is friendship. I know it is exhausting but you don't want to undo any good work you have been doing these past months.
It wasn't my choice. Trust me. We were there, and it was him that backed off. I don't know what happened. I just know that my heart can't take it anymore. I don't want a divorce, and I do want my H. It's just that he seems to be deadset on this divorce.
The best thing I can do for the both of us right now is take a break. I cannot trust myself not to break down, and either yell or cry. I need to get myself together, and then concentrate on this. I am not saying I am writing him off, just taking a break from the drama for a while. He needs to miss me. I am always there, I am always doing for him. Yes, he has done a lot for me in the last month, but to end the trauma of that month with I want a divorce was just a little more than I could handle.
I understand Lola, you went through a really difficult time, it was really awful timing on his part.
((((Lola))))
I understand you needing to take a step back Lola. Do it for you and gain your strength back. I'm sorry he brought up the dreaded D word again. I guess if he really wants it, he is going to have to do the work for it.
Don't do what I did though. My STBX filed and then dropped everything but didn't withdraw it from the court. I had a L on retainer and continued it on my side to try to gain some stability financially and in visitation for our son and look where we are now.
(((((Lola)))))
It would be really easy for me to file with my legal background, but I have decided that I am going to wait 30 days (from last Friday) before I decide anything, period. There are times when I want to file and just get it over with, and times when I say no its not time. I want to be absolutely sure before I do anything, and right now, I am not. I don't really feel the necessity to get divorced, I am not dating, not planning on it, but if I wanted to, I could do that too, so it really doesn't matter. I just want to get my feet under me first.
But I still miss him every day.
Missing him every day is all the more reason NOT to file. You love him. 30 days isn't going to change that. Only he could change that really. He would have to do something pretty haineous(sp?) to change that I think.
It would. I do love him. I have just hit the limit of what I can handle now. Honestly, I am actually in a good place. I am content with my life. Things are going well, and I think I just want to focus on that right now. I want to be financially stable, I want to be able to make sure I can do all the things I need to do. And if somewhere along the line we reconnect, great. If not, I will cry, but I will be okay.
So the first dark week went by, and my tooth broke. Seriously. Since the health insurance is through the DAM's job, I had to text him to ask if we had dental.
I can't wait until I have my own insurance.
I hate this. I miss him, and alternate between loving and hating him at the same time. The acceptance of all of this is the hardest part.
But I still ain't filing.
Sorry about the tooth! That sucks.
Did you get it fixed yet?
No it just happened last night. I am trying to be good and floss every day, and for that I get part of my tooth breaking when I was flossing!!! It isn't noticeable, but I want to get it fixed before it causes more damage.
What a bummer! So, do you have coverage?
(((Lola)))
That sucks!
Hope you can get that taken care of this week!
The best thing I can do for the both of us right now is take a break. I cannot trust myself not to break down, and either yell or cry. I need to get myself together, and then concentrate on this. I am not saying I am writing him off, just taking a break from the drama for a while. He needs to miss me.
I think this is a really smart plan. I've spent a lot of time with my H over the past months, and it hasn't really been a good idea, because the hurt is too raw and the love too strong. Regrouping is a good thing, maybe the best of all things. You get to lick your wounds, think, and be strong in your silence. You're not just reacting. What's that saying, "he who maintains control wins?" Haven't implemented it yet, myself, but I can't wait until I'm as stoic as a M-F.
Did you get your tooth fixed yet?
You'll be fine Lola, just ride out the pull-back. He's missing you again, I'm sure, and that's good because he needs to feel like an a$$.
Sorry guys! I think it is a conspiracy, when the offer you a permanent job, they actually expect you to work your a$$ off!!! LMAO!!! But I am loving every minute of it...
Have not gotten the tooth fixed yet, it is not a really big problem because it was attached to a bonding, so the bonding is still there and I am not sure they would do a whole lot anyway.
I have been dark for 10 days. Until this morning. To be brief, because I have to work...lol...I texted H to ask him if he heard when the trustee's meeting for the bankruptcy was yet. He texted back to say that he had not. Then I sent a text asking when the first payment was, and he called me. Kind of surprised me. I have demoted him to last name on my cell (lol...) so I was shocked when he called. I was cool, calm, and he started saying that he was not sure how he was going to make it through the week b/c he was broke, blah blah. In the words of Aerosmith, its the same ole song and dance my friend.
Of course, this is where Lola sticks her foot in her mouth and says do you need me to loan you $50????
Yeah, I know. Rescuing again. But I did feel bad, especially when he said he had no money for gas or food. So he is supposed to come by this afternoon to pick it up.
Damn. I am trying to stay dark so he can see what it is like w/o me. And I go and rescue him again. Shiznit...
Dang Lola!!!!!!
I guess if I were still Dbing my STBX I would have offered him money too (even though I can afford to give him any) but since I'm not I don't offer him a dime. Of course he's not supporting his child either so there ya go!
I understand the frustration with yourself for rescuing him. I did the same last night but in a different way.
Chin up. Smile, hand him the money, tell him good luck and go back to work.
(((Mishka))) That is my plan. He is coming by after lunch, so I have the out of oh sorry busy blah blah gotta get back to work, can't chat. I suppose part of me just wanted a little contact. Although these past 10 days I have missed him, it has not been nearly as hard as I thought. I have done a tremendous amount of vacillating, hate him/love him, screw him/still love him. I have laughed and cried. Part of me almost wishes I had not sent that text this morning. It makes me feel guilty in some way, and I am not sure why. I guess it is because I am supposed to get getting over him, and I know I have pulled myself right back in again. And I feel stupid.
Don't beat yourself you Lola. There is nothing to feel stupid about. You have so strong and you can make it through this.
Have faith. Grin and bear it.
((((((Lola)))))))
You are being a generous and good friend.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
You can do it. Just breathe, smile, and go back to work.
You're right. I don't think I could have lived with myself if I didn't offer to help. Its not my nature. Regardless of whether or not he misses me, I need to help.
Hmmm....
You know, the other thing that you offering to help does is show him that YOU can take care of yourself. It shows your independence and strength. I think it might actually be a good thing, even if at first it might not have felt that way.
(((((Lola)))))
You know, it's kind of neat that you actually CAN help, isn't it!
Hmmm, you know, Jeff, that is an interesting way of putting it. I didn't think of it that way, but yes, it does feel good that I can help. I am not expecting anything out of it, but to know that I can help is actually pretty cool!
Hi Lola,
I'm sorry I haven't posted for a while, but I've been following your sitch. I'm sad to hear that you're going through a rough patch just now. It's certainly the hardest thing we'll ever go through, next to the the situation that poor Jeninven found herself in.
But you are so strong, so positive and truly great person. It must be very hard to keep going when you get these setbacks, but as you rightly say, you do not want a divorce.
I believe that one day, your H WILL realise what he has been missing. Heck, he probably knows now. But having you around helping him has probably triggered feelings of deep guilt, doesn't want to cause you further pain when he feels at this time unable to reciprocate and is thinking that his only escape route is by initiating the D conversation.
I know that it's inherent in your nature to be gracious, helpful and giving, particularly where your H is concerned, and perhaps that feeling of longing and deep love precludes you from really detaching.
I actually really hate that word!!
Who knows what it means eh? But I have heard that sometimes it's only when we really really let go the rope that change can be allowed to occur.
Limboland is purgatory, no matter how strong, determined, or patient we are.
We are only human, and the hardest thing truly is to try to let go of that which we most desire.
I feel your pain.
But dust yourself off, and keep on doing what you do best.
You are an inspiration and a source of great comfort to others here, myself included.
I wish I could say something more positive to you, I really do. But I guess it is what is is right now.
Take care, thinking of you.
Grant
Hi Lola,
I'm sorry I haven't posted for a while, but I've been following your sitch. I'm sad to hear that you're going through a rough patch just now. It's certainly the hardest thing we'll ever go through, next to the the situation that poor Jeninven found herself in.
But you are so strong, so positive and truly great person. It must be very hard to keep going when you get these setbacks, but as you rightly say, you do not want a divorce.
I believe that one day, your H WILL realise what he has been missing. Heck, he probably knows now. But having you around helping him has probably triggered feelings of deep guilt, doesn't want to cause you further pain when he feels at this time unable to reciprocate and is thinking that his only escape route is by initiating the D conversation.
I know that it's inherent in your nature to be gracious, helpful and giving, particularly where your H is concerned, and perhaps that feeling of longing and deep love precludes you from really detaching.
I actually really hate that word!!
Who knows what it means eh? But I have heard that sometimes it's only when we really really let go the rope that change can be allowed to occur.
Limboland is purgatory, no matter how strong, determined, or patient we are.
We are only human, and the hardest thing truly is to try to let go of that which we most desire.
I feel your pain.
But dust yourself off, and keep on doing what you do best.
You are an inspiration and a source of great comfort to others here, myself included.
I wish I could say something more positive to you, I really do. But I guess it is what is is right now.
Take care, thinking of you.
Grant
Grant, you have some very good points. I have done okay with the detaching, but I am not sure exactly what that is. I still love him very much.
He did come by and pick up the money. It is very strange, because he called, and when I answered the first thing he asked is if I was okay. I told him yes. I actually was. I think now that I have gotten past the walking on eggshells phase, things are definitely better.
He stopped, and got out of the truck, and automatically gave me a hug. I don't know about men, but when woman don't want anything more to do with their SO, they don't hug. But at any rate, I did a 180 and gave him a friendship hug, one armed, little rub on the back. He was the one who did the whole chest to chest hug thing. At any rate, gave him the envelope, asked him how he was, he said fine busy blah blah, I said okay, bye, and turned and walked away.
And I feel okay, which shocks the hell out of me. Usually I am very broken up, or hurt and missing him. Today, I feel as if nothing special happened at all. It was just another day.
Weird.
(((Lola)))
Sorry to hear about your tooth - nightmare! Glad to hear about your interaction with your h, you sound very detached!
I wanted to post the following, that I received from a friend who wishes to remain anonymous, but is in a similar situation as the rest of us.
............As I move down the highway of life now, there are too few signs that lead me in the right direction. The path I have chosen to walk is infrequently used by others, and therefore I struggle to find a passerby.
I have seen the other road while I wore a younger mask, and It takes less to walk on that path. Although it is considerably less distance, it leads to a life that isn't suited for me. The destination that awaits me is one of kindness and consideration. It will be shared with whomever is awaiting me when I arrive.
The path I am on now looks like a deserted ghost drive. It is rocky terrain and the hills are steep and declines are horrid. The clouds have seldom allowed the sun to shine through them so the darkness is prevalent constantly. There are no exits along this path and my fuel light has been blinking for too many steps to count. Refueling is not an option before the path allows.
Good things CAN happen along this path, but those things are lost in the shadows until there is a break in the clouds. There are mirages along the way that allow me to hallucinate from time to time, but are those things real? Or are they imagined because of the darkness that has surrounded me.
Although I want to take the much shorter route at times, I know that my faith in the trip will allow me to reap much deeper rewards on the path that I am on. I know that God will justify my decision in walking this path in the end. Not just with the end of the path, but with my eternal spirit. That spirit will be present in the existence of my children for years to come.
I do not wish to be remembered as a martyr, only one man, who chose to do the right thing, regardless the circumstances they lie ahead.
That's just what I was going to say Julia.
That folks is what we call detachment!!!
Thank you, thank you...
It is detachment, isn't it? After all this time, this is what it feels like...
((((((Lola)))))))
Glad that went well!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lola, Just poppin in to say hi. Congrats on the job, I have spit pieces of a tooth out before while flossing too, I miss Jen as well, stay strong for yourself.
My W is moving back in this weekend but it is going to be tough. I have been doing a good job at detaching now I need to reverse and attach. I guess I will be hanging out in Piecing soon.
Cheers
ps You got that website up and running yet?
LOL Coach!!! I'm still working on the webcam...
Congrats on W moving back in! That is fabulous! You have come this far, you can do it!
It was a bizzy day again for the old case manager here (I just like saying that, you know I have my own office)...got to see the boss man in action this morning at a deposition. Man is he smoooooth..... I feel great that this job fell in my lap. I think this is honestly one of the best self esteem boosters I have ever had!
(((Lola)))
TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sounds like that job is really awesome for you.
The job is great. I thank God for giving it to me, because in the last three months, my self esteem has really gone up a lot. It has helped me a lot.
Now if I could just get rid of the rest...
I sent this to a friend of mine the other day, just some thoughts. I wonder how many people feel the same way, and have decided to post a bit of an edited version here.
I wonder who I am. Who am I? Because right now, I feel like no one.
I used to be Lola the Single. Then I became Lola the Italian's wife. I was married to someone I loved very much, and he hurt me. So I decided to become Lola the Single again. And I wonder what it was about me that attracted this violent, abusive man to me? What was it that made him think he could hit me?
Then I met XH and became Lola the American-German's wife. I married because I was afraid to be alone. I wanted to belong to someone, no matter what the consequence. I did not love XH. I tried to, and at times I actually thought I could love him. But it was not the kind of love that lasted. I did not feel passion for him. I did not feel attracted to him. I stayed with him for ten years, on and off. We even divorced and got remarried, because I figured it was better to live with the one you know rather than take a chance on someone you don't. And in the long run, I decided it was better to be alone than to live with someone I didn't love, could never love. I carry guilt because I wasted ten years of his life, when maybe he could have found someone that he could love, that would love him back. I don't know that he really loved me, or loved the idea of having a wife and family. He wanted everything his way, and for a long time I gave him that. And then I realized I couldn't do it anymore, and something in me died.
I became Lola the XW, no one. No ones wife. Just another single mother trying to survive. I did not regret walking away, and yet I felt guilty because I knew I had caused pain. I didn't deserve to be loved. I deserved to be alone.
And I was...for two years. I met XBF, and now I was someone's girlfriend. He was sweet, caring, and for the first time, I knew what love was. To be loved. Or did I? He never said he loved me, even when I finally said it to him. And after a year, I knew what heartbreak was when he dumped me over the phone on New Years Day.
And again, I was no one. Just Lola the XW, XGF. No one. It took me two years to heal from that. When I heard XBF had married, I cried. And I wondered, what is it about me that makes me so unloveable? Am I too intense? Do I love too much? Am I too clingy? I vowed to never let myself love again. It hurt too much.
And then, one day, I saw him. My first initial thought was he is good looking, with strong features, and I am looking at my future husband. Then I saw his wedding ring. Yeah, way off base. But H and I became really great friends. And when his marriage ended, he came to me. And I loved him. Without thought, without fight, I fell for him completely. I didn't want to, but could not stop it. I did not want to have hope that this man would be with me, that we would have a future. But every day I fell more and more in love with him. And thanked God every night, as I was lying next to him, for this wonderful gift.
And on July 14, 2006, I became someone. I became Lola, wife of H.
Sometimes, in the dark of night, I would wonder if he would leave me. But I pushed that thought away, thinking God had given me this man to love, and He would not take H away from me. I was afraid that H would find someone younger, someone prettier, someone without children. But I pushed that thought away, thinking H would never hurt me like that. He loves me. I could love, and I felt loved. I felt loved in a way that made me whole.
And then, H left me. And I was again, no one. Just a woman with a different last name.
The first few months, I couldn't think. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. If I did sleep, I would wake in the morning, there was a fire in my chest that would not go out. There was pain that made me cry every day. I cried at the strangest moments. And I did not want to live. I prayed for God to take me. I wished I had the courage to end my life so that I wouldn't feel the pain. I felt like a coward. I was cowering in a corner while this man walked away from me, and I didn't fight. But I didn't know how.
So I ask again, who am I? A year later, I still feel like I am no one. I have a husband, but only on paper. I smile, but if you really look, it is only on my face. The smile does not reach my eyes. I am afraid that if someone looks really close, they will see that I am no one. Why is my life defined by my husband? Should my life be defined by my husband? I don't know. But without him, I feel like no one.
The problem is, I feel like no one worse than I ever did before. There is a heaviness in my heart, a sadness that, even when I am having a good day, is still there, lurking, like a disease that has lain dormant for so many years, a screaming in my soul, that wants to pop up at any minute and say I am here!!! Guess what!! I am going to kill you slowly. I am going to give you moments when you feel great, but I am always there, lurking, lingering, and when you feel like you are finally healing, I am going to come back with a vengeance to remind you that it is not over. You are not yet healed.
It is the disease of being no one.
And so now I wait. I feel like this is a disease that is terminal. There are moments of clarity. Is there medicine that can cure this disease? No, just make it easier to tolerate in the form of an antidepressant. I don't want people to know that I am the woman who is empty, hollow, no one. I lie and pretend like everything is okay. And I wonder, what is it that makes it impossible for someone to love me?
Is it because I am no one?
_______________________________________________________________
I'll write more sometime....
But, no!
(((((Lola)))))
I know Jeffy Poo, I know. But I wonder how many of us feel that way. I know I am more than what defines me as a wife, as a mother. But sometimes, in my darkest moments, I wonder...
I don't want people to know that I am the woman who is empty, hollow, no one. I lie and pretend like everything is okay. And I wonder, what is it that makes it impossible for someone to love me?
Is it because I am no one?
Lola, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face after reading your letter. You have so eloquently poured out your deepest heart and I appreciate every word. I identify with all of what you have said as I'm sure most of the rest of us here do.
I want you to know that you are not no one! You are so many things!
You are a mother.
You are a powerful, soulful woman.
You are a grandmother.
You are a wife.
You are a spiritual woman.
You are a friend.
Most of all, Lola, I consider you a friend of mine. In my book, that makes you extra special!
I am not sure what else to say right now. My head is spinning thinking about the horrible pain you are in. I have had so much healing in the last few weeks but I too have thought that I am nothing and don't deserve to ever have any happiness again because I lost the one thing that identified me. But you are finding so many other things that identify you.
Lola, through Christ you can do and be ANYTHING! I know that you know that sweetie. Hold on to Him and he will show you the way through this. He is more than enough.
Thank you Mishka. I have not posted for a while because I was trying to deal with the conflicting emotions inside me. Most of the time, I really do feel good. But, as I said above, in the darkest of nights, I wonder.
I know I will get through this. So many good things, that I am so grateful to God for, have come into my life. All of you. My job. My daughters, my grandbabies, and the friends that have have listened to me tirelessly.
I think most of all now, I am exhausted, and wondering what the lesson of all of this is to be. It might not even have anything to do with me. I know being truly happy is to find your own happiness. But I also believe you have to face your darkest fears. And this is one of mine.
All in God's perfect timing Christine. God is healing you, slowly.
Be exhausted and watch and wait for the lessons. They will come, you just have to recognize them.
Love and hugs to you hun. Get some sleep.
Lola, I don't know if I can respond well enough thru my writing. You are someone, only you can answer that question on who you really are. But it is a big part of DBing - rediscovering yourself. You don't really know me so this is easy to ask - Who are you Lola? Not what you do, who you hang with, your roles, your look - Who are you? Great question to answer. Why would someone love you? Why did God put you on this Earth? You are special and cherished. Why? You are someone, I have experienced it, laughed at you jokes, watched you overcome adversity, care for friends, improve yourself. You are for real. You can handle it.
Cheers
Actually, I am surprised at how just posting that healed me. Sometimes it is amazing when you can face your darkest fears and realize that one is not defined by the spouses or the children, but by who they are.
I am not sure who I am yet. I am still working on that.
But I don't think I believe I am no one anymore.
But I don't think I believe I am no one anymore.
Hi Lola,
I'm so glad you feel better now. I have something to say about the emotion you recently had. I remember before I married my husband, and I was alone in the world without any children. People do not treat a single woman the same way as a mom or a married woman. I remember seeing this, feeling alone, thinking bad thoughts about it, and someone validated my thoughts. They said, "A single woman is invisible in our society." While I was married to my husband, I watched a T.V. show. Some famous actress dressed up like a fat woman and became invisible to the world. The cameras showed how poorly she was treated, even with disrespect in some cases. It was very sad to see.
It's true, but although the mainstream society rejects single women, we know in our hearts that we are good and maybe even better than some. Look in the mirror and see who you are. Your smile is gorgeous! Rise above the multitude and be the better for it. And, always remember God does not make junk.
poet
Poet, that makes a lot of sense. Thanks, I appreciate that perspective!
I actually got the courage to tell my H this morning that I am done. No more.
I have really tried over the last year to fix all of this. I have tried to be the person he wanted me to be. And now, I need to be the person God intends me to be. I told H that I was not going to file, so stop asking, and that I was tired of taking all the blame. I was trying to do the harder thing and fight for my marriage, and I told him to get his head out of his butt. I told him he could no longer use D21 as an excuse, she was gone and had her own life. And right before I hung up on him, I told him he would never find anyone like me.
I am not going to file. But I am done trying. This time, it is time for me to move on. No more loaning money, doing homework, or being his sounding board. And when the day comes that he decides to file, I will sign the papers and send them back. I am finished.
And although initially I was so upset about it, I finally feel good. I am able to look forward instead of looking back.
I think I am beginning to heal.
((((((Lola)))))))
That took a lot of strength and courage hon.
I am glad you are feeling happy and in control.
That took an enormous amount of hutzpah!!!!
You deserve only the best sweetheart. Go get it for yourself!
Love and hugs to you Lola.
I have to admit, I do feel better. Its like a weight has lifted off of me. I can finally be me now. I am not sure what that means, but as I am looking towards the future, I can finally see great potential. A house of my own, a place I can call home. Visiting friends I have not been able to visit. I don't have to answer to anyone anymore. I don't have to worry that I am saying or doing the wrong thing.
I will always love my H. But I also realize that as much as I have changed, he has not. And I cannot make him.
I remember when I had that talk and my moment of "decision". It takes a lot of stregnth but after that you realise that life goes on, and I felt a great emotion of relief.
Lola, dont be afraid of the future. NEVER question yourself again. I was reading yoru previous posts and wanted to hit you on the head. What our Ss decide should NOT define who we are and what we are worth. Like it or not, you have your own "value" and accountability about how your life turns out. Scary, huh? But what a great sense of control and power... Dont give away that power to anyone. No matter how much you love them.
You will be fine.
Love
K
((((((((Lola))))))))))))
Thank you for pouring out your soul, you are such a strong beautiful woman and no matter happens you will be fine!!
Keep up the faith and the PMA and remember how valuble you are.
((((Lola)))))))
Good evening sweetie! How had Sunday been treating you?
AWESOME!!!!!!!!! Glad to hear it.
(((Lola)))
Glad to hear it!
Thanks, actually I think maybe I got a bit of closure here. I am not sure I can explain, but something in me has found peace. I leave the rest up to God...
Good for you Lola! It sounds like getting all of that off your chest was just what you needed to have a final release. Wonderful!
Well, today has been a most interesting day. I sent H a text this morning because I needed to get my part of the BK money to him. I told him to meet me at Starbucks at 7:00 so I could give it too him. About an hour later, my phone rings, and it is him. I didn't answer. It goes to VM, and thirty seconds later it rings again. Again I don't answer. Thirty seconds and again it rings. I still don't answer. I get a text that he is downstairs in the parking lot and could I please come down so he could give me his share of the payment. I wait ten minutes, and text back sure. Go down, he gets out of the truck, meets me halfway across the parking lot, hands me the envelope, says its in there. I say thank you, (mind you I have not looked at him), turn on my heel, and walk back into my office.
I really wish I had eyes in the back of my head to see the stunned look on his face. I do know he stood there for about ten seconds as I was walking away...
Ooooohhhhh....that is interesting. I would have loved to have been there to see that!
You and me both Honey!!!!! Like I said, wish I had eyes in the back of my head...
HAHAHAHAHA
I love it!!!!
(((Lola)))
Lola,
Don't worry about the $50. I felt the same way about mine, and it was $500, several times. Yikes.
You have the power now! Doesn't it feel good?
I feel like I have gained a part of myself back. I have realized that its not that I don't love him, but I also don't have to allow him to walk all over me anymore. I am someone, with thoughts, and feelings. I am me. I can say enough, stop!
I know he got out of that truck because he expected a hug. If he had tried, I was just going to put my hand up and tell him no. But it worked out better this way. And this time, I am going to stay strong. I am ready to move on, with or without him.
GOOD GOOD GOOD!!!!!!!
You sound wonderful and I'm so happy for you. I know this is not what you want but you need to heal and step back for now. This is good. Let him do the hard work if he wants to come back and if not he can do the work for the D too.
No this is not what I wanted. And so my feeling is that if this is not what I wanted, why should I do it? I did not ask for this. I still do not want this. In a perfect world, I want my H to recommit. I want him back.
But I also realize this is far from a perfect world. I cannot make him love me, I cannot make him want to try again. All I can do is move forward, and leave the window open just a crack.
Now, if I could only find a HG like Michelle's...
(((Lola))) That works!
Hey girly!!!!!! You've been MIA for a couple of days. You doing ok? Just crazy busy at work?
Hey Mishka: Has been insanely busy, and to top everything else off one of the attorneys got fired this week. But, on the flipside, my boss says he likes my writing style...keep up the good work!!! I have no time to breath, or type!!!
I have worked my share of o/t this week, which doesn't bother me none!!! But it also looks like I may have to take work home w/ me this weekend, so can you all say I HAVE NO LIFE??? LOL I really don't mind though...
LOL
The plus of having a permanent job where they're willing to pay a little O/T is pretty nice though!
I'm sure things will slow down eventually.
Hang in there.
((((((((Lola))))))))
I miss him.
I wonder if letting go is the hardest part. I don't call, I don't write, and I know I can't. And I am okay with that. I don't want to let go. I don't want to believe that this marriage is over.
I am hoping that I will just wake up one day and not feel hurt anymore. I know I have gotten stronger, and I know I can handle all of this. There are things now that I appreciate so much more.
And most of the time I do great. And then I get moments where I miss him so much it threatens to take my breath away.