Time for me to start a thread in a new forum. I've been posting on the site since last year. Been through Newcomers, Infidelity and Piecing. After three months working on rebuilding our R, W told me that she still wasn't feeling what she should for me and that she needed to move out in order to figure out what she really wants. I'm not going to try and fill in all the blanks along the way, so I'll start fresh here with this past weekend.
Friday night was busy. I met some friends from my last job for a happy hour. Had a great time there seeing a lot of the old crew. The weather was great that day, so I rode my motorcycle to and from work. After the happy hour, my son's karate school had a movie night, so that meant two hours of free time for me and W. She had mentioned that she wanted to pack and clean during this time, but when I was at the happy hour, she texted me and asked if I wanted to meet her for drinks and appetizers. I said yes and met her at a bar local to our house. Had a very nice time with her. After that, we picked up the kids and then brought them to my IL's house so that we could go see her BIL's band play. The friends that I had been with earlier that night also went to the bar, so I hung with them for most of the night.
W was out on back porch at bar with her S. She told me later that a guy was trying to pick up her S who is married. W said what about me? He told her he thought she was out of his league, so he didn't bother. Now in the past, that wouldn't have bothered me, but today, I realize that it makes me insane. I'm not one for being aggressive and have never picked a bar fight, but I was close that night.
W (Mo2C - she has also posted in these boards) moved out Saturday into her own apartment. She rented a small moving van and her family came over to help out. I also helped with the move. It was a bit weird. I was feeling a bit anxious and on edge in the beginning of the day, but things went really well and I was feeling better when it was done. We got everything to the apartment and mostly set up. Our kids very quickly found friends from school that live close by and were out and playing in no time. W picked up pizza and beer and we hung out for a while before returning the van and then heading back to my house. W left, and I spent the rest of the evening with the kids. W came back later that night because she had forgotten her toothbrush and pajamas. She looked really upset and told me the next day that it was really hard leaving the house after that.
Sunday W took D to horseback riding lessons and I went out with S grocery shopping. This is one area that W took primary responsibility of, so I have some learning to do. W and I had our first 'date' when we went to a late lunch for the opening of my sister's restaurant. I think we had a nice time there. I asked W if she would come over later that night so we could watch a DVD from Netflix that has been sitting around for awhile. She took the kids to her parents for dinner and had them back by eight. I cleaned around the house while they were out. We got them to bed and then watched the movie. After that, she grabbed a few more things and headed to the apartment.
This week is Spring Break for the kids, and I took off M, T to watch them. We went out this morning to get a bed for S, because the one he was using was moved to the apartment. Little League tonight and then back to sister's restaurant.
Hope, your sitch sounds similar to mine. In January my H told me he had to separate. We got an apartment and we share it and the house. Basically whomever has the kids stays in the house. We have the most odd separation ever. We eat dinner together as a family most nights, spend lots of time together as a family, but really don't spend any time together alone. My H is very confused and doesn't know what he wants.
If you're interested, here are my threads:
Solution Journal JenInVen/CW68 #1 Solution Journals JenInVen/CW68 #2 #1 Did I find DB too late? Too late? #2 Too late? #3 Too late? #4
Identical to my sitch as well...almost quote for quote. It's a bit scary to read yours, in fact. I understand your frustration and confusion. For instance, here is what I am handling.
My W feels the "need" (not just a want, a desire or a preference) to be on her own. But she doesn't really know why. She loves me deeply. She thinks I'm "hot", and a "real catch". We connect on a visceral level. We can talk for hours. She tells me she is confused, bored, and lonely. We see each other every weekend. We have been together 30 years, and married for 28 of them. We have been through hell and back with family deaths, struggles, extended time away from each other etc, but through all of it we have been there for each other.
Now....she doesn't want to be with me.
Twice in the past 4 months, she has told me she wants to reconcile and move back home...but the next day, has changed her mind.
She feels she needs to discover who she is, and for that she needs to be away from me, away from "us". She thinks that I am probably not in her future, but doesn't discount it entirely. She even thinks it's possible that we might divorce, but somehow end up together again in the future. She needs time and space to discover what she says will become "spectacularly obvious", and feels it can't be rushed with a timeline...and she is certain that I won't wait for her to do this.
She thinks she's confused...baby, walk a mile in my shoes.
HFF, I feel your pain...it hurts, doesn't it?
I just wonder what it is that these people expect from marriage? My H tells me that he loves me, respects me, thinks I'm a wonderful person, that I'm an excellent mother, a good spouse and that we have a great physical attraction to each other. What else can you ask for? IMO, it's something inside of him that's broken and can be fixed. Fixed with me, with our family intact, without the hurt to the rest of us. But maybe I'm off here and he actually can't be happy with me instead of my view of him not letting himself be happy with me.
It's a mental illness, I swear. I don't know how many times I've felt like calling bullshyte on the whole thing and telling her to grow up. But I bite my tongue and prepare for the next day - alone again. And so does she.
She has a bunch of friends who are all good looking and nice - think any of them can find a decent man? She even tells me this!
My W has a MORE THAN DECENT man right here, ready and willing to love and be loved.
It blows my mind.
CW and MM,
Agree, they do sound similar, at least with the current situations. It seems like the events that led up to this point were a little different.
MM, in some of your recent threads, I could swear you are quoting my life. Particularly when you W was trying to convince you to date the Starbucks woman. She has suggested several times that I go out and see other women. Part of me says yes, part of me says no way.
This past weekend was pretty good with W, aside from her moving out. We went out Friday night to a couple of places and then had lunch on Saturday and watched a DVD that night. She seems quite sad when I've spoken to her. I think it is mostly because she is missing the kids.
The mental illness thing...
If I agreed with you, I'd get in trouble. W knows of these boards and posts occasionally as Mom of 2 Cherubs. Maybe if I say something really outlandish, I'll get her to post something again.
The events are different, but it seems as if they are all stuck in the same thought pattern. grrr.
MM, last week I told my husband to just "man up!" Not good DBing, I realize, but it really is how I feel. He's got a 5- and 6-year old here that he really should be putting first IMO since he's got no big obstacles in his way. But I'm not in his shoes so I can't really understand.
I'm just going to throw this out - I have thought in the past that it would be great to have a "marriage sabbatical". Not a "separation", but time apart with the mutual, loving understanding that the core of the marriage is solid and that time apart (6-12 mos) is good for both partners and the marriage itself. For those of you whose WAS still seems to truly love you and miss you/the family, wouldn't it be better if your time apart could be reframed as something healthy and normal?
A friend loaned me a book that I haven't read yet - the title is A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman by Joan Anderson. As a writer, she was able to retreat to Cape Cod and the experience was a time of growth for them as people and healing for their M. A lot of us with 9-5 jobs can't go live on an island for a long time, but if there was a way to take "time out" without guilt or pressure I think it would help a lot of Ms.
I'm just going to throw this out - I have thought in the past that it would be great to have a "marriage sabbatical". Not a "separation", but time apart with the mutual, loving understanding that the core of the marriage is solid and that time apart (6-12 mos) is good for both partners and the marriage itself. For those of you whose WAS still seems to truly love you and miss you/the family, wouldn't it be better if your time apart could be reframed as something healthy and normal?
Interesting. I like the positive conotation this puts on the idea of separation. This seems like it is what my W wants out of the time apart. She doesn't want to get a D. She wants to use the time to work on our R. The only thing that muddies the waters for me at this point is that she suggested that I see other people. I can almost understand that. She tells me that she wants me to also be sure that she is the one for me, so she wants me to keep my eyes open. Not sure how healthy that would be at this point.
Your W wanting to stay married is a huge plus. It's important to have that as a goal. I don't think dating falls into that, but that's me.
I could definitely deal with my H thinking this is a marriage sabbatical, but he doesn't know if he wants a D or not. Actually, more specifically, he doesn't know if he wants to come back to our marriage or not. But he does want to be married and looks forward to being happily married, it's just that what we have doesn't "do it" for him.
A marriage sabbatical. Nice.
My own opinion is that "seeing other people" has no place in M and would not be permitted during sabbatical either. For me, personally, that would be a deal breaker. I know that some couples try the "open marriage" route, but I don't know how often those Ms turn out to be healthy and successful. Even if D, the "expert" recommendation is to allow yourself 1 year on your own for every 4-5 years of M before you get involved with someone else.
So, the night before last was my first night 'alone' in the house. No Mo2C, no kids. The house is too big for just me and it was lonely. That night was tough, but I plan on staying busy and looking to try new things.
I'm definitely trying to get out of my comfort zone. I've been doing karate since the beginning of the year and last night I took part in a full contact, kick-boxing match. Our dojo was helping some guys train for a tournament. The guy I fought is a couple of belts above me, but a little smaller. I went for a two minute round. It is EXHAUSTING!! and my ribs are killing me today. I think he may have cracked one, but I'm glad I did it.
Mo2C came to the house yesterday afternoon to pick up a few more things. The night before, I had bought a DVD player for her as a house warming gift and so that she would have it available for us to do occasional movie nights at her house. She thanked me for it and she initiated a couple of kisses before leaving.
It's hard to make the adjustment to alone - but sometimes a relief when there has been so much tension in the house. Missing the kids has got to be tough, though. Sounds like you are being supportive to W - much better than fighting!
It's hard to make the adjustment to alone - but sometimes a relief when there has been so much tension in the house. Missing the kids has got to be tough, though. Sounds like you are being supportive to W - much better than fighting!
If there had been tension in the house, I agree it would be a welcome break, but unfortunately / fortunately, the past few months were mostly tension free. W and I really had been getting along well.
A few interactions with W yesterday. I called her cell at lunch time and D picked up the phone. They were in the car getting back to the apt. after picking up a new mattress. Talked to D a bit and then had her pass the phone to S. They had just pulled into parking spot and W was working on getting mattress off of truck, so the conversation with S got choppy and confusing. Hello? Hello?
It's hard trying to have a conversation with a 6 year old, but even more frustrating when he's running around a parking lot. I told him to tell mom I'd call back at a better time and said goodbye.
W called back a minute later and wanted to know if I needed to talk to her. Told her that the call had been confusing and frustrating and that I figured it would be better to let her unload the mattress and I would call back at a better time. We talked for a minute and then I went back to work.
W called later and left a message to give me her new house phone #.
Got home from work. Made dinner for myself (steak and broccoli rabe). Went to Home Depot and picked up some discount wood to make a table for the breakfast nook (cost for wood to make table top about $8 - bargain). Also bought some shelves for W's laundry room. Got home and gave dog a bath, watched some TV and then bed.
My ribs are feeling better this morning, so I don't think I cracked anything - just bruised.
TGIF
I got tonight and started working on making a big pot of tomato sauce so I'll have it around for future meals.
As I'm cooking, W pulls up with the kids and rings the doorbell. I meet her at the door and she asks if she can come in to grab a few things. She asks what my plans are for the evening and tells me that the cooking smells good. She wondered why I hadn't called her all day.
We just got a case of wine from our wine club, so she took her share of the bottles. I helped get the box into her car and then we said good bye. I initiated a couple of kisses and a hug before she left and then said goodbye to the kids.
I did notice that she isn't wearing her wedding ring band and wasn't the last few times I saw her. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. We're separated yes, but we are still married and supposed to be working on the R. The ring thing just really bothers me. To me, I see it as a conscious decision to not wear it... to not have that symbolism of committment... to look available.
no i here ya on the ring. my W says we are working on the M but she hasent had her ring on since Jan. the sad part it in any sepaqration one part wants it to work more then the other one does. I dont know about your sitch enough but my W likes to say since she dosent feel all the way comitied she feels that she shouldn't have to wear her ring. this of course makes us commited partners feel like they are putting themselves out there. and in a way they are.
This really is the question, isn't it? Is she available to other men? You are going to have to discuss it. I would recommend dialoguing on it, to get full answers, not just conversation. What drives spouses apart is living a married-singles lifestyle. What holds a marriage together is doing things together, and working together toward goals. For a while there I was sort of believing that although you were separating, you were doing it together, and therefore, somehow, maybe, it wouldn't push you further apart. But if the separation is to have a singles lifestyle, then there really isn't much question as to where it will lead. A good first question is, "How do I feel about wearing my wedding ring?" When that has been fully explored you will probably have other deeper questions that need to be explored.
This really is the question, isn't it? Is she available to other men? You are going to have to discuss it. I would recommend dialoguing on it, to get full answers, not just conversation. What drives spouses apart is living a married-singles lifestyle. What holds a marriage together is doing things together, and working together toward goals. For a while there I was sort of believing that although you were separating, you were doing it together, and therefore, somehow, maybe, it wouldn't push you further apart. But if the separation is to have a singles lifestyle, then there really isn't much question as to where it will lead. A good first question is, "How do I feel about wearing my wedding ring?" When that has been fully explored you will probably have other deeper questions that need to be explored.
That sure is the question. I really don't know at this point, but I do need to ask the question. Two or three weeks ago, I was actually looking forward to this separation. I was thinking that it would be good to get back to us dating each other. We talked about this and she joked several times that I could come over after the kids are in bed for some late night rendezvous. It all sounded good.
But then she suggested that I take this time to see other people to make sure about my feelings. I'm not sure what to make of this, but I do realize where it would lead. It would lead to me not wanting to work on the M. It would lead to those early relationship feelings that are so powerful. It would lead to me saying screw this crap - what is it again that I'm fighting for?
She has also hinted about her seeing other people. I'm not sure if this was brought up more than once, but the Friday before she moved out, we were out having a drink and she joked that it would be weird if we were both at the bar with our respective dates.
Also that night, she was flirty with at least one guy at another bar we were at. In the past I would not have been overly bothered by this, but now...
The dialoguing is a good suggestion. When I look back at the Retro weekend and the follow-ups, something there made a difference. I don't know if it was just the dialoguing. It seems like such a simple thing. I think there was more at work than just that. Weird thing is that when we dialoged, we were usually very in sync with each others thoughts. We would frequently have the same examples and comparisons. When we slipped on the dialogs, other things slipped. Which came first, the slipping on the dialogs, or the slipping of the desire to make the committment to the dialogs. Don't know, but I think the dialoging could help us get on the same page again. Definitely worth the try.
Thanks Sara.
I know what you mean about feeling like the dialoguing is unnecessary when you are doing it and it is working. But then when you don't do it, then things just aren't as good. Right now you are on the road to misunderstandings. You have a lot of unanswered questions. She probably does too. There is no reason you can't dialogue even if you are physically separated. It only takes about 1/2 and hour a day. Surely, you can find a way to spend that much time together, if not daily, then 4 or 5 times a week. The important thing is to choose questions that you really want to know the answers to. If you are dialoguing about the weather, you won't get any closer.
guys im going to go out on a limb and ask what is ment by dialoguing? is it a special typ of conversation? I'm not trying to sound dumb but i wou8ld love some guildlines in my own conversations with my W.
Marcum,
Dialoguing is a written conversation technique that is taught at Retrouvaille weekends (www.helpourmarriage.org). Each spouse has a notebook. You decide on a question together. It is usually phrased, "How do I feel about ________?" Both spouses take 10 or 15 minutes to answer the question in their notebook. You are taught at the weekend what kinds of things to say, that is, to talk only about yourself, talk about feelings, not thoughts or beliefs, and lots of other ground rules of writing. Then you exchange notebooks and read what the other has written. You read it twice -- once with your head and once with your heart. And then each spouse takes turns asking the other questions about their feelings. Again, you are taught how to ask questions to elicit feelings, not thoughts.
Dialoguing is a tool that brings couples closer together because they get to understand how the other feels about things without arguing. If you understand how the other feels, and if you care about that person, then you will do things to add to their good feelings and not hurt them.
Retrouvaille is a wonderful program of self-help taught by other couples who have been there, been through the misery of an unhappy marriage, but have healed their marriages. They show you how they did it. Then it is up to you and your spouse to follow the path they show you. Dialoguing is something they suggest you do daily. HFF and his wife has been to Retrouvaille, so they know how to do this, but they have slacked off.
I don't know your circumstances Marcum. It is for couples that are both willing to go to the weekend with an open mind and a willing heart. (Uusally, one partner is much more willing than the other). If you and your wife want to improve your communication, then this program is for you. I can tell you it saved my marriage and changed us as people. We are both less self-centered and just nicer to each other than were before. All married people should learn what they teach at Retrouvaille weekends.
All of these posts sound all too familiar. My sitch is much like CW68's. In that we are "separated" living in the same house, have dinner & kid time together, and looking for alt. housing for us to share. Same whomever is w/kids stays at the house. W still unhappy w/this as she wants to feel like she has her own space. Likes being a Mom, but we have been so disconnected for so long that she sees me as a stranger. I have been withdawn and not so open w/my communications w/her for a long time, but am activly working on that. (depression issues w/me too.working on that too) I am more than willing to take resp. for my parts in this, but she does not do that for her part.
I like the notion of the marriage sabbatical, but she is already starting to date a new guy...which I technically don't know about ;-) (I'm not an idiot & snooped a bit) I am pretty sure she rather get a D but since we have kids, I think she is going thru the motions of a separation for now.
not to hijack this thread but how do you ask about a weekend like this without pressure?
There are different approaches. I did it right after the worst fight we ever had, when we both knew we were unable to help ourselves, and I just quietly said, "There's a marital retreat I've heard about that's supposed to help people like us. I think we should go." And he agreed, so I booked it. Others have had a lot more trouble getting agreement. Pointing out that the children deserve for their parents to really make an effort to keep the family together is a good reason. Some people make it part of a bargain -- you do this thing that I want, and I'll do something else that you want. Sometimes asking the partner to do it for you, so you can have closure, or so you can feel that you two have tried everything, works. And since the workshop focuses on communication, not marriage counseling, many people just suggest going to improve communication, whether you continue on the path to divorce or not.
Retrouvaille usually discourages couples with one spouse in an active affair from coming. This is not a hard and fast rule. But their space is limited, and they know that couples with no outside partners have a better chance of reconciling. The only thing they ask of both partners is that you come "with an open mind and a willing heart."
Marcum,
Sara makes some great points. It really depends on where you are with the relationship and how you interact. In my case, W was still involved with OG when I made the request. We had both been to lawyers and W wanted to go to a mediator to do the D. I was hesitant on the mediator, but I told her that I would agree to that if she would go to the weekend. We also talked about the using the weekend to improve communication regardless of whether we stayed together and also I wanted to be able to say that we had tried everything before giving up.
The timing worked out such that the A ended about three weeks prior to the weekend. We went into the program very skeptical about the outcome, but it really made a huge difference and we made a lot of progress. It obviously did not solve all of our issues, but I do believe it was well worth the time involved.
So this was my first full week of W being out of the house, and it was....
Really good! Certainly missed the kids, but I kept quite busy. Fortunately, my sister and her husband just opened their restaurant, so I have a place to go. I was out everynight with friends, had a great time and met some new people. I'm probably going to sound like an alcoholic here, but I already know the bartenders at the restaurant by name. It's just that I've been sitting and eating at the bar when I've been there, not drowning my sorrows with alcohol. It's easier to talk to people at the bar and has been fun.
Yesterday, I did something new. I went kayaking with friends of mine on the Deleware. It was a beautiful day and lots of fun.
Kids were back with me last night. It was nice to be able to tuck them into bed again.
Sorry, this is long -
It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted, so I thought I would update. Things are going well. Not so much with the relationship, but with me. Been keeping busy both on my weeks with the kids and my weeks off. The weeks with the kids are generally hectic. Need to get them from school, then off to one activity or another. Back home for dinner, then homework and bed.
Just a little set up before I journal on the events this weekend...
W moved out on 4/19. In the weeks leading up her moving out, our discussions relating to the separation and how it related to our relationship were very positive. We talked about it being time to reflect more on ourselves, but would also give us a chance to date each other and get to know each other again. We talked about having movie nights together and she suggested several times that I might need to get a babysitter once in awhile and sneak over to her apartment for an occasional rendezvous. Sure sounded very positive to me going into it. Kicker is that she also suggested that I should go out and date other people so that I could be sure about my feelings for her. That I would find out if I really want her back.
The reality is that she has become more and more distant in the past couple of weeks. There were kisses and hugs when she first moved out, but that stopped pretty quickly. She never calls me for any reason other than to discuss issues about the kids or money, and when she talks to the kids on the phone, she rarely asks to talk to me afterwards.
So this weekend...
I know I'll get bunches of criticism here, but I took my W's suggestion and set up a 'date' this past Saturday to go to a wine festival with a woman I had met last year when we were on the verge of divorce. I invited her to the festival as well as another guy friend of mine. The day was very nice. Weather was great and we had fun hanging out and drinking wine. We started talking to another couple there and spent the rest of the day with them. We ended the night by going to my sister's restaurant for dinner. Good day all around and I really enjoyed myself.
Normally on Sunday evenings, we do a family dinner with the in-laws and we had discussed that this would be a good location for us to switch the kids. The past couple of weeks, I didn't go for one reason or another. She called me early in the day to find out if I planned on going there to get the kids or if she should drop them off with me on her way home. I called and told her that I would be there to get the kids. This was the first Sunday since her moving out that I would be eating there and I was filled with apprehension on my drive there. I was thinking that the evening would be very awkward and uncomfortable. When I got there, I was relieved that I was warmly welcomed as I always am. W and I spoke quite a bit before dinner and everything seemed great.
After dinner, W and I were left alone at the table and she asked me how the wine festival was. I hadn't told her that I had gone (she hadn't asked either), so I was a bit surprised that she knew. She explained that she had seen a flier at the house when I was out. She asked who I went with and I told her the events of the day. I also mentioned where we had gone to dinner. She commented that she still hadn't been to the restaurant and then mentioned that she probably wouldn't be welcome there. I replied that under the circumstances that my sister probably wouldn't receive her very well at which W got visibly upset and left the table. She went outside to put the kid's bags into my car. I followed her outside and we talked some. She was mad about this 'double standard'. That it is perfectly acceptable for me to bring a girlfriend to my sister's restaurant, but W can't go there. That her family accepts me, but my family does not accept her. She said I can come to family dinner and look like the 'hero'. Her family still loves me and it is not fair to her. Her brother talks to me like a friend, but criticizes her for her actions. She is trying to do the right thing, but she can't win. She still looks like the bad guy even though she is trying to do things the right way.
She even mentioned that my family has never really accepted and loved her. I was thinking about this on the way into work and think she's way off base here. My family always loved and accepted her. I think there is a bit of revisionist history going on. W is the god-mother of my niece for crying out loud. Is that not acceptance of her? We are identified in wills as guardians of several of my nieces / nephews. Does this not show love and trust?? I do have more of a connection with her family primarily because there has been more contact there. Two of my sisters live out of state, so we don't see them very often. Unfortunately, under the recent circumstances, my W has fallen from the good graces. Is this not to be expected? Is there some reason given the circumstances that I should not have contact with her family?
We kept talking and I mentioned that since she moved out, she has gotten more and more distant. That what had originally sounded like a positive arrangement was no longer a time to work on us. I told her that I was okay living alone. That I was having fun on my weeks off that that I was doing okay by myself with the kids. She also told me that she was okay living alone and enjoying it. I said that was good. That we should be able to be happy on our own as individuals. She countered that point and said something about one day wanting be that 80 year old couple that after one of them passes, the other passes shortly after because they can't live without their spouse. I told her that I thought it was unhealthy to be so connected to you spouse that you can't live without them and brought up codependency. She seemed to scoff at this. She seems to be back at needing the fairy tale, over the top romantic definition of love. She seems to think that since we are okay living apart, that this validates her belief that we don't belong together. When she first moved out, many people asked if she was getting back together with the OG. I adamantly denied this and truly believed that she wouldn't do that again, but this belief is quickly wavering. I have seen nothing concrete to prove this, but her actions towards me are reminiscent of what they were in the middle of the A. Her interactions and dialog with me are limited. Her patience with me is limited. She has no desire to do things with or be with me.
How long does one cling to hope?
This is so painful to watch HFF. Things were going so well for you and then another bomb. I don't understand your wife's belief that socially unacceptable behavior should be equally accepted with socially acceptable behavior. It is not that she is an in-law that you think your sister would not be happy to see her with a date, but because she is the instigator of your separation and the disintegration of your marriage. But it is still what you think. You could be wrong. Other people will greet her as they choose to. I wouldn't speculate on what others will do or say. Life is not scripted by either you or her.
Yes, she seems to cling to unrealistic fantasies. Why on earth would you be inseparable in your 80's when you are so easily separable now. Chances aren't good. Maybe she thinks you believe fantasies, and if she keeps feeding them to you, you won't even notice reality. She reminds of GH31's wife. You hold still and wait for me, I'll be back when I'm 79.
I am sorry to hear things aren't more positive for the relationship! I don't think we ever stop clinging to hope, but rather we change what we hope for! I am sorry, I remembering posting to you before she left and she was on the forum. Romantic, fairy tale love is not true love, it is excitement. Love is not true love, it is caring and concern. True love is appreciating differences, mistakes, good times and bad times. True love is for the receiver not the giver.
Unfortunately, too many of us don't remember or did not ever know what love is. True love is a decision, not a feeling! Sadly many do not fully understand the difference. Move forward, and trust that it will work out for the best for everyone!
This is so painful to watch HFF. Things were going so well for you and then another bomb. I don't understand your wife's belief that socially unacceptable behavior should be equally accepted with socially acceptable behavior. It is not that she is an in-law that you think your sister would not be happy to see her with a date, but because she is the instigator of your separation and the disintegration of your marriage. But it is still what you think. You could be wrong. Other people will greet her as they choose to. I wouldn't speculate on what others will do or say. Life is not scripted by either you or her.
Perhaps unfortunately, I've told my sister quite of bit of the situation. My S at this point is fed up with situation and doesn't want to see me hurt anymore. I think that I have told her too much at this point, which unfortunately makes it difficult for her to accept W back we were work things out. Live an learn.
Yes, she seems to cling to unrealistic fantasies. Why on earth would you be inseparable in your 80's when you are so easily separable now. Chances aren't good.
That's her point. It sounds like she wants the type of relationship where her heart would be empty if her love were to disappear. Because she and I are both getting along okay, this in itself seems to be justification for no staying together. She has told me over and over that it isn't the fairy tale love that she is looking for, but her actions don't match.
Maybe she thinks you believe fantasies, and if she keeps feeding them to you, you won't even notice reality. She reminds of GH31's wife. You hold still and wait for me, I'll be back when I'm 79.
I heard something similar from her a while back. A year of separation is a blip in time compared to our overall relationship. If we are meant to be, we will find ourselves back together again.
Sorry, but I don't believe in putting all of my eggs in a basket of chance. I like to believe that I control my own destiny. Yes there is a bit of luck and chance involved, but why sit back and wait for something to happen? I've seen much better results when I take an active approach.
Yes the unfortunate side effect of the support group is they don't want to see us hurt anymore! Which usually means they want us to move on, or they are mean to the person because they feel like they are defending us! Good intentions, bad results!
Perhaps as time passes she will learn from her decisions, I doubt she has yet to feel the effects though. Since she seems to be rapped in a fairy tale of some sort.
my response also got very long......
i've been away for awhile, not sure why i checked back to see what was going on, i guess it is because of the even tthat took place this weekend.
i have been distant, i wanted distance to truly feel what it would be like without you. It's been an adjustment to not have someone there with me to talk to, or bounce ideas off of, to help with the dishes, to chat with on the couch at night. It's been hard to answer the kids questions of when will you come home, or when will you and decide if you can work things out.
I miss the house and all the decorating we've done, i miss the little luxuries we have there. i miss the seemingly perfect family situation. but for me that perfect family situation always seemed tainted somehow. tainted by me - absolutely - but tainted none-the-less. tainted becasue there was this uneasiness inside of me, this missing something.
When i think of going back i try to imagine if i would be happy and run into your arms, would i go cautiously afraid of the same feelings coming back and then i would break hearts again when the same feelings surface. I am afraid of not finding that connection that i'm looking for, but i also think that if i don't look i will never find it.
yes i was offended when you told me that i am not welcome at the new restaurant. and that you took Kate there. i feel guilty for what i've done to you, and the hurt that i have caused others. I am sensitive that way. I hate when people dislike me - yes, its my low self esteem. something i'm trying to work hard on but can't seem to do it. So while i deserve their resentment it hurts a lot.
i think i haven't felt accepted by your family because your family is just different in the way they express their emotions and because they are so far away. We just dont' spend as much time with them due to miles between us or busy schedules. So i have never really felt close to them. Your mom has been wonderful to me through it all and i appreciate that.
As for my fairy tale of a loving relationship - you have said exactly the same things to me in the past. You want to be that old couple sitting on a bench or the porch swing, holding hands reminiscing about their long life together. maybe you didn't specifically say that you would die right after me because we can't live without each other, but you want that same fairy tale. Don't make me the bad guy for wanting the same thing just because i don't know that it is with you that i will find it.
i know that the feelings of first loving some one are fleeting, true love is deep and comes with time. i understand that. and if that had happened for me, was happenin gfor me, then i wouldn't have left. I wouldn't have cheated twice. i don't just throw in the towel when things get rough. I've worked through a lot in my life and I need to work on figuring out me and what it is that i want - while looking out for the kids as best i can as well. hence the parenting binder - so we are both on the same page and we don't miss their stuff.
I know i don't always remember to tell you things, if it's in that book we are both responsible to read it and know. i didn't and will not move out of town - because of the kids and their stability. i do make my decisions with them in mind.
i know you feel like i misled you with regard to my reasoning for moving out. i hate to admit that i did but not with the intention of hurting you. i was trying to figure out a way to make it an easier transition and not so final. i now tbelieve i know how i want this to all turn out, but i am afraid of just doing it. i am afraid that no reason will be "ok" with you. i know there will never be an ok reason for D in your eyes. You had said you could accept it if it was truly something i wanted, but couldn't accept it at the time because of the OG. I don't know if you really could accept or if i should expect you to.
we need to talk about this in person. I know i've avoided talking to you, but this is exactly why.
Ughhh
I am afraid of not finding that connection that i'm looking for, but i also think that if i don't look i will never find it.
.......
As for my fairy tale of a loving relationship - you have said exactly the same things to me in the past. You want to be that old couple sitting on a bench or the porch swing, holding hands reminiscing about their long life together. maybe you didn't specifically say that you would die right after me because we can't live without each other, but you want that same fairy tale. Don't make me the bad guy for wanting the same thing just because i don't know that it is with you that i will find it.
i know that the feelings of first loving some one are fleeting, true love is deep and comes with time. i understand that. and if that had happened for me, was happenin gfor me, then i wouldn't have left. I wouldn't have cheated twice. i don't just throw in the towel when things get rough. I've worked through a lot in my life and I need to work on figuring out me and what it is that i want
This is where we always seem to disagree. I don't believe that this connection is something you 'find'. It is something you create and nurture. Of course you're not going to create it when there is no initial attraction, there needs to be that initial spark. Something to build off of.
We had that. We had / have the foundation, but I digress. We've discussed this before and we just don't seem to see it the same way. Maybe it is me that is living in the fairy tale when I keep trying to hold onto something so broken.
i know you feel like i misled you with regard to my reasoning for moving out. i hate to admit that i did but not with the intention of hurting you. i was trying to figure out a way to make it an easier transition and not so final.
Unfortunately, there's been a series of hurts. Never with intention. I've been realizing over the past couple of weeks, that you had no intention of working on us and feel as though I've have been too trusting.
Oh, HFF. I always read your thread but don't often post. I just wanted to say that I really feel for you and am so sorry to see this turn of events in your sitch.
((((hugs))))
L.
I've known people who find it exciting to have sex in public. I've never before known anyone who enjoyed telling her husband she is leaving him in public. This is a first for me, maybe not the website.
HFF,
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. It's obvious that your family means the world to you. You will never regret fighting for your children's future...
i now tbelieve i know how i want this to all turn out, but i am afraid of just doing it. i am afraid that no reason will be "ok" with you. i know there will never be an ok reason for D in your eyes. You had said you could accept it if it was truly something i wanted, but couldn't accept it at the time because of the OG. I don't know if you really could accept or if i should expect you to.
I do believe there are reasons for divorce. If we argued, screamed and yelled constantly. If we really didn't get along at all. If one of us were physically or emotionally abusive to each other or the kids. Dependancy on drugs or alcohol. These things I could understand as reasons for divorce. I look at so many other married couples and see much less positives. Not that I want to settle for something substandard, but I see much more good than bad.
If it were something concrete I point out and say "That is the terrible thing about our marriage that can't be fixed" I would feel better. But it is some feeling or an ideal. A suspicion that there is something better out there...
So as this relates to the OG - I am still bitter. And suspicious. And believe that whatever happened there still weighs heavily on your mind and in your heart. I still don't think the break from him and time spent on us was long enough. I still don't think that there was enough distance. I don't think we gave it enough time. I don't think you really let go. I read much more that I really should have seen. Too much crap that is burned into my brain that i will not forget. If these memories still haunt me, I can only imagine that you still feel the emotions.
A friend loaned me a book that I haven't read yet - the title is A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman by Joan Anderson. As a writer, she was able to retreat to Cape Cod and the experience was a time of growth for them as people and healing for their M. A lot of us with 9-5 jobs can't go live on an island for a long time, but if there was a way to take "time out" without guilt or pressure I think it would help a lot of Ms.
seekpeaceofmind,
That may be okay in the "ideal and innocent" situation. One could probably grow and learn a lot. However, I think the vast majority of those people want to date and screw around. To me, that is totally unacceptable.
Take Care,
NMD
Yes, she seems to cling to unrealistic fantasies. Why on earth would you be inseparable in your 80's when you are so easily separable now. Chances aren't good. Maybe she thinks you believe fantasies, and if she keeps feeding them to you, you won't even notice reality. She reminds of GH31's wife. You hold still and wait for me, I'll be back when I'm 79.
Sara,
I cannot believe anyone thinks this way. Do these women realize the stats? By the time they are in their "Golden Years" there are a lot more women than men. Why would ANYONE who can easily pick and choose select a woman who left him? If I were in that sitch, I would be looking for a good woman. I would certainly hope there are better women than my exW. If not, celibacy seems like a very attractive option.
Take Care,
NMD
NMD,
I was being facetious. Of course no one would wait til old age and then get back with the XW. That was my point. The old people, I assume, have been together for most of their lives. And like a gnarly old oak, there is beauty from the weathering of the trials that they have been through together. But the truth is few young married people today will ever be the old couple sitting together on the bench. They will have run off and be sitting with new partners. Of course, when they are old, and if they sit next to each other, will we know the newly marrieds from the old marrieds?
NMD,
I was being facetious. Of course no one would wait til old age and then get back with the XW. That was my point. The old people, I assume, have been together for most of their lives. And like a gnarly old oak, there is beauty from the weathering of the trials that they have been through together. But the truth is few young married people today will ever be the old couple sitting together on the bench. They will have run off and be sitting with new partners. Of course, when they are old, and if they sit next to each other, will we know the newly marrieds from the old marrieds?
Sara,
I hope you did not think my comments were directed at you. They were not. I have read here several exWs have said that. To me, it is insanity.
I have no idea how one can tell the newly marrieds from the old marrieds. The only thing I know is as long as Wifey and I are alive, we will be heading toward that old couple-hood on the bench. At 80, we will be married for 40 years..... Not too bad....
Take Care,
NMD
Well Hftf,
Let me just MO2C and my wife should write a book. They should title it "Why I am not the bad guy".
I believe we all must do what we must do, I think it is clear to me that she needs not wants, needs to be on her own. She needs to find her herself, her love, her passion, and her mission.
I pity your wife, it is very unfortunate. I am sorry for you and your children. I think the best thing in the world for all would be if she wanted to come home! In truth the MOM would benefit the most if this were the case, but alas for now it is not to be!
I am not surprised given the nature of the sitch that she deceived you, she has not forgiven herself, does not want you to forgive her. She reinforced this by this false pretense! I don't know what else to say except maybe this is why Michelle said to not share!
I have seen this twice, on the board once last year, can't remember the couples names, but kind of the same thing. We watched the posted debate, between I want to say dancing something she was the WAW. Anyway, logic does not apply here, the WAW only works on feelings, not logic! Funny thing is your feelings come from your thoughts.
If you change your perspective and thoughts (which one can do). You will change your feelings, Hang in there brother! Life has a funny way of balancing out in the end!
I've known people who find it exciting to have sex in public. I've never before known anyone who enjoyed telling her husband she is leaving him in public. This is a first for me, maybe not the website.
Hey Sara,
Just wanted to let you know that I still have my sense of humor. This post had me laughing out loud.
After dropping this bomb online, she couldn't even come over last night to talk in person. I guess she had something more important to do...
HFF,
I am really sorry for you and the two children. Perhaps this is all about OM, and when she feels you are finally removed enough from her life she will make him visible again. At least it would explain things.
However, from what she has said, I don't get the sense that she is running off to find her great happiness as Dancer15 portrayed her new perfect lover. She had been married, and fell in love with current husband. Then married him, saw his feet of clay, and was on to the next one. That seemed different to me. She certainly held herself in high esteem thinking she always deserved 2 men, and the husband always had to meet all her "needs" or it was the ax, like Henry the XIII. She didn't pussyfoot around worrying about what everybody else thought. She was clear -- "he doesn't meet my need for constant adulation, I am moving on."
But I don't hear that here. Your wife's emptiness seems to be within herself. She might be able to mask it at times with new love and sex. But as the high fades into the realities of everyday life, this empty feeling will keep returning. She reminds me of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, who is dissatisfied by the mundaneness of her little life, and goes off to see the Wizard, only to find that her true wish is to go home again. I think if your wife wants to find that strong connection with another human being, she needs to come home and work on finding that connection with you. Michele has a couples workshop in Colorado that SallyM was saying one couple raved about. You had a temporary connection through Retrouvaille. I think you need to work deeper. I think you need more than a weekend of focus. And if you do try another workshop, I hope you will continue whatever exercises they teach. I do believe that dropping dialoguing did not help you. The letters you two are writing each other do not fit the form.
But I don't hear that here. Your wife's emptiness seems to be within herself. She might be able to mask it at times with new love and sex. But as the high fades into the realities of everyday life, this empty feeling will keep returning. She reminds me of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, who is dissatisfied by the mundaneness of her little life, and goes off to see the Wizard, only to find that her true wish is to go home again.
I like the Dorothy comparison. Seems pretty close. I got an email from Mo2C this morning and there was a section in there that was close to what you just described. On one had, she thinks there is something "right" or "better" out there that she may miss out on. On the other hand she is afraid to let go. She is afraid to lose everything that we have. Will she someday be clicking her heels together saying "there's no place like home", only to find out it is too late?
You had a temporary connection through Retrouvaille. I think you need to work deeper. I think you need more than a weekend of focus. And if you do try another workshop, I hope you will continue whatever exercises they teach. I do believe that dropping dialoguing did not help you. The letters you two are writing each other do not fit the form.
Yes, yes, yes and yes.
Maybe I should start using the dialoguing form on here.
It would be a useful exercise for everyone if you both used the dialogue form on here. There are a lot of people who are curious about it. Of course, dialoguing also requires the face to face contact after reading to discuss and question. I think the mental discipline of the dialogue format would be very helpful to both of you. Can't you get together and do that at least 2x a week? I thought you were supposed to be working on your marriage.
On one had, she thinks there is something "right" or "better" out there that she may miss out on. On the other hand she is afraid to let go. She is afraid to lose everything that we have. Will she someday be clicking her heels together saying "there's no place like home", only to find out it is too late?
HFF,
There is ALWAYS something "better" out there. No sense in even pondering it. It is simply the truth. However, the HUGE problem is you need to keep jumping from person to person from R to R to keep "finding" something "better." There is never any commitment. All of these Rs/Ms are temporary.
I see it as you love this person and want to be with them or not. It is not some auction where you wait for the highest bidder.
Were there better women out there than my exW? YES! Were there prettier women out there? Heck, YES! Were there woman with more $$$$$$$$$$$$$$? Yes. Did any of this matter to ME? Heck, no.... I was foolish enough to love her with every cell of my body..... I just wanted to be with her...
Does that mean when you think you find someone "better" you can leave your R/M? Is she willing to be up front and honest and tell others this so they can keep an eye out for something "better" than her?
If one wants to keep jumping from R to R or M to M, there is always something "better." The choice one really has to make is are you going to stick to your commitments or not?
NMD
Makes sense to me. We've had this discussion before. I'd be very naive to think that Mo2C is the only 'right' woman out there for me and the reverse is also true. I'm not the most handsome, talented, rich, etc, etc.
She'll say it is not that though. She is not looking for something better. She is missing that 'connection' with me. There is 'something' missing in her feelings for me. To which I counter that the 'something' can be worked on. It can be found again. Honestly, we've been together for 13 yrs and I think it has been pretty good overall. I don't see how we could have gotten this far if there is and never was some connection.
We go round in circles on this. Is it really something that can be fostered and nurtured or does it just need to be there?
That's a rhetorical question.
So she is going to be coming over in a little while to talk. Don't know quite what to expect.
It's over - we're done.
I'm comfortable with how things are and want to keep it that way.
I'm comfortable with how things are, but would like to start working on us again
I hate the current situation and want to come back
?? Which way do you think it will go?
Mo2C came by last night around 8. Got the kids ready for be and then the 'talk'.
If you've been reading the posts, you've seen her earlier post which sounded like she had made up her mind and wanted to just get if over with. What you didn't see was an email from her the next day to me that was a complete 180 from that. She has been lonely by herself and missing many of the things that we shared.
So I was quite unsure what the direction would be going into the talk. Unfortunately the end result was somewhere between #1 and #2. Yes, she's confused. Yes, she's missing things. Not so much the material things but the comforts? She still doesn't know if it is me that she is missing or something else. Of course it's only been a month, so...
On the other hand, she is enjoying her independance and doesn't want to come back; so things won't be changing anytime soon. We more clearly defined what the expectations are...
- No dates with each other. This includes my reunion that's coming up in June which she was going to go to.
- We can date others.
- I need to limit my interactions with her family since she needs them to support her.
Personally, I don't see it working unless we are actively trying to fix things. But that's just me. Maybe the 'if you love someone, set them free' can work. After all, isn't this approach at the core of what Michelle preaches?
Yes it is the core of the approach as I understand it! When a person is confused they usually steer clear of the tough road! That person can't handle it, sounds like she wants to date others to see if she has a "the connection" she is missing.
Doesn't matter what others think, what matters is what she thinks, I would say her missing "connection" is she has forgotten how to be happy with herself and not have every day be a fairy tale happiness.
I am sure you will keep yourself open for as long as you can, I have a lot of pity and sympthay for folks that loose their way. It happened to me so I understand how it can and what it feels like. Sad thing is one just doesn't know what it feels like and the conflict that is constantly going on in the brain during this period. Sad really! Then the guilt for being so selfish, oh I won't ever go that way again! It is horrible!!!!
I have to say IMO being the LBS is less painful than being the one that faces what they threw away!!!! Trust me both are not fun, but the regret will eat you alive!!
I have to say IMO being the LBS is less painful than being the one that faces what they threw away!!!! Trust me both are not fun, but the regret will eat you alive!!
I'm thinking you are correct on this point.
Hi, thanks for the update. My turn to chime in. I am dealing with a similar situation. It seems like you are doing well at communicating with your W. Sure, what you are getting from her is a bummer, to put it very lightly, but the open communication is key. I only read your most recent thread so forgive me for not knowing it all. I think her confusion is great. You are half way there. If we are to believe in DBing, (it has not yet yielded complete results for me) then yes, set her free. No pressure. You are good with this time apart, even if you are not. One other source that I have found says, love her back to you.
I would like to address your bullet points:
No dates. That must seem like the wrong move but give her time. I am in the same boat, however, when a family reunion came along she changed her mind that day and came along. When xmas came along, she changed her mind that day as well. So, try not to throw your hands in the air and try to predict where she will be in June. Just be cool, or at least look like it.
Dating others. Oh boy. Your DB friends won't like that. Other save-your-marriage approaches suggest dating others second only to acting happy. One web book guarantees you will get her back if you date someone else. I am choosing the DB method for now. Sure, I haven't "been" with a woman for six months and am freaking out, but, I want her to come back because I am the right choice, not because she felt threatened. Now you already have had some action and she didn't like it but she didn't come back either. I'm waiting. I'll let other DBers back me up on this. I think they will. Her saying she wants to date is awful, but I would go with the concept that she is not going to do better than you and one day she will realize that. That is awful, but you might have to wait. Work on yourself, for yourself and she might wake up. I'm not sure I was helpful on this one. Remember, I am in your boat, so my ideas are not proven.
Limit interactions with her family. Yea, my W's family adores me, but they are hers. I'm hoping they will put in a good word for me whenever they can. Maybe let them know you are backing off of them for her sake and they will work for you. Teaming up with them is bad. Let them go for now. They will always be there for you whatever happens.
These are just my observations. You seem like Mr Right to me. Try your best to hold on, chin up. Be with the kids when you can.
I forgot that your W is in on all of this. If you would like me to edit any of that let me know. Strange that she is here.
Hi, W of hopeforthefuture. I hope that you can find yourself sooner than later. Create a better M and stop the damage to your family. I probably shouldn't have said that, but it is much easier to be mad at you than my own W. That is probably what I would say to my own W if I didn't feel like it would be destructive. Oops, I don't want to be destructive to you guys either.
And if my W is reading this, hi sweets.
These are just my observations. You seem like Mr Right to me. Try your best to hold on, chin up. Be with the kids when you can.
The observations seem pretty reasonable to me. I was thinking along the same lines.
We switch the kids each week, so I do get to seem them and we stay quite active. Karate, baseball, scouts, homework. Doesn't seem to be much time for anything else during the week.
This weekend should be good with the kids. Planning on going to see a movie (Prince Caspian) on Saturday and I'm going to try to get together with a former colleague that has some horses. My daughter will love that.
Oh, and thanks for the compliment.
Hey HFF & Mom of 2 Cherubs
Just wanted both of you to know I am thinking about ya both. My Retro is in 40 days. I feel like I have a little of both of ya in me. I understand what Hff is saying about looking / working in each other to find what is missing. But I also understand Mom of 2 Cherubs not being able to put your finger on it. This is where I feel I am at.
I thought I was happy a year ago. Then the affair happened and turned my world upside down. Like HFF I felt like why couldn't W look for what is missing with me? Why if she wanted to meet someone in a hotel and play dress up to liven up her sex life why didn't she look to me for that?
But as time has gone by I went from hurt and despair to. There has to be something better than this. I can not work alone in this. I know I have tried. I am tired of trying. At first I wanted to go to metro to see is it would help my Wife. But now I need to for ME. I am to the point that I think I want out.
Anyway I hope you find what you were looking for is back where you started on this crazy trip Mom of 2 Cherubs. we started e-mailing each other but you stopped. Hope ya still have my e-mail. I have yours but I figured if you have not replied no don’t want to talk anymore..
Just like me. I too am looking. Hopefully Retro will help me see where I need to be...
Take care both of you...
Husband
Hey Husband,
Thanks for the post. Good to hear from you and I'm happy that you will be going to Retro.
I'm not sure if Mo2C will get the message. I don't think she's really looking at the boards anymore. I think she has made up her mind which direction she wants to go and this doesn't provide any support for that decision.
Should be a good week. I have tickets for me and the kids to a minor league baseball game for tomorrow night. Hoping the weather stays nice and we don't get rain.
Have a great week everyone!!
Hi HFF,
Sorry to hear Mom is continuing to move away from her own family. It is a curse, not a blessing, when people get what they wish for. I think in this case she will end up very sorry for her choice later. But it may be too late for her to fix all the damage she has caused.
It is a path that she needs to pursue because she will always wonder "what if".
I do wonder though if someday she will find herself very alone and wondering "what if I walked away from all the best things in my life?"
Life is a gamble isn't it? No, wait, I don't really believe that. I truly believe that life is what you make of it. I know the grass isn't greener. I know that if you have problems in a marriage, you will probably carry those same problems along with you to the next relationship.
Maybe she'll get lucky and find herself with the true love that she is looking for. Or maybe she'll realize that she had that true love fourteen years ago and just didn't hang onto it.
Yes, that is the real what if. What if I hadn't veered off the path and gotten lost in the woods. What if....I had been there to raise my kids together with my husband.....what if I had a love that stuck with me through sickness and health and good times and bad, not just someone to party with.
So as this relates to the OG - I am still bitter. And suspicious. And believe that whatever happened there still weighs heavily on your mind and in your heart. I still don't think the break from him and time spent on us was long enough. I still don't think that there was enough distance. I don't think we gave it enough time. I don't think you really let go. I read much more that I really should have seen. Too much crap that is burned into my brain that i will not forget. If these memories still haunt me, I can only imagine that you still feel the emotions.
I've been thinking about the past couple of weeks and going through some of my recent posts. This one comment of mine has been bothering me a bit and I just wanted to clarify. I'm not sure if Mo2C is even reading the boards anymore, but I just wanted to get it out there.
The comments about the memories haunting me and not being able to forget...
I didn't want this to come across as that I would never forgive. I could, and for a couple of months there, I was. When it seemed like we were working on things, I didn't think about the hurt. I just focused on the good. I guess I just wanted to say that if part of Mo2C's reason for wanting to be separated is her fear of my never forgiving...
I could.
I just wanted to get that out there. I wouldn't want her fear about my feelings be a reason for being afraid to work on things, or being afraid of the outcome. I'm posting this here because I really don't see us having any R talks anytime soon. We've been speaking infrequently and only about the kids.
Now that I have that off my chest, I have been doing pretty well. Enjoying both my time alone and my time with the kids. We just went to a minor league baseball game last night. The kids and I had a great time. My son even caught (almost with his head) a foul ball. He was ecstatic. Since it was a minor league stadium in a rural area, it was very reasonable on my wallet. I was pleasantly surprised when I didn't have to empty the checking account to get us snacks.
Have a good week all.
Hey Hff,
I do think sometimes our Spouses worry about forgiving / trusting more than we do. I know My W does not think I could ever trust her again. But like you I could. As long as we are transparent. One thing I always told my kids was think of me as trusting NOT stupid.
Glad things are going 'ok" for ya. I am feeling a little lonely right now. It's hard when you have so much to say and nobody to say it to. I don't know what is worst. Your sitch in which the family knows what is going on and will need to build trust in your W again or mine that NOBODY knows what is going on and I have no one to talk to.
Well I did not log on to talk about me. I was thinking about writing Mo2C. Just a note to say hi and see how things are going. Don't know if she will respond. Well have a good day buddy. My time is coming.
H
Hey all,
It's been a few days since I've checked up on the threads and about two weeks since I've last posted. Problem is, I come on here and read the others situations and it just generally gets me down. So I just wanted to come on here and give a little update. Might be my last for awhile...
I've really been getting accustomed to living without the W and am really enjoying myself. I went to my 20 year HS reunion this past weekend and had a blast. When the invites first went out, I updated my personal info as being married, but obviously went as separated. I was speaking to one of my old friends the other night and she mentioned that I was the guy all the single or divorced ladies were asking about. Definitely a great night for the PMA. Really enjoyed reconnecting with everyone - even those that I didn't have that close of a relationship with.
So I think I'm going to stop posting here unless something drastically changes. Good luck to all of you. Just remember that whichever direction it goes, things will be good. Make yourself happy and enjoy life and family.
I came across this science article that I just needed to post here. This perfectly explains the demise of my marriage. LOL. The title of the article is "The Pill Makes Women Pick Bad Mates".
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/2008...poAqjls7gv737YBIt all makes perfect sense!! When we first met, W was on the pill. After our second child, she switched to an IUD type of birth control. That coincides (I believe) with when things started going south with the relationship.
Hmmmm. Interesting idea isn't it?