Married couple from Scandinavia - 05/05/19 12:45 PM
I´ve read so many books, so many forums, so many online pages.
Just like many here, this came suddenly for me. I was traveling for business purposes early February. Since we got married recently we had planned for her to get pregnant in February, or at least start trying then. When I came home, things felt off. She was distant, did not want affection etc etc. At the time I didn´t know anything about MLC, like nothing other than people being depressed about getting old. I had no idea it affected those close by and certainly not what a nightmare it could be.
When I first talked to her about it, it came out terribly wrong. I almost had a panic attack when I realized things were different. See, we have always been affectionate with each other. We loved being with each other at all times and we rarely argue(even now we don´t argue). The first thing she did during that talk was to list things that had annoyed her about me, how I was negative towards others and their ideas. I didn´t disagree, I thanked her for being honest and said I need to work on that. Later that evening I realize that doesn´t explain her lack of affection of course.
So I start searching for information online but I don´t even know where to start. On Feb 23 I decided I need to ask what is going on. She said she doesn´t know why she is feeling this way but she thinks it will go over on its own. She just needs time and space. So that´s what I gave her. I decided to just be a fun guy to be around although I slipped a few times when my emotions got the best of me
It took me a good month and a half before I stumbled upong pages on MLC. During this time I did everything you´re not supposed to do. I tried to have several relationship talks, she listened but still didn´t change her behaviour(of course).
From late February to early April was the worst period for me(so far). I didn´t have the tools yet to control my emotions but I still kept it cool around her(mostly). She started hanging out with younger friends, going out to nightclubs, bars and restaurants, coming home at 3-4 am several weekends in a row. I did my best to keep it cool until I read for the first time that infidelity is very common during MLC. That crushed me even though I had yet to see any signs of that. Then I started noticing things. She started following her ex on Instagram. Normally I wouldn´t care about that but the timing of it all worried me. Then I noticed on a few occasions that she archived all the photos of me and her on her instagram page. I didn´t understand it at first since I didn´t know you could do that. I noticed the pictures were gone but the next day they were back again. Next weekend, the same thing happened so on the Sunday while I was traveling, I messaged her about it and asked why she had deleted our wedding photos. Her response was that she hadn´t removed them. Then she said she was trying an app that rearranges photos but it didn´t work and that I should update the page again. I did and sure enough they were back. Now the thing is, there is no such app. And if there was, why would it only affect the photos of me and her...
Anyway, since then so much has happened. She agreed to go to couples therapy and she seems happy about going there, almost looking forward to it, as do I. We are seeing a Imago therapy counselor who is very good at understanding her it seems. So really, while we are at home together - everything is fine between us and has been for weeks now. I´m not sure it will last of course but there´s been no hate between us at all since this started.
A few things worth knowing -
- I have been working out twice a day since the moment I felt something was off in February. I can see my abs now for the first time in my life. She doesn´t know that of course since she hasn´t seen me naked since this started.
- I was doing well for myself financially before all this started but coincidentally, my business took off around the same time this started so I can now consider myself a wealthy person. I´ve upgraded everything in our house, all furniture etc. Yes, in the back of my mind, I am doing this to make her feel what she would be losing if she left. Is that a bad idea?
- I made sure to sign a prenup before we got married. If she leaves, she leaves with absolutely nothing and could not afford anywhere near the lifestyle she has today. I´m worried about this since I certainly don´t want her to stay in this relationship because she has no other choice.
- She tells the counselor that she wants to make this work and she has been adamant about that from the start, that we shouldn´t jump to conclusions and that we have been together for 9 years - we can´t just let go like that. She also told him that she doesn´t trust that her feelings about having second thoughts about the marriage are real. She is afraid that if she ends the relationship she´ll realize that that´s not at all what she wanted. But besides that so much fits in with the MLC description. She said it all started with thoughts of having a baby, "is this it, the end??" and she often felt the desire to be "let loose".
But despite all this, we still aren´t intimate with each other. We haven´t had sex since January. Is it normal that couples have sex at when one spouse is having a MLC? I haven´t read anything on that anywhere?
What do you make of all this? I am prepared for the worst, that this could take years from now. At times, I feel like giving up. And what about sex? She is worth waiting for but am I as LBS supposed to accept the fact that I can´t have sex for years to come?
Just like many here, this came suddenly for me. I was traveling for business purposes early February. Since we got married recently we had planned for her to get pregnant in February, or at least start trying then. When I came home, things felt off. She was distant, did not want affection etc etc. At the time I didn´t know anything about MLC, like nothing other than people being depressed about getting old. I had no idea it affected those close by and certainly not what a nightmare it could be.
When I first talked to her about it, it came out terribly wrong. I almost had a panic attack when I realized things were different. See, we have always been affectionate with each other. We loved being with each other at all times and we rarely argue(even now we don´t argue). The first thing she did during that talk was to list things that had annoyed her about me, how I was negative towards others and their ideas. I didn´t disagree, I thanked her for being honest and said I need to work on that. Later that evening I realize that doesn´t explain her lack of affection of course.
So I start searching for information online but I don´t even know where to start. On Feb 23 I decided I need to ask what is going on. She said she doesn´t know why she is feeling this way but she thinks it will go over on its own. She just needs time and space. So that´s what I gave her. I decided to just be a fun guy to be around although I slipped a few times when my emotions got the best of me
It took me a good month and a half before I stumbled upong pages on MLC. During this time I did everything you´re not supposed to do. I tried to have several relationship talks, she listened but still didn´t change her behaviour(of course).
From late February to early April was the worst period for me(so far). I didn´t have the tools yet to control my emotions but I still kept it cool around her(mostly). She started hanging out with younger friends, going out to nightclubs, bars and restaurants, coming home at 3-4 am several weekends in a row. I did my best to keep it cool until I read for the first time that infidelity is very common during MLC. That crushed me even though I had yet to see any signs of that. Then I started noticing things. She started following her ex on Instagram. Normally I wouldn´t care about that but the timing of it all worried me. Then I noticed on a few occasions that she archived all the photos of me and her on her instagram page. I didn´t understand it at first since I didn´t know you could do that. I noticed the pictures were gone but the next day they were back again. Next weekend, the same thing happened so on the Sunday while I was traveling, I messaged her about it and asked why she had deleted our wedding photos. Her response was that she hadn´t removed them. Then she said she was trying an app that rearranges photos but it didn´t work and that I should update the page again. I did and sure enough they were back. Now the thing is, there is no such app. And if there was, why would it only affect the photos of me and her...
Anyway, since then so much has happened. She agreed to go to couples therapy and she seems happy about going there, almost looking forward to it, as do I. We are seeing a Imago therapy counselor who is very good at understanding her it seems. So really, while we are at home together - everything is fine between us and has been for weeks now. I´m not sure it will last of course but there´s been no hate between us at all since this started.
A few things worth knowing -
- I have been working out twice a day since the moment I felt something was off in February. I can see my abs now for the first time in my life. She doesn´t know that of course since she hasn´t seen me naked since this started.
- I was doing well for myself financially before all this started but coincidentally, my business took off around the same time this started so I can now consider myself a wealthy person. I´ve upgraded everything in our house, all furniture etc. Yes, in the back of my mind, I am doing this to make her feel what she would be losing if she left. Is that a bad idea?
- I made sure to sign a prenup before we got married. If she leaves, she leaves with absolutely nothing and could not afford anywhere near the lifestyle she has today. I´m worried about this since I certainly don´t want her to stay in this relationship because she has no other choice.
- She tells the counselor that she wants to make this work and she has been adamant about that from the start, that we shouldn´t jump to conclusions and that we have been together for 9 years - we can´t just let go like that. She also told him that she doesn´t trust that her feelings about having second thoughts about the marriage are real. She is afraid that if she ends the relationship she´ll realize that that´s not at all what she wanted. But besides that so much fits in with the MLC description. She said it all started with thoughts of having a baby, "is this it, the end??" and she often felt the desire to be "let loose".
But despite all this, we still aren´t intimate with each other. We haven´t had sex since January. Is it normal that couples have sex at when one spouse is having a MLC? I haven´t read anything on that anywhere?
What do you make of all this? I am prepared for the worst, that this could take years from now. At times, I feel like giving up. And what about sex? She is worth waiting for but am I as LBS supposed to accept the fact that I can´t have sex for years to come?
That can’t happen. No matter how much you want it. See how your mind hears the word can’t.