I detached, he came back, but now it's BAD

H had been living with OW which I was not sure they were doing. He moved out from me 5 months ago. Anyway we would see each other periodically and be intimate. I got angry at him in Sept. and he dared me to tell her and I did! Big mistake really but I felt that now she knew. Took me many apologies and detachment to get trust again. So we met and had a great time where gambling is and he left. 20 later he calls and asks if I called "her". I said of course not but she knew I was there. I believe she had him followed. So she threw him out that night and he came home. Of course this was not the way I wanted him to come back and I really wanted it to be his choice. So he was here and I left him alone basically to gather himself. Days later I'm looking to talk a little and about 9 days into it he says he's moving out and I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

I was devastated again. It was like him leaving me the first time all over. I told him that I never expected anything and suggested that we see someone for short term therapy. He says its over and I say when a third party tells me that then ill believe him. He just doesn't want to go to any therapy since he feels that it didn't work 8 years ago. I just figured that if you're handed lemons you make lemonade. You make the best of a situation ESPECIALLY since we were getting along so well prior to him getting kicked out. Now I'm back to this mess feeling and I really don't know now what to do. I wish he hadn't come so we could've still become closer. Now what???

Originally Posted By: Snookee

H had been living with OW which I was not sure they were doing. He moved out from me 5 months ago. Anyway we would see each other periodically and be intimate. I got angry at him in Sept. and he dared me to tell her and I did! Big mistake really but I felt that now she knew. Took me many apologies and detachment to get trust again. So we met and had a great time where gambling is and he left. 20 later he calls and asks if I called "her". I said of course not but she knew I was there. I believe she had him followed. So she threw him out that night and he came home. Of course this was not the way I wanted him to come back and I really wanted it to be his choice. So he was here and I left him alone basically to gather himself. Days later I'm looking to talk a little and about 9 days into it he says he's moving out and I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

I was devastated again. It was like him leaving me the first time all over. I told him that I never expected anything and suggested that we see someone for short term therapy. He says its over and I say when a third party tells me that then ill believe him. He just doesn't want to go to any therapy since he feels that it didn't work 8 years ago. I just figured that if you're handed lemons you make lemonade. You make the best of a situation ESPECIALLY since we were getting along so well prior to him getting kicked out. Now I'm back to this mess feeling and I really don't know now what to do. I wish he hadn't come so we could've still become closer. Now what???

These situations happen all the time. In a high majority of the cases the OP ( OM/OW ) does not CARE about the WAS even 1/2 as much as the LBS.

He needs to look at the big picture, I know he's seen this before.

This kinda happened to me but my spouse didn't move out. But she came out of the MLC and was VERY lovey dovey for 4 weeks.

Snodderly says you don't want them back till they are fully baked - so let him bake. Work on yourself and hope for the best.

Sunny

He followed the script exactly, he is going through OW withdrawal.

You did nothing wrong with confronting the OW, go back and start DBing all over again.
He can not be in a relationship with 2 people at once.
You will keep repeating this cycle until you do something different.

How long did it take your spouse to come out of the MLC? My wife is in year 2 of the MLC.

My H only told me this past April the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" crap.

New Bulletin: Last week he had moved out and brought all his stuff to our son's place. After about 3 nights I get a text and after a number of hours of this I agreed to meet up with him. We had a good time all day; this was in Atlantic City and I was not staying there the night. Well he said at first he was staying but then said he wasn't. He then says he's coming home! After getting there I didn't say much, went to sleep and went to work the next day. When I got home all his stuff was there again and put away. So I'm thinking that maybe he's "seen the light" but its kind of the same attitude as last week. He's very to himself and not talking very much about anything. Its like we are just going on with our lives while he lives there.

So today is Day 3 of him being back and I mentioned that we have to talk after work or some time today. He acts like what are we going to talk about? I just want to know:

1. Is he home to work on things?
2. Is he back and trying to work things out with OW again? She's the one who threw him out.
3. Do I confront all of this or just use my DB skills and go about my life?

I don't feel comfortable just letting him be in the house that he was away from for 6 months. I'm afraid that he may be trying to get back with OW and that he's setting all of this up at my home. This is EXACTLY how it went down in April. I'm not going to be that stupid wife again who had no idea that this was going on until he said he was moving out. I know he wants me to initiate lovemaking and be a wife but I need to know that this is going somewhere positive. I don't want to nag either. Hellllppp

Originally Posted By: Snookee

1. Is he home to work on things?

NO

Originally Posted By: Snookee

2. Is he back and trying to work things out with OW again? She's the one who threw him out.

Maybe, time will reveal all of this.

Originally Posted By: Snookee

3. Do I confront all of this or just use my DB skills and go about my life?

I don't feel comfortable just letting him be in the house that he was away from for 6 months. I'm afraid that he may be trying to get back with OW and that he's setting all of this up at my home. This is EXACTLY how it went down in April. I'm not going to be that stupid wife again who had no idea that this was going on until he said he was moving out. I know he wants me to initiate lovemaking and be a wife but I need to know that this is going somewhere positive. I don't want to nag either. Hellllppp

You need to have a healthy boundary.
I think he is pulling you back in because he knows that you will let him.
You need to break the cycle, you can not be in a relationship with him while there are 2 people involved.
You need to have patience.
Nothing is going to resolve itself this fast or in this manner.
I would not be his wife as far as lovemaking goes without having him tested for STD's.

Would you go out with a stranger on the street, and let him do these things?
Treat him the same way.
How about dating first.

^^^What Cadet said!!

Originally Posted By: Snookee

He then says he's coming home!

Since he did this before, it would have been good to break the cycle and say something like "No, first we need to work on some issues and boundaries with the help of a MC, then we can talk about you moving back in." He is NOT committed to your M yet. Moving out was his decision, but letting him back in is YOUR decision.

Quote:

So I'm thinking that maybe he's "seen the light" but its kind of the same attitude as last week. He's very to himself and not talking very much about anything. Its like we are just going on with our lives while he lives there.

It sounds like he's just looking for a place to bunk.

Quote:

1. Is he home to work on things?
2. Is he back and trying to work things out with OW again? She's the one who threw him out.
3. Do I confront all of this or just use my DB skills and go about my life?

I would just ask him question 1. If he's not there to work on things then lay out some boundaries for him whatever they may be, such as not dating while he lives there, how much he's going to pay for bills and such, how much notice you want before he moves out, etc. If he is there to work on things that outline what that means to you- MC, etc.

Quote:

I don't feel comfortable just letting him be in the house that he was away from for 6 months.

Absolutely valid concerns.

Quote:

I know he wants me to initiate lovemaking and be a wife but I need to know that this is going somewhere positive.

I agree with Cadet, treat it like you're getting to know each other if he's there to work on things. Go out on dates to start with. If he's not there to work on things that set a firm boundary of NO sex.

I know this all sounds like good advice but things are so complex, and I'm probably making it more complex. We had a big fight on Thursday because he said I was going back to my old ways. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Actually he told me via texting; he wouldn't even talk. So when he came to get stuff I demanded reason why and that he didn't give us a chance and he wouldn't hear a thing. So that's Thursday and Saturday we're going back and forth about him not giving us a real chance, blah blah and all of the same stuff. Again he was at a hotel in a casino and invited me to join. So what did I do? I went. We had a nice time and came home together and things seemed quiet but ok. At home watching TV and he says he'll be back soon. 1/2 hour later he calls and says he's driving up to his friends house for the evening. I said fine.....no argument. He doesn't feel comfortable discussing what's really on his mind and has been saying all along that he doesn't want to see a MC. I am still suggesting short term therapy.

I keep thinking that the relationship with OW is done because she found out about us before and she had him followed and that's when she got rid of him in an instant. I think he's sorry that happened; that was a big meal ticket but I don't think she wants him again. This is way too complicated for me. I feel like I was doing so well with DB'ing and then he's thrown back into my life, but not in the way that's healthy or making things right. I don't know what he will do tomorrow. I am so confused.

Originally Posted By: Snookee

We had a big fight on Thursday because he said I was going back to my old ways. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Did you ask him what those "old ways" are? Find out what his concerns are and do 180's on those things. Truly ask yourself if you are going back to old ways. The fact that this ended up as an argument and not a discussion makes me think that the two of you are falling back into old patterns and have not progressed. If you're on board with DB'ing then you should have taken his concerns seriously and validated them back to him. When is the last time you read DR? You should be constantly reading it while you're going through this sitch because we all have to constantly remind ourselves of what proper DB'ing is to avoid falling into old patterns.

Quote:

So when he came to get stuff I demanded reason why and that he didn't give us a chance and he wouldn't hear a thing.

Comments like this make me think maybe you're not real familiar with DB'ing techniques. The LAST thing you want to do to a WAS is make demands on them. That just pushes them away.

Quote:

He doesn't feel comfortable discussing what's really on his mind and has been saying all along that he doesn't want to see a MC. I am still suggesting short term therapy.

The two of you are not ready to be under the same roof yet. He needs to be in a position where he's interested in reconciling and willing to go to MC. If he's not there, then he shouldn't be moving back in.

So I guess I didn't do very well. I was hopeful but he moved his stuff out today after not being here for 3 nights. I believe he is back with the OW. He moved out the first time exactly 6 months ago to the day. I'm distraught again and feeling that same awful feeling I did 6 months ago. So now what, when I stop crying. He had told me he was seeing if I did change but it was all bunk if you ask me. I'm hurt and so sad again. I was doing great and I thought DB'ing good. He showed the interest and met me in AC. When he was caught that changed everything. So in 3 1/2 weeks I've bee very up and extremely down. I don't have the head right now to figure out what's next. It's holiday time and it [censored].

I didn't mean to have anything censored.

So here it is, a couple of days later and I think I'm thinking better than I did. No matter how much this hurts again I will do my best at not getting in touch with him and working on my own life again! This 4 week fiasco was not in the plan and it put my efforts back, but I will not compromise anymore what I believe to be the best thing for me first, both of us second. Since he's so involved with this OW again, I have no choice but to let them be and go through their own course....again. She threw him out twice already in 6 months because of his attention to me, but I can't deny that it was his choice to return to her.

I appreciate the bit of advice I've received here and am thankful for the books with this good advice. I'll make the holidays ok for me and my family!

Monday morning....I can't help but think that last weekend was so nice with him and now he's back with that OW again. How could I let this happen again? This time of year, which is my favorite, and the fact that he left AGAIN has got me in such a funk! I should have never let him come here when she threw him out. He was sleeping with me, sometimes, and I guess he was working his way back to her. I think its because she has so much. Lives in a 5000 sq. ft. home. We live in a 2 bedroom rental. But we had family and grandkids and I can't understand how he could be so materialistic, which is what I totally believe. He'll tell me that's not true but I don't believe he really loves her. So do I just switch off and just not contact him anymore except if necessary? I believe that's the ONLY thing that I can do at this time. I'm figuring that this time he may get the divorce papers together. I say let him do that....let him have this on his conscience. I'm still not believing I let him do this 2X in 6 months to me.

OK well until you are able to break the cycle you are doomed to continue to repeat it.
This is hard stuff.
Nothing is ever as it seems and it is so counterintuitve.
Go back to your detachment and be kind to your self.

First thing is to know that you are only human and all of us make mistakes.

Sorry this happened.

Yeah, I'm trying to take care of myself. Its so hard though when you know you were taken advantage of and lied to while he was scheming to get back with the OW. And that this is Christmas makes it all the more harder. I had even suggested that we go somewhere on New Year's. I just feel so dumb and duped.

But on a nicer note I'm going on Friday to Radio City Music Hall to see the Christmas Show with the rest of the family; my children and grandkids. We'll see the tree at Rockefeller Center and it should be a decent day. Too bad there are idiots in this world. Just sayin'

So its almost the end of the year and I'm not feeling any better about anything. I haven't spoken to H since 12/5 and I'm having doubts that anything good will ever come of this DB'ing. I'm missing him terribly but have the smarts to know that I have to let him go and do what he has to with the OW. I guess its the holidays that have gotten to me. Some days are ok and then there are some days that I'm just sad from morning to night.

I don't know how to be detached but still around so that he knows I exist. We don't have kids that are young that he has to call me about. He just can call them. And he's paying the bills without ever talking to me. I'm trying to be strong but I guess today is one of those days that I feel this whole journey is hopeless. Is this a common feeling even for those whose marriages came back? I'm still hoping that my marriage will come around, or should I say that H will come around.

I guess its one of those days.