UNCOMFORTABLY NUMB:waiting 4 certified ltr !!

Hi to all of you fellow DBr's,

I guess now is as good a time as any to begin my thread. I don't think I will even try to keep it condensed. This just seems like a good way to offload a whole bunch of what has been crammed up in my head. And now with having a cold there seems to be even less room to fit the cauldron of interpersonal turmoil that is boiling away in my cranium. So anyway, time to release my personal pressure cooker and hopefully feel slightly better in doing so.

I met my wife on Nov 20, 2000 in a Bon-Ton Dept. store. It just so happened that a good friend of mine also worked in the Men's Dept there. So in the process of paying him a brief visit he pointed out several of his female co-workers who might make good prospective dating candidates for me. Of those he mentioned, only one did I wind up approaching and talking to. For me to be approaching and striking up conversation with really anyone and especially a female was rather uncharacteristic for me. What truly stands out above all else from that first encounter with the beautiful woman I would go on to marry, was her cheerfulness, her smile and how she seemed to immediately take comfort in being around me. The comfort level manifested itself in her placing her hand on my shoulder and my arm. This was kind of an element which normally would make me uneasy but I found it to be a pleasant surprise. So, the non-verbal indicators were very good and as for her verbal input, it had a slightly wierd twist to it. Her first remark to me was to ask if I was any relation to the W@#*^ family. I told her they were unknown to me and she informed me that I bore a striking resemblance to the man she calls 'dad' (actually her stepfather), and that was his surname. Our conversation during that first encounter although not a great length of time formed a definite connection between us. She was eager to further that connection evidenced by her offering to meet me at a cafe perhaps that evening once she finished her shift around 8:00. She provided me with a contact #. I on the other hand was still in disbelief that I had just approached and even talked to this attractive blond & available female that it didn't occur to me to give her my #. It wouldn't have surprised me if she had to ask her co-worker (my friend) for both my name and number. Though my words in the exchange were few, I think I did manage to say 'hi I am !@#'. So that was day one in what would become a winding tumultuous path for the two of us friends, counterparts and lovers.

More to soon follow . . . (maybe some of substance)

ME=37
WAW=39
T=7+
M=5+
StepD=19
Poss adop D=14

Hello to the board community (from a Man in need):

I had just wrapped up my crystal clear recall of the very first moment I set eyes on the woman I would be joined with for a lifetime.

For both her & I it is an understatement to say that we have had to deal with a whole lotta crap since that first encounter. Obviously some of it has been self created and other parts of it have not. Fate (for those who subscribe to it)can place in your lap apparent joys as well as apparent sorrows.

Myself and my mate were beset by terrible news only 4 months into our engagement and just a couple months prior to our wedding day. That news was that she might very well have a tumor in the area of her brain stem. Not that there is any great way to receive news of that magnitude, but to have it delivered to you in an office visit would have been surely preferable to hearing it over the phone as she did.

Needless to say our lives were turned upside down. It hurts me now and causes me to quiver a little to think of this. That was nearly 6 years ago and it is to this day a weight that our marriage (and each of us individually)has had to endure. The two of us have counted our blessings that from that day until now her physiological health has not been impacted in any way. I certainly hope those same blessings from GOD on high continue just the same.

Suffice it to say that our marriage, like most, has had its continuous tests for resiliency. Sometimes we fared better on those tests than other times. And as is evidenced by a helpful and well utilized Board such as this one, certain times in life require outside assistance from others and hopefully from trained professionals as well. With this devastating news happening during our engagement the two of us thought it wise to seek out the help of an LSW counselor for help with the multitude of issues staring us in the face.

My then fiance had a 13 yr old daughter who's emotional state and well being would need to be closely monitored during this unfolding crisis. This was of course my fiance's first priority rather than herself. Secondly, as tough as a person as she is on the outside, my fiance's widely ranging emotions could not be contained. A third reason for the counseling sessions(and more peripheral and lesser)was what this discovery would mean in terms of our marriage plans and just what part I would play in her life from this point on.

Not that many wedding engagements don't have plenty of twists and turns to them which shake the core on some level but ours had a uniqueness to it that I am glad many other people do not have to face. I found myself being questioned by my fiance about if I would want to stay with her given the circumstances and why I would do that to myself. More than 5 years later I would still answer affirmatively to that question and I have never regretted it. Even as I sit here now having to wait day in and day out for divorce papers she claims she has filed, if we could magically move backwards in time(with the knowlege of our present life) I surely would not have chosen to bow out of the chance to marry the person that I Love more than any other. I may not be sure of too many things right now, but of that I am sure.

Another thing that I can say that I am sure of is that as of today (and we are supposed to be living for just this 1)I am still a married man. I am even a happily married man at certain moments. As I survey my perspective on the present state of my marriage, I see myself doing the things that I need to be doing to allow for the best possible outcome to our marital mess. In casting my view on my wife I see her scrambling to survive and to her that would seem to include discarding her marriage because she see's no way to experience anything other than pain that she attributes to the marriage.

Jesus reigns supreme. Despair will not come over me.

More later when I am up to it!

I am having to rally hard to turn back the despair right now and will be bowing down before my Lord shortly for some reinforcement.

It just seems with each weekend that rolls along the I am being marched one step closer to a rotten despicable divorce. Maybe this would be easier for me to take (or maybe not) if the love that i feel for two precious women was not soon going to abruptly and drastically change. While my wife and I were never blessed with having any children (she has a 19 yr old D), we (and almost without question to a greater extent myself) have gotten deeply involved in the life of a terribly neglected "throwaway child" who has spent the bulk of her life in and out of foster homes. This child has taken my life to a level that I would never have that possible in the 1.5 years I have been active in her life. Tears of joy routinely well up if not just flow freely from my eyes when I spend any length of time considering the moments that she and I have been able to share most notably within the last couple of months. When my wife and I struggled to conceive a child of our own of course the subject of how I might feel about adoption would invariably arise. For quite a while my initial view was at best luke warm with regard to adoption. But that all changed when this truly amazing gift of a daughter descended into my life. Now sure I realize that like all relationships there is the initial "honeymoon stage" that just about all of us are aware of. I am not of the belief that she has no flaws and that as a teenager she won't be a handful to parent(especially with the tapestry of issues that she will forever have resulting from a long history of her real parents atrocious physical, mental sexual abuse and trauma). I can only say that she feels as though she is nothing less than my very own daughter and the love I have for her grows by the day whether with her or not.

The heartbreaking part of all of this is that this child has for the 1.5 years that we have been involved in her life, with the passage of time, she has felt one step closer to joining our family. She has suffered nothing but abandonment all her life and I am sure was seeing my wife and I as a family and a home that would not be a mirage. And a mirage we certainly seem to be in my mind. The pain I am experiencing is tortorous to me but I am very sure that it is not even a tiny fraction of the pain that this child has had to endure through her young life.

So the relationship between my W & I appears to be forever changed for the worse and just what is in store for the blossoming father/daughter relationship which I have aparently been foolishly developing is a huge question mark.

Time to say my prayers and head of to bed and hope that something positive comes tomorrow.

May the Holy Spirit immerse you and those you love.

Hi fellow DB folks-

Just a quick capsule of how my weekend unfolded. I had some in person contact with WAW this weekend and that was just resulting from my dropping off the foster child which we have been sponsoring/surrogate parenting, and probably more to the point, further screwing up the life of. One sure sign that seems partly indicative of this is the terrible news that I received two nights ago. As I was readying to spend a great weekend with my ?quasi- daughter? (for lack of a better term)I received word that this girl had slid back to self harming behaviors of cutting herself which she had been free of for about 4-5 months. For me to presume that I can pinpoint what caused her to self harm again is perhaps not good(given that there are so many variables in the life a teenager) but suffice it to say that chief among those variables is her witnessing the rapidly eroding relationship between myself and my W. It makes me feel terrible for what we are doing to this already deeply wounded child to not be able to not be able to convince my wife in any way to stay in this marriage til we get it right.

As a result of the incident of this teenager cutting/scratching herself Friday, she politely requested that we reschedule this weekend's visit with me so that she could have "girl" time with my wife. I understood this entirely and let her know that I would pick her up as planned (fm the therapeutic foster hm she's at) and I would drive her to my W's place as she wished. Upon arriving there Sat PM we did the brief phony family harmony routine that has become customary but always concludes with this sweet darling child seeing either myself or W go on our merry way and disappear for the remainder of the weekend with some sorry ass pitiful excuse given. My W is the one more heavily addicted to the cool-aid than moi and for quite a while believed we were fooling this vulnerable child.

As a friend of mine mentioned to me "a lot of men are dreamers and are caught in fantasy land" with regard to being rather ignorant to the real state of our marriages. So I guess I am just aS MUCH OF A DRINKER OF THE COOL-AID

Who the heck knows? And I kinda would like for someone to take a glance @ my sitch and offer some kind words or any at all as I am feeling lonely and could sure use a boost.

Please respond if you are able to take the time to read my F . .'d up mess of a present life.

Thx in advance. May the Lord lead you, bless you and keep you well!

Gotta go walk the dog 1 last time and take care of other misc promises to self.

Goodnight

Another fine morning (half-hearted attempt @ a PMA):

I have always believed that without sarcasm I would fall away as dust. Maybe that is one of the things she can't stand about me?

Since I have received no responses or feedback from any of ya, guess your all either to baffled at how much of a knuckleheaded donkey I am as evidenced by the dung heap I find myself floundering in. Or maybe more to the point, I have not been too much to the point on what I would like anyone to make a comment/suggestion about.

So, I will back away from the self effacing angle and believe it was because of the latter reason of not offering something direct for anyone to provide input on.

Some questions that are windmilling around in my head are:

1. Is anyone familiar (as I have had to become) with attachment disorder linked to pre-adolescent traumatic experiences/PTSD?

2. Can anyone offer some help on how I gently but firmly have my W be accountable for and follow through with her promise to notify the CHildren & Youth Svcs that because of her insistence on a D we need to retract ourselves as candidates to foster or adopt the sweetest child I have ever met? (this is a catch 22 cuz I don't wish to speed my W towards divorce but the child must finally be put 1st!)

On that note, I will toss these Q's out there and hope 4 at least a HELLO from somebody perhaps. I am decently groomed & hygiened so I don't suppose that's the reason nobody on here has tossed out a hello 2 me . .ha ha!

Help

hi,

anyone around here wish to exchanged greetings and salutation or maybe even offer encouragement?

I hope everyone's day has not gone too badly.

I guess I can say that about my own day. The wheels stayed on through the day. Whereever you have to look and for however long you've gotta spend doing it happiness is out there to be found.

If you're reading this feel free to share some of you're own reflective healing kinda thoughts.

Tomato,

First, 'Hello' - I've discovered that weekends here can be a little quiet, so please don't take the lack of response personally.

Second, my heartfelt sympathies for the stresses you've endured before your wedding and others now.

Next, if you haven't already, get one of Michelle's books. I'm personally working through DB, but many here will recommend DR as well or instead of...

After that, based on what you read in that book, put making yourself better first and foremost. Your pain and anguish didn't attract your W in the first place and won't attract her back now. More importantly, there are others in your life (including you) who want/need to see you as healthy, happy and adjusted as possible!

Finally, put this troubled young lady as close to the top of your priority list as you can (based on your posts, that would probably be right behind you and your lord) - if having the discussion with CYS is going to happen, the sooner the better for her. The more she's exposed to your situation, the more she's likely to backslide.

PLEASE have THAT discussion with W as soon as possible!

Tomato,

Sorry to find you here, but your in the right place. As stated, make the child first priority, above you. She is innocent in this, and you'll have to work with W on it.

Get the book Divorce Remedy and start reading. Then reread, and I would suggest read it again. You get the idea.

Post on others threads, anything, even if you can't give advice just encouragement, it will get them to look at yours. Make some movement around the boards, saying Hi, and they will come flocking.

Hi Tomato.

I agree with the other guys above. Read and post and work on you.

I know that this time can be frustrating and painful, but put the M in Gods hands, ask him to bless it and let his will be done with it... then you can focus on you. The better a man you become, the better off everyone will be. $\:\)$

Maybe I missed it, there was alot there to process, but does your W have any specific complaints about the M or your roll in it? It's obvious that you all have been through a lot of crap together and that can be so hard.

Hang in there... $\:\)$

thanks so much for making me feel like part of the group here at last - same, atlas & ann. It feels good, not so much because i have so many pressing Q's that I need answered (although input is sure always nice)since I am by no means weak or dumb in finding my way through most things in life. And where I stumble and fall or feel clueless I have no prob turning it all over to the one with the Teachers Edition answer bank . . .GOD

Thanks again it is great hearing fm you, I look fwd to more. And I have acquired a fair amount of knowlege and seasoning in life to sometimes share with others if they want to hear my ranting and raving.

Time to stroll around here some more b 4 work calls.

Samebutdiff:

Thanks for your words of comfort. I have been making sure to keep a close eye on myself so as not to whither away to a catatonic zombie type of being. I do physically, mentally and even Godly sorts stuff to keep me primed for whatever awaits me. That's sort of funny . .all dressed up and nowhere to go sorta kinda, but I know that will all be sorted out eventually. And you won't find too many other on this planet with the patience of mine. It will be put to the test.

Her books are wonderfully written and offer a treasure of how to get it right in this endeavor, aren't they? And as I think of my very very special girl who I spend time with virtually every weekend (serving as her surrogate Dad). It really won't take any maneuvering to place her at the top of my priorty list, as she is already placed on that pedestal (just have to not fill her head with that or she'll b struttin around with a tiara).

As far as fast tracking the notification of Children & youth, I will not allow my wife to drag her feet on that any longer.

Thanks again for reaching out and I will look fwd to hearing and chatting with you more.

Atlas:

Thx for your kind encouragement and thoughts. I am anxious to get my hands on DR as I have found DB to be such a huge benefit to my sitch. I'll make sure to not let my kid get caught in the crossfire anymore than she already has. Tis not fair to her to heap any more garbage onto her as the beginnings of her life has been something you would never want to imagine in the most sick and despicable ways.

Thanks again I will keep an eye out 4 U, hope you'll do the same.

Ann

I appreciated your sharing your brief but sharp advice. I have been perusing the BB for nearly a month now and had read some of your posts. They are usually pretty insightful and of course anyone tell is the way it is as far as placing it in the hands of God and thereby showing there love 4 him ranks high in my mind.

Thanks again for sharing. Oh and as far as my W's specific complaints, they are usually pretty non specific. Not that I am a big fan of compartmentalizing people (obviously sometimes there is a need)but my wife shows some signs of being a MLC'r. Boy does that sound like fun for me or what? Many a time a have been accused of being controlling, and it is also her claim about 4 months ago that I basically sealed the deal for her want of a D because she feels that I retreated fm MCing because I was too afraid of my "many" problems being unveiled (she projects an awful lot).

Further and very crucial as far as my part in the the disintegration was my post-1st separation choice too foolishly create an online profile on yahoo personals during my couple of months alone. And after we attempted to reconcile and started cohabitating the profile remained intact until she went into my email and discovered it. She, of course immediately assumed the worst (as always)and believed 'I was sleeping w/ whores and that I was nothing but a big fraud and had everyone fooled in thinking that I was a Christian man'. It made for a disatrous Christmas '06 and this years didn't go a whole lot better even though we tried to piece things together over the last year.

dropping off of here fm my perch (as if a bat, & actually I do fly). Will probably ck back in an hr or so from the job.

Cool, I made it to the point of receiving on of those yellowy sparkler things on the BB topics . . .what a milestone!

It is the little things in life, you gotta pay attn to them too for the humor they can provide.

Yesterday I took care of Biz in some senses by doing what needed to be done in confronting W and insisting the call to CYS needs to be done today. Her response was to pretend to be caught off guard by this and stall for more time. So, I volleyed back with agreement on her thinking about it and politely requested that she get back to me with her "thoughts" by today so we can get rolling with doing things properly for a change. So I felt good about accomplishing something and slightly defusing the weight of that from my shoulders.

More later gotta roll

Hi tomato,

MLC has to be hard. My FIL is kinda in one, but he didn't get all crazy, just bought a new car (really fast, so he can drive 15 mph heading to work and home, makes sense to me

), started playing video games and such.. became a 16yo boy basically. I can't imagine what you are going through.

I appreciate what you said about my posts. I try to be helpful if possible and if not, at least encouraging.

It's funny. I'm a christian and I'll tell anyone and everyone about the amazing things that God has done in my life. Here i kinda read people's sitchs and see if they mention it. I've run into one too many people that just don't want to hear it or have their own beliefs. I only post about it when i can tell it would encourage the person reading. I still pray for everyone, even if i don't say anything. $\:\)$

H did the same thing about my myspace account. It's not like he couldn't see it, but I was obviously using it to find other guys to have sex with (he actually said that). I just ended up deleting mine. Apparently, if you are christian, you can't have any friends. hehe.

Hang in there. I know that the LBSs with MLC spouses are in for a very long ride! You can do it though.

ann

I am back here lurking/vegging for a bit.

Can someone pls kick my ass into gear so that I do not break my positive but short trend of working out to get my conditioning back to where it ought to be. Just need a little consistency.

I received a late night text fm W last night, after I spoke to her to propose that we get moving on notifying Children & Youth as long as she is sure on a D. It just said 'do you wanna talk'. She knows that I Hate text msgng and so unlike her I have to pay for each line. More than likely she will not contact me at all today as I so politely requested her to at least twice. She said that I had thrown her for a loop with my 'unreasonable' forceful request to get notification done by today. So chances are she will slyly and childishly use the text msg as her attempt to get back to me today.

You sound angry to me. I would go do something for you like exercise because you want to do it not for anyone else. Go check a movie...heck don't lurk here all day and go to bed to do it again tomorrow. Get your shot of PMA and go GAL. Heck if my WAW asked me "do you wanna talk" I would be ecstatic. I wouldn't be in a hurry for anything...let time go by...control yourself. Don't worry about the rest. It just drives you nuts.

I don't quite know what my next move will be as far as dealing with my W's stalling tactics about contacting CYS and letting them in on her decision to D me. SHe herself set a self imposed deadline of this past Fri. That came and went and no action fm her. Then came her surprise that I would push her on it yesterday . . go figure. Inside her head I would not wanto to be. The operative word has for W for longer than I can remember has been CONFLICTED. I let her know of that observation quite a while back.

What do you want? I think I could've made my wife so mad she would've served me in October had I asked her questions or said comments like that. She could be stalling for reasons only known to her. No way you are going to figure her out. No need to anyhow. Let her contact you...find something else to do in the meanwhile. So my move, leave her alone.

Let's see . . where did I leave off in my memoirs of marriage. I hadn't really gotten very far.

Me head is full of muck! Time to offload some of it to ready for the next fresh load.

To my thread . .I have a bit of a thorn in my side, which is by no means a new development.

The situation that I married into w/ my W was one where she was married briefly b4 in 'shotgun' fashion and there lovely daughter was born some 3-4 months after. It surely is always the best for the baby/child if upon getting a D that both spouses are able to learn to cooperate in co-parenting during the 18 or so years that lie ahead b4 a brand new life will no longer be considered a 'minor'. And so on the one hand I could have been happier and admired the approach that was taken by her and her ex in how their D was raised. She has turned out to be a lovely young adult. Not to say she hasn't created some pretty nasty stirring in mine and W's marriage, especially recently, but is almost a certainty when parties move to their respective sides as a D appears imminent. There was sure no way in heck she was going to be allying with me. Her and my W are pretty much co-dependent and love to love each other as well as hate each other fm time -time. Who am I to take a stab at understanding mother/daughter relations . .ha ha.

But back to the thorn in my side. With the very amicable and admiring kind of closenes that has been pretty much a hallmark in the relationship between my W and her ex . .there is a stink that emanates from that relationship. When I say that I am neither ravenously jealous(although I don't claim to be immune fm jealousy completely), nor do I at this time believe that there have been attempts to reignite a flame between them romantically or physically. The characterization that my wife would periodically offer up about her relationship with him was that she knew almost instantly that their's was a R which was not sustainable or something to that effect. And that she had for as long as could remember viewed him with the kind of love reserved for a brother (and she didn't hail fm Arkansas .sorry to offend any natives). My wife has made many strides in her life to overcome the lousy deal (understatement)she was given early on and I commend her for it . .usually silently though. One of the lingering issues, of which there is no shortage, is her ignorance or lack of adherance to boundaries or tactfulness. I don't necesarily believe that those are instinctive things but more ones you have to learn and her early household was not a model one. So she fails to see, understand or obviously respect boundaries pertaining to her and her ex. This is so F . .ing messed up.

Gotta take a long breather.

Hi Tomato, Just ckecking around and i have to agree with jwm. you sound angry. Not that you don't have a right to be. I was angry w/ H when he asked me for D. Question: Does that anger come across when you speak to her? Is it helping you reach your goal?

As respects to boundries and tactfulness: she either respect boundries as respects to XH or she won't. Whose boundries are they? Are they yours or hers? Do both of you clearly know and understand the boundries? If they are your boundries, they are yours to enforce. I guess i'm just not clear. I think it's very important that everyone knows where their boundries lie and that they are responsible for enforcing their own.

For instance: one of my boundries: I will not continue in a M that is detrimental to my health and physical or mental well being or that of my children. H knows this. I told him this when I told him ILYBNILWY. Things have since gotten better, if things go back down the wrong path, it is MY job to make sure that he gets a reminder and that I do what i need to do to enforce that.

best not to try and figure out the mother/daughter R. I (as a daughter) will not even attempt to figure out the R between my own mother and my sister. Scary ground... $;\)$

Keep a personal inventory of your thoughts and feelings. I keep a journal that I write how I'm feeling and why i think i feel that way at the time and my response and H reaction. Later i can go back and see how things have changed and which things trigger different reactions in myself. This can be a great time for you to take a deep look inside and learn about yourself.

Tomato,

Have you gotten DR yet. You need to decide what you want? Then start using the tactics. You are angry and we all go through that, but if it is driving you then it will ruin your chances. You need to take control of you, that is the only real control you have. Let W do her thing for now. Just let her be, don't push or pull on her at all. Just leave her alone.

Hi atlas, Jwm & Ann-

Thx for stopping by. And thanks for the reality check on my anger level. It feels to me like it is only on a slow simmer. But I am a firm believer that I am not necessarily the best judge of that. I am fairly certain that this issue has been one of a bunch which my W finds particular fault with.

I don't think that it even approaches an unmanageable level in me though and I sure have been using extra vigilance about this during the very infrequent contact that I have with W. I wasn't at all in GAL mode today. Did more moping or rather comtemplating than anything else today.

I will be placing a call to my sweetheart foster girl/daughter very shortly and I am sure that will provide some pick me up to my day. She can do that for me with out even trying.

I hope everyone is well in some way or another. Glory be to God.

Well, time to throw a brief update on here. It was an eventful last 12 hrs for me. I am feeling kinda sleepy and will be heading off to the 'sandman' here shortly (I have an inverted work schedule).

While the front half of yesterday was kind of like quicksand for me, things took a very unexpected turn last night. My W works until 8:30 each night and that is about the time I get started with my job. So that has never been a catalyst for improving communication or any part of a R for that matter. When your communication is basically relegated to cell phones as the primary means things will deteriorate and they did with us.

Back to the unexpected twist which at least provided some positive motion to my day. Two nights ago I spoke to her to urge if to get moving on contacting Children & youth if she was as definite about D as she has led me to believe. She balked at making the call so I told her I would talk to her again about it in a day. I spoke to her as she was leaving work last night to see if she was agreeable to a further discussion about the foster girl matters at 11:00 last night when I would have a break fm my work. Not only did she agree to this but what came next was quite shocking to me. She suggested that 'why don't you come over my apartment for our talk (@ 11 last night)and then just get your 4 hr nap here to make things easy for you'. Certainly without much hesitation I said fine to that.

Once that brief but upbeat call wrapped up, my heart rate picked up a tad bit (who my kiddin, a lot)and I proceeded to fetch all my personal grooming/ hygiene items for good measure. Then I put a few words on a post it note - as keep your head focused properly items. At the top of my very brief list was 1)Zero Expectations. In the three intervening hours from my appt setting call to W she managed to fall asleep and although aparently not in bed when I showed up she may has well have been. She wasn't feeling well physically, unfortunately poor health is the norm for her.

For me to have spent the night in our marital bed after not having been able to for about the last 45 days is quite the blessing. It would even be a blessing if her intent of having me there last night was to hand me D papers, which although it didn't happen surely did cross my mind for a half second.

It was a moving day for me in the end even though as I said the beginnings of it were rather quicksand-like and had people on here detecting anger fm me. Whether moving towards a cliff or away from way the movement was enjoyable to me. You gotta live life in the moment. The good Lord takes care of the rest.

Speaking of rest, time for my siesta (this one's unpaid . .damn)

Good morning everyone:
May this be a peaceful Holy Spirit filled day for you all. Pray always and you'll never regret it.

Not much new here or maybe I am just to out of it to think of anything. I am sure I will have something to say in a little bit.

Well that was kind of a long 'little bit' of hibernation. But I have emerged from the extended weekend in one piece (if not peace).

A little horeseback riding on Sat w/ my daughter (in my eyes). Then a Sunday AM brief gym workout (which daughter accompanied me to but sitch moderately 'came off the tracks', followed by an eve family get together where she gotta pretty uncomfortable being around a bunch of new faces. And to top off what was supposed to be our wrap up weekend day together on Monday I took her to the E.R. as a precaution because she has been complaing of recurring sharp abdominal RH side pains. So we wound up spending all day and part of Mon eve in waiting pattern in a room in E.R. But I was there for her (whether phantom symptoms or not)and felt good about showing her what a "real dad" is like, since she has never had 1.

AWWWWWWWW . . .teenagerssssssss!

Enough said

Hey Tomato - Sounds like you had a good weekend. Hope D is doing well. It's awesome that you are able to be there for her and support her and show her what love is.

Hows everything else going?

Originally Posted By: ann25

Hey Tomato - Sounds like you had a good weekend. Hope D is doing well. It's awesome that you are able to be there for her and support her and show her what love is.

Hows everything else going?

During the extended weekend there was at least 1 avoidable non-DB phone conversation which my D overheard my raising my voice @ W. And of course she asked why I was yelling @ "mom". I simply said that I didn't realize that I had started yelling and didn't mean to. I told D I was sorry for upsetting her. But the damage was done by my screw up. So, because of D's background (severe PTSD among other things)the rest of the weekend she gradually went into her shell and started triangulating between me & W. Kinda the good cop bad cop scenario.

But I live and learn (I hope) and the weekend certainly had its up moments. It was not a complete bust by any means.

Now to prepare for a return call to W to further iron out specifics/logistics as the divorce freight train continues down the rails.

Thanks 4 the companionship Ann.

P.s Guess I gotta practice some more on how 2 do the quote thingamajig since it almost but didn't quite work (kinda like my marriage)

Geez , don't know when that happened and if it is a good sign or not but I guess somewhere along the line my Junior DB license got upgraded (or downgraded) to official full member status. The little things.

Not that I wouldn't have guessed that my W would begin to show some indication of what appears to be neediness and being a little conciliatory. It just so happens that a few days ago her only child my stepD19 got to take a brief European vaca to Germany. My W doesn't have any real close attachments/friends. So with me pretty well either semi or permanently banished from an intimate R w/ her and her D out of town for a few days already and a few more to go, she has called me three times so far today. After the second 1 I returned her call to sort out logistical type stuff and it was then that she mentioned D being away for a while. I felt really good about how I handled myself during that call. And just in the last hr I got a call that I missed by about a minute. Her msg was nearly incoherent and ultra short, "Iiitts meee (and her name)". She sounded pretty well out of it and in the dumps. It seemed like bait for me to call her back. But for now anyway unless there is another call explicitly requesting me to call her back then I really won't even consider it. Man I have come a long way from being in complete and total 100% chase/pursuit mode 100% of the time. As the C put it 'distancer-pursuer'.

Hi there,

I am just rolling along with my morning routines here. After my last post late last night another my phone rang yet again @ midnight (rather unusual for W). Once again I did not take the call and the subsuquent msg was, "I am just calling to let you know that I am not going to be able to make our previously planned Saturday meeting to sort through the stuff in storage shed w/ you, as you know my sister's health has been bad and I need to head home, so you can get what you want fm there and I will have to do it later . .good night"

I am debating as to whether to casually get back to her just to insure that her sister's health has not taken some terrible turn. I will probably do that at some point today and I will just confirm having rec'd her msg with a comment about, 'I hope your sis is alright'.

That's a wrap 4 now, the car is warm (maybe even outa gas by now), time to walk the dogette and catcha few morning ZZZZZZZ.

I hope everyboby's day goes swimmingly well. May the Lord's peace and grace be with you all.

Hey Tomato -

D is a little reality check on the anger. She's probably much more sensitive to it than anyone else would normally be. It's good that she said something to you.

I think it would be a nice gesture to contact her and see if her sister is doing ok. She obviously wants to talk to you. I would just avoid any R talk in that call. Just make it friendly.

Hope you are doing well... $\:\)$ ann

Thanks Ann, I did get the chance to talk briefly w/ my sweet D14 last night. I call her at her foster hm a couple X per week as a minimum. I had just dropped her off there on Tuesday & since she was stressed and in a sour mood in general and particularly @ me I chose not to call her later that evening. But when I spoke 2 her last night (she chose not to decline my call $\:\)$ )it seemed like the 24 hr cool off worked somewhat cuz she seemed upbeat that I called. Beyond that she really didn't have much to say at all, but it was great to hear her voice and perhaps she felt the same.

In terms of my W's sitch, she left me a more detailed message this afternoon explaining the problems w/ her sis' health. The news was not good, as her sis (who already had a tumor on her tongue removed 6 months ago)aparently has a tumor on her right leg. In response to this news I immediately phoned & left msg for W to let her know of my shock to this and that I along w/ anyone else I could recruit will be praying 4 her sis. I also told her to let me know if she could use any other help.

So the days been a little turbulent. I did however stay on track with my excercise routine by heading out to the H.S. track and running through the snow showers. It was exhilerating in the below freezing temps. The focus seems to be where it ought to be today. I hope and pray that it remains.

I certainly am looking fwd to next week as I am on vaca fm work. On one hand that is surely exciting, but it also leaves me with a lot of idle time and idle thoughts that go along with that. Eeehh maybe when the time arrives it won't be so idle afterall. I may choose to head out to SoCal this time next week (my family will be bummed if I decline). My sis lives in San Diego area and she is hosting my bro and P's next week. I kinda feel like I will be under a microscope with all of my present difficulties so I don't know that I am all that enthused about going. So I won't make up my mind until last minute.

That's enough of an update 4 now. Everybody keep a clear head and let God do most of the work.

My W called bout an hour ago and let me know that she appreciated my vm in which I told her I was shocked to hear of her sis' medical diagnosis and that I would surely include her in my prayers. And she reinstated are planned meeting 4 Saturday to get our storage shed cleared out.

She said she was really struggling to cope with all that is happening in her life and could not get to sleep tonight. I mentioned that I would grab a card to send to her sis & she was pleased by that and said I could leave it w/ her when we get together next. Also she told me that D14 called her tonight since this was going to be her weekend with D14. But with all that she is dealing with right now she couldn't bring herself to answer the phone and explain all this crap to D14 and perhaps have to decline to spend this weekend with her afterall.

I just want some Peace almighty Father!!

I am surely learning something. Time to go take it and me to the outside world for some GAL time.

Hi all, One last work night to get through, which starts in :45 mins then it is unplug/vaca time for me next week. Don't know how much relaxing I will do but it feels good to have the freedom to do whatever.

I have been trying to keep some sort of semi-regular contact w/ WAW, since her life is in a word CRUSHING her. She just found out in the last day or two that her sis40 has some kind of cancerous? mass on her right leg and will learn more about the surgical options and how immediate the need is for them on Tues.

It is very evident from hearing W's voice just now that she is not holding up well to the absurd weight of the many crises she is experiencing. I will (without pressing the issue)be sure to include in each and every talk I have with her that I will be happy to assist her in any way I can.

To know that my bride is sooooo hurting right now and I do not get to practice trying to be the caring, comforting, soothing H that I know that I can be for her really just sucks the life right out of me.

I use the word practice because I know that all of my previous efforts in that dept seemed to rarely get acknowleged and when they were it was with a complaint and with disdain. So my confidence level to be able to sucessfully comfort her was shot to he#*. I am really troubled even worse than most people I think when it comes to failure and rejection.

Anyone else droppin' on by here feel free to serve up whatever thoughts, prayers, cares 2 X 4's even.

It is a tad bit lonely in here.

don't have too much time to spare b4 I gotta dart out the door for work for the next few hrs. But I will be sure to check back around 11:00 tonight.

As I prepare to retire for the night I have to mentally ready myself for an encounter w/ WAW tomorrow during which we will probably be working alongside each other to sort through and clear out the contents of a storage locker. I am looking forward to the chance to be around her and have some friendly interaction with her. Those feelings that I can confidently know that I will be happy around her are new one for me. I think a significant chunk of anger has fallen off of me and it feels really good to know that I am not worried that I will screw up and get angry around her.

I hope that I posess the same outlook tomorrow as I do right now.

Due to things beings so incredibly horrible in her life right now and terribly unstable, this get together may not even take place. That would not be a shocker.

I just feel right now like nothing can bother me or upset me too much. Damn I hope I am able to carry this into tomorrow and this just might work out really well.

Good night Tomato. I am thinking of you and praying for you. I hope tomorrow goes well. God will give you the strength to get through it!

I bought several books today. Among them
1. 'The Five Love Languages'

2. 'Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting'
(I took a real liking to this after browsing it)

3. 'They moved my bowl' (Dog cartoons which were too funny to
pass up)

These will provide me with some enjoyable distractions should I need them during next weeks vacation.

Everybody have a terrific night and a peaceful weekend. May God's hand touch you and impart courage, wisdom and understanding to your lives and to those around you.

Thanks for sharing BobbiJo

Time to go pray and hit the hay

Well, I have a measly :30 min of work to finish up this AM b4 vacation begins. But due to delays this AM probably won't get through til 9:30-10.

At least my PMA is still in place. I hope all is ok w/ W. If all goes as planned I guess I will find out this afternoon when I am expecting to see her.

Good luck this afternoon, and take advantage of that vacation time. Do something you will enjoy, like reading the dog cartoon book $\:\)$

It was no surprise to learn yesterday AM in a text fm W that she was way too exhausted and totally overwhelmed by what is going on in her life to even think about getting together to take care of sorting through and cleaning out storage place with me. So I did a little of it myself and left the rest of it for another time. The book reading is going well. And when I get tired of that there is a whole bunch of other stuff for me to get caught up on (isn't that always the way).

I was mildly stung by a brief phone conversation that I had with D14 yesterday. If you are new to this thread, she is not legally my D (but in my heart she is) and she & I had some tense moments over MLK weekend. So she was planning on spending this weekend with W, until W cancelled out on her for this & next weekend. So I figured I would offer D14 the chance to get away from foster home she lives at for either this weekend or next one and she declined both. Oh well, I am and will continue trying to be the very best Dad I can be to this sweet child and I will see where that gets me.

Be happy in the knowlege that our heavenly Father has it all under control.

my eyes just went kind of buggy when I noticed all those "weekend"'s up above there in my post. Kind of weird, but then again so am I.

No contact with W on Sunday at all and it has probably been about 10 days since I last saw her. Even though I stayed fairly busy Sun., which is always good, it is hard to not get down over what is going on all around me. I'd like so much to be able to hold her & comfort her during this time when I know that she is such dire need of that. Then there is the part of this nightmarish scenario involving the life of a terribly fragile young girl who I refer to as my D even though she really isn't.

I could be so extremely close to having my W slip out of my life forever and for all I know the same might happen with the closest thing to my own D that I have ever known.

I think it is time to say prayers that tomorrow will be bright and I will be able to restore that PMA that I seem to have temporarily misplaced. I guess I'll take a melatonin to insure a good nights rest even though I am feeling like sleep won't be too much trouble. Good night and God bless you all.

Hi Tomato - Just stopping by to say hi and see how you are doing... What have you been doing just for you lately? How are those 180s going?

Take care - God Bless... $\:\)$ ann

Hi Ann, I just left U a msg as I was happy to see that your time on retreat went so well. I will have to find something like that for myself to do. I guess I should probably get off my butt and actually join a church one of these days. I would have already but my life/job has me pretty gypsy and nomadic-like. So I attend several churches but haven't been able to "put down roots" as my C encouraged me to do.

I probably should spend part of tomorrow laying out some goals and scrutinizing my progress in terms of 180's. I gotta make sure my efforts are being optimized in my extremely complex maze of struggles. Between my effort and the Lord's, we'll have it licked in no time. Gotta go do some talkin' to him and see what he has to say to me. Catch ya later. Stay in the straight paths the Lord our God provides.

Don't really have a lot of time right now, but just read that you are kinda looking for a church. Here is the website to the church that I go to... It's the international curch of christ. They have churches all over the world. Maybe you could check it out. Even if not, I really hope you find one!

Church Locator Link

Thanks a bunch Ann, that was nice. I hope you are well, take care.

Alright, enough of me being a bump on a log here. Before my vacation is over b4 I can say Boo, I am officially hanging the 'Closed for Vacation' sign on this thread for the next couple of days and propelling myself headlong into a vacation that I am a couple days behind on fully enjoying. Adios, I am off on a trek to soak in as much fun as is humanly possible with God at my side. BRB . . .not. You all get along and continue to learn & grow.

Geez, This board has a gravitational pull on me. I was trying to do the vacationing thing and it was going quite nicely. I guess this is just an intermission fm the last couple days of my vaca. I chose to head down to our nation's Capital and tour the D.C area.

It was a very enjoyable (but rather shortlived) adventure for me and my pooch. It was nice that I was able to find some fairly deluxe accomodations that were pet-friendly to boot. Me & Rue, my adorable blondie Keeshond/Samoyed, were styling with an awesome 10th flr skyline view of the Pentagon, Washington's Monument, etc. We have now returned and I am trying to find some more fun stuff to do to fill out the vacation. In the meantime I am here alone (but 4 Rue) and I am trying not to dwell on that.

May the Lord's blessings inspire you to share love with others.

I am struggling to identify positives. Being here in a house for long stretches at a time alone is wearing me thin. I am fully aware that I need to get out and do something that could bring me some fun and entertainment in the final couple days of vaca. I am not without motivation to do that but just can't seem to find anything or anyone to get out and GAL. This is starting to suck.

I guess sometimes you just have to force yourself against the grain. For instance, even though I am not really enthused by the idea, taking the doggie out and about is something she can never get enough of. And who knows what experiences I may or may not happen upon in the process of that activity. So, I guess I know what I am going to do next.

Hi Tomato,

I also struggle with what to do to actively get a life. I have a little girl and although she keeps me busy most of the time I also need to try to figure out how to get a life for myself. I think I've kind of lost myself in being a wife and a mother.. and now that I do not have to focus any attention of the "wife" responsibilities at this time I'd like to come up with some things I'd like to do for me. I'm just not sure what they are or how to go about doing them.

I'm going to try to make plans for next Saturday.. Maybe find somewhere to Karaoke. I love to sing and used to Karaoke a lot (many years ago now). My H is planning on taking D2 on their first overnighter since the separation next Saturday night.

I'm glad you've got your best friend Rue to keep you company.. and I hear it is a good way to meet new people... hanging out at the dog park!

Good luck.

Tomato,

I am jealous! I have always wanted to go to DC. Lucky you....I saw your comment on my thread and my first thought was, "Isn't he on vacation?" so I came to check out your thread. Try to enjoy your last couple days. Maybe go see a movie if there is one you have been wanting to see. A bunch of popcorn and an interesting movie always keeps me occupied for at least a few hours....

Hope you had a great time in D.C. glad you're safe.

While I am thinking about it . . a funny (my kind of twisted humor anyway)episode that arose on my trip 2 DC w/ Rue. We were staying on the 10th floor @ the Sheraton National Hotel. My sweetie, her official name being Princess Rennie Rue, is neither a city dog nor is she known for amazing feats of bravado. She is as much of a tender-hearted girl as can be $\:\)$ So anyway she made (as best I can recall) her debut of riding in an elevator on Thursday/Fri , because while I love her to pieces, I sure as heck wasn't about to keel over from taking her up/dn 10 flights of stairs each and every time she had to do her thing. When we made our way up to the room for the first time she was wanting to have no part of the shiny brass compartment with the mechanical doors. But each succesive time(and there were many) we rode the thing, she adapted a little more to it as long as long as her Pop provided some soothing words of encouragement. It was funny to me seeing her get all rubbery legged and slink to the floor of the cab as we made our way up to our posh accomodations.

It just ocurred to me . .the parallel between that episode and the frightening episodes that each and every one of us is having to endure and grin and bear it like my Rue had to. Food for thought.

As we are on the eve of the day of the Lord, listen to what he may be conveying to you. As with all listening, listen for understanding and your heart will be transformed.

Where2, BobbiJo & Blinsided1,

Thx for saying hello and inquiring about my mini trip to DC. As you can see fm my last post, I always mangage to have a good time in spite of the swirling tornado that I find myself in the eye of.

I just repeatedly ask that the Lord keep me parked for now in the 'eye' where the winds are calm.

Never give up, the Lord is helping you 'fight the good fight'.

Tomato,

Thanks for posting on my thread and leading me to yours. I've been able to check up on your situation and please know you have a kindred spirit here in me and I'll be a regular support to your postings as I hope you will be in mine.

First off, I can totally empathize with you when you 1st posted. Getting everything off your chest is very theraputic, but when you don't get responses, you feel very, very lonely. I was overjoyed when I finally got a response to my thread, and since that time, I've made sure to keep up with SPM and essie as they were the ones who welcomed me into the fold on this site. It is now so validating to post, even when we don't get responses, because you KNOW someone is out there reading your story and the people who can help you the most will always open themselves up to you.

I know you are a very religious man, and although I'm not active in a church, I do believe that God has a plan for us all and everything happens for a reason. I read the DR book when I did because that was when I was ready to understand it. I hit this site when I did because that is when I was supposed to look outside for some support. My M is having trouble because I'm supposed to learn adn grow from this experience. It is painful, but it is necessary. All things happen for a reason and while I may not initially like the ultimate outcome of things, the ultimate outcome is what I'm supposed to experience and learn from.

Continue to be patient and continue to work on growing and loving yourself. I'll be around as I'm glad to find another man who is having difficulties with a W in MLC.

The "major medical events" we share in our stories have led to this behavior in our W's, so we can definitely help each other along this long and bumpy path called MLC.

Talk to you later.
RTL

RTL

Wonderful to hear fm you. We were aparently posting on each other's thread simultaneously .ha ha. We'll make it through with each others help. There is a plan indeed and it is not ours, we'll be made to conform in any case (kinda like the round peg in the square hole at certain times).

Tomato,

Not much to add, sounds like you have a good PMA. Good to hear you have the dog around for some companionship and support. W and I had to put ours down just prior to the bomb dropping. Probably part of her scale tipping. Miss that little guy a lot. She actually got me a lab 5 days prior to leaving, and I had to give her up since I was now alone and she was a pup and alone all day. Wish I could get a dog right now but between work it just wouldn't be good for the dog.

I've found in GAL that trying new things is pretty cool too. Do the dog park for sure, it is as much for the owners as it is for the dogs. I always used to meet the coolest people there.

I too have been finding it hard to do GAL activities on my own. I've been doing lots of things with the kids, but have not had much time for myself. That has all changed this last week as we have started our parenting plan. I started something totally new for me - golf lessons. I hope that as spring comes around that I will be good enough to get out on the course.

You might want to checkout meetup.com to see what things they have in your area of eastern PA: http://www.meetup.com/cities/us/pa/

Thx for the posts Atlas & Kerry,

If I had good PMA a short while ago then it got wings. Oh well we all know how that goes. Me and the dog-ette got out at least today for some fresh air. Although I was able to find a pet friendly hotel a few days ago, unfortunately my fave restaurant I just returned fm does not have such liberal policies. So she had to wait it out in the car while I had some bruschette con pesto and chianti. Oh well, her palette wouldn't have apreciated it anyway . .lol.

My NMA continues to fester as I hang out here passing time & breaths in an empty house (I am housesitting for P's while they are away visiting the remainder of my family)

tomato,
hi and welcome to DB boards. Many are giving you excellent advice, wise to follow as they know more than we beginners.

Something is confusing me, after several posts back and forth. Posters are asking you for a few of the reasons your W wallked??? Why, OM, OP, sex, MLC, You? First thing you Must do is read Michele's books, have you or are you? Second you must accept and work to identify your part in this M breakdown. Seems to me you keep blaming Just your wife.
Ok, we keep trying to help if you wish. Sorry I am so blunt.
grid, lost

Tomato,

No real advice at the moment. Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you. Squeeze that doggie for me, I wish I had one. I used to cry into my dog's fur when I was thinking about H and OW (this was before I found out for sure but when I knew in my heart). But she lived w/us 9 months and kept being aggressive w/our kids and running away so we adopted her out to a "rescue league" couple 8 days after I found OW and H together in the hotel. Double whammy, lose my H (at least temporarily) and my dog. Enough about me. The point was, love on that pup and you will have to feel a little bit better..... $\:\)$

grid

Thx for cutting to the chase. I have a way of starting in that direction and then deviating from facing facts/reality. So feel free to be plenty blunt as it forces me to take a solid look at the nuts and bolts of my sitch.

My W and I are pretty well on amicable terms at this time but that surely was just about never the case when we were together.

In a nutshell my W has certain problems as do I and when we spend time in each others presence the mix was rather toxic. The problems she has identified of mine:

1)overcontrolling
2)deficient in emotional support
3)and the catchall . . .I cause her to be unhappy & enormously stressed

I have gotten a lot fm DB and had started to read DR and I am looking fwd to acquiring a copy of it so I can finish it and have the full arsenal of what will work best for my sitch.

Even though as I said I do sometimes deviate from facing the music I do not recall posters asking for the 'reasons why my wife walked' and me not attempting answer that. So I am not sure what you mean. Maybe you could identify what you meant by that to help me.

Jesus draw me closer to you. Shepherd me one step closer to heaven.

BobbiJo

My Rue is good medicine for sure. She is spoiled by her Poppy. Sorry you are without a dog now. Thanks for the warmhearted msg, it is very much appreciated.

grid lost (and anyone else who dares to try and digest this 1),

Even before your post, I was starting to feel as though it might be a good idea to clarify things a bit in my sitch that is only partially recounted on here. So thanks for the nudge. I am notorious for needing them quite often. I was unraveling my marital storyline and then I kind of truncated it and didn't really get into the particular troublespots of my M. So now I will try to stay on point in that.

Here goes.

Since my signature line indicates that the first major crumbling of our M ocurred w/ Sep#1 5/06, I will try to give a brief synopsis focusing on what I believe led to this unfortunate decision on her part. When I first met my W she had a county corrections job that paid well and had good benes. After about 2.5 year on the job all hell broke loose both @ the job and with the discovery of a tumorous mass in my W brain. She was a corrections ofcr with morals and virtuousness and that caused her to stick out like a sore thumb when the scandals hit (as they always do in that line of work). So her days at work kept worsening with ever increasing amounts of stress and then the news of the tumor arrived in Feb 2002. Obviously with her needing to take time off for her and I to go to the various Dr's and have them provide opinions on what would/could be done about this grave matter, she was pondering as to whether to even return to this stressful job. She switched to a different county job where she remained for almost 6 mo after we were married in 4/2002. She was making a little less $ then and struggled to get along with co-workers there. So at this point 5 mo into our marriage she made a Major life adjustment and she followed me to a new town a couple of hrs away leaving her job and more dramatically causing a geographical split between herself and her D(14 then). Her daughter since about age 8 officially lived w/ W's ex and his parents. And for the 4 yrs or so before I met my W she lived in a neighboring town to her D & D's dad and (peculiarly enough)it was the case when I met her that she was living for a time in the same house as D, D's dad and the GrP's.
So after securing the ok fm her child to make things easier for us as a newly M'd couple. We proceeded to get a place that was in the town that my work was based at. With her making this heavy compromise, I promised that I would only have us there for 1-1.5 yrs max (and this would later come back to bite me in the derriere). In the new place our financial position suffered with the loss of her salary and we remained there for 3.5 yrs (boy did I not live that down). During that time she completed her schooling for a B.S degree which was begun in 1989(and was interupted w/ birth and raising of D). She worked sporadic P/T jobs during this period, which I remember I got on her pretty heavily about due to the lack of consistency. As I look back on it now, of the 3.5 yrs there perhaps the 1 - 1.5 years were not as volatile as the second half of the time there. We have fought throughout the course of our M but the frequency/intensity escalated in the last half. And then as I had openly voiced the concern/question that with her being perpetually unhappy I feared that she would high tail it out of our M as soon as her college degree was in her hand. I believe I voiced that concern roughly 1 yr prior to her finishing school. And she roundly denied that she would walk away like that. If I remember correctly she spoke in very reassuring tones and made it clear that in spite of all the fighting she truly loved me and I should put to rest any feelings to the contrary. Then with my birthday fast approaching and in her last couple of weeks of classes before finally crossing the finish line for a very well earned degree. I returned fm a weekend visit to my parents a couple hrs away and boy was there ever a birthday surprise awaiting me. Not just a "we need to talk and I feel it is best for us to separate now". But she did it in fine fashion. She invited her mother over our place during my brief absence and the two of them packed up just about everything that wasn't nailed down, placed in to in a U-haul and drove it around the corner to a storage center. She decided to break the news gently to me, as she downed several glasses of wine in rapid sucession, by having me take her out to eat on my b-day instead of having me drive straight to the scene of the crime. What a birthday!

That is my attempt at a brief synopsis leading to Sep#1. Brevity and me don't get along. But it's not trying to divorce me and I will keep trying to do better at that too.

I will try to in a bit less longwinded fashion explain some of the details leading to Sep#2 another time.

I love the LOVE talked about by Paul in I Corinthians 13. That's what I am looking for.

Tomato,

I love the Corinthians I, verse 13 passage as well. Keep reading it regularly and it will help you to understand what love is really supposed to be like.

Keep positive and keep moving forward. Until everything is final, there is no point in giving up hope or the fight. In fact, I have another teacher here at work who was mere days from going before the judge when they decided not to divorce.

Thus, all of us who want our relationships to work need to keep fighting until the final, and I mean final, bell, no matter how difficult the road ahead gets. It will be very, very difficult and trying to do, but we all must do it if we really want our relationships to survive.

Keep moving forward and keep leaning on all of us here as we too will be leaning on each other.
RTL

Thx so much RTL. I am hurting right now and really needed a boost.

Maybe getting back to the job tonight will pull my focus away fm the repetetive negative thoughts that have been plaguing me.

Thx again. God is great.

T -

I'm glad I can help. I took a huge step back today, got mad at my W and ended up apologizing with tears. Oh, well. I couldn't hide the lie for too long I guess as I was reeling today and I let her know.

My childish actions didn't help, but I think I did recover pretty well.

How did your day finish up? On a good note, I hope?

Hi again RTL-

It just so happens I knew of your crummy day b4 seeing mention of it here. I guess we cross posted.

The best way I can term my existence right now is just the way my thread reads - "uncomfortably numb". The part about waiting for certified letter, who knows on that issue. It would seem that is just part of the game that MLC'ers play. They have convoluted minds for sure.

No contact fm W today, and w/ no expectations . .that was good. Saturday I played taxi-cab driver for her for about a half mile during which she did as she always does to indicate her off the charts stress level and anxiety. She talked incessantly adn in circular fashion telling me things she had already previously mentioned just to fill the void and be in control of the sitch I suppose. There is no such thing as a comfortable silence for her and in that regard we are polar opposites.

I am tiring myself out while I continue to spin my wheel on the road to nowhere.

I think I will do some pleasure reading till I knock off. (that almost sounded like something else to me . .perverted mind) Don't mind me . .been just a bit too long on the celibacy wagon. And this is just the beginning, I am afraid.

Lord pour your Holy Spirit upon me and my needs would be met instantly.

Hey T - how "Eastern PA" are you? How close to NY or NJ?

How R ya .. IWanna,

My crazy life caused me to state it that way, "Eastern PA". I am a pilot by trade and for now I reside in Wilkes-Barre area due to my flight route. So, I am not too far fm NY metro area. A little bit of a drive but not too far.

Are you in the "Gotham" itself?

OK - this is cool. I'm an hour fifteen from Wilkes Barre. Take Route 84 east, cross into NY and I'm 15 minutes over the border into NY.

I have a proposal if you're interested ... once a month, a group of us Standers from NY/NJ/CT area meet in Nyack, NY. Somewhere between 8 and 10 of us usually. All men, all standing for the healing of our M. It's awesome. One guy drives 3 hrs one way to join us. Dinner, some talk, some prayer, and plenty of Godly perspective. Very cleansing. It's usually on a Tuesday night - 3rd Tuesday of the month. God fearing men supporting other God fearing men. Non-denominational. If you care to join us, you would be welcome with open arms.

This I need and have been looking for in earnest. Thank you Lord. Thank you IWanna. I will surely want to be a part of getting to meet some of my fellow DB'ers.

Just let me know when/where your next planned gathering will be cuz I may have to juggle my schedule around some in order to make it happen but I would surely like to make it. It sounds equally fun and therapeutic 4 the heart mind and soul.

Hey, T.

It sounds like the men's group would be well worth the drive for you. Hopefully it won't be too difficult of a commute for you to make.

RTL

RTL - If you're anywhere near Phoenix - do me a favor - that's where my W is. Go knock on her door and tell her to come home. LOL.

I'm in South Scottsdale, roughly 15 minutes away from Downtown Phoenix, so I'm actually near your W.

She's close - actually N Thompson Peak Parkway, Scottsdale
What a small friggin world.
I'll hopefully need a recommendation soon on a mover for her - LOL.

Incredibly small world because my school is at Bell and Thompson Peak. She's right around the corner from here.

What's all this chatter on my thread without me? This is a toll road ya know! Pay up. LOL

Guess I will create some chatter of my own.

Some of the things that concern me @ present:
[list]
[*]null
1 W's overall health - she is believed to have a chordoma (bone cancer @ brain stem) and she swims in a sea of stress constantly

2 Relative to #1, In breaking ties w/ me she informed me that she would no longer need the family health ins my empl provides

3 She is teetering on edge of losing the hard earned fairly lucrative state job she fought hard 2 get - and of course it's health benefits she just aparently enrolled in

4 Even with her job intact she is just barely (at times not)making ends meet financially-she has w/out notice helped herself and mentioned afterwards to an acct she promised to remove her name fm over a month ago

>>>>> On this matter, so as not to be taken advantage of by her broken promise any more, I opened up another acct today. This was partially inspired by a comment on here (Sandi's perhaps) that when dealing w/ MLC S ..do not aid there efforts financially.

5 Back in Dec (after latest H bomb) I promised against W's wishes (though it was token resistance) to pay her apt rent each month til lease end, "stating that it was my honor, privilege & vow to do this as her H. (probably hypocritical in light of above remark)

6 I am trying be as delicate as I can possibly be in handling all things that are a part of this ever growing and maddening sitch but in particular I want to be a Dad to this 14 yr old girl so badly. My vulnerabilities are dangling in the breeze once more waiting to be smashed like a pinata

As I was nearing the end of my concerns list, my W called & I answered to discover that she wishes to come to pick me up fm work tonight so that we can talk (nothing alluded to by her)

I answered in the affirmative and so an encounter of some sort is set to happen on my turf at the motel my Co puts me in every night.

Anyone with any suggestions, comments, prayers, break-a-leg wishes feel free to chime in. This could be anything from a - she is having second thoughts; to here are the papers, plz sign on the dotted line.

His will . .be done. Please Lord, as I have asked you for more times then I can recall . .BREAK HER RESOLVE

I think I will go for a run to stir up a fresh batch of endorphins so that the smile will not have to be so forced at tonights encounter.

I could really use some advice to keep myself fm acting like an ass tonight (if she doesn't cancel again)

Any & all viewers pls help with a word or two.

I will check back in a bit.

Lord allow me to act as a medium for your LOVE.

Just remember to think before you speak. If what you say will NOT benefit the situation, but could potentially aggrevate it, don't say it. Let it be. Just remain calm and pretend that you are just sitting around with a friend. That helps. Good luck. Good idea on the run, give yourself a headstart at a good mood. Keep us posted.

Good luck tonight Tomato! Keep us posted on the talk! I am thinking of you..... $\:\)$

Show compassion. And ask the Holy Spirit to put the words in your mouth. Im off to mass, I'll sneak in a prayer.

I am very grateful for your guys/gals friendly lookout of my craziness. Thanks a million, I have added your input to my arsenal.

The run sure did hit the spot. I am in a good state. I will surely act as best I can as her very best friend. I plan on surprising her big time in nothing but good ways. Time to unveil a 180 or two and make her want me again, God willing of course.

Hopefully, she won't bail. But I will be ready for anything just like a Boy scout.

Do what is pleasing to the Lord & if your not sure then ask him.

Good luck Tomato. I hope and pray you'll have a wonderful conversation with your wife tonight!

Good luck tomato! Like you said, if you are in a positive frame of mind then you can rest assured that you did your very best whatever she may do......hope it goes well for you.

Hey, I've been moved to a new post (for RefuseToLose) under the Newcomers as my old one ran out of space.

Anyway, I was served with D papers today, so my world has gone completely crazy.

I'll keep you all posted on my new thread.

RTL

RTL,

I just wanted to encourage you not to lose hope....I went through the separation and divorce paper thing.....and it never went any further. Today, my W and I are 100% reconciled....praise GOD!

Tomato,

I am a friend of I_Wanna_Make_It_Work....and he mentioned that you might join our monthly "Men Standing" dinner in Nyack. I hope to get the privilege of meeting you...and you will find our gathering to be very encouraging. We have been meeting for nearly 1 year now....and I am always blessed. This is just another one of those "good things" that has come out of our trials. Count the blessings!

You seem to be doing very well! I'll try to stop by occasionally although I am not on the boards much these days. Take care!

Hi Everyboby-

Thx for all your supportiveness.

Our "talk" took place, she did not cancel out and I am glad 4 that. The proverbial 'certified letter' that I had been trying to stave off through prayer and any other means at my disposal basically arrived to me by hand delivery by W.

Our encounter was very amicable at the start and pretty well remained that way for its roughly hr long duration. From her picking me up and the 10 mins to arrive @ motel she spoke to me on the updated condition of her D19 (had a case of Bell's palsy which mimics stroke last week)and her facial symptoms are clearing up daily. She also had to update me on her sis who will be having surgery in an attempt to remove cancer in her femur? .

So after the talk on those topics we arrived @ motel and in the light as opposed to the darkness of the car I am certain that the mild 180 of a constant smile on my face was everpresent and with out a doubt noticable. It felt good and came naturally around her. Instead of her saying, 'what are you smirking/smiling about' as I can recall a bunch of times, she just said, "what", to which I responded something like "I am just choosing to wear a smile", rather then getting semi-defensive as is often my nature.

At this point she gradually segued into the stated reason on her part for us getting together- a talk about us. She first made sure to take one of her Lorazepam (anti-anxiety) and I kiddingly asked her if she was distributing meds & followed that with "I doubt I will be needing one, will I?"

The initial part of her talking with me on the nuts & bolts seemed benign enough that I buried the idea of receiving papers. And she surprised me in some regards with her candidness about her actual (not Federal fortress wall city as is her custom)feelings, which showed quite a bit of vulnerability. And as I was not shocked to hear, she still has plenty of loving feelings for me. She remarked that on many occasions she could barely help herself to resist the urge to call me and request that I come and be with her so that she could hold me and have the security of my closeness. She also made mention that she had something of a rush of emotion as I approached the car upon her arrival this night to pick me up.

As I said the candidness fm her was pretty astounding for a W who in a heartbeat can erect walls taller than you can imagine along with her pride. I listened to the best of my ability and commented sparingly but purposefully during this heartfelt talk about the span of our M. But when all was said and done,through her tears, she got around to doing what she intended on and produced her envelope.

I comported myself well throughout, I thought (even with a smile). The only part that I somewhat bristled about to her was my feeling of deception by her to say this was going to be a talk and to selectively withold mention of me putting my 'John Hancock' to the - Acceptance of Service legaleez.

I spent part of the night, after she departed with what she came for and pronounced her Love 4 me walking out the door, slumped on the floor of the room and certainly barely got a wink of sleep. Nighttime prayers were a little heated on this occasion. I am sure he will forgive me as he always does. But will she?????

T - You are a pro. I think this went as well as could be expected considering the circumstances ... speaking of which, they are just circumstances. Looking beyond the circumstances, the details are astounding. The woman who builds walls as tall and long as The Great Wall in China let you in. Made herself vulnerable. She still has plenty of loving feelings. She could hardly resist the urge to call you. Tears!! T, I'm sad for her. Do you feel her pain?

This isn't a woman who really wants to end it. She's consumed with an idea that this is her way to peace and happiness. Great, nasty trick from you-know-who. Time to prove her (and Satan) wrong as the day is long.

You will continue your walk. Growing in Hope, Faith and Love. Becoming a stronger man, a better husband and the best Step Dad & Adoptive Father you can be. It's a new beginning, T. A chance to do it all over again - the right way. So get to work.

This could fall either way. Thanks for your rapid response to my catatonic state right now.

While she surprised me with being fairly transparent with her emotions. She also is an EXTREMELY determined and independent woman with major major trust issues of everyone but mainly men. And she says that trust was decimated by me. And at least 4 now she believes it is beyond restoration.

No Fault Divorce filing on grounds of M irretrievably broken. Without making to much of a stink of it I let her know what I thought of that.

Thanks again for catching me as I fall.

The tears that didn't happen at the motel last night (even after she departed)sure seem ready to flow now.

Here goes another crack at sleeping. Not even with a sledge hammer I think.

Just another person to add to my evergrowing list of people who do not, can not, will not understand me. Nothing sinks me lower than that feeling. I have known this and feared it would happen yet again and yet I got M and never would have dreamed we both didn't believe in real true love & commitment.

I am sure this day will sail right by . . .NOT!!!

Time to go vent @ the Lord.

Good luck getting through the day Tomato. I am thinking about you. I know it is a cheesy saying, but "It ain't over till it's over". There is still time for things to change for the better. And she did say she still loves you...........

Tomato, I think you will feel better after some well needed rest. I know it hurts, but it will pass. Thinking of you.

Thx to all you well wishers . .BobbiJo, Faithful, IWanna, Blindsided1, Where2 & RTL(who's feeling like me:(

As is always the case I saunter back to this BB and make believe like I have a life.

Not that I will be asking her this anytime soon (or maybe never) but, "If what you are doing is so right, why do you seem to be acting and feeling as though it is very wrong?"

Before I tried to lay down on the bed last night, I went back to putting pen to paper with some poetry. I still have the romantic side of me working even in the aftermath of that encounter. More than likely that will take the place of sleep for the foreseeable future.

God's keeping me around for something. There is a shred of happiness.

Before she departed last night she came right up along side of me when I was laying up on the bed and refuted that I am a committed S to the M saying "if you are so committed, then where did the commitment go when you did your online Yahoo personals perusing for six months in '06", "the amount of pain you caused me resulting fm the discovery of your ad totally destroyed my trust in you and I should never have come back after the pain you put me through".

Then she proceeded to venture further into her bag of tricks and try to give me her wedding ring set back, suggesting that once I got settled down in my new life I could find someone to wear it. SHe just doesn't get it. The only madeover "new" life I would go for could only be with her and I told her so. So then she said that I should hock the stone for some $ at least. And I told her it was expressly meant for her and will always remain hers. And after she asked if she left it with me would I just throw it away, I said yes . So she took it along with her and headed for the door making sure to clearly say I love you in her distraught, emotional state.

I don't know how to handle this or what to do or anything.

God please hear my petitions and help me.

I am sorry to hear you had to have this conversation Tomato. I'm not the best DBer but I think you handled it well.. although your heart must have been aching.

Your W just sounds sooo confused.. I guess it's just proof that you can't believe 100% of what they're saying.

Hang in there. You've got a lot of fight left in you I'm sure!

W2G

And about the poetry... I wish my guy was in to writing poetry.. very romantic quality in a man!

Where2

Thanks a bunch. I am probably not the best DBer either, though I have only been at it a short time and I am just getting started.

One thing I made sure of last night (not that I am the best judge)was that I never let a smile depart from my face. Because I wanted to let her know how much she lights me up. And I did a fair amount of validating her verbally and probably more so with body language and moving myself relatively close to her while she talked (which she did 99% of). I was able to adhere very closely to the brief plan of conduct I had, and for that I am proud.

Defensiveness has always been a major stumbling block of mine to overcome. And for myself I think I did great on avoiding that, something she would probably attest to.

One of the wierdest moments and funny just the same, came when we first entered the motel rm. There was an awkward silence which was kinda to be expected as we were suddenly in an enclosed space, and one where we had on numerous occasions used a bedroom for the best thing you can use one for . .ML. It just so happened while we were standing just inside the door the first thing she says is "you were just staring @ my boobs, weren't you". And while I wasn't staring at them perse, her chest is the size of Mt Rushmore. So, we both got a chuckle out of that moment. And then she went on to further keep the focus on her mammaries by asking me if in my looking I happening to notice an extra lift to them. She quizzed me on whether I could guess what the sizzing of this new brassiere was. Rushmore doesn't have much on a pair of 44H's.

And that's my story for now. That is a pleasant thought to end it on.

Lord thanks for breasts. They are splendid things. LOL.

Hi tomato. Just catching up... took a bit of a break.

Just keep hanging in there. She is as confused as you are in all of this, even if she won't admit it. Now that you are really working on communicating better and controlling your defensiveness, she's probably doing a lot of thinking...

Just be patient with W, the process and most of all God. He's got his own timline... $\:\)$

ann

uncomfortably numb!

FaithfulH,

Thank you for your encouragement. I would like to know more of your story. If you feel like sharing it with me, you can e-mail me at regwinn@msn.com.

I have some specific questions for you because I'm going to attempt to duplicate your feat.

RTL

Tomato, my friend. I have to apologize for leaving your thread for a couple of days, but I know you understand.

In any event, I'm very proud to hear your DBing with your attitude worked very well. Keep it going and come here to vent, talk, cry, scream, and question. We'll give you something to chew on, regardless of whether it is sound or not. $\:\)$

I'm getting ready to head out the door to meet with a lawyer. Well, I guess I'm really interviewing him 1st, then deciding what to do next.

I'll check back with you buddy.

RTL

Alright RTL thanks.

I am really struggling.

I'll talk 2 U later. Good night & God bless.

Originally Posted By: blindsided1

Tomato, I think you will feel better after some well needed rest. I know it hurts, but it will pass. Thinking of you.

Thanks for this Blinsided1, trouble is I don't know that for the next long while I will be able to get rest. I just don't see that happening. Guess I will have to go back to taking some melatonin to help me knock off.

Originally Posted By: FaithfulH

I am a friend of I_Wanna_Make_It_Work....and he mentioned that you might join our monthly "Men Standing" dinner in Nyack.

I am anxiously waiting to hear fm either you Faithful or I Wanna as I am stoked to be invited to your gathering. Please let me know when and where so I can be sure to make it and meet you guys.

I guess I will ammend my sig line to include PM to reach me at.

Faithful & I Wanna,

When you know the details on next 'Men Standing . .' event plz send to me - skyjockey70@yahoo.com. Thx.

I had worked my way through providing some history of mine & W's storied M. I had gotten as far as the premiere incident of my W becoming a WAW back in May '06. AKA - my birthday surprise!

Resuming the journey:

Her Dear john letter was left 4 me to digest(on my b-day) and very little of anything else in the house save for the dog, tv & inflatable air mattress for my sleeping pleasure. At this point she was still in the process of finishing her finals to get her degree so she went to stay @ her mom's (who she avoids like the plague)about an hour away.

Her next stop was to migrate back toward the Philly suburbs region to, where we first met, so that she could be right around the corner from her D. So she found a room for rent in newspaper and temporarily settled there. She was living carefree with no job and therefore had tons of time to work on her. She made some noticable changes. She even did some motivational/self help reading. Reading anything is extremely atypical for her. She had some renewed vitality with these efforts she was making. She started eating far more healthy and got a YMCA membership. So the gym and the salad bar became routine for her and she took off some much needed weight. Obviously she started feeling real good about herself, and this also is a pretty big shift fm her usual very low self-esteem. The time apart following this Separation was fairly short-lived (less than 2 mo). By July '06 we were searching for a place together and temporarily living out of a motel room.

It was during this time that the two of us took a giant and perhaps ill-advised leap into the life of the girl I refer to as my D (for no good reason). The first 'home visit' with this child actually (I am embarrassed to say)took place when we didn't even have a home. We hosted her for a weekend and just stayed at a hotel and told her that it was much closer to the amusement park we were heading to.

By late August I found what seemd lie and ideal place for us to call home for a little bit. My intention was for this to be the last place we would rent before hitting the housing market to purchase our first home once we set some $ aside.

The best laid plans of mice and men . . .

W begrudgingly took a job out of her criminal justice field and worked FT as a Cosmetics Counter Mgr @Macy's Dept store. As was the pattern withmore jobs of hers than I can remember, it was a roller coaster as to whether she liked the job or hated the job. One thing was for sure, she was perfectly suited for sales work and she was turning record #'s and receiving all sorts of attn and accolades for her productivity. She remained there for about 6 months and then decided that she needed to put it in high gear to get a much better paying job with the state and in her field.

Here is where the Sh*^% hit the fan and I thought that I had blown my marriage to smithereens.

TO B CONT'D

I am getting ready to shoot out the door for the friendly sky's, actually they appear a little less than friendly tonight with some small thunderstorms lingering around my route of flight. It is a fine way to make a living . .& somebody's got to get the freight to it's destination.

In another couple of hour when I hope to be on the ground safely, the beginning of what figures to be a night from hell will start 4 me. I do not know how I wil l get through just this one night without breaking down in pieces. I have never wanted something more in my entire life then to have my darling W with me.

Oh well time to go let the plane do the work!

Lord have mercy on me amd my W and all fighting for there M's!