After 17 mts of seperation and the only communication with my stbxw angry letters back and forth through lawyers I took the risk of reaching out to her by phone in the hope that we could resolve the outstanding issues between us. Much to my surprise we spoke on the phone and she came over to talk in person.
The conversation was pleasent and we actually agreed on the seperation of contents. The next day I called my L and told him that it was time to complete the agreement and put an end to the legal money pit.
stbxw came over the next day to remove agreed upon contents. Here's the confusion. The process was pleasant and the exchange between us was light and humerous and dare I say normal. Even small examples of intimacy. ie pet names.
My question is, having not spoken for soooo.. long is it possible that this could be an opportunity to discuss R, past, present and future or should I simply allow it to continue on the road to D.
I'm very confused right now. Act, don't act? Contact her, don't contact her? We haven't spoken as husband and wife in a long time so this seems like an oppotunity to at least try to reach out and test the water. Speaking with her the other night I realized that we were both acting defensive because of the legal situation but in reality I saw in her the woman that I love, did she see it in me?
Any advice would be appreciated.
I agree that legal stuff does get us horribly defensive and adding Ls to the mix does make things harder than they prob shoul be. That being said, she could just have accepted the stich and in her mind "this" is almost over, and has realized you two can talk in decent terms about the D.
Then again, it's not over 'til the fat lady sings. I'm tempted to suggest you call her and see if she'd meet with you elsewhere, for coffe or somethign non-commital like that, what would she say?
Hi cat03, nice to see you again.
My pessimistic side agrees with your first impression, she sees the end is near and is simply relieved.
My optimistic side says "its not over 'til the fat lady sings"
I did call her today to see if she would like to meet and talk. Unfortunately, I had to leave a message, asking her to call when she had a minute. Three hours later I went out (GAL) when she called and left a message saying I could call her back. But it's 12:24 am so todays opportunity is gone.
After so long apart I really don't know what she might say. I have to believe that no WAS can completely forget the many joyous moments that happen within a M.
Am I just kidding myself?
STBXW should be here shortly to continue with the division of property. I intend to be welcoming and helpful if I can as I was on Fri.
Has anyone been in a similar situation where so much time has passed but was somehow able to reconnect? I'm amazed that this opportunity has even presented itself but unsure how to introduce personal feelings in an atmosphere of business.
I have a co-worker whos parents divorced when she was 2. They did not speak on any emotional level until she was 18. Then they got remarried.
Have faith...it ain't over 'til is over...
{{{Sad}}}
Lola
Guidance and advice is no longer required. Dead is dead is DEAD! Period.
Hmm, after one day you are declaring it "dead?" Let's step back a second and look at this. First no matter what the process and lawyers create animosity and conflict. Notice how once the two of you sat down you were able to discuss things like mature adults? Well lawyers get paid to take sides and they are also paid to "win." There are no winners here other than the lawyers that get everyone's money.
So you two were able to have reasonable, even good and light hearted discussions. Good, now if you really want to save it all don't push any further, keep your chin up, keep a good attitude and shut your mouth if what you want to say isn't constructive. Then let time heal the wounds. Sure it's been a while and the severity of the wounds make mean it'll take a while longer. Rome wasn't built in a day. Re-read the DR/DB books and put them to work for you.
give yourself time to be angry and let your emotions flow, but dont' let them hijack you and make you make decisions in the heat of the moment.
This could/could not be over, but you should be able to peacefully say good bye to your M, without anger.
It's ok to feel rotten today Sad1, tomorrow is another day.
Thank-you so much for you're responses.
I was trying to say that I now understand why there is no going back and no going forward together. I contacted stbxw with the belief that we could resolve the remaining issues as friends? H and W? reasonable adults? and agree to compromise on the contents. Sparing ouselves the stress and cost of a legally imposed agreement. What started out as pleasent conversation about DD17, beloved dog, compromise and me helping load OUR possessions into the van quickly became a militant exercise in greed and revenge (fuelled by the attack dog sister). Until the very end when I had to say enough is enough. I am not her friend, I am not her H and I will never be a reasonable adult to her (them).
cat03 said it earlier, that she simply saw the end near. stbxw used my offer as an opportunity to quickly complete the process that she started 17 mths earlier.
Those that care for me had told me that she left the M long before she left our home. I understand now what they were trying to show me. My heart was broken, I had hope, I held on to feelings for a person who no longer has feelings for me. Yesterday I felt for the first time that I can't feel the pain any more. My heart does not hurt. The woman that I thought that I loved dosen't exist. The R/M is dead. My moment of clarity, my moment of true acceptance. I am not angry, I have GAL and will continue to do so feeling that, without grief and remorse, I can begin to feel happiness.
Hopefully as catfan says, time will heal the wounds. My hope would be that stbxw will not have to live her life with hate and resentment.
So now, sitting here in my empty, echo..echo..echo.. home, I think that I might be able to give something back to DB.com in the form of my experience. I experienced the loss and I learned MY lesson. I will support DB and all who wish to save their M's
To those that offered me support and advice I thank you. I am an alcoholic...ooops I mean I am divorced and my name is Al.
Who's responsible for spell checking on these things? Me? Ooops!
I'd like to thank those for YOUR responses.