Haven't posted for quite a while on my own thread, but I thought tonights event would warrent it.
First off, today would be our 14th anniversary. W had moved out back in April and there is no sign of her interest in working on us, so I really wanted to just let the day pass without even a mention. Then I got to thinking that I might just tell her thanks for the good years and the kids. Nothing mushy and no gift. Just something to acknowledge it.
So tonight we had parent's school night and since we have two kids, we both went and each circulated between teachers. Things were cordial between us and I was feeling good that we could do things like this together, since we need to work together for the kids.
On our way out, I stopped for a minute to talk to another parent. W continued out the door of the school. I figured that she would just wait outside for me. When I left the building... no W. She had just left. Just left without even saying goodbye! There were still things I wanted to talk about on the way to our cars!! I was absolutely floored. She still manages to amaze me.
I was going to rant some more, but its not even worth it. This really shouldn't surprise me.
Sorry HFF. These milestone dates are the worst even if you have it in your head that you know how to deal with it. There is something very cold about your wife that I perceive although I have never met her. I hope she is warm with your children.
Hey Sara, thanks for stopping by.
I didn't think today's date was such a big thing. It really just occurred to me the other day that it was coming up, and I haven't dwelt on it. I've thought about it just a bit over the past couple of days and just wondered whether to acknowledge or not. I didn't expect anything from her, so I was not let down. It floors me though that I don't even get common courtesy that one would extend to a stranger.
I've seen often on these boards that people have said the WAS rewrites the relationship history to emphasize the bad and ignore the good. It bothers me that I'm losing touch with the good. I know it was there. I know there was plenty of it, but I find myself only remembering the frustrating and irksome things. Her actions tonight only reinforce that. What was it that I loved about her? Did she ever really, truly share and return the love to me? At this point I really don't want her back.
What is it you wanted me to say to you last night? I know we had some very good times and i feel incredibly guilty for the pain I have caused you. I tried to let the day go by yesterday as just another day.
I am still that person you fell in love with, I am warm and caring, just having a difficult time trying to be cordial and myself without sending the wrong impression. You and I were best friends and i wish we could still be but you see it as something more where i see it as a man that i still care deeply for but i don't wnat to be married to. We have history and that does mean something to me. I just don't know how to tell you that and still move forward.
Did I say cold? I should have also said impersonal. Someone who doesn't understand that conversations about relationships are personal and should be done privately. Others have found speaking directly to the other person effective, or writing a letter, or speaking on the phone. Sending personal communications via an internet bulletin board is cold, impersonal and embarrassing to the everyone involved.
Little journaling:
W the other day sent an email asking who I planned on using for my lawyer because she had filed papers through the courts and her lawyer wanted to send the documents to my lawyer instead of having me served. She also wants to have us get together with the kids to tell them that we will not be getting back together and that we plan on divorcing.
She came over with the kids around 7PM to have our talk. Kids were watching TV or playing. I asked if she wanted anything to drink, which she did, so I made her a vodka tonic. We went out on the front porch to have our talk.
So the objective of the talk was to make sure we were on the same page as to what we wanted to tell the kids. She wants to say that Mommy and Daddy have decided that don't want to be together anymore. She wanted to know if I still wanted to say that it is her decision to end the marriage. I told her that I was okay with her plan, that in the past before she had moved out, I didn't want to be perceived as the bad guy or the one that deserted the kids. I told her that I thought that we were past that point since she has already moved out the kids already have probably already formed their opinions. I didn't think I needed to force idea of blame at this point. She agreed and said that the kids don't need to know details at this young age, but that someday they would know the truth. I was surprised by that.
We talked a little about the lawyer stuff. I asked when she started the paperwork. She said its been in the works for about three weeks. She said her lawyer seems to want to get things done quickly as long as we are getting along and can come to an agreement on terms.
There was one point that she got choked up and was fighting to hold back tears. I think it was when she mentioned that there were quite a few local neighbors (I think other women) that commented on how they thought she was very brave for doing what she was doing. Cindi gave them the advice that if they can stay together and be happy, then not to think about divorce. I asked why she said that. She said because it was very hard. That it impacted and hurt a lot of people and caused a lot of pain for the kids. I held my tongue, but wanted so much to ask why she thought that she couldn't be happy with the marriage. Why she had pulled the plug. Partly because I didn't want to sound like I was asking for another chance and partly because I now really don't want to go down that path.
I mentioned that her mother had left a message the other night telling me that I was no longer welcome in the house. Cindi said it was because they were angry with me because I had locked Cindi out. I again explained my reasons to her and she again disagreed that I needed to be that extreme. I told her that it was a matter of her breaking my trust and also a privacy issue. I had no problem with her having full access to the house when she moved, but then I felt as though she had broken our agreement several times on taking things without letting me know. It also comes down to a privacy issue. She said I didn't need to worry about her taking anything big. I asked her how could I be sure that she wouldn't at some point get angry or spiteful and come in and take all kinds of stuff. She said that is not in her character to blow up like that or take that action. I told her that I really didn't know what she was capable of at this point. We have been married for 14 years and everything that has happened has really shaken my beliefs, trust and faith. She has surprised me many times over the past year. I trusted her completely and would have never anticipated that she would have an affair or lie to me the way she did. I specifically mentioned that there were times that I would ask her something that I knew the answer to and even had hard evidence. She would still lie straight to my face and make me feel like I was crazy for my accusations. She replied that there were a lot of things I did that she didn't think that I was capable of either. I came up with a few examples of little things that I found missing when I needed them and how frustrating that was to me. I think maybe a little that she started to understand, although she did say that she talked to her lawyer about this and she said that I couldn't do what I did. I couldn't keep her out of the house. I'll have to ask my lawyer about this because it really would surprise me if I need to give her unrestricted access to the house even though her name is on the mortgage. Doesn't seem right to me.
We talked about holiday schedules with the kids and it is nice to know that we are on the same page with that. The kids will do Thanksgiving with her family and we'll split Christmas. They will wake up at the house on Christmas morning to open presents and then go with her to visit her family.
The discussion wrapped up being fairly light and friendly. I've been thinking that things were going south quickly over the past week, but I'm glad to see that we can still talk civilly. I'm interested now to see the paperwork from the lawyer. I noticed that throughout the evening I never felt the pang of desire for her or of missing her.
So I guess we are on our way to officially wrapping things up. I'll be interested to see how the next few weeks go and find out if we can keep things civil.
Had the 'talk' last night with the kids.
I went to her apartment and we sat on the couch with the kids. W said we have something to tell you. S asked "Is it that you are coming home?" That just broke my heart.
She told them that she wouldn't be coming home. That we wouldn't be getting back together. That we would be getting a divorce. D was pretty much quiet the whole time. S cried a bit, but I expected that. He kept asking why we had to get divorced and that he didn't want to see mommy get married to someone else. We did our best to explain to them that it had nothing to do with them and the it was just something that we needed to do. That we couldn't be married any longer, but that we both loved them and that wouldn't change.
I am sorry. That talk was one of the most difficult things I had to do so far in my life. And my S (6 then) did it very dramatic with all his talk and crying and begging...
I am sorry you came to this. Hug your kids and make sure they feel safe and secure. That's what my kids are struggling with. And this kind of talk will come back for sure. Be prepared for that.
Stay strong and close to them. They need you both and need to see their parents are OK with what happened.
Take care
Kalni
hey hope, your stich reminds me of mine, what with the S, A, piecing, then heading to an amicable D, we are now "friends" of some sort.
It took a few months but I've reclaimed my life, I love my life, fought hard to keep the negative thoughts from eating me alive and by the grace of God I've won.
The part about telling kids is the hardest and what hurts terribly, try to remember that kids will be more affected and hurt by the way you behave while dealing with the S/D. There is this great coparenting book that helped me tons and showed me to focus on the right issues. The main thing i got is that we should view our stbx as business partners, with whom we need to keep a cordial and good relashionship so that the business (kids) thrive. The book is "The Co-Parenting Survival Guide", give it a try.
Thanks for the recommendation Cat. I would like to remain friends for the sake of the kids. We'll have to see how the next few months go.
This is my wish as well. Stay friends for the children but also for us, if that is reasonable.
Just an observation...
This past weekend I was visiting a good friend and his girlfriend down in Florida. During one of our late evenings of drinking, we got into a heavy discussion about relationships. They were talking about some problems they've been having and I was trying to give them advice to the best of my drunken ability. Thought I was doing a pretty good job.
Anyhow, at some point the discussion turned to 'soul mates' and that's when it heated up. I told her I really don't believe in that. That there are thousands of people that could be an excellent match as a partner. I asked if my friend was her 'soul mate' to which she said no. So my point became...
Why would you even consider marrying him then?
If you were to meet your 'soul mate' would you then leave your husband? (yes, she would)
How does one really ever truly know if the person that they believe is their soulmate is really their soulmate? Who's to say that at any given moment another 'soul mate' might come along and change the situation.
How can you ever really be happy if your 'soul mate' may be out there somewhere just waiting to be found?
So...
Anyone out there believe in 'soul mates'
I'm with you on the soulmate discussion. Plenty of soulmates divorcing too. It's a crock, just like fairy godmothers and genies in bottles.
I figured the major % of people on here would not accept the idea of a 'soul mate'. I'm thinking that for the most part, the LBS is a pragmatist while the WAS is an idealist. Never quite satisfied with the way things are. Always looking for the new, better job / car / shoes. I look back on how things were and am realizing that this was very much my W's personality. Never quite satisfied.
Very brief update...
Wife filed back in October. I got the papers this month and sent them back to my lawyer this past week. I really see no reconciliation at this point, nor do I want that. I don't think I could ever get the trust back. We are civil with each other when we are together, but there is just too much crap under the bridge at this point. The only talk between us at this point is about the kids and perhaps a little about money. She is back with OG and has even been introduced to his kids as his girlfriend. It has even gotten to the point where her family has requested that I no longer contact them. This has really bothered me as somehow I'm now the bad guy in their eyes. Okay, I did change the code on the garage door to keep my W out of the house, but hey, she did move into her own apartment. I think it's reasonable that I have some control over when she has access to the house.
Anyhoo,
Enjoy Your Holidays!!
Well even before all my marriage problems, I never believed in "soulmates". I also don't think there is only one person who you are meant to be with. I think there can be several. The difference is, you choose one and stick with it. If another one happens to come along, it's too bad...because you are MARRIED.
Why don't people get this?? It's really that simple.
It's been quite a while since I'v posted on here. Paperwork for the divorce was initiated by W back in October and I have also filed a response to that. Not sure how much longer it will take, but we still need to come to an agreement on the financial stuff and haven't even been in front of a judge yet. W is still seeing the OG and is quite open about it. His kids and our kids play together on her weeks with them. He has been introduced to her family and has dinner there, etc, etc. That's all fine. I'm not concerned any longer about what she does, but I am a bit concerned for the example this is setting for the kids. It all seems a bit too soon for my tastes.
Here's the latest drama...
My D's birthday is in a couple of weeks. There will be a party at a local, crafty type of place. My D said she wants her new friends (the OG's kids) to come to the party. I have no problem with that, but then my W tells me (via email) that the OG will bring the kids to the party. I almost lost it. I told her that I thought it was completely inappropriate for my first meeting with him to be at our daughter's birthday party. She replied that his son won't go without him and that she saw no other way. She wants to make daughter happy and there won't ever be an 'appropriate' time or place. I replied that she needs to find another way to get the kids there and that if he will be there I will not. And as far as an 'appropriate' time or place, I would think it would be some time AFTER the divorce is settled.
Anyone have any suggestions here? I really don't want to screw up her birthday party, but I really don't think I can maintain my self control if he is there at the party. It just feels to me that it is so disrespectful for her to force me into that situation in front of friends and family at this point in time.
If the child won't go without his dad, then they will have to RSVP that the child can't go to the party. End of story. Your daughter will not enjoy her party less for the lack of any one child. She has several friends she has only one father.
So I spoke with STBXW on the cell the other morning and asked if her BF was going to be at our D's b-day party. She said no. He had never planned on being there with his kids. She said what she did because she was angry with me for even questioning if he would be there.
I don't believe her and either situation is just thoughtless. BF being at the party would be completely inappropriate. Her telling me that whole story if it weren't true is just cruel. I'm not sure which is worse.
On another topic, we've been working through details of a parenting plan. She didn't like what my lawyer had drawn up, so we put together an attachment with a few more details. I put a request in the plan that there would be no sleepovers with a BF / GF on nights with the kids. She questioned it at first, but eventually agreed and signed the document. I dropped off the kids with her this morning before work and picked up the signed, hard copy of the parenting plan, and guess what?? BF was sleeping in the other room. They had just returned from Florida the night before and he was too "tired" to drive back home.
I should have just taken the kids back to my house and had her pick them up after he had left. I did nothing because I didn't want to make a scene with the kids. I just don't understand her rationale or actions. We have a documented agreement with her signature and she already breaks it. I'm sure she'll rationalize that the kids weren't there the night before, but WTF!?! Personally, I think the person waking up at the apartment is far worse. I mean, would the kids really know if someone falls asleep at the apartment? Isn't it much more awkward for them to see this person come out of mommy's bedroom in the morning???
I am just floored.
HFF,
The problem with someone who lies to you is that you can never tell which is the lie. Was she lying before or is she lying now? Eventually you will stop listening to anything she says, because you can't ever put any faith in it.