He wrote in his last email that "he is not the problem" and insists that my walking away (moved out last Nov with child) is what has caused the breakdown in our marriage. HIS ABUSIVE ways (emotional, spiritual, financial) have all but killed my love for him...as a DB quote states: I did not leave HIM but I left the situation that HE caused (in part) and perpetuated (even after my constant pleas to reconcile; he would not!!!)
So I have a husband of nearly 12 years who insists on taking NO responsibility for his behavior toward me; will not "hear me" and I am gone and he is still trying to accuse and name call...I am not responding.
Hi Freespirit,
I am glad you are away from an abusive relationship, they are toxic and suck the life out of you. I speak from experience.
It sounds as if you are angry and I can certainly understand why.
I hope you can stick around and give advice to LBS who want to know why we leave and what we are looking for.
There is a AWAW in Newcomers (Dodie) that could use some support from those that have been there, done that as she tries to find her path.
I hope that you find peace as you travel yours.
Bridge
Whether you're a WAS or LBS - abusive mates will blame you entirely. That's what they do to not own their part. It justifies their behavior. It paints them as the victim.
I'm getting out of an abusive relaionship too. Do not listen to what they say - it's all meant to hurt and deny responsibility. It means nothing and certainly is not the full truth.
Nice to meet you bridge; nice to be here with you; as far as giving LBS advice; my dear husband has not "heard" what I have said for YEARS...for example. I minister in music (as well as other areas), I sing and write music for the church to worship the Lord...well...isolation was always present with my dh; in 10 years we "left" 5 churches (1st that I was attending when we met; we left 3 times; one church I found and lead worship 2 years, he told me to leave and another small and faithful church where I was in ministry for one year before he "told me to leave" )for no "good" reasons; all because they "do things differently" from him (btw: we haven't found anyone whom he agrees with).
Since separating, I have returned to BOTH the original and latter churches. I have my congregations praying for my husband and our marriage; my husband has REFUSED to counsel with eithr of them and told my Pastor that he "will not take any of his counsel" Now, any LBS reading this might obviously see my husband's disrespect for me; or he might see that my husband has the "right as the man" to "head" over me...with that, I don't have anything to say to an LBS other than if you want to control someone's life; try controlling your own first. My poor husband is so disillusioned due to his own deception; I have tried to talk with him...
Why I left???YEARS of disrespect, dishonor and demeaning and discounting comments and behavior that was so stressful that I STOPPED living a vital life and began to "squeeze myself into his oppressive box" to try to live my life as being MORE pleasing to him...I will NEVER do this again.
Hi Freespirit,
I am glad you are away from an abusive relationship, they are toxic and suck the life out of you. I speak from experience.
It sounds as if you are angry and I can certainly understand why.
I hope you can stick around and give advice to LBS who want to know why we leave and what we are looking for.
There is a AWAW in Newcomers (Dodie) that could use some support from those that have been there, done that as she tries to find her path.
I hope that you find peace as you travel yours.
Bridge
Hi Hope4luv: hugs to you...That is the one things that is SO hard to realize; that it is ABUSE because we certainly "don't want to" see them that way. My husband has NOT taken any responsibility for his past abuse; he still rages and that is why I will not even talk to him; to be confronted with his unresolved anger is aimed toward me; he needs a counselor.(and has always accused ME of not taking responsibility for my behavior; PROJECTION runs rampant; what he calls me; he actually is.)
LACK OF HUMILITY is another symptom of abusive behavior; it seems that LBS may not recognize that they are lacking if they are the "religious abuse" sort of man "who rules his household" with an iron fist...mine tried. I left. (not quite that simple but I think it gets the point across)...
So I have a husband of nearly 12 years who insists on taking NO responsibility for his behavior toward me; will not "hear me" and I am gone and he is still trying to accuse and name call...I am not responding.
Abusers never think they are wrong or at fault and consider themselves completely blameless. My H still pulls this crap. It's so ridiculous it's almost laughable. When he threw my stuff away he told me "you made me do that."
Really? How? I wasn't even there when he did it!
That was the hardest part for me; coming to understand that it was abuse but not "intentional" in ways and the conflict that this brought caused confusion and frustration...
I was given a book by Revive our Hearts (Nancy Leigh DeMoss) called:
(The biblical perspective on)
What to do when you are abused by your husband D.Pryde and R. Needham
This book has helped me though my husband is contacting me asking me "if I am done trying to manipulate him"...I am concerned that he will file for divorce and use it to take my son from my custody though we are "shared parenting" right now since he is working nights....thanks for your thoughts.
Have you seen a L? You should definitely be doing that, especially if he he threatening those sorts of things.
I think I am going to have to get a L soon; for child care reasons...here is an excerpts from an email from my "h".
*****Hi Darling: No matter how many people you distort facts with, lie to, or get on your side to gang up against me to get me to change....( I will not) -- I would not have understood the kind of mental problems you suffer from with that causes your distortion of facts that have made me into some sort of horrible enemy. You claim I have been verbally and emotionally abusive toward you. You alienated me from all our mutual friends by telling them distorted facts and lies that suited your purpose. I've patiently suffered this sort of behavior from you for eleven years, with only occasional complaints and arguments, of which you say, are abusive toward you. You have stopped all communications with me. I'm sending you this email to let you know where things are heading because I am still the dutiful husband. On November 28th, 2010 that is due to change. I will leave this state of limbo I have given you as a grace period and I will begin to make decisions that affect my life -- even if those decisions may affect you negatively.
Your anger has driven you to alienate everyone from your life who could or would help you. If you continue in your current path and become ship wrecked -- I won't be there after November 28th, and the way back will become more and more impossible as time passes.*****
He appears to be loving and gracious and what he is doing is "trying to let go" of his responsibilities to me and dyny all of his past (and current as you can see)behavior and how I have BEGGED him for YEARS to get counseling and for us to counsel about how to reconcile; there has been NO talk of reconciling. He accuses and blames me for HIS failure to honor me as his wife and "Live life" with me with respect.
I am glad that he is making the decision to go on...I have NOT given him any false hopes. I have told him that I would ONLY talk with him in the presence of two trusted Pastors and he REFUSED. He chose NOT to counsel and reconcile.
Did you write him back? My advice is that if you do, do not attack him, do not blame him, do not be mean/rude, etc. Keep it short and sweet.
thanks for reading soleil...
No, I don't intend to answer ANY of his emails or talk to him in any way (phone, person or email) about our marriage. ANYTHING I say will only open me for attack; he hears nothing...He can't argue with me when I am not talking and there is absolutely NOTHING that I want to say that I think that he would even hear. I am not wasting my breath. I really think he is "trying to search me out" a bit to see what would bother me. I am not going to tell him; not even give him a hint...
Good plan freespirit
I really undertsand the "not being heard" and what they do "hear" is twisted and manipulated to fit their world view, not what your reality is in the room. Your reality is not allowed.
However, this reality is business, when one is negotiating in business one does not talk about their position until you are at the table with appropriate counsel present.
Wise strategy.
Take care of yourself.
Peace
Bridge
thanks Bridge; I am sorry to hear that you also have had an abusive spouse; mine is narcissistic/thinks he is perfect and never errors...
He has emailed several more times; realizing that I have cut all communication with him; told him so; WEEKS ago that the meeting A MONTH AGO would be my FINAL attempt and his LAST opportunity. He isn't even acknowledging my request and forging ahead with threatening me to "think about the decisions that affected our marriage" before "the end" comes where he says that he will "not be around".
Having a whole month without trying to get a word in edgewise, exasperating myself in either defense of what I am thinking and feeling to his constant criticism and disrespectful judgements (Harley's love buster from His Needs/Her needs book,confused his site with this one at first) is giving me even more CLARITY on the issue; I am happy without him; that is a SAD realization for me to have FOR him...
He just wears me out to even make a statement; it has been the most DEvaluing and DISrespecting relationship that I have ever HAD to HAVE. Being "married" seems more like a prison sentence as if I have done something BAD to have to ENDURE the suffering of his abuse.(as my H told me I "should")
ARE THERE ANY husband's reading along to get a clue or two as to WHY their WAW walked away?
Albeit, I know some women (and men) who just "don't handle life" and they "run" but does ANYONE see that abuse is not an INvalid reason for leaving the home? Those who abuse, for the most part, don't know it because they are deceived into thinking that they "have done no wrong"...Could I be describing you and your marriage? If so, I might be able to answer some questions if you are brave enough to ask and HEAR the answers that I have found.
Hope this helps another marriage/a man who really wants to learn how to love and NOT lose his wife to his own neglect and ignorance.
Freespirit,
I was verbally and sadly physically abusive to my wife. She had to drop the sledgehammer on me for me to make the changes necessary in my life. She still wants a divorce which I'm willing to give.
if you go to
http://mevac.proboards.com/ you can get support from victims and Recovering abusers and gain valuble information on why he does what he does. You can also look up mevac on google. Mevac stands for men ending verbal abuse and control.
You can not reason with him and change him if he doesn't want to change. He has to be willing to make the journey for himself.
I'm JTJ on Mevac. Good luck and may your healing begin.
Joe
Freespirit,
I was verbally and sadly physically abusive to my wife. She had to drop the sledgehammer on me for me to make the changes necessary in my life. She still wants a divorce which I'm willing to give.You can not reason with him and change him if he doesn't want to change. He has to be willing to make the journey for himself.I'm JTJ on Mevac. Good luck and may your healing begin.
Joe
Thank you for sharing part of your story with me Joe; I am sure that your family and friends who see the changes in you are really happy that you have made the positive steps to change; even though it appears that reconciliation with your wife is not available.
I have been very hopeful that my husband would "try" to make a few little changes and he has tried nothing and so has succeeded in even less than that. I understand it that he is NOT willing because the "loss is not enough" for him to want to change...I am not waiting for him to change. I am glad that you were able to see through your self-denial and are seeking help and healing...good luck to you...if your wife will not reconcile; you will at least have learned how NOT to try to have relationship with a woman...thanks for website link.
Blessings to you.
"You can not reason with him and change him if he doesn't want to change. He has to be willing to make the journey for himself."
Oh God. This is so true.
*****Hi Darling: No matter how many people you distort facts with, lie to, or get on your side to gang up against me to get me to change....( I will not) -- I would not have understood the kind of mental problems you suffer from with that causes your distortion of facts that have made me into some sort of horrible enemy. You claim I have been verbally and emotionally abusive toward you. You alienated me from all our mutual friends by telling them distorted facts and lies that suited your purpose. I've patiently suffered this sort of behavior from you for eleven years, with only occasional complaints and arguments, of which you say, are abusive toward you. You have stopped all communications with me. I'm sending you this email to let you know where things are heading because I am still the dutiful husband. On November 28th, 2010 that is due to change. I will leave this state of limbo I have given you as a grace period and I will begin to make decisions that affect my life -- even if those decisions may affect you negatively.
Your anger has driven you to alienate everyone from your life who could or would help you. If you continue in your current path and become ship wrecked -- I won't be there after November 28th, and the way back will become more and more impossible as time passes.*****
GOOD LORD! My abusive husband could have wrote this! Word for word! Do they have some school for emotional abusers where they get lessons on this? Jeez.
I can offer a few things...try
www.verbalabuse.com - they have a board as well.
Also try
http://www.narcissismdailymirror.com/2010/01/verbal-abuse.htmlJoe - if you read this (sorry for a little hijack) - how exactly did your wife bring the hammer down on you? I'm thinking of doing the same thing after being a doormat for far too long....thx.
Hope4luv,
She told me she was done. No more intimacy, physical touch. Mevac is modeled somewhat after Patricia Evans verbal abuse. The key is to make it clear that you will no longer take this. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans is a great read. It may be difficult because every emotion it will bring to the surface but you will be able to put a plan in place.
As an abuser as weird as this may sound I wasn't aware that I was being abusive and manipulative verbally. I thought I was ok and normal. An abusive partner doesn't see their behaviors as problematic and typically out in public abusers are really well behaved around others. Its only around you, the object of their affection their "teddy bear" do they exercise their control. You have to break that connection.
On verbal abusers there are 30,000 survivors. On Mevac there are around 30 Recovering abusers. You can hope but this is about saving you. Your husband will need to make the decision on his own.
I wasn't happy I knew it. I wanted something better.
God Bless.
Pray for my wife Elizabeth.
Joe
As an abuser as weird as this may sound I wasn't aware that I was being abusive and manipulative verbally. I thought I was ok and normal. An abusive partner doesn't see their behaviors as problematic and typically out in public abusers are really well behaved around others. Its only around you, the object of their affection their "teddy bear" do they exercise their control. You have to break that connection.
Pray for my wife Elizabeth. Joe
Hi Joe, praying for you AND Elizabeth...I guess you are also saying that an abuser; may even become more controlling to "prove their love" for us. I think also that accusing me of being a WAW, he is NOT taking responsibiltiy for his own behavior; deflecting from having to look at himself by focusing all the blame on me. I have not responded to his emails, he has accused me "of not communicating" while he plans to "move on" with giving NO thought to wanting to "sit down and talk about it"...he has NOT offered reconciliation or any plan of correcting his behavior and "making a home" for us. He is too busy "raising his daughter" almost 20, if you ask me, SHE is his teddy and the moment she wants to move out and get away from him, he will want to come back to me. That is NOT acceptable to me. I have walked away and I will stay away as long as I am NOT convinced with overwhelming proof (and I have criteria for myself) of his recovery from being a verbal, emotional and spiritual abuser.
Have you seen a L at all yet, Free?
Oh I have a great book recommendation for you: "Why does he do that?"
Check it out. It's' awesome.
Been dealing with an emotionally abusive spouse for quite some time. The last straw was on our 25th anniversary this summer. He made a big deal about a video he made of our wedding, took it to work to show all the women what a great guy he was and then when he gave it to me after dinner, he made a point of attacking me about not giving him anything for our anniversary. (We were planning a weekend out of town to celebrate anniversary that weekend where I had planned to buy a special bottle of wine and drink them from crystal used at our wedding). So he brought up Christmas 4 years ago when he did not buy me anything for Christmas and I objected, so he gave me the silent treatment for 4 days until I APOLOGIZED because I was so upset by the silent treatment! His attitude was that I was wrong then, and wrong on our anniversary.
I guess the point is it truly is impossible to reason with an abusive spouse - they will not hear us anyway.
Been reading Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage and it truly describes the pain of being in a difficult marriage better than anything else I've seen. My husband fits the description of a dangerous spouse according to the book.
Did you write him back? My advice is that if you do, do not attack him, do not blame him, do not be mean/rude, etc. Keep it short and sweet.
I agree; "just the facts" are going into a brief letter AFTER the fact...thanks...
Been dealing with an emotionally abusive spouse for quite some time. ..... I guess the point is it truly is impossible to reason with an abusive spouse - they will not hear us anyway.
Been reading Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage and it truly describes the pain of being in a difficult marriage better than anything else I've seen. My husband fits the description of a dangerous spouse according to the book.
Welcome to DB Bernita...
I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through; clarity is helping you it sounds like and reading and getting understanding allows us to detach and "move on". Your H sound like he has "a point to make" and the blame all points to you (as all abusers do)...so have you "walked away?" or thinking about running away like I did...LOL...
The more we "don't respond in fear and hurt" toward how they treat us; the more "power" we take out of their abuse...My abusive husband is still trying to fix the blame on me for leaving him. I am sure that DIVORCE will all be my fault as I have waited patiently for him to be humble and loving and seek "the good of our marriage" and have compassion toward me to "change" his behavior. He refuses ALL counseling and I think he is an IDIOT. He LOST ME! I did not walk away, I RAN and I am GLAD that I did!!!! NO ONE deserves to be abused!!!!
Sending hugs; keep posting and "playing your cards close to your chest" and taking care of yoursel...(you know that ANYONE can read these posts; you don't have to be member to read, be careful what you say: anything I have said, I have posted with the full consciousness that my soon to be EX husband may read this, figure out that this is ME and that I am talking about HIM...I say; good for him.)
Thank you, free spirit for your reply. you are so right - the abusive spouse always sees us as the problem and projects onto us what they are doing.
I haven't left. Our oldest son is a senior in college and I know he would be cut off if I left. our youngest is being home schooled this year so again, I am staying for now. I've been reading so many books about emotional and verbal abuse and trying to get strong and be happy despite the abuse. It's surely not easy!
I want to say to you to enjoy your freedom but that surely carries it's own problems, doesn't it in terms of dealing with the divorce. The anger these abusers carry, when it is spewed out at us is unbelievably strong. You are so right about trying to not act back in pain. It's that concept of "power over" that is talked about in Patricia Evans book on verbal abuse. They are coming at us from a different reality - power over versus Mutual love that we are trying to live in.
Here are some awesome books; more on the christian few side of emotional and verbal abuse (Patricia Evans books are great btw)
[*]The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick
[*]What to do when you are abused by your husband by Debi Pryde
[*]Fool-proofing your life by Jan Silvious
I found that journaling and going to counseling also helped me sort through the fog of abuse and see things; including myself, more clearly. They certainly "don't see us or hear us" and as Patricia's YouTube videos state (#2 I believe) that when this happens the "relationship has ended"...they are no longer having a real relationship with us but with the "dream woman" they constantly want to see and hear; since SHE is the one who is NOT separate from them and does not threaten their "reality"...
Hi freespirit, I have verbally and emotionaly abused my wife and I have paid the price for it, she has left me.
My issues are caused by work stress and depression which I am now taking meds for, I also had an issue with drink, which helped with the stress and depression, I have not had a drink in weeks, I feel better in me, I'm happier, I'm fitter, but I am empty without her next to me.
Her leaving has broken my heart and made me look at myself and what changes I have to make.
If you don't mind I would like to ask a question, my wife left me and took our children, we had a deep love and found each other so attractive that we would drag each other into the downstairs toilet at the drop of a hat, this was after being together for 15 years, this shows what we had for each other.
Now she has gone we only interact through text or when I pick the kids up, its all polite but thats it, nothing about me or her its the kids, I know this is all I deserve, but I have backed off and given her space, I do not contact her or follow her, it is killing me but I have to look at ME and my issues which I am addressing.
So the question!, how do I show her any changes in me, I don't want to ask her to go out anywhere, I don't really see her so she can see any change, but I want my wife, I maybe have lost her, but I want her.
How do I show her the changes without invading her space or putting pressure on her, I'm sorry for jumping into your thread but I can see you want to try and work on your marriage, I don't know if my wife does, but any advice on getting her back would be great, thanks
freespirit,
Thank you for the book suggestions. I have ordered the Debi Pryde book from Amazon.
You are so right about counseling. I started seeing a therapist 2 years ago when we were having trouble with one of our sons. I found I could trust this therapist so I ended up seeing him more than my son did. I still see him once a week, despite H's objections. The counselor has helped me see through the fog of codependency and emotional abuse. I had isolated myself because I was so depressed (and my H kept telling me "I have no friends"), now I am developing friendships again and doing things I love, like playing the piano, again. And I am seeing my relationship with H in a very different light.
M - 25 years
3 S 15, 19, 21
Hi DC...
Hi freespirit, I have verbally and emotionaly abused my wife and I have paid the price for it, she has left me.So the question!, how do I show her any changes in me, I don't want to ask her to go out anywhere, I don't really see her so she can see any change, but I want my wife, I maybe have lost her, but I want her.
How do I show her the changes without invading her space or putting pressure on her, I'm sorry for jumping into your thread but I can see you want to try and work on your marriage, I don't know if my wife does, but any advice on getting her back would be great, thanks
I am glad to hear that you are "waking up" but it will take MUCH more than that for her...do you have a counselor? A trusted man who KNOWS how to love and treat a woman?
I have been separated from my abusive husband for almost a year; I don't miss him;
I have lost all trust and don't care to "try any more" to make it work with him. Our relationship has died. Truth.
My dear husband "could not show me" how he has changed apart from TRUE repentance, humility and "laying down his life" for me and he has not shown ANYTHING of the sort. You "can't give your wife space"...she has "taken" it back from you...this is a change of perspective for you.
It is HER life and she has the right to NOT be with you. She may still be terribly hurt; or like me, happy to be apart from you. PRAY
and PRAY hard...God CAN put you back together but you will NEVER be able to show her change in you until it is truly done and she feels safe to even give you time to talk about things...
You asked for the truth and only "truth can set you free"...Peace and prayers....
freespirit,I have ordered the Debi Pryde book from Amazon.
Praying it will help you as it did for me...hugs.
You are so right about counseling. I still see him once a week, despite H's objections. The counselor has helped me see through the fog of codependency and emotional abuse. I had isolated myself because I was so depressed (and my H kept telling me "I have no friends"), now I am developing friendships again and doing things I love, like playing the piano, again. And I am seeing my relationship with H in a very different light.
Good for you Benita...I sing and write music; just seems that they try to they want to separate us from all whom we love and all we love (music). The Joy of the Lord is your strength...He has made you special and wonderful and what your husband does and says should "mean less to you" each day as you break down the codependency and "see through" the emotional abuse fog...sending hugs and prayers.
Free--not sure if I wrote it on here before but an excellent book to read is called "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.
You should check it out.
thanks sunshine...that was sweet of you...I have read it...read all Patricia Evan's books; read most of the christian marriage and christian books on abusive behavior, etc..I am so tired of reading. I don't think I belong here because there is NO hope for this marriage; it is done. The only "tie" left is legal...
I think my LBS (yes, I LEFT him behind) was SO abusive that I did not walk, I ran and I am not going back. He has refused all decency and any voice of reason or counsel. I think he is Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he will "not hear" me at all...curses me (on email, I still haven't responded) and then sounds like he wants me back but doesn't have the guts to admit that he "needs" me because HE is codependent and NEEDS ME TO NEED HIM and I DON'T...I won't and I don't even want to be hear him....
He continues to curse and accuse, deny and blame and act like a total fool while I am extricating myself from his life totally(all on email, I do not respond at all)...he can accuse me all he wants; I am not listening to his manipulative drivel. He has shown his absolute LACK of love and empathy and he will have plenty of time to sit and think about things when I am only a name on a piece of paper that he will be signing. He lost me...there is no marriage here to save.
He led me to this site with the "walk away wife" syndrome article MINUS the husband's responsibility because obnviously and I KNOW for a fact that he is not willing and probably will never take responsibility for his behavior because he is mentally unable to do so...NPD...Narcissistic Personality Disorder explains my life in H with him for the past 11 years and he says that I "abused him"...leaving him alone is abuse enough for him and he will just have to live with that. NO more narcissistic supply. He can get attention elsewhere, he doesn't have mine anymore.
I understand that there is such a thing as a "walk away spouse" but I would caution everyone to take what a LBS spouse may say with a grain of salt...MY LBS maintains that he has done nothing wrong and he has NOT verbally abused me...He is deceived and a liar. He is unloving and selfish and mentally ill on top of it. There is no "amount of love" from a good woman that can cure a heart that is disobedient to God to begin with...this walk away wife had GOOD reason and NOT TOO SOON at that.
Free, it sounds like you made a good decision if he won't even accept the fact that he was abusive to you. When people can't own their half of the breakdown of an M, and especially ABUSE, that is a huge red flag. No accountability = bad sign.
Did you file or did he? When is D happening?
Free, you continue to be an inspiration to me as I follow your thread. Although my H left me, the other night he literally said I LEFT HIM. Now how did that work? He also filed a motion for 50% custody of S6 which sadly in my state he may get, especially being the narcissistic liar he is and his ability to charm and coerce. Then he started wanting to "negotiate" with me personally outside of mediation, yet said "I gave him no choice but to file his motion" which was full of lies about how I ABUSED HIM. How did that work again?
Power hungry, controlling, bas***ds is all they are. I hope to have the strength and conviction that you have in your running. Thank you for setting the bar high for me!
Did you file or did he? When is D happening?
Hi Soleil,...Nothing started YET...I have been advised to wait for him to file but I think that going on with separation agreement is the next move...ONE YEAR is when D "should" happen; or less...
Free, you continue to be an inspiration to me as I follow your thread. Although my H left me, the other night he literally said I LEFT HIM. Now how did that work? He also filed a motion for 50% custody of S6 which sadly in my state he may get, especially being the narcissistic liar he is and his ability to charm and coerce.
Hope4Luv; I just found a book for high conflict divorces; Spliting by Eddy Williams...they are so crazymaking...dont' try to make sense out of nonsense...take care of your self...
Then he started wanting to "negotiate" with me personally outside of mediation,
I literally have "not talked" to my (now NPDh; narcissitic personality disordered husband---no wonder he claims that he will not change; it is NOT a mental illness but a PERSONALITY disorder and is "woven into his very fiber"...) since May.
Power hungry, controlling, bas***ds is all they are.
Mine also, literally. Sad "little men" is what I call them...have to "put down a woman" to make themselves feel good.
I hope to have the strength and conviction that you have in your running. Thank you for setting the bar high for me!
(((Hope4Luv))) I hope that for you too hon...get educated about how to deal with and what to expect from your high conflict "h" and don't let him "side swipe" you with something that you are not prepared for...saying a prayer about custody and that his "charming ways" will be revealed.Got documentation??? Advice I have heard says to "stay calm and present the NEEDS of the children" and your desire for their safety and growth as your FIRST concern. Don't whine about how he has treated you...per se...
Take good care of yourself...don't engage in private conversations or agree with him on anything without your L's consult...I am planning on "letting my L do the talking" once I get one...I have nothing to say and I want my lawyer to hear every word he has to say (and line it up with the promises, apologies and false claims and THREATS and abuse in his emails...
Since THIS is the web site that he referred me to; since this is the topic (Walk away wife) that he accuses me of being, I will just add a few more bits of information regarding the personality disordered person that I am currently married to...After a year of being separated from him; giving him ample opportunity and "last chances", after he has BLOWN his LAST chance he emails me with a 24 hr deadline to "return to him, be his wife, live with him and share in the bills"...LOL...ROFL....My response...NO REPLY.
He has GOT to be kidding...He may never admit to himself or me just HOW deeply troubled he must be to even consider sending such an inane email. It is CLASSIC of an abuser and one who thinks he controls another person. I told him that I had "WOULD NEVER" live with him and his daughter again. This is just another classic example of how they DO NOT HEAR US.
And for the record, I did not WALK AWAY, I ran!!!
My wife complained that I saw her as a possession and nothing she ever did for me was good enough. I have come to terms that I was verbally abusive to my W even though I never had any intention of ever hurting her. I had rage problems and working on anger issues is something that I believe I will be doing for the rest of my life but I have made huge strides. I have gone to therapy because I was threatening suicide to get my W to talk to me and I am on anti-depressants. I’ve worked on a lot of things but now W doesn’t want to talk to me or be around me and doesn’t believe I’ve changed. She is dating somebody else and that is a real test of my anger management along with the divorce papers I got yesterday and the fact that she wiped our computer clean so I couldn’t get at any old photos or videos.
I have slipped up and done some subtle blaming (which she called me on) and I try to take solace in the fact that I am not denying it anymore. When I do not blame, when I ignore something that would make me angry, or when I simply validate her feelings without arguing it seems to make her even angrier at me. Can any of the WAW’s give me some clarity on this phenomenon?
Thanks very much for any help.
Hello fs,
I am wondering if you could post a few examples of the verbal or emotional abuse, like specific words he used or was it tone of voice basically, how exactly did he abuse you? If I am off base here I am sorry. I am just trying learn. Some books on the subject give such broad example of abuse to suck you into buying the book. I sure would like to hear it straight from a person that has gone through it.
I would also like some examples, I think it's been happening to me, however the books are not clear. I don't want to blame my H for Verbal Abuse if I am not 100% sure. I got things like You don't know how to have a conversation, so I am not going to talk to you. I got you shouldn't use the oven when it's hot outside. He blew out candles saying I was going to burn the house down. But then he was so nice at other times, and I think he really does love me. I am just so confused, I read one book that said if you've ever felt hurt by something your H said it was verbal abuse, and well I felt hurt a lot, but he just said he was only joking or I took it the wrong way. I just want to make sure I am not crazy.
I could see where that would make you feel bad/hurt but verbal abuse I don't know. I think we all need to have somewhat of a thick skin, people in general say stupid things that make you bad. I dont think they or your.husband mean to make you feel bad. Maybe you should call him on it. say I am not 2 years old I can burn a candle without burning the house down and light it back up.
I am also a husband who emotionally, spiritually and mentally abused his wife. For six years, I put her through my addiction with porn, lies and anger (both to cover my guilt and my addiction). Counselling only worked for a couple or so months, then I would relapse again. I even did it when she was pregnant with our son. I was also not a proper man and provider for her when we were cash strapped; I would wait for the good-paying jobs rather than deliver pizza or work at a supermarket to make ends meet.
So finally after a 6 month separation, she announced she wants a divorce. The separation itself woke me up big time. I renewed my once close relationship with God, became accountable to my elders and close church friends, have been taking care of myself physically, mentally and spiritually. My reawakening has also made me fall deeply in love with my wife again, but unfortunately now there's no one there to receive that love. I am trying hard to show her (by actions) that I mean it this time, and not like every other time I "promised" I wouldn't go back to porn. We still live in the same house, but because she's in medical school, which takes up most of yout energy and time each day, she has no obligation to notice my changes. It hasn't helped either that I lost my job the same week she announced the separation (not related). I've applied to pretty much everything under the sun, but no bites yet. And this has definitely made her more sure than ever to divorce me.
DB & DR have helped me greatly, besides prayer and the hope that God can soften hearts as well as He can harden them.
I do have a couple of questions, though:
1. I'm trying to be nice and positive whenever I'm with my wife, but because of the great amount of resentment and fear she has, she doesn't trust me with our 2 year old son, and downright questions my techniques and motives in front of him. Do I just say something like "ok, I'm sorry, I'll keep that in mind", or do I need to put my foot down when it comes to our child?
2. Because of my job situation, she now wants to pay me (with her school loans) to do chores and other things, which I already do since she's been so tied up in med school. She wants me to have money to pay for half of everything, but I principally do not like the idea of her paying me. Lately this has become her hot button issue. I know she notices my changes I'm trying to make and 180s, and yet she has been skirting to other things like work and money to find reasons to maintain her decision. I know she resents and doesn't trust me, but her skirting is driving me crazy. I don't know what to expect each time she confronts me.
Thanks for letting me rant, but I'm an former addict and wife abuser who hopes that I can offer and share with my wife the love that she truly deserves.
My wife complained that I saw her as a possession and nothing she ever did for me was good enough. I have come to terms that I was verbally abusive to my W even though I never had any intention of ever hurting her.
I believe you ALMW...I believe my husband does not "intend" to hurt me; just control and completely RULE me as he thinks is "his god given right". Hope you have learned respect for her..
I’ve worked on a lot of things but now W doesn’t want to talk to me or be around me and doesn’t believe I’ve changed.
After YEARS of NOT being heard by my LBS; I stopped talking. To try to convince an abusive spouse that "we have had enough" is too tiring.
She is dating somebody else and that is a real test of my anger management along with the divorce papers I got yesterday and the fact that she wiped our computer clean so I couldn’t get at any old photos or videos.
I am sorry to hear that she began dating before your divorce; I do not intend to do that to my LBS; HOWEVER let's say that I will "not be waiting" to date my "first love" as soon as the divorce is final. The hunger for love is so veracious in us WAW; we have lived without it and WITH abuse for a LONG time and feel an urgency to "start our life over" and get it right this time...Sorry for you..glad to see that you are taking care of yourself during this.
Can any of the WAW’s give me some clarity on this phenomenon? Thanks very much for any help.
I am sorry; you are calling NOT loving an abusive man and walking away a phenomenon...it is LIFE. Any woman who respects herself after living with a man who HAS NOT respected her realizes that she must RUN to be free of this oppression. Hope you find clarity and understanding to how your behavior has pushed her away and how you can "go on" and live a happy life without the possibility of "resolve". I know that I don't expect any resolve in my "marriage", dissolve is the closest thing that most of us abused wives get and some get it with the husbands having an affair and thus degrading the marriage and their value even more...sad.
- constant criticism; the "you never do anything right" attitude
- Name calling; anything from cruel and demented to "old goat" who nobody wants anymore
- Discounting: I say something and he says "It isn't that way" (devalues her opinion and perspective and calls her sanity and "common sense" into question"
- Contering: I never verbally abused you...YOU abused ME!!!!
Patricia Evans books can be loaned to you from a local library; she has examples and phrases that we have heard, time and time again. These are "just a few" of the pervasive hateful and distrespectful attitudes and statements that an abusive husband or person treats others...usually spouse.
Hi Alamo:
Glad to see that you can admit and heal from this addictive and abusive behavior...
I would suggest that you ask her kindly; away from your child if she would refrain from “correcting you” in front of him. Putting your foot down at this point might be equivalent to “putting your foot in your mouth”…is that really the kind of conversation that you want to have with her in front of your son??? You deserve respect but trust is another issue…
I would suggest that you do the housework; NOT take her money but put it into savings and get a job AND pay ½ of everything. Let her know that you have more respect for yourself that “to be paid” to care for your son or home and you will gladly do housework and work to pay your ½ of the household while supporting her for school. This is just parat of "earning your trust back" after the betrayal and pain that she has gone through. Good luck and God bless you for working on it...thre is hope but "too little too late" can come into play; it may not be possible to make up for what you have NOT given her in the past. Good luck and God bless.
Freespirit, thank you for your reply and input. I am trying to come to grips that it might be too little too late as well. At this jucture, I know that whatever or any positives that occur between my wife and I, I consider it God intervening. I remain optimistic and hopeful, Freespirit.
I do have another question for you:
Are WAWs usually pretty resolute with their decision, be it to leave, separate, etc? It's an odd question but the reason I'm asking is because outwardly, on a day to day basis, my wife has and continues to say that she's done, she wants a divorce, or that I'm not her husband anymore, etc. But she still hasn't served me the divorce papers, she still wants me to do certain things as if we're still married (I've written extensively in my threads in Newcomers), sometimes gets emotional (anger with occasional breakdown) when talking about relationship-related topics, and snoops with my things (email, accounts). I know that some of what I mentioned may just be for her own convenience, but after speaking to a couple of my female friends who left their husbands who were addicts, I had the idea that WAWs were resolute, and not in as much turmoil like my wife is.
I also realize that that turmoil might have something to do with my wife's strong religious background. But that's another matter.
Good Afternoon,
I am a recovering verbal abuser and controller for 15 months now. I noticed some on this thread that are wondering if something is verbal abuse and control. I would like to put it this way. If it doesnt feel good, it is verbal abuse. Someone simply saying Shut Up is VA. There is a kind way to say that. Can you be quiet?
Please if it doesnt feel right, it isnt. This stuff really damages a persons soul. Please become educated on it and try to educate yourself on how to address it with your SO.
There are lives at stake here. Your own, your SO, your childrens, and their children etc.
I always knew something was amiss in my life. Just never could get to the bottom of it until my W left shortly after my only child was born.
And now 43 years later i finally have gotten to the source of it and have addressed it. It will continue to be a lifelong process and i am committed to it so it stops with me.
I had to make the choice of not having a relationship with both of my parents, since they still have not admitted that their behaviour towards each other and my siblings was wrong. In their eyes, it was ok and still is.
My brother has been in prison since he was 17 and is 2 years my younger.
My sister got pregnant at 16, father of child in jail. Her daughter got pregnant at 16 and no father as well.
The pattern continues until someone figures it out and tries with all their soul to stop it.
This is not a self pity story, it is life. Please try and address it the best way you can.
Send your SO if he is a male to the MEVAC site. And men, please do not think your wife is being VA to you, because if she is, she learned it from you.
You have to change first and hope the good behaviour will be relearned through you. But you have to admit it to yourself first, then try to educate yourself and be the best husband, father, person you can be.
Please if you have any questions i will try to help. My heart bleeds for anyone else that may have to experience this...
Blessings
Hi Guys
I verbally abused my wife, I was drinking too much, lost all sense of reality really. I was jealous, controlling and generally not a nice person
I was drinking every night from getting home from work until I passed out on the sofa, I isolated her, and neglected her.
I knew it was happening, but did not see the effect it was having on her and our children, I was not a good father, I deeply loved my wife and children, but they never saw it.
15 months ago my wife left me, I was devasted, but still carried on drinking, with the drinking came more anger, more abuse, more arguments, if anything it probably strengthened her in her decision to leave me.
This carried on until 6 months ago, I woke up 1 day and knew I was a mess, something had to change.
I have not had a drink since that day, I attend AA meetings, and I'm a different person.
My wife has divorced me, I think, I'm not totally sure that the final decree has come through, but I class us as divorced.
I have my children 3 nights a week, and I'm now the parent my children always deserved.
My wife has a new partner, he was in the background when we split, I didn't know this until quite recently, again it hurts.
A little about us, we have been married 13 years and got 2 great kids, we both worked hard to get where we are, nice house, cars, holidays, etc
We have known wach other from being 10, we are both now 40, we have loved each other since we were 15-16, got together properly at 24.
We had a deeply loving, passionate relationship, we ML nearly every night, and found each other incredibly attractive, we were best friends, and loved each other.
My drinking became an issue about 5 years before we split, it was ok at first, but over the years became a big problem, hence the split.
Since I have stopped drinking, we are getting on great, we talk nearly everyday, I always try and leave all contact to come from her, and we are very honest with each other.
She has told me that she is still hurting badly from what happened, the OM is a good guy, a nice guy, but he would have never been an option if I had not hurt her.
She tells me that I have changed, and she is really happy for me, our children benefit from it mostly, and she has told me how happy it makes her seeing them with me, and how much they love me.
Today we had another talk about us, the hurt I caused, etc, and I accept what I did and why I'm where I am now.
I love this woman with all my heart, I have not only lost the love of my life, but also my best friend, we have both told each other that we miss each other, but she is still hurt from what I became, and the memories of me being abusive.
I know I don't deserve anything from this woman again, but I know that we still love each other, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her making her happy.
My question to all the people who have been abused is does the hurt heal with time, I know that time is my only friend in my situation.
I accept what I have done, I've changed back to me, I know I hurt her, but I cannot stop loving her
I can only hope that time can heal wounds, and maybe, just maybe, I can be with her again
time heals a lot.
consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
No woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their father.
Be the best dad you can be. Stay the course in your 12 step program...
and when the flaws of the OM show up, as they will, she will wonder "what IF?"
about you.
If & when she turns your way - make darn sure you are ready to be the h she deserves...
Thanks for the support
I have no worries about me and what I need to do, I just hope in time she does look back and wonder "what if"
That's all I want, then it's all down to me
And I will never hurt her or let her down again
I was in an abusive environment for years, that stripped my dignity, quite a bit of my masculinity, the pain and constant battling took a large percenteage of my mind power.
In any case we spoke about it after the fact ( we're done ), and she was like "it takes two". As if I bailed on her in the relationship.
It was insanity but quite cold as it's obvious she is going to direct a majority of the blame over to me. I've already moved on to a different situation where we haven't had even one argument in months.
But in any case I learned something about the abuse. Respect and treatment are not something to take lightly. Listen to your spouse when they communicate with you non-verbally.
Abuse physical or emotional indicate a lack of respect. Once it's gone to this point, it's done in many cases. People have to run into their own things in life to want to change.
Thanks for the support
I have no worries about me and what I need to do, I just hope in time she does look back and wonder "what if"
That's all I want, then it's all down to me
And I will never hurt her or let her down again
not to nitpick, but yes you will.
We all do. But you will never ABUSE her again.
And when you do inadvertently or carelessly hurt her, or let her down
you'll own it asap and make amends. That's all we humans can do.
Yes sorry your right, I'm human, I'll make mistakes and get things wrong, but abuse? No, drink?, no, and show disrespect?, no
I am just hoping that I get an opportunity to show her this is real
She has acknowledged my changes, she knows how I feel about her, but I hurt her, I know it and I'll never forget it
Maybe I read too much into things, but her interest in my not drinking I take as a positive?
We both know that my drinking caused 95% of our issues, so if I'm not drinking most of our/my problems are not there
She has shown genuine interest in me, I'm just hoping this is her way of looking and seeing that these changes are not just a phase but genuine changes
I've not drank for 6 months, I don't want a drink and don't miss it, I'm calmer, more focused and there are no mood swings, this is for real, this is me for the rest of my life, this for me, not for her or my kids, I'm not doing this to trick or win favour with anyone
This is me!
I just want this woman in my life again, I messed up the most important thing in the world, and I'm so sorry for it