Divorcebusting.com

What's going well?

Posted By: sgctxok

What's going well? - 08/02/08 07:10 PM

What are some of the things that are WORKING for you?

Whether they are helping you to keep your sanity, or helping your interactions during your separation?


What kind of communication is working?


Does it help to vary the time or place?


Are you talking in person, over the phone, text or email?
Posted By: LolaL

Re: What's going well? - 08/03/08 04:30 AM

Well since you ask...

I have had a really difficult time detaching until recently. I am really bad when it comes to backing off and giving space. This past week, I think I hit my breaking point, and finally got so emotionally exhausted I was ready to give up.

I went to see my C on Thurs, and she gave me some great suggestions for detaching. So I thought I would share for anyone who is having a hard time, because this has really worked for me.

Take a mental step outside, a sort of disassociation from the sitch, and look at it as if it were happening to someone else. Then, ask yourself why what you are doing is not working (I wonder if this C read DR... because she is on the point).

I did that, and I realized that although I have been making an attempt not to call, I have not done so well. I have done better than before, no begging or crying, but I still contact a lot. I forward jokes, I send little "hi" texts, I call just to say hi. This, of course, is not working. Although I have done better, I still have room for improvement.

I also realized that what my H is going through may not have all that much to do with me. This is not to say that the problems were all his fault, I had my share of issues as well. But my C also said that I have been addressing MY issues, and he has not been addressing his, therefore there is not much I can do right now. I realized that the fact that he does not want to talk to me now may not have much to do with me. If I need something he can give, he is right there to give it. But right now, he cannot do more.

Taking that step back and really mentally looking at the sitch as if I were an outsider helped me to detach a lot, and quickly. I cannot tell you I still don't think of my H frequently, but it is without pain. I am not always checking the phone to see if he has called. I am not expecting him to call. Right now, he cannot give anymore than he can, and I accept that.

I also have been able to come to terms with the fact that although I love my H with all my heart, if we don't reconcile at some point in the future, I will be okay. I will always love him, and miss him, but if it is meant to be, it will be. If it is not, it won't. And nothing I can do or say is going to change that.

A wise friend on this board once told me detaching is not about making the WAS miss you, but healing yourself. I am starting to heal. There are bittersweet moments, but honestly, this has worked for me. Detaching or disassociating myself from the sitch has help in a tremendous manner.

Last thing...I know this is long. I realized that it was not until now that I was actually READY to detach. I thought that by detaching, I was letting go of hope and faith. That's not it. It is about letting go of the pain, and forgiveness. I am still sad, but it is a clean kind of sad rather than having this heaviness on my heart all the time. And for that I am grateful.
Posted By: arianne123

Re: What's going well? - 08/04/08 06:27 AM

Hi your post really helped me...weve been separated 14 months and because he is so confused and doesnt know what he wants I have had great trouble detaching .We were married 28 years.Now I am slowly beginning to realise its down to him to fight his own demons and I need to step aside and let him be. But isnt it hard to watch someone you love in so much confusion and guilt?
Posted By: LolaL

Re: What's going well? - 08/04/08 02:33 PM

Yes, I can totally relate to that. It is hard. Your post actually helped me a bit, because I was beginning to think 10 months was too long!

I think what we need to remember is what they are going through really has to do with something THEY are struggling with. It is in our nature, and because we love them unconditionally, to want to fix it. But we can't. They need to be able to fix it themselves. This is a difficult realization to come to, but I think sometimes they just need to sort it all out in their minds.

I am glad I could help. Once I started practicing this method, it really gave me some peace (even though it has really only been a few days...)
Posted By: pisces9

Re: What's going well? - 08/04/08 11:44 PM

What are some of the things that are WORKING for you?

- listening and validating anything he says
- shutting my trap \:\)
- GAL for me- excercise, healthy food, painting,movies, girlfriends,crafts, etc
- reading DR and coming here, journaling
-not reacting to anything in my life..for them most part...calming my temper
-bubble baths
-TV
-PMA!
- patience like i never thought i had- stamina to go the distance
- DB coach \:\)
- playing with my dog- walking with her

Whether they are helping you to keep your sanity, or helping your interactions during your separation?

BOTH- helps my entire life to be the way im being...i will never change these things


What kind of communication is working?

- some phone, more in person
- he likes to email or text...i am going with the flow and not pushing one more than the other
- mixture of ways to communicate... he opens up a lot in emails, sometimes in person too.. huge step
- nonverbal- listening is the biggest, PMA, positive vibes, loving, CASUAL FRIENDS
- being his cheerleader...saying how excited i am for him for this and that- always very interested in him...

Does it help to vary the time or place?

- yes- spur of the momnent is easiest for us..hike or dinner or lunch..last minute..if he can come along, great, if not thats ok too...
- tomorrow is our first breakfast..he said oh that would be great- i wanted to ask but... ( i dont like mornings so this will be good to SHOW him i am flexible).. he likes mornings so i recommended it..

Are you talking in person, over the phone, text or email?

- most via email/ text to set up in person ( i always flirt in those)
- in person he really opens up a lot about himself (amazing progress)
- over the phone not a lot...becoming more...

so i can see it is all good- more of this and that- slowly and steadily !
Posted By: sgctxok

Re: What's going well? - 08/05/08 01:13 AM

pisces...you are being VERY solution oriented.

I love how you are creative in finding ways to spice it up:


" most via email/ text to set up in person ( i always flirt in those)"


you're doing something RIGHT \:\)


YOU GO GIRL!!! Keep it up!!!
Posted By: pisces9

Re: What's going well? - 08/05/08 02:43 AM

Thanks SG! i get a warm fuzzy feeling when i get rooted on! thank you!
Posted By: minkerman

Re: What's going well? - 08/08/08 09:33 PM

I will say what worked for me, not what is working ;\)

The biggest thing that changed my W's perception of who she "thought" I was...

I started acting like a decisive, confident man. Like the way I was when we met 30 years ago, and that I somehow lost. I had turned into a boring, wussy, approval-seeker! ACK! Looking back, I don't know how I got there, but I did. I'm ashamed of my former self.

I used the DR book as my bible. I was the poster child.

I also signed up for DB coaching, and it was fabulous.

Over the months that we were separated, I gradually started getting my own life, and I rediscovered myself, the REAL me.

I started playing guitar again, I started painting again, I went out with friends, and I actually asked a woman out on a date. One night my W and I went out for dinner and I told her I was done, that I was moving on.

The next day, my W asked if we could try again.

Since then, each day has pretty much been better than the last. I am more in love with her than ever, and she tells me she loves me all the time too. The desire, the affection, the touching...it's all back, in spades.

We are going through the uncomfortable (for her especially) process of reconnecting with our friends now.

So that's my story, so far.

Keep it up folks, and here's my last gem of wisdom. The Number 1 thing you have to do is:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
BE CONSISTENT.
Posted By: LolaL

Re: What's going well? - 08/09/08 03:52 PM

Mink...that is an inspirational story! Very good advice, and some that gives me much food for thought!
Posted By: sgctxok

Re: What's going well? - 08/14/08 03:13 AM

Originally Posted By: minkerman
I will say what worked for me, not what is working ;\)

The biggest thing that changed my W's perception of who she "thought" I was...

I started acting like a decisive, confident man. Like the way I was when we met 30 years ago, and that I somehow lost. I had turned into a boring, wussy, approval-seeker! ACK! Looking back, I don't know how I got there, but I did. I'm ashamed of my former self.

I used the DR book as my bible. I was the poster child.

I also signed up for DB coaching, and it was fabulous.

Over the months that we were separated, I gradually started getting my own life, and I rediscovered myself, the REAL me.

I started playing guitar again, I started painting again, I went out with friends, and I actually asked a woman out on a date. One night my W and I went out for dinner and I told her I was done, that I was moving on.

The next day, my W asked if we could try again.

Since then, each day has pretty much been better than the last. I am more in love with her than ever, and she tells me she loves me all the time too. The desire, the affection, the touching...it's all back, in spades.

We are going through the uncomfortable (for her especially) process of reconnecting with our friends now.

So that's my story, so far.

Keep it up folks, and here's my last gem of wisdom. The Number 1 thing you have to do is:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
BE CONSISTENT.



I love it.
Posted By: kiwi000

Re: What's going well? - 08/27/08 06:46 AM

Way cool advice, gives me hope 14 months in and about the same place. going to tell WAW that I'm done and ready to move on, not out of anger but because I have found ME again. Either way, I've come through separation and DR got me through it.
Posted By: istherehope

Re: What's going well? - 08/27/08 07:57 AM

What are some of the things that are WORKING for you?

It depends. We've been apart one month now. 2 weeks I was in the same country, and for the last 2 weeks I haven't been. What worked in the same country was to really notice his physical appearance, and how good he looks since he's been working out more. It also worked for me to make fairly big gestures that were 180s for me, even though they weren't acknowledged until recently, e.g. I said I'd be willing to move somewhere for my H, and last week he said what flexibility this demonstrated to him, and how much he appreciated it.

What's been working since I've been out of the country is to never be the first to initiate contact. I let him take the lead. On days where he initiates contact, I usually send one short email that is a kind of 180, e.g. apologizing for something he brought up on a joint phone session, or offering to give him some of my own spending money for his guys' trip. These things haven't been directly acknowledged yet, but with H things seem to take a few weeks to register. I am also matching H's mood. He is pretty somber and depressed at the moment, so I have recently quit trying to be overly enthusiastic, and have answered questions with one-word responses. Usually this means he communicates a little bit more.

Whether they are helping you to keep your sanity, or helping your interactions during your separation?

I'd say the bigger gestures are helping my sanity, but I don't know for sure yet if they are helping the interactions; they are calculated risks. The responding to his tone with the same tone seems to be helping the interactions insomuch as it draws him out a bit.

What kind of communication is working?

99% of the time we have conversations only over IM. He called once, and this was very pleasant, but generally speaking he dislikes the phone.

Does it help to vary the time or place?

Since we're not in the same country, the place doesn't seem to matter. We usually communicate during business hours as this is when we are both online. I would say that on Sundays (another day we usually talk) when we communicate the conversations are a bit lighter, maybe because there isn't the added pressure of being in the office.

Are you talking in person, over the phone, text or email?

Emails go back and forth, but mainly about business things like the budget. I send emails that aren't responded to, but that I think may still be working. We will be having phone sessions with a DB coach, so this is really the only phone interaction. IM is the main medium and it's his preferred medium, and text is only for pressing issues such as needing to know something within the next few minutes, for whatever reason.

ITH
Posted By: One Day

Re: What's going well? - 09/01/08 09:11 PM

Originally Posted By: sgctxok
What are some of the things that are WORKING for you?

For my R with H: responding enthusiastically to his suggestions for outings, initiating contact, complimenting him, really listening without judgement or offering help/solutions, not asking any questions about us/him/the R, and NEVER thinking about the aubergine. Asking H for advice, letting H decide on date venues and times, and then complimenting him profusely on his choices.

For me: laughing, working hard, seeing my family, buying new clothes, dancing, singing, eating all my veggies, painting my nails, doing my hair cut, talking to my friends, playing with my niece and nephew, doing DB experiments and recording the results, listening to music, having tidy eyebrows, trying new make-up colours, baking and jumping on my mini-trampoline while I watch soaps on TV.

Originally Posted By: sgctxok
What kind of communication is working?

E-mails (until the S we never used to e-mail. Now we do every day, sometimes a few times a day)
Text (still experimenting with this)
Phone on occassion
Face to face. This works best in general. H is gradually increasing his eye contact (after months of patient waiting and looking at him lovingly). He's also gradually laughing and smiling more.

Originally Posted By: sgctxok
Does it help to vary the time or place?

E-mail is best with a quick response. Any delays get mirrored back.
Face-to-face works both spontaneously and planned
Texts: experimenting with sending a couple at weekends at the moment. This is getting better so I'm going to keep trying it.
Phone: I experimented with a spontaneous phone call to him a couple of weeks ago which worked well and led to a chat followed by a mini-date and H giving me a kiss. I need to try this again at a time when I think H might be free. H calls me less now than he used to so I'd like to improve this area as phone used to be one of our main modes of communication (H is more chatty on the phone than under any other conditions).

Other things that are working:

Being extremely patient
Focussing on my own picnic and letting H deal with his
Trying a bit of flirting. We're playing a game where we have to think of alternative names for naughty bits that H seems to be engaging with and I hope is making him think of me and naughty bits at the same time. Mwahahaha (evil laugh)

Posted By: sgctxok

Re: What's going well? - 09/10/08 11:34 PM

Originally Posted By: minkerman
I will say what worked for me, not what is working ;\)

The biggest thing that changed my W's perception of who she "thought" I was...

I started acting like a decisive, confident man. Like the way I was when we met 30 years ago, and that I somehow lost. I had turned into a boring, wussy, approval-seeker! ACK! Looking back, I don't know how I got there, but I did. I'm ashamed of my former self.

I used the DR book as my bible. I was the poster child.

I also signed up for DB coaching, and it was fabulous.

Over the months that we were separated, I gradually started getting my own life, and I rediscovered myself, the REAL me.

I started playing guitar again, I started painting again, I went out with friends, and I actually asked a woman out on a date. One night my W and I went out for dinner and I told her I was done, that I was moving on.

The next day, my W asked if we could try again.

Since then, each day has pretty much been better than the last. I am more in love with her than ever, and she tells me she loves me all the time too. The desire, the affection, the touching...it's all back, in spades.

We are going through the uncomfortable (for her especially) process of reconnecting with our friends now.

So that's my story, so far.

Keep it up folks, and here's my last gem of wisdom. The Number 1 thing you have to do is:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
BE CONSISTENT.



THIS IS WONDERFUL!!!!


We often forget that consistent part!!!
Posted By: sgctxok

Re: What's going well? - 09/10/08 11:35 PM

Originally Posted By: kiwi000
Way cool advice, gives me hope 14 months in and about the same place. going to tell WAW that I'm done and ready to move on, not out of anger but because I have found ME again. Either way, I've come through separation and DR got me through it.



Did you try it? What were your results?
Posted By: kiwi000

Re: What's going well? - 09/28/08 10:12 PM

sort of. WAW proposed a 'family holiday' with S3 so I went along, despite misgivings. Made me realise I'm not ready to move along yet, despite finding me so I didn't issue any ultimatum yet. Have been trying the others though and was very succesful in acting 'as if' and doing my key 180s. WAW noticed but seems convinced I've found someone new. I foolishly did not deny it early on so she is convinced I'm keeping my options open and has backed off somewhat.

I did tell her I was still ILWH. Got a blank look as a response.
Posted By: mkultra

Re: What's going well? - 10/05/08 07:39 AM

I love this thread!
This is really what is going well for me:
1. Be a role model happiness junkie for the kids-ssshhh-even if it is fake sometimes. Act happy.
2. Go out that front door looking polished. Hair, skin, clothes look upbeat and healthy. Glow a little. Act happy.
3. Do family things. We went out for family dinner once a week to reconnect for the sake of the kids. I know people set boundaries but this worked for us. Act normal.
4. Do not meddle or snoop or offer too much personal info. Pretend to be classy.
5. Don't judge and take accountability.
Posted By: AllW8SBF

Re: What's going well? - 10/21/08 01:30 PM

OK need some help - quite embarassing. How to flirt? I have always been this I'm who I am and don't do any of that "crap". But I need to dh loves it, he wants frisky, and fun.
I've been fun in all the guy friend ways, watching football, baseball etc. I need to be girly flirt. I get so uncomfortable and discombulated when I use innuendo, I'll try and he'll just drive circles around me. I'll get maybe 2 levels, - I'll say something flirty, then he'll say something, and "maybe" I'll say something back but, he'll go and want me to continue along with him and I just can't think of anything.
Please someone help. TIA
Posted By: jonny

Re: What's going well? - 11/13/08 05:40 AM

Wow - that is so great! We just separated 2 days ago, and the way you describe where you got to is exactly what I have been trying to do for myself... but I haven't managed it. You give me strength with your story
Posted By: Choosing_Life

Re: What's going well? - 12/21/08 03:43 PM

What is working for me:
Exercise. Keeping my house clean. Organizing my finances. Reconnecting with my religion.

What is working for us:
Not ascribing motives. Listening. Complimenting. (I told my wife she was beautiful last night and she seemed pleased and said "Thank you," which is different because she used to either deny it and launch into a spiral of self-criticism or criticize ME for only being interested in her looks. I'm glad I realized that it's OK for me to think my wife is beautiful and to tell her so... maybe that realization changed something about my non-verbals when I said it!) Helping. (She told me her car was leaking oil, and so I checked it out and got it fixed without her having to ask/beg/nag.) Accepting generosity (she made Christmas cookies and offered me one when I went to her place to check the car).
Posted By: lynn08

Re: What's going well? - 02/08/09 04:27 AM

I like reading these, it helps me alot with my recent S from H. Thank you! Hopefully I will have some to share in the future too.
Posted By: idontknow

Re: What's going well? - 03/01/09 07:05 PM

I like the outcome of this story, it gives me hope....I so happy it worked your you two!
Posted By: kassie

Re: What's going well? - 03/14/09 11:43 PM

This thread depresses me. Nothing seems to be working in my stitch. I have tried to reconnect with previous interests but my heart isn't in it.
Our communication has changed even when I have tried using different mediums. We still end up arguing about the same things. He starts and I just try to end the convo and move on. What I have been doing I hate! but I stopped taking calls, I delete messages, and emails. The quiet feels better.

He has stopped previous behavior causing problems in our M and is getting help but it doesn't show up when we talk or meet.

When I read the posts here, I feel that he is making progress in improving his life, I am free of the conflict, but as a couple we aren't connecting. I have tried a lot of the suggestions on this site and the only progress I see is that I am becoming more comfortable apart. I don't see how that is a good thing for a M.

Any comments?
Posted By: blueheart

Re: What's going well? - 04/20/09 08:03 PM

Thanks for this post. I am at the beginning of this long journey (H left 2 months ago) and am still feeling my way through the maze of feelings and information. So happy that I found this site and the wonderful coach that I have been working with. Reading stories of success or reminders that patience and calm are so important, really helps me. But the fear is always present, like an illness that I can't get rid of. I have a constant churning of anxiety in my chest and I'm afraid to be alone too much. Trying to GAL as much as possible - seeing friends, taking classes.... but the bottom line is that my heart is completely broken and I miss my lifemate more than I can say. So, I read these kinds of posts and get renewed hope. Thanks.
Posted By: 2inlimbo

Re: What's going well? - 05/02/09 07:53 PM

I am getting a life. I've dropped 14 pounds since the separation and am running. I'm going out with my friends. I'm praying. I'm organizing and cleaning the house. I'm being upbeat. AND I'm enjoying sleeping in the middle of the bed!!

That said, my husband has said he'll decide in June whether or not he still wants a D. If he wants a D, I'll need to really work on keeping it together.
Posted By: mkultra

Re: What's going well? - 05/16/09 07:39 AM

Hi. I am on Month #24 of my separation and , in a way, my divorce is busted but I have no real marriage. My H has never asked for a divorce, but I am still alone. He drops by daily. This irks me but I have not complained or filed. It was only me that try to save the marriage the first few months of our separation.

I think it does work to not bring up divorce or talk about the relationship.

It also helps to be positive. I know a happy spouse is almost impossible to leave, so that is reassuring.

It has also been very smart to never snoop. Some of my darkest moments have been going through his mail. yes, it confirmed his affair(s)?, but it also made me lose respect for myself. Affairs come out into the light eventually anyways.

Overall, I am proud that I have stuck to the main principles of DBing. I recommend it to everyone I see in similar sitches and there are a lot of us, so do not feel alone!

Keep the faith.
Posted By: foreverhesaid

Re: What's going well? - 05/16/09 11:18 PM

One of the realizations that I came to recently did help me alot mentally. I thought, what if my husband was diagnosed with cancer? What if he was schizophrenic or bipolar? Certainly I could expect alot of depression, or times when he didn't seem to know what he was doing. I wouldn't give up on him just because of that. I certainly consider the way he's acting now, having an affair and being totally selfish a mental illness. He is so different from the upright, honest and dependable man I married.
So, patience, patience and more patience. Keep trying those DB techniques.
Posted By: minkerman

Re: What's going well? - 06/16/09 08:53 PM

Originally Posted By: sgctxok
Originally Posted By: minkerman
I will say what worked for me, not what is working wink

The biggest thing that changed my W's perception of who she "thought" I was...

I started acting like a decisive, confident man. Like the way I was when we met 30 years ago, and that I somehow lost. I had turned into a boring, wussy, approval-seeker! ACK! Looking back, I don't know how I got there, but I did. I'm ashamed of my former self.

I used the DR book as my bible. I was the poster child.

I also signed up for DB coaching, and it was fabulous.

Over the months that we were separated, I gradually started getting my own life, and I rediscovered myself, the REAL me.

I started playing guitar again, I started painting again, I went out with friends, and I actually asked a woman out on a date. One night my W and I went out for dinner and I told her I was done, that I was moving on.

The next day, my W asked if we could try again.

Since then, each day has pretty much been better than the last. I am more in love with her than ever, and she tells me she loves me all the time too. The desire, the affection, the touching...it's all back, in spades.

We are going through the uncomfortable (for her especially) process of reconnecting with our friends now.

So that's my story, so far.

Keep it up folks, and here's my last gem of wisdom. The Number 1 thing you have to do is:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
BE CONSISTENT.



THIS IS WONDERFUL!!!!


We often forget that consistent part!!!
Just checking in to say, we are still going GREAT!

A couple of hiccups, but we actually TALKED our way through them.

Good luck to all!!!

M
Posted By: theenglishrose

Re: What's going well? - 06/23/09 12:55 AM

Going back to work part-time has really helped me. Now I don't sit around all day wondering if he is going to call me. I have cut off all communication with H other than that which is absolutely necessary - if he wants to talk to me or make arrangements to see me, he is going to have to initiate. The fact that he has NOT attempted to contact me has showed me something as well - detaching from him is NOT bringing him back in my direction - at least not yet.

But I am feeling better about myself - I have lost some weight since I started working and being on my feet for a good portion of the day - I am meeting new people on a daily basis and interacting with them in a way that is good for my self-esteem - I get along well with my co-workers (all of whom are male - it's interesting being the only woman in a male dominated environment). I've tried to stop talking to my son about his father and when S brings him up, I try to be as objective as possible. I have my own income now so if H is late with the child support it doesn't freak me out anymore b/c I know I can still pay the bills. I have regular evening activities and weekend activities and I no longer let myself get upset if H doesn't show up when S has a soccer game or a karate tournament or a church family picnic. In fact I'm not even telling him about those things anymore. If and when H decides he wants to be part of our lives again, we'll take it from there - but I am no longer actively pursuing him nor do I plan on doing so ever again in the future.
Posted By: sgctxok

Re: What's going well? - 06/24/09 02:12 AM

Originally Posted By: theenglishrose
Going back to work part-time has really helped me. Now I don't sit around all day wondering if he is going to call me. I have cut off all communication with H other than that which is absolutely necessary - if he wants to talk to me or make arrangements to see me, he is going to have to initiate. The fact that he has NOT attempted to contact me has showed me something as well - detaching from him is NOT bringing him back in my direction - at least not yet.

But I am feeling better about myself - I have lost some weight since I started working and being on my feet for a good portion of the day - I am meeting new people on a daily basis and interacting with them in a way that is good for my self-esteem - I get along well with my co-workers (all of whom are male - it's interesting being the only woman in a male dominated environment). I've tried to stop talking to my son about his father and when S brings him up, I try to be as objective as possible. I have my own income now so if H is late with the child support it doesn't freak me out anymore b/c I know I can still pay the bills. I have regular evening activities and weekend activities and I no longer let myself get upset if H doesn't show up when S has a soccer game or a karate tournament or a church family picnic. In fact I'm not even telling him about those things anymore. If and when H decides he wants to be part of our lives again, we'll take it from there - but I am no longer actively pursuing him nor do I plan on doing so ever again in the future.


Rose---I think you've 'made it' to the other side, and no doubt---you behave so 'attractively'--I know it was hard won, but you did it. You are an example to be followed. I love your perspective. You're doing an amazing job and you should be proud of yourself. I pray it leads to all of your hopes and desires coming true.
Posted By: sgctxok

Re: What's going well? - 06/24/09 02:13 AM

Originally Posted By: minkerman
Originally Posted By: sgctxok
Originally Posted By: minkerman
I will say what worked for me, not what is working wink

The biggest thing that changed my W's perception of who she "thought" I was...

I started acting like a decisive, confident man. Like the way I was when we met 30 years ago, and that I somehow lost. I had turned into a boring, wussy, approval-seeker! ACK! Looking back, I don't know how I got there, but I did. I'm ashamed of my former self.

I used the DR book as my bible. I was the poster child.

I also signed up for DB coaching, and it was fabulous.

Over the months that we were separated, I gradually started getting my own life, and I rediscovered myself, the REAL me.

I started playing guitar again, I started painting again, I went out with friends, and I actually asked a woman out on a date. One night my W and I went out for dinner and I told her I was done, that I was moving on.

The next day, my W asked if we could try again.

Since then, each day has pretty much been better than the last. I am more in love with her than ever, and she tells me she loves me all the time too. The desire, the affection, the touching...it's all back, in spades.

We are going through the uncomfortable (for her especially) process of reconnecting with our friends now.

So that's my story, so far.

Keep it up folks, and here's my last gem of wisdom. The Number 1 thing you have to do is:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
BE CONSISTENT.



THIS IS WONDERFUL!!!!


We often forget that consistent part!!!
Just checking in to say, we are still going GREAT!

A couple of hiccups, but we actually TALKED our way through them.

Good luck to all!!!

M


YEAH!!! That's as good as it gets, M!!!

Keep on keepin' on....AND GIVING ADVICE!!!
Posted By: sgctxok

Re: What's going well? - 06/24/09 02:15 AM

Originally Posted By: foreverhesaid
One of the realizations that I came to recently did help me alot mentally. I thought, what if my husband was diagnosed with cancer? What if he was schizophrenic or bipolar? Certainly I could expect alot of depression, or times when he didn't seem to know what he was doing. I wouldn't give up on him just because of that. I certainly consider the way he's acting now, having an affair and being totally selfish a mental illness. He is so different from the upright, honest and dependable man I married.
So, patience, patience and more patience. Keep trying those DB techniques.


Dear FHS....

I've been thinking about similar things recently, so I appreciate your perspective. It's an 'every day' thing, isn't it? (or some say, 'one day at a time'....but some times it's one minute at a time)

Thanks,
sg
Posted By: sgctxok

Re: What's going well? - 06/24/09 02:17 AM

Originally Posted By: mkultra
Hi. I am on Month #24 of my separation and , in a way, my divorce is busted but I have no real marriage. My H has never asked for a divorce, but I am still alone. He drops by daily. This irks me but I have not complained or filed. It was only me that try to save the marriage the first few months of our separation.

I think it does work to not bring up divorce or talk about the relationship.

It also helps to be positive. I know a happy spouse is almost impossible to leave, so that is reassuring.

It has also been very smart to never snoop. Some of my darkest moments have been going through his mail. yes, it confirmed his affair(s)?, but it also made me lose respect for myself. Affairs come out into the light eventually anyways.

Overall, I am proud that I have stuck to the main principles of DBing. I recommend it to everyone I see in similar sitches and there are a lot of us, so do not feel alone!

Keep the faith.


mkultra,

I am very very proud of you. You always have stuck to the main principles.

You deserve to be happy, and I believe you CAN be....and WITH your H.

You are no stranger to 'beginning with the mind of a beginner'....but I encourage you to do it....AGAIN....with an eye to improvement.

Are you game?
peace,
sg
Posted By: sgctxok

Re: What's going well? - 06/24/09 02:18 AM

Originally Posted By: 2inlimbo
I am getting a life. I've dropped 14 pounds since the separation and am running. I'm going out with my friends. I'm praying. I'm organizing and cleaning the house. I'm being upbeat. AND I'm enjoying sleeping in the middle of the bed!!

That said, my husband has said he'll decide in June whether or not he still wants a D. If he wants a D, I'll need to really work on keeping it together.



Great job, 2!!!

How is it going?


(ps--does the ''middle of the bed' include popcorn/bonbons/icecream/wine and/or MOVIES?)
Posted By: sgctxok

Re: What's going well? - 06/24/09 02:23 AM

Originally Posted By: blueheart
Thanks for this post. I am at the beginning of this long journey (H left 2 months ago) and am still feeling my way through the maze of feelings and information. So happy that I found this site and the wonderful coach that I have been working with. Reading stories of success or reminders that patience and calm are so important, really helps me. But the fear is always present, like an illness that I can't get rid of. I have a constant churning of anxiety in my chest and I'm afraid to be alone too much. Trying to GAL as much as possible - seeing friends, taking classes.... but the bottom line is that my heart is completely broken and I miss my lifemate more than I can say. So, I read these kinds of posts and get renewed hope. Thanks.



blueheart....How is it going?


One thing I can tell you.....with DBing.....Your confidence builds and the fear goes away or very close to zero. I've been at for YEARS.......and DBing with God...nothing has made a bigger difference in my life. Nothing.

It's helped me with relationships with my man, my children, my job, and myself (I must have needed a LOT of help wink ....)

If you need more....click 'notify'....and a moderator will help you.


Pace et bonum,
sg
Posted By: jacksonbrown

Re: What's going well? - 07/20/09 01:12 PM

Lola your post really helped me this morning. Early mornings when I wake up without the comfort of being close to my wife who asked for a divorce 2 weeks ago, but agreed to a 3 month separation after 17 years of marriage and 2 daughters (6 and 9). Anyway, the insights on detachment doesn't mean you're giving up, but only letting go of the pain were on the mark for me. My wife isn't dealing with her issues right now, but wants to date. She is definitely in midlife crises at age 48 and I've been monitoring that forum too. So I have to move on with my life and take care of myself while being there for her, but I can see right now she is trying to keep from dealing with her issues and has only agreed to see our marriage therapist to "talk about how to work with our children," even though she verbalizes that she needs to work on her issues before she can be in any kind of healthy relationship with me or anyone else. In her mind she's already moved on and doesn't give our marriage more than a .1% chance of survival. She's actually re-writing history in her mind and writing out all the good things we had together while focusing only on the bad things. She says she wants to be friends and we will continue to meet once a week and talk about children, bills, etc. I'm giving her all the space and not pushing even though it hurts, I know she needs to do her own thing and explore and experiment without me. I'm praying that the next 3 months she agreed to therapist 2 sessions alone for her and 2 sessions alone for me and then 1 session together will begin to result in her seeing she needs to work on her issues too. I've been working hard on my issues and she wrote me a response letter to the one I wrote this week telling her about my goals and the positive changes I'm going to make regardless of what happens to our marriage. She says she is so proud of me (that's a start), but she also doesn't see herself in the picture with me. That's where I have to practice the kind of healthy detachment you posted. Thanks.
Jim B
Posted By: Entangled

Re: What's going well? - 09/15/09 06:04 PM

Taking steps to GAL have made me feel better about myself. Spending time with my son, watching him grow, just being around him fills me with joy and hope. But it's mixed with sorrow knowing that if my wife does leave, that his world will never be the same.
Posted By: Entangled

Re: What's going well? - 10/03/09 02:21 PM

1. I've beaten my anger issues. I don't lose my temper, lose
control, or let my emotions get the best of me. I try to choose my words carefully so they don't make things worse in the heat of the moment.

2. Asking my wife for talking points before a big or important discussion has really helped diffuse the initial emotional reaction and has made these discussions more manageable. I HIGHLY recommend this technique!

3. Coaching sessions with Laurie have definitely helped me get some focus and perspective and have helped clarify my goals. Even though my wife is leaving, I have been seeing signs of change, and have been able to meet many of my short term goals.

4. The Separation Diet sems to be working, I've lost 10 pounds this month!
Posted By: MHL

Re: What's going well? - 12/27/09 03:03 AM

What's working well?
Time, as it goes on I find that the down moments don't last as long and that I can control moments instead of them controling me.
Acting as if everything is okay, even when I disagree with what she is saying. Just got to say it a little faster when I do infact disagree, I am trying to make it a natural response until we get to a place where we can communicate more openly and honestly.
Shuting up and listening to her talk, asking about her and actually listening. Making eye contact while talking with her.
Being upbeat all the time, maintaining PMA.
Patience, Patience, Patience. This is working but is hard.
No R talk, no OM talk, no talk about her infidelity no matter what.

What communication is working?
Texting, phone, in person. I prefer in person because I can tell how she is feeling and visa versa.
In person is the best, b/c it lasts a little longer and I get a chance to show her my smile, also get to compliment her on her hair, clothes, looks. Try to say she "looks great" instead of she "looks beautiful" don't want to come across clingy.
Cheerleading, I tell her how much I support her ideas, endeavors and accomplishments. This is one of her love languages, just figured this one out a couple of weeks ago.

Time and Place to Communicate.
She is not a morning person but sometime before lunch is best b/c her meds are working the best then. I don't say that to be mean or flipant but it is true, since she has changed her meds I am starting to see my old wife come back.
She used to not like coming over to the house but the last couple of times she has hung out a little bit.

As we put between us and my last backslide things seem to be getting better, I try to focus on the small positives and not speculate so much on what I preceive as negatives. Most of the time the negatives are things I dream up in my head.
Posted By: heartnsoul

Re: What's going well? - 01/17/10 03:45 AM

This thread has been helpful, and gives me hope, for the most part.

I have only just started DB'n, so I have nothing to share about what works to bring me and W together. I can share some things that have helped me stay sane.

-Work. Finding joy in the tasks, having fun with coworkers.
-Stopped going out to bars all the time. I felt desperate to meet someone, and putting myself in the bar scene, still feeling sad, only made things worse. Instead, I go home and do something useful.
-Reading, playing guitar, keeping a journal. Anything that makes alone time feel good.
-Personal goals. Feeling good about getting back into school this fall, and finally getting a degree.
-Reading DR, which gave me a new perspective and hope.
-A long period of staring my hurt in the eyes, and letting myself FEEL it, while concentrating on how to do that in appropriate places, at appropriate times.
-Flirting (not w/ W). Not too much...
-Focusing on what I have to do, not what I want to happen. Whatever the outcome, I will be a better man.

I've been talking about this stuff w/ C for months, but it all seemed to click when I read DR. Writing down all the baby-step goals, and thinking about the individual tweaks in my behavior that might lead to those small improvements made my sitch feel less overwhelming.

As far as actions go, right now I'm continuing LRT with a couple 180's thrown in. I have to do some 180's because I had been executing my LR very poorly before reading DR.

We have to interact because of our S, and now I'm very proactive about setting up times and places for exchanging him. Lately I've been calling instead of texting, because I want her to hear the NRG and good feelings in my voice. I'm being as upbeat as possible, while being careful not to give any sign of attachment to her. At this time, all comm. is about our son - all business.

My only goal right now is to get her acting friendly again. I would feel encouraged if she ever asked me about my day, or initiated any small talk.
Posted By: freespirit

Re: What's going well? - 09/17/10 05:54 AM

Quote:
I have only just started DB'n, so I have nothing to share about what works to bring me and W together.


Nothing working for "us"...he reads an article (here on the WAW) and sends it to me to show me how wrong I was to leave him.no apologies, no acknowledgment of what he has said to me or what I have said to him to think about...nothing. He gives nothing, I receive nothing...there IS nothing...

What is working for me:
BEING ME AGAIN...it is working REALLY well... smile
Posted By: Ruth3555

Re: What's going well? - 05/03/11 03:46 AM

I know this is an old thread butbibwas wonderingnif you are still on here. Are yo a GAL? I am too
Posted By: keepyerchinup

Re: What's going well? - 05/31/11 08:37 PM

I find yoga to be really helpful for a lot of reasons. For one thing it helps discipline my mind. Tones my muscles and generally makes me more aware of my body. Helps me be more conscious, in the moment and in control of breathing. I can't really think of a negative to practicing yoga. I meet nice and seemingly normal people in the class.

I think building up to my marriage crisis I had been accumulating a lot of stress in my muscles and back. Yoga has helped me slowly stretch these out and I feel good knowing I've got more control over the state of my physical body.

Also I've been occasionally getting massage and practicing meditation. These things have contributed to my well being too.
Posted By: Elmo

Re: What's going well? - 01/06/12 07:06 PM

Originally Posted By: jacksonbrown
Lola your post really helped me this morning. Early mornings when I wake up without the comfort of being close to my wife who asked for a divorce 2 weeks ago, but agreed to a 3 month separation after 17 years of marriage and 2 daughters (6 and 9). Anyway, the insights on detachment doesn't mean you're giving up, but only letting go of the pain were on the mark for me. My wife isn't dealing with her issues right now, but wants to date. She is definitely in midlife crises at age 48 and I've been monitoring that forum too. So I have to move on with my life and take care of myself while being there for her, but I can see right now she is trying to keep from dealing with her issues and has only agreed to see our marriage therapist to "talk about how to work with our children," even though she verbalizes that she needs to work on her issues before she can be in any kind of healthy relationship with me or anyone else. In her mind she's already moved on and doesn't give our marriage more than a .1% chance of survival. She's actually re-writing history in her mind and writing out all the good things we had together while focusing only on the bad things. She says she wants to be friends and we will continue to meet once a week and talk about children, bills, etc. I'm giving her all the space and not pushing even though it hurts, I know she needs to do her own thing and explore and experiment without me. I'm praying that the next 3 months she agreed to therapist 2 sessions alone for her and 2 sessions alone for me and then 1 session together will begin to result in her seeing she needs to work on her issues too. I've been working hard on my issues and she wrote me a response letter to the one I wrote this week telling her about my goals and the positive changes I'm going to make regardless of what happens to our marriage. She says she is so proud of me (that's a start), but she also doesn't see herself in the picture with me. That's where I have to practice the kind of healthy detachment you posted. Thanks.
Jim B


Thatís a great point jacksonbrown you mention about Detachment.

Buddha said, ďAttachment is the root of all suffering.Ē What we have to understand as humans, is that nothing is permanent. Which begs the question, why do we get married and take the vows of ďuntil death do we part.Ē But also what Iím realizing, because I think Iím in a similar situation as you. My wife is separating from me, and we have a three year old daughter. I definitely think sheís going through a midlife crisis. Itís sort of funny, because she accused me of having one two years ago, but my crises wasnít because I wanted to start dating anyone, I just wanted to improve my health and outlook on life. Iím glad you mentioned watching the midlife crises page, Iíll start doing the same.

One other important point about this whole process that we have to understand. Doing the DB work builds the ability to love unconditionally. I realized, that I will love my wife even if she decides to divorce me, even if she remarries, and moves on with her life. I still have small pangs of resentment, but those only come at night when Iím lying in bed and my mind is tiredóso Iím getting better. We are all getting better. I wish you the best with everything, and hope things work out for your marriage, especially for your two children.
Posted By: Elmo

Re: What's going well? - 01/06/12 07:23 PM

Originally Posted By: keepyerchinup
I find yoga to be really helpful for a lot of reasons. For one thing it helps discipline my mind. Tones my muscles and generally makes me more aware of my body. Helps me be more conscious, in the moment and in control of breathing. I can't really think of a negative to practicing yoga. I meet nice and seemingly normal people in the class.

I think building up to my marriage crisis I had been accumulating a lot of stress in my muscles and back. Yoga has helped me slowly stretch these out and I feel good knowing I've got more control over the state of my physical body.

Also I've been occasionally getting massage and practicing meditation. These things have contributed to my well being too.


That's excellent advice. Meditation can help with the feelings of anger and resentment. You can try it for at least five minutes at the start. It's tougher at the beginning, because your untrained mind can be like a baby elephant running around your living room. But as you build up time, at least 15 min a day, it can help.

I try to do loving kindness meditation: I ty to visualize my heart connecting with my w's. I try to visualize me strenghtening her heart, and holing her in my arms in a expression of unconditional love.

Another good one is to try the white light meditation, where you visualize breathing in white light andbreathing out dark black smoke to detoxify your soul.

Then of course there is the onld standby of just listenting to your breath and counting your breaths. Of course if you get off course and see your mind going off to some random thought to entertain itself, just gently and non-judgmentally pulll it back in and just keep going.

If this practice sounds wierd to folks who may practice more fundamental forms of Christianity, just remmember that prayer is very close to, if not the same thing as, meditation--so they apre pretty much interchangeable from my perstpective. Prayer definitely works, sor pray for your marraige, and ask your friends and your church to do the same thing. It certainly wouldn't hurt.
Posted By: JessicaHope

Re: What's going well? - 01/13/12 08:49 PM

I have been together with my husband for 10 years, married for 2yrs and 2mo ago I decided to take a break for we were both very unhappy and resenting each other. No kids.

I wish I had given better thought before taking that decision to move in with my parents for a few weeks, thinking that would be a good time for us to care for ourselves and recenter our energies, because the very next day after I left my husband told me he felt a weight was lifted from his shoulders, that he is happier than ever, that he doesn't see us being together again, and he would have moved out before if he had another place to go. That really hurt me.

I realized that I loved him more than I thought and I regret leaving him because if we were living together I would have more tools to try to fix our marriage. I don't believe in divorce, we always talked about it. He tells me he is sorry for putting me through this, for he saw how much pain I went throught the first few weeks.

I had been acting very cold with him, very withdrawn, and I was very critical of him in the past year, but I felt he would never address my emotional needs. I realized with this experience that I was depressed for a very long time and I see now I could have done many things differently so I could get the results I needed, but I hope to be able to make it up to him if we get back together.

Of course, I did the acting crazy and desperate when we were first separated for the first 3 weeks. He changed the door lock, he wouldn't let me get my things from the apartment and he would ignore all contact with me. After I was able to calm down, and stopped begging and crying we were actually able to have a limited conversation to define where we are. I noticed he blocks any emotion, as soon he gets emotional he wants to leave or changes the conversation. I know he is hurting, he has a lot to loose for leaving me, probably will have to declare bankrupcy, but he says he prefers going through that then being with me.
We had many good moments together, but he only remembers the bad and the ugly, he says he was never happy.

I am having a really hard time detaching, stop calling and texting, but I have done much better in the past two days, and today he actually called me but he only calls me when he needs something.

I am hopefull we can work out our differences and reconcile one day. I am learning to be patient and respect his space, even though I found out recently he has been going on dates with other women and he told me he actually went second base with one of his dates. Ouch! But I am surprised, for I was always very jealous, that even knowing this doesn't stop me from wanting to be with him. I love him so much, and I want to be with him.

What has worked for me is to take care of myself and go out with my girlfriends. I have lost 30lbs since we separated, I feel better than ever. I go shopping, do my nails, hair, make up, play with my dog, and write a lot in my journal.

Somedays I still cry, and get very sad, for I miss him so much in the smallest ways, but then I remember to act as if, things will get better, this is just a phase, I need to be patient and count my victories, baby steps....
Posted By: Elmo

Re: What's going well? - 02/02/12 03:18 PM

Baby steps is definitely right. Not every day will be the same, but we can still rise above it if we really focus on staying positive, and explaining things to ourselves in the best way possible.

When a thought pops into your head of how much you miss him, you can say to yourself, "I know this seems painful, but I've done such a great job of taking care of myself, and I've learned so much from this experience. Maybe, this experience happened to me so that I can better understand how to take care of myself, and love myself. No one will love me better than myself anyway, and the more I love me, the more I can share that love with others."

I am working on identifying every negative thought that pops into my head and then countering it with something positive. It's also truly amazing if you start to meditate, just a little bit each day, and during that time, you try to just think positive, and send love to my family and others that need it. It seems after doing that each morning, people I meet just open up to me, and can sense that I'm resonating at a higher frequency. Perhaps give that a try.

Whatever the outcome of your situation, you're on the right track. Keep taking care of yourself, and keep looking for the positive.
Posted By: sweetbabyred

Re: What's going well? - 05/03/12 03:06 AM

I've studied Buddhism for years, but it wasn't until I was forced to deal with the possible loss of my M that I still have a lot of attachment. I'm trying to be positive and improve myself. I will always love H; I'm disappointed in his behavior right now, but I can never be angry with him.
Posted By: Faithnomore

Re: What's going well? - 08/12/12 03:46 PM

One night my W and I went out for dinner and I told her I was done, that I was moving on.

The next day, my W asked if we could try again.

Since then, each day has pretty much been better than the last. I am more in love with her than ever, and she tells me she loves me all the time too. The desire, the affection, the touching...it's all back, in spades.

We are going through the uncomfortable (for her especially) process of reconnecting with our friends now.

So that's my story, so far.

Keep it up folks, and here's my last gem of wisdom. The Number 1 thing you have to do is:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
BE CONSISTENT. [/quote]



Very inspiring. Thanks!
Posted By: focusing-on-me

Re: What's going well? - 10/08/12 11:25 PM

Thanks for the inspiration Mink!
Posted By: Confluences

Re: What's going well? - 08/06/13 10:33 PM

Your signature sums up the objective from a guy's perspective.
Posted By: KattK

Re: What's going well? - 08/19/13 12:44 PM

Thank you for posting this information. It's something I had not thought of to try. I find it incredibly difficult to detach. Having children together it makes it almost impossible anyway, but beyond that I still want to share everything with him, tell him what we've been doing, what projects around the house I've finished,... anything and everything we used to share I still feel almost compelled to tell him. I'll try and change my viewpoint from this point forward and look at everything from the outside looking in. The last think I want to do is push him further away, I seem to be my own worst enemy by not being able to detach, so your post was very helpful, giving me a new tool to put in place.
Posted By: dxw689

Re: What's going well? - 12/12/13 06:01 PM

I am having the same trouble KattK: Husband just left me last weeks, two children still at home with me, but see him often. I am having difficulty detaching - especially at work: this thread is helpful to know some people have made it through.
Posted By: Bunches

Re: What's going well? - 02/15/14 06:50 PM

Are there cases in which detaching is a bad idea? I've not been at it for more than a month but one of the main problems my W had with me was distance in our relationship and a lack of expressing love.
Posted By: amacin

Re: What's going well? - 09/11/14 06:59 AM

LolaL Thank you for your post. It hit home in so many ways for me.

I'm not sure if H and I will work things out either but just like you I am learning that no matter what I will be ok. But it really does help to know that other people are in the same boat.

I hope things are going well for you.
Posted By: hope224

Re: What's going well? - 09/14/14 10:00 PM

Makes me hopeful. I wish they're was a like button so I could like things that were inspirational.
Posted By: Swabby

Re: What's going well? - 02/20/15 01:08 PM

I have to say, these posts definitely help!

I'm only 3 weeks into this great divide, but the marriage has been rocky for years.

The resiliency of everyone here gives me strength to power on!

I've just recently finished DR, have listened to Michelle's audio tapes, watched her video, and I'm trying to incorporate all I'm learning into my LRT.

Thanks to everyone for the great stories and experiences, it really does help!
Posted By: Paula1

Re: What's going well? - 05/02/15 04:53 AM

I can completely relate. My H of almost 24 years (June 1)moved out the day after Valentines Day. We have been together for 31 years total. This is our second separation. Our first was in 2004 and we reconciled shortly after he moved out (though that time he was having an affair). I am not sure if he is this time, although he is fighting the same demons and his behavior is very similar to the first time we suffered this MLC. I can't believe we are going through it again-- 10 years later- although I suppose he never truly got through all the stages and since he turned 50, he seems to recall only how different we are and how much he doesn't love me. It is really hard to detach because he wants to meet twice a week to "talk". I try validating him, though sometimes I feel he wants to talk to upset me, make me cry and then just sit there without expression-- almost narcissistic. It is very frustrating. My C feels I should just not meet with him, but it is hard to say "no" when I so desperately want to help him.
Posted By: Stand4U

Re: What's going well? - 12/15/15 04:12 PM

My issue is I have been doing really well GAL and working on myself. It's been about 6 weeks since she moved out. I have not initiated contact with her much however she sends me messages almost daily. I try to keep my responses short and sweet but sometimes it's hard.

It's like I know she see's I am doing well and it's making her want to reconnect however I don't want to jump the gun in allowing her to come back because I know she is not ready.
Posted By: ReNewed

Re: What's going well? - 04/23/16 12:19 PM

It's been 2.5 mo since h walked out. I don't konw whats working or how to tell bc h rarely initiates any contact except to set up mediator meeting to talk about assets and "moving forward". He agreed and we met with a priest, but all he did was rationalize why he left and lie/rewrite history. As priest noted he was all walls, maybe hiding something, pain. But no real honest open communication. No emotion. And has tried to hurry everything as"efficiently and amicably as possible" moving forward fast as possible. He said at last meeting he's not there to Reconcile and no "glimmer of hope ". Trying not to be crushed by that.

So aside from trying not to be super depressed, which I sturrgled with sometimes and he resented, gal and all that, how do I know anything I'm doing is working ? I've stopped contacting him. I haven't texted him anything in over a month. Only communication since meeting three weeks ago w priest was to confirm meeting time with mediator re assets. Didnt reach out on his birthday this week bc thought that might be good strategy though was hard.

He said stuff about his baggage but otherwise talks about having new friends working hard at new dream job on top of old one sleeping great etc. it kills me as I am in survival mode and nightmares every night.
Posted By: TabD

Re: What's going well? - 05/17/16 12:04 AM

Oh my Paula. Your situation sounds just like mine. H left after almost 19 yrs together. We are fighting demons that I thought were put to rest 10 yrs ago and then definitely about 8no ago when H went thru rehab for alcohol. Now we are back to same demons. This is our 1St separation but we will be hitting 40 this year. Me in just over a week and my H in Sept.

As I was reading thru this thread I thought wow no one seems to have same situation but lots are similar until I read yours.

Thank you for sharing as I now know I'm not going crazy! H likes to push my buttons and I try so hard to not react/respond. But H then asked politely for things and it's hard to say no. Maybe I'm thinking it's harder because my H is an alcoholic and I now know that this is a disease that the addict has little control over.
Posted By: dbsoul

Re: What's going well? - 02/09/17 11:32 AM

You wrote: "I wrote this week telling her about my goals and the positive changes I'm going to make regardless of what happens to our marriage. She says she is so proud of me (that's a start), but she also doesn't see herself in the picture with me. That's where I have to practice the kind of healthy detachment you posted."

I understand the pain you felt reading that. I myself experienced that. My suggestion is to not to tell her what you are going to do but rather show her. This is an old post and I just joined so I'm not sure where you are now and where your marriage is. I'm learning as much as I can. My wife and I separated. I am in the WA, USA and she is in PE South Africa with our two kids. I'm the nurturer when it comes to the kids so my heart weeps for them as their loving father. We've been separated since August 23, 2016. I am blessed that I get to spend some time talking to them on their iPad. This Sunday is my daughter's 12th birthday. I had planned on being there but my wife doesn't want to see me. At least that is what she is saying. There is another man, she calls "a friend of interest" in the picture and "he is considering coming down for the weekend" since he lives three hours away. I am dealing with emotions of this since I basically brought this on.

I had pursued opening a storefront against my wife's wishes and support. It was a struggle and it brought strife and hurt into our marriage. This past December on the 27th, right after Christmas, she asked for a divorce over IM. I was devastated. Only because I realized she meant the world to me only after i tried to pursue another interest to cover up the rejection I felt from her in our marriage. That other interest fell apart because it was online scam. I look at it as God's way of waking me up to show me what really was important. My family, my wife and kids mean the world to me and I have faith that God will deliver me from this a better man. I working each day to take a step forward and it hasn't been easy, but I know as long as I have faith God can work miracles. He already has! We just have to wake up every morning and believe!

My faith and belief in God's intervention is even greater because I am living in the U.S. and my wife and the kids are living back in her country, in South Africa. I had to move out of our house to move in with parents who have been very supportive. My wife and I had been married for 16 years. Most of it have been great. Most of it, with the exception of the last three years have been a honeymoon. People would ask us how long we had been married and would be surprised when we told them how long. They thought we were newly weds. I think when I hit the age of 40 I hit my mid-life crisis and went through depression. i thought launching a business would help me get out of it; instead it got me out of my happy marriage.

What I would give to go back in time and fix it, but I know now, I had to go through this to get to where I am going. And part of that new experience is having an even more amazing marriage. The marriage, my wife and I had always dreamed of! That is my hope, my prayer. I believe this with all my heart, because I am walking that path. I am changing me because God has shown me who I want to be and it's not the person I turned out to be the last three years. I want to be better. To be more in-tuned with the people I love. I want to give unconditional love. I want to be happy again and the only way is to work on myself. To be better. To be an amazing husband and father.

Forgive me for writing bits and pieces of my story. I will write a more organized post of my story as I introduce myself to this wonderful family of hopeful souls. I am in this together with all of you and I wish to share my story in the hopes it will encourage or give someone strength to keep the faith.

-Arnel
Me 44 W 42
M 16yrs
Kids 19, 19, 11, 8
Posted By: Cadet

Re: What's going well? - 02/09/17 11:39 AM

Originally Posted By: Arnel
Forgive me for writing bits and pieces of my story. I will write a more organized post of my story as I introduce myself to this wonderful family of hopeful souls.

Welcome to DB - I might suggest you put your story in newcomers where more people will see it and you will get more responses.
At least until you get off of moderation.
Later you can move here if you choose.
Posted By: dbsoul

Re: What's going well? - 02/10/17 07:26 AM

Sure. Can i move it or do you have to move it to Newcomers?
Posted By: Cadet

Re: What's going well? - 02/10/17 07:51 AM

Originally Posted By: Arnel
Sure. Can i move it or do you have to move it to Newcomers?

The best way to do it is to copy and paste it into a new post on newcomers.
You do it.
I can not move one post to make your own thread here, you need to start it.

Thanks
Posted By: Vince H

Re: What's going well? - 02/10/17 09:00 AM

Just my opinion. But I don't think she left because you opened a store against her wishes.
Posted By: dbsoul

Re: What's going well? - 02/10/17 10:39 AM

I had a new post I did this morning -- is it still pending for approval? I'm thinking of using that one instead to post in the Newcomers section
Posted By: Cadet

Re: What's going well? - 02/10/17 10:51 AM

Originally Posted By: dbsoul
I had a new post I did this morning -- is it still pending for approval? I'm thinking of using that one instead to post in the Newcomers section

I dont see any other posts pending for me,
if you post in Newcomers I can get it approved fairly quickly.
You posted in another forum.

I would copy and paste that post into newcomers.


You now have a thread in newcomers
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2729454#Post2729454

keep posting there
Posted By: Bacon

Re: What's going well? - 10/21/17 04:10 PM

I read these posts and it's so nice to know that I'm not alone. I have been separated from my wife for about 6 months and up until last week I did a lot of crying and begging and trying to use logic and whatever I could. I think last week I hit my Breaking Point and decided I needed to let go and work on myself. I have been seeing a counselor and I think I have read every self-help book out there. About a week after we separated my wife went through detox at a co-worker's house I don't think she's having a sexual affair but she's definitely having an emotional affair. We just refinanced our house last week and it cost $15,000 I have to renew our health insurance this weekend for the family. I don't know what's going on.. I think the most important words I read in this tread is patience and consistency and that's what I'm trying to do.
Posted By: Vince H

Re: What's going well? - 10/22/17 03:31 AM

I hate to break it to you but when a man or woman does this it's usually because they want to have relations with other people or are having relations already. Best thing to do is like you said just work on yourself.
Posted By: Bacon

Re: What's going well? - 10/22/17 04:45 AM

I am very aware that she's having a relationship with somebody else. My focus is not that somebody else my focus is her. I've gradually come to realize that I have no control over her and I can only control myself. So it seems the general theme of all this is to try and detach from your wife, get your own personal life in order to solve your problems, and show her what kind of person you are.
Posted By: Vince H

Re: What's going well? - 10/23/17 01:13 AM

That is correct. But your focus must be on yourself not on her. What you must also accept is that she may never come back. When and if her current relationship doesn't work out she may just go on to the next guy, and the next guy after that who she is physically attracted to. In which case if you have worked on yourself maybe you will find someone who is truly worthy of your love and would never think to betray you.
Posted By: Bacon

Re: What's going well? - 10/23/17 06:43 AM

Okay so I have a question for you. May 17th wedding anniversary is coming up on October 29th. I'm supposed to detach.. we are still married, what do I do?
Posted By: Cadet

Re: What's going well? - 10/23/17 07:12 AM

Originally Posted By: PaulD
Okay so I have a question for you. May 17th wedding anniversary is coming up on October 29th.
I'm supposed to detach.. we are still married, what do I do?

Be good to yourself and buy yourself a present.

Buying her a present is not going to help your sich.

If you post on newcomers their is a thread I post as homework called pursuit and distance.
Read it .
Then stop pursuing!
Posted By: Vince H

Re: What's going well? - 10/23/17 08:28 AM

Totally agree. You can't buy a person's love or affection. You'd only be making yourself look foolish. Believe me I've been there and done that. As Cadet said, treat yourself instead.
Posted By: Paco_19

Re: What's going well? - 12/04/19 01:40 PM

Hi all,

I know this is not my thread but just wanted to add what is working for me (separated for scarcely over a month and detaching + GAL):

- go to opera, trips and museums on my own
- fresh work start in new position happening early 2020 hopefully
- weight lifting and running
- eating healthy
- planning activities with my children
- learning to play piano
- going out with friends, say no to nothing
- read DB/DR and other great books
- new cologne, taking care of clothes and beard

Here is a link to my thread in case someone could help me better understand my WAW

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2874204#Post2874204
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