Now What? - 09/01/09 04:48 PM
Been DB'ing for a little over a year now. W had an EA last summer, that's how I found the DB info. Got a coach, Got a life, got my W back. For a while.
This spring, change in her attitude. From ML 3x a week to nothing. Last time was horrible - truly felt she was disgusted with everything, including me. Discovered another EA with a different guy. Confronted her on the EA, got some good advice from Puppy and others over on the affairs thread.
Stopped the "spying" after it looked like the EA ended, but I don't know about now. Engaged a good friend in my sitch. She was the maid of honor at our weeding. Probably knows my W better than anyone. Gave me some really good insight into her mind and where she might be at. Following some good advice from her that cooresponds with the advice from my coach.
Currently using more of an AS IF mentality. Have considered going dark, but friend advised against it. She liked the AS IF approach.
Have asked W twice about us. First time was the usual ILYBNILWY message but also that we need couseling. I agreed, told her that the couseling I was getting was good for me. Asked her to find a counselor for us to go to. Bad reaction - "why do i always have to do everything". Told her that the last time I tried, she hated who I picked and that I would not find a counselor for her, or set up the appointments. Told her I would not move out. Told her that I was committed to make our marriage work.
Have not intiated sex. Have recently tried to kiss her again - with some good and bad reactions. Occasionally gave her a back rub while watching TV together. Stopped asking her to go to movies or on anything that might resemble a date. Mostly just living together as room mates raising our kids.
Asked her a month ago about us again - we were going on seperate trips, wouldn't see each other for 14 days. Asked her to think about us and what she wanted to do. Told her I was tired of not moving in any direction, either backward or forward. I just want to move somwhere; that not getting moving in any direction is driving me crazy. Asked her to find a couselor and tell me when the first appointment is.
Nothing. She's commented on my GAL attitude. Says my going out is good. Asks where I was going, etc... trying to be a friend again with her. Talking like we did before; sharing my day with her. Thinking we are making good progress.
Friend advised an activity together for us - maybe something more for us to connect a bit more. She suggested dancing. So I did some research and found some dancing lessons (since I suck at dancing). Told her yesterday that we could go to some dance lessons last night, if she wanted. Big push back. Challenging questions. Made a mistake on that one. She spent the night in the basement doing laundry. Asked her if it was just last night - would she still be interested in dancing lessons together at another time. No response.
So now what... my friend advises confrontation. Asking W again where we stand - having a R talk. Her husband suggested kicking the B****H out. Do I continue with the AS IF approach. Do I go dark? Do I initiate the R talk and force the counseling? Do I ask her to leave?
We need the counseling. I think she needs to talk with someone, anyone.
I'm ok with her leaving -I really think she needs to be out on her own to clear her head. But she's somewhat narciscistic - she wouldn't do anything that would reflect bad on her - everything seems to be all about her. Sometimes I believe she is just waiting for me to leave so it would be "my" fault. But I'm not leaving.
So, now what?
This spring, change in her attitude. From ML 3x a week to nothing. Last time was horrible - truly felt she was disgusted with everything, including me. Discovered another EA with a different guy. Confronted her on the EA, got some good advice from Puppy and others over on the affairs thread.
Stopped the "spying" after it looked like the EA ended, but I don't know about now. Engaged a good friend in my sitch. She was the maid of honor at our weeding. Probably knows my W better than anyone. Gave me some really good insight into her mind and where she might be at. Following some good advice from her that cooresponds with the advice from my coach.
Currently using more of an AS IF mentality. Have considered going dark, but friend advised against it. She liked the AS IF approach.
Have asked W twice about us. First time was the usual ILYBNILWY message but also that we need couseling. I agreed, told her that the couseling I was getting was good for me. Asked her to find a counselor for us to go to. Bad reaction - "why do i always have to do everything". Told her that the last time I tried, she hated who I picked and that I would not find a counselor for her, or set up the appointments. Told her I would not move out. Told her that I was committed to make our marriage work.
Have not intiated sex. Have recently tried to kiss her again - with some good and bad reactions. Occasionally gave her a back rub while watching TV together. Stopped asking her to go to movies or on anything that might resemble a date. Mostly just living together as room mates raising our kids.
Asked her a month ago about us again - we were going on seperate trips, wouldn't see each other for 14 days. Asked her to think about us and what she wanted to do. Told her I was tired of not moving in any direction, either backward or forward. I just want to move somwhere; that not getting moving in any direction is driving me crazy. Asked her to find a couselor and tell me when the first appointment is.
Nothing. She's commented on my GAL attitude. Says my going out is good. Asks where I was going, etc... trying to be a friend again with her. Talking like we did before; sharing my day with her. Thinking we are making good progress.
Friend advised an activity together for us - maybe something more for us to connect a bit more. She suggested dancing. So I did some research and found some dancing lessons (since I suck at dancing). Told her yesterday that we could go to some dance lessons last night, if she wanted. Big push back. Challenging questions. Made a mistake on that one. She spent the night in the basement doing laundry. Asked her if it was just last night - would she still be interested in dancing lessons together at another time. No response.
So now what... my friend advises confrontation. Asking W again where we stand - having a R talk. Her husband suggested kicking the B****H out. Do I continue with the AS IF approach. Do I go dark? Do I initiate the R talk and force the counseling? Do I ask her to leave?
We need the counseling. I think she needs to talk with someone, anyone.
I'm ok with her leaving -I really think she needs to be out on her own to clear her head. But she's somewhat narciscistic - she wouldn't do anything that would reflect bad on her - everything seems to be all about her. Sometimes I believe she is just waiting for me to leave so it would be "my" fault. But I'm not leaving.
So, now what?