Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Well here I am.... - 08/15/07 01:48 PM
Divorced, alone, and unloved.....

That's kind of how I feel right now. I know it's not true. I know there are lots of people who love me....but the one person who should, doesn't "like he should" and "it's not fair" to me that he doesn't. So the plan is kaput. We are done. He said he worries that he's losing his best friend. He doesn't want to hurt me.

And still.....I am.

Sorry I don't have more of an update. I am just trying to keep my head above water and live. Day to day.

D started her first day of second grade. Wow. Last year we were all taking pics together. This year, just her. My little girl is growing up. She didn't even want me to wait with her in the gym. \:\( Guess I'm raising an independent girl. And I know that's a good thing.

One day no one will need me.

Oh - and we were supposed to go to a concert together in 2 weeks. I'm guessing that's off. I had texted him over the weekend and called a few times. Wasn't getting any replies back so I knew this was coming. God I knew. Even now I can feel the lump in my throat. I will not cry today. I had to leave work yesterday because I knew it was going to happen.

Anyhow - I know I'm just rambling. I'm sorry for that. I know things will be ok, but I can't help the broken feeling I have. The feeling that I am a fool, stupid - for having hope that this "plan" might work, that we might make it. I was looking at honeymoon trips. What an idiot I am. I even bought him hair gel and moved his bathroom things back to the bathroom. MORON. I am a fool. I am glad he finally told me how he felt. I just wish the plan had never been spoken of. I'm tired of feeling stupid.

Reminds me of an Avril Lavigne song...

Fall back
Take a look at me
And you'll see I'm for real
I feel what only I can feel
And if that don't appeal to you
Let me know
And I'll go
'Cuz I flow
Better when my colors show
And that's the way it has to be
Honestly
'Cuz creativity could never bloom
In my room
I'd throw it all away before I lie
So don't call me with a compromise
Hang up the phone
I've got a backbone stronger than yours
La la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la

[chorus]
If you're trying to turn me into someone else
Its easy to see I'm not down with that
I'm not nobody's fool
If you're trying to turn me into something else
I've seen enough and I'm over that
I'm not nobody's fool
If you wanna bring me down
Go ahead and try
Go ahead and try

You don't know
You think you know me like yourself
But I fear
That you're only telling me what I wanna hear
But do you give a damn
Understand
That I can't not be what I am
I'm not the milk and cheerios in your spoon
Its not a simple hearing but not so soon
I might've fallen for that when I was fourteen
In a little more dream
But its amazing what a couple can mean
La la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la

[chorus]

Go ahead and try
Try and look me in the eye
But you'll never see inside
Until you realize, realize
Things are trying to settle down
Just try to figure out
Exactly what I'm about
If its with or without you
I don't need you doubting me

[chorus]

La la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la

Would you be laughing out loud
If I played to my own crowd
Try
Posted By: PON_dering Re: Well here I am.... - 08/15/07 02:16 PM
You are not an idiot \:\( I'm so sorry; my heart is just breaking for you.

((((((((((((((((((((Chickie))))))))))))))))))))
Posted By: SallyM Re: Well here I am.... - 08/15/07 02:18 PM
(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry. I can feel your sadness thru your post, and I hurt for you. I understand. we aren't D yet, but we are apart, and even though I have so much love in my life, I don't have the love of my life anymore. it hurts. it sucks.

we're starting school around here soon, and I'm determined to come up with new traditions. well, they were bound to be new since my kids are really just starting out, but still, maybe something for you to do? also, any chance you can still go to the concert, maybe with a friend? H bought us tix to wicked (this sept) when they went on sale last fall. I took the tix (hey, they are my consolation prize, I dare him to ask where they are). yesterday I asked one of my best girlfriends to go with me...I'm not going to give that up just because things are different now.

there really isn't anything I can say that you don't know...try to focus on yourself, count your blessings, gal, all that stuff. sometimes we just need to allow ourselves to be sad for a bit before we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move on again. remember, you are stronger than you know. and you will always need you. and who knows what (or who) is around the corner...try not to get too far ahead of yourself.

take care. I'll be thinking of you today

Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/15/07 02:23 PM
Actually I bought the tickets and I am going, even if I have to go alone.

And how crazy am I? I hope against hope I'll see Myspace chick so I can punch her lights out and go to jail. THAT will be worth the price of admission folks
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Goals... - 08/15/07 02:25 PM
So I have decided I need a few goals.

The weekends I don't have D, I will be busy. Working, going out with friends....not sitting at home.

I am going to get back in shape and find my abs.

Organize the house.

Pack his stuff and get it out of the closet (again...)
Posted By: SallyM Re: Goals... - 08/15/07 02:37 PM
good goals, kschick!

weekends for me were so hard when I didn't have plans to get out. it was awful that my kids weren't here with me. I had a really hard time with that. but honestly, I'm actually enjoying a little me time now. its amazing, but its been 5 years since I had any. sometimes a little can go a long way, but I'm so busy the next few weeks that I doubt I'll even have a chance to dwell too much.

working out is a lifesaver for me. hope it makes you feel as good as it does me. I am still on the great ab-hunt, I swear the twins did me in, but I'm working on it.

good luck!!!
Posted By: SallyM Re: Well here I am.... - 08/15/07 02:40 PM
Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*
Actually I bought the tickets and I am going, even if I have to go alone.

And how crazy am I? I hope against hope I'll see Myspace chick so I can punch her lights out and go to jail. THAT will be worth the price of admission folks


lol.

its funny, I often wonder what I would do if I ran into ow, especially when I am in boston (where I am more likely to run into her). I have this little fantasy...I'll see her, whisper to my friend, and start laughing, obviously at her. my guess is that would bug her more than anything else I could do. or maybe it wouldn't, who knows. not a fighter, so punching wouldn't really work...not to mention that she's half a foot taller than me. I suppose I could jump on her back and pull out her extensions? oooh, adding that as fantasy, plan b. lol.

glad you are going to the concert. try to find a friend to tag along. you'll have a great time, either way!
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/15/07 02:41 PM
It's funny because I'm not angry at him. I understand that even now, he's torn. But I'm still trying to do the things we are supposed to do to separate our lives. The cable is still in his name, the insurance is still grouped together.....

This is just so hard.

And here I sit, with my rings spinning around my finger......wondering if I'll ever feel like taking them off.
Posted By: SallyM Re: Well here I am.... - 08/15/07 03:25 PM
funny about the rings...I haven't worn them in the last week or so. I just stopped putting them on in the morning. but when H came by to see the kids last week, I did put them on while he was here...didn't want him to read too much into that until I am completely ready to go there.

it feels weird not wearing them now, but I'm getting used to it. I think I'm just testing the waters...seeing how it feels.

he doesn't wear his anymore...that devastated me. I completely lost it on him about it many times. then I found db, and let that go. still hurts though.

good for you for not being angry at him. there is a great song that your statement reminded me of. Its one I think of from time to time, I'm just not completely there yet...but know I will be one day:

Mozella, "Light Years Away"

It's almost like you had it planned
It's like you smiled and shook my hand and said
"Hey, I'm about to screw you over, big time"
And what was I supposed to do?
I was stuck in between you and a hard place
We won't talk about the hard place

But I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

It's how you wanted it to be
It's like you played a joke on me
And I lost a friend
In the end
And I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was

Cause I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was

Cause I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

That life seems like light years away
Light years away
And that life seems like light years away
Light years away
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/15/07 03:49 PM
What's funny is I have this feeling. I can't describe it. It might be anger. Anger that he didn't actually try the plan he came up with. That he didn't give it a chance.

And yet - if he doesn't love me like he does.......and he's told me........I don't know what kind of feeling this is.
Posted By: SallyM Re: Well here I am.... - 08/15/07 04:06 PM
I have a lot of anger about that. I'm sorry, in my book, you don't just throw away marriage casually. especially one with children...and that's exactly what my h did. I don't mean to say I'm a walking anger-bot, but at the same time, I'll never understand it. and it makes me mad because our kids have to pay the price of his casualness.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/15/07 05:05 PM
yeah the 26th of July....
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/15/07 07:16 PM
Know what sucks?

Now I have to really change all these things. Cable's still in his name - need him to go with me to change it \:\( Water's in his name...same deal. Insurance is still joint. Gotta call them and change that.

And to top it off, because I hold a security clearance, I have to report ALL changes to marital status.....to an office gossip
Posted By: COG Re: Well here I am.... - 08/15/07 09:17 PM
KS,
Quote:
Cog - can you stop by my thread and update me on what happened with your sitch? Would you have reconciled if you had been divorced? Did you see any chance of hope? Thanks.
I can't really predict if we would have reconciled if we had D. My feeling is that if we had D, it would have been after five or six years of trying to work it out, with no progress. I don't think we would have D, if either one of us was'nt at least 98% sure about it.

I can recall at least two couples that I know personally that D and then they remarried. Both say the second go around was much better.

It sounds a lot like your H was'nt completely sure about D. I don't know the details about your sitch so it's hard for me to comment on it. But, W dropped the bomb on me in October of 2000. She loved me but was not IL with me. We separated about a year and a half later, and lived separated for FOUR years. There was a period of about four years where my W had no hope for our M. She'd barely hug me, and could'nt return a "I love you too". At one point she'd made up her mind to D, and "her heart was at peace with it".

It was a long process to live through, but we turned things around. It takes a long time for a heart to change, for a person to change. Six months, 12 months, 24 months, that's just a sneeze. Our transition was five years in the making. I'd do it all again if I had to, no regrets.

Here's what I know:
1) Miracles really do happen, and they happen to average people like us.
2) It takes the courage to wrestle a wild animal, the strength to persevere an ice storm, and the kind of faith that moves mountains.
3) Humility reigns, freedom carries, and persistence ultimately conquers.
4) Fear, anxiety, disbelief, negative attitude, neediness, selfishness, jealousy, resentment, expectations, will drag you down like lead pants.
5) The word CAN'T, should only apply to rules one follows, NOT as a killer of one's hopes, and dreams. That word should be stricken from any reference relating to your potential to change your life, your M, your anything.
6) Quit is not an option as long as my S was not abusive, or cheating.

I realize I was blessed with a woman that had morals, a concience, and truly cared about our kids. I honestly think that we'd not stayed together if it were not for the kids. Neither of us dated, or had affairs that I know of while we were separated. She was a WAW, but she hung in there a VERY long time when all she really wanted was to run.

You are D now, and that's what you are. So live in the moment. Be strong, be healthy, and love all the people the Lord brings into your life. Forgive your H, let go, and move on with your life. Get YOURSELF, YOUR life in order. There's nothing to say that two people can't remarry after the D. Nothing at all. So if that's what you want, if that's your goal, then get to work!

God Bless,

COG
Posted By: LL44 Re: Well here I am.... - 08/15/07 11:41 PM
I am so sorry. \:\(
Posted By: Nugget Re: Well here I am.... - 08/16/07 03:10 AM
I am sorry your M has reach the stage of where it is today. But, I am a believer that a D is not the end, unless you want it to be. As COG stated people do remarry after a D and generally are better off afterwards, then before the D. To me a divorce is nothing more then a piece a paper that states (in the eyes of society) that a husband and a wife lost their love for each other and they could not work out there difference and decided to go their separate ways. It does not say or state anywhere in the decree that they do not still have feeling for each other or that they can not work out their differences or that they can not remarry. It's just a piece of paper unless you want it to be more.

I wish you all the best and you have my deepest sympathy. I know how you feel.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/16/07 01:17 PM
Cog I want to thank you for your input. Our sitch is definitely a bit different than yours. The short Reader's Digest version - his friends came before me, I felt unloved by him, someone at work made me feel important and I stepped out of my marriage. One time. That's all it took to wreck our family. In less than one year. It's over.

He doesn't love me like he should now. His heart is numb towards me.

That doesn't give me a good feeling. To say now that we could remarry - I honestly don't know if I could trust him again. Trust him to try and not to run. He was trying somewhat because of this plan he created. He wanted to divorce, move back home 1 September and work on us for that next year - and if things were good with us, get remarried on our anniversary. I have a whole gamut of emotions - anger that he didn't really try, not even for a month. Sadness to know how he really feels about me.

I know now, that all I can do is work on me. I'm working on getting out of debt, getting into shape, and being the best mom I can be.

I do wish people would stop telling me I need to find someone else. I'm SO not ready for someone else and as of right now, doubt I'll ever be ready again...
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/16/07 02:09 PM
and of course some lyrics for the day....

Pink - Who Knew...

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew
Posted By: COG Re: Well here I am.... - 08/16/07 08:12 PM
KS Chick,

Okay I understand more. Here's some more advice, FWIW.

Check out http://www.divorcecare.com It's an awesome program, designed for people in just your state, separated, and newly divorced. Goes through the emotions, finances, and will help you avoid the pitfalls of being recently divided.

I remember one of the instructor's of the program, via video, explaining that most WAS will return to the M within 5 years of leaving. If the LBS is still single, then things can work out. If the LBS is with someone else, then it virtually never works out. They also said that one should not date for at least a year or two after D.

I wish you the best. Seek good counsel. You're friends that suggest you just find someone else are ill advised. You've got to heal completely first.

Hang in there!

Love,

COG
Posted By: Nugget Re: Well here I am.... - 08/16/07 10:56 PM
Originally Posted By: COG
I remember one of the instructor's of the program, via video, explaining that most WAS will return to the M within 5 years of leaving. If the LBS is still single, then things can work out.


I wonder what the actual statistics are. Irregardless that is a very reassuring thought for me.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/17/07 01:22 PM
Cog - thanks for your insight. \:\) I'll apologize in advance for the long post.

This is all just so weird.....like one of those swirly flashbacks.....

Got home from work, H was there because he watched D last night. He unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded it. (why??) but he looked so sad. I figured out last night that I've given up hope. I had hope, even with his plan. Now I have none. So I'm working on the things that need to still be split, etc. I emptied out his bathroom cabinet last night, along with the few clothes he had in the dresser and closet. I left them at the top of the stairs for him. He took them home. I have such heartburn and this stupid lump in my throat.

I remember telling him before the "plan" that if we got a divorce, he would think I didn't love him anymore because I would stop talking to him. He made me feel bad - as if I would let my pride overrule a possible reconcilliation. And now this?!

I heard this song this morning ....


Hinder - How Long?

Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
How long till this goes away
I try to remember to forget you
But I break down every time I do
It's left me less than zero
Beat down and bruised
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away

I can't seem to get my heart over you
Cause you creep into everything I do
And now I'm dying to know
How he touches you
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
How long till this goes away
She said she wants to be friends
I took a big step back
She said
She said
She said she's sorry
With one finger
I said f*** that

I can tell you're lying when your lips move
Cause of one lie it's not me it's you
It's left me less than zero
Beat down and bruised
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
How long till this goes away

She said she wants to be friends
I took a big step back
She said
She said
She said she's sorry
With one finger
With one finger
I said f*** that
Posted By: Sigh Re: Well here I am.... - 08/17/07 02:23 PM
Quote:
I do wish people would stop telling me I need to find someone else. I'm SO not ready for someone else and as of right now, doubt I'll ever be ready again...


KS, don't even worry about that right now. Of course people are going to tell you to find someone else, they want you to be happy and they know how much you are hurting.

Quote:
I know now, that all I can do is work on me. I'm working on getting out of debt, getting into shape, and being the best mom I can be.


That is your focus, and they are some good goals. Keep your chin up and try not to find all of the answers right now, you will get overwhelmed.

Here is a song I have been listening to the past couple of weeks...I can relate to it, and I think you will too

Whitney Houston - Step by Step

Well there's a bridge and there's a river that I still must cross
As I'm going on my journey
Oh, I might be lost

And there's a road I have to follow, a place I have to go
Well no-one told me just how to get there
But when I get there I'll know
Cuz I'm taking it

Chorus:
Step By Step, Bit by Bit,
Stone By Stone (Yeah), Brick by Brick (Oh, yeah)
Step By Step, Day By Day, Mile by mile (ooh, ooh, ooh)

And this old road is rough and ruined
So many dangers along the way
So many burdens might fall upon me
So many troubles that I have to face

Oh, but I won't let my spirit fail me
Oh, I won't let my spirit go
Until I get to my destination
I'm gonna take it slowly cuz I'm making it mine

Chorus:
Step By Step (you know I'm taking it), bit by bit (bit by bit, come move),
stone by stone (yeah), brick by brick (brick by brick by brick by brick mmm...)
Step by step (step by step uh-huh), day by day (day by day-ee),
mile by mile (ooh), go your own way.

Say it, baby, don't give up
You got to hold on to what you got,
Oh, baby, don't give up,
You got to keep on moving on don't stop (yeah yeah).
I know you're hurting, and i know you're blue,
i know you're hurting but don't let the bad things get to you.

Chorus:
I'm taking it step by step (ohohoh), bit by bit (bit by bit come move),
stone by stone (stone by stone yeah), brick by brick (brick by brick by brick by brick),
Step by step (i'm gonna take it now),day by day (day by day-ee),
mile by mile (ooh), go your own way!

(c'mon baby got to keep moving),
i'm taking it step by step), bit by bit,
stone by stone (yeah, stone by stone), brick by brick
c'mon baby,
step by step keep on moving, day by day (day by day-ee),
mile by mile by mile by mile,go your own way,
c'mon baby got to keep moving, bit by bit (bit by bit, bit by bit)....


(((Hugs))

Take Care
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/17/07 02:26 PM
Thanks Sigh
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/17/07 06:44 PM
random thoughts....and my blog....I wish I didn't feel like throwing up all the time. My emotions are still so raw and so close to the edge. Stupid things make me tear up or cry. When will this end???????

10:52 AM - and lyrics......
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Blogging


It's funny. I've been thinking about so many things. So many emotions going through my mind. Every second it seems to change. Makes it hard to feel "normal"....

I have anger, sadness and I've lost hope & faith in someone. I never thought that would happen. I guess we're human. We're not supposed to put our faith in others, but damn it I did. And I feel foolish for that. I believed.

I forgot -- I wanted to add this too. It's funny. One day I was in church during worship service and had this vision. It was like a dream, but I was wide awake, singing. (possibly scared folks nearby but...)

So - in this vision, I was standing, worshipping. And he walks up behind me, puts his hand on my shoulder and says "sorry it took me so long to get here"......made me cry and still does. WHY do I get a vision like that......how do you continue to hold out hope when you're told there's nothing left there? The love that needs to be there, isn't? How do you hold out hope after something like that?

Anyhow - more
Kelly Clarkson.....Sober.

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/18/07 01:20 PM
still feel like throwing up, but am also angry. I had texted a few times that we need to split up our bills and discuss visitation, holidays with D, etc.

No freaking reply. Nothing at all since Thursday night. Why does that make me hate him? It's just so easy for him to throw 13 years away.

Lots of anger......
Posted By: sofaraway Re: Well here I am.... - 08/18/07 02:13 PM
The first sign of independence for me was not caring whether or not my W responded. If i asked for something and she didnt respond, I progressed the way that I wanted to.

Start splitting your bills the way that you want to do it if he is failing to respond. If he continues to not go to change the cable, simply mail call them and change the billing address to wherever he is living and let him deal with it. You have divorce papers to show that you are not responsible for that bill anymore and if he doesnt pay it and it gets shut off, you can have it turned on in your name at that point.

That stomach ache and crap, is about you knowing what steps you must take now and being scared to take them. Just leap UA, do what you know you need to do and you will start to feel better and better.

Ian
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/18/07 02:52 PM
The bills are split - they're all mine. But two things are in his name. I also need to know what holidays he wants - Halloween, etc. because those are important to me....and I don't know if they are to him...
Posted By: SallyM Re: Well here I am.... - 08/18/07 03:00 PM
KS, have you tried calling the company directly? maybe they can just switch to your name, w/o needing him to call? not sure if that is possible, but worth a shot if you haven't tried.

as for holidays, maybe make out a fair sounding schedule and e-mail it to him. I did that way back when we first separated. I know, way ahead of myself there, but holidays are important to me and I wanted to sort them out (also, gave me control over something, when I had so little elsewhere).

good luck.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/18/07 03:25 PM
nope he has to be there in person for these last two things.....even with a divorce decree.
Posted By: sofaraway Re: Well here I am.... - 08/18/07 05:13 PM
UA, do a schedule the way you want it, send it to him and his lawyer, and let him respond in kind. Quit waiting on him, he's being ridiculous......


Ian
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/18/07 05:37 PM
I sent him one more text. Telling him I basically envy him for being able to shut off his feelings and I wish I could do the same. That I'd lost faith and hope in him. That we needed to discuss visitation. That I hoped he's happy in his life with whoever he's with and that one day he might realize he had someone who loved him as he was, and that it might be too late.

Anti DB but hello - can't bust it if it's happened and I'm done.

Oh - funny thing - I got a text back saying that he had just gotten them from today and the 15th because he had too many and had to delete them.

No matter. It's over. I am just in the sad part of the stages.
Posted By: sofaraway Re: Well here I am.... - 08/18/07 10:48 PM
NO MORE TEXTS......
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/19/07 03:06 PM
I hear what you're screaming. I needed closure. He wanted me to be honest with him about how I feel. That's it......it's done. It appears to be very easy for him to cut contact with someone he "loved" for 13 years. I just wish I knew how to do that. I want easy.
Posted By: Jeanette1120 Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 12:34 AM
Hey KS....

I'm sorry sweetie. It's certaintly not easy. Hmmm....I was divorced 15 days earlier than you. So that makes me the Big Sister! \:\) So I can tell you what to do Cept I have nothing to tell...I sit, where you sit. Still wondering and hoping against hope. Maybe it's time for us to do some DBing on ouselves If we look at the big picture.....we are divorced. They probably won't come back. Now what? We know they are always going to be a part of our life.....that alone drives me crazy! I don't think we will ever completly find "closure". Crud....I want to say something insighful that will make you feel better, but I can't. I'm sitting next to you wondering the same [censored]. I want easy. It was so easy for them, why can't it be easy for us?

So now that I am whining on the couch next to you......what are we going to do? Perhaps we should just take it one day at a time, stop beating ourselves up about it, and try to move slowly forward? I've had alot of alone time this past month, by choice. I needed it regroup my thoughts. I've did some 180's on myself. So far it seems to be working, but time will tell. So......skooch over, pass the popcorn and let's get out of this place........K? Let's try and find a place thats fun, inviting and non-judgemental!

{{{Hugs}}}

Jeanette
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 01:20 AM
Thanks Jeannette. I just don't get it. I had packed up some of his stuff that I brought back into the house because I stupidly had hope that he'd actually try his plan out at LEAST somewhat close to the outline......

I thought he took the stuff home (sigh of relief) only to find it sitting in his car in the garage. What? Why? Why not take it to your truck?

The past few days have been me spending time working on my bedroom. Rearranging it. Finding his things and stowing them in boxes. Reading stupid cards full of lies and crying. Locking my rings away in a lockbox.

One day at a time....one day soon I might be able to breathe again.

BTW I don't like this couch but welcome aboard. At least we're fun chicks ;\)
Posted By: Jeanette1120 Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 03:14 AM
Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*

BTW I don't like this couch but welcome aboard. At least we're fun chicks ;\)


I don't like it either! Too lumpy! Are you stashing away stuff in it?? Double bleh on those cards! You must keep them all like I do/did. They were not lies sweetie, they were real. Then. This is now. I cried over mine too.....Hallmark, when you care enough to send the very best! thanks dude!

Your never going to figure out the whats and why's, stop trying and start being you again! C'mon....I've seen your picture! Your attractive, your smart and FUN! To me, this is way easier than "waiting in limbo" ever was. Hell....who knowes what's around the corner. They are free now, free to be happy in their world. So are we. Just maybe and it's a small maybe, but now that we are all free, it will lessen the anxiety for them/us and we can all breathe again WITHOUT thinking. Maybe the worlds will meet again.

But until then......get up, get a grip and move forward!!! We'll go shopping for a new couch......K?? hehehe, but not leather....it sticks
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 03:21 AM
Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*
The past few days have been me spending time working on my bedroom. Rearranging it. Finding his things and stowing them in boxes. Reading stupid cards full of lies and crying. Locking my rings away in a lockbox.

One day at a time....one day soon I might be able to breathe again.


*KS*Chick*,

I know where you are coming from. I hope and pray you will feel better about your situation.

I found all of the cards and placed them randomly in exW's boxes. So, she would find them at different times. I do not have a single card in MY house!

Take Care,

RMG
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 02:17 PM
You know -- we had this thing I'd started a while back ... notebooks that we wrote letters to each other in. They also trailed off last summer. I got new notebooks...same thing.

He's chosen to leave every letter, etc. that I wrote - before and after the bomb so I'm keeping them here. He obviously doens't want them, or wants to be happy in denial-land. They're now all put up in a box. Rings are in a firesafe box along with other wedding day articles....garter, pearls...... It does so make it hard to breathe.

He replied to a text this morning saying I'm not an idiot, I'm just mad and it's understandable.

Whatever.

So now.....what? I don't know.

Jeannette - do you like this couch?
Posted By: COG Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 03:35 PM
Ladies,

Alright, now I'm going to try to be as sensitive as I can here, but honest too. I can appreciate your need to vent, and this is a good place to do it. I'm hoping it is just venting, and not the beginnings of a long term relationship with resentment and angst.

So reality is coming home to roost like a friggin bulldozer. It's real tempting to blame others, XH's, for your misery, but please just let that go. You carry as much responsibility for the death of your M as they do. You both signed D papers and nobody held a gun to your head. The battle is OVER, it ended when the ink dried.

Now you carry the burden of remorse, anger, fear, resentment, guilt, neediness, selfishness, etc. The sooner you can drop that burden and move on without it, the sooner you will be free again. Trust this for sure, if there is any hope of some kind of reconciliation with your XH's, it will NOT happen as long as you are controlled by the above.

It's time to let your H's go, let them be, forgive them, accept them for who they are, and move on with life. It's a process, it'll take time, so start setting some positive goals. Check out http://www.divorcecare.com. Join a support group, prayer group, etc.

Stop blaming your H's for your misery, and accept the fact that YOU alone are to blame for your current state. Turn the page, and open your eyes to the beautiful world that lies before you.

Courage, strength and faith.

God Bless,

COG
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 03:42 PM
Well Cog, considering up until less than a week ago, H had told me he WOULD try....and considering it didn't matter if I wanted the divorce or not because in our state he can divorce me without my signature or ink........it's a process........

Not even a week. I'll stop posting though - so you don't have to read my angst. Later.
Posted By: COG Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 04:06 PM
KS,
Quote:
I'll stop posting though - so you don't have to read my angst.
Well that choice is up to you, but this is YOUR thread, so I can also bug out.

I totally understand your angst, believie me I understand. I'm just more interested, more motivated to help you spew joy. It'll come some day, have faith. You've just fallen out of the spin cycle and trying to get back on your feet.
Quote:
Well Cog, considering up until less than a week ago, H had told me he WOULD try
Yep, that's a tough one. It's still a fresh wound. Like a friggin hot knife in the chest.
Quote:
and considering it didn't matter if I wanted the divorce or not because in our state he can divorce me without my signature or ink
Look, I don't want to split hairs here, but you chose to sign. That was your choice. If the law allows him to D you, then fine, he should have been allowed to go through that process without your help. I'm not trying to critisize you, I'm just trying to help you see that YOU share some responsibilty here too. The sooner your realize that, and accept that, the sooner you'll heal and grow, the sooner you might be able to ressurect something here.

Now I'm gonna bug out because I've already infringed too much on your thread. Just let my posts sit in the back of your mind and don't give them too much emphasis right now. Some day they might help.

Love,

COG
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 04:12 PM
No...I would be divorced whether or not I chose to sign. HE told me we should try getting a divorce and then he would move back home and we'd work on our relationship. I didn't help him one iota on divorcing me. I agreed that we could agree on terms, but that I didn't agree with divorce. As the judge told me the first time in court - well you know in Kansas he can divorce you whether you agree or not. Matters not if I signed, except that we have a child together, we had a house to split/settle, etc...

If he felt he couldn't love me like he's supposed to, he should have just manned up and told me from the get go - almost a YEAR that this has been going on.

I understand I share part of the responsibility. However, I am grieving. We had 13 years together. It seems so easy for him to move on and put that section of his life away and damn it all if that doesn't sting.

It's easy to tell me to suck it up and move forward when you're not in this situation. You and your wife worked or are working it out. I'm happy for you but I can tell you that from where I sit, the view is bleak right now.

I KNOW I will be ok. I KNOW I'll be stronger and I'll maybe one day find someone who will love me like I'm supposed to be loved. In the meantime, this hasn't even been a week.

Here's one of my favorite texts: My mind and body are into you at times, but my heart just isn't.

I don't even have to read it on my phone to know it word for word and it just hurts. I can't just turn that off. I'm trying. I packed his stuff away so it's out of sight. I found the receipt for his ring and left it in his pile so he can take the damned thing back. I am trying as hard as I can to process all of this without falling apart day after day. And here I sit posting, crying at work.

I'm pulling a line out that I used when I first got here.

This sucks!
Posted By: Jeanette1120 Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 04:28 PM
Yes it does suck! Now what? You are not alone here....don't let your anger out rule your rational thoughts...you ask for peoples advice.....they give it. Understand the meaning behind the words. Don't take it personally sweetie. Most of us can IDENTIFY with you. We understand your paim and emotions you are going through.

Listen......I heard the "We will date when we are divorced" throughout the entire two years. Have we dated. No. Are we going to? Probably not. Am I angry. Not really. I am me. I'm striving to be a better me, with or without him. This is the end result. YOU.......YOU........YOU. Stop posting. Get your anger, hurt, frustrations out. The more you post about it, the more you think about it.

The couch.....is perfect. So are you. Dont forget that!
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 04:30 PM
The only thing I'm really angry about is he didn't even try. He came up with this plan and HE didn't even try. Well maybe a half assed attempt.

Otherwise I'm just so broken and hurt.

"I love you but not like I should have. I could move back home and pretend but that wouldn't be fair to you."

How do you stop loving someone after that long? THAT I just don't get. It just makes me sad.
Posted By: Jeanette1120 Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 04:50 PM
No one said you had to stop loving him. You probably never will. But you cannot move forward until you start loving yourself. It's normal, you are normal your emotions are normal. Get them all out. Break something if you must. Then let the healing process start.

The more you dwell in the misery, the longer it is going to take for you to get yourself out of it.

Hugs honey, I am thinking of you.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 04:56 PM
But Jeannette - it appears that HE has stopped loving me....

I just don't get it - but I wish I could take a magic pill that would make it all better.

I know we all do.

I don't even feel like running him over.

And if this tells you anything, I don't even feel like shopping. \:o

I KNOW! It's bad.
Posted By: KristyS Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 05:00 PM
Hey girl..All of this is new to you, so it is gonna hurt like hell. You even had a glimmer of hope there for awhile with his little plan, and now that he is not going through with I've been going through the same emotions ever since I signed the papers back in January. It's ok to be mad right now. It's ok to be sad. These are all normal emotions. Staying busy has really helped me. I have been purposely making plans so that I don't have time to sit around and dwell on it. This is tough stuff. Don't even worry about relationships with other men right now. Just think about your relationship with yourself, your daughter, and God.

HUGS
Posted By: thegoodfight Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 05:02 PM
KS chick,

I feel for you and I understand how much it hurts when someone tells you they want to work on it, and then up and flips 180 the other way! I feel your pain I really do! The others just don't want you to stay counterproductive. I was very optomistic when we first had issues that we could work it out! Despite my efforts it is not going well! It is a kick below the belt, but you are a better person for trying, you just choose not to remember that right now! You will get there again! Please take a look at my thread. Lessons from a WAS, I have had a bad week and sometimes feel like you do.
Posted By: dlt1 Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 05:05 PM
(((KS))) The hardest part is just sitting and feeling the range of emotions. I have been embracing those whenever I can. Just to get them out and get that much closer to getting through them. Hope you feel better soon!
Posted By: AmyC Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 05:57 PM
KS ~ You have forgotten one of THE top rules of DBing:

NO EXPECTATIONS

Furthermore, until you grow outside of your own pain, you will not, I REPEAT, WILL NOT be free from the stress and pain of his disappointing you.

Speaking freely now - as you know I damn well will....the problem you are having here is YOU.


Since day one, you have let him dictate YOUR personal progress and that is why you find yourself STUCK NOW. He has ceased to offer you much comfort, any chance of redeeming yourself, no chance to UNDO the past.

So it is up to YOU. And frankly, while I fully understand being pissed off because your husband seems to lack the ONE THING it has taken YOU TO STAND - BRASS BALLS - that doesn't mean your anger is wholly justified.

The root of the anger is at yourself and that is where you're going to have to go back and DEAL. This time for real.

You have to understand - COMPLETELY - the woman that you were when you had the affair. You have to look HONESTLY at the state of your marriage and understand in your heart and soul why that happened. You will know that while you screwed up immeasurably, you didn't lay the groundwork all by yourself. Cut your inner tramp some slack. Okay, that was a joke so lighten the hell up!

Seriously, you can't be empathetic to your husband while you are wallowing in your own misery. Trust me, I KNOW. You have to climb down off the pity pot, flush the anger (which is really just self-righteousness because you DID THE RIGHT THING AND STOOD FOR THE MARRIAGE) and consider for a moment that all his partying doesn't mean he's thrilled to be divorced. Ever think it's a friggin crutch, UA???

Now, whether or not you continue to make any semblance of a "stand" is going to be in direct correlation to your CALLING.

I'll tell you something I picked up on in one of your recent posts...YOU WERE IN A BAR.

WTH??

Who are you serving?

And tell me...what effect might that have on your circumstances?


Get pissed off and offended if you want to girl but I call it like I see it and I see it clearly because you haven't been to one damn place I haven't already been myself.

You're not like everyone else.

You were CALLED to stand.








Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:02 PM
I was in a bar...with my cousin. And H showed up there. I'm tired of the calling. I don't feel it anymore. I don't know why I was given that vision Amy. I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me. I don't care now if I go to 30 bars. I'm not looking for a man there. I just want to get out of the house and have a decent time. I am just so tired of this sh*t.

What should I be doing? I've started moving towards "we're over so pack his stuff away".....I spent the entire weekend working on my bedroom. Rearranging, packing his things into boxes and putting them in his car since he refuses to take them....and putting my rings away.

There is nothing left to stand for.

You can't stand for someone who doesn't love you.
Posted By: cire2 Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:08 PM
Quote:

There is nothing left to stand for.

You can't stand for someone who doesn't love you.




Really now?

Aren't these the ones we need to stand for? If there is love then theres no need to stand...

Jesus looked after sinners not the righteous... get the point.

cire
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:09 PM
I never said I didn't still love him.

I just have no more faith in him.

So I have to move on and do for me and our D. Take care of her. Try to get some semblance of normal in our lives. Understand that we're about to be divorced parents and we'll have to share her on holidays...

And because a person is "done standing" doesn't mean their love for the person has stopped. It'd be much easier if that was the case. I'd like for it to be easy.
Posted By: Trip Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:14 PM
Hi *KS*,

I know I am missing lots of your situation but I think anything you can do to help yourself to detach will only be good for you. It will help with your anger and it will help you to move on.

If you are completely done and don't want to continue on or try then what you are doing is fine and the one of the only things you can do. If he was serious about the dating parting then he will come around and if not, well you will know that too. If deep inside you do want to try, then sure keep up with what you are doing there too because him seeing that you have taken that step to move on will get him curious. May or may not be your goal but it happens.

Anyhow, I would follow through with your packing up and make the place yours( you are keeping it?)
Posted By: cire2 Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:19 PM
Quote:
I never said I didn't still love him.


I know, you intimated he doesn't love you.

That's my point, You "stand" in "faith" that restoration will happen.

My dear, I really wish I could take away the pain from everyone here. It's kinda like fertilizer though, it's great for growth.

What is fertilizer....hmmm, so we stand in manure!

If it helps at all you can make holidays memorable and even better than the status quo. Be creative in your thinking, time and seperation is being forced upon you, use it!

smiles and hugs UA

cire
Posted By: AmyC Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:21 PM
Remember that line in the bible where Jesus says He told them about earthly things and they did not believe so He asked why then, he should tell them about heavenly things?

It is quite okay to drop-kick the ball for a while.

But it's actually more like a boomerang than a ball.

It will keep coming back until YOU get YOUR part right.

You can kick and scream all you want to that your husband got the cake-walk and you got the sh*tty end of the stick.

Fact is, you got what you were predestined to make it through.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:21 PM
I think if he was serious, he wouldn't have hit me with the bomb last Tuesday that he doesn't love me like he should, and it's not fair to me....he's done.

Sure, I want him home. I want him back, I want him to try. I want him to try MC with me. He's not there.

He has said a part of him was never meant to be married. He got a taste of freedom and ran.

It's not healthy for me to keep hoping or hanging my hopes on him. It's not fair to him either. And you know...if he came to me in a month, said he missed me and wanted to try....I really don't know if I"d believe him anymore. This is at least twice that I've been let down like this. Third time's a charm....or just a bigger fool?

I am keeping the house. I got rid of three trashbags full of old papers, etc. Got all of D's papers from Kindy & 1st grade filed away. Had a good weekend with her.

This weekend was his b-day. I sent a text at midnight on Sunday morning telling him happy b-day. We were all supposed to go to dinner but I bowed out. He called that afternoon, but I missed the call. I called him back but let him talk to D - I didn't talk to him at all. I'm too emotional, and it was his b-day. He sent a text later saying thanks for the b-day wishes.

It's like I'm an acquaintence to him now....
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:23 PM
Originally Posted By: AmyC
Remember that line in the bible where Jesus says He told them about earthly things and they did not believe so He asked why then, he should tell them about heavenly things?

It is quite okay to drop-kick the ball for a while.

But it's actually more like a boomerang than a ball.

It will keep coming back until YOU get YOUR part right.

You can kick and scream all you want to that your husband got the cake-walk and you got the sh*tty end of the stick.

Fact is, you got what you were predestined to make it through.






So what do I need to be doing?

I just want to feel like I'll be able to swallow without throwing up or crying. It's just SO raw......
Posted By: AmyC Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:25 PM
Do exactly what you ARE ALREADY doing, KS.

Sorry but it is part of the process.
Posted By: AmyC Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:25 PM
Look for the lessons here in THIS part of your journey.

They are there...
Posted By: Trip Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:26 PM
Good, then make the house yours.

If he does ever say he wants back, let his actions speak then. Do not be misled by his words.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:28 PM
So there is no magic solution to the throwing up eh?

Hey - down 3 lbs! I should thank him. LOL
Posted By: AmyC Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:34 PM
Shove a toothbrush down your throat and press on.

That is just the enemy.
Posted By: AmyC Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:35 PM
God didn't give you a spirit of fear. But one of power, love and sound mind. Anything else is straight outta the pit.

Rebuke it.

You know this stuff.
Posted By: Lissie Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:35 PM
WEll I see that the Amy has gotten some wind in her sails.

Thank you Jesus.
Posted By: thegoodfight Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:36 PM
What do you need to keep doing? You don't need to do anything, except continue on for your D. and you! You have lost faith in him! He is human, he is unsure and lost, I would not put any faith in him right now.

Have faith in there is a plan for all of us! Have faith that you found this site and the book for a reason! What is that reason I don't know! But venting my be a part of it, but it isn't the reason you found this! Have faith in yourself because that is the only person you have any control over. Hang in there, again I really am feeling your pain, I worry that I am lost also, but it only lasts for a while.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:38 PM
Camera 1.......Camera 2

The desk was piled (completely covered ) before yesterday. It's all cleaned off and organized. All of D's school stuff is in the right tote. The basket on the totes is full of those Love stuffed things I've been given over the years .... which need to be put out of sight somewhere.

I was going to toss all the papers in the totes but a lot of them are his so I gave him the option to go through them on his own. Separate, move forward.....and live.......

Oh - and as part of the goal of finding my abs, I did a buttload of crunches (take that Ian - I worked off the Cheetos! )

I'm going to start running again....hopefully tonight if my mom will watch D for me. I will look so damned good, he'll wonder why he gave up.
Posted By: Trip Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:45 PM
You know what, KS. My H has commented on my changes many times. Initially, he said otherwise but now with talking to me and hearing my attitude and tone, he knows otherwise. The thing is, I did it for me because I didn't like the path I was going on.

Anyhow, I am in a different place right now but my point is they do notice and you can end up on good speaking terms and perhaps more, if that is what you want.

My H said a lot of cruel things to me and now says he knows different because of the time he has spent apart from me. He has been out of the house for almost a year. His stuff is still here but that is because we have an arrangement. I just wanted you to know that I think you are doing the wise thing for you right now.

Just focus on you and your goals.
Posted By: Trip Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:47 PM
Love the bedding, bed, and window treatments!

Thanks for sharing.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:55 PM
I do think some of the anger is at myself....for being foolish. For believing. For researching honeymoon places. For jumping the gun. For having hope.

Gonna go smoke now \:\)

BTW Trip - my mom made the curtains \:\)
Posted By: dlt1 Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 06:55 PM
Good for you KS. Get out there and run! My W and I got bikes for xmas. Went on one ride together. She started hitting the gym, and I moped about getting in shape. So now I've been riding on my own, and of course the crunches. Lost 10 lbs so far, 10 more to go. I am even starting to feel an ab or two in there somewhere! These are godd changes to make for ourselves. get out there and have fun doing it!
Posted By: Trip Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 07:07 PM
I really do need to get a bike again. I miss going for rides.

KS, those are great. Wish I could sew like that. Either that or wish my mom could. LOL!!

Oh, and when I get angry, it almost always directed at myself.
Posted By: Lissie Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 07:13 PM
Quit smoking (sigh) I always say that after I put the last one of the pack out.

And tell your mom she is a show off, sewing so awesome like that.

Those pics were great.
Posted By: Jeanette1120 Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 07:41 PM
WOW...I love the bedding and curtains!!

I can't WAIT TO REDECORATE
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 08:05 PM
Originally Posted By: AmyC
Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*
Originally Posted By: AmyC
Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*
but again it's still about her.

Forget it. You still love her or you wouldn't feel this way. But deal with the bitterness.


Hello pot.


hello kettle

I'm trying...but like I said - I just want to know how it's so easy for him when it's not for me. If it could be easy for me to forget about him, I would be just fine. Blech.


To whom much is given, much is required.

Look it up.


Quote:
Luke 12:48 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society


48But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.


OK I looked it up. I'm dense. I'm not seeing the relation. There are so many times where I just don't get anything from the verses or I just can't pick them apart or think analytically so help me.

what's it mean for me?

Quote:
Luke 12:48 (New Living Translation)
New Living Translation (NLT)
Holy Bible. New Living Translation copyright © 1996, 2004 by Tyndale Charitable Trust. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers.


48 But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.


So because I knew it was wrong, I'll be punished more? When they're given much of what? Entrusted with much of what?
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 08:10 PM
one more thing Amy....

I'll be really honest with you. I don't even know how to pray anymore......so I've basically stopped. I pray for the health of our kids. Me - I don't care about me anymore. I'm broken. I don't care about me. And him - I don't even know how to pray for him anymore either.

Advice?
Posted By: AmyC Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 08:57 PM
Make yourself pray.

Start small.
Decide that for 60 seconds tonight you are going to lift your husband up before the Lord. Do it literally, using your hands. If not one word comes out of your mouth, that is fine. But I bet by the end of the week, if you really commit, you'll have something to say. Do this: Pray for the children's Daddy. That should give you a good starting point. I'll make a deal with you and do the same, how about that? 60 seconds. How bad can it be?



As for the verse, no, it's not about being punished more and the fact you even made that statement tells me you operate more from a place of guilt than deliverance.

What do you want to do about that?
Posted By: *KS*Chick* an article on divorce... - 08/20/07 09:03 PM
Adjusting to Life After Divorce

Overview
Ways to move forward emotionally, socially, and financially after a divorce.

Moving forward after a divorce is one of the biggest challenges you may ever face. Experts say that every couple gets two divorces -- a legal divorce and an emotional divorce. In many cases, the legal divorce becomes final after a relatively brief period of time. But the emotional divorce may take much longer to achieve.

That's because your feelings for your former spouse -- and your memories of the good times you had together -- don't end when a judge says that your marriage is over. In order to move forward emotionally, you need to establish a new relationship with your former spouse, a process that can take a long time.



Moving forward emotionally


Here are some ways to start adjusting to being divorced:
Forgive yourself and your ex. This may be the hardest task you face after a divorce. If you wanted the divorce, you may feel guilty about the pain your spouse and children have experienced even if you believe that the change will benefit all of you. If you didn't want the divorce, you may find it hard to forgive your spouse for ending the marriage. If you're experiencing any of these feelings, you might try writing a letter in which you officially "forgive" yourself or your ex. Even if you don't mail the letter, putting your ideas on paper may help you make peace with the past.

Accept that your marriage is over. It can take years to accept fully that a marriage has ended. In the meantime, you can make the transition easier by taking steps to remind yourself that you've entered a different stage of life. For example, you might put away wedding photos or take up some new activities -- such as jogging or joining a book group -- that will provide welcome distraction when you find yourself dwelling on the past.

Give up the idea that your ex is your best friend. Viewing your ex as your best friend makes it harder to accept that your marriage has ended and can also lead to strained relations with your former spouse. Make an extra effort to reach out to other friends or develop new relationships.

Don't invent excuses for unnecessary calls or get-togethers. You may need to see or talk to your former spouse frequently if you have children or participate in the same activities -- for example, if you work for the same company or attend the same house of worship. But don't invent reasons for meetings or conversations. Instead of calling your former spouse every time you have a problem with the car or computer, try to build a new network of people who can help in a crisis.

Write or call your former in-laws to let them know what kind of relationship you'd like to have now. You can set a positive tone if you call or write promptly to talk about the relationship you'd like to have with them. You might say, "Our marriage has ended, but I'll always be grateful for the love you've given to our children, and I hope you'll want to continue to see them at your home or ours."

Set limits on how much you talk about your ex with friends and co-workers. Setting a few limits has two big benefits: It can keep you from dwelling on the past, and it can help to keep your friendships strong. Even your closest friends and co-workers may start to avoid you if every time you see them, you talk about your marriage or your ex.

Try to find a creative outlet for your feelings. You may find it easier to avoid talking continually about your ex if you write about your emotions in a journal. Or look for another way to express intense feelings -- doing drawings or paintings, playing music on the guitar or piano, or hammering nails as you build a new bench or bookcase.

Consider meeting on neutral ground when you need to get together. Even with the best of intentions, you or your spouse may find that some settings tend to push all your emotional buttons -- the family home, your favorite restaurant, the park where you used to take romantic walks. If this happens, consider meeting in a neutral setting, such as a coffee shop that didn't exist when you were married.

Have another adult join you if your former spouse is having trouble letting go. Ask a trusted friend to join you if you need to meet with a former spouse who behaves in ways that aren't appropriate to your new relationship -- for example, by making sexual overtures or by making hurtful remarks that reopen old wounds.

Join a divorce support group. Joining a support group can give you a safe place to talk about your feelings with people who've had similar experiences. It can also give you a way to share what you've learned and help others. Check the weekly calendar of events in your newspaper for listings of groups. Or call the social work or community outreach department of a hospital and find out if it offers support programs for divorced or separated adults.

Some experts recommend divorce counseling for couples who are having a lot of trouble making the adjustment to life after a divorce. This kind of counseling typically consists of three or four sessions with a therapist or other counselor who helps former spouses find solutions to the issues that are causing the most trouble. Divorce counseling can be especially helpful to people who didn't have marriage counseling or who keep having trouble with a specific issue, such as how to discipline children.

Establishing a new social life
There are usually two big challenges to creating an independent social life after a divorce. The first is establishing new relationships with friends you used to see as a couple. The second is deciding how and when to start dating again if you'd like to do that. You may want to:
Decide with your ex what you'll tell others about the divorce. Most of your friends and co-workers don't need -- or want -- to hear more than a brief explanation such as, "We grew in different directions" or "We realized that we like and respect each other but are too different to live together."
Avoid loyalty tests. Don't put friends in a position of having to choose sides in the divorce -- for example, by refusing to see anybody who maintains a relationship with your former spouse.

Realize that others may feel as confused as you do about the divorce. If some friends keep their distance, it may mean that they don't know what to say instead of that they don't want to see you. Be willing to reach out to them even if you feel that you're the one who needs the support.

Let friends and co-workers know how your circumstances have changed. People who value your friendship will understand if you say that you need to get together for lunch or after work because you have to spend weekends with your children.

Resist the pressure to get involved in new relationships before you feel ready. Everybody has a different timetable for adjusting to a divorce. It may take weeks, months, or even years before you feel ready to begin a new relationship.
When you feel ready to start dating, consider options that may not have existed before you were married. Talk to unmarried and divorced friends about how they've met people they wanted to date. Did they use an Internet dating service? Take an adventure vacation? Join a singles' club in your area?

Think about taking up new activities that you couldn't pursue when you were married. You might want to do volunteer work, look into a new sport or hobby, or take a night or weekend class in a subject that interests you.

Plan ahead for birthdays, holidays, and other special events. Speak up about your needs instead of waiting for others to figure them out. Let friends know that your children will be spending a holiday with your ex, or that your birthday is approaching. Tell a friend, "My birthday is coming up, and I'd like to do something special. Why don't we have lunch at that new restaurant we keep saying we want to try?"


Taking steps to strengthen your financial security
It's natural to feel concerned about money after a divorce. You and your former spouse may have many expenses that you didn't have while married -- a second rent or mortgage payment, travel expenses for children who move back and forth, the cost of separate vacations, or an extra set of household furnishings. Here are a few ideas for easing financial troubles:

Avoid making major financial decisions -- such as selling your home -- until you have a solid understanding of your new needs. You might find that it makes more financial sense to stay in your home and live on a tight budget than to make a big move right after a divorce.

Talk at least once a year to a tax adviser or other expert who can help you evaluate your changing circumstances. It's especially important to do this if you are receiving alimony that may end at a certain point or if you have other financial arrangements that are subject to change.

Learn how to plan for your financial future on your own. Take courses to strengthen your professional skills. Talk to other divorced people and find out how they learned to live on a lower income. Look into the free financial advice offered by many banks, county extension services, and other sources, which may help with anything from drawing up a household budget or planning for a child's education.


Facing the future with confidence
One key to facing the future confidently is keeping in mind that everybody responds to divorce differently. Avoid comparing yourself to a friend or co-worker who found a great new relationship in a few months or who has a much more harmonious relationship with a former spouse. You may have many more difficulties at first than somebody else. But these can lead you to explore a wider variety of options that may leave you better off in the long run. Trust your instincts, and take time to think carefully about one of the biggest adjustments you'll ever have to make.

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Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 09:03 PM
I don't know what I can do. Die? he he.....kidding. I'm not suicidal. Just tired.
Posted By: w8ing Re: Well here I am.... - 08/20/07 09:13 PM
KS - I can't believe that with everything you are going through right now, you were kind enough to post in my thread a little while ago.

I just read all of the posts in this thread and I can't get over some of the statements you have made - they mirror my thoughts.

Quote:
What's funny is I have this feeling. I can't describe it. It might be anger. Anger that he didn't actually try the plan he came up with. That he didn't give it a chance.


My H said he was just going through the motions of MC. It was his idea to go and he picked the guy. I, too, feel like he never gave it a chance. I asked him if his business was failing would he just give up? Of course not, but this is "different".

Quote:
I wish I didn't feel like throwing up all the time. My emotions are still so raw and so close to the edge. Stupid things make me tear up or cry. When will this end???????


I really understand how you feel here. Everyone says that it will get better, but it is hard to believe that now. My head tells me that it will, but my heart isn't agreeing.

Quote:
It's funny. I've been thinking about so many things. So many emotions going through my mind. Every second it seems to change. Makes it hard to feel "normal"....

I have anger, sadness and I've lost hope & faith in someone. I never thought that would happen. I guess we're human. We're not supposed to put our faith in others, but damn it I did. And I feel foolish for that. I believed.


I feel the same way - I gave up my life, my friends, my job to be here with him. I trusted. How will I ever be able to do that again?

I am not where you are now, but have a high degree of certainty that I will be joining you on that couch in two years. I will not sign, but like your state, it won't matter. The D will happen anyway.

I, too, take responsibility for problems in my marriage. But I don't take one ounce of responsibility for the way H is "fixing" the situation. I don't run from my problems - I address them head on.

I'm so sorry that you are where you are now. I wish that I could offer more comfort to you. I know that you know that you will be okay - but I think that the road to okay is paved with with speed bumps along the way. Some of the bumps seem mighty high.....

Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you....
Posted By: *KS*Chick* another article... - 08/20/07 09:14 PM
Coping with Feelings of Loss After Divorce or Separation

Overview
Dealing with the intense feelings that you may have when a marriage ends.

A divorce or separation is always painful. For many people, a divorce can be as hard to cope with as the death of a loved one. Even if you feel relieved that you no longer have to live with the tension of a strained relationship, you may find that a divorce or separation brings intense feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, frustration, or fears about the future. All of these emotions are natural when a marriage ends, and there are many ways to cope with them.


Common feelings after divorce or separation
Two people rarely start thinking about splitting up at exactly the same moment. Instead, one member of a couple usually wants to end the marriage more -- or sooner -- than the other does. Some experts call this spouse "the person who leaves" and the other "the person who's left behind" (or just "the leaver" and "the left"). Depending on which roles you had, you and your spouse may have very different feelings about your divorce or separation.

If you wanted the divorce more than your spouse did. If you wanted the divorce, you may feel very relieved at first to have taken steps to end a troubled marriage. But you may have unexpected feelings later on. Spouses who wanted a divorce may blame themselves for the breakup of their family or for financial or other hardships that occur afterward. Experts say that, for this reason, the difficulties of these spouses may arise later and last longer than those of the people who didn't want the divorce.

If your spouse wanted the divorce more than you did. If your spouse wanted the divorce, you may feel anger, shock, and a sense of betrayal, especially if you believe the two of you could have worked out your differences. Some "left" spouses cling to the idea that the other person is a villain -- or that there's a way to save their marriage -- even if neither of these views is realistic. Long after the divorce becomes final, they may still fantasize about getting back together or have trouble forgiving a former spouse for trivial incidents that occurred years earlier.

Thinking about your role in the separation or divorce can help you anticipate the challenges you may face and may lead to a better understanding of your spouse's behavior. For example, you might assume that if a former spouse avoids you or your children, he or she no longer cares about the family. In reality, your ex may be feeling extremely guilty and afraid to face you or others for fear of being criticized. In complex situations like this, a therapist or another counselor may be able to help you understand the emotions that you and your former spouse may be experiencing.

Tips on coping with intense or painful emotions
A divorce or separation can involve many kinds of losses. At the very least, it requires you to give up the dream that you and your spouse will always stay together "for better or worse." Depending on your situation, you may also have to give up your home, custody of your children, some of your financial security, and other things that are important to you. Even if you wanted to end your marriage, these losses may seem almost unbearably painful.

For this reason, when a marriage ends, your feelings of grief may last for a long time. This is a normal and very common reaction to one of the biggest adjustments anyone ever has to make. Here are some tips for coping:

Allow yourself to grieve. Mourning is a healthy part of the grieving process when someone you love dies, and it can be a healthy part of the healing process after a divorce, too. Give yourself permission to grieve after your divorce or separation.

Think about what helped with other losses. Ask yourself what has made you feel better when people you loved have died. Writing a note? Listening to soothing music? Spending a few quiet moments in a peaceful setting such as a park or garden? Any of these might help after a divorce, too.

Consider finding a way to mark the day your divorce becomes final. Some experts believe that it can help you achieve a sense of peace or finality if you mark the day your marriage officially ends, or the day you get your divorce decree in the mail. You might consider lighting a candle, having lunch with your best friend, or writing a poem or letter about your feelings on that day.

Share painful feelings with your closest friends and relatives. You may never need your friends or relatives more than you do during a separation or divorce. But those people may start to feel uncomfortable around you if you talk continually or bitterly about your former spouse. Save the most painful details for a few of the people you trust the most -- your closest friends or family members, or professionals such as the clergy.

Look for healthy ways to express your feelings. Think about starting a "divorce journal" in a notebook or on your computer. (Try to write down something positive or encouraging each day.) Or find another creative way to express your feelings -- draw or paint a picture, work on a home project, or plant a flower or tree that will blossom even if your marriage has withered.

Let friends and family members know how they can help. People who haven't been divorced or separated (and even some who have) may not know what would help you most. Speak up if you need an occasional babysitter, help with tasks your spouse used to do, or advice on drawing up a new budget.

Reach out to new people. After a divorce, you may see less of certain people who had a stronger attachment to your ex (or whom you saw only because your former spouse liked them). Accept some changes in your social life as inevitable, and reach out to new people who can fill the gaps in your social life.

Anticipate days that may be difficult, such as holidays and your wedding anniversary. Some people find that, years after a divorce, they still feel sad on days that they associate with their former spouse. Let friends know if you could use a little extra support at these times.

Take care of yourself. A divorce or separation can be physically and emotionally stressful, so it's important not to neglect your health. Make sure you understand any changes in your healthcare coverage that will result from a separation or divorce.

Join a support group for separated or divorced people. You may find it helpful to share your feelings with people who've been divorced or separated and know what you're going through. You may be able to find a group through your employee resource program (if you don't know how to contact your employee resource program, ask a human resources representative) or the local chapter of an organization for separated or divorced people or single parents. If you can't find a group in your area, consider joining a group on the Internet. You can find online groups by searching for keywords such as "divorce support."

Make major changes slowly. Resist the pressure from friends and relatives to make big changes before you feel ready, whether these include selling a house, moving to a new community, or starting to date. You may feel better about any changes you make if you know you've thought them through carefully.

Look into counseling if you feel emotionally "stuck." For most people, the pain of a separation or divorce eases with time. If your sadness doesn't become easier to bear after a while, you may want to talk to a therapist or another counselor. There are counselors who specialize in working with separated or divorced people. You may be able to find a specialist through your employee resource program, searching the Internet, calling the psychiatry department of a community hospital, or getting in touch with the local chapter of a group such as the American Psychological Association.

Follow your own emotional timetable. Everybody adjusts to separation or divorce at a different rate. Don't expect to "get over" your feelings of loss by a certain time just because you know somebody else did.

Moving beyond loss and grief
In the first months after separation or divorce, you may seem to need all your emotional strength just to survive from one day to the next. But as you begin to feel stronger and more confident, you may want to take additional steps to move beyond loss and grief.

Forgive yourself and your former spouse for any mistakes you made. It can take a long time -- often years -- to forgive both yourself and your former spouse for any mistakes you made during your marriage. You may find it easier to do this if you can acknowledge that just as both you and your former spouse did some things wrong, you did a lot that was right, too.

Set new goals. In the months immediately before and after a divorce or separation, many people have to focus on goals that relate to the end of their marriage, such as helping children adjust or finding a new place to live. Later you'll probably want to set new goals, including some that you couldn't have achieved while you were married such as spending more time with your friends or going back to finish a degree.

Coping with the loss and grief that often follow a divorce or separation can be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. But if you allow yourself to grieve and learn ways to cope during this difficult period, you can begin to move forward.

© 2003 Ceridian Corporation. All rights reserved.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: another article... - 08/21/07 01:30 PM
I bombed/crashed HUGE last night. I lashed out. For 11 months he's been able to say whatever the hell he feels like so last night I got all my stuff out - anger, hurt, questions. No replies back because it was all via text (please don't yell because I already know it was wrong)

I sat down last night and wrote him a letter. Explained my feelings for him, about our past, etc. and I am done.

Standing? For what? The wind has been completely knocked out of my sails, I'm doubting God, I'm doubting my husband/ex husband. I'm doubting a lot. I'm nauseous 24-7.

I did do a run/walk - 2 miles and 60 crunches. I'm working strictly on me. One day he might turn around and realize he had something better than sh*t. By then, it will more than likely be too late....I'll be gone.
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: another article... - 08/21/07 01:46 PM
Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*
Standing? For what? The wind has been completely knocked out of my sails, I'm doubting God, I'm doubting my husband/ex husband. I'm doubting a lot. I'm nauseous 24-7.

I did do a run/walk - 2 miles and 60 crunches. I'm working strictly on me. One day he might turn around and realize he had something better than sh*t. By then, it will more than likely be too late....I'll be gone.


*KS*Chick*,

I have soooooo been there. I married Kim because I felt I could trust her with all of me. She came from a "Christian" family. I grew to love her so very deeply over the years. She EVEN looked down on her sister for leaving her husband. Yet, she did the SAME thing a few years later.

As for God, I have had many doubts. I wonder why He allowed this.

Marriage... Well, that is another thing. Yes, many people believe it is sacred. Yet, following through is a HUGE issue. I am CERTAIN my ex-W believes it is. Of course, she wants her husband to stick to his vows. She can choose at any time to bail out. I wonder how she would feel if her husband bailed on her? I honestly hope she finds a guy, falls in love, gets married and finds her H having sex on the floor with some tart! \:D

I know my ex-W will eventually look back and wish she had stuck it out. As my female friends have said, there are not a lot of guys out there like me.

Okay... Enough venting.....

Contrary to DB practices, I do believe you did what you felt you had to do. Sometimes, we do need to deviate at times. I KNOW your H will regret his actions. Women like you are hard to find...

Keep up the exercise program! I hope and pray things get better for you!

Take Care,

RMG
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: another article... - 08/21/07 02:03 PM
I did tell him in the letter I wrote that better or worse means just that....and that we can't pick the better or worse.

I need closure. If he could just say he hates me, or has for a long time, somehow I think it would be easier to accept. I deal better when I'm angry...
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: another article... - 08/21/07 02:07 PM
Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*
I did tell him in the letter I wrote that better or worse means just that....and that we can't pick the better or worse.

I need closure. If he could just say he hates me, or has for a long time, somehow I think it would be easier to accept. I deal better when I'm angry...


That is the REAL mystery to me. Do these people actually believe jumping into another relationship is the answer? Are they really so clueless they believe other relationships will not have issues? I believe you trade one set of issues for another.

I hope and pray you find closure.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: another article... - 08/21/07 02:10 PM
Thanks RMG \:\)
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: another article... - 08/21/07 05:37 PM
needed a laugh.....

http://www.filecabi.net/video/butter-floor.html

Hope you laugh too...
Posted By: Trip Re: another article... - 08/21/07 06:04 PM
That is hilarious!!! Thanks for posting.

Sorry about last night. I wouldn't worry if it was good DBing or not. Pick yourself up and start all over again with a continued focus on you!
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: another article... - 08/21/07 06:15 PM
Thanks Trip. I actually feel a little at peace. I feel like with DB, I had to bite my tongue a LOT, which is funny since one of our issues was me not sharing my feelings and getting into that place. I know the texting was probably psychotic....but it was like the dam broke last night and I couldn't take it anymore.

I've been listening to this pink song.....it's called I'm not dead.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
There's all these cracks
Crack of sunlight
Crack in the mirror on your lips
It's the moment of a sunset Friday
When our conversations twist
It's the fifth day of ice on a new tattoo
But the ice should be on our heads
We only spun the wheel to catch ourselves
So we weren't left for death

And I was never looking for approval from anyone but you
And though this journey is over I'll go back if you ask me to


I'm not dead just floating
Right between the ink of your tattoo
In the belly of the beast we turned into
I'm not scared just changing
Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish smile

You're my crack of sunlight

You can do the math a thousand ways but you can't erase the facts
That others come and others go but you always come back
I'm a winter flower underground always thirsty for summer rain
And just like the change of seasons
I know you'll be back again

I'm not dead just floating
Underneath the ink of my tattoo
I've tried to hide my scars from you
I'm not scared just changing
Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish smile

You're my crack of sunlight oh

I'm not dead just yet
I'm not dead I'm just floating
Doesn't matter where I'm going
I'll find you
I'm not scared at all
Underneath the cuts and bruises
Finally gained what no one loses
I'll find you
I will find you

I'm not dead just floating
I'm not scared just changing
You're my crack of sunlight yeah


Kinda reminds me of me right now...or maybe I'm just crazy.
Posted By: Trip Re: another article... - 08/21/07 06:32 PM
That is hilarious!!! Thanks for posting.

Sorry about last night. I wouldn't worry if it was good DBing or not. Pick yourself up and start all over again with a continued focus on you!
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: another article... - 08/21/07 07:32 PM
OK seriously Amy - I'm surprised you haven't laid a smack down. You only have 8 more posts before I lock up


One of my co-workers invited me to go to Yoga with her tonight. More workin' out stuff. Where's Swashy when you need him? I wanna know what I"m in for on this Yoga stuff...
Posted By: AmyC Re: another article... - 08/21/07 07:47 PM
I'm waiting for your self-destructive phase to pass.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: another article... - 08/21/07 07:58 PM
what am I doing that's self destructive?
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: another article... - 08/21/07 08:11 PM
here's what I want to know....anyone that can help me.

I feel physically sick thinking about him and the EA chick hooking up.....and as a good friend pointed out to me, he probably feels the same way about me and om.......

God........ \:\(
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: another article... - 08/21/07 08:39 PM
Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*
here's what I want to know....anyone that can help me.

I feel physically sick thinking about him and the EA chick hooking up.....and as a good friend pointed out to me, he probably feels the same way about me and om.......

God........ \:\(


*KS*Chick*,

I understand totally. It is sickening. I still feel it... I really want to beat OM to a pulp....... I cannot believe the woman I loved and cherished could do this....

When my ex-W found Ms. Montana was coming to town for the weekend, she called me and left a voice mail about some random bill. Previously, she had just e-mailed me all of the details. I think she just wanted me to hear her voice and let me know she is stil around. If she only knew Ms. Montana stayed in the hotel where we stayed for our first wedding anniversary... I should point out nothing happened with Ms. Montana and I. I was a gentleman even when she wanted to be a very bad girl....

RMG
Posted By: w8ing Re: another article... - 08/22/07 03:41 AM
Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*
I actually feel a little at peace. I feel like with DB, I had to bite my tongue a LOT, which is funny since one of our issues was me not sharing my feelings and getting into that place.



KS - I know how you feel here. I don't know how to DB - I never pleaded, begged, spoke of our R, etc. We never fought prior to the bomb. The DB counselor tells me to do what he wouldn't expect, yet DBing is everything I have always done. I have always bitten my tongue, never shared my feelings and this is one of the reasons we are where we are now.

I am jealous of you - I want to do the exact same thing that you did. I'm angry and, for once in our "marriage" I want him to know it - I don't want to gloss over it like I have done in the past. He sure wouldn't expect it. But I keep holding back because of DBing.

Have you heard from him yet? What was his reaction?

Good luck....
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: another article... - 08/22/07 01:16 PM
We talked yesterday some. He's still very angry, as if I dropped the bomb yesterday. I might be stupid, but I actually see that as kind of a positive. If he wasn't upset or didn't care, I don't think he'd still be that angry. A lot of the anger is still surrounding his pride.

I rewrote the letter last night after yoga (which, BTW I think helped me release some of my anger...)....and he picked it up today. I won't bother him anymore. He needs to work through his stuff, and I need to work through mine. He said he went to counseling and his counselor told him he knows himself pretty well....because I said we didn't do counseling, and maybe they could help us work through it and he said he knows himself and he can't get over it.

Who knows.
Posted By: AmyC Re: another article... - 08/22/07 02:29 PM
That IS a positive!

Just walk through this, April.
He's the only one that can set the pace because he is behind you as far as working through it goes so you might as well get used to crawling for a while.

It's irritating and frustrating and seems hopeless along the way but I'm telling you, this ain't about you anymore. It's all about him grabbing a few clues of his own. You have to keep him in prayer so that happens.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: another article... - 08/22/07 03:04 PM
You know last night in Yoga we did this one pose and she said we could meditate, pray or whatever. I just prayed for his anger and healing. I can finally pray for him again. No matter what happens with us, I do want him to feel healed, whole and not angry or bitter.

I do realize after our convo that 90% of this is still about him - his pride, his hurt, his anger, what I did to HIM.

What else is funny is it seems the only person who pushes him to do anything is him. I was fine with limbo, but it drove him nuts. He said he was angry at his lawyer and the judge for making him come up with that plan in the first place.

At least I'm not nauseous today (and I've lost 4 lbs HA)
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: another article... - 08/22/07 03:21 PM
wanted to add he also admitted that he might not be ready to give up his friends or partying....

I told him I never asked him to GIVE UP the friends, just reprioritize.....
Posted By: w8ing Re: another article... - 08/22/07 10:55 PM
Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*


I do realize after our convo that 90% of this is still about him - his pride, his hurt, his anger, what I did to HIM.


KS - I have been thinking about this, especially the pride part. I keep thinking that we (meaning many of us on this board) have to overcome "male pride" in addition to all of the other challenges we face with MLC.

Not to bash or stereotype the gentlemen here who are going through the same h*ll that we are, but I don't know that my H would ever come home, simply because of his pride.

He is never wrong. NEVER. And, if by the off chance he had a bad day and was wrong, he would never admit it. And I don't just mean during his MLC - he has been blessed with being right his entire life.

When I try and fast forward (I know I shouldn't be doing this) to the part where he comes out of this fog, I don't see him saying, I was wrong to leave you. And to him, coming home would be exactly like saying that. It would be admitting to himself and others that he was wrong.

I know that it is not about right and wrong - but I don't know that he will look at it that way.

I'm so proud of you for praying for your H's healing. I need to learn this lesson from you.

Be strong!
Posted By: COG Re: another article... - 08/22/07 11:11 PM
w8ing,
Quote:
I have been thinking about this, especially the pride part. I keep thinking that we (meaning many of us on this board) have to overcome "male pride" in addition to all of the other challenges we face with MLC.
Oh, a more prideful statement I don't think I've ever heard. Trust me, there is no gender holding a monopoly on pride. You better just get over that.
Quote:
Not to bash or stereotype the gentlemen here
Ya, right.

Now there's no need to get defensive here. I'm just making a point for you to think about. From a guy who's W was NEVER wrong. And I don't believe she's an exception to the rule. Just spend enough time on this board and you'll find out that pride has no gender boundaries.

Love,

COG
Posted By: AmyC Re: another article... - 08/22/07 11:26 PM
Quote:
Not to bash or stereotype the gentlemen here who are going through the same h*ll that we are, but I don't know that my H would ever come home, simply because of his pride. But you are thinking it would be the same man that would return and that is where you would be mistaken. For a WAS to turn around, you can not fathom the process that gets them to that place. Pride can be annihilated with just one moment of true clarity about ones self and situation. Pray he has not one, but many.

He is never wrong. NEVER. And, if by the off chance he had a bad day and was wrong, he would never admit it. And I don't just mean during his MLC - he has been blessed with being right his entire life.

When I try and fast forward (I know I shouldn't be doing this) to the part where he comes out of this fog, I don't see him saying, I was wrong to leave you. And to him, coming home would be exactly like saying that. It would be admitting to himself and others that he was wrong. Your focus is in the wrong place. If you stay in THIS place, you won't be prepared for his return. Thus you've made your own self-fulfilling prophecy. Your pride is in thinking you know what he's going to do based on history.
Posted By: w8ing Re: another article... - 08/22/07 11:55 PM
Sorry - COG - didn't mean to stereotype. You are right - pride is gender neutral on this board. I admit I was wrong to call it male pride.

Amy - you bring up good points - thanks!

Sorry KS for hijacking your thread!!
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: another article... - 08/23/07 12:44 AM
AmyC,

Could you check out the e-mail I sent to my ex-W and comment on it in that thread?

Thanks!

RMG
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