To anyone out there... - DivorceBusting.com

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Instead of hijcaking anyones post, I figured I would start a new one.

I don't know where to start today. Everything seems so hopeless. Things were going pretty good for the last week, I was finalizing getting things together this weekend, to separate and try to work on my M in time.

Now, it seems as if I am too late.

My H told me lats night he has fallen in love with another woman, yet again. They have been talking over the internet for 2 weeks (ever since we decided to separate), and he told me last night that he is in love with her.

She is married, with a young child, and lives 3,000 miles away.
Her H ships out to Iraq soon.

Regardless if this is just a fantasy or not, this is the third time this has happened. The pathing is identical, but he tells me that this time it is different.

I don't know what to feel. I am just so lost. It feels like all of the hope I have been holding on to for the last 2 year, is gone in a heartbeat.

Not becaue my H feels this way, I am glad he is happy, I have not seen him this happy in a very long time.

But because, even if this just is a fanatsy, even if she tells him that she is married, and it can never be...

I can not go back to H again, and continually be second place for him. That if his feelings with this woman are not returned, that he still has me waiting to give my heart back to him.

I feel as if I will not survive the day, but I know I will.

I need to start focusing on me again.
I need to find myself help to get through this.
I need to find a friend.

It is quite literally my darkest hour, and I could really use some words of inspriation right now....

Sigh - I'm sorry. This is a hard time.

I know you need words of encouragement and we're all here for you.

One thing you need to consider is what you deserve. You've already stated some of what you don't deserve. You deserve to be first place.

Now - considering your H........he's fallen "in love" in TWO WEEKS with a married woman...

What an @$$.

I'm here for you - although it'll be sporadic today. Keep your chin up sweetie and focus on you because you WILL get through this.

If you want to email me, you can - aprile78@hotmail.com

Sigh,

I've been having a hard weekend myself, so I'll be around here during the day. I wish I had some magic words that would make you feel better, because I'd use them on everyone else here too.

I guess all I can say is the same thing that all my friends keep saying; it will get better in time. Sorry it's not very much but I hope it does help at least a little bit.

Sigh,

I know it may not be much of a comfort, but know that there are others who have been down the same road. A person who thinks they can fall in love/be in love in two weeks over the internet is a person I would say has very little idea of what love really is. Especially if this is happening over and over again. if you are like me at all, you are now questioning whether he ever really loved you or not.It has taken m,e the last six months to basically accept that my W's own issues prevent her from feeling a true, deep love. Her love is forever superficial and transient.

For myself, I know I deserve more so my choices are to let go and find the person i deserve or to let go and hope that W finds the help she needs to be able to love truly and deeply. The fact that we have kids makes that choice harder but the first step is the same either way.

Thank you all for your kind words.

I really do appreciate it. All night I felt as if I was completely alone. now from your responses, it makes it a little easier.

Thank you all

It is a new day.

Last night my H and I talked. It was not an easy conversation.

I told him that I love him, regardless of what happens with this other woman. He is moving forward with whatever he has with this other woman. I wanted to beg and plead with him to stay, to try to work on us...

But what would that accomplish? Nothing. I tried to be strong and not cry, but that did not work so well.

He is blind by love at the moment. He thinks this person is "the one" because they are so similar....

My H is 35, she is 22...
She lives in the southern states, we live in Canada.

He now beleives the other two women he fell in love with was preparing him for this moment in his life. He said somethings that were very heartbreaking to me personally, but I could see his happiness in his eyes, I could see how this woman has changed him in such a short time...

Maybe they are meant to be together, who knows.

I am trying not to let my brain and thoughts of despair get the best of me. I have already invisioned them meeting, falling madly in love and him gone from me, forever.

Trying not to think these things, but as we all know it is hard.
He needs to do this, he needs to find out if what he feels is true. He needs to explore it.

All I could tell him, was I will suport you as much as I can, and that I hope he finds happiness in whatever he decides.

The one I truly feel sorry for is her H. He is a very jealous man and she will not tell him how she feels about my H. She is keeping it a secret. He will be blindsided, and by the time he knows of this, he will either be in Iraq, or getting ready to leave. He will be gone for 18-24 months. I pray for him.

Of course I played devils advocate with my H and told him her H has a right to know. BEFORE he leaves. It would not be fair to him in the least to get the "letter" while overseas. He said it was not the time to tell him anything yet, because it was so new.

They have a 1 year old daughter, and apparently, their marriage is not going well either. She is a very religious woman, and now is willing to throw away her beliefs, and her marriage.

I guess I just wasn't ready yet to hear all of this. I was still dealing with the separation. I will be fully moved into my new place tomorrow.

I made too many mistakes in my M. I neglected my H from the begining of the M, then to add insult to injury, completly loose my morals and have 4 affairs (3 sexual, 1 not). I broke every promise to him. To keep his heart safe, to be faithful, to put him first. I blew it all.

This morning I gave him the only thing I could...Forgiveness.

I told him I forgive him, for everything that has happened. The EA's, the rejection, whatever he felt that he did wrong, it was all forgiven. I did not want him to go into this new situation feeling guilt.

I am still a pretty big mess today, but not as bad as yesterday, and hopefully I will be a little stronger tomorrow.

Thank you for the e-mails UA and Jazz. I will probably be using them very soon...

And life goes on...

Sounds to me like your guy is shell shocked thinking the way he does! For someone to say that the other 2 women he "loved" prepared him for this moment is about like me saying, well the cheerios this morning for breakfast and the peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch prepared me for the steak I am having for dinner tonight. Stupid, plain stupid. Hope he keeps his head low in Iraq.

Originally Posted By: braveheart

For someone to say that the other 2 women he "loved" prepared him for this moment is about like me saying, well the cheerios this morning for breakfast and the peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch prepared me for the steak I am having for dinner tonight.

I will have to remember that one. Best line I've heard in a while $\:D$

Sigh, I am truly sorry you are going through this. Nobody deserves it. But your H has lost his mind if he thinks this 22 year old is his soul mate. They both have issues they need to deal with and are using each other to ease the pain. And you're right, the OW's H is about to have his whole world come crashing in and he doesn't even know it.

Hey, hang in there and be patient. This will not last! He will realize what a big mistake that he has made and he will come running back and then the power will be in your hands. He ought to be ashamed of himself. He doesn't deserve a good woman like you. Just look at him as a preference. GAL and do your best to detach. Start living as if you don't need him, you prefer him. Don't be available when he calls. Return calls, but be elusive.

Quick update:

Not much has changed with respect to my H, he is going "full speed ahead" with this OW. She told him yesterday that she brought him a promise ring...3 weeks meeting, basically it represents she will wait for him.

What a crock of S*^&

Then the next thing, she had the nerve to tell him that she wants to give him something I wouldn't, she wants to give him the son he always wanted!

A bit of background, I have a son, I was very young when I had him, and he is not biologically my H's, and is austistic. My son is not cabaple of a quote "normal" relationship.

I was destroyed by that comment.

I have been trying to be there to support him. It is just so damn hard. I feel like, as long as she is not available by phone or on line, then he will come talk to me.

It is hard when he calls me and says he needs to talk, and askes me to come over, and then I do and then she either calls or shows up on line and I am forgotten.

I feel like....second place, like I don't matter.

Last night was awful for me. Needless to say walking in on your H when he is MB to another womans picture, and talking to her on-line is not an easy thing, and was quite embarrasing for me as well.

This morning I woke up and got ready for work. I was just about to leave when he woke up and asked why I was leaving so early. I told him that I needed to. He sat there and said, I need to talk to you about something and apologize, please do not leave..

Stupid me, I stayed...

Only to hear how wonderful this other woman is, and no apology for whatever he was going to apologize for.

He "needed" to talk, and if I left, then I would have abandoned him. Ironic, he can do the same to me whenever he likes, but I do it and I am the bad guy. He asked me how it made me feel when I walked in on him last night, I told him, won't elaborate here, and I actually DIDN'T get angry (that is a big step for me)and all he could yell was "last night wasn't about you, it was about me. You have not changed in the least." and of course the typical "we are done, there is no more chances between us. There is no more us, you threw that away."

I can accept the fact we are done, as trust me I have not been at all good to him in this marriage. My affairs, my treatment of him, all of it.

But then, when I don't talk to him, he says it hurts him that I will not say how I am feeling, that I will not talk to him. This morning I just said, in a calm voice..

"Does it really matter? You have said we have no future and H and W, but as friends. So as my friend I am telling you I can not talk to you about how or what I am feeling."

Then he says, why can't you just be happy for me that I have found my dream, and that it makes me happy.

I responded, I am happy that you have finally found what you are looking for, I am happy for you, but it is still difficult to be happy for me at the same time, because of how I feel.

I left after that.

First thing I need to do tonight is go home, and get my sons things moved to my new place. Unfortunately that requires my H's help because I can not move the furniture on my own. So we will see how that goes.

Then I need to stop going over. Stop calling for a while, stop e-mailing, I need to do that for my own sanity. Chasing and wanting him at this point is pointless and useless.

I am in the midle of scheduling a councelling appointment. I have found a councellor that seems to be more focused on short term councelling ang coming up with strategies and solutions in dealing with problems. We shall see how that pans out.

Ok enough of the novel.

New very short term goal for today - not to initiate contact with H. This is going to be a very long, hard day $\:$$

Comments are always welcome, even if they are to slap a 2 X 4 over my head to get me to wake up $\:$$

It has been interesting the past couple of days.

Last night I went hom from work, gathered all of the remaining "necessities" and moved them out. H came home and noticed all of the things by the front door.

I was calm. He was not quite sure what to make of it.

H - You are acting strange, what is up with you?

Me - nothing, I am just trying to get my things together so I can get this move completed.

H - it is not a race to get out of the house you know, you are welcome to stay if you need to.

Me - I can not stay in this situation any longer as it is not good for me.

That is when it started....

H - It isn't healthy for you because you are jealous of OW.

Me - No, I am not.

H - You are not jealous at all? Not jealous that I am giving my love to another woman? That my attention is focused on her?

Me - will me being jealous change your opinion, your feelings toward OW? No, jealously only hurts me, and feeds negative feelings, and I refuse to go there.

That made him angry, and I think it hurt him.

Then the OW called, I tried to stay calm, but was difficult when he was complaining to OW that nothing has changed and that I am still the same old heartless b*&%$. I said some things, still in a calm voice (not yelling), and he basically ignored them, which is fine.

Then he helped me move some of my things.

Later, he says jokingly (I think),

H - don't worry, we will remain friends, and we can even have perks, we have somewhere to go if we need sex, I will need somewhere to come when I am stumbling home drunk and horney.

Me - No, there will be no sex involved.

H - So you won't have sex with me at all?

Me - Not unless it is good with, and for me.

Don't think he liked that much either. I could have said, if you need sex that bad, you better go buy a plane ticket to tenessee and see your OW, but that problaby would have ended badly.

So I spent the first night in my new home last night. It was tough, but I made it.

And life continues...

Wow.

Strong woman!

I'm proud of you.

BTW - what an @$$......

Ok so this weekend..big set back.

Did a back slide back into the stone ages $\:\($

My H wants to remain friends, which is a good thing, yet I am trying to deal with my own emotions, and not let him see me hurting, and the only time he seems to need to talk to me is about the OW and how happy she makes him.

Or that there is a problem between them.

I try to lend a compassionate ear, but sometimes it is very difficult. Last night I lashed out at him. He was angry. He says my comments "hurt him". Yeah...ok

He says I should not be hurt by his new found love and if I loved him, I would let him go and be happy for him. The ironic thing is, I am happy for him, yet still trying to deal with the fact that we are no longer married or together.

I really, really need to detach, I know it is easier said than done. I also need to go dark for a while. Unfortunaltey, he has my daughter, so it makes it a little more difficult.

I will just have to keep our conversations to our daughter and any issues that come up with her and leave the R talk alone.
He will see it as me being a cold heartless person again whom doesn't care, but there is not much I can do about that.

Hope everyones weekend was better than mine.

good morning sigh,

You know it is acceptible to set limits. He is still either looking for your approval or trying to get a reaction by talking about OW. So just set the limit by saying that conversation/discussion about OW is not acceptible and end any conversation that involves mention of her immediately.

I'd hug you if I could.

This sucks.

ARGH!!

Sorry gotta vent here...having a bad morning.

H sits there and says to me that his OW and him have the same view on love, and it is the only woman that has ever shared the same view as him. That you can not control whom you fall in love with...

Then she says, if your wife thinks she can conrol who she falls in love with, then she has never been in love.

I was like WTF!!!!

Some 22 year old kid is tellng me I have never been in love! While her H is away on training period for the army, she is talking to another man she has "fallen in love with" telling him I don't know what love is!!

Yes you can not control who you first fall in love with, typically it does "just happen", but after that first 6 months to a year, it does not remain a feeling but becomes a comittment.

BUT...if you are married, then you have a responsibility to your spouse to not go down that path.

Am I wrong in my thinking here? My H thinks I am.

According to my H, you can have affairs in a M as long is it is for love. For the right reasons...not just sex.

Geez...I need to detach from all of this nonsense!

umm he's a moron.

detach $;\)$

Originally Posted By: Sigh

According to my H, you can have affairs in a M as long is it is for love. For the right reasons...not just sex.

Easily the stupidest thing I've EVER heard. He has NO idea what love is. He's confusing it with lust.

Sorry, but your husband is an idiot. He's trying to hurt you by talking about the OW, stop letting him. Friends don't hurt their friends - he's full of crap.

You're right to detach, I'd say do it permanantly except where your D is concerned. At this point who cares if he thinks you're cold, he's a complete A$$.

Ok, I know we are all here to salvage our marriage...

When do you say enough is enough? I guess that is a personal choice to make.

H called me today, we got on the topic of the M (I should have known better) and he started in on his typical rant...

That I got everything I wanted out of this marriage and he got nothing. That I did everything wrong, and continue to do everything wrong.

I tried to explain to him, that if we both had gotten what we wanted out of this M, we would not be here right now. I do take alot of blame for our M problems, because I did cause a lot of them, but I can no longer shoulder all of it.

Going on about how in all of the 13 years, he got nothing and gave me everything. He gave I only took. He gave me a marriage, a daughter, did everything and it made no difference.

I have been nothing more than I paycheck! I did (unmentionalbe words) with other men, and they got the best part of me and he got nothing.

I basically had enough of his abuse and hurtful comments. I said
f&*k you and hung up. Not the most loving or compassionate response, but hey, I reached my point. I have tried for 18 months, and nothing has changed in the least.

These conversations always end badly. I am suppose to constantly give him a pound of flesh for my past actions, and be loving and compassionate towards him (which I have no problem with), but when he says things that are abusive and I try to convey that they hurt my feelings or how I am feeling about what he says to me...I get the "well you caused this, you did these things, now deal with the consequences"

If he can not forgive me, then fine, I tell him to move on with his life. Do what he needs to do. Then I get, this marriage meant so little to you you are just willing to give it up like that...No matter which path I take, it always is the wrong one to him.

I have a meeting with a lawyer next week to verify what my rights and responsibilites are during this separation.

I am just so tired of all of this...

Why does he keep coming back and talking about the M? Because he doesn't really believe it's over??? I don't know.

At this point, you have to detach, stop talking to him about the M and get yourself straight, nothing else will help right now, I don't think...

only you can say when enough is enough. It's very individual for us all. This book, this "system", this way of thought is very different for each of us.

Slow things down on your part. Take care of yourself first. Be ok with you. I'm struggling in this part myself right now.

I want things to move faster, but each timeline for everybody is different. Some timelines never end...just the facts.

From what you've said, you need to get ok with you. Do your 180's and maybe consider going dark on him.

Thanks JR an NM.

You are right, I need to stop discussing these things for now. I really need to figure some things out on my own. I need to stop this M talk.

He wants to be "friends", I said ok, but we need to stop discussing our M and past issues and just talk about normal things....

He said, never mind then, you are just a child support cheque for me, we can't be friends. I am now leaving this to him. He wants to call, he wants to talk, he can call me.

Going dark eh? Careful down this path. I think most important is to get yourself straight first. Shine.

I am not really going dark, more like a dark shade of gray $;\)$

The part I am going to go dark on is the R. If he calls and starts to discuss things, and they are obvoiusly going bad, I will just politely tell him that the conversation is over before it blows up into world war 3

Normally, we talk, he pushes, I remain patient, he pushes more, I get a little aggrovated, he pushes more and gets really hostile and before I know it I am getting defensive and the conversation is now an argument.

I have to stop these conversations from going down these paths when I start feeling aggrovated.

I am trying to get myself straight first. I hopefully will meet a new C this weekend (looks like some scheduling issues have come up). He is a cognitive-behavoiural theripist who focuses on strategies and solutions. We will see what happens.

I have to start to GAL. I am starting to feel really lonely and depressed recently. For the past 18 months I have pretty much been dedicated to my M without much freedom to do things for me. Trying to get out of that cycle is tough.