Where do I start? This will prolly be long, sorry.
Thursday H & I are Imng back & forth regarding his comign over thta night for his regular visit. I asked him to stay w/ the girls while I went out. H normally just hangs out for an hour or so.H asked if if I wasnt gonna be there and if so then can I drop the kids to his dads b/c he had to make a stop there after work. You see I have noticed that whenever its his regular day to visit and I need to do something, he seems to think I have plans w/ imaginary bf and therefore makes it impossible for me to do what I need done.He askd where I was going. When I told him to do grocery shopping, he said he didnt have enough gas$ and can i drop them at his dads. I askd are you briging them back and he said yes. Wait he has not enough $ to make it to our house in the first place? And he is still gonna drop them back off? It didnt make any sense. Before I said anything about me goign out he was fine w/ coming over & no mention of gas$. Well, this was not going to work for me as his dads is 45minutes away and then I would have no time to do groceries. I told him he would have to see them after he got back from his business trip(after the weekend). Long story short- he beacame irrate and told to go get laid or something? This b/c of a sexy text message I sent him the other day(its been a few weeks since we had sex ). H sid he would be filing in afew days and then he can sell the house and all his promblems would be over. Then he logged off.
I decided to rush to get all my groceries done before H came over and I would tell him so. I got home & I IM him this. I told him I finshed what I had to so &he can come over & eat dinner if he'd like.I was making one of his favorites & something the girls dont eat so I now it wont go to waste if H eats.He playfully called me a dumbass(i know when he does this). And said he wasnt going to eat? I sensed he was still a little angry. I said well if your not eating I wont make dinner b/c the girls already ate and all that food will waste.
<this is when I got down & dirty w/ some R talk> I told him we needed to talk.I know he's been stressing over the house payment he doesnt have.So, I told him that I will help him w/ it but not if he is living elsewhere. You see we are seperated(not legally),so I dont receive any child support and I dont ask him for any either only that he make the house payment. I also helped by taking over the electric bill on my name.
After this there was a long pause(no response back from H). I knew I needed togive him time but I still pushed and asked for an nanswer. He said he was not discussing it right then. I said OK you think about what I said.
Later that night H was very thinkative and not much talkative. I understood this & I gave him space and wanted to not scare him off, so I barely made eye contact w/ him.I dont know if he took this wrong,my body language? B/c he left w/ out saying goodbye, he never does especially before a trip.
The next day (friday) I email him to have a nice trip and I was sorry he left w/ out me giving him a hug goodbye. That I will as usual say a prayer for his flight.H aid a few things rearding his moving back and If he does the girls must keep their rooms clean b/c he will not live in messy house.At the end H mentioned he didnt cre fi this was the last time we talked for he didnt fear dying anymore??In other words in case the flight crashed.Obviously H still upset..So I left it at that & again wished him a good trip.
Well, in NO WAY did H give me any indication he was moving back this day!!!
When I pickd the girls up from day care we went directly to the mall. I noticed I missed H's call.I didnt bother calling back b/c hey, remember he said hopefully this was our LAST convo? H calls an hour later & I wait for it to go to voicemail,but he doesnt leave a message.I really was enjoying my window shopping w/ the girls and was not up for any drama from H. So, finally he calls again and leaves message to please call him back (2&1/2 hours later). I call him & in his mean demanding voice asks me my whereabouts & if I am alone(tone of no bf)? I am at the mall w/ the girls, what ya want? Come home. Huh? IS that how you ask nicely? Anyhow we were about to leave anyways.
I get home and before I go inside the house H says there is a mess in there? My bed is stacked sky high w/ all his clothes! His room is stuffed w/ his elctronics/tv,bags,shoes etc. A part of me was happy & the other half was SCARED!!!! Before I went back out too the garage I did not want to seem overly happy(evn though I wasnt)I did have a smile. I corrected my smile to be aloof? Did not want to show any emotions.Later on I thought maybe I should of shown excitement....UGH!I can tell H is looking for some kind of reaction but couldnt read it.He says how later I need to take him by his dads to pick up his motorcycle. After awhile(i know not good) OW thoughts are burning inside my mind. I know how possesive she has become w/ H & I know she was prolly blowing up his phone. I mention to him that OW is not going to let him go that easily(hopes of an explanation or something from him).He shoots me down quickly and says he doesnt want to discuss that now.He was quickly getting upset after that, so I was like OK, OK & left it at that.
I left to pick up dinner for the girls and when I return D10 tells me daddy told them he had moved back & this means no more OW & are they ok w/ that (I guess H thinks they will miss her??)D10 aslo said when they got happy about it daddy got teary eyed... thats why I thought maybe I should of given him a welcome hug or kiss or something??? H can be very sensitive.
So heres the kicker....all the while H seems to be very angry. Dont know maybe OW gave him agard time. When D7 was playing aroun trying to get daddys attenion as he was putting his clothes away he told her he had headache & ws very tired. It was nearly 11 at night when he was about finished & I asekd if he still needed me to take him to his dads. No! Dont worry about it! I am trying to figure soemthing out! I shoudl of insited that it was OK w/ me give him aride,but instead I said ok I am gonna take a shower then.Its funny how well my insticts were b/c I then had a sunken feeling that he was gonna leave and not return that night.
YUP! My feelings were right on. After two & a half hours went by I tried to convince myself not to call him,but I had to knowing he wouldn prolly pick up. I called twice and left one message. I know I shouldnt have b/c if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt I would of stop to think that knowing H when he is tired & as sleepy as he was ,he prolly just fell asleep at his dads like he has before. My message came out sounding more deperate than I really was. I told him I was not going thru this again and that I was tired of this rollercoaster and was getting off it & that in the morning I was shipping his stuff back to OW's house. I felt bad aftterwards. I know the 48hour rule... Who knows maybe if I hadnt left a message he would of stopped by before going to the airport. Now I will have to wait & see if he calls me from out of town.
I really didnt think he would move back so soon after my proposition b/c he had been going back & forth about returning for months. I so wanted to tell him the conditons of both of us needing IC, but whenever I have brought it up he refuses.
Hes back & I feel weird?Is that normal?
I dont know how to act. Do I give him space AGAIN like at the beginning of Dbng?
BUT when I did him give him space he complained it was more of the same -not enough interaction...he actaully will tell me to stop giving him space.
I need to find out what the OW withdrawals are, for I am sure they will be pouring out.
Anyone, give me examples of withdrawals?
Texted H this morning & asked him the queston that I already knew the answer but I was scared to hear. I asked if he went back to her last night. He said yes & that he thought he wasnt ready to move back. He wanted to be w/ the kids but had to deal w/ me and not trusting him, HELLO? He he didnt even give me a chance! The whole time he ws moving things around in the house & putting his clothes away, I gave him space. No r talk whatsoever,but he was in a pissy mood which I figured it was her blowing up his phone. How do these WAS not get tired of that clingyness?
He is at a race so we cant talk by cell phone. I told him I was able to learn to trust again but he had to do his part & stop contact w/ her, avoid calls to break free. I explained the comparison of the drug addict and the stages of withdrawal anger, depression & greif. I told him I willing to go thru all those things w/ him.
I will tell him to stay at least until the holidays for the girls. This way it will give me a chance to Db & for him to see the changes that Ive made already.
Chicki...I'm sorry that must have been terribly difficult for u (((hugs))) try to stay strong. Trust is such a difficult issue to begin with, and it will be hard to repair. I'm not sure where but in the piecing forum, there is a thread I read, that may help....if you can't find it let me know...I will search for it to. It may help you some...or at least give you some pointers on how to start to rebuild/regain some trust. Is he going to stay with you, or move back out...or do you know yet? Wow, I really empathize for you...take care of you, it's the only thing you can control.
Thanks you so much christarn!!
I so needed to hear these words.
I am at a lost oncemore.
I found where H has the original D papers we both signed back in May & am pondering if i should take it & just file and get the REALITY of it all started??? It just seems when I get serious about the D, H seems to get scared but I dont think scaring him is enough anymore. I prolly need to just doi t.
I feel like Ive lost this battle, lost his love for me forever and cant seem to get it back. This OW has such a strong hold on him....
Aww chicki you have done great!!! Im happy for you. You will have to read my post.
Posted on yours.
Awe, chucks, dont do any praises yet!!
I texted H this morning (knwoing I will not get a response). I wrote that if he decides to move back out there will not be a 3rd chance for him. I told him I told the girls he will prolly move back to OW's & they were sad. I said I wanted him to stay thru the holidays, but I will not hold him & he wins.
You should not have done this, you are showing uncertainty, you should let it go day by day. Dont bring fuel to the fire.
Its due to his text this past weekend where he said he thinks he isnt ready to move back. Said he needs time to adjust.
I am basically letting him know I will not sit by the sidelines forever. But in the same text I am letting him know I still will like him there thru the holidays(in hopes to Db my butt of).
Chicki,
If H is serious about getting back with you then you should have him read the part in DR about overcoming infidelity and about what each partner should do to overcome this. It might be too soon right now as he may think you are pressuring him too much. You should still DB and when you feel that he is coming around more then have him read it. Here is another article for you to consider about rebuilding a M/R.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html
I have laid out the book his & her needs & asked him to read months ago, but still hasnt. H is really not into reading anything. I told him about the greif he will endure if he were to leave her but I was goign to be there holding his hand thru it all. He is not at that point , far from it.
I dont know what it is these OW have that blind our men?
Well, it certainly isnt sex, is it Chicki?
So why dont you give it some thought. Really, what is it about her that does blind him. I dont think you have ever really posted that have you?
CVA
Hmmmmm...lets see
I dont know OW. Just that they met at work years ago. She is a single mother of D11 and going to school to be a lawyer(yeah, right DL anyone?). She is ten years younger than H & I, but my girls say she looks older w/ more wrinkles than I,but hey Ive got a baby face. Supposedly her D' dad is a deadbeat.
They started as an EA. So they built a freindship (one big advantage since H & I use to argue too much, before I made my changes & before DB).
Yet , I am not sure about the sex you mentioned? This b/c he only got the courage to ask what he wanted from me sexually after she came along, so it tells me she is giving him what he wanted all along.
She seems insecure whenever H comes for his regular visits b/c she bolws his phone up if he is a minute late. D10 witnessed their phone convo one time where H was arguing about how she times him.
So I know they have a good freindship. Could it be they dont have the passion, that we have?
Journaling/ OW pros & cons:
H use to complain that she talked his ear off especially when he wanted to sit and just watch tv. Also that she was full of energy & wanted to go out all the time. H complained he is getting too old for that & not enough $ for it.
Last week he admitted their R was not what he thought it was going to be.
Also, he still cant get along w/ her daughter.
So, CVA...what do you think????
My H is a very insecure man & if she is too, well I am sure that R is doomed.
Chicki
OK, contrast that with you.
Are u high or low energy?
Do you talk a lot or have you left him alone when he wanted time to unwind?
Whatever, what was it that you think drew him to her?
C
He says he started getting closer (talking) when we were on a downhill spiral last year & I stopped communicating w/him for about a month.
H & I are very alike in the energy part. We both go thru stages of wanting sometimes to go out or not. BUT H had prefered to go out w/ his guy freinds than me. H said what first attracted him to her was her interest in sports. She grew up a tomboy, but she wears skirts and heels all the time. So liked how they can watch sports & she understood it & got emoitionally into it (like one of the guys, as he put it). CVA, how can I compete with that??
According to my girls she wears no makeup & her hair is always in a ponytail.I have not seen what she looks like,yet she sounds gorgeous. She is my opposite physically (totally).
I dont converse too much. I have always been that way. H is also a introvert but only in that sense. At the start of my DBng I gave him TONS of space. Sop much that I told him I was giving him the space & he said he didnt want that!HE complained I would hide in our room when all he wanted was me to sit and watch tv w/ him.
This is good, CVA.
I feel like I am talking to a therapist.
I dont have one, can you be mine??HE he
Yeah, that would be wise on your part. Taking advice from someone who has been S'd 4 times.
So what are you saying, on one hand you say she is gorgeous then you say you are 180 from her physically? Open ended question w/ no motive on my part, just dont understand what you are saying.
What it sounds like you are saying is she is very open, likes sports, but can act like a girl when she wants to (heels etc). Yep, hard to compete w/ that! BUT, there must be a reason he married you to start with, What were those reasons?
I guess I have all the hispanic looks, including the shortness. She is tall, according to the girls she is almost as tall as H, & he is 5'11. According to the girls she isnt totally skinny , her stomach is like mine & her long legs(H loves long legs) are thicker.I am barely 5 feet!! I am a mix of hispanic & Filipino.
I here so much that most A down, physically???
We got prego before M. BUT I never pushed M unto him. I told him I would do fine as a single mom (we broke up while I was prego). Then we got back and we both came to the descion to make it formal. H even cried at the M ceremony.
_______________
M-37
H-37
Married soon to be 10yrs
3Ds, 6,7, &10yrs
D bomb 8/06
found out OW bomb 9/06
seperated 5/07
Ok
Here we go "miss I dont want to get into" it...WHAT IT IS ABOUT YOU OTHER THAN PHYSICAL THAT YOUR H MARRIED YOU FOR?
I dont know. I know he liked my independence.
You think if it ws only b/c our daughter that we woldnt have lasted 10yrs??
I am going to have to really think on this, since H was oen to never be expressive or complimentary. So I am at lost as to what he found attractive about me?
_____________
M-37
H-37
Married soon to be 10yrs
3Ds 6,7, &10yrs
D bomb 8/06
found out OW bomb 9/06
seperated 5/07
What race is the OW? What attracted OW to H than you? You gave some good facts and let me give you the way I feel.
I would like my W to loose some weight, thats a would like but I am happy the way she is. I always tell her so. To lift up her spirits, I always compliment her. I would like for her to wear dresses and more of an office dressing style, but she doesnt.
Most of us 'would like this and that' but we never settle for the 'would likes.' We work with what we have or is about to loose.
Hey Chicki
Didn't want to hijack CVA's thread. I am hanging in here. H has taken off rings, thrown in the towel and is now actively out there looking for dates. I found this incredibly strange since he never wanted a physical relationship with me. Wondering how this will work out with someone else? Can't imagine they would stick around too long.
Anyway. I am just treading water. Continuing with my IC. Hoping H will go back to MC. We have experienced role reversal. I was the WAW because of his issues but now he doesn't really want me back and is moving on. I still want to work on the my so I think I have become an LBS of sorts. Anyway giving it some time. Focusing on me. Trying to get out there an GAL. Been turning down dates and what not. Trying to keep things very casual with men. But once they figure out no dating etc seem to lose interest. Been connecting with old friends since there isn't any expectations.
I am looking forward to getting some in the future though!
Journaling:
I am thinking that these past weeks while H was coming around more that maybe his R was falling out a bit. Then when he moved abck it started full blast again!! Its like she saw she can lose him, knowing her she was prolly pressuring him again to D me.
H returned from trip,but I knew he was going to go back to her place. Heck she prolly had him leave his car at her place to make sure of it.
So, again the poor girls will be disappointed when he moves all his stuff back out.
Oh, well Im leaving it all to God. I can only ask HE save his soul AND OW soul too, for this will be the only way he can be a new man and turn his life around.
This sucks for your girls. IMO you need to put your foot done on their behalf. Either he comes back, for good. Or its over. This revolving door of his is damaging your children.
Thats just my 2 cents. I know you love your H and want things to work but at some point we all have to and should put the children first. They are the ones who will really suffer in the end.
Yes. That is why I texted him yesturday before he left to return from his trip. All this weekend hes been avoiding me, so texting is the only way to communicate. I let him know this is it, do not expect a third chance after this second chance Ive given him. I told him I wanted him to stay thru the holidays & try it out until then.
Yesturday ( I didnt know if I did good or bad), but I told the girls how the OW really is not a nice person b/c she is trying to take our daddy away. D7 said she has plenty of freinds w/ step moms. I explained thats fine but in order for that to happed w/ us, daddy & mommy will have to D. I asked them all what they thought & they said no that isnt what they wanted. D7 had not grasped the concept of step moms & D.
I agree. It's not fair to play games w the kids. He needs to realize it's not just about him. Why are the WAS's so selfish? Like we know exactly what we want to.
Broken
Chicki,
CVA asked you yesterday what it was about you that H was attracted to. Like you said, you don't stay around for 10 years just because. You never really answered, but did say that he was attracted to your independence.
Well, show that to him again. You keep saying there's no third chance, yet you keep texting him, which is almost like an invite back.
From what I can tell from your postings, you are a kind, attractive woman. Willing to please your man in bed. A good mother who cares for her children and with a wealth of patience and forgiveness. I'm sure he was attracted to those qualities as well.
Let him go. Sounds like he's scared and unsure of himself. From what you write, it does sound like he cares for you, but doesn't know how to open up to you again. I don't know how/if you can break through to him while he's wrapped up with the OW.
For your girls, as everyone says, he can't keep yo-yoing between you and OW by moving his stuff in and then back out. That's so selfish on his part and hurtful to your children that words can't express the disgust I feel at someone who would do that. You deserve to be treated better than that and your children deserve to be treated better than that.
BD
Heim,
Thank you, I so needed to hear those gentle, kind words today. My PMA is very low.
Yes that text of him having no 3rd chance was my last text to him. I have not called or texted anything more.
The thing is I have shown him for the past 6 months hes been away that I can handle three girls, the house & everything else all by myself.
Today I am dreading coming home for fear that all his stuff will be gone. I have read other threads where the H comes back in & out and honestly I dont know how these women do it.
TO ALL WHO ARE BELIEVERS:
Sunday night I went for the first time to my moms sunday night service at her church where only afew gather, but have strong prayer services. My mom was asked to give a testimony that included part of my story. I did not know it was going to be a full service of testimonies.
One Sunday visited my moms church I went to the alter & let it all out to HIM, weeping, but feeling good all over in HIS presence. That day one of the elders was also at the altar & told my mom as she walked past him (while he was praying & not lifting his head to see who it was) that God has a message to her that her daughter was going to be freed. when she told me that message I did not understand if it meant freed from my H or what. I understand now it was to be freed from the enemy b/c I had backslid so much until this bomb brought me back.
As my mother was telling her testimony she asked I too talk upfront.Thats when the elder man said before my mom had walked past him he had looked up at me praying & saw a cloud of white bright light over me! I told of how God has filled me w/ great peace & strength. Without that I wuld not be able to get up every morning, full of his joy and thankfulness & prolly be majorily depressed.
After I talked another woman said that my testimony gave her hope for she was going thru the same.
chicki, I can understand how you feel. I am so sorry for you. You are trying but that is the problem when there is a physical affair going on it makes it much tougher to make ammends. What is it that this OW has over you?
I havent been to church in 2 weeks since I have been busy with moving and stuff but I can relate to your situation. I gave myself to God to understand what drives me to do things I did to my W and I asked HIM for forgiveness. After all that guilt was lifted, my spirits lifted up so much. Now, I am a different person and W is coming back to me.
Why cant your H go to church? Do this, invite your H to church, dont compel him to do this just invite him.
BIG UPDATE
It was all about R talk last night. I wasnt sure if he was coming since last night was his regular visit night.I was trying to pyche myself up b/c after all the intense text messaging from me this past weekend to H while he was out of town, I just knew that hes being away & alone somethings must of gotten thru to him somehow. So, I was trying to pysche myself up in order not to let my big mouth get in the way incase he did come by. I knew if he came he wouldnt stay so I had no expectations therefore I wouldnt be disapointed.
The girls and I had finished dinner when in he came. In the kitchen bar I had two family portraits that I had taken down 5 months ago & I was going to put them back up this past weekend,but D6 had broken the glass on one of them. H noticed it & asked what happend. My big (sarcastic) mouth got in the way! After I explained what D6 had done, w/ a smile I said well I looked at it this way its broken just like our M is broken. He gave me a smirk & the bird. Then I thought to myself, God Chicki can you just ever shut up! Thinking I had blown it already I tried to recup by the acting as if and in a good mood. He asked where is the food, Im hungry? I said I didnt think you were coming? He gave me a look like,(?) OK, I deserve that. I continued w/ my big mouth for I didnt want to show how he hurt me, so I told him well, I know your not staying very long so you can eat over there when you leave. He looked down and said yeah,ok I'll do that.
After he spent a few minutes w/ the girls, he laid down beside me on my bed. He attempted to kiss me, but I automatically backed off without thinking about it. A part of me wanted to ML, but the other half jsut couldnt do it. I let him give me several pecks after. Then we laid there in silence. He gave me another intense passionate kiss & returned it. We kissed for a while. We then were making out & he asked that I shut the door as he was trying to take my clothes off. I said no. He pulled me on top of him to grind me agianst him, but I still felt NOTHING. Maybe I was too hurt? How can do this , I thought to myself? How can he expect me to perform after what he did just days ago? He told the girls NO MORE OW, he moved all his stuff in only to leave again. I got off from on top of him and laid next ot him. I turned away from him and he wraped his arm around me.
I told him "what do you think this is? Do you think you can the best of both worlds? It doesnt work that way.
I wanted to get R talk going so badly. I wanted to know what his plans are now that his stuff was back in the house. I wanted to know if I was going to come home one day only to find his stuff gone again. So, I iniated the R convo in nonchalant kind of way. I pointed to the drawers & told him I had put his clothes away in those drawers on Friday before I knew he was not returning. Why did you do that, he said? I didnt know you werent coming back.
M- so when are you moving all your stuff back out?
H- never
M- huh?
H- look I moving back just not yet.
M- so let me see if I get this right. Your plans are to get your clothes & things little by little as you need them?
H- no.
M- what is you want me to do? you want me to continue waitng forever? You know just like you found someone better than me, can do the same. Every can always find someone better the last, IF your looking for it. My freinds try to set me up all the time. They dont understand why I am putting up w/ this.
H- I am not stupid I know your not waiting.(insuating I am seeing OP)
M- You really dont know me do you?So what do you think your doing? Are you using our house as storage while continuing to live w/ her? Its been six months.
H- Yes & it took me six months to move evryting out. I didnt take it all & move out at once.
<true, I insisted for him to take all his stuff. He never wanted to take all his clothes. I took all his stuff out of our bathroom.>
H- So, I have all my stuff back now & I plan on leaving it all here. I was not gonna move back in all at once the same day. I know I need to move back, but I am so afraid things will go back the way it was. The arguing & now the mistrust. I am really afraid.
M- I understand & I dont want to sit here and TELL you how I have grown & changed. I want to show you,but you will have to take a chance on us to see. I no longer want to argue over nonsense. Life is too short and I dont want to keep wasting any more time or energy on that.
H- I am not happy.
M- I know you love her very much. SO why do you think your not happy?
H- I dont know.
M- You said to me before that your willing to make it work w/ her. Why cant you do that w/ us?
H- I m not gonna make it work w/ her.
I lot more was said. Basically he said that maybe on the weekend when I have to go to Orlando (10/13) he would prolly move back. But he said I dont want to get your hopes up either.
As he was opening the door to leave,he had such a sad look that I perked my lips at him as to say hey kiss me goodbye. I gave him a kiss. He said "you lucked out tonight, you didnt get any sex." I just smiled.
Any thoughts anyone??
I think you need to watch your mouth and stop with the little comments. I know it's hard as you are hurting, but they will be the little things that he takes away with him.
It seems like he wants to come back but is worried things will not be OK. You have to take the high road and SHOW him that you are different - that together you can be different. Stop pushing the buttons that make him worry about how it will be.
Piecing is really hard and you will have times when you will get mad at how much hurt he has caused. If you want it to work you have to button that. Start practising being more in control while he is gradually moving back. you can always go and scream when he's gone!!!! It will get you into practice for when he is back full time.
This is so hard.
(((((HUGS))))))) Chicki
Saffie
Yes, Saffie I need to keep my sarcasm in check. It's my defensive mode I guess.
OK. I sent him an email this morning I want to know what you guys think. I tend to think & expressive myself better in writing. Also, it helps because I can word things in such a way that my supersensitive man does not take it the wrong way(I think).
I want to say that you are correct when the old me use to try to make you feel bad for going away on fun business trips. I am sorry. The resentment in me was coming thruough in that way. Resentment? Yes, b/c I too felt unappreciated. I especially felt this way b/c I wasnt getting the help I needed w/ the girls, unless I asked you, like w/ their homework. I hated to ask b/c you would get angry & prolly wanted to relax, but when I did it it was b/c I was too bogged down cooking AND trying to do homework at the same time in order to get them to bed at a proper time.
So as I realize my faults in the breakdown of this M, I want you to see where you too can make changes. I do need your help w/ the girls homework. Sometimes D10 & I are up past 9pm trying to finish. Also, you too could cook like on the weekends & that would be a great help so I can do my other weekend chores.
Also, can we stop w/ the name calling? You called me lazy?
<<I am anything but lazy, but my MACHO man has a promblem w/ me taking a break in btw chores to sit & relax, I've got arthritis of the back>>
Yes, just like you I too am exhausted by the weekend and sometimes want to sit & relax, please dont make me feel bad for that. You know about my back, having Mandy was no easy task & it did one hell of a job on my body.
<<my last child was 10 lbs & I am under 5ft tall & I have arthritis of the back.>>
I will no longer overextend myself anymore. I need my health for my girls. We have three girls and only one of me.
Chicki,
Much as it probably hurt to do, I think you did the right thing in not giving in to his sexual advances. Seems that his desire is at least partly driven by insecurity and jealousy (the mythical/mysterious Jerrod).
Keep the door open, Chicki. Sounds like he wants to walk through it, but is scared. And, as MMH's tagline says, 'bridle your tongue.' SHOW HIM you are different.
BD
Chicki,
I don't know if I would start sending him emails just yet asking him to start doing work around the house. I would wait until he has moved back in and things are more comfortable between the two of you. If you send that now it just may pressure him into staying away longer.
Once he is actually staying there then you can start talking about helping with the things around the house but do it in a loving way. Hey Babe, I have got to help D with homework right now can you take over the cooking. I can't wait to taste it. or you are so good at all that homework stuff, can you help D. It is all about stroking the man's ego.
Dang girl, I shouldn't have read your bed description of when your H was trying to get it on with you. It has been 4 long months for me now and the new man that I have been seeing is just being way too proper. We went out Friday night and I ended up doing too many southern blues shots so he had to drive me home. I was in my sheer nighty with red lace thong and he still behaved himself. Now I have the kids for another week and a half.
Thong! Nice....your killing me.
You knew I would chime in here!
Thong! Nice....your killing me.
You knew I would chime in here!
....but of course
....but of course
No pun intended...?
You. Are. Killing. Me.
Kelley, right about now, I see ANY woman in a red thong and s sheer negligee and it's game on.
BD
Heim/CVA - you guys crack me up!! You could be MIA...MIA.. and then all the sudden someone types one word and it is like your spidey-sense goes off or something...
where's the thong? Ive been making that dollar today, sorry chicki I could not post to your sitch this morning as I normally do.
Hey!! What did I miss??
No wonder my thread got a few more pages!! He he he
Call me a tease or what but before H came over, I made sure I had my sexy blue thongs /w the matching lace bra. I got all dolled up for nothing (not knowing I wouldnt want to play).
But when I do get the itch...he's not here. I know you guys, say WOMEN..can never make up their minds...
Kelley,
I thought along the same thing (homework demands) but it was too late I sent it already ...hoping I didnt scafere him away too much...
I am going to try this again Saturday night if ma will agree to having the kids sleep overnight. Pig roast, bonfire and band party that OM asked if I could go. This time it will be thong with tie going up back at top and body fitting hard rock t-shirt.
CVA, CVA alert CVA!!!
I am sure you will what CVA has to say about this one!!
If this does not grab his attention,maybe he's gay??
All the talk on here is so funny.
I am with all the gals, on my nights out for innocent socializing I have noticed that I have been wearing the matching sets. Not quite up to the thongs but the cheeky boyshorts. Figure if I lost my head and ended up in that situation I may be too emabrassed to show off the granny pants
Then again, I really have no OP but if I get really intoxicated and make some bad decisions I at least want to be remembered for looking okay!
No sh** it would definately grab my attention and possibly raise the 3rd leg, thats why my W sleeps with shorts on.
Good morning chicki and kelley, how's your morning going so far?
Mine is going great. Something to forward to on the weekend and I won a 40" LCD HD TV here at work yesterday. I also have tomorrow off of work to go down to the welfare office to apply for medical assistance for my son's stuttering therapy then going to ride my horse afterwards.
Hey, MMH! I feel wonderful today! Like I can take on the world!!
Kelley,
If I can get rid of all my girls Friday I too will go out. D7 already has a go ahead to spend the nite at her freinds. She mentioned somthing about it front of H the other day. He said something smart like , well it must be nice.....I said it will be nice if I can them ALL ou of the house!
He dont know my freind wants me to meet her guy freind. ONLY to meet and get to know more peeps thats all...
Chicki,
getting out and meeting new people is great. That is how all this started out with me and the OM. It is nice to have a guy to talk too and go out with when I can.
I know how that feels, I have done that earlier last month, but since W and I are on some great terms I havent done much by myself. We are focussing too much on moving to FL.
H has been traveling on his weekends /w the girls, so that means I have not been GALng at all. I am so looking forward to getting out.
Kelley,
You have a horse? Awesome! I wish I could afford one. All my life Ive wanted one.
Hey, Another horse woman. What sort you got kelley?
Saffie
Saffie,
I have an 18 year old Missouri Foxtrotter that I board now. I used to have 3 before all this happened. I had a 22 year old thoroughbred that used to race and ended up giving her away to my neighbors cousin. I hope she is doing ok. I also had a 10 year old haflinger for the kids and gave her away to a therapuetic riding stable. They were supposed to contact me about 3 weeks ago if they were going to keep her or not for their program. Guess I will have to ride up Sunday to see them since she didn't return my call.
What do you have?
The one and only time I rode a horse for 3 hrs tour, I was sore for a week. I wont do that any more but it was fun.
Congrats on the TV! Thats wonderful.
Update
H came for his regular visit last night. He ate dinner, we all acted as if evrything was normal. He complimented on the food saying its been a while since he had spanish pork chops. He organized the mess of his junk he had left in his extra room. I wonder if he sense my fear whenever he goes in there, fear of him taking his stuff back out. He left evrything as is.
We were both in a good. I even noticed a sparkle(?) in his eyes? Dont ask me what that was about? I had his favorite color on & a blouse that everyone @ work commented on how good that kind of blue looked on me. Well, he also had a very nice blue shirt on too, I thought to myself. I think he noticed how happy I was to see him. The thing they say about be always upbeat & in a good mood? It works all the time esp. w/ my H. H seems more relaxed around me.
I was in my room getting the kids lunch money organized in each for their envelopes when he came in and started touching me again.
Today I was weak:( I guess we were getting along so well & the atmosphere was like old times. We had flirted & had called each other our own kinda pet names earlier. He knows exactly how to get me going.
He knows exactly how to get me started. He closed the door when he saw I was receptive & not going to turn him down. The usual passionate kisses. I dont remember us kissing so much before but I do remember he told me not too long ago he enjoys kissing. This time I can truly say he was happy and enjoying himself, he couldnt stop smiling and causing me to do the same.
After we were done in jokingly manner I said "I hate you" but w/ the right tone." He knew what I meant by that. He didnt take offense. He knew I meant -Why do you do this to me?When I shouldnt or am not strong enough... He jokingly said thats alright I like to be hated... I said you know I am not into this casual thing.. His response, Its not...we are dating...
M- We are?
H- Yeah, you remember this is how we started....
M- Well, if we are dating then you should take me out
H- OK
M- I mean out of this ROOM, other than just sex
H- Ok, ok
M- Our anniversary is next month..I wonder if I will spending it alone..or maybe I need to celebrate it w/ someone else...?
H- What?
M- Well, I mean you will be over there & I will be here....
H- That is a entire month away... a lot can happen before then....
M- Well, like I said before dont wait too long it maybe too late
You know your getting the best of both worlds..what most men want, two women at once....H-<<inserts a joke?>> no im working on third also. Is this whats happening? This way you have vareity & you dont get bored? << no meaness or anger tone here>>>
He understood I was only trying to comprehend what his intentions were.
H- No I dont need that. I am not bored right now....
ANYHOO, NOTE TO SELF...why? why? why cant I jsut keep it constant in turning him down? UGH!!
NO ofensive to the men here, but why do some men do this??
Is it the dog in them? I read somewhere that us women have to feel loved and respected BEFORE we have sex & you men need to have sex , in order to feel loved???
GUYS, tell me there is some truth to this before I go insane analazing it to death.....
OK, ms. sexcapade, I don't think it's totally true that all men "need" sex in order to feel loved, but many of us feel more loved when we're getting sex from the one that we love. It's a physical expression of what we feel inside -- at least for me.
I'm not one of those guys, but rumor has it that there are men out there that use women like kleenex. From the way you describe what's going on, I lean away from your H treating you that way. He seems honestly confused, but he IS doing a fair bit of cake-eating. However, if you're enjoying yourself and not feeling used . . . I honestly have no clue which way you should go to move your R with your H alone -- cut him off or give in.
Also, not sure about the jealousy angle you keep playing with H. Be careful, you seem to be playing with fire by doing that.
BD
I could use a Kleenex man right about now!
Kidding of course but the drought is just about killing me and all this talk of "relations" is making me jealous. Heck I would love a plain old steamy highschool style makeout session!
I hear u sister! I haven't had a steamy make out session in 10+ yrs, I would have liked to, but after kids W gave me enough time for, ya know.
Crap, my mind is about to be in the gutter all day, AGAIN! And I am about to go workout! Cold shower, cold, cold, cold....
I don't think there are many men who don't fall into your description. It would be very difficult to stay with a woman who did not have sex with us. Barring a physical ailment or any "worse" in "for better or worse" we have to just accept. However, I don't think just denying sex cuz you don't want to is a valid reason. There would clearly be something else wrong with the R.
So long way of sayong I think the general statement you made is right, at least from the male POV.
Hell, I'd settle for a tepid middle school peck on the cheek and hand holding at the moment.
Heimlich,
You are wright again in the fact that I need to backoff on the using the jelousy handle. I was also thinking along the same lines. I can see the hurt in his eyes when he thinks there might be someonelse. In the beginning I liked the way he responded b/c it was the only way he was showing me he still cared (as he put it in his own words)"I obviously still care". I suppose its my way of showing him I will not be waiting in the wings forever.
Please, Heim remind to stop doing this. I noticed since I last reinforced him that there was no OP, he seems to be a little more relaxed around me. I cant remember what author it was,aslo he's been mentioned here- Homer? who advocates instilling jelousy in the WAS?
WAW1978,
The kleenex- LOL!
CVA,
I do beleive the sexual connection does help a bit H feel loved especially since he doesnt know how to express it verbally.
Its too bad this time around I did feel used. I had not felt like that in along time. I guess b/c I keep hearing him say is coming back but still nothing.
I did let him know that his definition of "dating" is not the same as I know dating. So, lets see if next time he takes me out?
ANYHOO, NOTE TO SELF...why? why? why cant I jsut keep it constant in turning him down? UGH!!
I'm not sure.
If it were me, I wouldn't be able to get the vision of where else his **** has been or will be after he leaves. That would give me sufficient strength to say no. I couldn't imagine having sex with my wife and then she leaves to be with someone else.
NO ofensive to the men here, but why do some men do this??
Is it the dog in them? I read somewhere that us women have to feel loved and respected BEFORE we have sex & you men need to have sex , in order to feel loved???
I personally couldn't imagine doing what your husband is doing. I wonder if turning him down a time or two makes you more desirable. It would for me. It would be a challenge. Does he withdraw for awhile after sex?
I do think that men in a relationship do want sex to feel loved. But is that what your H is doing? If so, then he's very indiscriminate because he's looking to feel loved by other people besides you. I'm sure he's attracted to you, but I don't know if he wants it to feel loved. He's especially sweet to you on these dinners because he wants sex rather than wanting sex because things are going so well with you....know what I mean? He knows he has to work it a bit or you won't give it up.
Continuing to have sex is up to you. Ask Lisalost if it worked out for her and what did work. She got back together, but from reading her story, he continues to lie and still talks to OW. Is that what you want? Get back together but once the sex gets boring he's off wooing the OW again for a quickie in the kitchen? I would want him back on your terms, not on his. If you are willing to accept this piece of tail on the side role now, if you're ever back together, don't get all up in arms if he cheats on you. You make him feel like God's gift to women.
Chicki
Let me boil this down to odds
I personally would give it a 95/5% chance that if you turn him down, he will be drawn closer to you (95% chance that will happen).
I personally would give it a 95/5% chance that if you turn him down, he will be drawn closer to you (95% chance that will happen)
I agree with this. Don't know what the odds are, but I agree with increasing your odds. If you have a nice dinner like you described, but make it clear that you can't be sexual with him unless he's all yours, I think he'll try even harder. At some point you have to ask yourself, "is this enough for me being the woman on the side?" If the answer becomes "No", then it might be necessary, for your own self-esteem, to discontinue even the dates. But, you have to do what's right for you.
Me
chicki, I have been turned down all this week but I dont think anything less of my W. At least we are still sleeping together. I am happy about that.
OK, I have another question for you guys.
Should I tell him how having casual sex will not cut it for me anymore? Should I let him know it makes me feel used and more alone afterwards?
I use to be able to seperate my feelings really good for a good while whenever we had sex,but this last time, I couldnt. I use to look at it as "jsut sex" & well, I am still his wife & also to keep me from falling into "temptations" since I do have a high sex drive.
Should I tell him how having casual sex will not cut it for me anymore? Should I let him know it makes me feel used and more alone afterwards?
Yes, if that's how you feel. Isn't it a little demeaning to know he's going back to OW?
I use not feel this way though. I was "seperating" very good if I do say so myself. I onetime felt I was "using" him. Maybe it was my best detaching??
I use to convince myself that she doesnt really "have" him if he is still getting it from me,but same goes for me I guess.
Another question:
I know what dbrs have said about no contacting OP,but I want to if only to leave her a message (which H will hear I know) of how we are still having sex & of how his kids miss their dad so much, why dont you go & get you a single man?
I know what your all going to say- That this will only backfire. Ow will feel empowered, etc.
So I guess I will just tell her here.
OW-I know you were once introduced to God. I hope you seek HIM again & do right by HIM and leave my H. H loves his children dearly. I know you know how much he loves them. SO, stop tearing up our family and find your self your own.
It is not a good idea for the reasons you mention above, but also because it needs to be your H decision.
He needs to choose to be with you (and just you) because that is what he wants. Not just because OW is not an option at the moment. The problem needs to be fixed with him, not with her. There will always be temptation out there and you can't fight with all of the tempataion - your H is the only one that can do that.
saving,
Your right, your right...
All I can do is keep praying and letting all go to God.
I have no control, I have no control, must detach, must detach...
<<as I'm clicking my heels together like Dorothy..>>
Hey Chicki
Hold tight. Be strong. Visit one of those adult shops if you know what i mean, wink wink.
Shut off that SOB. I know you have needs, trust me. But you will respect yourself more if you make that move. He is a big fat cake eater. Take the cake away he will have to see what he is missing out on. He may never make the decision if he is getting the best of both worlds.
Sounds tempting to confront the OW, but from we all know that does almost nothing except piss off the WAS.
I have no control, I have no control,
BS, chicki, you control you. And you be cool. As waw says, I tend to agree, cut the SOB off -- especially giving how it's making you feel. Go to Target, see if batteries are on sale. Plenty of websites out there if too embarrassed to visit a specialized "boutique."
(and he's not an SOB. Just sounds like he's scared to go to you and scared to stay where he is.) Be strong for you, your girls, and your H.
And, yes, DETACH, DETACH, DETACH
And NO JEALOUSY!!!!! (If you feel the need to mention Jerrod in front of your H again, DON'T -- shall I do this daily for you
)
BD
Dont get me wrong..I am not THAT kind of lonely.
I am only missing my family aspect of my life.
H's warm body sleeping next to me and protecting us thru the night.
Waking up to him and seeing him go before he leaves on yet another business trip.
OH! Just now D10 asked me why daddy moved his stuff back & said he was staying but now hasnt stayed all week? UGH!!!
Heim,
As always you say the right words...thank you so much.....
H is not SOB & yes he is so very confused and so very scared to come back to the same old promblems
chicki, your H needs to let go and go forward with the future. Most R's dont work cause one or the other holds back to the past and always procrastinate.
Weekend update
Nothing new & exciting to tell.H was gone on busisness trip but managed to call every nite "to talk to the girls".b So since he says he only calls to talk to them .When I see its him I dont answer & hand the phone staright to one of the girls.
Just before he boarded the plane he called, I again gave it to the girls ,but we were all siting so close in the back of my mom's car that I could hear his everyword. The girls didnt know who's house we were going to, so H asked waht we were doing (asks them alot now) & they said they didnt knwo who's house we were at. I am sure that got him wondering. Then he asked to speak w/ me & can hear them calling to board in the backround. H sounded so sad. Said he didnt have a good feeling about this flight. As always he knows I put him in prayer before his flights,but I cant remember the last time he phoned me from the airport. Said it was prolly b/c the bad weather. I made teh call brief and said well I pray for the flight and have fun, gotta go now. He seemed like he wanted to say more as he paused awhile before saying goodbye.
The first night away he sounded jet lagged and said he was going to sleep early. After he spoke w/ the girls and asked one of them if she had slept over at her freinds(as was planned),but plans were canceld. Yeah I didnt GAL whatsoever again this weekend. BUT, I intend next weekend!!H will be in town & I will be in Orlando picking up grandad at airport & then visiting family there. My girls wanted to go see the new movie w/ the Rock-Game Plan,but they want all of us(daddy too) to see it together. I knew he was tired but when he asked to speak w/ me he wouldnt say anything. UGH! I hate the silence over the phone. I feel like we no longer have anything to talk about anymore. So asked about what all he did his first day there. Thats when the convo got going. He went to a motorcycle museum & took tons of pictures. He said how much fun it was to see the old types & so many diff. types. He was going to the Talladega race the next morning (on of his dreams). I told him to enjoy all he can.
Last night I wanted to purposefully not answer his call & since I had to charge the phone anyways(only charger in the car), I left it in the car. I missed his call,but he left a VM said he just left the race (sounded very upbeat, btw). Gave me the stats on who won 7 his fav #8 lost & the Jags won.... I decided not to call back as it 2hours since he called. I missed his call again & this time he left a text saying he called earlier, was eating now & to give his love to the girls. The girls & I were wathcing the movie The World Trade Center (again) & I put them to bed as I finished the movie & became emotional,thinking along the same lines of the movie...if H were to die in a plain crash & I were never to say ILY again.... Sometimes I want to say ILY, but I dont want to pursue.
Actually shortly after the bomb I would say or email ILY & even though he couldnt say it back he said he enjoyed hearing it. I have mix feelings of how he would take it now. I felt it was approriate before he got on the plane to say the words,but I chickened out.
The girls didnt know who's house we were going to, so H asked waht we were doing (asks them alot now) & they said they didnt knwo who's house we were at. I am sure that got him wondering
Quick note: Re: Jealousy. Stop making him jealous, Chicki.
Sounds liek a catch-22 on the ILY. I think he wants to hear it. He's thinking about coming home. You telling him that might push him over the hump toward you. Of course, might not. Anyone else have any thoughts on that one?
I feel as though it is OK to slip an ILY every once in a while if the moment seems appropriate and it would come off as sincere with wanting/needing nothing in return. I think it turns into a bad when you are saying it all the time, or saying it to try and get something back from the other person.
I have to agree that if you feel like say ILY then you should when its appropriate. Not all the time but if you feel its okay then go for it.
I know my H travels for bus quite often and I tried to give him a hug before his last cross country trip as I often wonder the same things about plane flights etc. But he wasn't really into to it so I didn't push it. Next time I just told him to have a safe flight.
Heim,
Thanks for the reminder,but this time I want TRYING to make him jealous. He was speaking to the girls & they honestly didnt know who's house we were going to.
I agree I sense it from H that he wants to hear it.
Saving,
I thought the perfect time to say it was just before he boarded the plane,but I didnt (missed opportunity).
Hey chicki,
Thought I would drop in and catch up on your sitch. Backing up a little bit, I would have to agree with some others here that if you are having a hard time separating the feelings when you have sex with your H, then you should definitely stop.
I was able to do this with my H for awhile too always telling myself I shouldn't feel bad b/c afterall, he is my H! But now, I think I would just feel used.
Other than that, I think your sitch seems pretty positive! I'm sure it is frustrating for you, but if you are willing to stay patient and let him work out his issues on his own, it seems you have a good chance of making it through this! You are doing great!
not an ex yet,
Even though I tend to still do quite alot of slip-ups, its good to hear when you get some head way in other's perspective...thanks!!
Weekly visit update:
Why is it that before H came over I was trying to once more talk myself into not being weak incase he approches me sexually, but at the same time as I came out of the shower and I am rubbing lotion all over my body ....I am wishing H wold walk in...and make mad passionate LOVE, not sex, but LOVE......
UGH!!!!! So, I took my time but, H was running a little late, so I finished & got dressed, gave up, convinced myself to stop the nonsense.. at least for the moment.....
When H came in exhaustion was written all over his face..he dragged himself in and compalined of how tired he was and how he was burnt out out of nascar..yeah thats a first...I was in the Lr eating dinner...I know letting him eat is also cake eating,but as far that goes I really dont mind...I am not the type to eat infront of others and not offer.....He laid down on the sofa and gave the girls their traditonal beany bears that he gets form wherever he travels too. H told them maybe they will start to colect them from every state. I told D10 to ask daddy what she had asked me the other day. I told him that the girls were confused. I told the girls this weekend they will be w/ you at your place & his fav. D7 said no daddy doesnt live there anymore. D10 said "oh yeah, daddy why is it you moved all your stuff back and you said you were coming back but your still not only here but on Tuesdays & Thursdays?"H-I will not just yet, not ready yet. I didnt say anything. The girls just looked at him.
I was putting wart medicine on D6 on my bed when H came by to say goodbye & turned his cheek for me to kiss him. I called him to ask him something and then I told him to give me a real kiss. Heck w/ have sex so that should not be a promblem anymore....I think he didnt want to get anything started b/c he truly did look tired. So he leaned into me & gave him a big soft,lingering one....He said, oh..dont start....he gave me another (granted D6 was right there and he kept looking over at her like to say are we doing anything about her?(I dont know,assuming) All I wanted to do was kiss him... Then I kept talking to him as he was heading out... I noticed he was breathing hard, deeply...hmmmm, but I left it at that......
I file it always as a good day when we dont argue....
I didnt ask when he was coming back..I know he dreads that now everytime he visits....
Even though its cake eating to some here....
I get to show him my cooking he said he misses....
He relaxed watched his BIG screen TV that he doesnt have at OW's
Again he pointed out how he was not taking anymore of his clothes, but I acted as if...told him he can do want he wants, since he had taken most anyways..He said no, no....
I Im'd H last night just before he was getting off work. I wanted to go to a concert tonite (his nite to visit), but I was not going to ask him to stay w/ them as it sould be too late fo rhim to be at our place). So I told if it would be better he comes by on Friday since he has to come & pick them up then for the weekend.
I was surprised of his answer, before he would jump to it (not to have to come over two the days in row).
I was also surprised he didn't rush me since it was past his time to leave work?
M- would you mind not coming over tomorrow and come over Friday since you will be here anyways?
H- thats up to you. you must have plans.
M- yes
H- a date
M- nope
H- where will you be
M- in xx side of town
H- oh at x place? what time
M- no- its a concert- not your type though-christian
H- are you going alone?
M- yes
H- your lying, why cant you be honest with me? You dont go anywhere alone.
M- I am being honest, if you choose not to believe thats your problem. Since you left I go many places bymyself. But I will try to call around to see if I can get someone to go.
H- so you are going w/ a guy? And he will prolly meet you there.
I know I have no right to ask these quesetions, but I dont understand why you are being vague w/ your answers.
M- It's not my intention to do that. No I am calling to women from church.
H- OK. Can you drop them off by 6 to my work?
M- yes.
H- Make sure they are dressed decently,no trailer trash look.
M- OK. I love you for this!!!! <<<hint, I'v been wanting to say ILY and waiting for the right time>>>>>
H- you love me anyways(?)<<glad he noticed, was wondering>>>
As I was trying to log off he told me to wait a minute & then he kept small talk. I was wondering ..hmm..its 30 minutes past his clock out time & he's not in a hurry to rush home?
Then I say goodnite and he writes- Yeah, let me go and be miserable now. He has said that before meaning he's going home to be miserable w/OW.
I wrote back- Right, thats why you cant leave....This si what I meant when I call her the wife b/c now you cant seem to leave and I am now the outsider.....
H- shut up.... <<I am glad he didnt take offense by it>>
M- besitos (kisses in spanish)<<I think he likes my new sayings>>>
H- yes you too.....
So, lets see how my night goes. I am looking forward to finally GALng its been a while...
Why does our sitch always think there is someone esle or dont believe where we go? My W still dont believe I go to church, she says I go to Walmart - wtf. I invite her to my church and she refuse to go so I dont get into no details as to whether or not I go to church.
Then I say goodnite and he writes- Yeah, let me go and be miserable now. He has said that before meaning he's going home to be miserable w/OW.
I wrote back- Right, thats why you cant leave....This si what I meant when I call her the wife b/c now you cant seem to leave and I am now the outsider.....
Hey Chicki. It sounds like this convo went pretty well except I would try to stop this kind of comments. If he says he has to go be miserable now, just say, "Yep. see you later." Just my opinion. Hope you had fun at the concert!
UGH!! Guys, dont get me wrong I love the attention I get from men, but lately its been strangely over the top!! Do I have a sign that reads "seperated"?
My work has changed some positions around so now we have more men in our building. I work in the health field so, not many men around...until recently..
In the past week two diff men have told me of two diff men that are interested in me....will not go there, especially at work.
So yesturday this guy says I know someone who wants to know your marital status & w/out thinking I said seperated, then I quickly took it back & told him really no one here knows & I'd like to keep it that way. Today he asks well, what do I tell him, I said married. I've noticed the looks & today it was getting to me, why??
So, I am IM'ng to H & I complain...I wrote- UGH!! I want to be left alone!! I must have a sign that reads- SEPERATED. He writes back- thats what happens when you tell people your business... UH, no only three of my closest friends know & it wont get beleive me, he(2 of them being my bosses). Then he writes- Do I need to go over to your work?? No, I said I will handle it..
He says maybe they found out about Jared and want in the action....
I tell him I am going to lunch and he ask why so early its not even 11 am (it was 11am). I remind him I (we) come in @ 6 in the morning. Yeah sure your prolly still talking to Jared..
Anywho, I ignore and tell him I need to go yummy in my tummy...
I asured him there is nothing w/Jared or anyone else,but I cant help if he acts insecure sometimes....
UGH!! Guys, dont get me wrong I love the attention I get from men, but lately its been strangely over the top!! Do I have a sign that reads "seperated"?
I am cracking up here...Yes, separation permeates through women...men can smell it on us. Probably left over from the cave man days. Pure instinct. Or they can sense the lonliness and desparation.
In my case word of separation has spread through my town like wildfire. My kid brother cannot go anywhere without inquiries about his "younger sister"...I am older but I am not about to correct that. Haven't live here in 11 years so no one remembers that I am the older sibling, lucky me!
As far as work goes...Don't fish off the company pier!
Damn. Why doesn't that work in reverse?
Chicki,
1. Is there any way to tell your H to go effe himself if he asks about Jared again? Either straight up or politely. I mean, good lord, he's having an A and he's jealous about YOU. That's total BS and, for some reason, just pi$$es me off for you.
2. How YOU Doin'?
Wonder Twin powers, activate!
BD
WAW,
Thanks for confirming how they can smell this seperation! Geesh!
H thinks Ive told the enitire world our stich, uh,no its still a bit embarrasing...
Heim,
Thank you for your support...on the Jared thing..
Update on on GALng last night:
I met H at his work parking lot to drop the girls off. I was mentally prepared for him to be cold & distant as I was assuming(I know making an a$$ of myself) that w/ his coworkers around he would not even give me a kiss on the cheek. NOT!! Surprise...
The girls got out of the car and ran to him, as I sat waiting inside the car...he came to my side, chit chattted a bit and w/ a smirk made a comment about me going alone to this tonight.
Then he leaned inside to say goodbye turned to each each cheek for me to kiss him and then purked his lips up for me to give him one on the lips...then he(jokingly)sid you have bad breath- I said I do..I have a sore throat..H- Why?..while making the mouth gesture of(you know what) like he had something in his mouth)..anyways...... M- I havent done that in long time....
So after my concert, I met him at a nearby store parking lot and he chit chatted abit before leaving. He made the same 'ol comments about my evening..did I really go bymyself, did I meet someone there..."I guess I am now babysiting for you & your dates"......M- Uh, well let me see I have been doing the same for you for how long now..6 months? H- OH! So are you admiting to it? You did go on a date? M- No...<as he could tell I was gettting tired & aggravated by then..So, I said, no but there were plenty of good looking christians, especially since they love the Lord it makes them even MORE handsome...
he changed the subject <<good about time he got a clue>>>
Asked me if I enjoyed myself, I said yes and showed him the CD I got of Brandon Heath. I told him I especially love the song-
"I'm Not Who I Was". I would love for him to hear it...as I played it while we were talking....
Its his turn to stay w/ the kids this weekend, so he asked if I was staying over night in Orlando saturday b/c he wasnt sure about taking the girls to the football game this sunday due to how hot it was last time. I told him I want sure what mymother wanted to do. Then he stay he might stay at home, but after seeing the news this morning ,I know he wont. There will be a blackout for the game, not enough tickets were sold.
Poor thing...he looked so sad.....his hair again looks like it hasnt been cut in forever...When he was w/ me he would cut every two weeks..he knew I loved his hair military style-crew cut...
I made a comment about it and said..yeah, I 'm letting it grow out like Evan Almighty...I laughed b/c I had sent the girls last nite w/ the movie (they wanted daddy to see it w/ them). The girls had already seen it at the movies w/ me and loved it. I like the nonchalant sublime God messages it sends...so I too wanted him to see the movie.
So..one more day of good positives.....
H thanked me(?) for letting have the kids..I said no, thank YOU for watching them.....
P.S.
WAW,
I made a comment about you...H was talking about his next btrip & mentioned how he went to Boston and didnt want me to have one of his Cheers tshirt (he bought like 3) and theat I met someone online from there....again I had to remind him of the a web support I subscribe to.....He said he will give it to me, that he doesnt wear it( i know)plus he only wears the hat...
Thats funny Chicki!
Tell me what he looks like and I will tell the locals he's a Yanks fan if you want. That will fix his wagon
Weekend update
This was going to be the first weekend H has the kids over to OW's in along time due to all his out of town trips. I left H a vm b/c it was getting late on Friday night and he still wasnt home to pick up the girls. He finally returns my call and he sounds pissy. I ask whats the matter & he says in a teary voice " I hate this", "taking the girls back & forth like this & I know it hurts you too". ?? I was confused b/c before (in the start of the A), h couldnt wait to play "stepfamily" w/ OW. WWHen he arrrived he said some more, he asked if we were staying over night in Orlando b/c he didnt want to leave the girls "with *HER* <<the way he said *HER*>>> was almost like repulsive??? So, all in all it made me think that OW is getting tired of *babysitting* my kids??? Hmmmmmmm....oh, no not MS wonderful, who organized a easter hunt in their backyard & who make chocolate chip pancakes for my girls? Yeah.....I guess he "best mommy" front is starting to show her true colors...he he he I cacnt remember all that was said but, I could tell something was btw them, he would call her "that woman"?? OR if I said *your place* he'd say thats not my place...I responded w/ well, you've made it yours for half a year....H- yeah, but now all my stuff is here back home....I suggested he ask his sister if he can leave the girls w/ her for the game and take his nephew instead..he said OK.
I texted him just before the football game started, I had a feeling he didnt take the girls to his sister's... Sure enough, later D10 told me he took her & OW's D11 to the game. I asked him later about why he didnt ask his sister & said she's been acting strange and so he didnt...So, he left the other two D6 &D7 w/ OW.......hmmmmm, I am sure MS clingy didnt like that one bit b/c D10 told me OW said she a alot of homework to do....oh, this is what she wants, she wants H to marrry her, she better get use to it, right??
Anyways.....here it comes the sex part......after he put the girls to bed....he started to "feel me out"...I said "what si this?" Im I just a booty to you? Why me? THis is why you have her, this is her job to do , not mine...you can get it whenever you want from her....<in the mean time H is shaking his head no, no...>>> H- OK (as he was putting his pants back on)and kept his head down.....you know things arent peachy, rosy w/ her...
I followed him out to the garage as I took him and grabbed him to face me and I told him...you know I love to do this w/ you, but the last we did..it only made me feel bad, more alone than before an dto know your only going to go back to her afterwards....I need more than that..I want to wake up to you in the mornings and go bed at night w/ you...
<<shaking head, I know, I know>>>
We went out to the garage as we talked baout other stuff as he pointed out to his dad's lawnmower that needs to sold before Thursday when his dad leaves to out of the country to go back home..I sat myself on top of the freezer..as he stood there staring at me.....he came over, looked at me straight in the eye and said "you are so hot, still so hot", I said really? What do you mean? H- Your hair, your whole you....
He grabbed the back of my neck as he started to kiss me,looked around and said,hmm..what do ya think shall we do it here in the garage? I was hesitant, especially after all that speech of mine...OH , heck there goes my speech.....UGH!!!
<<i have secretly wanted to do it in the garage..somewhere different .. >> I said " you know its better than the same 'ol, same'ol",H- what do you mean? I told him its good to switch it up around from time to time, not always in the bedroom...
We did it!! Right there on top of the freezer...and no it wasnt cold......
And no, I didnt feel bad afterwrds.....thaks God, maybe I can go back to my old self again..seperate, detach while having sex, treat it as nothing but that, sex....I think I can..
This morning my girls filled me in what they did...
D10 todl me H & OW were fighting all day Saturday and they didnt go out until the night to go eat... she said they didnt even go to the apt pool...hmmm...I thought they would it was a nice sunny day...
For the game, H took our oldest D10 & Ow's D11 to the game..the girls said "it was their turn this time". On the way back for H to drop them off ..the girls said H told them this was going tobe thier last time spending the weekend over OW's....yeah , sure I've heard that one before....
D10 told me they didnt get out of the house all day Saturday
<<thats strange, I thought they would be at the apt pool b/c it was a hot day>>
I'm just curious about those of you who still have sex with your H while they are having an A. Don't you worry about disease? Do you use protection?
It definitely sounds like the honeymoon is over for H and OW.
Keep with the program.
Ronda
P.s.
Forgot to mention H said he came over early liek 6am Sunday mroning..said he wasnt sure if I was back in town....I said what for? Did you have the girls? H- No...you know why I came over....
Rhonda,
I know one thing about my H..is that when things arent going so well and theres is a lot of arguing..h will not be in the mood whatsoever to have sex w/ you.....I guess he kinda like a woman in that sense...I get the feeling they aren having much if any.... THats hwo it was w/ us..he evn told me so one time that al of our arguing was "killing it" for him...I was the opposite, I wanted to have "make up sex" and when we argued that was the only way I felt close to him... MY h has to feel close and that everything is ok FIRST to have sex....and he's been ...oh soooo passionate more than BEFORE....
So how was evryones weekend?? WAW, CVA & MMH??
chicki, that is some wkdn drama, hmmm. It makes me think I would have felt the same way going back and forth with D and having D have clothes over my place and W's place. Thank God, we are still living and sleeping together. Nothing new has changed for me, but I can now hug and hold W, she rubbed my back and sometimes is a little flirty but I am ok with all of this.
Oooohhhhh..ahhhhhhhhhh..its sounds like she is feelign ALOT more comfortable around you...sooon MMH, soon I just know it.....!
Yes, I knew it was a chance I was taking...whe I kicked him out of the house, but at the time, I couldnt stand to see him come and go and disappear on me... At least now I dont have to wonder anymore....
Keep it up, your doing so good!!
Hey c
Mostly good!
Crazy kids, crazier W!
C
Hey Chicki
Had my little one all weekend. Nice not to lonely! We had a good time, got some pupmkins up her in NE. Starting to get colder. Prob will be making Jack O Lanterns this week.
You really are something else...on the freezer? Naughty chicki! making some of us very very jealous!
WAW,
Its funny to me how he came over at the crack of dawn (to play) and left our kids w/ her!!! Now does that sound like I am playing the part of the OW or what?? he he he
I am in the lookout for the Elvira outfit for sure now.....to go w/ my mischieve..he he
You OK with this, Chicki? It was killing you last week. I sense that you feel that you're pulling your H back to you. If the sex is working and you're enjoying it (sweet, by the way, freezer -- yeah baby. blow his mind and have a mirror conveniently placed next time), keep it up. At the same time, what your H is doing to your kids is disgraceful. He sounds conflicted. Pushing might send him running away. Regardless, sounds like what you're doing is working.
Just worried that he's using you for a piece and stringing you along. Don't want to get too cynical, but be careful.
You. Elivira. Photos.
BD
Hmmm nookie...2 time in a year. Your killing me.
I am getting to the end of my rope here. You and Kelley are a bad influence on me
Watch out, waw. You may see someone who looks like Nicholas Cage that has a Texas accent hanging out in your local Target soon
Yeah, Chicki is killing all of us with the sex talk. Other than pregnancy, I don't think we went longer than a week between "freezer episodes" for 16 and a half years. Were a woman to even touch me at this point, I don't know what would happen.
BD
WAW,
I dont think bars is good place to meet people (hence whre I met H, spanish dancing). Go to B & N.
Heim,
Your too funy...I bet you keep the W laughing....
Sense of humor a def. plus...
How do u hit on someone in B&N?
Watch the 40 year old virgin again, "Do you like to -- do it yourself?"
Wait a minute H!!!! Just read your post, don't look that much like him, used to look more like but don't really lknow what changed. Similar body though. Have been compared to Peyton Manning which isn't the greatest compliment. But whatever.
WAW, you would be welcomed, "with arms wide open" down here in Htown.
Didn't you say your kids thought you looked like him? Anyway, yeah, Peyton Manning, that ain't flattering.
BD
There's an ego boost for ya! Yeah, my kids said I did a la ghostrider
Hmmm Nic Cage...Always liked him since The Rock...where Vanessa Marcil plays his really cute girlfriend FYI. Of course there is always Sean Connery. One of my older crushes. Him and Jack Nicholson anyday
Oh yeah, forgot about that, SEE, I knew I liked Vanessa for a reason!
Chicki,
Glad your H can have no-strings-attached sex whenever he wants and then return to his gf who he happens to be cheating on. Sounds like just the kind of guy you should be chasing, one that doesn't know how to stop cheating. This sounds like a competition to see who can screw him into being with them.
I'd like to point out a few critical things: You are believing what he says and you are also doing a fair amount of mindreading. If he wants to have sex with you, he obviously isn't going to point out how things are great with OW. You believe him when he says things aren't working out because you want to. He knows just how to pull your strings. And he definitely is stringing you along. He probably says the same things to her about you. Does she know that you are having sex with him? I'm sure not. He just gives her a convenient little lie so he can run over to see you.
If you don't want anything more than sex, then I guess keep doing what you are doing because you are certainly getting that. If you want to be treated like I'm sure most wives would prefer (except swingers), you might want to reign it in. What you do is certainly up to you. My opinion is biased by the fact that I personally would never accept sharing my wife with some other guy that is also having sex with her. Call me old fashioned that way.
JM,
I was just Imng w/ H and asked him if his offer still holds for me to help pay half of the filing fee. He said no....I said why not, you want this too...I asked if he was seeing the girls 2nite b/c I will see him halfway....he asked if I had a date...and said he will not see the girls 2nite and for me to get another sitter....
H is pist b/c yesturday I emailed him that I was ready to start to date...and he was so upset, his response was-F***you, you wh***!!!
In the IM today I told him I was no longer waiting on him that I too deserve happiness...that dating does not mean f******..he said it does to him and that desperation was showing on my face..
I wrote back- no longer will I be put up on a shelf for you to take down whenever you get bored and still continue w/ her..
this is called going on w/ my life, just as you have
H- well then you file and move out so I can sell the house
M- you have the paperwork already,lets split the cost..
H- not doing it, have fun 2nite and get another sitter!
You see H is the type as I told him long before when I first knew of the bomb, I told him you will never be happy w/ anyone..until you realize what it takes to make your self happy.. <<I think he has some narcissit& BP characteristics>>
I told him to stop expecting others to *make* you happy....b/c they will only disappoint you everytime....
My oldest D and I were talking about OW (I can talk to her about some things). I told her that maybe daddy's big blowup w/ her this weekend was b/c she didnt want to "babysit" my two little ones while H went to the football game (clingy always wants to go w/ hi m everywhere). Oldest D said she didnt think thats why,but she didnt hear exactly what they were fighting about, only heard "real bad" words coming from daddy, like calling her a B****! Yep! That sounds like the good 'ol H....nothings changed..... do I realy want this manic???
So, hopefully some of what I wrote to him today sinks in...
if not maybe I can save some$ to start things rolling...
I think narcissistic hits the nail on the head. So, it's fine for him to have someone else, but you couldn't even consider dating without being a whore? Wow! Double standard.
I know you probably want to feel the connection of sex, but I think you did the right thing. He should be the one fighting to keep you, not expecting you to be his toy and available whenever he deems to grace you with his presence. You're better than that. Maybe he will get off the snide if he fears he'll lose you. Maybe he isn't worth it anyway? If he moved out of OW house and back to yours with his promises, could you trust him? Every time he went to "a game" or on some errand, would it be possible to trust that he wasn't getting some on the side from the OW?
Me
H came in last night w/ his ugly disgusted face on...he went directly towards the back porch and said he had to show me something..our lawn guy told him he had killed two tiny piosonous snakes and H showed me one of them..the guy said one was right at the back door. Was he concerned for us...whatever
The girls & I had just finished dinner (tacos) and there was one tortilla left..H helped himself by saying he was starving. As I was cleaning up and H was looking inside the refrigerator I handed some things to please put back in there for me and he said "what do I look like your maid?" (H still very upset from the earlier email convo)...I said "Oh yeah thats right you only do those things for your other wife"....then I left the kitchen..and let it be...not worth my time really..
After I gave teh kids ice cream and I started to eat my favorite Dove w/ brownie affair- he wanted a taste..(OW has him on a strict diet) he loved it and said oh well there goes my diet...I let him finish it...I was nice as can be even though he was being a total butthole...he wanted more and you would of thought ..my God are you having an orgasm?? He moaned and said "what is in here?" Is there actual little peices of brownies? Duh..yeah...
Anyhoo....that was my boring nite which he ruined by not taking the girls elsewhere,(on purpose) but I will need to see if I can GAL this weekend.....
Good morning everyone..how is everyone today?
I need to get a hold of $1800 to retain an attorney....
What for?
All is well for me, nothing new to report hence I am on chicki's post.
How are you doing my lady friend?
The other NICE personality of H Im'd this morning just to say he was about to leave out of town (one nighter this time) and for me to have a great day!
I responded w/ you too..enjoy!
I wish I had the $ to file for D.....I feel like this is the way I need to go..or else H will gladly keep me in limbo forever....
not 100% sure I want it,but only 50%...
Why now that I take his ofer to pay half of the fee, does he back off??
Hey Chicki,
Not slamming you here but H isn't keeping you in limbo, you are helping him keep you in limbo by being intimate with him! He makes empty promises, there is the intimacy thing but yet he cannot make a clear decision and he doesn't have to because you keep giving in to his wants.
Thats the first step. See where this leads. Of course if he runs back to OW and never looks back...file away. He is just leading you and probably her too, on.
See if any atty's will take a smaller retainer fee to get started and let you pay the balance after. I found several that understood the sitch and were willing to work with me if need be. How about a small loan? or Credit Card?
YE, the sex...which I "played along," the last time...its getting kinda old for me...hence my last R talk w/ him.....
The next two weeks he will be pretty much in & out on btrips...So usually when he is away and gone from both me & OW ..he tends to do his REAL thinking, which is why I said what I said before he left again...
He really needs this time alone to think...
And I feel like I cant wait much longer...
Seriously guys..if I had the $ right now..I would go file today....
Seriously Chicki, if u had the money? Really? Why file, just act as if u are, then its only a piece of paper as everyone keeps saying. Separate the emotional D from the Legal D as Homer says (not so eloquently I might add).
Just assume its over, stop giving him sex or anything else baby man "wants" to satisfy his juvenile needs. Let him pay for it if you are really at that point, how can this concept backfire. In fact it might even work.
Ok, now something about "those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones!"
C
I agree w/ waw and cva do the emotional thing, remember he walked away and not you, but you do need stay away.
Chicki,
I have printed this thread and will read through it. But I don't know when...
I will try and find some spare time tonight and/or Thur/Fri. Then Sat Sweetheart has scheduled a new dog visit first thing in the morning...so things mayget busy from there...I just don't know.
HUGS,
RCR