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Posted By: Goodfight Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 05/20/09 02:35 PM
My husband that suffers from depression left on Nov. 6th and moved in with his father and step-mother. He filed for a no-fault divorce in the middle of Jan. When I got the papers I called him a mess then calmed down waited a couple of hours and called back and told him I will give him what he wants and he had NO clue to what I was talking about. I said the divorce and he said he didn't want it and then changed the subject really quick!!

He stopped taking his meds 3 weeks before he left and I had no clue! Thought he was just stressed due to work etc. He was snapping at me and the kids..little things and then all of a sudden left. Said it was the marriage creating his depression.

His parents do not believe in depression so they agreed. We have been married 13yrs. and they weren't in our lives with his last episode so they have NO clue. He started to take his meds. at the end of Jan. and by the end of Feb. was calling and joking around. That lasted for 2 to 3 weeks then all of a sudden back to the angry husband! Oh, by the way his parents are pushing for the divorce.

Here he admitted to me that he stopped taking the meds again saying he didn't need them and wasn't taking pills the rest of his life. At first I begged and pleaded for him to come home and then I stopped.

I purchased Divorce Busting and trying very hard not to call or anything! This weekend coming he is finally getting his own place, which my counselor said from the beginning if he would just get out of their house and be on his own he will realize what he has done! She counseled him before for his depression but now he refuses any help at all!

Me and my daughter go because we are a mess (she is 12yrs. old). My son from a previous marriage is also very bitter but he is 18 and I can't make him go. He claims he's ok but he's not. This is the only father he knows plus my in-laws and my husband don't bother with him at all since the separtation!

These are people that claim I was the best thing for him (my husband) and that they loved all of us soooo much and not even a phone call to see how we are doing!!!! They know how financially hard it is on me and the kids and also know that I have no other family! Dad passed years ago and mom is sick with brain tumors!! Not only did he leave us but so did they! I love him so much and now I'm in a deep depression and don't know where to turn or what to do!!

Then over his visit with our daughter on the weekend she came home very upset because he had my name (tatoo) removed. She wants him to come home so bad and I told her everything will be ok either way. I don't know why he had to do that or why he would do it! I understand that when depressed he is a very angry person and doesn't think clearly but this pushed me and her over the edge I think.

Then we have a hearing on May 15th because he is in contempt of court for not going to our daughter's counseling appointments and he just drops it!! Well is lawyer does!!! He didn't even go in the room!!! His step-mother did!!! He does not want to even see our daughter now!! This was his baby girl!!! How do we go on from here??? Has anyone out there had their in-laws involved in making the decisions?? I'm so scared right now!! Our family is and has fallen apart!!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 05/22/09 08:40 PM
To answer the title of your thread in question, 6 months is about the average time before results (indications), be postive or negative tend to begin to surface.

Lost, as I said in your other thread, and I know it may be so hard to do, but you need to take your mind off of this!!! NOW! The longer you hurt and the longer you just continue to do nothing and be consumed by it not only will be it harder on you overall, but your child!

In the beginning, when I HAD my children, I did the same, go home, sit outside and be depressed and miserable. Thinking that I was doing everyone a favor by being outside, "out of sight out of mind". Eh-eh, wrong, learned that the day I came in after doing that for weeks and both my boys were crying in the kitchen.

Hmm, wonder why I no longer have rights to anything more than every other weekend with my boys? Food for thought.

And more to chew on. For the last month and half I made great progress, letting her go, getting on with life with me and my boys as my focus. Guess what I did the last two days? Sat in the yard, miserable and depressed and just let life pass me by an dit hurt like hell. But, it didn't last long, but just goes to show, it will always linger in the back of your mind and th longer you let it consume you now, the longer it will take you to heal when you fall later on.

hope that makes some sense.
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 05/26/09 02:59 PM
Thanks dday! I know you are right as far being consumed and that I also have to push myself but you do know how hard it is. Believe me I wish I was a stronger person, always thought I was stronger than this. I will take your advice and try my hardest to take my mind off of my problems!!!

Just wish there was a button that someone could push to stop all of the hurt and pain that me and the children are going through!!

Thanks for everything!!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 05/26/09 03:22 PM
Not a problem, I wish there was that "button" for all of us, unfortunately, there isn't one.

Yes, I know exactly how hard it is, but once you get rolling in a positive direction, you will pick up speed with it. just know, their will be times when you miss a shift in gears, but that is normal.

Also, after having my boys for the weekend and listening to some of their comments, let me share a revelation I JUST made re-reading this thread:

When I was in my down and out days, my boys did not want to spend much time with me (for obvious reason), and would fight over who was "going over my mom's". The more I worked on myself, the more they both wanted to spend more time with me and less with her. Now I'm not saying the goal here is to "win your child's love over and make them think less of the other parent", but rahter, the better off you are, the less your child will miss him.

guess my point is, he doesn't show and hurt or pain, not many WAW's I've heard of do, but you are displaying all these emotions and would you rather be someone who wasn't?
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 05/26/09 04:07 PM
I understand what you are saying! Keep me posted on how you are doing also!!!
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 06/25/09 02:12 PM
Well, there is still on contact at all!! My H sent our daughter a card for elementary graduation, (June 6) but no phone number or address! Also didn't give her anything for graduation!!

She was upset again because she can't contact him. I know he is only living a few miles away and I do have the address but he doesn't know I know it!!

His Lawyer dropped him, I guess because he made a fool out of her by not following the conditions that he would go to counseling for our daughter, and must have told her he was attending!!!

Is there anyone out there that had a WAH or WAS that was suffering from depression or anyone that could help me out with my sitch????

I hardly get any responses and I don't know why! Do I just give up on the marriage??? Is this normal for him to just push not only me away but our D and his Step-son (that he raised for 13yrs.)?
Posted By: Kalni Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 06/25/09 08:36 PM
Lost,
I am sorry you dont get any responses. Keep posting and journaling. Sometimes people dont know what to say, I know I dont.

Nobody can advise you to give up on your marriage unless YOU want to. What do you want to do? Have you ever talked to him about your D and her feelings, your son's also?

How about talking to the C that knows him? Could she give you some advise?
xxx
K
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 06/26/09 12:22 PM
Hi Lost,

Keep hanging in there as best you can.

As Kalni said, only YOU can determine your specific situation, only YOU know your H well enough to know whether or not he has 'checked out'.

If it helps, my opinion: If there were no infidelity involved, I would have waited decades for my XW to come back to reality. So maybe you can apply that to your situation. I now see how the death of my MIL sent my XW into a 'alternate reality', her own version of depression, but as siad, she left me and replaced my position in my children's lives with someone else and that I can not and will not ever let just ride until her 'alternate reality' crashes around her.

Hope that helps some.
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 06/26/09 02:34 PM
Hi K and D,

I tried at first to talk to him about D and S's feelings but he said that they will be fine! That was when he first left!!!
Those words are his step-mother's words, TRUST ME!

He did go to a couple of our D's Counseling appts. and her C told him that she was depressed, sad, and suffering from anxiety but he never said anything!! Even when I told her C that his step-mother said it was her hormones and not the cause of his leaving! Our D's C said it was NOT her hormones and that this is affecting her big time and probably the same with my S!!!

When we had the hearing for contempt for him not attending the counseling sessions, drinking and driving (with D in car), and H not spending his alloted time with her he dropped all visitation and dropped his attending counseling with our D!!!

Like I said before he didn't even go into the hearing his step-mother and Lawyer did!!! Since then his lawyer dropped him I'm assuming because he was lying to her about taking his meds., going to our D's counseling etc.!!!

I mean guys how the hell do you Dbust when he has completely wiped us all out of his life for the past 7 weeks???

Dday, don't know if he has someone now or not so I guess that is why I don't know whether to wait or not!! I do want my marriage back so bad!! I love him very much!

I don't know what I would do if I was in your position! And I give you credit for not putting up with it when she does realize what she gave up and wants to come back!!! Because you never know, she might just do that!!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 06/26/09 02:50 PM
((Lost))

I haven't commented here because I really have no idea what to say that might help. Just know, that I'm here reading and supporting you no matter what you decide to do.

As to DBing with a 100% absent spouse....it's not about your spouse. It's about you. DB for yourself. It's the GAL activities and the 180's that you do that will help you grow as a person that will bring you out the other side of this with a new attitude.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 06/26/09 02:53 PM
Originally Posted By: Lost41
Dday, don't know if he has someone now or not so I guess that is why I don't know whether to wait or not!! I do want my marriage back so bad!! I love him very much!


Ok, then and I'm sure I've said this before, you need to just let him be and live life right now for YOU and YOUR children. Your H is on 'mental leave of absense', that is the way you have to look at it. Nothing you can say or do can change that, only he can.

Detach, forget him and most of all forget his god forsaken step-mother, she has nothing to do with this.

If no one else is involved in a relationship sense then you need to ask yourself once and for all, if I love this man that much, am I willing to endure however long it takes for him to get better? I think you already know the answer to that question as it is. And thus you need prepare yourself for the possiblity he may not get better and come back. Simple fact is you can't do much about it, he's a big boy and reality will take care of him in due time. Take care of yourself and your kids, remind them their father loves them, but he is sick (fill in your own words of tenderness), and live the best you can for now for yourself and them.

Keep yourself as busy as possible with them and for yourself and time will pass quickly. Sitting and dwelling on this all the time will only slowly erode your sanity as well and then your kids will have 2 MIA parents.

Lastly, I still say you should have the step-mother barred from the court room, I had my XW's fiance with no problem.
Posted By: kiwi000 Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 06/28/09 09:51 AM
Hi Lost41,

My WAW was diagnosed with depression after she left. If there had not been OM, I would have probably gone back when she wanted to reconcile. But I could not get past OM issue and damage done. My experience is that DBing works but it takes a long time with a WAW. My experience better with the support of her family though, something it sounds like you don't have right now.

My advice is to keep on trying; only YOU can decide when to give up and that will be when you are ready to. Keep DBing, GAL but don't go too dark as a depressed person will probably see that as confirmation that they are unworthy anyway.

In terms of dealing with depression, I found a few useful message boards but I can't find their details anymore. My sugestion is that you should talk to your friends and family as they should be good listeners.
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 06/29/09 03:34 PM
Dday and KO, I don't know if he has someone else or not!!! That is what the problem is right now!! That's why I don't know whether to wait and see if he gets better or not!!!! KO, I don't have choice but to go dark, since he has done that!!! I have no phone number or current address. Though I do know he is only 15min. away!!! I sent a note about our daughter's dress that I needed returned and his step-mother put on it RETURN TO SENDER!

So I have no way to let him know we love and miss him!!! I don't have his family support at all!!! They don't even call the children!! They believe all the lies I guess that he told them!!! He lies when depressed because he won't look like the bad guy!!
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 06/29/09 03:36 PM
Thank you both for being there for me!!!!!
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 07/01/09 04:33 PM
Thanks Mish!!!
Posted By: Purple Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 07/02/09 01:29 AM
Your h is just digging himself a big, deep hole of being a crap dad.

My counsellor said to me (when I was complaining about my h's actions and how much they were affecting d7) that I had to step up and be the parent. No amount of complaining would change things, it was up to me to fill both mum and dad shoes at that point in time. We have been separated for 2.5 years and it's still a roller coaster ride. He doesn't want to let go but he seems to be unable to put the work in that I need to see from him to know he is serious and not just wanting me as a 'teddy bear'.
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 07/02/09 01:52 PM
Purple,

I am doing the stepping up as far as being both parents. Did your H stay away from your D in the beginning?

Is H trying to reconcile? Just curious......mine doesn't contact us at all since May 15th.

I wish I could just get over him already but I love him too much.
Posted By: kiwi000 Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 07/19/09 09:42 AM
Hey Lost, I get that completely. I love(d) WAS way too much just to give up.

In a way I still have not given up yet although when WAS wanted to consider reconciling, there was not enough change for me to rush back. I was and am alot more wary. I tell myself I am over it but I'm not 100% sure of that.

P{ost that, there's been little contact although we share custody of S4. I have moved to be close and given up on career advancement overseas so that I can be here for S4. I dob't regert that at all.

WAS is very worried that people will judge her for being depressed, her PA and for leaving. If your WAS is the same, I suggest making sure he knows you do not judge; you just want to work together to find a way forward whatever that will be....
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 07/21/09 03:39 PM
Well, our D12 sent him his Fathers Day card over 3 weeks ago with a letter just saying what she has been up to etc. and that he loves and misses him but he never responded. She even put at the end to please write her back.

So now I really don't know what to believe is going on with him. I'm so confused. No contact in over 2 months at all from him.

Wish I could just get over it all and move on but I still love him and want to work this out.
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 07/21/09 07:15 PM
kiwi,

I don't know how to even begin anything. As far as letting H know that I won't judge. He changed his phone number or something about 1 month ago I think. Our D tried to call his cell and it was changed, disconnected, or no longer in service.

So I don't even know where to begin as far as Dbusting anymore. I'm getting to the point that I should just give up because he and his depression no longer want us together.

I'm having such a horrible day today. All I want to do is cry! I can't believe no closure, NOTHING from him. Just went into hiding.
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 07/21/09 07:24 PM
Dday,

I know that you are right, but I can't tell you how controlling his Step-mother is of everyone around her. We always got along, I would just keep my mouth shut when she would pull the stunts with her other family members but this is totally insane.

I really believe she is holding him back somehow and I will not allow her to be in any more hearings that we may have. I told my attorney that already.

We have one coming up on the 3rd of August for our D's braces and I don't know if he is going to show or not but if he is there with them (his father and step-mother), she will not be in the room.

I've had it already. She puts this act on like she loves H so much all of a sudden since we separated and hardly bothered with him before so I know this is a game with her and a control thing. I just wish that he would realize what he is losing but I'm starting to lose all hope again.
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 07/24/09 02:31 PM
Don't know what to do. Still not a word from him. Never wrote our D12 back or anything. Don't know whether to think it is the depression, MLC, or he just doesn't love any of us anymore. I'm so confused and upset. One thing I do believe his that his step-mother, the one that told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him is controlling part of this.

I'm so sure of that. Heck she pushed 3 out of 4 of my FIL's children away, they haven't spoken in years and he never even got to meet any of his other grandchildren. Only her 2 D's counted not any of his and they have been married over 30yrs.

I'm just so lost right now and could use some support.
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 07/30/09 05:58 PM
Kiwi,

How long did it take for your WAS to realize and want to reconcile? Just curious.....starting to get a little nervous because it is close to 9 months now.

And it will be almost 3 months without any contact from him at all.
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 07/31/09 03:17 PM
Well there is a hearing that we need to go to for our D's braces, since there is no contact on his part I had to file for him to pay his monthly portion.

I'm a nervous wreck....I don't know how to act or what to do. Maybe he won't even show. But if he does our D's counselor wants me or my attorney to let him know that he can contact our D. We are thinking maybe his step-mother since she is the only one that went into the visitation hearing for contempt on his part told him that he isn't suppose to contact her. I don't know, I'm very confused but will let him know some how that it is fine for him to contact her and that she loves and misses him very much!

Any suggestions would be great....please advise! Thanks everyone!
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 08/03/09 05:09 PM
Well we had our hearing today for our D's braces.

At the hearing he was livid to say the least. I've never seen him so mad in my entire marriage. He said a lot of things that didn't make sense. Like he said to me and my attorney "You all got what you wanted". He was talking about the visits with our daughter. He called my attorney, our daughter's counselor, and me all liars and that we turned our daughter against him. My attorney tried to tell him that my H was the one that dropped the visitation and I don't think it even sank through! His anger has gotten a lot worse...I guess from them doubling his meds and then he stopped taking them. He was filled up, shaking, and yelling all at the same time!

I told him that our D loves and misses him and that she sent him a card and letter and he claims he never received it. I thought that is what he was going to say! Then he tells my attorney that the reason he stopped going to our D's counseling was because of an arguement that we had at one of her sessions (she wasn't in the room). I said to him that wasn't true, you came to the one after that one. He said "no I didn't". My attorney is now telling me to pursue the divorce since he is acting like this because he doesn't see any way that my H would want to reconcile.

I don't know what to do....he is not himself, he is sick. I want to save our marriage somehow. My H did say he will contact our D but was having a fit because she hasn't called him. I said we don't have your phone number and he in return said "you could have looked it up on the internet", I told him you can't just look up anyone's cell number on the internet.

I really don't know what to think anymore....do I give up on trying to save this M? Is my attorney right? I'm so confused.
Posted By: K4D Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 08/03/09 05:14 PM
I posted on your other thread.

Kevin
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 08/03/09 07:14 PM
Thanks K4D! You have been a great help! How are things going for you? Do you at least have contact?
Posted By: K4D Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 08/03/09 07:32 PM
Yes. I see my W once a week on Sundays for a few minutes when we exchange the kids. Other than that, she does not contact me unless it is directly related to the kids.

I'm doing ok. I'm still standing.

Thanks for asking,

Kevin
Posted By: breakaway Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 08/03/09 08:36 PM
Hi Lost...

sorry for what you're going through...you've spoken about your daughter's counseling appointments. What does the counselor say? Sorry, but this behavior doesn't really sound like depression, especially when you add in the insane stepmother. What grown person brings their stepmother to a hearing???

Please investigate information on personality disorders and discuss them with your counselor. I hate to say this fits a very sad and sick pattern. If you are dealing with something of this nature, or even something like depression, DB really has its limitations. Still you've received some good advice about detachment. But it's not really so simple when you're managing this kind of rampant instability.
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 08/04/09 02:32 PM
Hi Kevin,

Why was the D dismissed then? Is she thinking about reconcilation?

Hi Breakaway,

H's step-mother rules all! I totally agree that NO adult should bring their parents to a hearing but that is the way she is....pretends she cares about him when I know for a fact she doesn't. Just an act in front of his F. But I could just hear her now....I'm going and that's all that's to it. And even FIL is ruled by her. So they go. She calls all the shots even with her brothers and other family members. I have seen it so much in the last 10yrs.!

Our D's C said for them to just write to each other for now so that's why our D sent the card and letter but he claims he never received it. And she goes to the mail box every day waiting for a response. He said yesterday that he will be contacting her but I don't know what to think.

Her C said that Daddy is ill and until he gets better there is nothing that she can do for him. And that she needs to just worry about herself and be a kid. And hopefully he will get help and get better. We have an appt. coming up this week and I also put a call into her to see what she suggests I tell our D.
Posted By: kiwi000 Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 08/08/09 09:31 AM
Hi Lost, it was 15 months so don't give up yet..... we've been apart for 2 years and 3 months now and it's still a roller coaster.

Sorry for my delayed repsosne, I have been travelling since my last post.
Posted By: Goodfight Re: Is 6 months too long for any hope? - 08/11/09 06:53 PM
Hi KO,

I don't want to give up at all but I can't believe he doesn't want any contact with me at all! I don't know what the heck I did. He's the one that left and filed for a no fault D.

No word since then as far as the D goes though. I never got any papers to sign or anything and now since the hearing on the 3rd of August he doesn't have a lawyer anymore but he is soooo angry!

I just can't figure out why he is so angry, my C said it is part of his depression but I don't know what to think.

I hope you had fun travelling!
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