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Ready2Change (5) - No trust Recap of my sitch:
I have been living with my wife for the past 17 years (married 11). We both are profesionals and make a good living. We have S9,S7,D6.
Feb 14 --> Realized my M was not in good shape.
Feb 18 --> I told wife "We need to talk". I listed out the following:
I want to do what is best for our M.
I want to do what is best for our kids.
I want to listen (really listen) to W.
I want more effective and frequent communication.
I don't want to get mad or angry.
I want to spend more one on one time with W.
I want to do more family activities.
I want to spend more one on one time with each of our kids.
I want to let W have the freedom to do what she wants.
I want W to let me have the freedom to do what I want.
Feb 18 --> I got the bomb (I don't want to be married to you any more, I don't want to slowly die inside, I want to find my soul mate )
I started DBing right away (Before I found/read book). Lots of 180's. I stayed out of W bubble and got into kids bubble. Cleaned up my looks. Started doing housework while W not around.
March 4: Read DR. (Wow those two weeks felt like months) Time was in slow motion.
March 4: This was the lowest point in R. No eye contact from W and only 1 Hi. She did not look good. She went to bed early and without saying goodnight to kids.
Lots of reading including:
Divorce Remedy
Venus/Mars
His needs/Her needs (good book!)
April 3: I find out W sells stock to retain lawyer. I believe I convinced her there is beter options including mediation.
April 4: First telephone coaching session
April 17: All day session with Wife and Michele
April 29: I visit lawyer to find out my rights. My state is Joint custody in 85% of cases and it is an equal equity state. Most of my fear goes away.
May 3 : I find out W has retained lawyer. Wants me to go sign papers at her lawyers on the 5th.
May 4th : Notify W I have lawyer and her lawyer needs to call mine.
June 1rst: Wife and I talk for first time in a while.
July 1: Wife and I agree to Nest. I have house and kids SMT W has kids and house WTF and we alternate S. 50/50 split.
Almost all communication is now by EMAIL. A few phone calls. We are dividing stuff, I move out August 1-3.
July 23 - Wife said good night to me on the phone! This was one of my original baby goals. Talk about patience...5 months.
Temporary Orders hearing is in two days (Monday). I am preparing for court. Time to be cool, calm, and focused. I plan on dressing very nice and complimenting Wife. We have a 4 way at 9AM and the hearing at 10:30. Hearing will be 1 hour. W's L will ask W questions for 10 minutes, then my L asks W questing for 5 minutes. Then reverse with me. Each L then has 5 minutes of closing. Judge then makes decision for the last 10.
Wish me luck!
Yikes.. so that's what happens with Temporary Orders?
Good luck.. good wishes.
I'm trying to get over my fear of being fearful of that.. ugh.
*hugs*
Best of luck to you R2C... cool, calm and focused - that is a great plan!
R2C,
Good luck and you and your family are in my prayers.
My hearing is August 14 at 1130. Hoping to have a settlement agreement in place prior. And you are right, this is not the time to let your emotions take over. Be calm, cool and collected.
Chris
Hi all,
Thank you so much for your wishes and prayers.
Judge ruled that schedule stays the way it is:
The children are with me Sun Mon Tue
The children are with W Wed Thu Fri
Alternating Sat.
This decision releases alot of stress.
This empathy thing sucks! Tears keep trying to come out today, but I didn't let them since kids were present. I know W is upset about what when down today. I feel sad that she is hurting. I feel sad that R is not improving (I know, be patient). I still miss my W. Packing makes this all the more real.
My stress level should go down some more after I move out and have the new place set up.
On a good note, kids and I went looking at sofas. W is keeping the one in the "marital house", so we will need one at our new house.
Hey Ready,
Sounds like you are having a tough time too. Thank you for having enough strength to encourage me even while you are in such pain.
I wish I could offer you more...sometimes I don't think words capture what we are going through, but I will offer what I can. You are walking a painful road but...you are WALKING.
B
I went for a hike tonight (First time in weeks). It felt good.
I called the kids. Talked a bit. S7 got mad at D6, they start fighting/crying. Someone hangs up phone. I call back. Talk to S7. He explaining why he is mad at D6. W interupts, ask me what I said, I say "don't know". W says "I'm sure" hangs up.
Great. She is pissed. I send her two emails. One about her inappropriate behavior with the phone. Second about S7's anger issue.
Thanks for all support out here. Without the DB and guidance, I am sure I would have jumped off the higher road....
Today was moving day. It went smooth. I will have all the rest of the things out of the house tomorrow.
W is still controlling the kids DVD's, kids Clothing and kids books. Very strange, but I will let the L decide if she wants it to be lopsided....
Good night all!
I'm out!
Kids spend their first night in our new place. They liked it and were very excited.
So far so good.
W and I are discussing (through email) school supplies. Here is her last response:
I'm so glad that you're finally taking an interest. I will go through what we already have as most can be reused.
She has made several similar statements recently. She is still trying to control...
I talked to a mutual friend today that says W is still "stuck"...and that I am "moving forward"....
I am now separated. I completely moved out in 2 days. I should have internet at the new house within the next few days.
ForestG is right: DO WORK.
R2C,
Things may settle down a bit now that you and W are living apart.
Keep strong!
Good day today.
Do Work (big items):
1) I ran the electrical for hot tub. Filled tub with water. Sat in it tonight. Felt great! Set temp low so that kids can go in tomorrow.
2) Internet connected to wireless gateway. PC now connected. What a nightmare.
W dropped kids off at 10AM. This starts my 5 day stretch with them. We had a good day. We went shopping, we attended a free jazz concert. We bought and then played the board game "Sorry". Perfect for 6-9 year olds....
I cooked a spaghetti and meatball dinner. I forgot to buy a can opener so I had to use the old fashion type and punch holes in the sauce can...
Made cookies tonight. They were good....
Hey Ready..
Life with you is an adventure. I can just imagine the fun you had opening the can with the kids watching. That's sure to become a tale told over and over again.
How does it feel to have some breathing room?
*hugs*
Hey Gypsy,
Thanks for stopping in, always appreciate your words....
I haven't had any breathing room yet, but I see it coming this week....
Today is my parenting time. W and S9 are going out to do some one-on-one for about 6 hours. This will give the kids some space from each other. Kids are with each other 24/7.
Hey Gypsy,
Thanks for stopping in, always appreciate your words....
I haven't had any breathing room yet, but I see it coming this week....
Today is my parenting time. W and S9 are going out to do some one-on-one for about 6 hours. This will give the kids some space from each other. Kids are with each other 24/7.
Hey R2C, just checking in and saying hey.
Great that you are getting individual time with the kids dude. That is very important for them, and for you.
Hang in there buddy.
ian
So I was just invited to go dancing.....I exchanged numbers with a woman.....feels strange......I just need to remember to enjoy the moment and not to cross any boundaries right now......
Hey R2C - Thanks for stopping by - just getting caught up with your sitch. Sorry I dropped off the planet, but needed to for sanity sake!
Sounds like things are going about the same for you as me - however, I feel I am totally out of my M and no hope for us. My only solstice is my kids are older.
All's I can say is that once WAW moved out, my life got considerably better. As you know by my thread, I was going to not leave any stone unturned - like you. Going out for the first time was very strange after being married for 24 years. I am not taking anything for granted anylonger.
Enjoy your kids, enjoy your life - it is too short. R2C - you are a good man - and like you said "enjoy the moment" you deserve it!
I will keep in touch, promise! I go to the lawyer tomorrow for mediation and will move out of the house next month as STBX will stay in the house for good reasons.
Take care my friend!
Where's the cookies ?????
You need to tell me all about this woman you exchanged phone #'s with. What if I don't approve ?
hugs
Thanx for checking in on me.Sounds like you're doing alright.
I can't believe how much better I do when I don't see my W.I finally worked a system so I can pick up D without seeing her.Seemed to really rock her with that one.
Wish she wasn't hurting,but this is ME time.
Do work,no doubt.
Hey Ready...
You're finding the man behind the lens?
How is the new abode when the kids aren't there?
Do you have hope for your marriage? Do you want to?
You'll always be an incredible 'devil bunny' to me.
*hugs*
I am setting up my new place. I left almost everything at the "Marital Home".
I now have a 42" TV, and have my PC hooked up to it and using it as my monitor!
Anyway, I was out shopping today, mentioned my Sitch to the guy working, and he said he is initiating D with his W who sits on the coach and drinks all day. I recommend DR to him. It is amazing to me how many people I keep meeting who are going down the D path...
On a better note, One of best friends is now engaged! He was always the third wheel with me and W, Now I guess it might me my turn as the third wheel.... Funny how things 180...
Time to relax in hottub. Night all!
Hi Gypsy!
I feel at home now. I went shopping today and ready for kids....
I want the M to work, but I have not seen any indication W wants to....
This empathy thing sucks! I was talking to a guy tonight, his two young kids died, his W stabbed him and now is in prison for 23 years....I just felt so sorry for the pain he must feel....
I saw W today. I think the "say less than they do" is a good approach. If wife says 5 words, you say 3.
I saw W again today. I asked how her race was. I receive more information than a "Fine" or "Great"....
Baby Steps!
Hey Ready, it's great to see that you got more than a monosyllable answer !
How was dance lady ?
Hugs
Hi Scookie! Thanks for checking on me! Haven't heard from Dance lady. I believe it is my responsibility as a man to call her. We shall see......
I just got of the phone with a friend. It was good talking with her. Time to sleep. The kids are with me. S7 just came out. It is 1:17.
Good night
Best moment of day: S7 and I just got done eating cookies and milk. S7 kept pushing my hand into the milk and laughing.....
Hey Ready..
Your son sounds adorable.. how cute! Carry a little notebook around to jot down those little stories. It's a gift you give to yourself and your kids. Uhh.. and no.. I haven't been carrying mine around so I'll rectify it today.
You've gone from Devil Bunny to Super Rabbit! A hero.
*hugs*
I am slowly getting ME back! I can't believe how much I let W affect my self esteem.....
"What you give out comes back to you" is an amazingly powerful technique. Just remember, that the person you give to may not be the person that gives back.....
Do you want people to be more interested in YOU?? Get more interested in them!
Gypsy, I'd watch it with the rabbit names. LOL On another thread they're suggesting a "rabbit" for um... "tension". lol
Ready, You're so right about getting interested in people.
Hugs
Hey Ready Rabbit!
"What you give out comes back to you"
This board is a prime example. Some people may add to your thread. But if you show compassion and caring to others in your posts on their thread, some will come to yours and add their insight.
I have to tell you, Ready.. you seem like a really good YOU. It sounds like you have solid ground beneath your feet.. not bog walking for you!
My hero!
*hugs*
Thanks Gypsy!
I am building my "Base" or "Foundation" for a better R with W. Building better relationships with others where there is no wall is much easier.....
I saw my W two times today.
Kids had to be two places at once, so I was picking S7 up from school [he is now seeing therapist (Good cause he can work on W and I too...). Insurance covers all cost]. W was there talking to another mom. I walked right over and siad "Hi ladies". I didn't feel the tension. Talked to W a little,she gave me some eye contact. I then "left first" and went and talked to another dad.
Soccer started today. Rain canceled the practice. W lost her keys. Asked me for ride. (I was prepared for this day). I happily said "sure of course!" Started clearing off front passanger seat. W found keys. She gave a sincere thanks!.
WAHOO! Rope dropped. DBing away.
Wow, Ready..
You ARE Mr. DB.. and what confidence too!
How does your level of acceptance of the divorce proceedings and separate households effect how you view your marriage?
*hugs*
Wow, Ready..
You ARE Mr. DB.. and what confidence too!
How does your level of acceptance of the divorce proceedings and separate households effect how you view your marriage?
*hugs*
Patience and Forgiveness with no expectations are my middle name....
So I woke up this morning. First thought was, "Wow kids are still sleeping". I went back to sleep. I woke up later. Next thought "why are kids not coming in". Next thought "They are not here, they are at there Moms".
Soooo, I am used to them coming to me every morning during the school year... things to accept and get used to.
Soooo, how did I handle it? I went to school and S9 was walking in. Gave him a hugs and told him to have a good day.
Living 3 minutes from the school was a great choice!
W and I talked about the exchanges of kids today. I got a polite goodbye. First time in long time......
Baby steps....(Giving her space now is good) The tension is less now that I am out of the marital house.
GAL- So I have a saltwater fish tank that got neglected over the last 6 months. I moved all the corals and fish into to new tank at the new house. The heater broke and I didn't notice till too late. Anyway, I have new heater and tank looks stable. I have aquired a pair of clown fish I hope to breed.....
GAL- I have a PS3 and 3 games. Hopefully I can get online and have some fun.
GAL- My back problems are gone. I made it to the Gym the other day and out for a nice bike ride....
GAL- Went dancing Friday night.
GAL-had friends over for dinner Sat night.
GAL-went to my moms house for dinner tonight.
Church is now every other weekend. I take the kids on my parenting time, and give W space by not going during her parenting time..... (opps this post was not going to mention W, Oh well) Enjoyed singing with kids. No tension at church now that W is not in my space.....
Man... You're quite the GAL.. for a guy!
Neat!
*hugs*
I didn't let the R problems get me down. I just got busy with other things. Too many hobbies. W never joined me (always wondered why).
Hello there R2C,
Just wanted to thank you for reading my story & giving me words of encouragement. I'm really encouraged by your story & how quickly you detached & got on with your life.
I see you have a saltwater aquarium. Those things are a B**ch to keep up! "We" have one - it's really my h's. When he walked out I tried to clean it & keep it filled up but it's getting pretty disgusting. He works on it periodically when he "vistits" - which isn't often.
My h loved that thing & now he acts like he doesn't even notice that it's all dying. (hmmmmm, is this symbolic?)
W dropped of S7 tonight. I invited her in to say hi to D6 (taking bath) and had the boys show her the new frogs....DBing at it's best. It goes against my natural instinct.
Anyway, tonight last time with kids till next Monday night. I will GAL for the next 5 nights....
Ready - I echo continuing's reply. This has to be very hard for you and my prayers are with you, and your wife and your kids. Thanks so much for taking the time to jump on my post and offer words of encouragement. It really means a lot!
Hang in there and remain patient. It sounds like you're doing the right things.
Edgy
Ready - I echo continuing's reply. This has to be very hard for you and my prayers are with you, and your wife and your kids. Thanks so much for taking the time to jump on my post and offer words of encouragement. It really means a lot!
Hang in there and remain patient. It sounds like you're doing the right things.
Edgy
I have to do what is right for the kids (and ME). W is doing what she believes is best for her. Being in different houses is less stressful! W came into mine today. I just did my normal thing with kids....Show her I am moving on and don't need her.
Hey Ready..
A house isn't a home until you've got frogs. Good for you.
I'm still taking notes to emulate you.
*hugs*
Hi Ready,
do the clown fish know of your feisty plans ??? LOL
You, my friend, are doing really great.
Hugs
...You, my friend, are doing really great...
I don't know about that...I am surviving! I feel so confused right now. Being on the fence sucks!
Ready..
What is confusing you?
*hugs*
Ready..
What is confusing you?
*hugs*
How I feel about W. Looking back, the R sucked for a long time. I need her to bend alot. I don't think she will. But then again, she didn't think I would bend. Am I going down cheeseless tunnels? Does W have OM that I don't know about. Does W like women?? AHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!
Oh ya, this alpha male @#$% sucks too! I now notice women checking me out alot! I have women smiling at me, flirting with me. Asking me out! (and on top of that I am enjoying it!)
I'm going biking and try to relax....be back later.....
Well Ready..
It is tough being a stud muffin. Your new attitude toward life, way of approaching things is very appealing. Attention, especially from the opposite sex, is very electrifying.
Your only question is.. do you want the marriage? What do you want for your children?
The attention, pursuit, flirting are all ego boosts which end up leading you back to the same place... what do you want out of a relationship? You can date, tease, boink all the beauties but what is your end goal?
That's what so tough.. what do you want in the end?
Things changed for me when I was begging him for money for the kids. Parents look out for their children. It's hard to respect someone who doesn't.
*hugs*
Ready..
What is confusing you?
*hugs*
How I feel about W. Looking back, the R sucked for a long time. I need her to bend alot. I don't think she will. But then again, she didn't think I would bend. Am I going down cheeseless tunnels? Does W have OM that I don't know about. Does W like women?? AHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!
The thought of him leaving me because he discovered he was gay was something I could live with.. he wouldn't be rejecting just me, he'd be rejecting all women.
There's no need to project into the future about what you need her to do. It's about what you need to do to become a better person, the best father you can be.
About all those womenfolk. Eye candy is always sweeter imagined than tasted.
When you're done with the marriage, it's one thing. While you're working on it it's something completely different.. or at least it is for me. Then again I don't put myself out there.
*hugs*
...Your only question is.. do you want the marriage? What do you want for your children?...
I want my children to see W and I happy. I want my children to see W and I treating each other with respect. I want W and I to be good roll models. I want my children to see there parents in loving relationship(s).
These can happen with or without the M. I believe it is better if they see this with W and I married to each other. Hopefully they can see W and I make up.....
...When you're done with the marriage, it's one thing. While you're working on it it's something completely different.. or at least it is for me. Then again I don't put myself out there...
I am working on ME right now with the end goal working on my M. I have moved some of my boundaries around. Good/Bad I am not sure. It is crazy, but I know you and SCookie more than I know my W. My insight from my other relationships helps me understand what W is going though.
Writing about deep hurts in an honest and open matter lets us know each other from the inside out.
Very rarely would I share the level of intimate details of my life, looking for advice from strangers. Yet we all share a common pain which unites us uniquely. We all have the same goal.
I can holler, comfort and whack you with 2x4's and expect the same honesty from you or any other people I trust in this online community.
You're very good at learning from observation and making things happen.
*hugs*
GAL- I had a massage tonight. It was great to get the tension out.
I actually talked to kids for awhile on the phone without feeling anxious....Past phone calls I felt I was invading on W's parenting time.....
S9 was chatty tonight.
D6 - Our conversations go like this:
me: I love you
her: I love you two
me: I love you three!
her: I love you 100 and beyond! ( I used to say infinity and beyond)
Very good times!
S7 was listening to mommy read, said he will call back...
Ready,
First, I want to thank you for your support on my thread. I have read your sitch and can totaly understand how hard it is to continue to sit on the fence. I have been asked on out many dates as well (think it is my new found confidence that has helped to get the offers). Gald to hear that your M is your priority. I know things are are hard right now but you are doing great. Thanks again fo rall of the wonderful support.
Crazy busy for the last couple days. My buddy was hunting mnt goats and got one, and brought it to my house. I "processed" it and now have goat steaks,roasts, and meat to go to grinder... Not fun, but felt good to help him out.
Laundry is done (went to laundry mat today). I should buy a W/D. I am enjoying talking to people while ding laundry, so I keep going out to do it for a while....
Went out and shot some pool. It felt good to do something relaxing. I drank more than a pitcher of water. I have been dehydrated lately, so this helped.
I plan on just working on setting up the house tomorrow. It will be nice....
Good night all!
O ya, interesting fact: One of the moms from baseball works where I went to play pool. I told her about my sitch. She said she had no clue. Funny how I felt "everyone" at baseball could see the tension between me and W.
Ready, This just goes to show you that "reality" is only what we think it is. You thought everyone could tell, so went about thinking that everyone knew. That was YOUR reality. The truth was something different, people could not tell. Imagine the energy you were putting out there becasue of this assumption, probably pretty negative. What if you had a shift in thinking. What if you started to think that everything will be ok no matter what. That things between you and your wife will work out for the best (whatever that may be) and you are suppose to be here, at this moment, doing this thing right now. How would that change your thinking and your reality?
This is what I did. I tried to stop focusing on the negatives that I was putting out there and start believing in the positives. By thinking that no matter what, it will be great, I gave myself freedom to let go of things that where holding me back - mainly fear. By believing that I am were I am suppose to be, I took the pressure off of myself to keep doing better, or to have a better R, and I no longer feel like I have failed. It let me keep moving with hope and strength and no longer with preconcieved notions of what my "reality" should be. This is the journey I am suppose to take. Hope this makes since. Just wanted to share how I believe the power of our own thoughts can shape our percieved reality.
Thanks BH!
I had PMA during Baseball. I vented to a few of "my friends".
Kids will be here in an hour! I am excited to see them! It has been since Wednesday AM.....
House is almost ready for them. New sheets in D6 room. Moved bed and dresser to noew location. (Changed out the toys with different ones...
Time to tackle the boys room....
Hey Hearted..
I enjoy your insights,. thank you!
Hi R2C,
Thanks for posting on my thread last night. I'm formulating some plans & questions in the next few days if you'll check by again.
And, I've figured out most of the abbreviations, but what does PMA stand for?
Just call me guru! hehe....only wish my WAH would open up his eyes and heart to see the peace that I have come to, but he still has his own journey. <Sigh>. Thanks Ready and Gypsy.
Ready, vent away. You need a healthy place to let it out so that it doesnt stay inside you festering away. Just make sure it is to people that you trust and who can support you, not push youor judge you. SOmetimes I feel like a broken record (hey, maybe I should change my name from brokenhearted to brokenrecord) because I have cried on my friends shoulders so many times. I needed to do it, it was part of my healing process. These BB have also been a godsend as well. We are here for you Ready!
Hello Silver Fox..
PMA = Positive Mental Attitude!
*hugs*
Hey Ready and Changing..
How's the evening with the kids? My daughter and I snuggled tonight, the first time in a while.
Thanks for the hugs, prayers and your thoughtfulness.
You're the best.
*hugs*
OK time to vent:
W feeds kids before they get here. I want to PROVE I can make dinners. Anyway I drop that. I will send nice email thanking her for the thoughtful gesture and ask her to give me some advance notice in the future if she plans on giving kids dinner so that I can plan accordingly. The lack of communication is insane! Cant she be angry with me and still communicate???
Here is what I sent W:
Subject: Thanks
Hi W,
I just want to say thanks for feeding the kids dinner before the exchange. That was very considerate of you. It gave us a chance to go out and have some fun tonight.
In the future, I would appreciate some communication far enough in advance so that I don't have a dinner prepared and three kids that have already eaten.
Thanks for understanding.
HMMM...from a womans point of view, no. The first thing that I withold when angry is any form of communication. She is prob thinking, why shoueld I tell him anything, he can figure it out all on his own, after all I'm DONE with him. It also is prob givening her some kind of sick since of control of the sitch because SHE is calling the shots with the kids. Just wanted to give you my perspective.
Now that you know the space she is in, do not play into it. Sending an email thanking her for being gracious enough to feed the kids on your night will throw her. Make sure it is sinsere though, that sarcasm can not be read into it. I would also make small comments every so often when you see her like, "I will have the kids back by 8 pm tonight. Oh, that blouse looks really nice on you, brings out your eyes. So, hope thats not to late for them to get back home." Just drop in compliments without really seeming to be focusing on her. Again, just another way to help smooth the waters.
Hope a girls point of view helps. Still does not take away the pain and frusteration you must be feeling at these times. Just remember, it has nothing to do with you. Most of what they say is them projecting their own demons back onto us. You are doing great and staying strong.
Thanks BH. Female input is always welcome!
I almost left off the communication part. She isn't communicating at all, so I point this out every so often.
It is hard to make joint decission about the kids with no communication.
I know she is hurting.
Hey Ready..
You have to feed the kids how many days in a row? Does the food keep?
All I know is that the hairs on my neck went up when I read the last part of your note and I got an obstinate feeling.
"In the future, I would appreciate some communication far enough in advance so that I don't have a dinner prepared and three kids that have already eaten."
Is the issue a prepared meal or what's being taken away.. the family time that comes from eating together?
*hugs and prayers*
Thanking her is a great idea but that last part is borderline hostile...it's just too cold. If you could keep it light then it might flow better.
I get the feeling that a direct blunt approach will only get you more resistance. Sliding it in as if it's an after thought might be better recieved.
Ready, how are things going?
...Is the issue a prepared meal or what's being taken away.. the family time that comes from eating together...
The issue is control. I feel she feeds to kids so that I can not. (she later replied that the kids ate at 2 (not 4:30 like the kids told me)...Anyway water under the bridge
Ready, how are things going?
Great. It was wonderful spending time with the kids. I saw W today and was able to just listen to her concerns. I may soon be to the point where I can just look at her and enjoy her for who she is when she is venting. I was pretty close today.
Time to reflect:
I want to do what is best for our M.
Being separated has been a wonderful growth period for me. Amazing how D allows one to grow....
I want to do what is best for our kids.
This is my driving factor for all my actions, words and thoughts.
I want to listen (really listen) to W.
Wow, still hard to do this...I am getting better. More work to do in this area.
I want more effective and frequent communication.
Communication is still not where it needs to be. The lack of communication is still causing issues....
I don't want to get mad or angry.
I have come a long way on this one. W's actions and mood do not affect me much. She can be angry all she wants. Her choice not mine.
I want to spend more one on one time with W.
This one is still on hold.
I want to do more family activities.
This one is full steam ahead! Me and the kids are having a great time together.....
I want to spend more one on one time with each of our kids.
I am getting this while I let the other two play together. Painting D6 toes tonight was a good bonding time!
I want to let W have the freedom to do what she wants.
She is as free as a bird! I have no desire to control what W does. It is her life to live!
I want W to let me have the freedom to do what I want.
This is the best of all. I have full control of my life. I have full control of my kids when they are with me. I feel free!!!!!!
Hi friends!
Today was W's parenting time. I went to soccer practice and watched. S7 got a ball in the eye and I held him for about 5 minutes until he "recovered". I also talked with a friend I haven't seen since baseball. She has a WAS that left her over a year ago and has only had contact with him 2X. She is doing better now, but the anger is still in her voice when she talks about H. I don't understand how the S can just leave without contact. Are they that detached from there kids???
Anyway feels good to be out of the tension.
Ready, I want to say two things to you right now.....first, WOW, you sound so strong and put together. Look how far you have come and how much you have grown. I think it is so important to journal so that we can look back and see the path that we were on compared to the path we are now on. Second, I want to talk to you about the control issue your wife has with you. My IC gave me some great advise (hope she would , I pay her enough, hehe). Anyway, she told me a story about a woman who always complained that her ex-H did not spend enough time w his kids. When he finally stepped up to the plate and started to spend alot of time w his kids, she started to complain that he was spending too much time with them. If you start to thank her for making diner for the kids, it is going to backfire on her and she will change her strategy and you will get to spend this quality time with them. Just a suggestion. Its kind of like judo, you use their energy to help you fight your fight. Hope it makes since. You are doing great and kudos to you for getting to have 2 great days with your kids!
Thanks BH,
I like your suggestion.
Good night!
Oh ya, skunks live nearby the new house, smell them now.....
R2C - have been following your thread recently. While it is sad that things have gotten to the point they are, I am very inspired by your approach, your attitude and all round dedication to the cause. I know also that it can be really hard to avoid "tasting the apple." After all you have been without love and loving for a long time, not to mention th urges a man has. I am looking at this like a long Lenten fast where staying off tempations is what I need to do for a long time until I am ready.
Keep it up.
Good morning, Ready..
Cuddling with your son for 5 minutes at soccer had to be precious. Becoming the Dad you are now is even better. Divorce does make folks wake up and figure out their priorities.
Remember, apples are.. temptation incarnate. Switch to bananas!
*hugs*
...Cuddling with your son for 5 minutes at soccer had to be precious....
It is all the role reversals that need to happen to make both partners equal. Old me just let W do this. New me needs/wants to do this.
Of course Mommy came to the rescue and I handed him to her.
[quote=Gypsy]
Of course Mommy came to the rescue and I handed him to her.
Ready, I am not defending your W here at all, I just want to say something from a mother's perspective. I have generally been the one who took care of my S physical and emotional needs. When he would get hurt, I was the one who put the bandaid on. That was my role - main caregiver. Even to this day I swoop in at times to try and help him. When my H and I first seperated, there was an incident where S hurt his head and began to cry. I rushed over passing my H to get to my S so that I could care for him. It was instinct. H started yelling at me that I was not letting him be a parent and I had no right to do that. Again, I was not trying to push him out of the way, it was just the dynamic of how things had always been. Ijust wanted to give you a possible different take on the sitch.
We can chose to look at other in a negative light or a positive light, even when they are doing negative things. Maybe she was just obeying her mommy instincts and felt that S could use some of her attention as well. It might have had nothing to do with you. When we focus on the positives in life, it becomes a happy place to navigate and forgiveness is handed out readily. I have seen too many people go through D only to end up angry bitter people. I made the decision I would NOT become one of the walking wounded. The only way I could let go of the pain was to try and always see things from a more positive point of view so that I could forgive and let go.
I think you are a wonderful father and now you are getting the opportunity to know your children very well. When you have them, it is YOUR time with them and you get to be in charge of the memories you create for them. As much as all of this sucks, your bond you have with your children is a positive. Look at how much you have grown through this as well. You are no longer the person that your W left. That is good too. If she does not want to come back in the end, SHE is the one missing out on something pretty freaking wonderful, not you. Hope you dont see me as being to pushy, just was trying to offer an alternative on how to think about things. Hope you are doing good.
Hi BH!
I saw all the positives. (Maybe that didn't come across in my post)...Yes is was nice that W came over to comfort S8. It was nice that we BOTH got to do it. She is also leaning to more to the "Suck it up" side.....We will meet in the middle.
The only thing that sucks for me is not "getting it out of my head!". Last night I had too many thoughts going on....
The only thing that sucks for me is not "getting it out of my head!". Last night I had too many thoughts going on....
That happens to me as well.....right now in fact. Its all of those insecurities trying to take hold and it brings me down sometimes. I just try and post when ever it happens and hope some kind soul (like you have been) will offer me up a dose of hope.
I am glad that you could see the positive in the sitch. Good job grasshopper....:)
Anything fun planned for your weekend?
My parenting time with kids start at 10AM Sat! Soccer practices. I have W bringing the bikes. Need to go shopping (as family!)...
Hey Ready.. thanks for the call. Talked to our buddy and she's doing well.
What a grapevine we have!
The lawyers had a status conference today where they didn't even see a judge and had inconclusive results. That probably means neither one liked what the other proposed. We'll see where it goes.
Have a great weekend with your kids!
*hugs*
Hey Ready.. thanks for the call. Talked to our buddy and she's doing well.
Thanks for the update. I was worried....
The lawyers had a status conference today where they didn't even see a judge and had inconclusive results. That probably means neither one liked what the other proposed. We'll see where it goes.
They reviewed how much money you have, decided how much to take before settling....
Have a great weekend with your kids!
I plan on it! You have a wonderful weekend too!
((((((Ready))))))) Things are better. Thanks so much.
Hugs
Have an awesome time with your kids. You're a wonderful dad, they're lucky to have you !
Kids outside riding bikes right now. Quickly poped to BB to say hi!
Glad things are better.
*HUGS*
Hey Ready..
Hope you're tuckered out from playing with the kids and sleeping soundly. I'm off to snooze myself.
Enjoy your lil pumpkins.
*hugs*
PS.. let me know how the old Buddhist monk trick goes.
Holly COW!!!!
I am caught up in life! I made it through all the mail and got all the bills paid (a couple are late).
I had a good weekend with the kids. No one controlling what we did but us! We road our bikes down to the middle school and the boys road around the track while D6 and I laid in the sun! It is SOOO much more relaxing. We can just be a family without have to run and do 50 things.....
Ready, sounds like a wonderful weekend. Enjoy these moment because the kids will grow up all too soon and then there will only be memories. You are such a great dad! Wish alot of the WAH could get some tips from you.
Hi All,
Last night with kids till Sunday at 5PM. Things are good. Kids are adjusting well.
Now I am not wanting interactions with W. I feel all interactions are negative. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
CRAZY!
Hey,
Thanks for giving such great advice. I wish things were better for you.
Oh ya,
I don't need anyone to worry about me. I will be "Elk hunting" Thursday-Sunday so I will be MIA.
It is my annual trip that I go on with high school buddy. We ride horseback. It is good time. I never shoot anything (Archery is tough sport). Maybe this year will be my lucky year!
Ready, sounds like you are living life to its fullest. Good for you. You are right, if things are really negative between you and W, step back and detach. You have been such a wonderful pillar of strength to so many of us here. I hope one day your wife can see what a wonderful man she left, but if she doesnt, then you will find someone who can appreciate all of your wisdom and your kind heart. Have fun this week!
Ready..
Archery? On a horsey? Aiming at big things? That move?
Do you take lots of pictures too?
Hope you have a more than incredible grrrrrrrrrrrreat time!
Heck.. I know you will!
*hugs*
I talked to L today. Looks like Final Orders may be in Jan (11 months from bomb) unless an earlier date opens up.