my wife found out yesterday that her father's cancer has come back. it does not look good. he was in surgery yesterday to remove the malignant tumor. doctor said he will need radiation treatment. if that does not stop spread, he only has a few months to live. wife has been very quiet, i know she is pain. the additonal pain from our situation and the new development is really putting pressure on her. please pray for her father, Jim, and my wife. she is keeping it all inside. The Lord works in mysterious ways. i just need to keep my eyes focused on him through this whole situation.
Hi Craig my brother in Christ-
I can relate to the terrible cancer variable being thrown into the nasty mix of stuff that is having to be dealt with. You never want to hear of that and its wide reaching suffering. But as you and I both know there is one sure thing to do and that is pray. And I will.
you got it. Enjoy the Lord's day as I am sure he will help you to.
well, mother in law called to tell us that the information on wifes father might be incorrect!!! it might not be cancer afterall. i don't quite understand how two doctors can have such different diagnosis. but that is good news. i told wife this info. she said, you mean i cried all day for nothing.had an awesome worship and sermon at church yesterday. the Lord is amazing.keep asking the Lord for a positive sign, will keep praying. w has made no effort to save money to move out or to try to work on house to get ready to sell. very strange. i have told her i have reduced my 401 contribution to help save money so she could move . she said nothing.
Found your new thread ...
My W said something to me a few months ago, one of our R talks, where we were reflecting back on the "junk" that got in our way. I thought about it after reading your posting about your FIL. She pointed out during our wedding vows we promise "in sickness and in health" - but noted that is not limited to our sickness or health. My mom and dad both has major surgeries a few years back and it was a trying time for our M.
You're a good husband craig. Keep supporting her and don't be a victim of the circumstances.
phil, it has been almost five months since my wife said she wanted a divorce. just filed papers 10 days ago. has talked about moving out. but has no money to do so. she has not really tried to save any money , nor has she made an effort to get our house ready to sell. i guess those are all positives. her original stance on wanting to get divorce has not changed. she still says the same thing. our day to day existence is friendly. she still seems emotionally detached from me.
craig
It is nice that you get to see W fairly often (given that us guys are visual animals).
It is a rarity that I get to see my W. It did happen on Sat, but for all of 15 mins tops.
Be a defender of the Faith.
God does soften their hearts, craig. I heard all the same things 15 months ago. It took my W 2 months after moving out to finally see an attorney, another 2 months to give me the separation papers, and 5 months later - in mid July, she sent an email after several very intimate talks telling me (not asking) "DONT SIGN THE PAPERS. Please dont sign them." That was six months ago. We talk almost every day, she is 2300 miles away on the opposite coast, but not a mention of the papers since.
Don't push it along. Be prepared. But know - it doesn't really matter. Living together, living apart, separated, divorced. God ordained your marriage. He doesn't want to harm you, but wants to prosper you. God hates divorce. So they are truly only circumstances that get in the way. What is written is written. Pray, listen, obey. We have a pretty easy job.
Oh that is elegant and divine input IWanna. Thx for re-enlightening me. I needed to see your post to end my day and God saw to that.
Glorify him always.
have not posted in awhile, actually since i received the summons from my wife. pma has been exceptional but for a few days here and there. w has not talked about doing the remaining paper work involving the divorce, settlement agreement. family went to dinner last night , had a very pleasant evening. she even sat on couch next to me . no contact, but was nice to have her there. no r talk, at all. at times i want to bring something up. but i just bite my lip and think about something else. the Lord has been teaching me patience. has not been easy. take 1 day at a time. keep my expectations for her at very low. will wait to file response until last moment.
journaling,
my wife just found out her father had a massive heart attack and was on life support. she is on her way up to salem oregon to say goodbye before they take him off life support. my heart is broken for my wife, she is having a tough enough time dealing with our situation, now she has to deal with her father dying. i pray the Lord can bring something positive out of all this.please pray for her safety on her trip . thanks to all.
I'll add her and family to the prayer list.
Be well Craig
Craig,
My condolences to you and to your W. She will need your support to get her through this.
My prayers out to your W and family craig.
Craig:
Sad about your FIL. I'll do some praying for your family today.
no r talk, at all. at times i want to bring something up. but i just bite my lip and think about something else.
That's the way to do it brother. Just pass on those opportunities to fall. Keep walking in courage, strength and faith. God will heal you no matter what happens in your M. He is your salvation, your rock, your deliverer. In HIM you will find all that you need to survive.
the Lord has been teaching me patience. has not been easy.
Yes when we pray for patience, He blesses us with situations that require us to develop patience. Like pushing the rock uphill develops a strong body.
she still seems emotionally detached from me.
It's going to be that way for a long time, possibly forever. She's not a little girl anymore, she's a woman; secure and independent. Women don't attach themselves to men, only young girls (adolescents) do that.
Keep up the good work Craig. Keep working on YOU! Keep loving your W 1C:13, and keep on praying.
God Bless,
COG
as noted about my wifes father passing away sunday. she is in salem attending to her fathers affairs as much as she can. i feel pretty worthless not being there with her to help share the burden. i do not want to push her, but i told her i can bring our daughter with me and spend a few days helping any way i can. there will be no service. so wife is viewing her dads body today. i wish i could be there to comfort her. my heart is broken for my wife, the added stress of her father dying is not going to be easy. i know the Lord can use all this for his glory. i know something positive can come out of this.
Craig,
Just a thought.....instead of asking, why don't you just surprise her?
Craig,
It sounds like you are doing a good job being there for her. Keep being strong and positive. Let her know you'll do anything she needs.
Good work
john, i still need to db in some form. i dont want to push her too hard. i have let her know i will be there anytime she calls me. she knows i will do what ever it takes. she is calling me back later to let me know. it is going to be a tough day for her. i do not want to make it any tougher. thanks for input.
john, i still need to db in some form. i dont want to push her too hard. i have let her know i will be there anytime she calls me. she knows i will do what ever it takes. she is calling me back later to let me know. it is going to be a tough day for her. i do not want to make it any tougher. thanks for input.
Craig,
I hear what you are saying.....I just wonder if dbing should not be put on the backburner under these circumstances. It was just a suggestion on my part.
john, i understand what you are saying. it is tough. i have not been dbing too much after we got the phone call. i did as much for her as i could, and she would allow. it is really tough, because i want to just hold her. i comforted her as best i could. along with daughter. unfortunately i have lots of experience in dealing with this sort of thing. lost both of my parents in 1973, four months apart. very hard situation. so i know how much my wife is hurting. she knows i be there at the drop of a hat. tough situation all the way around. i appreciate your input. only the Lord can deal with this effectively. he can use me, i just need to be available.
As long as she knows that you are there for her it will be a comfort to her. I am sure this is causing her to think about the current situation.
woog, i pray for that everyday. she knows i would be there at anytime if she called. we talked for awhile on phone last night. she is sick, but she sounded like she was dealing with her dads death pretty well. she saw her dad at the mortuary , and she said she did pretty good. i let her know that i would drive up to help if she needed me. she said i could come up, but i would probably just stand around and not be much help. i said in that case i would just stay home with the kids. daughter really did not want to go anyway. plus, i dont want to get involved in the splitting up of her dads things with her brother and mother there. i have too many bad experiences with that already. i will let them deal with that. woog, thanks for sharing. God bless you. keep fighting for your marriage.
i was talking to my 14yr old daughter last night and she told me that she just wishes that this whole thing with mom and me would be over, she is tired of seeing both fo us sad. wow, somehow i need to explain to her that i am doing what i am as far as dbing to make sure mom and dad dont get divorced. i asked her if she wanted us to get divorced, she said no. obviously she does not like living in limbo. must do a better job of keeping her busy and be more joyful around her.
craig, great work with D14. it would have been easy for you to place the blame on your W....i know a weaker person would have done that.
For some reason i just thought of some James Taylor lyrics....it applies to all of us, especially on V day.....let's make sure we show some love to all the people who are dear to us.
Shower the people you love with love
Show them the way that you feel
Things are gonna be much better if you only will.
journaling, i am realizing what a toll this whole thing is taking on my youngest children. my 17yr son won't talk about it and seems to not care if his mother moves out or not. myr 14yr old daughter wants this to end because she is tired of seeing her mother and myself so sad. i know neither of the kids wants us to actually get a divorce, but they obviously don't like living in limbo either. would appreciate if any veteran db'ers can give me some insight. i pray about it every night, but it pains me to see them struggling with this situation. thanks
Hello Craig..
Can I have your help?
We have children around the same age. Your post about letting your daughter know you're trying to save the message is something I've been struggling with. Our 13 year old daughter is so sad and asks me why my husband and I can't stay together. He's so set on leaving. Yet I'm afraid if I say I'm working on trying to keep the marriage that the message would be confusing. Is it silly to worry about that?
Dad wants a divorce, Mom doesn't.
The most I tell them that you can't keep someone who doesn't want to be there. Is this me avoiding conflict and unwittingly acquiescing to his goals?
Would you mind sharing some suggestions? I hope asking this in the middle of your topic is okay.
gypsy, that is more than ok. i have been at this for almost 5 months. my wife is still in the house . she filed first set of paperwork 3 weeks ago. i am waiting to file mine next week. she says she wants to move out, but has made no effort to save money. i told her at first i would help as much as i could. she has not talked about it for weeks. as far as my daughter, this is a tough one. personally, i do not think there is anything wrong with being truthful about why you are fighting to save your marriage. the kids , especially teenagers understand what is going on.
i think they need to know that you dont want a divorce, and am doing whatever you can to not have that happen. it is a tough one though. i don't want to see my children suffer. but i also know how much they will suffer if we actually get a divorce.
which will be alot more than they are know.
i have two older children, 30&25 whose mother basically checked out on us for three years. i was left picking up the pieces, and raising them by myself. they have plenty of scars from that.
i would pray about it , i have been. asking the Lord for guidance. really keep an eye on your 13yr old. this is a tough time even without the added pressure of your situation.
as far as avoiding conflict, that is part of dbing. you are right, you can not keep him from leaving. you are not giving into his goals, since he has his own free will. keep the kids busy and also yourself. do 180's. it is amaxing how actions can make them look at you different. it sure has in my case. we are no closer to reconciling, at least not yet. but i know she notices the changes in me. spiritually speaking, because she has started to do the same thing. keep dbing at dont panic. patience.
craig - good points to gypsy.
The 180's do cause our WAS to question themselves, all the opinions they've formed over the years about who we are and how we react. But keep in mind they have to be real and sincere.
I wish I could suggest something for the kids ... but all I can come up with is that you have to live your life based on the way God wants us to live - and He gave us Christ as an example. To that end - love your W or H and kids with all your heart. Help them understand that the best way to work out conflicts is to talk it out - but sometimes, people need to solve things separately, on their own, before they can solve things together. And it's ok. There may come a point where mom and dad have to spend some time apart. But you will continue to do everything in your power and pray to God to keep the family together.
Craig and I Wanna..
Thank you so much for your thoughts and words. It's strange how reading passages over and over again allows more of a perspective to seep in.
In some ways I feel like I'm playing a role, applying the basic principles which make an awful lot of common sense. My relationship with my kids changed with my 'wake up call' with H's revelation. All of sudden the need to justify that my way was the right way, a sense of defensiveness all melted away.
I have to work on not talking about my feelings or beliefs to H at this point since that's something he's uncomfortable with. In some ways over the years, it was easier to deny them and behave in increasingly destructive passive/aggressive behavior.
Ack.. I babble. It's not all about me. Loving my H and kids with all my heart is excellent advice. Love him enough to let him go as my babysteps of improving my life allows change on all our parts.
Thank you
well , i have been READING lots of posting on everybody's situation, it looks like we need a few more miracles this week. i know i am ready for one. lots of people have been dealing with their situations for 3-5 months and we all need some inspiration. from my point of view , my last weekend was tough. mostly because of my vivid imagination.galing usually takes care of alot of that. but it is just human nature to let your mind wander. usually on the negative.
just being on my knees before God is enough to help clear the fog out of my brain. this is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. but as soon as i think about my wife and children, i step back and remember what is at stake. my personal struggle seems pretty small in comparison to the end result of divorce. everyone take a big breath and slowly exhale. dont give up. remember what is at stake. we can all do it.
Craig,
Thank you for posting on my thread a few days ago. I appreciate your words of encouragement.
You've been dealing with a lot the last couple of weeks. It's good to see you haven't given up and remain positive. I've only been dealing with this for a month, have had some backslides and sometimes feel like giving up. But you're right. We all must remain positive, have faith and recognize that we can get through this and become better people. We can do it!
Craig,
well , i have been READING lots of posting on everybody's situation, it looks like we need a few more miracles this week. i know i am ready for one. lots of people have been dealing with their situations for 3-5 months and we all need some inspiration.
My W and I were separated for almost 4 years. That was after living in the same house separately for about a year and a half. Well I'm here to say that things changed in my sitch, miracles happened. Probably the greatest miracle was in how I changed. As much as I thought my W was the one needing to be fixed, it wasn't until I accepted the truth about myself that our sitch began to change.
Hang in there brothers and sisters. Know that this is a battle between good and evil, more so than between two human beings. Take hard looks at yourself, your life, your actions, and words. Listen to your S, they know you better than anyone else. Listen and pray about what changes YOU need to make to become a better person. Learn to love your S unconditionally, as they are, for whom they are, and how they feel. Strive to understand and love them, not to change them. Seek and honest and unconditional friendship first, and build from there.
It's a lot of hard work, but worth the effort. The focus needs to be on YOU changing, not your S.
With God, anything is possible.
Courage, Strength and Faith,
COG
COG,
I accept and believe what you say about the focus being on US changing. It is not easy to do when you are down and living under the same roof. The constant reminder is difficult. No excuses though.....maybe our WAS need to change a little also.
cog, interesting, i was just thinking about you, and low and behold you post on my situation. good to hear from you. i must tell you, how right you were when you wrote to me a few months ago. my life has changed alot. my life!!!. not my wifes. but because i have been changing she has noticed, without me saying a word. she is mirroting my spiritual changes and searching herself. she has cleaned up her language, she is getting on the kids about theirs. she is listening to tapes on prayer. she is going to church every sunday. i am loving her unconditionally, i sometimes fail. but i get back on track quickly. you are right about the unseen powers of darkness, they do not want this marriage to work. but The Lord does. as far as the divorce is concerned, she filed almost 4 weeks ago. i must decide to respond or not, because there will be a settlement agreement. i asked the LOrd whether i should respond, or not, because of the settlement agreement , i technically dont have to. i am trusting God to show me what to do. thanks cog, god bless you , thanks for you spiritual guidance.
No excuses though.....maybe our WAS need to change a little also.
Yes, they do. COG is saying that HE needed to change himself, NOT specifically so his W and he could be together but because COG needed to deal with his own demons.
Now, as a side effect his W found being with him more attractive than being without him. But if you follow his story it's clear that that was only the beginning for HER changes to her own life.
Without that step COG would have been the 'new improved' man trying to live with the same W that left him emotionally.
There is no guarantee that the WAS will deal with their own issues. None whatsoever. The only guarantee we can give out here is that when YOU deal with yours, your life will change. And when YOUR life changes those around you MUST change because they are no longer dealing with the same 'you' any longer.
john,
I accept and believe what you say about the focus being on US changing. It is not easy to do when you are down and living under the same roof.
NOTHING is easy about reconciling a broken M. It's difficult because WE are difficult. Weak, selfish, needy, controlling and cowardly. We just never grew up to manhood. Thought it was about being cool, selfish, critical, demeaning, physical, arrogant, and stuck up. What we learned from our friends and our fathers was pretty flawed, but thankfully it's not permanent, if WE decide differently.
maybe our WAS need to change a little also
One thing you can count on for sure. They WILL change. You just stay focused on YOU. On letting go your neediness, your expectations, your self preservation, your anger, fear, resentment and anxiety. Those are all tools carefully planted in your mind by evil to allow, motivate, and guide you to failure. Courage, strength and faith will shatter that house of cards, and bring the truth into your life. Be brave, be bold, be honest, and believe in the one God that is love.
Fight the good fight!
God Bless,
COG
Craig,
Great to hear about the changes your W is making. It'll help your R no matter what happens with your M. I'm proud of you for taking hold of your life, making the changes necessary to become a better H and father. You will be blessed no matter what happens.
Don't know what to tell you about responding to your W's filing. My gut tells me the longer you can delay it, the greater chance you may have of it dying the slow death that it deserves. One day at a time brother, one baby step at a time.
Stay the course, love unconditionally, grow the man you are meant to be.
God Bless,
COG
Frank and COG....thank-you for the reminders / pep talk. Every so often, it feels good to be reminded.
Craig, sorry for the temporary hijack.
JOHN, NO PROBLEM. IF IT HELPS DO IT ANYTIME.
cog, i was at bible study the other night and we were discussing ephesians 5, about how the spiritual family is suppose to be. one of the brothers was saying how his marriage was backwards for many years, because he let his wife basically control what he should have been doing as the spiritual leader of his family. i went whoaaa!!!. Lord that is why my wife was not attracted to me. because i was the spiritual wimp. i got it, right then and there. she wants a husband that is loving control.loving his wife as Christ loves the church. she got tired of being in control. what a realization. i praise God for opening my eyes.
cog, i have my answer to my question on filing or not filing. based on information i checked into. since her paper work stipulated that everything would be in the settlement agreement, i would not have to file the response. which of course, base on what she has been doing or not doing, will delay the whold process. praise the Lord.!!!! gives me more time to work on myself, and see how see reacts to those changes. in Gods timing.
Craig -
Did you check with a lawyer that you dont have to file a response? Did her D petition have language that talked about a default judgement? I just dont want to see you run into problems due to some technical thing. It sounds good that your W is starting to change for the better! Keep up the good work.
In my case, we told the mediator that W had not filed a response within 30 days and we were concerned that some default judgement might come from the county. The mediator said that she would send a letter to both L's to stand down and that since we were trying to mediate a settlement that the court wont care that there was a pending petition requiring a response. Since the mediator meeting, it appears that my W wants to have a lot of time to think about whether a D is the right way to go. I think right now that my M has a very good chance of surviving with some hard work ahead for both of us.
kerry, original paper work from with states that everything will be settled by settlement agreement. there is no need for me to file a response due to that fact. nothing can be done until we submit and sign the agreement. everything, kids, money, house, poessions, all will be determined by agreement. if she had not put in the stipulation that there would be a settlement agreement, i would have filed the response. this in an uncontested divorce. i also prayed about it. i concluded, if i filed response, and served my wife, it would only possibly push things forward. because she has not really attempted to anything concerning the divorce for along time.i dont need to aggravate the situation. things are pretty smooth around the house.
i try to take each day, one day at a time. i have no control on what wife does. i have changed, and she is changing due to my changes. praise God.
Craig
Glad to hear that things are "smooth around the house", and I will pray that they will build from there. The Lord is our everpresent strength.
Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose
(The more things change, the more they stay the same)Neil Peart-RUSH
Craig,
It is amazing to see how far you've come since you first started posting. Truly amazing. I'm impressed. I hope you realize it.
woog, thank you, but i cannot take any credit for how my attitude has changed. if it was not for Gods prescense in my life i would be in the funny farm by now. it is strange to look back on the postings and see the changes. it makes me realize there is a definite pattern to all our situations. the thing that makes the differences are how we are able to change,and seeing how much our spouses will change after that. i reread parts of the divorce remedy last night just to make sure i was on the right course. i am
know where near where our situation is resolved. but my attitude has given me a fighting chance. i know i can survive without my wife. my life is not dependent on her. that being said, i also want my wife back. she is my best friend. i have let her know because of my spiritual awakening i want her to be part of that new life. i know it is in God's hands, i just need to do my part.
Craig,
I truly respect your faith, but you deserve credit as well. You should feel good about yourself. You've earned it.
woog, it is an ongoing process. i do feel pretty good as far as how i feel. i just need to keep my eye on the prize, look for little positives. that is why i reread the dr. book to remind my self that if and when it happens it will be in little steps.i am seeing some positives, but just need to patient.
Patient is right. I think I'm out of it.
i will admit , alot of my success with my wife has been the ability to not react when she says something that would have previously upset me. i am able to internalize it. i usually let it out when i see the mc, or i come here. anywhere but at home. my wife just sees a completely calm husband. it has made a signifigant difference. because for all her bluster at times as far as moving out, she really has made very little effort to do so. of course, that could change at any time. she is getting some money , i would assume from her fathers estate, and who knows what she will do with it.
the hardest part to honest with you is the lack of intimacy. not one touch or kiss in 5 months is a lot to deal with. also , just realizing that this whole process could take many more months.
so i have to mentally and spiritually prepare myself for the long haul, with no guarantee of success. that is where my faith in the Lord comes into play. i know i have seen little positive steps the last couple of months. but i also know that until the divorce is taken off the table i will be very apprehensive. my emotonial well being is at stake. so i am being very careful to not put too much faith in what my wife says or does. that is why i pray everyday for strength, patience, and a loving heart. because i do have moments of weakness, just looking at a photo of the family, can still bring tears to my eyes. i see so many people on the bb's who are struggling. i wish i could get everybody to understand the time frame we are looking at. this is not a quick fix. it takes more patience than i thought i could ever muster up.
Craig,
Those are very encouraging words...I am one of those struggling right now. Like Woog the pateince guage warning light is on.
Me too Craig.. I need to slow myself down and become more patient.
find my self in a major funk mood today. mad at myself for having my expectations for my wife way too high. i know better. wife did not see the disappointment. but i know it is there. she was very friendly whan she got home after being gone two weeks, dealing with the death of her father and having to take care of his affairs. it was actually unfair for me to expect anything at all. she was emotionally and physically worn out.
Craig,
mad at myself for having my expectations for my wife way too high
I hear ya Craig. As hard as we try sometimes those expectations just creep on in. We don't even know they're there until the W walks in the door and gives you the cold shoulder. The pain in the gut is an instant reminder.
It's normal, it'll happen. Shake it off, and march on. You are a warrior! It's part of the war, another battle between good and evil. You'll take many hits, bloodied, bruised, and starved, but in the name of Christ, stand up to the onslaught, raise your shield, swing your sword, and fight on to the death. Let NOTHING stop you! NO FEAR!!
It is spiritual warfare my friend, have no doubt about that.
May the Spirit of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, raise you up, make you strong, give you courage, and a faith that moves mountains.
Stay the course, fight the good fight!
Love,
COG
cog, you are like a guardian angel. you always seem to show up , when i am a little down. honestly, for the majority of the time i am doing very well. you are right about not knowing that the expectations are not there until a situation takes place. i am just glad wife did not see disappointment.the enemy will not prevail. Jesus is a mighty warrior, fighting for my marriage. he is my source. he is my deliverer. may the blessings of the LOrd be with you and your family.
journaling,
it has been 5 months since the bomb was dropped. part of me is waiting for the next bomb. things are eerily quiet and peaceful around my house. no r talk, no divorce talk, no moving out talk, nothing but comfortable conversation. i know, why am i complaining. well i am not . i can feel that something is going to happen. i pray for positive feedback from my wife. i pray for my wife to stop the divorce process. dbing is working, results are painfully slow and in very small increments. must keep my focus on Jesus, not on wife. going out of town on business next week, first time going out of town for months. it will feel good to get away. must keep my pma up.
Craig,
No news is good news. She sees the changes in you. Trust me. If we see them here then she must. Be positive, be friendly, be supportive and above all else, be good to yourself.
the enemy(satan) has been knocking at my door trying to derail my dbing efforts. i can feel that something is going to happen. i do know what, but i can sense it. i just need to pray constantly.
trying to explain db'ing to my boss was entertaining. no concept. he said because w filed that should mean it is over. i said "not so". will not to explain further. he does not understand that i want my marriage restored. i want my wife. i want my family intact. it is the Lords will.
Craig,
It'll be VERY difficult to find anyone that understands the struggle, the battle YOU are waging right now. 99.9% of people would just accept the D papers, go find a new love, and move on with life. In the meantime, they'll have missed out on one of the greatest opportunities of their lives. The chance to be humbled, to take a hard look at themselves through the eyes of the beings that know them best, their spouse and their God.
No, you'll have to look long and hard before you'll find anyone that understands. If you find a couple that were separated and or divorced and then reconciled, you'll probably find understanding. Otherwise, most people, family included, just can't understand. The understanding comes with the experience. If they haven't experienced it, they won't understand it.
God Bless the Struggle!
Love,
COG
just got back from week long business trip. everything at home seems to be the same. wife still has not made effort to move out. she seems content to just live in the guest bedroom and live life. 5-1/2 months of no affection is really wearing on me. i pray for some kind of positive sign soon. acutally have thought about pulling the plug on this whole mess a few times over the last two weeks. i know the Lord is working , i just need to be patient. the struggle is refining me as a person. i need to remember that more often.
Craig,
5-1/2 months of no affection is really wearing on me.
That's definately painful. Now not to minimize your pain, but 5-1/2 months is a sneeze, an eye blink. It could take YEARS for your W's heart to change. I think it might be easier for you to not count the days, months etc. Rather, look back at who YOU were 6 months ago, and compare that to who YOU are today. Measure your struggle in increments of change, not time.
Keep working on YOU! Keep praying, keep hoping, keep doing the things that bring you closer together, and stop doing the things that divide you. It's a long game.
God Bless,
COG
cog, i am not the same man i was 6 months ago, i believe that is one of the reasons my wife is still at home.it is so easy to get caught up in the negative side of the equation. sometimes i forget about the progress in the situation. but we all are bombarded by the worlds ideas of the ultimate relationship, based on sex and only sex. i just spent 3 days in Las Vegas. so much temptation, so much flesh. i could not wait to get out of there. you are right about not getting stuck on the time issue. we are getting along great to be honest with you. it is all superficial stuff. i know she is watching everything i do and say. i just need to be strong. thanks cog. God Bless you.
Craig54,
I am about to embark on the same thing you have been going through. Your words and patients are a great positive things for people like myself who are scared to death of starting something like that, going into the great unknown with out a safety net. I hope I am a brave as you are. Stay in there and give people like me hope that someday my issues will be better.
thanks
Michael
mg,
my safety net is the Lord Jesus, i lean on him for all my support. i also have a lot of good friends that allow me to talk to them about my situation. i struggle with the situation at times, but i always come back to the realization that God is in control. i just need to do my part and stay out of his way. follow the dr book. it works, read the success stories. they will inspire you. never give up. fight for your family. the stakes are high.
just a little journaling,
well first time in 6-7 weeks i got frustrated enough to get angry at wife. i was in the wrong, i just let my frustration get the better of me. so of course i had to apologize. she did not acknowlege it . small set back. nothing major. there was no yelling. i will admit situation has been getting the better of me this week. i will keep praying for strength.
i was at bible study the other night and we were discussing ephesians 5, about how the spiritual family is suppose to be. one of the brothers was saying how his marriage was backwards for many years, because he let his wife basically control what he should have been doing as the spiritual leader of his family. i went whoaaa!!!. Lord that is why my wife was not attracted to me. because i was the spiritual wimp. i got it, right then and there. she wants a husband that is loving control.loving his wife as Christ loves the church. she got tired of being in control. what a realization. i praise God for opening my eyes.
Hi Craig, haven't talked in a while, so thought I would drop by. Sorry to hear about your FIL. Talk about timing....it will be the 20th year anniversary of my Dad's home going in a few days. My dad was so srict when I was growing up, it was rediculas at times. It was just before I married that he and I started really bonding. I always respected him, even if I disagreed with him while growing up. As the years went by, our bonding grew and grew. I saw him change during his lifetime to the point I wished I could write a book about him, but then it probably wouldn't mean as much to anyone else. I saw the Lord do a work in him like I had seen in no other person. My dad was my hero. When he went to heaven, I grieved for him like I had never grieved for anyone else in my life! At times, I thought my heart was going to break from the pain of missing him. The only way I got through it, was knowing, without a doubt, that I
would see him again some day in heaven. It took me a long time to get through that process of grieving. I had not really understood what my H had gone through when he lost his dad--until I had to experience it. So, my heart goes out to her. She will need your strength and even more patient now.
I posted the quote above b/c I am so proud that you found out that women
do need spiritual leaders in their own H's. My H was not like that in our family and therefore, I had to take that lead in some areas with our children and it does not work as well as when Daddy is doing it. I personally believe that is why we are seeing so much trouble in marriages today, b/c so many of the H's are not the spiritual leaders that God meant for them to be. It throws the entire MR and family out of line. God has a plan for each of us, but we have to follow it, He isn't going to force it upon us.
Craig, you are trying as hard as any man I know. God will help you as long as you continue to stay in His will. However, the devil will continue to harass you. But, as much as you are before God praying, you will make it. Satan's army probably goans everytime you get up in the mornings....lol. You know, I'm sure, that there are about 3,000 promises in the Bible for Believers. Find those promises and use them for the situation at the present time. Stand on those promises, claim them as your own, and believe in them. Then, stand back and watch God work. It can be quite amazing!
I am sorry that the passing of your FIL was during this strssfull time in your M. It doesn't help things....as far as the human view point is concerned, however, you know what the Bible says about God's time not being our time--is so true.
Your role model before your W is the best medicine and comfort she can have at a time such as this. As you continue, day by day, God will give you strength. I have learned that strength is given day by day......sometimes, hour by hour. That is why we are not to fret about tomorrow's problems and what may be waiting for us......God's grace will carry you through a day at a time.
One word of caution......I think I told you this once before (lol), but often times we can get caught up in our own R with the Lord and we want our S to do the same thing and we tend to "preach" to them. That is not always taken very well when the MR is in troubled waters. Lead by example and not by preaching. Not that you have done that.....I don't mean to imply that you have. I'm just saying that, so you can keep it in the back of your mind if you get tempted to get in your pulpit. (lol)
Keep up the good work, my friend. Stay close to God and He will work all things together for good....to them that love Him and are called to His purpose.
Sandi
sandi, thank you for the words of encouragment. as far a me preaching to my wife. that has not happened. i have thought about it, but never broached the subject. i only answer a question when she asks one. sandi, you have been at this for a while. question, after many months did you find yourself falling out of love with your husband? yesterday, i looked at my wife,and thought to myself, i am beginning to fall out of love with her. i just sat next to my bed and prayed and cried. it scares me to think that it can be happening. it makes me sad also. if you do not feed love it will eventually die. the realization was very vivid and really made me ponder our situation. i have no intention of giving up. but i can see a change in the way i look at her. i know satan will try to use this. but he will fail.
sandi, my wife is so lost . she came home the last two nights and was in bed by 7:45. that is so not like her. the added pressure of her dad passing away and our situation is really taking a toll on her. let alone, the pressure at work. this morning i asked her if she wanted to talk about what has been bothering her. she said no. there is no anger, no harsh words. there is nothing. she acts like a zombie. it hurts to see her like this. i wish she would go talk to a counselor. but she apparently is not ready. she has no direction. i dont believe she thought this would turn out like it has. she is not happy. i have been dbing and praying constantly for our situation. i just need to keep my focus on the Lord. thanks for your thoughts.
after many months did you find yourself falling out of love with your husband? yesterday, i looked at my wife,and thought to myself, i am beginning to fall out of love with her. i just sat next to my bed and prayed and cried. it scares me to think that it can be happening. it makes me sad also. if you do not feed love it will eventually die. the realization was very vivid and really made me ponder our situation.
I know how you feel. Here I am NOT trying to save my marriage because I have to save myself first. As time goes on she's more and more distant, and I love her less and less. And it hurts to feel that way.
question, after many months did you find yourself falling out of love with your husband? yesterday, i looked at my wife,and thought to myself, i am beginning to fall out of love with her. i just sat next to my bed and prayed and cried. it scares me to think that it can be happening.
Well, Craig, I hate to tell you this, but yes I did feel as though I fell out of love with my H. You are correct in saying that if love is not fed, it will die. I went for so many years that my emotional and sexual needs were not met that I detached from my H to the point that I did not feel in love anymore. I loved him like you would love a dear relative.....like a sibling or somebody close like that. We were "comfortable" with each other for a while, but then that is when I fell into the "snare" that Satan had waiting for me.
When a couple goes through so much stuff like you both have, it really does take such an tremendous strain on the emotions that I think you do feel as though you have fallen completely out of love. Some people feel nothing.....like a zombie, and some reach a point they don't even like thier S anymore. I have been in both places in my M and it is not pleasant.
As I said in my last post, your W is going through too much at one time to try to adjust. The loss of her father, break-up with OM, reuniting with you.......too much at once! It sounds like she is very depressed (which would be certainly natural) but under these circumstances, she may need medication to help her get back to where she needs to be. As my doctor told me, it is not a shame or disgrace for a Christian to use AD meds b/c you can't help the chemical reactions in your brain anymore than you can help some other part of your body disfunctioning. I don't want to sound like I encourage people to take AD meds for every little thing that happens.....or b/c I have to take them myself. However, her case is severe and I think the exhaustion, the sitting without talking (zombie actions) it all shouts depression. I would strongly suggest that you get her to a doctor. She may not recognize how serious she is b/c of her condition, but you may have to make an appointment and take her yourself. If she resists, just tell her you love her and that she has been through too much at once and you want the doctor to see her b/c you are concerned for her health. Don't suggest that she might harm herself or anything like that.
I believe your feeling are the result of what you have been through. Hurt can damage a lot of feelings and it takes a long time to get back what you feel that you have lost. My H and I are not back a 100% yet. We still have to work on it. Mostly, it will be left up to me b/c I don't think he is going to change now. He is too set in his ways. I have to try to forgive the resentment that has built from many years (which is hard!)and put it behind me.
Try to not be so hard on yourself right now. I think you may be trying a little bit
too hard and maybe expecting too much from yourself......and perhaps your W as well. Continue to take a day at a time. At first, we just have to try to get through the day...you know? Baby steps along each day. Under the circumstances of what has happened lately, try to take care of each other (it will mostly be you taking care of her b/c she is not able to do much of anything right now). She needs you whether she acts like it or not.
Again, referring to your feelings......don't try to analyze everything too closely or it will drive you nuts! LBS usually do that when the WAS returns and it will do a number on you. Remember, you were trying to detach and now you are trying to attach back and your emotions may be confussed. Don't worry, just keep praying and depending on the Lord. This too shall pass.
Sandi
journaling,
first time in a couple of months the divorce was brought up. on the way to a family function , she asked me if i had filed my papers. i said no, she assumed that i did not since she was never served. i then asked her when she was going to move out. pushed her on this probably a little too hard. she said when she received her share of her fathers estate she was going to pay our daughters braces off and the credit card. i questioned her why she would not use this money to help herself move out. pushed again. she even commented on using some of the money for my oldest daughters wedding next year. i honestly don't get it. the only thing she seems positive about is that we are ending. she acts like everything else will be fine. she certainly does not seem to be any hurry to move out or sell our house. was tough week for patience. i failed miserably. God is patient with me. thank the Lord for that.
Craig,
I completely understand what you are feeling. It's like they can't move forward and won't come back. I don't know if its fear or just a lack of true conviction.
Hang tight buddy. Better days are ahead.
woog, i believe alot of it is the fear of the unknown. if i had been pushing her over the last 3 months she would have an easier time of leaving. that is dbing in action. i believe the true conviction is also true. at times my wife seems to be living in a fantasy world. she does not understand that things will be different if she does decide to really divorce me.
Hey craig..
Just stopping by to plant some *hugs*.
You're an inspiration..
..dig, dig.. *hug*.. dig dig *hug*
gypsy, thanks for the virtual hugs, i can always use them.
journaling again,
alot on my mind the last week. wrote my wife a brief letter, of course i have not given it to her. basically wrote down on paper that i was beginning to fall out of love with her. how much that scared me and how sad it made me feel. i also wrote how love will die if you do not feed it.a few times over the weekend i just wanted to blurt it out. but i restrained myself. i know it is pressure, my patience has been put to the test the last week. when i step back and really take a hard look at this situation, i would never believe it possible. i can understand why no one other than those going through this can comprehend the unbelievable craziness of each situation.there is a common thread to all our situations, but each one has a different twist all its own.
Craig,
When I step back and take a cold hard look at my sitch, I thank God that i found this website. Where else would I have found people who I could confide in without being judged and who have gone through or are going through similar situations.
I aree with you that WAS don't seem to relize the consequences....I would be interested in hearing about stories where LBS did leave and the WAS came back.
Craig, I hope you won't push her anymore about the divorce or leaving you. She has been through so much and I know you are in a lot of pain by her "killing your love" for her, but she has experienced a lot of change in her life already and if you push too hard and she feels that she has to leave or get D....it could have some bad results. I pray that you can hang on longer and give her support.
Tomorrow will the the anniversay of the death of my dad. 20 years ago.....wow! I still miss him so much. No matter how old you get, your dad will always hold that special place in your heart. I told my son when he found out he was having a little girl, that he would be the first man that she would ever love. It is so true and it hurts so badly when you lose them. So, sweetie, please hold out a little longer.
It seems to me that she is finding "reasons" to not leave, so I think that is a good sign. You feeling "out of love" with her right now, I believe, is a natural result of all the bad stuff that has been going on for both of you over a period of time. You have taken an emotional beating. Right now, she is not able to "feed" that love connection, but hopefully, she will be healthy enough soon.
Again, I hope you won't "push" her into doing something you both will regret. Get through this tough period....give her time to grieve.
Sandi
Craig,
Here comes a 2x4.
basically wrote down on paper that i was beginning to fall out of love with her. how much that scared me and how sad it made me feel.
Well I'm really glad you didn't give her that letter, it's pitifull. Lets not forget, love is NOT a feeling, it's an action. And don't get love and attraction mixed up. Those are two very different things.
i also wrote how love will die if you do not feed it.a few times over the weekend i just wanted to blurt it out. but i restrained myself.
I'm glad to hear that too. That was great restraint. Remember, her love(attraction) is already dead. I assure you, she understands how it died, she does not need anyone, especially YOU, explaing that to her.
I'm a little confused as to why you would be pressing her on the D. It seems you are almost daring her. She's not 100% sure about it, that's a guaruntee. It's your job to speak to the part of her that is not sure. Show her the loving, caring, supportive, fun, joyful, fearless, worryless, unbridled, MAN that you are. It's time to step it up, get off the pittypot, shake off those shackles, and rock man! Be bold, be daring, be creative, be different.
Treat her differently, speak differently, act differently. The same old thing will reap the same old thing.
God Bless,
COG
cog, i knew the 2x4 was a coming.you are right about the pity party. the last week has been hard. as far as the divorce talk, she initaited it. i only asked her about moving out. i pushed the subject too far. i was wrong. i know she is not ready to move out or anything else at this point. i was frustrated. cog, i need a stiff one once in a while, i mean a stiff 2x4.refocusing on Jesus, prayer. thanks cog for the reminder. it was a pitiful letter.
sandi, cog, just to let you both know, most of what transpired was an interior shuffle within myself. my wife did not see any of it. my mistake was asking her whether she was going to move out and suggesting she use the money from her fathers estate to do so. guilty as charged on that account. just plain stupidity on the rest, selfish stupidy. fortunately she saw none of it. it was a temporary brain fart, so to speak.
cog, went to mens bible study tonight. was pondering what i had done over the last couple of days. realized how much damage i actually could have caused. dumb. blew it twice in one week, had been doing so well for two months. back to basics.this is what happens when i put too much emphasis on what my wife is doing and saying. i know better, i know dbing works, i have seen the results, just impatient. next time a 4x12. redwood or oak.
Craig,
Oh trust me we all fall down, have brain farts. You should really be very proud of yourself for the things you didn't do. By restraining your actions, your words, you allowed potential for positive things to happen, for God to work. Yes you slipped a little, but you are improving, it could have been worse. It takes a long time to change old habits. Just keep working at it.
as far as the divorce talk, she initaited it. i only asked her about moving out. i pushed the subject too far. i was wrong.
Yes you took the bait. Women in particular are very good at testing us men and we are usually very quick to take the bait. They don't do it purposely, to trap us, it's a men from mars women from venus thing. I got baited just yesterday, but guess what? I am much more aware NOW, after years of practice. I quickly recognized it, quickly looked upward for support, and handeled it perfectly. Difused the tension in a snap. Now in the old days, we'd have argued back and forth probably all evening. She would have released the tension she was carrying, at my expense, and I would end up looking like a jerk for getting so frustrated about it.
It's all difused when we acknowledge the pain, focus on the source, and love unconditionally. We can not control our emotions, let them be what they may, but our actions are totally under our control.
I totally understand the interior shuffle thing. We all do it, very normal. It's a personal interaction between us and our God, and that's a private matter.
realized how much damage i actually could have caused.
Right! I am very pleased and proud about the "could have". The "could haves" might just make the difference between saving your M, and not. A "could have" done something very bad, is the OPPOSITE of the "have" done something bad. It's the right side of the decision that could have gone either way.
blew it twice in one week
I used to blow it 10 times a week, then 5, then 2, then 1, then NONE! It's a process, a growing, healing, forgiving process. You're doing it brother!
next time a 4x12. redwood or oak
His cross was made of wood, not really known what kind. Pine, dogwood, cypress, something along those lines.
God Bless,
COG
cog, i must admit something. this is for me personally, but hanging out on this website tends to drag my psyche down. it has been a real blessing, dont get me wrong. but for me i tend to let it drag me down. so that being said, i will limit the amount of time i spend here. i dont want it to be a crutch. i will continue to pray for the people i have come to know here. when something comes up i will post, if it is important. i will try to help other people when i can. cog, thank you so much, brother.
Craig, regarding this site, I have heard a couple of other people say that is gets depressing to them also b/c of all the suffering people express. It may help to take a break for a while or to limit your reading posts. I do hope that you will continue to come and keep us up with your stitch, b/c we do care about you and your W and the MR.
I wish we could all take a break from R's sometime and come back and be refreshed and everything be brand new, don't you? I even thought that if I could just get away from my H and all the problems around this house, it would do me so much good! I still think that....lol. However, it isn't likely to happen b/c I can't afford a vacation....and especially a separate one...lol.
Just trying to lighten things up a bit b/c this stuff does get us down from time to time. However, it has been my therapy and I will continue to say that. I may back away a little bit for a day or two, but find myself back here. My H won't go to C, so this helps me a lot. You have to do what you feel works for you. Take a few days away from the board....maybe a week, then come back and let us know how things are going b/c we will miss you a lot.
Sandi
Ditto for me Craig, I have noticed that you post less. I admire your tenacity and your committment to your W and M. I have nothing but the outmost respect for what you are trying to accomplish and the efforts you are using to try and get there. I need this site to vent and to read what works and does not work for other folks. If staying away for a few days helps your PMA go for it...drop by and see us once in a while will you!
sandi &john, thanks for the input. sandi, i do not think it depresses me ,i tend to lose my focus. as soon as i lose my focus
i tend to worry about what my wife is doing, instead of dbing. i almost blew it the other day by writing the letter, fortunately did not give it to my wife. but really thought about it. this site has been and continues to be a inspiration.
H Craig, Cog, ... Just wanted to say I understand craig's and john's feelings about this board. There is a tendency to lean on it for emotional support and often there is none. I tend to read it many times a day and draw a blank. The same happens when I try to pray; I get absolutely no response. Its like burnout after months of trying to keep a flickering flame burning in pitch darkness. And once the legal machine kicks in all bets are off; its a good thing that hasn't yet happened for some of you here; but for me it hit me like a ton of bricks before I even got to DBing. The odds are so heavily stacked against us saving our M's. I have been following your journeys and with all due respect for the advice, tenacity and reaching out I see here, I'm on the verge of not only letting go but giving up.
was talking to close friend about situation, he said he wishes he
would have been more patient with his situation , it probably would have saved his marriage. i give God the glory, for my determination during this whole process. good friday, i hope everyone has a great easter, remember what easter is all about. resurrection. we can also have a resurrected marriage, keep praying, be patient. never give up. have faith.
fb, i understand what you are trying to say . this site like any other information we gather to help us, has information that we need to gleen out for use for our own situation. obviously every situation is different. as far as our marriages and the odd's of saving them. i believe alot depends on our frame of mind. i truly believe with the Lord, everything is possible.with that in mind, that is why i have not given up. wife is still in house , papers have been filed, but nothing more than that. it is in the Lords hands.
Craig,
remember what easter is all about. resurrection.
Easter is about dying. The resurrection came AFTER the death. Is there anything that still needs to die in your sitch, before the resurrection can happen?
God Bless,
COG
cog, true, but good friday would be black friday without the resurrection. death, then resurrection. is there something that needs to die in my situation. good question, i will have to seriously think about it. off the cuff, i would say there is probably something tucked away that i have not dealt with yet. but the Lord will show me. i will confess and let him forgive me. cog, believe it or not this experience has been a blessing. i have suffered yes, but God has shown me so much. i am not the same man i was 6 months ago. of course i still mess up. but the anger is gone the moodiness is gone. i am filled with joy alot more. he has openend up my heart again. it is humbling.
hi brothers in Christ,
fwiw, wouldn't Good Friday be about dying, since that is what occured. And Easter Sunday be about resurection, since that is what occured ...or am I mixed up.
Anyway enjoy God's supreme gift of salvation through Christ's paying of our sin debts in full.
tomato, yes good friday is about jesus's death on the cross. the day he took our sins and nailed them to the cross. but the fact that he rose after three days is what easter is about.it is all about his willing sacrifice. his absolute love for us that allows us access to the father. his death bridged the gap.
as with anything, it is all in the perspective. the bottom line being that he died so we would have eternal life. the other disection was just splitting hairs so to speak.
Have a blessed Easter!
Craig,
Sorry, I got that wrong. I was caught up in the Good Friday moment. That's what happens when you live in the present. Anyway, point is, there had to be death, before resurrection. I believe that applies to our lives, and also to healing M's.
We look forward to Easter Sunday.
God Bless,
COG
cog, i thought about your question overnight. i do have something that needs to die.my expectations for my wife and still too high.i reacted last night to something she said, in a negative way. not verbal, but a facial expression. she can read me like a book.i need to bury my expectations. the last week has been a real roadblock, i do not know why, but it has.more time in prayer.
cog, i signed up for that divorce support group that you recommended, thanks for the recommendation. looking forward to it. another perspective is always welcome.
listening to a christian radio broadcast this morning, pastor was talking how God works in our life even when we don't necessarily see anything. and what he uses is usually within our own sphere. basically if we pray for our spouses to reengage in the relationship, we need to change, change our perspective, change our self. all i could think about was what divorce remedy stresses, change ourselves, for ourselves, and see what happens. the tough part is the patience it requires. we must wait on the Lords timing not our own.
well, i just got out of the hospital after a rough weekend. had an attack of diverticulitis. long word. painful. wife was out of town during time of episode, she is the one who convinced me to go to er to have situation evaluated. glad i did. i know my wife still cares , because she called at least 6or 7 times during first day in hospital. start divorce, seperation meeting tonight. should be enlightning.hope.
I hope you are feeling much better now. Good sign that W called that often to see how you were doing. D meeting certainly not something to look forward to especially when you just got out of the hospital.
Take care of yourself.
addie, my mistake, this is a support group for seperated and divorced people. my wife has made no moves towards divorce other than filing first set of papers. i am being realistic though. i know she could start up process any day. to be honest i at times wonder why she seems happy to continue to live in the same house, in limbo. life goes on. The Lord is control, i must remember that. thanks addie, for you concern.
addie, my mistake, this is a support group for seperated and divorced people. my wife has made no moves towards divorce other than filing first set of papers. i am being realistic though. i know she could start up process any day. to be honest i at times wonder why she seems happy to continue to live in the same house, in limbo. life goes on. The Lord is control, i must remember that. thanks addie, for you concern.
addie, my mistake, this is a support group for seperated and divorced people. my wife has made no moves towards divorce other than filing first set of papers. i am being realistic though. i know she could start up process any day. to be honest i at times wonder why she seems happy to continue to live in the same house, in limbo. life goes on. The Lord is control, i must remember that. thanks addie, for you concern.
addie, my mistake, this is a support group for seperated and divorced people. my wife has made no moves towards divorce other than filing first set of papers. i am being realistic though. i know she could start up process any day. to be honest i at times wonder why she seems happy to continue to live in the same house, in limbo. life goes on. The Lord is control, i must remember that. thanks addie, for you concern.
I'm glad to hear that then. The support group is great. The fact W is still living there is a great sign. She obviously has doubts about walking away.