I am done with my own sulking and anger. Well,the anger needs work, its a daily job, but I am addressing it and I just want to move forward. I didn't say move on, but FORWARD. I feel better about saying that.
My other thread was titled with sadness, so I thought I;d start a positive one.
I'm tired of whining, and being sad, and hurting. Time to be happy again!!!
Like last night. Just laying there thinking about what happened. Thinking too much on the A.....and realizing it was only a 3 month band aid for her and the real problems surpass that with 10 years. So where is the real dilemma? Our long and rocky R, that's where.
She is doing what she wants to do, OK. I accept that, I don't like it but I accept it. What else can I do? Either sulk in my own pity or work at being happy again and NOT run from my problems. I keep hearing we have to be the sane ones. I believe that is true.
Focusing on the positive is good medicine.
Hey Ben....
The Columbian Princess can be yours AFTER I get her to pose for me so I can paint her. In the flesh.
OK, I am just going to update myself here.....I forgot I was supposed to take my daughter to my W's place this morning on my way to work. I was sooo exhausted yesterday the whole dropping off thing just slipped my mind. I am new to this also. But I had SS at the house and I got him up to help clean the house, and watch my daughter for when W would arrive.
So I called her, she was also exhausted and didn't sleep all day - but kept fixing her place up, and she was still sleeping when I called. Also, my daughter gets up late and its hard to wake her most of the time.
But I called my W and told her I took care of our daughter, she was awake, ate breakfast, and was watching cartoons while SS was taking care of her. W was going to have her during the day anyway. I think she is more flexible than I thought, but I need to be the one to set timely boundaries since I am so busy.
I have online classes again, trying to recover from my loss of getting dismissed last term from my old school because my head was way up my a$$ and I was hurting more and a real mess back then. Now I got myself together and started with a new school, but still online. I am also starting up a company that I can use my artistic talents and all of my online education in multimedia to get up and running. I don't want to work at my current job forever, and be at the same pay level. I need to do something better and different with my life and be able to provide a better future for my daughter and myself, because my W won't - or can't - unfortunately.
So I have high expectations of myself now, from parenting, to handling my W better as a friend only, to becoming a business owner.....and just having great relationships....but my daughter is at the center of it all. She will need me to be there for her, and a good provider and mentor.
Sounds like you're doing well, Sol. Keep it up.
Hi Sol,
Just stopping by to say "Hi!"
So I have high expectations of myself now, from parenting, to handling my W better as a friend only, to becoming a business owner.....and just having great relationships....but my daughter is at the center of it all. She will need me to be there for her, and a good provider and mentor.
I love this for you. The more you can take the pressure off your R and focus on yourself, the happier and more in-control you will be. Good luck!
Thanks Mike and Aud!
Today my W called me at work. She just called to say "hi". Before< i would have been all emotional about it, but it was nice that she called. I guess she misses me now that she is on her own - sort-a-speak. It was a nice gesture on her part - but that is all I am seeing it as.
I am just a friend to her for now, and nothing more. No sense in getting all emotional all over again right? Already been down that road. If I didn't know better, I'd say I was DBing by taking care of myself. But that is all I can do anyway - take care of me.
Oh, she did invite me to have dinner with our daughter. I picked them up at her place, went to a Vietnamese restaurant near her place, has a nice time, and then I took her back and I went home with my princess. I am spending a quiet evening with my daughter just watching some movies and relaxing.
That sounds like a good baby step, indeed.
Sounds great Sol. Enjoy these kinds of moments, they mean so much more now don't they! Treasure them when they happen. You sound like you are in a good space right now, great work. Look after Sol and you are looking after the sitch.
It is a challenge, I have my ups and downs but I try to let the downs come and go quickly. I just look back at my W and my sitch and I remember the problems that led us here. Even though she seems like she's trying to "be good", and we actually get along a bit better, I am not forgetting that she too needs to work on her issues - they are still there.
I ask myself if I can take her back, and I say no - not the way she is. I get lost sometimes in my own emotional inadequacies, but I try to get back on track. As far as my W goes - she's still looney, and I still need to work on myself.
I have a question about going dark.
I haven't done that and I am reading up on it.
Has anyone here gone completely dark before? My W still calls and invites me out, but she complains that I am not doing a thing in contributing to "winning her back."
I don't want to "win" her back.....she's a mess! I want for her to work on HER issues as I am working on MINE.
But I need some help. I am all ears.
Sol, why go dark? What would be the purpose? If she's contacting you and reaching out, why the "go dark" stuff on your part? She ain't gonna be perfect for a long time (who am I kidding, ever) but you don't have to accept every invitation, you can be mysterious and probably the fact that she thinks you're not trying to win her back is a good thing. Don't respond to everything that comes out of her mouth, set a plan and stick to it. Again, she's the one reaching out and worrying about your lack of response. I say that's good! Stick to what's working. Often people on the BB want to go dark to punish or get back at the spouse which is bad, bad, bad! I'm not saying that is you, but think through why you would want to use this tactic, what would it do for your sitch?
I guess I can just keep with the best plan in my current sitch - Getting A Life. It's what I've been doing for the most part, but I haven't really committed to GAL yet.
Someone told me that I should go dark, to "firmly" stand my ground. But I thought about going dark to simply be more mysterious, just to keep her guessing if she made the right choice....not sure if that is the best of tactics - but what I see is that she is trying, for whatever reason. I don't really get her, and I don't need to concern myself with that. I just want to be in a better place - which is a good goal I think.
I have my 3rd IC session next week, and my first meeting with a psychiatrist the following week that will get me on some AD's.
My W just came by this morning, to pick up my daughter and she waited on the sofa. I told her I was going to take a quick shower.
When I came out, she was gone. I didn't get a chance to say "bye" to my daughter. How nice of her.
Then I called her and I let her know what she did and that it wasn't proper for her to do that. SHe said she was tired and hungry, blah blah, but I reminded her that I want to say "bye" to my daughter whenever she leaves the house......I let my daughter say "bye" to my W when I pick up my daughter, why can't she? - Oh, maybe because she thinks she is controlling the sitch and she can do whatever she wants?
Well, I am trying to set some hard boundaries here. Like, if I am in the shower, and she isn't here yet, she won't get in because the locks are going to be changed. She can't just come into the house on her own now, can she?
In order for this never to happen again, I need to set boundaries with her and I need to change those locks. I haven't done so out of pure courtesy, but this is one of those things that would piss off any sane parent raising a child.
I am trying to be firm from now on. If I had my own apartment, she wouldn't be able to get in without my consent. Same principle in my house then, right?
My W did apologize for what happened this morning.
I later called her and I told her I have Friday and Monday off (forced vacation days - use them or lose them sitch)....and she asked what I wanted to do. I told her we can spend time together with our daughter and go see a movie or do something fun. I just want to be sure I get time with my daughter, but also don't want to give W the wrong impression that I am avoiding her.
I really don't know what she is going through, or why she even bothers making an "effort" to be nice. I guess if we end up splitting up then its best to remain civil and friendly and share our duaghter.
I have no set plans for Friday, but I am just going to wing it. The movies sound like a nice idea....I'm sure my daughter will get to pick it.
OK, my hopes are getting up again.
My w is starting to fall at the seams, or so it seems. I am not concerned at this point. She chose to live the way she is living.....and NOT acting married.
I, on the other hand, am realizing that things are going better for me, despite the separation. I am cooking again, and realizing that I am able to pay the bills and have some left over. I need to keep doing what I'm doing.
I also realized that I am "living on the fun side of the island". If me and my crazy W were stuck in Madagascar, I would do what Marty the zebra did......make it better for me while she complains and moans about how "bad" she has it.
Oh, and you don't swallow the salt water......
Don't fall in Sol, keep your guard up buddy.
She is not to be trusted..... and you know it
Ian
I obviously don't trust her while she is living like she's totally independent from me.....which she is, but she's still M to me.
I didn't trust her when she was at the house, I sure as hell don't trust her now. She could be doing anything she wants at her place - or nothing at all. It doesn't really matter, does it?
But I am feeling good about ME. Even my friends are saying I need to take care of me now - because that is all I can do.
She's not happy - I can tell. She can't even afford her first cable TV bill. She truly is on the pessimist side of the island.
Yup, let her squirm for awhile, DO NOT rescue. We guys just love to jump in and rescue but don't do it! Let her live the life for now.
Oh, I was tempted to help her with some money for missing out on a day of work last Sunday to be with me at a friend's house. Then I changed my mind - she needs to learn and experience what it's like to live independent of me. She chose to go, when she knew she needed to sleep that day and work that night. She missed out on work, now she is working on her night off to make up for it.
Her choices. I told myself that I am not going to give her a penny while she lives her own life apart and is realizing the reality of the true cost of living by yourself. I am trying to pay all the bills here at home, I don't need to help her pay hers.
I'm a sucker for helping people, and she complains that I don't like to do anything and I'm a boring person? I think she knows my capacity to care - she just hates it when she can't have her way - like me not agreeing on her plans to make OM my brother-in-law with her younger sis. She'll still lash out at me when she sees me making a change.....like buying groceries for myself and actually cooking real food - she hates that I am able to cook now, and brings up something negative from the past.
I am just looking at her thinking.....it must be really miserable being on that side of the island.
Oh, I am taking my daughter someplace fun this weekend, probably on Sat evening. I still want to make an all day trip to the Aquarium with her and look at the sharks and other exotic creatures. It's a blast hanging out with an 8 year old and doing the things kids love to do!
I am changing the locks on the house now.
My W crossed the last boundary, thinks she can ride me whenever she wants, and still pushes buttons.
I don't know what set me off this morning, but she pushed and pushed about some bills on the table, she watches TV like its still her damn house.....
Well, I couldn't hold it in anymore and I just went off on her like world war 3. I think that there is no way we can work on things like this if SHE does not want to. I want this nonsense to end, and I don't think I have the patience to wait on her and run up new bills. The person that is suffering right now is my 8 year daughter, no thanks to my messed up W telling her things that are not true. I know my part in this, I take blame for being a jerk in the marriage, but I didn't have an affair, and never will as long as I am married still. Right now I really hate my W for doing what she's doing, what she did, but I also dislike myself for letting this get this far.
I need to re-group.
I'm sadly jealous of you Sol. I feel like if I could get mad at my W then at least I'd get some movement. Right now I just sit and take everything she dishes.
Well, I talked to my W and she told me that my daughter was crying because she thinks we are moving away and she won't see her mom. I asked my daughter who told her this and she said it was my W that told her, so my daughter didn't here it from me.
I then asked my W why she said that to my daughter, my W responded that she told her that "to see how my daughter would react".
My W is F*(^&%ED UP in the head!!!!! She is USING my daughter as a wedge now, which makes it wrong. I will avoid any more fights as much as I can, and I will just live my life as if I am no longer married. Granted I will not date or even cheat while I am legally married, my M is DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!! - but this is too much for me.
My W has crossed too many damn lines now, and I am suffering for it? Well, my little girl DOES NOT need to suffer like me. My W is truly freakin out there man!
My W broke it to S15 last night that mom and dad are never getting back together. My son suffers from some major depression and anxiety issues anyway. He melted down. Threw a plate at his grandmother. Rage in it's pure form.
I don't understand how a mother can put her selfishness over three other souls, especially two that she brought into this world.
I had a moment and got angry and emailed her to that fact. She said I was just making a guilt trip. And I told her that no, I was calling her on her behavior and it's impact. I came from a divorced family. I know the pain and anger that manifest. I am ready to tackle that with my children because I did everything that was possible to prevent this. She however, does not have room to say that.
My W simply came from an abusive childhood, but her parents are still married - too many kids. Out of all of her 8 sisters, my W is the most violent one, she manifest her anger verbally, lashes out at everyone, and I lived with her like this for 10 years now.
I am sick of her, and of this dead-end R.
Kids do not need to be in the middle of it. My W will lash out again when I serve her the papers. For all I can tell, she deserves to be with that loser and then she'll know what it's like to be cheated on. I am still pissed off over this morning...but I held in a lot of anger and resentment.
I wish I could get mad and stay that way..things would be much easier. Instead..I beat myself up.
Lashing out like they lash out is not really the best way to approach things.
Right now my W is calmed down - and being "nice" - and she's making ME look like I am the crazy one - even though I have all this anger inside with no way to unleash it.
Maybe I need to take my W out for some paint-ball war games??? I'll tell her it doesn't hurt....
Sol, consult an attorney before you change those locks. It may not be legal because you are still married. Just giving you a heads up.....
Ian
I also need to find out whether or not she abandoned us too. She just got up and left, made the choice as if she was single and completely independent. Oh well, not my concern anymore is it?
Instead of changing the locks, I can install a security system to the house, we don't have one, so I think I am entitled to protecting my home and reporting my new system to my home owners insurance for a discount on my policy? That way I will know for sure who goes in and who goes out. It's a bit to spend, but I can make it happen.
I just see that my W is not respecting any of my boundaries, like I am some joke to her to control and manipulate.
I am trying to compose myself some. I went out for a walk and had lunch by myself at the mall. I also hit the Discovery Store and they had a closing out sale, I got some fun toys for me and my daughter to play with - they are for her.
I am thinking about all the negative crap my W has done over the years. I know that I had a part in it too, but thinking about what a bitch she was is helping me to forget about her.
Today I went to pick up my daughter, and I didn't say a word to her, I just waited outside her sh***y porch. My daughter took a while to come outside, but I waited patiently, and waited some more. My daughter finally came out, and I just walked to the car with her.
Next time I will just say "hi" and "bye" to my wife, and nothing more.
My daughter told me today that perhaps I need to marry someone else so I won't fight with "mommy" anymore, and my daughter said she was OK with me being with someone else. It was her own little thought. I asked her if my wife had something to do with this, but she said no, so even my little girl sees that I don't get along with "mommy" and I would be happier being with someone new. Kids are smarter than we think. Perhaps there is a great deal of wisdom in my little 8 year old's brain.
I have thought about this for a while, I know Ian will chime in and say his piece.
I am going dark.
Reasons?
*Too many confrontational arguments over petty stuff
*W likes to badger me and push my buttons
*I let her (need to control myself)
*W still wants to control her H.....ME, and the sitch
*I hate this separation
*I need time alone to reflect and calm down a lot more
*I have too many things going on
*She makes herself at home in the house and still has a trailer to retreat to
*Sex is out the window (but that's a given when she left and stopped going to therapy to work on the M)......I just had to throw this one in there....
I am not going full-blown dark, but dark enough to not deal with her if I don't have to. No more going out, shooting the breeze, nothing. Just "hi" and "bye". I can't even stand to enter to run-down mobile home. She has all kinds of guys over to "help her fix the place up". I see that she is capable of taking care of herself, yet she constantly nick picks at me when there is no need to - again, it comes down to her wanting "control" of me.
Besides, I am still P.O.ed by all of this, and I need a break from her. I am also trynig to figure out if I want to be with her at all. I am finding out that there is too much irreparable damage, and I would be insane to stay with her anyway. I am thinking long and hard.
I have thought about this for a while, I know Ian will chime in and say his piece.
I am going dark.
Reasons?
*Too many confrontational arguments over petty stuff
*W likes to badger me and push my buttons
*I let her (need to control myself)
*W still wants to control her H.....ME, and the sitch
*I hate this separation
*I need time alone to reflect and calm down a lot more
*I have too many things going on
*She makes herself at home in the house and still has a trailer to retreat to
*Sex is out the window (but that's a given when she left and stopped going to therapy to work on the M)......I just had to throw this one in there....
I am not going full-blown dark, but dark enough to not deal with her if I don't have to. No more going out, shooting the breeze, nothing. Just "hi" and "bye". I can't even stand to enter to run-down mobile home. She has all kinds of guys over to "help her fix the place up". I see that she is capable of taking care of herself, yet she constantly nick picks at me when there is no need to - again, it comes down to her wanting "control" of me.
Besides, I am still P.O.ed by all of this, and I need a break from her. I am also trynig to figure out if I want to be with her at all. I am finding out that there is too much irreparable damage, and I would be insane to stay with her anyway. I am thinking long and hard.
Your right Sol, I will chime in. I will tell you that it is about fricken time dude. Go as dark as humanly possible. Only interact on a need to basis, kid swapping and such.
Not for nothing, but maybe quit thinking for a while dude. You don't have to decide anything right now. You just need to get some space and let her be her crazy self. You will know in your heart when it is over for you and it is "irreparable" until then, just quit worrying about it.
If I were you I would move on with my life, don't start dating or anything, just move on as if your done and get your life the way you want it. In the end you will know if it is over.....
Ian
I am closer to finding out if this is over. I have been a "nice guy" to her for too long, survived her affair, outbursts, blaming, and now this separation.
A friend of mine asked me why would I want her back - or why would I still want to be with her? Well, I don't want her back and I don't want to be with her anymore. If her move out wasn't obvious to me, it is now. Even my SS and daughter are telling me that I should marry someone else and forget about my W!!!! MY OWN KIDS!!!!
That says something about my W and the kind of person she is - she is just not good relationship material, neither was I but now I know what I want from a R, and I know what I need to do to make my next one better than I ever hoped for. At least that is my plan.
Today my W told me something that hit home, she said she would never come back, not to the house and surely not to me. A mutual friend tells me to ignore her and continue with what I am doing to keep busy. Well, I am keeping busy and getting ready to move on with my life, but I need to close this chapter, however unfortunate it was for both of us, and go on. I already got my daughter's blessing to find someone else (in good time), and my SS is saying to "dump my W" and go find a hot, smart, and loyal woman that won't cheat. Wouldn't that be something?
I am NOT going to date anytime soon - that time will come and I will know when I can date. I just want to end this the RIGHT way, and not do what my W did and run into someone else's arms.......she is taking more of her things from here, and I am seeing the outcome of our M. It is simply ending, and she will not be leaning on me anymore. I have my atty, I am filing for D but creating a separation agreement (90% of the D). My daughter reminded me again to just find someone else to marry - there is wisdom in her words, and her young innocent mind.
So with this, I want to say thank you to all that have helped me along my journey. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, or what reality dictated to me, but I am staring reality in the face and accepting what I need to do. This is my life, I want to make it great! I only have one time to be here on Earth, and I don't want to waste a single minute more. I want what a lot of people want - to be happy in life. Any other way to be is not good for the human heart.
I will not be posting as much, but I will stop by and check in on my friends on these boards. God bless everyone on here that is struggling. My heart goes out to all of you.
Thank you.
Sol, I hear anger talking again. Your W is a woman with many problems, very true. I agree with your friend just keep on doing what you are doing and stop fretting about whether you want her back, she doesn't even want back yet! Take care of you, Sol. Stop basing your every move on what she says and does, that is reactive and will not help you move on to where you need and want to be. Just my two cents. That said, I think all of us will support you in whatever you do chose to do, you've been through an incredible emotional turmoil. We all gotta do what we gotta do. Take care, Sol.
Whatis.
Yes, I am upset. I am sick of where I am in my marriage. Right now I am not as angry as I was this morning, or last week. I am just looking at the bigger picture. There is nothing but more turmoil if I continue on with my wife in this marriage. My counselor told me, my friends tell me, even my kids tell me to move on.
I am sorry but I cannot change her, fix her, or make her love me. She is lost, and she doesn't want me as her mate. She says she sees me as another human being, so there's no emotional connection for me, she had an affair, fell in love with another, and now she lives alone in a trailer can.
I am suffering for no reason but my own blindness......there is nothing there, and I know that this place is about saving a marriage - but I don't want to save it anymore. Reality is that we are not compatible - but hostile to each other. She was hostile to me when we dated - I made an innocent comment about her son she left in Mexico when he was 2, and she took offense, and in her anger I got to see the bitter wife I would get to know for the next 10 years.
So I can safely say that I am thinking clearly, not in anger, but I am tired from all of this and to remain together is a recipe for disaster. My eyes are opened, that's all.
I hope you can see I am not merely giving up on my marriage, but realizing that it is not worth saving - not for more years of an incompatible relationship.
I am not being selfish either in saying I want and need to be happy - that is just the human factor. I know what I don't want, and I want what I don't have - a loyal and loving partner in life.
That's it.
I am just moving on. Just moving on........
Sol, don't get me wrong, moving on is a great idea! What it means is you are choosing to detach yourself from your W's insanity and build your life based on your own needs. Do it. One of the big drawbacks for you, IMHO, is that you base so much on her actions versus your own choices. Be yourself Sol, re-build and be happy. If she wants in then let her earn it, that is no longer your priority...that is good stuff! Now, a word of caution, stay away from women for a while, even casual dating. It is very confusing and you are in no shape to make good decisions at this point. It's so understandable that you would want to feel desired when you've had your self esteem demeaned by the one you've loved for so many years. So enjoy pretty smiles, recognize the flirting, feel good about it but wait for a while. Trust me, I know on this one!
Hey Sol,
Whatisis is right, you need to detach from your wife. You are still reacting to things she does and comments she says. I find this was the toughest part of the whole process for myself personally. I would detach from my H's comments, and then he would just find a slew of new ones to cut me down and that kept me in a bad place.
I am finally getting to the end of my journey with this. I am now finally able to talk to my H now and when he starts with anything hurtful, I am able to understand why he says these things, and not react. It is a really good feeling. Anger is not really part of my life any longer and that is a really BIG 180 for me.
These things take time Sol, time, patience, and discussion with your C and others here. You will get there.
Take care
I need to get away from her and learn to be still at her comments......and her tactics.
She lashes, and when she sees I am upset and angry with her, she backs away and starts being nice again....
Not a good cycle. Well, she is becoming more of an annoyance to me, and I am trying to ignore her. I just don't want anymore contact or talks with her whatsoever.....
I need to re-learn patience and diffuse my anger, right? But this marriage is dead, it ended a few years back.
So I am starting over...
Just wanted to post that my separation is going better - I am just making new friends of quality - pursuing those friendships, keeping busy with an 8 year old, and ignoring my wife by being vague about what I do.
I have learned to not divulge any information about my life now - we're separated and she chose to leave. I am just letting her get a taste of what it's like to be alone - just like I am getting. The more time a separation goes on, the greater the risk of going separate ways. I am just learning to have fun on my own, having better days, and not worry so much about what the future brings....because I will make sure that good things happen from now on.
Also getting more attention from females now - but keeping my distance. Oh, and it's good to be noticed!
My wife has taken my daughter out of her old school and she is placing her in a new school near her tin can of a mobile home park.
I hate to say how pissed I am, but she is taking steps to get me pissed the hell off and it makes me want to fight her on custody!!!
My "cool head" tells me to let this slide, and get divorced in 6 months, then deal with custody later to avoid waiting 1 year to get divorced and raking up $200/hour legal fees.
I am so pissed off at her that I am ignoring all of her attempted calls to me! She's a f*cking B*&ch!!!!
Yep - THAT'S the anger talking right there!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to go have a beer now~
Being a public school and your wife signing her up, your daughter has to go to the school within the boundary lines. She didn't do this to aggravate you, I imagine. This is if its a public school. You are saying this before bringing both schools up and looking at their ratings? See how they compare and then complain on how bad it is. It maybe a better school. Your assuming since its by a tin can, its a worse school. Before jumping the gun check it out.
Where I am at, the schools are so crowded that if you are not in school of choice already, you have to go to the school assigned to your area. So first check the school out according to the ratings and then you have some cards to deal with. Also transportation is on you if your not in district.
You have to learn to deal with your wife calmly and in good terms in order to get what you think is best. By getting angry enough not to talk is just telling her to go ahead and do it your own way.
Joyful.
My daughter already goes to a better school - her old 1st grade teacher even told me so. My wife moved out of the house on her own, I didn't tell her to move out. Her reasoning for changing her schools is that there would be no one to pick her up when my daughter gets home. I don't get home till 2 hours after school is out, and while this may sound like a good reason to change her schools, its not the best reason. My wife wants more control over my daughter, that's what I see.
But what really ticks me off is that she MADE A DECISION about my daughter's upbringing WITHOUT MY CONSENT or DISCUSSING it with me. This is why I am angry.
I just talked to my wife about this, and even though she sensed I was angry, she didn't comprehend the important little detail about talking with me whenever my daughter's well being is concerned. She told me she was "sorry" for not talking to me about the change in my daughter's school - she said that she thought I already knew!!!!!!!! She's calling the shots without me - it is not right! Or should I just let her make all the parenting decisions on her own?????????
We are sharing JOINT VISITATION rights with our daughter on our own terms. NOTHING is on paper......YET.
We don't have a separation agreement, we are still married, but I am still an equal parent to my daughter, same as my wife is. I don't care if my wife lives apart - she told me she is never coming back to me but she wants to continue in this "civil" married relationship with me without living together. Well, I am moving on with my life, and if I am going to be married to a wife, I think she should be living in the same house as I live in - otherwise, we should be divorced. My wife wants me as a friend only, still wants to be married to keep me around, but said she is never coming back to live with me. I call that a shame marriage - well, it's not even a marriage at all.
I am a bit calmer now. I just wish my estranged wife will let me in on how she plans to raise OUR daughter.
When you arrange custody stuff you need to put that clause in there about making it a joint decision not just her opinion is the only one.
I understand your frustration cause she shouldn't tell you like its a done deal, she should tell you about the problem with picking her up after school and let it go to you as to how. If you can't come up with an idea, then moving her to the other school would be the last option not the only one.
Would your daughter have bus service or an after school program she can go to so you maybe able to pick her up later? I know our schools have asp which is after school program that watches them after school till 6 o'clock. Tell your wife you will look into it before she changes the schools.
Don't rely on the first grade teacher about the quality of the schools. Pull it up online and have a copy of it. You know for court purposes if needed. Each school gets graded accordingly.
My daughter's current school is a top rated S.O.L. school. It's in a better and safer community than where my wife is currently living, and they have an after school program there.
My wife wants to use her residence to use against me later in a custody battle because we had agreed that our daughter would continue at her current school and that my place would be her primary residence. Why else would she change schools?
Everyday that my wife comes to visit she takes something from the house that belongs to her, and it's a given sign that she is not coming back. She even told me directly that she is never coming back to ME or to the house. Now she's alone, her own son doesn't want to live with her, so my wife is now desperate to take something from me too - our daughter.
I am not continuing this charade without a legal separation agreement.
You need to have a discussion with her - get your cards out on the table. Calmly discuss school placement, etc. and explain (calmly) that these decisions should be made after a discussion between both of you..
SOL, absolutely get a legal seperation. Also make sure you document that she moved out and left your D with you. You may have an abandonment situation that you can use to dictate your D's school. Talk to your lawyer Sol, find out the best way to proceed and then take the neccesary steps.
Ian
My daughter's current school is a top rated S.O.L. school. It's in a better and safer community than where my wife is currently living, and they have an after school program there.
My wife wants to use her residence to use against me later in a custody battle because we had agreed that our daughter would continue at her current school and that my place would be her primary residence. Why else would she change schools?
Everyday that my wife comes to visit she takes something from the house that belongs to her, and it's a given sign that she is not coming back. She even told me directly that she is never coming back to ME or to the house. Now she's alone, her own son doesn't want to live with her, so my wife is now desperate to take something from me too - our daughter.
I am not continuing this charade without a legal separation agreement.
I am not disputing the schools but offered advice as to printing out the stats for your future reference to show it. To show your Daughter was in a great school and your W took her out without your permission to a worse school. Now your child should come b4 anyone and she should have the best that you both can offer. So printing out the stats of the schools to show the difference in quality will show your wife doesn't have your D's best interest and is doing things without your permission. Do you not have to sign something in order to transfer schools? I thought both parents do....but that might only be if Divorced but you should check into why the schools allowed this change without your permission.
OK, I'm more calm now. My wife is not coming back to me. I am separated without a separation agreement and that is not good business sense. I am talking to her about our daughter's schooling, and which home will be her main residence.
I know one thing, that we are incompatible, and there is no love anymore between us. My wife cares for me only as the father of my child, no more. So I am moving on, getting a separation agreement, and divorcing her. My marriage is over, but my own life is just beginning.
I will post more as things progress.....
Just a quick update.
I am not supporting my wife in her separation or in allowing her to change my daughter's school. She wanted me to give her gas money so she can get her ass out of bed and drive to my house to pick up my daughter - if she continued to go to the same school.
She wants to yank her out of a good school so she won't be inconvenienced by driving all the way here. Well, SHE was the one that moved out, now she's trying to take my daughter out of her school AND her main residence.
Now, while this is a big concern for me, I am getting divorced because I don't want my crazy wife back anymore. It's a disaster of a marriage - no one here can convince me otherwise. My wife breaks plates, she screams at me and the kids, she had an affair - that I unknowingly financed, I am paying for the entire house that she has 1/2 claim on, she keeps taking things out of the house everyday, she told me she would never come back to me or to the house, now she wants me to be her "buddy"?
I can do better.
Good for you bud. Sounds like you are making the best decision for your family. I will be there right along with you pretty soon
Good luck. BM07
OK, going through some weird times now.
I go and pick up my daughter just about every day after work. I arrive at her place and I wait outside. Wife usually invites me in but now I am just telling her "thanks but no thanks" (I hate her place). She always kisses our daughter "bye". Some days I am able to leave without any response from her - I am not expecting anything.....but some days she reaches out for a "hug" and even a "kiss".
I am not being turned by her, I have made up my mind, and the reasons are stated above (gotta love the boards for re-reading my posts!) I just find it weird that she wants to keep me guessing and acting warm to me when in fact she lives in her own place. Just freakin nuts I think!!! And I know she is still not right in her head........
Anyway, I am happy that I have direction in my life, even with a divorce that's waiting to happen. I am doing better at work, and doing a good job of not thinking about my wife since I made a personal choice to move on.
My crazy wife is now referring to me as her XH. Not H, or separated, but already calling me her X. How weird is that? Not much, considering she is not right in her head yet....she's bitter, jealous, and is still not happy - yet she acts "normal" around me, but I can sense when she's upset about something - she'll quickly get angry, raise her voice, and start blaming and lashing.....of course she still believes everything's my fault....she's not to blame at all.
This is what I am putting up with. I'm just trying to be the sane parent for my daughter. W is still confused about where my daughter will go to school. I told her that she needs to be in her current school, where her friends are, she gets good grades, and they identified her as being gifted. The city schools here are much better than the next city where they are struggling in the school system. Where my D is at is a much better school. W still complains about not having any gas money to pick her up (lame excuse), she's complaining she's broke (she has money in the bank - I saw), and she refuses to take my daughter when I need time to study - but I can fix this easily.
All in all, she's still nuts. Doesn't look at herself at all, and even her own co-workers are starting to see her irrational behavior regarding her marriage. Her own kids don't like being with her, so that should tell her something - she pointed this out to me one time and said she can't figure out why her own son doesn't want to be with her, but prefers his step-dad: Me.
I'm doing better at detaching, sometimes her craziness is too much for me, and that's when I need to ignore her more. My biggest concern will always be the welfare and care of my daughter, she's way too young and she needs her mom and dad, or at least one sane parent. I'm just trying to do the best, sometimes I wonder if I can do more.
I am starting divorce proceedings. I am also in a financial mess, and I want my W's name off of the mortgage or I want to sell the house. I cannot afford to buy her out, and I want to divide everything once and for all.
I am seeing my lawyer again next week and paying for the service. My W just cannot keep her word, and she constantly lies about her own finances.
I know that I should try to keep the house and keep my daughter in the same area. I just want to let go of my wife for good. As long as we stayed married and separated, she will keep using my daughter as a pawn against me.
I just need more advice about whether I should sell this house or not. Again, I cannot afford to refinance it and buy her out.
Just wanted to add that I am moving back to SURVIVING. I no longer want to be with my wife.