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Walk Away Wife - My SitchEach Day is New...Takin them as they come... The Beatles... Seems like you can always find one of their songs that will fit...
The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
lead me to your door.
The wild and windy night
That a rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears
Crying for the day.
Why leave me standing here?
Let me know the way.
Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried,
Anyway you've never known
The many ways I've tried.
But still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don't keep me waiting here
Lead me to your door.
But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago (ohhh)
Don't leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door.
I let my dogs sleep with me last night since I knew that waking up this morning was going to suck. It still sucked, but they didn't let me lay there and wallow in misery. I gave them their Christmas presents and they were really happy, so that brightened my morning up some. Then I took off for my parents house.
It seemed strange being at my parents without W. Everyone seemed a little sad, or maybe that was just me projecting my emotions onto everyone else. Also, family picture time was not something I wanted to participate in this year. I don't really want a reminder of the Christmas where my W and I are separated. Other than that it was actually a pretty good day.
I called my W when I was on my way home like I told her that I would. She was sleeping and was feeling sick, but she still said that I could stop by. When I got there she didn't look so good. I got a hug though. We talked for a while about family stuff and what we got for Christmas. I stayed for almost two hours. It seemed like she didn't really want me to leave, but I had to because of the dogs. I got a couple more hugs and a kiss or two. I know this is against DB, but I had to try for a little Christmas miracle. I told her ILY as I was saying goodbye and I got and ILY2 right back. Not quick enough like it was just a reaction. I think that she meant it. I tried to get her to commit to doing something later this week, but since she was feeling sick I didn't really push. We'll see if anything comes of it.
While I was at her place her dad called me to thank me for the gift cards that I got them. We ended up talking for a bit and it was really nice. I called it right when I said that he was uncomfortable because of my parents when I saw him at the Christmas play. He apologized for not talking to me more. I told him that I understood. Right after I hung up with him he called my W. He didn't know that I was at her apartment. When she told him that I was there he asked if we would come over to their house.
Her parents must still like me and miss me. That feels good.
One more thing. W wanted to call my parents to thank them for the gifts that they got her. She was scared that they would be mad at her and yell at her on the phone. I assured her that they would be nice, so she called. They had a short but pleasant conversation. I think this was a positive accomplishment in my situation.
So overall, Christmas was pretty good, all things considered. It obviously could have been better, but I know that it could have been a whole lot worse.
Peace,
B
B...glad your day was ok. Yeah it could have been a lot better I'm sure. If Santa had answered all of our DB'ing prayers and brought our S's back (wrapped with a bow under the tree!) we'd all be a whole lot happier. But instead we have to look for the small wins and celebrate our blessings.
"The Long and Winding Road"....that it is. Hopefully next year well be looking back at this Christmas as a bump in that road.
J~
Good song B. I'm glad you talked to your ILs. M FIL called me earlier in the week to make sure I would be at the family's Christmas. He told me there aren't many people he likes but he likes me. I actually thought he would be taking sides w/ H because he did that once before we were married. He only knew his side and believed it all. I guess after the time and love we have invested, our ILs realize that we deserve their love and support.
My H was sick too. I have read that on many of threads. I think the stress of Christmas is harder on the WAS than it is on us. Probably much harder than they expected too.
Well today ended up being better than I expected. W called me a few times while I was out working on my car. She was in the area and wanted to meet for lunch. She had a doctors appointment since she is sick. So I accepted and we met at for soup and sandwiches. I paid for it and she seems appreciative. Afterwards, she had some time to kill so she asked me if I wanted to go to an antique store. I of course accepted. We had a good time and it was nice. She called me later but I was in a movie. She called to update me on how her doctor's appointment went. I called back later and we chatted for a bit.
One source of confusion is that she keeps asking me about New Years Eve. She's asked me a couple times if I have plans and what I'm doing. I told her that I would like to do something with her if she was up for it. But she just says that she doesn't know what she wants to do and then mentions doing something with a couple different friends of hers. I don't expect that we'll end up together that night, but I would be open to it if she ever decides. We'll see though.
I don't know what my next move should be. I'm thinking that I might call her tomorrow or Friday to see how she's feeling. I would love to ask her to do something again, but I don't want to push her either. Maybe I should just sit tight and wait for her to come to me? Any thoughts?
Peace,
B
I dont know all the details of your sitch but sitting tight & waiting is allways a safe bet,also my coach told me it can be a good idea to get a SMALL gift for someone when they dont feel well, its thoughtful without seeming needy. est of luck 2 you
Well I ended up calling her Friday to see how she was doing. She had a friend over so we didn't talk long. I did take a chance and asked her to hang out on Saturday. I had some things to return at the mall and I offered to take her to dinner. She said that she might be busy with a couple other things but that she would let me know later. She called back Saturday morning still not knowing what she wanted to do. Then she called me back an hour later wanting to go.
She asked if we could go to a few thrift stores too so we ended up spending quite a bit of time together. No complaints here.
She felt bad that she didn't get me much for Christmas, so she bought me a sweater that I liked while we were at the mall. Dinner was good and we had fun hanging out. She told me several times that she had fun.
She came in for a few minutes when we got back to the house. She wanted to see the dogs. We both petted them for a while and the one dog who is really sensitive was acting a little weird towards her. She got upset because he was always her favorite. This started off a bit of a chain reaction. She said that she had been missing us a lot lately and I said that we missed her too. I told her that she is always welcome here. She seemed pretty down and was saying that she wasn't a good person. I assured her that I thought that she was and that I understood what she was going through. I told her that I loved her and got and ILY2 in return.
She left soon afterward.
I was really happy at the way that the day had went. We spent over 6 hours together which is the most continuous time we've had yet. I was feeling great and dancing around with the dogs when she called about 10 minutes after she left. I answered with a "Hey" and the first thing that she said was "I Love You.". YEA!!! That was pretty much the only thing she was calling about. It's made the past couple days great. There's still a long road to travel but I feel like there is some progress.
We talked a little on and off yesterday. I asked her if I could stop by her place today (New Years Eve) on my way to my friends house. We agreed that I would give her a call first since neither one of us knew when we were doing things. We'll see how it goes.
I hope that this is a sign that 2008 is going to be a better year.
Wow B, that is so GREAT! I am so happy for you. Wish my sitch was getting better, it just seems to be getting worse. You still inspire me. Congrats!
Great news B!!
I'm so happy for you.
Happy New Year...and yes...it is going to be great!
J~
B,
Awesome news buddy. It's sounds like you'll have a good start to 2008. Keep up the good work.
I thought that I had better post an update as to how New Years Eve went. It may be easier to see the events as a time line...
2:00 PM - Called W but didn't leave a message.
3:30 PM - Called W again and she answered this time. Said that she didn't see that I had called earlier. I called to see if I could stop over to her place on my way up to my friends house. She said sure, but she didn't know if she would be there. She was still trying to figure her night out. Her friend that's a single mom who she wanted to hang out with told her that she might be busy and shouldn't plan on hanging out with her. So she had some other friends ask her to go to a concert. The time of the show and when they were going to pick her up was still in the air at this point. She said that she would call me and let me know when she knew what was going on.
5:20 PM - I was going to be leaving in a few minutes and I still hadn't heard from her, so I called. She was all frazzled because she still didn't know what was going on. She was really short with me and said that if I was coming that I had better leave now and that she would probably only have a couple minutes. At this point I almost said forget it, I don't even want to see you if you're like this. But I got my stuff together and left.
6:00 PM - Got to her place and she was in a much better mood. She was also cooking dinner which I found strange since she was supposed to be leaving in a couple minutes. It turned out that since no one could give her a straight answer as to when they were leaving she told them that she wasn't going to go. She then said that she was going to a house party with her brother and his girlfriend. I ended up hanging out at her place for over an hour. I had brought some wine, so we each had a glass of that. We talked for a while and then I was going to leave. I couldn't help it, but I was a bit down and she could sense it. This led into her saying that I deserved to be with someone that would be with me on New Years Eve. I told her that it didn't matter what she thought that I deserved and that it was her that I wanted and love. I had to hold back a few tears. I left on a somewhat positive note with her saying that she would be thinking of me at 12:01. I told her that I would call her if I had cell reception where I was going.
7:45 PM - 12:45 AM - I went to my parents house for a few minutes and picked up my brother. We then went to my friends house and had fun being dorks. At 12:30 someone asked what the buzzing noise was so I checked my phone that I left in my coat pocket. W was calling me to wish me a happy new year.
Her message said that she was back home already and to call if I wanted. We took off soon afterwards and I dropped my brother back off.
12:45 AM - I returned call to W. She told me that she ended up hanging out with her single mom friend and that she didn't get there until 11 PM. She had just hung out at home and cleaned until she went to her friends house. I found this pretty strange since she hasn't been one to turn down a party. I was happy about it though. She hinted around at where I was and if I was in a hurry to get home. I told her that I was on the road and that I had time to kill if I wanted. She then invited me over!
1:00 AM - 3:30 AM - We hung out on her couch and watched a movie. She kept falling asleep but I didn't mind. She had her legs stretched across me and I gave her a little foot rub. It was a really nice time for me and seemed like she was really relaxed too. Nothing major, but I love when we have time like this. She thanked me a couple times for coming over. A kiss and a hug before I left... I love her.
Sorry that this is so long, but I wanted to get it all written down so that I don't forget it. I felt that it was all a positive night. She called me around noon the next day to make sure that I made it home ok the night before. It's nice to know that she cares about me.
B, I am so happy for you. Keep up the good work. Thanks for being here!
B,
Sounds like it ended up being a Happy New Year. You're giving me hope. Thanks,
Thanks. It sure seems positive. I'm hesitant to invest too much emotionally in it right now though. Definitely have to take it slow even though part of me wants to jump in with both feet. I have to make sure that I keep some slack in the rope since I don't want her to retreat again. I just keep taking it day to day...
It sounds like the right approach. She actually seems to be pulling you closer. Keep doing what you are doing.
Well it's been a quiet couple days. I haven't actually talked to her at all. She'll log into IM for a little bit and talk to me and then she logs back out. I don't know what to make of it all.
I'm not going to contact her this weekend until maybe Sunday night. We'll see. I'd love to see her again this weekend, but I don't want to push it. There's a band playing that she likes next weekend, so maybe I'll see if she wants to go see them.
Why couldn't I just be in a normal relationship? But what's normal anyways I guess?
I hope you all have a good weekend.
B
Isn't that what they kinda do? From what I have read on the boards, they get close and then they pull away a little. You seem to have a grip on letting it slide off of your back. Thanks for checking in on me often. I appreciate all the feedback. I too am worrying about how this weekend is going to go. I'm just trying to remain calm and GAL.
You're right in that it's pretty much par for the course. It's a real struggle to truly let it slide off my back some days. I guess that's when I need to fake it until I make it.
No problem on the checking in on you. It's nice to know that it's appreciated. I wonder sometimes.
Love ya, B - I know I have appreciated all of your input.
Hope all is well.
Nothing new in my sitch - still no word from him. I'm finding it hard not to call, at least to let him know that I'm not really avoiding the discussion (yes I am), I've just been really busy (sort of). Anyway, I'll check in later. Have a good evening, any plans?
Everythings going pretty good. It could be better as I'm sure you well know. I just got back from taking the dogs for a walk with my neighbors and then we're going to out to dinner. It sure is cold out here... Tomorrow I'm going to the International Motorcycle Show, so that should be pretty cool.
Be sure to resist the temptation to call. I know it's hard, but I don't think that it would help you. Be sure to keep me updated if anything happens though.
Peace,
B
I am not going to call, I promise! I actually "hid" my phone so it's not anywhere in sight. I will definitely keep you posted though. Thanks for everything B it really means a lot to me right now (and of course always). Enjoy dinner!
Everythings going pretty good. It could be better as I'm sure you well know. I just got back from taking the dogs for a walk with my neighbors and then we're going to out to dinner.
You went to dinner with W - Hope that went better than my night with W. LOL
Umm... I must have not written that quite right. I went to dinner with my neighbors. Ended up drinking a little too much and didn't get home until 1 in the morning. Oops...
W called but didn't leave a message and since I was out having a good time I didn't call her back. I probably won't call her back until tonight since I'll be with my Dad and Brother all day. I guess if it was anything important she would have left a message. I hope that I didn't miss out on anything though. I can't be at her beckon call either since I have to GAL.
Peace,
B
Hey B....just checking in to see how things are going.
Hope all is well.
J~
Hey B....just checking in to see how things are going.
Hope all is well.
J~
First off, Thanks for checking in Jenny.
Things had been going pretty well. We have been talking on the phone and over IM most of the week. We were planning on getting together last night, but W wasn't feeling all that great so we put it off until tonight. I decided to call her last night to see how she was feeling. She said that she was feeling better and then told me about her night. She went to her parents house for dinner and then stopped at the local bar to say Hi to a friend. Then she told me that she saw OM down there too and that she gave him a hug. This caused me to have a HUGE backslide. I didn't say anything at first, but before we hung up I said "It sound like you didn't spend much time at home for being sick." or something like that. It came out very judgmental and I regretted it after I said it. Well, that led to the following IM conversation this morning.
W: you really made me mad last night
B: I realize that and I'm very sorry.
I wanted to call back and apologize
W: it's too late. that is exactly the kind of s### that made me want to leave... all that kind of garbage piling up
B: I know
W: it's ridiculous and i'm done listening to it
B: I can't tell you how much I regret it.
W: yeah well... i'm tired of sorry's
actions speak louder than words and your actions are pretty f###### loud sometimes
B: I don't know what to say. I made a mistake and I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth. Truly, I only want my actions to convey my love for you, but obviously I'm not very good at that.
W: no you suck at it.
love shouldn't hurt
B: I know.
W: your love for me hurts
B: I don't mean for it to
W: i just want to be left alone
B: ok
I will respect that
I never meant to hurt you.
W: i know you didn't and that's just the thing
B: I got upset about something and I took it out on you. I'm really sorry
You really are a wonderful person and only deserve the best in life. You do not deserve to be treated like that by anyone especially by someone who says that they love you.
W: this type of situation only makes me feel like i made the right decision leaving.... as harsh as it is to say. People are fragile and you, just like all the other men I know are on one agenda.... your own and I'm [censored] sick of it.... and I'm through with dealing with it. I am not your GD puppet and you aren't going to manipulate me anymore. I did nothing wrong last night. And whatever I do is none of your business anyway. You should feel grateful I even tell you anything. Most smart women would keep their mouths shut.
B: I'm not trying to manipulate you in anyway, but I can see where you might think that I am. I am very grateful that you talk to me and I know that none of what you do is my business. Treating you like I have is the biggest mistake of my life and I will regret it always. It's not just something that I'm saying either. It keeps me up at night. I don't want to treat you like that. I want to show you the respect that you deserve. I don't know what happened last night. It was a moment of weakness and I fear that I will regret it for the rest of my life.
W: Don't let it keep you up at night but stay aware. We all have moments of weakness. I'm just done putting up with it.... I've been weak too but not anymore. If you really regret it, change it. It's that simple.
B: I've been trying really hard to change. I really have. I don't want to be the person that I was anymore.
W: i know.
I had to get away from it all for a few minutes, so I went for a walk around the block. When I came back she was still logged in and started talking to me again. This time it was all just friendly stuff about what she had found at a thrift store and what not. Then she came back with the following:
W: i wish things with us could be easier
B: I know, me too.
W: i believe you are a good person
i want you to know that
B: thank you. I know that you are too.
W: you piss me off but i think you have good intentions when you want too
i want you to know that i am doing well
B: I'm happy for you.
W: even though i am struggling with many things, i feel like i am doing really good.
B: That's good.
W: i know it must be hard for you too hear
B: I just want you to be happy.
W: i know you do.... and i feel happy
-----------------------------------------
I'm sorry that this is so long, but this has been a bad morning for me and would like some input.
Ok, I must have done something right in all of that since she just asked me to meet her for lunch...
So confusing life it is...
W: Don't let it keep you up at night but stay aware. We all have moments of weakness. I'm just done putting up with it.... I've been weak too but not anymore. If you really regret it, change it. It's that simple.
Sounds to me like she's saying that you screwed up, but she knows you can do better. Time to put all of that behind you and get on with the rest of your day. I've learned that sarcasm doesn't work too well with our W's - They're still very sensitive, so I would avoid it, even if they seem relaxed and happy.
If she asked you to lunch, that's good - At least she wants to hang out with you. She's probably trying to figure out if she can feel comfortable with you again. Take it slow and don't expect to be where you were a few days ago overnight.
The lunch thing really surprised me. I'm backing way off and will let her initiate contact for a while. I need to learn to curb my sarcasm. I think that I'm getting too good at it and some people just don't get it. I'll make that one of my personal improvement goals.
Thanks for the input!
B
Hey B, sorry about your slip, but it sounds like good things cam eof it though. I hope your lunch goes well. Good Luck! Let us know what happens
Toni
B...don't be too hard on yourself.
I get reall frustrated with things like this. I mean look at the position oue WASs put us in and we have to act perfect all the time?? Don't negate your own feelings either, you're entitled to them...even if you should have zipped you mouth about it.
I did something similar recently and H pointed out how "it was just like our whole R". I felt bad that I did it, but I also felt like screaming, "well if you'd given me a chance I may have been able to change to save our M...but you ran away and say it's over so WTF is the point now? Is it fair for him to call me out on things that he says won't make a difference now anyway??
You have been doing extremely well, one little slip up shouldn't make our break anything. If you reconcile will she expect perfection?? I hope not!
Anyway, I got a little defensive for you there...sorry about the rant!
Having said all that, we know these changes are for ourselves first and foremost and at least she knows you have been changing. Look at this is a good chance to talk about the R...you got some insight about her feelings which isn't a bad thing.
Good luck at lunch!
J~
Sounds like you handled it really well, letting her vent without getting defensive - you 'talked her down' from quite an angry place.
Mistakes can be an opportunity to prove that you have changed - do you think you handled the incident differently than you would have in the past?
Thanks for the rant Jenny! It made me smile.
I know exactly how you feel.
Ingrid, Thanks for thinking that I handled it well. I was just flying by the seat of my pants. I thought for sure that she was going to tell me that she wanted a D over IM. That would have sucked...
I do think that I handled it differently this morning than I would have in the past. I used to try and make excuses and reason my way out of things like this. I was tempted to again today, but I realized that it would completely invalidate her feelings. I don't want to disrespect her or her feelings so my only option left was to validate what she was saying and admit that I made a mistake and I was wrong.
--
Lunch was really good. When I got there she had already ordered and bought my lunch for me. That was a huge surprise. We didn't talk much at first, but we were both really hungry and were stuffing our faces. When we did get around to talking, there was no R talk. Nothing was said about last night or this morning. I wanted to apologize again, but I didn't want to bring it up again either. I think that I made a good choice with not bringing it up. After lunch we walked out to our cars together and she gave me a hug. I had brought a couple things of hers that she had asked for and along with them I gave her a cool incense burner that I had made for her a couple days ago. She really liked it and gave me a kiss!
We parted ways just after that as I was late for getting back to work. I think that lunch was good though. Maybe last night didn't set me back as far as I had feared. I'm still going to take it slow though.
Peace,
B
We parted ways just after that as I was late for getting back to work. I think that lunch was good though. Maybe last night didn't set me back as far as I had feared. I'm still going to take it slow though.
Great! Sounds like lunch went well for both of you. I think backslides are part of life, but you did well to work around it and pick yourself back up.
I am soooo happy for you B - it sounds wonderful. I wish my H and I could get together for a meal or a drink or something, but I agreed to LRT until I turn blue. Again that's great, congrats on a great day.
Yeah, lunch was pretty good. We IM'd again for a while in the afternoon. She told me that she was glad that I could make it to lunch. No contact from her last night, but I didn't expect there to be either. I'm going to back off for a little while and let her come to me. Drop the rope and all that...
GG - I did LRT for around a month or so. I initiated absolutely no contact but she did usually call me once a week for a 10 minute conversation. I ended up breaking it and calling her around her birthday. This opened the line of communication back up, but I think that she was ready for it at that point too. LRT wasn't easy, but in some ways it was easier than dealing with the roller coaster ride. Good luck. I know you can do it...
So much for the "I just want to be left alone". She's talking to me on IM again today. I don't think that I'll ever be able to figure her out. It's not that I'm not grateful that she's talking to me, it's just real confusing.
Oh well, I'll take what I can get...
Peace,
B
She made no contact with me Friday or Saturday and I haven't actually heard her voice since Wednesday. I've been doing pretty good at staying busy. Nothing real exciting, but I'm not just sitting around doing nothing either. So I had absolutely no expectation that she would call me this morning, which she did. We chatted for 45 minutes or so and it was good. In the conversation she made allusions towards seeing me today. Even as far as possibly coming to the house. The conversation ended with her saying that she would call later to let me know what was going on.
Well, she didn't end up coming to the house, but we did meet for a late lunch. It was a nice time. She's been pretty upset about some things at work, so I practiced my listening and validation skills. I think that she might have had a nice time as she gave me a hug before we parted company.
The way that she talks about what's going on in life and what her plans for the future hold bring me no hope what so ever. I guess this is where I have to listen to little of what she says and half of what she does. I shouldn't take to heart the things that she talks about doing. Instead I should look at what she does. She called me this morning and then later met me for lunch. Both were positive experiences, so why I am left wanting more?
She loves me.
Yesterday was my FIL birthday, so I decided that I would call him. When I tried though something weird happened with the phone. I know that they just got new service and I wasn't sure if they got a new number so I called W. She didn't answer and in the mean time FIL called back. It was good to talk to him. We talked for 40 minutes or so. Nothing really in particular, just about some common interests and stuff like that. W tried calling me back while I was talking to him.
So, I called her back after I finished with FIL. We didn't talk about anything R-wise. She's been having trouble at work, so I listened to that and validated how she was feeling. She's been super stressed. Even to the point of puking. She claims it's about work, but part of me wonders if she's starting to regret leaving too. We goofed around some too as I had her on speaker phone and let her "talk" to the cat. She also fell asleep while I was talking to her at one point. So we had a good laugh about that. It was about that point that I told her that I should let her go so that she could get some sleep. Ended the convo with good nights.
Well all of ten minutes later she calls me back and asks me what I'm doing. I was reading the paper, so I told her that. Then she tells me that she loves me.
Says that no matter what happens that she loves me and cares about me. She then said something about this all being weird. I think that she meant the separation, but she kept talking, so I couldn't verify for sure what she was talking about. It was a short call. That's all she wanted to tell me and then she was off to bed.
This is the second time that I've gotten a call like this. While I think that it's positive, it also confuses the hell out of me. Why can't she commit to wanting to work on things with me? I'm not asking her to move back in right away. Just try some dating on a regular basis. How do I bring this up though? What should my next move be? Do I keep doing what I'm doing, or do I start to make more regular contact with her? I'm so confused. Any insight would be appreciated.
Hey bhopeful...
When you've brought up working on the R in the past, has it worked?
This might seem like a 2x4, but seriously; what you're doing right now is working. Keep doing what works, don't revert to things that don't. Enjoy what you do get and above all, be PATIENT.
FWIW, I have a similar challenge as you. W shows affection, but claims no emotional attachment at this time. The confusion is hell. I find that focusing on whatever I get that I didn't expect, and working on continuing to better myself (a HUGE undertaking, let me tell you!) is VERY helpful.
Thanks SBD...
I haven't really brought up working on the R in the past. I've let her know that I'm open to it and that she still has a place in my heart and my home. She doesn't ever really say much to that though.
I don't see it as a 2x4, just a much needed reminder. I feel like I've been traveling on the road for a long time, but compared to others I'm still a beginner. Patience is very hard for me. I think that I do alright though.
I am working on myself. A lot and it is a HUGE undertaking. I agree with you there. I need to learn to appreciate the positives and just be happy with those instead of wanting more. Easier said than done. At least for me anyways...
Hey B,
I think this is wonderful news and I'm so happy for you.
It's amazing how much of this journey is our own isn't it?
I'm letting H go so he can figure things out himself (hopefully he can figure out that he needs to come back to his family!).
But I'm really coming to terms with the fact that I need this time to find myself again. I don't think I really realized how lost I was.
Your W is lucky to have you and it sounds to me like she is starting to realize that. Your name could change to bepatient!!
J~
Thanks for the encouragement Jenny. And for thinking that she's lucky to have me. I really hope that she's starting to see that.
I've definitely been using this time to figure out what I'm all about. I'd never lived alone before this, so my life was always defined by either my parents or my wife. I can tell you that I didn't really know who I was. I'd never taken the time to really look at myself. Now that I've taken the time, I don't think that I'm that different. I know that I am more self assured and confident, but I didn't come to any earth shattering conclusions. It's been a hard but good journey for me.
I should change my name since patience is what I struggle with most right now. When I first got on here I chose the name bhopeful since my real name starts with a B and hopefulness was something that I didn't have much of. So, my username was more of a reminder to myself to stay positive than anything else.
Peace,
B
I think bhopeful is great. Better than some of the really sad names we see around here.
I think we could ALL name ourselves many things starting with be...
bpatient
bhappy
bpositive
byourself
....you get the idea!!!
I think you're B'ing incredibly patient and hopeful!
J~
Thanks Jenny!
Well my PMA is dragging today. It's been four months now. I know that's not real long compared to some of you, but it feels pretty long to me. I should just say I'm "sick" today since I'm not getting much of anything done at work right now. It's hard to do anything to boost your PMA when you're stuck at a desk.
Anyways, if I can find someway to get positive throughout the day, then I'll probably try to call her tonight just to see how she's doing. She's been struggling with a lot of things in life right now and I think that I should call to show her that I care...
B,
When I'm at work and starting to feel down, I look through the success stories here. That can help.
I also keep a spreadsheet (I know, it's a little geeky) with pages for my goals, the positives I've seen, and other motivational things I've discovered. I'll review that, especially the goals, when I need to work on my PMA.
Taking a walk sometimes helps - either outside if it's nice, or to the desk of someone who's likely to smile.
This last one may or may not help. I didn't have a picture of US at my desk. I added one of our wedding pictures when things started to get troublesome. It has taken some work, but now I look at it as motivation. I don't want to go back there, but I DO want to be that strong, confident, patient, passionate and slender (LOL) again...
Thanks for the suggestions. I should read a few of the success stories. It's been a while and they usually give me some hope.
I also need to revisit my goals. I set some a while back, but got discouraged when they didn't materialize. Others I have met but never reset new ones. So thanks for the reminder. I need to get on that.
Taking a walk usually helps me. Unfortunately I work at home so it gets pretty lonely here and severely limits the number of people that I can go talk to. I'll probably take a walk outside at lunch though.
I had to hide all of our wedding pictures. Too painful to look at. I do have a picture of her up in my office, but it's behind me so I only look at it when I want to. Maybe I should move it to my desk. Keep your eyes on the prize type of thing...
Advice from those in piecingB...I love this thread! It really helps when I'm down, but mostly reminds me that truly letting go is the only way to potentially get them back.
J~
First off, thanks to Jenny. I usually keep an eye on that thread as I find it helpful too.
At lot happened last night, so I have a feeling that this is going to be long. Apologies and thanks in advance to those who read through it.
Last night I broke my normal routine of having dinner with some friends because I had to run some errands. This is important because if I had not been alone I doubt any of this would have happened. The Divine definitely intervened in order to line up the stars last night. So I found myself wandering around Barnes and Noble after I had finished my errands when I got her call. It started out not much of anything. Just a "whatcha up to" kind of call. Then she got really quiet and started telling me how much she missed me, the dogs, the house and everything. She said that she really missed it all a lot. (Side note, I believe that this is the first time that she's said that she actually missed me. It's usually about how she misses the dogs and maybe an inference towards missing me.) I kind of spoke for the dogs and said that we all missed her too. I wasn't really sure what to say as it took me off guard. I told her that the door was open to her whenever she wanted to see us. Then she said that she was scared that we couldn't ever work it out. She thinks that we're too different of people. I tried to validate and said that I could see where she might think that. I also said that I thought that we could but it takes two people to be committed and that I didn't see our differences as something that hurt our relationship. I didn't see them as an obstacle but more as a blessing. (Now I'm just talking out my a$$ here since I don't know what differences she's talking about. I didn't really get a chance to ask either.) This about all the further that we got with this conversation since I was in B&N and she didn't think that I was in an appropriate place for the conversation. I agreed and said that I would try calling her later. She told me that she might be going out for a friends birthday but if she was available that she would talk. This all occurred around 6:30 or so.
So I continued on with my night. Planning on getting some food at the local pub and then coming home to post all of that here and ask for some advice when I tried calling her back later. Actually, I didn't think that I would talk to her later. I figured that she would be out with her friend so I wasn't really too concerned about it all. So I got to the pub and was eating when I got the second call.
The second call was at around 7:50 and started with another "Whatcha doin now?". I told her where I was and she asked if I was with people. I wasn't, so I let her know. Then she asked if she could come spend the night! This caught me completely off guard. "Umm, yeah, sure" was my response. She said good, I'll meet you at the pub. So this really got me thinking again. I started to worry about how messy the house is and about all of the relationship books that I have laying around. I wanted this to be pressure free, but I was stuck where I was until she got there and then we were going to the house together. This left me with no time to take care of anything. So I resigned myself to the fact that I couldn't do anything about it and I waited for her to show up.
She got to the pub around 8:30 and I bought her a beer and some soup. We hung out there for 45 minutes or so. She kept asking if I was ok with her staying. I just assured her every time that I was good with it. Then we were off to the house.
When we got there she stopped to pet the dogs for a few minutes, so I took the opportunity to at least pick up my books and throw them in my office. I apologized for the house being such a mess, but she didn't mind. We then got talking about a record player that she's really been wanting but that she couldn't afford it until next month. I offered to buy it for her and then she could pay me back later. She jumped on the offer and the store was still open, so off we went to get it. She was super stoked about it. When we got it back home, I already had some records, so we put them on and cracked open a bottle of wine. It was a really nice night. I ended up giving her a back rub since I know that she's been so stressed lately. She complemented me on how I am so good at giving rubs. She fell asleep in my arms for a little bit. It was wonderful. Well the record ended and we were both tired, so we decided it was time for some sleep.
She said that she would sleep in the bed with me but that she didn't think that she could handle it. I offered to take the couch, but she wouldn't let me so she ended up on it. So I gave her a little smooch and said goodnight.
This morning went good as well. I got up with her and made her some tea and a bagel for breakfast. We actually sat at the table together to eat which never used to happen. I complemented her a few times on how nice she looked. She thanked me over and over for letting her stay and said a few times that she hoped that I didn't think that it was weird. I assured her that I didn't think that it was in the least. She said that she wished she could call in sick and hang out here all day.
So there's my story. I feel extremely good about it. I think that I made her feel welcome and comfortable. I hope that this is a step towards the next level of this journey, but if not I'm happy for what it was too. I hope that you all have a beautiful day...
Peace,
B
WOW!
B...this is so exciting. I was tearing up when I was reading it. It sounds like you handled things perfectly. I think she really needed this and you were her safe place to fall.
She thanked me over and over for letting her stay and said a few times that she hoped that I didn't think that it was weird.
I've read in a few sitch's how the WAS's think that the LBS might feel things like this are weird. I think it's intereting because to the LBS it mostly feels normal again...but it shows how 'not themselves' they are at the moment that think it would feel weird.
Good for you B! I'm thrilled for you. Can't wait to read your next post...
J~
Oh, B - you made me cry! I am sooooo happy for you. You have come such a long way. I am waiting for the day when this will happen. I am so proud of you. You are my inspiration, you give me hope! Love ya, keep up the great work!
Toni
Great news bhopeful! Remember, don't push too hard. Sounds like your W is slowly starting to become interested again, but make sure you don't scare her off.
Hopefully she'll want to hang out again soon
Thanks Ladies!
I know that I still have a long way to go and anything can happen, but I can tell you that the sunrise never looked so sweet as it did today...
Thanks Brit. I know that I have to be careful of that.
I'm hoping for that too.
Well I guess she's ready for more of me.
She IM'd me this morning saying that she really liked staying over last night. And then she invited me over for dinner tonight! I didn't even really plan on talking to her today. My plan was to keep up the no pressure thing that I have going right now. But I of course accepted.
We chatted a bit throughout the morning and then while I was taking my lunch she sent the following:
W: It felt good to be back home
Hopefully you aren't weirded out by me saying that
B: No worries. I'm not weirded out in the least...
W: Cool
I'm glad for that
So we'll see how tonight goes. I'm still keeping my expectations very low, but things seem to be progressing in the right direction.
Well last night went good. Nothing R wise was discussed but she did make a few interesting comments.
1. She was talking about how all of her male friends have issues with addiction in one form or another. So I said that I didn't have any and she said "Well you're my husband.". So she still considers me her H, so that's good.
2. She said that she wants to be able to pack up all her stuff in her apartment in two hours time and be out of there. I don't really know what she meant by this other than maybe saying that she isn't tied down to the place?
3. She asked me a whole bunch if I liked the decorations that she added to her place.
4. She asked me a couple times if I thought that something that she put up in her apartment would look good in the house.
5. She made a couple comments trying to get me to stick around a little longer. (Which I did.)
6. She apologized for being so hurtful in the past.
She also asked that I call her when I got home. So I did and I threw an ILY out there and got an ILY2 back.
She IM'd me first thing this morning to ask me to hang out again tonight. Things seem to be moving in the right direction, though she has yet to make a commitment to work on things. I'm basically hanging back and letting her set the pace on things. Things seem hopeful, but I still have to remember to have patience.
Sounds to me like you are at a place we all wish we could be...
6. She apologized for being so hurtful in the past.
amazing. I do not expect this if my WAW were to ever reconsider. GL2U
While I definitely see progress in my situation, I still don't really know where we stand. She hasn't recommitted at all and this is all very recent. So, right now I'm just along for the ride. Only time will tell I guess.
Thanks for the input.
At least you have something going on...I have no idea about me now. WAW said to me the other day, "I don't want you to think you have a chance" and then we proceed to spend 2.5 hours at her place talking about a bunch of stuff. So, I guess I am saying be happy with your progress.
Hi Bhopeful,
I am new here and I've reading your story. I read the last posts of yours again & again(make me feel good too-thanks for that).
I realise you are in need of her recommitting to you and your marriage and she does have to do it, but it sure sounds to me that she is recommitting to you but in a slow and steady pace. You probably need to hear it but I hope you realise how HAPPY and PROUD you should be for all the things you accomplished.
(I do not know if I can give advice, but I would not want to be pushed if I were her with "heavy" discussions yet)
Please let us know what is going on, your story gives me & I am sure a lot of other people inspiration & hopes for a better, struggle-free future.
Take care
Kalni
Me 37
H 37
T 11 year
M 7 years
S 6 years
D 5
Sep 11/17/07
B,
Everything sounds great and you seem to be doing a great job. Patience pays off. I have to keep telling myself that as well.
Hey jmw. That sounds like progress to me. Remember to believe little of what they say and half of what they do. So look to her actions and you'll see that she wanted to spend time with you that day.
So, I guess I am saying be happy with your progress.
You too!
Thanks for posting Kalni. I'm glad that you find inspiration in my story. Things have progressed quite a bit and I'll post about it in a bit.
Peace,
B
Woog, Patience is definitely the key. It's what I struggle with the most right now...
Well I realized that I had posted anything since last Friday. A lot has been happening so I'll try not to let this get too long. I'll start where I left off.
Friday night we went out for dinner and to a record shop. It was a blast hanging out with her. The weather was really bad so she didn't stick around once we got back to the house. She called me a couple times that night though just to talk. Nothing new R wise, but it was a nice night.
Saturday morning she calls and asks what my plans are for the day. I didn't have anything going on until possibly the evening, so I let her know. She said that she was going to come down and wanted to go to an antique store. We only hung out for an hour and a half and then she was ready to go. It seemed strange that she drove all this way for so little time, but I wasn't going to complain since it was a positive time.
Saturday evening I was in a movie with some friends. About 15 minutes into the movie my phone kept vibrating. She called me three times in about 10 minutes, so I went out to the hallway and called her back. She wanted to come down and spend the night again! So I told her that the door was unlocked and that I would be home after the movie. (Which was hard since I wanted to go home right then, but I knew that I shouldn't since it would be pretty needy.) So I finished the movie and gave her a call. She was already at the house and was looking for something to eat. I told her that I would order a pizza once I got home.
The night went really well although she was very sleepy. She said that she doesn't sleep much at her place. I told her that she was welcome at the house anytime. We pretty much spent the whole night on the couch. It was nice.
She slept on the couch again, so I got her some blankets and tucked her in.
Sunday morning we got up around the same time and I made some breakfast for the both of us. We hung out and watched TV for a while and then she wanted to get into some R talk. She told me what she needed out of a relationship. She said that she felt like she got a lot of what she needed, but that something was missing. She needs me to be more spontaneous and adventurous. I told her that I let my worries cripple me in the past and I gave her some examples of how I working to change that. Some of the stuff was hard to hear as we talked about the time when our R was falling apart. We both took responsibility for our actions and apologized. I cried. I know that I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it. I didn't realize how much I had bottled up inside. We ended up talking for two hours. It was hard, but in order to move forward you have to deal with the hard issues. While she didn't directly come out and say "I want to work on the M", she did make some comments that alluded to it. Such as "If we're going to work on things than we need to be together more." and "I miss this kind of thing." (In reference to hanging out on the couch and talking and stuff like that.) She also talked about making some changes to the house and one other thing that I can't recall right now. She left in the early afternoon as she had someone stopping by her place later that day.
Sunday night I called her to tell her that I had a really nice weekend and that I hoped that she did too. We ended up talking for an hour or so, so I guess that the R talk was good and didn't scare her away again.
Monday we IM'd throughout the day about nothing in particular. We did make plans to hang out this coming Friday night. And she actually contact some of our married friends to see if they wanted to meet us for dinner that night too. This seemed like a big deal to me as she's generally has talked to any of our married friends since this started. This particular couple has wanted all of us to get together for dinner since last November. So I see it as a big change that W would take the initiative and ask them out. It also seems like we're a couple again in a way.
Monday night she called in the late evening and talked for a while. She said that she was going to invite me up but that she would feel too bad if I drove up because of the weather. So we ended up talking for an hour.
Tuesday her work was closed because of the weather. We talked throughout the morning on the phone. Just little conversations here and there. Nothing big. Then she called just before lunch and asked if she could stop over (I work from home, so I'm here all day). Ok, sure. It turns out that she had to head into the office so she was coming at least half of the way here. It seemed strange, but I'm not going to turn her away. She stuck around for a half hour and I made her some lunch. As she was leaving I suggested that I could come up that night as she had wanted me too the previous night. She said that she wasn't sure, but that she would let me know.
Tuesday evening rolls around and I hadn't heard from her yet, so I called her and asked what her thoughts were on the night. She said that I could come up and I offered to pick up some dinner and some movies. She ended up laying with her head in my lap for a while which was great. My LL is definitely physical touch, so even the smallest contact from her makes my heart sing.
The night went well and I didn't get home until 1am.
So, I've seen her 6 out of the last 7 days. We've been talking a whole bunch. She doesn't seem to be getting scared off anymore either. I hope that things keep going this well. I still have to have patience as I just want to tell her to come home. Thanks to all who have been following my story.
Peace,
B
B...This all sounds really great.
She is being cautious, but sending you all the signals. When is her lease up? I can't remember if it is the end of Jan or Feb.
All I was thinking as I was reading this was if you've read the 5 Love Languages...then you referred to your LL, so you're way ahead of me!
Do you know her LL?
J~
Her lease is a month to month thing. She just needs to let her land lady know a month before she leaves. It is a summer cottage though, so after May they start charging by the week. She'll have to find something else by then. Hopefully that will be back with me.
I'm pretty sure that her LL is Words of Affirmation but it could be Quality Time too. I try to do both just so that I'm covered.
Thanks for checking in. I need to catch up on your thread. I was away from the boards for a few days and so much changes...
B
Sounds like things are really going well for you both - Spending a lot of time together is great, but make sure you don't fall back into bad habits like I am doing with my W
Dear BHopeful,
I found your thread b/c Kalni posted on it and she's been posting on mine. When I saw how many wonderful things have been happening in your situation I went back to the beginning and read through all your story. Did you know that you have a heart of gold?
It was amazing to see how you have been taking care of yourself and Db'ing so well. WOW!! I am so inspired by you. You make me hopeful too! It is really uplifting to see all the positive things you've done for yourself in your life and how that has opened up space for new things in your R! I am very eager to see what happens next.
I loved reading your story all in one night and being able to see how you went from being in a very hard place when you first started posting to a place where your W is telling you that she loves you and initiating all of these hang-outs with you....!!
((HUGS))
Transformer
You should B very Hopefull my friend...
As the book says get your goals revised (if you had any in the beginning, I can't recall) because you had so much progress so far.
Sometimes I tell myself I am lucky beacuse I know how this crisis is going to end (in my case) and all I have to do is get through this hurtfull situation. On the hand, he is in a better state right now, doing what he thought he wanted, but he has no clue how it is going to end, and that should make him really worried and upset... I definitely have the advantage here, right? How does that sound everybody? Try it, it helps...
Kalni
PS Another 7 year marriage, hmmm...
Transformer,
Thank you for the wonderful post. It made me cry a little. (Good tears though.) I don't think that I have a heart of gold, but thank you for saying that. It means a lot to me to have you say that.
I can't believe that you read my whole story in a single night! I don't think that I could even do that and it's my story.
Your post is a great pick-me-up for when I'm feeling down. I've bookmarked it so I can reread it when things don't feel like they're going right.
Peace,
B
Hi Kalni,
As positive and hopeful that my situation seems at times, I don't know how it's going to end. I of course want reconciliation, but she has yet to really commit to anything. After all of the contact a week or so ago, she's backed off some. You never can tell what's going to happen next.
We did end up hanging out Friday night for a while. She was really down at first. I tried to keep my PMA up and it eventually brought her around. I did slip a few times though when she would talk about doing things without me. That kind of talk always gets me down. Unfortunately she noticed and called me out on it, so I had to fake it until I made it back to my PMA. The night ended on a good note. I've talked to her both yesterday and today too. She was going to stop by today, but I was gone GALing (snowboarding). So we'll see what this coming week brings.
Thanks for your thoughts,
B
PS, It's called the Seven Year Itch...
Aargh...
Today is one of those days...
Didn't get enough sleep and then had an hour and a half drive to work when what I really want to do is sit on the couch, stuff my face with junk food and feel sorry for myself all day...
But that would accomplish nothing. So I find myself here at work, not really working but instead dreaming about what it would be like to not wake up alone tomorrow or go home to an empty house tonight...
Maybe someday, but for now I'll have to resign myself to the reality that I am currently living in. I do know that my dogs will be happy to see me when I get home though. That makes is a little easier...
Sorry about the downer post, but getting it off my chest usually helps boost my attitude...
We all have "these" days...
Keep posting!!
Kalni
BHopeful,
Oh my gosh!! Your reply to my post totally made me smile. Yay for good tears! I can't believe you bookmarked it, I feel so special!! You have really lifted me up, so if I can lift you in any way, that is an honor & a privilege!
Yes, I read it all in a single night! When I read it in such a short time, it was easier to see the positive trends. I think when we're in the middle of it, each bump feels like a mountain, but when I had the backwards-looking luxury of perspective, I could see bumps for what they were... just bumps! They kind of makes your butt sore, but we survive, right? And we get further down the road towards our goal!
From my P.O.V, your situation looks so good-- you are totally on the right track. Taking things slowly, doing all the right things, and really growing inside, experiencing the inner transformation that is the most powerful of all. And your motivations are so pure, it comes out so clearly in your voice and your story. That is very beautiful! And best of all, your wife is moving towards you. She is opening up to spending time with you and sharing experiences with you and even opening up her heart to you about her feelings. Wow!! Even though the back and forth hurts... you hve come so far. Plus, your wife is very lucky to have you in her life, even if she doesn't act like it all the time. And we are lucky to share your journey on the board!
I am sorry to hear that you are having a not-so-good day. But I actually laughed about the part about staying home and sitting on the couch and stuffing your face with junk food! I think if we can see those urges, we can laugh at them, and they gradually change. And I'm so glad that you have your dogs... I loved reading about how you talk to them and how they have supported you. I think animals actually have really deep intuition about this stuff and when we need to be loved and comforted because we are hurting or broken-feeling. Maybe it sounds weird to say, but sometimes it seems they have better intuition than our own fellow humans!
I was wondering, if I didn't ask before-- what are your goals right now for the R? Could you post them so we could cheer you on as you get closer to them? I know it is still frustrating, b/c the Ultimate Goal of Total and Complete Restoration-Recommitment-Renewal-Reconciliation is not yet reached. I wonder because from my POV you've come so far, so I wonder what your goals were at the beginning, and what they are now? You must have revised them?
Well, a virtual hug for you. I am definitely following your story now!
((HUGS))
Transformer
B,
I'm having one of those days today. Except I want a pizza and a six pack of beer.
I need to get a dog.
I hope your day got better. It continues to sound like your situation is progressing the right direction.
My dogs are wonderful. They give me all their love and ask for hardly anything in return. Last night I was feeling pretty lonely and was laying on the couch listening to a record when my boy dog came over to me. He gave me a little lick on the forehead and then laid down next to me. Such a beautiful gesture from a seemingly simple creature.
As for goals... I tried setting some when I first read the book. I soon realized that they were too ambitious and abandoned them. I kind of go with the flow right now and it seems to be working. I think that I used the experiment and monitor results more than the setting goals stuff from the book. I suppose that I do set a small goal in my head and work to reach that. Right now I'm working on making contact with W on a regular basis. I hadn't heard from her all day, so I called her tonight. We had a decent 20 minute conversation and she thanked me for calling her, so I look at that as a positive. So that's a small goal accomplished for tonight. Tomorrow's goal will be the same and I'll stick with it until contact becomes a regular thing.
I never really set personal goals but not because I didn't think that I had anything to work on. Instead, I do some soul searching and when I find something that I need to work on I make a change. I'll continue with that change for a while and then will reassess where I'm at. If the change has been helpful and made my life more positive, then I'll stick with it.
I'm sorry if this hasn't been real helpful, but it's how I'm approaching life right now. I think that you're right in that it's hard to see the positives when you're not looking at the big picture. I have to remind myself to be happy even when I'm with her sometimes since it's easy to get caught up with thinking that she'll be gone again all too soon. Thanks for the reminder to look at the big picture.
Peace,
B
Except I want a pizza and a six pack of beer.
Throw in a bag of Doritos and that's the kind of junk food that I'm talking about.
My day did get better. Thanks.
If you're looking for a dog, I would recommend looking on
http://www.petfinder.orgIt's a good resource for finding a dog that needs to be rescued.
Peace,
B
Well it's beginning to look like those six days or so of seeing each other and her spending the night was a fluke. We haven't really talked much this week. IM'd a little each day about random meaningless things. Talked on the phone some too. She did finally share some pictures with me that she told me she would back in November. She called me once to ask how the weather was down my way and that was the only reason she called. Another was to ask me how to get her doors unfrozen. I felt like saying (I didn't though) that if she was here she could park in the garage and not have to worry about such things...
I've also been shot down twice with asking her to do things this week. She says that she's been sick. I have to believe her if for no other reason than for my own sanity. I'm going to drop the rope now and let her have her space...
We'll see what tomorrow brings... (Probably just more snow.)
B,
I think letting go of the rope is a great idea. We have more snow as well. I'm starting to get cabin fever.
I hear you on the cabin fever. Fortunately I go snowboarding once a week, so that helps. I work from home and with the weather like it is I don't always feel like going out to do something at night. I can go days without ever leaving the house. Not very healthy for my mental state, I know...
Don't get discouraged B. She's just stepping back again for a glimpse. Stay consistent.
Remember the picnic analogy? Somebody just posted it again and I think it's really relevent to your sitch here.
And I think you're right about the snow. I'm snowed in alone with a 3 year old and a 3 month old! I can only watch Cars and Dora so many times you know!!
I think you're doing amazing.
J~
Here it is...
Picnic AnalogyHope you're enjoying your picnic!
J~
Thanks for the encouragement Jenny. I have a couple GAL activities planned for this weekend, so that should keep my mind occupied. I'm pretty excited about both of them actually. I'm going snowboarding on Sunday and I'm still learning, but I think that I'm getting a lot better. Saturday night I'm meeting up with a guy that I found online to play some music. Hopefully we'll click and we can start playing some coffee house type gigs. It's been something that I've wanted to do for the past couple years. The rest of the weekend will be filled with cleaning the house and working on some of the remodeling projects that I've started. So it should make for a pretty good weekend. Oh yeah, and the Super Bowl (I think that I would loose my manhood license if I forgot about that.
)
I know all about the Picnic Analogy. I was the one who re-posted it.
I know all about the Picnic Analogy. I was the one who re-posted it.
That's right! I knew that I associated it with you for a reason!
DUH!
Hope you're enjoying your picnic, I'm just laying out my picnic blanket now...
J~
BHopeful!
Wo, snowboarding and guitars! And keeping your Manhood License! Sounds like a good weekend!
Please don't get discouraged... I am with Jenny, she is just stepping back for perspective. And you ARE doing amazing. You are truly an inspiration!!
((HUGS))
T
I try to enjoy my picnic. It's pretty fun some days, but others it feels more like dinner for one. I try not to let it get me down though.
It turns out that she IS really sick AND she's worked some 10 to 12 hour days this past week. We talked last night for 20 minutes or so. (She called me.) Well, I talked and she talked and coughed... She was pretty bummed about being so sick and having to work so much. She started listing off all of the things that she missed out on doing. One of which was seeing me!
It made me smile since it shows she cares...
Oh, B hopeful! Reading this is making me tear up and get goosebumps. That is so beautiful that your W is sharing that with you. Is your heart leaping with gladness??
I remember I think a while back on your thread someone (maybe it was even you?) suggested when someone is sick you can give them a little present, something they need, without it being pursuing. Are you going to do anything special for your W to take care of her? I know she lives far away. Maybe you could make her some soup and some muffins? Or make a special orange juice delivery? You know best, I'm sure you've got it all figured out! Maybe you could deliver soup to her via snowboard??
((HUGS))
T
Bhopeful,
There's a new guy on the board and it looks like he could use reassurance that this is a good place for Christians to be:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1345702&page=0#Post1345702Since you are a prayerful man, I thought you might be a good person for him to "meet". Maybe you could stop by his thread and introduce yourself?
((HUGS))
T
My heart did smile when she said that. I was thinking about picking up some flowers for her since I go past her house when I go snowboarding. I know that they won't make her feel physically better, but they will brighten her day. Thanks to your encouragement I'll be sure to stop off and get some.
I'll check out the thread.
(((Hugs to you too...)))
B
So I stopped off and bought some flowers, a can of soup, and some OJ on my way home from snowboarding. I knew that my W has been sick, so I wanted to brighten her day a little. I didn't really expect her to be there as she usually spends Sundays at her parents house.
When I got to her place she was sleeping on the couch but she invited me in and told me to take a seat on it with her. I told her that I couldn't stay long as I had been gone all day and I had to get home to the dogs. She said that she understood but we ended up talking for 20 minutes or so. It came up that she had run out of cold medicine so I offered to run out and get some for her. She said that I didn't have to, but I could tell that she really wanted me to get it for her. So I ran out.
When I got back from that I didn't expect to even take my shoes off as I had to really get home now. But she was on the couch and told me to come in again and so I did. I reiterated that I should get home to the dogs, but then she suggested that I call the neighbors and have them let the dogs out for me. I made the call and they were around so they took care of them for me.
I spent around four hours at her place. I gave her a back rub since she was pretty sore from coughing so much. She ended up falling asleep with her head in my lap while I watched the football game. I had my arm stretched out on her and she buried her head into in and held onto it. Even though she is sick, it was a very comfortable and sweet evening.
Quick update as I was writing this, she called and thanked me for coming over.
So a HUGE thanks to transformer for the suggestion and encouragement. Tonight ended up being a great positive. Here's hoping that everyone else had a good weekend too.
Peace,
B
You're a good husband B!
I'm so glad your neighbour was there to let the dogs out.
J~
Dearest B Hopeful!
Oh my goodness... I have tears in my eyes right now. That is so beautiful, I am getting goosebumps! You did such a good and loving and caring job! *I* am so glad that the neighbors were there to take the dogs out ! I love how *she* was the one who suggested that you stay so long! She is very lucky to have your loving care.
I was wondering if Gifts of Real Giving might be a secondary love language for your W? I just remember she got so excited about the snowboard and I think another present too in your thread so far. And cold medicine counts too! Maybe those are isolated incidents but if there is a trend then you have just another tool to show your steadfast and wonderful love for her!
you know, this might sound weird, but sometimes I think it's really fun to take care of your partner when they are sick. It can be like this fun gentle down time to enjoy together that you might not get otherwise. Maybe I am weird !!
Anyway, your post lifts my heart. I am so happy for you!!!
(((HUGS)))
Transformer
Thanks for thinking that Jenny. I try my best. I wish my W could see that and want to be with me again. Maybe someday...
I am super grateful for my neighbor and was really surprised that my W had the idea to call her. I didn't think that she would want me around so I didn't plan on staying long. I also took a bit of a risk in that I didn't call her before I stopped over. I just showed up and half expected her not to let me in the door. One of the complaints that she had about me was that I'm spontaneous though, so I have to show her that I can be. Although, I had this planned a couple days in advance, but she doesn't need to know that.
I'm pretty sure that her primary LL is Words of Affirmation, and I think that her secondary LL is Acts of Service. I need to read the book again though. She does like it when I get things for her or do something special, that could be her secondary too. It's hard to figure out, so maybe I should just do them all.
I do a lot of little things for her that I probably haven't posted about.
you know, this might sound weird, but sometimes I think it's really fun to take care of your partner when they are sick.
It doesn't sound weird to me. I was really glad to be able to be there for her. I just wanted to make her as comfortable as possible and she must have been as she fell asleep in my arms.
Thanks for you input!
B
I just got this email from her:
Hey.
I just wanted to say thank you again for coming over last night to help take care of me.
I am still very sick. But hopefully soon I'll kick this thing!
If you are available to get together this week, I think we really need to talk seriously about some things between you and I.
And now I'm scared. I haven't replied yet. Any advice or wisdom as to how I should respond? I'm freaking out right now. I can't help but jump to the worst possible scenarios...
B,
It's easy to jump to the potential negatives, but you don't know where it is going so try to stay positive and calm. Given the level of communication you seem to be having I'd be surprised if long to chat.
Hoping for the best.
Thanks for the encouragement Woog. You're right in that I don't know what she wants to talk about. I just have a really bad feeling about it. Although she wants to meet at the house to talk, so maybe that's a good sign? Or maybe it's not, in that she's so detached from me and everything that we built in the marriage that the house is just another place.
All I know for sure is that I'm going to drive myself nuts in the next 28 or so hours. I'm going to be so nervous before she gets here. I know that I have to stay positive and calm, but I can feel myself falling apart. Today was the first time that I've cried in the past couple weeks. I cried because I'm so scared of what she's going to say. I guess that I'm not detached enough, but how do you stop yourself from caring?
b, dont beat yourself up. detaching is extremely hard. it takes time .try and pray. ask the Lord for guidance and patience. try not to think about what your wife wants to talk about. keep busy. i will pray for you.
Hi B!
As Woog said, keep calm and positive. You have no idea what crosses her mind right now. You have no clue. So, think of it as another chance to use your DBing techniques with her again.
We are here if you need to let your anxiety/panic/fears out before you see her. It's very important to be your strong confident self no matter what she wants to talk about. It's another chance to show her the better person you have become. Don't waste this chance. Stay focused.
Kalni
Well I listened to one of my favorite songs (Bob Marley - Three Little Birds) a few times and even played it on my guitar and now I'm feeling a bit more mellow about the impending talk. I know that I have to get to a good place before she comes over tomorrow night.
Maybe what she wants to talk about won't be so bad. She just IM'd me to let me know that she's going to the doctor. Why would she do that if she's going to tell me that she wants a D tomorrow? You'd think that she'd want as little contact with me as possible. But then again, who really knows what's going on in her head...
B,
Even if she has something negative to say it is important to stay calm and collected. Impress her with how much you've moved on. It will rattle her. It will make her think twice. If you fall apart it will only confirm her worst fears.
OK B,
I'm not one for false hopes, and I don't think you have expectations one way or the other...but, I think her IM was positive.
I just wanted to say thank you again for coming over last night to help take care of me.
I am still very sick. But hopefully soon I'll kick this thing!
If you are available to get together this week, I think we really need to talk seriously about some things between you and I.
I just think that if it was serious 'bad', that it would have been sent on a separate note....not while thanking you.
Anyway, I have a hunch that she still doesn't have an answer for you, but I'll bet that the conversation will be about your R. If she is wanting to sit down and talk seriously, even if she is leaning one way or the other...she is ready to chat it out. So I think you should definitely prepare yourself for some serious listening and validating.
Try not to focus on what she is going to say to you, just prepare yourself and Act As If she is going to say what you want. I think with the way your W has been acting lately...she's feeling you out. You've had the benefit of hearing some of what she thought you've done wrong in the R. You've been showing her changes, so she wants to know how seriously you took what she said. Again, my hunch is she is reaching out to you.
Have you read this "Listening Reflectively"...(or maybe you orignally posted it just like the picnic analogy!)...I always read this before I know H and I are going to have a 'talk'.
Listening Reflectivley
While this method can seem awkward at first can be a very successful techniques for improving your relationships.
1...Remain silent while your partner is speaking. Do not interrupt. Let your partner speak for as long as they wish to. The more willingness you show to let them speak the more they will feel you are attempting to understand and that you value them and what they are saying to you. This encourages them to be open and honest with you.
2...Keep your body still and do not show impatience with what they are saying. You will convey impatience and disinterest if you fidget. (A really dumb thing to do here would be to look at your watch!!!) Body language is important,(while keeping your own body posture "open" at all times, aim to mirror the more open postures they display,they in turn may mimic yours as they begin to feel comfortable with you) if you fidget you could prevent the other person from revealing what's really on their mind and in their heart. (The heart or feeling connection you really must try to understand and empathise with.)
3...When your partner pauses it will generally signal that they are looking to see if you are really listening to them. Here all you need do is show acknowledgement that you are listening and attempting to understand them. Keep your comment brief..."uh huh'..."yes"..."mmmmnnnn"..."yes, go on". You don't need to offer sympathy and you really shouldn't criticise or judge..Just be a listening ear.
4/...Keep your eyes focused on your partner while they are talking..Looking at your partner and maintaining eye contact builds intimacy and rapport.(Although as they talk they will often look away and from time to time look back at you just to make your your still listening.) Not looking at them implies that you are not listening, not really interested. it can also imply that you disagree (blocking out that you do not wish to see) with what they are saying.If you don't maintain eye contact then you will find your partner not opening up to you.
5/...Now and again when the other person pauses for a response from you, briefly sum up what they have said in your own words..If you can try to describe the feelings they have made you aware of better than they have themselves. This will help them to more clearly identify their own feelings; this will lead to a sense of rapport and unity with you.
6/...Don't express evaluations or opinions regarding the persons stated attitudes or feelings. This is hard to do and requires a lot of self discipline and practice.Don't Judge!. Do not criticize. Can you offer sympathy you might ask? And the answer is no... just try to be objective. Any thing along the lines of an opinion or judgement(either positive or negative)may make the person wish they hadn't opened up to you. You may find the communication closing down if you do.
But why not show sympathy ?,
Well even sympathy is a type of judgement. It tells your partner that you have stopped listening and started to evaluate before the other has chance to state all their case. (You must let them work through things). It can cast doubt on your ability to remain objective even when you side with them.
7/...Let the other person open up to you in their own time frame. Don't push or pressure, if they seem to ramble or wander around with no particular logic then let them...DON'T try to muster and round up the conversation in the direction you think it should go.
And make sure you look good...
J~
Don't worry...about a ting. Cause every little ting's, gonna be alright.
Wish I played guitar right now...
Thanks for the input Woog. I'll be sure to play it cool.
I hadn't read the Listening Reflectively thing before Jenny, so thanks for posting that. It definitely makes some good points and I'll try to follow it's advice. Not always the easiest thing to do though in the heat of the moment.
I'm starting to believe that what she has to say can't be that bad. She called me last night to let me know what the doctor said and then she started to chit chat. I was over at my neighbors house though, so we didn't talk long. I tried calling her back later, but she must have already been asleep. So, why would she do that if she's going to tell me she wants a divorce today? Also, she told my neighbor in an email a couple weeks ago that she was thinking about coming back home. I know that things can change pretty quickly in a WAWs mind, but I find some hope in her actions.
B,
I have my fingers crossed for you buddy.
Thanks Woog. I appreciate it.
I've got about 2 hours to go...
b, potential for some great news. i am praying for you. be patient. not too over enthusiastic. be a good listener. good job.
B,
Tell us what happened as soon as you can, OK?
Kalni
Thanks for the prayers Craig. I really appreciate it.
Kalni, I'll be sure to post about it as soon as I can...
Peace,
B