Hi guys. I have been lurking and mostly posting on my friend's. i have really and truly working on me. Working on detaching. Some of it I've done real well and others not.
But the last couple of days I've had a change in my head. I still love him, really I do, but I am dropping the rope. I need to take care of me and try not to concern myself majorly with how messed up his head it.
I have to give a lot of credit to the Divorce Care Group that I've been attending, to my faith, and to my friends. I still believe in DB, but it has more than anything supported my other avenues of support.
This morning I could not sleep (as usual- have not slept well in 5 months.) I woke at 2 am and was still awake at 4:30 am. I sat up in bed at that point and sent my H a text. It said, "I have spent my last sleepless night in a strange place. I am coming home. I am coming home to where I belong."
He didn't get the message at that point because he was asleep. He was still asleep when I got home and crawled into bed with him. I curled up to him and fell fast asleep. I didn't wake up until 7:30 in the morning, long after he'd gone to work.
Oh yeah, I can hear you all now just warming up the 2x4's. But you do not understand. I am home because I want to be home. At this point if he decides to leave I am in my home. I could not exist at my friends any longer. I miss my dog, my house, my space.
YES I missed him, but at this point he can do what he likes. If he decides to go and give up on us it will be his doing. I am doing what I am FOR ME.
Interesting side note> I signed up for a trial membership to match.com. I don't want to meet anyone, just wanted to look. It did make me feel good that 9 people winked at me in one night. Nice to know that somebody looked. Also nice to know that there is a pool of people that aren't half bad to look at.
hiya kjo..
not a 2x4..just a be careful with the match.com stuff.
and a thought....
if your H moves out, will you have trouble sleeping again? I'm just curious.....
you know i love ya babe....
stay strong girlie...
(((Neil))) I might have trouble sleeping, but they have a pill for that. :-)
The match.com stuff was curiosity only. I don't even want to meet anyone for coffee.
I am stronger now than ever.
Hi Wifey.. long time no see......
Look, I applaud you for moving back in. I believe they should leave if that is their choice anyways.
I don't necessarily think it is dropping the rope, sounds to me like your simply tired and making decisions for you, nothing wrong with that. Did he say anything about you being there?????
The match.com thing.......I will keep this simple, don't even look. You have all the time in the world to look when and if that time comes. For now, today, there is no greener grass anywhere else ok?
I'm glad you posted sweets, I have actually been wondering about ya.....
Ian
Hi, Wifey.
Good for you on moving back in. I too think they should be the ones to go if that is their choice. And I'm not even going to 2x4 you on the match.com thing. I too did that. I got several people asking for my pic, but I wasn't doing that! But, the meer act of "looking" just seemed to be a statement to myself that there is other life out there, and that made me feel a little more in control of my own destiny. I even have talked to/lightly flirted with a couple of attractive people I have met. Absolutely nothing serious, but that is something that I had never really done, given that I had been with my H since I was a teenager! It really helped my self esteem.
So, kudos to you, girl!!
I have spent my last sleepless night in a strange place. I am coming home. I am coming home to where I belong.
Wifey,
I pray for you to have the strength to continue this journey with grace and patience, and an unconditional love for your Husband.
You are very brave, and you are dealing with this problem exactly how you should, back at home where you belong.
Sending hugs........I will be praying.
Don't forget to breathe......
KJO, good to hear from you. You sound stronger. There is no one path to making this work. It's a personal journey for all of us.
Cheers
Wifey..what did your hub say, if anything this morning?
How did you sleep?
Tawnya
((((((Kelly Jo))))))
I don't think there's anything wrong with you going home. He can choose to leave, if he can't handle that. You don't have to decide for him!
I have a feeling most of us have at least looked at match.com, or similar places. Just to see what might be, if the worst happens. Maybe it isn't a great idea, but I'm not sure it is horrible, either!
(((Everybody that posted & read but didn't post)))
I love you guys!!!!!! Really, we have to have a DB get together in several places around the country so we could meet.
Journaling:
Moving home was about me. I know I felt like a fish out of water the entire two months I lived with my girlfriend. I couldn't sleep without taking something, I didn't bake for 5 months, I hadn't fed my birds since the bomb dropped and my knitting project stayed in its bag not worked on the same length of time.
I just had this overwhelming feeling of enough is enough. He still can take however long to think, to decide, to whatever, but I am not going to be away from my home while he does it. And I guess if he decides that he has to go to do it, then that is ok, too.
We had just gotten to the point that he was calling me and we were meeting for dinner. I took me so long to not call him, but once I went without calling him it got easier. Not that I didn't call at all, but it was mostly related to our son.
But I reached a point that I decided that I was too much in limbo. I made it clear in a card that he needed to let me know where his head was. It was clear that I love him dearly - but that if he didn't want me it would hurt, but I needed to know something. I also let him know that he didn't have to have everything decided, just that he needed to give me some clue where I fit in his life.
As far as coming home - he didn't say a word at first. He had left for work before I woke up the morning I came home. And man I slept really really deeply that morning. I hardly heard him get up I was so sleepy.
I met my son for dinner after work, then went to my friends to get some stuff. I stuffed my car and went home. He knew I was coming.
He hardly talked to me and acted like he was a bit in shock. He was watching a movie when I came in. I kept busy unloading my car and putting things away. When I finished I sat down and watched the movie with him.
He had grabbed his blanket and pillow to be comfortable while he watched the movie. He moved my pillows and blanket & my nightgown to the room I slept in over the summer while he was getting his blanket.
I spent some time on the phone and the computer after the movie. Then I said goodnight. I grabbed my pillows & blanket and went in our bed.
It was funny, he came down the hall when he was done watching tv, brushed his teeth, and then turned on the hallway light. He looked in the bedroom door and saw that I was in bed, sighed and then turned around and slept on the couch. I had a small chuckle to myself, because I slept in the other bedroom July until I moved out in September. I am home and I intend to sleep in my bed.
In the morning I got up at 7:30 in the morning and went on the couch with him. He didn't wake up and just curled up to me. (Many years of habit I guess.) We stayed there until 9:00.
When we woke up he was quiet, and did not say a word really until I asked him a question about something. He answered my question and acted somewhat normal.
We talked about a website I sent him a link to, for a toy hauler. It is a combination rv, toy hauler, & garage.
Then I had to leave for IC.
When I came home he wasn't here and it was fine. I was surprised that I had 2 voice mails from him. One just said call me when you can. The other one I didn't listen to at first. I didn't get the message that was left at 12:25 until after 3. I called him then and he said he was out looking at cars.
He also wanted to let me know that he had gone to work to do some things, and the guys wanted to go see a movie or something and then might have a few drinks. And if he drank he would just stay at his friends rather than try to drive.
I thanked him for letting me know and that I appreciated him doing that. He said if I tried to call later not to get worried if he didn't answer because he would probably have it on vibrate while he was with the guys. I said that was fine, that I wouldn't have a need to call since he let me know so I wouldn't worry.
I took a nap for a while. (It has been a long time since I did that! It was heavenly.) Then I went to the Turkey & Biscuits dinner at a local church. I ran into my 2 adopted grandma's. It was so great to see them. They pray for me and my sitch every day.
After the dinner I went to the store, rented a couple movies, and bought some bird seed, then came home. It is interesting that this is the first time I've filled my feeders since June. Again, the little things are most significant to me I guess.
Right now I'm doing this post, then I have to call a friend back, then I'm going to watch a movie.
Oh, another detail I forgot to add. When my husband was talking to me he also said that he needed a little bit of time to think, because our sitch had just changed drastically. I said ok, I know. I understand. I told him to have fun, but be safe tonight. I said I love you and he said I love you, too. I cheerfully said goodnight and he said I'll see you some time in the morning.
And really I was cheerful, because I had my plans set for the night. I have church in the morning. I have no expectations right now. I am just grateful to be home. My dog is here and I feel pretty good right now.
Oh, and to save on the 2x4's, I always tell him I love him and he says he loves me, too. It might not be DB, but it is not something I plan to change as long as he still tells me the same back.
Funny how a DAM can love you and still do what they do, huh? Used to hurt so much to think about, but now I can kind of look at it and shake my head a little. Not sure if its detaching or anything close, but I really am not hurting at the moment.
{{{Wifey}}}} I'm glad you are doing so well..
Enjoy your night!
Tawnya
(((((Kj)))))) you sound really really good. I am so glad you're at home doing the things you love to do. Filling your own love bucket along with the bird feeder. Good Job !!!
Hugs
{{{Wifey}}}} I'm glad you are doing so well..
Enjoy your night!
Tawnya
(((Tawnya))) Hey honey, its the first time I can say I really do feel I'm doing well. I just set the clocks back for daylight savings time and I'm about to head to bed.
You have a good night, too, my dear.
KellyJo--
Amy and I are plotting and you are, of course, invited to join us! Check this out:
http://www.history.org/christmas/SMW
(((((Kj)))))) you sound really really good. I am so glad you're at home doing the things you love to do. Filling your own love bucket along with the bird feeder. Good Job !!!
Hugs
Somehow it felt good to laugh when he didn't want to get into bed with me. He didn't have a choice about me coming home. I think he thought ok, I can deal with her staying in the other bedroom. But I didn't do that either.
He could have come to bed, no problem. But he didn't want to, no problem. I slept in the extra bedroom to give him space for over 2 months, I was at my friend's place for 2 months to give him space, now I'm home and he has to find his own space. I am sleeping in my bed.
No arguments about it, just how its going to be.
My love bucket even had chocolate brownies tonight (with an Arbor Myst blackberry merlot chaser.)
I love you Cookie! I went ahead and slayed the dragons for you - the coast is clear for your sweet Cookie dreaming.
Wifey..thanks..I did have a good night, even got to talk to hub for a few minutes..my computer was acting up so he came up to fix it and he actually told me a little about his day..it was a nice change of pace
I got a laugh about your laugh.."he's gonna have to find his own space" LOL..yes..I definitely think you get to choose where you sleep as you have been good and giving him space for a while
I'm so glad you that can actually say you are doing well..you deserve it!
Tawnya
SMW..I may have to see if I could tag along..since NC is not far from VA
Tawnya
Make sure you all go to Christiana Campbells for a toddie.
HI guys. I am going to make a quick post before I head out from work because I honestly don't know if I'm going to get a chance to do it tonight.
My h slept in the other bedroom last night. I heard a loud noise and asked if he was ok and he said he was. It turns out that he broke one of the slats the mattress was resting on and slept all night at an angle. (Tee Hee! - Serves him right for being soooooooo stubborn, he "wasn't ready" to sleep in the same bed and too stubborn to go back on the couch.)
Well I thought on the way to work and called him. I told him if he cuts me some new slats that I would go back to the other room. (We don't yet have a box spring for that mattress, so without the slats... we'd be on the floor.) At least I am in my own home. IF he decides he is sooooooooo uncomfortable that he can't handle living with me, it will be his turn to move and I will end up in my own bed anyways then.
I went by my girlfriend's on the way to work at 6:30 am and collected the rest of my stuff. That is why I doubt I'll be posting tonight. I have a stuffed vehicle to unload and a room to make up.
I promise to work hard and if I can find the energy I'll update you.
Say your prayers everyone, I am praying for all of you. My list of prayers for mass was so long!!!!!!!!!
Love you all.
{{{{Wifey}}}} Glad you checked in..was wondering if you were still in a deep sleep
I hate that you would have to go into the other room..which is very sweet of you to offer..I think you should make hub deal with it
Tawnya
Kjo-
i'm proud of you sweetheart. seriously. you seem like you are getting off the rollercoaster. i'm glad for you.
keep it up! Sleeping in your own bed definitly is nice! i got the old master bed from my W about a month ago. it's amazing.
Hi Kellijo
I hope you are in a good way. Be strong.
It's been awhile. I am so, so happy for your progress. More importantly I'm estatic that you are feeling better. Keep patient.
Peace
Mark
Sure the more the merrier! PJ party at my house!!
SMW
Sure the more the merrier! PJ party at my house!!
SMW
SMW..I may hold you to that..like I said, I'm not that far and I'd love to do something different
SMW..I may have to see if I could tag along..since NC is not far from VA
Tawnya
Did not see yours T.
Sure thing!
You need to find me in the alternate universe.
SMW
It's been awhile. I am so, so happy for your progress. More importantly I'm estatic that you are feeling better. Keep patient.
Peace
Mark
Hey Mark! I still have a little shakiness, but I am feeling better. I wrote on my car's rearview mirror, "Patience, Faith & Honor."
The DAM is going to have to Sh*t or get off the pot at some point because they are going to pump the outhouse and haul it away whether he is in it or not.
Yeah- I know I'm hokey.
Still, I know I deserve better than what I am getting right now. I am working hard on just
doing nothing.
The ball is in his court and I'm eating popcorn up in the stands. With a chaser of Blackberry Merlot, of course.
Sure the more the merrier! PJ party at my house!!
SMW
I so wish I could come. Got to be here for S19. But I will wear my pj's and drink hot cocoa while I think of my friends.
(((((Kelly Jo)))))
Good job! I think that's all you can do right now!
Good thing for Blackberry Merlot!
Not even for one weekend prior to the holiday????
PLEASE???????
Look at the Wine Dinner with Thomas Jefferson. WOOHOO. Alcohol and history! That man had an amazing wine cellar!
SMW
SMW..I'd be glad to find you in that alternate universe land
I think we'd all have a good time hanging out and just having fun!
Tawnya
((((Kj))) I'm laughing so hard thinking about your stubborn H crooked all night. LOL
I must admit, I think you're too nice offering to move to the other room.
You do sound wonderful tho. It does my heart good to see how far you're grown. Good Job Woman !!
Hugs
ps you must have gotten all the dragons, they haven't been around for a while. xoxo
Hi Wifey,
I thought I'd check in on you. This is all so good. It's a little surreal to me while reading how you just decided to move back in. *snap* Just like that. Wow! Wow!
No fighting? No yelling? Just bits of slat-induced awkwardness. It sounds like to you feel really good AND sleeping in your bed. H seems to be...well...shocked still. What would you like him to do, now that you've moved back in.
And blackberry merlot? What is that? I thought merlot was a wine grape variety on it's own. Is this a blend?? Sounds yummy...to a point...because as a guy, I'm fundamentally opposed to merlot. It's against my religious beliefs to drink it.
{{{Wifey}}} Where ya been my friend..you doing okay?
Tawnya
Hi Wifey,
I thought I'd check in on you. This is all so good. It's a little surreal to me while reading how you just decided to move back in. *snap* Just like that. Wow! Wow!
No fighting? No yelling?
And blackberry merlot? What is that? I thought merlot was a wine grape variety on it's own. Is this a blend?? Sounds yummy...to a point...because as a guy, I'm fundamentally opposed to merlot. It's against my religious beliefs to drink it.
Yeah. I think surreal is how my H saw it. It took a couple days for him to even talk about the change. And no, no yelling, just a "You changed our agreement." I told him I had been miserable and at least now I was in my own space, at my home.
I don't like most merlot's. But Arbor Myst has this blackberry merlot that is so awesome. You have to try it. Hmmmm, my religion (Catholic) likes wine. Time for a conversion? : ) (Said tongue in cheek and with no offense to your religion intended.)
{{{Wifey}}} Where ya been my friend..you doing okay?
Tawnya
I'm glad you asked because I have just enough energy to do a real quick journal and then head home from work after about 11 hours of working. This is budget season and so I will often wind up here for this long. (Only 3 months out of the year that is this intense.)
I've been good. I really did well with hanging loose and just being damned glad to be at home.
Yesterday I think we had a little breakthrough. He started a conversation that turned to R talk. I thought, oh no, but I calmly handled all of what he asked and what he talked about. Then I looked him in the eye and told him I loved him, period, no ifs, ands or buts about it. That I didn't need anything else to be happy, not a career, not education, not money, not fancy things.
He kind of shook a bit and then told me that for the longest time he hasn't felt like he was my priority. That I had ambitions and things I wanted to do. And I went and did really good things for other people, which made me a good person, but he hasn't been my priority.
I looked him in the eye and told him that he was my priority. H said I know you mean that now. But it wasn't that way 5 months ago and I don't know that will be the case 5 months from now. I repeated you are my priority for about ten minutes and tears starting rolling down his cheeks. He kept staring into my eyes the whole time I said it. I didn't blink, I didn't look away, and I kept saying it.
Then I kissed him and he grabbed me and hugged me. I just don't know if it was only me that felt a little change. Almost like he had hope that I really could make him that priority.
He slept in the other bedroom, but I know I had a hard time sleeping. I wanted to just slap myself for not realizing how he felt until the bomb dropped. He is so right!
Still a long, long hard road to go. But I think I really understood how he felt. I love the man more than anyone in this world and he felt like I didn't need him and he was only part of the woodwork instead of the most precious person in the world to me. I did take him for granted and thought he would always be there.
Now I am going to pray all the way home. I spent quite a bit of time cleaning and doing laundry before I went to work. He used to complain because I would get busy and not keep up at home. I realize that I may have to work late, but I don't have to come in early, too. I have time to show him that he and our house are a priority.
And thanks, Poet, I am going to take your suggestion to prepare some food tonight that he can heat up to eat tomorrow.
Pray everyone, pray really hard. If I have any energy after he goes to sleep I will check on all of you. Got to drive home now and miss the deer if at all possible.
I don't post to you; but I read your sitch. I'm praying for you and rooting for both of you.
{{{{Wifey}}} Wow..what a great convo and a kiss and hug too..wow..definitely prayers going up for you my friend!! I hope you are doing well with working those hours..but I"m glad it's just for a short time
Tawnya
"I thought, oh no, but I calmly handled all of what he asked and what he talked about. Then I looked him in the eye and told him I loved him, period, no ifs, ands or buts about it. That I didn't need anything else to be happy, not a career, not education, not money, not fancy things."
This is what happens when you get the timing right. And all the good stuff comes along with it.
Remember.. slow consistent things.. work wonders.
Thats all I have to say about that.
You asked for me to check in..
Just look for those small "chances" to steer things.. or lead.
You just proved to me you can "see" them. Like DB says.. Do what works.
I am a simple man.. and don't like a lot of words..
So I just say....
((Kj)) sending love, hugs, & prayers !!
Hey Wifey,
He he. The blackberry merlot sounds delish, but I think converting to Catholicism is kinda overkill when I can drive to my local religious spirits shop and ask for something yummy. I'll see what my local church serves up and then decide whether I can get you to switch to Anglican (Episcopalian).
Heck, to me it ALL seems surreal, but I suppose your H's reaction is the most surreal. I love how you just 'decided' the break the agreement to be apart. I love it. I love it. I LOVE IT!
I wonder if what my W would do if I just showed up with a sleeping bag and said I was having a sleepover at her house tonight.
Pray everyone, pray really hard. If I have any energy after he goes to sleep I will check on all of you. Got to drive home now and miss the deer if at all possible.
I'm praying. I'm praying with my eyes OPEN so I can see it goes in the right direction.
"I thought, oh no, but I calmly handled all of what he asked and what he talked about. Then I looked him in the eye and told him I loved him, period, no ifs, ands or buts about it. That I didn't need anything else to be happy, not a career, not education, not money, not fancy things."
This is what happens when you get the timing right. And all the good stuff comes along with it.
Remember.. slow consistent things.. work wonders.
Thats all I have to say about that.
You asked for me to check in..
Just look for those small "chances" to steer things.. or lead.
You just proved to me you can "see" them. Like DB says.. Do what works.
I am a simple man.. and don't like a lot of words..
So I just say....
Forest. My husband is a simple man that doesn't like a lot of words. I'm glad you chimed in here. I think the most important thing I learned is that now I have to SHOW him he's my priority and not use a lot of words to TELL him he's my priority.
Hey Wifey,
He he. The blackberry merlot sounds delish, but I think converting to Catholicism is kinda overkill when I can drive to my local religious spirits shop and ask for something yummy. I'll see what my local church serves up and then decide whether I can get you to switch to Anglican (Episcopalian).
Heck, to me it ALL seems surreal, but I suppose your H's reaction is the most surreal. I love how you just 'decided' the break the agreement to be apart. I love it. I love it. I LOVE IT!
I wonder if what my W would do if I just showed up with a sleeping bag and said I was having a sleepover at her house tonight.
Hmmmm, there's been a lead-up to getting closer. Some dates, some time apart and some time together. I'll have to read up on your sitch before I say anything there. Under certain circumstances I suppose it would have disastrous consequences.
Saturday night he went to a movie with the guys and stayed over at his friends because he'd been drinking. Sunday when he came home he asked if I wanted to go visit the in-laws with him. (He has gone and visited without me through the sitch several times. I was glad he came home and asked me. He could have gone straight there.)
It was a really great day. That was the start I guess to him talking to me about how he felt. And the amazing thing was I didn't initiate it.
Last night was also surreal, more in my journal.
Quick journal and then I am going to bug outta' work. I have my support group tonight.
Last night he had been having a couple beers when I got home. I had dinner and had a couple glasses of wine myself. I came over and talked with him after I ate. He was real tired and not really saying much.
I asked if I could give him a back rub. He was surprised but said sure. He laid on the living floor and I gave him a good back rub. With the beer and the rub he kind of fell asleep. Don't think he was tipsy, just happy, and tired from work. Anyhow, I turned off the light and covered him with a comforter and laid down next to him.
After a half hour or so he woke up and headed to bed. At first he assumed I would sleep in the other room. I was a bit hurt and sad at that point, and I did go in the other room for a while. Then I said to him that I was having an awful hard time sleeping. He said to sleep in with him, but just for tonight.
I did and I slept well. Now I go to my support group and I go home and have no expectations of a repeat sleeping arrangement. I prayed prayers of thankfulness all the way to work for what has happened so far and for sleeping in the same bed last night.
So hard not to have expectations right now, but I do have God to turn to. My prayers will carry me closer to him. It is my faith and my friends that have gotten me this far.
((((POET)))) I miss talking to you at night. The last couple nights its been impossible. Tonight I will call on my way home from support group.
Hey Wifey just seeing how your doing
(((((Kelly Jo)))))
Not posting too much, but I'm following along. I think you are doing the right thing for you!
I think I like the sounds of what is happening here in your sitch KJ. I would venture a guess that subconsciously your H likes the current state of things as you hold fast to our Lord and have Him lead you toward re-unification.
Point to really ponder ...if through your faith your heart & mind is convinced that our Great Lord has indeed saved and preserved your M forever, then it has happened already for you. Stand back and watch it be unfolded by our loving God. His works are surely mighty.
KJ-
you sound like you are in such a better place as of late. i'm proud of you girl!!!!!!!
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
stay strong girlie...i believe in you!
Not doing so good today. We had a R talk and he is certain and I can't reach him. He wants to separate.
More later.
KJ, dont go and hide on me, talk to me sis, tell me what happened. I have heard that so many times the past year, and some part of him is still here, so i havent believed his words yet.
i love you girlie, here for you.
remember, KJ....WAS's always, always, ALWAYS say they are certain. stop trying to reach him, cause, kiddo, you won't.
Not a 2x4, just a friendly reminder.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
{{{{{{{{{{Wifey}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Tawnya
Hey, I totally understand still being shakey at times. I feel exactly the same way. Patience, Faith & Honor. Great motto to live by even if we weren't living the life that we are today. It sounds to me like you have rebuilt a strong foundation to live by.
By the way, he is probably taking a long time in the outhouse because he brought the newspaper in with him.
Peace and Love
Mark
Thanks for being concerned everyone. I'm ok, really. He just believes that he is done. He went out of his way to tell me so. Well, I'm still in the house and I don't intend to leave. He seems to think he has all the time in the world to drag his feet on this. It is starting to get so old.
I've made my share of mistakes in my M, I know I have, but I have owned up to them. So far he hasn't said word one about his mistakes because he is the one wronged here, he is the one that was hurt, and he is the one that just wants to throw away 26 years.
I am just trying to stay calm now and go about my business. Work is busy and stressful and it will keep me from going crazy. (I hope.) My faith is stronger than ever and I am going to put my faith in the Lord to resolve this sitch however he sees it best to work out.
I did melt down and cry this weekend, but he will not see that again from me unless I'm crying tears of joy over something. I've built a protective shell over my heart the last couple of days and he can't have it back without some significant effort on his part. I don't see that happening any time soon.
He wants to blame me for his poor relationship with his son is the worst thing, really. Because my son loses out here, he loses out on having a Dad he can count on.
If I don't have to work too late I may be on again later.
Just keep praying everyone.
remember, KJ....WAS's always, always, ALWAYS say they are certain. stop trying to reach him, cause, kiddo, you won't.
Hey wifey! I agree with Neilh23. Don't talk to them about R. It triggers fear and bad memories and the WAS feels trapped and project it back to you as manipulation. I know you didn't mean it that way and they don't want to react that way...but they do.
Just...avoid...it. Focus on the 180s. Let the WAS react how they want to react and just let it flow over you and not into you.
I bought on book recently on the topic of original play and discovering that inner child again. The first sentence I read was "Original play does not resolve conflicts. It makes them obsolete". So I'm working on figuring out how to make this happen. It seems to make sense. The book is by O. Fred Donaldson and called Playing by Heart.
Esky
Guys. I am off to home, but taking home a pile of work. LOL I would rather be up for hours in my jammies doing this stuff than here in the office. Supposed to have my divorce care support group tonight but there's no way I can go tonight. A quick post and then I'm off.
I realized tonight that he really is a bit delusional if he thinks he can separate, divorce, and then rebuild the relationship at that point. He is trying to come to grips with pain that started for him in 2003, when I was a WAW for 2 months. (Long story, read back in my threads or I could clarify if someone is completely lost - when I can find time to come up for air.)
How does he think he can heal his pain by inflicting worse pain on me and then hope to have anything left to build on? I am nearly out of my mind with all of this some times. But I am really, really clear on what I want to have happen.
I have no control or choice about what he is going to do. I see it, I understand it, I accept it. That doesn't make it any more painful.
I do have some choices of my own, though. I love him, I stand for my M, I hate all of what is going on, but I will make it clear to him ( at some point - not tonight) that his choices will be a new beginning for us, or the end of us.
I will love him the rest of my life no matter what he decides. But I really find it hard to believe that I ever could trust him again if he decides to file any kind of legal paperwork, whether for S or D.
I will pray for my H tonight and for all my dear friends here. BabyGirl, Poet, Cookie, Neil, SMW, all of you.... I am sorry I am neglecting you right now. My main job is budgeting for my company and I am in the thick of it. I have 110 budgets to work on from now through the end of December. I will probably be up until 11 just getting done today's work.
I love you all. Remember to include myself and my husband Bill in your prayers.
Hi KelliJo
Wow you are inundated with mountains of work. Probably good that you will be thoroughly wrapped up w/ the work so that you do not come any more unglued than you and the rest of us already are.
I am sure you do great work. Budgets huh, a #'s girl
I usually like that kinda stuff. Well, take good care of yourself. Do some ocassional fun stuff. Remember it is the little stuff which can produce unthinkable joys.
I'll be lifting your family up in prayer. Trust and obey.
Tomato,
Thank you. Anyone that says a prayer for someone else is doubly blessed.
Yeah, I'm a numbers geek. I am still at it at my kitchen table. I just decided to take a little break and check on everyone.
I trust completely in the Lord. He will guide me and I will be strong.
break ..no breaks. lol
keep up that attitude and those prayers.
Tomato,
The honest truth is that H is sound asleep and I sat here and cried for the last hour or so. I guess when I took a break it wasn't such a hot idea. Now I am going to go get ready for bed and go in my bedroom - alone.
I am best kept busy with work or whatever. Some days I am so good, and some days I'm not. The good thing is that he has no idea that I was crying. DAM anyway - I hope he sleeps well. At least one of us will.
Did you notice I updated my profile? I am so glad I moved home. It really was the best thing that I could do.
I am doing good today. I had IC this morning and she was almost asking me if I still needed to come see her because she thought I was doing so well. I assured her that I was very far from ready to stop C. I still have a long way to go. Though I agree I am doing better, I still have my days.
For those not around when I started, I started out so shattered. It has taken me so long to get to a place of calm, confident, unconditional love. Whatever happens my faith in God has grown. I am certainly a different person now than I was.
Sorry for the quick post. I've been reading mostly. Now I am going to watch some tv and have an adult beverage. ; ) H is hanging with his guy friends tonight so I am just kicking back and relaxing.
I'm supposed to be doing work - but I just don't seem to be able to bring myself to do it. Maybe with a little break that will change.
Praying for everyone tonight.
thanks for the prayers Kjo..right back at ya
{{{{KJo}}}} My friend..sorry iwas AWOL for a few days due to account issues..but you sound like you are doing better..I'm so glad you are still in your home and enjoying your bed
You totally deserve to be somewhere you are content..
Ugh..I know about that crying/alone in the bedroom feeling..why does that have to suck so much? LOL..I do pretty well during the day until that time of the night
I hope your Sunday is wonderful!
Tawnya
((((((Kj))))))
You do sound really really good. You're coping, handling, going to C, taking breaks, crying, and acknowledging your own growth. And after that you still have time to check on friends.
Hugs
hey KJ thank you for the prayers last nite, i think thats why the night went ok!!
i am proud of you my stronger every day friend!
Hey guys. Work has been a bear all week, which is why I haven't been on. I still have had a struggle with my emotions this week. But I am looking forward to the weekend. I am all caught up and don't have to take any work home!
I took next Wednesday off of work. We are only open until 12 and it isn't worth it to drive an hour in, an hour home and work for 4 hours. Besides, I have pies to bake.
I will continue to say prayers for everyone. I hope to be able to get back on later. That has been impossible because of work and fatigue by the time I get home.
KJ---- how are you? anything from....? hope you are doing well...
Sorry I haven't been on much. Budget season is always such a killer. Thankfully I took today off of work to clean and make pies.
The only update I have is that I am not well. My H is still hell-bent on separating and has the idea that I am the one that has to leave (again).
Yesterday he sent me an email about his feelings. He doesn't want to hurt me but says he needs to heal and and be just himself and come to terms with everything. He doesn't want to talk any more, he just wants to live apart and see if we can rebuild from friends.
I decided to just include his email here rather than describe it:
I can't help the way I feel. I've expressed my feelings the best I can and you still chose not to accept my feelings. I want to be friends/family and rebuild our relationship. If it can be...
Right now you are panic and your actions are driving me crazy. At this point I don't want to say much because interpritation is most often different then what I mean to covey.
Also afraid you will do something to hurt yourself.
I love you and always want to be part of your life. We've grown apart. You have ambition for many things I just want to enjoy life after a long days work. I've felt unapreciated and dismissed for so long. I made compromises to do what is right for the family. Now I have to do what is right for me. Learn to live again accept my failures and press on. Be the best parent, son, friend and person I can be. Not what someone else thinks I should be.
When you left 5 years ago you made it clear I couldn't call you NA... As I understood that woman no longer exsisted.
Also you made me think about all the gifts I recieved at school over the last year. 6 roses 2 real 2 paper 2 cholarte, box of legos, radio control car, coffee mug, hugs, shirts, nice comments with sincere appreciation for helping someone. Thank you cards for the tours I give and the advise I give to parents. Bits of encouragement that say I'm a good man that helps people.
I'm tired of talking. I just want peace whereby time to let go of my past mistakes and painful memories. Remember all the good ones.
I'm sorry for everything.
He sent me the email at 9:30 in the morning and I happened to check my personal email in the middle of a budget review. Here I was in the corporate board room, with 5 company VP's trying to keep notes on changes to the budgets we were reviewing and also trying not to cry or throw up.
We got out of our reviews around 4 and I answered his email and then left work a total basket case. I cried my heart out and drove to where he works. I called him and told him I was waiting in the parking lot because it wasn't safe for me to drive home right then by myself.
When he came out I just cried and cried in his arms. It took nearly 30 minutes for me to calm down enough to drive home.
When we got home he held me on the couch while I sobbed and sobbed and told him over and over how much I loved him.
He finally went downstairs to work out and I fell asleep on the couch. When he came back upstairs I woke up and curled up to him while he watched tv.
At bed time I told him I could not sleep alone. He said that just for tonight I could sleep in the same bed. And I actually slept, which I don't normally do unless I take something.
This morning I had a hug at the door before he left, but I think it was more of an "I'm sorry you are hurting" kind of hug than any real affection.
So, I am pretty much empty right now. Only my faith in God is helping me. I believe he cares for me even when my H doesn't.
I really, truly give thanks that I found all of you here. You all really understand.
Wifey, I am sorry you are hurting. Maybe this is the bottom. He suggested that you both need to start again as friends. That is how love grows.
I believe he cares for me even when my H doesn't.
hey KJ..... this struck me. i think you're wrong here. Your H does indeed care about you. To take a page out of SC's book....
he took the time to explain to you his feelings. that rght there indicates that he does. If he didn't care, he would be indifferent to you. He held you while you cried your eyes out. Again, if he didn't care, he wouldn't've done that.
think about it sweetheart......what i would give to hold my W as she cried....even if it's for a minute......think about it....
Check out my thread for a link to a great article in pyschology today. i know you'll appreciate it.
I believe in you......keep at it girlie
hey KelliJo
Hope you are managing things decently on this day. I just wanted to comment and pass along some very brief and unsolicited advice based upon reading H's email. Here goes. For the indefinete future you need to leave your H alone as he has so clearly requested. He wants his space and as a loving spouse you need to grant him that. In my extremely brief, and I can't overstate that enough, observation of where you are at this moment you seem much to clingy and intrusive for his current liking. You are going to need to put into place, if you don't already have, a fortified support system for yourself which does not include H. He needs to be off limits for now but for two remote exceptions a) if he should initiate contact w/ you (& if you do your part he will); b)a loss of limb, no doubt about it emergency .
You would do well to develope some different pattern of self soothing for the short term that maybe involve close friends, family and/or a "teddy bear" plush guy. Anything but H. He needs to go it alone for a bit to reset his "satellites", so you need to show him your love by complying with his wishes. You'll make it fine, just vary your pattern some.
You will be in my prayers. Peace to you and your's & make it a Happy Thanksgiving.
P.S - maybe a lesson learned to not even be tempted to open up emails that could even be remotely emotionally un-doing when in the presence of professional colleagues.
Hi KJo, Checking in after a long while away from the BB. I'm sorry that you are still at this point in your sitch.
You know, you can't make him change. You can only change yourself. You've been DBing for (I think) about six months now. With that in mind...
How are YOU significantly different, as a person, than when you started? Please answer this question without a single reference to your H.
How are YOU significantly different in the ways that you interact with your H? Please answer this question focusing on your own actions, not his.
The stuff you are hearing from H seems to be the exact same stuff you have heard consistently from him for the past six months. As MWD says, when what you are doing isn't working, do something else....
(((Hugs!)))
Hey, {{{{{{Kelly Jo}}}}}}.
Every time I read from your sitch, I am struck again by how much alike we seem to be. I know EXACTLY how you feel and struggle daily with "letting go" and concetrating on me. I am a "fixer" and have little or no patience and standing back and giving the space my H has requested is very hard for me, and I feel I "backslide" a lot, and second guess everything I do.
But, KJ, I see a LOT of positives in your sitch. The very fact that your H has "opened up" to you in the way he has in this e-mail is something I wish my H could do for me. My H is still very closed off and petrified of taking any step toward me. The hugs I REALLY envy you! He came out and said in writing that he "wants to be friend/family and rebuild our relationship. If it can be....." is also, I think, very positive. These are all things to hold onto!
I know I've suggested them before, but I will suggest them again. Two books that really helped me (and I've read a LOT) are:
Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody
Surviving Male Menopause by Jed Diamond
You are a good lady. Don't forget that!
And, one other small piece of advice. Don't leave again! If he wants to take that step, he needs to make that effort.
Take care!!
Hi KJo, Checking in after a long while away from the BB. I'm sorry that you are still at this point in your sitch.
You know, you can't make him change. You can only change yourself. You've been DBing for (I think) about six months now. With that in mind...
How are YOU significantly different, as a person, than when you started? Please answer this question without a single reference to your H.
How are YOU significantly different in the ways that you interact with your H? Please answer this question focusing on your own actions, not his.
The stuff you are hearing from H seems to be the exact same stuff you have heard consistently from him for the past six months. As MWD says, when what you are doing isn't working, do something else....
(((Hugs!)))
A) I am significantly different in that I recognize that I often kept busy and focused on the next achievement to try and bury feelings. In so doing I would avoid really feeling what I should have felt and faced what I needed to face.
By doing this I lost focus on what was truly precious and important in my life. While I was trying to feel better about myself I was actually hurting myself.
B) I am significantly different in how I interact with my husband in that I do not reject what he is trying to say or make excuses. I take responsibility for my actions and hurts and faults.
I am also able to put myself into his shoes and feel the way he feels. Though this hurts so much, I never tell him that he is wrong in how he feels or that things were different than the way he saw them.
I now say, I know, you are right, and I am so sorry. In the past I would try to redefine what he was saying and tell him he saw it wrong, or I didn't mean to do that, I meant this... or I would have a reason for what I did that I thought explained it away.
Does this make sense?
hey KelliJo
Hope you are managing things decently on this day. I just wanted to comment and pass along some very brief and unsolicited advice based upon reading H's email. Here goes. For the indefinete future you need to leave your H alone as he has so clearly requested. He wants his space and as a loving spouse you need to grant him that. In my extremely brief, and I can't overstate that enough, observation of where you are at this moment you seem much to clingy and intrusive for his current liking. You are going to need to put into place, if you don't already have, a fortified support system for yourself which does not include H. He needs to be off limits for now but for two remote exceptions a) if he should initiate contact w/ you (& if you do your part he will); b)a loss of limb, no doubt about it emergency .
You would do well to develope some different pattern of self soothing for the short term that maybe involve close friends, family and/or a "teddy bear" plush guy. Anything but H. He needs to go it alone for a bit to reset his "satellites", so you need to show him your love by complying with his wishes. You'll make it fine, just vary your pattern some.
You will be in my prayers. Peace to you and your's & make it a Happy Thanksgiving.
P.S - maybe a lesson learned to not even be tempted to open up emails that could even be remotely emotionally un-doing when in the presence of professional colleagues.
Tomato- thank you for writing to me. We are still in the same house. Really isn't possible for me to just ignore him or not talk to him.
Today I am actually toying with the idea of finding a pet-friendly hotel and going away for the weekend. I have work to take with me and I would keep the phone off. I could email him to let him know I was safe and that is all he needs to know.
Well, I didn't go anywhere for the weekend. And I decided to veg yesterday. I had IC this morning which was good except for coming out feeling like shredded meat of course.
My C told me to buy a teddy bear. I think it was Smart Cookie that also told me that. I am to go into my room and lay down with the bear and comfort the little girl inside of me that was abandoned and hurt. Sounds crazy, but really, really wise at the same time.
So today I went to a matinee with my H to see Bolt. I'd thought I was going alone, but he came home and asked where I was going and he said he'd like to go. It was a really cute movie, but me as the ever sappy one, had to tear up at two scenes. (What a dolt- its an animated movie for gosh sakes.)
Anyway, then we went to Wal-Mart and I found the softest, cuddly teddy bear I could find. I got a puzzled look from the H, but he didn't ask and I didn't offer any explanation.
Then I said I was hungry and he suggested we go eat. We went to Denny's. He seemed a little off. I asked if he was tired and he said no, he'd been thinking about my last email.
I was absolutely not going there. I just said, ok. He wanted to talk more for some reason. He said he wasn't sure how to respond. I just told him it wasn't written for him to respond to, just for him to take it in. Then I changed the subject.
Whoah, doesn't he try to bring it up in the car, too, on the way home. He seemed so sad and down. I told him it was ok. However he felt right at this moment it was all right. He was trying to say that he feels love but its different. I said again that its ok. Lets just enjoy one moment at a time.
He was quiet all the way home. I went to take a nap because I stayed up until 2 am and I am going out tonight. He woke me up before 5 because he was leaving to go to his friend's house tonight. I got a hug and kiss before he left. Nice, because I didn't initiate either one. I was actually hanging back.
He still looked sad, but I didn't say anything. I just let him be. He said for me to be careful tonight when I go out. I said I would and said the same to him.
And yes, I did cuddle that teddy bear while I slept. I am a 42 year old woman and I slept with a teddy bear. He must have thought I was out of my mind when he woke me up, because he had to have seen the bear. I have to chuckle at that.
Well, I guess I better get ready to go out. Tonight is GAL time.
UUUHHHMMM--Kjo--
I have been sleeping with a stuffed dog that DH gave me when I was pregnant with Mikki. DH was on deployment and sent me the puppy to keep me company. Whenever DH is not in bed with me, the dog is and has been. Don't sweat it.
SMW
hey kj....
at the start of my sitch, my D3.5 accidently left her "goofy" stuffed animal here. it stayed in my bed because it reminded me of my family.
so it's all good.....
stay strong girlie....hope you are doing some serious GALing...
Yeah..I had this teddy bear that I would like to find..a stuffed "pooky" from Garfield that I gave to hub a long time ago when he was in the Marines and he would go out in the field..so for now I have a pillow
{{{{Wifey}}}} Hugs to you my friend..I would LOVE to get those hugs and a kiss too..man..gives me something to hold out hope for
So what did you do tonight for your GAL?
Tawnya
(((((((Kj))))))) I sleep with my teddy bear "Bella" whenever I am sad & need extra safe snuggling. My H knows that when I am holding her, I am extra fragile emotionally. My kids think it's perfectly normal to have a lovie as a grown woman.
It's symbolic of course. Our teddy or dolly is the inner child in us. When we hold & cuddle that teddy we are holding & cuddling our own inner identity seed. The one God created. The one we were meant to be before our identity was crushed, before we were shamed, or hurt, or neglected, or even guilt tripped by loving caring parents.
Even the best intention parents screw up their kids slightly. It's how we all grow & heal & find the real us.
What's your teddies name ?
Love ya
(wanna have a teddy bear tea party ?)
A teddy bear tea party sounds great.
My inner child is hurting so bad that I am having the hardest time seeing past my own hurt to his. I have to soothe the little girl that felt abandoned, unworthy of love, time or attention a good part of her life.
At the same time, I absolutely have to see and acknowledge his hurt. Because when I read your threads, and those of the other WA's I know how he must have felt to get to the point of wanting to separate. The pain and the guilt are killing me.
You know, I'm just me. I'm not rich, I'm not perfect, I maybe weigh all of about 102 right now. My marriage is hanging by a very thin thread and I'm scared.
He needs peace. I want to give him that. I have to give him that. I love him so much.
Doesn't change the fact that I don't know how to handle this pain and my own fears, and the past that keeps threatening to swallow me whole.
I pray to my Father in Heaven that he reach out and hold me and comfort me. Give me Your strength and carry me when I can no longer crawl.
{{{Wifey}}} Huge hugs to you my friend..I pray He does comfort you and give you strength and peace!!
Tawnya
Wifey - I hope you had a nice T-day. I hope you are doing well. You are in my prayers.
A teddy bear tea party sounds great.
My inner child is hurting so bad that I am having the hardest time seeing past my own hurt to his. I have to soothe the little girl that felt abandoned, unworthy of love, time or attention a good part of her life.
At the same time, I absolutely have to see and acknowledge his hurt. Because when I read your threads, and those of the other WA's I know how he must have felt to get to the point of wanting to separate. The pain and the guilt are killing me.
You know, I'm just me. I'm not rich, I'm not perfect, I maybe weigh all of about 102 right now. My marriage is hanging by a very thin thread and I'm scared.
He needs peace. I want to give him that. I have to give him that. I love him so much.
Doesn't change the fact that I don't know how to handle this pain and my own fears, and the past that keeps threatening to swallow me whole.
I pray to my Father in Heaven that he reach out and hold me and comfort me. Give me Your strength and carry me when I can no longer crawl.
Rule #1 sweetie, save yourself first ! Put on your own oxygen mask, then try to help him with his.
Guilt is there to help us know that we'll do differently next time. Let it go. It's toxic.
You are a good & beautiful person.
But..... you cannot give him peace. He has to find that for himself. He's not perfect either. He has 100% responsibilty for his 50% of the relationship.
Hugs & Love
Smart..very SMART words about what we have to find for ourselves and our responsibilities! Very wise indeed
{{{Wifey}}} How are you today?
Tawnya
I am ok right now. Its been a very long day so far. Considering I was up at 4 I'm not surprised.
Yesterday I had an interesting email from "Ginny." She is the woman that I suspected wanted more than just a friendship with my husband. He, of course, always said they were just friends, wanted nothing more, and had really backed way off from her because of how I felt about their friendship.
Apparently my instincts were right about her. She sent me an email set to notify her when it had been read. She told me that she had the ability to retract and delete the email after it was read, would deny ever sending it to me, and that my husband would believe her because he did want me any more.
Suffice it to say that she cut and pasted or blind carbon copied me on her reply to some recent emails between her and my H.
There wasn't anything awfully damaging in them, but enough to get the idea that they have talked more than he let on, and that she seemed to know an awful lot about our situation.
Damn if she didn't retract and delete the email too!
I did tell my h about it and he did believe me. He apologized that it happened and was completely floored that she would do this. He said, "My friendship with her has changed and basically right now I don't want her in my life at all."
He ended up in tears after we talked when I got home. I frankly felt like she was trying to drive me crazy so she could pursue my husband.
I just don't know how I should feel about it. At least I didn't go with my first instinct to drive to her house and beat her up. And I would have made sure her husband knew about her confiding in my husband about their problems. Strange, once I calmed down I felt really sorry for her. She is quite pitiful.
I'll write more on this later. I have to head out to meet someone for coffee on the way home.
I'm fine right at the moment. I've been working so hard and that has helped me keep busy.
KJ
I just don't know how I should feel about it. At least I didn't go with my first instinct to drive to her house and beat her up. And I would have made sure her husband knew about her confiding in my husband about their problems. Strange, once I calmed down I felt really sorry for her. She is quite pitiful.
KJ- my money woulda been on you!!!!LOL....i'm right there with you. i've wanted to beat the living chit outta my W's OM for about 8 months now..........argh. even more so now that i see how my W is being hurt by this guy....
Just from reading your post, I gotta tell you, sis that you handled this wonderfully. You never cease to amaze me with your wisdom. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You are good, really, REALLY good. Your H is coming right along!
poet
{{{Wifey}}} Yes you did handle it beautifully well..tho I would have loved for you to go pop her one
(just kidding..well kinda!)
YOU are a wonderful woman and hope you are doing great
Tawnya
Hi KelliJo
How are you my dear? I hope you are feeling the warmth of God's love for you. Peace and prayers for you always.
{{{Wifey}}} Just checking in on you..hope your weekend is wonderful my friend
Tawnya
The weekend was pretty good. Friday my H and I went to Applebee's for dinner. Then we just went home and watched tv. We both slept on the couch. (Its a large sectional sofa.)
Saturday we spent the day together. Mostly we were watching tv and hanging out. Just very quiet. It was so hard later, but I went to my company Christmas party alone. I felt like a fish out of water, but the party was very nice.
Sunday we had breakfast, then I did some house stuff, then we went to the in-laws for the rest of the day. That was fun and its always great to see them.
When we came home I wasn't feeling that great and fell asleep for a while. H went downstairs to work out.
All in all a quiet weekend with nothing major going on. I think it was relaxing and peaceful.
{{{Wifey}}} Aww..so glad you had a nice and peaceful weekend..those are the best kind!
I'm glad you went to your party anyway and had a good time!
Tawnya
Hi KelliJo
Hope you are doing wonderful! ANd I hope that your bond to the Lord is being enriched. We need Him.
((((((((Kj))))))) I wish I coulda gone to your party with you. We woulda had a blast !!
Hugs
Very quick post, guys, and then I'm heading home. My son and husband are FINALLY in contact. Via email so far, but they may do lunch this week. I gave them both the same advice when they asked what to talk about, "Pretend you never met this person and you are gettting to know them for the first time." Now my lips are zipped and they are on their own. Well, with Jesus and Lord on hand of course.
So far so good this week. Still a little under the weather, but still peaceful at home.
Poet, I forgive you for waking me up. : ) I know you needed to talk. Prayers for my friend everyone.
I will see if I have any energy left later. I have so many of you to catch up with.
I love you all and pray for His blessings for each one.
I'll be updating my profile soon. I go to pay a deposit on an apartment tomorrow that is close to work. I'll probably move on Sunday. I'm completely gutted by all that has happened in my life since June 2nd and now it is time to start over, by myself. H hasn't wavered and has now seen the lawyer to start the legal separation papers.
I will keep up with all of you and might even have time to get on here later.
Prayers, everyone, for those are all that are holding me up. God is good.
I posted a reply on Cookie's thread, I couldn't find yours!
Honey, this might be hard. You might be lonely. Or, you might just feel peace and contentment. Relief. I'll be praying for you this weekend. love, Goldey
Hey, [[[[[[KellyJo]]]]]].
What happened? Why are
you the one moving out when you are not the one that wants this?
Anyway, take care!!!
{{{Wifey}}} Let us know what happened to finally have this "final straw" as it seems to be?!!! AND, more importantly, let us know you are ok..
Thinking about you and hugs to you my friend!
Tawnya
(((((((((((((Kj))))))))))))
I'm shocked, but I understand. I'm soooooo proud of you, but my heart aches for you.
HUGS
Sorry I missed you. I was at a dance performance with D14.
Hugs
I am very confused KJ, I thought you were pretty clear when you moved back in that if someone was to leave, it would be him. I am not sure why you would waiver on that?
Ian
Okay, everyone can put away the 2x4's. I didn't take the apartment. I am in my home and he left. Actually I demanded and told him he had to leave.
He immediately said he didn't have any place to go, didn't have anything prepared, could do it financially right now, etc.
I didn't back down. I said that if you love me as you say you do then you will stop the emotional torture. You see the legal separation as wiping the slate clean, starting fresh, that you need this time to heal, and blah, blah, blah. I can't take it any more because it is tearing my guts out.
I said that he had to leave and he had to leave today. My son was coming home tonight (to put on snow tires and have dinner with us) and when he left, my h had to go.
He finally agreed to go stay at his mom & dad's for now.
This all happened because I asked if he had been back to the lawyers, then I asked if he'd made an appointment. (I knew he had.) He looked me in the eyes and he lied. He said he hadn't.
He went to the appointment and I knew he had. Then I asked him about it a couple days after and told him I knew about it - that a friend of mine saw his car at the lawyers.
He admitted it and said he hadn't filed anything - yet - but that he was planning to give me papers after the first of the year. I was out of my mind in disbelief and in pain.
Then I decided ok, this is what you want, then this is what you get. I let him know that I would not call and I would make no effort to see him. IF he really wanted a fresh start then any effort had to come from him. And if he didn't - then I wouldn't wait for him.
I had spent 7 months being rejected and making the effort. Now it was all on him to figure out his head. And if he didn't then I would and will move on.
He said, but you said you would always love me. He said you said you would always be there. I replied that I would always love him, but that damn him, I was worth fighting for and if he didn't make me feel like I was worth it then I wouldn't be there.
And oh, his thought that we would heal, and then restart, and make dates and build off the friendship and "the little things" might not go as he planned. I would not be just Oh ok, honey. I was now hurt and resentful and there is now a huge wall that we will have to deal with.
He thinks it would all be ok to do this.
So, anyhow, that is why and how I am here by myself, But I am ok.
The apartment idea was put aside because he said he wants to gift the house to me. So the plan is to refinance the house (our balance is less than 25,000 right now) and stay here and he will eventually get an apartment.
I still hate the idea of the legal separation, but I am no longer fighting it. He can have it, and he can have the space and time. I am keeping on.
Bravo Wifey!
I am new to your thread - have read a little of your sitch.
In my humble opinion you have done the right thing, the only thing left to do.
It's exactly what everyone keeps talking about - drop the rope, let him go, detach, go dark - and when you finally embrace these concepts and take them to heart and make a stand - WOW!
You WILL get stronger everyday.
Your H will do some deep soul searching now. Hopefully he will man-up and realize what he must do if he wants to WIN you back.
Standing Ovation!!
Wowowowow {{{Wifey}}} I commented on my thread, since you gave me the synopsis there, but WOW..YOU are an amazingly strong woman and definitely gave me some thought there with the lying right to you thing..
I am glad you are and will be MORE than okay..YOU are an amazingly wonderful woman and your hub would be a fool not to see it..
Tawnya
Hey, KellyJo.
I hope you are proud of yourself, because you definitely deserve to be!! What strength, and integrity, and grit, you have shown!! I am in much the same place right now with my sitch, and I only hope that I can handle myself half so well as you appear to doing!
((((((hugs))))))
(((((((Kj))))))))
Growing hurts. You have grown soooooooooo much since we met. I hope you know how valuable & special you are. You deserve the very best & he wasn't willing to treat you that way. You did the only thing you could do.
HUGS
Thank you, Silver Fox, I take my bow now.
Yeah, the thing is he thought he had it all figured out to do it in his time, at his convenience. Now he is living with his parents, for the first time has a lot of credit card debt (talk about a change of personality - he hates credit cards) and has no set plans.
I on the other hand have already taken steps to get the utilities changed into my name. I will apply for a mortgage for the house today. Oh yeah, I also signed up for a membership to match.com. I'm not in any hurry to find someone, but I think for my sanity I will start dating.
I can budget and be very careful with my money. He said he will help if I get in a tight spot - although he would be the last one I would want to call. I can do this on my own and I will.
He is on his own!
Will he come back? Will he get a clue? Right now I don't really care about that. I am focused on me. He pulled the trigger by going to see a lawyer.
Time to focus on me and take care of me and make me happy. That starts today, right now, this very minute.
Tawnya, Silent Cheerleader & Cookie,
I feel strong this morning. Very strong actually, its surprising.
I guess I've thrown him overboard and I am motoring on. The really good thing is that I do have a good job and I can make enough to take care of myself.
He now has what he has been asking for. Goody for him. I will absolutely not sit home pining for him. As many tears as I cried yesterday - I am now reset and ready to go on.
KellyJo!!
I got in late last night and did not want to call you back that late--I know you have a real job.
Seems like you have been a busy lady this weekend. You sound amazing and I am so proud of you! You have gotten so strong in the past few weeks, I almost don't recognize you!
I have something going on almost every night this week, but I will try to squeeze in a call--with four kids, three in school, there is NEVER a dull moment during the holidays!
SMW
(((SMW))))
I have missed you, Sis! I am good and I am strong.
I have already transferred most of the utilities into my name and contacted the bank about refinancing.
As soon as the house is in my name I am going to change the locks.
How about that for giving him what he wants!
Hiya Kj....glad to see your strength returning. you've given yourself a unique opportunity. KEEP IT UP!!!
I'm proud of you girl!!!
What's the saying "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it".
I'm glad you're doing so good.
Big Hugs
Just a quick update:
After talking to my banker I find that I qualify for a home equity loan, which will actually be better for me. No application fees and no closing costs. And by paying more than the minimum payment I can probably have it paid off in 5 years, although I could take up to 15 years if I wanted to.
In order to make the application easier, I asked my h to meet me at the county government center tomorrow when they open. He is going to quit claim the house to me so I can go apply for the home equity loan.
Its amazing how I can do this in one day. I will now be paying for everything, utilities, the house, repairs, maintenance, taking care of my car, my dog, all of it. He is getting what he wants.
I really hope he will be happy. I don't want to wake up in his shoes the day he realizes what he's lost.
Tonight I had a few sniffles in the car on the way home. But I really am ok.
I better get to the work I brought home. Its going to be a late night.
I'm glad things are going well for you, KJo. You deserve it! I wish I had your strength. Right now I could use some.
Hi KelliJo
I hope you are feeling wonderful.
Prayers of peace I will say for ya.
T
and prayers for a slow and steady reconciliation/restoration of your M I will also be offering up to Him. He will work on H's heart and your's as well. He knows just what you guys need. He always does.
'night
don't work too hard ...now that I just caught up and see you continue to be bringin work home with ya.
((((((Kelly Jo))))))
Wow. What a quick turn of events. Keep your feet under you, there could be another turn when you least expect it.
I think you've done the right thing, it was time to draw some boundaries. Now he will get to live with the consequences, we shall see what happens!
Wifey, I read through your sitch tonight. Silver Fox told me to stop by. You are a strong woman. I am in almost the same situation as yourself. Think after the new year H will be asking for D. You are doing well with God's faith. I still struggle with turning it over to God. More peace and serentiy. I post over in infidelity - losing my sanity. The funny part is I also look in Match.com but for a different reason than looking for a date. i see what the dating pool is in my age group and look at their writeups and it makes me more determined to try and keep my M. lol
Thanks everybody. I got up this morning at 4:30 and prayed for my husband. I think I finally understand that I can not keep or restore my marriage unless I let it go completely. I have given him and the situation to God and I continue in my faith to him.
I also prayed for all of my friends here. You have been the wind beneath my wings when I thought I would sink to the ground and never get up again.
Holy hannah, I just checked my email and found this:
I can't stay here. Coming back to the house. Until I have funds to stay somewhere. We love each other and consider each other best of friends
I replied:
No. No you are not. If you come back I leave.
I do love you. It is now time for you to have what you have been asking for. I understand that I can not restore or save this marriage. I have to let you go.
I will never forget you and maybe some day I'll be over you. I know I can not heal while you are here.
WTF!!!!!!!!!
I told him if he really loved me that he would go. I even gave him money to pay for a motel room. If he can't stay with his parents then he has to find another alternative.
I've drawn a line in the sand for my sanity. Lord give me the strength.
He sent the email at 5:01 am. I just saw it after 6. He better not be on his way because I don't want him here. He has hurt me enough. Prayers everyone!
Been reading your sitch...will pray for you.
Wow {{{{{Wifey}}}}} Let us know how you are doing my friend..what a crazy way to start the day!
Tawnya