Ready2Change (5) - No trust - DivorceBusting.com

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Recap of my sitch here:

I have been living with my wife for the past 17 years (married 11). We both are profesionals and make a good living. We have S9,S7,D5.

Feb 14 --> Realized my M was not in good shape.
Feb 18 --> I told wife "We need to talk". I listed out the following:
I want to do what is best for our M.
I want to do what is best for our kids.
I want to listen (really listen) to W.
I want more effective and frequent communication.
I don't want to get mad or angry.
I want to spend more one on one time with W.
I want to do more family activities.
I want to spend more one on one time with each of our kids.
I want to let W have the freedom to do what she wants.
I want W to let me have the freedom to do what I want.

Feb 18 --> I got the bomb (I don't want to be married to you any more, I don't want to slowly die inside, I want to find my soul mate )

I started DBing right away (Before I found/read book). Lots of 180's. I stayed out of W bubble and got into kids bubble. Cleaned up my looks. Started doing housework while W not around.

March 4: Read DR. (Wow those two weeks felt like months) Time was in slow motion.

March 4: This was the lowest point in R. No eye contact from W and only 1 Hi. She did not look good. She went to bed early and without saying goodnight to kids.

Lots of reading including:
Divorce Remedy
Venus/Mars
His needs/Her needs (good book!)

April 3: I find out W sells stock to retain lawyer. I believe I convinced her there is beter options including mediation.

April 4: First telephone coaching session

April 17: All day session with W with Michele

April 29: I visit lawyer to find out my rights. My state is Joint custody in 85% of cases and it is an equal equity state. Most of my fear goes away.

May 3 : I find out W has retained lawyer. Wants me to go sign papers at her lawyers on the 5th.

May 4th : Notify W I have lawyer and her lawyer needs to call mine.

June 1rst: Wife and I talk for first time in a while.
June 2nd: Email communications start going. Looks promising.

So my new title. No trust.

Neither one of us trust each other. Our communication skills are horible. I tell her one thing and she hears another. I am sure I am doing the same thing.

Space. I do not want to be around her!
Space. She does not want to be around me!

We are both living in the same house. We are not getting the space we need. I ask wife for space and she does not give it to me.

Tonight, I asked her to take her car to baseball game (I need space right now). She refused and got in the car with me and the kids. I am tired of no communication. I start asking questions, and get short answers (fine,yes,no..etc).

I do a 180 and stay in her space and try to set a time to talk about parenting time. This was not good, she freaked out.

How do I get time alone with my kids in my own house??? W is not giving me space!!!! I have left the house multiple times to give her space with the kids. I have asked her multiple times, and she refuses.

W gave me "her plan" for summer parenting time. I compared it to "my plan". We agree on 50% of the days. I circled the days that conflict and set it out for wife to review.

My goal tonight was to sit with W and work on summer parenting time. That did not happen! I backslide several times. I followed W around house trying to get her to work on this with me. She grabbed her purse and phone (I think she started recording us). She even went into kids room.

Today is over. Can't wait for the "new day".

Her actions and words today are of a crazy person. I am sure it is just when I am in her space. She makes me crazy when she is in my space. I am done trying to work with W.

I was still frustrated today from interactions with W yesterday. Wife was pleasant when I arrived home with kids tonight. That helped.

I actually got my hi returned! Bam! Goal. I have been saying hi/hello for months now (I got the evil eye or no response every time).

I skipped baseball practice tonight and went fishing. Felt good to get out on my own and do something. Fishing was amazing! I found a great hole last Sunday. It was really good tonight.

The house was pleasant tonight. I stayed out of W space. Kids were great. W gave kids Baths. I made cookies. First time I snuggled with kids in a while. They have been in moms room past few nights.

Hey Ready..

Sounds challenging.. but those snuggles are beautiful.

Have you thought of leaving the proposed schedule in her room, on the frig.. someplace neutral where she can take it and review it? Google has a calendar feature if you sign up for an account. I don't know if that just increases the distance or allows needed space.

Perhaps you can make your room more enticing to the kids.. Do you have the game "Jake the Snake"? Kids can't get enough of it. I don't know what it is.. A Phys Ed teacher at the elementary school would let the kids play that game if they'd been really good. He moved over to the highschool, and even hardened teenagers go all gooey playing that!

*hugs*

Good to see you, buddy.

Ready, you sound so much like H & me a few months ago.

<<Tonight, I asked her to take her car to baseball game (I need space right now). She refused and got in the car with me and the kids. I am tired of no communication. I start asking questions, and get short answers (fine,yes,no..etc).>>

H & I were in a huge fight, & our D was flying home. I was going to pick her up, (he had dropped her off, when she left town) he wanted to come. I told him I didn't want him in the car with me. He suggested he take his own car. I said WTF ? You want to carry a banner to tell D that we can't even stand to be in the same car ? Then ask her to choose which one of us to ride home with ? I thought he was an idiot, & I told him that. That was spring break week.

Hang in there. I share this with you to give you hope.

Thanks for stopping in Gypsy!

Originally Posted By: Gypsy

...Have you thought of leaving the proposed schedule in her room, on the frig.. someplace neutral where she can take it and review it...

I have emailed several choices I am willing to take. I wanted to work on a flexible one initially that went more rigid in the future. I know we both have days we want to do our own thing and days we want to do things with the kids. W didn't want to work on calander together. I giving my lawyer the "Extended Weekend" version.

Quote:

...the game "Jake the Snake"....

I just searched the web. Is this a video game??

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

...He suggested he take his own car. I said WTF ? You want to carry a banner to tell D that we can't even stand to be in the same car ? Then ask her to choose which one of us to ride home with ? I thought he was an idiot, & I told him that.Hang in there. I share this with you to give you hope....

Hi SC, Very good point and thanks for the hope!

Some things I was just thinking about:

1) Kids have been spending bedtime evenings with W for past week. This may be increasing my frustration. They spent the evening with me last night, I feel good.

2) During convo with W a few days ago, I was given a good opportunity to tell wife "I still love you" in a non emotional way.

W took kids to Six flags. I took the high road today and supported her, even though I disagree with her tactics....

Here is an Email Wife sent about a week ago:

Quote:

Next weekend is going to be my weekend with the kids - I will be hanging out with them so please find something else to do.

We do not have a "my weekend" "your weekend" plan in place. W just tells me what she is doing.

Here is the last Email I sent:

Quote:

The kids are excited about going to six flags. I will have the truck ready for
you to take them up Sat. As I stated on the phone, they would prefer us going
as a family. I understand that you do not want me to go with you. I will make
other plans so you can spend some time alone with our kids.

I do not like putting the kids in the middle of our issues. Without a fixed
schedule, I want us to agree on activities before we commit to the kids. I
have tried to keep the communication open. I inform you of what the kids want,
and respect your wishes. I would appreciate the same respect.

The good part is that Emails are being exchanged. The communication is opening up. W is still very angry, but this communication is a big improvement.

I just sent W about a dozen emails trying to resolve schedule issues. Hopefully she is receptive and we will have some agreements.

R2C, I don't really know what to say about all of this. I really don't know how to have your own space living in the same house. How did your W respond to your email about not putting the kids in the middle of your problems? If she is anything like my W, she doesn't see it that way or either doesn't care.

Hey Race...

"Jake the Snake" is a game where you need a jump rope, sock and tennis ball or softball (for a bigger snake head). Put the tennis ball or softball in the sock, tie the sock to the end of the jump rope. You can decorate the sock to look like a snake.

Hold the opposite end of the jump rope, so the snake head is facing out and start turning around. The kids have to jump over the rope and/or snake. You can go faster or slower. As my daughter was explaining it to me, she kept saying how fun it was (when she was little). The gym teacher who played that game with her is now at the high school and told me the high school kids love to play it and they're OLD!

Good luck.

Here's a list of some fun activities I might try..

http://www.thesource4ym.com/games/outdoor.asp

*hugs*

Originally Posted By: ping1

...How did your W respond to your email about not putting the kids in the middle of your problems? ...

My W hasn't been responding to many emails. Her actions are better. Tonight W asked if I wanted to tuck the kids in tonight.

Hopefully I get some responses to my emails. I put clauses in most of them that simpilar to this: "If I don't receive a response from you by XXX date, I will plan on YYYY."

Weekends without kids suck. Wife had them all weekend. Only good thing is that W was not home, and I could do what I wanted.

Next weekend will be better. D5 has her birthday party Sat and I spend Sat night and Sun with kids for fathers day.

W and I have no set parenting time, so we are almost always in each others space. Hopefully this week will be better. I will see how W responds to my emails.....

ISC is set for 6/17 (D5 will become D6 also).

Hey Ready,

<<Weekends without kids suck. Wife had them all weekend.

I spent a lot of time imagining how it would be, if I left H, & if it was the weekend that he had the kids & I was home alone. It sucked just imagining it. I feel for you.

<<Only good thing is that W was not home, and I could do what I wanted.

Okay, I used to feel this way too. Now, I can do what I want even when H is home. Try it. (within reason to your sitch, I mean).

Thinking about you.

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

..It sucked just imagining it....

That is what gets me down. I need to stay "in the now". I can not understand why W believes it will be "better" being a broken family. Of course W and and I played tag team with the kids, so the frequency of seeing our kids will be less, but the amount of time will be more (unless W does get the 70/30 split she is asking for).

I need some more 180's that will not "justify" the divorce....

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

... Now, I can do what I want even when H is home. Try it. (within reason to your sitch, I mean)...

The old me did whatever I want. New me is attempting to give W space while in the same house. This is all so confusing. Now that it is warmer, I will start organizing the garage.

Originally Posted By: Ready2Change

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

..It sucked just imagining it....

That is what gets me down. I need to stay "in the now". I can not understand why W believes it will be "better" being a broken family.

Ready, when you figure this out, let me know because I believe we are all in awe trying to figure out how they could care less that their children will be in a broken family.

Quote:

I can not understand why W believes it will be "better" being a broken family. Of course W and and I played tag team with the kids, so the frequency of seeing our kids will be less, but the amount of time will be more (unless W does get the 70/30 split she is asking for).

She does not believe this dude, it justifies her actions is all. They will say things like Kids are resilliant, this will have minimal impact on them, etc.... It simply is justification for their actions. Do not let it fool you.

Believe it or not, deep down inside they are still human and have tangeable feelings.....deep deep down inside. Hang in there R2C, it's a bumpy road but you have great shocks.

Ian

Just telling the kids we are getting divorced affected them....I dread the day I have to see it....

Today was a great day!

Lots of emails on schedules with kids.

Wife said "I am not criticizing, but high fructose corn syrup is bad" as she examined the bread I bought. I said "Oh sorry, I didn't read the label".

Both of these are good things. Our communication is improving.

Last night, W asked "Would you like to tuck kids in tonight". I said yes. So tonight I asked her the same.

Things are improving....Still not much eye contact.

S7 had BB game. I have made friends with several of the parents. I had a good time talking tonight...

Interesting read

It is interesting how W does not look at me.

It is interesting how W does not say bye on the phone.

It is interesting how W will hang up on me in the middle of a simple conversation.

Boy is she still pissed at me or what.

W did ask if I want to tuck kids in tonight. I said yes.

W did start the dishwasher at about 8:00. That means I can unload it earlier than normal! (Since the bomb, I have been starting it about 9:30 then unloading it before bed.)

Good times fishing with S9 tonight. He hooked into at least 20 fish. I was able to work all parts of fly fishing with him again. He is still having hard time getting hook out quickly, but he is learning.....

S7 spent the night at my dads. We actually made plans for this a few days ago. My emails to W worked!

Quote:

W,
S7 has expressed interest in spending the night at dads house several times this past week, but has not had the opportunity. Tuesday night works for dad. Do you mind if S7 spends Tuesday (June 10th) night with dad? I told dad I will check with you and get him a reply. I am OK with S7 spending Tuesday night at dads.

PS: We have not told S7 about this. You and I need to agree on this, and be a united front. That keeps the kids out of the middle. If you say no, I will back your decision. S7 will not even know about the decision. If you say yes, We can then ask S7 if he wants to spend the night at dads and give him the choice.

I received this reply

Quote:

this should be fine.

Crazy how a simple agreement so much effort....

On a different note (With some humor),

S9 talked on the phone for about 30 minutes to his feance (they have plans to get married $;\)$ ) who is moving away for a few years. They have been engaged for the past 8 years $\:\)$ . He is taking it well because he knows she will be coming back....

He is a patient guy.....

Originally Posted By: Ready2Change

On a different note (With some humor),

S9 talked on the phone for about 30 minutes to his feance (they have plans to get married $;\)$ ) who is moving away for a few years. They have been engaged for the past 8 years $\:\)$ . He is taking it well because he knows she will be coming back....

He is a patient guy.....

That is simply adorable.

I read this yesterday:
Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men

It is worth the read.

I read the excerpt on Amazon..

Sounds like alot of it could apply to women too..

*ducks*

Originally Posted By: Gypsy

..Sounds like alot of it could apply to women too..

I would have to agree. I also think women could use it to "teach" their man....

I went out and did another photo shoot. I am getting behind on the processing and posting of the photos. I had a great time. I didn't think about my sitch the whole evening. I road the motorcycle today. Boy was it a cold ride home (about 25 miles).

Night all!

Interesting lyrics:
The bleeding

Ready, what did you take pictures of ?

Originally Posted By: Ready2Change

I went out and did another photo shoot.

Post them.. post them.. post them..please?

*hugs*

Great job on GALing!

Weekend had good points and bad points.

D6 had birthday party. It was good until W did the birthday song and "cookie cake" without me. (I was outside talking with a couple of the guests). Talk about firing me up and putting kids in the middle. I bit my tongue. That was so hard. After everyone left, I told W how "respectful" it was to do this. Took awhile for me to get back "into the now" after the party incident. I am still pissed. Trying to forgive her.

Good note: Spent last night and today at friends cabin with my three kids and his three kids and had a blast. Lots of fun. Best part was singing happy birthday with D6 alone.....

Originally Posted By: ping1

Originally Posted By: Ready2Change

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

..It sucked just imagining it....

That is what gets me down. I need to stay "in the now". I can not understand why W believes it will be "better" being a broken family.

Ready, when you figure this out, let me know because I believe we are all in awe trying to figure out how they could care less that their children will be in a broken family.

I will tell you how people believe and justify this. We live in an era where every says you have to be independent. Also we have therapist and others saying if you are not happy then go find some one else to be happy with. What gets me about all the you have to do what makes you happy and screw everyone else BS is this. If I walked into a therapist office and said I wanted to beat up my neighbor because he's a jerk, and doing that would make me happy, the therapist would say calm down don't do anything rash. Yet someone walks into a therapist office and says I'm not happy in my marriage, and I have done everything I can to make it work(I love when people say that. My WAW says that. There is no possible way on earth that you could have done everything to save your marriage. It's a cop out. The truth is they got tired of trying.) the therapist more often then not will tell them, well if you feel you have done everything and your not happy, go be happy. Leave your spouse and make your kids have a broken home. This is the era we live in. It's all about ME and MY happiness and SCREW everyone else. And these people teach their kids the very same values. Very few people will look at the situation and go well what is the RIGHT thing to do. The right thing is to FIND a way to make your marriage work and rebuild the love and trust. And unless there is serious addictions or physical or emotional abuse there is ALWAYS a way.

My rant and $.02

Thanks Pegasus! Your $.02 Is worth more!

Today was actually surprisingly good. The ISC was very good. My lawyer took control of the meeting. As soon as the custody issues are agreed on, then I am moving out. I am starting to look for my own place. A buddy gave me good advise, Let the kids help pick out a place to live. Have kids help buy new furniture.

Even better, it was D6 birthday! I picked up DingDongs and put 6 candles into 4 of them when we got home. Me and the 2 boys sang happy BD to D6!

My W gets upset whenever she is around me, but still gets in the car with me and the kids???

I have resorted to reciprocating the silent treatment with W. I don't have any desire to do what she asks (a big 180).

I don't get this either, W asked to exchange the kids/cars at a "free water park". I agreed. I arrived with the kids in swim suits, then W said she wasn't planning on having kids play in the water?!?!?! WTF- Pick a different exchange spot then! She did stay and let the kids play for a while.

Just checking in on you. I don't get the water park thing either. weird.

So yesterday was 4 months since the bomb. I went back and reviewed and adjusted my wants based on what I have control of. Here is my new list:

I want my decisions, actions and words to:
* Define me as the man I want to be.
* Reflect what is best for my kids. (More family activities. one on one time)
* Allow my kids to be safe and happy, have fun, and learn.
* Improve my relationship with W.
* Keep the kids out of the middle of my R issues with W.

I want to have effective communication. I want to listen (really listen) to others. This includes W and kids.

You're good Ready...

Really really good.

*hugs*

Today was a good day. Most emails with W since bomb. I see improvements in my communication style. I am not picking up rope. I am validating W, but at same time I am communicating what I believe are important items for kids.

Its really good to see you growing & making positive changes.

Wanna go to Jamaica ? LOL

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

Its really good to see you growing & making positive changes.

Wanna go to Jamaica ? LOL

Soon as the D is finalized, I am buying a cruiser bike and going on a dive trip. Jamaica must have diving!

So I am dancing with kids last few nights to this:
Rock and Roll McDonalds

W looks at me like I am crazy, but me and kids are laughing and having fun!

Originally Posted By: Ready2Change

Soon as the D is finalized, I am buying a cruiser bike and going on a dive trip. Jamaica must have diving!

So I am dancing with kids last few nights to this:
Rock and Roll McDonalds

W looks at me like I am crazy, but me and kids are laughing and having fun!

It sounds like you're completely resigned to the fact that D will happen ?

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

It sounds like you're completely resigned to the fact that D will happen ?

I am keeping a little hope, but am preparing for both paths....

I know I will be happy either way. My W needs time to find out what will really make her happy.....

Not pulling on the rope is hard. W is still pulling hoping I will pick up. I have given a few pulls in the last few days, but mostly just letting the rope lie.

Why do you think she wants you to pick it up ? Habit ? It shows you care enough ? what ?

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

Why do you think she wants you to pick it up ? Habit ? It shows you care enough ? what ?

It is all about control. If I don't pick it up, she can't control me. She is asking for 70/30 split control of kids. She might get this, but I am not going to roll over and give it to her. I feel strongly that it is in my kids best interest to spend equal time with each parent.

Hey R2C, just a quick question and then I will go. I will post more upon your response.

Do you believe that divorce would be the end of your fight to save your relationship?

Ian

Originally Posted By: sofaraway

Hey R2C, just a quick question and then I will go. I will post more upon your response.

Do you believe that divorce would be the end of your fight to save your relationship?

Ian

No, but I think it is going to make my relationship worse before it gets better. We both need to get some space.

So I can not ride in the car with W. She was in the car tonight. On the way to baseball I had to turn around and take my motorcycle to game to avoid conflict with W.

She keeps putting the kids in the middle of this right in front of me. I would rather not know what she is saying to them. I believe we did agree on alternating weekends with kids. We shall see. In her mind we have been doing this "for weeks", but I have not had a weekend with the kids yet.

Originally Posted By: Ready2Change

Originally Posted By: sofaraway

Hey R2C, just a quick question and then I will go. I will post more upon your response.

Do you believe that divorce would be the end of your fight to save your relationship?

Ian

No, but I think it is going to make my relationship worse before it gets better. We both need to get some space.

Good answer, I know many couples who have been married more than once.......to each other.........

Worse before better, absolutely. That's pretty much the pattern dude.

Ian

Today was good. I did a great bike ride. Only downside is a spoke broke, wheel went out of true and had to walk the bike down the mountain.

Spend some time tonight with kids.

Not sure if this is good.....

I used to tap my ring on things. I tried today, looked down and the ring was not there. I realized I was free and smiled....

How do stay attached while detaching????

1) No drinking!
2) Do not let things W does affect me.

Any other ideas???

Devil Bunny!

Embrace what is good
Let go of what sucks.

*hugs*

Originally Posted By: Gypsy

Devil Bunny!

Embrace what is good
Let go of what sucks.

*hugs*

Good advice!

So I am embracing the lawyers to do the dirty work. W's L sent my L a letter with her intention on moving out with children (if I don't leave). I told L both options unacceptable. A third option that is acceptable is for W to leave (without children).

DBing away! I just ask all to keep praying for my family!

I put 2 and 2 together. W was cleaning the kids bedroom (for the first time in months!) She most likely packing up some of the kids things....

Interesting development today:

I received email from W today offering 50/50 parenting time with kids until August 17 (What I have been asking for all along). L will propose a nesting agreement. I also said if W agrees to 50/50 plan to be year round I would move out within 48 hours of agreement.

W is going out of town for until Monday. It will be a nice break for all of us. I don't see the tension at the house that W is expressing to L. But If we are not at house at same time, no was W can make false statements....

I have been to gym M and W. Love handles are still there , but much smaller than last year. but I am not sticking to prebomb diet and may be gaining weight. Time to step up and focus on eating good again while increasing the exercise.

Tues: went to concert for photo shoot. Interesting night... (best thing is my mind is on having fun and taking photos and not my sitch)

Hey Devil Bunny,

"I don't see the tension at the house that W is expressing to L. "

Spouse talked about the tension in the gathering for the graduation and how it sent conflicting signals. The kids didn't have a problem, I didn't once I got over my upset that my family was splintered.

The tension comes from her.. from how she perceives the situation, how you both need space. Each action has blame and righteousness attached to it on her part.

Is there right and wrong? No clue. It took a lot to get to this place.

Here's to having time alone with your darlings.. When was the last time you took candids of your kids?

*hugs*

Smile! *click click*

Originally Posted By: Gypsy

...When was the last time you took candids of your kids...

Always glad to hear from you! I have taken lots since the bomb (Always did before too). Last set was at baseball games. Need to carry camera some more.

I had a great time with kids tonight. W is out of town, so I was able to do what the kids wanted without any "tension". We went to the local arcade and had a blast. We then had diner and a local band was playing (our family friend sings). Went to playground after dinner. Arrived home about bed time. Had kids call W. We then did the jump on the bed to "rock and roll McDonald". The kids have so much fun doing this and laugh so hard. S7 had a bad bloody nose (from picking it!) while we were reading. I had to keep pressure on it for at least 10 minutes...

W called at 9:45 and had music playing??? (Bed time is 8:30). I will never understand her thought process while she is in this fog....

Devil Bunny...

That sounds so fun.. and so.. family!

You sound great.

*hugs*

I am thinking about baby step goals. I am not sure what I need to look for as far as positive changes. I think I will recognize them, but it is better to know in advance what I am looking for.

A big 180 may be the nesting with the kids. W and I will get space from each other. Somewhere I believe the communication has to improve. We have 3 kids together. She can not give me the silent treatment forever. I will be patient. I have reciprocated and given her the silent treatment for several days....

Originally Posted By: Gypsy

Devil Bunny...

That sounds so fun.. and so.. family!

You sound great.

*hugs*

I am doing great. I have so much fun making the kids laugh. W gets angry. Not sure why. She doesn't make kids laugh much (at least when I am around).

Ready..

You'll have to let me know how the nesting goes. A neighbor and her husband did that. It helped the kids but created wacky living arrangements for the parents.

My brothers and sisters helped me realize I had to change my parenting style once spouse left. I'd always been the narc, strict, telling them what to do. Once he left, I realized I had to be accessible, not a pit bull; create a place they want to be at.

*hugs*

Originally Posted By: Ready2Change

So my new title. No trust.

Neither one of us trust each other. Our communication skills are horible. I tell her one thing and she hears another. I am sure I am doing the same thing.

*ooh ooh! throws hand up in the air....'me too, me too!*

How do you deal with this? Get a third party? - Expensive.
Write topics down - urgh...h would never go for that.
Agree on 'safe' topics...hmm...no topic seems to be bloddy safe.

What do you think Ready? and anyone else who is reading...

Yep, that was us too, not too long ago either. (Probably will happen again too, but at least it's not happening right now).

You could read my lightbulb moment a few weeks (days??) ago.

It totally sucks when every single conversation is tiring, exhausting, misunderstood, & frustrating.

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

Yep, that was us too, not too long ago either. (Probably will happen again too, but at least it's not happening right now).

You could read my lightbulb moment a few weeks (days??) ago.

It totally sucks when every single conversation is tiring, exhausting, misunderstood, & frustrating.

This changes in time. The newness of the situation makes us feel this way as we are constantly on our toes looking for clues. Reading expressions, tones in their voice, body language, etc..... In time when we stop the "worrying"phase, it gets a whole lot better.

At some point in time you will get to a place where you no longer remember the last time you spoke. You no longer worry about what you say to them and second guess your every word. You no longer feel like conversation or interaction is a burden to either party.

It just takes time, they say it takes 1 month per year of marriage. For me this was accurate, at about 15 months it was not a problem anymore.

Ian

Originally Posted By: sofaraway

It just takes time, they say it takes 1 month per year of marriage. For me this was accurate, at about 15 months it was not a problem anymore.

We've been married 18 years, & it took 12 months for us. It was a long 12 months though.

Originally Posted By: Gypsy

... helped me realize I had to change my parenting style once spouse left. I'd always been the narc, strict, telling them what to do. Once he left, I realized I had to be accessible, not a pit bull; create a place they want to be at...

Hi Gypsy! I've done 180's in this area also. I am more accessible also....

So, I spent the last 4 days at a "star party". It was good to get some time to relax. I am back at the house with the kids. I missed them. W will be back to house Wednesday at 5:00...

What's a star party ?

Welcome back, you were missed.

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

What's a star party ?

Welcome back, you were missed.

Astronomy?? Looking at stars through telescopes??

If that's it..what were you seeing??

That sounds like fun.. good to see you around again...

How's life?

*hugs*

Hi friends!

Star party = astronomy.

There were some BIG scopes. Two nights had great viewing. Saturn and Jupiter were out. They looked great! I was able to view M51 (a spiral galaxy) through a 36" (mirror diameter) scope. It was absolutely amazing! I got some good photos. Camping was relaxing. Bike riding felt good. I got a sunburn fishing.....

Life is much better. The tension and frustration has decreased a lot since W and I have a nesting arrangement now.

I am asking what is Best/Worst thing about each day. S7 says spending time with you/not seeing mommy....(He is very attuned to what is going on and makes similar comments to W).

Wow.. Ready..

What a perceptive child.

*hugs*

Originally Posted By: Ready2Change

Hi friends!

Star party = astronomy.

There were some BIG scopes. Two nights had great viewing. Saturn and Jupiter were out. They looked great! I was able to view M51 (a spiral galaxy) through a 36" (mirror diameter) scope. It was absolutely amazing! I got some good photos. Camping was relaxing. Bike riding felt good. I got a sunburn fishing.....

Life is much better. The tension and frustration has decreased a lot since W and I have a nesting arrangement now.

I am asking what is Best/Worst thing about each day. S7 says spending time with you/not seeing mommy....(He is very attuned to what is going on and makes similar comments to W).

awesome on the star party. glad it was clear for you.

Originally Posted By: Gypsy

Wow.. Ready..

What a perceptive child.

*hugs*

Yes he is. He is the one the recommended that we talk about our problems and work it out......TO BAD W DOESN'T LISTEN TO HIM.....

Nesting update:
Last night with kids. Exchange happens Wednesday at 5PM. Then next exchange is Sat 8PM (I have prior commitment Sat so I offered time to W and she accepted, Hoping for reciprocation when she has plans but I will wait and see). This block with the kids was relaxing. No W = No tension.

_______________________
What do I Really Really Really Want: To continue to understand W better. I am reading all I can, and getting input from as many as possible. How to hold on to your N.U.T.S. was a good read.

Best moments today: Hugs from kids.

Change my mantra: I can get kids to eat healthy food they "HATE". I little firmness with a little reward goes a long way. I can only do this alone. Any other time, others (W, inlaws, parents) undermine my parenting tactics.... S7 ate a bean/cheese burrito to get 2 cookies tonight....

Ready, when my kids were younger, they had to take just one bite of a new food. Then with familiar foods, they had to take as many bites as their age. 7 year old, 7 bites of the food. For years I kept a loaf of bread & a jar of peanut butter on the table. If they hated what I cooked, they could have a slice of bread with peanut butter. They do get tired of bread & pb eventually. $\:\)$

You sound like a great dad.

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

Ready, when my kids were younger, they had to take just one bite of a new food. Then with familiar foods, they had to take as many bites as their age. 7 year old, 7 bites of the food. For years I kept a loaf of bread & a jar of peanut butter on the table. If they hated what I cooked, they could have a slice of bread with peanut butter. They do get tired of bread & pb eventually. $\:\)$

You sound like a great dad.

Great idea! I will keep this in mind....

Light bulb moment yesterday,

It clicked that I have 100% full control of my life. I have been focusing hard on loosing my kids 50% of the time. I realize now that I have full control of the kids 50% of the time and W isn't able to undermine me.

Originally Posted By: Ready2Change

Light bulb moment yesterday,

It clicked that I have 100% full control of my life. I have been focusing hard on loosing my kids 50% of the time. I realize now that I have full control of the kids 50% of the time and W isn't able to undermine me.

Cool ! Although I don't know how you ever have "full" control of kids. (teasing).

Exchange happens tonight at 8PM. Can't wait to see kids!

You must be a happy camper.

Hurray!

Originally Posted By: Ready2Change

Light bulb moment yesterday,

It clicked that I have 100% full control of my life. I have been focusing hard on loosing my kids 50% of the time. I realize now that I have full control of the kids 50% of the time and W isn't able to undermine me.

Good moment R2C and exactly the way to train your mind to look for what is good instead of bad.

Have fun with your kids buddy.

Ian

So today was great.

Woke up later than I wanted, gave kids bath, and found out W took hairdryer (One more thing I need to buy). She is passive aggressive. Oh well her problem. D6 hair dried fine by the time we got to church.

I dressed D6 in a nice black dress. She looked great. I let the boys pick out "church clothes". Church was much more relaxed with W not there. I haven't been for several weeks. Good to see some people. There is a couple there that I want to get to know. They always look happy together. May be good roll models.

We had neighbor kid over and went to a free "water park" for awhile. Good to see kids having so much fun. My back went out last Thursday, so I am trying to baby it and didn't play, only watched. Hopefully it gets back to normal soon. We then went to arcade and the for pizza. S7 is entertaining. He drank 2 glasses of sprite (W doesn't let them drink soda). Anyway first thing he says to W one the phone is 2 glasses of sprite...

Ready, I'm so glad you had some great time with your kids. You do sound like the party weekend dad !

hugs

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

Ready, I'm so glad you had some great time with your kids. You do sound like the party weekend dad !

hugs

And I get weekdays too (at least for now)! I really want some one on ones with the kids, but that is going to have to wait (or I can get them while other two are around the house...)

I signed a rental agreement today and will be moving out in the next few weeks.

Oh ya, I hit a deer driving to work today (at about 50MPH). Everyone in the car was fine (Kids and I). I now have a rental for the next few weeks.....

Tonight is the last night with kids till Sunday....

House is spotless for W's return....

I am doing the "nesting" thing and during my W's parenting time I am away from the house. Last Thursday I spent at my moms house. I didn't have my own book to read, so I found one of hers and was reading. (I'll see if I can get author/title next time I'm up there) While reading this book, another one of those "light bulb moment" happened.

It talked about cherishing every moment. The author stated that most people focus on cherishing only the 5% that they consider special moments and not paying attention to the good things the other 95% of the time. One example of what she said: Have your favorite picture located so it is the first thing you see when you wake up. She said surround yourself with things you enjoy....

Anyway, I took the time to enjoy "the now" by looking at how nice mom had the guess room decorated, how nice the carpet felt to my feet. In the shower I really focused on how nice the warm water felt, the interesting smell of the soap. I really liked the coloring of the washcloth....I did this throughout the day, and guess what...I had a great day!

So, the point is, there are so many things that you can enjoy, they will significantly outweigh the negative things we perceive are happening right now....

I was at the Mile High Music Festival all day Sat and part of the day Sunday (Press pass, so I was taking photos). I had a good time. Lots of things to see, hear, smell and experience. I was taking in all the wonderful things going on...The warm air, the smell of the food, the sounds from the bands (50 all together), the nice looking women, the words of the songs...

Serena has some new songs coming out on her next album that hit home for me:
http://www.serenaryder.com/

I also enjoyed hanging out and talking to one of the other photographers. We were having a good time finding and talking "victims" into doing interesting things so we can take their photos...

My first court date (Temporary Orders) is next Monday. Any advise on how to prepare will be greatly appreciated!!!

BABY GOAL!!! BABY GOAL!!!!!

My Wife said good night to me!!!! On the phone!!!!!! She said it first!!!!!!

That was a long awaited thing!!!!!!!

Hey Ready..

Congratulations on meeting a baby goal! It must have been great to hear. I think I'm going for something like that a week from Friday concerning temporary alimony and child support. I figure your lawyer tells you what to do, you dress conservatively and bring a friend to keep you company. It also helps to have another set of ears.

I love your appreciating the moment. What a great way to live life. I'm going to try that!

Time with your kids becomes so special. It sounds like you know great ways to have fun. Kids will always say what you hope they won't, like your son with the soda. What a riot!

Keep doing what you're doing, moving ahead, keeping your goals and being a great dad.

You're the Devil Bunny!

*hugs*

PS.. I hope your back gets better soon!

Originally Posted By: Ready2Change

Oh ya, I hit a deer driving to work today (at about 50MPH). Everyone in the car was fine (Kids and I). I now have a rental for the next few weeks.....

Tonight is the last night with kids till Sunday....

House is spotless for W's return....

Omgosh, I'm so glad you are all okay. How bad is the car ? How bad was the deer ? $\:$$ What kind of rental ? Does the rental get better gas mileage than your vehicle ? $\:$$ What color was the washcloth ? j/k teehee

hugs.

Originally Posted By: Ready2Change

One example of what she said: Have your favorite picture located so it is the first thing you see when you wake up. She said surround yourself with things you enjoy....

This sounds wonderful...not just the favorite picture idea, but the overall concept of living with a sense of abundance instead of poverty. It's the same reason I buy myself flowers, buy lemonade from kids on the corner, and sing along with my favorite song on the radio.
Sorry, I don't have anything to offer on your court sitch. Peace.

Originally Posted By: Gypsy

...I hope your back gets better soon...

Thanks! It is feeling good. Hopefully I can get back to stretching/exercise soon!

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

... How bad is the car ? How bad was the deer ? $\:$$ What kind of rental ? Does the rental get better gas mileage than your vehicle ? $\:$$ What color was the washcloth ? j/k teehee

$5400 in damage to the car. It may be done this Friday.

Didn't track the gas mileage, but my gas bill is going to cut down significantly. W's parents bought a car for her to use until D is over, then she will buy it from them...

Rental is a Grey Chevy Malibu. Kids like it! I am use to the Sequoia and being able to hall more stuff around. The Malibu is more relaxing to drive and I don't thing I go as fast when driving it....

I didn't stop and check on the deer, but I am sure he was messed up bad. He was a beautiful buck in velvet. Hopefully he didn't suffer too bad....Someone coming up the other direction may have stopped, but I wasn't paying attention...

The washcloth is maroon that transitions to white. It is very soft, and with the warm water felt just lovely as I was washing myself! $\:\)$

Originally Posted By: Ready2Change

$5400 in damage to the car. It may be done this Friday.

Didn't track the gas mileage, but my gas bill is going to cut down significantly. W's parents bought a car for her to use until D is over, then she will buy it from them...

Rental is a Grey Chevy Malibu. Kids like it! I am use to the Sequoia and being able to hall more stuff around. The Malibu is more relaxing to drive and I don't thing I go as fast when driving it....

I didn't stop and check on the deer, but I am sure he was messed up bad. He was a beautiful buck in velvet. Hopefully he didn't suffer too bad....Someone coming up the other direction may have stopped, but I wasn't paying attention...

The washcloth is maroon that transitions to white. It is very soft, and with the warm water felt just lovely as I was washing myself! $\:\)$

$5400, ouch, does insurance cover that...? We were hit recently & our damage was around $4800. The other guys insurance paid for it all. I drive an expedition (13 miles to the gallon, blech), so I rented a mazda 6. It was so cute, & little, & fast, & got great gas mileage. I filled it up with $28, & it ran for weeks. I asked them to keep my SUV for a few extra weeks. $\:\)$

Okay, now stop with the washcloth. I'm a very visual person. $\:\)$