I never had a problem with age until this birthday. The big #60 was fast approaching and I was not dealing with it very well. My marriage of 41 years was dull, boring, sexless, and none of my emotional needs were being met. My H never was one to communicate...just wanted to watch tv all the time....no hobbies, recreaction.....nothing for fun...nothing...period... and after the first 25 years, I finally gave up. I still tried to find things to fill the void in my life just as I always had befoe, but then I got Fibromyalgia and the stuff I went through with it would be a story within itself. However, the thing is this....out of boredom and lonliness I turned to playing games on the internet and those where you can chat with the person you play with. Then I began to flirt with them. What harm could it do? They were on the other side of the world and I would never see them. It was fun and I began to feel sexual excitment. Did I mention that H and I had not had sex in eleven years? Repeat....11 years! Finally I turned to a chat room that was really a "sex" web site. I got a email account that H would not know about....at least I thought he wouldn't find out. So, I began to have several men to respond to my profile that I placed on the web and the erotic chat was very exciting to me. I had always been the "good girl" when I was a teen and then the very "proper" Christian wife for over 40 years. This new "sin" that I discovered was so thrilling and I found out that I was not frigid because I could respond to the erotic chat. I also had a web cam and I began to show myself to these men. One thing led to another until I would be embarrased to tell what I did. Anyway, H found the IM messages and was able to access everything that I had said. So, you know what hit the fan. After the talk he gave me, I was a good little girl and went to the computer and deleted all my contacts. Except one. Somehow, he was able to contact me when I went on line the next night. I secretly continued to communicate with him. A relationship quickly developed to a deeeper level. We have never met in real life, but he declares his love for me and wants to set up a meeting. H found out and is demanding I end the on line relationship. H wants to work things out in our marriage even though he feels like I have committed adulty (in my heart). I feel confussed. I am drained emtionally and physically. I don't know if I want to continue the marriage or if I will ever want to have sex with H again. I tell myself that I have the "grass is greener" syndrome, but I can't help but wonder if that is my once in a lifetime chance at true hapiness. I have communicated with the OM almost every day for 8 months and he has told me everything about himself and I have "tested" him several ways and he always passes. My H even investigated him over the internet and could not find anything bad on him. I am going through the wanting to "flight" and yet I don't want to hurt H. He is a good man, but I don't feel in love with him. He is not highly motivated at all about anything. He does not provide a very high standard of living (because of his lack of motivation) whereas the OM makes a very good living. I just don't know what to do. I am afraid if I leave it will destroy H. I can't seem to bring myself to tell OM goodbye....I tried about three times and always go back to him (on line). I waited for about 4 month after H found out about the OM for him to approach me to talk. I don't know why, he never has began a conversation before, except when he told me he knew about the OM. So, I broke my vow to myself and asked him if he wanted to talk and see if we could resolve some issues. The thing is that I have just got to the place that I am willing...."to be willing" to talk to H. That has been an accomplishment, but it is not good enough for H. He wants me to say that I want our marriage to work more than anything on earth and he says I am too negative about it. I don't show the "energy" (if you can believe that) that he wants to see put into it. Tonight, I told him that was the best I could do. Any advice would be appreciated. I know all the horror stories about meetings over the internet, etc., so please do go there. I know all the dangers, etc. I just need advice about the M and the R.
Hi sandi2,
Welcome. I'm really glad you found this website and forum. Do you have the book Divorce Remedy yet? It is the newer version of Divorce Busting.
I'm sorry you were so unhappy with your M for so long. But, I'm glad you are at a place where you could help change that.
What is it you feel like you need or want in your life right now? And what do you feel you want from your M or your H at this time?
sandi,
Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm completely new to this as well so I well refrain from advice. Read the posts, they are an eye opener, and the books everyone is talking about, I'm waiting by the mailbox, should help.
Hand in there and don't give up!
Thank you for responding. I have not read the book but was thinking about ordering it. I have already read so many on M. I can't honestly say what I want right now. I am confused and torn. I know I can't make a life with H as long as I hold on to the OM. At the same time I am scared to death to tell the OM good-bye. I know it is wrong to continue to communicate with OM, but he seems like my soul mate. Gosh, I have heard others say things like this and click my tongue in disgust at their stupidy. I consider myself to be a bright person, but I am not acting like it. My emotions are on a roller coaster. In the mornings I resolve to try to work on my marriage...and by night I don't have the desire to even look at my H. I appreciate the fact anyone would take the time just to talk to me and lend a friendly hand. I need someone to talk to me. I am so unhappy from years of noncommunication. We have been emotionally divorced for decades now. He wants to work it out, but I don't know if I have the energy left to do that. I don't know if I love him. I just don't know much of anything right now. Please keep talking to me.
Thank you so much. It would be fine if you want to say anything to me. I guess I need to hear what anyone would say....if I agreed or not. Most of what I have read has been men going through MLC, but it was me in our case. Getting older, loosing my youth and looks, not to mention my health as well. It all has taken a toll on me. I am a little old to consider an affair, but that is what I am doing. I have never been with another man before or since my H. I know I am in crises. I am reaching out to anyone that will offer to help. Thanks.
Hey sandi.....I guess you could call me one of the oldtimers here....been here a while......
What is it that you feel for your H?...Hate? Regret? Disgust?
Hi, well, at some point maybe I have felt almost all the emotions except hate. I don't think I have ever felt that. It is just so easy to put all the blame on him right now, but I have to admit that he is not all to blame. I had the EA. I had the cybersex. He has always tried to tune out anything that he did not want to believe or accept. To other people, he appears to be next to a saint. That makes me the bad guy with our grown children, the church, people in general. So, I feel a lot of resentment toward him. I have a "turned-off" feeling about him in every category. I am having problems respecting him in the area of his work...or I should say lack of work. We are in serious debt that I blame him for. He blames me for being frigid all our married life. So, we are blaming each other. However, I own up to my mistakes and have admitted them to him. He, on the other hand, finds it very difficult to admit he was wrong about anything. We have tried to talk some this week, but don't think we've gained any ground. I would appreciate your comments. Thanks. Oh, and don't hesitate to ask anything.
Sandi,
You may want to talk to AmyC in separated. She has been through an mlc of her own.
Women can not love two men at the same time. Loving one will prevent you from having the right feelings for the one you have a history with. Trying to "eat cake" will cost you both men in the end.
Your feelings about your life with your H may originate from some legitimate concerns. These concerns need to be dealt with in another manner. The true odds of you being happy with the OM in two years (after your H will no longer speak your name) are minimal, but you may learn to live with your choices since you can't go back home.
People will tell you about someone they know that took a chance and never looked back. You will want to believe it is your calling. The only way to find out is to go for it. The only way to turn your back on everything that was ever important in your life is to go for it. The only way to find out it is a terrible mistake that can not be undone is to go for it.
The overwhelming amount of published works on mlc use great detail to explain your addiction. The excitement and addiction to the attention you are getting is no different than the addiction to a narcotic. Your brain is producing a chemical reaction to the experience and you are addicted to it. You do need to understand this. You do need to consider non emotional facts as you consider destroying your life and multiple family ties you have not discussed. This addiction runs its course. It leaves you more depressed in time, than you are now.
But you already know you will never forgive yourself for not taking this one time shot. You already know if you cut off OM cold turkey for good, you will think about him every day and never forgive yourself for trying. Well, in time you will never forgive yourself for abandoning your M this way, but the only way to find out is to go for it ... and I believe you will.
I think you developed such a negative view of your life and your H's role in it that you believe you will die if you don't go for it. You have come to the wrong place if you are hoping for support in leaving. You see, most of us have had someone destroy our lives and we were probably viewed just as boring as your H. But we loved our W unconditionally. We could have forgiven almost anything and worked through it all if only we would have been allowed.
It is a tough road we all travel isn't it. In the end we are defined by our actions.
Please tell me more. I need someone to talk straight to me. I have not made any decisions at all. I can take whatever you dish out to me. I need it. Please respond.
Thank you. I tried to find AmyC, but guess I don't know how. Can you tell her how to find me or how I can find her? Thanks.
I found your story and read it. I nearly hated your H for doing that to you and especially while you were pregnant. I guess I am no better than he is, though.
I don't want support in leaving my H for the OM. That is why I said I need someone to talk straight to me. I was the last person on earth that thought I would ever look at OM or do the things I have. What you said about my addition made a lot of sense. I need to be talked to like that and would appreciate it if you would talk again.
I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster and don't trust myself to make like long decisions right now. Whatever I decide, someone will be hurt. What a mess I have allowed to come into my life.
How are things going for you now? Please let me hear from you.
I wish I could just tell you to stop this and love your husband but it is just not that easy. I know because I have been there. I had a MLC and at one point another man was involved. By the time 3+ years of MLC had ransacked my family and I woke up to look at the destruction mostly caused by my own hand, it was too late. But I found this board and my faith again and I've stood for over 18 months now. Finally, sometimes, I see the mountain moving. What it has taken me a long time to understand is that these "other people" are just symptoms of the real issues. Issues that lie in ourselves and our marriages.
You are not bad.
You were lonely, vulnerable and neglected.
Your husband's burden in your story is massive.
But it was your actions that blew the lid off.
And it was you that found this board and let me tell you, you know that saying "to whom much is given, much will be required"? Well, you just got handed a huge tool when you found this board and the courage to post here. But now the real work will begin and it's going to begin when you turn that finger around that is pointing at your husband and instead, it points at you. You are the only person whose actions you are responsible for, the only person in your life that you CAN change. Boredom will be nowhere to be found, trust me. But there is a TREMENDOUS amount of pain involved in everything that falls under the heading of "Divorce Busting". In my experience, the first thing that has to be "busted" is the wall of BS we've been spoon-feeding ourselves for years. If you can get through that part, and I believe you can because I KNOW how hard it was for you to write that first post and await the responses. I REMEMBER. It is hard to come to a place like this and say (in a manner of speaking) "I'm like the ones that hurt all of you...".
You have what it takes for this fight even though you don't even know if you WANT to fight...
There is a stumbling block in your immediate path and it is the thing that concerns me the most.
This online "friend".
Sweetheart, he exists primarily in your mind.
There's not a man alive on this earth that could ever live up to the image you HAVE CREATED based on the information you have about him. I guarantee it. I GUARANTEE it. He is a myth. He's not your Knight in shining armor, he's not Prince charming and there IS NO riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after. How could there be, with your broken family standing there behind you? He made you feel the things your husband had ceased to because he allowed himself to become complacent about himself, you and the marriage. THAT'S where the answers are. They're not online. They're not with that man. He is not your man.
At this point, your logic is all that is screaming for help.
It is not your heart.
But your heart can be turned back to your husband.
If I am nothing else, I am proof of that.
Your journey forward is going to have to start with an honest look back, from your husband's point of view.
Pray about it.
God will show you.
AmyC
Hey, FA.
I asked you a question after you posted on my thread...
Enlighten me.
Sandi
Glad I did not turn you away from the forum. The fact that you are looking for direction shows you know your moral compass is failing you. The other thing that comes to my mind is that you may not be as completely mlc as you think.
When we learn more about mlc we learn about the deep seated roots that begin in troubled childhoods. The roots grow slowly but strongly into suppressed low self esteem. The low self esteem finally blooms into a newly emerged super ego that must change everything that was, into something different.
When this happens to someone and lives are destroyed, it is easy to classify this "life stage transition" as a crisis ... mlc. Psychologists such as Karl Jung have published books the size of tree trunks on the subject of life stages and the transitions between them. No offense intended, but I do not believe you are in the middle of a life stage transition, unless it is a very retarded one. By that, please understand the meaning of my words were chosen carefully not to offend. By retarded, I totally mean "delayed". It is possible.
More likely, over time you have become so totally disconnected and detached in your M that you now feel it is dead and beyond changing to meet your emotional needs. This is different from what we often call mlc. It would more closely fit the WAW as described in Michelle's
WAW article .
Still, you are faced with the same outcome as someone in mlc. You need something in your life that creates passion for you. The most common source is a connection to the opposite sex. It does not have to be that way. Further, the source of your passion does not have to come from outside the M. Your ability to understand your concerns and compartmentalize your issues into individual tasks allows you to work on them one at a time.
There are books you may want to consider just to pass some time and inject additional concepts into your busy, confuse mind. Knowledge is power and you need many new tools at your disposal in this battle. Take time to read all you can. It will provide you a great deal of release to understand more dynamics behind the emotions you face.
A very very popular release in recent years by Gail Sheehy is "Breaking Point". It was an instant best seller. When my mlc XW was reading this I pointed out there were no happy endings for the husbands in the book. She left the room. Actually, there was one ... and the book seemed to paint the woman that went back to her H as a failure for not casting everything aside to explore the wide world of unknown passions.
One that was never written as a self help book comes from the years ago. Erica Jong wrote "Fear of Flying" in hopes of ... oh hell, who knows. Was she trying to be bold, meaningful, or just unique. I don't know that she even knew what she was trying to do. As I understand it, the thinking was that is was a biography of her jet set lifestyle. Certain facts were not factual, like the ending where things appeared to be working out for her. That is not the ending her life realized. Still, I think you would take away some deeper understanding than most that may read this title. One of my XW's IC suggested it to her. I gave her mine after reading it, but I don't think she ever opened it.
What the book did in fact do, was encourage an incredible number of women to leave their M. I don't think they read the whole book. It was easy to loose interest before finishing.
On the self help aisle I suggest you try to gain some understanding from the other side. Think about reading one of the titles "we" are familiar with. The most significant of these for you would be one that is dated, out of print, but usually available on Amazon ... one copy at a time. "Understanding Midlife Crisis" by Peter O'Conner is factual and informative regarding the actual mlc. It teaches there are no bad guys, just bad situations that were born of years of preprogramming. There are many others, but I am more familiar with "Hope for the Separated" by Chapman; and "When the one you love wants to leave" by Harvey. Another popular title is Surviving Your Husbands MLC by the late Sally Conway. You could benefit from learning how your actions are interpreted by your H or others.
Some very wise folks I think a lot of have gained insight from "Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal" by Shirley Glass. It is on my very long To Read list.
If you are still reading, I have one last book. I saved it on purpose. It is hard for the LBS to read. Another suggested book from one of the XW's IC. It explains the pressures facing the MLCer although they don't call it that. This author is a female who approaches life for people who are living In The Meantime. "In The Meantime:Finding yourself and the love you want" by VanZant tells the reader your life is like a multi story home and you are stuck in the cluttered basement. To live a full rewarding life, you have housecleaning to do. Of course part of that is giving yourself over to the external callings such as the affair. So if you are looking for an abstract explanation of what you may be confronted with, this may actually be useful as the concepts are solid if not scary to the LBS.
There are many many books for working on the M. First, you need to decide how you plan to proceed with your life. In or Out of the M.
AmyC, Thank you so very much for your honesty. God, but I need you to talk to me more. I need to hear everything. I don't know your story, but I gather you lost your H or walked away. Did you have an EA? or PA? I know my M doesn't stand a chance if I don't let go of OM. Right now I don't feel the strength to do that. How did you do it?
Thank You so much. I just need all anyone wants to throw my direction right now.
AmyC, how do I begin to start having positive feelings toward my H? I can't imagine ever being intimate with him again? He is so good and yet I feel so turned off by him. Some days I want to run away from my entire family. The OM makes very, very good money and when you don't have any and every problem around you seems to be caused by lack of money...well, the temptation to run to the OM gets big.
The OM makes very, very good money and when you don't have any and every problem around you seems to be caused by lack of money...well, the temptation to run to the OM gets big.
I read through your whole post and the advice you have been given. I felt great sympathy for you while reading your opening post. I can understand why you feel the way you do from the description you gave. I also admire you for reaching out for help. I wish my Wife would have done the same before she walked out on me. She had her reasons as well, some valid, some not. I am from the other side of the fence, my wife left me for OM.
It's has been a while. My anger, anxiety, sadness, sense of failure, guilt, and lack of self-worth have dissipated and I am able to look at my situation and others objectively now. There really are no bad people in all of this. None of us want to hurt each other. I'm at a better place in my life now and visit this board for continued heeling, support, comradery, and to try and help others where possible. I deeply loved my wife a one time and just about walked through fire to save our marriage. I can tell you, it was pure hell to go through. I was never offered the opportunity to reconcile with me wife despite my best efforts. I no longer have a desire to save my marriage and wish my stbx all the best. I have grown and discovered some things about myself through this experience. I've walked through hell and didn't let the devil catch me. I remain positive about my future and harbor no bad feelings.
The only advice I can offer from my perspective is to please be positive of your decision if you do leave your husband, There is a great likelihood that he won't be there for you if things don't work out with OM. Are you prepared to live and be happy on your own? Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck.
AmyC, how do I begin to start having positive feelings toward my H? I can't imagine ever being intimate with him again? He is so good and yet I feel so turned off by him. Some days I want to run away from my entire family. The OM makes very, very good money and when you don't have any and every problem around you seems to be caused by lack of money...well, the temptation to run to the OM gets big.
sandi, lack of money is not the problem so om's money won't solve it. And there's that...it's om's money. It'll never be yours no matter how much he says he wants to share it with you.
It will be
blood money.
Get away from om.
STOP COMMUNICATING with him ALL TOGETHER.
The goal here is not to instantly be attracted to your husband again. I've already told you, look at yourself, INTO yourself. Try it through your husband's eyes and maybe you can get some understanding as to just why HE is the way HE is.
The biggest turnaround for me came in the middle of my bedroom floor one night after I came out of MLC. Every night for two weeks I was there. Crying and praying. Sometimes just laying there devastated. I began to see things, our life, through my husbands eyes. I saw how I had contributed to the failure of our marriage, OUR financial problems, our eventual drifting apart. I came to realize I'd never really been a good wife. I'd taken care of the kids and the house but not him. Not him very well at all. I'd never been a real partner. I hadn't worked and therefore the entire financial burden had fallen on him. We had bought a little house on an acre of land that he push mowed for 3 years straight and I never so much as took him a glass of ice water. We were together but the division that existed had become clear to me. I had developed a sick false sense of entitlement, too. So even before MLC, I was far from a good wife. When the MLC hit, I was atrocious. I was adulterous, self-righteous, blamed my husband's drinking for every single thing...It took me having to go through quite a hellish journey before I realized the level of stress my husband had been under for years. He gave me everything as best he could and I spit in his face for the most part. After the MLC and in the growth period since, I have changed, grown up, owned up. In the midst of it all my heart found it's way back to my husband, who at one point I would cringe at thought of touching.
Look at yourself, sandi.
That's where the problem YOU have to deal with lies.
I don't care how big of a bump on a log your husband has become, you are his wife.
You helped create what he is today.You are not a victim.
AmyC, thank you again and again, because I have read you letter several times today. I know everything you say is the truth. I can't imagine having to go through this hell for 3 years. It is horrible. Did you get back with your H? That is my biggest fear, that I will leave and then regret my decision and my H will never take me back. He has told me if I leave there will be no coming back home again. I am so afraid. I have always been a strong person until all this happened. I was the one that would council others and now I can't seem to make a decision as to what to do. Thank you for your patience with me and please keep talking to me. You seem to know exactly what is going on....because you've been there. You are right, to be intimate with my H is the last thing I want right now and yet I am afraid to walk away. Some days I think I will go crazy if I can't get away from my H for just a few days. I want "space" to be alone so badly, but I know he will not agree to that.
I know I need to look at myself....inside myself, but I'm not sure I know how. I can admit to my mistakes and being a bad wife. I went for years that I would try to do better and make our marriage work. I know I am repeating myself, but I am having difficulty digging up enough "emotional energy" to do what I need to do.
Do you have advise as to how I can get through this MLC faster or put an end to it? Does it seem strange that someone my age (60) would be going through this now?
I sound so sickening. I turn my own stomach. I know you just gave me a entire list of advice and here I am asking for more.
Thank you for your post. I read it several times. Maybe I am not truely in MLC, I just don't know. As far as the things rooted in childhood, I came from a good home, but I always seem to have self-esteem problems. Not being intimate with my husband the past decade did not help at all with that issue. However, the thing I beat myself up over was the fact that I knew in my heart that if I had went to him (made the first move) to have sex, he would have done it. Why could I not do that? That was what I kept asking myself. If I really loved him, why could I not make a move toward him? Because I did not really want to have sex! There were times I needed the closeness, but I did not want the sex. So, I began to doubt my love for H.
When the OM came alone and fed my ego, it was like a drug that I kept going back for more and more. I am so afraid of an unhappy future with H and yet I am afraid to walk away and take a chance with OM. I'm a mess.
Hey guys, what is the longest you have known anyone to be married that got divorced? Just curious.
Amy, read your letter to me ....again. When you said you were in your bedroom crying when you came our of your MLC ...it sounds like it happened all at once. Can you expound on that a little more for me? Thanks.
Sorry, read it incorrectly. You said "after" the MLC. OK
Just wanted to let you know that I ordered the DR book and am downloading the tapes Michelle offers. So I'm trying. As Amy told me, my heart is not in it, but I have to go by logic right now.
That is a good start.
Also consider getting "The 5 Love Languages".
I think that book will help you a lot, as well.
I will check in on you tomorrow.
Sandi, not much to add but just wanted to say how very happy I am that you have found this site, how brave you are to post here and what wonderful advice you are getting from Was2Sad and Amy. Two very insightful people so please continue to listen.
I think that at some point, for this to work with your H, you will need to make an absolute decision to commit to making it work. No more waffling. Can't keep OM on the back burner just in case. You will need to end it with him and end it forever. You will need to take ownership for your part in this and apologize up and down for it. You will need to try and meet his needs...only then will your needs be met. You must give in order to receive....but receive you will. In our Rs we affect each other. If you are positive and loving around him, he will respond and be the same around you. We feed off each other...good and bad. For a long time, that has been negative for you...but you can make a decision to flip the switch and make it positive. It's a choice.
Hey guys, what is the longest you have known anyone to be married that got divorced? Just curious.
I work for an attorney and I have handled divorces of couples married over 25 years.
How devastating for their grandchildren, whose parents have to explain that Grandma and Grandpa stayed together all until
they were grown but "
then they got a divorce so now we'll have to juggle and go to two places for Christmas and two places every Easter and hey, your birthday parties might be awkward for a few years, too, but what the hell, nothing lasts forever! Sorry kids."
How devastating for their grandchildren, whose parents have to explain that Grandma and Grandpa stayed together all until they were grown but "then they got a divorce so now we'll have to juggle and go to two places for Christmas and two places every Easter and hey, your birthday parties might be awkward for a few years, too, but what the hell, nothing lasts forever! Sorry kids."
This is EXACTLY what people don't get. The inconvenience and the tearing apart the kids suffer from. My W thinks D3 will be fine. She is clearly suffering from separation anxiety. She is here and there. Stability is difficult.
Wow Sandi2. I admire you coming here to get help before making this decision. I wish all wives would do this! I will read your thread to see what I can offer to you.
OneWish
Sandi2- Great advice from the other posters-please listen! I think just the fact that you've come here shows that there is part of you that doesn't want to leave your H. Can you try to focus on the good things about him? Is there anything that you like to do together? Can you start dating again- getting to know each other again? I know this sounds so simple, but it's a place to start and how can it hurt? Hang in there.
Sandi2 - Have you ever seen the Mort Fertel stuff? I would get a copy of his CDs - Marriage Fitness. It talks about all the things you need to do to "build love" again. It doesnt just happen, Love is something you do for someone else, not the other way around.
Unless you make an effort as SadMomof3 talks about, it is likely to just fizzle out. Think about it. People love your children for what they do for them, not the other way around!
Thanks to all of you for your words of advice. I have read so much over the years. I have stayed with H for the sake of the children and grandchildren for 41 years....so then I guess comes the great-grandchildren(lol). Sorry, I'm being sarcastic and I shouldn't because I asked you all to talk to me and you have been kind enough to do that. I said that because, really I am embarrased about being this old and going through the stuff you younger people have gone through. We should be past it. Anyway, I asked you to "let me have it" and that's what I need. It's just that I want you to know that this is not just something that started a few months ago. Yes, I got involved with OM on line back last November, but the unhappiness and struggles have been ongoing for all these years and i hung in here sticking it out. H feels as though he has done the best he can, so I guess it is all up to me now. I am terrified at the thought of this being a MLC (for a lack of a better title) because of the length of time I hear others talk about it taking.
Today, I thought I was losing my mind. I don't know what I would do if I did not have my poor mother to unload on...and of course, you guys. I want to cry at the drop of a hat. I was on a lot of anti-depression meds and one doctor got me off of that. I do not want to go back on them because I could tell no difference in my feelings when taking them. I know some people have to have them and I even advised some to do that. I just couldn't tell they helped me. I know that I have been depressed a long time and I have to fight it every day.
I tell you all this because don't let me get to having a "pity party"....ok? I need to have friends to talk to me, but I know there are times I need "tough love" applied to me also. Thanks Amy for being that way with me.
If it is MLC (or not) ....I can see the selfishness in the things I feel and say. I can read it in the things others have posted about their w/h. I do feel like I have devoted my entire life to my family and, like some others, want to have this time for me. But then I have to ask myself...at what price?
Well, I'm just rambling again. Anyway, thanks to all of you for talking to me. I need you guys. Hopefully, I will receive my DR book in a few days. I have listen to the first couple of tapes of "Keeping Love Alive" from Michelle. If you think there are some others that may fit my situation better, please tell me which ones.
One more thing I meant to mention. We were going to have "talks" about our R every day. We talked about three times and that was as far as it got. He mentioned it once when I was on here one night....asking if we were going to have our nightly chat and that he was really tired. I said it was ok if he wanted to pass because I was reading things on here. That was the last time it has come up, which was the first part of this week. Should I press it or wait until he asks again?
Sandi, I sure hope things become more clear for you.
Maybe this will help, if not maybe someone else.
cire
LOVE & LIFE
This story tells us something about LOVE & LIFE.
My husband is S/W Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.
Two years of courtship and now, five years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.
I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite; his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about LOVE.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
"Why?" he asked, shocked.
"I am tired. There are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.
He kept silent the whole night, seemingly in deep thought. My feeling of disappointment only increased. Here was a man who was not able to even express his predicament, so what else could I expect from him?
And finally he asked me: "What can I do to change your mind?"
Somebody said it right... It's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.
Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question. If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind.
Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Will you do it for me?"
He said: "I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.
I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....
My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but....please allow me to explain the reasons further.....
This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.
"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.
You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.
You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to show you the way.
You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.
You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.
You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand...and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the colour of the glow on your young face...
Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die ... "
My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... and as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...
I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...
That's LIFE, and LOVE. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.
Love shows up in all forms; even in very small and cheeky forms. It has never been a model. It could be the dullest and most boring form ...
Flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... AND THAT'S LIFE
Sandi, why did you get married 41 years ago?
sandi ~ How are you doing?
Hi ya'll. The past 24 hours have been a cram session with tons of reading that I found on the net. I downloaded two books and was up all night reading them. They completely described me and what I am going throught...and it never even mentioned MLC. It backed up what I have read from you guys. I have not received my book on DR yet, but I think it will go hand in hand with the advice. It was good for me to read it and yet it was sad. It was the slap in the face I needed. I know that I will never have anyone that loves me as much as my H does. I know that I have to face the damage that I have done to the R.
The thing that really hit me was that the emotional feelings I have toward the OM is because it is "new" and "sinful" and exciting. If I allow the EA to turn into a PA then I have dug my grave deeper. The phyical will be exciting and thrilling beyond anything I have felt before...according to that book. However, in time, if I should choose the OM, it would wear off and I would be in the same R as I find myself now. That is what some of you have tried to tell me. Or, I have read so much lately I have forgotten exactly who or where I got it, but the thing is I finally get it. The book broke it down into 4 stages and the third is where the W is in limbo as to what she wants to do. That is where I am now. But, I will not have a PA after reading that book. It scared me. I don't want to go through the hell that I would be opening myself up for. According to the book, I would be going through a vicious cycle of repeating everything again and again until my emotional state would finally break down completely. I don't want to live like that.
I know what I have go to do. The thing is to find the strength to do it. The first step is saying goodbye....and mean it...to the OM. According to the book, I will go through a time of "grieving". That is where I will need you guys to keep me encouraged...ok?
Also, I know I have to take baby steps every day to work on my M. I feel like I took a hugh step last night reading all that information. The book explained why I don't have the feeling of being in love and that it feels more like a brother-sister relationship. Makes sense to me. Don't know how long it may take to work through that part of it. But, why would I want to leave this R just to find myself in another one just like it in a few years to the OM? I'm too old to go from one R to another and then another, etc. Besides, I'm not cut out for that kind of life.
I may have to come here several times a day just to talk out my thoughts or ask for advice from you who are quickly becoming friends. Thanks for your support. Today is the first time in months and months that I have felt the least bit of encouragement. And, maybe that is not even the correct word. I just know what I have to do to break out of the "limbo" stage. Instead of saying, "I don't know what I want or I don't know what to do"....I DO know what to do!
Please don't think for a second that I have my act together because I am a long way from that! Please don't stop writing to me because I need accountablity. I think I was almost getting approval from my mother (without her even realizing what she was doing) to leave my husband. That was dangerous. She was really fed up with his not working and I played on that to get her approval for me to leave him and for her to accept the OM.
My first step is to say good-bye to the OM. God, I need strength to do that!
You can do it
Kick that bum to the curb!!!!!!
I'm glad to read your update and see that you are encouraged.
What are the titles of the books you downloaded?
Hey sandi....this is great to hear! I think it is awesome that someone like you had it "click" in like it did. The hardest part of YOUR journey is exactly what you wrote....saying good bye to "Mr swept me off my feet on the internet" guy.
You can rest assured that you will get all the back up you need here to help you stay strong. It will be great to read about your Success Story in a few months.....and know that you had made the right decision to really and honestly work to save your marriage of 41 years.
Damn.....that is really cool.....and remember....ya need to vent?...need to journal?....need to ask questions?....do it here!!!!
Last thing I want to say is.....don't be impatient on an answer....you WILL get one...maybe not as soon as you would like but you WILL get one!
Now....on a fun note.....sneak up on Mr Right that is in the house......and just whisper this......*whispered*...I'm not wearing any panties......
....and walk away
Ha!
That'll get that fire roarin'!
Thank guys for your infput. The thing is that right now I do not have any sexual desire for my H at all. None! I feel more like a sister-brother relationship. So, it is going to take some miracle for me to get those feelings to change over to Husband-wife. Remember we have not been intimate in eleven years. That is longer than some people on this site were ever married.
My other stuggle that I have mentioned but not expounded on was the fact that I feel very insecure about our finances and our future. He doesn't work very much and we are in terrible debt. I don't see any way out in the next few years and we are not getting any younger for sure. I never know when our health may fail and we can't work at all, etc. Now, I realize that is true with almost everyone these days. But, when you are younger, you have that "hope" that things will be more stable when you get into your 60's. You need security when you reach this age. Not knowing that you may loose your home because your H has gotten so behind on the payments is not a good feeling. He doesn't seem worried about it, but I am!
I am not just trying to find things to use for excuses and I hope it doesn't sound like that is what I'm doing. I am just venting about some of those things that I am struggling with. When my own mother is fed up with him, then I know it must be serious, because she was always in his "corner" before. But, she doesn't understand why he is not trying harder to work and to clean up around the place, etc. to do the things that I have expressed to him that would help my feelings. What do you all think about it?
Have any of you been in my situation about the sexual feelings...or I should say the lack of sexual feelings for their mate? I am really worried that I may not ever feel as though I can have sex with him again. He has not tried to kiss me, and I am glad because right now, I could not bear for him to touch me.
We had a long talk last night and I was plain with my feelings and told him I did not know if I would/could ever return to being like I once was. He wants the old wife back...and so do I, but I just don't know. I am still on that "rollercoaster" of emotions. I thought I was going to completely loose it the other day...like having a nervous break-down, and it was over nothing. One day I think maybe I can work it out and the next day I think that I won't be able to remain in the same house with him.
So, I hope this has not discourage you that was so happy for me when I gave the update about find that book on line. I am just saying that I have a long, long way to go. A lot of work has got to be done on both of us. If, I could just get the sexual desire for him, I know everything else would work out. If I can't, then I don't think any of it will work.
Any advice would be appreciated.
oh, btw, the information about those books can be found at
http://www.womensinfidelity.com. You can download the books right there. They are written by Micelle Langley. They are very informative. She talks about being four stages. The first book is about the fist and second stage and the next book is the last two, but both are very, very good. Since I am in stage 3, I read both books. It was what I needed to read. Although, now, the hard part really starts.
Hey sandi....I honestly don't think that for you to stay in your marriage that the sex part MUST be the determining factor.
If you think back.........WWWAaaaaaaayyyyyy back when....it was not sex that made you fall in love with him....it was his friendship and genuine care of you and your feelings. He may still have this towards you but please don't have the mindset of...If there's no sex....there's no marriage".
You found him attractive because of the things that he said and did and a little part was probably because of his looks. You just didn't hop in bed or "a roll in the hay" and decided that he was the one.....or at least we all here hope not!
You guys are going to have to build on something.....something that can become a daily thing with each other to help you two reconnect.....and it could be something as simple as breakfast/lunch/dinner. It's time together and time to chat about something other than financial problems or the relationship talk. Like what the hell did you two talk about when you met? It wasn't relationship talk then.....was it talk about how cool it is to see TV in color? SEE!!!!!!! It wasn't relationship talk......what can you guys talk about now???????
By the way.....that last comment was to make you laugh....not to call me something bad!!!!
FA ~ You're turning out to be such a sweetie.
And to think I once thought you were just a bad boy!
Hi FA,
Well, H and I were virgins when we married. However, I was attracted to the man or I would not have married him in the first place. AmyC asked me why I married him in the first place and I never got around to answering her. Back then, that was the main goal for girls...getting married, having children, etc. It was almost impossible for women to support themselves and they were very dependent on marriage. However, that is not to say I did not love him when we married, but I did NOT feel like he was my BROTHER, either! There was sexual attraction or I could not have married him at all. But, there were problemes from the very beginning. We lived in the house with his mother, I got pregnant the first month of marriage....and on & on. But, the sex problems stated immediately and just got worse over the years. Everything else just added to the bedroom problems. He eventually stopped sleeping in the same room with me and then eventually stopped having sex at all.
I asked him last night what he would have done if I had come in one night and started loving all over him and he said he would have ate it up. That is the problems, you see, I COULDN'T do it! I knew he would respond and have sex if only I would make the first move, but I couldn't. So, I thought something was wrong with me! I was frigid or a freak without feelings. I knew I had need for sex, because I would masterbate. So embarrasing to admit, but I did. That was the only way I ever could have an orgasam. I never had a climax or even got aroused when I has sex with my H. He was tender, etc., but it just did not happen.
When I met the OM on the internet, I discovered that I have very normal sexual feelings. It was exciting for me. I was thrilled to find out that I was normal and not a freak. When my H discovered our messages to each other, he said the first thing he thought to himself was, "well, she is human after all". That broke my heart!
I know it is going to be extremely hard to overcome the temptation not to meet with the OM and have a PA. From what I have read, it is very exciting and thrilling and fullfills the sexual needs that every woman has. But, the fallout is not worth it. At least, that is what I keep telling myself.
I haven't told you guys, but my grown daughter discovered the messages before my husband did! She has known all this time what was going on. I wanted to die! I was so humiliated that I wanted to take my life....almost. I wouldn't but I wanted to just die from the embarrasement of knowing she discovered all the sexual content and knew what I had been doing. Now, I wonder if my grandson, who is grown, may have read it also. But, I don't want to know...I couldn't face it.
But, anyway, I am taking an hour at a time....I gave up on the day at a time. I just hope and pray that I will have the strength to overcome the temptation. Another thing, and maybe I have already said this, is the fact that the OM has offered me a secure future. I don't have that with my H now. I am scared about our future, which I have already explained.
The question that I can't seem to get out of my head is this...what if things don't work out with my H and me and then I have told the OM goodbye and don't have him either? I know, I know, it is wrong to think like that, but I can't help it. I tell you it is diffent when you get this age. Your self preservation starts to kick in. Some of you will think I am selfish, and maybe so, but I have raised my children and most of my grandchildren. I have always put everyone and everything before myself, even if it doesn't sound like it when I am trying to explain my story here.
It is too long of a story to get into, but I will just say this much...my children will not be able to take care of my H and me in our old age. We will have to go to a nursing home. I can't stand to think about that.
I know I seem old to most of you, but I don't feel like I have just turned 60. I still feel just like you do, I'm just in an older body...lol. I have needs, and yes even dreams, of being happy and having the most life can give me. I have always stood by my H and supported him. I have allowed him to be head of the home, etc., as I was taught in the church. The only thing he could say when I asked him how I had failed to fullfill him emotionally was that he felt I had not stood by him! I nearly fell over dead!
Anyway, I am just rambling again. I need a lot of encouragement to stay in the marriage. You see, if anyone suggest that I leave this H that doesn't support MY needs and doesn't supply the finances that our lives require at this time....I am afraid I won't have the strength to argue.
Sorry, that I am feeling down right now. It goes back to that "rollercoaster" ride.
Thanks to all of you for being here for me.
Sandi2
Sandi...
I have read this whole post...I have to repeat that I am glad that you came here...
My story is opposite of yours...in most respects...you see my H did the "online thing"...I found out and confronted him...he felt guilty and was willing to do what it took to fix things...we focused on the sexual part of our marriage...while we never went long without sex it wasn't fulfilling for him...I was a "sack of potatoes" when it came to participating...so he sought out the passion and excitement that he was not longer feeling with me...
Well long story short our sex life went from zip to WOW...but that wasn't really the problem...because about 4 years later my H again went online...but this time the EA grew and grew until he convinced himself that he would die without the OW...so he left me, our children, all of our friends...
I was devistated beyond belief...I really didn't think anything could hurt as much as when I found that stuff online...but it did...and I wanted to die because my heart ached so very much...even now the tears are there...if I even sit and think back on where were and where we are now I cry...so much could have been avoided if only....
if only he had really really talked to me...
if only he had not forsaken our marriage vows...
if only I had been the wife I should have been...
if only I had seen what was happening and did something...
if only....if only....if only
I can tell you for sure that if you don't give up the OM your marriage will end...I can tell you for sure that in time you will regret the decision to sell your soul for money...I can tell you for sure that you will lose the respect of your children and grandchildren...friends and family...I can tell you for sure that all the money in the world will not make your soul feel peace for what you did for it...
I have money problems...my H ran up over 100,000 in debt while he was gone...he will never have credit again (I pray he won't)...we couldn't keep our home and I had to find a place to live with my children and support them on my own...he spent all of our savings...over 70,000...he left me with a 20,000 debt that I am still paying on 3 years later...the money part of our life is a mess...but I can say that now that he is home and we have worked...and mean really worked on the problems that we had things are getting better then they were...sex is not a main issue because when he returned home he was diagnosed with ED...so far we haven't found a drug that works for him...but we still make love...it isn't the greatest...and maybe it won't ever be again...but I have my best friend back...one that I will grow old with...one that money can't buy....
Your OM has money...but you don't really KNOW him...my H found out that the OW wasn't all he thought...all he had built her up to be...H is lucky that he had a family to return to...most don't...there is NO GUARANTEE...the OM might have a good fling with you...no telling how many OW he has/is toying with...how many homes he has destroyed...these are things you won't find out by researching him on the internet or doing background checks...unless they have come up with a moral background check...you could give up your H, your family, your friends (the truth is while many might stay they will always think of you differently)...and you might find yourself in the same situation that you are in now...minus the financial problems....but that is a maybe, talk is cheap and have you actually seen his bank account? do you know for a fact that he has money?
Let me tell you a story...it is true
There was a woman who was in a situation much like yours...except her H did make a good living and was generous with her...
She got involved with a "man" online...they exchanged pictures...phone calls...but guess what?...he wasn't really a man!!!...she was ready to leave her H...begged this "OM" to rescue her...they carried on for a couple of years like this until "he" finally realized that it couldn't continue...there was even the cyber sex, she had a webcam and performed for "him"...sound familiar???..."he" never told her the truth because she was crushed enough when "he" let her go...she tried contacting him years later and said she was still not over him..
In the interim...of this "OM"...she became involved with another OM online...this one proffessed to be a pro golfer....having lots of money...wanted to meet her when he "was in town"...but some of her other friends found flaws in what he said...now she was an inteligent woman...she had been a working woman and really was smart...yet she didn't see the flaws...when they were pointed out to her she would confront him and he would smoothe talk her down...eventually this man confessed that he "adopted" the name and persona of this pro golfer...he was not wealthy, was in an unhappy marriage...but was willing to risk it all to be with her, the love of his life...even though they had never met and all of this was based on lies!!!
So your OM might be what he says...he might be part of what he says...he might be NOTHING of what he says...and you could throw away the opportunity to really make things right in your marriage, with your H....the man you KNOW and have known all your life...
I will also tell you this...my H was a virgin when we met...this was special to me to know he had never shared himself with another...I was crushed when he gave himself over to this OW...it was something that I greatly valued (I wasn't a virgin and always felt like less to him because of my foolish youthful errors)...that is FOREVER GONE...
You have much to think about...if I can help you at all please let me know...being from the other side...even though I am a W and not a H I can shed light on the feelings of the LBS...and even of the S that finds out about online stuff they never ever thought could happen to them!
Take care...Lin
Dear Lin,
It is 3:19 a.m. on Sunday morning. i could not sleep and came in to the computer to see if there were any response to my last post. I can never, ever thank you enough for what you have told me. I pray to God you will continue to talk to me. I need it so very much. I know in my heart what you say is the truth! I have told myself those very things over and over again, but then I get weak and discouraged and then go into the "grass is greener" mode.
May I ask a personal question? You said the sex went to "wow". May I ask what I can to do overcome my feelings right now...that being that I feel more like a sister-brother relationship. As I have explained, we have never had a satisfied sex life, which I always felt to blame for that. What can I do to overcome my feelings?
Another question...do you still think back to the things you found on line that were said between your H and the OW? By that, I mean does it weigh on your mind?
If I have lost the respect of my daughter, and maybe grandson, I just don't know what I will do. I was the last person on earth that I thought would ever fall into a trap like this.
I can never tell you how much I appreciate what you have told me. I know my H is a wonderful good hearted man. Yes, he drives me crazy by the debt he has gotten us into and I get mad because I don't feel like he has provided the life that we need. I panic now that we are looking at retiring in a few years and yet we can't afford to retire. He has already had one open heart surgery and don't know when he may have to have another one. I never told about that.
I sure would appreciate you telling me how or what you and your H did to work on your marriage. I admire you so much. I don't know how S can forgive in cases like ours, but I know my H loves me more than any man ever will. That makes me so ashamed and feel guilty that I can't be the wife he deserves.
If there is anything else you can share with me, I wish you would. Your letter gave me the encouragement I needed just at the right time, because I was about to check my email just to see if the OM had sent me anything.
I have also wondered if I should just not ever respond to his email again or if I should try to say good-bye. I tried to tell him good-bye a couple of times and would always weaken and return to him, so he may not pay much attention to my words.
Thanks again, you were a "God-send".
What does it mean when people on here talk about locking a thread?
Sandi...
A thread will lock usually between 8-10 pages...that is when there are a lot of responses and it won't allow anymore replies to be made...when/if that happens you just start a new thread like you did this one...
You are welcome for my reply...if I could help in any way to save one other person in this world the pain of having a mate go from the EA to PA I would do all I could...
My word to you is view the OM as poison right now...if he truly loves you then he will certainly let you go...that is what all of us here have had to do at some point in order to hopefully win our S's back...if he keeps trying to contact you then send an email that simply states "I am married and need to act that way so I am saying good-bye. Please don't contact me ever again."...Then BLOCK his address and IM's...remember he is poison so don't even go for a peek or a taste it will suck you down and sicken you more....Really...he is willing to have an A with a married woman...in my book he doesn't require a good-bye....you OWE your H that respect not the OM who is willing to let you destroy your life just for him...that is a selfish man who is probably only seeking one thing...to gratify himself more...
May I ask a personal question? You said the sex went to "wow". May I ask what I can to do overcome my feelings right now...that being that I feel more like a sister-brother relationship. As I have explained, we have never had a satisfied sex life, which I always felt to blame for that. What can I do to overcome my feelings?
My first suggestion is to really pray to view your H as your mate...think back on his good qualities and STOP the focus on his weaknesses...for me I had to force myself back into a love life with my H...once I started it did get easier...you don't have to go overboard, especially in your case since it has been so long, but start by holding his hand, touching his leg, rubbing his back...
As for the lack of a satisfying sex life...YOU know what turns you on...share that with him...this might mean at a time when you feel ready...sit him down and have a true heart to heart talk with him...tell him what "works" for you...tell him you want more then the "basic love life"...and you want it for BOTH OF YOU...
Basically to bring back the desire you have to WANT TO...when my H returned he didn't love me...it was a year before he could say he did...it took time for him to "get over the OW"...I know it will take you time to get over the OM...you will need to grieve the loss of him...I don't know how your H is but if he can take it talk to him about your feelings...if he can understand your feelings he might be able to help you...if not, you can still do this...it will be hard...and it WILL TAKE TIME...but like with any addiction the best thing you can do is cut it off cold turkey and never look back...keep focus on the fact that you have stated "no man will ever love me like my H"...begin to really believe that in your heart...and value it..
Another question...do you still think back to the things you found on line that were said between your H and the OW? By that, I mean does it weigh on your mind?
I will be VERY honest with you...when it was the online thing it did weigh on my for a time...and every now and again I would remember...the PA...it still hits me in the heart sometimes...have I really forgiven my H...YES...but that doesn't really make one forget...it isn't as bad as it was 3, 2, or 1 year ago...it does keep getting better...but even now a tear is streaming down my cheek because I have to accept that what I once valued in him I will never again have...but the blame is not all his...I know he had choices...but the condition of our marriage was my responsibility as well...I only wish I knew then what I know now...I could have saves us all much heartache...
Back to the OM...is that email one you can inactivate?...if it is then do it...if it isn't then it will be a test for you but you need to let it go inactive...don't check it for anything...give your H the password if you need to and let him delete what he wants...DON'T KEEP A MOMENTO OF OM...don't hang on to a letter, IM, email, or anything else of sentiment...you will have to work so very hard to let this go...
I can relate...my H and I have NO retirement to look forward to...I am now working full-time and my girls both work part-time just to make ends meet...my H is looking for work but will never have the job he had before...he made good money...but you know what...the bible tells us not to be anxious about tomorrow because each day has it's own anxieties to deal with...all I can do is take care of today!...you need to adjust your focus...maybe YOU could get a job that would make some money you could invest in a CD or something...and it would keep you busy so you wouldn't have so much time on your hands to think about OM, computer, and problems...if you are not part of the cure you are part of the problem...become the cure...you can do it!
Take care....Lin
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I need to hear all of that right now. It will be a hard road. I think it helps a lot just to know that I have you and some others on here to talk with that have been down that road and understand how it is. You can tell me anything and I will appreciate it very much.
I do have a job. It probably is about the best I can get for my education and experience, etc. I have just a very tiny retirement plan, but it sure would not be enough to life on. MY H is drawing social security and it is so small that we can't even tell he has a check coming in every month. But, he is still trying to work...I just wish he would work more steady and we could get caught up on some bills before he gets where he can't work at all. But instead, it seems like we just get in deeper. Oh well, like you said....take care of this day with its problems...and don't be anxious about tomorrow.
Thanks again, and write anytime. I would love it.
Well I quit school in the 11 grade...although a straight A student...I did eventually get my equivilent to a diploma for what it is worth in todays market...
I had always had little piddly minimum wage jobs because H made a good living for us...his MLC started just before he was laid off from his career job...his job he worked up to from when he was 19 years old...so now at 49 they expect a college degree for what he did for nearly 30 years!...he only has a HS diploma although he is extremely smart...his last job was at Starbuck's so that tells you where we are at...
I now have a job with the School District that at least provides medical insurance (for now it is free but this coming year it will cost me)...my H has had many medical issues...I have in the past but seem to be getting healthier lately...I drive a school bus during the year for special needs children...and then during the summer I drive for our city summer camp programs...and supervise 11 teenagers on field trips everyday!...it is very draining and challenging...and the pay isn't great but it is more hours then I would get with summer school so I take it...I pray daily that my H will get a job to help pay some of his bills he left on me...and to "afford" to file bankruptcy for himself due to his mountain of debt that he can never pay back...but for now I am blessed with two daughters that are willing and able to help us out...though it really isn't fair to them...they had to start working at age 16 to help the family...and took more regular jobs after their father left us to help us live on our own...I have never filed for welfare and have managed on what I make even though I had to lie about my income to get our apartment because we really don't make enough to qualify for the rent...but I have a rent freeze for another year and if H gets a job we will make it...if not...then I will figure something out then...I would actually like to quit driving a school bus because the of the pressure from work...I love the job but the contract issues constantly being debated is very stressful to me...but right now we need the insurance...H had over 40,000 in medical costs last year that we only had to pay 20 for with my insurance...so for now I do what I don't want to and H keeps looking for something "he wants to do"...patience is a virtue that I am working diligently on right now...
You are not alone...maybe not the norm of those hear but really the issues are the same...we have to change ourself before we can expect changes in our marriage...
I didn't fully address the questions on what you can do for your sex life...but in time as things progress we can go there...for now you need to get yourself straight, get rid of OM, focus on the positives in your marriage and your H....my H's counselor told him that he was fortunate he had a wife who "truly loved him because most women would have kicked him to curb by now" and she doesn't even know about his A!...so consider yourself fortunate that you have an H who loves you enough to give you a choice...because had he made it for you...you might have found out you were worse off without him!...and then there would be no turning back...
So focus focus focus...positive positive positive...and take care of you...honestly evaluate your part and make a plan to work on something...anything...that will improve the R/M you have now...
Take care...Lin
It is amazing what you told me that we have in common. The jobs, education, etc. After years of paying insurance for my H I finally got him to apply for VA assistance and he had it within two weeks. I resented the years that I paid out very expesnive health insurance because I could not get him on my group and had to pay for private insurance. All that time he could have been receiving VA assistance but he would not even check into it. He is the worst procasternator I have ever seen in my life. Anyway, that helped when he finally did that. It relieved me of over 500 dollars a month. But, he just keeps getting deeper in debt and I can't help but worry if we will lose the house.
Our two grown children are both on disability. They will never be able to hold down a job and they are so young. But, that is why I said they would never be able to take care of us in our old age. We have tried to help them all we could, and our grandson, but it has just causes us more debt. I told H the other night that we were going to have to stop doing that and just take care of ourselves because nobody else could. He agreed but I don't know how we get it across to the children without breaking their hearts. I don't want my daughter to sit over there without anything to eat and not tell us...and she would do that if we ever say anything about not giving her anymore money. So, it puts us between a rock and hard place.
This afternoon I feel a little tiny more positive and I will try to think on a "plan" for the R. I don't know where to start. I think to pray real hard is a good place, don't you? I have prayed all the way through this mess, and even though it doesn't feel like God has heard me, I know He has because He is sending help to me through friends like you.
Thank you so much....again. I know what you shared with me is private and it makes me feel closer to you,even though we have never met. I feel like I have found a new friend...and that makes me happy. Even though I am older than you, you seem to be very wise and I admire that.
I don't know how you feel about "accountablity", but I think that I am the kind of person that probably needs to have someone that they can give an account to on a daily basis. I think that is what some people on here do when they call it "venting".
I have not told the OM good-bye. However, I have not made contact with him either. For me, that is a step. Maybe just a baby step, but hey, it's better than what I was doing. I am trying to give myself time to get stronger. You see, I did all the other stuff, deleting him, etc, but then I just found him again, so it didn't work. I was not strong enough then, so I have to build my strength up. I know that every time I go to the computer that I could find him at anytime. So, I guess it is like an alcoholic that has to keep a bottle in the cabinet.
Again, any time you can drop me a few line....or pages (lol) I would love to hear from you.
All the people that have responded to me have helped so much. Thanks to everyone and please keep on do it.
Sandi2
Sandi...
As I said I am glad to help...
One thing about praying...if you are not acting in harmony with those prayers God will not answer you...so if you are praying to get over OM yet make any attempt to contact him or "answer" him then your prayers on this matter will be hindered and in time not heard...it would be terrible to be on your own with this...
I think it is probably best you let the R w/ OM die a slow death...not contact, no good-bye, no replies...just let it die and don't feed into it...cold turkey...
I know this is hard because through all of this with my H there were a few times I grew emotionally close to others online...and in real life...even though I didn't physically cross any boundries emotionally I can see I was treading in dangerous waters...so when the time came that I knew I had to sever contact because my H had turned back to me and was giving us the chance I wanted it was hard...they were my "friends"...but they were friends for the wrong reasons...and to be fair to my H I had to cut ties...and it was hard...but I am glad and my conscience is clear which means so much...
My H is a HUGE procrastinator...he has left 1000's of dollars of belongings at an apartment he shared with a guy and won't go get it because he left the guy paying for the apartment...he invested in two business ventures...on 18,000 and the other was 15,000...the first one we have moved and don't know if they tried to pay him back but he won't contact them...the second sent a letter disolving the partnership and telling him he would be getting a check for what his share was worth...never got the check...and he only called once!!!...and we could definitely use the money...it is sort of the same way with finding a job...he gets excited about a job, applies, then waits, waits, waits...instead of calling back and showing definite interest...then it takes forever to get him to apply again for a job...but I know if I push it gets me no where...so I just keep working...I don't buy him coffee or chips or all the other junk he wants...I tell him if he wants bad enough he will get a job so he can afford it...
venting is when you just need to really release and you are best not to take it out on your spouse...journaling is more about what you are doing and how things are going...and I guess there could be accountability involved there...
Having spent my fare share of time in game chat rooms...and knowing that is where H found his OW's...I just want to reassure you that you are not alone in what you have done...there are many many women your age who have told me there stories of love and hurt online with men...a few I shared with you...many like you married young and innocent, raised their children, and you would think they were the Mrs. Clever's of the neighborhood but they too got caught up in the cyber sex, web cam, and other things that just "were not them"...it happens...the heart is treacherous...and it is desperate...when we feel neglected it can really bring us to do some things that we just could never imagine doing otherwise...so that is why for now you need to "not listen to your heart" and really work on your head!!!
So tell me, how long since you last made contact with OM...does he know your H and possibly D and GS know of him and your activities???
I think it would be good for you to tell your H that you are ending contact and want to work on your M...also let him know that it will take time before you are really ready to work "with" him...because you need to set yourself straight...also let him know that he is free to ask you things and that you promise to be honest...this will help build the trust back with him and will help you remember your commitment to your marriage...
The OW that my H was ready to marry...the OW who proclaimed her undying love for my H...the one who do anything and go anywhere for him...well as soon as he said he wasn't quite ready to make the leap...yes he wanted to marry her but he needed time...well in a few months she called and said she was coming to his town...he was excited and offered to meet up with her...then she dropped the bomb on him...she was coming with an OM!!!...so let me ask you...do you think she really and truly loved H???
I ask you this because I think in time your OM will move on...it is a sickness with some people out there to get involved with others online...thinking "well, it isn't real...I am not hurting anyone...what's the harm"...some will even carry on the fantasy of meeting...and some do...but that fantasy is all based upon lies...rarely are people totally honest online...the say what they want the person to hear...glossing over their own faults...which might be huge...
Example:...I got to know man that was very nice...still is...I was sure I was getting D'ed and his W had already filed on him...we thought there might be a future for us but we would wait until both of us were free...well in time we didn't want to wait so he did come to visit...we didn't kiss but we did hug and hold hands...after he went home we both sort of realized that what we had built up online wasn't what was real...remove the sexual aspect and there was no longterm R to base a marriage on...I felt extreme guilt about this meeting later and when my H returned I confessed this to him...even though nothing really happened the things we talked about were not appropriate for a married person...we went to our Elders and I talked about with them...I am thankful that it went no further because they said had it there might have disciplinary action taken in regards to my standing in our congregation...
Sandi...the OM is what he is in your mind...but please trust me when I tell you that he can't really love you like he says...and you can't really love him like you feel...it is the heart being treacherous...
Also...please take my advice and start focusing on the positives of your H...I had to tell my H this because he pointed out all my faults but when he spoke of OW he pointed out all her attributes...he had to focus and realize that I was not perfect but that if he looked at me like he was her then he might find someone he still loved....like I said...it took a year...yes, we slept in the same bed...we shared marital relations...but I knew for him it wasn't out of love at that time...it was out of obligation...but love was the choice he made and eventually it came....
I hope this helps you some more...I will keep checking in on you...and if you need anything...just holler!
Take care...Lin
Sandi, i would like to share an experience i had while online dating before i met my W. It was the first person i metonline. We chatted for several months via email and chat. Then finally exchanged phone numbers and talked on the phone for several months. Again this was when i was single. The conversation was so awesome and my expectations were so high. When we finally did meet, she had a stain on her shirt. First impressions, i was totally turned off and let down. It was kind of like opening xmas presents and not getting what you wanted. I know its not exactly the same, but everything that led up to that meeting was so great and then i felt so let down......just something to think about in regards to the OM
Good stuff....food for thought sandi!
Especially if that food has made stains on a shirt!!
Hey Lin, you out there? I need to hear from you.
Hi Lin,
I have been reading a lot of things you have told other people and, well, I think you are my hero! Girl, I don't know how you have done what you have! It makes me ashamed of myself.
I have to admit though, one of the reasons I was reading so much stuff was because I was fighting the temptation to check on line with the OM. It has been five days since the last time I said anything to him. I know that is not much, but I have to take a day at a time. Maybe that is not what the book says...haven't gotten that far yet, but it is all I can do at the time. Hate to admit it, but I was really missing him tonight. As I have said before, I have tried the "good-byes" and it doesn't work since I can just go back on line at any time and contact him again. When I made a reference to being like an alcoholic with the bottle in the cabinet...I did not know about your H had a drinking problem. Maybe, you told me, I have read so much the past five days until I'm almost cross-eyed.
I am going to make it through tonight without talking to the OM. Tomorrow will be another day to work through.
I just admire you so much. Again, I just don't think I could have done what you have and I admire you so much. I hope your H knows what a gem he has!
I know you have encouraged so many people on this website. I don't know if it helps any to say this...and it is probably just my belief, but I think we are put through some things in order to help others. Since you were the LBS, you know a lot on how to help those in your situation plus you know what to say to people like me...the wanna be WAW. So, you have helped many, many people.
You were so kind to even talk to me. I could understand why you would hate women like me. If you only knew me in real life, you would be shocked to know my personal life and everything involved. Everyone that knows me would be totally blown away to know that I had an EA online with OM. I would be the least likely person in the school yearbook! Yet, I did it and I'm so ashamed. I know, I know, I say I am ashamed in one sentence and that I'm being tempted in the next. But, I am trying to be realistic and deal with it like it is. My feelings are still a rollercoaster, but I'll make it in time.
Maybe I was not supposed to post any advise...kind of got my toes stepped on for that. But, I was just trying to help. Anyway, I guess I'll mind my own business from now on and wait until I have a success story like yours to tell.
Well, I guess I shouldn't just keep rattling...just needed to talk. I hope you will continue to talk to me. By the way, I received Divorce Remedy and have started reading it. Also, I was able to go back to work today after being off on sick leave, so I hope that will help...staying busy.
You know what? Most people have always seen me as a "strong person"....that is almost a joke...if they could see me sitting here with tears running down my face now. However, in the short time that I have had the pleasure of knowing you through these posts...you are probably one of the strongest people I have ever met. It is a pleasure.
I say post your advice. I think you have a lot to offer. You see things from another perspective and if someone doesn't like it, then too bad for them.
Hey....you are a strong person.....you came here for help didn't you? It takes a lot to sit here and type out one's faults....at the least, the negative things they ahve done. I know for a fact, even though it was on the internet, coming here to spill my beans about my past and the things I had did was really hard.But, in the same token, look how easy it is to spill your beans to a complete stranger that you have NEVER met and tell him all the things he would like to do to you and you to him.
Coming here is the best thing that a person could do. PERIOD.
Hi FAm
Sorry, I get these post mixed up sometimes. I am still trying to figure out how it all works. Just want to thank you for being my friend and trying to help. I need all I can get. I am going to read your stitch...is that what they call it? lol
God, I'm old! lol
Anyway...no laughing matter...I really do appreciate you talking to me and I am going to read your story. Like I told Lin, I have read so much that some of it is running together.
I guess you will see what I sent to Lin, but the same applies to you and AmyC. I'm just trying to get through a day at a time. My H is trying really hard. He doesn't smother me like he was doing and his attitude has changed. He doesn't snoop around and watch me like he was doing. He read a book and he hates to read...lol. I am so lucky to have him for my H. I am trying to remind myself of the positive things. However, I have always known that there were millions of women that would kill for a H like mine...and it did not make me any more happier. He is a good man...has a good heart...but I just did not feel in love with him anymore...you know the drill. I sound awful, don't I? I did not realize how many others were in the same boat until I came here and started reading. It is so sad.
I forgot to add to the post to Lin, so I'll tell you...lol...that I went an entire week with him in the house with me and I did not have a nervous break down. He was not able to work due to it raining every day. Before, I could not bear for him to be under the same roof without feeling like I would run out and start screeming. However, we were both kind of "trapped" in the house together last week and I did not have those panic feelings. I am going to take that as a good sign.
If you ever feel like punching me out...let me have it. I won't promise it won't hurt, but I will promise to "take it". I need plain talking to. So, if you are up to the job, I will try to be a good student.
Thanks for begin concerned.
No sweat....me and TRIP are cut and dry but she has a better way of putting things.
I think it is a positive that you 2 were in the same house with you not having any problems.....takes a lot ya know. By the way, I only lay it out flat when it seems like the person is starting to get blinded by something....a wake up call is needed....some like it some don't.
Hi Trip, thanks for what you said. I thought maybe I wasn't suppose to say anything. I appreciate it.
Can somebody tell me how to look up another friend's stitch? It helps to know a little about what they have been though. I try clicking on the name and then the first thing I know, I'm chasing rabbits...lol.
click on their name and then when the tab comes down click on View Posts
Sandi...
I really see you trying...I think you just need to keep focusing on your H's positives...it isn't going to change over night...you didn't get to where you are today quickly...it was a process...now you just have to reverse it...
GREAT on going 5 days...I KNOW how hard this is...but trust me, in time it will get better...it will also get better in time when you start rekindling feelings for your H...and with more distance from OM will come clearer thinking...things always seem so great...so exciting...so wonderful...but sometimes if we really look at what we have we can find that same thing with the S we have...
It sounds like your H will "work with" you on this...I also think in time he will be a great support for you...I think you two just need to step back, take a breath, and then give each other a chance...maybe even the chance you never did have!
I do think your a good person...if you weren't you wouldn't care about your H's feelings, your D's feelings, and your GS's feelings above your own...and you have...you didn't leave because you didn't want to hurt them...your conscience kicked in before you crossed a line that would have forever changed things...
I will follow you through this the best I can...I work a lot and it is really draining...teenagers are not the easiest bunch...and then my regular school year job is special needs children...I love it but it is challenging...so if I don't reply right away...please be patient and I will get back to you...
And thank you for all the kind things you said...it feels good to know that my strength is showing again...for so long I felt defeated and weak...it also feels good to know that I am able to give strength to others...I don't think I am better then others here...but one thing is sure...most of us become better because of what we make it through...whether we win or lose...we live...
Take care Sandi...and I will be watching...journal all you need to...if you need to talk about OM and how your feeling, please do...some of us can talk you down if you feel like you are weakening...I have faith in you...I hope you will have faith in yourself that you CAN do this...
OH...thank your H for things that he does that are nice...this will help you too...and him...
Take care...Lin
You know in reading imLin's post what I see is that you are changing some very old habits in behaviour. Habits can be broken and new ones formed. You want to do something about it and that is the first step. I like how you are taking things slowly and day by day. Not getting ahead of yourself is the key and you see that. Also, give yourself some credit for coming here and wanting to make your marriage a happy and satisfying one.
Lin, thank you sweetie. Now I know you are not a "saint" but a human just like me. I say that with love...I hope you realize that. Honestly, now I can really feel like I can tell you anything. It helps to know what you shared about meeting that OM even though it didn't go any farther...thank goodness. But now I know you realize what I am going through.
I have talked with my H and he is very understanding. Much better now than a few weeks ago...we were both so awful then. We both saw an ugly side we don't want to see again.
My H even said that he knew I would go through a "grieving" period for the OM. Maybe he read it, I don't know. But, I am doing that now...grieving. It sounds so awful to admit it. But, honey, you are so right about how I played the OM up in my mind! I think God has helped me, even today, to try to think about the OM in a more negative way. In other words, I was attracted to his "take-charge" personality because my H was a procrasternator (spelling?) But, if we were together I may not like him "bossing" me around! What I see now as "strength" could turn out to be something entirley different.
I know I was drawn to the OM sweet words. That is what turns me on...big time. He fed my ego and I went back for more and more and more....just like a drug. I was addicted but I did not want to admit it. I read somewhere the signs of being addicted to internet relationships. One being the fact that you get upset if anyone or anything interfers with your time on the net. I was doing that! My kids would come over and I would get upset because I wanted that time to chat to the OM. I would watch the clock to see when he would be home from work. I would watch my H to see the minute he left the house so I could run get on line while he was gone and chat with the OM. If I missed a night with OM, I felt like I was going to go crazy before I got to him again. Now, if that is not addicted, what is?
All of my friends....please just keep reminding me that OM is NOT WHAT I NEED OR WANT! PLEASE! You want to know something funny? I was not even attracted to his looks. He was not that good looking at all, but it was the other stuff. Plus, he was five years younger than me and it made me feel good to know a younger man thought I was attractive.
I have told myself that he probably has a dozen women on line he is doing the same thing with every night that he and I did. Of course, he denied it. What was he going to do...tell me yes? Duh!
Another thought...he has been divorce many years now and never remarried. That is something to consider. He says he is just "picky".....hummmmm.
Well, of course, I did not want to think anything but the best and all the good possibilities. The grass sure looked greener from where I was sitting! After all, he makes great money...according to him...and my H even said so after investigating him. OM would tell me all the places he was going to take me and what all we would do together. He said he would come after me if I just gave the word, but would perfer we met in person first...which seemed logical. He is very smart....maybe too smart?
Okay, I've got to get to bed. I just am rambling...but I feel better. Thanks you guys...for being here for me. Maybe some day, I can be here for you...if you ever need me...just call.
PS....yes the OM does know about my family members finding the messages.
All these voices can't be wrong......
He knows yet he would still allow you to damage those relationships...
And you mentioned that you weren't attracted to his looks...well, that same issue came up for me...of course OM told me he was attracted but after things were said and done and it was appearant that there was NO ROMANCE to build on he let me know his true feelings on that too...he WANTED to be attracted to me...of course he was much older then me because I didn't want a younger man...I wanted an older man...
But when you really examine the situation....as you obviously are...what sort of person are they REALLY???...to get involved with someone married is WRONG...to continue to try and pull them away even if it is so subtle with sweet words is WRONG...to allow another to damage family and friend relationships and to forsake all they believe in morally...well, it is just plain WRONG...this tells you what sort of person they really are...
What you were saying about him being a take charge kind of guy and how it might really play out is probably very true...I know in my case the OM that I got aquainted with started to show his colors after a year or so...he would "test" me...but there was a mean streak in him...yes, he could be gentle, understanding, but if something got his goat he could bring me to tears...he was generous and caring...but looking back I can see a lot of things now that I didn't...a lot of things that would not have made me happy...I had to find that within myself...
I so glad you are taking this time to really examine things...I think you are taking those "rose colored" glasses off and REALLY seeing what matters...
I am proud of you...I know the addiction of the internet as well...and yes, it can be a strong pull that sucks you in and kills your real life...and most likely the OM is addicted as well...and it doesn't have to be you or him...it is just the feeding of one's ego that starts it all going...but it isn't real life...and prevents you from living and GAL...you NEED your family, your H, your friend, your other relationships....you don't NEED the crap that gets found in chat rooms or game sights or any of that...now if I do play a game that has chat I don't chat...and when the other person does it is usually disgusting and juvinile to me...in time I think you will see this the same way...
Take care...I will check in later...Lin
Hi everyone! Well, I made it throught the day without contacting the OM. I will get through tonight as well, because I feel stronger. Also, something happened that kind of drew my H and me closer together...so that really helped.
Hi Fa, well, I had missed a lot of work last month and it caused my paycheck to be very short. Well, with everything else on my mind and just being plain careless, I overdrafted my checking account. I just went back to work yesterday from having surgery and so I am still very weak and shaky. Anyway, when I came home for lunch, we had received a bank statement regarding the overdrawn account. I just fell apart. Here I had been so mad at my husband for not working, etc., and now I go mess up and overdraw. Well, when he saw how upset I was, he was very sweet and just told me not to worry and that it would work out somewhay and then pulled out a hundered dollar bill. I knew he had been holding on to that for an emergency...but this was the time to use it. I went to him crying an put my arms around him and told him I was so sorry for messing up the account. He just held me and comforted me.
The thing I will need to watch is this...he will get his hopes up real quick and real hight. Because to him, this was a sign that everything is going to be fine again. At least that is what I am afraid of. You see, he left for about an hour this evening and I was reading the different posts on this site when he came back in. He walks in and kisses me on my shoulder. He has been calling me "baby", and etc. Now, I know I shuld be excited about that, but I just don't want him to push it too fast. I did make that move at lunch time....but it was out of emotions. My nerves are fragile and my physical state is weak. The least thing makes me cry. I stated crying at a commercial last night! So, I don't want him to repeat the behavior he has in the past...and that is one of them. Do I makes sense in what I am saying? You see, I had already posted my previous statement, then he comes in and does that and I knew by the way my body wanted to recoil....I'm not there yet. It hurts me to know that my body feels that way toward him and I don't want to hurt him, so I try to cover it up. I've talked to him abut it, but how to you tell a person something like that without it killing them? That is why I say I am not past the brother-sister stage and afraid it may be a ways off yet.
I thought I had it licked for tonight...regarding the OM. But H left a few minutes ago and guess what I was tempted to do? Yep! But, nope....I haven't done it yet and am trying hard not to give in. That is why I came back on here to get through the temptatin.
The thing I will need to watch is this...he will get his hopes up real quick and real hight. Because to him, this was a sign that everything is going to be fine again. At least that is what I am afraid of.
I went through a short sep 5 years ago from my WAW, and when she came back, I thought "mission accomplished". Biggest mistake of my life to not understand my role and the need to examine and change myself, and I'm paying the price now....
I don't have the answer as to get him to understand this. I wish our MC at the time...or anyone...would have helped me with this.
BTW, this is one of the most helpful threads I've read on this board. It really gives me a great peek into your (the WAW's) mind. Thanks for sharing. And it looks like you are getting lots of help and are thinking more clearly.
TopJ
Sandi...
Be very honest with your H...yes it might hurt him...but if you explain that you NEED space and time to work through things and he MUST give this to you hopefully he will understand...I know my H told me that he didn't love me...but wanted to and he asked for me to be patient...there was a time that he said just hugging me was very hard for him...but he allowed JUST that...I would hug him when I felt I needed it and he would hug me back...in time he started to feel okay with that...but it did take TIME...and I had to be patient...
BTW...Call the bank and explain the situation to them....ask if there is anything they can do regarding the charges...I have had to do this a few times and my bank has always been very good at helping me out...just be honest...tell them what has been going on...you might be well rewarded and be able to give the $100 back to H to hold on for another emergency!
Keep it here, Sandi...remember, OM is NOT WHAT YOU NEED...the longer you go without that sick fix the better you will feel about yourself!
Take care...Lin
Thanks everyone, I'm trying real hard. I will make it through tonight without calling OM. I know it now. But, H just came back again, and sure enough....he's pushing. I can't put it into words to describe to you all, but I just "know" him and his actions. He is wanting to just "jump" back into a normal R again and pretend everything is great! (This is the "message" I'm getting from his up-beat attitude.) And all that happen today was what I told you guys about! That's all it took to send him into "wonder-land"! It was this very thing that kept me at a continued distance with him...because I knew he would be this way! I'm not ready to get into all this "touchy-touchy" stuff right now. But, he sees this as a great green light that everything will just be honky-dorey.
I know I am blessed to have a man that loves me that much, I know that! But again...it's these blasted feelings of mine!
Maybe that is just my way of seeing it. He surley knows better than that...but I'm going by his actions and it is almost turning me off. God, I hate feeling like this. Just as I feel like we gained one tiny ounce of ground, he acts like a high school boy in love. If only...if only I could return his favors. I still need space, but if I tell him...he is going to be crushed. I just pray he will back away...just a little bit and I won't have to warn him.
This is what makes me treat him cold. Why can't he learn this? He was so proud of himself today that he finally finished reading one of the books I bought and downloaded on line. Then he prints the entire thing off! When he proudly showed it to me, I asked him why on earth he did that. He said so he could keep it. I tried to tell him we had it on the computer anytime he wanted it, but no he has to use paper and expensive ink cartridge to "print" the whole book! That is the way we are.
I know he is trying so hard. You guys pray for me, please. I have read so many posts that sound so awful to me and then I realize it was describing me completely! Even though I never walked away physically...I did in my heart. We WAS are not nice people, I'm afraid. We need a lot of patience and help. We want to love and be loved....even if we don't show it in our actions. I can't explain myself, so I can't explain anyone else. Guess that is why I shouldn't give advise.
You guys are wonderful and I am always open to advise. He is calling me now wanting me to come eat popcorn and watch tv. I'm not ready for this. I don't want to do this. I need more time.
Hi Sandi- You are doing GREAT! Can you tell your H nicely that you just need a little space right now?
Sandi...
You HAVE to be OPEN with your H...it might sting...but let him know that although you realize what you are going to say may hurt you NEED to say it IF there is ANY chance of you two coming back to a healthy place again...then gently explain that yes, what he did was so nice and thoughtful...and you appreciate it...but it does not just make you feel overwhelmed in love with him...
Also tell him you appreciate that he STILL loves after all that has happened...but that you don't want to just pretend things are going to be okay...you WANT them to ACTUALLY BE OKAY!
You MUST TALK to him...he can't read your mind and allowing him to do things that drive you away is counter productive...
Let me know how things go...and WTG on not contacting OM...what are we now...day 6!...YOU CAN DO THIS! and when you are done you will be so proud of yourself...really you will and with good reason...you can bring good out of all this stuff...and you are doing that now....
Take care....Lin
In the past when I tried to tell him, I could see that he was offended. Then I resent him being offended, and then there we go around and around the merry-go-wheel.
Can you see my frustration? I really don't want to hurt him. He is a very good person. But, the feelings won't come no matter how hard I try to pull them up, so I get all confused and feel adnormal. I think, "Don't I love him?" And, then it is not long until other things start pilling on top of that.
If he will just take it slow and easy and give me some time. It has only been 6 days since I last talked to the OM. I am hanging by a thread here. I have just come to the place I can stay under the same roof without running away from him. It all sounds so dramatic....but that is how I was feeling. I was proud of what I was able to do and yes, even feel a tiny bit toward my H, but I can't do more than what I'm doing right now.
BTW, thanks for your concern. I'd appreciate anything you have to say.
PS....I still spend most of my evenings on the computer reading these posts while he is watching tv. I know that is not the healing salve we probably need, but like I said, I have just gotten where I can stay here. In a few more days I hope to report that I am spending more time in the same room with him.
He has a hard time controlling himself to stay out of here. But, he has reason to feel threaten every time I'm on the computer. I just leave the door wide open so he can come in and see what I am doing whenever he choses to do so. I know he still searches the history to see where all I have been on line, but that's ok. I still get an old feeling of resentment when he walks up behind me, like he use to do when I was talking with the OM. We had some of our worst fights then, so naturally, it would cause me to remember bad feelings and be uncomfortable.
Okay, maybe I am through this time....lol.
Sandi...
maybe you could write a letter to your H...and explain what you just posted...that he will have to take it slow...and give you time...remind him that you are hanging on by a thread and if more weight gets added it could send you realing...
There is no way to avoid the hurt...he needs to understand that...
Would it be helpful if one of us were to email him to help him understand the situation...to reassure him that it is okay to back off...that it won't make you run away...and that time really is his friend?...I would be willing if you think it would help...
Sandi...you are being incredibly strong...I think it is great that you are leaving the door open and not hiding things from him...in time he won't feel the need to check up on you but trust me...he needs to KNOW you are being honest with him right now...I know when my H did those things trust was really a big thing...I wished he would have been so open the first time around...instead he went the other way and distrusted me more...
One day at a time...and you are doing great!!!
Take care...Lin
Thanks Lin, I will consider the email route. I may have over re-acted to his actions last night. When I went to bed I just broke down and sobbed for the longest time. I was afraid if he or my grandson (who lives with us) heard me, they would think I was having a nervous break-down. At times, I have wondered that myself. But I'm not having a break-down, it's the after effects of all this "stuff" we go through and our families go through. I think I am really going through the "repentance" stage right now. Before, I knew I was wrong, and would admit I was wrong and was sorry and ashamed for what I had done....but it was not enough to stop me from going back to the OM. Now, I am feeling truly repentant for my actions. I kept thinking about my Dad who I adored, and how disappointed he would be if he knew what I had done. I can't even write about it now without crying. When my husband found out about the OM, he through my Dad up in my face to make me feel bad and at that moment, I nearly hated my H for doing that, because he knew he really hit below the belt.
Anyway, I do need to feel repentance and I think after going this long without talking to the OM, I can began to feel that and to start trying to move forward.
Being in MLC or WAS or whatever it was that was happening to me...it is the hardest thing in the world to explain. You know you are not yourself in the way you think, act, etc., but it is like something else has taken over your body and mind and you know you are loosing control and yet you don't care (at that moment in time) you feel a rebellion inside of you that prompts you to keep on doing the selfish things that you want even though it hurts your family.
I could feel my desire for the OM slipping away because I had not been "feeding" it like I had been months before. I think you know what I mean by that. We had just been shooting short emails to each other about once a day. Not much sexual talk was going on at all, so it was fading away. I am glad, because a few months ago, I could not even see me where I am today...being as strong as I am at this minute.
God is so good and you new friends I have found here to support me has been my biggest blessing in a very long time. I have a long way to go before I am healed and certainly my R with my H. Our church is going to be in Revival next week, so I am praying that I can truly be spiritually revived. It will be hard to work all day and go to church every night because I am still physically weak from surgery, so just pray I can do it.
As far as the OM, I just pray he will not decide to "surprise" me and show up unexpected some day at my work place, or something like that. I hope he will lose interest in me as fast as I have him. He doesn't know where I live in town, but he knows where I work and it wouldn't be hard for him to locate me. Well, I'm not going to worry about that now.
I have to go to work, but just wanted to let you all know that I was feeling stronger this morning. My H is a little quite. but I think he is okay. Maybe he was just worried about me yesterday because of the way I fell apart over the band account.
Hope you all have a good day and maybe soon I can be of some help to somebody else.
Sandi...
To help you understand a few things about your H's reactions to his discovery let me share with you mine...
I to was so totally shocked...I brought up the kids, how I had dedicated my whole life to H, I hit as many guilt buttons as I could...it was later...much much later....that H disclosed that anytime a guilt button was hit it drove him farther away...for me it was desperation to get him to "feel"...because he was so cut off and so distant...in my mind (pre-DB'ing)I felt if I could just get him to feel something he would "snap out of it"...
When and if you do write to your H explain this too...let him know that he doesn't really want you to stay out of guilt...guilt should never be a control tool...but he wants you to stay because you WANT to...that is the only way you both can be happy...
Give him what you CAN do a stage at a time...let him know that right now being home is it...when it comes to being in the same room let him know...watching TV together...eating together...however you see your steps at regaining your R/M then ONE AT A TIME you will disclose to him what you are ready to handle...
I am glad to hear that you are feeling stronger about OM...but it isn't over...not really...DON'T LET YOUR GUARD DOWN...at our congregation meeting last night they just had another session on the dangers of internet...even "Christian" dating sites...while there are some success stories there is much more pain and hurt that isn't shown...because people lie and feel protected by the anonimity that the internet provides...after H was saying "You know how almost every month they say something about the internet? It must be a huge problem and not just with the young ones!"....well DUH!...that is where he fell into ALL the problems that he got into...everything he started was on the internet...he was over weight and I can guarantee if he had to have gone out to bars to meet the women he did he wouldn't have done it...and maybe...just maybe if he didn't have that outlet he would have been more likely to make a different choice that would have allowed for us to work things out with the the effects the OW brought into our relationship, the STD testing, the concern about her getting pregnant, the total heart break of knowing I am now not his "one and only" as far as sexual relations go...and the list goes on...
So count yourself fortunate that you are now at 1 week...and counting...that you are fighting back against the weakness to meet OM...and really looking to yourself and to God to get better...I would hope OM lives far enough away that he wouldn't just "pop" in on you...but IF that were to happen I know you have it in you to send him on his way without a hope...but I really doubt that will happen...usually if things have been "just online" they quickly move on themselves to the next vulnerable person to feed their addiction...you know if the first "drug" supplier leaves town there is one to take it's place in a heart beat...and the "addict" will find them...
You sound so much better this morning...sometimes a good cry is what we need...it is good that you can see how far you have come...take pride in that...keep hope alive with you...YOU CAN DO THIS...and YOU CAN BE HAPPY...
On the subject of being happy...H realized while he was gone...and upon his return...that "I" was not the whole reason he was unhappy...and I learned that I couldn't rely on H to make me happy...while a couple is "one" they still need a life...they need their own individuality...we both lost that...but now he has things he does for enjoyment and I have mine...and then we have OURS...so look for your happiness and remember it doesn't come from someone else...it comes from YOU...
Have a good day, Sandi
take care...Lin
Good evening. Well, tonight will be a test for me where the OM is concerned and I'll tell you why. As much as it embarrases me to admit this, I got where I stayed home from church on Wednsday night because that got to be the only private time me and the OM had together on line. I had full intentions of going to church tonight just to be able to stay away from old habits. But today was really hard on me at work and I am so physically drained that I can't make it to Wed, night services. So, I hope some of my good friends will talk to me and kind of keep me busy so I won't relent and start seeking out the OM. I'll admit that my curiousity got the best of me. I did not talk to him, but I did check to see if he had sent me an email. He has only sent one short one and that was Monday morning. He was in the habit of sending me email every single morning as soon as he got to work. Well, he went from Thursday until Monday morning without a word. All he said Monday was that he was thinking about me and hoped I had a good day. Not another word since! Now, grant it, I always responded back and so he may be waiting for me to respond, but if we truly meant as much to each other as he pretended...wouldn't he write again to see if anything was the matter? I think he probably has other women hanging on the end of his little line like he had me. Maybe I am just tring to convence myself that he does in order to make getting over him easier. I have a lot of pride (even if it sounds rather ironic) about things like that. If I had ever allowed myself to really believe that he was chatting with other women in the same way as he did me...I would have written him off that minute. But you see, I did not want to know that for a fact. I did not want to face it. Now, I could get on line with him tonight and he would play it real cool and act all concerned about not hearing from me etc., but why has he waited on me? Why has he not sent me an email every day trying to find out if I was okay or in trouble or hurt, etc?
Do you guys agree or am I just trying to convence myself?
Just had a question for was2sad...why were you talking like that to me? Were you challenging me or just trying to shock me or trying to make me sit up and think...what?
Hi Forever21. Thanks for responding. I need to talk and stay busy cause I am having a hard time tonight. My emotions are not matching up with my head knowledge. I guess I am going through withdrawals. For people that were the LBS I know that I could be hated real easily for what I've done to my H. I couldn't blame anyone for feeling that way toward me. How he still loves me is beyond me! I'm not trying to win any popularity contest...thank goodness, but my feelings are fragile. I'll probably regret saying that by the time some get through with me. Yes, yes, I know...I wasn't thinking about H feelings, etc, etc. I know...already!
I'm sorry, I shouldn't even be trying to talk right now, i'm such a mess! I am trying hard to break it off with the OM and not talk anymore to him on line. So, I'm just in the middle of a mini break down right now...just please bear with me.
I think you asked me what I wanted from my M. I want to feel passion for my H. I want to feel desire. I have been dead inside for so long that when I did turn to OM the feelings of desire was new and exciting to me. I thought I was a freak for so many years and was told how our marriage was not what it should be because I was frigid....in so many words that was what my H told me every time I tried to talk to him about anything. No matter what the subject...he always brought up about the sex. So, I got colder and we got farther apart. He stopped sleeping in the same room with me about 20 years ago, and then stop even trying to have sex 11 years ago. We just lived under the same roof, went to the same church, family, etc. and to everyone else, we appeared to be very normal. Ha! Would they be surprised!
If you have read all my posts then you know that he tried very hard when he first found out about the OM. But, he had waited too long and was smothering me to death. The harder he tried the more turned off I felt. I wanted to run! I talked every day to my mother to keep from running. The OM told me he would come get me if I wanted him to, but I didn't know if I could do that to my family. Even though my kids are grown, I knew it would distroy my family. It has been 5 long months since everything hit the fan with my H. I have not run away yet. I have just gotten where I can stand to be under the same roof at the same time with him. I know all this sound so very awful to asy about one's spouse. I'm just telling it like it is.
As I told in my post early this morning before I left for work, we MLC or WAW or whatever I am....Lord only knows...we are not our true selves. It feels like some thing has crawled up under our skin and taken over. We know right from wrong and we admit we are wrong, but it is like we don't want to do anything about it. The desire to be with the OM or to run away or be by ourselves, feel the hot sexual desire, or whatever the heck it is we crave....is more important that our own children at that moment in time. I am baring my soul here and it isn't very pretty...I know.
For years, when I was younger, I tried hard, or at least I thought I did. I would apply all the "Total Woman" principles (anyone remember that book?) and would try to keep the M alive. But my husband was so "laid back" to the point of being down right lazy. There, I said it out-loud! He tried being self-employed after the company he worked for went out of business and that is when the M started going down. He is never motivated enough to go out and hustle the work up and keep the bills paid. I did not come from a wealthy family so it is not like I am hard to please. My family was on the same economical level as his. I just want to have a little security in my old age. He just never was a "go-getter" about anything. I was the other way around. We were true opposites. In the beginning maybe it attracted us, but I can assure you it doesn't after 41 years. I have worked two at a time several times and keep the house, kids, cook, etc., but do you think he ever did? Nope! Anyway, over the years, a lot of resentment built up, especially when all he ever had to bring to the talk table was that I was frigid and if we just had more sex, everything would be roses. It turned me off more and more. Then, about 8 years ago, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. It is combined problems of sorts, but includes a lot of pain and chronic fatigue. That is when I really started feeling dead inside. I just exsisted. I was on so many meds that I could hardly function at work. I missed a lot of work, in fact. Was afraid I would lose my job.
Well, I have ranted and vented and at least I'm not crying right now, so thanks for being here for me and let me get this off my chest.
You will probably be scared to ask me any more questions. Just kidding. Don't be, if you aren't afraid to listen. I need everyone I can get right now, because, seriously, I do feel like I am close to a nervous break-down at times.
I know when my H was doing the "online thing" he was usually chatting with more then one woman...I also agree with your thought that the reason he hasn't tried harder to contact you is because he is busy enough...I know guys that would have several IM windows open at a time and be chatting a way to several women at a time...don't think you are so special to him...if he loved you...really loved you (the way your H does) he wouldn't be just dropping a line to say "hi"...he would be inquiring and trying to get a reply from you...
Sandi...believe me...he isn't worth it...he will never be worth it...what you need to focus on is you...and finding your H worth it...
I went to a service the other day and the speaker was saying that we shouldn't miss meetings just because we are tired or have a little headache...he said that God really wants us to be there...and if we stayed home and a big truck full of money pulled up....and a guy got out....knocked on our door...and said we just one 10 minutes to get in the truck and get as much money as we could hold...would we stand there and say how tired we were...or that our head hurt???...NO...we would be running him over to get in that truck...
Let him go Sandi...he is trouble...with a capitol T...he will always be...and he won't be the kind to be trusted EVER...
Going to eat now...will check later...Lin
Thanks Lin. I don't know what to think about myself tonight. I am okay one minute and falling apart the next. I almost scare myself, so maybe it's a good think nobody is around but you guys.
I understand what you mean about using excuses, expecially being tired, for missing services. I let my weakness over surgery and returning to work Monday be my excuse and I shouldn't have. I sure want to go to revival next week. In the past, going during mid-week would do a number on my energy level the next day at work. But, like you said, we usually do what we truly want to do.
I guess if I ever needed anyone to hold my hand for the next hour...it is now. I going back over old posts and re-reading them.
Hey AnyC, where are you? Haven't heard from you in a few days. You sure helped me that first time you talked to me. Would like to hear from you if you have time.
I guess if I ever needed anyone to hold my hand for the next hour...it is now. I going back over old posts and re-reading them.
Hey Sandi I know what you mean, we all need that at times!
cire
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.
"Your son is here," she said to the old man.
She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.
Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed
Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.
The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the
young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.
He refused.
Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.
Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.
Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.
"Who was that man?" he asked.
The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.
"No, he wasn't," the Marine, replied. "I never saw him before in my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just
wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."
The next time someone needs you ... just be there. Stay.
*********
WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE.
WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN EXPERIENCE.
Thanks sire2. That was a touching story. Sometimes we don't know what to say, but just being there is the main thing. I hope we can help each other. I will read your story in a second and it will help me think of others and keep my mind off myself. I keep reading other people's stories and coming back to check and see if anyone has responded to me. Like I said, if I can get through tonight, I will feel like I have accomplished a lot.
I am still having to learn how to use this site, so please hope nobody thinks I am overlooking them and their words of encouragement.
Hi Sandi,
Good plan of reading the boards. You are doing what most here do and I think it really can help at times. Just be careful not to get overwhelmed by all of the stories.
Also, don't worry about anyone feeling over looked. It is hard to catch up with everyone.
Is there anything else you like to do that can occupy your mind and hands?? Hehehe. That sounds bad but that's me. I didn't mean it that way but you do know what I mean???
Hey Trip....I needed a laugh. Don't worry about offended me. Thanks for jumping in tonight. I have been reading and it kind of scares me when I hear of so many wives the bounce back and forth in the MR. I don't want that for me and H. I don't think I can take that. I have to go one way or the other. That is once reason that I couldn't handle a secret EA or allow it to turn into a PA. I knew I would have a nervous break-down. I'm not made for those kinds of R. As one has already told me the first time I ever came on board...I can't love two men at the same time. So, I had to make a decision. It was the toughest thing I ever did....sad, isn't it? Now, the toughest thing is not backsliding and going back and contacting the OM. I have gone since last Thursday without talking to him....yea!!!
Anyway, even though my emotions are still on the rollercoaster I know in time I will make it. It just scares me to read some of the other stuff people have gone through repeatedly and so sad.
Hi Sandi,
I agree that it can get sad reading the boards, but you should read some of the success stories. There is hope!
I think it's great that you haven't talked to OM since Thursday. One day at a time, right?
Cire, I have read your stitch and I would cry and then (don't take it the wrong way) I would laugh at the way you would say things. Bless your heart! God, I hate that great guys like you get hurt by wives (like me?). Well, I don't have the problems that your W has had. Gee, what a mess she has gone through! I don't know how she would ever stand a chance at a solid R without a lot of C. IMO, she would have to get herself healed before she can have a R with you or she will continue to distroy both of you. And you are just like my H, you will probably never love anyone like you do her.
I don't know if I got through to the updated stitch or not. I saw myself when you were telling about the online and OW. See, that is how I got involved with a OM online. He fed my poor ego. I was having a very hard time turning 60 and he would see me on my cam and tell me how "hot" I was...well....of course my heart melted. How often did I hear that? It is not that my H never tells me that I am not attractive, he does, but this was coming from a stranger! That turned me on and fed my ego...as awful as it sounds. Anyway, I could see your situation and how the online OW was a "rebound" for your hurt...and then I saw my own self....just a little differently. I was lonely, felt unattractive, no sex, no male attention...like I craved anyway. So, it can happen very easily.
If I didn't get the update on your R, I hope you can tell me how it is going. I wish you could move on in life and get over your W....for your own sake. I just admire your patience. I don't know that I could do it if it was turned the other way around.
Take care of yourself and I hope you will talk to me again. Thanks for helping me make it through a bad night. I will be okay for the rest of the night.
sandi you impress me.......I wish that my WAW was getting all of the advice that you are getting. It does help me to see your thinking in all of this too, some of it is hard to read. But I think that you are making the right choices.
And the night is almost over...
Tomorrow will be Sandi's one week withdrawl...and it will keep getting better...not that there won't be bad days...as I said it took my H nearly 2 years to flush OW completely from his system...but then again they had a PA and were talking marriage...
Keep up the fight...it is the best thing you will do for your family...and ultimately for you...a good conscience is something that we can't buy...but if we lose it we can feel lower then low...now honestly...what you did was bad...but you are sincerely trying to set matters straight...work on your own feelings...and in time we will be here helping you work your way back to a healthy relationship...
Sandi...you definitely have the ability to be a success story here...you see, you are willing...your H is still willing...so many of us here are working against the tide...working on trying to get our S to return and love...but you see...you are that S...and you are the one here...so in time your want could very well become your life and love...
I hope you sleep well...and keep posting...keep talking to us...we will be honest with you...we won't lie to you for selfish reasons...and if we don't here from you we will post asking where you are....why???...because we really really do care about you and your family...we want you to be a success and we are willing to give what we can to help you get there...
Keep walking the walk...soon you will be talking the talk and living the life!
take care...Lin
You know you can click on names and find archived posts from the beginning of posters arriving here...
Hi NDDT, I know it must be very hard to read what I've said. Being in the other shoes has to be hell on earth. However, for what it is worth, from my expierence it has been hell for the WAW also. I haven't read your stitch, but I will this evening when I get home from work. Like I said before, it is something that is hard to explain once it really gets ahold on a woman...or man, but I can only speak as a woman. I know my H is in pain and I am trying to hurry the healing process up, but I know that I have to take baby steps because I found out the other night when he kissed my on my shoulder that I wasn't ready for the touchy-touchy part. I wish I could help you, and I will tell you or try to answer anything you want to ask me. I never walked away...but if I had had the finances I sure would have. I could have went to stay with my mother, but I knew she would not approve of me seeing the OM and that would have been my main reason for leaving my H. However, if H had not backed off and given me space and stopped smothering me like he was for a while, I would have stayed with Mother just to get away from him. It got that bad. I would spend the entire evenings in the back room on the computer and he stayed in the front room watching tv. We still do, but our attitudes toward each other is different and he knows that I'm not talking to the OM on the computer and that I'm on this board or reading other information to help M. I have really been in a "cram" session trying to read everything I can.
I sure hope things will get better soon for you. Let me hear.
Thanks Sandi.....I am just about to post todays thoughts on my thread....
AmyC,
I hope you get this message, because I tried to send it another way and it failed. As I've stated before, I haven't learned the ins & outs of this site yet. But this is what I had tried to send you after reading threads on crazedmom. I hope I'm not doing anything inappropriately. Oh boy, that's a laugh...considering my stitch!
I have read and read and read posts to crazedmom. So many people trying to help her. So many people reaching out to her trying to save her from the worst mistake of her life. So many responded to her.
I just want you to know that regardless what SHE does...I have changed my mind! You have perhaps, through the grace of God, helped to save my marriage. Because, I may not have the emotions right now, but through my own free will I choose to stay in my marriage and let go of the OM. What you said to her about the OM stalking you and sending copies of your letters to your job just scared the mess out of me! If nothing else worked, that did!
Anway, last night was a real struggle for me, but I overcame and I will continue to do that if I have to sit here every night and read every thread on this site. But I wanted to tell your personally that you have helped me so very much Amy. I just did not want you to think that all the advice you had given to someone else may have been in vain. You never know who all is reading that advice. I for one will benefit from what you have said.
Thank you for being so willing to help those of us who got so blinded by the wayside. I tried to find all of your story, but did not know how until you told Crazedmom. I will eventually get it all read. I pray that you will have peace.
The last thing, I think it was about the last post you gave to her, you told about the Lord Jesus Christ and the enemy that would break down a marriage. Girl, you won me over when you did that. I am a sinner, but a sinner saved by grace. A lot of people would not understand, but I believe in Christ, He is my Savior. I know exactly what you are talking about the "enemy". It just amazed me how the very thing I taught about in Sunday school to young adults happened to me! I had never been tempted in this area of life before and never thought I would be.
Well, again, I hope we will continue to talk because I will contine to post or whatever you call it...lol. Just wanted to send a private message to you. Just can't thank you enough for giving me a wake-up call through advice to another person. BTW, the very first time you talked to me, it helped beyond anything I know how to express. Take care and I'll talk to you soon.
Sandi2
NDDT,
Sorry, I meant for that response to go to AmyC. I just can't figure out how to do this stuff.
Hey its ok. I think when you do a reply is just goes as a response to the last poster on the thread. You know reading what you just said makes me smile, and gives me hope too.
I personally feel as if I am coming out of an "angry" stage, and feeling a little lighter. I hope for myself that I can find some peace. For you I hope that you find peace also. That in time you find serenity? I dont know exactly how to say what I want to. But I am happy for you. Life is everyday full of choices, big and little, easy and hard. You made a big one, and a hard one. Now, do not question your choice, dont look back, the choice has been made. Done.
Thanks for posting, being there, and having the balls to tell your story!!! Thanks........
I'm not leaving the board...not by a long shot. I have not "arrived", but I feel as though some kind of vale has been lifted from my eyes. Thank God! It has been hell on earth for my entire family. I don't know who that person is that wants to give up everything she has had for the past 41 years and run to some OM that she doesn't even know. How much sense does that make? I think I was in a state of insanity. I don't know, but it is so scarey to think about it. Now, to face the embarrasement. My grown kids know! And, I have nobody to point the finger at but me. How will I ever win back their respect for me? I don't know. It is still one day at a time. It has only been one week as of today that I have not communicated with OM. My emotions have been rollercoasting from hour to hour until today. Today...they have been pretty steady and positive. Tomorrow...well, hopefully I'll be even stronger. But at least I don't feel like I am on that fence and not knowing which way to fall. Now, I can start to try to advance to the next step. I am going to start to make goals in how to piece my M back together again. First step...finish reading DR. I have been on here every night from the minute I get home from work until I can't keep my eyes open and have to go to bed.
The biggest hurdle for me will be when my H tries to make physical contact with me, you know...touchy-touchy stuff. I pray that my heart will respond and I can give back to him what he wants to give to me. I am so blessed to have him. Any other man would have kicked me out on the street before I even had a chance to turn the EA to PA. It scares me to death to know just how close I came to carring those plans for PA out. Anyway, now I just hope and pray that the OM will not try to pursue meeting me or coming to the town where I live and looking me up. He has enough information about me that he could cause some damage if he wanted to get revenge. Maybe I don't need to be thinking about that kind of stuff right now and just think about the R between H and me.
You guys are awsome the way you spend hours giving of yourselves to help others. Thanks to everyone and I'll be back, probably every night needing encouragement, but I am so at peace tonight compared to last night.
I thought of crazedmom when I read your first post. I am glad you found her old threads and my words back then were able to help you in your situation. Some things are timeless. There are far too many people that live in the 'here and now' and don't understand what happens in the spirit realm.
Ultimately, this battle will always come down to one simple choice. That choice will be between those "two paths" spoken of in the Old Testament.
Choose life, Sandi.
And lest you forget that the Old Testament was a shadow of all the things to come, remember that Jesus came that you might have it (life) even more abundantly.
Be blessed.
YEAH!...One week...I am glad you have found strength in the posts of experience here...it is so good that you are now seeing the light and realizing what was happening to you...and I so greatful that this was accomplished without you having to return from the shame of a PA...what you and your H have with each other is special...not many people can proclaim that they have only been with their spouse and no other person...ever!...value that...
You are taking your steps...it will be time for feelings to return...talking to your H will help...and yes it might hurt but in the long run the hurt he may feel (like I did) will help him to grow and make the changes in himself so that you two can become a more complete couple then before...
Finish reading...keep praying for answers and direction...keep focused on your home, family, and H...
Take care...Lin
Amy,
When I sent that post to you yesterday, I had no idea that you were going through something awful...well, you know...more than dealing with you M. I wasn't aware of anything, I was just trying to get a message out there to you and let you know how much you had helped me wake up. Then today I was trying to read a lot more your your posts...girl, you got a bunch on here! Then when I thought I was about to get up to date, something was going on but I didn't know what it was. All these people were begging you not to leave the board....and then there my post was right in the middle of theirs. Hummmm. Remember me telling you that I did not know my way around this board or how to get my message to you? I tried to email you and it wouldn't go through, so I just stated writing....but God knew how to direct it to find you.
I don't know what was said by whoever that made you want to give up and quit for a while...gee whiz, you have given so many hours of your life to those of us who needed you...I guess you have a right to be tired of all this. Even after all the posts I read, I am not sure where you are in the R and M at the moment. Amy, you helped save a 41+ year marriage...mine! I am 60 years old and was ready to walk out the door. You shook me up and got my eyes open. I have been in a fog for a little over a year now...call it MLC or whatever. I just know that I could not stand my H a minute longer when I started flirting with the idea of leaving.
As I stated yesterday, I have a lot of healing to do. I know you can't be here everyday to hold our hands for us while we weather our storms, but just please know how valuable you have been to many of us here. I am a newbie...didn't even know where to go to get started on this board...I just jumped in ...probably at the wrong place. But somebody saw my cry for help and alerted AmyC and she came immediately and told me just what I needed to be told. I listened to you. Today, I broke the ties with the OM. I know that I will have to find the strength to abide by that decision now, but I will....my trust will be in the Lord. I've known Him for a long time, I just got lost for a while.
I just wanted to tell you again how much I am thankful that God used you to help me see my way out of the fog. I feel like my old self today. It has been a very, very long time sine I have felt like this. So, hopefully, I can get the desire back for my H and a life with him that I read about you wanting with yours. You see, it is encouraging to me to know that, according to you, those feelings of love for my H will return. I am counting on that!
I hope to hear from you again.
Sandi
Lin,
How you doing girl? Guess you probably can see what I told AmyC. You know that you were as helpful to me as she was....all you good people out there that responded have been a blessing to me. I am not cured in just one week...I know that. However, I never would have thought that I could feel this differently after a week, either. I contacted the OM today to tell him good-bye. After reading what happened to AmyC and the OM stalking her, etc., it really scared me. So, I figured out a way of breaking it off gently without, hopefully, making him too mad. At least, he didn't seem to be that upset. Probably because he has so many other women he is juggling at the same time...lol. Not really a laughing matter, but at least I'm not crying now.
Oh, thank God, it never got to the physical part. It came so close! We were going to meet in just a few weeks and I was buying outfits that I was planning to wear when I saw him, etc. How scary is that?
All of you that gave me support and especially the "straight talk" I needed....I appreciate you so much. Now tell me where to go next on this board...lol. Do I stay where I am or how do I start another "thread"...not even sure what that is.
Well, going to go read some more of DR. You all keep those posts coming.
Sandi
Great news from you Sandi. AmyC has been a God send for many of us, I'll have to catch up with what is going on with her, but even if she isn't around her 8700+ previous posts will be here as a valuable reference for us and others.
Take care,
-JDK
Sandi...
I am glad to hear that you have made the cut...I would like to hear more about how things went...and what OM said...did he seem to understand???
And the new outfits...well hopefully you will feel like sharing those someday with another special man in your life...your H...
I know I have read AmyC's postings around...and her and those like her that have educated and guided me through my journey with my H's MLC...
I think it helps to hear from both sides of the camp...I know initially I had a very difficult time finding encouragment for my situation...I didn't know what to expect...I didn't know how long was too long to hold out hope of reconciling...that is why I am eager to tell others that even though it might be over a few years that there can still be hope...
But Sandi...seriously, you do have much work to do...and the good things that I see is your realize that...I am glad you made it a week...that was probably the hardest week of your life...but you know what?...You did IT!!!...and this should give you the confidence needed to do more for you...and to get yourself on the road of healing physically, emotionally, and spiritually...
I will keep an eye on you...drop a line if you need...
take care...Lin
Hey Lin,
You better keep an eye on me!
Seriously, I know I have just started. Well, what I did today, was contact the OM through email. Didn't trust talking by IM because he is too smoothe. Anyway, just told him I was going through some really bad stuff in my life and felt like I was near a nervous breakdown and needed to back away. He emailed back and said he understood...was very sweet...and said that he would be there for me at anytime and for any reason I ever needed him. I couldn't have asked for a better "out" than that. If I had not been looking for an escape, it probably would have made me mad that he did not fight for me...lol. But, I think God was working in the situation to get me out of it. For that, I am so thankful. Now....I have to stick to it and not weaken and go back to OM. That's where God, prayer, and you guys come in! I mean it.
I know I need a plan right now for my R with my H. Don't really have one. I have been home recovering from surgery up until this week and having cram sessions about M & R, etc. Every night has been spent on this board and it has been therapy for me, but I need to get back into the grove and start spending time with him. That will be tough. Need lots of support.
Okay, talk later. Tell me how things are going for you. Care about ya.
Sandi
We're here for you, Sandi.
Sandi, earlier I read your post and I broke down in tears. I try very hard not to cry. I just keep running...not unlike when I was mlc. I fall into bed exhausted and am asleep in less that 2 minutes I guarantee it. If I'm not, I think of my daughter and I start to cry. If I let that happen, I will not be able to function at work. Ironically, I work for an attorney and 4 days out of 5, I'm serving the enemy processing divorces. No doubt that has finally taken it's toll...
7 months ago I gave my husband the legal separation he asked for and moved into a cheap apartment with my son. My 11 year old daughter wanted to stay with her father. So I feel I lost them both and to top it off, I am barely making it. Actually I'm NOT making it at all. I have to ask my grandmother to help me and I am 38 years old. Anyway, next Friday is my anniversary and I have been working on a scrapbook for my family. Tons of picture dating back to day one of our marriage 12 years ago is going into that book. It was something I had always said I'd do, but you know, when the kids were younger there was not time for that, except for their baby books which I was meticulous about. My husband used to tease me that if our house ever caught on fire, he'd have to get the kids because I'd be scrambling for those books and the porcelain roses he had given me over the years...so the scrapbook has been in progress for the last few weeks. It has come along very slowly because I usually am laughing or crying as I go through the pictures of our life before my storm. I have sorted through ziplock bags of almost every card and letter or hastily jotted "i love you" note my husband ever wrote me. It has almost sucked the life out of me. But I have been driven to do it and so I will finish it and I can't say that I even know why right now. Since I moved out, my husband and I have had multiple moments together in which the walls came down. He has given me CD's to listen to particular songs on, played me songs when I'm at the house, we've had dinners, talks, fights and I have persisted but at great cost I feel now. He underwent knee surgery and has been out of work since May. He will be going back in a week or two. I helped, I supported, I have been the subject of his impatience, the outlet for his pain and his general all-round whipping post. I have reached a point where I am questioning if it's even worth it anymore. 2 nights ago, I considered for the first time in my life that I may now be becoming depressed. Literally. I'm not bouncing back like is typical for me. I think I've run out of reasons to run the race. But what is IN me won't let me move. I learned after my MLC that all the time I was IN the mlc and went to church, yes, while LOST ALSO IN ADULTERY AND REBELLIOUSNESS, God was giving me every single tool I would need to survive THIS TIME. He knows the end from the beginning.
I have been dbing for over 18 months and my story is long and full of peaks, valleys, God-inspired moments of absolute clarity, and graceless falls right back into the pit He pulled me out of. The trick, I've found, is to know what parts of this battle are yours and which belong to Him. Bind the things on earth that YOU can bind, HE will bind those things which you can not see that threaten you. You bound something today when you sent that email to the om. Good. But he left that door open for you and don't be naive enough to think you won't ever look back. That temptation will call to you again and again until you recognize that he is a tool of the enemy and his purpose is only to lie, steal and destroy your family. So you've got to kick that door shut and slam the bolt down. Choose life and speak life to your marriage. Every day!
You say I have helped you.
Maybe so, but you have been used mightily to help me.
I said I have been running. I have been running because I am unable to deal with the fact my marriage went THIS far down the tubes and I lost my little girl in the process. It terrifies me to break like I am now because I am afraid this time that even all the King's horses and all the King's men won't be able to put me back together.
In reading of your struggles, the scriptures that are deep inside my spirit have been brought to my remembrance.
And I may not be done just yet.
Thank you.
Take care Amy, you've fought the good fight. I know exactly what you mean when you say "The trick, I've found, is to know what parts of this battle are yours and which belong to Him." I struggle with that constantly. If you've found the trick to that please let me (us) know.
I hope you can lean on God for strength and let him wrap you in His love so you don't fall apart.
{{{{AmyC}}}
-JDK
[quote] just told him I was going through some really bad stuff in my life and felt like I was near a nervous breakdown and needed to back away. He emailed back and said he understood...was very sweet...and said that he would be there for me at anytime and for any reason I ever needed him.[/quote]
Sandi...
You are doing a great job of working on you and taking care of what needs to be done...but I HAVE to say this...as the spouse of a WAH/MLC who initially did what you did online years before his actual PA...I also read your reasoning so I hope in your head that is where you are thinking and not with your heart that might be tricking your head...because...this doesn't sound like a "Bye...I made a mistake...I am a married woman and am chosing to work on my marriage and work on being a true wife who loves her husband as she did before and always should have."...Now I know you said you were afraid he would stalk you or just show up...I don't think so...the fact that he was willing to let so much time go without contact from you...well, just doesn't seem like a stalker-type to me...but you did what you felt was right...I just wanted to share with that HE might not have seen it as you breaking up and cutting him off..."needed to back away" would tell me that I might be losing you but you haven't left yet!...could cause some pressure and some more replies to check up on you and express concern...His reply also left a door wide open to you that make create an "out" for you...you will really need to be careful..."anytime and for any reason" can sure be tempting when you and H are having tough times ahead...make sure you delete everything...because trust me...in time you may be blessed (as I have) to forget emails, IM names, and other contact information...and for your own good...and Block his email so you won't be tempted to "just see what he has to say....just this once."
You are on track...just keep going forward...and don't peek back at that door...Like you said he probably didn't fight it NOW because he has others hanging online with him...but should they figure him out...or get discovered by their mates (not uncommon for many married people to be doing this)he might get desperate to feed his addiction...
I have a busy busy weekend so if I don't check in...just hang strong and listen to the others here...
Take care...Lin
AmyC...
I can only imagine how you feel...sometimes we can only regret our actions so much and then we have to forgive ourselves...I do hope you have done that...because it really is formost to anyone being able to forgive you...
It saddened me deeply to hear about your daughter...but let me tell you about a couple I knew...almost the same situation...she had a true MLC in her 30's...and they had two daughters...the youngest refused to leave her dad and move out with her mom...eventually the MLC played out and then eventually her H and her reconciled...I don't remember the time frames but I know it was some time before it happened...it really was the D that pulled them back together because even though the little girl was hurt and upset at what her mom did to her dad in her eyes...she still loved them both and when the hurt let down enough that was what brought them together...it was still along time before the W could feel love...or even close to that with H...the great news is...they now have both retired (this was at least 25 years ago) and are now traveling the U.S. happily together...they started this soon after all the kids moved out...
AmyC...I hope you can keep up your strength and that things will one day work out...what you are doing is worth it...I know because even though I questioned my own sanity at times and if I was doing the right things...even when things were not going as I had imagined...I am so thankful that H is here with me now...that we are talking once again of a future...talking about anniversaries to come...spending "couple time" together...
Your H is showing he still has feelings...my take is he is still dealing with his own anger and hurt about things but hopefully in time he will allow those feelings to help heal him and allow you back into his life...I do hope you can hang on...
And seriously...if you are depressed (and who isn't these days with all we deal with) you might be helped by going to your doctor...personally, I tried the medication route and it just made me feel worse...even after trying several ones...now my H, on the other hand, went through a few different meds but is now doing so great...it helped him to return to his happier self again...I have noticed a HUGE improvement in his energy level, emotional outlook, and just my "old" friend in general...
You hang in there too...and sorry Sandi for the highjack but I just figured you wouldn't mind...and I wanted to reply directly to this post of AmyC's...
Both of you take care and smell the flowers in bloom today...Lin
AmyC....Sweetie....I think if I had a job that dealt with divorce issues, went home to work on old memories (via scrapbook) and took time to read all the posts on here, responded to those posts, and then deal with your daughter chosing to stay with her dad...I would be ready for that special floor they have at the hospital. You don't get "away" from it. The job, scrapbook, the posts, your stitch...you need a break from all this "stuff" of R problems....M problems...all the divorces, etc. You are dealing with it every day in your job, at home...etc. Now, on top of everything else, the financial problems have increased. Believe me when I say that I can certainly identify with financial problems. I know how it feels to have to turn to the grandmother for help...I've been there too. My grandmother is in heaven now, but she had to give me money in the past. Just this week I had to borrow $200 from my 81 year-old mother to cover my overdrawn checking account I screwed up. I'll pay it back, but I know how it feels to have to still depend on them to help.
Now, I say you need to get away from some of it and it was...what...yesterday...I was begging you not to leave the board...lol. But, I am selfish. I see where you need to take a break for a least a few days. We all care about you and want what is best for you, sweetie. You are going through pain that you probably did not see coming...with your daughter. I know the S papers had to be heartbreaking because you have worked so hard focusing on getting your H back and repairing your M.
My daughter is older than you and I may have lost her....to some degree. Since she found the IM I had sent to the OM. Plus, she found a whole bunch that I sent to others before I settled down to just one OM. That is what is so embarrasing. Also, I would right "stories" of fantasy ....like romance books?....to the OM. What is so stupid is that I would use my real name for the female character in the story. How dumb is that? Don't answer. So, anyway, she knows I wrote it! I thought when I was send it to OM that it would be a big sex turn-on for me to use my real name. Oh Lord! Just adds to the problems now. My H also found them, but it just made me want to die when my daughter told me she had read them.
She has always been a "daddy's girl", but now I think she is very protective of him because she has seen how badly I have hurt him. He would call her at 2:00 in the mornings to go riding with him because he couldn't sleep. He would cry and talk to her about our M. Well, I had no idea that was happening. I only saw him acting hateful toward me.
She is not being ugly to me or anything like that, but I just notice when she calls that it is to talk to her dad. We leave the "answering machine" on to screen calls, and she always says, "Daddy, it's me". That pretty well lets me know who she wants to talk to.
Tomorrow, the family will be getting together to eat lunch for my brother-in-law's birthday, so I'll see how things go with me and my kids. I plan to try to make the most of it because I have been the one to be distant to everyone due to the stuff I was going through. It is time for me to start making up for lost time and for pain I have caused.
Sweetie, I do hope and pray that things get better for you real, real, soon. If .....and that is a big IF...things doesn't look like you can get back together with your H, do you think you will be able to move ahead in your life without him?
If I can't do anything else, I can stand with you against the enemy and I'll pray for you every day. I don't think you have lost your daughter and she may be back in a short time if she finds out that daddy won't let her do everything she wants to do. I don't know her, of course, and not trying to imply anything here...just know kids will use their parents to get their way. Kids play parents against each other and I hope she won't do that. I hope she may do like imLin says and be the instrument to get you and H back together. Just don't give up hope and be a wonderful Mom everytime you see or talk with her. Don't fall for any teenage "tricks". Don't say anything negative about her dad to her....which I'm sure you already know. If she gets mad at him...just listen to her, but don't fall for the temptation to attack him.
Man, look at me giving YOU all this advice! Oh well, it only means I care.
Hope you will jump in once in a while to let me know how you are doing, even if you take a break.
Sandi
Hi Lin,
Yes, you are right about the email. And, yes, I know it sounds like I was leaving a door open, and maybe subconciously I was. I was just being a coward. But you see, I had tried to tell him bye before and would return in less than a week, so I did not think he would pay much attention to it if I put it in those "bye" words. And yet, I was kind of scared to just stop emailing him without any explaination. Anyway, I may not have handled it the right way, but I felt "released" when he wrote back what he did. Since it was so short & sweet, I felt like he really didn't care. But, what you say about him returning for his addiction makes a lot of sense. We did feed each other...it wasn't just one sided.
I want to share something else with you. There is another weakness that I will have to address in my most private times. It is the fact that I will be tempted to fantasize about him. I know this is just as damaging to my M as the EA. You see, I have always had this problem, even from before I was married, I would have romantic fantasies....then after marriage, they turned into sexual fantasies. Now, I have those about the OM.
I found a book at the local Christian book store titled "Every Woman's Battle" by Shannon Ethridge. It is forewarded aby Stephen Arteburn, who had written a book like it exceept for men. I encourage...no, beg every woman to get this book. Talk about informative! Wow! If only I had had this book when I first got married it would have saved 41 years of sexual problems. I wished somebody had had the courage to step up and write the truth before now. May God bless her for her courage to write this book. I don't know about most churches, but my small church does not discuss such things as sexual fantasies! The Sunday school teacher would probably run out the back door if such a subject was even brought up! But we need this teaching! I had never had it and grew up in church. This book helps to discovver God's plan for sexual and emotional fulfillment and the struggles women have with fantasies. We have more serious struggles than men, because men's are with the "sight" issues and women's are in the "mind". Thus, we have the EA easily...if nothing more than in our minds. Anyway, I hope that may help some of the girls out there that may read this. But, please pray for me to have the strength to put my energy toward my H and not fantasize about OM.
Hope I can stay busy this weekend also. I have been reading so much, but now I need to do some other things, so hope my physical strength will hold up.
Talk later....take care.
Trip, thank you so much. You have been a good friend. Everything I have said to others, goes for you too. Hope you know that.
Hey swashy, haven't heard from you in a while. You okay?
Cire2, would like to know how you are doing. Some others that have written to me, sure would like to hear from you again. You guys are the best! Know you've heard that before, but it's the truth. Need to catch up on some of your "threads...?" I'm not sure what to call this stuff...lol.
Anway, please let me hear from you.