How to Question - 10/20/03 11:28 PM
Can someone explain what validating your Spouse's feelings means and how to go about doing it?
Quote:
Validating someone's feelings can only be done unconditionally. When you validate your wife's feelings you have to set aside what you believe for that moment and then some. Otherwise you're not validating.
Whether validating or showing them "they done good" you have to do it with sincerity. Otherwise it comes across as manipulation. And she's likely to spot the difference.
Why is it important to you for her to ask how you are doing? That suggests that you're a little caught up in yourself. This isn't the time to make things "about you". You need to make this about her. You have to show her that you have compassion and that you cherish her. That you place her above yourself. You have to let your actions speak for themselves. Words won't cut it with her. To her your words are simply more of the same old, same old. You need to change 'you'. And frankly, 'you' are the only one 'you' can control. You have no control over her whatsoever.
As to your comments about listening, being mysterious, unconditional love, etc., I suspect, as someone has already said, she's just pushing your buttons to validate to herself that the decision she's made to end your R was the right one. You need to avoid those interactions along with old relationship discussions. Walk away from them.
Yup... a lot of patience is required. You need to 'make time your friend' dragon.
Don't let her remarks about the boys get you down. Just "dodge" her comments and focus on changing yourself into the person she fell in love with. BUT, you have to do that not for her but for yourself. If you're happy with the person you are now then no matter how much you do it's not likely to come across as genuine. WASs intuitively know the difference between what's real and what's not. Making changes for yourself, that give you happiness, is pretty hard for her to dismiss and looks very attractive to WASs.