well guys, today is almost over he moved out today and I'm still breathing. I got work done, handled d5 well, drove my car, got dressed, met with friends,, cried a bit,but I also laughed.
When does the pain go away?? What if he MARRIES this girl?? Those are the thoughts that are in my head. I am feeling like I will be ok money-wise and such, but my heart hurts. Physically hurts.
I cried when I saw a box of Ramen Noodles that he left behind (he always took them to work). what is that???
I didn't call him today and only emailed him once about a bill he had to pay. I actually have no desire to call him. I really don't. He needds to feel the ramifications of what he is doing.
I need to heal. I need to GAL. I need to focus on me and my daughter. I just want that tape in my head on loop-mode to STOP!! I keep seeing his face. I keep remembering good times. When does this stop?? Maybe it really is for the best that he isn't here. I don't have to "overhear" conversations with ow. I don't have to tip-toe.
This is so f'ing hard.
You'll get throught this! Keep DBing because as they say here most affairs fizzle out. If you still want your M then don't file for D unless he gets really stupid.
I know how you feel because my H is gone too and everywhere I look and go there are memories of him and us. I guess the LBS sees things differently because we see the positive whereas the WAS sees the negative in our Ms.
Good luck
Jen
..What if he MARRIES this girl?? Those are the thoughts that are in my head....
Don't think/worry about that far in the future.
Focus one day at a time.(or 1 hour if needed) Will he get married today? NO!
Focus your energy on what can you do TODAY to become more attractive to WAS. GAL/180's/BabyGoals
Hang in there!
thanks ready2change! Great advice. I have to work today (totally don't feel like it, but I know it will take my mind off things). I actually work up today WITHOUT feeling like crying. Felt normal, almost. Of course I had to get D5 ready for school and that was "fun" lol -- but I don't feel horrendous, at least for this momemnt. I'm slowly coming out of a "fog" and coming into a place of acceptance. I'm realizing that db'ing is about ME and not "trying to get him back". At this point, after what he has done, not only to me but to d5, I'm not even sure how I feel,but I know feelings change and I WILL forgive him over time even if it's just the sake of our daughter.
The horrible feeeling is again, the little things, not having anyone say I love you, not having someone that you know you'll be watching tv with that night.
Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. I can't stop him right now no matter what I do.
Hi Mary - sounding much better.
What are you looking for? (i.e. why are you bumping your thread?). Seemed like you were just journaling?
I WILL forgive him over time even if it's just the sake of our daughter.
Forgive him now! Forgive him daily! Do this and a huge weight will be lifted off of you! You do not have to forget, but forgive him. He is a selfish place right now.
not having anyone say I love you....
This site is filled with love. All the adives everyone is freely giving without any expectation...
Keep your focus on every positive (even the little ones) and let the negatives go....
Do you go to church? If not do a 180 and start going. If you do go, Do a 180 and "really" listen. Move to the front if you sit in the back. Smile and say hi to people you never talk to.
Get there early and stay late...
thanks so much guys. the feelings come in waves. I don't know what hurts more, that he "fell out of love with me", broke up our family or is with ow. OR the way my daughter is sad.
But you're right I have to forgive now. It will be a weight off me. It's funny, he's been gone since yesterday morning and has called about 7 times ("just want to know how things are going over there"). I've only spoken to him once. The rest were messages.
But I don't want to live this way, analyzing everything he does and says. He made this decision, let him live his life.
Do you go to church? If not do a 180 and start going. If you do go, Do a 180 and "really" listen. Move to the front if you sit in the back. Smile and say hi to people you never talk to.
Get there early and stay late...
MA,
Any thoughts on this?
well, Ihad a big db backslide yesterday. h and I had heated email exchanges with threats and him telling me that "I've never been happier", you get the drift.
Why Oh Why did I go there??? I'm trying to db for myself and it's easier that he's not here, but there will always be contact because of d and I can't believe he is doing this to our family and I'm still so angry and hurt. If you would have told me 3 months ago that he was even capable of doing this, I wouldn't have believed you.
also, child protective services was called because of D5's behaviorin daycare. crying, sucking her thumb, etc. I was totally cooperative and they went through the house, called people who know us and so far it's "unfounded", but it was terrifying! I'm furious because her behavior started when h started this crap. her teachers, principal and everyone knows this.
anyway, another day to get through. I only cried twice yesterday. Ithink part of MY db'ing is I have to accept that he really is in love with ow and isn't coming home. GAL for me.
I have therapy today,thank the lord.
I just got the nicest email from h telling me he was sorry we had a bad day yesterday (our email fighting) and that I can call him whenever I want/need to. It was very sweet. A crumb is a crumb is a crumb, I guess.
anyway, I just emailed him back, thank you and that was that. No more contact (from my end) today. It's just easier that way. I really have to "drop the rope" as my db coach said. I have to for ME.
bump
Do you go to church? If not do a 180 and start going. If you do go, Do a 180 and "really" listen. Move to the front if you sit in the back. Smile and say hi to people you never talk to.
Get there early and stay late...
MA,
Any thoughts on this?
I'm not a "church" person (catholic), but I'm a spiritual person and I need to get back into doing spiritual practices that have helped me in the past. al-anon is actually very spiritual and I KNOW I need to get my butt back in there.
I'm not a "church" person (catholic), but I'm a spiritual person and I need to get back into doing spiritual practices that have helped me in the past. al-anon is actually very spiritual and I KNOW I need to get my butt back in there.
Good! (Old me was never a believer. 180 I understand now!)
Mary, don't beat yourself up over any backslides. Pick yourself up, learn from them, and move forward with a new plan.
feeling pretty good today. didn't call or email h all day and have no desire to. I'm to see him tomorrow for a parent/teacher conference and a pray I db and stay strong. It's actually a relief not having him here in a way because I don't have to deal with him sneaking off to make phone calls to ow, etc.
Had a great therapy session also. I went through a depression/anxiety phase last fall and h was totally NOT THERE for me at all. i was so hurt and angry and felt so alone. my therapist asked if this is what i really want in a partner. I want my marriage back, I do, but I want ME back and I lost her some time ago. I'm beginning to GAL (going back to school!) and I'm proud of how I'm taking care of D5 alone during the week. I'm "showing up" and doing a good job. I never thought I could do that. I have also shored up more work for myself.
I'm feeling less of a "Need" for h and more of a "want, if I choose". Big difference.
feeling pretty good today. didn't call or email h all day and have no desire to. I'm to see him tomorrow for a parent/teacher conference and a pray I db and stay strong. It's actually a relief not having him here in a way because I don't have to deal with him sneaking off to make phone calls to ow, etc.
Had a great therapy session also. I went through a depression/anxiety phase last fall and h was totally NOT THERE for me at all. i was so hurt and angry and felt so alone. my therapist asked if this is what i really want in a partner. I want my marriage back, I do, but I want ME back and I lost her some time ago. I'm beginning to GAL (going back to school!) and I'm proud of how I'm taking care of D5 alone during the week. I'm "showing up" and doing a good job. I never thought I could do that. I have also shored up more work for myself.
I'm feeling less of a "Need" for h and more of a "want, if I choose". Big difference.
good for you!
...I'm to see him tomorrow for a parent/teacher conference and a pray I db and stay strong...
Are there any 180's you can do? Dress different, smell different? (I complimented W's choice of cloths in front of teacher at PTC, this was big 180 and I got a shocked look from W. I did most of the talking and question asking: old me just listened)
Please list some 180's you can do!
It's actually a relief not having him here in a way because I don't have to deal with him sneaking off to make phone calls to ow, etc.
I love love love the peace from all of H's crazy stuff. You will grow to cherish it. Don't sweat the backslides. Your H also needs to see you in pain. But now is the time to shine. You are doing great.
mary,
Every time you argue and/or fight with your H, you are reinforcing for him (in his mind) why he is leaving you and that he will be happier without you. He is associating you with negatives because of these negative situations you are allowing to take place when you fight with him.
Remember that your H should not have any control over YOUR actions and reactions -- only his own. Every time you allow HIS actions and/or reactions to dictate your behaviors, you are losing the battle -- both the battle to save your M, and the battle to grow from this experience into a better person.
GD
mary,
Every time you argue and/or fight with your H, you are reinforcing for him (in his mind) why he is leaving you and that he will be happier without you. He is associating you with negatives because of these negative situations you are allowing to take place when you fight with him.
Remember that your H should not have any control over YOUR actions and reactions -- only his own. Every time you allow HIS actions and/or reactions to dictate your behaviors, you are losing the battle -- both the battle to save your M, and the battle to grow from this experience into a better person.
GD
Embed these into your head and use them when H starts R talk:
"I understand you feel that way"
"I am sorry you feel that way"
omg, that was EXACTLY what I needed to hear this morning. We have a joint teacher/parent conference today and I KNOW he is going to bring up lawyer stuff, etc.
thanks you guys.
guys, our parent/teacher meeting is at 3:30. h calls and tells me he is on his way over (It's not even 10AM!!). We are very newly separated (as of monday). WHY does he have to come over to f'ing early? I asked him nicely and he said, "to clean".
I felt good yesterday. no contact with h. right now I am finding it's the best way for me unless it's daughter related. I can't deal with him "hanging around" the house until this meeting.
I will db, I will db, I will db...
Wow, you are where I was in February. And now actually. lol When H is here, it feels...crowded...claustrophobic almost. You will be fine. I would like to add another quote that I use when H lists all my faults... "I can see how you would see it that way....that must have been hard to feel like that." Amazing, how there is really no room for our troubles, our complaints...But if there is reconciliation, I suppose that is the time to tackle everything.
You will do great!!! NO R TALK!!!!
You can do this!
Get off the computer and make sure the kitchen and D's room are clean. Put on something cute/but like you are tackling cleaning/redecorating the house... hair up/in scarf? Mascara and lip gloss... you know.
Start redecorating your bedroom to make it into a sanctuary/hideaway girlie place for you. "Help" him by boxing up/piling neatly, some of his stuff to make room for your new arrangement. Be BUSY when he gets there.
No crying.
You will db, you will db, you will db........
this sounds so awful, but I was married before and we didn't have children. I was SO in love with him (I actually never felt for current h the way I felt for former h), and when he left me I thought I would DIE!! But we didn't have kids, so when it ended --i LITERALLY never saw him again. it was actually easier that way!!
But with current h, we have Isabella (5) and I CANNOT imagine how this will go! How do you get over someone when you HAVE to be in their lives for eternity???? I just got dressed, by the way, and look fanf'ingtastic. I really do (the db diet works great, right)? the house is clean, but not psyhco-clean. Besides, I work from home and actually have work to do. He has taken all his stuff already so Idon't have to deal with that. I just don't understand the POINT in coming over so early!
If he wants to spend time with Isabella, than, wonderful, but she won't be out of school then!
Also, I have to bring up the subject about this weekend. This is our first weekend that she will be with him "away". I had offered to drive her to his office (he's staying an hour away from home, near his office), but then I got to thinking, why should I have to do that? the reason I brought it up was he was making comments about how he doesn't want to drive all the way back here to get her on Friday nights. Then that would mean I only have ONE night to myself and he has SIX!! it's not that I don't love my duaghter but I need 2 nights to myself if I have her all week alone. AND I'm not comfortable with ow in the picture at all. he's not living with her, but I know she lives in the area. what should I do?
You don't offer to drive her. Nicely have him deal with his decisions. Take some kind of a class Friday nights that keeps you from being tempted to do it. I take a yoga class every Friday night that my H has the kids so I'm not tempted to take him up on his often offer of dinner as a family. It ends up with the whole family dynamic, which in many ways I like, but me doing half the work. We eat together often during the week and I'm fine with that, but like to make him stew in his situation. He says the house is empty without me, that it's harder to be with the kids and without me than he thought it would be. Make your H realize some of his realities in the situation.
guys, our parent/teacher meeting is at 3:30. h calls and tells me he is on his way over (It's not even 10AM!!). We are very newly separated (as of monday). WHY does he have to come over to f'ing early? I asked him nicely and he said, "to clean".
Maybe 180 and get out of house? Go Dark.
Maybe you have an important appointment (go for a drive or go to a coffee shop)?
guys! i've already backslided!! r talks, telling him he has to go to therapy or I won't sign papers!!! what is wrong with me???????
guys! i've already backslided!! r talks, telling him he has to go to therapy or I won't sign papers!!! what is wrong with me???????
Nothing is wrong with you! Be strong. We all back slide. Pick yourself up and keep going.
Use whatever tactics you can to stall...
can you give me some tactics?? quick!! I was just telling him i don't want ow near our daughter, blah, blah!! how can I turn this around -- he'll be here until at least 7pm!!
I wanted 12 C sessions. W agreed to 1. We went to all day session with Michele.
You may need to negotiate to get what you want. You will also need to compromize.
can you give me some tactics?? quick!! I was just telling him i don't want ow near our daughter, blah, blah!! how can I turn this around -- he'll be here until at least 7pm!!
I would leave house if you are not in the right state of mind to DB.
Tell him "I don't want to talk to you right now". Change your communication style. Use email or text messaging. Run them past us before sending them....
omg, I just got a letter from my dad -- just now! He enclosed the money for my lawyer and a letter (he never writes letters!). In it, he wanted me to tell h that he loves him and that if he would work on the marriage, ie counseling, etc, that he'll pay for it. (my dad and h have been close over the years). I just told h, and he said, "but it's not going to change anything". (he's having an affair and doesn't "love" me, remember?). I feel like my heart is about to burst.
..., "but it's not going to change anything". ..
Reply with "I understand you feel that way"
This is how I got my W to agree to go:
W, I understand your desire to keep this process moving forward as quickly as possible. I also understand that you feel multiple counseling sessions would be a waste of money and time. I have identified a counselor willing to do one session with us. I need to do this to move forward. Regardless of the future, I am real certain that I never want to be in this situation again. I need to learn from this experience. The session will include co-parenting dialog to assure the least negative effects on S9,S7, and D5. The session will need to be during the day (M-F). I just need to supply them several different dates that work for us so they can fit us in their schedule.
Thank you for understanding
H
ok guys, I made it through the "first visitation". I did some backsliding, but after db'd. parent/teacher thing went very well and when we came back home h played, bathed and fed daughter and I left them alone to have their time. no R talks rest of day. When he was leaving, I smiled and wished him a good drive back.
it's breaking my heart that he can't see the life he is leaving and that this is our home. he's so caught up in his "thing" that he's like someone I don't know right now. all i can do is accept and db, right?
seeing him just opens the wound and i actually think being separated (which I fought for 2 months after bomb) is actually the best thing for ME right now. it's easier NOT to see him and i actually have been really good about NOT calling him/emailing him, etc. it's funny, yesterday, I didn't even have the DESIRE to talk to him.
but he was doing laundry here at home today and was walking around in his boxers. it killed me. I didn't say anything, but it was so "how it used to be" and a part of me wanted to grab him like I would have. now i can't. someone else has that privelegde. i'm not crying, i just can't believe we got to this place so fast!! 3 months ago I had a husband that I thought was solid and would NEVER leave his family. it's stunning.
i'll see him tomorrow when he picks up d. i'll try to db as best as i can, but it is SO f'ing hard!! I'm angry and sad and everything at the same time. I want to punch him out and call him every name in the book, but what I really want is for him to just hold me and tell me he loves me. I guess he is not in that place and I can't force that.
Mary - when you say you're "db'ing" and "not db'ing" when he's there, what do you mean?
so this will be h's first weekend with d. I'm looking forward to the break but dreading seeing him tonight and then on sunday. this sucks so much. I know he's in affair fog, that i know and that is what is helping me keep sane and not hate his guts.
I really need to db and act bubbly and contect,but it's so hard. I will try.
not db'ing -- "don't you know that we have built a life here? what about your daughter?" that kind of jazz.
db'ing -- either saying nothing or just agreeing him and letting it go. looking great, being kind to him when I speak, etc.
...Change your communication style. Use email or text messaging. Run them past us before sending them....
MA, What is your thought on this?
I don't know how to text!! I swear to god!! anyway, tonight, I just plan on having her little bag packed, giving her a big hug and kiss (all the while looking fab), and telling him that I appreciate the fact that he drove here to get her (hour each way).
And then I'll tell them to have a fantastic weekend. That's it.
anything else I should say?
by the way, I DEF. feel a shift this week as my lawyer predicted. This is the first week that he has been out of the house and he calls every day like 6 times "just to see how things are going", accidentially he saw the retainer letter from my lawyer (I had it with the mail and didn't mean for him to see it -- I SWEAR!) and then he started smoking (he never smokes during the day -- ever!) he smoked all day yesterday!!
I don't know, this morning when we spoke briefly and yesterday, I could def. feel something diff. == like he's scared of the real ramifications of all of this. I'm NOT reading into this as if he wants to come home an love me forever,but it's just interesting that when I let unfold, what is to unfold, how he reacts.
...I don't know how to text...
Do a 180: let H pursue....
Do a 180: When H calls, let him leave a voice mail. You can listen to it and have more time to think about an appropriate response.
Do a 180 and learn to text. It is really easy.
Do a 180 and text him your respose.
Do a 180: Text him and ask for D to call you when you want to talk to her.
not db'ing -- "don't you know that we have built a life here? what about your daughter?" that kind of jazz.
db'ing -- either saying nothing or just agreeing him and letting it go. looking great, being kind to him when I speak, etc.
Thanks Mary - that helps clarify.
I just wanted to mention that in my experience, if you're alternating back and forth, while YOU may think you're doing well on the "DB'ing" part, you may as well be begging, pleading, pursuing, and NOT "DB'ing" as far as your H is concerned. Every "not DB" comment couteracts dozens if not hundreds of successful "DBing" times. I hope that makes sense.
I explained it on another thread as basically a chase. Picture you and your H standing on a road. Every non-DB comment sends him either walking or running further away. Right now, your positive DB'ing times are getting him to either slow down, or stop moving away from you. Eventually hopefully he'll head back towards you, but not right now. Right now your goal is to act in a way that slows or stops the running.
Using this analogy I hope it's easier to see WHY those non-DB comments are so destructive. Every single time, it will make him move further away. If you chase him too far, he won't even be able to see those positives anymore, not to mention there will be that much further to go to move back to you.
I will be out of town the next few days and not sure if I'll have internet access but I'll be thinking of you. Stay strong!
that has helped me So much you have no ideal. thank you nik. I think I just had a "light-bulb" moment!
and nik -- tell me when we can talk! I have your number!!
and nik -- tell me when we can talk! I have your number!!
guys, I think you'll be proud of me (nikb!). H came to get d for the weekend. I was upbeat, no cryng (didn't even feel like crying), packed her back and put it in h's car. it's wierd, he spent over an hour here CLEANING (the house was clean, but he is a super neat-freak) and I asked why he was doing that and he said,"i hate the way you keep this house". I said nothing, washed off my back and continued to get d ready to leave.
I said, thank you for coming to get her, you're a great dad, and that was it!!!
Now, it's 1AM, I can't sleep and I don't know why it's hitting me now. I"m not crying but I dread the weekend alone.
so I"m off to lawyer's office now. just giving him his retainer and asking questions. h has been very "quiet" this week with me and I feel a shift (like the new arrangements are a big pain in the ass as my lawyer predicted they would be for him). Every time he comes here, he cleans, does his laundry, like he lives here. like he didn't make the decision to leave. I say nothing, just let him go about his business. I mean last night, (I couldn't WAIT for him to go) he was to pick up d and stayed for over an hour "cleaning". wtf??? He's a neat-freak by nature, but what does he care about the way the house looks now? AND, by the way, it WAS clean. Just not to his standards.
It's so f'ing wierd. I need advice. there is paper that can be drawn up here in ny state that states that d5 is to have ZERO contact with OW (he's having affair). Should I have lawyer put that it the works, or is that a db, no-no? She's only 5 years old and is having trouble with all of this as it is. The thought of her being around my child is unacceptable to me and highly innapropriate. I nicely brought this up to h when he was here on Thursday and he agreed that they would spend the weekend just h and d and that OW wouldn't be around, but he has lied and lied and lied up to this point, how can I believe him? He really seemed sincere and seemed to get that it WAS/IS highly innapropriate, esp. since we haven't even filed anything yet.
What do you guys think?
well, if you don't want any contact then you may have to enforce something. The child comes first so you do what you think is best for your child.
first "official weekend" he has her. I feel so lonely. I know I should have made plans. I just want to nap. (just got up from one_. I feel so sad we aren't a family today. this is the total kind of day (not that long ago!) where we would get in the car and go find a great yard sale and just drive to a new town or whatever.
So f'ing sad he wants to throw that away. WHY didn't he tell, really tell me he was this unhappy BEFORE the A???"? My therapist told me the A gives them the courage to leave. I really believe that in our situation. It's just so unbelievable to me. there were def. issues, I had anxiety/panic attacks last fall and I know it scared him, but he said NOTHING and wasn't there at all for me throughout the whole ordeal. couldn't deal with it. I begged him to go to my dr. with me so my doc could explain anxiety and panic issues with him and he didn't want to go. H has now admitted, NOW, that last fall really sent him over the edge. Also, the sex thing, I could go on and on. I know I am just rambling but I'm just so amazed that my life got to this point and that he is so in this "thing" with this other person. And right now he is really acting like it will have no affect on our daughter. "She'll be fine" are his exact words. nice.
I feel so lonely today. I know I have to GAL, but I just want my family back. this is the kind of day we would do things together and it's so hard. why can't h "remember" just a few short months ago we were a family? It's these times that I feel hopeless. But I've been db'ing, no calling (He's called me, in fact to let me know how Isabellla was doing this weekend), very light and pleasant talk.
I just miss him, I guess. the stupid little things. when the f does this go away?
I'm an atrractive girl and have never had a problem attracting men in my life. there is a guy right now who wants to date me but I just CANNOT. I'm SO not in that place. I know a part of me might get an ego boost or it might help with the loneliness for a minute, but I'm so not feeling it right now. I miss my h. I miss our family. I know, I sound pathetic today and very NOT PMA
You are not pathetic. You are normal but you do need to find something to do when you feel this way. Go for a walk. Go for a coffee. Call up some friends.
MA,
This is my first weekend without kids also (W took them to her sisters wedding).
I have been keeping busy cleaning out my clutter in the house. I went for a nice bike ride. I went out to dinner. I talked to my dad. I talked to my mom.
I told W to have kids call me and say goodnight. Still haven't herd from them tonight....
Stay strong and keep busy!
MA, your feelings are all natural. Let them wash over you, feel them and then use them for strength.
Regarding your girl and the OW, I don't care what DBing has to say about this, but I think you need to put your daughter before anything else. Get something in writing about her staying away from OW. Nothing good can come of it at this point. Be open to change that, but now is not the time for her to be introduced to your daughter.
how are you doing this morning?
a little better -- I went to a friend's house and talked with her. it's noon now and h will be bringing home Isabella around 6pm. HOW DO YOU GET OVER THE LONELY FEELING OF THIS??? I just feel so lost and sad. I can't believe only 3 short months ago I thought I had an intact family. Right now, given the weather here, h would either be working on lawn while Isabella plays outside and I would be "sneaking book time or a small nap". We'd probably grill hamburgers later.
I just can't believe this is real. This is the end of his first week out of the house and while it was a releif in a way during the week, not having to worry about stepping into phone calls with ow, this weekend hit me hard. Does the pain ever stop? Will I ever hear the words, "I love you" in a romantic way?? I never in a million years thought I'd be here.
I never in a million years thought I'd be here.
I totally understand, and feel that way myself sometimes. Ok, all the time. lol
For me, the pain is still there, but has definately become less...raw....And these days I feel less lonely. I still need the space away from crazy (phone calls, H's moods, etc) in order to stay afloat.
It'll get easier if he keeps taking D (love her name!) for time. You have to promise to get out more. No problem that you didn't this weekend, but in the future...you must.
HI:
you are always so sweet to answer my posts. I would love to talk to you. Do you have a few minutes today to speak on the phone?
thank you so much, lwb!
Mary
mary, I am at work all day and don't have a lot of 'space' for private conversations. Tonight I'll have the girls. I have time during the weekday (mornings) where we could maybe talk sometime (H gone, and girls in school). Let me know. I have an email address, but don't know if I am allowed to post?!
EDITED - email addresses are NOT ALLOWED. You have already been warned before.
well guys, I blew it again. h brought d5 home at 4:30, he wasn't supposed to bring her back until 7pm. He just walks in the house like nothing and proceeds (again) to do his laundry and clean (the house was already clean!!). I can't stand the arrogance this man has! I blew up. I told him he can't just come and go as he pleases and treat this house as his home as HE CHOSE TO LEAVE!! He said as long as he's paying the mortgage he can do whatever he wants.
I just blew it. I threatened, said stupid things and totally lost my cool. I then got in my car and went to a friend's house to cool off. HE'S STILL HERE!!! Why does he do this??? If he's so "happy" with his new life wouldn't you think he would be anxious to get back to it?? wtf?? It's so uncomfortable when he's here. I understand that he wants to give d a bath and I appreciate this, but it's excrutiating enough going through this (I cried all day alone) and just seeing him makes it worse.
I really need help in terms of db'ing. I keep thinking of what nikb said that every time I backslide it erases 100 db actions I've done. I know that it true. Why can't I get a hold of myself. It's just that I'm hurting on a level I have never known and I HATE
maryangela -
The divorcebusting.com board rules are very clear. This is a public forum. Sharing personal contact information is not permitted. You violated this rule once and were given a warning. Today, you again decided to post your email address, even after being warned. Because you have disregarded the board rules, you have lost the privilege of posting here and have been banned.
This from Maryangela - posted with her permission:
Hello:
I'm very sorry. I didn't read the rules clearly enough, I can see that. I really need this board as support (and to support others) as I am only in month 2 of my marriage disaster. I can only ask that you reconsider because at this extremely vulnerable and scary time in my life (and my daughter's) this board has been a lifeline. I'm very sorry I broke the rule and it will never happen again.
Thank you for your consideration,
Maryangela
Maryangela -
I appreciate your apology and am happy that you have agreed to follow the board rules.
Your posting privileges have been reinstated. Welcome back to the DivorceBusting.com On-Line Community.
I wish you the best.
Regards,
Virginia Peeples
Vice President
The Divorce Busting Center
sorry guys!!!
Anyway, I totally broke just about every db rule last night when h dropped of d5 yesterday. First of all, he got here at 4:30 and stayed for like 4 hours. he did his laundry (he's been doing this every time now), cleaned (nothing to clean!).
I can't stand it. I just blew up. I threatened, told him I was never divorcing him, the works.
WHY can't I detatch and db????
...WHY can't I detatch and db????
MA, glad you are back!
Stand back up and be strong! We all backslide. Think of H as someone else. Is he the man you married? Remember he is now "Alien Husband"!
Think of the CHA CHA! If you move toward him, he will move away. It is Your turn NOW! You need to move away until he stops movng away. You need to then move back move until he moves toward you....
Keep us posted on WHAT you are DOING to become happy without H!
It's a fresh pain for you right now and Michele's techniques can often seem the opposite of our natural response to the situation. Totally understandable that you lost it the first weekend going through this! Don't worry, "DB-ing" will come easier to you with every opportunity you find, each day, to practice.
Detaching is a process and you learn to let go as you take the focus off everything your H is doing/not doing and put it on achieving the goals you've set for you and your D.
Meanwhile, Ready2Change came up with some great 180s the other day about learning how to text message. Did you get a chance to try it yet? He suggested:
************
Do a 180: let H pursue....
Do a 180: When H calls, let him leave a voice mail. You can listen to it and have more time to think about an appropriate response.
Do a 180 and learn to text. It is really easy.
Do a 180 and text him your respose.
Do a 180: Text him and ask for D to call you when you want to talk to her.
******************************************************
Good Luck!
Hey maryangela.....long time "vet" here....a friend of mine has posted to you several times and thought I'd throw an idea or two at ya.
Are two separated or still living in the same house but different rooms type thing?
bump?
what does that mean?
Hi MA,
Hope you are doing OK!
I'm finding for right now the less contact with h, the better. that's where I am right now. unless it has to do with our daughter, I have to go "mini-dark" for my own sanity. not forever, just for now. I'm still too angry and hurt and I can see that. Every time I see or talk to him, it just comes right out.
Mini dark for me is the only thing that keeps me above water. It hurts more to see him, even though we are at a point where its peaceful.
mary, I foolishly didn't write your email down before you got your 'time out'. I am sorry. I can answer any questions you have on here. Please list them out, and I will try to help as much as I can.
got in HUGE fight with h today. it's freezing here today and tongight it will be 28 degrees. about 6 months ago (long before bomb), h (who is super-cheap), put a "lock box" on the thermostat because I TWICE put it up to 70 degrees. Well, he has the keys ot the f'ing thing and I called him at work and told him he needed to come over and unlock it as it's freezing in here and we have a daughter 5 years old. he refused. HOW COULD YOU REFUSE THIS??? he told me to "break" the box open with a hammer. my friend came over and we both tried to do it and the ENTIRE thing broke along with thermostat meter. I called h and he emailed me f**ck you. I called local hardware store and they came and replaced it. I gave them the number to his work so he'll have to put it on his credit card. I know this is going to make him super-mad and is this a db slide? But this is about HEAT IN THE HOUSE!!! he told me "I'm not driving there for this". that is an exact quote.
I'm at a loss. I don't even know who this man is anymore. clearly spending time with ow is more important. did I just majorly inflame an already bad situation??
Wanting heat in the house is a necessity, not an irritating request. I hope you document the conversations you had today (incl. the email) in case you ever need them or can use them. For him to deny his daughter heat is inexcusable.
My H did something similar once. When my S was only 2 months old the house got to 53 degrees b/c H was too busy going "out" to clean out the furnace and I couldn't run it until it was cleaned. I wound up going to a hotel and putting it to our joint account.
Maryangela,
I just read the post regarding thermostat....usually I am not very judgemental (or at least I do not express it) but your H is not good people. Heat in a house with kids involved? Surely there has to be someone out there who can treat you with the respect you deserve. I am sorry I draw the line at the well being of children. Anyone who puts a lock on a thermostat is not playing with a full deck.
My apologies if i am being too harsh or if i misunderstood something here. I will now read the rest of your sitch.
((Mary))
Catching up after getting back from vaca this weekend.
I understand why you're mad, but I think you could have handled the whole thermostat thing MUCH better. Yes, you probably very seriously inflamed the situation. Remember my walking/running analogy?? I think you sent him into a full on sprint in the opposite direction - increasing both the distance between you, and the odds he'll stop to take a breath and look back, and see someone he may not want to run away from.
You looked needy, desparate, mean and nasty, and definitely NOT like someone he would want to be with. It's in the past now so not much you can do about it, but please do learn from it for the future.
The whole call "sounded" to me like an excuse to call and be nasty to your H. If it came across that way to me I can only imagine it came across that way or worse to your H.
He was just there a couple days ago right? I have a hard time believing you didn't know that colder weather was coming - you could easily have asked for the keys while he was there. But even though you didn't - you still could have handled it SO much better.
Well, he has the keys ot the f'ing thing and I called him at work and told him he needed to come over and unlock it as it's freezing in here and we have a daughter 5 years old.
Demanding that he do XYZ is extremely controlling and OF COURSE he refused. I'm not even surprised. While it's totally reasonable that you wanted the keys to turn the thermostat up, the way you approached it was really bad. Honestly if anyone (even my family!) approached me that way my gut reaction would be exactly what your H's was - F you. I might bite my tongue in the interests of keeping the R with that person good, but it would sure be the first thing that popped into my head.
If you had said instead "H it's supposed to get very cold tonight and we need the keys so we can turn the heater on." Hopefully he'd have offered to bring them.. if not you could follow it up with "Can I meet you at XYZ place to get the keys?"
He knows how old your daughter is, and using her as part of the guilt trip probably pissed him off even further. It's implying he's a bad father because he has the keys with him at work. You didn't even give him the CHANCE to do the right thing.
I actually think THIS is where you made your first mistake. Stop relying on him for ANYTHING other than what he's legally obligated to provide. If there's something you truly do need from him, calm down, and find a way to politely and civilly ASK for it. Think of how you'd ask for a favor from a friend or family member and talk to him THAT way.
I called the local hardware store and they came and replaced it.
Good!! Next time, start here. Take care of it yourself or at least try to. For example maybe you could have called and found out the cost - if it was cheap, just get it taken care of (both the thermostat replacement and the payment). If it was too much, politely call H and ask for the keys - or maybe even say "I called the hardware store and they can come out and replace it for $X. Would you rather I do that, or figure out a way to get the keys here?"
Be a strong, independent woman.
I gave them the number to his work so he'll have to put it on his credit card. I know this is going to make him super-mad and is this a db slide?
Yes, probably will, and I think the minute you picked up the phone was the start to a massaive DB slide. Again I feel like the whole entire thing is an excuse to be nasty to him because you're mad (understandably so, but you need to vent that somewhere other than at your H!).
Do you have a credit card or a joint card? It should have probably gone on that, if you didn't have the cash to pay for it.
Sounds like you need to get a legal financial agreement in place, too. Legally agree to an amount you get, and get it in writing how repairs/necessary work on the house will be paid for.
But this is about HEAT IN THE HOUSE!!! he told me "I'm not driving there for this". that is an exact quote.
Because you were nasty, controlling, and demanding. Had you politely asked he might have driven out. Or, you KNOW it's a long drive, you could have offered to meet him halfway.
I'm at a loss. I don't even know who this man is anymore.
You're right - so back off and leave him alone as much as possible.
Again though, I don't think I'd expect much of a different reaction from MOST people because of your approach. Even if you don't know "him" I think most people would react that way.
That said... I'm glad you DID get things taken care of, and you'll have heat tonight.
John and BJ - I really think it had a lot more to do with Mary's approach than with him being a bad guy.
Wanting heat in the house is a necessity, not an irritating request.
Absolutely! Doesn't even sound like she made a request, though. Sounds like she demanded it.
For him to deny his daughter heat is inexcusable.
Agreed, totally!! I wouldn't even doubt that when he calms down he may just find a way to get the keys there.
Heat in a house with kids involved? Surely there has to be someone out there who can treat you with the respect you deserve.
Had she been respectful when she called, I imagine she'd have gotten a much more respectful response.
I am sorry I draw the line at the well being of children. Anyone who puts a lock on a thermostat is not playing with a full deck.
This, I would agree with. The fact that he did this rather than discuss it calmly and work out an agreement on the heat tells me there was a MAJOR communication breakdown somewhere along the line.
nik -- I know you are right and what you don't know and what I didn't post is that I DID start off VERY nice and asked him about the keys, if there was an extra set in the house, etc. then all Igot were nasty emails.
but yes, I have to keep my cool. I just hate him right now.
Ahh Mary that does make a big difference. I still stand by the "try to fix it yourself first" advice, but if you called and asked nicely first that's a whole different thing than the initial impression that I got. In that case... what a jerk.
Definitely keep your cool and stop any contact with him if you're losing it, though.
did I just majorly inflame an already bad situation??
Who cares? The guys an a$$. Why would you want him as he is right now anyway? I'd say the OW got the raw end of the deal getting him. He doesn't deserve you right now...keep reminding yourself, "I'm too good for a jerk like that."
This guy had a lock on the thermostat before the bomb and Mary is the controlling one???? I agree with Phoenix2....this guy is a real a$$?%$e!
ok guys, I need to vent. I was having a good 2 days. I'm going back to school in August (to be a drug and alchohol counselor -- something I"v e wanted to do for years), I bought my first I pod, and there was no contact with h!!!
I'm finding that when I talk to him I just rage inside. I need help detatching in a big way. I hate him so much right now. what he's doing to me, my d5 asking "when is daddy coming home?" every 2 minutes, the whole thing. HE is LITERALLY someone I don't know. my therapist told me that when men engage in an affair it is quite like a drug addiction -- the "good" feelings are addicting so they begin to act like an addict. that is exactly what I feel like -- like I'm dealing with an addict. my mom was an alcoholic my whole childhood and this is exactly what it feels like.
ok, detatch, that is key, I know.
I know this is going to make him super-mad and is this a db slide?
Who cares? What a jerk. If you started out with a nice request and he refused, I would have done what NikB said, taken care of it myself and not another word to H. So you'll do it next time. He is still a royal jerk.
I'm still in awe of the lock on the thermostat.!!??
Have you looked into any type of therapy for your daughter? She is obviously going through something if she is constantly asking about him. She is probably feeling very insecure. What are your answers when she asks?
Yes, detach. And time. You can't hurry this process. There is a cycle of sadness, anger, peace, detachment. I go through it daily, hourly even. The trick is to not get caught in one phase, keep it flowing.
This guy had a lock on the thermostat before the bomb and Mary is the controlling one???? I agree with Phoenix2....this guy is a real a$$?%$e!
I didn't say she was the controlling one - I said the way she approached him IN THIS CASE was not effective for that reason (the demanding/controlling tone). But, in hearing that she asked nicely up front, I agree - complete and total jerk.
I think the thermostat lock points to a HUGE communication problem. Absolutely, under normal circumstances, someone would NOT do that. If he felt so strongly about the temperature thing they should have sat down and TALKED about it then agreed to some type of compromise and stuck with it. That's how mature adults would handle it.
Mary - congrats on the iPod and on school, that's great!!
Yes, work on detaching.
Have you told your daughter that Daddy doesn't live there? I think that conversation needs to happen at some point if it hasn't already.
yeah, the thermostat (and that is just one example of his controlling freakishness) made me furious at the time, but of course, I let it go. NO ONE could believe it when they saw it in the house -- it became a kind of joke. I'm seeing him now for what he really is.
Oh man, Mary, that is just awful!
You've got some good advice here and I hope you and your daughter are okay.
Yes, detach. And time. You can't hurry this process. There is a cycle of sadness, anger, peace, detachment. I go through it daily, hourly even. The trick is to not get caught in one phase, keep it flowing.
Nice statement!
i"m actually (and I can't believe I'm saying this) not sure I want him back. This situation has forced me to look at many, many red flags of lies over the years (and not innocent little lies, like pot dealers coming to our home that he said were students at the university he works at, he regularly engaged in prostitution prior to meeting me (probably after) and a couple of times they were with transvestites), I don't know, even if I had the opportunity to take him back, he never talks about his feelings -- never -- and keeps things inside. Clearly this pattern of behavoir that I'm peicing together is troubling to say the least
Maryangela,
I have just recently started reading your posts. The more I read, the more I think this is the best thing that has ever happened to you. I am sorry, we are supposed to be here to fight for our marriages but somethings are not worth fighting for. I know you will realize somewhere down the line that you are much happier with someone who respects you.
We only get one side of the story here but the side I am reading is getting uglier by the minute. You are not sure you want him back? Why don't you do a little excercise for yourself and perhaps you can share it with us if you like. On one side you can write down all the negatives, including the red flags over the years. On the other side, the positives. Then you (we) can continue the discussion. Right now, it is pretty one sided.
thanks john: I will do just that:
Positives:
Very funny/sarcastic
WAS very dependable, always pays bills on time, etc
Great, involved, loving father
Attractive
smart -- like me, can talk about all sorts of issues
Negatives:
has past history with prostitutes and transvestites
I know he was a "player" before he met me
I'm the ONLY long-term relationship he has ever had
moved out of this mother's house at 27!
Has OCD/ADD issues -- super, super clean, can't sit still to even watch a movie, expects YOU to be as psycho-clean as he is
lied about pot dealer coming to our home for over a year
catch him in "little lies" and when I would says, "I will say anything to shut you up"
not great in bed -- I was never fully satisfied because he is closed to emotionally.
can't go to him for ANYTHING emotionally-related. He HATES feeling talks
totally abandoned me when I went through a couple of anxiety/depression phases
not affectionate -- only a VERY beginning of relationship
thinks people are "idiots", has an air of superiority that he is "perfect" and if people just did things like he did, the world would be better place
does this help paint a picture?
Yes it does for me....although I am still stuck on that thermostat...which leeds me to believe he is super cheap and I just can not match that up with loving father....especially a few days ago. I have a hunch your H is and was a little on the selfish side.....where did he put the money he saved on the heating bill......probably up in smoke.
Anyway, the picture was not for me neccesarily but for you. If you were my sister, I know what i would be telling you ...... even before the bomb or OW. But since I am involved emotionally myself with a less than ideal spouse, I understand your hesitation.
Just one more question, do you still have your parents and or siblings. Can they help out for a while?
Good luck to you.
Mary,
Don't forget controlling. Clearly the guy has control issues. When our heating bill was out of control, I had one of those systems installed that turns down the heat when you're not around. I see now that maybe a lock was better. Just kidding. Is this his only example of having to control things, or does he do that with everything?
he does it with everything.