I don't know how to link my old thread to this one, but just a brief summery. i have d5 monday through friday and h has her on weekends. about 2 weeks ago, he came over to the house once again (d was at daycare) to do his usual thing of staying for hours, clean, berate me for the house not being perfect (he has ocd issue), etc. I was told the next time he does this to calmly call police to have them tell him to get what he needs and go.
I did this and he was furious. took my car keys and 2 days later took my car and put a for sale sign on it in the parking lot of work. my father came in to town to help me with the car, lawyer, etc. in the meantime, h took d5 to his parents in jersey and said that he was filing emergeny custody.
as many of you know, right after I found out about his affair (right before he movedout 2 months ago), he took my journals and photocopied sections of them that pertained to my depression last fall. he is now using the "mental health" card to get d.
he called social services on me and thank god, at hearing last friday, they found charges to be "unfounded". Then I had to sit there and listen to h's lawyer read quotes out of my private journal totally taken out of context. like, "I sometimes wish I could go back to nyc and not be a mom", "I don't think I'm a good mother", etc. It was a therapeutic writing excercize that my dr. gave me. I have anxiety issues that manifest phsysically and get stomach problems as a result. doing these writing exercises, gets everything "out of your body", so to speak and lo and behold, I got better (also on AD).
anyway we have another hearing on friday and both h and I will be interviewed by the child advocate and so will d5. I'm scared of course.
I took a really good action yestserday and called the dr. who is very well respected (he's and M.D. that also works with mind/body issues) and he said he GLADLY will write a letter explaining the writing excersize and that my "condition" has nothing to do with my cognitive or parenting abilities.
I will also have my therapist write a letter this week as well as my psychiatrist. again, my anxiety manifests physically and I get these stomach problems (worst was when it lasted daily for 18 months). then the stomach problems, when they become chronic, I get panic attacks.
I am doing very well now physically and mentally and haven't had any episodes for at least 7 months. social services spoke to the dr. and again, their finding were unfounded as I'm not a "nut case".
so basically all h and his attorney have are these journal entries that h STOLE after I caught him with the affair.
I'm a good mother. this has been hard on d5. h's lawyer had the NERVE to say that d5's behavior (she's been acting up in school, etc) is due to the fact that the "good parent" being h isn't here to basically "supervise". I'm paraphrasing ,but that was the gist. uh, no, he's acting up because the life she knew, with BOTH mommy and daddy has changed and she's only 5 and doesn't understand.
I get the fall out after h has her for the weeekend. they have fun and games and then I have to deal with her not wanting to go to school, get on the bus, crying at night because she wants to know when daddy is coming home, etc.
my fear is that she has always been a "daddy's girl" so to speak and I'm scared that the advocate will think he's "better for her".
What infuritates me the most is that when h dropped bomb in feb, custody was NEVER an issue, NEVER until I wouldn't let him in the house 2 weeks ago. Now suddenly he's "very concerned", called social services, etc.
he's coming today to bring d5 for a "visit". I can't believe this. they won't let her come home until the advocate speaks with her and that won't be until friday.
I'm so scared over this. you guys on this board have been so helpful. I haven't seen her for 10 days as h "kidnapped" her basically (the court doesn't see it that way as we didn't have a formal agreeement).
And the best part is, I filed for divorce this week because h wants it so badly and we had to file motions (to get car back, 401 money, set boundaries, many other things) and filing for d is part of that process. and f'ing h is lucky because my dad paid for the whole thing. we spend 2 WHOLE days with attny doing all the paperwork, etc.
so, he has ow, has his "freedom", out of the hosue and now may get d. I hate him so much right now it isn't even funny.
I feel like he's won. And he's so f'ing smug about it too.
I don't know how to link my old thread to this one, but just a brief summery. i have d5 monday through friday and h has her on weekends. about 2 weeks ago, he came over to the house once again (d was at daycare) to do his usual thing of staying for hours, clean, berate me for the house not being perfect (he has ocd issue), etc. I was told the next time he does this to calmly call police to have them tell him to get what he needs and go.
I did this and he was furious. took my car keys and 2 days later took my car and put a for sale sign on it in the parking lot of work. my father came in to town to help me with the car, lawyer, etc. in the meantime, h took d5 to his parents in jersey and said that he was filing emergeny custody.
as many of you know, right after I found out about his affair (right before he movedout 2 months ago), he took my journals and photocopied sections of them that pertained to my depression last fall. he is now using the "mental health" card to get d.
he called social services on me and thank god, at hearing last friday, they found charges to be "unfounded". Then I had to sit there and listen to h's lawyer read quotes out of my private journal totally taken out of context. like, "I sometimes wish I could go back to nyc and not be a mom", "I don't think I'm a good mother", etc. It was a therapeutic writing excercize that my dr. gave me. I have anxiety issues that manifest phsysically and get stomach problems as a result. doing these writing exercises, gets everything "out of your body", so to speak and lo and behold, I got better (also on AD).
anyway we have another hearing on friday and both h and I will be interviewed by the child advocate and so will d5. I'm scared of course.
I took a really good action yestserday and called the dr. who is very well respected (he's and M.D. that also works with mind/body issues) and he said he GLADLY will write a letter explaining the writing excersize and that my "condition" has nothing to do with my cognitive or parenting abilities.
I will also have my therapist write a letter this week as well as my psychiatrist. again, my anxiety manifests physically and I get these stomach problems (worst was when it lasted daily for 18 months). then the stomach problems, when they become chronic, I get panic attacks.
I am doing very well now physically and mentally and haven't had any episodes for at least 7 months. social services spoke to the dr. and again, their finding were unfounded as I'm not a "nut case".
so basically all h and his attorney have are these journal entries that h STOLE after I caught him with the affair.
I'm a good mother. this has been hard on d5. h's lawyer had the NERVE to say that d5's behavior (she's been acting up in school, etc) is due to the fact that the "good parent" being h isn't here to basically "supervise". I'm paraphrasing ,but that was the gist. uh, no, he's acting up because the life she knew, with BOTH mommy and daddy has changed and she's only 5 and doesn't understand.
I get the fall out after h has her for the weeekend. they have fun and games and then I have to deal with her not wanting to go to school, get on the bus, crying at night because she wants to know when daddy is coming home, etc.
my fear is that she has always been a "daddy's girl" so to speak and I'm scared that the advocate will think he's "better for her".
What infuritates me the most is that when h dropped bomb in feb, custody was NEVER an issue, NEVER until I wouldn't let him in the house 2 weeks ago. Now suddenly he's "very concerned", called social services, etc.
he's coming today to bring d5 for a "visit". I can't believe this. they won't let her come home until the advocate speaks with her and that won't be until friday.
I'm so scared over this. you guys on this board have been so helpful. I haven't seen her for 10 days as h "kidnapped" her basically (the court doesn't see it that way as we didn't have a formal agreeement).
And the best part is, I filed for divorce this week because h wants it so badly and we had to file motions (to get car back, 401 money, set boundaries, many other things) and filing for d is part of that process. and f'ing h is lucky because my dad paid for the whole thing. we spend 2 WHOLE days with attny doing all the paperwork, etc.
so, he has ow, has his "freedom", out of the hosue and now may get d. I hate him so much right now it isn't even funny.
I feel like he's won. And he's so f'ing smug about it too.
MA--you can't really feel he's won. Believe me unless you do something totally STUPID then you don't really have anything to worry about.
Don't fight with him today. Today is about you spending time with your D. Today is not about YOU and HIM and the SITCH, it is about you spending time with your D. I hope you're meeting him at a neutral sight and not at your home.
Your H is so stupid and has done so much that he has made a case against himself. No judge anywhere would give your D to him unless you do something bad between now and the custody hearing.
Keep your cool. Your D is depending on you to do it.
Bullies are usually very smug until they get their a**es kicked. I'd say a judge up there is getting ready to jerk a knot in your H's ass.
I feel like he's won. And he's so f'ing smug about it too.
I told you to knock that off
He hasn't won. You need your 'as if' attitude.
Do you subscribe to any particular faith?
yeah, but there is PROOF that I had a hard time last fall. I went to the hospital for the panic attacks, the journals he stole, right after 9/11 (l didn't even know h then!) I was in the hospital for a weeek from anxiety. h has all this documented. but I am and have ALWAYS gotten help!! Always!!
h told me (we actually made a very mutual agreement the morning ofthe court date on friday to end the madness) and now he's saying that his lawyer has "concerns" about me. I've met his lawyer once for like 10 minutes!! Granted, I was stressed, we just got out of a hearing, but I wasn't a raving lunatic, for god's sake!!
I can't believe I have to fight for my kid when h is the one who tore our family apart in the first place with his affair and leaving us.
how much more can he hurt me??
he's on his way here with d (he's an hour late). I will try to be as nice as I can.
You really are determined to stay in a panic, aren't you.
He's trying to keep you there, so you have to go to the hospital again. You KNOW you CAN handle this, so suck it up and just do it. Even if you're acting.
ENJOY the time with your little girl.
Document that he's late.
You have nothing that shows that you would put your daughter at risk. He does.
THIS IS NOT DB ADVICE.
You may need to go for sole custody, and limit his visitation, because when the courts all show everything is unfounded, you may need to show that HE is vindictive and using your daughter as a pawn.
IF you find through HER that he has said things bad about you----------CALM DOWN. and WRITE IT DOWN. That's all you have to do.
Do NOT talk to him. Keep your daughter out of it. Play candyland or something.
btw--he may be making up what his lawyer said. But the more you two fight, the more money the lawyer makes. exponentially more.
Don't make concessions to him for money. You'll regret it later.
Beg and borrow elsewhere....not with him.
(we actually made a very mutual agreement the morning ofthe court date on friday to end the madness)
I sure hope you didn't buy this crap.
If he truly wanted to 'stop the madness', your daughter would be in your arms already. He makes me sick. STOP TALKING TO HIM!!!!!!!!!
Edited to say: Sorry if this was harsh, but if my H pulled *anything* kid related, I would/could never forgive him. Nor would I ever trust him again.
Maryangela
SG asked me to come over to your stitch. And since I respect SG, I think she knows in some way I can help you.
First I want to say, some things,
So, you have panic attacks, so what. Don't we all. I had one just last week. Makes us no less human honey.
You got a letter from a physician, and therapist showing you are receiving treatment. Good for you way to go. Don't see anything wrong with that. I go to therapy every week. Nothing wrong with that, has helped me put my mind straight that i am not this terrible person I believed I was in my head. Has helped me deal with anger and sadness. SO far you are doing things great.
The 9/11 issue, I lost three friends all PAPD officers, I live in NJ and look see the NYC skyline every day and you I never really look at it anymore. I hurts to for its not the same. But I have over time like you with journaling healed and truly mourned my friends who I lost so suddenly. I just up to a month ago could not listen to bagpipe music, it would send me into a panic for all it meant to me was saddness, I would just start to cry, first note played. I could not listen to the song going home. Until I meet a bagpiper, who opened my mind again to them. I know it sounds crazy but he told me the meaning of the song, and it had words to it believe it or not and the words are truly beautiful. I learned to trust something again.
You need to start trusting yourself, you can and will get thru this, with you head held so high.
My H made me feel so worthless for I could not have children, (multiple miscarriages and ectopic pregnancy) God blessed you with a D, find your strength in her and move on.
She is just three, and totally confused. If you really stop and think and took a survey of all the moms here, who have young children, they all have the same issue. The kids have a great time with other parent for there are no rules, they can do what they want eat what they want, etc. So when the time is done having fun, the other parent is left with having to get them back on schedule, back into routine. Be the so called task master. Who really pays the price, the child and the parent who has to reset the whole undoing of the other parent. (not bashing the other parent).
You are a good mom, the proof of it is in your heart and shows in your D.
You are giving up your control by letting your h make the rules. NO, stop it.
you need to make rules and boundaries. AND YOU CAN DO THIS. It has taken multiple 2x4's to the head from SG and others here for me to see it. Even though I don't have children with h, he was still having his cake and eating it too.
Go for sole custody, you can do this. SHOW HIM YOU ARE STRONG. SHOCK HIM, show him you are sooooooo much stronger than the ever, ever, ever thought.
Go right now and look in the mirror, and say, i am strong, i am beautiful, i can get thru anything that comes my way.
Believe me I never thought I was strong, never, it had taken time, but I am better than H, my head is held high, I am not looking at the floor anymore. I used to. I felt so lower than low a few months back, I actually thought I would take my own life for I had nothing to strive for to live for. Till I broke down, and then told myself this is not me, I picked my self up, dusted myself off, and now I stand up with my head held high. Knowing in my heart and head, I am doing what is right for me. Someone here told me I was being mentally abused by my H and you know she was right.
I am done being less than what my H thinks I should have been, could have been or wanted me to be. YOU need to do that to.
YOU can do this. YOU can, listen if I can so can you.
We will all be here with you step by step, ask us questions, vent to us, there are good people here, lean on us, and on other people your friends, go out go to a book store, take your D out for the day. Wrap you arms around her and happy times. for it may seem so dark right now, trust me, it gets better and brighter and the sun does shine again
hugs
bear
((((((Maryangela))))))
Lots of people have spent time in the hospital for things like anxiety, and not lost their kids. Don't worry about that! The fact that you got help is more likely a point in your favor!
As far as the parenting evaluator thinking H is a better parent based on what D5 says, don't worry about that! They know how a 5 year old's world is! They have heard all of this before. The only thing I can imagine they are looking from out of a 5 year old is signs of absolute abuse. The "Disney Dad" phenomenon is not going to sway them! And I'll bet they've seen a Daddy's girl before!
Don't talk to him, at all! He is still trying to manipulate you, and intimidate you. He is getting desperate, because you haven't given him his way. His lawyer can have all the "concerns" he wants, doesn't mean a thing. I wouldn't be really surprised if your lawyer can get anything in the journal thrown out, though I think with your doctor's letter the journal actually becomes more points in your favor. By the way, if there is another mom, or dad for that matter, who doesn't occasionally have the thought that they wish they'd never had kids, I'd like to meet them! I have a feeling it is universal!
you guys and you're caring is bringing me to tears. d5 is here watching a video with our neighbor so I have a few minutes.
she's been gone 10 days (as you know h didn't bring her back and took her to jersey with his parents who all hate me), anyway, when h dropped her off, he came in the house, that was fine, but what is really bothering me is that she was clinging to him and not wanting to hug me (she's always been a daddy's girl, but the minute he's gone,she sticks to me like glue). she didn't want him to go. h looks at me and in that f'ing smug face goes, "she's upset because she thinks she's staying here". like he's already been granted custody!!!!!!! I did exactly what you guys said and didn't respond. He said it right in front of her. I feel like she is being brainwashed.
How in the world can I win custody if she keeeps asking for daddy, daddy, daddy??? this is heartbreaking.
Ok, off I go. she's warming up to me, wants to sit on my lap now. but off course h can't see this and I'm sure he'll report that she "didn't want to be here".
MA,
Been following you sitch for a while. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine why your H is doing this. I have a D almost 5 and with everything my W has done I still want her in Ds life. In fact, W is hardly in Ds life much and I tell her to do stuff together.
Listen to what people have been telling your here....good advice and I don't see how H will win. Its so obvious he's using D and the courts will see through this.
Try to forget about this for now and enjoy your D!
She's 5 maryangela, she doesn't know what she wants and if she does, she certainly doesn't know how to express that. Who cares what he'll report? People here have told you this a lot of times, but the professionals who will be going over your case understand these things. They will take all the emotions out of the issue that you and your H cannot. They can spot a fake a mile off and their job is what is in the best interest of the child. You tell yourself that 6,000 times a day if you have to, but you MUST get yourself undercontrol. Level.
Now get off the computer, turn off the video and play with your daughter. Make cookies, get dirty gardening in the yard, play tag, go to the park. Do interactive things together so her time with you is time with you. You'll enjoy it and so will she!
Hey MA
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} First of all, good on you for not responding to his attitude. So no let him get to you and he will stop. A bully has to hve a willing victim. Remember this quote and take it to heart.
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. Eleanor Roosevelt.
DO NOT BE HIS VICTIM!!!!!
As for her asking for daddy, daddy, daddy--no shock there. Yo uahve already said that Daddy lets he do whatever she wants. The parenting advocate will see right through that.
As for her not wanting to be there---well, my son does not like to go to the nursery at church--until I am out of his line of sight. then he is the ring leader for all the fun that they do there. She is playing both of you--and yes, even at 5 she knows how to play you. She already knows when she goes to daddy's, while living with you, that it is party central. Now that she has been with Daddy for a few days, she is going to see what she can get out of you. This is probably complicated by her spending time with a set of over-indulgent grandparents.
STOP FREAKING OUT!! All you do is add fuel to his fire. Do not give him the weapons he needs. Speaking negative in the world ensures it will be returned to you. Speak only positive.
Now, do I need to pick up a bigger stick, or is some of what everyone has been telling you starting to sink in????
SMW
Just do the same things you've always done and reassure her.
omg, he just came back and said that he has to stay here because there's nothing for him to do until 4pm. I said ok, then he went upstairs and started taking stuff. I went up there and politely said that it's making me uncomfortable that you are here. if you want to be here, let's watch a movie or something,(it's raining), but you can't walk around here while I'm trying to be with my daughter after 10 days and you're looking for stuff to take.
so he gets pissed, gives me the finger. basicallly tells me I'm getting nothing and that he's "got full custody". I admit, I DID say back (didn't yell), well, you're not the judge, I don't remember hearing the judge say that.
THEN, he leaves. I found out the REAL reason why he was an hour late. he and ow and her daughter all went together to get the girls haircuts!! I'm so pissed.
Ok, back to d. help me, help me....
MA
You should have told him no. he cannot just hang here till 4pm, cause he has nothing to do.
You should have closed the door. and gone back to play with your daughter.
If he persisted, call 911. don't tell him you are going to call just call. He has had his time with her,
ENOUGH Honey! Its time to go into the closet and put you big girl pants on, and stand up. . . tell him no! Stop letting him control you like a puppet, go and get the scissors and cut the strings.
So, just document why he was late. Give the information to your lawyer in reguards to custody if your D. Show the judge and lawyers that he is not trustworthy, he is irresponsible he is not keeping to agreed times for pick up and drop off.
Don't let him get to you. I have a new thought process with reguards to all that my h is doing to me. Everything he is doing with ow to me I let roll off me like a duck.
STAND UP MARYANGELA for yourself, STOP letting him in. STOP letting him make you so angry and upset. When you feel out of control STOP and take some deep breaths, and let go.
SHOW HIM, SHOW HIM YOUR STRENGTH, ITS THERE BELIEVE ME, OPEN YOUR EYES YOU WILL SEE IT. YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIM!!
Sorry if I seem hard. Hate to see someone so down and out on them selves. Hurts,
(((hugs)))
Bear
Take the advice that people are giving you here and embrace it, live it, let it become you. The situation sucks, so true, but it is what it is and here is where you step up and be the adult. Show your daughter, by example, how to deal with adversity and bullying. Be strong, stand up for yourself and your D and start to lead your life instead of just following what that lout of a husband of yours is throwing at you.
Become a stone. A duck's back. Whatever he throws at you rolls off. Do not show emotions in your face except for the politest of smiles. Then when you don't have your daughter, dig into a a pint of ice cream, cry and scream. Do whatever you have to do so the rest of the time you are on the level.
Above it all, all the time, be your D's Mom. Love her, don't overcompensate, enjoy her and let her see you as you are and not what H and his family might be saying you are. Go give your daughter a big hug and ask her to color you a picture. Color her one back.
I know you guys, but the last time I "stood up for myself", a week ago friday and told him not to come into the house, he TOOK MY CAR KEYS, THEN TOOK MY CAR AND IS NOW TRYING TO TAKE D5!!!! Don't you guys get it??? He plays mean and he plays dirty. I can't win. I know, 2z4's but look where "sticking up for myself" got me last time? now I have a "visitation with d". (not really, it's not an order, just something our lawyers agreed on until the hearing. In reality I could legally keep her here. He said, "do it, then I'll get custody for sure". He scaring the [censored] out of me. I can't beat him. He's got too much on me. the anxiety/depression crap, my journal entries, some a** at d's school said she wore the same outfit a couple days in a row (not true).
I'm realizing that he wants custody also so that he won't have to pay child support and just cut me out of his and d's life. done.
I think you should consider having your L file a restraining order.
The parenting evaluator is going to see right through all the antics that are going on. Your H talking about custody issues in front of your D is not right.
Look at this list of the worst parenting mistakes a divorcing parent can make and determine which ones your H is doing. Likewise, make sure you are not making any of these mistakes...
1 - Leaning on your child for support during this time of pain in your life is unhealthy and inappropriate. Children can not help their parents through the adult task of mourning the loss of a marriage! And loyalty issues will leave a child feeling guilty for siding against a parent or possibly disproportionately angry at a parent for leaving him with this burden. This is the time to lean on family and friends so you are strong enough to allow your child to lean on you.
2- You should never speak badly about your ex to or in front of the children. Although it may be difficult, it is not healthy for the children to take on your adult issues, even if they directly relate to the child. As a common example, a parent should not share with a child whether or not the other parent is paying child support, how much child support or when the child support doesn't come in no matter how tempting it may be. Because your child shares flesh and bone with your ex, any criticism of your ex will also feel like a criticism of the child and will erode his or her self esteem. This is never healthy and is certainly not productive.
3 - Treating your child like a buddy and relating to him or her as a peer is a common change that occurs after some divorces. While it may be tempting to commiserate with your child since you have both lost something important in your lives, your losses are different. Your child is not a mini-adult!
4 - Mothers of sons and fathers of daughters should be particularly careful that they do not put their oldest child into the position of "replacement spouse", "man of the house", "woman of the house", etc. Children need to feel like children and feel the security of knowing their parent can and will take care of all adult responsibilities.
5- Spoiling your child in order to divert his grief or pain is not a healthy way of dealing with his pain or yours. If you are the parent who has moved away from your child, you may have an even larger temptation to fight off since your time together will be so limited now. It feels important to make that time memorable to your child and what child doesn't love new toys? But more than toys, a child needs to feel stable and safe. This can be obtained through parenting "as usual", despite the changing life around you all. No child wants a toy to replace a parent.
6 - Transferring your hostile feelings about the divorce or your ex onto your child is unhealthy, at best. Many children already feel like divorce is their fault when, of course, it never is. Although your child shares blood and genes with your ex, whom you may resent and despise, the child did not choose for any of this to happen.
7 - Never discuss parenting time, custody or child support issues in front of the kids. This means no discussions during routine transfers of the children from one home to the other. It means no cell phone conversations with your children sitting in the back seating listening in. It means waiting until they go to bed or are out of the area before making phone calls to discuss adult issues. You probably felt it was important not to argue in front of your children when you were still married with your ex. This is just as important now that you are divorced! Even if you can discuss issues civilly, children should not be privy to them. It is far too common for children to overhear these discussions and feel as if they are the cause of the issue or they are a burden to one parent or the other. Children do not like to feel like a business transaction!
8 - Alienating a child from the other parent is an all-too-common, often subconscious tactic that parents may use during or after a divorce. Alienating is a form of brainwashing where one repeatedly insists, to the child, that facts and feelings exist between the other parent and the child until the child begins to agree, whether true or not. When alienated long enough, children may resist any bond with the other parent and that parent may, out of frustration and hopelessness, sever ties with the child. This is the worst no-no any divorcing parent can commit and it has a name: Parental Alienation Syndrome.
9 - Putting your child in the middle is one of the most common divorce no-no's. Asking your child questions about the other parent or time spent with the other parent, or asking your child to relay questions and information between parents are all harmful methods of putting the child in the middle. Parents should always communicate all issues privately between themselves and any questions or concerns about the other parent's home or situation should be directed at the parent, not the child.
10 - Never put your child in the position of choosing. Most states have statues that require a child to be almost an adult before being capable of choosing where they want to live. Some states never allow the child this choice. This is because a child has natural healthy loyalty toward both parents. Being asked to make any choice between parents - whether the choice is who has custody or whose house the child wants to spend Christmas at - puts the child in the awkward position of shifting their loyalty away from one parent in favor of the other. This can leave them feeling guilty, resentful, angry and sad.
11 - Don't make your child's special occasion an opportunity to focus on your marital resentment or hostility. Let your child's birthdays, holidays, school performances, dance recitals and sports events all be opportunities to focus on your child and how proud you are of your child. This is not the time to discuss parenting time issues, child support issues or to berate each other or ex-relatives. If you question your ability to be polite or civil, consider taking turns at special events or limiting your attendance. Often times, though, events will be large enough for parents to both attend at opposite ends of the room, leaving the child to interact freely with both sides of the family without fear of disruption or drama.
12 - Although going through a divorce can make a parent feel emotionally needy, this should not be shared with your child through action or word. A child who feels a parent's neediness too much will begin feeling guilty or fearful of leaving the parent when it is time to spend time with the other parent. In some situations, children can feel so guilty that they no longer feel good about leaving the parent at all, even to go to school or to play at a friend's house. This is a huge burden to cast on a child.
Mary,
If he were sure that he could get custody, he would not be standing in your house giving you the finger. He is baiting you. He is trying to get you to act out, or put you in the hospital. Standing up to him just means going along through life like a good mother. It means not reacting to his pushing. He was up there messing around just to get you angry. He wanted to get a reaction from you. Unfortunately for him, it was not strong enough. He wants to throw you into a panic attack and send you to the hospital. Just write down everything that he does and give it to your attorney. The attorney is your protection. He will do your fighting for you.
Let D5 go back with him until Friday. The agreement will be worked out soon. Then things will be in writing. And yes, he is trying to get custody to save money. He could even try to get you to commit suicide if he thinks you could be suicidal. He is not a good person. If you ever get the chance, you should thank OW for taking him away from you. You will have a better life when this is over.
I know you guys, but the last time I "stood up for myself", a week ago friday and told him not to come into the house, he TOOK MY CAR KEYS, THEN TOOK MY CAR AND IS NOW TRYING TO TAKE D5!!!! Don't you guys get it??? He plays mean and he plays dirty. I can't win.
That's why you will win, in the end. you just have to be patient, and let it play out. That stuff is going to bite him in the rear! He is scaring you, but he can't scare the judge!
I know, 2z4's but look where "sticking up for myself" got me last time?
It got you to where he is losing the power he thinks he has over you, that's where it has gotten you. He is getting desperate, all you have to do is be quiet!
now I have a "visitation with d". (not really, it's not an order, just something our lawyers agreed on until the hearing. In reality I could legally keep her here. He said, "do it, then I'll get custody for sure".
Based on what? If that was the case, you'd get custody, since he didn't bring her back last week! He is all bluster, and talk. Just wait. His bubble will be burst.
He scaring the [censored] out of me. I can't beat him. He's got too much on me. the anxiety/depression crap, my journal entries, some a** at d's school said she wore the same outfit a couple days in a row (not true).
He's got NOTHING on you! The fact that you have been treated for depression and anxiety isn't going to hurt you. you got the help you needed! The journal (if he can even use it) isn't going to count against you. And plenty of kids wear the same clothes to school day after day! And it didn't happen!
He is being a bully. Listen, just because he says something doesn't make it true! Not even close! He is trying to scare you, and you are letting him. You can control your reaction. Look at it like an outsider would, the judge is going to struggle not to laugh at him! Make sure your lawyer knows everything, and keep quiet yourself!
((((((maryangela)))))
I'm realizing that he wants custody also so that he won't have to pay child support and just cut me out of his and d's life. done. [/quote]
Alright Mary first a hug... (((Mary)))
Now, 2x4 time.
Do you enjoy this panic and drama? It sure seems like it. You do a LOT to keep yourself spinning totally out of control, and not a whole lot to stop yourself. (step #1 stop listening to your H, and when you do have to listen, don't believe a word of what he says).
Cut it out.
Don't you guys get it??? He plays mean and he plays dirty. I can't win.
YOU are the one who is not "getting it" right now Mary. He is not "the law," he does not get to make these decisions. You are taking every single thing he says as "THE TRUTH" and "THE WAY IT'S GOING TO BE."
Unless he's going to do something COMPLETELY stupid and illegal and truly kidnap her - but assuming he will follow the law, he is not the one who makes custody / legal decisions.
Let your lawyer deal with it. It's his job. He's good at it.
CALM DOWN, be kind and loving to your daughter.
Make your H leave so you can enjoy your time with her.
Everyone else has said everything I wanted to say and much more eloquently.
((((Mary))))
ok, ok, I totally get what you guys are saying. what is scaring me though is that d5 has always been "daddy's girl", adores her father. it's always been this way. and NOW that he has basically had her for the past week and a half (along with his parents) she was really distant from me when he first came and said, "she doesn't want to be here' and of course, she warmed up to me when he left, but kept asking me when he was coming home. we actually had a loving time together. drawing and singing, etc.
I'm just afraid that when the advocate speaks to her, she will do the 'daddy, daddy" thing and of course, when the advocate interviews h, he will emphasise that -- "my daughter always asks for me, doesn't want to go home last time I took her there",etc. how do I compete against that????
I'm just afraid that when the advocate speaks to her, she will do the 'daddy, daddy" thing and of course, when the advocate interviews h, he will emphasise that -- "my daughter always asks for me, doesn't want to go home last time I took her there",etc. how do I compete against that????
You don't have to. That kind of thing isn't going to have a thing to do with it. If that's all it took, all the Disney Dads would have custody, and that's not the case! She's five, her opinion on parenting isn't going to carry a lot of weight!
You are borrowing a lot of trouble, he's got nothing!
dry-heat -- thank you for the response. what do you mean I am "borrowing alot of trouble"? just want to understand what you are saying.
You are looking for trouble where there isn't any! You are worried that because your D like your H (a good thing) that the judge is going to give her to him. It just doesn't work like that, especially at 5! Take care of yourself, and D5 this week, let your lawyer worry about lawyering, and you'll be ok! Try to let go of the stress, it doesn't help you!
Again - YOU ARE NOT GETTING IT.
Your H has been acting like a controlling, obsessive lunatic for awhile now, and very dramatically the last few weeks. YOU may choose to believe everything he tells you if you want. I think it's a horrible idea but whatever... your choice.
But the COURTS will not believe everything he says, and they sure as heck won't let him dictate everything.
Your lawyer is telling them all the crazy stuff he has done right? Let it go - let them deal with it.
what is scaring me though is that d5 has always been "daddy's girl", adores her father.
And you want her to, what, hate her Dad????
when he first came and said "she doesn't want to be here"
I sincerely doubt the child advocate is going to assume your H has any magical mind reading powers.
and of course, she warmed up to me when he left, but kept asking me when he was coming home. we actually had a loving time together. drawing and singing, etc.
Great!!! I'm glad to hear this. It's something good she'll have in mind when she talks to the advocate.
She has got to be completely freaked out. Her whole world is falling apart and then to top it off her Dad took her away from her Mom with no warning. Don't you think maybe she's feeling really insecure about BOTH of you abandoning her?? I'm sure she's probably really scared. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that when she's with your H she's asking when she's going home to Mommy, or when she'll see Mommy.
She has no security right now. Makes total sense to me that she'd ask for him (and, most likely, vice versa.)
I'm just afraid that when the advocate speaks to her, she will do the 'daddy, daddy" thing
So?? Do you really think they are that stupid?
and of course, when the advocate interviews h, he will emphasise that -- "my daughter always asks for me, doesn't want to go home last time I took her there",etc. how do I compete against that????
Your H wasn't there hearing her ask when he was coming home, so the first part doesn't even make any sense unless you're TELLING him that. In which case, stop it. Don't talk to him any more than absolutely necessary.
As for how to compete:
By not acting like a controlling obsessive psycho, the way your H is.
By being a good Mom, remaining calm and happy and loving during your time with your D.
By doing what you need to do to get stable, and in control of those things that you CAN control.
By not believing a single word that comes out of your H's mouth. When you don't believe it, it should have much less impact on you.
(((Mary)))
Maryangela,
Do you subscribe to a faith? What do you do for self care?
sg
There is no wrong answer, just trying to help guide you to an inner peace and calm.
nik -- I know you're right, but this is completely scary. have you ever had social services up your a8**?? it's terrifying!! I'm being made to be this terrible mom and you're right,I DO buy into h's smugness and arrogant demeanor. like it's gospel. I DO have to remain calm, ESP. in front of the judge. lesson learned, for sure.
Some positives you have going for you in your 'fight':
When you have anxiety, you lean on a doctor who has given you tools (like your journal) which leaves you BETTER equipped than someone who just picks up the daughter and takes off.
You use these tools and see they work. You are better equipped, therefore to help your daughter in times of stress.
You weren't afraid to go to the hospital, you knew when you needed a time out.
You are honest and straightforward.
YOU have built relationships with teachers to help your daughter. They inform you when there is an issue and you work with them to resolve or minimize it.
If you still have her, spend your time with her. Get back to us later.
you guys have all been wonderful to me today. I can't even walk past d's room without crying. this actually hurts WAY more than when he dropped bomb and I found out about affair. I wouldn't take him back if the world depended on it. I know, not a db thing to say, but I see something evil in this person now and it's actually frightening.
He's abusive, not taking him back is perfectly DB! Don't worry about that, take care of yourself!
(((Mary)))
I wouldn't take him back if the world depended on it.
After all he's done - I think you would receive the mother of all 2x4's from every single one of us if you DID say you were taking him back.
Most important DB principle is take care of yourself.
((maryangela))
I want you go to the top of this page, and your post from 5:25pm today.
I want you to take a few deep breaths, clear your mind and re-read that post.
Honey, In your mind you are being made out to be this terrible person. Yes your h is pushing your buttons, trying to make you out to be this horrible person. Which you are not.
YOU need to believe you are not. You are allowing h to control you, He is putting you into a panic mode over the social workers.
Look the professionals who will deal with your case do not take one side and one side only, so your 5 year old loves her daddy. Good they should love their daddys.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT SHE LOVES HER MOMMY TOO. You are not there when she with him, you don't know she is not asking for your even crying for you.
The child advocate who will work the case does not just listen to what a 5 year old has to say. Let the professionals do their work, you are doing nothing wrong.
Stop listening to him. NOW! shut him out humm a tune in your head. Pretend he sounds like the teacher from charlie brown, wah wahh wa wahh.
Keep control of yourself and your emotions. He is pushing your buttons he wants you to freak out and cry and carry on. Push you over the edge. But you know what you are not budging anymore. Your are a wall of concrete. You won't cry in front of him anymore. You will not cry in front of your D anymore. You will keep it together. Cry in private, in your shower in the am, or in your car. When no one can see you.
I cried every day when my h told me he was having an affair, and wants to divorce me to spend the rest of his life with the woman he now loves and her children. I have not cried in a long time, over him. Other things yes, over h no more.
Take him back, are you kidding I agree with NicB, we would all be standing here with 4x8's.
He is a bully and he is verbally abusing you. let your lawyer do the work, Your job is to love you D, and keep you head up high.
SHOW HIM AND ALL OF US HOW STRONG YOU ARE.
YOU CAN DO THIS
Believe in your heart, you are a good person, with a good sole. You will come thru this stronger than you will ever believe.
For that is happening to me now. I am stronger than i ever thought I could ever be. One step at a time. for this is my now.
Do you do any kind of exercise or relaxation techniques, they will help more than you would ever believe.
Hugs
bear
Mary,
I am reading the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is a good book that a lot of people are reading now. I just came upon a quote that made me think of you. The author is trying to do something that is difficult for her, and she is very frustrated with her inability to suceed at this task, when she can look around and see everyone around her doing it with no problem. She says:
"I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said - that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead."
This is what your husband is counting on from you. He counts on you falling apart. You must not do it. Your victory will come from having patience, straightening your spine and standing tall, and trusting in the system. You will succeed if you do this. But if you fall apart, like he thinks you will, then you will have trouble achieving your goals.
bravo Sara
Take that quote to heart MA
thanks guys today for all your support. I'm going to really try hard this week to remain CALM and not give in to h's fear tactics. this will be hard, I know.
as my lawyer says when I tell him something h says to me, "Mary, are you green?" at first I didn't get the joke, but when I say, "no", he laughs. "so if your husband tells you you are the color green, would you believe him?" lol
h has a way of pushing just the right buttons. and I DO think his latest actics are due to his own fears of the consequences of his actions (affair, leaving d and me). I think he literally believed he could walk away from here with minimal impact. I can remember when he first dropped the bomb, 15 minutes later telling me that he assumed I would go back to the city and basically what he would do is give me first and last months rent on an apt. as if he didn't have any other responsibilties to the marriage ending.
the motion lawyer gave him on friday MUST have put him over the edge. he told me today that he won't be complying with most of it. I calmly said, tell it to your lawyer and have your lawyer call mine. that was it.
he ALSO said, "see the car out there?" (he "gave" me our 4 year old suburu and bought a new one a month ago), "that's not a gift, you will have to owe me for half of it".
I said, "really? my dad just spent 5 grand in legal fees so you can have your divorce. I think we're even". after that he said nothing.
god, I'm dreading friday.
Strength will serve you much better than fear and trembling.
Bullies bow to those who stand strong against them.
Truth, honor, integrity, and strength will slay the meanest and toughest bully out there.
The bully wins when we allow his intimidation to revert us to a state of weakness.
If your own self worth is not enough to compel you to be strong, surely your daughter is worth enough to cause you to put aside this weakness and trembling.
Always do what is right. Always take the high road. Refuse to enter into a war of words. The bully will often use angry words to force into a behavior that he can use against us. You have to be wiser than the bully, recognize the trap, and refuse to play that game.
Refer everything possible to the lawyers. This is not a man that you will EVER be able to reason with. The man you fell in love with is, at least temporarily, gone. Do not allow your past feelings for him to falsely convince you that he deserves your compassion or the benefit of the doubt.
Make no mistake, this is now a battle. But you are on the side of what is right.
Blessings,
Bill
I like the part where you calmly told him to have his lawyer call your lawyer. And then the part about the car and the legal fees. You are a lot stronger than you allow yourself to believe you are.
Your husband thinks he's some kind of caveman who can hit a woman on the head, drag her to his cave, and then throw her away when he wants a new one. He will be introduced to the real world by the judge. And if he doesn't comply they will take it directly out of his paycheck before he gets it.
starting a new job today. dreading it. I don't know why I think I can't take care of myself. I've always worked, but we've been upstate now for almost a year and a half and i've basically been a stay at home mom.
I'm actually working with a from based in nyc (marketing online), but now that I REALLY have to take care of myself, it's scary. and of course, the first thing I thought of today when I woke up, is "I have to get Isabella up for school". well, she's not here. my heart sank.
I know I keep rambling with this, but it's so amazing to me that h could 1. drop bomb, 2. hide affair, 3. even have affair, 4. when I caught him red-handed, was awful about it, 4. moved out and now this!!! It's like he wants me to lose everything. he wants to destroy me. sorry I am sounding like a victim and I expect some 2x4's, but my confidence is a bit low here.
Morning Maryangela
Listen, you just have new day, new job butterflies. Its ok. Take a deep breath. You will be fine.
You know what, going back to work is probably the best thing for you, It will keep your mind off of what you think your h is trying to do to you. YOu will be thinking about all the new things you have to do in your new job. And all the new people you are going to meet.
Embrace it. For you never know what kind of friends you are going to make in this new job.
Its been over two years since h and I have been having problems and one year ago since he dropped the bomb on me about the affair. Not one day did I not get myself out of bed and go to work. I have only called out sick two days in the last two years.
My friends at work are like family to me, they make me laugh and keep me on my toes. There for me when i need a shoulder to cry on. Since I have been telling everyone that h and I are separated and getting a Divorce, they have been so much more supportive than I ever thought.
Take the high road Maryangela, not the low one. Be strong. Yes all the things you listed above hurt, I agree 100%. But you know what, you will begin to see the wrongs in all this.
You may think and you are letting yourself believe that he wants you to lose everything, destroy you. But you know what he will only be successful in that if you let me. Stand tall Maryangela, The more you show him what he is doing to you is getting to you, the more he is going to push you. Stand up, don't budge, start to learn to push back. Better yet, walk away from him, don't listen don't react to what he has to say. He starts again with the crap about the car, tell him really, well then that means you are entitled to half of the new car he bought.
Just remember everything in the marriage is split 50/50. Let that comment about the car run off you. Laugh at it. Listen he is going to have to pay child support to you and alimony how long have you been married? and what kind of job does he have? does he make more money than you!
These are all steps which you will take in time. Take it all one step at a time.
You need to take care of yourself first....
Have a wonderful new day at work. Tell us all about it later on!
hugs
bear
hi guys:
I'm feeling a little calmer. I'm getting my ducks in a row. I've got one letter from doctor and am in the process of getting other letters from psychiatrist and therapist.
I will NOT speak to h until wed when I see d and even then I will be quiet. I can promise you that.
you guys are right. I've totally been giving him my power and believing everything he says. he isn't the law. I haven't done anything to endanger my child and I hope and pray the advocate and judge see this and don't succumb to h's lies.
I feel lonely that d isn't here. she's my family. I can't fathom not having her. my I have to put my faith in god that things will work out.
Judges see this crap all the time. Your H's motives are transparent. His concern for his d5, not so much. Where was his concern when he put a lock on the thermostat? The judge will be angry with him.
I'm glad you are feeling calmer. You need to stay calm and keep your resolve to stop fighting with h. Your life truly depends upon it.
How's the new job going? Keep the faith...
I'm doing my best here. he said everything is 100 percent in my favor, but what he is concerned about is that when I heard those passages out of my journal taken out of context I DID have some reactions (like "what"? not loudly). he is concerned as social services was there that they may feel I can't "control myself". other than that he feels everything will be fine.
I know, not a db thing to say, but I see something evil in this person now and it's actually frightening.
There IS something evil about your H. I agree, you should be so busy saving yourself that you have no time to consider saving your marriage.
I'm doing my best here. he said everything is 100 percent in my favor, but what he is concerned about is that when I heard those passages out of my journal taken out of context I DID have some reactions (like "what"? not loudly). he is concerned as social services was there that they may feel I can't "control myself". other than that he feels everything will be fine.
Who is "he"? Your L?
As for the reactions.. do your best to keep that stuff under control but I think that's probably pretty normal. You're not a robot, you're going to have a reaction to things sometimes.
(((Mary)))
Good luck with the new job!! Focus on that this week, to help keep your mind off the hearing.
yes, "he" is my lawyer. I'm proud of myself in the sense that I got letters faxed today by everyone from dr, to therapist, etc. all really positive letters.
yes, I have to keep my reactions under control, I will wear a rubber band at the next hearing on my wrist and snap it when I feel like saying something out of turn.
Maryangela
((hugs))
Good for you, see, we told you! you can do this.
Try the rubberband thing, never thought of it myself, I used the stop sign technique. But hey if it works it works.
Way to go with the letters, see, you feel better knowing this part is done.
Look professionals from social workers to judges to child advocates see the stuff you h is trying to pull on you everyday. Most likely even worse than what you are going thru. So "snap" that rubber band and just remain calm and cool like a cucumber, let it roll off you like a duck.
Stand back and look at what he is doing, some day you will see what a real as*()e he is being. And you know what at some point in the future you are going to just laugh when you think about it. For you will take the high road, and you will be the one on top. With your head head perfectly high.
Yes you miss your D, and that is ok, she will be back with you soon. You will miss her even when he has his time with her. When he is with her it then becomes you time to GAL, go out, keep busy and time will just fly by till you angel is in you arms again giving mommy a great big kiss.
Stop worrying about that darn journal and what you wrote. He is trying to use it against you and he cannot. Let it go. The past is the past it happened a long time ago. Gosh if my h took my journals that i wrote post 9/11 yes he would think I should have been committed too. It is still a very painful part of my life but i have learned to make peace with it. Only I could just like you did.
Your h is grabbing a anything he thinks he can use against you. BUT remember this HE HAS NOTHING. Just a big man trying to push you around. Guess what Maryangela is not going to pushed around anymore she is going to stand her ground.
Start saying that to yourself!
hugs
bear
thank you gabbysmom and everybody. you guys have been amazing with your support.
I think I have done all I can for now (getting letters, etc). It's the "not knowing" that's killing me right now. and you're right. dbing for me is NOT about saving the marriage anymore. it's about saving ME and my daughter. I guess it's really time to grow up. I have to be strong for d. it's so painful, I just called h's place to say goodnight to d and she was busy playing (I could hear her in the background). I'm not blaming h, she genuinely didn't want to come to the phone as she was playing. I'm just so scared that she doesn't even miss me (she's always been VERY close to h) and that the court and the person interviewing her will see that. how can I compete to her unbelievable love for daddy?
but when we are alone, she sticks to me like glue. but no one sees that. how will anyone believe me?
Are you green, Mary?
(((((maryangela)))))
dry-heat -- love you -- so funny!
When you start to feel down, remember that!
I will dry-heat. just so scary, you know? one positive thing that has come out of all of this is that I DON'T want h back and I couldn't care less if he does or doesn't want me back. it's like a veil has been lifted from my eyes and I see that I was very unhappy with him for a LONG time. His inabiity to show me emotion or connect with me emotionally (above and beyond a guy thing). Lies that i know he's told me over the years, it's all coming together for me. he's never been there emotionally for me and now I understand what my therapist has been saying all along. I accepted "crumbs" from him. I thought as long as he paid the bills, was loving to d, responsible, he was a good husband. I pushed my own basic needs for a real partnership aside.
my therapist believes very stongly that this is what caused me my anxiety/depression last fall. not that he CAUSED it, but it amplified it. he was SO not there for me in any way; didn't want to talk about it. never wanted to understand what anxiety is about (I used to beg him to go to ONE session with my therapist so he could understand) and he always refused. didn't want to hear it.
I'm db'ing now for my own growth.
It's funny, the DAY he dropped initial bomb on me, I actually, in the morning (before he came home from work and dropped bomb) talked to our local Catholic preist for 2 hours!! I couldn't get in to see my therapist and I had to talk to someone. I was just so unhappy and felt so ALONE.
then of course, when he dropped bomb, I desperately wanted to "win" him back. that's what brought me to this site in the first place.
I don't need "crumbs". I need a real relatonship. I'm not asking for the most "sensitive, alan alda" type guy, but someone who isn't so shut down emotionally. he can't handle ANY kind of emotions/problems at all. well, emotions and problems are life and part of a real marriage. period.
I, when the dust clears, down the road, when I am healthier, will find a man who can at least talk about issues. I am seeing that thiswas a major need for me and he isn't capable of this. yuo can't change a person. al-anon/db 101.
I'm trying to find the good out of all this and it is definately making me grow up and take responsibility for myself. my own happiness.
as my dad said, I'm still young (is 39 young?), I look great (not bragging, but I look about 25, always been told this). I'm funny, smart, etc.
h was LUCKY to have me. one of his basic needs was that he needed space to be with his friends. I always gave him that. I was always secure and never made a fuss if he wanted to go out with friends. he has always said that he loved that about me.
I now just want d back. I guess all I can do is have faith, right?
Best post I've seen from you, maryangela!
I think you are going to be ok!
And, 39 is young, yes!
I agree. That post was perfect DB-for-maryangela.
I know you miss your D. I can't imagine. My heart goes out to you.
Be strong, maryangela. And when it comes to the business, let your lawyer be your guide.
good luck.
IMP
PS - bear is saying some good stuff.
Maryangela
(hugs)
I told you, or should I say we told you. You will get thru this you will see clearer.
That was a wonderful post and yes you are DBing. For you.
You will get your D back and soon, just hang on a little bit more.
Concentrate on you, go get your nails done, go get a hair cut. Do something for you.
You just assume your d does not miss you, like I said before, you don't know for you are not there all the other times she is asking for Mommy. which don't let you H fool you for one second that she does not ask for you. Bul&s(*^.
She asks for you and I will bet what little money I have saved she cries for you. You just don't know it cause you believe what h is telling you. I know it breaks you heart you think your d does not miss you or ask or want to talk to you. she is just 5. I bet not long after you got off the phone, she asked for you. want to bet?!
It will be ok, just deep breaths, we are all here with you and will take every step with you.
Remember hold that head up high.
hugs
bear
And thank you inmyplace!
I hope I am helping maryangela
I really do
hugs
bear
You're welcome, bear.
Good words always help. Keep it up.
IMP
slept ok, woke up with that same feeling, "gotta get d ready for school". then it hits me. she's not here. my god this hurts. so much worse than bomb or affair.
I've been reading a lot from my 12-step material (al-anon) and it's helping. I have no control over h's actions but I have control over mine. detach, love d, stop putting the focus on h, etc.
Thinking of you, so sorry about your mornings dosed with too much reality. Are you ok being away from her 5 days in a row, like you are about to agree with? I think that is way too long for a 4 yr old and her Mommy....
I haven't agreed to that yet. h and I last week had an agreement that she would go to day summer camp for July and part of august during the week and I would have her on weekends. then she would come home in august to start school and h would have her on weekends.
we both agreed to this, but since just wants advocate to interview d5, this has been put on hold.
god, Ihate this.
You're sounding a lot stronger Mary - so glad!!!
I can't imagine how much you must miss your D right now. I must say that even though I am CONFIDENT you will have her back soon, I think this is the worst thing your H has done, by far. They say time flies but I bet this week is dragging for you.
(((Mary)))
Keep that focus on you, and your new job. Friday will come soon.
when I called d at h's place last night, you should have heard how smug he sounded. "oh, she's playing right now, she LOVES the daycare here". I didn't even go there. I just asked if I could say goodnight to d.
he it literally acting like he's won. game over. I AM stronger, but it's still scary.
I feel like he just wants to destroy me totally. he's got ow (and her kid), now he "thinks" he has d (no child support to pay, hurt me more, etc) and he's got the divorce papers my dad payed for. I'm in anger right now so please forgive me when I say I f'ing hate him. but I'm proud of myself that I've been on my best behavior. I feel like every move I make in his presence in being monitered and wil be used against me.
but why is it all about ME?? what about HIM???? breaking up the family, having affair, LEAVING us!!!
so, if "lose" her during the week (school week), should I just go back to nyc? I can't stay in the huge house here upstate if she's not here. I was staying here because we own it and because we chose to put her in school here last sept. instead of dealing with the whole nyc school hell.
my life is really still in the city. my friends, al-anon meetings, my job is actually based out of the city, I don't know. I know I'm speaking negatively, but the "not knowing" is killing me and I have to figure out a way at least for the next few days to feel that life "could" go on if I do lose her during the week.
again, the one thing this has done for me is literally close any and all feelings (in the romantic sense) for h. yes, he is the father of my d, and I will always love him for that and he's been a good dad, for sure, but I can't be in a marriage with someone who is capable of what he has put me through, forget the past 4 months, just the past 2 weeks!!
I didn't even go there. I just asked if I could say goodnight to d.
Good job not taking the bait.
You did for sure hear her in the background right?
he it literally acting like he's won. game over.
So what? The way he's acting doesn't matter (well it does, but not in the way you think - it's going to bite him in the a$$, I'm pretty sure).
I feel like he just wants to destroy me totally.
It's probably more about him - he wants what he envisions as the perfect life and you're a bump in the road (not that you ARE, but that seems to be his feeling). I don't think it's about destroying your life so much as getting everything and everyone out of his way.
I feel like every move I make in his presence in being monitered and wil be used against me.
Good job, because you're probably right. If that's what it takes to keep you acting calm cool and collected, go with it.
but why is it all about ME?? what about HIM???? breaking up the family, having affair, LEAVING us!!!
You lost me here... what do you mean it's all about you?
As I've said before, I doubt they much care about the A and who left when deciding custody. But I don't understand what you mean on the "all about you" thing.
so, if "lose" her during the week (school week), should I just go back to nyc?
Don't even think this way, OK? Be confident that you're a good Mom and will have her back very soon. Wait until after Friday to make your next decisions. It's not a terrible idea to "fantasize" about your future without your H, but don't "wish" your D out of it just yet. It's good to be confident that your life will go on - keep your focus on that as much as you can.
again, the one thing this has done for me is literally close any and all feelings (in the romantic sense) for h. yes, he is the father of my d, and I will always love him for that and he's been a good dad, for sure,
Glad to hear this first part. It tells me you care about yourself enough to protect yourself from him.
Good Dad? Good dads don't kidnap their child, keep her from their mother, then make Mom out to be a monster, all to avoid child support. I hope that he is taking good care of her while she is with him, but I really have to question that good dad thing. Not worth dwelling on it but I just wanted to mention it.
I just spoke to social services (remember h called them using the mental health card). their concern is that I'm still using my psyciatrist from nyc and having my scripts called in here. the REASON is I CAN'T FIND A PSYCHIATRIST UP HERE!! there are very few and they have no openings!!!
Anyway, it looks like that is their last "concern". my therapist (not psychiatrist) will back up this fact.
god, i hate h. I feel like my world is spinning out of control.
I just spoke to social services (remember h called them using the mental health card). their concern is that I'm still using my psyciatrist from nyc and having my scripts called in here. the REASON is I CAN'T FIND A PSYCHIATRIST UP HERE!! there are very few and they have no openings!!!
Yet another reason that it's stupid of H to steal your car. Prevents you from getting to your necessary appointments. Point that out to your L OK? You ARE getting the care you need and he tried to prevent that.
Anyway, it looks like that is their last "concern". my therapist (not psychiatrist) will back up this fact.
Good deal.
one other thought - can your psychiatrist call your scrip in to one of those mail order pharmacies (i.e. Caremark) instead? It should be easy if it's a regular, ongoing prescription.
god, i hate h. I feel like my world is spinning out of control.
Focus on what you can control. What can you do today that you DO have control over, that would be positive for you? (an accomplishment at your job maybe? Some sort of pampering or taking care of yourself, or your home?)
I forgot to add - sounds like everything is going very well with social services. You'll be fine!! Just a few more rough days until this part is over and taken care of.
((Mary))
is it going well? I don't know nik -- he said the fact that I'm still getting my scripts from dr. in nyc is a "red flag". but I have TRIED to find someone up here to no avail.
I feel like I'm fighting for my life here.
Red flag just means that it is something that calls their attention to an item. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with that item. Document the doctors you have called trying to get appointments and what their responses were.
This is something that will blow over. It is not a big deal to drive a distance to see a doctor, unless that doctor is famous for writing prescriptions for pain killers or something unusual like that. People very often are loyal to an established physician and don't change if they don't need to see him often.
OK, NOW the next thing is h told them the story about 2 months ago when he was living at a condo with an older prof. from his school, I went to pick up d. I got in the area a little early and called from my cel. h acted wierd right away - like, "you can't come to the door!". the friday before we made an agreement that on his time with her he wouldn't have her around ow as it was too confusing so early in the game here and he agreed.
when I got there, he was obviously hiding something and was blocking a bedroom door. someone was in there. I did get angry. I didn't throw anything or punch anyone but Idemanded that the door be opened.
anyway, when that was getting nowhere, I took d5 and left. I know, not my finest moment, but he obviously broke our agreement and I was angry.
he "claimed" he filed a police report, but I never heard from the police.
so I had to explain the whole freakin' story to social services. why the f am I on trial here???? I'm so sick of this. h is pulling out everything he can. that's what lawyer told me.
And so your crime is.....what? Going to pick up your daughter? Walking into the apartment after he opened the door? Asking him to open a door? Where is the crime?
He needs to get a life. Anyway, if the police didn't investigate it, they didn't see a crime. He is just a troublemaker.
It's simple. Your H is deperate to be in control, and for once, you are not letting him. So, he is trying to manipulate you any way he can. Stand firm Mary! It isn't going to be hard for Social Services, and the judge, to see what he is doing. They've seen it before.
Are you green, Mary?
I love that you remember the "green" comment from my lawyer!! thank you for that. h is obviously trying to make me out to be a nut case. lawyer told me to stop talking to social services, they have enough info. so I will stop. we have the hearing on friday, but it doesn't look like social services will be done by then. so more waiting, I guess.
I can't believe h is playing so down and dirty. I hope the judge can see the obvious. if he was so concerned with my "mental state" why did he leave BOTH me and d5 when he left? that's what my lawyer keeps coming back to.
And I am sure he will remind the judge, too.
I know I need to calm down, but it's so hard. my lawyer said that is the key, for me to be calm.
I just miss d so much. she's my family, my life. guys, I need all your prayers here.
That's absolutely right Mary - stay calm.
I was afraid he'd throw that incident back in your face, that's the reason I've been emphasizing "stay calm!" ever since then. I wish it hadn't happened in front of your D. Nothing you can do about it now though, and as Sara says, if there were anything to investigate the police would've done so.
It is not a big deal to drive a distance to see a doctor, unless that doctor is famous for writing prescriptions for pain killers or something unusual like that.
Sara - very good point. I work with a number of people who've been relocated from an office about 3 hours away, and MANY of them work from the other office every so often for doc appointments (one even continues to travel to see her hairdresser!). It's not unheard of or even all that unusual.
you're scaring me nik! I can't take this anymore. I feel so terrified. I KNOW I'm a good mother. HOw would ANYONE react going through this? from the bomb, to the affair, to leaving, now this??? I've actually been in excellent mental shape for d (except for that incident) and no one is questioning h's psycho behavior. I"m only human. I'm doing the best I can here.
It was painful enough losing h but I never broke down in front of her and never said an ill word to her about her dad. I have comforted her, been a rock. this I can honestly say. I am the one who has found therapy for her, not h. I've been the one who picks up the pieces when daddy leaves for the week. but no one sees this.
No no no - I didn't mean to scare you! I was just saying that's why I'm emphasizing (and so is your L) the need to remain calm. That's all. You've been doing a great job of it since then, and no way are they going to base the decision on ONE incident that happened in an extremely stressful situation.
no one is questioning h's psycho behavior.
I hope you're kidding!! Your L is not bringing all this stuff up to the social worker, and the judge?????
I am the one who has found therapy for her, not h.
Again... I hope you're kidding about them not seeing this!
PLEASE tell me you and your L are documenting this stuff and telling the social workers and the judge. The work you've done with her teachers, the therapy, all of that. And now that I think about it didn't the school C seem like your H was a bit off his rocker when you met with her? Can the social workers talk to her and get her take??
my lawyer has been practicing for 43 years and has heard all of this before. he says the judges, etc. have heard all of this before. h is grasping at anything and everything.
i just feel so out of control. I am a very pro-solution person and it's hard for me to sit back and do nothing. but that is exactly what I've told to do until friday. just be calm.
i will see d tomorrow (and h) and I will be calm. I'm not giving him more ammunition, believe me. I feel like I'm living a nightmere and I feel like I'm being abused, no kidding.
i thought h would be "smart enough" not to ever go here. he NEVER questioned that I would have custody during the week until 2 weeks ago when I wouldn't let him in the house. this is pure relatiation.
I just want my d back. I want my life back. I want to feel relief again and enjoy life. before this happened 2 weeks ago I was beginning to feel optimistic about the future. school, accepting that h isn't for me, exitement about new possibilities, being a great mom for d.
look where standing up for myself got me.
maryangela, standing up for yourself is getting you out of his control. It's a good thing!
Listen to your lawyer, he is taking care of you!
my lawyer has been practicing for 43 years and has heard all of this before. he says the judges, etc. have heard all of this before. h is grasping at anything and everything.
I sincerely hope he is telling them all of the stuff your H is doing even though they've "heard it all before." You're right, he is grasping for things. And you have some VERY solid crazy behavior on his part that you can point to.
(((Mary)))
It's tough to see it but this IS doing something. Look how much work it takes - it's doing something.
I feel like I'm being abused, no kidding.
Because you are - your H is absolutely emotionally abusing you right now. Probably has been for a long time now.
i thought h would be "smart enough" not to ever go here. he NEVER questioned that I would have custody during the week until 2 weeks ago when I wouldn't let him in the house. this is pure relatiation.
Maybe, maybe not. It could be that he finally realized how much child support was going to cost, or OW pushed him to do this, or family influence, or who knows what else. Don't blame yourself for his psycho actions, they are not your fault.
before this happened 2 weeks ago I was beginning to feel optimistic about the future. school, accepting that h isn't for me, exitement about new possibilities, being a great mom for d.
((((Mary))))
Good!! You'll get back here again. And I think it will be VERY soon once the custody mess is over, since you were already starting to get there. You know you have it in you. Calm and patience, you'll get there. Look how much has changed since 2 weeks ago. Look 2 weeks ahead and realize how much more will have changed (and I truly believe, for the better).
look where standing up for myself got me.
Oh please. I'm not buying this, and I sure hope you quit buying it. What's your alternative? Living as a doormat under the control of an abusive man who yanks you around at every whim?? Teaching your daughter that's how a man should treat you???
I know I need to calm down, but it's so hard. my lawyer said that is the key, for me to be calm.
I just miss d so much. she's my family, my life. guys, I need all your prayers here.
Your lawyer said it and we have said it.
Just do it. Put your mind somewhere else.
We're praying
my lawyer has been practicing for 43 years and has heard all of this before. he says the judges, etc. have heard all of this before. h is grasping at anything and everything.
i just feel so out of control. I am a very pro-solution person and it's hard for me to sit back and do nothing. but that is exactly what I've told to do until friday. just be calm.
i will see d tomorrow (and h) and I will be calm. I'm not giving him more ammunition, believe me. I feel like I'm living a nightmere and I feel like I'm being abused, no kidding.
i thought h would be "smart enough" not to ever go here. he NEVER questioned that I would have custody during the week until 2 weeks ago when I wouldn't let him in the house. this is pure relatiation.
I just want my d back. I want my life back. I want to feel relief again and enjoy life. before this happened 2 weeks ago I was beginning to feel optimistic about the future. school, accepting that h isn't for me, exitement about new possibilities, being a great mom for d.
look where standing up for myself got me.
knock it off.
How has your day gone OTHERWISE? How was work? Did you work out? Do you have any fun friends?
How has your day gone OTHERWISE? How was work? Did you work out? Do you have any fun friends?
What she said.
Maryangela
Listen to NikB and SG
Stop putting yourself down. Look where standing up for yourself has gotten you. Are you kidding me. So would you just rather just go into a corner and rock back and forth and cry. NO you are strong, you will get up, wipe your face, and do this for your D and for you.
Yes, honey you are being abused, you can stop it and you are stopping it. The more you show him how much he upsets you and sets you off into these tail spins of self loathing and worthlessness is just like him putting his hands on you.
Abuse is abuse, verbal or physical. You know the stronger and taller you stand there more he loses his power and control over you. So I say this again , and i will keep saying it maryangela
STAND UP! You are a strong woman, STAND UP TO HIM.
The taller and stronger you stand, the more he loses.
You can do this you know how to stand up to him. Just don't give into him.
You cannot see the effect of you being calm and quiet and not getting into with him, makes him more out of control, for he is not controlling you. Cut the strings, let go.
Be Maryangela, be yourself. Be a mom. Be the warm and wonderful person we all know you are. Be a loving person. Show your h, your life will go on. I know this has to be so hard for you for not having your D right now. But that is the key word, right now. That will change very soon.
Just keep being the loving person you are. Take a friend out to dinner, rent a funny movie, put your ipod in your ears and sing on the top of your lungs. Go to a book store, go to a dollar store and buy some chalk and bubbles and give them to your d when she comes home this weekend and use them.
Shut him out show him he is not getting to you, when he talks to you start singing row row row your boat in your head. My personal favorite was just keep swimming from finding nemo.
Trust your lawyer, but most of all trust yourself. Keep control. The truth will be seen soon.
You cannot fix yesterday, you can learn from today to make tomorrow better.
You will survive. just like we all have here.
hugs
bear
it's 3AM and of course I can't sleep. Your support has been amazing, I really mean it.
h is pulling everything I ever did out of the bag. And as I'm piecing the whole marriage I can see that he was never there for me emotionally, is incapable of it and that is one of the reasons I was so unhappy last fall (depression/anxiety).
It is beyond my scope to fathom that I could actually lose prime custody over my anxiety/depression issues. I am stable, take my meds and quite frankly, given what he has put me through, I don't love you, affair, leaving d and me, I think just the fact that I haven't fallen completely apart is testomony enough to my "mental state"!
all I can do now is have faith that 'the powers that be" realize all this and don't use my mental health history against me. And by the way, yes, I wasn't perfect during last court date, but I'm not a freakin' robot!! When I heard his lawyer quote passages out of my private journal (and he never told judge they were from a journal that h stole and photocopied), how would ANYONE act??
ow can have him. good luck to her. she knew (I know this for a fact, overheard a conversation when he was still living here) that he was married with a daugter. she's insane to think that once I'm "out of the picture" that she's got it made. I know this man. he's a liar. he doesn't have moral values. period.
and by the way he's been the last 2 weeks, if I were her, I would be totally freaked out!! he's acting completely insane and abusive. but I guess he's lying to her as well, of course he is.
I just want my d back and get on with my life. I'm sick of feeling like I'm on trial. I'm so disgusted with h and all I can do is pray for him. He truly has issues (as my therapist tells me) and he will repeat this cycle again and again until he gets professional help, which I know he won't.
As my lawyer said, it's good this happened now, instead of say, 10 years from now. I can re-build my life. I didn't get it at the time he told me because at the time I was trying to save my marriage . what a joke.
It's the "not knowing" what's going to happen that is killing me right now. I miss d so much it's not even funny. GAL right this minute is almost impossible as you can imagine.
(((((maryangela)))))
I need to go to bed, but there's a hug. You are going to be fine. Get some sleep. Stay calm. Trust your lawyer.
just woke up (late for me, I'm used to getting up around 6:30 for d and getting her ready for school). The mornings have been the hardest for me the past week and a half. not having her here. I said before, h is bringing up every little incident with social services and I'm sick of having to explain myself. my lawyer told me to stop talking with them,they have enough info. I found a counselor for d (school rec. this) and I have to go alone to first session tomorrow morning. I told social services this and he seemed pleased. then after that d5 and I are sceduled to go every week (I guess that is if she comes home).
I have my therapy today. SO need it. my therapist knows what's going on but she was on vacation and doesn't know the details of the past two weeks. she's going to be amazed, I am sure. social services also wants to speak to her which she knows and i am sure she will be great.
I feel like I have been waking up to a nightmere every day and I'm sick of it. A person can only take so much. I see d tonight at a location not our home that we chose. I'll bring coloring books and crayons, that type of things. I hope she isn't stand=offish to me like she was last time. I will politely ask h to leave so I can have my time with her.
god,I can't believe it's come down to this. I'm sick of feeling like a criminal because I have had anxiety issues in the past (all things h brought up to social services -- even a hospitalization before I even knew him!). I'm being treated, have always gotten treatment when I needed it. It doesn't interfere with my parenting.
I'm sure if you polled 300 people in nyc on 42nd and 5th, 285 people are on zoloft or prozac!
Just so sick of this.
When I heard his lawyer quote passages out of my private journal (and he never told judge they were from a journal that h stole and photocopied), how would ANYONE act??
I agree with you - you're not a robot. Yes do your best to stay calm, but I think you're right that some type of response is totally expected.
PS - your comments about the court continue to puzzle me. No your H's lawyer didn't tell the judge that. BUT DID YOURS??? You keep sounding like your H and his L do all the talking and you and yours just kinda hang out and listen to it all, then you go home and complain about all the stuff he said. I hope I am misunderstanding, but this is probably the 4th or 5th time I've thought "WTF - why isn't her lawyer TELLING THE JUDGE this stuff??" Or are you just not telling us that part of it?
and by the way he's been the last 2 weeks, if I were her, I would be totally freaked out!! he's acting completely insane and abusive. but I guess he's lying to her as well, of course he is.
I doubt he's lying to her about it. He's just not doing any of it in front of her. Nothing to lie about.
Now... 2x4 time... STOP wasting your days thinking about your H and OW. Just cut it out. It's not worth your time or mental energy. Use the stop sign, use the rubber band trick, whatever it takes.
I'm sick of feeling like I'm on trial.
Then quit choosing to act and feel this way. YES, this IS your choice.
Social services is taking stock of the situation in order to recommend the best custody situation for your daughter.
YOU are the one turning it into "I'm on trial, I'm being treated like a criminal," etc. etc. etc.
... and he will repeat this cycle again and again until he gets professional help, which I know he won't.
I agree on the first part. On the "I know he won't" - wow, you have quite the psychic powers!
You should use those to "know" that your D will be home soon instead of using them to "know" your H's future.
It's the "not knowing" what's going to happen that is killing me right now. I miss d so much it's not even funny. GAL right this minute is almost impossible as you can imagine.
I totally understand that it's very hard and why it is. You're taking it to an extreme though. It is not "killing" you. It hurts like he!!, it's lonely, you miss her. It's not actually, physically killing you. In fact you are remaining very strong! Be proud of yourself for that.
GAL... actually, as hard as it is, right now is THE most important time to GAL. Your life needs to be about more than JUST your D. Sure she's a major focus of it, but what ELSE is in your life? You started a new job this week - how's that going?
Look at all of SG's questions and answer those. It'll help take your focus OFF of the negatives right now.
(I guess that is if she comes home).
CUT IT OUT!!!! with the negativity. Think POSITIVELY.
I have my therapy today. SO need it. my therapist knows what's going on but she was on vacation and doesn't know the details of the past two weeks. she's going to be amazed, I am sure. social services also wants to speak to her which she knows and i am sure she will be great.
Geez, what timing on the vacation. I am so glad she's back and you're going today! I think you're right that she will be amazed about how strong you've been through all of this. Glad social services is speaking to her too.
I see d tonight at a location not our home that we chose. I'll bring coloring books and crayons, that type of things. I hope she isn't stand=offish to me like she was last time. I will politely ask h to leave so I can have my time with her.
Yay!!! I am so glad you get to see her, and that you have a plan.
It sounded like you two had fun singing together last time too - maybe bring a CD you both like? You can always sing in the car if the location's not a good "sing out loud" kinda place.
I hope she's not stand-offish too, but just be prepared that she might be. She's really upset and freaked out right now, I'm sure, and who knows what your H has been telling her. (for all you know he's telling her that you asked him to take her away and didn't want her or something stupid like that). Just be the great Mom that you know you are.
I'm sick of feeling like a criminal
So stop acting as if you're being treated like one. You're not. Like I said, they are simply investigating the best custody situation for your D. (because your H, stupidly IMO, got them involved when they really have no reason to be!)
I'm being treated, have always gotten treatment when I needed it. It doesn't interfere with my parenting.
I'm sure if you polled 300 people in nyc on 42nd and 5th, 285 people are on zoloft or prozac!
EXACTLY!!! I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out the social services person and the judge, or at least people they know and love, are too.
I almost forgot...
((((Mary)))))
If for some reason the judge is not ready to make a decision regarding custody on Friday, you might ask your lawyer to have your daughter given to you for the next week. Your husband has had her for 2 weeks already. It is your turn.
GREAT point Sara. Good idea.
Thinking of you Mary, and hope your visit with D went/is going well!
If for some reason the judge is not ready to make a decision regarding custody on Friday, you might ask your lawyer to have your daughter given to you for the next week. Your husband has had her for 2 weeks already. It is your turn.
Great solution-oriented thinking!!!
just saw d5, it almost hurts to see her for only 2 hours than to not see her at all. we took a walk by the river and made sand castles. she had fun with me which felt good.
h "waited" in his car (a good 5 blocks away). when I saw him he had this ring on his right hand. I asked him what it was (he never wears jewelry) and of course it's from ow and she has one. I didn't make an issue. but i have to admit it hurt when I thought about it on the way home.
d5 will be interviewed by child advocate tomorrow and h and I will be interviewed on friday. I'm so terrified.
I asked him what it was (he never wears jewelry) and of course it's from ow and she has one. I didn't make an issue. but i have to admit it hurt when I thought about it on the way home.
As soon as you mentioned it you made it an issue.
Don't worry about the child advocate. They are not trying to take her away from you.
so I shouldn't have mentioned it? why the f did it bother me so much!! i didn't get emotional about it at all in front of him, but I admit, I got teary about it on the way home.
I feel like I'm being SO replaced. new mom, new life, d's there, the whole bit.
so I shouldn't have mentioned it
Nope. Shouldn't have mentioned it at all. Shouldn't be talking to H at all, other than about D.
Of course it affects you. You are human. Its normal. But no more talking about it with H. Friendly but distant.
(((((maryangela)))))
It isn't surprising that it bothered you, but you didn't need to mention it to him. Here's the thing. Is there any way that mentioning it to him was going to be helpful to you?
It's the "not knowing" what's going to happen that is killing me right now. GAL right this minute is almost impossible as you can imagine.
ma,
I'm sorry things are working out the way they are for you. I followed your sitch from the beginning and am aware how much work you put into DB'ing. I do hope you are deriving some comfort from all the people who are here and who have been supporting and advising you.
I found great deal of solace from a book by Susan Jeffers titled,
Embracing Uncertainty: Breakthrough Methods for Achieving Peace of Mind When Facing the Unknown. I read it when (by pre-arrangement) my husband cut short a trip we had originally planned to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. We parted ways in England and he flew home to move out of our home and into his own apartment.
As you are now, I was facing a huge unknown and it was causing me great discomfort. The book helps one gain a sense of detachment from a difficult situation and helps one be more rational and less driven by my emotion.
I'll be thinking of you on Friday. It sounds like you have a good lawyer on your side. Your H is giving your attorney plenty of reasons for the judge to find in your favor.
Me: 59
H: 59
Together: 28 years
Married: 25 years in August
"There may be someone else" 12/26/07
H signed a one year lease 4/1/08
H moved out 5/11/08
Mary, I work for two attorneys who are often appointed guardian ad litem to children in cases very similar to yours. Prior to working at my current firm, I worked for an attorney who was a children's advocate. He went on to become a judge in our juvenile court.
I can tell you from firsthand knowledge that cases like yours are not rare in any community. In fact, they are more the norm, I'm afraid. But precisely because of that, judges, lawyers and children's advocates KNOW when they are being played and if there is no reason for your daughter to be taken from you permanently, it is highly unlikely that she will be. It sounds as if you have a very good attorney who will not roll over on you Friday. Try to have some faith that he will represent you well. Your most important role right now is to be yourself and be strong in the face of the BS your husband is putting you through. If you lose it even one time in court, you are lending credence to the claims he is making. You have to be strong and trust your attorney.
If you have been honest about everything, you can be reasonably sure that before this is all said and done, your daughter will be back with you. Social services representatives tend to be self-righteous jerks on power trips in my experience but even so, the truth always comes out. If the truth is on your side, you will be fine no matter how much crap your husband tries to stir up.
AmyC
amyc -- thank you for the response. what scares me (something you mentioned in your post) is that at the last court hearing I DID react when h's lawyer began quoting passages out of a journal i wrote last fall (of course he didn't tell judge it was from a journal that h STOLE and photocopied after I found out about affair to use against me). Sentances that were SO taken out of context. Like, "i don't feel like being a mother", "maybe I should move back to nyc alone", that kind of thing. it was therpeutic writing and social services spoke to the therapist that gave me the excersize and exlained that it's for therapuetic purposed only -- he also wrote a letter explaining this.
so how I f'd up is that with each quote, I made "sounds", like "what?" not loudly at all!! but enough that it was heard.
will this totally bite me in the arse?? how would anyone react when personal things your wrote as an exercise are taken out of context????
Mary - I asked before and I'll ask again - isn't your L BRINGING THIS UP IN COURT?!?!?!? (that it's your journal, that he photocopied it, what he's done)
Mary - you can't do anything about what already happened so focus on tomorrow and no matter what his attorney says, don't react in any way. I doubt what happened at the last hearing will have any bearing on what happens tomorrow but if you keep reacting it is likely to hurt you.
Additionally, how your husband came to be in possession of those journal entries isn't really going to matter in the end because it is so far beyond the scope of the hearing. But if you were told to write your feelings as a form of therapy and you have a letter stating as much, yes, that should be of some help to your case. The judge is going to want facts. Is your daughter fed? Is she bathed and clothed, attending school, are you an involved mother (such as at school)? Those are the things that are going to matter. Not the spin your butthead husband tries to put on them. He and his motives will be flushed out soon enough because this ain't that judge's first rodeo. He sees this kind of crap weekly at the very least.
Take care and stay calm ~
AmyC
Maryangela
1st off ((hugs)) Sorry I have been absent for two days, life just got a little crazy with work issues. Just could not find the time to jump on and read your stitch.
Ok first I want to say I know the ring issue hurt. It will and it is going to I agree with all who said you should not have brought it up.
My h got this ugly, and i mean ugly watch from ow for his birthday or maybe christmas (both are close) He told me he bought it at the mall and he could not pass up such a great deal. H tells me this the last week in January when the watch appeared. I saw it never said one word. I found a receipt dated from the 8th of the month to have a link removed from it. So he lied right to my face. It is the kind of watch I would never have bought for him. She is a different person than I am
Just proves H lied to me, which all he does is lie. It seems he is creating a world that works for him, but the truth is he is beginning to forget the lies he tells. Another thing he has failed to realize, What he is doing is having no impact on me, for i really don't care anymore.
LET IT GO. REMEMBER TO LET IT ROLL OFF YOUR BACK.
I have just bought a necklace for me the other day. And today i am wearing it proudly. Its in written in Irish, and it means love, heath and happiness. It has it in english on the other side but i have decide to wear it with the irish meaning on the outside. For me it means i love myself and life, health, for me means helping my mom thru her cancer treatments and happiness for in the end of all this I will find my happiness.
Belive in yourself, Listen to Amy, She is saying what I and others have been saying, your h is all bark and no bite. He thinks he has you backed into a corner, guess what, he does not.
Take a deep breath, things will work out. You will be with your D very soon. DONT LET HIM GET YOU DOWN!!!!!
hugs
bear
i just found out that the social worker talked to my therapist and my therapist (who hadn't seen me in 2 weeks) was alarmed by how much weight I had lost. she told him that I'm not "crazy" but thinks that given what I have gone through, it won't be the worst thing in the world to have h have d5 for a month or 2. he told me that is what he is going to tell the court tomorrow.
I want to die. I'm not kidding.
maryangela, please get yourself some help. I am worried about you.
I want to die. I'm not kidding.
Call 911.
i'm done nik. i can't go on without d in this house.
mary, that's not a done deal!
Are you green?
Call your lawyer and ask him to do what he can.
Does the therapist understand that you want your daughter your share of the time? It sounds like the therapist was asked if it was OK for D to stay with your H, not if you were able to take care of a child. "Not the worst thing in the world" is not a glowing recommendation. Perhaps the therapist was referring to the summer camp schedule for the next 2 months, where you have only 2 days a week. I think this statement needs to be clarified. There might be a misunderstanding here.
OK I posted that call 911 quickly because I am worried and I want to see you get some real, true help. Please. I sincerely hope that you are either on your way to a hospital or that someone is on their way to get you. Until you get that help, maybe you can read here.
So, I'll post more now.
1. Your thread's probably going to lock soon - you may want to start a new one.
2. Sara is right, you need to get clarification.
3. Your therapist probably knows you better than anyone, certainly better than any of us here possibly could. IF she did in fact mean that you shouldn't have your D for the next 1-2 months (or only have her part time), maybe that break is a good idea. I have known at least a couple of people who took "mental health vacations" during their sitches and things are much better now. Donna_Found posts in Surviving and is the first one to come to mind. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
i'm done nik. i can't go on without d in this house.
So you're going to what, abandon her completely???
Your therapist said a break might be good for you. Maybe it would be. She didn't say "forever," she said a break.
PS - I should clarify, the "mental health vacation" I referred to was a week long (if I remember right) stay in a mental hospital. And she has primary custody of her children now. So please don't avoid getting help because of custody fears.
my mom and sister are freaking out. someone called 911 and the police came. I got rid of him. if I go to the hosptial it will be used against me, believe me. can't.
Yes. OK, you can't go to the hospital. I understand. So that means that you can't be weak and give in and breakdown. You have to deal with this. You have family to help you. You have your father and your sister and your mother. Can someone come be with you tonight while you wait for tomorrow's hearing? After that you can go to NYC with them if that is what works best for you.
I hope that your Mom and sister are not as prone to panic as you are. I am only suggesting these people because normally we lean on our families for support. However, if your Mom and sister are just going to wind you up more, than they are not the best people to talk to right now. Your father sounded quite capable. Call him and talk to him.
if I go to the hosptial it will be used against me, believe me. can't.
It's better than the alternative if you are feeling suicidal.
Sara, great ideas.
I agree - talk with your dad. I think he will help you through this ordeal. Dont forget, it is fathers day coming up on Sunday.
OK, Maryangela--
Do you see how this goes? Can you step back and take a look at the big picture?
This is what we talk about ACT AS IF in Michele's book.
If you ACT AS IF he is going to get custody.....you freak out and make it a self-fulfilling prophesy.
ACT AS IF you are in control of yourself and the situation. Eat. Nurture yourself. Visit your daughter.......lobby against so little visitation..........not in an omg way, but how it isn't good for your daughter.
When you are with your daughter...........be a lot of fun for her. Don't worry.
I want you to start a NEW THREAD, with a POSITIVE mantra.
I want you to show you are in control on your thread. When someone tells you to calm down, don't go on and on about why you're still worried. TELL US what steps you are doing to nurture yourself. PRACTICE ON US......It will show up in real life on your face and your demeanor. YOU CAN.
OK, Maryangela--
Do you see how this goes? Can you step back and take a look at the big picture?
This is what we talk about ACT AS IF in Michele's book.
If you ACT AS IF he is going to get custody.....you freak out and make it a self-fulfilling prophesy.
ACT AS IF you are in control of yourself and the situation. Eat. Nurture yourself. Visit your daughter.......lobby against so little visitation..........not in an omg way, but how it isn't good for your daughter.
When you are with your daughter...........be a lot of fun for her. Don't worry.
I want you to start a NEW THREAD, with a POSITIVE mantra.
I want you to show you are in control on your thread. When someone tells you to calm down, don't go on and on about why you're still worried. TELL US what steps you are doing to nurture yourself. PRACTICE ON US......It will show up in real life on your face and your demeanor. YOU CAN.