Well i knew my thread had locked but was waiting for something new & exciting to write about & for some reason I've the feeling here lately that H might be doing some seriuos thinking after I told him last week to hurry up & file before the agreement expire AGAIN. Even though D was not what I truly wanted I was getting to the point of givng up hope & detaching so well that I felt I was ready to move forward w/out him.
Ofcoarse all of this is easier said than done especially when he is no longer living w/ me. I really knew just how I felt last night when H & I were talking via IM. OFF SUBJETC BTW- how does one validate when most of your convos r via IM? I can understand when talking face to face & saying I hear you & you repeat it back,but what does one do when your READING the words?
Anywho, After he says he will not come over lastnight to see the girls b/c he does not feel well & explains he has had a headache all day & promblems w/ his blood pressure. I was worried for him b/c I knew he had driven the motorcycle to work. He says we have to talk. He has only said this now for the second time since 9 months ago. He hates to talk about our stich. Says allthis worrying about the house being behind and everything else (meaning us). I think Ow might be presuring him also(not for sure) to get the D. He asked if I wanted him to file. I said that he always says I have not changed and things will never be the same & I can't change his mind. I said your in love w/ soemone else & we can no longer be. He said no not completely??WTH? So he does not love her fully?? YEah right. He said he wants his kids. I told him he will see them on his visitations. H- Well fine is that what you want? We kept back & forth what do YOU want? Like he wants ME to make his descion. Then he said I want what is best for my kids. I asked do you still have feelings for me? He said I still care for you. I felt like calling him a PIG right there and then & saying so I am good enough to try & FU**,but you only CARE FOR ME!! I didn't though!
So it sounds like to me he only wants to be back for the kids....:( In one way I looked at this as a baby step b/c he no longer says the kids will be fine no matter what,but in the other sense I don't want him back for all the wrong reasons. I can also look at it in another way- if he is back it will give me a chance to DB & to fill his love tank!! Everyone here is always saying that it takes time for their love for us to come back fully & we have to show them the way.
Guys, I need your awesome advice here!! I honestly thought I was getting over him until this. I felt that knife jab in my heart AGAIN like the first time of the bomb!!!
I can see how this lifestyle is really taking a toll on his health. H was always very healthy & will not se the doc for anthing & now he has been to the ER (sent form his work) & he will be seeing the doc next week. I hope he is seeing what I had told him long ago that his promblem will not go away just b/c he gets another woman. His promblems will follow him wherever he new address is.
He talked to the girls for a while & then said he would be by tomorrow & will cont our talk. Last time we had a R talk he did not want to continue it any longer b/c he said it hurts too much to talk about.
Help!! I have to watch my words tonight!!
P.s. one more thing I also told him that I had stopped praying for most of all for our M ,but for first of all the salvation of his soul since I would like to see him UP there when the time comes. His response was well pray tonight that I make the right desicion. I guess this time he really IS making a descion once and for all.
Wish me luck tonight!!
More journaling:
I know H seems to be missing the "family home life" even though OW onhis turn w/ the girls seems to be trying really hard to fill my wifely duties. When H was home we would never all sit together at hte table, for one there isn't enough tables for five,but H did like to eat infron of the tv. At Ow house they all sit (big table) together and one of the girls usually does the grace hypocrites,OW? He is doing all the outings we stopped doing as a family along time ago, ex- zoo,movies,resturants. So he has built a lot of goood new "family" memories w/ OW.
In the past week H has complimented be more and more on my cooking. He knows I don't offer for him to eat w/ ius anymore,but lately he will taste some and make a good comment"your cooking is gettign better or can you beleive I've missed your cooking! The night before last on his ususal day to visit I think he was waiting for me to say he can sit down and make himself a plate after he tasted. He replied well I am not that hungry I had a big lunch that is still in the middle of my throat. He still served himself a plate and saw that D10 had finished and told her to move, he actually sat w/ all of us to eat and talk about his day.He was really in a good mood that day, he even told D10 to take her of mommy & she said why? B/c your the oldest now here an dits your job to. He leaned over and gave me a big kiss on the cheek (had been a while since that).
I still say things are peachy rosey over at OW b/c she does not have her daughter fulltime during the summer (which H had complained about her before). So things should return back to normal after shcool starts &OW gets her daughter back.
She must make good $ also (big factor for H, less $ to worry about).OW offered to help him in the house payments!! She is beign so goooood to him. How can he not be in love w/ her? It's been too long to still be in the infatuation phase, he said he's past that. So what gives?? I asked if he was going to take OW up on her offer to help w/ the house payments & he said no that is not her promblem it is btw you & me.
Hey chicki,
Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, but got busy for a little bit. I hope your night went well!
I think that you should still make sure that if H wants to come back (and you want him back), he needs to be 110% committed to facing and dealing with his anger and control issues. Until he does this, I don't think your R/M will get to a point where both of you can be happy. Yes, you will have to do the lion's share of the work in getting him back, and having him there would allow you to DB and fill his love tank, but I see a a fair amount of poor communication going at times, esp when H gets angry. I'd like to know your thoughts on all of this.
In the past week H has complimented be more and more on my cooking. He knows I don't offer for him to eat w/ ius anymore,but lately he will taste some and make a good comment"your cooking is gettign better or can you beleive I've missed your cooking!
This is great! I'm not sure what how to read his comment that he "still cares about you," but he might have left it at that because flat out saying "I love you" is opening a giant can of worms. He is checking out the picnic while staying very close to his castle.
He was really in a good mood that day, he even told D10 to take her of mommy & she said why? B/c your the oldest now here an dits your job to. He leaned over and gave me a big kiss on the cheek (had been a while since that).
Again, this is very good stuff (as well as the sitting down with you guys, eating and talking about his day). I would caution you to monitor these changes in him -- make sure he's not thinking quick fix. These kinds of things need to last, right?
She must make good $ also (big factor for H, less $ to worry about).OW offered to help him in the house payments!! She is beign so goooood to him. How can he not be in love w/ her? It's been too long to still be in the infatuation phase, he said he's past that. So what gives?? I asked if he was going to take OW up on her offer to help w/ the house payments & he said no that is not her promblem it is btw you & me.
Your pysching yourself out here. What gives is that he's now debating what he wants to do. You need to stay happy, upbeat, confident, calm, etc, and make yourself someone he would never want to leave. Remind him of the girl he fell in love with in the first place and what he's going to be missing out on if he decides to D. And bring your sexy back too!
GD
GD thanks again! I can always count on you to put things into perspective for me.
Well since last night was going to be the last night MIL was going to be in town H asked if he could just pick up the kids & take them over there to her and spend some time w/his mom. I said sure & thought for sure he will return late & agian no resolution to our R talk that we seem to start,but never finish.
So indeed he brought them back & put them to bed. I had on one of my sexy nighties that H has not seen me in in along time (I know tease,huh)?,but I had on my robe over it so he can see just enough but not all! Backing up a little- when he came in before putting the girls to bed I noticed him looking at one of "my girls" that was poking out of the robe ya know what I mean.... he was checking me out. When he returned to kiss me on the cheeck he leaned over and covered me up a little w/ my robe & said jokingly cover up please I dont want to see those things...
he he
God he looked the worse I have ever seen him... he really looked worn out/washed out I cant explain....
OH!! the most important part of the night!!! Before D10 & I went to sleep (she sleeps w/ me) she said daddy had all his clothes in his trunk????? D7 asked him why & he said b/c he wants to return home he misses home!! I am assuming he went home at lunch & took his stuff b/c yesturday he took a two hour lunch.
H is too full of pride to admit if anything is going wrong in his R w/ OW. I dont ask, but he wont say either. I know he has been taking about returning back for a while now & aslo attempting to have sex w/ me (but Ithink its to test the waters per say w/ me). How can he say he only "cares for me" & wants to have sex? I guess its the casual sex w/ out any feelings kinda thing....I feel like throwing that at him and calling him a PIG for it,, BUT I wont. I will do so here though!!PIG! PIG! PIG!!!!
Maybe they got into a huge fight? I dont know I dont want to disect or analize anything either.....
Chicki
We men are so simple. Not sure I get it. Do you want to have sex with him or not. Nightie says yes, Pig Pig Pig says dont touch me? If he put his clothes in the trunk and said what he said to an innocent, which is the wrong way to play it IMHO (using the kids maybe), he may very well be ready to come home. I think WAW said it right, men generally have no will power when it comes to women and sex. Having said that, I dont think it is as "casual" as you make it sound.
Again, men are really not that hard to understand on this topic. Yes, of course he will do this if you are offering but more than that, sounds like there is something here so keep playing hard to get, not "tease and no", that's not fair!
Just my 2 cents, toss it if it does not make sense / apply.
CVA
Chicki--
I agree: H may want to come home, but his pride may be getting in the way. Maybe now's the time, if he chooses to have another relationship talk, in person, just to lend a sympathetic ear. Your H always sounded like his sex drive would be the last thing to go, but he actually sounds pretty worn out and sick at this point. The OW is obviously not a totally successful experiment for him.
I sympathize with your angry feelings. Something's going to have to happen to turn those around, I'm guessing, before the two of you can really work things out. At some point--maybe not right now--you might even be able to tell him, calmly, that it hurts you to be told that he "cares" about you--instead of "ILY". But, as GD said, he may be just testing out the waters. He may be too stubborn to say the words.
Frankly, I think he does love you. I don't think it's love that the two of you lack. You and H (especially H) need to figure out some less stressful way to live together.
Yeah H even told the girls that he wants to move backin but mommy won't let him.
I guess the reason I say PIG is b/c most men on this board have adviced me from the beginning to stop giving him sex (before I kicked him out)b/c he was having sex w/ two women if I kept doing it he will not stop the affair, why should he when he is getting what he wants from TWO women! SO at the begining I was weak too. This was where we had not trouble in-sex department. I was always very sexual & he admitted that we were good there.
But I really wasn't trying to tease on purpose the other night b/c I had my robe on and normally I do not have my PJs on but it was late when he returned w/ the girls.
I did learn frromn all of this that H want me to experiment more sexually,something he never told me about but now says "I should have known"...hmmm don't you guys complain you aren't mind readers??? i know i am generalizing.... but my thing is has all the excitiment started to wear off now thats been 5 months living w/ her?
His affair was a strong EA first and I know they had a good freindship. So I have to build a freindship up since that is where we lacked (communication).
Chicki--
When the two of you finally get it together in the areas of love and communication, and respectful behavior, your sex life is going to be hotter than a pistol. That is, if your H hasn't half killed himself with the stress of living the wild, free life.
Once you feel sure of his love, and he feels sure of your love, the fact that YOU are experimenting is going to be a major turn on for both of you. I'd be ready to bet on it.
Your building the friendship up is just what needed to happen. Just keep working on that, and I'm sure he'll start to respond to you with friendship. He already sounds friendlier, and more considerate of you.
Hey chicki.....if he REALLY wanted to move back in the house with you and the kids....he would dump the skank and be done with it....but we KNOW it is not that easy. He is looking at the money aspect of things. YOU said so yourself, as far as money is concerned. Why should he give up relations with the dirty whore when he can butter you up with mediocre comments about your cooking and the peck to the cheek?
I know you said that his health is so-so but looking at your sitch......man....it is a give and take thing right now. You are gonna have to sit down and re-evaluate the WHOLE thing. Make a list, check it twice.....weigh the goods and the bads and see if anything....ANYTHING has truly changed, what has changed and what NEEDS to change.
Right now....to me...as a male....he's got his cake....and eating it with seconds at the other place......catch my drift?
FA,
Can you tell me how is he having cake? Yes only on two occasions since I kicked him out has he sat down to eat dinner w/ us. I have longed stopped giving him sex. If u read my old thread u would see how many times I had turnrd him down.
You would see how he is using the kids to get back in & has even told them mommy does not want me to move back in. I told him I thought it was too soon.
Keep him from cake eating is exactly what I am trying to do.
I have a question to all you DBrS-
I have been letting H take the kids for the weekends w/ him & OW,but a freind has put a doubt on my mind. She says I should stop making it easy for his affair lifestyle & tell him to make this legal if he wants to continue taking them. We r physically seperated but not LEGALLY so. It does hurt me when he takes them & plays family w/ OW,but then I feel gulty b/c he is still paying the house and the utilites. I know I dont HAVE to let him take them legally right now so now I dont know if I am doing right. The girls know its wrong for daddy to live w/ OW. So I feel like I am contradicting myself infront of them.
I think the only reason he told the girls he wants to come back is b/c he misses them. He is still driving around w/ his clothes in his trunk??? Maybe they have been fighting?
So I emailed him today & told him to just make our D agreemnet into a legal sep right now & file. I told him how he needed to notify his car ins of his new address and then I can change the locks & not have to be threaten of the electric again b/c it would be changed to my name. He said not happening he was not changing anything until after the D no need to get a legag seperation now.
Does anyone here not have a legal sep & also taking turns w/ the kids?
I think it is all a bunch of crap. I told you in the last post....he is having his cake....this is another FORM of having it and his fake, wannabe family is a sham. YOU need to get this paperwork going....you can and are still DBing but what he is doing and asking....or TELLING you...no S..blah, blah, blah....what a crock.....GET THE PAPERWORK STARTED AND SHOW THIS GUY SOME REALITY!!!!
So, FA,
Do I tell him he will no longer take the girls on the weekends until the papers r filed? I know he will hate me for this. He can get really I mean really mean and vengeful!!
Chicki
Do they stay w/ him and OW? That is just wrong IMO.
Chicki,
I've only read a little bit on your sitch, so excuse me for butting in, but have you asked yourself the basic questions of
1. do I still want this to work
2. if yes, will telling him not to take the kids to OW's going to help or hurt?
Is what he's doing wrong. Absolutely. Will telling him he can't take them to OW's totally sever the R?
Dunno, but I get the sense that you're conflicted on questions 1 and 2 and just trying to throw a little clarification there.
Good luck,
BD
Does anyone here not have a legal sep & also taking turns w/ the kids?
That's my sitch, chicki -- I'm leaving for a little while but will be back sometime (hopefully this evening or late tonight) to give you some feedback.
Luego!
GD
CVA,
Thanks for agreeing w/ me. I belive this saying what daddy is doing is wrong for him to live w/OW,but if I let them sleep over there its saying and doing another!! I know its a little late in the game ,but still confusing to them. I can see their confusion now. Also my grandfather believes this is also making it easier(cake eating as FA says) on him. I think the LRT is for me to go & file since he wont & either way he will have to make a descion.Its a chance I take but enough is enough.
still waiting tohear other opinions on this. I went to the family court system today to see about getting temporary sole custody & they dont do that! So I will seek an attorney next week,unless my H's message he left me 2nite is true. I kept the kids from him..I know some will disagree. I have no promblem him seeing them & visiting & taking them out ,but its only the sleepovers I dont agree w/. H kept calling and I ignored,but he never left a message until now. H said ok he will leave me alone & he will file this week and then the house will be sold & I will have to move out. I had emailed him yesturday that we needed to make this LEGAL once and for all since he wanted to "play house" w/ our kids and miss wanna be step mom. He also left on the message that he was taking (being sarcastic) his "other family" to Oralndo to the amusement park & she/OW was taking my ticket and was gonna be me for a day. Heck... I am use to it by now she has been "me" for god knows how long including his "islands honeymoon getaway".
Ya need to get the ball rolling.....he's being a jerk and like you said, and me too, enough is enough! Get an attorney and make sure you cover your ass....PERIOD!
Ok....first....nothing legal has been done so if you want to keep the kids home with you....you have every right to do so.
Second, I told you that you have to get some paperwork going....whether it is for a legal separation or filing for divorce.
Third, get everything in writing....list everything that is yours on paper...make a shopping list right now about the contents of your home.
Lastly....which should be first, seek legal counsel on everything.....use all avenues for a free consultation or whatever the state supplies for free...tell them you don't work...have nine fingers...WHATEVER...but get started on this. Don't sit on it....because it's obviously not going to get any better for you or the kids.
FA is right. You have to take charge and control over this now. If you want to see some action it is now up to you. If not, sit back and watch the show.
chiki,
sorry about your h acting like he is. i don't think it is a bad idea to talk to a lawyer at all, but prior to doing anything, ask yourself what heimlich said.
1. do you want this to work?
2. is what your doing going to bring yourself closer to your goal or farther away?
he is with ow and this is crap, and you need to set boundaries but i wouldn't file or encourage him at this point. by setting boundaries you don't have to punish him for his actions, but you can tell him in a kind voice, i don't agree with your behavior, but these are your choices. i'm not going to stop you, but i don't appreciate you taking our children while we are still married to ow's house. this is confusing for the kids and causes damage. just a suggestion but think of ways you can set boundaries without punishing him, ending up in a d if that is not what you want.
I agree with Atlas in a sense....but the point is we KNOW that everyone is wanting to save their M. That's why they are here!
Second, getting legal documentation is not punishing him....it is a boundry that she is setting.
FA,Atlas & trip thank you for your advice. Come Monday I am calling attorneys. I dont think H is really going to file at least not just yet. I do want to file BEFORE him seeing as how we have the agreement already signed by both but when I signed it I did not seek any attorney advice and I want to make sure he is not taking advantage.
Is this part of the LRT? I think I need to freshen up onthis chapter.
PS can he call the cops on me for not letting him take the girls? I mean i can say he does not live here. I dont know if that was his threat by saying if I dont let him take them he will need to involve "other" people.
I dont mind him visiting and taking them out but not for sleepovers.
The only legal thing you could do for not having take the kids and not having him have a word in on abpout it is if you got a restraining order....that is pretty huge and I know you don't want to go down the route but other than that, I would call a police dept and ask them that question....won't hurt anything.
MRHIGHSPEED would know probably on this./...let me see if he is around.
Is this part of the LRT? I think I need to freshen up onthis chapter.
No it's not, and I'm pretty sure Michele would not suggest it. This is something you do when you're sure that there is no hope left and you are ready to follow through with D once you file. It may get him to come to his senses, but if it doesn't you have to be ready and willing to live with your decision to file.
Hope you're doing okay, chicki! Are you coming to Orlando?
GD
Saturday H came over to pick up his motorcycle & Iguess she drove his truck back. He did not come in but as I came out to the garage while I was doing laundry he gave me the most evil look.
I just kept doing what I was doing and then went right back in the house. He closed the garage and left to my surprise I thought he was goign to take the girls!
He came over early sunday morning D10 & I were still in bed and the other two were running around the house. Before he left ( I was still in bed)he told me that the suggest I start finding me another health insurance b/c he was taking me off come Monday that he was no longer paying for mine. I had the covers over me & just said -ok. I was not up to fighting which is what he expected from me.
As dinner time came around I left H a voice message (knowing he would prolly bring them late) to let me know if I was feeding them or if he was giving them dinner. He did not return the call and by now it was the girls bedtime so I trashed the little left overs. He came in & oddly enough he seemed somewhat scared? Then tells me they did not want to eat & they wanted to eat here. Calmly I told him thats is why I left him the message now I had to see what to feed them. Did he expect a fight? Later the girls told me OW came w/ them (H aske her if she wanted to come) he has never brought her by. My mom says this is why he prolly brought her b/c he expected me to fight w/ him b/c he knew he did wrong in not feeding them & my mom wants me to document stuff like this. Not only was he late but he did not feed them either, I could of made a big fuss about it but I didn't.
So later that evening (feeling guilty again) I emailed him to his work email. Why do we LBSr's r the ones to feel guilty for standing our ground & making boundaries. Obviously cheaters have no boundaries thats why they can cheat their lives away. I need to be the R parent her dont I?
Anyhow, I wrote him that I understand the financial burden he is in & that at one time I was willing to let him come home & I would help as much I could w/ the bills. BUt that if that were to happen we would need to learn to love each other again. I reminded him that love is a choice. I agreed that we both had failed when it came to $. That I needed to know just exactly what he wanted from me.
Last night before I went to bed I noticed I had a missed call from him. He had called around 8pm and here it was two hours later. I texted him (knowing it was late & Ow was prolly home by now from school so he would not call back)I wrote that I had just now noticed he had called & that if it was urgent he can call back but it was late & if not I would talk to him tomorrow & to have a good night. H hardly ever calls anymore b/c we usually talk thru IM while at work everyday.
GD,
I dont know until prolly last minute if I will go to Orlando b/c mu check will be smaller than anticipated ,but I will try. I only live two hours away!
chicki
Can you email me your cell phone number at nomopo@hornfans.com? I need to pass it on to still so she can contact you re: our upcoming DB event. She's had to stay off the boards and email.
Thansk,
Nomo
I just emailed it to you!
H came over last night & even though FA says to feed H dinner is cake eating I just can't turn down food to someone who is hungry ( even if he is H who continues to hurt me). I was almost finished cooking when he came in and said he was starving and looking at the food like, are you gonna offer me some? I said well I made plenty help your self.
Backing up a bit: Earlier in the day yesturday I emailed H some things that were on my mind since last weekend was total drama. Since I told H no more sleep overs @ OW's w/ the girls & that if he wanted to do that to make this thing LEGAL once & for all to go & file. H was furious and said he would be filing this week.
The email was as follows:
Children need to have structure & boundaries. I know that people who have affairs have no boundaries to live by & that is why they can live their life day by day w/out a care of how it affects the ones close to them.Can you imagine if everyone in the world lived their lives w/out any boundaries? We have children invovled & someone has to be the responsible parent and set up boundaries. Just like your mother told you she will not stay over @ your place while you are still married b/c she does not condone, your children will not either until we are divorced.
You see my intentions are not to hurt you it is the boundadries within that my children will live by even though their father thinks it is perfectly normal to live this way. People in affairs justify their actions everyday to convince themselves this is the normal way w/out any morals.
I dont know if you have filed already or if this is what you really want. BUT if you honestly want to make things right and you still want to return home, then do it. Dont wait until the wekend or the next week, dont analize it anymore & just go for it. (the reason i told him this is b/c he was always saying he wants to return but he doesn't think I want him to come back) Wait any longer & it will be too late. ( i said this b/c I will see an attorney this Friday)
Like I said before I will not stand in your way if you still file.
Basically I want him to know the door is not completely shut yet. Just leaving it up to him now.
chicki,
That was very right on your part to send that to him. Children should not be pulled into that situation and he shouldn't even be trying that while there is no D.
So how are you dealing with the possibility of him filing for D? Are you ok with that? Are you trying to still work things out with him? Does he really seem like he wants the D or just saying that?
I got a call from the H yesterday at work to say that he has filed. I gave him the same line about not standing in his way but to also let him know that the door is not shut yet. I also called his mother to let her know because maybe once the D goes thru than H might start trying to bring OW around his family and children but she is a complete sleazy pig and I told my MIL what she is like because she will have to watch out for my kids on what pig my H is bringing around them. He still isn't saying anything right now to me or his parents about her but all of our friends know.
Thanks Kelley!
I try to watch my words to H b/c he takes everything to heart the bad way all the time.
I see your stich is still VERY new. I got the bomb back in 8/06,but denied any affair for many months after even when I found proof one month later. H wanted a D right away first & then a S,but I would not give it to him & said I was not going to sign anything just yet. H EA was going on for maybe two years (co worker) until I found out & I stopped having sex w/ him (my descion) & THEN is when I belive it became PA he could not understand why I would not have sex w/ him???
H had the D papers drafted and months went by & I did not sign & it expired? I found out many time they dont want the D,but will just have the papers drafted to "show" the Ow they are actively working on it!! WHen I was getting tired of waiting I said ok I will sign so he re did it oen month later I signed adn handed it to him by saying" her what you wanted now go & celebrate your freedonm w/ your woman"! I was in a PMA(faking of coarse) and al dolle dup ready to GAL (weekday mind you). This is when H had his first break down (crying) thought I was seeing somone else & said he did not want a D & why did I want to sign it so quickly now? The papers I have signed since May & he will not file says he will not get OW hopes up for nothing just yet.
My H is still confused. In a way I its good I kicked him out b/c he starting t o see the grass for its real color but in away I just dont know for sure....
We were just IM'ng & I asked if he had taken me off his health insurance like he said he would b/c Ineeded to fill my script today. He said no he only said that b/c I mad him mad on Friday regarding the girls. About the girls- at first he would always say- well at least I dont take them to her place like she wants ...well that did not last long & he started to take them over nights on his weekends. We are not even legally seperated. That is why this weekend I said no more sleepovers. He was furious.
Dont give up Kelley! He may file but it still not over. Let him live the REAL life w/ her..he'll see
Oh, another note to our last night interaction. After H ate dinner ,I had already cleaned the dishes and he actually cleaned his dish. Then he sat watching tv for a while and fell asleep. I kept doing my hcores left over from the weekend that I did not finish (ugh laundry) and let him be. Its funny my six yr old said daddy must be really tired he fell asleep. After he awoke when I had taken a shower & closed my bedroom door to change & put lotion on & to put my robe over my PJ's i came out he was getting ready to leave by taking a few of his spanish cds? I thought to myself oh is he going back to his roots? His woman is country & hence has learned to Love country music.
Before he left he said "thanks for the nap"?? So all in all he was very cordial & respectful ( a good change ,respect, is what a family member had noticed some time back).
It seems as though H has been doing some thinking regards to my last email about how if he still wishes to come back home that it is fine w/ me now.
The last few times he's come over he was very thinkative in his own little world. Last night after we all ate dinner I could tell he wanted to talk but it was getting late(his OW's clock time) & the girls were still not bathed. As he was leaving he said"dont be surprised if I move back soon" D6 was in the LR w/ me watching tv & he looked at her like we really cant get into a R talk right now,but still wanted me to know. I replied you know I said you can. H- yeah but its not that she(OW) is just(making hand signals of i dont know? when someone is getting on your nerves ? crazy?) and w/ a look of disgust. It was ther I noticed just how badly/depressed let himself go? no hair cut in a while? he looked. I did not ask any questions and jsut gave him a look of concerned.
Question- If he does move back say this weekend how to I act? Do I continue to act as if? Do I wait until he tells me what went wrong w/ OW? AND the all time BIGGY- Do I let him sleep in my same bed right away??
Please let me know...someone who has been thru this???
Chicki,
I have been in it from the other side although when I was out I was neither seeing nor living with the former OW. Intially she let me stay in the same room, then she wanted me in the guest room, then she wanted me back in bed, then she wanted me in the guest room.
Point here chicki is if he comes back and wants to talk about things, it would be best if you tell him, I am committed to working it out, but you have to give me time to readjust. We have been through alot of emotinal issues and we need to continue to excersise patientence and persurverance with each other.
In other words, if you want him in bed then bring him in, if you don't then relagate him to a guest room. If you try something and it doesn't feel right or isn't yeilding results then try something else. Hope this helps.
I think my H has been stringing me along I dont know why excatly but maybe b/c he knows that w/three tiny ones I can take him for everything he's got.
I finally had an attorney review the agreement papers H had me sign. The attroney opened my eyes! I did not know that I did not HAVE to swap claiming the kids for taxes every year b/c I am the primary caretaker & H does make a good amount more than I. This is what H had written up on the papers. Also, she told me that even though I had already signed & notorized it was not set in stone b/c the papers did not state that I waive my appearance in court. Therefore, if H tried to file before me w/ these papers he can do so,but all I have to do is tell the judge that I have changed my mind on some things since I signed it.
I thought maybe my H would tke meup on moving back in by this weekend but he din't (again like he said he would). So, I have decided I am not waiting any longer. AND even though I will continue foward w/ the D - I did a no no by DB standards I guess b/c I knew this would be my last time having sex w/ H. H came by to give me some $ and I kept calling him back for little things. I gave him "the look" which H knows that look plus he knows for soem reasion I have been really needy in that sense the past week. I guess knowing this was gonna be our "last time" I did not care if he was using me and then going back to her. He kept saying how he needed to go meet some people & I just gave him the look. He was pulling open my chest drawers & said good all of these aren't filled up yet & dont cuz I will be using them soon. I said yeah I am tired of hearing that u have said that for the past couple of months now & I dont belive it anymore.
He gae me a look kiss me on the forehead and then grabbed me like he was "doing me a favor". I said oh dont be giving me no pity sex either. Needless to say we did it. Call me the guy- no I am saying I dont feel bad b/c all I wanted was sex, alittle run in the hay for old times sake!
Afterwards I told him if he wants me to contiunue w/ hiring the attorney. He asked what I wanted frm him if I wanted him to move back in. I paused gave him a good long look "like well, no not if you dont want too!" I said I am no longer gonna live in limbo anymore. THen I showed him my attorneys business card & told him I needed his fininacial affadavit. He said if I wanted to file then go a head b/c he was not going to do it. He said fine blow your money on that & I replied that my grandfather was helping me. H knows I dont have the $ for it & therefore thats why I have not done a thing. I know he still prolly thinks I will not go thru w/ it. He will be surprised.
God what is it w/ these OW? WHat kind of wicked hold is it they have on our H's?????
chicki,
Sorry I did not get back sooner, it sounds like you are done and you have made up your mind that you deserve better than your husband! Good for you, you have made a choice for yourself and the kids! I wish you the best with this, and I am sorry to hear that it sounds like you and your H. have gotten into a flinching match! Who flinchs first, I understand your pain with knowing he has an OW and I don't blame you for being done with the relationship!
I just hope you and H. work out something good for the kids and your H. continues to fill his fatherly responsibilites. I also hope the OW is good mother figure since it seems she will probably be involved since he is so screwed up, I doubt he can do things on his own.
The grip they have whether it be OW or OM is the prey on peoples displeasure and try to show them how great it can be. They treat the other person like a first or second date, all affectionate and loving. You know all the things most of us have taken for granted for years. Because if we didn't in some form or another than why would we be here.
How are you doing, chicki?
H is still confused for the most part. Says I will never change. Why is it that they can only see that its us who needs changing & not them too? Well how do you tell them if you were home you would see the changes? I have done alot of growing, empotionally & spiritually, but he is still in denial..just when I thought he was through blaming me for everything, oh well....
One of my changes was I started to help him w/ the house payment ( even though I am pinching pennies). He is overwhelmed w/ bills which is why I dont require any child suppport only that he keeps paying the house (which is always behind). Doesnt beleive my new social life will last b/c according to him I was so antisocial.
Anyhoo, how are you? You & FA still an item??
chicki, from reading the earlier posts H seems to admire the OW for having dinner together and being out together as a family. These are the little steps you must take in order for H to see you again. Dont ask H to change, you must do it. Take the Ds out to the park, the zoo, mcdonalds. I can tell you are pinching your money but you need to loosen up a little. It seems like H is realizing the OW is different than you and thus cannot cope with being with her for too long. OW probably is strict about family values and doesnt feel that H should watch tv and have dinner. These are the things a M man cannot possibly change immediately since H is set in his own ways.
I dont think its a matter of admiration but a means of escape from all responsibilities. He started to complain about her the other day saying her & I are so alike in that we seem to know what is best for him & I stopped him mid stream & said in a calm manner to not compare me w/ that woman. I was surprised he did not say anything else. H was always oen to run from resposibilities when the tough gets going. But a while ago I thought maybe he was starting to see the light (maybe just trying to keep me hanging though)when before he left he said well I guess I will go back to bieng miserable meaning going back to her place. Hes been looking real down & maybe he can see now that no one person can make you happy.
I emailed my lawyer to ask what the cost is to file for full custody for the kids. Lawyer says to call her later today.H wants to take them for the weekends to her place & I dont want that. So if its cheaper to file for custody than to file for D right at this moment I will do that.
H really has no right, pays no child support & has not lived here in the past five months.
chicki, I know H should not compare OW to you. People are different in many ways that's why we are unique. I would suggest that H should respect your decision to NOT take the kids around OW since you all are still M. This will create more problems than anything else. The kids should not be between the R H has with OW, not yet - it is too soon for all this drama.
You can find out about a restraining order for OW but for you to have full custody when there isnt a D then there is a problem. H still has all the legal right to take kids anywhere but if you feel that the kids well-being would potentially be jeopordized by being around OW, then do the restraining order.
Thank you MMH for all your feedback & advice I really do appreciate it.
H was mad b/c I wouldn't let him take the girls for sleeop over fo rthe weekend. Saturday while we were out he came over & took his tv thats was in the family room & took soem more of his clothes. So, I thought I waould "help" him & I took out the rest of his stuff from our bedroom closet & put it in the family room (his room). I know he will not like this but jeesh the man has not lived w/ us for how long now? H e wont file D & he wont get ALL his stuff out either! H thinks by taking the cable box & the extra tv he has "revenge". This man has become so horrible he use not be so revengeful but he did have tendnecies.
I texted him that even tough he may find ways to jsutify his adultress lifestyle that did not make it right or any better & that I he should not bring our girsl down with him.
I know I am no longer considered a true "new commer" for I have been at this for eight months,but evryday there is w a new drama to challenge & this forum has been so helpful.
I hope evryone had a good weekend w/out any drama fron your SO!
That is being so MEAN. I am not like that with my W, and she's the one who now has the EA. I know how you feel and you are holding on. What has you done lately to feel comfortable and GAL?
I have not done much GALng at least not bymyself or w/ my freinds. The girls and I did get out this weekend w/ people from my mother's church to a river. That was fun for the girls for they r like fishes in the water.
Now that I dont let him take the girls on the weekends its hard for me to GAL on my own. Do you do much og GALng?
I have been pondering about whether or not to do something.....
I was thinking if H continues to be mean or get worse than I should go down to IRS & file for child support. What do you think? OR should I just warn him how I can really get mean if he does not respect me. I dont want to "rock" the boat per say b/c the $ situation for the both of us is really bad right now.
Chicki, the thing is whenever you push H into doing things that seems to be taking the children away from him. H will want to do more things to you in order to deprive you of material items. Its kinda like tug of war. You do unto to him, he does unto you and its never ending. Let it be.
As for me, I was thinking I should go out alone and be free but if you read my post (its more like an online diary) you will see what I have been experiencing. If I go GALng then I think it would damage what is currently being rebuilt. The process is slow and I am patient but W is somewhat coming around. Perhaps, W just want to be nice to me. I dont know for sure, the Chicago trip will prove if she is or not.
I do go to church on weekend and I take a walk at the mall with D. Besides that I dont drink any alcohol and tries hard to stay away from chat rooms.
H thinks me not wanting the kids to do sleepovers is my way of getting back at him, hmmm NO. I eamiled him that he still must be in a state fo DENIAL because this is not revenge it is called BOUNDARIES & when my kids are involved believe me I will enforce boundaries. He can justify his adultry all he wants but it still does not make it right. He thinks the courts will frown on me for doing this b/c the kids want to sleep over & its what they want that matters. I said really? Since when do parents let their 6&7yrs old make all the decsion? I guess when it benefits their dad. I told him they dont know what is right for them & that is why they have parents to guide. Since I am the only R parent now I will do that. I told him he also needed to read about boundaries b/c he needs some in his life too.
He cam over last night & saw I was cooking his favrite mahi but I was trying a new recipe. Even thoufgh he came in in a foul mood cursing and all, I was calm & kept my cool. I kept cooking & even asked him for his opinion on some things since he is the pro cook. He seemed interested in tasting it so I gave him a try. He raved about it & told the kids hmm, your mommy is really getting good at this, she must have a date coming over tonight. He looked at my roses (I bought on purpose) per someone's advice & he asked if they were from my BF. Mind u I have no BF. But it feels good to see a hint of jelousy every now & then.
Then he asked the girls if I cook all the time or only when he comes over?? Fishing to see if I cook only for him? Well the girls told him the truth that yes I do cook all the time.
I asked him if he was eating (sometimes he waits for my offer & other times he dives right in) & said yes but only a little. Well, he served himself several times & that made me feel good since he use to critize my cooking before & one time he said how OW cooks better even than him. Of course I reminded him he said that before & he suddenly got a stroke of amnesia, what no I never said that?
I have been reading alot here how having sex w/ your STBX keeps you connected AND so we did it AGAIN before he left. This time I tried not to even analize & just went w/ it. At first I didn't think it was leading to anything but some passionate kissing thats all. I haev also read that if one feels fine afterwards like no regret or feelign used then it is OK to do it, esp if you think it will keep you close. Well thast why I did ti. Funny I was not even horny like I was the last time. He just knew how to take his sweet ol time and be passionate.
Call it tired or what I was ready to just get him off & get it over w/ & when I told him he was taking to long he said b/c he waiting on me & also it felt so good he did not want to rush it. That was odd for usually he is in a rush b/c he is on OW' time table. Now I know about the time she gets out of her class for one day he had the phone on him & he was running later than ususal to leave the house & she called him. I gave him a symbol of a dog on a leash and just had to laugh. I know he is getting tired of that. H likes his freedom and this woman won't let him pee by himself!
Chicki, that sounds great to have roses and such and for H to have tons of questions.
Chicki,
Keep up the good work. Keep him thinking there is another man. They will ask and even push you on one. Mine did until the very end. Sex is good as you know in my sitch. Passionate kissing is good too, mine wouldn't he wanted to not feel connected in that way. Said it was alwaysyou just good sex. Didn't want to be with me. You don't need to lie about the OM just keep up what you are doing and if he asks just say you don' want to talk about it.
Good luck.
S
Thanks!! Thats is good come back I hadn't thought of that, instead I ignored his other BF remarks still wanting him to think there might be one.
OH another thing I forgot to mention!! When he got on our bed which btw is only a few months new, it kept sqeaking & H commented on why is it making all that noise I must be using the hell out of it!! he he he I got a new bedroom set (gorgeous) just before he left. The bed has the poles on it & H knows I can get freaky!!
Chicki, thats some major step forward (sex). I know for sure H's thinking of what he did lastnight while sleeping with OW. I bet he dreamt of you all night. I know for sure if my W gives in to the sex thing it would be the same as you described - just jump into it.
You are doing quite well it seems and for there to be such passion means a lot. Hopefully, H comes to his senses (the ones in his upper head) and not thinking with his lower head.
Keep it up!!!
That means a lot to hear from a mans perspective!!!!
Do you think if we continue it will cause confusion (the good kind)?
I knew if I came over here,.....SEX again. Ahhhhhh!
chicki, it will defintately cause a lot of confusion, H will be balancing the scales. The more romantic and intimate the sexual relationship is the more drawn H will be to you. In all, the R will be rebuilding and H has nothing to lose since he will have both you and the kids.
All H has to lose at the moment is the R with OW since he probably isnt an integral factor in OW's R with her kids.
Keep it up!!!
thank you again MMH!
Its funny you say that baout her kid because one time when he was opening up to me about her(complaning) he said he could not stand her D10. I was surprised never had I heard H talk like that about a child! I said oh well just give it time, she will grow on you. He said no that she was a big spoiled brat.
My D10 enlightened me further on just how much of a spoiled brat she is. D10 tolod me sometimes OW d10 will tell H what to do- like "H go get me this" or do that, & when H wont he will tell her she can get up herself then she will whine & tell OW on H!!
Boy she really does sound spoiled. I am thinking when school starts things will start to get more REAL since OW d will be home fulltime and getting on H's nerves. RIght now OW D is at her grandma's and all is well in paradise.
I said oh well just give it time, she will grow on you. He said no that she was a big spoiled brat.
chicki, OW wont like this attitude. I am telling you from experience this creates more problems than anything good. My W already said so about EAs kids. EAW told me this when I called her a few weeks ago. EAW said Ea wont like this since he adores his children. I saying the same thing I wont appreciate any OM mistreating my child just for the sake of loving my W.
I have experience this in my teen years as to my parents are divorce and my mom OM didnt like me. I dont care for his a** either, therefore, I stayed away from visiting my mom as much as possible.
Now I am wondering though if he is taking my advice to really try to connect w/ her daughter b/c he took OUR D10 motorcycle helmet to OW's!!!!! So now he is riding around w/ her daughter on his bike!!! Nice QT!! Him & I could never ride together /c no one could watch the kids an dnow he rides w/ OW all the time AND her kid!!!
Let me stop before my positve attitude goes away...
he also stated he felt bad to haev those feelihngs towards her D10 b/c she (OW) treats our kids soooooo good.
LOL. Keep the positive attitude up!!! Sometimes I get so too but then I do something else different. BTW, I tried to send you an IM and you box is overfilled.
Cant H buy OWD a helmet? Tell your D dont let H take her helmet to OWD so she can use it. Thats not good. You should go bike riding with D then, see if H would join you all one day.
MMH,
How does one get IM here? I went to my profile for messages & nothing appears? I dont know how to work it I guess.
Go to my stuff and see if messages are there.
I went to my stuff & messages but nothing appears & I clicked check all messages, nothing!
Send one to me, probably some settings are off 'user is over private topic limit' thats the error Im getting to send to you.
I suppose I am going to have to play w/ this until I get it b/c I tried sending your private message & it told me the same thing-this user is over thier private topic limit.
I think someone said earlier that the PM'ing/IM'ing doesn't work on this site...
Got it, chicki hows the positive attitude coming on this afternoon?
So, so...
H & I were IMng earlier & since tonight is his regular visit he wants to take them for school shopping & asked what they need. Every year he takes them to their first day of school. So he asked if he was taking them again & I said sure this means so much to you why not. So he tried to say if he have them spend the night but did say how I dont want that so maybe come by early Monday morning to pick them up. I said yes come by early for them.
I will look my best tonight. On his last visit I had no bra on (TMI)? and when we wer kissing he made a comment about that. So who knows maybe I'll put on something see through (he he). I will make sure my kichen smells good of that spanish cooking he likes so much! At least I do have oen up on OW (my spanish cooking).
Hows all with you? BTW, what state r u in? I am from Florida.
Missouri, Im good. Im in a fantastic mood and have been doing quite well this week, I look fwd for the wknd.
Oh yeah, no bra is a turn on. I know for sure I do see the things I would like to see but I make no comments. Thats great you into Spanish cooking, myself I make most dinners with my traditional cultural cooking. I seldom make American dinners.
I agree you should look you best perhaps you will get a peck on your cheeks for starters and there it will all begin.
Keep on Iming. IM about anything and everything to H.
Last night H came for his regular visit & to take the girls to Walmart for school shopping & guess who HAD to be waiting for him there...?OW. God does she ever leave him alone? He cant even spend his visits ALONE with his kids!!! I dont know but I would of thought H wold be tired of her constant clinginess by now!!!
Today via IM I will mention this. I willno t be mean or anything but I will tell him how I enjoy my time alone, one on one w/ the girls and why arent you "allowed" to do the same?he he j/k... I am glad I didn't show up to Walmart as I thought about doing!
See this is what I need a little LOL to brighten up my day. Geeze for real, why is OW clinging on like lint? It seems that OW dont trust H to be around W for lenghty periods of time.
She's a control freak and nobody likes a control freak. If she has to go to such great lengths to secure him, maybe she's not so sure of him? Also, he may be scared of her.
bar
Seems to me H is scared of OW. If I was H, I am sure I cant deal with her clingingness (is that a word?). I would fear much from her since its possible OW may go to extreme lenghts to find out if H is for real.
Yeah, I also thought H is scared to upset her in a any way. i think also b/c he is living for free w/ her & he mentioned once that she was asking for him to help her out until he told her of all his/our debts.
But in all seriousnesss who wants a R out of fear?that would be exhausting to me.
In our earlier IM convo I told him from the get go I did not want argue, but dont you ever just want some alone time w/ your kids? Will she "allow" that? I said I sure do enjoy my one on one time w/ them. His response- F*** you. I know he loves his kids to death but he is to busy playing the good behavior toher all the time & sooon that will die.
I stopped writing back & again told him I did not want to argue.
I know for sure I would not want one of those kinds of R. Well its good you told H you dont want to argue. Funny, I do the same thing too. Coincidentally, I get the same f*** you answer at times. Why are the they so angry? Why all the tension?
Positive attitude, chicki, positive attitude.
We dont need to blow our tops.
Well, according to my ex...it's still all my fault and why am I "so cryptic" about everything.
Right on, chicki. I wouldn't write back either. He isn't being respectful and you have set up that boundary.
Thats what I get too, "its all your fault..." I said problems are created by 2 people For every action, there is a reaction whether it maybe positive/negative. We tend to look more at negatives than anything else in our lives. As a result, we find faults. We tend to overlook all the positives in life.
Does anyone awake and say to him/herself, what a beautiful day it is, I feel so alive? Instead, we say its Monday and back to work, wah wah wah. Or we would say not another day with the spouse with his/her b***** mood.
I've learned there is no point explaining or reasoning. They don't want to hear that. It doesn't validate their pov and that's all they care about. Just agree with them most of the time.
I should say it'll be a while before they're prepared to listen.
As for 'f*** you' well I drew a line about that phrase some time ago. It was usually uttered if I made a demand or was even slightly critical. Now I think carefully before I speak and sometimes it's best not to say anything.
bar
Yeah Trip!
Can you beleive he was so on a roll that even when I stopped writing back he kept coming back and back w/ more insults and more meaness. He said I want this D NOW! So get it done. I put my away message and then he became more irritated. Finally after i gave him time to cool off I returned but I still worte NOTHING up until I signed off to leave from work. When I did return he wrote - good your back now I can continue then he waited I guess for me to respond or react like my old self would (in a mean way),but like I said I dint bother either way. So he got tired of waiting and said I wasnt worht his energy & time, WHATEVER!
I think all of this came about prolly b/c I mentioned I was asked to go to the football game tonight & of course I alredy knew he was taking OW to use our season ticket seats,but I did not make a fuss. He said good you will meet her & I will meet your date make sure you stay away from my seats! He as upset that I said "someone" asked me to go & said that I can never give him a name, whatever again!
I am relaxing in my home w/ my girls and just loving being lazy w/ out my H nagging me b/c he had a promblem w/ me not doing any chores 24/7. I was not able to sit down, only the king was allowed.
Put your feet up chicki and chill. You are getting to him, believe me. Stay cool!
bar
Your H is an idiot the days of SHM are over, women need to do more to be as competitive as men. I would rather work for a female boss than a male one since female tends to prioritize things more than men. I had worked for a female boss before and no problem doing so.
But its cool for you to relax chicki - you really deserve that. I gave W her hair cut allowance and its up to her to go do that. I know she has been working really hard about getting her own place but I dont ask her crap about her financial situation anymore. Rather she tells me. I said if you need anything just let me know but I ensure that we all have enough to eat at all times especially when you have a D this young.
BTW, we had family time tonight after I returned from church and I really appreciated that. W looked forward for me to do so.
MMH keep going to church belive me only HE can keep you going by givng you the strength you need to deal w/ this rollercoaster.
Well, H came over early this morning to pick up the girls. I was in the kitchen and he came up behind me and you know started the feely touchy and greeted me w/ some more passionate kisses. I cant remember him being so passionate before especailly in the kissing department! I think you might be right about how he prolly went to bed the other night thinking about our sexual encounter!!
So I decided to change things up by stop playing hard to get so much. When he greeted me I started to feel sorry for him for he had a look of sadness and like he was about to cry. As he was making out w/ me in teh kitchen I told him I was not sure b/c of maybe where "its been this morning". H- really I dont know what about your date last night? He had tons of questions regarding that. I tried to make it vague and he said "I knew youu weren't goign to the game yuo lied". I said no I was indeed asked to go, H- by who? A guy I met at so & so party. H- OH Is she setting you up now? H- oh no you better not be seeign anyone (not in a mean way)
Nevrtheless, we had sex again!he he he he. Remeber I am doing things he was complaining I didn't do before and he made a comment that I must be starting to enjoy it now... & how he needs to come over more often..
As he was leaving w/ teh girls he asked me what my plans were for the day? He never asks that & told me to behave.... I told him I was going to have some "me alone time" & he gave me a sad face and said yeah, I would like some alone time from you know who...I gave him a smirk and laughed and he told me not to say anything...he he he (short leash)
Before he left he gave me a big hug & another passionate kiss & said "you better be good"(meaning stay away from the men....
He is coming over early in the morning to take the girls to their first day of school.
chicki, congrats your alone time is working for you. I knew it!!! Keep on doing this, its working in your favor and the more you do the better it will be. You didnt go out the other night eventhough H thought you did and you had him thinking of you. I am sure the other night he thought so much of you.
Lastnight, I was h**** and I was thinking of my W and I went to sleep, damn!!! I need to be intimate but my W wont let go, she playing hard to get but make comments like stop watching p***.
I told her to come watch it with me - LOL.
Thanks MMHA! At least I think!! WHat I dont want to happen is that I become the OW w/ the sex thing. Once someoen here said it sounded like my H's OW and I reversed roles and that H was treating me like the OW & her like the wife. Is that good? I want the full marriage deal though. I want to be the wife AND the lover!
Since I know H has still has doubts of the potential OM in my life, b/c he mentioned that I never give "him" a name-I emailed him this morning: I wrote that Jared(OM) did tell me that I can go w/ him to any of the football games and that I was thinking about going to the next. I dont know if this will backfire on me,but I am hoping that w/ a name that he may realize how easly I can move on if I wanted too.
He returned the email by writing- oh we r on first name basis now? WTH? and said for me to enjoy my games.... so its hard to tell over email just how he feels...
The thing is H is finding you not as the OW but as a new GF, this is great. Does the potential OM exists? I agree that you want to be the W and L. Take you time, dont rush it. Patience. You will see how he reacts to 'Jared' whenever you see him again but dont bring up the name.
There is a "Jared", an old "fling" from long ago but we have stayed FREINDS. He called me up not too long ago. What a small world, he is at the final stage of his D. But no the footballgame is part of the act as if i am moving along GALng.
He sent me a few IM regarding finances and said BTW say hello to Jared. I ignored that comment and did not acknowledged it.
We have 72hrs before we foreclose!!! H asked if I had any $? No duh, I gave you my car payment! If I had $ I would gladly help... Please pray we can by some grand miracle come up w/ the $.
Not good, foreclosing on the home. Ouch, I will say a prayer for you. Where will you go?
I dreamt of a very very old fling lastnight. A middle school fling I may add. I was asking her if she was still M and if she cared to have a R with me. Then I awake and said, 'what the hell.'
But old flings arent good either, it would be better with a new fling or make H becomes the newest fling. Only if H lightens up and comes to his senses.
Yesturday my H in our IMng tells me i have to sign & notarize some papers for the house 7 he hsa to fed ex back by wednesday morning. H says he will coem by his regular Tuesday night to drop them off. I told him how am I suppose to get them notarized at & at night when u get home???? UH DUH....(h thinking....)I told him to meet me last night at the girls ballet. Can u beleive this man?? He complains he has to GO OUT OF HIS WAY & get into traffic!!!! I told him HELLO this is important & I cant make miracles & have it signed in one night for you. H NAGGED & WHINNED so much b/c he he said he ought to have me go all the way downtown (other side fr my work) since HE is the one who had to get the loan & not me so I will pick up the form from his work. Finally, I said FINE! I am tired of your complaining. I dont want ANOTHER notch on my belt of soemthing ELSE 4 u to whine about, I will go to your work tomorrow when I get there b/c I will have to get up at the crack of dawn to get off early. After all of that anxiety (drama can u beleive he said - no. I want to see my girls 2nite I will see u there. I told him what timethey will get out & I thought he would be late, "oh no I will make it by 6:20 (it ends at 6:30). Hmmm......the girsl wanted to eata snack after the class so we went to a table underneath a tree since ther is no eating in the academy. H calls(he is late by then). I had not heard the phone ring the two other times he called. H- I have been caling 4 the past half hour (LIE). ME- no u haven't as I knew I was on the phone half hour ago. H asked y we were at the table, so far away from the academy (yeah right 5 min walking distance) & what was I hiding, y couldnt they eat at my car. H was pissy made a comment about how the girls prolly have met my BF- Jared their new stepfather. I ignored his comments. THEN..... as we were walkign back and I was rushing the girls (had a tons of stuff to do,homework, etc) H was acting like he was going run over me!!! He really got close to my feet....anyhooo He said yeah your mother is in a rush b/c her BF.
You see usually its him who is in a rush (O/W timetable), but the differnce is I am use to it. I dont get angry about it and lash out. He was truly behaving like a little kid.
My mother like me doesn't understand it. She asked me why is it he will not file the D papers. She said he like a dog, if he does not like his food he will not eat it, but will not let other dogs eat it also!! In otherwords he will not coem back,but does not want me w/ another man also!
So true. That's what I dont get. You try to do something new and you get negative feedbacks. Your H is finding so much excuses. H needs to work on this and the R will be rebuilding, make a note of this situation. H should make every effort to be there for the girls. That is something I now do, I make D important and a priortity over anything else.
Since W dont want to go to dinner with me on Fridays, D and I go alone and I treat my D as my date. How nice!
My W changed her display name on her email as if to make a statement. But still her signature shows her married name - wtf! Positive attitutde J positive attitude J.
No drama last night thank God. I blocked him from my IM yesturday b/c I was not in any mood to argue over stupid s***. So, I had hoped you prolly understood I was avoiding him.
I made something easy and quick for dinner- cuban sandwhiches for the girls and & I. I sat down to eat & did not offer H any since here lately he turns it down (on a health kick right now). He asked if I mad him one and I said no w/ your healthy ways and all didn't think u wanted any. So I made him one.
He took the girls out for icecream and they sat at the park to eat it( new for him maybe taking my advice on how alone time /w kids is so much fun 4 me).
When they returned I was in my bedroom ironing and H made a comment on how I obviously been "wearing the hell out of the bed" b/c its new and it squeaks so much. H even looked underneath the bed! He said it did not squeak when he use to sleep in it. I said I didnt think he go to the chance to sleep in it before he left (weird what he DOES remember)!
After H left the girls told me how they ALL told him how they wanted him to move back. I told them that he prolly thinks I put them up to that. H asked the girls to state the reasons why he should return. D10 said a few reasons but the last one was the one that got me & I am sure it got to H- she said b/c I want to be a REAL family!!I aske her what daddy said to that & she said he jsut took adouble look at her & told them that if he does he wants them to keep there rooms clean & for mommy and him to not argue so much and that mommy would have to start to cook healthy (he's having a lot of cholesterol & health issues)& that would mean we would ALL have to eat healthy.
He aslo told them that it would mean he would no longer see OW and no more mentioning her name & would you guys be ok w/ that?
They said yes. I told him next time he mentions would they be ok with that, they need to say we want mommy as our mom not OW! Can u beleive the question? Does he serouisly think they want her over me?? WTH?
Damn, its true the Ds should not even be asked a question as such. As if OW is 'new' mommy. Yeah Ds should say, 'we want to have our mommy to be our forever mommy and no other one...' But calm down, H will be thinking deeply of this and the Ds will get to him. Good one, you made some progress.
As for the healthy eating, yes your H need to be eating grilled foods and salads. I will be making W caesar salad for dinner. The rotissiere comes in handy to make grill boneless chicken breasts for the salad. J is now eating healthy more than ever. Thanks to the W.
Hi Chicki, no S*x talk from you lately, what am I gonna focus on?
Oh, ok, that was a rhetorical question. DBing of course!
C
CVA,
You always make me laugh!! You put a smile in morning this morning, thanks!
I am sure your all too familiar with the tug-of-war these WAW/WAH do all too often. Just when there is some connections, they realize they might be gettign too close for comfort and start to pull away.
How have you been doing lately? I need to cacth up on your thread.
I am IMng with H now and when told him I couldn't help him /w the electric bill until my next check he went bipolar on me. THe summer bill for daycare kills me everytime and H makes 30grand more than I do,but yet expects me to make miracles happen w/ my $. H has alwasy put off the mortagae b/c his needs(sports events,die casts,material things come first) I had wrote him that if I had someone to watch the girls I wuld prolly get a pizza delivery job. He said how he did that when singel for 6 months and it wasnt worth the wear and tear on car plus the gas, & not to mention the danger you put your self in,but he didnt care if I died for he would get the girls!
My response-Just b/c u have someone to fall back on & a future babysitter it wont matter to u if I die today,but you will reap what you sowed. I told him I was in no mood to argue today.
I said I wouldnt mind dying for I had no fear of it b/c I knew that I was going to a better palce than this.I cant wait till HE comes for us!
I told him I was NOT the enemy here but I guess thats hard for you to see when you have teamed up w/ another entirely different team.
Positive attitude chicki. You all sound just like W and I. Yesterday, W got a new webcam I guess so OM can see how sexy she is. I saw it this morning and I knew she prolly thought I was gonna say something but I said I looked so handsome in my work clothes prolly I need to take pics and she didnt say anything.
Look at my profile, you can contact me but I wont be able to respond right away unless. I can post my work addy here and then delete the thread in a few mins. Let me know.
H & I had a very lengthy IM talk this morning. He wants me to admit that " I am sleeping w/ other men and bringing them into our bedroom". He says once I do that then he will let me go. I said really? So I have to lie in order to get you to do it.
He said he will be traveling (I'm sure another honeymoon w/ OW) this week & he wanted the kids for the weekend. I said no b/c my grandfather is leaving wants to spend time w/ them.
H was calling me a whore b/c of the way the bed squeaks. I asid you r the one w/ the affair & I AM THE WHORE? HE said most likely I have more than one & he only has one.
I said if you hate me so much then go ahead & file. The house payment is not due until October so u have one month break and so go do it. Told me to have "Jared" pay for me to file. I sadi well you when I told u to have your woman help u w/ the $, u said if she is gonna pay for the house she might as well live in our house. So, now I say to you this is not his D it is our D.
I said you can call me any name u want. U will not bring me down. U would like for me to see someone else in order to ease your guilt. He said he has no guilt and only wanted peace in his life and to live w/out any headaches. He only wants to be happy and all he needs is to be w/this kids. He needs no other woman to cook and clean and iron for him b/c he can do that better than any other woman.
I said no guilt? NICE! That means if u were (if not too late and leave OW) to come back u would be doing the same thing goign from woman to woman b/c youi haev no guilt. U can justify and dfeel entitled all u want,but all u cheaters can sugar coat it but there is no Justification whatsoever.
I said, you may have peace & quiet right now b/c you dont have a house full of screaming kids.BUT the only true peace comes from the ONE who defines peace. So u will continue w/ your void and pursue of "peace" by RUNNING. You can run, but only to find a new set of promblems and your old ones just might tag along for the ride!
At the end he said hew would see me in court and I said YIPEE! ITS a date!LOL!
Ummm
You go girl! (very white guy sounding cool?)
H sounds just like my W, seems like you and I both had our weekly dose of reality. This stinks! At least, W didnt tell me that she didnt love me etc etc this time around.
chicki, Positive attitude.
CVA,
ITs funny u say WHITE GUY b/c H also said that I prolly have "my WHITE GUY" doing everything for me. Ya see we r hispanics. My response was - R U talking from experince b/c your WHITE girls is sure jumping to your beck & call especially since she wants to be married so badly she takes another womans' scraps.
The only "good?" thing I got out of this entire convo was the fact is the way he worded this -"then I can LET YOU GO" like he is "holding on"?????
Dont know.... will not analize anymore b/c it gives me a headache!
CVA,
ITs funny u say WHITE GUY b/c H also said that I prolly have "my WHITE GUY" doing everything for me. Ya see we r hispanics. My response was - R U talking from experince b/c your WHITE girls is sure jumping to your beck & call especially since she wants to be married so badly she takes another womans' scraps.
The only "good?" thing I got out of this entire convo was the fact is the way he worded this -"then I can LET YOU GO" like he is "holding on"?????
Dont know.... will not analize anymore b/c it gives me a headache!
chicki, I thought u were Anglo too didnt know u were Raza (beaner as how Mencias would say. I, myself, is hispanic. Nosotros somos en un gran cagado sin limpiar facil - LOL.
Hey I luv Mencia!!! I am half Filipino & other PR! From what country r U? I can speak spanish fluently. Mothers from PR & dad from the Phillipines.
Y me lo dices,mijo!! Una gran mielda.
I am from Belize. Somewhere different but been in US for a long time. Spanish is so romantic. It seems you have a great cultural background. I was wondering why you said you liked cooking Spanish dishes, now I know.
W, D and I will be spending family time. We will be doing something as a family today, hopefully all goes well.
Have a great weekend.
No spanish! Not fair! I go to all these places and hate it when people talk in different languages when I am standing right there. Its usually the french canadians who do it!
Chicki, any hot blooded spanish talk for us today?
Signed, getting desparate!
Jk
C
CVA (aka) desperate,
I got more you-know-what today!!!! H came over unexpectedly. He surprised me(scared me) when I heard the garage door slam shut. H said- what did u think I was your BF?
He pushed me on the bed and started to play w/ me and AGAIN the passionate kisses. The girls came in and we were laying side by side when he began to talk about his work and the wonderful progress hes been doing. This week he's having a food show & they r putting him in a hotel at the place. I did some backsliding guys. I jsut couldn't keep my big mouth shut about OW! I said oh what does she say about that? (i knew she would have a promblem w/ it. She is suffucating him. He said she doesn't like it. I said why not its your job! he said I know. We touched a little about her (as always I try to pry and see if he says anything about thier R) I know my bad. H said it isnt like he tought it would be at all. I told him yeah but she got to you big time in here-I touched his heart.He shook his head no. I said don't say that b/c she must of really got to u in order 4 u to break up the family the way u did.I was calm in my tone.
When we began to fool around I made a (stupid) comment. I said well, she didnt give u any this morning? Didnt u say once she wakes u up the way u like? He was geting pissy at this and said y must I bring her up? I said well u are living with her and it is the truth! He said no she is out of town this weekend.
As he was taking my top off he asked who has been playing w/ the girls? I said no one. Sure! This time I can say it was not just hot stormy sex, it was truly making love! It was very nice.
Anyways, like I said 4 some reason today I culdn't seem to keep my big mouth shut about certain things. As he was leaving and looking 4 things in the garage I made another stupid comment. I said so, thats y u came by, I get her scraps when she is gone....
H- u see that is y I dont like coming here. I tried to difuse it by changing the subject and getting slapping his butt and playing it down. I noticed he had his stereo (in his trunk) covered & asked why he use to never do that before. He mentioned "oh yeah thats another reason I dont like it over there, I dont like the neighberhood (YES! another plus).
Before he got in his truck he asked what *I* was doing tomorrow? usually he just asked if can get the kids, but I guess I didnt answer quickly enough and he kept asking. I finally said I dont know. He kissed me goodbye & said he will call me tomorrow.
I hope my big mouth didnt set me back too much. I tend to be very sarcastic and he couldnt stand that. He prolly thinks if he were to come back I will keep bringing her up like this, like I do now.
MMH,
So u r from Belize? Nice. I haven't met anyone from there.
I hope you have a good weekend too.
chicki, yes I am, I was living in Houston for a very long time. Now I am in the mid west. I do agree, when you are about to get some its best to be quiet. I will post my wknd experiences on Monday while I have more time to do so. My wknd, so far so good.
cva, a little espanol doesnt hurt.
What's spanish for cold shower (me) apparently not you!
Last I was feeling a little down and ASSuming/doubting that my H REALY has a business trip & not another "honeymmon" w/ OW.I was letting it get to me. So I wanted H to have me in his mind & I decided to be a little naugty adn I texted him a message that maybe if he wanted I can meet him at his hotel(in town, BTW) and we can get "freaky" for he knows what hotels do to me...I told him I will give him the time of his life like never before.
Sunday I was alarmed by H's freind who cuts our lawn.I was in the backyard cleaning out the pool (big,but not an underground) so I can put it away in the garage. Besides the naughty text message I (sacastically) said "thanks 4 letting me know your grass guy was coming b/c I was brawless in the backyard"!
Well, H just called me at work and asked me if I was laying out in the backyard topless! I said no. H- oh I see you had a shirt on,but no braw? yes...
Anyhoo, he gets to chit chat about other things (our misundertanding of him picking up the girls yesturday).said he rode his motorcycle all day (ALONE no OW).
M-Oh she let you go by yourself?
H- I do what I ant you know?
M- Well, u use to never go anywhere w/out her.
H- Well, things have changed, I dont care anymore(????).
I do what I want.
H- THis whole weekend I spent it bymyself and at my dad's. My dad is depressed and I stayed there I had too many beers w/ him. He talked about the good spanish home cooked meal he had overthere that he misses(hmmmmmm).
NOW heres the kicker- I am gonna try to not get my hopes up toooo much.....this is how the convo went:
H- I have realized somethings...
M- oh yeah what is that?
H- your right it is my fault
M- (silence)
H- the promblem lies within me, but I dont want to say too much b/c you will only throw it back in my face!
M- no maybe the old me,but not anymore
H- I dont know if I am staying at the hotel
M- why will u miss her too much(i know bad of me)
H- see there u go again, no I will miss YOU too much?????
<insert- why would he miss me? We arent living together?
M- (pause) <I made no comment regarding that>
<insert- I kinda wish he would stay at the hotel as seeing some alone time away from OW always does him good and gets him thinking about US.
M- (I changed the subject)my granfather is leaving next Saturday and so heres your chance to do your step family thing again w/ her. I might take them to Orlando.but not sure yet. If I do you can have the girls over night.
H- What step family thing?
M- You know you take them everywhere, the zoo, etc w/ HER.
H- Nope. not anymore I dont. This will be my alone time daddy & the girls time /w no one else (sure well see).
M- well ok
H- OK I might call tongiht or tomorrow...to tlak to the girls
M- Ok talk to you later.
cva, 'Ducha Fria'
chicki, Great Progress!!! Keep it up and yes, dont throw things in his face, H is owning up to his faults which is good.
I told my W that I admit to all I have to done her and I am facing my guilts as a man.
Keep positive and try not to bring up old stories/fights. Keep going forward, you probably are crossing that bridge and for sure do some more alone time, let H take care of the girls. The more he does this the more he will come to you.
Good luck.
MMH,
Thanks. I really need to keep my big moths hut. I need to make this a priority.My promblem is wear my heart on my sleeve too much.
Yes! I do beleive this is a major beraking (baby step) for H! H is truly MACHO in every sense of the word. His pride has always gotten in the way. So him fessing up or starting to see his own faults in BIG! I know God is working BEHING THE SCENCES even though we do not SEE it. I pray GOd every night that he soften his heart.
That is so good you told your wife that. True humility is one great turn on IMO. I am sure your wife will see it that way too.
You keep the good work. I am sure in no time your wife will see your constant changes and williness to make it work.
Hey Chicki,
Do the elastic band thingy that Lissie was talking about on another thread. Before you open your mouth twang an elastic band that you have on your wrist to make you think twice about what you are about to say. Apparently after a while it becomes second nature to think about what you are going to say - or even keeps you quiet.
Just a thought
Saffie
chicki, my W still dont believe what I am doing but I cant let this bother me. I keep on going and going. W knows I am willing to make it work from the night I stayed out til 3 AM made her think who the hell I was with and most important SOBER. I told her that I did this for my own reasons that I know if I chose not to drink I wont drink.
W says that I have a big EGO about all this since my online EA (dont have any, no more chatting for me) told me that I am handsome and that is what is getting to my head. Shame on her! W should be the one to tell me so and tell me how great I look in my work clothes etc etc. It seems like W is still being insecure regardless of what she says. W does show this from time to time.
I do pray God can tender W's heart too and bring her into the light but with her doing her online courses its taking her away from OM. This is a GOOD thing, this is what I anticipated and prayed for. I am here for her and I ensure she spends all her time doing her online courses.
Like I said, I can only go one day at a time.
Saffie, thanks I will have to try that.I am willing to do anything takes.
How are things with you?
Nothing new to comment as of yet today.
If anyone is need of a good laugh today go to the JUST FOR FUN forum under RUDE JOKES. It sure put a smile on my face this morning!!
Hope all u DBrs have an awesome day today!!!
I sent H an email this morning (still no reply,this I knew).
It went like this:
I want you to know that whatever it is you feel in your heart to talk to me about, I am here to listen without judging. That was the old me. I am ready to close this ugly chapter from our lives.I am ready to move on and grow from this.
I want to have a family again with or without you. I know sometimes I sound all high and mighty. I know I am far from it, but HE is making the changes in me everyday to be a better person. HE is given me strength to face a new day. I beleive HE is preparing me for a new chapter in my life.
If you dont make a choice, I will have to make it for you. I will do what I need to do. I will not let $ be an obstacle anymore.
Have a nice day.
Im keeping a positive attitude today. Nothing new to report on my end too, my thread I posted today doesnt contain much.
WOW, that is excellent. If I was ur H I would be wowing and thinking what am I about to say that can be beneficial to both of us. Am I thinking I should reconcile with my W or face the lonely road? Decisions, decisions, that was very lovely of you to do so chicki, I would hope you get a positive answer.
Good luck and God Bless. Keep the positive attitude.
CVA- are you still on about cold showers? (Try some ice cubes.)
'Ducha Fria'
For sure. Nothing works.
I have figured out I am such a dog it is hopeless. Just grit my teeth and well, you know...
Hi Chicki!
I am such a dog? What a load of dog's b******* as we say here. You are not hopeless and it is not hopeless. Get that straight now.
chin up
MMH,
Thank you. The thing with emails is that sometimes you cant tell what the tone is. So, I was hoping it didnt come out in a bad tone, like mean or bossy.
By this time he has not responded and he prolly wont. Tuesdays is his normal day to visit the girls but he wasn't sure if he would b/c of the foodshow he is at.
I guess today I feel a little inpatient and I know I have to keep in mind- if he returns it will not be when *I* want him to,but when the sweet one up above decides so.
Hey Bar
Just referring to my out of control, teenager like hormones which never seem to stop! My PMA is good.
Hi again Chicki!
hey CVA!
Boy it sure sounds like it has been way too long for you, huh?
H is busy all this week at a food show so not sure if I will get any action this week. Right now I am feeling a little inpatient w/ the whole stich. My one year mark of knowing of the A is coming up.
Be patient.
And yes. Once you get on a roll talking about this stuff, you gotta stop or it rules every thought!
Be patient of the thing you can't control. You've got a chance chicki to have a week to yourself and pamper yourself.
Nearly 9 months since I found out about the A. Milestones? Feels like they're hung round our necks.
CVA - glad your PMA is well up.
Be patient. Take your time, it has to sink in, it dont happend this minute.
My hormones dont rage anymore - LOL. They are they are!!!