Hello all I have just been reading some things on the internet & found I was struggling with these same issues, I just wanted some other opinions, thanks for taking the time.....
Now that you have walked away, have the reasons for walking away been justified?
And what were the reasons you walked away?
Did you find the same problems in your new relationship that you had when you walked away from your old one?
Are you thinking of walking away from this relationship as well?
Are you still with the person you walked away with and is this the relationship you thought you were going to have?
thank you for your time!
Not many WASes on here to answer these questions. I can tell you that some of them are happy as little clams.
Phoenixdeux
I bet none of them will have the balls to answer
because the true answers are...
1> NO
2> I went looking for what I already had but didn't know it until it was gone
3>Yes it made me realized that my spouse was not at fault for all of my issues
4> Yes the OM/OW was a complete jerk/a$$
5> Nope because once i realized what i had done to my spouse i knew i really loved them not om/ow
Phoenixdeux
I bet none of them will have the balls to answer
because the true answers are...
1> NO
2> I went looking for what I already had but didn't know it until it was gone
3>Yes it made me realized that my spouse was not at fault for all of my issues
4> Yes the OM/OW was a complete jerk/a$$
5> Nope because once i realized what i had done to my spouse i knew i really loved them not om/ow
I would pay good money to see AmyC's reaction to this post if she were still around.
Seriously dude, what's your point?
I bet none of them will have the balls to answer because the true answers are...
1> NO
2> I went looking for what I already had but didn't know it until it was gone
3>Yes it made me realized that my spouse was not at fault for all of my issues
4> Yes the OM/OW was a complete jerk/a$$
5> Nope because once i realized what i had done to my spouse i knew i really loved them not om/ow
small wonder WAWs don't feel like commenting with heavy-handed stuff like this being posted.
If you've already decided you know how everyone else feels and you've cast that into stone, then why are you here, Alex?
I'm sure some WAWs ARE happy as clams after having the balls to escape unfulfilling, emotionally bereft, or physically abusive relationships.
Lodo
1st my response was meant to anger ant WAS into a response
When I’m being attacked I tend defend or explain myself even if the other person can't see where i'm coming from (to get it off my chest)
2nd I've cast that stone because most of it is true (I said most)
If they weren't used to running away as a way with coping they would have stayed in thier marriages
I agree with you in a Physical abusive relationship
But leaving because "my spouse doesn't understand me" don't float for me most of us don't understand or know what we want but yet expect our spouses to know
I was hoping to get a WAS who has worked thru their issues to take a moment and answer honestly
But once they run away for a OP then that relatioship doesn't work out they try to block out any part of that experience in their life as if it never happen
some of them (like when they say & do what they do to the LBS) chose to forget things that has happen or that was said
trust me I understand that, & I wish I can forget my own experience with this but I can't and you know what it made me who I am today!
I respect a WAS who can come here in stand in the face of a LBS and take all that crap!
I guess you would say a convict who killed someone doesn't deserve a second chance? I guess you might change your mind if that was your spouse, child, parent, or sibling?
But if you say they deserved a 2nd chance, would you want them to repent to any or everybody (kind of like how Mike Vick has to go to schools talking about how dog fighting is wrong)
Now are we mean as a society to expect him to do that? & if we aren't why can't WAS to do the same or should we just leave him alone and not force him to repent
You can read thru any post of a LBS & they all are repenting
Just wanted to give a WAS a chance too
If you were looking for a WAS to answer these questions, you're fooling yourself.
You're pissed off at your sitch and were looking for someone to take out your anger on. Stop jerking people around. The WASs here aren't your W. You're pissed at your W. Fine. Don't take it out on the WASs who are here and genuinely are working to get the R back on track.
Why don't you ask your W these questions? I have a feeling that no matter what she or any other WAS says isn't going to be good enough for you. We've all been hurt dude. Get your anger out on something else.
You're pissed off at your sitch and were looking for someone to take out your anger on. Stop jerking people around. The WASs here aren't your W. You're pissed at your W. Fine. Don't take it out on the WASs who are here and genuinely are working to get the R back on track.
Agreed, full on.
Plus, this is supposed to be the forum for WAS' to work on
their issues, not to be subjected in yet another witch hunt. Seems to be a 3 month cycle before someone tries to stir up another lynch mob.
Stuck808
if you see may actions that way then so be it
that is not my intent
My intent was to allow a WAS to speak thier mind
to be honest I feel just like
My ex was a WAW. Like so many men I didn't see it coming and was just floored when it happened. I discovered DB in the aftermath when the relationship was well over. I tried the steps and went dark for a month. After a few weeks dark, she initiated contact and there was a glimmer of hope for bit, but the minute I started to feel like things could work out she was back to the same chaotic behavior. I finally had to take a hard look at my situation and I realized that I might be able to save my relationship if I was willing to fight it out for several months, maybe years. We met for dinner one night and I realized that it wasn't a path I could put myself through. I was already bitter about what were going through then and I couldn't imagine what I would be like after a year of that hell. I chose to close the door on the relationship and go on with life and it was the best decision I ever made. Two years out and I have a wonderful wife who is amazing and makes me thankful I made the decision I did. My WAW is now going through another divorce and has called me several times to let me know that she made a mistake and that she will never marry again. NOt that long ago I would have gloated over how right I was , now I just feel pity for her. My point is this gentlemen - if you are involved in a WAW situation, weigh carefully how far you're willing to go and what you're willing to put up with to make reconcile your marriage. A WAW is like a tornado, her life is a mass of choas that will will suck you up and throw you all over the place cauing untold damage. I sympathize and support those who are trying to make their marriage work and have children involved but if you're like I was (no kids just a crazy WAW who thought she knew exactly what she was doing) then consider what you're willing to go through. You didn't walk away, she did and a better life might be a lot closer than you think. I'm two years out from my WAW - I'm remarried and happier than I've ever been, her...well, she's asked me for help straightening out her life now but I'm not her husband anymore and can only do so much. Your choice - you didn't walk away and there are good women out there. I took what I learned here and used it my current marriage and while it may not be perfect, my eyes are open and I'm trying really hard not to make the same mistakes again. Two years out and truly, truly happy!!
Really? Who are you trying to fool.
"I bet none of them will have the balls to answer
because the true answers are...
1> NO
2> I went looking for what I already had but didn't know it until it was gone
3>Yes it made me realized that my spouse was not at fault for all of my issues
4> Yes the OM/OW was a complete jerk/a$$
5> Nope because once i realized what i had done to my spouse i knew i really loved them not om/ow"
yeah like that really doesn't sound judgmental and hypercritical. You just want someone to criticize. Get the balls to admit it. From your date, you've been at this for 3 years. That's a long time and I'm sorry for your sitch.
But you gotta let go and not let this hang like chains on you. Go out and GAL for yourself.
It's ashame the only diaglog that is happening is betwenn LBS
Fine.
To answer your questions as a WAH 9 years ago.
Now that you have walked away, have the reasons for walking away been justified?
Yes and they were at the time.
And what were the reasons you walked away?
Controlling manipulative wife. As long as everything went her way, everything was a-ok in the marriage.
Did you find the same problems in your new relationship that you had when you walked away from your old one?
No.
Are you thinking of walking away from this relationship as well?
No.
Are you still with the person you walked away with and is this the relationship you thought you were going to have?
Yes. Although one could say that anyone having an affair either emotional or physical has some issues...they would be right. My wife did have an MLC, and the karma burn was painful. However once past that, we are actually doing amazingly well.
I regret the pain, and I tried to mitigate it in my first wife. However, I in no way shape or form regret the decision to leave.
Thank you very much J_T_B
your sitch is totally different than most sitch I (being my sick minded) would put you in the same cat as a WAW w/ an abusive Husband (As you stated your abuse was mental)
I'm just not buying neglect as an WAS excuse
So nelgect is not a synominous form of abuse? When did this happen?
Dday101798
Neglect from Dictonary.com
1. to pay no attention or too little attention to; disregard or slight: The public neglected his genius for many years.
2. to be remiss in the care or treatment of: to neglect one's family; to neglect one's appearance.
3. to omit, through indifference or carelessness: to neglect to reply to an invitation.
4. to fail to carry out or perform (orders, duties, etc.): to neglect the household chores.
5. to fail to take or use: to neglect no precaution.
To me this word doesn’t mean abuse
From Dictionary.com
1. to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one's authority.
2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse a horse; to abuse one's eyesight.
3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.
4. to commit sexual assault upon.
5. Obsolete. to deceive or mislead.
–noun
6. wrong or improper use; misuse: the abuse of privileges.
7. harshly or coarsely insulting language: The officer heaped abuse on his men.
8. bad or improper treatment; maltreatment: The child was subjected to cruel abuse.
9. a corrupt or improper practice or custom: the abuses of a totalitarian regime.
10. rape or sexual assault.
11. Obsolete. DECEPTION.
Abuse seems to me…
having intentions to abuse, neglect seems to be to me to do or not do something with not having direct intentions to cause pain or abuse
If I forgot to pick up my wifes’ dry cleaning because I had my issue at work on my mind & drove straight home that’s neglect
If I did the same thing with the intentions of not doing anything at all for my wife that’s mean & abusive
But I can see how my wife would think I was being abusive but I most of us just found out what was going on in our spouses mind when they did what they did and that the hurt us we would find it really had nothing to do with us & that they had something else going on or their mind was elsewhere
It isn’t us that assume that our spouse has done it on purpose & we know most of them don’t do it on purpose
Their mind is just elsewhere at the time
Dday101798
Neglect from Dictonary.com
1. to pay no attention or too little attention to; disregard or slight: The public neglected his genius for many years.
2. to be remiss in the care or treatment of: to neglect one's family; to neglect one's appearance.
3. to omit, through indifference or carelessness: to neglect to reply to an invitation.
4. to fail to carry out or perform (orders, duties, etc.): to neglect the household chores.
5. to fail to take or use: to neglect no precaution.
To me this word doesn’t mean abuse
From Dictionary.com
1. to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one's authority.
2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse a horse; to abuse one's eyesight.
3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.
4. to commit sexual assault upon.
5. Obsolete. to deceive or mislead.
–noun
6. wrong or improper use; misuse: the abuse of privileges.
7. harshly or coarsely insulting language: The officer heaped abuse on his men.
8. bad or improper treatment; maltreatment: The child was subjected to cruel abuse.
9. a corrupt or improper practice or custom: the abuses of a totalitarian regime.
10. rape or sexual assault.
11. Obsolete. DECEPTION.
Abuse seems to me…
having intentions to abuse, neglect seems to be to me to do or not do something with not having direct intentions to cause pain or abuse
If I forgot to pick up my wifes’ dry cleaning because I had my issue at work on my mind & drove straight home that’s neglect
If I did the same thing with the intentions of not doing anything at all for my wife that’s mean & abusive
But I can see how my wife would think I was being abusive but I most of us just found out what was going on in our spouses mind when they did what they did and that the hurt us we would find it really had nothing to do with us & that they had something else going on or their mind was elsewhere
It isn’t us that assume that our spouse has done it on purpose & we know most of them don’t do it on purpose
Their mind is just elsewhere at the time
Wow, look at that, right in the definition of ABUSE (see #8 that I bolded for you?), bad, improper, or maltreated, synonymous with NEGLECT. Thank you for pointing that out.
Dday101798
If a parent don't give their child lunch for one day is that abuse?
If a parent doesn't feed thier child at all is that neglect?
Also what you put in bold is what Dictonary.com states as ABUSE not neglect
thesaurus.com
Abuse
Synonyms: corruption, crime, debasement, delinquency, desecration, exploitation, fault, injustice, misapplication, misconduct, misdeed, mishandling, mismanage, misuse, offense, perversion, prostitution, sin, wrong, wrongdoing
http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/abusethesaurus.com
Neglect
Synonyms: carelessness, coolness, delinquency, disdain, disregardance, disrespect, heedlessness, inadvertence, inattention, inconsideration, indifference, laxity, laxness, oversight, scorn, slight, thoughtlessness, unconcern
http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/neglectCall me ignorant, but I still can't seem to make the connection
please explain to me how you connect the two
...
symantics.
If the spouse felt neglected...brought it up and was ignored...rinse repeat...ad naseum...when is enough enough?
semantics
noun (used with a singular verb) 1. Linguistics. a. the study of meaning.
b. the study of linguistic development by classifying and examining changes in meaning and form.
2. Also called significs. the branch of semiotics dealing with the relations between signs and what they denote.
3. the meaning, or an interpretation of the meaning, of a word, sign, sentence, etc.: Let's not argue about semantics.
4. general semantics.
number 3 is my point "interpretation"
1. the act of interpreting; elucidation; explication: This writer's work demands interpretation.
2. an explanation of the meaning of another's artistic or creative work; an elucidation: an interpretation of a poem.
3. a conception of another's behavior: a charitable interpretation of his tactlessness.
4. a way of interpreting.
5. the rendering of a dramatic part, music, etc., so as to bring out the meaning, or to indicate one's particular conception of it.
6. oral translation.
Could we be neglecting (or being neglected) and interpreting that as abuse??
& if we are doing that could our spouse be doing the same & feeling the same???
Dday101798
If a parent don't give their child lunch for one day is that abuse?
If a parent doesn't feed thier child at all is that neglect?
Also what you put in bold is what Dictonary.com states as ABUSE not neglect
Call me ignorant, but I still can't seem to make the connection
please explain to me how you connect the two
As you wish, if that parent does not feed there child one time, it is neglect, when it is repeated time and time it then is concidered abusive. You can quote all the damn dictive meanings you want here, we are not speaking in terms of black and white. We are talking about poeples feelings and when someone feels neglected enough by not getting their own specific needs from their relationship with someone, they then would become to
feel abused as a result of that constant neglect.
Clearly your point here is create a pissing for distance contest with someone, sorry, I get enough of that from my XW. Thus I've made my point.
"We are talking about peoples feelings and when someone feels neglected enough by not getting their own specific needs from their relationship with someone, they then would become to feel abused as a result of that constant neglect. "
This is where we differ, it all comes down to intent if our spouse feels abused because we neglected to do something and it was an honest mistake it is not abuse no matter how many times it happens, I have done this many times (lord knows I’m not perfect) at my job, with my kids, friends, family & have it happen to me as well with what you are saying you are telling me I am abused & is abusive
With that being said you have abused & have been abused by your ex & they have done that to you as well. So everyone here has been or is abused and abusive at some point in their lives
Which means in your next relationship you will be abusive and abused….
My point is when do we stop and say maybe this isn’t abuse maybe just neglect, (I can’t believe every single WAS spouse married an abuser, some have, but most was just a miss reading the intent of the so called abuser) maybe our spouse had something else on their mind & that thier whole world doesn’t revolve around me, otherwise abuse will be found every where
Just itchin' to get your point across aren't ya.
If you neglect a child it's abuse. Sure we've all been abused in varying degrees, but many of our WASs did tell us and we didn't listen. Of course we didn't do it on purpose, but let's put it this way, if they slapped us and said "look we have a problem here" the LBS would look stunned and think that it's "their" problem.
We all had to go through this process which led to deep introspection and research to figure out what was wrong. Be honest with yourself, you wouldn't have figured all this out if your spouse didn't walk.
"We all had to go through this process which led to deep introspection and research to figure out what was wrong. Be honest with yourself, you wouldn't have figured all this out if your spouse didn't walk."
TRUE
but my point is this
she & I have misread the intent of each other our whole lives
and if my WAW smacked me like you stated she & I would have acted the way you stated
But now if her intent was to wake me up I'm now in a place to see that as that and not to go call 911 to say I'm being physically abused
which is my point. we all have done (LBS & WAS) something that was mis read as one thing when it was completely something else & most likey really had nothing to do with us in the first place.
if we don't see these things, (WAS & LBS) we a dommed to repeat the same failure in out next relationships
Which is the whole point to this Post to see what WAS realized this and if they could admit it or which one hadn't & why?
Hey Alex,
I understand the point you're trying to make and it is a valid one, striking at the heart of communication problems. If we all could have found a way to effectively communicate, A's wouldn't have happened, spouses would have felt loved, issues would have been dealt with, and we wouldn't even know this site existed.
But that isn't the case. We all had lessons to learn, as do our WAWs. However, every sitch is different and people are different. You may read one person's experience here and find something that speaks to you, but it's highly unlikely that it can be applied whole-cloth to your own sitch. And you really can't mandate that all people feel and react in the same way. If something speaks to you, great. But shouldn't you leave yourself open to the possibility that things aren't necessarily the way you decided they should be?
People are who they are. In the case of my XW, that means a person who couldn't remain faithful, who couldn't tell me what she wanted, who couldn't tell me how unhappy she was, and ultimately someone who probably doesn't have the skills (right now) to make a long term relationship work. As much as I love her, I can't change that. She has to change that. So I've had to let go, admitting to myself that as much as I tried to convince myself it should be great, it never will be because she isn't who I made her out to be.
Does that make her a bad person? No. It simply makes her who she is.
So I understand why you feel the need to belabor your point, but I hope you can also see why it doesn't do any good to cling to one particular view of reality. In your next relationship, whether in a restored marriage or with someone new, everything is going to be different anyway.
lodo
ps - i posted this before you replied. i think your reply makes sense, but your posts seem more accusatory than questioning. i think that's what everyone has responded to
Lodo
this is good
People are who they are. In the case of my XW, that means a person who couldn't remain faithful, who couldn't tell me what she wanted,
Until you know yourself how can you tell someone else, & how could you expect someone else to know you
who couldn't tell me how unhappy she was,
Once she does the soul searching she will realize the unhappiness was within herself, & no man could make her happy & that it was unfair to ask you to
and ultimately someone who probably doesn't have the skills (right now) to make a long term relationship work.
Because we were never taught that as children look @ our parent’s relationship it’s probably just as bad as ours
As much as I love her, I can't change that. She has to change that. So I've had to let go, admitting to myself that as much as I tried to convince myself it should be great, it never will be because she isn't who I made her out to be
And the reason she left is because you weren’t who she made you out to be, but (in her mind) the OM is like you were at some point
So I understand why you feel the need to belabor your point, but I hope you can also see why it doesn't do any good to cling to one particular view of reality.
There is no reality it’s what you see & how that make you feel & what I see & how that make me feel my truth & your truth
If it’s abuse it’s abuse, because that is how I see it, but what if it is just neglect?
In your next relationship, whether in a restored marriage or with someone new, everything is going to be different anyway.
Yes it will be because I will not try to save another person or get serious with some who has not worked on or through their own issues
As a female, I don't really like to be referred to as "having balls", but as for having the courage to face you, I think it would take little. I am just finding this thread of yours and I would gladly answer you questions if I had actually left my M. But, I was really an almost WAW, so I suppose that disqualifies me. However, I can readily see your hatred for all WAW's and the plain fact of the matter is that you want to fight. Don't make the mistake of judging all women by your W and/or their reason for leaving their M. You are a young, immature man who has much to learn. But, far be it from me to try to teach anyone who already thinks he knows all the answers.
Bravo, Sandi. I agree.
This vitriol is not what I occasionally visit this site for. I visit to learn.
Interesting that there have been no more such posts since you commented over two weeks ago.
[i][b]Now that you have walked away, have the reasons for walking away been justified?
Those reasons were justified by my husband himself. When I left, he got extremely busy addressing the things I told him as I was walking away. He took seriously what I said in the year of 'the bomb' and improved his listening/communication skills in such a way that we could connect and work things out.
And what were the reasons you walked away?
No connection. My husband didn't 'see' me. I wanted more in a relationship - specifically PARTNERSHIP. We didn't have that, hadn't had it for at least a decade and I needed it. I didn't feel loved.
Did you find the same problems in your new relationship that you had when you walked away from your old one?
No, because my new relationship is with my husband who, referencing your first question, gets it.
Are you thinking of walking away from this relationship as well?
I have skills now, too, thanks to my husband, which assist me in expressing my thoughts, feelings, needs. These skills in concert with what my husband has learned give us the ability to work through, rather than walk away from our difficulties. So no, I am not thinking of walking away again.
Are you still with the person you walked away with and is this threlationship you thought you were going to have?
I didn't have another person waiting in the wings when I walked. I walked away in pain - not to be rescued.
You are welcome. I am one of many people on this board who have suffered or are suffering, yet we still give of our experience here in order to be helpful - sort of pay it forward. You would do well, Alex, to see the value in this rather than baiting and mindreading. It oozes from your posts. Folks here know the pain I suspect you feel. We're about problem solving and support. We offer that to you, too. Be nice.
Cheers ~
Greek
You would do well, Alex, to see the value in this rather than baiting and mindreading. It oozes from your posts. Folks here know the pain I suspect you feel. We're about problem solving and support. We offer that to you, too. Be nice.
He hasn't posted here since he started this thread, almost a month ago; I think he left because he didn't get what he wanted out of it.
Nevertheless, I think it's great you addressed his questions. To hear you describe it, it sounds like you are in a similar space to my wife, and I was in a similar space to Coach.
The fact that he stepped up and worked to change what made you unhappy (which is something I've been trying to do -- learned a bit from the answers my wife gave me while I was pursuing early on) and that led to an eventual reconciliation gives me hope.
We're still in the same house, can be affectionate to each other (hugs, the occasional kiss) and are sleeping in separate beds while she tries to work things out for herself. She says she's willing to do MC but won't commit to a timeframe yet. I think she's trying to decide if she wants to stay before taking that step; which to me is putting the cart before the horse, but it's her decision.
Even my friend who is divorced and (happily) remarried says that this is a big improvement over where we were a month ago. She never got that much from her XH, so the fact that we've come this far is a victory in and of itself.
Now that you have walked away, have the reasons for walking away been justified?
Well he's still not reaching out to me, so...?
And what were the reasons you walked away?
It wasn't any one thing but my major problem was that he'd ignore me and not speak to me for days/weeks/month and seemed very uninterested in me or spending any time with me.I felt extremely alone in my M. When we did speak, it was mostly a fight.
Did you find the same problems in your new relationship that you had when you walked away from your old one?
N/A. I left for my sanity/for me and because I got tired of being in a completely silent home, with a silent H, and anytime there was any movement in my house it was loud as hell.
Are you thinking of walking away from this relationship as well?
N/A
Are you still with the person you walked away with and is this the relationship you thought you were going to have?
N/A