I just realized my thread was "locked." I don't know how to include my previous thread so that you can click on it and read it. It was "She's Gone - No Contact."
My situation is the same as the previous post. No news is good news I hope. I'd love to her from her but will keep waiting patiently a little longer.
Would love to hear some of your advice. The "test the waters" card was sent around March 3. Should I send another one around April 3?
Thanks to all for your support and expert advice.
I'm depressed again. I was so hoping to hear from her by now. It's spring and I have "spring fever." I want to get out and enjoy going places and doing things but things are so much more enjoyable with GF. I miss her so badly. Does anyone have any encouraging words?
Thanks.
Hey K,
Just wanted to post and say hi. I'm not really sure what to say about your tentative date for your next "test the waters" card. It may be too soon. A month to us LBS seems like a lifetime but I'm not sure the WAS sees or feels the same..
You're lucky that you've got spring fever.. I'm wishing I could get that feeling but I've been told that we're not done with old man winter up here in Canada yet.. supposedly we're supposed to get more snow but I'm not sure when.. I don't get to watch the news too often.. more children's tv in my house (not that I'm complaining because I don't really want to hear the weather forecast anyway)!
Try to do something to pamper yourself.. something to distract you but that will make you feel good.. This is a tough journey but you are hanging in there.. you just have to get through todays dip and hopefully you'll wake up tomorrow refreshed.. Keep venting your feelings here, as you do, because it's better to have them out of your system then holding them in or sharing them with you GF.
W2G
Don't make the card a priority.....cards are nice but actions speak louder than words.
Thanks W2G! Yes, a month seems like an eternity. I'll try to wait a little longer. This is so difficult. I hate it and I don't understand why she doesn't feel like I do. Why doesn't she miss me? Why doesn't she at least want to talk to me on the phone? How much longer do I "wait?" FYI - officially broke up one year ago. Saw each other a handful of times between March & Oct when we "got back together" temporarily and had 10 - 15 "dates". Then - "broke up again" early Nov. Haven't seen her since. Haven't talked on phone since mid - Dec. Is there any hope? It's been 4 months! I'm terribly frustrated.
Thankfully, I am trying to stay busy with grad school. I live near Memphis,TN so yes, it's officially spring. Very nice except for storms.
Thanks to you too FA. By "actions speak louder" do you mean no contact? She has no reason for contact with me and cannot see or experience the "new me." Thanks!!
K
Kin,
In some ways all long term relationships are similar, but consider for a minute that this is your GF, not your wife, and there isn't even legalities to attend to. Surely there have been times you've broken up with girlfriends in the past or been broken up with. Do you ever consider what they are doing, have changed, or want to try again? That's sometimes how it is with a girlfriend/boyfriend or girlfriend/girlfriend situation; you go your separate ways and never look back...even when it was longterm.
I can't read her mind, but her silence has given you clues that she sees it as over...any further efforts on your part will not be well received by her. I would suggest that you move forward as though this relationship is over. If she has second thoughts, she'll contact you...otherwise I wouldn't attempt more cards or other forms of contact. This may seem harsh. While it's true she won't see your changes, it may be equally true that she doesn't care if she sees any. If she wanted to know what's up with you, she'd get in contact with you. Sorry to be so blunt. Move forward with your life, and that may include dating when you are ready. You can't make her want to try again...so you pretty much have to be pleasantly surprised if she does (and you are still open to the thought).
I know this is advice you have received from people that aren't on this board...that anyone else would give you, but it still holds. The only thing you can do is get your own life in order and fulfilling as possible. Answer me honestly, if the roles were reversed and your partner was holding on desperately from afar, their life on hold and incomplete without you, would you find that attractive? I sense that your life is on hold while you wait for her. It can't be. You need a life that she would be crazy not to want to share with you.
Thank you. Yes, I thought of that this morning. No "excuse" for contact - no legal marriage, no kids, no commitment, she's not accepting of her sexuality, etc. I have never had anyone break up with me before like this but people I have "ended" it with - you're right - I have never looked back and have no desire to reconcile with any of them. But obviously many people do or there would be no hope for all the people on this site. Am I right on this?
Your last question - no, I suppose if the roles were reversed I wouldn't find that attractive. I'm not sitting around crying or "waiting" for her. Except as the rest of you do - no dating, still open to the possibility of reconciliation, etc. I've been advised on here before not to date anyone else yet. You think I should huh?
I love her with all my heart and feel like she will eventually call me (don't know when). We had something very special between us even though some of the time things were bad. Do you think I should give up hope?
Thanks. Yes, honesty hurts sometimes but thanks. K
Hi K - finally have some time to check back in! (please don't think I've been ignoring you, I just haven't been on a whole lot lately.. in fact long overdue for an update on my own thread).
I think Just_Me makes some good points.
I know you say your life's not "on hold" waiting for her, but it sure appears that way from what we see here. Granted we only see a very small part of the story, but hopefully it's good to know how it looks from the "outside."
I have never had anyone break up with me before like this but people I have "ended" it with - you're right - I have never looked back and have no desire to reconcile with any of them. But obviously many people do or there would be no hope for all the people on this site. Am I right on this?
I'm sorry.. I know how much this hurts (and how much what I'm about to say will hurt). I DO think a lot of people here have reason to hope, but many don't, as well. I know for example that when my SIL left her XH.. there was NO CHANCE. I've said it before but in case you haven't seen it.. he could find world peace and the cure for cancer, she would still want NOTHING to do with him. She was that "done" by the time she left. My stepmom also left my dad last year.. I think he had a chance for a few months but when nothing changed, she left, again, no chance now. I think sooo many people have partners still in doubt, but sometimes, it really is just too far gone.
Is that the case for you? Don't know... but it may be true. And like Just_Me, I think you'll actually be MORE attractive (to yourself and possibly to her, if she notices) if you think of it that way.
I DON'T think you should date until you feel ready, you are happy with yourself and might just want to share that with someone else. I don't personally think you're there but that's a choice you have to make of course. If you had let her go at this point I'd say go for it.. but I don't think you have yet.
Give up hope? Nah.. but give up on your old R? Yes, definitely. Something special could happen again, but move on until then.
Sorry..ouch.. ((((K))))
Do you think I should give up hope?
No. I think there are unforseen circumstances that can lead to her wanting to try again with you. Maybe, as before, she'll come back around. You want to be in a position where she thinks, "wow, Kin really has got her act together". There is a difference between needing someone and wanting someone....try to get more in the mindset that you don't actually need her to be happy...you'd just prefer her to share your life.
If your partner has problems with her sexuality, then these are things you can't really control no matter what you do. But if she's not even sure that she shares your sexual orientation, I don't know if she would be the greatest choice for you. She's got to get her own head around this...she can't be otherwise convinced. While she may not be accepting of her sexuality, might you also not be accepting of her confusion about her sexuality? What may be black and white to you may be much more gray to her.
I've been advised on here before not to date anyone else yet. You think I should huh?
How do you feel about your life? Are you happy with it? Do you still enjoy things? I know single life can be boring, but it also offers opportunities that aren't available to couples. If you feel like you don't actually need anyone in it to stave off boredom, etc, then I think you are in the right place to date. If it's only to get through the lonely times while you wait for your partner to come back, then it really isn't fair to anyone else you might date. If you think you can be open to the possibility of a relationship with someone else, and leave your past behind you, then date. Personally, I think that sometimes we can't really see our partner without the rose colored glasses until we've allowed ourselves to look around at what other people have to offer.
What's your partner doing now? Is she dating women, men, or no one? Is she in another relationship?
Thanks to both of you. Hey Nik - good to hear from you. Ok - I admit, my life seems somewhat "on hold" at the moment. I want this to work out so badly. We had so many plans together. It's hard to completely let go. You're right - I'm not ready to let her go enough to move on to someone new.
During one of our recent breakups, she said, "After some of these negative feelings heal up, I may call you. It may be a week, a month, a year." I said, "A year? I'll be living with someone else by then!" She said, "If you'd be living with someone else by then you must not really be in love with me."
What do you make of that?
Also, what exactly do you mean by "give up on the old R". I think I have. I realize that IF she were to call, we'd start absolutely new. I am happy, doing things with friends & family, finishing up my graduate degree, contemplating my life, trying to lose weight (it ain't easy) etc. What more can I do?
Just Me - Thanks for your expert advice. I really appreciate it.
You say she may think I've got my act together but we have NO contact. Don't live in the same area or have mutual friends even. She would have to pick up the phone and take the first step if anything will ever happen.
I think I've come a long way lately toward thinking that I don't need her to be happy, just prefer her. Which is true. I'm happy alone. I could be happy with someone else. I just don't want to start over and we really did have amazing chemistry. And I'm still in love with her. I have a feeling she's still in love with me too and is pushing the feeling away because of the religious stuff and the fact that we argued more than she's comfortable with. (My shrink says the religious stuff is just an excuse, that when a person wants to be with someone, there will be no excuses.)
I've never mentioned this before but she is depressed & anxious by nature and takes meds for that. She was abused as a child. She has issues that she hasn't dealt with. I still love her.
Yes, I know I can't control the sexuality vs. religion issues. That's something that her background is controlling. You're right, I'm not accepting of her confusion because of what I said above (what shrink said). Also, she lived with her ex-GF for 12 years. Where was the religious stuff then?
Yes, I am happy with life when I'm not thinking about her. I am blessed - good job (not entirely happy with it but it's OK), great salary, nice home, good friends, good church, great health, etc. Yes, I am bored. Not literally because I have a thousand things to do at home. But bored in that I used to go shopping, to movies, to dinner, play tennis, watch TV, eat, etc. with the person I love and make love with and now I don't. Do ya'll understand that? So, yes, I would like to have someone to do all those things with. Yes, if I found someone I liked, I realize my feelings for her would dissipate. My shrink says the best way to get over her is to find a replacement. So your last sentence is in line with that (rose colored glasses).
I have no contact with her or any of her friends or co-workers. So I can't say that I know anything of what she's up to. The last thing I did (6 weeks ago) was drive by her house when I knew she was out of town and she had a "For Sale by Owner" sign in the front yard. Which upset me. I loved that house and even thought of buying it myself if she ever sold it. I don't even know if she's still living there. I feel pretty certain that she's dating no one. She's made it pretty clear (although she is never sure of herself for long) that she is dating NO more women because God doesn't want it! She really doesn't care for men at all. She's entertained that idea in the past 2 or 3 years and she said it was not at all comparable to being with a woman.
Thanks to you all. This is so helpful to be able to vent, write, etc. Good luck to you all. I know you all have problems of your own. God bless you & Happy Easter!
Kin,
Let me share a little story with you. There was a time I was hung up on my first wife...and in all honesty, it was "hung up". I expressed, at least to myself, what you have about your gf. But she has issues, and looking back now, I realize what I wanted was my kids (and I still would like my kids all the time) and I wanted the dream of a good relationship. But it was only that, a dream of what might have been, much like you had plans with your gf. Now remarried, I realize these things. It actually took having my current wife to see this. I wonder if having a relationship with someone that doesn't only share your dream, but also embraces their sexual orientation wouldn't be helpful to you. It's not as though your leaping into anything. These issues with your gf are her cross to bear. This could be it for her...no more women ever. If she should ever embrace her sexuality, then she can give you a call....maybe you'll be available (hopefully if it's like 2 years you won't be) and willing to trust her again.
Thanks JM. I will give all this some thought.
Do you think it's wrong to want to know how she's doing, etc.? I wish I had some connection to at least find out if she's sold the house but the circumstances are that I don't.
I'm feeling pretty good this weekend (Easter & my birthday). NikB suggested a month or so ago that I set a deadline for "hanging on" to hope and I set it at May 20 (it was 3 months from the day she suggested it which must have been Feb. 20) but I think I'm about ready to let it go now. I'm exhausted from thinking positively, hoping, praying, etc.
Any advice?
I decided to drive by her house - she's at work and I'm off work - to see if she was still living there or not. Well - I still don't know. The "For Sale" sign is gone. But the yard looked messy. She's an obsessive gardener. She would have had the grass mowed and the landscaping looking nice. It didn't. But - the porch furniture was still there which she made so I really don't think she would have left it. Her old truck was also gone. So I got mixed information. Shades in the front appeared to be different but maybe she went out and bought new ones.
For now, I'm trying to think positively. The sign was gone, the porch furniture was still there and the shades were all adjusted like she would have adjusted them before she went to work.
Those are the only clues I could find. I couldn't see inside the house without driving up which I didn't want to do.
I'm doing good. I just knew she was at work and I really love that house and just wanted to drive over (a beautiful day) plus I was hoping for a clear "yes, still there" or "no, moved".
What does everyone think?
A little stalkesque. I know that you just want to know what's going on, but what would you think if an ex-girlfriend was driving by your place after you broke up with them? You are way to wrapped up in her. Sorry to be so blunt. Why don't you get out some and see what else is out there? Know anyone else that may be available?
I know it appears inappropriate. The truth is, if an ex drove by my house once every month or two, I wouldn't mind. Actually, I wouldn't even notice it.
Yes, I know I am too wrapped up in her. And no, no one else. Where I live, beautiful, intelligent, professional gay women are VERY hard to come by (one reason I've been hanging on). I will try.
I am especially anxious to try as I have had it with her. She didn't even call or send a card for my birthday and I consider that very mean. I had her a VERY nice bd in October. So, I think the time has come....
What do you all think? Am I making too big of a deal of the b.d. acknowledgement?
No,
I think it's a reasonable guage of where she's at. I wouldn't get upset about it, anymore than old girlfriends of yours should be upset that they didn't get a birthday card from you this year.
JM - I know you think I'm crazy and hard-headed but out of 5 ex-girlfriends, I'm still VERY close (friends) to 4 of them and not only send them cards but also gifts (3 are in my hometown, 2 are married and the only single one is my best friend). The out of town one is living with her girlfriend. My two ex-boyfriends & I do not stay in contact (they are married). I just hug them and have a few moments of friendly conversation when I run into them.
I see your point however. It still hurts.
K,
Thanks for stopping by my thread!! I know what you mean about seeking out other DB'ers who also have very little contact, or absolutely no contact!! For a long time I was worried about that, "how can I show my changes if we have absolutely no contact?" But then I shifted my focus to really working on myself and looking at my issues and making changes. I actually appreciate all this time I have to do that work. I think I need it.
I read most of your first thread, and then the last part of this one. So I might get things mixed up with the chronology. And I may say stuff that has already been said by others!! Please forgive!!
A couple things I noticed:
- It sounds like GF is really, really, really, really confused about who she is, what she believes, and what she wants. I am going to give you the same advice that I gave myself. I think the most loving thing you can do right now, as a friend, GF, and human being, is to give her the time and space she has asked for to figure herself out. I honestly think the more you remove yourself from the situation, the less she can blame you for anything, and the more she has to look at herself. The drama that's going on with her current GF/ex-GF and religion and everything is something she has to figure out for herself, by herself. Anything you say to try to convince her that she should believe the same thing as you or be with you will only make her push you away. I think that is the essence of LRT. You can still DB while you are doing all of this!
- It seems like most of your posts are about GF, and speculating about her GF. But from what I understand, whether our spouse/SO/whatever is involved with someone or not, it actually shouldn't affect our DBing. Also, what about K??? What are you doing to make yourself happy and GAL and work on yourself?
Do you feel like there is an intuitive voice telling you what to do? If so, what does it say?
I am not sure that this is helpful.... this is just what I noticed.
((HUGS))
transformer
Thanks so much T.
I started graduate school back in August so I'm involved in that. It has gone well and I'm almost finished!
Tried to go out with my friends more. Tried to "work on myself". Very hard to do because prior to GF I had read tons of "self-help" relationship books and thought I was so ready. So I've continued to read and make attempts at becoming less controlling, listen more - talk less, etc. It's hard to implement these new changes without GF to try them out on. I sort of have a totally different relationship with my close, longtime friends where I can totally be myself. GF was such a "different" person, I had to be careful what I said and what I did to keep from offending her. Things I've never had to worry about with anyone else. But they are legitimate changes that needed to have been made. It's not like I'm changing "for her." I'm changing for me and my future, whatever that may bring. I've tried to lose weight and haven't been successful so far.
Unfortunately, I have no intuitive voice. I certainly wish I had one. I pray constantly for guidance but seem to get no answers. The only "intuition" I've had is the weekend I drove over because I felt certain she had put up a "for sale" sign in the yard and sure enough, she had.
Also, I really feel in my heart that she will return to me. It may be 6 more months, it may be 6 more years, but we weren't "finished." Does that make sense? Despite the arguing, differences, not getting along, we had a very passionate, loving connection.
I am very restless and was before I met her. I really want to move away somewhere else, bigger city, where I can meet people. But I'm afraid of being lonely and alone in a new place. I've never done anything like that before (except college many years ago). I'm not happy with my job so I'm trying to figure out WHERE to go and WHAT to do. I really am very blessed and probably should be content, but I'm not.
Anyone with advice, please help!
What does everyone think I should do to GAL or "work on myself?" I feel so much better than I did 4 months ago but I still don't feel happy to just be alone. I know how happy I was with a "significant other" in my life and I compare my life now and there's no comparison! What should I do?
Hi K,
I guess my question for you is do you need your gf in order to be happy? Try to be as honest with yourself as possible. If the answer is no.. then I would say to keep trying to stay active, keep yourself busy by getting a life.. if the answer is yes.. then you need to continue working on yourself. The only person we should ever need to be happy is ourselves.
Hugs,
W2G
Thanks WTG. Honestly, I am still feeling as if my happiness will come from being with a partner (and preferably GF). I'm OK alone but I've been alone too much of my adult life already. I'm at a "crossroads" where I'm ready to be "married."
What specifically should I do to "work on myself?" I want to become "ready" for the day when I meet the wonderful partner God will lead me to (GF or someone else).
I don't know that I'll ever give up hope that GF will return to me but I realize that I must move on.
Thanks.
The problem with thinking that your happiness will come from being with a partner is that you are so dependent on the other person.. when you need to depend on yourself. In needing to be with someone else to find happiness you are creating so much pressure (although initially during the newlywed phase it wouldn't be noticed) that chances are with time you will empty the life force completely out of your partner. Which is what I worry that I did to my H!
I've read a few books lately.. so I can't remember if it was from the Why Mars and Venus Collide or For Women Only.. but one of the stated that women are responsible for finding their own happiness... to the level of 90% and that they can expect there man to only be able to top off the last 10%.. now I'm not sure if it's the same when speaking in terms of two women.. but it is something to consider.
I think if you would truly find happiness within yourself that someone will come along (possibly your gf) when you aren't actively thinking about it or needing it all the time. KWIM?
W2G
Thanks W2G! You are exactly right. I was WAY too dependent on GF and she felt suffocated. I see that now and regret my behavior so much. I know I need to create my own life and be responsible for my own happiness.
I am doing so much better than a year ago. I am basically happy most of the time. I have ups and downs though. Sometimes I don't even think of her, I'm totally happy with whatever I'm doing, etc. Sometimes I get depressed. But it doesn't last long. It is getting better. It has just taken me a LONG time to get to this point. I guess I'm hard-headed.
What would you recommend besides trying to be happy & content (attitude) with being alone? I read a lot and enjoy cooking and, unfortunately, eating. I spend time with my close friends walking (for exercise) and going out to eat & to movies, etc. I work every day and go to grad school one night a week and have homework, etc. I am very active in my church. All that keeps me extremely busy.
There's just that daily (sometimes once, sometimes more) reminder that I don't have her in my life anymore and want her back. It's not just the life partner & sexual aspects I miss. She was my best friend for 2 years. I had a relationship with her like no other. I miss that.
Thanks so much. K
W2G: I forgot to ask you. What does KWIM mean? Haven't seen that one before.
Hi K,
What you can do to be happy with you.. have you achieved everything you'd like to where your profession is concerned? Your health (like healthy eating and regular exercise), have you taken up some new hobbies? Have you gone out of your way to make new friends? (Because when you continue to just do the things you always did with your SO.. even if you're happy doing them.. I find that in the back of your mind there is always the thought that "this is something we used to do together".. which means that although you're happy.. it's not an opportunity to be completely happy... KWIM (know what I mean?)). I'm also curious to know if all of your friends are in relationships? Most of mine are.. and I find that tough. It's getting easier with time.. but I'm looking to try to make new friends with people who are separated or divorced. I don't want the negative talk that might come with that.. but it will be refreshing to not here about my husband did this, my husband did that.. and the "we" word.. .
It's all so personal.. "I" truly don't know what you can do to make yourself happy.. That should be all of our goals. If our SO never came back.. what steps do we need to take to lead a full and happy life for ourselves?
I am in a different situation then you (as I have contact with my WA due to having a child).. and even I have a hard time with being happy with just me.. Thankfully I can get lost in my little girl and most of the time.. she really can remind me that I have so much to be grateful for.. which then allows me to remember the great things about me.. and that makes me happy.. I have some really good friends, which I've read in your posts that you do too, and in reflecting on how great your friends are you should internalize it that you draw great people to you.. therefore you are great.. seeing all of the fantastic things about you will hopefully help you to find your happy.
Believe me.. I totally understand the loss of your best friend (he was my best friend for nearly 9 years).. but for now I have a really good friend from work (former work.. quit my job last week) and I have everyone on this BB.. and it's not the same but it does help. Do you have a "someone" that you are able to confide in... kind of like a stand in best friend for you since the separation?
I wish I knew what the fix would be my friend.. I really do!
Hugs,
W2G
Thanks WTG.
Yes, most of my friends are married. I have some good friends though. My best friend is an ex but we do a lot of things together (no chance of reconciliation). We're "just friends." I do need some new friends and hopefully, ones who are single. Even better, gay.
I appreciate all your wonderful help. This is so frustrating to love someone with all your heart and they don't feel the same.
If I "knew" she wasn't coming back to me, I guess I would go ahead and find someone else to date (so difficult to do). Like my shrink says, "find a replacement" and thoughts of her will fade. I hope he's right and I hope I can find someone.
Just "journaling." Had a great, "up" weekend. I realize there will be a day or two down the road that will go back "down" but for now, I feel good. I am analyzing the heck out of my life and what I want to do, where I want to live, what kind of people I want to hang out with, etc. I have some great friends and I'm very blessed with almost every aspect of my life but I really need something new in my life. Not sure what.
K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a wonderful post! I am so pleased for you that you had a good weekend.. and that you are feeling good!!!!
Your post sounded much different then the ones I remember from you before... it really made me smile to read it!!
Hugs,
W2G
Hi K,
Haven't checked in for a bit - but you sound great!!! Glad to hear it. Hooray for good weekends.
What "something new" do you think you might like in your life? Other than a GF since you don't really have a lot of control over that (nevermind the fact that building an R takes time). Anything you've always wanted to do but thought "Nah that's crazy"??
Hey W2G - thanks for dropping in. Looks like you're doing great. Your husband's ordeal sounds terribly painful. I'm sorry for him. Good luck to you regarding the "relationship."
Hey Nik - thanks for dropping in to you, too. Hope you're doing great. Yeah, I've decided to find someone who actually WANTS a wonderful, loving person in their life. To heck with "whats-her-name."
Something new I guess refers to moving away somewhere. I still live in the same town where I grew up, have the same childhood friends and I just dream about starting over somewhere else. But, on the other hand, I'm actually becoming more comfortable with my house and my "old" friends than I've been in a long time. I can't seem to make up my mind. One day it's one thing, the next day, another.
For now, I'm concentrating on finishing grad school, losing weight, working on myself and fixing up my house. Whether I live in it or sell it, it needs some work so I'm going to spend some time and money on it this spring & summer.
It's good to hear from you ladies. Good luck to you and your families.
Advice please - Here's the short version:
Haven't seen her in 6 months.
Haven't spoken with her in 5 months.
Haven't communicated via text in 2 months.
Sent a card 6 weeks ago (no response).
No acknowledgement of my birthday 3 weeks ago.
Question - Should I send another card to "test the waters"? If so, when? Or should I assume she's not interested and leave her alone. Thanks!
Hey K - hate to say it but I think just leave her alone. She knows where to find you if she's interested. And she can't pursue you if you're already chasing her.
Thanks Nik. Yes, I think you're probably right. It hurts like heck but I guess I have no choice.
Does anyone else have an opinion?
Is there ANYTHING I can do or should do?
Maybe you just need closure.
Maybe you should just call her up, say, "I just wanted to touch base with you and see how you're doing." And take it from there...maybe if it's going well, see if she wants to get a coffee and catch up. If it goes poorly, then just let go. Maybe say, "it's been really nice knowing you. I'm glad we had the time together that we had."
One thing that's a little different with your situation is the gender situation. It wouldn't be such a problem, except your girlfriend is unsure of her sexual orientation. When I put myself in her shoes: If I had a gay relationship, but then decided it wasn't right for me...or maybe that I felt I wasn't gay....I wouldn't want to be pursued by my former lover. But, maybe you can lay the groundwork to be friends, if nothing else, and never be "girlfriends" in that way again. Would you be good with that....just friends?
Thanks JM, you make me feel better. I'm afraid to call though. If she doesn't answer or is negative, I'll feel worse. That's why I've always done the "card thing." One way communication with the hope that she will call or something. Do you really think I should call or maybe send a card or a text?
Yes, I do need closure. If she would sit down and talk with me and tell me she's happy and going "straight", and has no desire to be with me anymore, etc., I would feel much better about everything. I could definitely close this door. Or, if she said she's still thinking through the situation, I could hang on a little longer. I just don't know which to choose. Of course, she told me the last time we talked she didn't want any further communication with me and "our paths are not the same - as lovers or friends." Whatever that means.
I see your point with the sex. orient. confusion. This is just a "phase". She's been "gay" her whole life. She's just been brainwashed with the religious stuff. At least, that's how I see it. I told her about a year ago when she was expressing concern with all this that she'd change her mind and decide to be happy and content with her sexuality when she is older (she's only 38). I expect her to definitely call in 2, 3, 4 years. Of course, I may not be available.
On the other hand, yes, I suppose if I was trying to give it up, I'd run the other way. But I would never make that decision so it's hard to empathize.
Regarding being "just friends", we had/have such a Passionate connection, I really don't think we could be around each other without being attracted to each other. Which is possibly why she's avoiding me. But, yes, I would really love to just be "friends" with her if that's all I could have. I sincerely do miss her friendship.
Thanks for your input.
Kin,
I think you put yourself in her shoes, but with your own feelings. You say, "it's just a phase she'll grow out of" and she's been brainwashed. And that you couldn't be around each other without there being attraction for each other. Maybe for you there would still be attraction, but we don't know what she feels. And maybe her religion is more important to her than you are. I wouldn't understate the importance that religion has for some people. From her perspective, you could be like a drug dealer that keeps trying to get her rehooked on drugs that she gave up and wants no part of.
It's been 5 months since she talked to you. Do you avoid calling because if you don't, you can maintain the feeling that she still feels something for you, and a call has the potential to smash this illusion? You have more to gain from closure (your freedom, your life moving forward, ? chance of reconnecting?) than by waiting 2,3,4 years for something that may never happen.
Good points JM. Yes, the drug dealer thing is exactly how I think she feels at this point.
The main reason I'm avoiding calling is most everyone has advised me to not call, "leave her alone." Someone said, "she can't pursue you if you're still pursuing her." So that's the main reason. I still have hope and I want to do every single thing to make the hope a possibility.
Another reason is, I got no response from a text message in early Feb. I got no response from a card sent in early March. I got no card/text/gift on my birthday in late March. I wouldn't be surprised if I called her, that she would not return the call, answer the phone (she has caller ID on cell & house phones) or anything - she will probably just ignore it.
But I'm willing to try if you think I should. I realize sometimes the ones who leave don't really know what they want and she might actually be happy that I call. Or maybe she's ready to "be friends". Or I guess if I get the cold shoulder, I'll know she's "through" and I can move on. Actually that's where I am now. By her actions (inaction) I'm assuming she's "through." Don't you agree? Why should I even call her?
By the way, I will not wait 2 years. I am not waiting now. If someone else came along, I'd go for it. If I knew she just needed more time, I'd wait - maybe 2 or 3 more months at the most.
Regarding the "illusion" - I don't know anything for sure. But in the past, when we've broken up, she has told me that it was very difficult, she was miserable, etc. I honestly think (not being cocky) she still loves me & cares for me and will NOT (like the ex-druggie) let herself call me to reconcile - "because God doesn't want it" - that's what she said in Nov. (She thinks our inability to get along was God intervening to let us know it's wrong.) And if she's "happy" without me, then I suppose that's the best thing for everyone.
Thanks for helping.
I forgot - does anyone else have an opinion on this?
Do I call, not call, text, send a card, leave her alone?
Thanks.
I thought of something else. I have a sense that I need to send one more apology letter. I have sent many in the past 2 years. The last one was Thanksgiving. Also a "text" apology in Dec.
The reason I'm thinking I need to do this is because I read (in the past 2 days) all the cards and letters she gave me. For the first time, I am seeing how much she loved me and how foolish and selfish I was. It's like I'm reading these for the first time. "I was blind but now I see." Time after time I acted selfish, needy, demanding, etc. I did not appreciate what she had to offer and was always demanding (or asking) for more. I see now what a fool I was.
What does anyone think of sending one, "last", apology letter stating the above and asking forgiveness and expressing an interest in establishing a friendship (whenever she's ready)?
Thanks. K
Ok everyone: please vote for one.
1. Call her.
2. Send another card.
3. Send another (the last) apology letter.
4. Leave her alone & "wait" for her to initiate contact.
Thanks for helping. I'm really torn. K
You're not getting much input from anyone besides me. I'll give my vote and see if anyone else chimes in.
1. Call her: I'd vote this if this will in some way give you closure...either know she's truly done or explore if there is still hope for a relationship.
2. Send another card: Just impersonal pursuing.
3. Send another apology letter: Pursuing.
4. Leave her alone: This is okay also. She's received apology letters and cards, the next move should be hers. I only suggested #1 as a way to come out of the dark. If that doesn't work out...you might have an idea where you stand and it may help you in efforts to move forward.
I have to agree. Either wait or call her and get an answer one way or the other.
No pursuing.
Thanks to both of you. I'm so scared to call but I may do it. I have to get my nerve up first. I hate rejection and I'm so scared she'll ignore the call & refuse to call me back. But I am ready for some closure - one way or the other. Pray for me!
K
Anyone? Please see the above three posts and place your vote! Help! I need more votes. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to "mess things up." Thanks so much! K
Hi K,
Sorry I haven't been around much for the last week.
I'd say if you aren't able to do action number 4 anymore.. if you're just itching to have a verdict or not sit in limbo anymore than I think action item number 1 is the route to go. You have already sent a card... you've told her that you're sorry...
It's going to take a lot of guts!! I wish you courage by the bucket full!
W2G
I have read your posts before but I don't think I have posted to you. I would go with #1, call her. At some point, you just have to "know" your situation. Either she will respond, or she won't. If you send a card, a letter, etc., you don't know what her response is. If you call her and she says "leave me alone", you will know that you/she are "done".And you can move forward. If you get an encouraging response, you will know the ball is now in her court and you can go from there.
You have already tried 2, 3, and 4. Did they work? Michelle says "Do what works". If they didn't elicit a response, then go with #1. Is there somewhere else you can call from so she doesn't see your number? I know that sounds manipulative, but then you could stand a better chance of getting her to answer. Then again, if you call from your own phone and she doesn't answer, and you leave a message and she doesn't call back, you would also know she is not interested.......
Just my opinion
K - I haven't been on much as I'm really sick at the moment but caught up just now. I agree with #1 - call her. Yes, it will be tough and take a lot of guts. As Just_me said - it's only if you need to be "out of limbo."
Otherwise.. the alternative would be "assume" that she's not interested and go with #4, and move on.
Thanks to you all. It's unanimous that I either need to continue with #4 or call her (#1). I can probably wait a little longer. I would like to know what in the heck she's thinking. I wish so badly that I could talk to someone who knows her and knows what's going on. But there's no one.
Bobbi Jo - Thanks for dropping in. It's good to have a new perspective. Thanks for bringing up the "does it work" thing. The thing is, nothing is working. Calling her hasn't worked, not calling her hasn't worked, sending a card hasn't worked, apologizing hasn't worked, staying away hasn't worked, etc. But, it has been awhile so maybe if I called, it might be "something different."
Does anyone have anymore ideas on "something different?"
Nik - Sorry you've been sick. Thanks for checking in.
You all have been such a great support group. I feel so much stronger than I did 2 months ago. I feel really good and life is good.
Good luck to everyone! I believe in miracles and I'm with Bobbi Jo (With God, all things are possible.)!!!
K
Just checking in, thinking of you....
Have you decided? Will you call her?
I have had to work on patience. I have this impulse-control thing!
I probably would have called already b/c when I want to know, I want to know "rightnow". Good for you for being patient. I am trying to do the same.....
Thanks for dropping in BJ! Yes, I am terribly impatient. I am just learning patience so I'm wondering if I should just keep on being patient and "wait" for her to call me. I'm still torn. I really appreciate all the advice but I don't want to blow it again.
Anyone have any thoughts on all this? What do I do that's "something different"? Do I call now or wait another week, another month?
Thanks! K
The only other thing K would be a chance run in.. and I'm not sure how you could do that without looking stalkerish... besides, you'd have to be a really great actor to pull off it being a "chance" meeting and not heavily thought out!
Hugs,
W2G
Good idea W2G if there was any hope. Don't know how I would pull that one off. We don't live in the same community so there's no chance of "running into each other" at the grocery, movie, restaurant, etc.
Any other ideas?
Anyone else?
Thanks so much. K
I can't decide if I should call her or not. Does anyone think it will be the wrong thing to do? Does it look like I'm pursuing? I've done so well (not calling) that I'm afraid of screwing up. Help!
If you have done so well not calling then calling would be "doing something different". I vote call.
Go ahead and call. It's been enough time to test the waters.
Get the info you need to make a decision one way or the other.
Thanks ladies. I decided to call this morning. It rang several times and then went to voice mail. I left a message that said "Hey, it's me. I didn't want anything, just wanted to check on you, see how you were doing. You can call me back if you want. Take care."
It's been 2 hours and she hasn't called back. I would think if she wanted nothing to do with me that she'd send a text saying "leave me alone or do not call anymore." So - she's either busy, hasn't gotten the message yet or trying to decide whether or not to call me back and what to say if she calls.
It's funny. I'm getting to the point where I really don't care much anymore. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Thanks to all! K
Thanks ladies. I decided to call this morning. It rang several times and then went to voice mail. I left a message that said "Hey, it's me. I didn't want anything, just wanted to check on you, see how you were doing. You can call me back if you want. Take care."
It's been 2 hours and she hasn't called back. I would think if she wanted nothing to do with me that she'd send a text saying "leave me alone or do not call anymore." So - she's either busy, hasn't gotten the message yet or trying to decide whether or not to call me back and what to say if she calls.
It's funny. I'm getting to the point where I really don't care much anymore. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Thanks to all! K
Sorry about the double post - my computer is slow & crazy.
Well, I guess it's safe to say that she's not going to return the call. It's been 12 hours. I suppose that's why I was hesitant to call her. I was so afraid that this would be the outcome - no interest. As long as I didn't hear from her or pursue her, there was hope.
I guess I can assume now that she's definitely not interested although it would be helpful if she did send back a text that said "leave me alone" or "it's over - stop trying." That would definitely close the door for me.
I am afraid as time goes by that I will get less and less interested. I'm already pretty detached. I was not at all surprised that she didn't respond and I'm not really sad. It will be such a shame if she calls in a year and I'm happily involved with someone else or "over her."
Anyone have any words of wisdom? Thanks for listening. K
((((K))))
I'm sorry she didn't respond.. I think you should "drop the rope".. tell yourself that you are done and that you're not going to hold out hope for her any longer.. My hope for you will be that once you've made this decision that magically she will reappear in your life.. It may be wishful thinking or dreaming.. but it is what I hope will happen for you!
Hugs,
W2G
Thanks W2G. Thanks for the hugs. It hurts to let go completely. As long as I had hope, I was fine. But, I suppose you're right.
Thanks for everyone's support and advice.
(((((((hugs))))))) You will be fine. Take care of yourself!
Thanks Michelle. I'm OK. I cried last night after reading W2G's post but I'm OK today. Still thinking about "her", of course. I probably always will.
Does anyone think there's any chance of her returning?
Thanks.
I'm sorry K.. I didn't mean to make you cry.. but unless she is on vacation or something.. she should have called you back if she wanted to touch base with you.
I truly wish there was something more inspiring I can say.
You will be fine.. and you will always have feelings for her... deep feelings like you've had do not just vanish.. that's the part I never understand about the WAs.
Hugs,
W2G
Don't worry W2G. You didn't "make" me cry. You just made me realize that obviously she was not interested and was not going to call. It hurts so much. I feel like crying as I type this.
She is not on vacation. I called her cell phone anyway. She did not want to talk to me which hurts so much. I don't understand why we can't even talk on the phone and be "friends."
Thanks for your words. I do appreciate them even if they make me cry.
I have recently realized how badly I screwed up. I deserve this treatment from her. She tried so hard to tell me that she felt smothered and even though I heard her and tried, I was unsuccessful in changing.
We "broke up" and got back together about 2 dozen times. Ridiculous. I always promised change and it just didn't happen. I realize now what a stupid fool I was. I had the most precious thing in the world and lost it. Yes, she had her faults, too and this might not have happened with a different person, but I knew what I had to do and didn't do it.
I really feel down because I am suddenly feeling "responsible" for my predicament. I have forgiven her and now I'm trying to forgive myself. It's not easy.
Oh well. As you all say, I'll be fine. I've been hurt before but this is the first time in my life I've felt this passionate about someone and been "dumped" and I HATE IT!!!!
I have recently realized how badly I screwed up.
It's great to realize your part in it, but she had a part in it too. Acknowledge your faults, but don't blame yourself or beat yourself up. Sometimes the hardest and MOST important part is forgiving yourself.
I deserve this treatment from her.
No, you don't. You are a human being with faults. But you did not single-handedly ruin your relationship nor do you deserve to be treated with less than common courtesy.
Forgive yourself.
Thanks Michelle. You're right. Even though I certainly could have handled things differently (and intend to if there is a next time with anyone), she was very unwilling to "work" on the relationship from the beginning. Every time there was a problem, she "broke up" with me.
I realize now how wrong that was. She was never committed and that is so important and so opposite of me. I would have stuck by her through just about anything. She was always ready to throw in the towel - possibly because of her religious issues and possibly because maybe she didn't love me like I loved her. She told me she didn't at the end. I guess I need to believe what she said. It's just so unfair. I know life (and love) ain't fair.
I am trying to forgive myself. It's very hard to do.
I'm doing fine. I go for several hours now without even thinking of her. It used to be several minutes about a year ago. It's just a roller coaster, especially with my perimenopause-induced mood swings. I have really good days (and hours) and then I have not-so-good days (and hours).
Thanks again. Maybe I'll meet someone new soon. I think that's the only way I'm going to give her up completely.
Take advantage of your "spring fever"--get outside, do some fun things. And the added benefit is you may meet someone who will love you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I think you are right, once you meet someone new, you will not be as focused on thinking about her.
Thanks BJ! I appreciate the kind words. I'm feeling pretty good today.
Journaling: This spring/summer weather is driving me crazy. I'm wanting so badly to spend the summer with someone (ex would be nice). I'm OK alone in my house or at work but when it's time to take trips, enjoy being outdoors, I miss ex so much. We got together for the first time in the spring, spent a lot of time outdoors when we were together and it just makes my situation more painful. I love summer and it's such a great time to be in love. Do I sound like a teenager? I think, in many ways, I've never grown up.
Just reporting in. Thanks again to all of you who helped me through the past 3 months. I actually feel "normal" again. Of course, I do still think of "her" periodically throughout every day but no tears or depression or anything like that.
I've been extremely busy finalizing my spring classwork (graduate degree) and landscaping my backyard. I actually did most of the work myself and I'm rather proud. It was my first attempt at digging holes (since I was a kid).
I haven't found anyone to date yet but will certainly be on the lookout. I do have a few new friends from school and that is nice. All my old friends are here too. Life is good.
Hope you're all doing well.
I am glad you are doing well. It sounds like you have some really fun projects going on.
((((hugs)))))
Thanks for dropping by Michelle. Hope you're doing well. Thanks for the hugs. Hugs to you too.
I've been a little lonely today (Mother's Day). I'm not a mother, my mother's deceased and GF and I were "together" last year the weekend of Mother's Day. Just brings back some great memories of what I had and lost. But I've been working all day (after church). Lots of schoolwork. I'm almost done! K
((((K))))
Good to hear from you! Glad you found a way to distract yourself today.
Glad you're checking in K! Nice to hear from you!
Hugs,
W2G
Thanks Nik & W2G. It's nice that you're "checking on me."
No news. Very busy with school. I'm a teacher though and out for the summer after next week which I know will bring loneliness and memories of our 2 great summers together.
Haven't heard from her at all. I tried to call her the 3rd Saturday in April (left a voice mail) and she did not respond. So, I'm assuming she's either NEVER coming back or definitely not ready now.
I'm OK. Thank goodness I've been busy with grad school, teaching school, activities with friends, and working on my backyard.
Should I "test the waters" further with a card or a call and if so, when? OR am I done testing?
Thanks again.
I'd say leave her alone.. the message she's sent is pretty darn clear.
Thanks Nik. I knew ya'll would say that - I just thought I'd double check.
I hope if I completely "leave her alone" that maybe she will get "curious" and finally call me. In the meantime, I'm trying not to think about her. Trying to stay busy. Will go out with someone else if I have the opportunity.
I'm still sad, frustrated, hurt but SO much better than 2 or 3 months ago and MUCH, MUCH better than 1 year ago.
All normal feelings. We all go through it. You sound good though.
Smile!
Thanks for dropping in Michelle. I am doing great. I do still wonder though, what if....
I believe it was you who advised me a month or so ago to go ahead and "test the water" although you said she would not have come to terms with the religion thing yet. How long would you estimate dealing with the religion thing will take?
I'm "moving on" but I will probably keep the door open for "her" until I meet someone wonderful. Just wondered what you thought. By the way, how'd you get so smart at such a young age?
Thanks a bunch! Hope you're doing well, also.
K
I think for now, just wait for her to contact you. Maybe in a couple months, if you want to test the waters, you could give her a quick call and leave a casual VM. If you have an excuse, even better.
It's okay to hold out hope. A lot of the people on here keep hope alive until their WAS is engaged or M to someone new.
I guess my parents did something right lol!
I am hanging in there. My H is having major confusion, we were "dating" for a while, now he's "back" with OW (except won't admit it to me) lol. Ugh. I kinda want to throw $h!t at him right now lol. Oh well, I'll live. And so will he, for the moment. Mwahahahaha.
I know...Michelle you're like a 50 year old in a 25 year old body. (that's a GOOD thing
)
K - moving on but keeping the door open sounds like a smart plan.
Thanks ladies. That's funny Nik - Michelle is a 50 year old in a 25 year old body. That IS a good thing. I wish I had the wisdom both of you have.
Yes, I am definitely moving on. I feel great, getting a lot of things accomplished and making some actual changes. I read something this past week that really hit me hard. It was "You don't really grow until you change." I always thought I was learning and growing just from reading but now I realize that I actually have to make some physical/emotional/mental changes.
I will not contact her at all. I will wait patiently to see if she ever contacts me. BUT, what would be your estimate of how long a person would need to come to terms with something like this (accepting their sexuality, making peace with God, etc.)?
We've been apart more than a year except for a few dates in May 2007 and several dates in October 2007. So, she's had NO CONTACT at all with me since the middle of December. It's already been 7 months since we've seen each other (November). Do you think she might come around anytime now, after another month, another 6 months, another year, what?
Thanks!!!!
Something like this is so individual there is no way to predict when or what the outcome will be.
As long as you leave the door open, possibilities abound. But, as you have already realized, waiting forever isn't an option either. So, keep moving on. And if in 1 year or 2 or 3 she contacts you, then you can decide what you want to do about it.
I am glad to hear you are doing well!!!
Well, I guess ignorance is bliss. I drove over to her house today and she's moved out. Last time I drove by it appeared she was still there and there was no sign (For Sale By Owner) since Feb. So - I'm falling apart again. I've been so good but I've kept up hope that she would eventually call me. And it's also comforting to know she was only 30 miles away.
I called a mutual friend who hasn't answered or returned my call the past 2 times I've called her. So I assumed she was mad or taking sides with GF or whatever. But she said she had just been "busy". I appreciated her information which wasn't much. That GF had sold the house and quit her job. So obviously, she's moving far away.
I probably shouldn't have but I called her cell phone and left a message "call me, could we please say goodbye in person." Then after I got home (and hadn't heard from her yet), I sent her a lengthier text message.
I am so hurt that she has sold that beautiful little house where we had so many wonderful memories. I can't believe it. I'm in shock. I have cried and cried. I feel like now, there's no hope at all. I have been "good" and left her alone for no reason.
I don't know what's going on with her but I have never had anyone treat me like this. Why can't she pick up the phone and tell me where she's going and why? It's that simple. If she has someone else, that would be so easy. I could move on so easy. The only other expanation is she's just running away from this area because she's running away from her "previous, gay" life. I think she's lost her mind.
Please help.
OK - This gets even better. I get on the internet and google her and find out she and a "friend" who she was attracted to last year bought a house together in March in a city 5 hours away. So I've been moping around here waiting for NOTHING!!
I called her ex (before me) and she confirmed that it was her but said out of respect for GF she could say nothing else. I said I'm glad you respect her because I don't. Well, I started typing her another text and she calls. She said "leave me alone, stop calling my friends, get help, you are deranged." That's it. I went ahead and sent the text. It said, I must look like a fool. All you had to do was tell me the truth and I would have been happy for you because I am a nice & sane person.
I think she's lost her mind. Please give me some feedback.
((((K))))
I'm sorry - I know this hurts.
I don't want to add to the hurt... but I'm also not sure how to say this delicately. I'll do my best OK?
Well, I started typing her another text and she calls. She said "leave me alone, stop calling my friends, get help, you are deranged."
From her perspective, you probably do look a bit deranged. Did you ever have someone you broke up with who JUST DIDN'T GET IT??
It's not so different from a lot of the M'd couples on here - many times the WAS is still confused but certainly there are cases where they are flat out DONE by the time they drop the bomb. My SIL was that way. I think this last time, your GF was that way. The times before she was still confused, but this time she was truly done in her mind/heart.
I must look like a fool. All you had to do was tell me the truth and I would have been happy for you because I am a nice & sane person.
A couple of things here... she DID tell you the truth. That she didn't want to be with you anymore. Right? I don't recall her stringing you along or lying to you, simply not talking to you? (I could be remembering incorrectly though).
I know it's not exactly the same thing, but in my mind it's almost like you two have D'd and you still feel you have a right to know what's going on in her life.
I think she's lost her mind.
Not wanting to be in an R with you anymore doesn't equal losing her mind. It means she doesn't want to be in an R with you anymore.. that's it.
(((K)))
I'm sorry, I know that none of that is easy to think about.
I've thought all along that you needed to detach. Moreso now, obviously - it is most definitely time to move on.
Thanks Nik. I appreciate the advice. I guess I was looking at things differently. The crazy thing about the lesbian community is that you usually part friends. At least, that's been my experience. After all we've shared, I just thought it would have been "nice" for her to call and explain - "I'm moving to Timbuktu with New GF. Just wanted you to hear it from me before anyone else." At least, that's what kind of relationship she and her ex had/have. Her ex actually called several times crying, etc. while I was there and GF NEVER told her to "leave me alone." Why is it different this time?
I know...move on, detach, get a life, give her up. I have no choice. Thanks for the hugs. I need them.
You're welcome K.
It sounds like your R with her was pretty volatile. Maybe she thought the only way to make a clean break was to end it COMPLETELY. ??
Or maybe she was afraid she couldn't be "just friends" with you for long?
Who knows... we could speculate all day long. But those are my first thoughts on why it's probably different.
I am devastated. I was doing so well. I would have just prolonged this grief, but if I hadn't driven by there I would still be happy and hopeful. Now, I can't think of one reason to be hopeful. I called my shrink and made an appointment for this afternoon. I talked to about 6 different friends yesterday, all with varying advice.
I know I'm looking for one ray of sunshine in this pile of shi#. But it is possible that she and the "friend" are "just friends" and "friend" co-signed the mortgage for her. I can't imagine moving to a new city and buying a house though unless it's with a lover. If it were me, I would have just gotten an apartment if I was just "getting away" for awhile. And why didn't they just move into "friend's" old house? Why a "new" one? She had a nice house already I think.
I just can't believe this is happening. I only slept 5 hours last night. I kept waking up and asking myself if it was a dream or real. Through the end of December, GF was still talking about, "It's not right, God doesn't want it, I'll never be with another woman, etc." Then, Feb. 1 the house is up for sale and March 25, the "new" house was purchased. I'm a little shocked at the timing. Doesn't that sound extremely quick - to "fall in love" with an old friend (they were friends from way back) and spend enough time together in one or 2 months (and 5 hours apart) to make the decision to buy a house together and live together? It sounds crazy.
This would all be so much easier to deal with if I knew the facts. I can't find anyone who knows the facts and will tell me. She frieked out yesterday when I called her "ex" so I don't think calling her mother will be appropriate. She'd probably have me arrested (if you can do that).
I know - it's time to give her up. BUT if she is still "friends" and "friend" just co-signed to help her escape her life in this state and she is still confused about me, religion, what to do, etc., What would I do to keep the doors open for any possibility of reconciliation? Is there anything besides leave her alone?
Thanks. Any advice is appreciated and very helpful.
What would I do to keep the doors open for any possibility of reconciliation?
Respond to any contact she makes in a friendly manner, make it okay for her to contact you if she does.
At this point, there's nothing else.
(((k)))
Thanks Michelle. I guess you're right.
What is your take on the situation though? Do you think it's definitely romantic or is there a chance it's platonic?
(((K)))
I think Michelle's advice is right on. That's all you can do. Anything more will just make you look more "deranged" in her eyes at this point.
I'm glad you have an appt. with the shrink later.
I am devastated. I was doing so well.
I think you've done well at GAL, limiting contact, etc. all this time but one thing you never really did was detach. You (and all of us) need to get to a point of "I KNOW I will be OK and make a great life for myself, with our without [spouse/gf/whoever]." It is not easy, at all. I find this site really helpful:
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm. I may have posted it to you before, but it can be helpful to revisit.
Different parts of this have "spoken" to me in the past and at various times in my sitch. I started to quote a few things I thought were relevant to you and realized I was copying/pasting about half the page so I don't want to risk copyright issues - but hope the info there helps.
I know I'm looking for one ray of sunshine in this pile of shi#. But it is possible that she and the "friend" are "just friends" and "friend" co-signed the mortgage for her.
As much as you say you're not, I think you're still in denial that she's done with the R. Yes, it's possible - who knows. It doesn't much matter as it's not really relevant to YOU though.
And why didn't they just move into "friend's" old house? Why a "new" one? She had a nice house already I think.
Who knows. Maybe just convenience, maybe financial reasons, maybe wanting to erase the past and start a new life together... could be anything. Also not relevant to you, though.
I just can't believe this is happening. I only slept 5 hours last night. I kept waking up and asking myself if it was a dream or real.
We all go through this, I know.
I feel like if you were married it would still feel surreal but it would be harder to stay in denial about it. At this point I think you'd probably be D'd from her, based on her actions and reaction to your calls. But since you don't have it there on paper, it's harder to accept it.
I wonder if you'd benefit from posting in "Surviving the Big D"? You'd definitely be among people struggling with the same types of things right now.
This would all be so much easier to deal with if I knew the facts. I can't find anyone who knows the facts and will tell me. She frieked out yesterday when I called her "ex" so I don't think calling her mother will be appropriate. She'd probably have me arrested (if you can do that).
Uh no.. definitely do not call her mother! And I'd stop calling anyone about it, actually. It's making you look pretty needy and desparate.
I know it's hard to believe but I don't think knowing the facts would help you a whole lot. You can see how much pain people put themselves through by snooping and obsessing and having to "know" every little detail. The only fact that's relevant to you at this point is that she wants out of the R, and is not interested in working things out.
That said... who knows, you may meet again in the future and decide to build a new R together. But the old one is definitely over. I think the sooner you grieve that and let go, the sooner you'll get healthier and happier. If you run into her 2 or 3 or 10 years from now and decide to build a new R - then great! But don't hang on and keep your life on hold "just in case" that happens.
BUT if she is still "friends" and "friend" just co-signed to help her escape her life in this state and she is still confused about me, religion, what to do, etc.,
OK so I will quote a FEW things from the detachment page:
"Detachment is:
* The ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.
* The ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be."
If you are unable to detach from people, places, or things, then you:
* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places, or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
Detachment is a control issue because:
* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved. [I don't think you feel intimidated/coerced but I think the latter part applies]
* By being "selfless'' and "centered'' on other people, you are really a controller trying to "fix'' them to meet the image of your "ideal'' for them.
What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
* They have so many problems, they need you.
* If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
* When you see people in trouble, confused, and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
At the bottom there's a series of steps to help you with this. I think they're really useful. There's a little bit of a religious slant that I don't particularly care for, but it's easy to just ignore that part and get the value from the rest of it.
What would I do to keep the doors open for any possibility of reconciliation? Is there anything besides leave her alone?
I think Michelle answered this question very well. Anything more that you do is just not going to be well received, I don't think. It will probably stick in head as "geez my crazy ex STILL doesn't get it!" Don't keep reinforcing that belief with contact, calling friends/family, etc.
2 things.
1) Anything is possible. There's no way to know.
2) Does it matter? In either case, she's not open to a R of ANY kind with you - just friends or not - right now. So, your only option, for your own health, is to keep detaching, work on making yourself happy, and act as if she is never coming back.
Smile often, laugh lots, and enjoy the life you have. You will always have the memories of the past, keep them good, but don't let them hold you back in your individual potential for the future.
I know I'm not Michelle but responding to your question with a quote from my last post...
"The only fact that's relevant to you at this point is that she wants out of the R, and is not interested in working things out."
Romantic, platonic, who knows.. it doesn't matter at this point in time.
((((K))))
(sorry.. I know how much this hurts)
Ooops - Michelle and I cross-posted. (although I think we said almost exactly the same thing, so I hope it's helpful to you K)
OK one more quick post then I'll shush so you can catch up..
I would have just prolonged this grief, but if I hadn't driven by there I would still be happy and hopeful.
I think this is a key statement - you're tying "happy" with "hopeful about this R." Be happy, be hopeful about your future. That will come with healthy detachment.
I talked to about 6 different friends yesterday, all with varying advice.
I forgot to add - great job reaching out for support. I'm glad to see it as it's so important.
Thank you both. All great advice. All difficult to do. I'm not sure why I'm reluctant to "let her go." I will read the coping stuff tonight. I'm off to the shrink and a class at the university.
Thanks again. It is so helpful and supportive to have you all. I don't even know you and you are lifesavers (angels).
(((k))) Have a good time talking to the C and have fun in class!
It is very difficult to do. It takes time and effort. Self-introspection is actually pretty exhausting sometimes. But you can do it! And you WILL be fine.