my story adventures of a WAW! - DivorceBusting.com

my crazy mess!

The above is a link to my first thread. I have a current thread also in newbies, titled my crazy mess #2!! The title fits for me, as most days that is what I am!!LOL

I will give a synopse of my story! Married, happy (weren't we all) after 2 years things went downhill and they went there like a snowboard on speed! I put myself in IC, went on meds, thought it would help...it didn't. Things just got worse. Finally, my H, helped to put the icing on the cake. He was at a party, drunk and got a ride to another party from his exgirlfriend, normally, I would probably be upset;however, I was home sober if he needed a ride, and they text messaged each other back and forth all night. From that point on, I was gone. Our marriage was already in shambles, now what little faith I had in him was out the door, and trust, well that too, was down the toilet. So the following January, while he was on vacation, I packed the house and our 3 dogs and moved. He begged, pleaded, we did go to counseling, but then the phone bill came. He was texting the exgirlfriend again....so I filed for D. I am by no means saying I have been an angel. I know that I b@tched over many petty things, when he needed a friend, I wasn't there, and we fought about money constantly. Money was huge between us, mainly because I had inherited some money when my parents died and kept that part of my life to myself, I held onto to it with all of might.

I bought a house in a town 25 miles away from him. I stopped thinking about things for a while. Then he slowly started coming back into my thoughts, but not in an angry way anymore. I started thinking about him the way I used to. I started to remember the good times instead of the fights. I started to remember talking to him at the end of a long work day. The good things. So I called him, he agreed to meet for a drink, I told him I would like to work on things. I've never seen a reaction like the one he made that night. I don't know if he even knew, should I cry, or should scream.

So now I will bring you to the present. As all of that was last year. We stopped all legal action on our divorce, that was done last May. We have seen each other on and off since then, and text on and off as well. I know what I have done, and how much I hurt him, but I did say vows "better or worse" and I do want to do all that I can, with the help of God, to honor those words. I truly believe in my H's heart he's hurt and scared and doesn't know what to do, so I am attempting to do all I can, to show him the changes that I have made within myself. I am no longer a mean angry monster. I am trying hard each day to live for that day. I am seeing the world in color, not just black and white....what I mean by that is this. I wanted everything just so, perfect house, perfect husband, white picket fence, no speed bumps down our road. Life is full of color, and without seeing that, I missed so many things. I tried to be a perfectionist, in an unperfect world.

I am here to get advice from anyone that is willing to give. I believe we are all here for the same reason, to become better people, because when we become better people, our S's will see that, and hopefully our R/M's will succeed.

That's my story...or at least the synopsis!!!
take care,
Christa

Christa I have read through your posts and I think you are doing a great job. I know how discouraging it can be but it seems like you are fighting the good fight. I wish my wife could have the revelation that you have had before it is too late for my heart to ever be open again. I don't know if I am in the early stages of complete detachment or just starting to move from pain and fear to hurt and anger. Which ever it is, I am concerned about the future. When I read about the WAW's that see through the fog and have a change of heart it encourages me in some ways but in others it does not. It is frightening to me because it looks like it takes several months at the minimum and like you, I am not a patient person.

When I read your posts I really feel for you but I can honestly understand where your H is coming from too. While I know it is hard to be patient when you feel torn up inside over the waffling of your H, I would take it as a good sign that he is still on the fence.

Good luck to you Christa.

Thanks Jay...I am being patient!! Somedays it is hard, as you well know. I know it may sound crazy, but I just have this feeling inside of me, this is what I am supposed to be doing. I know in my heart that God will let me know when it is time to let go. But for now, He is giving me strength, courage and hope to keep my head held high and to fight for my R/M. I totally agree that it is a positive that my H is still wavering. I think if he truly wanted to end things, he has a lawyer on retainer...I think he would have already pulled the trigger and gotten on with pushing the D...but he hasn't. When and if she decides to come back, it will be so hard to get past those feelings of anger and resentment...I know because when my H and I used to talk about reconciling, it's all he could say, how hurt and angry he was, and how could he ever trust me again. I don't have all of the answers. I just try to think of things in different ways now. I try to think of the good times instead of all of the bad times...like thinking of our wedding day and how that was truly the best day of my life so far. And the day he proposed to me....and sometimes when I think about those things, my anger and feelings of rage would start to subside. In your case you have kids also to think about. I know it must have hurt them tremendously when their mother left, but children are resilient(sp) and if/when she would come back think of what is yet to come. I recently heard a saying and I try to think of it daily now and use it in live my life.... "if you live always looking back thru the rearview mirror of life and not looking forward, your setting yourself up to crash"...I just kind of like that little quote!

As for your sitch, I know how devistating it must be for you to watch your life crumble before your eyes. It's been one month since she left, I am sure you are hitting your anger stage which must be hard for you. Take time out for yourself. Work on GAL, take time to do things not only with your boys, but with your guy friends. It's important for you, so you can attempt to keep your sanity. I know it's easier said than done, and it took me at least 8-9 months to really get this whole DB thing down. But, in the end, if saving your R/M is what you want, this is a good place to be. You can do this, you are doing this. God gives you everything you need to fight the battle, it's finding the strength, courage and confidence He has already instilled within you to continue on fighting the good fight. He wouldn't set you up for something you couldn't handle. Believe in yourself!

Take care JS (((((BIG BIG BIG HUGS)))))
Christa

Christa,

Just wanted to stop by and offer my support.

Originally Posted By: christarn

I know it may sound crazy, but I just have this feeling inside of me, this is what I am supposed to be doing. I know in my heart that God will let me know when it is time to let go. But for now, He is giving me strength, courage and hope to keep my head held high and to fight for my R/M.

I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that. It is not crazy at all. I feel the same way. Others have told me to move on and give up, but I also feel that God will put it on my heart when it is time to move on.

I spoke with a good friend last night who told me to move on. He has known my H and I since we met. We all went to school together in the Navy. He only remembers us as we were 8 yrs ago. My H has always been a great guy, but he was young then. I told him that I would not give up on my marriage b/c I love my H and leaving him is what got me here. Long story short he began to give me advice on how to save my M which was very much like DBing. Although one thing different is that he told me to ask my H when he would file or I would file myself. I am not so sure about this advice as long as we are making progress as little as it may be.

HIC, I'm also happy to hear that you have the same feelings that I do. My friends and family have told me time and time again to move on. Your H is out partying and having a great time, and your going to let him do that, etc etc. But I just know that at this point God is giving me the strength I need to continue on fighting for my H/R/and M. It's so crazy, every time I feel like I'm supposed to give up, I pray, or read scripture, and I'm back to being just as motivated to continuning on. As I said before, He will let me know when it is time to let go.

One of my dear friends, has also been a total DB coach, I don't know where or how she knows what she knows, but she is my biggest advocate for saving my M. She is the one of finally got it thru to me to stop chasing and really work on GAL. And she has never read any of Michelles stuff!!! She's like girls, you gotta start making him wonder what the hell your up too!!! Let him start chasing you!! She and I talk daily, and I believe God brought her into my life at the right time, to help me thru this. she has also been a great prayer partner too. she's been a true blessing! I do agree with what you said about your friend. I think if you ask your H at what point would he ask for a D, it may be a stumbling block. Or he may wonder why is she asking me that. I wouldn't advise going that far. I think you are doing great with where you are now. Keep on doing what you are doing. If you come to a bump in your road, change things up a bit, then watch and monitor your results...do your DB'ing!!

Take care, and thanks as always for checking in with me!
(((hugs)))
Christa

Christa,

I wanted to drop you a note to tell you how much I value what you are sharing. I am dealing with a WAW sitch and you have given me hope. I truly believe that it will take trusting in God and standing with His help to restore our M's. Hang in there and keep praying! You are included in my prayers.

-Bryan

Thanks Brian....what an encouranging message!! $\:\)$ I was angry for at least a good year, but now....I'm the woman I used to be, taken life as it comes...good, bad, ugly, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I told one of my friends, jokingly, that God is probably like...oh it's you again!!!! I wake up praying, pray during my free time at work, pray in the bathroom, pray when I'm in the car, pray before bed, read scripture when I find time, but always before bed. I truly believe that part of why I was so angry for so long, is the simple fact that I had let God out slip out of my life.

I'm inspired that my sharing has given you hope. That truly makes my heart feel good! As I have said in previous posts, I am in this until God tells my heart it is time to stop, otherwise, it is "for better or worse." I did hear a smidge of news I don't know wether it is going to make a difference. My sister ran into my H over the weekend at a local pub, he said something to her along the lines of "I still have love/feelings for her"...I say don't know if it makes a difference, because, I think once a person marries they will always have those feelings for their spouse even if they D. I am baffled at the fact that the past two weekends he has been seen at my two favorite pubs??? And he lives 30 miles aways....when we first started this over 10 months ago (talking/texting/dating from time to time) he said he didn't like the big city pubs....they were too overrated...or something to that effect????

I have read tons of books on R/M/working things out...etc. Gary Chapman has some really good reads, besides the 5LL. He has one on my wish lists about 5 steps to an apology...or something like that....it looked good when I scanned over it at barnes n noble. I am currently reading Become a better you by Joel Osteen...very motivating!!!

Take Care, and I will be praying for you also!
Christa

Hey Christa,

Dropping by to say hello. Your H is stopping by your 2 fav. pubs!? And he lives 30 miles away? That is certainly something of interest. Sounds great to me. Was there a "but" in that statement from your H. Either way that should give you hope and something to hold onto. You are certainly staying strong. Keep it up girl.

hugs

Thanks HIC I need all the hope I can find to hold onto! Yeah, it's rather crazy I think...two weekends in a row, my favorite haunts....i am trying not to read into it! I'm debating about what to do this weekend...get dressed up and go out and about, just in case??? Guess we'll see closer to the weekend!!

thanks for stoppin by!

hugs back at ya!
christa

Christa,

Thanks so much for the prayers, I take all I can get! I also learned that if you are going to stand you need to first hit your knees! I had been neglecting my relationship with God for the past 20 years, but I have accepted Jesus back into my heart.

I am only 2 months into this and my W is pretty angry at me, but I am in this for the duration. I told her so and she isn't interested in an "us" at this point. I know that it is God's timing and that I just have to be patient and wait as I totally believe that he will heal my M.

I know it isn't my W who I need to be fighting. She just isn't herself. I will continue to pray for her even though she doesn't want to hear it. It is the only way to beat the enemy.

I wish you all the best and would love to hear about the things in your life that brought you out of the WAW fog. I have found that there is just no talking about the R right now and that I am most likely better off to just let her be and do my fighting through prayer as well as giving her love and support from a distance.

Keep the faith, it is what will restore your M. Hang in there!

-Bryan

B,
Time, time is what started to turn me around. It's kind of strange but after 4 months, I just honestly missed my H. I missed him sooooo much. I heard my friends talking about him, my best friend whom I work with, her H is my H's best friend. so she kept me up to date on the H, then my sister saw my H, then somebody else saw him....he bought a harley...that's when it really hit me. I started to think of what my dad always told me, drinking and harley's don't mix. my dad had a HD, used to take me rides...how I miss that! So slowly, I started to think of everything my H and I been thru. He helped me thru two of the most difficult times in my life, the deaths of both my parents (2 1/2 yrs apart..both of them cancer). I also thought he is the only man I could ever have children with that knew my parents, and could help me pass on memories of the grandparents they would never know. So pretty much, after a little over 4 months of me being gone and a D being filed, the D was put on hold, and I am where I am today.

I to will stand for my M. However, I do believe, I need a solid R with my H, before our M could even begin to be revived. What I mean by that, is this....Being seperated for 14 months now, I would like a chance to start with a friendship, to build up a trust that has been lost, then work our back towards our M. But I feel first and foremost, the foundation of a great friendship, must be there. And I think/feel, that he's a little uncomfortable right now about R/M talks, so why not start out slow and easy, hang out get to know each other again, and go from there.

I truly and firmly believe God had us stop the D proceedings for a reason. I know my H, is reluctant, but I am not the mean angry monster I was when I left, I would just like to be afforded the chance to show him!

I will be praying your W's mean angry monster dissapates soon, and she finds happiness within herself. Patience is key. Stay focused, busy, take time out for yourself. It's key.

hugs
Christa

B,
I want to clarify myself. I started to let go of my anger at 4 months and knew I wanted to work on my R/M with my H. I knew he is what I wanted for life in my life and my vows meant something. However, I didn't truly start to find me, and figure things out for a good year. I didn't find the real me for a good solid year. I think a lot of my anger, was hurt and resitment about my parents death. I don't know....either way, I have learned to deal with life a lot more effectivly!

Christa

Christa,

Thank you so much for your insights. I will be waiting this out. My W and family are the greatest gift God has given me other than my salvation.

I let her down and take responsibility for my part in our trials. I have asked for her forgiveness and she has said that she is working on that and I find that as a positive response. I am going to back off...way off.

I do have to talk with her fairly regularly to schedule kid stuff and to deal with finances. Other than that I don't get much interaction with her. She even bought my boys a cell phone so she doesn't have to talk to me, so I am getting the hint.

I have plenty to keep me busy and I try to squeeze work in between my prayers. LOL.

I have found a great deal of comfort and direction from the Steinkamps at rejoice ministries. I am learning to pray and to trust in God for the miracle of the healing of my M. This is by far the most important time of my life. I have found that I am getting my strength from above. Each time I get knocked down in my stand I get back up and dust myself off a bit quicker. I then turn my face back into the storm and continue to show my wife that I am truly committed to this family.

I have changed a great deal in the past two months and my W doesn't believe what she sees. She feels that it is an act to get her back. I have never lied to my wife and yet she doesn't believe that what I am doing is an honest effort, only the passage of time will show her that my heart is in the right place.

I really do appreciate your willingness to share what you felt during your time as a WAW. I know my W and honestly believe that she is not in control of her emotions and actions. I will not be swayed by what she does as I have faith that she will come out of this fog at some point and realize that she wants what she once had. It is what I pray for every day.

Have a great night and keep standing for your H and your M. It will be worth every moment of hurt and pain.

-Bryan (originally an Iowa boy)

Christarn,

I dropped by your thread, I remember your story from last year. I am not sure if I can offer much except that, you marriage has a chance as long as one of you still wants it! That being you, in regards to your Hubby checking out your haunts certainly a good thing. I am not sure how you rebuild the trust between you but I know it takes twice as long since you both hurt each other.

I also know the road to true healing is acceptance by both parties that each one has some responsibility for where they are today. Rarely if ever is it all one person. Marriage is a compromise and involves loving ones strenghts as well as their short comings.

Unfortunately this is the part where most of us fail. I love my W. because she is who she is, not what I think she should be. I believe many of us paint a picture in our minds of what our spouse should be, instead of focusing on what they are. Problem with that is when problems arise we are suddenly shocked to see our spouses many, many faults.

We use these faults to justify actions, like affairs, moving out, abandoning, taking for granted, divorce. Well they did this so I am going to do that. They started it, I only act this way because of what he/she did. Wrong thinking, that is selfish thinking. Instead we should look at it this way, I hurt you and you hurt me, the reason this happened is because we care and love each other. If we didn't we wouldn't be hurt or angry.

Why do people get a divorce, in most cases because they believe this will stop the hurt. Why do people seperate, again because being with the other person hurts.

The next flaw in most relationships that end I have found is the concept of love. The misconception of what love is and the misuse of it. Love for some means, you make me feel like a king or a queen, I love you. The problem with this is the other won't always be able to make you feel like a king or a queen and when this happens the thought becomes I am not in love with you anymore.

Love is showing compassion and forgiveness for the other, love is caring for the other despite their many faults. Love is how I make you feel not how you make me feel. That is "true love". Truth is love is conditional, there isn't unconditional love in adult relationships, we screw up, then love is taken away, that is the punishment in many cases.

Hence the phrase so many are familar with "I Love you but I am not in love with you anymore", really means you hurt me, I don't forgive you and I am not willing to open myself up to hurt again right now. The reason I say right now is because as you know the stress of these situations causes huge changes in moods. Hence the roller coaster.

Your H is probably testing the waters, wants to see if he can trust you and himself. You bailed on him, you abandoned him because he hurt you. You left because he hurt you, he isn't ready to fully commit because he is afraid you will hurt him again.

Truth he still loves you, but he isn't confident things won't be different. You do all you can, but ultimately it is up to him to open up and decide if he is willing to change and willing to be vulnerable again.

Sorry for the length of the post. Hope it helps.

Christarn, read through your post, sorry to see what is going on with your sitch. I can say that it is a positive sign that H has not went forward with D papers and is still on the fence. I can also say being the LBS myself, it would be hard to just walk back into R without having trust issues. I was thinking about this today, sure we want our M to work out but then you look at what if my W calls me back and we start to reconcile, sure I would be happy but I would have some doubt that any little mistake that I made she would throw me to the curb. I think that is what happens to many of the LBS that disconnect and become unsure of what the future would hold for them in the M.

I do have a question for you, you state above that after 4 months the hate went away and the fog started to clear, what was your H doing the first 4 months of your seperation? Was he chasing you and trying to plead with you or did he already start to disconnect? I am now 4 months into my S, although I see times when I feel things can be worked out, I still have my doubts. Neither my W or I have filed, her answer to any questions I have on reconciling are "no or not right now". I know, I have to back off and since I found this site last week that is what I intend to do. Please give me your insite on this with what your H was doing when you started to see the light.

Good luck winning your husband back, I know it is a tough time.

Hey Ping....During the first 6 weeks, he did the typical beg, plead, borrow, whine, call, text, anything to get my attention...he did. Then he stopped, he bought a Harley, and started dating. He wanted nothing to do with me. I truly think it was the Harley that got me. My dad always said drinking and HD's don't mix, and all I could see in my thoughts and I dreamed about it too, was him getting drunk and crashing his bike. It was a true eye opener for me. I even called one of his best friends who also rides a HD and cried my eyes out, I was like what was he thinking buying a bike? He has a seizure disorder, he drinks like a fish (has always been a social drinker....but gotten worse since we seperated). Needless to say, that is what he did to really open my eyes. I guess the easiest way to say it is, he stopped giving a sh*t about me, and I honestly think he kind of stopped giving a sh*t about himself. His friends think he is a total ball of fun...which he always has been, but I do worry about him drinking as much as he does, especially when he's on the bike.

Thanks for your insight on my H. I can understand why he or any LBS would have trust issues with a WAW. I know that it will take patience on my part and time. I am ok with both. Like I have said in previous posts, I am not the same mean angry monster I was. I am finding "my old self" more and more each day. I truly believe God makes things happen in his time, so it can be best. In my case, I think my H is ever so slowly peeking out from behind the tree to see if it is safe. So far, I haven't shot at him yet!! Hopefully he will keep peeking, and maybe in time take a step out of the timber and see what's out here!! When it is supposed to happen it will! I will keep my faith in the Man above that it will!! $\:\)$

On a positive note! I text messaged my H last night to tell him I would be in his area to get my hair done, and asked if he would care if I stopped by his place(my old home) to see his dogs. I didn't hear back, didn't hear back. Then low and behold, this morning(must have been when he was on break at work) he messaged me and said "that's fine, but I won't be home until 5 or after." first if anyone can offer insight to that message, I would love it!!! I messaged him back and said I'm getting my hair done around eleven, sorry I will miss you, but thanks for letting me see the boys. I stayed at his place and played with the pooches for about 20 minutes and text messaged him when I was done, and told him thanks, it meant a lot letting me see him, maybe next time I will get to see him too, and that was that! Then this evening, I messaged him again to tell him, I had left the pooches a box of treats in the cab of his pick up. We messaged back and forth for a few minutes, then I ended said I needed to go! So overall, I'm extremely happy with how things went. He had gotten on this streak where if I text messaged him, he wouldn't message me back. So I feel, that not only did he text me back, he let me go out to his place, while he wasn't there, which is pretty cool. If any one could leave feed back about his original message, I would really appreciate it, because I didn't know how to take that.

hugs,
Christa

Christa, reading what he wrote, the first thing that comes to my mind is I will be there at 5:00 if you want to stick around and see me. I assume he was coming from work, do you know what time he normally gets off? If this is his regular routine then he had no other reason to put this in his TM unless he was seeing if you wanted to stay until he got there. Just my .02cents.

Thanks Ping!! I didn't want to jump the gun without him offering more than just that...so I didn't. I had a busy afternoon with work related stuff that had to be done any way. I also didn't want him to think I had anymore on my agenda than seeing the boys! Yes seeing him would have been a PERK $\:\)$ but I want him to trust in my words also. And I'm not sure what time he gets off of work, so I don't know if this is his usal time or not. I know he had been working a lot of OT, so he wasn't getting home until after 6. I just wish if he did want to see me, he would have said a little more....if you want to hang out til 5 that is when I will be home, something!!!

Still looking at it all as a positive!!!

thanks for the feedback $;\)$
Christa

Christa, have you offered for the two of you to go to MC, the reason I ask this is because although I would be at my W's front door as soon as she called me to come home, I would still want to go to MC because I would be scared that if any mistake was made in our M then she would lose all interest again. I'm not sure if this is your case or not but thought I would ask as I know that if I think this way, I'm sure there are plenty out there thinking along the same lines.

I mentioned MC when we first started talking last year...he said no. However, (I'm going to be VERY positive here)when we do work things out, I think it will be necessary and will re-address MC at that time. Thanks for the input $\:\)$

Christa

Christa,

H is an electrician isn't he? In my area they work 7:30 to 4:00, could be that was the time he would get home, depending on how far from home the job he's working on is. He was letting you know when he would be there, I think hoping you'd stay and wait. Us guys can be kind of dense sometimes, just figuring you will read into our statements what we mean.

I'm back, was feeling down for a while. I realize my sich is going to go to a D before it gets better. I have seen a change in W but she's still in the tunnel.

Mike

Thanks for the input Mike!!! I'm planning to go out this weekend with a bunch of friends from work!! Should be fun $\:\)$ It's been very busy at work, so I'm ready for a few cocktails and an evening on the town!

hugs,
christa

Christa,

Do you need a DD? Need to take care of our cardiac nurses. I'd volunteer but I have to run calls tomorrow, then ref soccer games Sunday.

Mike

Driving from Ohio to drive my drunk butt around is a long haul!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the offer!!!!!! The bars we go to are close to home, so the taxi fare is cheap, or someone will only have a few early then drink soda/water and be the driver...either way, we will be safe $\:\)$ vs sorry $\:$$

I don't know if you realized on my posts, but my sister ran into my H last weekend at one of my bars....so I figured, that is 2 weekends in a row, I'd better get my poopah together and get out on the town!!! Time to dust off the hooker heels, dig thru the closet and find a cute shirt, tight jeans and a bra that makes the girls look good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! $;$$

$\:\)$ $\:\)$ $\:\)$
Christa

Christa,

Yeah, like I said we need to take care of our cardiac nurses!! You're killin me with the hooker heels and stuff. What about a short skirt, guys really like to see those legs. I saw that your sis ran into H. I think he's trying to "accidentally" run into you at one of your favorite establishments. Maybe post a GF in each of your hang outs and they can give you a report of where he's at so you can "accidentally" run into him, LOL.

Mike

Christa,

I was wondering about the first few months after you left as the WAW. Did you shut down toward your H? My W left in January and isn't talking to me at all now. She only talks to me when she has to about the kids.

I understand that she is going through some stuff and needs space, but I wanted to ask you about how you behaved during that time toward your H. I am not going to do any dating and I won't be giving up on my M in this lifetime, but I sure would like to know where her head is. If you have any more insights I sure would appreciate them.

I hope you have a fun and safe weekend. You and your H are in my prayers.

-Bryan

Bryan,
In the first few weeks that I left, I lived with my sister. My H and I talked on a regular basis. I even agreed to do MC. Looking back, it was a tit for tat, who could get in the lowest blow type session. I remember I didn't say much, and I said I felt as if my H was smothering me, calling and texting all the time...and how I wanted some space to make a decision. She told him to talking, texting, calling until we had our next session. We made an appointment for our next session, and I was all set to go....and the phone bill came. He had been calling and texting his ex-girlfriend, while telling me how badly he wanted things to work out. So instead of going to the second MC session, I went and visited a lawyer and filed for D. Not the wisest of decisions looking back. But hind sight is always 20/20!

All of that being said, after I filed, I had sooooo much anger and resentment toward my H, I didn't want to have anything to do with him. He called me a few times to ask me what I "wanted" and to see if this was really the road I wanted to go down. I would just get more angry with him, the more he bothered me. I think him giving up on me, and me seeing him GAL, getting the bike, and hearing our mutual friends talking about him all of the time really started to get to me. It was about this time, when I started to realize the decisions that I had made, were not so smart afterall.

I totally agree with your decision about dating. I am not dating either. For me, I think/feel it would be one more obstacle to overcome if/when we work our R/M out. Also, I don't feel it is fair to put somebody in the middle of this craziness, as the minute my H called, I would be gone. So as for now, I am just having fun getting back to being me, and figuring out just exactly who "me" truly is.

As for where your wife's head is.....I'm going to presume she is just extremely overwhelmed. That is how I felt. I felt as if we were simply roomates in our house. We had stopped sleeping together 6 months prior to me leaving. For us being so young, we had only ML 2-3 times during that 6 month period. There were so many issues, I just simply felt as if he didn't care, so therefore, I didn't care. We stopped talking to eachother. He would come home and stay in the garage. I would come home and stay in the den. He didn't even tell me he was going to go on vacation, I found that out from one of his friends, it was truly an overwhelming, emotionally painful experience. In 2006, he told me to leave "his" house a total of 8 times. Each time, put me closer to the door. And like I said, him getting a ride to another party, and texting the ex-girlfriend put the icing on the cake. That was in October, the day before our 2 year wedding anniversary. About one month later, I made up my mind it was time to leave. The holidays were awful, we spent them apart, him with his family and me with mine. I was depressed and was taking a med. that wasn't working for me. I talked with many friends/family and granted they all meant well, but I think I trusted people with extremely intimate details of my M, which I should not have done. I received advice from several people, even his mother told me to leave. The irony...now she tells him he would be stupid to work it out. So, I guess what I am trying to express is, your W, is probably overwhelmed, and isn't sure how to deal with all of the feelings she is going thru. She may feel hurt, angry and even depressed; it is truly hard to say. She also may be talking to people about your R/M, and her friends/family may mean well....but as I learned, they only get one side of the story, and friends/family of that person, will support her...and if she is thinking about a D, they will support/help her with that.(hope that makes sense?)

Sorry for the length! I had a good weekend. Went out with some girlfriends, hit all of my local establishments....no sign of the H. Go figure!!! The first time I go out in a couple months, and he'd been in town past 2 weekends, and nothing!!!

Thanks so much for the prayers. I will continue to pray for you and your sitch as well. It's nice to know I'm not the only one "standing" for my M. As I have said before, I will continue to fight for my H/R/M until God places it on my heart to move forward.

Take care, sorry for the length!
hugs
christa

Christa,

Never apologize for the length of your post. I am interested in ever word. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I am finding that I get a little bit stronger each day and that the only one who is going to be able to restore my M is God.

I love my W and will be here standing for our M for as long as it takes. I married her for life not just a couple of years and then go look for someone else.

I don't have anything negative to say about my W. I love her and will be here whenever she needs me. My kids deserve that as does our whole family. I don't beat her over the head with it. I don't even talk to her unless she initiates the conversation first unless there is pressing business.

I just know that at some point things will work out. I also believe the same for you. Hang in there and don't let anyone tell you to do anything other than what God wants you to do.

I got your back.

-Bryan

Thanks B!! The encouragement it much appreciated!! Did anything I rambled about make sense? I hope so!! I am praying for my H, and our R/M. I believe in my heart that in God's time, it will work out. Hopefully sooner rather than later $\:\)$

take care,
Christa

Yes, of course it made sense. I know that we are going through some tough times right now and how long it takes to get each of our M's back on track is anyone's guess.

It is in God's time and I have come to realize that I need to have faith in him and I do. I believe he has promised to heal my M and I will wait for it. I wouldn't want to give up just days or hours before it would have been restored, so I will continue to hope that it happens tomorrow, but if it doesn't I will hang on for another day, and another, and another.

I neglected my relationship with God for many years and I believe that now I am learning how to repair TWO relationships. If I get the first one fixed, I believe the second one will follow.

Hang in there and keep the faith. This IS going to work out. I have really gotten to enjoy the rejoice ministries dot com website too. There is some great stuff there.

-Bryan

Thanks B I agree I am going to hang in there as well. I truly believe God is working to restore my M, it will just happen in His time; and I'm sure the same holds true for yours as well.

I to am repairing two relationships. One with God and I feel once I amwhere he feels I need to be both spiritually and mentally, he will bring my H back into the picture. A friend once told me God does things in his specific time not to make us wait or to hurt us, but so things will be better or close to perfect. In mycase I see myself growing as a person more and more and when He feels the time is right He will lead my H back to me, as He will lead your W back to you.

Hugs
Christa

Just an update...no contact with H in two weeks now $\:$$ A couple that we used to hang out with is now going thru a D; I have been told by several people that my H and the H from our friends going thru this have become inseperable. I feel bad for our friends going thru this as they have two small children to put in the middle. I have also heard that the other guy has been staying some with my H, so I feel this is probably keeping his mind preoccupied for now.

I have scheduled a DB coaching session for tomorrow! YEAH!! I had paid for 3 more sessions last fall and was "saving" them hoping I'd be using them by this point for piecing....instead I'm using the first session for "stuck in a rut!!!!" LOL!!! I am hoping my coach can point me in some direction to get out of the rut and get going again!!! $\:$$ keeping my fingers crossed and saying some extra prayers tonight!

Hope all is well with everyone!!
Christa

Christa, I admire your devotion to your situation and pray that God will bless your efforts.

Christa, I hope things begin to go your way. I am sure that right now it doesn't help matters that your H has someone he is close with that is going through this also. Keep your head up and stick with what you are doing. Good luck.

JS and Ping...thank you both for checking in and for your encouragement! It is much appreciated $\:\)$ I plan to stick with my plan and continue to fight!!! Thanks again for the encouragement!!! Always needed and very thoughtful of you!!

(((hugs)))
Christa

I think that is the greatest thing about this place, is people in similar situations encouraging each other. Our situations are some difficult life experiences and it helps to have folks who KNOW what you are going through, share with you and encourage you.

Christa,

Has your H been seen in any of your local hangouts lately? Maybe seeing what his friend going through will make him think about your sich. Started reffing again, 6 games Saturday, I felt great. Thanks to cardiac nurses like yourself!!

Mike

Quote:

Has your H been seen in any of your local hangouts lately?

I wasn't able to go out this past weekend as I had to work $\:$$ However, I will be out in full force this weekend $\:$$ I am hosting ladies night Sat. and we are heading out on the town after we start the night right at my place!!!!!!!!

Quote:

Maybe seeing what his friend going through will make him think about your sich.

As awful as it is to see another couple go thru a D, I have thought the same thing. I have a feeling this couple's D will be rather nasty. They have children involved and multiple other issues. I think the W in this sitch will have a lot of anger/resentment if the H is out and about with my H partying all the time...could make for a nasty situation...which might make my H open his eyes a little. Or it could work just the opposite. I am praying for the best. I am also praying for the other couple. I would like to talk with them....I think once they get past the anger, they are going to think what did we do??

Quote:

Started reffing again, 6 games Saturday, I felt great. Thanks to cardiac nurses like yourself!!

Thanks for the AWESOME complement

....I have a very rewarding careeer. I am thankful that during this crazy time in my home life I have been able to throw myself into my career and really excell at what it is I have a passion for doing!

Mike, as always, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It is nice to have met a friend like you on these boards! Jodi is my coach as well. I am looking forward to our chat. Will post what her ideas/thoughts/advice are!!

Take care
hugs,
Christa

Today I had my first coaching session since August, I feel very encouraged by what we talked about. We went over the 4 stages. She feels he and I somewhere between 1 and 2, she said he is showing signs of "control". So, she also gave me pointers in how to deal with those. As hard as it is, I need to start acting like a friend, not a wife, and put past memories away. Show him a "no strings attatched" friendship is ok...nothing more and nothing less. If there is no friendship there is no way to move onto a romantic type of involvement, so this is very important.

I am happy with how the session went. I learned new things, and somethings I was already doing she validated. She agreed that with our friends going thru a D, that my H and the other H hanging out together, was probably a "misery likes company" type of friendship. I told her about my H being at my local pubs a few weekends in a row, she agreed that he was trying to "accidently" run into me.

All in all good stuff. Now it is more of the same from my side...PATIENCE, and waiting!!

hugs to all
Christa

Your post on the 4 stages and the friendship thing really helped me refocus. Thanks so much for sharing, great information.

Christa,

Good to hear you had a positive session. I'm somewhere between 1 and 2 also. My atty said this is the friendliest D he has been involved in. She shows signs of coming out of the tunnel and goes back inside. Hopefully H "accidentally" runs into you soon!!!

Mike

Mike & TGF~
Thank you for checking in on me! Much appreciated as always $\:\)$

Mike, It would be nice to see the H at a local establishment. Jodi, the DB coach, agreed he is "accidently" trying to "bump" into me. It would be funny. I have gotten about 7-8 inches cut off of my hair, went for a BIG 180 there!! It was long over due!! I had been wanting to cut it for a while...kept it long for him, he liked it, so I knew it was time...I did that one for me! The girls are coming over Sat. night, so should be fun. I'm sure afterward, we will be checking in at the local pubs; you never know what God will do $\:\)$

thanks again for checkn on me!
hugs
Christa

Christa,

Girls night out, woohoo!!! D19 got into modeling when she was 14, her hair was to the middle of her back and blond. They said anything below the shoulders can't be seen and is a waste, it will only pull your hair and make it straighter, no wave to it. So they chopped off her hair and dyed it darker. The poor girl cried for days.

You don't need a guy to run for your drinks do you? LOL. A beer boy? Have fun, hopefully H will show up.

Mike

Christa,

Thanks for checking in on me. I'm also glad to hear that your session went well. Jodi is a great coach! I recently made a new plan with her too. It sounds like you are making progress with the H trying run into you. Keep up the hard work and PMA.

Hugs

Christa, just checking in to see how things were going with you. I see you had a coaching session. Sounds like you took some great advice out of it. I hope for you that this helps your sitch. These are tough times for all of us, and I too believe like your coach told you that your H was hoping to run into you at the local hangouts.

Christa,

How did the girls night out go, did the vicki's and heels do their jobs, LOL. H didn't "accidentally" run into you did he? Maybe next time send H a text, tell him where you'll be, just a thought.

W has come to the house every day since Sat, for cleaning it up to sell. I don't need a four bedroom house for myself. I have caught her staring at me a few times, don't know what that's about. she also went out to eat with me Sat, dutch, and had a couple of beers together. I thought after dinner she would leave, but she came in and stayed another 2 hours and stared at me some more, LOL. She even let me massage her back with a little hand held and with my hands. Boy did it feel good just to touch her again, even though it was platonic.

Mike

Unfortunatly, no sign of the H this weekend. Had a good time with the girls!! Today marks 3 weeks of no contact, which is just about a record for him not communicating with me since all of this has started. I am not sure what is going on. My DB coach and I both agreed to me not contacting him, so for now, I am trying to keep busy. Today I busted my tooshy off doing yard work, mowing, trimming, planted grass, cleaned leaves from the fall that accumulated on the porch etc. Gosh I'm tired!! And I can't sleep.

Mike, sounds like W is softening just a bit. That's a good thing. After all my yard work, a massage sounds great, what are your hours?? LOL!!!

thanks for checkn on me!
Christa

Hey Christa, yard work is very therapeutic for whatever ails you. I am so glad that spring is finally here. It makes my weekends event filled, productive and gives me so much time just to talk to myself and work through this period of my life. I think you are doing great staying positive and just wanted give a thumbs up to the yard work idea.

Thanks JS for the positve reinforcement, I really needed it! Had a bad day at work, really put me in a bad mood $\:\($ Got me thinking bad things...not good!! I need to keep focused and not allow work to pour over into my home life. I saw my H's truck at the new building being built adjacent to the hospital where I work...maybe God is trying to tell each of us something!! Out of all of the places he could be sent to work in his district and he gets sent that close to me WOW, that's a sign from above if you ask me! Hopefully it will pay off to be a positive one.

Take care
Christa

Christa,

Why not sneak over and leave a message on H's truck? Maybe you could "accidentally" run into him!!LOL. Leave H a note to meet you for a couple of drinks after work. Did the heels and vickies do their wonders this weekend? Sorry you didn't run into H. If you're all rested up I have some yard work that needs to be done. I already cut the forest, I mean the grass.

My massage hours for you Christa are when ever you show up at my door step, ROFL. I don't think I'm that good at giving massages, but my W was exhaling heavily at times!!! When she did it to me I have a response that causes me to shake or quiver when the right spot is hit, I getb goose bumps all the way to the top of my head, feels like my hair is standing straight up, she hit it a couple of times. I told her you are killing me!!

Oh well keep up the keeping up.

Mike

Mike, thanks for stoppin by!! I thought about leaving a message on his truck...but Jodi(db coach) thought i should wait for him to communicate with me, says he has control issues. I was controlling thru the M, so he is trying to be controlling now. She said by me doing the work, he just sits back in the easy chair and relaxes and says "yep, she still wants me!!" and he really doesn't have to do anything, and can decide, when and where and at what speed this all goes. It makes sense. I'm hoping to take a break while at work, and take a walk around campus and he will "accidently" (of course) see me!!! and hopefully things will go from there!

As for yard work, I am having a border company come tomorrow(weds) and shoot me an estimate to put in some brick border/edging, so I can do some landscaping. I'm sure I'm refered to in the neighborhood as the redneck neighbor!!! Last years priorities where: the inside of the house, painting, new floors etc, and a new fence for the pooches....now this year I can focus on some outside stuff!! I'm hoping to get the border done and get a few new bushes and plants then mulch everything. I planted grass all over...hopefully it will all be taking shape soon!!

I guess we can take the work out in trade, I will come help do the yard work, in return you get to massage my back!! After the day I had at work I am ready for one!! I'm just tired of working with a bunch of backstabbers. The people, mainly a few specific, would rather tell everyone how crappy you are at your job, (which I know I am not, had a long talk with my boss, and I am in her good graces)then tell you to your face. I am the type of person, if I have done something to upset somebody, just tell me, I am an adult, I can handle it. Do not tell people a bunch of crap behind my back. It is petty!! And it always has a way of coming out in the end. Oh the drama...I told one of my friends, my home life is already an episode of Jerry Springer, I guess work can be the sequel!! After today, I was ready to clean house, call the H, and say I'm ready for your answer, are we married or talking to atty's...thank goodness I got home and had some positive feedback here, and one of my goodfriends who gets what I am trying to do, and the whole DB approach called me. She calmed me down. I am refocused!! Work is left at work! Thank goodness I have tomorrow off! Or a massive case of explosive diarrhea with projectile vomitting would have been coming on $\:\)$ $\:\)$ $\:\)$ $\:D$

Girls night was good, didn't run into the H. Had a great time regardless!

take care, hugs
Christa

[quote=christarn]Mike, thanks for stoppin by!! I thought about leaving a message on his truck...but Jodi(db coach) thought i should wait for him to communicate with me, says he has control issues. I was controlling thru the M, so he is trying to be controlling now. She said by me doing the work, he just sits back in the easy chair and relaxes and says "yep, she still wants me!!" and he really doesn't have to do anything, and can decide, when and where and at what speed this all goes. It makes sense. I'm hoping to take a break while at work, and take a walk around campus and he will "accidently" (of course) see me!!! and hopefully things will go from there!"

Christa, I find what you said in this post to be so true. Our spouoses know that they have us and have no need to work on anything in their mind to help the R. We have to let them go and not put any pressure on them for them to come around. This is the same mind set that I am now sticking with.

If you think about it, many of us are on this board because we thought our M's were secure and we had no need to work on it because we never thought we would be in this situation. I for one did not put near as much effort in my M as I thought I had my W and she would never leave. It goes to say, we always want what we can't have.

Keep up with what you are doing, by chance, how long did your coach say you needed to go without making any contact?

Take care

Ping, thanks for stoppin by $\:\)$

Sad but true what you said, regarding wanting what we can't have. I have really thought the past few days about this from a different angle. I have read around here that WAW's and LBS's switch roles. That being said, If my H is feeling how I did, he will want nothing more than for me to leave him the hell alone. Hopefully, given a little time on his own, he will as I did, wake up, and think "what on earth am I doing?" It's one of those watch and wait type things.

My coach made a brief mention of give it at least two-three more weeks. Which would make it a total of 5 weeks. If I still have not heard from him at that point, I may even go a little farhter. My family is having a reunion in my hometown, who knows, I may run into him while I'm down there. That is May 10th. If after that, I still haven't heard nothing, I will probably set up another coaching session, and see where we need to go. I have been at this for a year now, the first year was tough, and I did things my way, listened half a%s to people, and the coaches; however, now I get it. I get the meaning of all of this stuff. I have found peace and happiness inside of me. Me just being me is a great feeling, not having to be somone who I am not, and I have let go of a lot of anger I held within. I would like to have an opprotunity for my H, to get to know this newer updated Christa 08 *for windows or mac*(LOL)!!! however, in the end only one person knows if that is truly going to happen. I am putting my R/M in His hands now.

Take care,
Christa

Keep strong Christa, I am pulling for you. I am amazed at your attitude and your dedication. May God bless your efforts! $\:\)$

Thanks JS, it's nice of you to be so encouraging! Thanks for that! Some days it is hard to remain optimistic, but at the end of each day, God gives me courage to fight another day. Thanks again for checkn on me $\:\)$ christa

Absolutely Christa. I would love to see you succeed in restoring your marriage. I know I seem negative to some regarding my situation but it is actually easier for me to be hopefully about other's relationships. I am so encouraged to see you and HIC working so hard to restore your M's. Maybe because deep down, that is my dream about mine. I just feel that my sitch is different in so many ways. I totally understand a woman leaving a man, we are knuckleheads..... I get it.. LOL. But when it happens to the kids too, I really have become hopeless.

I really hope that folks who have read my posts understand that I am not trying to be discouraging to the WAW's that are now trying to save their M's. On the contrary, you all are inspiring to me beyond imagine. My hats off to you ladies!

THanks, JS...nice words! Now, if I could just get my "knucklehead" on board, that would be beautiful! I don't know what is going on with him. We've surpassed the 3 week mark, and no contact. I still look at the bright side of this. Actions speak louder than words, if he truly wanted a D, he has a lawyer on retainer; he could resume legal proceedings at any time. I think he just doesn't know what to do, we shall see, only time will tell!

take care
Christa

Hi Christa, just checking in to see how you are. Hope things are going well for you.

I have a question for you if you don't mind answering, why did you leave in the first place? Was there OM involved, had you just had enough of your H that you were done, I'm just curios to this, I don't know where to find any old threads you may have. You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I'm just trying to get a feel for why other WAW's wanted out at the time they left. Thanks.

Ping~ I left for many different reasons. My H and I really just stopped communicating first and foremost. He had accused me in early 06 of having an A, and i assure I was not, my H was a huge party boy, put a lot of friends before our R/M, which hurt a ton. Example, I would have dinner fixed for us, and he would come home and say, I am going to so and so's to work on the 4 wheelers and drink beer, be home later...that got old real quick!! We also struggled over finances, time and time again, I had inherited some money when my parents past away, which he was always hostile about, finally in Oct 06, I found out that he had gotten a ride to another party with an ex, and then found several texts and phone calls between the two of them...that kind of put the icing on the cake...I left in Jan 07.

Long story short...I left out of pure frustration. Neither of us were having affairs, neither of us were abusive, it's kind of like Michelle's said in the books, we stopped spending time together, communication break down, things that could really be fixed...if/ when he's ready! I truly feel I have learned soooo much not only about myself during this"break" from each other, but about where I went wrong in the R/M. So, now it's just a waiting game! That's the sucky part $\:\)$

Any other questions, just ask....I don't mind at all, if can help somebody else out, I am all for it!!

Hope it helps!! How are things your way??? I hope well, last time I checked your thread, you were doing awesome!! good for you:)

take care, Christa

Thanks Christa, I am doing much better, I am learning how to detach and not worry about every little thing that has been eating at me the last 4.5 months. I find myself in a much better state of mind.

Thanks for posting above, I really appreciate it.

Have you had any contact from H yet?

I talked to a coworker today that went through this years ago, he said after he detached and stopped calling and trying to get his W back that she started calling him and wanting to work out R after about 3 months. He did all of the begging and pleading at first then stopped after about a month, that is when she decided to come around. The only time they had contact in this time was when he called to speak to the kids or when he would go to her house and pick them up or drop them off.

Keep us posted on any updates.

Ping, I'm happy if what I'm sharing can help anyone who is going thru this. I am more than willing to share any part of my experience/feelings/emotions etc. if it can help any one around here understand the whole WAS phenomenon. Even myself, being a WAW, I do not completely understand it. I feel, a lot of my actions were me not dealing with issues appropriatly. We (h & me) let everything boil inside, then when we would have a dispute, everything from our past, including the kitchen sink, would come flying out, totally not healthy, and extremely inappropriate. I, in retrosprect, realize, walking out was a very selfish thing to do. But, I also truly believe, God has brought me to this place for a reason. Maybe it was so I could help others, maybe it was so I could learn to be a better wife to my H, maybe it was to become closer in my relationship to Him; whatever the reason is, all I can do is pray, my H will wake up, and realize he wants me to again be a part of his life.

Monday will be 4 weeks no contact. I'm starting to go a little nutty!!! However, If what they say is true: the LBS becomes the WAS, I am trying to remember what I felt like a year ago, when I left. The last thing I wanted was him calling and bugging me all the time. I needed time to sort out my life. The more he called, the further it pushed me away. So, for now, I'm thinking with that mentality. I hope it doesn't take him too long to get his head out of his rear end. I left in Jan. 07, he did the typical begging thing for about 2 months. He left me alone in March, we started talking again in May, and put the D on hold at the end of May. I'm hoping if I give him a good couple of months, it might just wake him up. Only time will tell! Any suggestions from your point of view?

I agree totally with what your co-worker said, and look at what I said, after my H gave me two months to fly on my own, I was ready to talk about retracting the D, and working on our R/M, my H is just too easily influenced from outside sources who are telling him, not to work on it, and just get a D. Isn't that nice!!(note the sarcasm!) His parents told me, no joke, to leave him, after I had divulged a huge personal problem we had went thru, now they are telling him to stay far-far away from me...goes to show, never trust your in-laws!!!

I think, just my 2 cents, give her time, detatch, see what happens...watch and monitor. Only talk to her about the kids. If she starts to linger around longer after some time of you doing this, you will have your answer!

take care ping!

hugs 2 you!
hope the weather stays nice, maybe you will be able to get out and play some golf!!! $\:D$
Christa

Hi Christa, really the only advice I can give you on this is pretty much what your doing. Remember what I said in an earlier post, we always want what we can't have, your H knows that you want him right now so he has no reason to come to you YET. Like my friend told me, he begged and all early, then he detached and did his own thing and found happiness again. He did not contact W at all, he said when he would call the kids he would only ask to speak to them, not have any small talk with her at all, he said when he went to the house to get the kids he would not go inside. It took her about 3 months to "wake up".

I know all sitch are different, they were in their late 20's, early 30's at this time. There was no other person in the mix on either side.

Keep doing what you are doing Christa, see what happens. Give him space although it sounds like you already are and give it a little longer and see if anything changes.

No golf this weekend, kids are with me, we have a weekend full of baseball games and practices.

Take care.

Sorry but I have another question for you Christa, when you decided you wanted to work on your R, had you and your H worked out the friendship part or did you just wake up one day and realize it was time to save your M? The reason I ask this is because right now, W and I can have good coversations, mainly about kids or baseball or whatever it is that's on our mind at the time. I guess since my friend told me he basically cut contact out with his W other than calling kids and directly asking to speak to the kids, I'm wondering if this is something I need to do. In your time as the WAW, did any contact with H make it feel like you had pressure on you. I know you don't have kids and I will have to call the house to speak to W if she answers, just makes me wonder if I should not do any talking other than asking to speak to the kids.

Sorry to budge in on your thread, but i've been looking for some answers in the posts as to my walk away spouse. i found it encouraging that ping1 stated the silence other then children talk was about 3 months in his friend's sitch. we have a child together but he doesn't see her, call about her or anything, been like this for over 36 days. prior to that i had to pretty much beg and push our daughter on him.

Ping~ We did not work on the friendship...BIG HUGE MONSTER mistake looking back. Went straight from talking in a bar about working on things, to romance...and all in one night, if you follow me. My DB coach and I discussed this when I chatted with her last week, she felt that was probably huge in why things didn't take off and go well for us. From there, we would do things together, but it was never the same. I guess I thought, he had begged me to come back, he would be elated to hear I wanted to come home, and we would just go back to how things were...oh was I in for a shocker!!!! He was dating someone, and half-a%s dating me. He would tell me one week he wanted to work on things, the next week he didn't know, then he wouldn't talk to me for a week. It was crazy. So now, that I am WAY more stable and comfortable in where I am and within myself, the waiting thing is not as hard, especially if in the end, it means getting R/M with my H back on track.

I didn't just wake up one day, and decide hey I think we should work on things. It just kind of came to me. I really started missing him and not just physically. I missed talking to him, sharing things, having him there when I would come home from work to talk to, and then the other side physical missing, having him to eat dinner with, hold me, tell me it would be ok after a bad day at work...but at the end of the day, I just truly miss my best friend, and I had come to realize what it was that I had done. I do know one thing, had we gotten back together then, I don't think I would have been ready. I am just now starting to feel that I am physically and emotionally ready to deal with everything that has happened, and to be open and honest with him about what I was feeling when I left, and how we are going to deal with issues we have had in our past (communication, finances, possibly having children etc.) I know it will also be hard for him, and I'm praying he is doing more than just drinking that he is doing some type of reflection and introspection as to what part he played in the fall of our R/M.

Buenosuerte~ Never feel bad about hijacking a thread!! I do it all the time to my friend mike!!! Are you totally detatched, not talking. I would give him space and time. It is sad that your child has to suffer, but in the end, if you force the child upon him, he will just be resentful towards the child and towards you. Always remember to put the child first, you love and care for her and she is in great hands with you, that is all she needs. When he decides to get his head out of his rear, and make the baby a priority, he will. The more you push, the farther he will run. It's best in the long run of your R to sit down, and back off, even when it's the hardest thing in life to do. Have you read any of Michelle's books? I'm sorry, I will try to get over to your thread! I found them a little late, and then I really didn't start to "get it" I mean really understand the true meaning of DBing until about 6-7 months later and by then a lot of damage was done. I talked to a coach which helped some, but she would tell me things like don't call him or no contact, and I was like but I can't do that...I like to talk to him....but that's probably why I am still seperated 15 months later, and no contact in almost 4 weeks $\:\)$

hugs 2 u both
questions just ask, I am more than happy to share anything I can to help someone else out!!

Christa

this probably sounds sick and demented, but i have a calendar of all our conversations and no conversations - when he saw our daughter since january 08. so glancing down i have not contacted him in any way shape or form for 37 days saturday. he has left a voice mail of our song and my niece that lives across the street caught him driving by on monday.

since you were the WAS - during that time did you think of your H? miss him? wonder what he was doing? kill you not to talk to him? I'm trying to understand how he can stay away from his D. i know there is no one answer to fit, but how long till he rids himself of all the anger. i'm happy to see that there are couples on here that have begun that journey together to reconcile, it gives me hope.

Once he stopped calling/texting me, it was about 2 months before I contacted him. I needed the space to figure out things for myself, the more he tried to get me back, the further it pushed me away. That is why I am trying hard not to contact him now! I feel it will push him further away!

I don't know how he can stay away from his little girl, that would kill me. But who knows what is going thru his head. Right now, it is killing me not to talk to him, but knowing in the end, there's a chance not talking or communicating could save my M, it's worth it. He (my H) needs a chance to figure this out on his own, probably as well as your sig. other.

It took me a long time to rid myself of anger, that is something he has to do on his own. He will have to do a lot of introspection and self reflection. Things you will not be able to do for him. For me, most of my anger wasn't anything to do with my H, it was other issues that were going on in my life; issues between he and I just compounded the anger, me leaving was just the result of all the bottled up emotions.

What's most important is you take care of yourself, so you can take great care of the little one. She only has one parent right now, and she needs you to be the best you can be. Little ones have a 6th sense, so she can probably pick up on your anxiety as well.

take care, hugs
Christa

The distance works. I have not contacted my wife much at all and in the past two weeks she has called and asked me and the boys to go out for dinner with her twice. LOL, I guess it is a double whammy for me since I have no desire to contact her. But we get a long very well.....this is just so stupid. When we are together, we laugh and joke and talk about each other's jobs and futures. If you would look at us when we are out as a family, you would have no indication that we are a broken family heading for divorce.

Originally Posted By: buenosuerte

this probably sounds sick and demented, but i have a calendar of all our conversations and no conversations - when he saw our daughter since january 08. so glancing down i have not contacted him in any way shape or form for 37 days saturday. he has left a voice mail of our song and my niece that lives across the street caught him driving by on monday.

since you were the WAS - during that time did you think of your H? miss him? wonder what he was doing? kill you not to talk to him? I'm trying to understand how he can stay away from his D. i know there is no one answer to fit, but how long till he rids himself of all the anger. i'm happy to see that there are couples on here that have begun that journey together to reconcile, it gives me hope.

He thinks you are seeing someone else and is starting to get curious, I would bet anything that is the case. Keep it up!

Originally Posted By: Jay Scott

When we are together, we laugh and joke and talk about each other's jobs and futures. If you would look at us when we are out as a family, you would have no indication that we are a broken family heading for divorce.

JS~ That is sad to hear, my heart goes out to you. It's nice to hear she has softend a little and is spending some time with your children. Do you feel she is softening to a point of reconcilining?

Take care of yourself.... $\:\)$

hugs,
Christa

Over a month ago i was a serious wreck, i'm much better now. probably has to do with working out again. i used to be a 6 day a week 2 hours a day work out gym rat and runner. i've managed to loose 49 lbs since my girl was born and actually went dancing a few weekends ago. shaky about the going out but feel i have taken control back of my life. my younges d is very happy - well not when i try to leave her for an hr a day, but that is a process as well.

i really don't understand how we tried for months to get pregnant, he was so excited and doting when she was born that he can let this precious time pass. about 2 months ago he asked me for a picture of her, i asked why, he said so then maybe he could miss her. boy after typing that it sounds horrible. i think i'm stupid to have faith in him after reading that back. i have a few more weeks maybe a month before i have to decide a few other things that will changer her and my lives...

I am very happy for you to be getting invites from your W, i would love to have that. in time maybe. well we certainly have distance between us, my d and i should be on the other side of the world as far as he is concerned.

My W and I are in the same boat, in fact some of our friends are still just finding out about us and they had no idea even though they see us together at ball games. I talked to her a few times today while at S's games as she is at the beach with her mother, it all felt so normal, she was in a good mood as was I, I almost slipped up and told her ILY when we got ready to hang up as that is how well it went. Thank goodness I didn't do that. I had a mother of another player come up to me today and ask if W and I are S, I told her yes, she asked why, I told her because I'm an A$$, her statement was, "aren't all men". So she just found out and had no idea either, it amazes me, we can talk and get along great but we don't live together. Too much for me to figure out.

Christa, thanks for answering all of my questions, I'm sure I will have more for you. PING.

ironic you mention that: a friend of mine unbenounced to me sent my h a msg on myspace. basically telling h that he was a loser, to leave me alone and that he and i were together.

why is it taht jealous has to be amotivating factor? i swear my h thinks i will be waiting for him forever and maybe his curious at this point and maybe threatened that some1 else would be interested in me, but not enough at this point for him to make real contact.

i do believe that he will make contact, i fear it and welcome it. it's like after my life is all put back together he's going to show up be interested and put me on a rollercoaster again.

i can only imagine that when my niece caught him driving by that was not his first time doing so. what would he have done if i was outside? what would have i done?

Hey all, just an update. After 4 long weeks of nothing, my H text messaged me last night. It was anything overly exciting...but I will take it $\:D$ !!! He said I had a credit card at his house. I found this to be EXTREMELY ODD!! Why...because all of my major cards have been changed to my new address. When I asked him a couple questions about it, he just kept saying, I think in his responses. Like, I think it's a card, not an offer. I think it's from this bank. It was just weird. I'm not trying to OVERANYLIZE, but I think, it may have just been a card offer aka junk mail, and he was looking for a reason to text!!! Which, I will take any day!!! There was no chit-chat or anything. I just told him I will be in town next sat, for family reunion and asked if it was ok for us to meet so I could pick it up (just in case it is for some crazy reason a live card...don't need that in his hot hands!!!) he said that would be fine....that's another plus. After almost 3 1/2 months of not seeing him, so I'm gearing up for that!!

Overall, I'm pretty excited!! Even if it was just a "reason" to text. He, after 4 weeks, messaged me...awesome, just awesome!! Hopefully, he will see some of my hard work and changes when we see each other next week. He's gonna freak when he see's my hair!! I had over 8 inches chopped...it was one of my big 180's!!! He always like long hair. I figure that was part of who I was then, but this is who I am now, I'm not "that girl" any more. So I chopped it!!! $\:\)$

Take care...so excited...couldn't hardly sleep last night!!!

hugs 2 all
Christa

Christa,

Good to hear H has contacted you, even if the cc was an excuse. Don't forget to "look stunning" when you meet him to get the card.

I've been away for a while, working on the house to put on the market. W has been coming over to help clean and get rid of 20 years of junk!! Things have been pleasant, even went out to dinner the last two Saturday nights. Not trying to see anything into it. First time split the bill, next she let me pay. Even had a couple of drinks and she came back to the house for a couple of hours after dinner.

Mike

Mike, glad to see you $\:D$ I was beginning to wonder what was going on!!

Glad things are pleasant in OH. It is a baby step. Take them as they come!!

We shall see where things go with the H! I'm kind of like you...not holding my breath!! Of course I'm goin to look stunna!!! Will probably even go by new outfit just for the occasion

hugs
Christa

Christa,

I am so excited for you!!! Every interaction is an opportunity. I wish you the best of luck when you see him. He is sure to notice your changes, starting with your hair. How are YOU doing?

hugs

HIC~ I am doing well. I am anxiously awaiting Sat. it has been almost 4 months since I have seen my H. In a way, I really really want to and am truly excited, but I am also scared, because I have come so far and have done well being without him. I hope seeing him doesn't impact my progress, if that makes any sense. It will be great though for him to see me and see how far I have come. I want to leave him wanting more! That is my goal. I am praying hard and strong that I have the strength and courage to make it happen!

He past me in his truck the other night, he did a total head turn and looked right at me. I did a small wave. At one point in time, I would have text messaged him or called and chatted. I refrained this time. I was talking on my cell and laughin up a storm when he past. I hope it really got his curiosity up and made him wonder who I was talking to!

Thanks for checkin in on me $\:\)$ Will keep you posted!

Christarn

So it's been a while, but have some news! H past me (in a friends car, carpooling) I acted as if I didn't see them, didn't wave...I was yacking on my cell anyway. He waved, like I said, different vehicle, didn't really pay attention. So, about 40 minutes later, he text messaged me, asking why I hadn't called him about picking up the credit card, thought I was going to get it saturday?? I said you must have misunderstood, it is this saturday. Long story short, we ended up texting back and forth for well over an hour...he even asked how I was doing..WOW!! Told him how busy I was with both jobs, and before I knew it life was going to pass me by!

I'm anxiously awaiting seeing him on Sat. time for my hard work to shine!!

hugs to all $\:D$

christa

Christa,

Make sure when you see H be the first to leave, let him think you are going somewhere with friends, make him wonder.

Mike

Christa,

Sounds great. I agree with micoms as well as making sure that you walk into the situation without expectations. If you have any at all it should be to have a pleasant and friendly interaction. Keep us posted and all the best.

hugs

Thanks guys, you rock! I am just planning to flirt my little butt off!! My boss told me the other day how well I do that $\:D$ !! We are raising money for our local nursing chapter of critical care nurses, so she has me hitting up all the docs!!! It's rather funny!!I plan to be friendly, and I'm going to have to leave to go be with my family. Then if I do see him later at the local pub, I plan to leave there to go back home to my local pubs. It will be very interesting in the next few days to see what happens. I am just still in aw(sp?) that he saw me yesterday, and as soon as he got home he text msgd me??? crazy stuff....it's really giving me some renewed hope!! Playing it cool and easy!

thanks again guys $\:D$
hugs
Christa

$\:\)$ Sounds like a god plan and you sound very healthy!

Christa, play it cool on Saturday with H, I hope you have a great time.

Thanks for checkn in on me JS& Ping! $\:D$ I will keep you all posted! christa

Christa, Good luck with your interaction with H.

Mike

Thanks, Mike...I'm getting really nervous, went and got a new outfit and of course a new vicki's bra!! will let you know $\:D$

hugs
Christa

here's how it went down....devistated,hurt angry and pi#t off is how I feel today to say the least...I really wonder if there is even a credit card or if it was all just a ploy???

I text msgd the H to tell him I would be in town around 6 and be there for a while, just text me and let me know when/where to meet and I pick up the credit card from him. He msgd me back and said ok. I was at my family reunion hanging out and having a good time and as of 10:30pm had not heard from him. at that point, the family said lets go to the local pub...where my family always goes after our shindigs(this small town has 3 pubs mind you, however my family prefers a specific one, and H knows this)so we headed uptown to the pub. I didn't see his truck or motorcycle there, so figured ok, go in hang out with family, should be good...oh was I wrong...walk in he is sitting next to some chick. I order a drink, put some money in the juke box, play some songs, chat with family. Proceed to take my coat and sweater off, get down to my "sexy shirt"!!! he makes eye contact with me, I turn around play more songs. Then I proceed to the bathroom, which I had to walk by him and the chick to get to the bathroom, come back by, chat with family a little more, look back at him...he's all making out with the chick!! I was not happy, to put it mildly!!! At that point, looked at my sister and family and said...headin back to pubs in my town...not putting up with his crap. So I left, cried the whole way home. He even went so far as to introduce the chick to my sister...what an as#!! So today, I am on emotional roller coaster. I am putting a minimum of 72hr rule into effect...but will probably be closer to a one week rule! Need some time to process all of this.

I truly feel it was a total ploy. I am thinking a few things here. One, I hurt his pride, and embarassed him publically by how I left him(he was on vacation, I hired a moving company to move me out of our home), two, he wants to show me he can be ok without me, three, he is trying to hurt me as much as I hurt him...which is sick and twisted, but for some reason, he is, and always has been about mind games, which is sick and twisted.

Any opinions, advice or two cents would be appreciated...as I previously stated, I am going to take a while and process all of this, and see how I am going to proceed. For now, I am still going to lay low, and quiet.

A good friend, who really understands most of the DB principles suggested an unemotional truce meeting...just kind of laying some things out on the table. I am not and won't be for a while at a point where I can do that without emotions. But I am thinking she may be right. Just to let him know some things I am feeling/thinking...I don't know. He's just not a typical case...to much emotional trauma from childhood....crazy!

hugs 2 all
christa

I don't know what to say Christa. I am sorry for you and angry with your H at the same time. You know, my wife hurt me really bad and humiliated me as well as hurting my kids, but none of that would make me want to publicly embarrass her and I have no desire to hurt her. What would I gain from that? With that said, I hope your H was not setting you up for that but by him not speaking to you it is hard to imagine that he wasn't. How old is he, 22? I don't know your ages but he/that seems very immature and juvenile. I am so very sorry that you experienced that. Once again, I have been very angry with my wife but never would I even dream of something like that. I really hope it was not intentional. IF it was, I don't have anything positive to say about your H and DBing to be honest.

Sorry Christa

JS~ Thanks for your kind words. I needed to hear some perspectives on this. I am just so unsure of what he is thinking. I truly feel this was totally a ploy. He knew what pub I would go to, and went from talking to sucking face, after he saw me. I usually have a 48 hour rule, because I am feeling so many emotions, I am changing it to a week. I am going to do a lot of praying this week and see where God leads me. I am also going to set up a coaching session with my DB coach. She's been right on target with his actions, so I would like to get her take on this.

Again, thank you JS, for for your kind words...I really needed to hear those today.

hugs 2 You
christa

Quote:

went from talking to sucking face, after he saw me

He is an ass. Sorry

This is where I start getting into trouble with some folks around here. Respect! His respect for you and your self respect for yourself. That is where I would be right now. There was a period where I felt that my wife was showing me very little respect. I told her so and made no contact with her. Since then, she has stopped that type of behavior and apologized when when has crossed the line since then. I had to stand up for myself and tell her, I have self respect and until you treat me the same way I treat you, there is no reason for us to communicate unless it is necessary and about the kids.

Since that time, we have come a long way. I am not saying that my way is the only way or the right way for everyone. But I think it is the right way for me. Since I started standing up to her, she has been nicer and spends lots more time here. She even came over last night and cooked diner with me and we had a nice time after the meal.

I am so very sorry you had to deal with this Christa, as a man I cannot stand for men to mistreat women. What he did was wrong and very unattractive. I am sure he is not as attractive to you today.

Sorry to hear about last night for you Christa, I am going to give you a different perspective than JS did. Don't be hurt by what I am going to say but this is what I am reading into it.

Your H knew you would end up in this pub, he probably knew your family would end up with you. This was all a set up by him. He did what he did for one of two reasons and only one of the reasons. 1. He did this to make you jealous and see if you would come back to him, remember, you have been dark for a month so in his mind, he don't know what you have been doing, maybe he feels you have been seeing someone and is only trying to get back at you for what he feels you are out there doing yourself. 2. He did this to show he is moving on and wanted to show you on his terms.

Now, I know that detaching is suppose to be the best thing for any of us to do but it does not work in all cases. You keep up with my thread, you know what I am going through, my W told me the reason she served them is because we don't talk much anymore therefore she felt I was going to hold her to the May 1st deadline I told her about 1.5 months ago to let me know what she is going to do with our house, either buy me out or sell it. I haven't spoke of this since that one coversation as I was going to wait out a whole year before I persued any legal action to go forth in my sitch. Since I had cut all R talks off with her, and I thought this to be a R talk, she went forward with the L's.

Again, don't shoot the messenger here, I don't know what your H was thinking but I would almost bet money on it being one of the two scenerios I gave.

Sorry to see you are down right now, you have done so good, I agree, give yourself more time to think about what you will do from here. Ping

Ping, I want and need any input I can get...and totally appreciate it. I totally agree that this was a set up. I think she was a pawn in his game play, she was a nobody. If he was seeing somebody on a serious level, I would know by now. We have too many common friends for me not to know. I agree, I think I may be have detatched too much. But I am not sure about anything at this point. I have always been the one to pursue him, when things went bad when we were dating, I fixed it. I almost wonder if in his mind, since I screwed things up, it is my job to fix it....I'm so confused. He's a tough nut to crack. I am anxious to see what the next week will bring. I am going to do a lot of praying, and soul searching to figure out how I am going to proceed. Even though I am hurt and angry, My gut instinct, is still not telling me to D. But I think, I need to get a game plan together.

Thanks for your input ping. Don't ever worry about hurting my feelings, feedback, and male perspective is always appreciated.

thanks Ping!!
hugs
Christa

Just a little update...H text msgd me today "Do you want me to bring this credit card to work with me or what".... I am not sure if he was "fishin" to see what type of response he was going to get, or what he was up to??? That was at 2pm, as of now, I haven't text him back. Part of me says don't, but part of me says if I don't send something back, such as, just mail it to me, or leave it at so&so's house, he will know he got to me.

Any good advice out there???

thanks
Christa

Christa, my guess is if he texted you hours ago, he is already thinking that he got to you. I would text him back to mail it or drop it off. Keep your same tone that you have in the past few texts, don't change what you have been doing. My guess is once you text him back to do whatever, he will then want to call or text you back again as I am sure he is fishing to see your response. Ping

Thanks Ping, I just got off work, so I will say just that. Got off work, you can either mail it to me, or leave it with so & so. I am just afraid of him thinking he got to me.

thanks Ping!
hugs 2 U
christa

Christa, I can almost guarantee you that he thinks he got to you. It appears this is what he set out to do. One thing to note though, this happened Saturday night, so you didn't contact him yesterday as I bet he was waiting on your call so good for you for not doing that. Being you didn't contact him, he text you today to start the conversation. He was probably shocked you didn't call him yesterday. It will be interesting to see how he takes your text, something tells me he will want to see you.

Ping, I text msgd him over an hr ago. here's what I wrote "just drop it in the mail, that would be great" I just wanted to be to the point but not a sassy biotch either. I also included my address, just so he wouldn't have that excuse either! I agree, he was probably totally shocked by my behavior, last year when I saw him at the local pub and he was talking to the chick I knew he was dating, I went up and asked her in front of him and a bunch of people, "does it make you feel good dating my husband, and screwing a married man???" The next day before I could even text him to apologize for my behavior, he was texting me, and asking why I only wanted to be around him when I was drinking, and why did I act the way that I did.... so I am pretty dang sure, me not speaking to him, not texting him, and just walking away from the sitch, has totally thrown him for a loop.

I am anxiously awaiting how he is going to respond to my text about mailing me the "credit card" (I am so thinking austin powers..."the laser" and the air quotes here!!!!)it will be interesting to see if I get it in the mail in the next few days, or if he fires off a text in the morning about it...will keep you posted!

Ping, I just want to thank you for being so supportive to me during this time, I truly appreciate it $\:\)$ hugs to u!

christa

Hi Christa, have you heard anything back from H yet?

Hey Ping, thanks for checkin in on me! Not a word...I'm wondering if I pist him off by not giving in to the response he was wanting (seeing him)??? I don't know, I'm still sooo hurt and angry...I don't want to see him right now. We shall see what the next couple of days brings forth!

thanks again Ping...you've been great to me the past couple of days, when I have needed it the most, thank you $\:\)$

hugs 2 u
christa

Hi Christa,

I am so sorry to hear of your interaction with H this weekend. To say it was disrespectful is an understatement but you handled it great. You didn't show him the reaction he may have been looking for. Hopefully he will see that playing games is not the way to get you back and that it really doesn't make him feel any better.

Hang in there!

Hugs

HIC~ thanks for stopping in and checking on me! I'm getting over the anger now. It was all just an act. I hurt him, so he is lashing out, acting like a 17 yr old...i'm looking at it as if it were a movie, he scripted it, sad but true.

I had a session today with my DB coach, it went extremely well. She reads my H so well. She used to be a high school counselor, so I think she can even crack the tough nuts, like my H!!! She said my being dark, is really getting to him. He had to put a lot of effort into Sat. night, he went out of his way to plan that, and it was all about me. She said he is thinking about me, which is still a good sign. She stated that he feels inadequate, he has low self esteem, and I really injured both of those things by walking out, so he is doing 4 things to hurt me back...seeking attention, revenge, trying to take control, and doing things to show he is not inadequate. She said by me walking out of the bar, I did the right thing. He was wanting me to create a scene, or start crying, I didn't give him the reaction he wanted. She also thought it was good that he introduced the chick to my sister as "this is Christa's sister"...she said that shows that it really was based around me.

DB coach, said to continue on my path, no communication, use LRT techniques, stay dark. She feels it is getting to him. If I'm doing less, he will have to do more. We shall see.

Thanks to everyone who has checked in on me, and given support to me during that past few bumpy days. I am staying strong and keeping the faith, God will see me through this storm. If He wants the door to close, it will, but not by me, it will have to be by H's submission. I am standing firm, and being patient...even thru this crazy unpaved rocky road. I believe their is still way to much emotion between the two of us to shut the door...so I am going to keep on fighting...keepin my chin up, and forging on!

hugs 2 all of you
christa

Oh, one more thing she said that I found to be interesting. She thinks the credit card thing is just a ploy to get me to go his house??? Why, we are not sure. She even made me promise I wouldn't under any circumstance go to his house. She said even though I asked him to mail it, he wouldn't probably do that. She said if he texts me again about the card...ignore it. It's just something he's using as a game.

Your coach makes a great point. Why would someone who is no longer interested go to such great lengths to make you jealous? You're doing a great job hanging in there.

hugs

Hi Christa, any new updates?

Hey Ping, Thanks 4 checkn up on me $\:\)$ No word out of the H since Monday. I went down to see a friend of ours she and her H had a baby, the baby is 10 wks today. Her and her H were best friends with us. Long story...I will cut to my point. My H talked to her H, and said, he didn't know what was going on with me, felt like I was ignoring him, maybe it would have been easier to D from the beginning. I took this to be positive in many ways, even though at first it does not look that way...here's my thinking. 1. He's opening up to someone who may/may not leak it to get back to me, 2. he feels ignored...the start of something here, possibility hints, of him starting to miss me??? 3. he took responsibility for the decision and said 'we', WOW, big step, 4. he was actually being very vulnerable here, first time he has done this since this has happened...it's a babay step, a small one, that I will take....now it's how to proceed from here????

Anywho, It was great to spend the day with my friends and the baby. The baby is soooo freggin cute. I also told my friends H, some things, things that I regret, and how I still want to work on things...I was totally positive and upbeat. They are 100% for us working on things. It's nice to have good friends like them! I didn't want my friends H to feel like he had to run and tell my H any of what I said, but if the subject gets brought up again, my friends H can say well I know how your W feels, because she told me. all in all it was a great day!

hugs to you ping!
thanks for checkn up on me $\:D$
christa

Hey Christarn,

A belated thank you for your comments to me ("WAW leaving me because of past depression..."). I am such a dork with these BB strings, so I didn't see your comment until last night. Derrr.

Seeing the above comment about your H feeling ignored makes me wonder what you should do. It hard to do dark and to know if it is the right thing, at least for me. At what point should we initiate contact, especially if the visits are enjoyable to both people? Hmmm. I have discussed this with Vernetta. When you have a couple good visits, I tend to want to keep the good mojo going...not smother her, but maybe invite her to coffee in a week. I was told to refrain, and to wait for HER to call. Damn, it's hard.

BTW, I am regularly going to rejoiceministries.com. I printed out the Standers' Affirmation. Right on! Thanks for that!

just a couple of small updates....the H tried to call, yes, call me on Tues. However, I was at work, and busy, so I couldn't answer the call. I did try to call him back, and he didn't answer. I left him a msg but didn't hear back from him....still wondering what that was about???? Maybe the mystery credit card...which still hasn't came in the mail!!! $\:\)$

So..onto last night! My friend needed to buy her sig. other a battery operated weedeater, and had a crazy electrical question...some of them were measured in amps, and some in volts...so probably against better judgement, but stuck in a bind..we called my H (he's an electrician)...he didn't answer...but I left him a msg. Told him our dilema. I am very happy to say, about an hour later he returned my call! My friend and I had already figured out our problem...and had moved on.... the H was extremely polite...he was going to tell me exactly what I needed to know, it was really noisy where he was...I asked where r u?? he told me which bar he was at...we chatted for a minute..I believe he wasn't ready to hang up...but in DB fashion I said...I know your with your friends and busy so I won't keep you...thanks for calling me back...and that was that!

any input???

thanks & hugs
Christa

Originally Posted By: christarn

I am very happy to say, about an hour later he returned my call! My friend and I had already figured out our problem...and had moved on.... the H was extremely polite...he was going to tell me exactly what I needed to know, it was really noisy where he was...I asked where r u?? he told me which bar he was at...we chatted for a minute..I believe he wasn't ready to hang up...but in DB fashion I said...I know your with your friends and busy so I won't keep you...thanks for calling me back...and that was that!

any input???

thanks & hugs
Christa

Christa,

Good job on that. It showed self confidence, friendship and trust. If I were him, I'd be off-balance and thinking good thoughts about you. Well done. Keep it up.

Originally Posted By: christarn

I am very happy to say, about an hour later he returned my call! My friend and I had already figured out our problem...and had moved on.... the H was extremely polite...he was going to tell me exactly what I needed to know, it was really noisy where he was...I asked where r u?? he told me which bar he was at...we chatted for a minute..I believe he wasn't ready to hang up...but in DB fashion I said...I know your with your friends and busy so I won't keep you...thanks for calling me back...and that was that!

any input???

thanks & hugs
Christa

Christa,

Good job on that. It showed self confidence, friendship and trust. If I were him, I'd be off-balance and thinking good thoughts about you. Well done. Keep it up. You may make him feel safe and confortable calling in the future.

Originally Posted By: christarn

I am very happy to say, about an hour later he returned my call! My friend and I had already figured out our problem...and had moved on.... the H was extremely polite...he was going to tell me exactly what I needed to know, it was really noisy where he was...I asked where r u?? he told me which bar he was at...we chatted for a minute..I believe he wasn't ready to hang up...but in DB fashion I said...I know your with your friends and busy so I won't keep you...thanks for calling me back...and that was that!

any input???

thanks & hugs
Christa

Christa,

Good job on that. It showed self confidence, friendship and trust. If I were him, I'd be off-balance and thinking good thoughts about you. Well done. Keep it up. He may really look forward to future contacts and feel more comfortable returning your calls (my 1st W kept b--ching me-out when ever I returned her calls...finally I stopped returning her calls).

Flipper~ Thanks!! I appreciate your feedback $\:\)$ I much appreciate it....and hope you are right...I also hope that since I wasn't nasty on the phone, it might encourage more communication....only time will tell!

christa

Hi Christa-

I noticed you were in IL (as am I) and I was wondering if you actually have gone to the DB office in Woodstock?

No....I would probably look into something like that when(I stay positive) my sitch. improves!

christa

Good job Christa with the phone call, now you and I both know that there is no credit card brochure for you to see, it's only a ploy. Keep doing what you are doing, you are doing great and I like the way you ended the call. Ping

Christa,

Just catching up on your sitch, seems the run in with H which seemed devastating has turned somewhat into a positive. Good job of ending phone calls first. Some changes with my sitch. I'll update it shortly.

Mike

Mike, I am soooooooooooooooo extatic to hear from you $\:D$ Can't wait to hear your updates!!

Thanks for your input!! I'm slowly regaining my positive momentum back after the devistation of the "bar" incident. It was hurtful, but it was just an act...had a long talk with my coach about it...I'm slowly getting over the anger...still have my moments....typical woman!!!hehehe!!!

happy to see your name around here!! I was so excited!! I've missed your input!! Hope all is well with you

Christa

Christa,

Just me and the dog around the house these days, my son and daughter have moved out, S with his friend and D with her BF, I wasn't happy about that but she's 20 and not much I can do. Her BF is in the Marines and will find out shortly if he will be deployed to Iraq, he volunteered. If he is she will move back in with me. My son is going to buy the 57 Chevy and has agreed to sell it back to me one day for the same price plus any upgrades he has put into it. W came up with the price for it and she's happy to see it stay in the family. She is still wanting the D. She wants to chase after a married man she works with. I have suspected a long time ago she has had an A with him.

Mike

WOW Mike, that is a lot....how are you doing with all of that? You have been under going some stress lately....that is saying it mild!

I am glad to see the chevy staying in your family. Very Glad $\:D$

Do you think your W is still having A with OM...or is it in her head? I think the rational side of it is...he will not leave his W for her...if so he would have done it by now.

Keep your chin up! I'm glad to see you back around these parts $\:\)$
I didn't have anyone to tell when I got a new vicky's last time!! Or at least anyone who would find it as funny as you!!

Hugs 2 u Mike
christa

Christa,

Don't think W is seeing OM now, I think he tried to put her off, must have said something like he won't do anything with her until she is D'd. Doubt he will leave his W for her, a friend who knows him says he won't leave his W. I think W thinks he will. I think she can't forget about him.I do see W coming out of her MLC more. She stays awake longer, has more contact with our S's and grand daughter in the last 2 months than she had in the last year. She is friendlier towards me and even exchanged back massages a couple of times. Boy was it good to feel her skin!!

Tell me, when you wear your vickies can you look down to see your shoes, LOL.

I'm hoping to buy the 57 back from son in a year.

Hey Christa..

Been checking on ya.. haven't seen much going on.

That is either good.. or bad.

FG!!! You ROCK!!!! Thanks for checking on me $\:\)$ If I could have a bumper sticker attatched to my thread, it would say "I've been gumped!" LOL!!!

So here's the skinny.... Just had a session with DB coach...she encouraged me to send an apology to H's family....I had told her in our conversation I had felt bad for some of things I had said and done....but was waiting for things to get a little better between the H and I before apologizing. She thought it would make it look I was doing it for him, if I waited...so I am going to work on putting something together over the next couple of days...new goal!!

She also thinks he is getting curious....told a mutual friend that I was "ignoring him"....she felt like me stepping back was getting his attention. I used to chase, beg, plead...she said that was encouraging his negative behaviors....no more of dat!!

So Saturday will be two weeks no contact...we shall see where it goes!!

hugs 2 all

Christa

"If I could have a bumper sticker attatched to my thread, it would say "I've been gumped!" LOL!!!"

Thanks.. it means a lot.

"she encouraged me to send an apology to H's family....I had told her in our conversation I had felt bad for some of things I had said and done....but was waiting for things to get a little better between the H and I before apologizing."

I would like to hear some of the story behind that. I may have missed it.

story behind the in laws...it's rather ugly..and i will admit full on i said things out of anger that in retrospect, i shouldn't have said...so here goes!

When things were going down hill between my h and i he made a comment to me " if you try to leave me I will take half of your daddies money!" At that point in time, I was super close to his sister in law (H's brothers wife) I called her upset, and said if he does that I will D him, and turn him into the IRS. My H's family has a business...my father in law and two brother in laws are all co-owners....when my H is laid off, they would hire him for cash under the table. Needless to say, my sister in law, who I thought I cuold confide in, (WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!) and who I thought would realize I was just PO'd (WRONG!WRONG!WRONG!) decided to tell the whole family...but twisted my words...saying I would turn the whole company in for tax evasion...not what I said.

My H is one of 6 children...needless to say there is always drama! His family tends to pick on whatever family member isn't in the house at the current moment and backstab away...his mom is the worst. I never realized it...until I was away from it...now I can only imagine what was being said about me. Anyway, when H and I were talking more frequently, he made mention to the fact of how hurt they were by what I did. How they used to be really proud to have me be a part of their family...but after what I did...not so much.

I know, deep down in my heart of hearts, I said and did things that were inappropriate. I know, if I had a child and a person did what I did to my child, I would be upset. I am not trying to do this to get my H's attention...if that were the case, I would have done it a long time ago. I just feel as if enough time has past, it is the "right" thing to do. His family welcomed me with open arms through some of the hardest times in my life....and I let them down...I need, for my own self, to let them know, I know, what I did was wrong. And in reflection, if I could change it I would a million times over.

I just know I will have to be careful of my wording, as I don't want them to think I am arrogant or self riteous. I want to be as honest and sincere as I can be.

that is my backstory, on the inlaws...I'm not real proud of how I acted toward the end of my days that I lived with my H....but am looking forward to the days ahead, days in which he will see the growth inside....and where this...this crazy process has taken me.

christa

another tidbit...H text msgd me this afternoon...wanted to know if I was working, he was going to give me the "credit card" ( I so see austing powers..the laser beam...in my mind when I put credit card in quotes!!!LOL) today, if I was there. I msgd back, when I woke up from a nap, told him I was home...we msgd back and forth for over an hour!! I know..like wow!!! it was kind of wild, at the end, I was like, well i'm gonna quit buggin you...have a good weekend. he msgd me back, and said same 2 u, what u got a hot date or something...so I msgd him back and said yeah, with the medical center (where I work....got to work all weekend) he msgd me again...r u working 2 nite...i replied no...after that he stopped. So I don't know if he was just fixated that I was just going to hang out at home on friday night, or what?? Don't know if he was waiting for me to ask him what he was doing...not sure where that was going...either way...i'm just happy to hear from him....and to have some small conversation with him!

it put a smile on my face $\:\)$
christa

I gotta think about this letter thing.. something just dosen't sit right.

Glad last night went well.. and gave you a little bit more hope.

Thanks FG...I'm wondering what you're thinking inside that head!!

2 things come to my mind...1. will it look like i'm apologizing to gain ground with my H, or 2. will I come off looking conceited/arogant....neither of which is what I want. I just know deep down, I did/said wrong things....and know something should be done about it....toss that around some...let me know what you think....the coach thought, short and simple, admitting my faults, accepting responsibility for my actions, and apologizing...no frills... via a card...

i'm just as happy as flies on cow poopy about last night. first time in a while i'm starting to see a beacon of hope...still a long road ahead...but the times between his communications are becoming shorter and shorter...something is changing!

thanks for checkn on me

christa

Same thing bouncing in my head..

Give me a gender count on who you offended.

If there were couples involved.. that would be important.

Or is this limited to just the MIL and FIL.

FG..here is the skinny..now this is gettn crazy..ready for the soap opra..and remember i live in small town america..population, no joke, 700!!

SIL, bestfriend is who my H dated for a while post seperation...her and I had huge falling out after the mix of words. I have already apologized to her via an email. She works right down the hall from me, at the hospital.

another SIL was going through D, my H and I became close to her H, as she was going thru MLC....family thought I was having an A, with him....yuck, yuck, yuck,...however, she as far as I know, has no issues...

from what H has told me, it is just mainly parents. His family has more drama than you could ever in your craziest moments begin to imagine. no joke.

I'm ok with apologizing, via a card...short/simple, to parents...i'm sure it will get past around the whole family, and and might even get posted in the town hall!

I'm a little nervous about H's reaction. This will also take away one of his "cards in the game" so to say. DB coach and I talked about that.

I truthfully think I am good with most of the family, with the exception of the parents...but who knows ???

last day of a 7 day work stretch...i'm ready for a break!
thanks for the feedback... $;\)$

christa

another update!

H text me to let me know a friend of ours had past away. He even refered to him as "r friend"...I thought/think...this is a good sign (not that our friend has past away, or that in any regards I'm looking at his death in that regard) he didn't have to tell me about this friend passing away. Our friend lives in Wisconsin, and we only saw him when we would go up north to see my BIL/and his wife. So I would have never known...just thought it was a really nice/kind gesture.

We text msgd back and forth for about half an hour. He was on his bike at one of my all time favorite bar/resturants in alton, Il called Fast Eddies. The strange thing is, he told me in another text, I'm toasting one to clapper(our friend) at your favorite spot in alton....I text him back and was like...what...then he said where he was. I was like it must be nice, some of us are working today!! he made a few wise cracks, as did I...light flirting! It was good stuff!!

I'm seeing some glimmers of light on my sitch!!! Slow but sure, little twinkles of light!!

christa

Hey Christa,

Sorry to butt in. Been following your thread. I too have an apology letter drafted to my in-laws. Haven't sent it yet. I've had it on computer for a few months. I know how you feel about "doing what's right". I really miss them. In the letter, I said that, adding that I let them down, along with their daughter. I ended off with a sincere apology. Still don't know if I should send it.

I am overjoyed about your text-banter with the H. Starting to see a solid positive pattern here? Hmmmm. Also sounds like he might be fishing to determine if you are seeing anyone. He looks curious. Good signs.

thanks for checkn in on me flipper!! much appreciated!! $\:D$

I'm going to send the apology...new goal!! Just need to work on how to word it...and timing it. I DO NOT want inlaws to feel as if it is a manipulation to "get" H back/nor H to feel that way. Also, do not want them to think...who does she think she is...so many thoughts going thru my head. I just know it is the "right" thing to do. Regardless of what they say... can apologizing for hurting someone really be bad thing?

I'm in total agreeance(if that is a word!!! LOL) about him being curious about me...lovn that!! deffinitly seein some positive signs here!! love it!!

The power of prayer and patience....they are slowly getting me somewhere $\:\)$

take care flipper,
Christa

Christa, I am sorry to hear about your friend. Your H didn't have to let you know about it so that is a good thing.

On a side note, your H has been in contact with you now twice in the past few days, I know you are wanting to send the inlaws an apology letter, the sooner the better. The reason I say this is it appears to me your H is showing signs of coming around and contacting you, if you let this go for too long and the contact starts happening more often, the letter to the inlaws can be percieved as your way of getting him back. If you send it when there is little contact as is the case right now, the feelings will not be percieved as strongly that way. JMHO.

Keep doing what you are doing, I know it has been hard on you not seeing or communicating with H, things are looking better so you are doing something right.

Ping...this is where I am now stuck...since H is starting to come arund is it going to look to him(H)...because I know he will be shown the card/letter...as a manipulation to try to "get him back"...I can not let 5 months of hard work be gone like that. I am in no means trying to blow off an apology that I do believe I owe his parents...I'm just terrified of the timing, and of the perception. Especially now. He's communicated with me 3 times in an 8-9 day period...i'm just very weary of how this could be perceived...not so much by in-laws...but by my H. When I talked to DB coach...she didn't know of the two most recent communications...really changes things a bit.

thanks for your input ping! glad your finding "yourself" again! It makes this whole crazy rollar coaster ride easier once we find that place again....or at least it did for me.

thanks again... hugs 2 you
christa

Christa, I would give it another week or two, if he doesn't make any contact with you then I would send the letter or card. If he does make contact with you, then do not send it. Of course this is just my personal opinion on this, I just feel since he is making contact right now then he would feel it is manipulation if you were to go ahead and send it while the two of you are communicating. On the other hand, if the contact stops over the next week or two, by all means send it and go from there.

thanks Ping $\:D$

much appreciated!! and a good plan of attack!!

christa

Ping1.. I agree.

Honestly.. I would much rather you do this face to face.

If things are changing... hold off.

If things stay the same way.. write the "Card" to the FIL.

Now when you write it.. write it like he was your dad. Put yourself in that mode. Don't be too scared of the emotion in it.

Adult Daughter.. to her Dad.

This does 2 things. It ties to some of his emotion.. even if he does not have a D. Then it comes from a man's perspective to everyone else. Now.. my thought is.. men don't like "Drama". Also they like when women talk to them. So.. the "Drama" may be controlled a bit.. and he will appreciate it. Now this has the side effect of the MIL will see thru it. Which in turn.. will take the focus off you. In my mind.. it puts alot of filters on it. It leaves you with trying to "fix" you and MIL. Maybe.

I don't envy you at all.

FG...thanks for input $\:\)$

I think for time being I'm going to hold off...just to see where H's standing is for next couple of weeks. If he shys back away...I will go on with my plan to send an apology. I agree, in your idea..face to face would be ideal. I have not seen either MIL or FIL since before I left. Given an opprotunity, or decent circumstances, I would offer a face to face apology. I think it would be much more sincere, and show much more emotion.

My home town festival days are this weekend...I'm still undecided about going. If I miss it will be the first time in 29 years I will miss. I know I should look my fear in the eyes and go...I guess with that being said...I'm scared of what those eyes may see. I always have an escape plan...always!

I never thought all of this would put so many things to think about in my head...and what the tinyiest, littliest(sp!!) mistake could screw up...and how all my work would be down the drain....with that one wrong move...

thanks for the input!
hugs
christa

Christarn: These can be tough times, but I would say if your mind starts to wonder about anything remember what you said here "The power of prayer and patience....they are slowly getting me somewhere." Also slow sucks but slow also seems to work.

"My home town festival days are this weekend...I'm still undecided about going. If I miss it will be the first time in 29 years I will miss. I know I should look my fear in the eyes and go...I guess with that being said...I'm scared of what those eyes may see. I always have an escape plan...always!"

If the fear keeps following you around... turn around and run at it.

Most of the time.. you will find.. that fear... was just you.

"I never thought all of this would put so many things to think about in my head"

Me either.. I am finding.. I have a lot of room for thoughts.

"The tiniest, littlest. mistake could screw up...and how all my work would be down the drain....with that one wrong move..."

You are stuck in the words. I fixed them for you. Wrong moves.. we will always make. They help us learn what not to do! Most of the time.. they don't have the impact we thought they did.

Now

sooners...thanks for stoppn by...yes prayrs and patience...they are getting me somewhere $\:\)$

Thanks for fixing my words FG!! I will run at my fears $\:\)$ I think I have too much room and time for my thoughts!!

will do work!!

christa

Hey Christa,

I was sitting around, thinking about your sitch. You and I have some similar in-law dynamics. I prayed and came up with this answer for my dilemma:

I will send the in-laws my apology letter (I miss them and truly am responsible for a lot of this). It could somehow not be well received, but so what. From what I hear, they are already mad at me. When I send it, I will give W a heads-up about the letter and SINCERELY explain, "I needed to do this even though it might not be received well. But this means a lot to me to do this. It's from the heart. I need to heal and move forward. This is for me and, hopefully for your parents, who fed me and took care of me all those years. They deserve the chance to heal too. I love them. They made you."

That's it, in a nut shell (now I'm thinking of Austin Powers). Thoughts?

You know, something doesn't sit right with me about all of this.

When you are sending an apology letter, I believe that you truly should only address the people that you are apologizing too... ie the inlaws. I believe that it's no one else's business, or concern, because honestly, what others think doesn't matter and they won't understand it anyway.

So, what am I saying... people will hold grudges against you for things that they perceive to be wrong, despite the fact that THEY weren't the ones being wronged. It's their impression of the events and no matter what you try to prove to them, they won't get the message because they have this lens over you and are only going to look at you through their lens, and not a wide scope lens.

I think the apology letters are a fabulous and responsible thing to do, but I don't think you should ever feel that you have to explain your actions to anyone else that is not a party to receiving the apology letter. They will think what they want, regardless.

I can't speak for anyone else, but as I said, I am doing this for me and mainly MY healing. I'm talking about addressing my letter to my MIL and FIL. Maybe it's a man thing or something and I am looking at this thing from the FIL point of view. If I saw my daughter hurting, I would be upset with my SIL and I, personally might appreciate the sentiment.

It's just something I would like to do to be honorable and forthright...because that is the kind of person I am. Someone else might worry about what they might think. If my FIL twists it around, they're going to do that with anything I do. Can't be bothered.

If they take it wrong, that is their problem. I don't particularly worry about that. But the olive branch has been extended, however futile that may seem to some. The fact remains that they entrusted their dear daughter to me and I, to a degree, squandered my duties as a husband. I feel the innate need to set things straight so I can truly face them in the future and feel decent about it..also for my "spiritual" health. Hope that makes sense.

Now if this was a civil litigation situation and I hit a lawyer in a crosswalk? Screw everything I just said. But it's not. We're all just family here. No worries, bruddah!

This is very interesting subject matter. I followed you over her Flipper. I thought I have seen christarn's posts a while back I when she was starting C.

But anyways, I thought getting in touch with the IL's was a rule breaker but understand you must go with what you feel is best for yourself sometimes. My W told me that when she told her family she was filing, the stood behind her. Then W said when put D on hold, that she went against her word to her family. I dont know if that was a lie or not, but W even mentioned how her brother has really never liked me but her dad loves me. I would like very much to have gotten in touch with him during this process and was suppose for an assignment that we never did, but feel its too late unless W is willing to put D on hold again and show me that we still might have a chance.

What I am saying or asking is when is the right time to apologize to them if ever? Cause wont it look like you are begging or pleading? I know you say you are doing it for your own healing Flipper, does that mean no matter which path is choose for you, M or D, you arent necessarily doing it to save your marriage?

I think its way too late for me to be up, probably not making the words tie together real well. Better look at this later today after I get oh, almost 5 hours of sleep. But hey, I am young!

WOW..thanks for all the input!! should have made this topic it's own thread $\:D$

I feel personally responsible for many things that went wrong in my M...not all...but many. I just know I said some harsh things about my IL's, and no matter how twisted the words became, they once fed me, opened their home to me, and loved me as their own...for this, I owe them an apology. I also need to respect my H enough, to honor where it is he came from and respect those roots as well. I am not or will not beg or plead for forgiveness...or go into great lengths. I just need to get some of this weight off of my chest...and after talking with my coach, I think it's a good idea. I'm a little concerned though, as H has been really text happy the past couple of days.

Speaking of the devil...he text msgd me today and I asked if I could meet him during my break as he had the "credit card" with him. I did...low and behold, it was a real live credit card. I don't know which one of my cards has been bought out by this company, and which card I had not changed to my new address...but it was a live card...not an offer!! So I'm sure my jaw hit the ground when he handed it to me! I guess now I'm wondering what will the next week or so bring as that is all he has really talked about to lead him into any "chatty" stuff...i'm really hoping he won't disappear again. I guess only time will tell. We BS'd for a minute, then he had to get back to work. I'm still uncertain about the festival days. Things right now are good between he and I, and I'm just so nervous about something screwing that up....not sure what I'm going to do yet. Suppose to go with my sister down home to the first night of the festival tomorrow...will make a final decision then!

thanks for all the input!!
hugs 2 all
christa

Jandn,

Didn't mean to hijack Chista's thread! Anyway, I didn't know apology letters to IL's were no-no's. I just was wanting to mend some fences with them. I really don't think it would fix the M at all...just get some stuff off my chest like Christa said. Everyone's sitch is different and I am not recommending it for everyone. Only you know your heart and sitch. It's a toughy! Sorry I couldn't help more.

Christa,

I'm discouraged today! Really down. Help. Word is getting back to me that W is telling people she is divorcing me and "It's just something I have to do." This is the same tone that she took since this started in December...she hasn't wavered. It's like she's locked-on. The D is final in August. She hasn't called me in about 2 weeks. Going dark doesn't seem to work. She blew me off, except for that text message, on our anniversary, Saturday. Man, this doesn't look good. Should I breath into a paper bag? I have a bad feeling.

Flipper...breath into a paper bag!! have you talked to a DB coach? mine has really helped me. tremendously!!

Watch the joelosteen stuff...it will totally make you feel good!!

then breath more into a paper bag!!

You have plenty of time...August is a LONG LONG way away....breath flipper breath...time is on your side $\:\)$ patience....look at me...been at this since april/may of last year...still here!! time is your friend!! breath in thru your nose out thru your mouth...calm, slow, relax!! aaaaaaahhhhh

hugs 2 you flipper
christa

Yes sorry to hijack thread. Having deja vu for some reason right now as I post and texting a friend about my W. But have a couple of comments that came to mind as I read these posts from last few hours.

Well I thought the no-no was not to contact with WAW family and cant find it on here again, but an apology is different I guess and christarn said her coach said to,so like many other times, I might be wrong.

I read when W first filed (2-14-08) to a friend "its not something I want to do, its something that has to been done". But then a few weeks later tells counselor "yeah I probably shouldnt have filed" so I dont know if that was another lie or what.

I know the feelings. I go to court Monday, and that sets up the final date 77-106 days after that so yea, we will be right around the same time. Lucky you dont have kids involved, just a dog. Just hang in there and take it one day at a time. You have been through this before so you know the feelings you have had before are repairable.

Back to the apology. Since fathers day is Sunday, I wonder if that would be a good time to send a card to FIL apologizing for all the hurt I have put him and his daughter threw not only this year but ever since. I dont know how it would be looked upon and I dont even know what to say really. I know I shouldnt point out things W has done wrong but my own wrong doings. I wouldnt say we were that close, but has told me how proud of me he is/was. I dont know how to explain everything, just wish I knew what I could do to make this right.

Christa,

You crack me up! I almost lost a lung. But actually I DO feel better! I have always liked RN's cuz their sooo twisted like me. Do you take Blue Shield?

I will make another appt. with my coach. For whatever reason, I get anxious hearing through the grapevine, the things that she tells ME. It's like if they say it to someone else, it's in stone.

Hey Jandn,

I'm still holding onto my letter for some reason. Only you would know the likelyhood the card/letter would be received well. It's a crapshoot I'll admit. What I have done is write a letter and SAVE it on my computer, then sleep on it and read it the next day or so. When in doubt, don't send it. If you must do it, only do it when it feels totally right to you (after emotions have subsided, pondered it awhile, etc.). Don't let fathers' day rush your descion either way.

Has he recently told you how proud he is?...since the separation and all? If so, that would make a difference. My FIL is not happy with me and has never been totally supportive of W and I.

He told me back in Sept after we had a falling out, then turned to him to get advice. Seemed like we were going to be recommited after that day, but took a couple of weeks, and W was back to same ole her again. So, the day after we had a talk with him, I emailed him a thank you saying that is what I had been looking for all summer to turn this around for us. That is what he wrote back about loving me like is own son.

I dont think he is mad at me, cause on that same day, he told us if you guys cant work it out, none of us are going to be mad at either of you. But since then stuff has happened, and can only blame ourselves not each other.

So yea, I think I am going to not do anything. Some things just better left alone. Thanks for the input.

Flipper...yes, I have ben told a time or two nurses have a twisted train of thought!! I will add it to your bill!! HAHA!!

I have learned one thing thru my year and 2 months of rollar coaster riding...believe nothing you hear and only 50 percent of what you see! It is hard to do...but think about when you played telephone as a kid....things were always blown out of proportion....just as the gossip train blows things out of proportion!!

Well I survived the hometown festival days with no run ins with the H. I saw his sister and his niece. His niece was so awesome to me. Sister was nice, but short...which was ok. At least she spoke, could have been worse! I was kind of surprised the H wasn't there...I'm wondering if he got word I was there and stayed away??

Anywho...still unsure about the whole apology thing...think I will hold off a little while longer...and see where it goes with H over next week or so.

hugs to all
christa

Christa,

Glad your weekend was uneventful and somewhat positive. I just got an e-mail from W asking about the property settlement. She had to end-off with, "Please just let me go."

What is up with that? Why is she so concerned about what I do or whether I am holding on? I haven't even contacted her, except for the friendship/anniversary card. She makes it sound like I am still begging and pleading. Could it be she wants me to give her some sort of green light, so she will feel exonerated?

All I know is I am being true to myself, trying to keep my mouth shut and am validating her. It just bums me out, especially when my house is being refinanced, etc. But she keeps saying stuff like this. I can't even go completely dark because of the paperwork and property settlement.

What does she want? Does she want me to get pissed and "break it off"? I have been friendly and upbeat, so do I have to do a 180 and act unfriendly some how? What kind of prick would I be then?It's not my style.

I refused to give into her and say everything she is doing is great. I simply respond by saying that I cannot stop her and that "my feelings haven't changed". Opinions?

Flipper...your wife baffles me a bit....I'm not sure about the whole let me go thing. Although my H made remarks like that...lets get D'd and if it's meant to be down the road it will happen. I think he wanted me to fight, whine and cry over him. Beg for him. My coach says he feeds on negative attention...it's the only attention he had during his childhood...Was your W's childhood similiar? by negative attention I mean was she in trouble a lot? Did she make trouble to get attention from her parents? There is a reason she saying to you "just let me go?" she feels as if she has done something to not deserve you anymore...the question is what...or what she is feeling.

I think you are doing good by remaining true to yourself...it's the one thing we all must do in this whole crazy process. Once we find our "true self" again...it's really where the journey begins.

On a side note, I heard some gossip of my own...it's hard to not let it upset me...but I will follow my own adivce "believe nothing I hear and only 50% of what I see"...but anyways, here goes. So I had a freaking great time at the festival days last night, lots of old friends I never see since I moved away, well I called my sister this morning to chat a little about last night with her (she went with me). And brought up how I thought it was strange H wasn't there...she's like well I was told not to tell you this last night because you were having such a good time and nobody wanted to ruin your fun, but H is dating chick again. As in the chick he dated prior to our moving in together, as in the same chick who he called/text and got a ride with to a party (drunk) during our M which put icing on the cake to me walking out, as in the same chick, who immediatly started calling/texting him when she found out I left, not such good news....I was not the happiest of campers. She is not in my top ten favorite people index either. If the gossip train is true, she has proven several times she can make her bed very well...as I will prove here in this scenario: she got pissed off at him one night and decided to put a lit cigarette out on his hand...can anyone say nut job?? so my first prayer is that it is only a rumor, second prayer...she will show her true colors sooner rather than later this go round!!

sorry needed to vent a little!
christa

Christa, no apologies necessary. Besides, didn't you start this thread? I think I hijacked it $\:\)$ Right now take that as gossip until you know otherwise.

Sounds like you had a great time. That's what's important right now. I spoke to my W's friend and ran the "let me go" thing by her. She only speculated. They haven't talked in awhile. W's friend still has a glimmer of hope for us but feels W is trying to "find herself" (Gag!). Basically, it feels like, no matter what, the W wants this D and will stop at nothing to gain her "freedom". Sounds like she doesn't know WHAT she wants and the grass might be greener.

W has admitted to me, in the past, and recently to others that she cries but must do this. She feels she has no other choice and "This is what I have to do."

Christa, I think you may have said that she was trying to get my attention. But it seems like, no matter what, this D means something to her. I speculate that it represents independence to her. If it weren't for my PTSD, I would say she's MLC.

Some other reliable intel...a certain counselor (a few months ago) had her to where she almost would sit down with me in a couples session...but she backed out. She had issues to iron out with me but got cold feet.

Answer to your question: No she was never in trouble and she's a sweety. I do not suspect a EA/PA at all. She's the type of person who cannot tell you what she wants and needs from you. Has a real hard time "criticizing" or speaking out. From what she told me, her therapist WAS helping her with that. Low self esteem. Never thinks she's pretty enough (she's HOT, BTW), doesn't think she's smart. Her friend was just telling me all of this tonight.

Damn, Christa. I love her so much. I'm sworn to secrecy I know but I should be the one praising her. But it sounds like that part is not about me, but about her. Hope she gets help with that. But this new insight might help me with a 180. Sounds slimy to exploit. Yessssss. Exxxxcellent!

Help me with my evil plan, Christa. Seriously, I have no imagination here or even know if I should entertain a 180 on this issue. Ideas?

Ok, flipper first no plans are evil!!! It just helps us to get our S's back...that is not evil, that is us working against the enemy for plotting against us!!!

Second, I am all for having an attack plan. I'm an OCD control freak!! My friend who is totally down with the whole DB thing...is like girl you have got to let go...like big time. When I heard H could possibly be dating the crazy chick again, I was ready to stir up the pot a little...I have calmed my crazy little self down, and will let God work on the other side of that mountain for me $\:\)$ so we will work on some 180's for you!

First off, what have you done? What were complaints about you during your R/M. A true 180 has to be changing the things she complained about the most. My best example is one I am currently doing...I used to chase chase chase, text text text, ask to cook dinner, want to do everything for my H. I have stopped it all cold turkey. He's not knowing what to think. When he does text, I don't feed into the things he wants me to feed into...like asking him to do something...he asked me at least 5 times last week what I was doing, kept givin him crazy answers...I know he wanted me to ask him back what he was doing, or if he wanted to do something...can't give him that little piece of satisifaction...cause then it's game over! And I would be bak to square one for at least a month, totally not worth it. Yes it's one big game, and I'm along for the crazy train ride along!!

So now, we have to figure out what is going to make her tick, and get you to do it! Then we will have some success! Get a coaching session scheduled...that will give you a base as well!

good luck
christa

Christa,

Here's the latest...We are going to see an attorney to do the property settlement. I was on the phone with her for over an hour. Some D talk, her opening up and telling me what I did wrong; how my stress affected her...and it DID screw things up. She started crying when telling me of my behavior and got fed up. But later she told me that she forgives me and is beyond it. Hmmm. It clearly still hurts her.

She did make mention of our recent nice visits saying that they are making new good memories. But she places these visits in the friendship category...not at all the beginnings of anything. I told her that I had noticed that, after we have a nice visit, she walls-off and seems to feel threatened by it (I put the cards on the table). I told her that the good calls and visits DO NOT give me hope (I lied). I said that I now expect her to pull back after such a positive visit. She confirmed that. I added that I was painfully aware that these nice visits never leave me feeling that things are turning around. I asked if we could just get a stinking cup of java and not read into it. She welcomed that. It seemed to help put her at ease.

But, man, she sure seems to love her lifestyle and really wants this divorce. I asked her why she kept telling me "let me go..." She got the impression that I was stalling the settlement by not calling her. I told her that I did not believe in this D and would not be calling her, moving this along. She would have to call me and I was letting it go at HER pace.

She said she is very happy being on her own and she is moving on. She says she is not feeling sexual at all and does NOT want a relationship with anyone. Really sounds like she is fried with relationships and wants to truly be alone. She very clearly told me that she does not want to be married to me. When asked how she would feel seeing me with another woman, she said she would welcome it. That freaking hurt but I asked.

We ended up talking about what as going on in her life and actually had a good talk...but maybe I have to go dark for her to see what she is losing. If it were not for the proceedings, I would not even call her. We told each other that we loved each other. I backslid on some issues. I even asked her to put the D on hold so she didn't have to refi the house and raise the mortgage through the roof. Of coarse, "no". I had to try.

I'm really trying to "let go", but I'm afraid I will be "done" with her and this would end things for sure. I don't know what to think, except to take her word of what she says.

flip...give it all some time to settle at least 72 hr then go from there. I was so angry with my H I said and did things just so he would leave me the hell alone. As soon as he backed off and gave me some space to figure things out...it was then I realized what the hell I had done. I don't think you going dark and truly GAL would hurt. Let her have some time to be with her thoughts and see if this is what she wants. I thought it was what I wanted...and look at me now. Would do anything to turn things around!!!

take care
christa

Christa,

Thanks for that. You're right. Just have to cool my heels and GAL. She also mad mention that she is starting to "hate people" (like I did with PTSD). I am worried that she is suffering from something like that. She has really seemed to isolate herself from people. Funny thing is, I'm the one that understands her the most!

I think I backslid with all the R talk. I'll have to re-boot and go dark...GAL like you said. She does seem to enjoy the lunches and stuff. She mentioned a couple recent meetings and that they give her new good memories. I do hope she is keeping her heart open. I have no one else I want to be around, so it's not like I'm hurting to meet anyone else. I'll just detach and focus on me.

Flipper, yes deffinetly back off the R talks. I know my H when I first left when he would want to talk about us, I would cringe. When I left it was more feelings I was going thru. Now this is me doing lots of introspection and retrospection...so go with that in mind. I realize a lot of my anger was grief over my parents death that I had not dealt with, not truly understanding what I needed to be doing as a newlywed and embracing that time in my life, trying to put myself thru school and work full time...I was way overstressed and took it all out on my H and our R/M...where am I going with this you may be pondering...you were asking about PTSD and your wife...what about something else? Some type of depression, anxiety, hormone changes...I'm just saying looking back I tried putting to much on a full plate...can't help but wonder if your wife felt the same. My other clue is, I felt I just needed some time alone, to find myself and figure out this world for myself; and I like guys and love to flirt around but at the end of the day...there is no desire to have a man in my life...it would just be too overwhelming at this point in time for me.

Don't look at it as her isolating herself from people. I find solstace in spending time alone. Learning more about myself. I read a lot, spend a lot of time online...trying to learn more about my faith, things I can do to prepare myself for when(stay positive) my R/M works out. My family gets wierded out that I spend too much time alone, but it's just me doing my thing. I spent the first part of the seperation drunk, the second part, depressed and now, I'm just trying to figure out all of this craziness! I keep busy just keeping to myself. I also wonder if she doesn't want a bunch of people up in her bussiness?? I know at first when I went out a lot, everyone was asking 50bazillion questions....not so much fun when your trying to relax and figure things out.

Don't get frustrated. Keep your faith. Read the good stuff charlyne and Bob spend you. Have you checked into the joel osteen website? OMG, I get really inspired when I watch him...there are times he even says...don't give up on that marriage, don't give up, you're a child of God...be a victor not a victim...and i just feel like he's talking to me! And I get really motivated and remember what it is I'm really fighting for! Stay busy, find a new hobby. One of my friends has reccommended paint by numbers backwards or upside down...it stimulates the left side of your brain...I'm going to buy stock in the company that makes them!!! LOL

SO just a funny update on my sitch!! My H is working across the street at the medical building...and I saw him in my rear view mirror, we left work at same time today. I accidently planned that!!!! Anyways, He past me twice...I was jabbering on the phone and smoking so pretended to not pay attention...even though you and I both know I hadn't taken my eyes off of him since leaving(thank God for sunglasses)...finally the third time he pulled right up next to me laid on the horn and waived!!!! I don't think he likes being ignored!! It made me feel pretty darn good! And when I didn't waive right at first he turned around and looked back at me!! that's when I waived! score!

hope my rambles help some flipper $\:\)$
Christa

Wow, Christa- You have so much in common with my W. This is a compliment-you two could really get along. When she's not cold with me, she is pretty funny and cool. She's warped too! I dig her.

She has maintained throughout, "I just want to be alone." When asked about relationships, she says that she just wants to be alone. And yes, since you mention it, one of her biggest complaints was/is that people are so shocked about us and she wants to avoid them.

But the other day when we were on the phone, I asked if she would be interested in going to a one or two day intensive with Michele. I set it up by asking her to help me get "closure" and so I could fully understand what happened to us, so we could remain friends. She wasn't up for it. She said she was willing to do something over the phone, but she didn't sound thrilled.
I felt I had to try and the risk of pressuring. I played it off and said it was okay. No anger.

But she did open up to me about what it was like for her to deal with my PTSD. Man, I remember. I was messed up! This is how messed up:

I would get in my mind that she might have had an affair. One night I woke her up and asked her if she had an affair...10 years earlier! I woke her up to ask this crap! BTW, did I mention there as really no basis for my "suspicion"?. That was just one incident. I would have nightmares, night sweats, insomnia, paranoia, crying, I weighed 320 (now 260), I snored, had sleep apnea (sp), I was pissed at the world, loved her dearly but I bitched all the time about stuff, etc. Almost had a couple road rage situations with her in the truck. I was a different dude in December '07.

When she moved out, she took my guns. That made me feel weird. I told her to keep them if it made her feel better. But I guess that goes to show you how she felt about me. I have never even cussed at her, but she thought I was gonna go loopy or something.

She went to my shrink a few times and finally bottomed out. Wonder why. Now she is fried. I finally got on medication around February, but she already filed. Took the medication a couple months to kick-in...let's say, March. So I've been "sane" for only a couple/few months. I feel great, except for the sitch.

She sees the difference but, today, we went to a lawyer for the property settlement. That sucks. She told me the other day to let her go. But she acknowledged that the last few visits we had were very nice and said that they created new memories. She wants to "be friends" and says she loves me and wants me in her life, but not married to me. She admitted to seeing the differences and said that she didn't think I would relapse, but still wants the D. I just think it's too soon for this thing to end.

She has a game face and attitude. But the other week, when we were in the bookstore, I saw her guard come down. Her face and voice softened. I miss that side of her. Hope to see more of that. Come to think of it, she's not so tough, probably just scared.

I forgot to mention, she gave me a fathers' day card "from the dog". I got it today and it was nice to get. She's making sure I get dog-visitation. Are we pathetic or what.

You know what, Christa? This may be pretty ballsy to say, but if we make this thing right, I would love to have kids with her. Before, I was too depressed to think I would be a good father. But now, I know people can change for the better. I feel happier than in a long time. I know...one step at a time. It's a nice thought though.

But you just echoed what she has been saying about being alone, no men, staying away from people, etc. She's been reading a lot, doing gardening and working extra hours to pay the bills. Doesn't seem to me she would have much time for another dude...at least not to me.

Yes, I love that Joel Osteen guy. Very cool. I get my dailys from rejoice and I listen to the Stop Divorce Radio every day. Reading lots of scripture, etc. Thanks for all the resources!

Very cool move on your part, getting in front of your H. You're too slick! That's pretty funny...but STOP smoking!! Okay, you need stress relief. Maybe later, when you guys reconcile. Carry on. Very glad to see your H feels comfortable enough to approach you and wave, etc. Keep luuuring him back to you...you spicy girl, you! You seem to have "The Kavorka"..."the lure of the animal" (phrase used for Cosmo Kramer when his animal magnetism caused a Greek Orthodox nun to leave the order to pursue him). Yes, you have "Kavorka", Christa. No man can resist you!! $;\)$

hello all!! hope all is well with everyone out there! Just wanted to update/get some feedback on something that happend over the weekend.

H's bday was over the weekend...i was going to ask him if I could buy him a drink sometime, but wanted to feel out the sitch first..so here's how it went down. His bday was sat, so friday, i sent him a text saying, happy b-day early. thinking if the response was positve I would see what he was doing fri night. When I sent the text he was at work, so a few hours later, he sent back a response, just said "thanks". So I just tested the water a little and asked, what's new with you...he never responded. This is a new behavior??? He had been very corgial and anytime he text me, things had been going good. This was the first time in months I had initiated communication...so I don't know if that had something to do with it. I don't know if he is upset because when he past me a few weeks ago I didn't wave or give him the response he wanted. Or if the OW is back in the picture, and something is going on there??

My mind has just been racing a little over this new behavior. not sure what he's up to?? I don't know if him working next to the hospital where I work is factored into this as well. I know he has seen me when I go out to break...could he think that is some type of "chasing" behavior??

Any input would be great!! Just not sure what is going on with him! Not that I ever am/or have been!!

thanks
Christa

"My mind has just been racing a little over this new behavior. not sure what he's up to?? I don't know if him working next to the hospital where I work is factored into this as well. I know he has seen me when I go out to break...could he think that is some type of "chasing" behavior??"

You both have been doing this little dance for a while. If I was a guessing man.. I would guess you two are stuck in a little circle.

You both "chase" a little.. then back off.

I have shy'd away from telling people to push it a little.. mainly because I post to newcomers. But.. you are not really new to this. So.. Why not step it up a little.. You have to decide for yourself.. when to stir the pot a little. If things seem flat.. you need to start looking for things that will work and things that won't.

Thanks FG....Still looking for a bumper sticker to say i've been gumped!!!

thanks for the input. I agree totally that he and I do this crazy dance...i'm just not sure on how to remedy the problem. When i first realized that i wanted to work things out, i chased...it worked for a while. then, he started backing off....made excuses for not wanting to do things. so i backed off. i'm not sure where i need to be, or how to get there. i just know i'm getting frustrated!!! I get the fact totally that time is on my side...but how long do you run from each other and the problems??

I'm afraid if I become to aggressive and start chasing him again, it will backfire in my face. If I do nothing, i will accomplish nothing and continue to be here stuck in my rut. I'm between a rock and a hard place....and i don't like it!!!

Just curious if you can get a read on what my H is thinking....he's a rather tough nut to crack. Just when I think I'm understanding him...he backs off or pulls something out of his hat.

thanks again FG!! as always great to hear from you $\:D$ and your input is appreciated!!

hugs 2 you!
christa

9 times out of 10.. I go off the poster. You are there.. I am here. You are my eyes and my ears. All I ask.. is post what you feel. I don't want the sunshine.. I want the high points.

Simply think like a man.. and write it out.. LOL.

No.. really just write what you feel. Let me sort thru it.

I got a little from you on that last post.. so here goes.

"When i first realized that i wanted to work things out, i chased...it worked for a while. then, he started backing off....made excuses for not wanting to do things."

You left.. so maybe.. I would like to see some more action from you. Dating.. is a push/pull type thing. Maybe he was just seeing where you were.

"i'm not sure where i need to be, or how to get there. i just know i'm getting frustrated!!!"

I am a firm believer in the second you think it.. someone can see it.

"I'm afraid if I become to aggressive and start chasing him again, it will backfire in my face."

Leaving did the same thing.. nothing wrong with it.. you just have to understand his perception.. has changed. Who you are.. What you want to be.. factors into this a lot. Set the bar high.. reach for it.. if you miss.. you may still win.

"I'm between a rock and a hard place....and i don't like it!!!"

So you know you are stuck. No way out.. something needs to change. Question for you.. Who can I talk to? Who will have to change things? If you don't answer you to both of those questions.. I might have to talk some more.

"Just curious if you can get a read on what my H is thinking....he's a rather tough nut to crack. Just when I think I'm understanding him...he backs off or pulls something out of his hat."

Tell you what.. imagine I am him.. and fire it off at me.

Honestly the best way for me too see.. is for you to describe it from your perspective. Let the emotion go.. and just type it out. It has the side effect of feeling really good. It helps me see. I have a little Drama Queen in me.. and when I see it.. I know what to do.

Now...

FG..you're great!

So here we go!!

little back story which will come into play. Started dating I was 19 he was 21. My mom died he was there, but only after me begging him to come be there...when the aftermath blew threw he picked me up when I fell. time passes. I go thru school to become an RN, he is my cheerleader and my rock. then my dad gets sick. had rocky points through out relationship; went on a canoe trip found him in a tent with my friend. Eventually worked thru that down fall. my dad diagnosed terminal, i decided i needed a break from him, my cousin and one of my closest friends dies in auto accident, he comes and picks up the pieces, i told him i needed space...time to be with my dad and not think about he and i. a good friend who is male comes into the picture. nothing happened between me and OM, just somebody to talk to during a hard period in my life...during MC, this incident was repeatedly brought up. I realize H looking from outside in was hurt....but this OM, no more than a friend....H on the other hand dated a chick(from here on we will refer to her as PIA...pain in the as#!!...which she has been to me since then!!) PIA is H's SIL best friend...oh joy! Moving forward...my dad passes, H comes to services...i released all of my tears on his shoulders....held up the line for over 15 minutes crying, couldn't handle it...again he picked me up when I fell. A few days later, I stopped at his house, we talked agreed to start seeing each other again. He moved in with me at my dads house. a month or so later he purchased our house...sold dad's house...we moved into our farm...PIA thinks it's funny to call at all hours of the night, and play games for the first few months...she finally GAL...christmas we get engaged...life is good.

OCT 23 04...finally happiness in my life...i am in a church for the first time for something great...my wedding, not a funeral...like so many times before. the first year of our M, had it's moments...but it was goooood for the most part...we were happy little campers. We had our little farmstead, we were building on...i used some of my inheritance to add a pool and deck, then our next addition was a huge pole barn....H built everything.

Then 06 came, the year of hell. I started back to school full time, worked full time. H was laid off from his union job, but worked for his parents company. He was on the road constantly. He would leave on sunday or monday and would come home friday. my sis's b-day was in feb, i threw her a huge party and it was the beginning of the end so to say. H kept running off to "smoke" with other party goers...which I knew he did, he's had the habit since we first started dating....but we had friends at this party who were state troopers, and i just thought/felt every half hour...running to do that was slightly excessive...so i called him out on it...and we had a huge blow up...he walked from the party hall where the party was..to the nearest main road...at least 2 miles, where one of my cousins picked him up. It was crazy, to say the least. During this same time H's sister and BIL were going thru D, his family thought I was having A with BIL....don't think so. H's sis just emotionally cut off the whole family...BIL just needed somebody to talk to...at the time I thought I was being a friend...retrospect...shouldn't have been answering his texts or been so chatty catty with him...if it made the H uncomfortable, it probably wasn't such a good idea. Next upsetting moment is when H and our best friends were going on guy snowmobile trip...H's brother wanted smoke...knowing our friend is a trooper, he knowingly hid smoke on one of the sleds....our friend could have lost his job...it just didn't set right with me. Like I said before, I'm good with smoking a j, but time and place...it makes all the difference. On with the story....so i told you about the big pole barn, well our friend who's a trooper also paints cars for fun...spring of 06, he needed to paint a dump truck and needed somewhere big to paint it. so he used our barn. his wife and I our super close, went to school together, work together, love her like she's my sister...so she came over while he was painting, and we were drinking some beers in the shed...and some of his friends show up...well, then H calls, here's all the commotion, and I'm like yeah we're having the first party in the pole barn. Next thing I know, he hangs up on me....I'm like wtf?? So whatever, everyone goes home, 4am...here vehicle pull in the driveway and come squealing down the lane....it's H....he comes in the house...turns on every light, checks every room...wants to know who i'm screwing and where they are hiding...then he gets a hold of my cell phone...and hides it. He sees some of the texts between me and his BIL...and like i said in retrospect...wrong, wrong, wrong. There was one where I said "little dick(h's nickname...no joke) home from work gotta go" H saw that and went off the deep end....and i didn't mean anything by it. BIL sent some that yes were inappropriate...and I think I responded because I was not getting any type of attention from H...he was gone all of the time...and when he was home, I was either at work or school.

So summer came and went, with many more fights, about stupid stuff. He wanted to buy a boiler, and I didn't. He ended up using all of our savings to buy it...we fought about vacations, I wanted to go to nashville to see some friends...he didn't. So I went without him, he wanted to go up north...so he did. It just became so tiring and old. I finally finished my BSN in sept of 06, and to celebrate I went and spent a week with my aunt in TX just to think and clear my head. I knew then I needed some space from H, but wasn't set on D. I got home after driving 22 hours, at 6am on a saturday, that night, SIL was having cookout and of course PIA was going to be there....well go figure H and I get in a fight, because he was ready to go...and I was working from home, and needed to finish up some stuff, so he left without me. Needless to say, he didn't get home until 4am, I was waiting on the couch, he came in whistling and in a good mood....i just knew something was up. Sure enough, being the super snooper that I am, checked his cell phone, and PIA and him had been calling and texting each-other all night. Come to find out, she even drove him to another party. From then on, I knew we needed some time apart.

that brings me to when I left. I packed and left...done deal. He called, begged, borrowed, pleaded...the typical stuff...and it annoyed me more than anything. We went to MC, it was a jab fest...let's so who can get in the lowest blow against the other one...he still blames me for "leaving him" for OM when my dad was sick....that was huge to him. I kind of get it...but also feel that, we got married and when we decided to walk down the aisle, things from our past shouldn't haunt us anymore. So we set up another MC session...phone bill came...he had been texting/calling PIA...I went to atty...and you know where that lead.

So now that is all the back story, dirty laundry. Time to work. I was a mean angry monster. I know that my expectations of our M were out of line...I expected H to treat me as my father treated me. I wanted him to spoil me, and give me all the things I wanted...and I didn't want to give back in return. We constantly fought about money/finances and my unwillingness to see things any other way but my own. We fought over the dogs, I wanted them inside, he wanted them outside.

FG, I know/realize..what I have to do. Believe me a year and a half on my own, it's made me wake up and see some serious light!! I'm just not sure where H is, in his journey. I know PIA floats in and out of the picture and I'm not sure how that reflects on our sitch, if at all. I know/feel if he really wanted D...he still has atty on retainer...why not move forward? He said in one of our talks last year multiple things...a) i've left him before i will do it again b) he's never been good enough for me c) i've changed and think i'm better than everyone else d) his family thinks/encourages him to not work on M e) brother fell off roof in the fall(07) H wished it would have been him...he had nothing to really live for.."no wife, no kids...it should have been me"

Like I said my mean angry monster days are long gone. I know it would/it will take time for him to see that...but how can he see when he won't give me the chance? We both made mistakes, i'm well aware of mine, and am more than willing to admit them, and change where change needs to be made.

I'm ready to "do work" FG...just need to figure out what H needs/wants/is looking for???

there's my story...?'s...just ask!

Had a coaching session today...tired of being stuck in the rut. She said/feels he and I feed off of each other's negativity, I am not consistent with my actions. One time I wave when he drives by, next time I don't....she states he needs to see me being consistent. So this is new goal...consistency!! She agrees I have been at this long enough, it is ok to shake the boat a little. We re-visited the apology to the parents, then she asked if I had ever apologized to him. I said i've apologized to him numerous times. She asked me to tell her how I said it, "H, I'm sorry for what I did, and for being a mean angry monster, I can apologize and apologize but nothing will take back what I have done, I can not change the past, all I can say is I'm sorry." She said that wasn't much of an apology...so next goal...working on an apology letter to him. Which I have just about completed. she said be brief to the point, make specific references, etc....and to have no expectations. Do it, knowing it is the right thing to do.

we shall see!
christa

You are next on my list... I was just reading when you posted.. give me 30mins/1 hour.. My D is dog siting and I am waiting on them to show up. Soon as that is done..

thx FG...bet you enjoyed the saga!! LOL $\:D$

Off we go...

"Started dating I was 19 he was 21. My mom died he was there, but only after me begging him to come be there...when the aftermath blew threw he picked me up when I fell. time passes. I go thru school to become an RN, he is my cheerleader and my rock. then my dad gets sick. had rocky points through out relationship; went on a canoe trip found him in a tent with my friend."

Now it seems silly.. but this just points out.. when things get tuff.. you both retreat. It makes more sense now.

"Eventually worked thru that down fall. my dad diagnosed terminal, i decided i needed a break from him, my cousin and one of my closest friends dies in auto accident, he comes and picks up the pieces, i told him i needed space...time to be with my dad and not think about he and i. a good friend who is male comes into the picture. nothing happened between me and OM, just somebody to talk to during a hard period in my life...during MC, this incident was repeatedly brought up. "

Honestly.. with what you wrote before all this.. I knew there was something more. I see you retreating.. then OM pops up. To a DAM that = cheater. He even thought enough about it to bring it up in C. I can see some "I caught you in the tent" in this too. So what we learn from this.. is both of you retreat. Remember that. I think it factors in alot.

"just somebody to talk to during a hard period in my life...during MC, this incident was repeatedly brought up. I realize H looking from outside in was hurt....but this OM, no more than a friend....H on the other hand dated a chick(from here on we will refer to her as PIA...pain in the as#!!...which she has been to me since then!!) PIA is H's SIL best friend...oh joy!"

1st big point. Neither of you really understand the hurt you have inflicted on each other. If you really want to get technical.. you guys were stuck along time ago.

"Moving forward...my dad passes, H comes to services...i released all of my tears on his shoulders....held up the line for over 15 minutes crying, couldn't handle it...again he picked me up when I fell."

I am hearing a lot of.. someone falls.. someone picks up the pieces.

"A few days later, I stopped at his house, we talked agreed to start seeing each other again. He moved in with me at my dads house. a month or so later he purchased our house...sold dad's house...we moved into our farm...PIA thinks it's funny to call at all hours of the night, and play games for the first few months...she finally GAL...christmas we get engaged...life is good."

Now.. I had a shotgun wedding. Life was good.. but far from perfect. Look me and you both started our R on the wrong foot. The problem that is keeping you apart.. is the same one that has always been there. Now.. I said you were next on my list.. I had not read anything.. I am giving you a blow by blow right here.

"OCT 23 04...finally happiness in my life...i am in a church for the first time for something great...my wedding, not a funeral...like so many times before. the first year of our M, had it's moments...but it was goooood for the most part...we were happy little campers. We had our little farmstead, we were building on...i used some of my inheritance to add a pool and deck, then our next addition was a huge pole barn....H built everything."

You say alot with this. The high points are.. you had a bit of a release. He was working for what he was told he should do.

"Then 06 came, the year of hell. I started back to school full time, worked full time. H was laid off from his union job, but worked for his parents company. He was on the road constantly. He would leave on sunday or monday and would come home friday."

Ok.. Distance=Drama. You have to look at where you came from in order to see it. R have a starting point. Typically we push them into the form of a circle. Round and round. The good stuff.. is where the circle starts.. the bad stuff points us right back at that point. If you laid it out on a chart.. there would be high points.. followed by low points.. then a high point.. on and on. DB'ing is about lining up the points to something flat. Flat.. is good. Hence be consistent. Now.. be consistent.. with what works.

"Then 06 came, the year of hell. I started back to school full time, worked full time. H was laid off from his union job, but worked for his parents company. He was on the road constantly. He would leave on sunday or monday and would come home friday. my sis's b-day was in feb, i threw her a huge party and it was the beginning of the end so to say. H kept running off to "smoke" with other party goers...which I knew he did, he's had the habit since we first started dating....but we had friends at this party who were state troopers, and i just thought/felt every half hour...running to do that was slightly excessive...so i called him out on it...and we had a huge blow up...he walked from the party hall where the party was..to the nearest main road...at least 2 miles, where one of my cousins picked him up. It was crazy, to say the least. During this same time H's sister and BIL were going thru D, his family thought I was having A with BIL....don't think so. H's sis just emotionally cut off the whole family...BIL just needed somebody to talk to...at the time I thought I was being a friend...retrospect...shouldn't have been answering his texts or been so chatty catty with him...if it made the H uncomfortable, it probably wasn't such a good idea. Next upsetting moment is when H and our best friends were going on guy snowmobile trip...H's brother wanted smoke...knowing our friend is a trooper, he knowingly hid smoke on one of the sleds....our friend could have lost his job...it just didn't set right with me. Like I said before, I'm good with smoking a j, but time and place...it makes all the difference."

I could spin this.. till next week. You did not want him to do it.. he wanted to. Neither of you were right. You got it right in that this is where everything changed.

"On with the story....so i told you about the big pole barn, well our friend who's a trooper also paints cars for fun...spring of 06, he needed to paint a dump truck and needed somewhere big to paint it. so he used our barn. his wife and I our super close, went to school together, work together, love her like she's my sister...so she came over while he was painting, and we were drinking some beers in the shed...and some of his friends show up...well, then H calls, here's all the commotion, and I'm like yeah we're having the first party in the pole barn. Next thing I know, he hangs up on me....I'm like wtf?? So whatever, everyone goes home, 4am...here vehicle pull in the driveway and come squealing down the lane....it's H....he comes in the house...turns on every light, checks every room...wants to know who i'm screwing and where they are hiding...then he gets a hold of my cell phone...and hides it. He sees some of the texts between me and his BIL...and like i said in retrospect...wrong, wrong, wrong. There was one where I said "little dick(h's nickname...no joke) home from work gotta go" H saw that and went off the deep end....and i didn't mean anything by it. BIL sent some that yes were inappropriate...and I think I responded because I was not getting any type of attention from H...he was gone all of the time...and when he was home, I was either at work or school."

This is just the "crap" that gets out of control.

"So summer came and went, with many more fights, about stupid stuff. He wanted to buy a boiler, and I didn't. He ended up using all of our savings to buy it...we fought about vacations, I wanted to go to nashville to see some friends...he didn't. So I went without him, he wanted to go up north...so he did. It just became so tiring and old. I finally finished my BSN in sept of 06, and to celebrate I went and spent a week with my aunt in TX just to think and clear my head. I knew then I needed some space from H, but wasn't set on D. I got home after driving 22 hours, at 6am on a saturday, that night, SIL was having cookout and of course PIA was going to be there....well go figure H and I get in a fight, because he was ready to go...and I was working from home, and needed to finish up some stuff, so he left without me. Needless to say, he didn't get home until 4am, I was waiting on the couch, he came in whistling and in a good mood....i just knew something was up. Sure enough, being the super snooper that I am, checked his cell phone, and PIA and him had been calling and texting each-other all night. Come to find out, she even drove him to another party. From then on, I knew we needed some time apart."

Distance=Drama

"that brings me to when I left. I packed and left...done deal. He called, begged, borrowed, pleaded...the typical stuff...and it annoyed me more than anything. We went to MC, it was a jab fest...let's so who can get in the lowest blow against the other one...he still blames me for "leaving him" for OM when my dad was sick....that was huge to him. I kind of get it...but also feel that, we got married and when we decided to walk down the aisle, things from our past shouldn't haunt us anymore. So we set up another MC session...phone bill came...he had been texting/calling PIA...I went to atty...and you know where that lead."

People can let go of the past. They will bring it up when they feel attacked. DAM.. will focus on the high points. See what you did.. I saw you doing X. Cheater.

"I wanted him to spoil me, and give me all the things I wanted...and I didn't want to give back in return."

I was going to ask.. what did you give? What did you do to bring that out?

"I'm just not sure where H is, in his journey."

Simple answer.. right were you left him. You have come to see.. it was about you. He likely.. has not. He still thinks it is all about what you did. From a DAM.. he may be right. From me.. you both are still wrong.

"I know/feel if he really wanted D...he still has atty on retainer...why not move forward? He said in one of our talks last year multiple things...a) i've left him before i will do it again b) he's never been good enough for me c) i've changed and think i'm better than everyone else d) his family thinks/encourages him to not work on M e) brother fell off roof in the fall(07) H wished it would have been him...he had nothing to really live for.."no wife, no kids...it should have been me"

Come on.. you can't see the thought process here?

"I'm ready to "do work" FG...just need to figure out what H needs/wants/is looking for???"

Its time to push. I gotta think about how to.

This is gonna be hard.. I am trying to think of a way to get his interest up.

Gimme some time.
----------------------------------
Small town. Waving in the Truck. Texting works sometimes. Distance=Drama.

That was just notes to me.

Sorry I am late..

I just need to think a bit.

thanks FG...i like your thought processes....

i am working on the apology.

where you asked can you see his thought processes here? Are you thinking wounded ego, self esteem?? or because we keep going thru this vicious cycle?? And he's waiting for me to pick the pieces up, he picks me when i fall, i pick him up when he falls...it's my turn to pick him up??

thanks
happy 4th $\:\)$
christa

"i am working on the apology."

There is nothing you could say to make this better. Actions are going to be more effective.

"where you asked can you see his thought processes here? Are you thinking wounded ego, self esteem?? or because we keep going thru this vicious cycle?? And he's waiting for me to pick the pieces up, he picks me when i fall, i pick him up when he falls...it's my turn to pick him up??"

For him yes.. you are picking up the pieces. For you.. we are starting over. That is what makes this hard.

Lets do this.. when you wake up tomorrow.. text him.. Good morning. Don't respond.

What time zone are you..

central...i am waking up at 545...he will freaky deak on that one $\:\)$

i'm in the middle of a cornfield...in abe lincoln's home town $\:\)$

OK.. just a Good Morning.. at the right time.

You know him.. I trust your judgment.

i will send it early...doubt he will reply anyway...what if he does? or should i say happy 4th?

Nope.. No response from you. Good Morning.. Is all that needs to be said.

k, thanks!!

Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump

"i am working on the apology."

There is nothing you could say to make this better. Actions are going to be more effective.

I never really apologized for anything during the time i was with him...I don't think anyone in his life has apologized for doing wrong things to him. i can't help but wonder if this "action" would be effective...and speak mountains to him...show him, that i'm not too proud to say that i'm sorry and know that what I did was childish and immature, and acting out of those behaviors?

Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump

For him yes.. you are picking up the pieces. For you.. we are starting over. That is what makes this hard.

Starting over from what point...the beginning, where i walked out, now?

Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump

What time zone are you..

why the ? about the time zone? what time zone r u?

I guess the nurse in me, has to have all the pieces of the puzzle make sense. Each body system feeds off of the other...kidneys shut down, effects the heart, which in turn effects the lungs...etc etc etc....i need all of this to make sense...i'm ocd about it, it's the one thing i can not control, i am well aware of that...but it is the one thing in my life that is out of control!! if that makes sense?? i'm rambling..tired, can't sleep...time is ticking, alarm is going to go off in 5 hours..yuck!

happy 4th to all
i will be wiping sick people's tushys all day!
thanks FG! I will buy you a box of chocolates!!
christa

Ok FG I sent the good morning text! I guess now its sit bak watch wait n monitor results! I'm drivng 2 work n writing u via my blachberry!! LOL!! Happy 4th!!

I am EST.

Let the text just sit.. don't answer.

I am going to be with the family today.. but I am thinking about this.. I should have some free time tomorrow night.

I think we are just starting over the more I think about it.. the more it pushes me that way.

You have a good 4th also.

Ok FG he replied...he wantd 2 no who the text was meant 4!! I guess he thot I sent it 2 him by mistake...don't no if that is good or bad...but it got a reaction I do suppose!! Enjoy your day with the family! I'm ready 2 start..2 DO WORK...I haven't waited this long 2 give it all up...so let's get started my friend:)

Thank u
Christa

"Ok FG he replied...he wantd 2 no who the text was meant 4!!"

So we can take from that he was not expecting it. Now.. you used !! after the last statement.. So.. did he call and ask or text back and ask?

"I guess he thot I sent it 2 him by mistake...don't no if that is good or bad...but it got a reaction I do suppose!!"

Well it was beyond your expectations. Is it the exact thing we were looking for.. maybe.

Now I don't like texting.. its ok.. but you can get so much more done talking to the other person. I use text just to send little bits of info.. my wife likes to talk out the whole day.

How we can use this hopefully is to get him to call. Right now we are just testing and seeing what he responds to.

If I had texted you with that.. and you responded with "who was that for?" I might had said something like.. "You just popped into my mind.. so I said Good Morning."

The general idea is to get him to call you.. or start texting you without you doing it first..

This can factor in at any time. If you are at work and bored.. just send a text that says "God I am bored". The idea is the texts will be centered around non descript stuff.. while leaving the door open for communication from him. Does that make sense? Kinda like something you would send to a girlfriend. Just "Hey whats up type stuff."

Now.. you will need to pay attention to what comes back. We don't want to irritate him.. so if the response's seem that way don't respond. If you are not sure.. post them up.. you will get the hang of it.

Now if things go well and he calls.. again keep things light and make sure you sound happy. I always tell people to smile when they are talking.. it does work. Just simple things centered around the text that brought about the call. If you are busy and can't answer.. let it go to VM.. make sure to call back. When you call back tell him right away.. Sorry I was doing X. And linger for a second. Use your words.. just I guess my thought process.

Something like..

You: Sorry I was in the middle of changing a bed pan. (pause)

1 of two things is going to happen.. silence.. or he will talk.

If you get silence.. then you say.. I saw you called and was just calling back. Whats up with you?

Questions are a good way to talk to someone. It allows you to control where you are going. Again.. use your words.. you just gotta think on your feet.

You do this with the people you talk to on a regular basis.. you just have to learn to apply it to him.

So.. on that note.. lets fire some random texts and see what happens. Keep them reasonable and keep them within a time frame that does not intrude on sleeping, dinner, work. You kinda know his schedule.. so you should be able to fit things in. Now a drawback to this.. could be you might find out he has "someone". This "pushing" can have a bad side. For me.. It has more good in it than bad. If you think we need to modify anything.. let me know.

Remember these are ideas.. and I want you to think on your own to. Don't treat him like the H you left. Treat him as the guy you just met.. that your not sure is really interested.

Starting over is just that.. you go at it from the aspect of you are starting over. You have a clean slate.. he has a clean slate.

FG...I think I am getting what you are saying for the most part!

I tried to apply the principles today. Driving home from work, saw our old boat in the taco bell parking lot right by my house. pulled in gas station to get gas and smokes and curious who H was with...of course he was with PIA! None the less, After fueling up and getting smokes...I left...he was pulling out..he went by fast I think he waved...they were in seperate vehicles...so i figured what the heck...called friendly...up beat cheery...it went to vm, just said, it must be nice to spend the day on the lake drinking beer, while some of us have to wipe tooshies all day!! hope you enjoyed the awesome weather!

i want to be very careful, he gets annoyed very easily...so i am done texting/calling for a while. oh, and he text messaged me back...he doesn't believe in calling!

thoughts about the apology? Here is my idea...no more contact from me for a week or so...then mail it, wait another week or so, then start in on our plans...i'm scared if we start anything, then i try to apologize he may feel as if i am manipulating the situation.

Forrest, I have watched both my parents die right before my eyes...the hardest thing i have ever done, is to watch the man i love more than life itself...walk out of a taco bell with another woman...that being said i am ready to get this right...i am ready to do work and fight to save my R/M.

thank you
christa

"of course he was with PIA!"

Sorry bear with me.. who is PIA.

"it must be nice to spend the day on the lake drinking beer, while some of us have to wipe tooshies all day!! hope you enjoyed the awesome weather!"

Not so much nice and cheery here. Trust me.. I resemble a DAM. See I would have said something like... "Hey.. nice boat you got there."

"i want to be very careful, he gets annoyed very easily"

If this is a indication of what he hears.. I can see why.

Seriously.. I am going to talk to you straight. I am not attacking you or putting you down. Guy talk.. is just like that. Don't take what I say.. as hurtful.. Just to let you know.. I feel the frustration in your last post. It's OK. This will take a second to learn.

"so i am done texting/calling for a while."

Stick to the plan. You are gonna screw it up. I built that in. So we are OK.

"and he text messaged me back...he doesn't believe in calling!"

Now I am assuming that was on the Good Morning test?

Did you respond?

"thoughts about the apology?"

Yes.. Now is not the time.

"Here is my idea...no more contact from me for a week or so...then mail it, wait another week or so, then start in on our plans...i'm scared if we start anything, then i try to apologize he may feel as if i am manipulating the situation."

You just told me.. you are out of your comfort zone. We are onto something. Trust me.. you follow the directions.. you will be no worse off than you are now. No.. on your idea. IMHO.

"Forrest, I have watched both my parents die right before my eyes...the hardest thing i have ever done, is to watch the man i love more than life itself...walk out of a taco bell with another woman"

Driving separately. If I had a truck.. and she was all that. She would be riding *****. If I had her around for fun time on the boat.. she would be following me around.

I kinda gather.. he may be with somebody. If she was that important.. you would be divorced.

I'm serious.. straight talk now. I won't hold back on you.. I expect the same!

$\:\)$

Now..

FG...i am hurt u forgot who PIA is...here is excerpt from prior conversation!! (note sarcasm here)

(.H on the other hand dated a chick(from here on we will refer to her as PIA...pain in the as#!!...which she has been to me since then!!) PIA is H's SIL best friend...oh joy!" )

I already knew he had a nice boat...we/he had since we were dating...it was our first toy as a dating couple...he was in a friends vehicle and recognized the boat in a parking lot! Bare with the chick who is sleep deprived, and has one more 12 hour shift of as# wiping and waitressing to do!!(sarcasm again noted here!)

yes he text msgd me back about the good morning text i sent...no i stuck to plan...didn't text him back!!

never worry please...if you only knew me...not easily offended at all...seriously!! I have been yelled, screamed, cussed, told off, call nurse hatchett...really takes a lot to get to me....so if it is in my benefit...i am game!! $\:\)$

ok...it's straight up! and i promise as bad as i really want to...i want go slash any tires...or at least not tonight...oh, i hate 3 12's in a row!

sorry couldn't get back with you earlier today...work kicked my arss!

will hold off on the apology...will await for you coach FG to put a next move into play...

christa

"FG...i am hurt u forgot who PIA is...here is excerpt from prior conversation!!"

I understand you are hurt that I forgot. Please forgive me. I will work to never disappoint you again.

"yes he text msgd me back about the good morning text i sent...no i stuck to plan...didn't text him back!!"

Good. Stick with the plan. You can respond.. after the Good Morning tomorrow. I am sure I wrote down what to do.

ok just clearing things up......and no i'm really not a ditz...promise...text him tomorrow...good morning?

"text him tomorrow...good morning?"

Yes

The good morning did not get a reaction...unless PIA was there n deleted the msg?? That wouldn't surprise me..but I'm also not psychic,he may have gotten it and thinks I'm chasing after months of being "dormant" and doesn't know what the hell 2 think. Bak 2 work I go 4 mor hours...I'm dead tired! And my mind isn't on work at all!

Just be consistant with the messages. All we are trying to do is get afeel for where he is. We want him to call so you can indicate you have been thinking about him. This is just a kicking off point. Again keep the messages simple. Like you are texting me. Nothing to personal just hey whats up type stuff.

Like this....

Good Night... Christa. Hope your day was great.

FG, so after the time I have done typical DB stuff, do you think, now since I know he is for sure with PIA...and he knows I know...verified i am sure, since I saw them at the taco bell...he is going to think i am pursuing because of her...or does it matter?

this is new thinking...FG thinking..out of the box from where i have been for the past long while...so bear with me.

how much is too much...if i called last night, text this morning, and no reactions from either??

"he is going to think i am pursuing because of her...or does it matter?"

It does not matter.

#1 We are not perusing.

#2 If she was that important to him I have to expect you would have papers now.

"how much is too much...if i called last night, text this morning, and no reactions from either??"

As DB says.. when you get a negative reaction.. back up a little bit. No response is not negative.

There is a fine line between perusing and showing someone you care. In your case.. it may be OK to pursue some.. I would like to see you stick a little closer to someone who cares.

Continuing on with text examples..

LOL.. I just drove by a Hospital and thought about you. Have a good day.

Thanks FG, I guess i am just scared that no matter what I do it's the wrong thing...

I think todays text will be after he gets off work and be hope you had a good day!

This past year has just been so up and down...I just don't know where he is at with us....and it scares me to death

I agree if she/or anyone were important in his life, he would be talking with his atty...and i would have heard from mine

i think she is just available when he needs a fix

how is no response not a negative response...it makes me feel as if it is a negative response

what I don't get is why he seeing PIA again, last time he left her because she put a cigarette out on his...she's a nut case...but i guess that is good for me....

what kind of work do you do? besides being part time therapists to crazy insecure people like me? $\:\)$

hope your day went swell FG

christa

"i think she is just available when he needs a fix"

Isn't that what DAM do?

"how is no response not a negative response...it makes me feel as if it is a negative response"

You have not responded to either of mine to you. It is the perception of the messenger.. If you think its negative.. it will be. My take is.. it is only negative when he responds negatively. Even at that point I am gonna keep doing it.. until I am really sure.. its not working.

"what I don't get is why he seeing PIA again, last time he left her because she put a cigarette out on his...she's a nut case...but i guess that is good for me...."

So.. Are you better than the "Nut Case" or not? Make sure you are!! You should not have to work too hard.

"what kind of work do you do?"

I am in the TV Broadcasting biz. I am a IT/Broadcast Engineer. Lets just say I maintain a bunch of computers.. and users. I am a "fixer" at heart. You could say I DB stuff all day long.

Is it Lunch Time yet..

i'm hungry so yes it's lunch time! i'm either eating a horseshoe or mexican!

a horseshoe...central IL fair, toast,a hamburger, french fries, stacked then covered with cheese sauce..the cheese sauce makes or breaks the shoe

it keeps me, the cardiologists, and the surgeons I work with all in business...we call "shoes" heart attacks on a plate!

LOL, now when I watch TV, I will be thinking of you $\:\)$

Watch any TV today?

FG, so I sent the text "hope you had a good day" he immediately responded "no, I had a sh#t day" so I responded, "sorry to hear that, what happened"....now nothing? I think, I should have been simpler...like that sucks...or just sorry to hear you had a crap day.

At least it gives me a great idea for tomorrow...hope today is better!

thanks for all of your encouragement and support...it means a lot, and for checking in on me so frequently...you're giving me hope $\:\)$ and helping me find hope in hopeless again

christa

TV? I love TV! Crime drama...law and order type stuff

It is unbearably hot and humid here

"so I responded, "sorry to hear that, what happened"....now nothing? I think, I should have been simpler...like that sucks...or just sorry to hear you had a crap day. "

Yes. simple and to the point. Now what you said was not bad.. you asked a question when you ended the txt. As long as you know what the responses can be it is easier to deal with. He can .. not respond.. or answer the question..

Be Coy.. flirtatious.

Like this...

ME: LOL.. I just drove by a Hospital and thought about you. Have a good day.

You: LOL, now when I watch TV, I will be thinking of you.

Me: Watch any TV today?

You: Yes.

Me: Good. I just wanted to make sure you were thinking about me.

You: It is unbearably hot and humid here.

Me: A boat ride would be nice!

or

Me: I remember being unbearably hot and humid.

Simple, playful, funny, don't give too much info. Don't request too much info.

You may want to think about a new thread.. they should have locked this one.. long ago.

Good Night.. and sweet dreams.

"they" don't watch this section near as close as some of the other forums...IMHO!! I thought it would have locked a while back as well.

i think i will fire off a text in a bit, good night, sleep well, hope tomorrow is better:)

my yard needs cut...I DESPISE cutting grass!! $\:D$

can't say good night yet...it's not bedtime!! LOL $\:D$

one of my patients asked me if I was the candy striper :P