Walk away wife

[cam]

I am 35 yrs old, my wife 31. I am Australian, we live here. My wife is American. We have been together 8 years, she moved here for me, and we have been married for 3 years.

Last year was a tough year, I work a stressful job and I was very unhappy and bringing a lot of that home and taking it out on my wife (never physically of course). I look back on it and there were a number of times over the years when I haven't coped with stresses and have been unhappy and haven't acted like the best husband in the most loving way. My wife pulled me up on it, and I got some help and changed a few things at work, but still things weren't great. It's as if she decided it's too hard and gave up. We tried counselling a bit late last year, and then went to the United States (Florida) for Christmas and things were great. When we got back in January, which is my busiest time of year, I worked for 45 days straight and was travelling a lot. I got back in mid February and she had moved out to have a break and to 'get those feelings back for me and us that she had' as she said.

We spent the next two months seeing each other a lot, talking all the time. I was begging her to come home, giving ultimatums etc. We were affectionate and getting on well, but we never had a proper break. Then in late April, she decided that was enough and walked away. It was very tough, I did all the wrong things. Constantly ringing her, emailing her, speaking to her friends etc. We have hardly spoken or seen each other since then. Then in late June we caught up and she has seen lawyers and wants to start divorce proceedings. You can't divorce in Australia until 12 months of the date of separation, but property settlement can start now. She won't discuss it, she says she loves me as a friend and that's all now, she wants us to both move on as its not healthy going on like this and forget that we had 8 pretty good years together. All my hopes and dreams we shared have just disappeared.

She has a history of running away from situations in her life when they get tough. She even admits it, and says its her defence mechanism and it has gotten her by in the past so it works for her. She has never had exposure to a stable family life: parents divorced, sister divorced - it just seems its the answer to her rather than fight for it.

She left for America last Saturday to be in her best friends wedding in Denver. She is away for two weeks. We caught up before she left and got on so well, even laughing about lawyers etc. But she said we can't go back, its gone too far now. I gave her a card describing my love for her and the relationship we could have again, and a few photos of us. I don't know what else to do. Then today I got another letter from her lawyer stating that she wants to get things moving on negotiations. My lawyer has just said she will ignore it.

The worst thing is I know all my mistakes and I am a 100% certain our marriage would be so strong and great if she gave me a chance. We both know each others flaws now and we could have such a solid marriage if she would work on it. I didn't express my love for her enough, at times I wasn't the best husband. But I never cheated, drank, abused her......I just brought my unhappiness and stress home and took it out on my wife, and I got complacent and took her for granted. I was at times rude, and I didn't always treat her with the respect she deserved. She told me a few times, but I never expected this to happen, I guess I didn't take it seriously and now it seems too late. She is no longer in love with me.

I don't know what to do next or how I can save this. I am struggling to move on and let go as I see people who get divorced as those that despise each other or don't get on. We were such the best of friends and still get on so well. I feel there is still a lot of love there, but she has blocked out her feelings and just keeps running away without facing the issues.

[tpc1977]

I'm so very sorry, man. So very sorry. Start reading the Divorce Busting book. It helped me realize what I was doing wrong while trying to force my wife to make the right decision about us. Be patient and read and read and read.

I also read "How to Wind Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late" and it helped me as well. If nothing more than making me a stronger man.

I'm still not sure if my wife will leave me. Things are so unbalanced and it feels like we're treading on real, thin ice. But the books have given me hope to make me a better person.

Even if it ends (the marriage) there's still a chance. I'm not one to provide false hope or tell you things you want to hear. It's going to be tough. It's going to hurt like hell and you'll have battle scars to prove it. All I can say is this is where you become strong for you if no one else.

Remember, it's not a sprint. It's a marathon. It's totally cliche' but it's fitting. I'm an endurance athlete and sometimes my training has helped me focus on what needs to be done the right way.

I'm here to chat if you need someone. I journal a lot here just to put my thoughts and feelings down. It sort of helps me see what's working and what isn't. And how I'm dealing with the situation. So far, not so good.

Do the best you can to find activities and other things to get your mind a little off of it. Be outgoing and fun as best as you can. Get a hobby. Don't sit and dwell and focus on the bad it will darken your spirit and manipulate you into doing the wrong things.

[cam]

Thanks for your thoughts.
I feel I have done everything wrong throughout this whole process over the last few months. From calling her, texting her repeatedly, begging and crying to her, even going to her family/friends to talk some sense into her. She probably has absolutely no respect for me now. Then I tried to have no contact with her, and I would write her a letter expressing my love for her, and still nothing.
She seems to have been planning this a long time and is pushing her lawyer to move forward quite quickly on property settlement, even though we can't divorce until February 2012.
I don't know what to do next and what my move should be. I have spoken to Chuck, a coach from here, and he told me the next steps from the LRT, but I feel like it's too late and I won't get a chance to implement them, as she wants as little contact with me as possible.

[tpc1977]

Again, I'm very sorry. I know your heartache. A lot of us here do. There is so much support here and other places. Find people you can talk to. Someone who can listen and support.

I'm not really sure what step you should take. But at least back off and start getting "your" life in order. Find anything, and I mean anything, to help you slowly draw your attention away from it as best as possible. Yeah, that seems like it can't be done. But you must try to do something.

As you have witnessed, you cannot do anything to stop her right now. It's time to realize you have to pick up your pieces and start putting them back together. It's about you know. I hope you understand.

Fake it until it becomes real. Start going dim, then go black. Find happiness in something - anything. Start acting like you're getting through it just fine and getting on with your life.

Don't hate yourself for the mistakes you've made. Learn from them and use them as motivation to do something different. You have a life. And even though that life seems empty and broken now, it can be repaired.

You don't know what the future holds. No one does. But we can prepare for anything by becoming stronger and learning how to react positively to better ourselves.

My prayers are with you, buddy. Though I'm not too good at it apparently. I'll continue and throw a few up for you.

Keep journaling your thoughts and actions. It seems to help me and there are tons of people here to help.

[DoggySector]

I am new to this myself and have only had one session with a coach. I have to buy the book but I am going through the same exact thing right now. I was rude to my wife for many years. Never physical abuse or drunkeness, but just nasty at times, because of my big mouth. We went to some good counseling and some real bad.

I do know that I was doing everything wrong. I was mad, and trying to induce guilt, pleading, begging and all the things that make things worse. Now I am trying to be humble and at the least I am getting along with her now. She asked me the other night if I am seeing anyone.

It's funny that people leave for many of the same reasons whether they live in Australia or down here in the Southeast of the U.S.A. I know how awful that you feel. You might want to try a coaching session.

Doggreensector

[cam]

Does a woman ever come back after saying they have fallen out of love with you? Do any of the LRT techniques work in this case, or is it just a lost cause?

[Greek]

Does a woman ever come back after saying they have fallen out of love with you? Do any of the LRT techniques work in this case, or is it just a lost cause?

Walk Away Wife - MWD

Yes. A woman can come back from this. There is no silver bullet - but yes, it can happen.
Greek

[cam]

I am new to this myself and have only had one session with a coach. I have to buy the book but I am going through the same exact thing right now. I was rude to my wife for many years. Never physical abuse or drunkeness, but just nasty at times, because of my big mouth. We went to some good counseling and some real bad.

I do know that I was doing everything wrong. I was mad, and trying to induce guilt, pleading, begging and all the things that make things worse. Now I am trying to be humble and at the least I am getting along with her now. She asked me the other night if I am seeing anyone.

It's funny that people leave for many of the same reasons whether they live in Australia or down here in the Southeast of the U.S.A. I know how awful that you feel. You might want to try a coaching session.

Doggreensector

[cam]

Doggreensector, how did you then get your wife to get along with you now?
My problem is that she doesn't want any contact, as its too hard on both of us she feels. As we both just cry together, so she would rather block it out and ignore it and let lawyers deal with it.
I saw her 10 days ago, before I found this site and spoke to a DB coach. She was leaving for a trip to the States, so I gave her a card expressing my love for her. Which I know now, was probably the wrong thing to do.
When she gets back next week, I don't expect any contact from her, so I'm not sure how I can even demonstrate that I am making the changes required if I don't get a chance to show them.

[cam]

Thanks Greek. The main problem with my wife is that she has always run from situations in her life when they get tough, so she just sees this as another one of those. It is something she has done all through her life and learned from childhood, so she just thinks it works and this is it. She has no concept of the sacredness and bonds of marriage, rather she just quits. So I am no low in confidence of being able to do anything that will make her question her actions and change her mind.

[Greek]

Thanks Greek. The main problem with my wife is that she has always run from situations in her life when they get tough, so she just sees this as another one of those. It is something she has done all through her life and learned from childhood, so she just thinks it works and this is it. She has no concept of the sacredness and bonds of marriage, rather she just quits. So I am no low in confidence of being able to do anything that will make her question her actions and change her mind.

Cam,
I wasn't a big supporter of the sacredness and bonds of marriage when I walked away from my family. I was hurting and staying hurt worse than leaving, so I left. Sacredness and bonds were not part of the decision tree. I don't think H ever brought up our vows while I was leaving - it wouldn't have mattered to me at that point. I didn't want that old marriage anymore. What my H did was to show me just a glimpse of what the new M could look like - eye contact, interest, partnership, boundaries,listening...and he did all of that while letting me go.

Watch that video clip again, but this time watch it knowing that a former WAW like myself is telling you it is the spot on, God's truth. Don't let any part of your mind argue with it or you will not get it.
Greek

[cam]

Thanks Greek. The main problem with my wife is that she has always run from situations in her life when they get tough, so she just sees this as another one of those. It is something she has done all through her life and learned from childhood, so she just thinks it works and this is it. She has no concept of the sacredness and bonds of marriage, rather she just quits. So I am no low in confidence of being able to do anything that will make her question her actions and change her mind.

Cam,
I wasn't a big supporter of the sacredness and bonds of marriage when I walked away from my family. I was hurting and staying hurt worse than leaving, so I left. Sacredness and bonds were not part of the decision tree. I don't think H ever brought up our vows while I was leaving - it wouldn't have mattered to me at that point. I didn't want that old marriage anymore. What my H did was to show me just a glimpse of what the new M could look like - eye contact, interest, partnership, boundaries,listening...and he did all of that while letting me go.

Watch that video clip again, but this time watch it knowing that a former WAW like myself is telling you it is the spot on, God's truth. Don't let any part of your mind argue with it or you will not get it.
Greek

Thanks I will watch the video again then. I guess I don't have the confidence because she has said that since we dont have kids then this is the best thing for us at this early stage of our marriage, even though we have 8 years together. She gets back from America on Tuesday and I dont expect any contact with her and it will be full steam ahead with the divorce process and property settlement.

[cam]

Greek, I get the video and it explains my situation exactly and even how I feel and think now in terms of improving myself as a husband and i have woken up and it's all too late. I can't get her to realize and see that though as she has just blocked it out and only focuses on the negatives of our relationship. She can't see any positives anymore, according to her it was "always a struggle"