Hello
Brand new to thid forum. A good friend of mine from another forum suggested I come here. I am.in such a confusing situation. My H wont communicate about us since we've been separated. Only once after I went NC for about 2 months. Now we live day to day as a married couple living separately and im getting pretty fed up. I love him but his learning how to tell me what he feels is a deal breaker for me. He seems to be ok with how things are. He calls me at least 8-9 times a day. If I leave his apt and go home he does whatever it takes to get me back to his apt. We have frequent sex until hbp recently started causing ED . When i try and detach there's a problem...but yet he told me 6 months ago when I asked hom what we were doing and he said he's done. My life is in limbo. I want my marriage, but im also not gonna hang around forever. He cant talk about matters of the heart. He shuts down. Always has. If the marriage is worth saving I want to do just that. If not, I.need to know the indicators of what is telling me to move on. Everyone says his actions show he still loves me and wants to be with me. All I can see is someone being very stubborn and immature.
Can you tell us more about the good times in your marriage?
What do you think caused your husband to start behaving like this? Has he always been like this?
In your sugnature you indicate you are 35 and you have a 22 year old daughter? Is that correct?
Yes , my signature is accurate. There have been great times . The finances have dwindled which led us to begin blaming and building all sorts of resentments against one another. I am one who is like the matriarch of my family losing my mom two years ago and being the oldest of three girls. I've always took care of my family both immediate and extended. He began to not like my attention focused on anything outside of him.
We've always been each others backbone on things and this remains true today. We just have not made the move to say we will continue to work on this marriage. We have separate houses..but yet still basicly live together. When I try to go stay at my home he uses every opportunity to get me over to his. It's crazy. He has never been one who can discuss matters of the heart. Things are to just keep moving along and I no longer want to operate that way.
There was a lot of arguing over petty stuff, stone walling, and so on. Then he just up one day and said he was leaving. I'd told him several times before if you are this unhappy just friggin leave, so finally he did.
We went two months dark. I started talking to lawyers. He caught wind of it through his mom and asked that I not do that so early. I advised him that im not going to be one ofc those couples who go years living separately but still married. Well it seems thats where im headed.
Im some ways he has always been like this. He has always tried at least to compromise with me. I admit, im a tough cookie to deal with. Likewise to him, we always seem to balance and work it out though
I think at this point we know we love and want to be with eaxh other. This time though, he got his own place. Im sure he'sdone the I'm never going back story to his friends and fam (who all want us together) and is ashamed to find and admit that what he has done he is not as happy as he thought he'd be with it.
Learning how to compromise so that you both get what you need is a skill that most folks struggle with. If you haven't spoke to one of Michele's coaches, please call for more information. They are experts in helping you get clear on why things have gotten off track and what you can do immediately to interact with your husband in a way that is most likely to bring him closer and not push him any further away. The insights you will get and the direction will be invaluable in saving your marriage. Take care.
I know I can't afford to call. So guess I'll have to miss out on that expert help.
What are your 180's? Are you doing enough GAL? Do you feel the previous compromises were really compromises or one of you just giving in? what changed this time to make him get his own place?. What would you do differently if you could go back in time to prevent this from happening? And are you working towards those changes for the now?
My 180's are :
Not reacting to things said that I don't nenecessarily agree with. Pre180 I was volatile
Touching him more . The book 5 love languages taught. me more about his love languages.
Removing myself from performing tasks or matters for relatives and friends that don't directly concern me. Co dependency had me running a uphill marathon for any and everybody
That's it for the most part .
I don't know what GAL is....yet
Some was compromising some was giving in.
What changed this time with him getting his own place was me repeatedly telling him to leave if he's that unhappy. Finally he did. His family picked at him kinda saying he'd be right back home. So after staying with his family for a short while he got an apt.
The one thing i'd change if I could go back , would be reacting. I have a very strong personality unlike him. He's no wimp; but he's not verbal at all about matters of the heart. They are few and far between. So in a very heated argument. I'd pretty much always win. If I didn't or felt I didn't I would stonewall until did or said something to make me stop it. All bright on by my depression, grief, and past and present hurts that I want dealing with well. Of course he did lots to set me off. This is my admission of where I failed us.
Touching him more is not a 180. A 180 is distancing yourself from him, making yourself unavailable...so he will stop eating cake.
Why should he move home? He gets to live single and have you come over and 'service' him whenever he says so.
So is it reacting or is it compromising that's the problem? you admit that you pretty much always win, that's not a compromise.
Do you listen and validate his issues or argue till theres a winner, which is usually you? Have you ever just listened to what he wanted and let it go at that? Most people would call that control issues, you have to win so you can control the situation. Is this something your working on? or just something you've finally admitted too?
GAL= Get a life, one outside your marriage, the gym, going for a walk or run, going out with friends, picking up or starting a hobby.
What did you do to give in before?
I hope you don't throw the D word around like you were telling him before to just move out, or he might just take you up on it too. Take that word out of your vocabulary for now.
If he does things that set you off, you need to say "that really hurts my feelings, and in the past I didn't handle it well, but its something im working on." Don't put blame on him for doing it, just let him know it bothers you, and you think you can both can handle it differently. He does it cause he knows it gets to you.
The 5LL book is great, but in your situation how does he respond to you touching him? If its something he recoils from then stop or risk pushing him away further. I think he needs to see some of your actions, that he deems threats, to stop, and build some trust with you that you wont throw it at him like that again.
IMO, you say you wont wait around forever, and im not telling you too. BUT, what you don't understand is theres still issues your going to have to address, or your just gonna take them into your next relationship as well. So why not, if you want to save your marriage, work on them now.
His emotional withdraw might be from some childhood issues, but you admit your a tough cookie. Maybe the way you approach issues needs to change so that he'll feel more comfortable being able to talk to you about the problems. You need to listen and validate, not stonewall, rugsweep, and tear into what he has to say.
And finally, patience, the mother of all anxiety. You cant put a time frame on a resolution, you cant make changes just cause you think it MIGHT bring him back. You need to make these changes cause you know they're problems and need to be addressed.
I hope some vets chime in here soon, and give you some better advice. Know that your not alone, know we all want your marriage fixed. That its gonna take some time and lots of patience. Be positive and don't get down when having a bad day.
Get out and GAL, take care of yourself with proper eating/diet and a good nights sleep.
Good luck
GAL = Get A Life.
The idea of GAL is to start building a new life for yourself, one that doesn't revolve around your husband.
It helps build self esteem and makes you more ofvan interesting oerson, there by making your husband more intrigued as to how the 'new' you is or would be in a 'new' marriage.
What are your kids opinions or comments or concerns over what is happening between you?
You need to find ways to change the dynamic between the two if you.
Im not an expert, and I hope some of the more knowledgeable people jump in soon to help you. Im just trying to get you started on thinking of....
What went wrong...
What you would have done differently....
And thrtefore what you can do differently FROM THIS DAY FORWARD.
Be patient. im sure the veterans will be on your thread soon to offer their help.
Stay strong. Your situation is not as dire as most on here...
This is just my take on it. Everything is summed up here in your own words.
"So in a very heated argument. I'd pretty much always win. "
No guy likes to be emasculated by his W like that. You say that you had past issues with depression, grief, etc. Well rather than dealing with it in a healthy manner, it seems like you took it out on him. And rather than arguing with you, he took the lighter side and let you 'win' because he knew no matter what he did, you want to win. Even though you say that you want him to argue back, etc. you still want to win. So why would he want to go through all that drama for you?
Now I'm not saying that he didn't have his own faults, but it sounds like he just got fed up. How have you shown him that you're not that same person any more? Can you honestly say that you won't treat him the same way anymore? He, like any other guy, just wants to be treated with respect and dignity from his W.
I disagree with touching him more not being 180. I lost my mom and went into the deepest depression for two years almost. Never initiated anything that entire time. It was something that he'd mention he needed. I didn't provide that. So doing the exact opposite of what I was doing...this falls into that category I think.
Ok thanks for helping me out on the GAL. This I am working on. I have recently joined a fitness club and am meeting all sorts of new people there. So i'm slowly starting to do this. Also looking for more ways to increase my GaL.
The kids aren't really saying much. They of course want us together, but are as unsure of what's going on as I am. I encourage them to talk about it. But they are a lot like him with not.discussing matters of the heart without having to pull it out of them.
Yes that is what I want to do. Change the dynamic. I don't know how though. It's easy to say but after 19 years of doing things one way. It's very hard ,especially as complex people as we are.
I agree. This I have learned. I blamed him for a lot. A lot that I suffered in childhood at the hands of others. I began to see some of these same things in him. I despised it and began to resent even more things that he had/had not done.
Yes, he was fed up. We were both fed up. I was happy to see him gone at first. Went NC for two months. Not even knowing at that time what NC was. When I did make contact it was through a relative of his , to give him info on how to contact the attorney i'd sought. In an effort to be fair in tjw settement agreement. He emerged from his NC and asked that I meet him to talk. I agreed, but in a public place. I did not want him at our home. This is where we were comfortable. One false move and I know the love bug would bite me and change my mind against all I'd prepped it for. He let me know he thought I was moving too fast. That je wanted to wait before doing anything like that. However, he has never mentioned that je wants to work on us. That is something this man will find far too hard to be able to verbalize. He was taught from youmg to suppress feelings and just move forward. I've learned this being as closely connected to my in laws as I am. They ALL do this.
So from that day forward he's done loads to try and show me hewants to do something. ..what though is what I don't know. When I do try and detach..he pulls even closer. I've learned through self help reading and another forum im on ,how to not react. How everything is not that serious for me to explode like I would. Im struggling with over analyzing though. That's my hard task right now.
Most confusing for me is 180. Though it may seem like he's cake eating. If I pull away to far or make myself unavailable, that's not any different than what he suffered when living at home. My moms death was hard for me. I was mama and daddy for me ,my mom and my baby sisters. My mother always seemed jealous of my successes and found delight in my short comings. Many say my husband loves me to pieces yet is intimidated by my strong personality, ability to overcome the hardest of obstacles, my social ranking amongst our friends, and my intellect. I don't see how, yet I do see some of the actions validating their accusation. He encourages me out of pure manners I feel. I can literally feel some of the tension when I do something that he'd not be able to due to aptitude or the sorts. Its ok that im doing good as long as im not doing better than him. Of that makes any sense.
I enjoy theater, museums, astrology, or anything that I can learn and grow from. A lovely night out for me would be at a wine tasting. A good night out for him would be bbq'ing until the mosquito s eat us alive and we all smell like fifty fireman from the smoke...lol. Two people who love each other, yet have forgot how to merge our differences. Something we once did seamlessly.
I want to treat him with the respect a hard working, fun, fairly easy going man deserves. I taught him through all this how to act just as I was. When I was acting that way in part because he's always been there to help me out of any situation. He's never lost a close loved one. Both parents/grandparents living...did not know what I was experiencing losing my mom. I didn't lose a mother. I was my own mother. I lost a dream. I thought one day she would learn to love and accept me for me. She had a brief sudden illness and was gone in a weeks time.
He knew our relationship, therefore probably couldn't understand why I was so hurt. Like I mentioned, i didn't lose a mom, i lost my dream. That's something his mind would never be able. to comprehend.
I blamed him because this time out of all the times. ..he didn't rescue me. From a pain that ran so deep. Just like mama. It seemed everything he did or said reminded me of her and how she treated me. We've since talked about this. He claims to have had no clue this is what was going on with me. He thought the..baby you ok's and do you need anythings were enough. This time for me they weren't. I felt he didn't care or me nor her were of any importance to him.
Is there anything I need to do to get more input on this post ? I seem to be off moderation now; but no input since then. I'm really looking for some good insight, pretty soon though.
Sorry limbo, I try not to log in much over the weekends, I just need to take a break from it all here and there.
It sounds like your doing a lot of projecting on the situation, meaning you/we need to get better at the detachment. If any thoughts start off with "He did this ...." or "He did that...", then your thinking about it too much.
When you get it down, that will be more like "I did XXXXX today"
I know how hard it is to keep focused, heck I've blown it so many times with my patience. But hang tough, let time work its magic.
But the problem is that you had and continue to have "expectations" of what he should be doing for you or how he should be. You are not letting him be his own man and that's what he doesn't like. Put it this way. Would you like him to tell you what he "expects" out of you? No one wants to live by someone else's expectations.
If he CHOOSES to learn about what you "like" and CHOOSES to act a certain way because it makes you happy, then that's better. But don't have expectations for how you THINK he should be acting.
Hi Limbo. Glad you are here. So sorry for all you are going through. Have you read DB or DR yet?
Sorry limbo, I try not to log in much over the weekends, I just need to take a break from it all here and there.
It sounds like your doing a lot of projecting on the situation, meaning you/we need to get better at the detachment. If any thoughts start off with "He did this ...." or "He did that...", then your thinking about it too much.
When you get it down, that will be more like "I did XXXXX today"
I know how hard it is to keep focused, heck I've blown it so many times with my patience. But hang tough, let time work its magic.
Thanks. Tips like this is what I need. A lot of times I don't notice stuff. So in working on me. Knowing and hearing these little things im doing from another person's view of me is helpful.
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But the problem is that you had and continue to have "expectations" of what he should be doing for you or how he should be. You are not letting him be his own man and that's what he doesn't like. Put it this way. Would you like him to tell you what he "expects" out of you? No one wants to live by someone else's expectations.
If he CHOOSES to learn about what you "like" and CHOOSES to act a certain way because it makes you happy, then that's better. But don't have expectations for how you THINK he should be acting.
Thanks. What are some things I can do to show that I am allowing him to be a man ?
Hi Limbo. Glad you are here. So sorry for all you are going through. Have you read DB or DR yet?
I have not. Income is very limited these days. I am looking to purchase it though the first opportunity I get.
Just checking in on ya LL.
Hope your doing well, or as well as can be expected anyways.
Things are pretty much the same. Im letting go...nothing else to do at this point